#i couldnt stay catholic.

[useless-donut]

just thinking about astarion is SUCH a sweet partner? like this man was barely an adult elf when he was turned, and spent the next 200 years being abused by cazador, but like

- as the durge character, he'll be accepting and talk about your mental health and reassure you

- he'll insist on staying with your half illithid character, saying you shouldnt make his choices for him if you try to leave to protect him

- also just the dichotomy of him being explicitly vain and also explicitly not shallow is very sweet

- in that one lathanders light scene, he'll tell you he appreciates you trying to fix your mistake after you caused him IMMENSE pain

- he'll empathize with and support you if you swear your body to haarlep, noting how he's been through similar and is sorry you're going through it

- hes not jealous, his issues with sharing seem to largely come from if he thinks the other party would be okay with it (like he thinks lae'zel would spear him lol), and when someone like halsin comes along he'll happily consent

- on that note, he grows enough to be comfortable asking for support and reassurance instead of possessiveness/jealousy (not that these are the only options for that scenario, but astarions seen a lot of possessiveness in his life and its wonderful how much he avoids replicating it)

- he will always attack cazador in the final confrontation if cazador starts verbally abusing you instead of him

- he puts in the work to set boundaries that allow him to engage in an intimate (emotionally, physically, but not sexually) romantic relationship with tav and apologizes for "using" him before, when his behavior was SO understandable. and also he manipulated tav by having... consensual enjoyable sex lol. he might have ulterior motives but he never actually tries to use his sexual relationship with tav to manipulate him into doing anything

- you learn how astarion felt for Sebastian and how tender he was

- you learn about the first boy astarion couldnt bear to bring to cazador, the one he called soft and sweet (or something like that) and then was punished horribly for a straight year for it

- even when you turn to a half illithid, his main concern is you losing your agency

- if you are a full illithid, at the end of the game, some people complain about him not being ride or die, but i think he shows REMARKABLE willingness and support. what he cares about most is that you are still you, and how is he supposed to know for sure? i think asking him to stay with a type of being known for manipulation and mind control after everything he went through with cazador IS A HUGE FUCKING ASK. and he doesnt even write you off immediately? thats a lot of love right there

- if you arent illithid, he will double-check you want to plan a future with him still, and only once you affirm this will he express how badly he wants it. he's actively avoiding trying to manipulate you even

and probably more stuff im just not thinking of off the top of my head. obviously this is about the spawn route vs. ascended, but im just constantly amazed that despite EVERYTHING astarion has gone through, probably centuries without a healthy, loving relationship or even examples of that nearby, he still defaults to being kind, empathetic, and caring as soon as he gets the chance

like sure, he might be minorly evil and self-serving but personally i think thats the least he deserves

more importantly, the boys from astarions past give us a rare window into what he was like before turning into a vampire—he was gentle, empathetic lover. he was kind, he was protective. and as soon as he has the space to start looking for himself again, he goes RIGHT back to that behavior. he even self-checks for his "manipulation" and tries to correct for it

it just shatters my heart and then puts it back together hes such a wonderfully written character. astarion is allowed to be lovely AND furious and vengeful and maybe its just my raised-catholic ass, but its SO cathartic to see that a forgiveness arc is never pushed for his abuser

#astarion spoilers #bg3 spoilers

[shooters4logan]

Celeste knew she wasn't the typical girl that Bez went for.

Bez went for the long-legged blue eyes girls with sliky hazel hair and soft hands that never touched a car engine, let alone a wrench. Cele had calloused hands and her hair was far from silky, always tied back so she could work. The girls would tap their perfectly manicured fingernails against Bez's phone giving their numbers to her. Celeste was 85% sure she had break fluid trapped under the stubs she called nails. Those girls had their life put together while she was working two jobs and reading tarot cards trying to make sense of the future.

When Bez revealed that her attraction wasn't just to guys, Celeste felt a little flame of hope spark in her. The years of pining now had a chance of coming true. But that flame slowly flicked to embers as she watched different girls flirt with Bez each weekend. She had thought about dressing up like those girls but it felt like she was betraying herself. If Bez wanted her, truly wanted her then she would want her now as she was. She couldn't have her romanticly, but Celeste sure as hell wasn't going to lose Bez as a friend. So she swallowed her feelings and went on the lunch dates.

It was dark outside as the pair sat inside Cele's bedroom. Celeste sat on the bed as Bez lay on her side. It was way too late but neither wanted to fall asleep.

Celeste shuffled her deck, hyperaware of Bez's eyes on her. Bez already had the routine Catholic panic that most seemed to have. The clutching of the cross when they realised that the cards in Celeste's hands were in fact tarot cards.

"Marcolina." she said, her doe eyes on show, "pick a card." Bez hesitated, her grandmother screaming in her ear. She shook her shoulders and reached out pulling a single card. Celeste gently held her wrist, flipping it to reveal what card she had chosen.

the lovers.

Celeste stared at the card as Bez made a low noise. She hadn't realised how similar the two lovers depicted in the card looked like her and Bez. The couple stood naked on an open mussel, frozen in an embrace, one kissing the other on the neck passionately. Had Marcolina noticed? Cele looked at her, scanning her face for anything. "The lovers." She began as Bez continued to look at the card not moving. "A relationship might start, but it will come with a sacrifice." Bez looked up. "Gain one lover but lose the freedom to find others." Bez hummed and the air crackled with nervous energy. Both of them stayed silent. Celeste tapped her deck thrice and packed it away back into its velvet pouch.

She lay down next to Bez, eyes up on the sky. "You have anyone in mind?" Bez asked. Celeste shook her head, "no. You?" Bez wiped a hand on her face. "Yeah." Celeste froze as Bez continued. "Known her for ages, haven't got the confidence to tell her though."

Who was this bitch that made the Marcolina Bezzecchi unconfident?

Bez glanced at Cele for a second before continuing. "She's so smart, I've seen her solve problems that old men couldnt." She could fix engines that old men couldn't, could this girl do that?

