#i did enjoy that meta article

[glow-worms-are-believers]

Heya so this is Damian's pov in the chapter 16 of my fic Hostage situations and other romantic activities based on @iguessthisisanewobsession's prompt! I had it written out and though it doesn't fit in with the main storyline, I figured I'd post it here and link it in case anyone was curious. Feel free to ignore this if you haven't read the fic <3

Hope you guys enjoy:) (Spoilers ahead)

Damian’s head hurt. Zsasz had managed to get in a good hit before Damian had managed to knock him out, or at least what he thought had been a knock-out. He’d been sloppy and now the teen’s head was throbbing. At least, he had seen no injuries on Danny though the other boy had been very pale and looked unwell. 

That was another thing. Danny.

Gotham wasn’t a safe place for civilians, and metas had it even worse. That was true everywhere but in Gotham even more so; discrimination, increased risk of violence, even human experimentation. 

It wasn’t surprising that Danny would want to keep his abilities a secret. But something about the blast, how despite clearly having been instinct, the shot had been so very precise that Damian who had been pinned under Zsasz hadn’t felt more than a cold blast of wind made it seem as if there was more to it than that.

And right now, as he was perched up in the tree waiting for law enforcement, there was nothing to do but to speculate.

No, that was untrue, he thought as he took his phone out of his pocket. He could do more than that. 

He could research. And so he did. 

And found nothing.

Oh sure, there was a blurry picture here, an oblique mention there but no proof of existence beyond a social security number, a high school diploma, and one measly article.

No birth certificate, no social media, no medical file, not even a driver’s license.

It wasn’t that Danny Fenton was a ghost. It was more like he was a half-finished person.

Damian breathed out slowly. 

It wasn’t Danny’s powers that made him suspicious. It was everything else.

An hour later, Damian slid down into the now dark forest and started walking.

Damian looked up to see Danny coming down carefully. Damian steeled his expression into a neutral one, unwilling to let his thoughts play on his face.

“Daniel,” Damian started formally. “You went back to the school.”

That was a point in the boy’s favour; at least, he had not ran.

“Yeah,” Danny answered, too casually. “thanks again for saving my butt back there.”

Damian nodded, but abstained from saying anything further in favour of studying Danny’s expression. He didn’t seem any different but Damian knew appearances could be deceiving.

“So-“ Danny started but Damian wasn’t interested in small talk.

“I could not find a picture of you before your fourteenth birthday,” Damian stated clearly.

“Uh,” Danny stumbled. “Ok?”

“Nor could I find a birth certificate in your name.” Damian continued expecting a twitch, a frown, something.

“Yeah,” Danny answered calmly, waving. “Mom and Dad are terrible at paperwork.”

Alright. If that was how Danny would play it. Flimsy excuses could only go so far. 

“No social media, no bank account. Not even a tax return in twenty years.”

“IRS have given up long before I was born,” Danny answered airily. “And Amity’s not the safest place for technology.”

Damian studied the boy in front of him. He looked relaxed and mostly at ease. A bit confused, a bit tired if anything. And Damian wanted to believe it. 

Yet, both his instinct and his experience were telling him not to, and so Damian forged on.

“Why did you come to Gotham?” Damian asked.

“What?” Danny answered, once again frowning in confusion. “Uh, I’m here for school? I think I told you that.”

This was getting insulting.

“Do not lie to me,” Damian said, feeling something brewing.

“I’m not,” Daniel persisted in a stupid simplistic excuse. “I’m really here for school.”

Damian clenched his jaw, keeping his eyes peeled on the deceptive face in front of him. Damian had come for the truth and he was going to get it. 

“You truly had me fooled,” Damian stated as he slowly started to circle the other teen. “I did not suspect you for a moment.”

“What are you even talking about?” Danny said, but Damian wasn’t listening to more lies.

“Why did you approach me?” Damian asked asking from Danny’s side. Because that was the most logical explanation, no matter what Damian wanted to believe. It wouldn’t be the first time mother or another one of his enemies had sent someone to kill him. He had to consider the possibility. Danny turned to keep himself facing Damian.

“I didn’t,” Danny stressed, his voice almost snarling. Good. More likely to let something slip.

“Maybe so, but you did not turn down the opportunity to do so either.” Damian allowed, because it truly would’ve been a convoluted plan to manipulate Damian into choosing Danny.

“What,” Danny’s voice biting. “Like you left me any choice?”

Damian stopped short at that. He knew he could be forceful and overbearing but he would never force anyone to do anything like that. He was nothing like her.

“Damian,” Danny’s voice rose again, kinder, softer. “Im not sure what this is, and we can talk about it, I-”.

No. This wouldn’t work. Damian wouldn’t let himself be pacified like a child. “You have deceived me,” Damian reminded himself and Danny

“I haven’t,” Danny protested but Damian wasn't listening. 

“You are not who you say you are.” That was the truth. And no matter what he said, Daniel knew it too.

“Yes, I am,” Danny refuted strongly and Damian had had enough. There was one thing Daniel could no longer lie about.

 “Are you?” Damian asked clearly. “Tell me Danny, are you human?”

Danny flinched and Damian’s heart sank even as it confirmed what Damian already knew.

“That’s what I thought,” said Damian, more calmly than he felt.

“What does that mean?” Danny asked, still trying to pretend but Damian wouldn’t let him.

“It means, I am ashamed I let you get so close.”

It means I know, Damian thought. It mean there’s no use pretending. It means, please do not try. 

There was a moment of silence where Damian held his breath. For Danny to finally give it up and admit it.

Daniel took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. And Damian held himself straighter. Daniel opened his mouth but closed it again.

And then finally-

“Please leave,” Danny’s voice came and what was left of Damian’s hope froze over.

So this was it then. 

“Fine,” Damain said dispassionately. “I’ll send you the severance pay before the end of the week.”

“I don’t want it,” Daniel bit out and Damian could feel something ugly within him rear its head, and Damian let it take the place of the coldness.

“Waynes believe in tying up loose ends,” Damian said silkily. “It does not do to for past indiscretions crop up at importunate times.”

“Ok no. I’m done with this.” Danny stalked off, and it welled up again, poisonous and mean.

“I would be happy to give a recommendation to any new employer of yours,” Damian shouted. 

He knew he was supposed to be better than this, but he couldn’t help it.

“Screw you!” Danny yelled back and Damian snarled, stopping himself from punching at a tree or something equally stupid and emotional.

Whatever. He turned away and started walking.

It wasn’t like it had been a real relationship. It wasn’t like it had meant anything. Damian started running.

It had done what it was supposed to do, and really, Damian had gotten out of it exactly what he wanted. 

The thought did nothing to appease the empty feeling in his chest as he made his way back home.

#dp x dc #dc x dp #Might be too soon but I just gotta say that the progression from fake lovers to bitter exes is extremely funny to me #roxpox #roxpoxwrote

[cancerian-woman]

I’m in a petty mood so :P

if Bonnie wasn’t the most disrespected character of tvd then maybe…idk there wouldn’t be videos, books, articles online that has to thoroughly explain this topic repeatedly with detailed evidence. Then you fans that claim Bonnie didn’t suffer the way other characters did or it wasn’t as bad only have that argument because you let your hatred for Bonnie cloud anything else. Pull up a video that explains how badly Caroline and Elena was treated that lines up with Bonnie’s. Like I said before NOBODY has ever said Elena and Caroline didn’t struggle that would be false but their struggles will never align with how the MAIN black woman was treated for 8 years.

Yall be upset over characters like Katherine, Vicki, Caroline, Elena etc etc. when Julie never went on Twitter tangents about her disdain for that character or actress , never bashed or nitpicked at those fanbases. Caroline Dries never intentionally talked over Candice, or Nina in interviews because they had ideas. Candice was so loudly loved that not only was her character placed with nearly every male, but they written in her pregnancy for Caroline connecting her to 2 more shows. Nina got to do more scenes as Katherine.

There’s plenty of other things but Kat could give yall losers a PowerPoint presentation detailing about how she was sidelined from Bonnie’s sexuality, repeatedly making remarks about how often Bonnie’s sacrificed and gets nothing, the relationships, and even her wardrobe. On top of continuously mentioning how she felt like they didn’t want her there. She’s even said directly she thinks there wouldn’t have been problems had she been white. I mean look at the white witches… The series will never let us forget how beautiful they found the other women yet NEVER gave Bonnie those compliments and moments to just be beautiful in a gown. Mystic Falls had a dance every damn moment yet how many of those was Bonnie enjoying herself? She couldn’t even win prom queen without that being taken from her. “She’s always had good friends…” what? The friends that didn’t notice she was dead for months and only wanted her back because they needed her magic? The friends that don’t check up on her at all period until they want her magic? “Her family loves her” oh you mean the Grams they referred to as an alcoholic in s1? The father who worked soo much but clearly never wanted to stay. You mean Abby the woman that loved Elena and herself more than she loved Bonnie? Wait, no no you mean Lucy the woman who said she’d see Bonnie again and dies offscreen? Or all of the lovely WOC we never get to see…

Yall really be talking out your ass. The fans that claim “people make it so hard to love all three!” because of these metas ONLY have these issues when Bonnie fans want to speak and cater towards Bonnie first. Dont follow Bonnie fans if you’re going to get mad everytime they speak about Bonnie. I don’t fucking get that at all. WHY go out your way to follow someone and you know you don’t want to read anything they have to say. Not smart but whatever.

#dria responds #sick of you delulu people in this tag fr #anti tvd #anti the vampire diaries #bonnie bennett #anti Julie Plec #anti Caroline dries

[warmtoastedbread]

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Cyno x reader

Fluff, slight angst? Reference to Sumeru archon Quest.

A/N: Ahhh Cyno my beloved main, my first five star, I adore this stupid little nerd <33 I'm cooking up more stories so I'll link a master list at some point. Not sure if I'll do a pt 2

Like and follow for more. I'll gladly answer asks in my inbox, I need more Genshin friends ( •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ )

╰──────────∘⋞ 〈༒〉 ⋟∘──────────╯

By all accounts Cyno was an intense man.

He worked diligently at his job, day in and day out. He upheld justice and punished scholars who committed any of the six sins. It was widely known that he would go through extreme lengths to inflict fair judgement on the offending perpetrators. Even to those who'd done nothing wrong, felt immense pressure in his presence.

Genius Invocation was no mere hobby to Cyno. He consumed each new magazine or article about Genius Invocation in his spare time. Whether it was tid bits about the cards, creators or what was considered meta Cyno read it. He'd enter tournaments for the game, tournaments with the prize being a TCG card he knew about it.

He had taken you seriously from the very start. You had come to the table a few minutes late, not that Cyno minded he got there immensely early since he had some other matches to play. It gave him time to set up. He had chosen his personally curated hyperbloom team with a very fancy card back.

You sat down a little nervous as the General Mahtra gave you an indifferent look. You quickly set up your thome, taking out your cards and dice.

Cyno had won his other two matches with ease his winning streak remaining unbroken. He knew he would win from the moment you pulled out your deck.

It was a troll deck. A Dendro, an anemo and a Cryo player card with the rest of the deck being the default deck. You had forgotten to switch to your proper deck and it would take too long to go back home and fetch your proper deck. You sighed feeling guilty, as though the General Mahtra in front of you would codemn you for some reason.

His gaze was intense as he waited for you to set up both of you remained in silence.

You did well during the match much to Cyno's surprise. Two of your character cards were fallen while Cyno's cards still had hp. Only your Sucrose remained.

You played a food card at 0 cost gaining an extra health point. You doubted it would do much but it was worth a shot. Cyno was confident in his cards and simply waited for your turn to end. Even though this match was meant to be friendly, Cyno's intensity caused you to reciprocate his seriousness.

You sacrificed some cards to convert your dice and then made a normal attack using your Sucrose card. That normal attack swirled the Cryo and knocked the last two hp points off two of Cyno's cards.

You were bound to loose from the beginning, and you did, but Cyno enjoyed the competition as he had in his previous matches. You sigh, the adrenaline in your body starting to come down from it's high now that the match was over. His stare was something you wanted to avoid.

"Is that your usual deck?" He finally asks as the two of your shake hands and pack up your things.

He was immensely curious about your skill at the game because you had gotten so far with such a poor deck.

"Ah, no it's a deck I use to help get my friends used to the game. I just forgot to switch it back, sorry." You reply feeling awkward, the sweat on your hands still accumulating even after you wiped it away.

"This was a very good game though, your deck was really strong." You compliment trying not to get on his bad side.

Cyno wordlessly nodded as a thank you. He knew his deck was strong, he had worked for months getting the right cards and balancing it. Cyno wanted to play against you again, next time with a proper deck in hand so he can have a better game.

Cyno couldn't shut up about you every time Genius Invocation came up. Poor Tighnari had to hear over and over how good a player you were, how each choice you made was strategic and an accumulation of jokes related.

He invited you again to play the next time he was free, which was a few weeks later. The air was still immensely awkward when you arrived at Lambads tavern. You apologised for being late again but this time your excuse was that you made sure to bring the right deck this time.

He didn't mind. One match kept escalating and then Cyno made sure to invite you to play Genius Invocation each week. Even though you were still nervous the conversation flowed easier. You eventually learned that Cyno was significantly less scary than people made him out to be. He was still scarily intense.

Eventually you met his friends, they were nice but you felt out of place. They were fun even though you struggled to add to conversation.

Cyno was intense when he eventually asked you out. It was a romantic dinner by candle light, orchestrated by Collei after Tighnari told the stubborn General Mahtra he was in love.

He was nervous, intensely so, but the manner in which you caught his attention left him at peace. It felt calm, like a morning sunrise in the desert where nothing made a sound.

Soon that intensity showed through in his love for you. The years you two had dated was easy, unbelievably easy because he adored you more than anything. Even in the nights where he'd gotten home late from a mission you were there, snuggled up in bed waiting for him to return safely.

Your relationship had gotten particularly rocky when he resigned as General Mahamatra. He kissed you sweetly that night, told you he'd be gone for a few days on a mission and he left. Like usual.

It hurt more than anything because he left you in the dark. He hugged you goodbye, as he would when he left for any other reason but he left a letter on his desk at home. A letter addressed to you when you eventually got worried for him.

The sages were corrupted and he couldn't risk you getting involved it was just too dangerous. Cyno's absence was noticeable. Dinners that were once filled with idle chatter and bad jokes were quiet. The empty house you had once shared was suffocatingly lonely.

You had cried some nights, worried sick and hoping your lover was okay. You continued on, pushed through. That letter he left you was something you read frequently, scanning over the neat handwriting over and over.

You missed him dearly and only hoped he'd return home safely, like he did after every mission.

⋅•⋅⋅∙⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅⋅••∘⋞ 〈༒〉 ⋟∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

My dearest,

I hope you're taking good care of yourself in my absence. I know you're worried for me but this mission is a task only I can inflict judgement on. Something immoral is happening and I left because investigating in Sumeru City will put you at risk.

Please don't misunderstand my intentions love, I will miss you dearly. You are at the center of my world and everything I do, I do with you in mind.

I regret that this situation has come to this but I can not let such abuse continue on. I will answer your every concern once I return, I promise.

If anything does happen please go to Tighnari in Ghandarva ville. He'll be able to help you with anything in the mean time.

With all my love, forever yours,

Cyno

⋅•⋅⋅∙⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅⋅••∘⋞ 〈༒〉 ⋟∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

#genshin impact #cyno #cyno x reader #genshin fic #general mahamatra

[darthstitch]

the professor wet cat fandom

Imagine that you're a Rose Walker fan.

You remember the first time you saw her book Into the Night on the shelves of your favorite bookstore. Let's face it - the intriguing cover art and the title caught your attention. The synopsis on the book jacket and a quick skim of the first chapter made you bring that book to the counter. Something about the story just resonates with you, the aching sense of loss and grief that Briar, the main character, had felt, the headlong rush into adventure that was a means to escape that sorrow, beckoned by the enigmatic King of All Night's Dreaming.

You read that book in two days. And then you read it all over again. Rose has just opened up a universe that you don't want to leave.

Then the audiobook is released. The voice who did the reading is incredible, a voice that's deep and resonant, like the voice inside your head, seducing you into the very heart of Night.

Everyone thinks it's an actor like Richard Armitage or that other guy with the cheekbones whose name everyone just loves to mangle, Betadyne Carrotene or whatever but he's not credited at all. Either way, you're all in agreement about this.

It's the voice of the King of All Night's Dreaming, the voice of the Prince of Stories.

Fine, you and everyone else just fell in love with the antagonist of Rose's novel. He's not really evil, more a neutral entity than anything else. But he was a bit of a bastard to poor Briar, even though you can understand the reasoning behind his manipulations. He's described as beautiful and mysterious and very charismatic.

Of fucking course he'll be internet catnip. Edward Cullen whomst? Tumblr and Twitter are fighting over their new precious blorbo. There's meta and fan art based off Rose's description of him in the novel and yes, you're among those who check AO3 every day for brand new fan fiction.

You end up trying to find all the articles about Rose Walker. She's a lovely young woman who looks around your age and she talks about going back to university and continuing her studies. She's all mysterious about her voice actor, only saying that "he wants to stay anonymous and really, I got him to promise that he'll read the next book for me!"

And everyone in the fandom rejoices because Rose just officially confirms that there's a sequel.

You're among the first to hit the bookstores when the sequel The Prince of Stories comes out. The cover art is gorgeous, somewhat reminiscent of Yoshitaka Amano or Ayami Kojima, a rendering of the Prince in glorious detail - the fantastic costume in black and gold, the wild black hair, the pale skin, the fine features and the brilliant blue eyes.

On second look, the Prince looks strangely familiar.

Rose Walker doesn't disappoint. The sequel is just as good as the original, expanding a little more on the character of the Prince of Stories. There's also a new character joining Briar and her brother in their adventures all over the Land of Night's Dreaming. He's something of a rogue and adventurer straight out of medieval England, charming, mischievous but ultimately quite noble and kind.

You start chortling at his scenes with the Prince, which are so obviously charged with UST. Everybody to kingdom come is going to start shipping those two. You hit Tumblr and already, there's a goddamn ship name. Oh, this is going to be fun.

You scroll through the blog posts, enjoying the fan art, the fan fiction and the meta and then you see this post:

Is the Prince of Stories based on a real person?

And there's a screenshot of a dedication on Rose Walker's book:

For Uncle Dream, our Prince of Stories.

Oh, come on.

So out of curiosity, you do a little more digging. Rose Walker also has a blog, in which she entertainingly talks about the writing process, answers asks with humor and wit and occasionally, she talks about her family. The antics of her little brother are hilarious. There are also stories about her great-grandmother Unity, who she had tragically only known for a short time, and then stories about her recently found "Uncle Dream."

You can see why the other blog poster had started to blur fiction with reality. Rose's descriptions of her Uncle Dream oddly matches up to the King of All Night's Dreaming, with some added extras, because obviously, magical anthropomorphic personifications of dreams and nightmares do not wander around in Real Life.

Apparently, he's also an adorkable wet cat of a man who unfailingly helped her with the writing process, giggled with her brother over his superhero comics and was completely gone on his husband the history professor.

Hang on a minute. Some of the details sound really familiar.

"Uncle Dream" also teaches on occasion at university, keeps a raven as a companion and is known to talk to him like they really understand each other, outrageously flirts with his husband the history professor in Middle English, in iambic pentameter and in Shakespearean quotations, even if said history professor loathes Shakespeare...

You suddenly raise your head up from your phone because your literature professor just walks in, holding on to a copy of Rose Walker's newest book.

Holy shit. No way.

"Professor Murphy, we didn't know you were a fan of Rose Walker," one of your classmates say.

Professor Murphy has a proud smile on his face. "My niece has quite the story to tell. I've been looking forward to reading her next book."

You can't help it and now, hearing his Voice, you're also suddenly dead sure who Rose Walker's audiobook reader is too. "You're Rose Walker's Uncle Dream?!"

Eventually, you all get to explain to Professor Murphy why you want his autograph as well as his niece's on your books. He's still a little confused about that but he's fairly gracious about it.

He's amused and is barely able to contain his laughter when everyone starts asking if the dashing rogue "Captain Gadlen" is based on Professor Robert Gadling. For once, Professor Murphy neither confirms or denies anything.

-end-

#dreamling #rose walker #dream of the endless #hob gadling #professor mysterious and professor wet cat #in which rose inadvertently launches dreamling in universe #i crack what i want #the professor cryptid wet cat fandom totally becomes a Thing #but they're all protective over their professor dream so it becomes an in campus thing #shhh nobody tell neil

[veliseraptor]

November Reading Recap

Banewreaker and Godslayer by Jacqueline Carey. Absolutely fascinating series, I want to dig into it with a shovel. Can't recommend it.

For one thing it contains one of the possibly most differently, weirdly racist depictions of brown people that I've read in a fantasy book recently (somewhat reminiscent of Aboriginal Australian stereotypes who exist because their ancestors were "burnt" that color as collateral damage in a battle of gods); it's decent in terms of writing quality but nothing terribly exceptional, and it's riffing as nakedly on Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion as Escape From the Bloodkeep was. Which is what makes it so fascinating to me - the way that it's looking at the same story (more or less) from the perspective of the god designated evil and his minions, and what it's doing with that - but again, while I want to excavate it and pick it apart, I wouldn't tell anybody to read it unless they were morbidly curious about it.

Silver Nitrate by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. I saw a lot of raving about this book and was really excited about it, but ended up feeling kind of...not let down, it was a solid three star book, but I didn't like it as much as I hoped. Part of that is probably because I was in it for horror and it ended up feeling pretty light on the horror - heavier on the film history, which is fine, but Siren Queen did that part better. It was fine, I wouldn't not recommend it to someone who expressed interest in it, but I wouldn't particularly include it in my stand outs of the year either.