"Her hair is coffee brown and her eyes are so beautiful." Her hair was brown, just not coffee brown. Celeste contemplated dying her hair at that moment. "- and I don't know what to do. If I tell her and she rejects me? I don't know what I'd do, I don't want to lose her as a friend. What should I do?" Bez continued unaware that Celeste was mentally beating the shit out of this girl.

"tell her how you feel." Cele whispered, the embers of hope in her chest fading out. Bez lay silently, her hands dancing on her chest as she thought. She then turned, looking at Celeste with an unidentifiable look in her eyes. Something was mixed with fear, something passionate.

Bez brushed some stray hairs off Celeste's face. "Marcolina? Wha-" She began as Bez kissed her. She was caught off guard for a second before she sneaked her arms around Bez's neck. They pulled apart and Celeste could feel her head spin. Bez bit her lip and leaned in again. This time Celeste was prepared, one of her hands tangling itself in Bez's hair, pulling ever so slightly. Bez groaned into Cele's mouth, her hands finding Cele's waist, pulling her in even closer. They pulled apart again, lips puffy and hair wild. Bez leaned her forehead on Celeste's. "Be mine." She mumbled. Cele left a confused noise out. "Will you be my girlfriend?" Bez asked clearer as Celeste nodded happily, peppering Marcolina's face with kisses.

They stayed that way, kissing and laughing before falling asleep, tangled in each others embrace. Celeste woke up alone, embarrassed that she could even imagine Bez confessing her love. She got up out of bed, ignoring the tarot card on her side table.

Downstairs Bez stood in the kitchen, making breakfast for her girlfriend. Celeste walked downstairs and saw Bez dancing around. She greeted Bez, who kissed her softly. She stood starstruck for a second before tucking herself into Bez's side, the small flame in her heart now a forest fire.

#professional yapper #wrench to the heart

[blueiight]

do you think grace still got to go adventure in europe with levi or do you think paul's death & louis basically moving out made grace & levi stay home so mama du luc wouldn't be lonely?

i think grace being mrs. florence’s only daughter & being the only child who lived “the right way” (in that she gets a husband & has children, even if the husband was outside of the creole catholic class) already put her in the position to where she was mrs florence emotional tether. but paul’s suicide and louis essentially going n-c outside of being the money man (as he transitions to his new undead life of his) made it so that grace had to be even more of a “tether to humanity” (or the conventional str8 path) for mrs florence than she already was. its less a matter of “loneliness” so much so as it is the grief of paul’s death just reinforced the lines of an already existing family dynamic, as the buffer child paul died. mrs florence (& the dead du lac patriarch) refused to actually take care of paul for his mental illness outside of an asylum stint (louis snarkily remarking “if it wasnt for daddy u still be locked up in gretna” or sum). they enable paul & indulge grace but louis is the one to blame & also had to provide/play a secondary parental role. paul being gone as the indulged but “failed” child means the dichotomy of grace as “indulged” daughter vs. louis the “botched” son is set in stone. paul killed himself cuz ur a gay pimp bringing many sins on us, louis. u damned ur baby bro to hell. u mustve told that boy sum to make him kill himself it couldnt be no other way. maman ur son was severely mentally ill& yall aint helping him no way no how n its certainly no safe place or treatment for him im the 1910s like that. but to get off my pulpit n answer ur actual q: idt grace & levi ever went to vacation in europe. they have 3 kids by ep2 & still live in the du lac family home. as louis loses his businesses ep3 on and fully foregoes his human family for his vampire family once mrs. florence dies, their financial situation degrades so much so that grace levi have to leave & be part of the great migration. poor things honeymoon was 30 sum yrs later in rome wisconsin💔

#yn. #iwtv #grace de pointe du lac #levi #yn answers

[3dfangs]

Hi okay I'm not done actually.

Can we take a moment to talk about how much Spamton talks about 'burning'? Hes constantly burning or being burned by things that technically shouldnt be having that effect on him.

Why? Maybe. Because he has / had very sensitive skin. Maybe because he has a skin disorder. MAYBE... because he has albinism! Who would have thought!

So things that normal darkners or ads can do he maybe more sensitive and possibly has other disordered that would hinder him from being able to do those things. Sure, it's probably not exactly like human or lightner albinism so there are probably other quirks to it. Like possibly being more sensitive skin wise to subtly temperature changes etc. etc. w/e

What I'm saying here, and getting even more into my own personal canon territory here, he could probably drink acid just fine but having it, having it on his skin, caused irritation after and for long periods of time. Like fresh water vs chlorine kind of situation. His skin didnt like it and being in it for to long would feel like, you know, burning.

Cause of that, he never learned how to swim I dont think (mainly because he couldnt have temp control so, once again, extream discomfort). He may not have 'burned in acid' but staying it a deep enough pool of it for so long was enough to make that adhd fucker with no impulse control (once out and no longer drowning lol) rip off all the skin he had left.

And isnt that fun to think about! Seeing a man tear himself asunder in a panic haze, sobbing but his throats to fucked to scream? Wow! Love that memory!

Also, just to add here. I do think ads are just kind of mannequin like in nature. With silicon 'skin' that they Technically can live with out. All darkners are dolls for a bigger game.

It was more like a rebirth to just actually face that truth to the point of embodying it. Like he was baptized. Died and came back to life after his 3 days. Whatever. Hes got to much religious trauma as is, let's give him some more come on why not. I'll put my wife's blorb on him two spamton had become ex catholic or w/e

#ask to tag #i sure am havi ng a night sorry #no rewblog uwu #kai.txt

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

2023

i find it amusing that i seem to come here when the year starts/ends.

2023 has been a ride. i can't believe 12 months flew by just like that. i suppose i stopped the habit of journaling, simply because i was writing so much academically - processing my thoughts on words felt like a chore. i do think that it is note worthy to pen down what happened in 2023 - so here goes. in 2023, i....