Remnants of Filth vol. 2 by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou. Meatbun knows how to do (a) suffering and (b) fucked up relationships, and while this book's relationship isn't fucked up in quite the same "tailored perfectly to my interests" ways that 2ha was, it's pretty damn good. Very excited to see where this one goes.

Evidence of Things Seen: True Crime in an Era of Reckoning edited by Sarah Weinman. I was hoping for a little more from this than I got. It's pretty much just a collection of essays previously published online that come at true crime sometimes from a little more cautious/critical lens, but not in the way that I was hoping they would. I guess I was hoping for something that would be a more meta-examination of the genre and the issues it has, a little more introspective, but ultimately most of the essays were relatively straightforward true crime essays, just a little more thoughtful and with an eye toward a broader spectrum of stories than the "traditional" true crime stories. Not a bad collection, just not what I was hoping for/looking to read.

Was extremely funny to run into a surprise Michael Hobbes article that was very familiar from an episode of You're Wrong About, though.

The Haunting of Ashburn House by Darcy Coates. I enjoyed this one a bit less than the other Darcy Coates books I've read, but that's less its fault as a whole as it is "made use of loaded psychiatric language that I've grown increasingly uncomfortable with in reference to its villain" and I was just not totally on board with that. So I think as far as Darcy Coates books go it's probably my third favorite of three, but I still wouldn't not recommend it as a whole. It was certainly scary, and kept me reading the way that all her books have so far because I needed to know what was going to happen.

Our Share of Night by Mariana Enriquez. Sometimes I read a book and I'm like "I'm not sure I can say 'I liked this' but it sure did something to my brain and I think the something was positive, I want someone else to read this so I can talk to them about it" and that's why I'm giving this book to one of my sisters, because hopefully she will read it and then we can talk about it.

It was definitely a good book! It was a very good book. But saying "I liked it" feels sort of anodyne and quaint as a way of describing how I feel about it. It sort of reminds me of House of Leaves that way, which I guess is a recommendation in and of itself.

If anybody else reads this book please tell me what you think, I would like to discuss it with someone.

---

I'm currently reading Children of Memory by Adrian Tchaikovsky (so far a winner, as everything of his I've read has been), but I'm looking forward to trying to dip my toes back into some nonfiction with The Underworld by Susan Casey and Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause. Also need to read He, She, and It by Marge Piercy for my sci-fi book club. Other than that, I have a pretty open mind for what December's going to look like; since I'm going to my parents' house at the end of it I'll probably pick up something long-gone-unread from my old shelves there, which is always fun.

But I'm also considering making this the month I do my The Last Unicorn reread. We'll see how things play out.

#reading recaps #sometimes i read things

[indigovigilance]

I was just reading through some of your meta, and was thinking about your one about Maggie being possessed by an angel. I was wondering if the fact that Nina is played by Nina Sosanya, who also played Sister Mary in season one, might be connected. I'm a bit late to the Good Omens series, has that ever been addressed? Seems odd to recast an actress as a different character in the same show, especially a show so detail orientated. Seeing as Maggie and Nina are mirrors for Aziraphale and Crowley, I'm idly wondering if they being secretly an angel, and former demon worshiper would simply would be to add an extra dimension, or if there is something more sneaky afoot. Like spies for each side watching the shop or some such.

Oh, my dear friend, it goes much deeper than that! Do not be bashful about arriving late to the game: I also did not watch S2 until about a month after it dropped, and didn't arrive on Tumblr until a month after that (literally made an account for the first time to join this fandom). The fact that I'm getting these asks at all is evidence enough that anyone can catch up. So here we go!

read on Ao3

(forgive the quality of some of these screengrabs, I'm having internet issues and Amazon is taking it out on the quality of my video)

Nina is played by Nina Sosanya, who in season 1 played Sister Mary Loquacious (I still love that name):

...and Maggie is played by Maggie Service, who in season 1 played a satanic nun as well, Sister Teresa Garrulous (inspired):

But the recycling of the first season's cast doesn't end there!

Shax is played by none other than the illustrious Miranda Richardson, returning after her delightful season 1 portrayal of Madame Tracy:

Reece Shearsmith plays Shakespeare in Season 1 and Furfur in Season 2:

Reece Shearsmith, Mark Gatiss who plays Mr. Harmony, and Steve Pemberton who plays Mr. Glozier, the [zombie] Nazis in both seasons,

worked together on the award-winning show League of Gentlemen. An article about it even appears on David Tennant's website (which I just found today, doing research for this response!). It's a fun little read, I recommend it for anyone who's interested in "the making of" type stuff.

Gatiss was also involved in Doctor Who, which is of course was (per my humble opinion) the crowning glory of David Tennant's career until he stepped into the snakeskin boots. The article indicates that all these actors have prior relationships with David Tennant and Michael Sheen and were very pleased to be cast for this show.

But notably, only Nina and Maggie are named after their actors. Given that they also play out a whole slew of fanfiction tropes (I don't think this connection has ever been written out in meta format but it is alluded to in various YouTube clipshows) it seems to be a Doylian *Clue* that something is a little bit wrong about these characters and their alleged romance.

Other than that, I think the fact that cast is being reused only tells us two things: First, these are wonderful actors and why go looking for new talent when you already have the best? Second, they love this work and they love working together on it, and the actors wanted to return just as much as Neil wanted them to continue bringing his vision to life.

I'm glad you enjoyed Maggie is Possessed, one of my very first metas! I can see that you are going in order along my meta index. If you would like to keep reading on this topic, others have contributed their thoughts on the subject, and I've linked some choice readings below:

Can't You Hear Them? by @vidavalor The Grand Unified Theory by @noneorother which addresses the slew of purportedly human characters that have oddly angelic/demonic traits What's Up with Maggie? - a chain started by @iammyownproblematicfave that I and others have contributed to

I hope that this line of inquiry gets more attention in the future. If you haven't already, the docs below are great resources to bookmark as they are constantly being updated by teams of dedicated clue-searchers:

Good Omens Crackpotting Theory Tracker Hunting for Clues

~~~

I love getting asks like this, thanks for giving me something to do while I wait for my laundry to finish. I'm so so happy that more people are arriving in this cuddly communal crucible of creativity, it's been a great community for me and I hope you join us on this whirlwind adventure of piecing together the million-piece jigsaw puzzle that Neil left for us to play with as we await Season 3!

#indigovigilance answers asks #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens maggie #good omens nina #shax #shax good omens #good omens meta #furfur #reece shearsmith #miranda richardson #madame tracy #good omens production

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

The Yu-topia tanuki

Rikeijo's post about the censoring in the onsen scene in episode 4 made me remember this shot of this giant tanuki statue right before Viktor pulls Yuuri out of the water as I've always been wondering about its role. It also made me remember an intriguing fact regarding the private parts of tanukis, so I did some further research.

Tanukis, also known as Japanese racoon dogs (although they're genetically not related to racoons) are known in Japanese folklore as yokai of mischievous nature. So why does it appear in this scene?

Oversized scrotum

As yokai, Tanukis are associated with wealth and prosperity because of their magically expandable scrotums— a belief that dates back to the Kamakura period (12th century) when goldsmiths used tanuki skin (preferably from the stomach or the scrotum) to hammer gold to thin sheets as their skin. People thus believed that tanuki testicles must be full of gold. This is also how the term kintama 金玉 (literally "gold balls") for testicles came into being. Starting from the late Edo period, depictions of tanuki with oversized scrotums became popular in art. (Check out this article if you're interested in the multiple usages of tanuki scrotums in Japanese folklore. They even appear in a Ghibli movie!)

In episode 4, the tanuki appears when Yuuri agonises over his need to jump three quads in his free programme in order to win gold because he believes he's not good enough. Then Viktor takes Yuuri's hands and tells him in his bedroom voice why he is special and promises to create a free programme that maximises his strengths. Thus rather than this being a pun regarding the possible fictional properties of Yuuri's and Viktor's private parts, the tanuki sculpture being shown in exactly this moment could be interpreted as a promise of prosperity and good luck for Yuuri's next season.

Mischief

Apart from their magically inflatable scrotums, tanukis are also infamous for being tricksters and shapeshifters. They love to play tricks on humans. And there's no denying that lots of mischief in happens in the Yu-topia onsen since Viktor is there. There's not one scene in which Viktor doesn't breach onsen rules by not covering his private parts. But these are nowhere near the "mischief" he commits in this scene. In this sense, the tanuki statue foreshadows the mischief that follows right after Viktor pulls Yuuri out of the water.

To sum this up, the onsen scene in ep. 4 features three things traditionally attributed to tanukis

prosperity

good luck

shenanigans

and the tanuki sculpture encapsulates them neatly.

(I'm not gonna speculate why the Katsukis have a tanuki statue in their hot spring in the first place because this leads down a slippery slope of smutty conclusions lol)

sources: Wikipedia and curiousordinary

If you enjoy my meta posts, please consider giving my blog a follow or checking out my works on AO3(link in bio). You will find the results of my meta musings in there!

#yuri on ice #yoi meta #my yoi meta #tanuki #japanese folklore

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph!! do you know any post that analyze the music in sherlock (ACD or BBC)?? thanks♥

Hey Nonny!

Ah, yeah, back in the day there was a whole blog dedicated to it... yes, it was @holmesianscholar, but all the links I have to their music meta lists are broken 'cause I think they "privated" their blog (there's a setting on Tumblr that turns you off from being found on search engines, and that's what I think happened) so sadly I can't give you those links.

Browsed through my "music in sherlock" and "sherlock music" tags, as well as my filed meta, and here are the interesting ones.

MY POSTS

Stag Night Music

Did Sherlock Think All the Songs Were About him and John?

Dónde Estás Yolanda is Sherlock’s POV

No Charges and Running Away: A Story Told Through Music

Article: The Music of S3

There’s a Missing S4 Track…

Music Meta

Do You Have a Fave Track in Sherlock?

Gay Pilot Rooftop Music

Rooftop Sherlock Music (DOWNLOADABLE MP3)

Why has no one on the crew talked [about TFP]?

I was just wondering who you think the "what a lady" song in TSOT is about.

T6T: “Running Away” vs “No Charges”

T6T and TLD Complementary Soundtracks?

OTHERS' POSTS

Who is the Sinnerman?

“The Coventry Carol“ Audio Sample

(use of music in Sherlock)

Had some thoughts on the wedding waltz from SOT

We’ve not seen the (full) love story: missing scene(s) from The Lying Detective

Sherlock Four

The Music Tells The True Story.

Same Track in Two Different Movies

How do I figure out which tracks on the season 4 soundtrack correlate to which scenes? (Season 4)

Any similarities between any of the TFP songs and "Redbeard" from HLV?

I beg all of you to go listen to ‘Redbeard’ followed by 'I Had No One’

A Study in Soundtrack: S4 fuckyness™

A Study in Soundtrack, Part II: Addendum in Johnlock

Cheating (Sherlock S4 - John and Sherlock were Texting in T6T)

porn music from the pilot

There’s a tonne more in the second tag, Nonny, I just got bored of scrolling, LOL. These should please you for now, I hope!!

Enjoy!

#steph replies #sherlock music #music in sherlock #music meta #meta masterlist #my meta

[vro0m]

Hiiiii

So I’ve discovered what I found familiar and disliked about the interactions from your anon with the negative views and parasocial thing re:Lewis

Team LH on twt keep involving themselves in places that aren’t LH friendly and demand that others share their views which is nonsensical because if these ppl hate LH why are you engaging with them

They complain about ppl mentioning LH for clicks and then they respond and quote twts providing engagement and furthering the reach of these ppl

This part here is an assumption but if I had to deal with racism and discrimination on work (within f1) unprovoked and then my fans keep adding fire to those flames via sm engagement I might just spend less time on sm since I’m not about to quit my job

LH seems like the kind of person that would focus on making changes in areas he can control (sm, vacation activities, privacy etc)

Anyway I’m rambling now but yeah…..team LH complain about everything but engage with the very same ppl and articles they should ignore and it’s very pessimistic and argumentative behaviour

Hi! So there's a few things here. I wanna start by saying although you're taking Team LH as an example I think it's important to recognize that this isn't specific to them, nor F1.

I've had a twitter account for more than a decade – I don't engage with F1 content there myself, I'm just not interested – and I see very similar behaviour in my timeline although it's not fandom-based at all but queers and leftists and feminists and generally cool people and/or my friends. They tend to quote tweets that make them react (which is the equivalent of pointing directly at someone in front of your group of friends and saying look how stupid this guy is basically) and that makes other people react and so on and that's just how twitter is built. That's how twitter works. Twitter's foundation IS people yelling at each other. Is it stupid? Absolutely. But that's genuinely just what this platform is about and how interactions happen there most of the time. (Also not just there tbc I've seen such things happen here on tumblr and on every social media but twitter absolutely favours this more than any other social media).

And then you add fan behaviour on top of that and yeah. A lot of people tend to engage and get into fights about what or who they like and that's a human thing that's then sometimes magnified by parasociality and just. The fact that you're generally invested, you know? You invest time, and energy, and most of all emotions into a person, or a band, or an actor/actress, or a topic or whatever, that means something to you and that makes you feel something. And ultimately being a fan of something tends to be a bit of a foggy self-identification process, right? It becomes a part of you. So when people attack it, it feels like they're attacking you, they're judging you, because you don't like the right thing the right way, and it feels personal and so you feel the need to defend it because you feel the need to defend yourself for what you like and how you like it. It's an emotional thing. I think it's easy to get caught up in that. I remember how personally I took it when people made fun of things that I liked and projected myself into and made me feel joy at some points in my life. That's why I don't blame Anon from the other day. Because it's not easy to detach from what other people think of what we like and what we do and ultimately of who we are. Maybe I'm getting a bit deep about this but you get what I mean : people get emotional about stuff they like and identify with.

Still I think it's always important although maybe not always easy to try to be a bit meta about things and take a step back and be like okay wait a minute because how did I get here at first I was just enjoying this cool thing and sharing my enjoyment with people and now I'm anxious and angry what is this about and how do I get back to the part where it's nice and joyful? Because that thing that made you feel good should make you feel good.

Good luck trying to explain that to fucking twitter though.

#vro0m's asks

[k-s-morgan]

Hi! I just wanted to say I love your blogs and I hope your doing well. I'm praying for you and the Ukaraine. Also I wanted to ask about Alana Bloom in season 3, when she suggested using Frederick Chilton as the official voice for the insulting article Graham and Lounds wrote for tattle crime to enrage the dragon do you think she set Chilton up deliberately to get him hurt or did she simply not care? After the events of season two she turned into this cold cyinic and dark person which leaves me with mixed feelings about her. (I used to love her but after what happened with Chilton I cant help hating her a little.) She didnt seem all to concerned when she brought it up and when she visited him in the hospital she was so callous to him. What are your options on that scene too? Also I'd love to know what you think of Chilton in general and his character arc would be if the show renews itself. (I'm personally satisfied with all three seasons but I'm very curious to see what happens if they manage to get a 4th season)I dont think you've written a whole lot about him I'd love to know your thoughts! Best wishes and dont stop writing!

Hello! Thank you so much <3 I’m glad you’re enjoying my metas, and your support means a lot.

I think Alana simply didn’t care - I don’t believe she set Chilton up on purpose. No one really thought that the ‘official voice’ was going to be attacked except for Will, who had a much clearer and intimate understanding of Francis’ mind. There were risks involved, so Alana was wary of becoming involved, not to mention that she is smart enough by now to know that it’s better to avoid any plans if Will participates in them. So she chose to stay on the safe side, not caring if Chilton becomes a victim but also not really expecting it. 

As for the hospital scene, I agree that Alana was cold and distant. However, I think it’s a part of her own trauma. She comes across as numb to me, like a person who’s stuck in a nightmare and who’s witnessed so many horrors that they can’t bother to react any longer. I believe Alana when she says that she came to visit Chilton to remind herself of what Hannibal is capable of. Chilton adds:

Chilton: What Hannibal is capable of. What Will Graham is capable of... What you're capable of.

Alana: That, too. 

His implications are 100% correct: Alana acknowledges the role Will played in this tragedy and she acknowledges her own coldness. It’s just that she blames Hannibal for all of it instead of taking responsibility directly and/or sharing it with Will. She sees Hannibal as the source of all evil that happened with them, likely thinking he infects everyone he knows with darkness.  

As for Chilton himself, I really enjoy his character! I always thought he’s fascinating character because of his duality. On the one hand, he's a joke: he tries hard to be a respectable professional, but he fails at pretty much everything. He's hilariously full of himself and has a funny sense of self-importance, so his scenes are always golden. And yet, despite his overall silliness, Chilton can be very insightful. I think Chilton isn't stupid in general, he's just stupid in several specific spheres where he wants to look good. He has pretty solid intuition, but he doesn't fully know how to use it. Because of this, he has occasional brilliant insights but struggles with tying them together. He's a mess, and if he took some time to understand and listen to himself, coupled with his ambiguous views on morality, he could become someone darkly formidable.

I honestly have no idea what they might have done with him in S4-5. There was an idea of him taking on the role of Jame Gumb from SOTL due to the reference of him wanting Hannibal’s skin, and while I think it has potential, I’m not sure I’d be able to buy it. I think at this point, Chilton should be way too damaged both physically and mentally to do anything serious. I understand there is a running joke of how he can suffer in new seasons because his constant survivals are barely possible, but being burned to a crisp is definitely something he cannot easily return to. Maybe I could see him teaming up with Freddie, just doing research obsessively or writing endless versions of journals about his thoughts, feelings, and experiences caused by Murder Husbands.  

#hannibal #alana bloom #frederick chilton #will graham #hannibal lecter

[arabian-bloodstream]