- wrote a thesis (!!!!) - extended my internship at club rainbow singapore - competed for nationals, ended up being first - carried on for Singapore Opens, ended up being second (thats lke 3 months of training non-stop) - 60% OF THE TEAM CAME TO CHURCH. (12 pax!!!!!!) - 14 day grad trip to bali - mission trip to sri lanka - surfed for the first time, loved it so much i went back again in oct - 28 day trip: beijing -> korea -> singapore -> bali. biggest flex was the $800 flight tickets - graduated!!!!!! - family trip to korea - went for ONE job interview and got it. - started dating (!!) got a boyfriend (!!!!!!!) it's funny because i would never imagine myself dating someone like Gerard. he was a catholic, he did not know the Lord, he is non-chinese, and he is the only child. it totally goes against most of what i believe in. but yet, he loves so willingly, serves quickly. he is quick to listen, and slow to speak. he reflects with humility, and is always quick to apologise first. he treats me well and right, and accepts me for who i am. he cares to improve himself all the time, never challenges my argument but only humbly apologises and aims to improve. he makes me laugh, trusts me as his being. he has a teachable spirit, and has a gift of teaching. he connects with the 'weird' and different, yet finds no problem with it at all.

he is everything i never expected myself to date, but yet... everything i realise i could need. i'm not sure yet, to where this is going.

i remember when i went out with Dawson, and though - a charming white man taking me out, treating me 'right', potentially able to fufill me sexually, it still did not sit right with me. one might say its because he does not love the Lord and while that might be true - i find myself thinking about Gerard for loving me as i am.

Gerard knows my love for the Lord. i dont have to hide it. i can be honest with him, and myself, and he embraces it all. he does not think its weird (i think haha) and even tries to meet me at my level. he might not know the bible in depth like a scholar does, but his heart speaks differently. Gerard is willing to take me as i am. i dont have to change anything, act differently, or become another person. i came as i am, and he liked that.

thats why, i concluded someone like Dawson does not seem appealing. To love one as they are, seems like a gift almost. But i remember telling the Lord, i want to hold onto this loosely because i am unsure where this is going. i appreciate the company, enjoy the plays, the highs and the lows - maybe even the lust a bit too much, but yet i am unsure if i want to stay committed to this.

i am concerned because what if im tying myself down? what if i'm actually not as interested?

but recently, i catch myself staring at him thinking, 'how can someone like this, like me as i am?' i am uncertain where this is going. but i know i would still want to try, regardless. he brings me a certain company i cannot find anywhere else, and i am thankful for that. i told him i'd give this 6 months. i gagged at him when he asked me to be his girlfriend. to which - all of it, he was still okay. he's willing to try. he wants to make it work.

i am not sure if i do too. but yet, i am confused where my hesitations lie.

'this is a good one. dont let it go. if it was so easy to find god-loving men, everyone would have been attached now.'

someone said this to me the other day, and i was asking myself if i have been lying to myself if i couldnt admit this. he truly loves me, and i know that. i was also told to have a few dealbreakers to access how this relationship is going.

How is his walk with God? is it growing? does he love the Lord?

family involvement. how has acceptance into his family been?

of course, no.1 truimphs it all. i am not sure if i would get a response, even in 6 months time. but i know that i am willing to sit through the tough part as he is moulding and refining his walk with God. and i know, i have to be patient on this. So help me God, for i am unsure how and what to proceed. help me to be faithful, to be obedient, to be discerning, to be patient and to be kind. amen.

[honkshoolizzie]

my mom took me to a swss concert but i had to practice my flute so the band let us stay overnight at their house so i could practice. meanwhile my mom became like besties w the band which is wild to me bc theyre queer and trans and punk and my mom is catholic. also my bestest friend ever showed up (i havent met him irl) but apparently i told my mom we were dating to get her to let me meet him and when she found out we werent dating she killed my fish as punishment and i couldnt scream loud enough at her

[justagrin]

And yeah idk. Maybe I went off the rails too (think rebecca brunch) and I was in the wrong too for a lot of shit.

But at the end of the day I was 21 and having my first taste of freedom after growing up in a sheltered christian household with little actual social interaction, who met a guy, experienced sexual attraction for the first time, experienced being WANTED for the first time, fooled around with him and then catholic-guilted myself into thinking i had to spend the rest of my life with him.

like, thats most of what it was. i couldnt deal with the fact that i’d done the scandalous act of PrEMaRiTaL cAsuAL sex, with someone who ended up being shitty no less, and who allegedly “fell for me” within weeks so I changed the reality until it fit with what was acceptable to me. and I forced myself to stay with him, and the few times I did try to break up with him (once while everything was happening, once while I was away, once some time after when I realised I wasn’t “in love” the way I was SUPPOSED to be), he wouldn’t let me.

i was an idiot and fucking naive and I’m not saying I was innocent but maybe deciding to stay with him didn’t make me an intolerable monster

[gemsofthegalaxy]

Stops calling myself a "raised catholic" and starts calling myself a "recovering catholic" for kicks.

#i said Raised instead of Former catholic bc it wasnt really.. a choice? #and tbh in my early years i did believe in god but once i understood the church was fundamentally homophobic i started to like #mentally extract myself which felt bad and had a lot of guilt but. i couldnt do it #as in #i couldnt stay catholic. #id say culturally im still engrossed in christianity but religion wise i dont partake and i wont even go on xmas or easter if i can help it

[serdtse]

//

#it was such a lovely day the weather was fanstastic at some point i couldnt help but smile even though i was walking alone #also god knows how i found myself in a catholic cathedral and decided to stay and observe their mass #i had been at a catholic mass before but that time it was a weekday and there were hardly any people #but today the church was full #hmm it was a nice experience there’s this part of the mass when people greet each other and i was awkwardly alone but people still #smiled at me and we shaked hands #you might say it wasnt geniune maybe but it was nuce and ive never felt this welcome in our churches #*nice #okay and the sermon... it addressed the things ive been struggling with so i teared up a little lmao #i need a tag for my #religious adventures

[shhh-no-ones-home]

heavy cross to bear* matt Murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request @juniebugg: reader and Matt are in a very serious relationship (could be married) but then when reader actually sees Elektra, whom she already knew about but has never seen because she was "dead," she gets really insecure and tells matt that he deserves better or something and he reassures her. Angst and smut"

hopefully its not too ooc this is my first MM smut so i hope you like! and thanks again for the request!!