The fandom has become so toxic these days. People are attacking each other online just because they don’t support the one team they are rooting for and honestly I expected that but one thing I dislike the most is that they insult the actors, calling them ugly etc (especially Matt Smith people make viral tweets about how ugly they think he is all the time) it’s just ridiculous. I mean if you dislike the character there’s no need to insult the actors and especially their appearance? Just like whoever you want and stop harassing people for their favorite characters/teams. Sorry I needed to rant and get this off my chest. Love your account and your metas.

First of all, thank you, I appreciate the compliment! I certainly have fun writing them!

Alas, it is the nature of any popular fandom nowadays. The discourse just so quickly gets toxic. Tis a shame. :(

Honestly, it's why I'm doing what I did in my last fandom (GOT/Gendrya/Arya) and (Reylo/happy positive space of Star Wars) the one before (The Vampire Diaries). And what I do in my current others (Demi Lovato, Adam Driver, Maisie Williams, and Caryl/The Walking Dead). I'm staying (for the most part) in my little couple bubble. I don't go searching for House of the Dragon discourse. I just stick to Daemyra period.

I rarely read reviews now that Daemyra has started in full because the toxicity of 'OH NOES! Uncle/Niece!' Like, what kind of show did you think you were watching?! is just stupid. And I certainly don't read comments on any articles I do read. Life is too short to deal with the hate. And I'm certainly not going to spend my time reading comments from Rhaenyra/Alicent shippers or Rhaenyra/Harwin shippers or Daemon/Laena shippers or GOD FORBID anti-Daemyra or die-hard team!Green peeps who seek nothing but to tear apart Daemon, Rhaenyra and Daemyra, and their actors--who are lovely, talented and hot as fuck!

Ain't got time for that. Life is too short. They have their opinions, their analysis, and are welcome to them. Whatever. Fortunately, the vast majority of what they opine, analyze, etc. does not coincide with what is happening on the show thus far. And considering the discourse around Daemyra? Daemyra is hot, popular, and HAPPENING!

So, I will happily stay in my couple bubble enjoying THIS discourse instead of the haters. Haters gonna hate, but I'm gonna love!

#daemyra #my couple bubble is where I shall be #daemon x rhaenyra #matt smitt is hella hot #emma d'arcy is hella beautiful #haters gonna hate #house of the dragon

[antigonewinchester]

Dean & Hell, Redux

(Previous posts: Intro post; Dean & Hell, season 4; the Mark & Hell, part 1.)

Before I keep going with the Mark of Cain arc, I want to return back to earlier seasons to talk again about Dean, Hell, and violence. As “Dean enjoying violence” is a major thread that runs through season 9 and 10 and strongly tied to Dean’s time in Hell, I want to put the right frame around this idea. And, as I’ve researched more on the topic, I’ve come to rethink my past perspective.

In my first analysis of Dean in Hell, I really resisted that notion that Dean did or could have enjoyed torturing. Part of my defensiveness was from having seen other meta in fandom that frames Dean as innately violent / vicious in comparison to other characters, as well as some of the show’s own framing around Dean enjoying violence in season 10, and thinking this framing felt off without fully being able to articulate why. Deadendtracks kindly pointed me towards the concept of moral injury as a key aspect in both Dean’s time in Hell and his time hunting, with this idea being central in Dean talking about his enjoyment of both. Viewing Dean’s violence and traumas through this lens ended up being a big missing puzzle piece for me, in terms of what’s going on in the show; how people react to Dean in fandom, including my own defensive reaction; and how all of these ideas combine together over the Mark of Cain arc, for better and worse.

In their meta on the Mark of Cain, “This is What You’re Gonna Become: season 9 as the culmination of Dean Winchester’s thematic roles of identity in SPN,” swayingwires persuasively lays out the case for both Dean’s time hunting and his time in Hell as situations of moral injury, tracing the evolution of these psychological wounds and Dean’s recognition of them through Kripke’s era of the show. I’m going to pull out a few highlights from this essay below, as I want to further support their interpretation by analyzing the language the show uses in talking about these situations for Dean. Then, after briefly looking at how Dean’s moral injuries are referenced in early season 10, I’m going to end this section with a perspective from Jonathan Shay, the researcher who originated the idea of moral injury, on the political significance of trauma narratives.

In their discussion of moral injury, swayingwires cites an article from 2012 in the PTSD Research Quarterly, a publication from the National Center for PTSD, written by Shira Maguen and Brett Litz. In a 2021 article for the National Center, Maguen, as well as Sonya B. Norman, further define moral injury and its co-occurrence with PTSD. The broad framework they lay out fits incredibly well with many aspects of Dean’s characterization and reactions to the events he’s faced:

“In traumatic or unusually stressful circumstances, people may perpetrate, fail to prevent, or witness events that contradict deeply held moral beliefs and expectations (1). When someone does something that goes against their beliefs this is often referred to as an act of commission and when they fail to do something in line with their beliefs that is often referred to as an act of omission. Individuals may also experience betrayal from leadership, others in positions of power or peers that can result in adverse outcomes (2). Moral injury is the distressing psychological, behavioral, social, and sometimes spiritual aftermath of exposure to such events (3). A moral injury can occur in response to acting or witnessing behaviors that go against an individual's values and moral beliefs. In order for moral injury to occur, the individual must feel like a transgression occurred and that they or someone else crossed a line with respect to their moral beliefs. Guilt, shame, disgust and anger are some of the hallmark reactions of moral injury (e.g., 4). Guilt involves feeling distress and remorse regarding the morally injurious event (e.g., "I did something bad."). Shame is when the belief about the event generalizes to the whole self (e.g., "I am bad because of what I did.") (5). Disgust may occur as a response to memories of an act of perpetration, and anger may occur in response to a loss or feeling betrayed (6). Another hallmark reaction to moral injury is an inability to self-forgive, and consequently engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors (e.g., feeling link[sic] you don't deserve to succeed at work or relationships). Moral injury also typically has an impact on an individual's spirituality (7). For example, an individual with moral injury may have difficulty understanding how one's beliefs and relationship with a Higher Power can be true given the horrific event the person experienced, leading to uncertainty about previously held spiritual beliefs.”

Swayingwires lays out the throughline of Dean’s moral injuries through a number of key moments in early seasons. First, there’s Dean expressing that he’s scared of what he’ll do or kill for his family in 1x22, after killing a demon who he knew was possessing a person against their will:  

“Threats to the family are supposed to be things, but now Dean is grappling with the idea that some of those things might also be people. Victims, even, like Meg Masters. People who should otherwise be saved. Hence Dean’s internal conflict: Saving People and Hunting Things have crashed up against one another in a way that creates a nascent moral injury deeply tied to both the Save Sammy and Daddy’s Blunt Little Instrument roles and where they overlap.” (”This is What You’re Gonna Become,” Chapter 2).

Then, in 2x03, Dean confronts again that monsters might not be just things but actually people themselves through Lenore and her ‘vegetarian’ vampire family.

“Like he did with the possessed victim Meg Masters, Dean discovers that Lenore and her people – including the vampire he killed at the mill – were the ones in need of saving, and from a hunter. Once again his moral code (Saving People, Hunting Things) rubs up against the reality that those two categories, people and things, are not as easily divided as his father raised him to believe. What if hunting things – something he enjoys – is actually harming people? This moral dilemma isn’t easily brushed off for Dean, even as he continues to operate under his code. Because to give up that equation – Saving People, Hunting Things – is to give up his identity and admit that what his father taught him, how John raised him to play that role of Blunt Instrument, was a betrayal of not only what was right but what was best for Dean himself. So the moral injury continues to fester.” (”This is What You’re Gonna Become,” Chapter 3).

As I mentioned previously, Dr. Jonathan Shay conceptualized the beginnings of moral injury in his book Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Moral Character, published in 1994. In it, he compares the story of Achilles in the Iliad to those of real-life Vietnam veterans. While the idea of moral injury has been expanded upon since the 90’s, Shay particularly emphasizes a part of moral injury as a psychological wound that those in leadership inflict on those underneath them: “When a leader destroys the legitimacy of the army’s moral order in betraying “what’s right,” he inflicts manifold injuries on his men” (6). Shay’s idea of “what’s right” is an expansive concept, taking from “the ancient Greek word that Homer used, thémis,” which meant “the whole sweep of a culture’s definition of right and wrong: we use terms such as moral order, convention, normative expectations, ethics, and commonly understood social values” (5). He uses thémis as the broad term for this concept through his book.

When thinking about Dean and his upbringing, an revealing point is how, to demonstrate the gravity of moral injuries, Shay compares the moral relationship between an army and a soldier to that of a parent and child:

“The vulnerable relationship between child and parent is a metaphor for the relationship between a soldier and his army. It is also more than a metaphor when we consider the formation and maintenance of good character. The parent’s betrayal of thémis through incest, abuse, and neglect puts the child in mortal danger… The child’s inner sense of safety in the world emerges from the trustworthiness, reliability, and simple competence of the family. Similarly, the child’s acquisition of self-control, self-esteem, and consideration for others depends upon the family… Lurking behind the supposedly settled truths is the Platonic assertion that good character is a firm wall between a good person and evil acts, regardless of the betrayals of “what’s right” and other blows, such as bereavement, that may simply happen to an adult.” (32).

Dean, raised by his father as a child soldier, is the intertwined embodiment of this metaphor. Through that lens, we can look at John’s last command to Dean – to save Sam or kill him – as an ur-example of John betraying “what is right” and of the moral injuries he inflicted onto Dean through his abusive parenting. This order was John as Dean’s ‘sergeant’, telling a soldier under his command that he might have to kill one of his comrades, and John as Dean’s father, telling his son that he might have to kill his brother, a failure of John as a moral leader multiple times over.

If Dean struggled with the morality of John’s order over season 2, then there was no such ambiguity for him in Hell and with Alastair. Dean knew what Alastair was coercing him to do was wrong and yet eventually did just what Alastair “asked,” even enjoying it.

“Alastair “broke” Dean by forcing a reversion of Dean’s personal philosophy and any sense of identity he held onto – instead of saving people, he tortures them, instead of hunting things, he becomes the thing… Dean blames himself for taking the only way out he was given after 30 years of continual horrific pain and daily destruction of his body “until there was nothing left”: inflict pain on someone else. Exchange the objectification of the tortured with the objectification of becoming someone else’s weapon. Exchange endless physical pain for endless moral injury.” (”This is What You’re Gonna Become,” Chapter 6).

Torturing in and of itself went against Dean’s moral code and would have been enough for a moral injury. Dean also finding relief, catharsis and enjoyment in torturing made that moral wound so much worse.

Swayingwires’s read of Dean’s two major moral injuries as related to hunting on Earth and torturing in Hell can be further supported by looking at the similar wording used by various characters, including Dean himself, to talk about these situations.

In the final scene of 2x03, Dean speaks with Sam about everything that’s happened in this ep:

DEAN What if we killed things that didn't deserve killing? You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us… SAM Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could. DEAN I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things; and man, I hate 'em. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it; hell, I even enjoyed it.

Here, Dean speaks his enjoyment of hunting, even killing, and how that conflicts with his newfound understanding that monsters might be people and might need saving, too.

Then there’s Dean’s conversation with Gordon Walker at the beginning of the episode, with Dean opening up to Gordon about his feelings around John’s death. Putting this exchange in the context of moral injury, it’s important to remember that what’s especially weighing on Dean here is John’s last order.

DEAN Sorry about your sister. GORDON Yeah. She was beautiful. I can still see her, you know? The way she was. But hey, that was a long time ago. I mean, your dad. It's gotta be rough. DEAN Yeah. Yeah, you know. He was just one of those guys. Took some terrible beatings, just kept coming. So you're always thinking to yourself, he's indestructible. He'll always be around, nothing can kill my dad. Then just like that [snaps] he's gone. I can't talk about this to Sammy. You know, I gotta keep my game face on. [Clears throat.] But, uh, the truth is I'm not handling it very well. Feel like I have this - GORDON Hole inside you? And it just gets bigger and bigger and darker and darker? Good. You can use it. Keeps you hungry. Trust me. There's plenty out there needs killing, and this'll help you do it. Dean, it's not a crime to need your job.

Part of this “hole” Dean is feeling is grief over his father’s death, as Sam mentions later:

SAM You know, you slap on this big fake smile but I can see right through it. Because I know how you feel, Dean. Dad's dead. And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can't take it, but you can't just fill up that hole with whoever you want to. It's an insult to his memory.

But I also see Dean’s conversation with Gordon as deeply connected to his grief around the moral injuries inflicted on him by John. Take Dean talking about his father as indestructible until suddenly he wasn’t. Literally, this comment is  Dean reckoning with John’s actual death. But it’s also Dean reckoning with John’s metaphorical death, the loss of John as Dean’s moral guide and role model. If John’s guidance and commands formed a foundation of Dean’s morality, then his last order sent an undeniable crack through that foundation, with Dean now explicitly questioning how his father raised him and how that upbringing shaped his own moral compass.

Gordon naming this emotion as feeling like a “hole” is also revealing in light of his character representing who Dean could later become: after his sister was turned into a vampire, Gordon tracked her down and killed her, just as Dean is possibly facing with Sam. There are perhaps echoes of this in season 10, when Cain says that Dean killing Sam would be “the murder [Dean would] never survive.”

The wording that Dean and Gordon used in 2x03 then returns in season 4, when Dean talks to Sam about Hell at the end of 4x11:

DEAN You know, I felt for those sons of bitches back there. Lifelong torture turns you into something like that. SAM You were in hell, Dean. Look, maybe you did what you did there, but you're not them. They were barely human. DEAN Yeah, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam, defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure. SAM What? DEAN I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years, all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself. I didn't care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever.

Dean again talks about enjoying hurting others, taking pleasure in it, and echoes Gordon’s words of this act as creating a “hole” inside him that he can’t fill. If Dean is just starting to be aware of and articulate his moral injury in 2x03, then he is acutely, horribly aware of this feeling in 4x11.

We can also see hole-related imagery appearing in season 5, during Famine’s speech to Dean in 5x14, “My Bloody Valentine”:

FAMINE Doesn't take much--hardly a push. Oh, America--all-you-can-eat, all the time. Consume, consume. A swarm of locusts in stretch pants. And yet, you're all still starving because hunger doesn't just come from the body, it also comes from the soul. DEAN It's funny, it doesn't seem to be coming from mine. FAMINE Yes. I noticed that. Have you wondered why that is? How you could even walk in my presence? DEAN Well, I like to think it's because of my strength of character. FAMINE I disagree. [Famine moves closer to Dean and touches him.] Yes. I see. That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.

Famine describes what again sounds like a hole, a “deep, dark nothing” that Dean “can’t fill,” echoing the same language from 2x03 and 4x11. Given everything that happened to Dean over seasons 4 and 5, it’s no surprise that he’s still feeling these moral injuries, not having the space, support or time to even start to heal these wounds. And Dean doesn’t get that space or time for healing over the next 5 seasons, either. With the exception of his year with Lisa, he never has the chance to rest, with season after season seeing Dean face more traumas and crises, having to push down his pain to save people, including Sam and Cas, and just to deal with his everyday reality.

Jumping forward to season 10, in their post “The Wounds That Never Heal,” veneredirimmel analyzes Dean’s conversation with Cole at the end of 10x07, “Girls Girls Girls.”

DEAN Cole, hey, right here. We're talking, okay? COLE How can I believe you, huh? How can I believe you?! My whole life, I've been... DEAN I get it. That was your story. Look, man, I got one of those, too. Okay, but those stories that we tell to keep us going? Man, sometimes they blind us. They take us to dark places --the kind of place where I might beat the crap out of a good man just for the fun of it. The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. Cole, once you touch that darkness… It never goes away. Now, the truth is… I'm past saving. I know how my story ends. It's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun. So, the question is, is that gonna be today? That gonna be that gun?

Veneredirimmel sees the darkness Dean speaks to as representative of the numerous moral injuries that he’s sustained over the decades, and I very much agree with this read. What Dean is expressing here feels more than just depression or PTSD, both which can be related to but are distinct from moral injury.

I’ve quoted the end of veneredirimmel’s post below, because I think it thoughtfully lays out what the story needed to face if it was going to honestly reckon with Dean and his emotional wounds:

“And there is no easy cure from this wound. Telling Dean that people love him is ignoring the gravity of the wound and dismissing it because that wound is not about love, and it’s not about deserving it or accepting it. Telling Dean that he’s done so much good has the same effect because the good doesn’t erase that deep sense of having betrayed what he deems right. It is not a matter of love and it’s not a self-worth issue nor [is it] about Dean’s flawed sense of self. Those horrors happened: Dean lived them, was in the middle of it so many times we’ve lost count. He cannot shake them off.”

Those horrors happened: for me, while I think the Mark of Cain arc tries and ultimately fails in confronting Dean’s moral wounds, not to mention his decades of traumas, there’s perhaps something to be gained in sorting through the whats, hows and whys of the messy, complicated story we did get.

Understanding my own reactions to this arc has also given me a larger perspective on the importance of how we talk about trauma and listen to traumatic narratives. The argument in my previous post on Dean and Hell essentially boiled down to: Dean is a good person, so he couldn’t really have meant it when he said he enjoyed torturing. Funnily enough, when pulling all my sources together for my bibliography, I realized a similar framing is actually used in-universe by Sam and Cas in talking about Dean and his violence over season 10. It’s not Dean that’s doing all this, it’s just the Mark; Dean can’t really be a bad guy; Dean is (must be) a hero. This claim is the mirror image of the idea of Dean as innately violent or as a character who uniquely enjoys violence unlike Sam, Cas, etc. But these two ideas are actually two sides of the same coin: the denial of trauma.

In Achilles in Vietnam, Shay calls these perspectives the “Law of Forgetting and Denial.” (While I don’t like all the language he uses here, particularly describing non-traumatized people as “normal,” I think the sentiment he’s expressing here is worth quoting with that caveat.)

“We must all strive to be a trustworthy audience for victims of abuse of power. I like to think Aristotle had something like this in mind when he made tragedy the centerpiece of education for citizens in a democracy. However, to do this we must overcome all the good reasons why normal adults do not want to hear trauma narratives. If forced to bear them, normal people deny their truth. If forced to accept them as true, they often forget them. Taken together, I call these good reasons the law of forgetting and denial. THE LAW OF FORGETTING AND DENIAL The social morality of “what’s right,” what Homer called thémis, is the normal adult’s cloak of safety. The trauma narrative of every person with PTSD and character damage is a challenge to the rightness of the social order, to the trustworthiness of thémis. To hear and believe is to feel unsafe. It is to know the fragility of goodness. Trauma narratives show us that our own good character is vulnerable to destruction by bad moral luck. Normal adults recognize the actual power deployments in their own society. To repeat what one has heard from a “loser,” from “damaged goods” – and this is how trauma survivors are often stigmatized – is to risk marginalization, reprisal, or being tainted by the same low status as the trauma survivor. Just as trauma testimony is always a political act, retelling trauma narratives is like-wise political. Judith Lewis Herman has persuasively connected the capacity to hear, believe, and retell with a supportive social movement.” (193)

We can see aspects of this “law” play out over seasons 9 and 10, in what the narrative denies, what it forgets, and how it frames Dean over this arc. But even if the story and the writers want to forget, that doesn’t mean we as the audience have to do the same.

Sources

“10.07 Girls, Girls, Girls (transcript).” Supernatural Wiki: A Supernatural Canon & Fanon Resource. 2nd Mar 2015.

“10.14 The Executioner's Song (transcript).” Supernatural Wiki: A Supernatural Canon & Fanon Resource. 26th Nov 2021.

“4.11 Family Remains (transcript).” Supernatural Wiki: A Supernatural Canon & Fanon Resource. 21nd Nov 2012.

“5.14 My Bloody Valentine (transcript).” Supernatural Wiki: A Supernatural Canon & Fanon Resource. 2nd Sept 2014. 

gelasius. “2.03 Bloodlust (transcript).” Supernatural Wiki: A Supernatural Canon & Fanon Resource. 13th Oct 2006.

Maguen, Shira Ph.D. and Litz, Brett Ph.D. “Moral Injury in Veterans of War.” PTSD Research Quarterly, Vol 23, No. 1, 2012, pp 1 – 6.

Norman, Sonya B. and Maguen, Shira. “Moral Injury.” U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, 26 July 26 2021.

orangemoonchild. “Untitled” (Whitewashing of Sam & Cas’s actions). Tumblr, 24th Apr 2014.

Shay, Jonathan. Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character. New York, Scribner, 1994

swayingwires. “This is What You’re Gonna Become: season 9 as the culmination of Dean Winchester’s thematic roles of identity in SPN.” AO3, July 14th, 2017.

veneredirimmel. “The Wounds That Never Heal.” Tumblr, 24th Nov 2014.

#meta #meta personal #dean #dean & the mark #the fun (?) thing abt posting meta as i go is that ppl get to see my rethinking & reworking in real time

[bowtiesnmusicals]

Here is my recap of the Birth Of A Show (Ian Brennan Part 2) episode of the podcast.

There is always more to be talked about.

Jenna said she hoped everyone enjoyed part 1.

Jenna asked if I he read articles and reviews. Ian said yes. It was awful and is like a self harm but he was careful about it. The first two seasons were written identically. Ryan would come in with an idea, songs, and architecture. He more or less and a good idea of the structure of the show. Brad and Ian would go and write it. Ian would write if it was funny and Brad would write if it was heart warming. A writer named Emily had a great theory about the show. She said each of the three writers have a different view of the show. Ryan is about ambition and flash and getting out to the stage and singing to please. Brad is the soapy heartfelt but mostly the romances of high school and youth. Ian was just making fun of all of it. I and said this was true. They has a synergy working together. They brought these three different views together.

They talked about Funk and all the crazy happening in the episode but they also fit in some heartfelt moments.

Ian said he was aware of how the show was received. He thinks show choir is stupid. The show later on started to comment on itself. Some people didn’t like the show was self parody and the show would parody itself. It’s all kind of dumb but also brilliant. It drove him crazy that people didn’t get that the writers understood it was a parody and satirical.

It’s a campy guilty pleasure and the get it. As the show got crazier it got winkier. As it went on people would say they wished it was more like the pilot. The show grew and couldn’t go back to that because it was special and small.

Ian said they were kind of trolling everyone. It’s very weird to talk about and very meta. He thinks about the show all the time but never talks about it. He sees Jayma a lot because of their kids.

Jenna asked what it was like for Ian to have to keep pumping out hits week after week. Kevin wanted to know if Ryan prepped Ian and Brad like he prepped the cast. Ian said sort of but it wasn’t the same. He asked them how do they think he did. He said the actor in him was annoyed about always being behind the camera. He said the switch from acting to writing is such an empowering thing that he can hardly complain. It was an unusual thing to see the cast become household names but no one knew who he was and that was the trade off. It wasn’t a bad trade off. He said it’s as a lot of fun. It wasn’t a big trauma experience for him. He got through it fine. A lot of the stress is the industry wanting more. He always get jealous of his screenwriter friends because a movie script is written and done. In television you are rewarded but also exhausted because you are continually asked for more.

Ian said even at its biggest the agents are always like what’s next. He said he just wanted to focus on Glee.

It was mostly a complete and total dream. It went by so fast. It was a weird Shangri-La.

Every time he talks about it it seems like a weird fantasy but it’s not.

Jenna said when Glee ended she was asked to write a piece about the finale. She said the first line of it was something like it felt like she was on a runaway train and just got to the station. It flew by so fast. The thing about the podcast is they get to look back at everything and they are grateful for it. They all lost their minds a little bit. At least for Ian their was a bit of anonymity. Jenna felt expendable at times. Without Ian it couldn’t keep running. Ian joked he was the true soul of the show. Ian said this show would not exist today without someone on set to take care of people’s mental health.

There are intimacy coordinators now and Hollywood is being reminded that actors are people with feelings.

Jenna said by the end of there was light at the end of the tunnel. They were able to have fun but also knew they would miss each other. In the middle of the show everyone was a bit adrift and lost to the sea of glee. They were all feeling it but didn’t know how to deal with those feelings or even vocalize them.

Ian said it might have felt like checking out to them but they were always there. They knew their characters and knew their jobs. He said it might have been survival mode but they got the job done. There were moments of people checking out but he was impressed how everyone handled their jobs. He said Chris showed up with a smile 99% of the time. He said he was pretty good about being good on these guys.