* - you asked for smut and that really is all this is lol, little bit of story. 

Song: wasted time by skid row

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg

+++++++++

i sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking. it was almost nine at night and i knew i should be getting ready for bed but my body wasn't quite ready to move yet. when matt disappeared into our bedroom i figured he'd be changing into daredevil for the millionth time but when he emerged in his pajamas i was a little surprised. and then it hit me. maybe he knew. hell, he always knew.

but maybe it was just that something was off, that i needed him to say it again, to stay with me and make sure i knew. but then there was her. she had showed up out of nowhere and took me off guard more than anything else up until now. one more doubt at the forefront of my mind. that i didnt believe him when he said he loved me despite being married for a year, despite having dated for three before hand, and despite everything he has done to keep me safe. because he loved her first and it felt like the biggest lie ive ever been told. even after a couple days of sitting on it and hoping it would go away. still it was there. in the back of my mind:

"matt i dont know if i can do this anymore."

his head tilted to the side and he looked confused.

"do what?"

he asked almost worried, moving slowly to the table and sitting.

"this, us. i just- you deserve so much more, so much better than- well, than me."

he was quick to scoot his chair closer to my own, his hand coming to rest on mine.

"hey, dont even say that. what would make you think i would want anyone but you?"

now he absolutely sounded worried.

"i saw her matt."

"saw who?"

i shook my head.

"that woman, your ex. you said she was gone."

"elektra?"

he sounded a little broken.

"shes something else ill give her that much. i see why you like her."

he swallowed hard.

"elektra is dead."

i shook my head.

"then why was she here? looking for you. saying your name with such... god i dont even know how to explain it. matthew."

i repeated it exactly as she had said it and it felt wrong. like i was acting. saying someone elses emotions and intentions. they were no longer mine. or at least it seemed like it. There was a long silence and I just stared at him.

"She was here?"

There was hope in his voice and I figured that was it. It made me angrier than it probably should've and my only response was to stand and walk away. I got half way across the living room before he caught my arm.

"Y/n, that doesn't matter. I-"

He swallowed hard and I tried to study his face.

"You mean more to me than anything. Yes I love, loved, her but I married you. I chose you. I want nothing more than to be with you. For better or for worse remember?"

He bargained and I sighed heavily.

"How can I be sure you mean that? What if she comes back? again."

He shook his head, taking both my hands in his and stepping closer to me.

"Let me prove it to you. If she really is back then it doesn't matter. I'm with you, I love you, and I'll always chose you."

I closed my eyes, feeling him get closer and closer until his forehead was against my own.

"We belong together."

He whispered before kissing me gently.

"I only want you."

He kept just as quiet, kissing next to my mouth once, then twice, making his way across my cheek and to my jaw.

"Matt."

I breathed out and he paused. I licked my lips lightly before opening my eyes and looking at him. He really did seem like he meant it. He was trying so hard to keep it together.

"I can't lose you."

He sounded so broken.

"Do it."

He drew his brows and I brought my hand up to touch his face gently. We were still so close I could feel his breath fanning my neck.

"Show me you mean it."

I said softly and his Expression changed.

"I love you so much."

He said before kissing me harshly, releasing my hands and pressing his fingertips into my hips. I hummed against him as he walked us backwards. We stumbled along as he pulled my shirt up, tossing it to the floor.

"Matt."

I moaned, pulling his shirt up next. It was gone in a second and he was back, kissing me and moving quickly to get my pants down. His hands roamed my body just as much as mine roamed his. I traced my fingers slowly up his torso, grazing over his scars before wrapping my arms around his neck. I gasped when he picked me up. There was a soft laugh that escaped him and I was relieved to see him smile even if it was just a second. He knew it would take some convincing and he was right. I needed to know he meant it. That Elektra wasn't gonna be a problem.

"I need you."

He whispered again, laying me gently on the bed and situating himself between my legs.

"I need you to know how much I mean it."

He kissed my jaw slowly, then down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Prove it."

I challenged, my breath hitching in my throat as he ripped my bra open from the front, his lips grazing my nipple before taking it into his mouth. He hummed against me, his finger tips down my torso and into my panties.

"Matt."

I moaned, dropping my head back as he ran his finger up me and against my clit. i closed my eyes, pushing my head back into the bed as he stroked me, kissing his way back up to my exposed neck.

"i love you."

he repeated against the heat of my skin. when he resituated i could feel how hard he was already.

"i need you."

i breathed out, pressing my hips up into him as he continued to finger me.

"matt."

i whined, him removing his hand long enough to pull my panties down. i looked up to him with lust blown eyes, watching him intently as he got rid of his boxers.

"youre still okay with this?"

he asked and i nodded quickly, pulling his face to mine and kissing him deeply.

"please."

i moaned, inhaling deeply before he kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine. my breath caught in my throat as he pushed all the way into me, catching my bottom lip between his teeth as my mouth hung open.

"i wanna hear you."

he said softly.

"feel you."

he moaned against my shoulder, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he placed his large palm over my heart. it was already banging at my rib cage begging to be let out but i could have swore it did when he started moving. he pulled out of me slowly before slamming back into me and i moaned so loudly i was surprised at myself. and then he did it again and again, getting a good rhythm. it was long, and hard. nothing like our nights prior, even on his worst of days when he's frustrated and in need of release. no this was different. purposeful.

"matt."

i held onto him for dear life, pressing my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he continued to pound into me in long drawn out strokes.

"tell me. tell me what you want."

he grunted out, trying to sound as steady as possible.

"i want you. god i only want you!"

i cried out as he thrusted upward harshly. then he did it again and i saw stars, my mouth falling open as i moaned.

"thats my girl."

he praised, trailing his hand down my torso and pressing his finger in circles against my clit.

"youre almost there."

he coaxed, building me up. i could feel the tightness building, pressing my hips up to meet him as he kept his pace.