Jenna visited Ian in Barcelona.

Ian said don’t go on a vacation by yourself if you are man. No one talked to him.

Kevin was going to go by himself to Barcelona last year. He said thank god that didn’t work out.

Ian said the cast had so much work to do but the crew did even more work. He would get on to anyone that complained because yes they worked but the crew would be there long after the actors finished their work.

Kevin said there were a couple of times towards the end he would text or pull Ian aside to run things by him. Kevin said he was always o nice to them and he was always comfortable talking to Ian even though he was technically their boss. He said he would text him that the wheels have fallen off and someone is being mean to the crew or someone from the crew would tell Kevins something. He said people that are rude to the crew can fuck off. He said there was no difference between the cast and crew. Jenna said their was a guest star that came in later in the series and cut himself during a take and was very nice to a cameraman. Jenna literally got up and walked out of the room.

Jenna asked if Ian had directed before, how did he get to direct his first episode, and what brought him back? Ian said no he had never directed before glee but the best way to start directing is on your show because you can’t really get into trouble. He was super nervous and he was glad it was an episode that featured Tina. When they were shooting the pilot and he leaned back and told Ian he wanted him to direct one of episode of the first 13 and then when didn’t that happen he siad he wanted him to do one in the back 9. That got pushed to season 2 then season 3. Ian said he started to see a pattern. When you are directing it is very hard to write. Writing was a 6 day a week job. He hadn’t directed anything since a play in college. There is always one moment every day of directing where he had a moment of panic. Ian said he should describe directing as adding your own taste to things and being clear about what you want from the actors. He said the first DP gave him the best photography advice which was to know how you get in to a scene, how you get out of it, and have a weird camera angle in the middle. Brad’s advice was to just tell a story. He aid he had to learn to not be to precious and get it to the best you can and then in the editing room the first pas is always disappointing. Then you just have to do the same thing with them and walk through the scene. Constant communication is key. Good directors can make and actor do something and make them think it was their idea. Instead of giving line readings he would paraphrase to help find where to put the emphasis on the lines.

He said there was one time he was directing Jamie Lee Curtis and she said he is very specific.

Directing episodes gave Ian an extra sense of ownership of an episode.

The crew on glee is an example of why unions are good.

Ian was the narrator for the and that’s what you missed on glee recaps. Kevin said sorry for stealing that and Ian said oh it’s great. Ian said it came about because Kevin Reilly an executive at Fox said they were blowing through a lot of story. He hated the fact Finn and Rachel kissed in episode 2. He said that should have been the finale. He said you are blowing through a lot of story and are going to regret it. It was either him or Ryan that needed to do a recap. They did the recaps on Soap because they were carrying a lot of story. Ryan locked away the information that Ian told him he did voice overs int he past. Ryan told him to do one and they just stuck. He was the announcer for the completions as well. He was also Svengoobles the late night hose vampire character that announced the winner for one of the competitors. It was in season 3.

The New Directions was an actual show choir name. Ian wrote into the script and no one ever got the joke. He had to explain it to Ryan and Brad. New Directions = nude erections.

Jenna asked what Ian’s take was on the music aspect of the show. Ian said his beef was actually with the episodes dedicated to artist or albums. He said they should have been doing ELO. He was screaming into a tornado about that. His tastes are very not top 40 or R&B. He felt less connected to much of the music because he felt like they should be reinventing stuff.

Kevin asked if there was anything he wanted that they never did. Brad said he could say something but they probably did it. He said more yacht rock. They could have sold it. He said all the music he listened to wasn’t about the singing. He said there are like 50 covers they did that were amazing. He mentioned Teenage Dream makes him cry every time he hears it.

Ian said the Madonna episode wasn’t necessarily the DNA of the show. Even Ryan said he wishes they hadn’t done it. There is no coming back from that. Kevins aid in a million years would have expected Ryan to say something like that.

Ian said there is a version of the show that he vouched for early on. He said they shouldn’t honor time. The problem is they would watch them get older and still be in high school. The second you put in a story element that has a clock to it then you are tied to time.

Regionals, sectionals, and nationals was from Ian being in speech. It is not an actual show choir thing.

There is a version of the show that would have been more contained and more situational. Kevin said keep going you are giving Ryan ideas for the reboot. Ian said the show works really well it does the small stakes big stakes of things in high school. It’s not is Rachel getting the role on Broadway but more like winning a coupon for Breadstix for a competition. It is a little bit more if Glee was like the Simpsons. The show was an hour long which is not normal for a comedy. The show Ian is describing was the show he was writing.

Jenna said this interview is crazy.

Jenna asked him what they ask everyone. What is the word, feeling, tone that Glee has left you with. Ian said an unbelievable sense of pride. It feels like a child. It’s like a creative achievement that can never be taken away. This is like a really good book. He feels like he contributed to the culture a bit. It’s like required reading. I did that. Kevin said you definitely did. Since people don’t generally recognize Ian he said it is a fun thing to drop on people that have no idea he is a creator of Glee. Ian said it is a dick thing to do. Jenna and Kevin said not that’s good. It was very very impactful. It was really cool when Netflix picked it up. Now it’s on Disney+. The first time it came up on his banner and Kevin said he was like what. It was weirdly not cued up to the pilot for Ian. It had cued up to Showmance for some reason. He said he doesn’t know how they did that. He says Showmance might be even better the the pilot. The first 40 or 50 were a slam dunk with a few bombs. Even throughout the rest of the show the show was great. There was nothing else like it on tv. Jenna said Glee would not exist without Ian. Ian said thank you. He said it’s so weird. He said in every other shard of the spiderverse it doesn’t exist. Musicals had never worked.

Kevin I said it was the cutest watching Ian’s parents come to the concerts. He could cry because they were so proud of Ian. Anytime they came around it was like this was what your son did. This is your fault. Kevin said they are the sweetest people on the planet.

Ian said he is fortunate they found the cast.

Kevin said Ian has an insane past year. Ian has a couple of huge shows on Netflix.

Kevin said we’ve got you anytime you need a boost of confidence.

Ian said You Got It would have been a good song for Glee.

Jenna said they will text him when they can’t remember things. They said Ryan will probably be relieved that they stop asking him everything.

Kevin said he loves Ian. Jenna said she could talk to him for years. Kevin said he texted as soon as he got of the zoom and thanked them.

Kevin said because this was so unique to their group of people its hard to talk about it at length with anyone that wasn’tt there. It’s a treat for them because they are learning with us. Kevin said he was glad Ian felt comfortable to open up and let it spill.

That’s it for this episode. See you next week.

#and that’s what you really missed #atwyrm #jenna ushkowitz #kevin mchale #Ian Brennan #glee #podcast

[terrence-silver]

Imagine: Old man Terry digs up his white satin Gi from the 80's and gives it to beloved as a present after they gush about it, seeing it on a photograph in Terry's private collection somewhere. He hasn't wore it for over thirty years by choice, because it represents, he felt, a part of him he's supposedly ''left behind'', but at the same time, he wants to reconnect with it and coax a smile out of beloved when he presents it to them, showing them that it does in fact still exist in his possession.

―

Nothing gets discarded in his life.

Only re-purposed.

In this case, re-purposed to the closet. The closet of unused things. Terry doesn’t throw away things, even when he very much pretends to be liberated of them and their influence just like his therapists in the past suggested, and supposedly does. Convinces himself he does. To his chagrin, he gets far too attached even to the material. To everything that he ever enjoyed and deemed his. It is simply tucked away. Hidden. From himself. From others, especially. His wardrobe from the eighties. The seventies. Another era, another him. At this point, a trove of things a learned collectionaire of fashion couture would call vintage --- each piece costing a fortune, more so with the passage of time. He contemplates it, in the darkness, venetian doors closed shut, the staff instructed not to let anyone in. He always comes here to merely contemplate whenever he shows you a photo of himself, decades old, and you complement or find a liking to anything on it. Maybe he’s silently daring you to, to be honest, trying to live vicariously through himself and the past in the most meta sense. Maybe he’s daring you to mock something so he could have an excuse to push you aside and maintain control. To hurt you and punish you for it? A bit of both? His fingers find what they were searching for, of course they do --- Terry knows exactly what he’s looking for and where to find it --- immaculately folded, the sheen of pale satin, embroidered on the back in shiny, multicolored thread. A serpent in silk patterning. The logo of Cobra Kai. A neatly tied black belt, just the way he’s left it. Ah, yes. Your words from the other night echo in his head. ‘Terry, you looked so handsome.’

If he showed anyone else, they’d say it is laughably gaudy and passe.

P-lease, we didn’t know you were a fashion disaster, Terrence. He cringes at the thought.

Kitsch. He supposed it was, in a sense --- the eighties encouraged and embraced the kitsch.

But, why did he feel so powerful then? So free? When he wore it? He was magnificent.

Like he was himself somehow.

He strips and undresses, piece by piece in the closet, stacking up each article of clothes previously on his body to immaculate perfection just the way he did in the army, until he was naked, only a neck chain around his throat present, mirrors around him reflecting him back to him to infinity as he slips on the white silk Gi, covering up the scar of his tattoo, now gone, only a reddened, pale maw behind it, each motion slow and deliberate, as Terry savours the act. Ties the Gi. Finds it still fits like it did three decades past. Now, it matches his hair. Silver on silver. Smooth on his skin. Cool. Smells the way attire unused smells. Not bad. But, of being forgotten. Terry stretches his shoulders, circular motions and he finds nearly smiling at the mirrors surrounding him. He’s a pale god. Pale skin and pale hair on pale white satin. You looked so handsome. So handsome. So handsome. He knows he looked and looks handsome, but hearing it said to him, about a part of his life he’s sought to hide for so long, now fully embraced, dojos franchising across The Valley, with his face proudly on them. He feels right and he heads to the bedroom. Wide strides, the staff gawking after him in the corridor in amazement and then pretending to be cordial and looking away. His smile widens. Fuck, he feels like a kid. He finds you in your shared space. -”Terry, I...”- You breathe and trail away once you spot him wearing what you were thinking he was wearing, removing yourself from the balcony and rushing over with a look of excitement about you, hands trailing over the collar, shivering. The slight sheen reflected in your gaze.

He doesn’t let you finish.

His hand squeezes yours atop of his chest, intermingled with the ivory silk. 

Eye contact firm; Terry doesn’t wanna miss a thing.

-”You like that, don’t you? It’s yours.”-

You’re so preoccupied with admiring him in the Gi and caressing it, you never even notice just when he’s backed you into the bed and pushed you up on it, slightly bouncing on the mattress once he gives you a tender shove, minding his strength, hovering on top of you, so you can observe the fabric even closer as he follows each expression, each intake of breath, the way your nostrils widen, eyelashes fluttering, lips quivering as you look away from the deep slit of his torso. Say you love me. That you’re my slave. -”Terry! Goodness! You still have it! You didn’t throw it away!”- You exclaim, excitement, shock, a sense of being flustered and amazement intermingling. There’s something else there; arousal. Desire. He could devour you right there and then but he wants to seep up every bit of praise. He supposed he wanted you to tell him how much you loved his past him. The unhinged, the coked up, the mad, the burning, the brilliant, the volatile. The one therapy, masks, expectation, social conventions and the passage of time put to sleep. You do. He licks his lips. -”Terry, I adore it! It is brilliant.”- -”It is, isn’t it?”- He’s impatient, starved. He can’t even wait for the complement to end. Self-control. Discipline. -”Yes. I can’t believe you still have it!”- You trace the material, your eyes practically smiling along with you. He feels the touch in his marrow. In his blood. In his cock. -”Oh, it feels so soft.”- You coo and he just about presses his hand against your neck right about then, hoping it’ll have every sweet word directed at him flowing out of you. Hoping it’ll shut you up and every bit of craving in him.

Terry kisses you rough.

It tastes like blood.

#this ask is precious #more like this #please! #terry silver #kk3 #cobra kai #old man terry #fluff #terry silver x reader #terry silver x beloved