"im so close."

i panted, pressing my finger tips harder into his bicep as i gripped onto him.

"do it, do it for me, let go."

he said softly and i snapped. my orgasm racked through my body and my vision went blurry. i was breathing hard as he rode out my high, still chasing his own.

"im almost there."

he said, squeezing his eyes shut. he moved to pull out but i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist.

"y/n?"

he asked surprised and i leaned up to kiss him.

"just do it."

i said, pressing a hard kiss to his neck. he kept going, knuckles going white against the bedsheets as he came in me with a loud groan.

"oh my god."

he panted, slowing his thrusts.

"i love you oh my god."

he said, dropping to his forearms, trying not to put his full weight on top of me. my legs were still wrapped tightly around his torso as we both calmed down.

"i love you too matty."

i said softly, feeling him nuzzle his nose against my neck. it made me giggle a little bit and i could feel him smiling against my skin before kissing it gently.

"you have no idea how relieved i am to hear that. youre the only one for me. always will be."

i sighed softly in content, kissing his forehead and dropping my legs.

"im sorry i doubted you. i just. i need a reminder every once in a while i guess."

he kissed my chest before pulling out of me and dropping to the bed beside me.

"i will give you as many reminders as you need, as long as we both shall live."

he said, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"thank you matt. thank you for everything. especially knocking some sense into me."

he raised a brow, a half smirk on his face and i immediately wondered what was going through that mind of his.

"after tonight sense might not be the only thing i knocked into you."

i couldnt help but laugh, him matching it as i rolled onto his chest.

"i know you want nothing more than to tell the father we're finally starting that catholic family with lots and lots of beautiful babies but i still have my iud."

he let out a short laugh sigh before i kissed him quickly.

"but that doesnt mean i couldnt be persuaded into getting it taken out."

he raised an intrigued brow.

"oh?"

i laughed lightly.

"ill think about it. right now i just wanna live in this moment with you."

i said the last bit through a yawn, resting my head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

"i love you."

he whispered, earning a hum from me as i dozed off.

#wattpad #x reader #337 #matt murdock #smut #daredevil #marvel #imagines #one shots #requests

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Remember when i asked about my colleague which couldnt see the connection between catholicism and homophobia? Lmao because the vatican just spoke out against an anti-homophobic Law from the Italian state, because they fear legal action against themselves 😅

[ For reference, the previous Ask. ]

The bill in question:

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-57570467

The Vatican has protested to Italy over a bill on homophobia currently passing through parliament.

The Zan bill would punish discrimination and incitement to violence against the LGBT community, as well as women and people with disabilities.

The Vatican argues the bill would curb religious freedoms secured in a treaty.

Under current Roman Catholic doctrine, gay relationships are referred to as "deviant behaviour".

“Discrimination and incitement to violence” are apparently “religious freedom.” It’s not enough to be certain they’ll burn for eternity, you also have to be allowed to make them suffer in this life too. On behalf of “god.”

The Catholic church is already wholly disqualified from judgements about what is or is not “deviant behaviour.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation

==

The question before your colleague appears to be whether he believes you now, and accepts that you were correct. Or will he double-down on the sophistry and No True Scotsmans?

If he does believe you, what does he plan to do about it? Will he stay in the church, thereby condoning it? Or have the moral courage to fight for changes or else leave?

If he still doesn't believe you, the interesting question would be what proof - if not this ↑ - actually would satisfy him? The answer "nothing." would reveal an unreasonable, irrational person (i.e. "faith").

#ask #LGBT #homosexuality #catholic church #catholic #roman catholic #roman catholicism #catholicism #religion #christianity #religion is a mental illness

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

honestly one of my worst crush rejections from high school was when my years 9-12 crush (let’s call him rich boy) decided to do one of those stupid “like this status and i’ll…..” trend fb statuses that were big when i was in late high school back in 2011-2013….. and it was “like this and i’ll pair you with someone/something for shit & giggles!”. unfortunately for teen me, rich boy decided to pair himself with one of the girls in my group at catholic school, a post which had a load of likes….. while he paired me with fucking lord voldemort (leave me be i was still a hella HP stan at that age). but the post on MY timeline had received no likes but mine (i think) and a like on the weird asf comment that i’d made on it from one of our friends from catholic school.

like 17yo me liked rich boy’s status all bc she just wanted to see if he’d be nice to her on fb bc she was partly getting over the crush by then (mid 2013)…. but she was still hoping he’d write something stupidly romantic like “you’re the elizabeth bennett to my darcy” or some other jane austen pairing; even though she’d never bothered to read jane austen books back then lmao. or even “you’re the hermione granger to my ron weasley” (again LEAVE ME BE) or some other harry potter themed relationship lmao.

obvs it was all bc a couple of years earlier, rich boy had decided at our year 10 formal to hold one of teen me’s high heels up for her when it’d come off in a dance circle lmao. or at that point, she was even happy to be paired with his best friend that he kept trying to hint at her on some joke statuses with flirtatious undertones; that she should go out with him by tagging that friend on them lol.

the crush was also based on the one term long drama group assignment we did together in year 9, and the one (1) seemingly flirtatious comment he’d made to 14yo me in year 9/2010 when i had that short-lived typical train-wreck teen relationship with clear braces boy…. where rich boy and a couple of his friends decided to sit with us (ie to harass us) on the wooden benches at back of year 9/10 lunch area, which were playground hot property for groups to sit on.

but the point is that the flirtatious comment came out as if to sound that rich boy was jealous about that teen me was “off the market” so to speak lmao. but i remember with the drama group assignment, i hated rich boy at the start and wanted to change groups 😂, even asking my teacher to change me to another one. but he made me stay in the group with rich boy to “learn to work with him” lmao 😂😅. i was so overdramatic back then. and then i got the crush on RB like a sickness for 3 years. the jokes’ on me, as usual lol 🙄😂.

she also was holding out secretly that hopefully rich boy was staying at tafe (technical college) with her bc he liked being with her and also wanted to keep her safe from her stalker/creeper from public school (although let’s be real here, he really couldn’t do much about that lmao, that was more her job to deal with and not his) and in general she hoped he was just staying to keep her updated on what was happening at that school when her group from catholic school had stopped talking to her by mid 2013….

when looking back now, he was probs staying bc he was the top of our small tafe theatre tech class along with me lmao… so he was staying there for the good marks and not teen me’s company at all. on top of it all, by the end of the course, i’d stopped talking to him anyway. like 17/18yo me really had a rosy view of everything lmao.

and also, i haven’t seen rich boy (and by extension also clear braces boy although that’s more than 10 years now lol) in almost 10 years now lmao. i legit forgot that he existed for a while bc he never updates his fb; except when something big happens or when he gets tagged in something. or i’m also reminded that he exists when he likes one of my selfies/i update my dp or whatever else; albeit those times are obvs very, very few and far between. and like…. i’ve pretty much forgiven him for the above. bc god. we were both fucking dickhead assholes. and i suppose i should’ve actually expected some stupid witty pairing like voldemort or the like….. and not a real one lmao….. bc after all, we were always sassy/witty/sarcastic/snarky to each other at catholic school; so we had to play that bs out on our fb interactions as well.

which looking back, didn’t breed a good friendship with us either. considering i only ever went to him for rude tit-for-tat conversations, where i always made sure that i got the last quick-witted word in with criticising him when people were around us; and nothing deep and meaningful or serious lmao. bc to teen me, he was only good to talk to for a laugh mostly… but when we did try to talk about other things it was stilted and awkward; bc we didn’t really know how to be consistently nice to each other when we were alone lmao.

and tafe is also where l learnt that we didn’t really have much in common (besides liking 1-2 of the same emo bands- and things like him going to soundwave (ie aussie warped tour/slam dunk fest etc back then)… where i literally posted flirtatiously on his wall one that that i “hated” him for going to it and also made pointed statuses at him about it lmao) like lonely 14-18yo me thought we did lmao.

for example: rich boy was super into classic cinema (one of his projects in our tafe course was building a model house from alfred hitchcock’s psycho), game of thrones and quentin tarantino movies and also he loved basketball…. while i was still obsessed with harry potter as i said earlier, and still into pretty little liars and into the “…….next top model” reality tv juggernaut with australia’s and america’s next top model and the E! celeb channel; amongst other things. i loathed and despised sport, and most especially basketball lmao. i actually tried to read asoiaf/watch GOT bc he liked it lmao (and also had friends at public school who were into it)…. but i couldnt bring myself to do it at the time. like we weren’t compatible at all lmao. but teen me didn’t get it.

but yeah. unrequited teen crushes suck. so, to all of my younger followers, if i have any: if your crush acts like this don’t waste time on thinking they’ll be nice to you lmao; and drop that crush like a hot fucking potato. bc if they’re mean to you (which is what i was running under from all the shitty tween/teen shows i was watching at the time) it defs means that they do NOT like you romantically lmao. fuck that noise.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess #and this why i’m not dating #bc i can’t deal with this level of rejection again lmao

[zapsoda]

im gonna talk about that oc guy okay i think hes fun. nobody asked, but youre the one who follows me, so suffer. also his friends cause theyre kind of an integral part of his story

so his names diesel, his age? who gives a shit/ old enough to where people tell him to "get a job freeloader." hes super bisexual, "hates" women, and definitely uses 4chan. hes got like an obsession with revenge and keeps an ongoing list of anyone who has ever even slightly wronged him.

he carries a gun around that nobody, including him, knows exactly how he got. (he absentmindedly and completely accidentally shoplifted it from a store that was definitely laundering money.) hell shoot it to look cool but hes a huge pussy and would never aim it at someone/something living. he has no qualms with shooting people with arrows or using melee weapons, however.

his best friend is a waitress named peanut (that is her legal name, peanut winfrey, no middle name). she has no idea why she hangs out with him. pity? loneliness? morbid curiosity? just the feeling of being superior to someone? fuck if she knows, but it certainly couldnt be genuine enjoyment of his company /s. //tbh i guess i dont hate peanut either now that i think about it.

anyways diesels obviously not his real name, he just goes by it to make himself sound more cool or "tough." he never got a drivers license but if he did, it wouldve listed his name has dakota winfred (no relation to peanut). thats not a typo btw a few generations back on diesels dads side, someone misspelled their last name on the census and theyve been winfred ever since.

they have another friend named laslow who really wants to join a circus and may or may not be the biological father to many, many children hes never met (listen, he doesnt know for sure either). he doesnt have a last name to his knowledge. diesel has a very on and off relationship with laslow (platonic or romantic? its anyones guess) and peanut stays out of it except when its funny.

laslow is also like a magnet for freaky occurrences and bad shit happening to him, but hes like a super atheist and refuses to acknowledge any of it happening. hes the type of guy to get raptured, come back, and remain an atheist.

diesel is religious but only when its convenient for him and otherwise refers to himself as god, supposedly ironically. he uses the words bitch and cuck like commas and has been banned from nearly everywhere you can get banned from in their state (peanuts workplace included, but nobody gives a shit there, so he still comes and visits often to bother her).

peanut is somewhat superstitious, but her assumptions are strangely dead-accurate a solid 50% of the time. shes also raised catholic but doesnt really talk about it.

but yeah basically they smoke together and get into hilarious shenanigans

#oc stuff #jd stfu

[what-if-nct]

Hi so shitty Catholic school anon is back! But this time it’s with weird things male teachers have said/done or things said about male teachers. TW: self harm, anorexia, sexism, racism, slavery, pedophilia, gender stereotypes.