[biblioflyer]

How to squickly mangle a theme, Picard Rewatch s1e3

This is a crankier essay than some. I'm still enjoying myself but the stuff I thought was messy and uncomfortable is starting to reemerge. Three episodes in, the metaplot and dominant themes are taking shape and there is so much there that has such incredible potential, its frustrating how quickly its already kind of dissonant.

This is part of a series of essays reevaluating Star Trek Picard and interrogating the widely held fandom criticism that Picard made the Federation into a Dystopia.

All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again….wait, wrong show….

Something I am struggling with in this rewatch is what was the point of sending Dahj and Soji into the Federation with false personas and no memories of the Synth colony? OpSec? Did the Synth Colony somehow figure out that someone was trying to capture Synths and extract intel after their emissaries went missing? 

I don’t clearly remember what the rationale was at this point and I’m struggling with the seeming pointless cruelty of Dahj and Soji having to experience a profound identity crisis in order to reclaim their true selves. 

If they’re the next evolution of Soong-type Androids shouldn’t they be perfect mimics? Or did they lose the ability to be perfect mimics when they made the leap from circuits and tritanium to synthetic flesh and blood?

The Artifact and Romulan Intrigue

The Romulan metaplot is kind of troubling. The first two episodes set things up so that we are supposed to feel bad for the Romulans. The heart was torn out of their civilization by a supernova, the Federation had pledged to save almost a billion people and then it didn’t. 

This is presented as a very serious moral lapse on the part of the Federation that spirals into a prolonged retrenchment from being an outward looking people into a self interested and paranoia fueled decline. I have all along been debating whether this is fair but a lot of the meta commentary around the show certainly seems to take this as an article of faith: the Federation was wrong, the Federation became a meaner, darker place. Picard himself even laments bitterly that half of Starfleet Command didn’t even want to help the Romulans in the first place.

So if the Romulans are supposed to be stand ins for refugees and a condemnation of the global community’s persistent racism and abdication of mercy and responsibility, why is every Romulan we’ve met after Laris and Zhabon a high level infiltrator plotting assassinations, nameless death squad goons, a gaslighting Romeo, a textbook example of the Dark Triad personality profile, or merely unpleasant, authoritarian, and callous like basically all of the unnamed Romulans on the Artifact?

This would not be the first time Star Trek stepped all over its own messaging, but this is seriously yikes. I’m pretty sure that episode where Troi was undercover as a Tal’Shiar operative managed to have more than two sympathetic Romulans. I’m extremely confident “Unification” (Spock’s two parter) had a lot more than two.

To be fair, later episodes will complicate the picture further by presenting us with a fresh batch of sympathetic Romulans, but the presentation of Romulans on the Artifact is seriously lacking in nuance.

The storyline on the derelict Borg Cube is definitely a bleak one. You have the Romulans, now a scattered and shattered people, exploiting an even more unloved and unmourned people: the Reclaimed or, as they refer to themselves, XB. The XB are fascinating in that they could really stand in for a lot of different sorts of people. People disfigured from accidents or violence, refugees and victims of war. The Romulans treat them as a resource to harvest on a good day and a burden on less good days.

My main complaint here is that if the Romulans were supposed to be more sympathetic, then the relations between the XB and Romulans could have been presented as more amicable. The harvesting and trafficking of Borg tech from the Reclaimed could have been presented as an ugly but mutually accepted act of desperation to acquire the means to shore up their tenuous situation: acquire more and more sustainable infrastructure, do humanitarian outreach: that sort of thing. There was an opportunity here to show broken, untrusted people finding shelter in one another amidst a hostile universe and they just sort of went with something more like ISIL and the Yazidis instead.

Hugh’s return was a bright spot though. His bit of dialogue with Soji was heartbreaking:

“I find that if I ask people for help, they’re happy to give it.”

“That has not been my experience. Particularly with Romulans.” - Hugh.

Speaking of yikes…

Narissa and Narek’s interactions are as weird as I remember. A choice was clearly made here to give off Lannister vibes without any of the warmth that originally existed between Cersei and Jaimie. Maybe I’m just the product of a family that likes its personal space and less burlesque speaking voices so I’m being unfair. Whatever the history of these two siblings was, they clearly were very close once (maybe not quite that close) and clearly now resent each other.

For my two slips of latinum, Narek seems to have the right approach. The “activation” of Dahj under uncontrolled circumstances resulted in multiple fatalities and Commodore Oh having to exercise her authority to cover up a Romulan hit squad murdering Dahj’s boyfriend and then repeatedly losing goons trying to capture her across two discrete incidents. 

Then Oh sends hitters to try to take out Picard before he can chase the rabbit further. Which also fails and this time results in the production of tangible evidence she can’t destroy immediately, although for…reasons….Picard, Zhabon, and Laris don’t feel like they can take this evidence to Starfleet.

I sort of get Picard’s reticence to take this to the old crew on two levels. There’s the question of their safety, although his willingness to get Raffi and a naive scientist involved is a bit questionable. Although to be fair they are people with their own agency who more or less did exactly what Picard predicted his crew would do had they been given the choice, which is why he didn’t want to give the old crew the choice.

The second is more somber. Picard is on something of a post-depression apology tour. This is a term I picked up from social media to describe coming out of the lethargy and fog of a deep depression wherein one has been incapable of reaching out and performing the duties of friend, partner, family member etc. As Raffi is quick to point out, Picard shows up after fourteen years without so much as a hail and he doesn’t even open with a wellness check, he shows up with an agenda and bait he knows Raffi can’t resist, and perhaps even a dim awareness of what it costs Raffi to put herself in the frame of mind Picard needs of her.

We know Picard and Riker remained close while Beverly disappeared. We don’t (yet) know of his relationship with Geordi and Worf. As I write this, Picard season three has yet to drop its fourth episode and I want to get this in the queue before too much time elapses and I start losing my impressions of my rewatch of “The End is the Beginning” which was a week ago as of this writing. Who else might Picard owe an apology to and what would be the personal cost of having to show up to ask them to risk their life in a conspiracy involving spontaneous attacks by Romulan death squads?

Character growth: Picard

Picard starts to become a savvier, more self aware character after his failure to persuade Clancy. After his discussion with Clancy, he quickly pivots to being dismissive of consulting a lawyer before he does anything when discussing his plans with Rios. This is a hint at the Picard who had the ability to adopt a persona suited for undercover work back in the day, odd as it was for a Starfleet Captain to be infiltrating a criminal gang.

Picard also clocks Rios as ex-Starfleet and far more than a common smuggler or mercenary very quickly. His attitude towards Rios, pointing out all of the elements that suggested Rios was a better person than Rios might even believe of himself, reinforces my theory of Picard and Raffi’s past that Picard loves a misfit with potential. 

Perhaps this hearkens back to Picard’s own past as an unruly, arrogant mess of a young man. The sort of man who gets stabbed through the heart in a bar fight yet goes on to command the flagship of the Federation and write scholarly tomes. If anyone were inclined to map out a grand future for undisciplined and broken people and then proceed to maneuver them towards that future one nudge at a time in a very chess-master like fashion, it's Picard.

In the end Picard reveals his secret fondness for being a man of action with his farewell to Chateau Picard, “I tried my best to belong to this place.”

Which also incidentally is the first sign of romantic tension between Picard and Laris. RIP Zhaban, you were a fun character but surplus to requirements.

#star trek picard rewatch #star trek picard #star trek #the end is the beginning #picard s1e3 #romulans #XB #Borg #third of five

[unbotheredgoose]

Thank You

Hello, everyone! If you didn’t know already, I’m Jupiter, I’m nonbinary and Brazilian. You might follow me for my meta posts, or for my posts related to politics, or because you read one of my fics and liked it so much you looked at the author’s notes, but today I want to thank each and every single one of you.

My bio, as of writing this, reads: 

brazillian twat and aspiring writer trying to keep pushing on in life

But, today, I’m proud to announce that I’m a Brazillian twat and a professional author trying to keep pushing on in life.

If you didn’t know already, I have been writing for eight years now. When I started doing this, out of a mere hobby and with a distant dream of publishing a novel in the future, I heard plenty of times that authors don’t make much money and that I shouldn’t pursue any careers in writing. Given I was young, and I was just doing it for fun, I didn’t think much of it.

As time went on, my writing got better, and, even though my writing is purely self-indulgent, I could see myself building an audience to my various works, as views, Kudos and comments went up. Of course, I’m not exactly famous or anything like that, but seeing the numbers rise for something I had genuinely enjoyed doing and opening my inbox to both praise and criticism of my work was incredible.

Recently, even though I never had that much money to begin with, I fell in a very dangerous place financially. I started working a lot to try to earn any money to keep myself fed and roofed, and all I did all day was look for jobs and make sure I had something. And it was in this situation that I launched my Patreon page and my website.

I wanted people to see what I was writing and support me financially. I set up an entire work schedule and stayed awake nights on end trying to supply my readers with a stack of poetry and short stories, with the hopes that someone would see it and be able to donate. One US dollar in Brazil, equals 5,30 BRL, and the standard five dollars of the lowest tier buys me two entire meals.

I’ve said this all before. But I took it one step forward: I decided to become a freelance writer and apply for positions that writing was a great ability.

And so I did. And, eventually, I was hired to do a job I love doing, to write a genre that I love writing, to do things I love doing.

I was hired to be a gaming journalist for an international magazine.

A company liked my writing sample so much that they commissioned me to write articles for them. Me. A Brazillian person. Writing in English for a magazine I’m a huge fan of. Expecting to earn thrice the amount I was earning before with my other jobs, being paid regularly with an actual contract, working remotely and being able to go back to studying.

And that’s all thanks to you. Yes, you, sitting behind the screen and reading this post, considering whether or not to skip it or just give me a like as congratulations.

You.

Thank you for providing me with confidence I didn’t have about my writing. For those of you who read my fics, for every person who ever commented or gave kudos to my work on AO3, for every person that reblogged rants of mine and meta about various shows: thank you.

Thank you to those who told me that my English was great in my early works, when I thought my English was mediocre at best.

Thank you to those who commented strings of hearts and half-sentences that I could never respond because my chest felt so full when reading them.

Thank you to those who reblogged my rants and my Tumblr posts.

Thank you to my followers, my readers and those who simply passed by me in this sea of knowledge that is the internet.

Thank you to my main inspirations, who I will cite by name because they are wonderful people that have impacted me a lot when deciding to keep pushing forward: @knowlesian, @andillwriteyouatragedy, @perkynurples, @johannestevans and @queerspacepunk (give them all a follow; trust me, you won’t regret it.)

I lived every day as if it was my last for too long, uncertain if my body would finally succumb or if I would wake up the next day and make it through. I thought there was no way out of this miserable cycle of suffering.

You all gave me a reason to keep looking forward to things. If it weren’t for you, I’d long have given up on this dream of mine. Maybe it would have died with that child I once was, writing bad poetry on a notebook and hearing that I would never be able to do anything for myself.

Thank you for giving me a choice to keep living. For making my days feel better and have any meaning to them. For making me look up and see the bright side of life.

I can see it now. It’s an everyday struggle and there is suffering so bad it makes you want to give up, but oh dear if there isn’t an inexplicable beauty in a job well done. In a blooming flower, in a dream come true, in the effort and the sweat that actually amounts to something.

For those wondering, I will keep publishing, both fanfic and original work, as much as I can and as often as I can. I’m working on a horror novel that I’ll publish one day. It’s turning out okay, so far, and I’ve made myself scared quite a few times. I’m working on it.

I’m working on myself, working on my skills, working in general.

And good lord if it isn’t great to get to choose to skip dinner, instead of going to sleep hungry because I’m too afraid of the cost of a meal.

Every single one of you had a part in providing me that. And I love you all for it.

Thank you so much for everything. Stay safe, and I’ll see you next time <3

#thank you ❤️ #goose talks