So recently we had a lesson on self harm and there was one part where we had to say if a certain thing was true or not. So for example if self harm is attention seeking or if it mainly effects certain groups of people. One of the things was “self harm improves a person’s self confidence” and a male teacher said it did and that it is also attention seeking. He said that many people do it for attention and to make them selves look better. He then went on to talk about anorexia and said that lots of ballerinas have anorexia and “that is why they are so pretty” and also said that girls that don’t have anorexia or aren’t skinny are typically less attractive. Which is kinda really f-ing creepy and a horrible thing to say to anyone, especially a room with about 30 females in or 30 people in with female bodies. It’s creepy and disgusting. But I think he is getting fired because people walked out and were made to write statements about it which is a similar thing to what happened with another teacher that got fired.

So basically, we had a substitute teacher for a lesson in Geography about Mumbai. He started off talking about Mumbai but was saying very stereotypical things. We hadn’t actually properly started the lesson though because he didn’t give us the work or start talking about the parts of Mumbai which we were supposed to be talking about. He then somehow got to racism and the BLM movement. He said that he did not understand why it was black lives matter and not all lives matter. We tried to explain that all lives do matter but we need to focus on black people and what they had experienced. But he went on to say that white racism and white slavery exists too and that “it’s just as bad”. In the front row there was a person who is black and he constantly used them as an example. I was sitting next to them and the teacher would constantly point to them or go up in their face. The person who is black tried to give an example of racism that they face and he said that the same things happen to him too. They said that police officers often came up to them, assuming that they were criminal or a bad person just because they are black. The teacher then said that he had only once before had a police officer come up to him and it was because he had a red jacket and that a criminal who they saw on camera had a similar jacket. The person who is black was stopped by cops multiple times because of just their skin colour. The teacher who is white was stopped by cops once because they had a similar jacket to someone. And then when people said that worse/more things have happened to black people just because they are black than white people he started talking about the battle of Hastings. He tried to compare a fight (that from my knowledge doesn’t have anything to do with racism) that happened in a few hours a thousand years ago to all the horrible things that have happened to black peoples over centuries and still today. People had tried to get him to stop and to teach the actual lesson but he refused. A teacher next door came in and asked us if we were okay and what we were doing. Everyone in the class said that we weren’t okay and that we weren’t doing what we were supposed to but the substitute teacher said that we were discussing transport in Mumbai and that we had been doing that all lesson. And when he left we started actually doing the work but he soon started talking about white slavery and then tried to make it better by saying that the Conservative party is much better than the Labour Party. There was no need for him to say any of that and no need for him to force his opinions into us. Luckily, he was fired.

The next thing I don’t remember well since I never actually was taught by this teacher and it happened in my first year at the school. Basically a teacher had sex with either a year 11 or sixth former. So she would have been 15-18 years old at the time. He was also rumoured to be touching the older girls weirdly. He was soon fired.

A similar thing happens with another teacher who is currently still at the school. His downstairs often gets ‘happy’ whilst teaching and he leans over onto students often. I don’t know if this is predatory behaviour or not but it most definitely makes people uncomfortable. He is a substitute who works at the school and I’ve had him for many lessons. In one of my first lessons with him (when I was 11), he leaned over me and I could feel his stomach on my back and it soooo uncomfortable. Still, I don’t know if it an actual concern. But in my first ever lesson with him, me and my friend was annoying each other and kind of like just poking each other a lot. He could’ve just told us to stop but instead he decided to say that we were holding hands. This freaked me out cause at primary I was bullied/treated differently for the last 2-3 years for being not straight. It also started rumours that I wasn’t straight, which freaked me out more.

Next teacher~ Is still at the school and he is actually good teaching compared to the other teachers I’ve mentioned. But he’s said some weird things. Mostly some random stereotypical comments such as “women are typically more sensitive” and that “women take longer to get ready” and that “women are concerned too much about their appearance and wear too much makeup”. But in every lesson I had him, he always looked at people’s skirts. At my school there is a heavy focus on wearing skirts and that they must be below the knee and it gets mentioned at least once a day and always at assembly. Despite this many people would still roll up their skirt. Immediately when you walked into the classroom, he would look at your skirt and tell you to roll it down. When you walked past him in the corridors, he would do it too. And sometimes he complained saying that whenever he walked upstairs he was not able to look up because he would see a “girls knickers or butt or thighs” and so he had to look at the floor or walls instead. Why is he looking in that area anyway?! He shouldn’t be looking in that area at all even if their skirts are rolled down. I was never in this lesson but apparently he also started talking about how he thought abortion was bad.

Next thing is just how much the school puts an emphasis on skirts below the knee. And they say that it’s because “male teachers would feel uncomfortable”. It’s not us who should change it’s the male teachers then. Whilst doing online lessons a teacher (who is female) said that we shouldn’t have any underwear or certain clothes in the background because it would make “male teachers uncomfortable”. I understand why they don’t want us to have things like that in the background but why only talk about male teachers. At least why not say that it makes teachers in general uncomfortable or other students uncomfortable. But no it’s back to please change yourself or what you are doing because you will be treated weirdly by adult men even though you are a child and it’s their problem.

Anyway sorry about that. I kinda just wanted to rant again. Sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable. I hope you are having a good day and you aren’t near any creepy dudes. And if you are, I am very happy to bosh the creepy dudes. Bye bye~

Hi! Okay so every last one of those teachers are horrible and shouldn't be around children. Absolutely horrible. And the teacher who is putting his ya know that close to students is one hundred percent doing it on purpose and its disgusting, men know when they are visibly excited its just gross that he would even do that. And you were understandably uncomfortable, no teacher should be that close to a student. I am so sorry you were put in that situation. Really all of those teacher should be penalized. And seriously dress codes sadly aren't for the male students, but the teachers. A male teacher shouldnt be there if a minor's shoulders or legs are distracting. An adult man shouldn't be even looking up the skirts of teenage girls, you wouldn't even see anything if you weren't purposely looking, It's horrible. And why are young girls forced to change because a grown man can't control himself. I had went to a counselor's office in a kind of short skirt and she asked if I had any appropriate clothes or she couldnt send me to a male psychiatrist she'd have to find a female psychiatrist.....what the hell kind of sense does that make. If you can't trust a man with a young girl in skirt why is he even there?? Ugh it's absolutely disgusting. It really is there problem, not the young girl's fault. It's okay vent all you want, i hope you have a nice day and stay safe. If a teacher ever makes you feel uncomfortable make sure you go to a teacher you trust. Byee🌸🌸

[strawberrymilkcart]

𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙨𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙣𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧..

tw// mentions of suicide

I SUCK ASS AT EXPLAINING STUFF SO BEAR WITH ME

edd gomez

He/him

Panromantic and asexual, no gender preference

Libra

His mom is Chinese-cuban while his dad was a white cuban.

Both of his parents immigrated from Havana, Cuba to London, England for a better life.

His dad died when he was a baby, so Edd was raised by his mom.

Edd speaks Spanish but only conversational and cursewords. he was also sent to chinese school to learn mandarin, he speaks a little bc he forgot most of it. But he knows how to write in Mandarin.

Loves cats. all breeds and all furcolors. He loves ringo the most tho.

He was raised roman catholic but now he doesnt go to church or anything.

Feeds stray cats cuz why not.

Hes a freelance artist, he does commissions for people and companies.

Very confident about his body, he has stretchmarks on his stomach and arms.

5’10" His body is more on the heavyset side.

Tried all the different cola flavors but he likes original the most.

🥸🤭<- most used emojis LMAOOOO

He often leaves ppl on read or he probably wont respond.

Prefers drawing cartoons>realism. He also likes drawing digitally because its easier and better to hide certain stuff.

Hates the word ‘uwu’ and 🥺👉👈

He's the only one who knows how to cook properly by using a stove or oven.

Adopted ringo when he was 16. she was homeless and he took her in despite his mom's nagging

He isnt the mom friend, just kinda the responsible one and the most adventureous at the same time ig. But he hates being called the "mom friend" or "motherly."

His music taste consists of cupcaKKe, joji, mother mother, tally hall, jack stauber, kali uchis and paramore.

He also likes listening to classical stuff while drawing.

tom radborne

He/him

Unlabelled

Taurus…

His parents are both Afro jamaican. They immigrated from St. Elizabeth Parish to London, England to be closer to family.

He only speaks english, he doesnt know any patois.

He was first interested in film when he was 9

Tom doesnt remember people from the past but he knows his parents resemble objects... his dad looked like a pineapple(spiky hair and glasses)..and his mom looked like a bowling ball..(black eyes/holes and usually wore dark lipstick)

His dad died when he was 6 his mom died when he was 16.

Hus dad died of a gunshot by a man who looked like a bear. matt was also there, he was on a trip with his family. matt got lost and saw the whole murder, scarring him as well.

Tom's mom committed suicide later on... She had depression but never got help because she believed therapists just wanted money. After she died, Tom stayed with his Aunts.

He was raised a jehovahs witness but after his father died, his mom and him stopped attending meetings.

Tom wanted to go film school but couldnt. it was expensive.

So he just worked in retail/fast food places after/during high school..

He still does. he works at some music store now

He started playing the bass in highschool, playing music helped him cope with his parents’ death

5’5” Slim but hes getting a beer belly

NO EMOJI !!! he always says.. only this XD :/ X3 XP

Would respond with k, hes so dry when it comes to texts

He likes small dogs like pugs and shih tzus

Has alot of piercings... eyebrows, nose, ears and belly piercings for example.

He listens to ska bands such as The Specials, Reel big fish, The Jam, and The selecter

matt hages

he/they

bi, says he prefers women. but he actually likes men more.

Cancer :s

His parents are actually really smart, both have Phds. They are both of Irish descent.

Their biological mom is a doctor while his dad is a professor.

Matt spent alot of time with his grandma while his parents were working.

They were spoiled alot by her…

Matt was an only child until...his parents divorced and his father married another woman who had a son named mark 👁👁

Matt and mark were opposites, they didn't get along.

Religion didnt play a big part in his childhood. he doesnt identify with any religion either.

Matt is 5’11, skinny and boney. Everyone used to poke fun at him but now he embraces his body.

High metabolism!

He likes to eat alot - him and edd get along by eating together.

Sweets>> but he cant handle spicy

He had no plans for the future when he was in highschool LMAOOOO.

Theyre debating if he should become a model but currently hes unemployed.

Misspells alotsjls

Overuses emojis😳😳😳🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😥😓🤗

They like dogs but hes allergic, he feels neutral w other animals

He forgets names quickly so he just assumes people’s names instead of asking their names again.

His music taste would be beyonce, cardi b, kash doll, britney spears, 100 gecs, doja cat and harry styles.

tord lardsverk

he/him

bisexual and trans.

Scorpio

His paternal grandfather created the red army in order to form all communists and attempt to make Europe more pro-communist. his father then took on the role as red leader. after his father died, tord became the successor.

His father and his mother are both of sámi descent. His mother is full Sámi while his dad was half Sami.

Religion didnt play a role either when he was a kid. rn hes an atheist.

His mom is very quiet and believes hes a saint.

Tord had a distant relationship with his dad. his dad was really cold towards him, he would force tord to be manly and act like a soldier. Sometimes he would verbally abuse Tord.

He came out as trans when he was 4. only his mom and other people supported him. Tord's dad was extremely transphobic throughout his life.

First language was northern sami, (he forgot but now he's learning again), second is norwegian, third is english. fourth is japanese

5’6” and after he left edds house he became more built. before he was just scrawny.

Puts. periods. idk. why.((;ﾟДﾟ))((;ﾟДﾟ))

((;ﾟДﾟ))uses these emojis๑(◕‿◕)๑

Bird person, he would definitely own a hawk.

He acts like hes straight.

Very educated in history and isnt some incel. he studied the origin of communism and communist leaders. His favorite subject was Global History. To this day, he still studies history and communism to regain facts so he can look smarter.

He's into complex and long animes, but he likes watching anime movies more.

His music taste is... vocaloid(hehe yup)tupac, coolio, nas, jack stauber, 80s japanese pop and nirvana.

#eddsworld #ew headcanons #eddsworld headcanons #ew tord #ew tom #ew edd #ew matt #ew hc

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent