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leahseclipse · 3 years

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The Reichenbach Fall: Aftermath - Chapter One: Happy Death Anniversary, Detective.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x GN!Reader (With some Fem mentions)

Warnings: S2 FINALE SHERLOCK SPOILERS, Major character death; death topic, mourning, suicide mentions, depression mentions... (lemme know if I missed stuff.)

Summary: Two years after the death of Sherlock, what could be next?

Word Count: 4.0K

A/N: Hey there! I've finally found the motivation to post my Sherlock fic here. If you prefer AO3, click here :)

Sherlock used to call at midnight, he never cared whether you were trying to sleep, or if you were actually sleeping- he’d just call.

Sometimes to complain that technology was futile given the multitude of defaults it contained (his phone, for example)- or to talk about an article in a newspaper, thinking we’d be interested in it.

It’s been two years since the last call. No one could bring themselves to delete his number since; and I understand the reason for it. We all had some hope inside us, it was small given all the time that went by, but it was there.

We all wondered if he wasn’t alive. Movies aren’t real, so the whole fake-death scenario couldn’t have been real but we all thought “why not?”, it could happen. That was over a year ago, but I still believed it, I wasn’t quite planning on giving up; and when my phone rang a bit after midnight, I still had a glimpse of hope, each time.

That glimpse was cut short when I read the caller ID. It was John. I did like him, he just wasn’t who I expected to see, but I picked up the phone, just to not be rude. Voicemail is awful. “John? What’s going on?”

"I...I don’t really know, actually. Guess I...needed to feel less alone. I don’t even know."

“Hold on.” I glanced at my bedside as I put the phone on speaker before sitting on the bed. "...so, you couldn’t sleep?"

"Yeah, I’ve been trying for an hour, certainly because of..." He stopped, hesitating with his words.

Who else other than Sherlock would it be, honestly. The man’s always been in our thoughts, and now that he’s gone, we have to be reminded that he’s stuck in our minds. The only way to hear him is through memories, and probably some of us are afraid to forget what he sounds like through time. He wasn’t the guy to make documentaries on him, film himself- hell, he rejected every interview he was offered. The only thing we have is pictures, which isn’t enough.

"It’s him, isn't it?" I presumed.

"Yeah, Sherlock." He confirmed. “It’s the anniversary of his death, in two weeks.”

See, that was the kind of thing I didn’t want to recall as it made me think of what I didn’t want to accept, but at the same time, if I stopped thinking about that, might as well forget Sherlock completely.

"It kept me awake too." I admitted.”I can’t believe it.”

No one really does, to be honest. We all wish that it could be fake, that’s what we would need, even if it’d hurt to see him while we mourned all this time.

"It still feels a bit weird without him, even after basically two years."

“It didn’t seem right without him, at first."

"It took us a bit to get used to it, and still...I think I didn’t get used to it fully to this day."

"Neither am I, John. I don't think I ever will. Time will make the pain less...painful, but it’ll never erase him, he'll be in our thoughts from the moment we wake up."

"I wish it was all a dream. I hate to wake up and not see him. He annoyed me sometimes but...he was my friend."

"He was annoying but a good friend, yeah.” I said, “It’s just...not right. Nothing is right. I feel like everything has gone cold. I swear that I haven't seen a single ray of sunshine."

"It's probably time fooling around, I don't know." He said.

"It could but, when he was there, there would be some sunny-ish days. I haven't seen one since. He left, and it's like he took the sun with him, John. The whole world is falling apart.”

"I felt that too, for a moment. But, I don't really trust whatever I think about these days. I don't pay much attention to whatever I do."

"You should be careful though, I don't need you to die because you didn't pay attention out there. And before you say anything, there's no joke in there. I mean it, Watson.”

"I wasn't going to say that, trust me."

"You better. I need you there."

"Same goes for me. You've been of great help since…"

"Yeah. Since." I paused. "It sucks."

"It does.” He agreed. “Well I...I’m gonna go back to sleep, I don’t want to bother you all night.”

“You didn’t bother me, don’t worry. It helped to talk. I could even stay a bit more, if you’re not planning on going back now.”

“Alright, then.”

It’s like the weather watched me plan the day, rain is on time. It couldn’t be more depressing on top of me dressed in black, but I just didn’t feel like coming in rainbow clothes would be appropriate, even if he wouldn’t care how I dressed anyway, even if he’s dead, yeah.

It feels weird to go, I always expected this was all a dream, or that it’d just...never happen. He’s the kind of person that outlives everyone, and Sherlock was this kind of person, he’s always been that person. He even used to say he’ll always be there, that he’d never leave, and now I guess we’ve both made mistakes, he’s not here anymore.

I never thought that would happen, I can’t tell how bad I prayed to whatever god to wake up, but that did nothing but make me a fool, nothing changed.

His apartment remained empty, as ours, he’d consider each house he could sleep at, his. I remember that he stayed at John’s for a week, before having to go back as John was “not entertaining” enough because he slept too much- As if we got to sleep all day.

He used to think everyone was like him, barely sleeping, barely tired, because I don’t think I’ve had the opportunity of seeing him elsewhere other than a room full of piles of papers.

He did sleep, but not at night, it was kind of like a cat, throughout the day, when possible. I always laughed about it along with John, and he never minded, he’d either pretend to not care, or join the conversation, and I already miss this kind of talks.

They’d either be incredibly short, or extremely long, you really had to clear your schedule for an hour or two when he’d talk. It’s not that it bothered me, it was more the others, those who didn’t know him. They’ve always found an amount of weirdness in him, which I had when I was like them, a stranger.

I never thought we’d get close, I didn’t even think anyone was close with him, he seemed quite the lonely guy, very private. Even after getting to know him, he remained quite private, as I thought, he wouldn’t share much, even with John and Mycroft; but, it didn’t matter that much, we still managed to have a great friendship, and I’ll always miss it.

Not any person will be like him, he was one of a kind. Not anyone could copy him without being seen as a fool. Sherlock Holmes was unique, he didn’t copy anyone to rise up, didn’t take anyone as a model, he did it all himself, he was a model himself.

He didn’t wish to be like anyone, it was the contrary, everyone wanted to be at his level, have the recognition he had, the fame, all the things that made him known, that made Sherlock be him. Even I won’t find a mentor like him, not any of them will be better, they’ll all seem ridiculous to me, even if they have more experience than him.

Nothing will be the same. This world won’t be the same without him being here, he’s gone now.

He took a big piece of whatever thing, when he left, and whatever thing he took was a big one, because it left us all empty. The kind of empty feeling that won’t quite go away, we’ve all been so used to having him around so much that it was a habit.

And now that he’s gone, nothing feels right, even living doesn’t feel right. It won’t ever feel right without him.

I almost feel guilty for being alive, I’m not as smart as him, I won’t contribute to anything. He was the smart one, we really lost an important person and I don’t think it wouldn’t have changed much if I had died instead, people would just be sad, I think.

It wouldn’t be that bad.

His death is bad to the point that the world he left behind can’t function as well as when he was alive. The whole puzzle is missing, hell, the whole world, if I go out of the metaphor.

...Sherlock would have been the corners of it, the foundations of it, what made it whole, what gave a start to get the rest of the puzzle.

He would have corrected me with hundreds of better metaphors if he could hear me, I really suck at this. He never did, though.

In fact, most of his talking contained metaphors, it was his signature, his day couldn’t feel right if he wouldn’t tell at least one.Now the whole ‘no day without a metaphor is a bad day’ is falling on us, and nothing or no one will make that feeling go away.

It’s strange, and funny that he managed to create all of those special feelings, memories, that we only felt with him. Sherlock’s had quite the special part in our lives. He changed our lives in such a spectacular way, and to be honest, life felt less depressing, even if our job is full of dead people and mysteries that make our sleep schedule non-existent, quite rare.

He made us forget all of that shit, whenever he could. That’s why I looked up to him, and thought about him so much. Whenever I had a problem, I’d call him first. Of course, I did call John, and Mycroft, but Sherlock was like my emergency contact, he’d always pick up, if possible.

Somehow, he always knew the answers to everything, and when he was clueless (which only happened twice, in five years)- he'd attempt to find something close to it, and even if his explanations didn’t solve anything, I didn’t care.

It probably made him sort of happy to explain it, share his big knowledge, so as long as he enjoyed himself, that was enough. I did hope he did enjoy himself, I never thought about asking and now that I think about it, I probably should have, it’s too late now.

If he can hear me, a sign would be great, probably. A good thing if he enjoyed talking, and a bad one if I annoyed him? It’d be nice to know even if he probably won’t answer, he must still be working; I know it.

He would be bored if he didn’t have his face in newspapers and whatever case. I always said Sherlock not to overwork, but he never listened. I hope he’s not doing it right now, that man was a total workaholic, right to his last breath, he never stopped.

I just hope he’s okay, wherever he is.

He deserves peace, enough things happened to him, he almost died a couple times, almost lost us if we hadn’t survived all of the wounds and things that happened, almost lost himself because of depression- all of these could have killed him.

He would have stayed alive, but he would have died inside, I just know it even if he didn’t show it much. But he did feel, he did have feelings.

I know he liked us a lot, even though he didn’t show it much; he did enjoy living even with all of the problems he had so, let’s hope he’s not in pain, stressing, suffering, whatever feeling that makes him feel bad.

You can take it easy now, we’re taking care of what you couldn’t finish for you, we’re taking care of the legacy you couldn’t pursue for you, we’ve got your back, Holmes. John, Mycroft, myself, and whatever person you know will tell you everything that happens so you don’t miss anything. You’ll be able to debate about the events, you won’t miss a single thing of what’s happening.

Even if I have my pride, and don’t want to admit I’m depressed about you being dead, I’ll tell you everything, I know you’d be here to tell me how to deal with the death of a person, the whole five stages of grief. You said them to me so much that I always have them in my head.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I’d say that I’m at the last phase, but a lot of anger comes in it. I still wish it had been me, sometimes. It’s not fair it happened to Sherlock. I just hope he’s not too mad. If it had been someone else, he’d probably try to talk some sense into me, get me to tell more logical things.

If ghosts were real, I know he’d tell me to stop putting the blame on myself, even if I don’t even know why I blame myself, we don’t even know what caused him to jump from a damn building. And even if someone explains it, we won’t know if it’s real no matter how much they’ll prove it’s the truth.

The only person that can tell us that is gone.

So, unless we don’t find...a diary, or a note, proving it all, we won’t know.

The last thing we’ve heard from him was an apology, the ‘note’ he left behind was the call John received, which means the presumed note I mentioned doesn’t exist, only the call does.

After leaving his note, he fell from the roof and he died on impact, his pulse was long gone when he reached the floor, and it didn’t come back. I didn’t believe all of it happened, even when I heard John telling it, none of it seemed true...until I saw the death certificate.

The whole world stopped, and it still is frozen now. I wish the grave I’m standing in front of wasn’t real, I wish that my eyes were betraying me.

If only.

“Turns out you lied, Sherlock. You left.”

I hate you for what you did.

“You could have explained all of this a bit more. Even if I would have preferred not to, I would have prevented you from dying if you gave me a note...before.”

I wish I had known, I should have known. He didn’t have to die, he wasn’t supposed to die, certainly not like that.

Not now, that wasn’t his time. He was supposed to die of old age because of natural reasons, after all of us. Outlive us all.

Damn Sherlock Holmes wasn’t supposed to die at 35 years old. It's too young, too soon, Too much to bear.

“What am I supposed to do now, I mean- what are we all supposed to do? None of us can replace you, we’ll take twice the amount of time you barely took to resolve cases on our own, you left us in a really bad situation, you know that? It’s not going to be the same if you’re not here with us.”

And I miss you like a little kid.

“You could have made us take classes to become a close version of you, at least. I’m saying ‘close’ because no one will ever be like you. Not even that detective that had 30 years of experience, he wasn’t even close, really. I’d say he looked like a newbie, next to you.”

I even started to lose the habit of calling him when he’s not directly on the field and I hate this. I’ve only known him for a couple of years, and yet, he’s going to be ironed in my mind for a lifetime.

That man, I swear.

He didn’t think that sticking so close to us, getting to know us, sharing things about him would affect us so badly now that he’s gone. Real gone.

It hurts to say that, I wish I could just pretend he wasn’t gone, but that’s not really...healthy? It’s not really healthy in the way that if I pretend he’s still there- while he’s six feet under ground would drive me crazy, it’d completely destroy the whole ‘acceptance phase’ I’ve been working on. He’s dead, and there’s nothing we can do to bring him back.

That’s what my brain has to acknowledge, pretending he’s alive wouldn’t do any good.

Sometimes life gets to an end, and we have to accept that. I know that Sherlock, his brother and even John wouldn’t want to see me like this- ignoring reality, building a fake world to protect me from the real one.

Hurting sucks. Getting reminded that I won’t be seeing him anymore sucks, but everything sucks in life, and that’s what happens when you live. You can’t have a perfect happy life with all the shitty problems, that doesn’t exist.

But even if this sucks, I also get to remember all of the great things Sherlock has accomplished, the hundreds of memories we’ve made all together, whatever makes me happy- but there’s still a lot of hurt to go through before being able to think about them without crying because I miss them.

I wish that could be happening right now, I must have filled an entire bottle of water with all my tears. It’s even worse when that happens at 2am after you wake up from a dream about them.

Speaking of dreams, I don’t think I’ve ever had so many dreams with him compared to when he was alive. It’s as if he's haunting me, and even if I like him, I’d wish he wouldn’t do that so often, a little peace and quiet would be nice, even if I don’t want that to stop.

I’m afraid I’ll forget Sherlock if I stop thinking about him, block the memories to prevent me from the hurt that comes with it. I don’t want that to happen, he doesn’t deserve to have his legacy ignored because of my stupid feelings that hurt, he deserves to have his legacy remembered, discussed about, shared, not to have it trapped in newspapers, or in a corner of my head.

I like to imagine him being proud when I do that, even if I wouldn’t have known he was. He wasn’t the expressive kind, but he liked to show he was proud of you through a facial expression, a word, whatever could be ‘decrypted’. He wasn’t as cold as people saw him, he was extremely kind, even if he was broken in millions of pieces inside.

But yet, he overcame everything and came back even stronger. Every single time. He was amazing in so many ways, and that’s why I wish I could be like him.

So much.

I sighed, adjusting the grip I had on my umbrella, as I squatted down in front of his grave. “Did you know we went through your closet yesterday? There’s really not a lot, your clothes are so...similar. We can easily buy the same to be ‘like you’. But I don’t want to touch them, they’re kind of like precious pieces you can find in a museum.”

I hope he doesn’t think I’m crazy because of that.

“And...yeah, we went through your place because we can’t bring ourselves to sell it, I don’t want someone else to live in there and ruin it with their own belongings. But at the same time, living in it would be weird, I don’t know. I can’t find an explanation, just that it’s weird, living in the apartment of a dead person. Kinda creepy.” I explained, looking up from my umbrella as I realized the rain had gone down, letting a few rays of a ‘somehow’ sun. “Look, the sun listened to me. It’s coming up so I can give my emotional speech full of hope.” I sighed. “I don’t...I don’t even know what to say anymore. Kind of ironic as I always have something to say.”

I actually kind of know, but I don’t want to say it.

He’s gone. No miracle will bring him back, but I’ve kept hearing John saying it, I heard him last time we came; and even though I can’t bring myself to say that, I want to so badly. That’s all I’ve been wanting to happen since you died, I don’t want anything else and I don’t care about love anymore even if you always wanted me to be happy.

You’re what made me happy, you were the definition of love. Maybe what I’ve been feeling was that but I never brought myself to admit it.

I have loved you since the first day, but you always said that whoever fell in love with you should find better as you considered yourself a forever loner, unable to feel and give love, but I know you were capable of it, if you had tried, I believed you could have done it.

“Look at me, in front of your grave, exposing the feelings I’ll never have the answer to, I don’t even know if you liked me back. You really took all your secrets to your grave, huh? What a selfish prick, you could’ve shared that, at least.” I complained.

I don’t think I’ve ever known someone that hid so much stuff, he really was a whole mystery to himself, that man.

We can’t even solve what caused you to commit suicide, we’ll probably never solve it. You were the only one that knew why, and yet he can’t just pull a miracle and live again for a few minutes as a zombie to explain. That would be of great help, even if I’d prefer he’d live again.

That’d be an awesome miracle, even better than what happens at Christmas.

“Can you do that for me, though?”

Just that, I won’t ask for anything else.

“Just one more miracle, Sherlock, for us.” I said, putting my hand on the polished surface. “...don't be dead.”

It’s too easy, you can’t be dead, Nothing can kill you. I know John, and a shit ton of people saw you fall, but...let me believe all of that isn’t true.

Just a fake accident, Do that for us. Please. We need you more than you can ever imagine, you were so important to us, you were family.

A reason to fight for, to live for.

“Don’t be, please.” I pleaded, as I got up from the ground. “I uh...I’ll be back whenever I can, okay? Work’s been crazy since you’re gone, it’s incredible. I don’t know if it’s because we don’t have your help, or because it’s always been like that.”

Probably a mix of the two, I don’t really know, it’s been complicated to think properly these days. Sherlock would be the one to help with that, usually.

“I’ll have to ask someone else, I guess.”

I still haven’t found this ‘someone else’, by the way, It’s been two years, I know. But I still haven’t found someone that can help me the way he used to.

He still remains unique after all this time.

“I’ll be on my way, then. You’re awfully quiet today, guess you’re not in the mood, so I’ll go.”

I wish I still didn’t have to say goodbye, but this is the only thing I can say when I leave.

The weather had even gotten better, as if it only rained to have a full dramatic effect, there was only wind, which didn’t seem to announce a storm, for now. The sound of the leaves being crushed by my feet as I walked was to be heard, as no other sounds were around, it was very quiet today.

The silence did feel weird, I never liked it.

Not when it caused me to think of…

“Got time to spare for me?”

...him.

“Sherlock.”

|Chapter Two|

#sherlock holmes x reader #sherlock fic #sherlock holmes #bbc sherlock #sherlock #lexies sherlock #sherlock holmes fanfiction

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sery-chan-13 · 3 years

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No Way

Chapter 5 to '100 Promises'

Chapter 4 | Chapter 6

Enjoy :)

"I am not wearing a bikini!" You shouted. "Well, just your luck, it's the only one left in your size, so unless you want to get shot, wear it," Niragi threatened, throwing it at you. You caught it with a huff, and sent a glare his way. He only sighed and rolled his eyes.

It was a simple, white, high waisted one. Nothing fancy, it was simple and you wouldn't stick out. You started getting undressed, and he laid back on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, even though it's nothing he hadn't seen before. I mean, come on your two had lived together during and after college. As well as the multiple sleepovers in highschool. And the times you had to change quickly because of events... The point is, he's seen it before. You know, before he 'disappeared'. "So, anything new back in the old world?" He asked. You thought for a second.

"Well, I got the tattoo I told you about, the game you were working on before never got finished as you're one of their key programmers, your mom wanted to go through and delete things of your computer I stopped her don't worry, Mrs. Aiko got a new dog, our landlord is a bitch wich didn't change, just thought I'd give you an update, the coffee shop we went to gave me free coffee for a week because you 'died', I started playing Bendy and The Ink Machine like you told me to, and after you 'died' I got a goldfish- OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT MY GOLDFISH!" You panicked. You had the bottom of the swimsuit on, and we're panicking. He looked towards you. "Finish getting dressed damn woman. Oh, and nice piercings, didn't know you had those," he said nonchalantly, nodding his head towards them. "Oh.. yeah I guess. Hurt like a bitch- stop distracting me from the fact that my son is going to die!" You went back to panicking as you put the top on. "Ok, ok, calm down. What's the fish's name?" He asked trying to distract you. ''His name is Tommy, and-and I got him when t-they pronounced you dead... I didn't wanna be alone," you answered back, stuttering over your words, the panicky feeling being a bit overwhelming for you. You finished getting dressed, picking up the clothes you had been wearing. He had seen that you were wearing one of his old hoodies, but said nothing, seeing as technically, back in the old world, he was dead. He didn't understand why you were so distressed over goldfish, but took 3 other human's lives only a few hours ago.

"Tommy?" He questioned. You nodded your head. "And our apartment was so quiet after you disappeared. I really thought you had died," you whispered. 'I hate that she's making me feel things... She can't get hurt because of me. Then I'll be alone again.'

"I'm sure he'll be fine. Why did you name him Tommy?" He asked, watching as you put on the hoodie you had been wearing. "Just because. I thought it was a cute name for a goldfish," you answered, calming down a bit. (Or, if you want, there's other reasons like let's say a certain... gamer? Mhm, that's what I thought. Simp.) You sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the sleeves of the hoodie you had in your lap "Also. If I'm not mistaken, that's my hoodie," he said, a smirk on his face. You looked down. "Yeah... it is. And what?" You answered back. "You can keep it," he said, going back to whatever he was doing. You sighed heavily, laying back on his bed. The second you did, your whole body felt the pain of the whole day. You cursed under you breath. "If I fall asleep, you are free to push me off the bed," you stated, laughing a bit. "You said you wouldn't bring that up," he huffed. "I lied~" you giggled. He could tell you were sleepy, but it didn't matter to him.

You two were over at his house, sitting at the kitchen counter. It was a few weeks after his mother had apologized for the things she had done, and life was peaceful for him when his dad wasn't home, which was a lot of time. His dad was out everyday at work and didn't come home till late. The other time his life wasnt peaceful was at school, where bullies tormented the both of you. "There's this new cafe we could go to?'' You suggested, looking at him. He had bags under his eyes, and was basically falling asleep on the chair. "Are you ok?" You asked, placing a hand on his forehead, checking for fever. He didn't seem to have one. "Fine... I'm fine, just tired," he muttered, pushing up his glasses. "Did you stay up playing that game?" You asked, pouting a bit. "No. I've been studying for a really big test coming up. I'm fine," he explained, yawning right after. "Come on, you need to go take a nap," you said, grabbing his hand and dragging him up to his room. "No I don't, I invited you over, it's rude of me to not spend time with you," he said, holding onto your hand, trying to pull you away from his room. "I don't care. You're tired, take a nap, I'll be right here when you wake up," you stated, pushing him onto his bed. He sighed, mumbling a thank you before falling asleep. You went to leave, but noticed his hand was still holding yours. You pouted, trying to get his hand off so you could sit on a chair in his room. "(N/N)... stay," he mumbled in his sleep.

You looked down at him, and smiled. You sat on the edge of the bed, and ran your hands through his hair, humming a song you'd heard. (I'd be humming Isabela's lullaby-) He had definitely fallen asleep a while ago, but you thought it would help. "You're an idiot sometimes, you know that?" You whispered. You knew he couldn't hear you, but a part of you said it would help him sleep. You took off his glasses, placing them on the nightstand besides his bed. You curled up besides him, hugging his face into you chest. To you, at that age, and with who it was, you didn't see a problem. . "I wonder what test you were studying for... I don't remember you mentioning a test before," you whispered, still playing with his hair. "Completely unrelated, but your hair is super soft," you muttered. You felt yourself drifting off to sleep.

You smiled, remembering that day. "You can go to sleep. I don't care. I won't be here in the morning though, I have patrols and stuff," he said, seeing you falling asleep. You hummed, and slid off the bed, and down to the floor. "What are you doing?" He asked, watching you curiously. "Going to sleep," you murmured, a yawn escaping your mouth. "On the floor?" He questioned. He heard you give a noise of confirmation. "Ok, but you can't complain about your back hurting tomorrow," he stated. "Mhm..." you muttered, sleep taking over your body.

It was early morning when you woke up. You sat up, rubbing the tired out of your eyes. You looked around, and stretched. Niragi wasn't in there and you sighed. Remembering what Niragi had said about patrols, you just decided to stay in his room. Not like you knew where anything was. Then there was a knock a the door. "Coming," you said, loud enough so they could hear. You got up from the floor, and walked over to the door, opening it. You looked down, seeing Chishiya. "I really don't like that you have to look down at me to talk to me," he muttered. "Get used to it, I'm 6'2 l, taller than Gi-Gi and... much taller than you," you stated with a grin. He looked up and smirked. "Gi-gi? Is that one of your nicknames for him?" He asked. You nodded. "You're not allowed to call him that though. That's my thing, got it? I'm the only annoying bitch he's allowed to have in his life," you joked. "Oh, I'm sure you'll be the only girl in his life," he whispered to himself. "Did you need something Chishiya?" You asked. "Well, yes and no. I was wondering if you would like me to show you around?" He asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. You thought for a second, before nodding your head. "Alright, let's go."

He lead you throughout the different rooms. As he was an executive, he had access to more rooms, but he couldn't go into an area with weapons or the underground. The hotel was quite large, your favorite part being the grand staircases and intricate pieces of decoration around certain places, as well as the columns "And my least favorite place is there. It's basically a club. People dancing, blaring music 24/7, people in general.... They all act so happy. It's weird," he shuddered, shaking his head. You laughed. He looked at you strangely. "Is there something wrong?" You asked. "Oh... no, I like your laugh. It's... endearing," he said, tilting his head down so his hair hid his face. You smiled, thanking him for the complement.

Little did you know, someone was watching from afar.

Later into the night, you heard a loud horn blaring. You had been out at the pool area with Chishiya, and a girl who's name you learned to be Kuina. She was a firecracker of a person, and you enjoyed it. She was fun, and you'd only known her for a few hours. "That's the alarm for the games. We all meet in the main hall, collect the papers, and go to the car with our number. You just need to follow Ann and Aguni, as they will assess you today, ok?" Chishiya explained. You nodded. A part of you was nervous because other people were going to be watching you do your thing, but another part of you was excited. Excited for the games. A part of you had enjoyed the thrill of risking your life in the last game. You were also extremely bored. You hadn't seen Niragi all day, and you knew you probably wouldn't see him till late at night. So, a full day of talking and walking around with Chishiya, and also later on, Kuina. Not that you minded their company, but you needed something to do. Something to give you that rush of excitement. Of being alive. Back in the real world, people saw you as fragile and weak. You were held back from excitement in your life because of your father, and when your mother came back into the picture, she became another anchor to your life.

Ann had found you in the swarming crowd of people, and grabbed your wrist. "This way," she said. You nodded, letting her lead you. There was a car with at least 6 other people in there. You guessed that they didn't exactly have to use normal road laws, so it didn't matter. Aguni and Ann sat in front, and you took your spot in the back. The ride to the arena was quiet. You could hear a few other engines, and maybe some shouting here and there. The games arena wasn't as far away as you thought. There were a few other people there, none wearing the wristbands from the beach. You went up and grabbed a phone, letting it do it's face recognition.

'8 players registered. 2 minutes to registration closing'

You stared at the phone, and back at the table where they were. There was 3 more phones left. You then saw three people come into the game arena. They picked up their phone with a sigh.

"Ann? Have you ever noticed that there's always enough phones for all the players?" You asked, looking at the woman. "Hm? What do you mean?" She questioned, crossing her arms. "Well, before those three came in, there was exactly three phones left. Meaning that there was enough phones for all the players. Same thing with my game from yesterday. There was 7 phones for 7 players. So, the game master hads an idea of who and where they're going. Have you ever noticed that?" You repeated, explaining in a bit more detail. She looked at you shocked. "... No, I can't say I have. Thank you," she stated. 'This is only her second game? And she's noticed something that we haven't in that little time? She'd be a great executive with a mind like hers. But, she'd also be a great milital with the capacity to think like that. Maybe with her, we won't have to worry about Niragi going rogue. I have a feeling he wouldn't dare hurt her.'

You nodded your head with a smile. "Oh... another thing, I apologize for bothering you again, but um... Did you see Niragi at all today? He told me about patrols, but I don't know," you asked. You were embarrassed to say the least, but you really wanted to know. "Since both Chishiya and Niragi suggested that you join the militals, we can't have them helping you. Niragi was off doing who knows what. He's always around somewhere," she explained. You nodded.

'Registration Closed. Game: Pick Your Poison. Difficulty 7 of diamonds. Rules: You must pick which plant is not poisonous to humans. There are cures to each poison, but you must know how to make it. Time Limit: 2 hours. Clear Condition: If players can't pick out the non poisonous plant in the time limit, venomous snakes will be released into the arena, and all doors leading out will be locked until all remaining contestants die. Game will commence in 5 minutes.'

You looked down at your phone. "What an interesting game this shall be," you said with a smile, walking off to where the arrows were pointing. "If you are unaware, the different suits represent what kind of game it will be. The number is the difficulty," Aguni said from besides you. You nodded, taking in his words. "Diamonds are a game of wit and intelligence, hearts are games of betrayal, spades are games of physical endurance, and clubs are games of teams," Ann added. "Thank you," you said, bowing towards them.

You reached the room, seeing it was more of a lab than anything. There were tables filled with different kinds of plants. Some looked like berries, others looked like normal vegetation.

'Game Start'

You sighed, walking over to a table, noticing some that looked almost like blueberries. "Those are blueberries right? Which means that one is the clear choice. Too easy," a guy snickered, picking one up and popping it into his mouth. You took notice of the shape of the leaves, and the coloring being different than most blueberries, as well as a few other key characteristics. Then it hit you. "Don't! You idiot... that's Atropa belladonna. Or, as you may know it, deadly nightshade," you scolded. He spat it out immediately. You knew it would do him not good as he had already chewed on it, and swallowed what he had crushed. He would die.

"You have knoledge of plants?" Ann asked. "Sort of... I got really into crime cases and stuff, so different kinds of poisons stuck with me. It's also what I studied in college. A major in forensics, and a minor in psychology," you explained sheepishly. A small smile made its way to her face. "Alright. Well, show us what you got."

There were ten minutes to go. You only had 2 plants left. One looked like a string of grapes, and the other like blackberries. Only 2 people had died, and that was because of their own idiocy. The one who had eaten the deadly nightshade, and another who'd eaten holly berries. She'd also trusted a girl, which is why she ate the berries in the first place. Basically trust and idiocy. Same thing, no? "So which one is it wise girl? We have ten minutes pick already," a guy angrily said. "Shut up, I'm trying to think," you stated, looking carefully. He huffed. "You're just a dumb girl. You've probably only been guessing and you're going to get us killed," he stated. You growled, picking up one of the deadly nightshade berries. You waited till he opened his mouth again, and threw it. It fell in his mouth, and he began choking, clawing at his throat. "Just guessing huh? Well, I'm guessing you're going to die," you taunted going back to look at the berries in front of you, ignoring the wheasing sounds behind you. "These aren't poisonous. They're mulberries. Blackberries have zero to none poisonous look alikes. Those, however are pokeweed," you stated, grabbing one of the blackberry look alikes. "I'll eat it, so if I'm wrong no one else suffers the consequence,'' you said, placing it in your mouth.

'Game Complete. Congratulations.'

The chiming voice startled you. You smiled once you realized what you'd done. "Well done. I'll report this to Hatter, and he'll decide what to do with you," Aguni said. You nodded. "Y-you killed him," a girl stuttered besides you. You turned to face her.

"H-he was my brother. You killed him!" She shouted. "Sounds like a you problem," you said. Aguni and Ann had already left the room. "You're heartless... you can't get away with this!" She screamed. "Listen here you self righteous little brat. If I remember correctly, you told one of the other players to eat the berry for you because you were scared you picked wrong. She took pitty, and did it. And she died. So you also killed someone. You also didn't help him when he was choking, so you have just as much blame. Maybe you wanted him dead? Oh, and another thing, who's going to stop me from doing anything? No one. There are no rules here. Murder, arson, fraud... everything's legal here. Back in the old world, we didn't do it because of other's moral compasses. We were scared of judgement. But here? Who's judgement are we scared of?" You said, glaring at her. "Plus, your brother seemed like a level 100 douche bag. If anything, I did you a favor. Good luck out there. You're going to need it," you said, walking out of the room.

"Sorry I took so long... She was so whiny," you apologized, muttering about the girl. They just shrugged as the drive back began.

"Oi, stay the hell away from her," Niragi threatened. Chishiya only laughed. "Why? She's just your friend, no? If I want to talk to her, I can. If I want to hang out with her, I can. If I wanted to get a little overzealous and do more... I can. And if I want to, I will," Chishiya smirked. "And trust me... I will."

Ahahahahahahaha, don't worry, it stays a Niragi×Reader, I just want drama :)

#niragi × reader #chishiya #alice in borderland #Niragi Suguru #×Reader

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jumoonjae · 3 years

Text

Feelings

Pairings: Reader x Hyunjae x Q

Genre: Angst x Fluff

Warnings: None

Summary: A story of a love triangle (not really)

Having a guy as your best friend can really be tricky sometimes because when you're both single, you spent almost every time together and you somehow unconsciously developing feeling for him. It get worst when you enrolled to the same college right after high school. It was okay at the first two or three semester, you had each other by your side through thick and thin, knowing more every little thing about each other just like the back of your hand which resulting you to fell harder for him. Your biggest mistake was you were sure he'll never slip off from your finger.

But he did.

And you let him.

You felt the painful prick inside in every flesh of your heart just by the sight of his beautiful glimmering eyes every single time she walks by. You swallowed the pain that is in the form of a thorn and pretend you're not affected by it at all, and you thanked heaven for blessing you with the art of hiding your true feeling for him. You even encourage him to make a move on her just to make you facade more believable.

What a fool.

Because it was the only way for you to keep him as your best friend at least, just to keep him close to you even if he doesn't like you the way you like him. But how wrong you are.

He made a move to talk to her and she seems to be interested too. But then again who doesn't, Changmin is one of the most talented and charming person in the campus, everyone loves him even the lecturer. In no time, they were together, they were lover and you had to watch every single day he hold her like the way you always crave for, the affection, the looks and the kiss. But you smiled anyway, each time you met his eyes, or hers. She became your friend too, you couldn't hate her at all.

“I’m fine.” You lied one day when he hesitated to run straight to her or stay with you by the time she came into the view at the cafeteria.

“Go ahead spend time with your girlfriend.” You said nudging him with a smile.

“I’ll call you tonight.” He ruffles your hair with an apologetic frown which you shake your head to and he run to her while she waved at you so innocently and you waved back with the sincerest smile you could pull even when your heart dropped down to your stomach leaving it's place painfully empty.

He didn't call that night. Or texted. The frequent chatting and long conversation between you two started to die down until he barely contact you anymore. You missed him, but there's nothing you could do to have him back. There is nothing you can do.

Each day he spend his free time with her and barely had any time with you anymore. but you didn't want him to feel bad so you started to hang out with other people even if its never the same like when you're with him, it will never be the same. but you need to accept the fact that you couldn't keep him for yourself anymore, you want him to be happy even if its not with you, even if his happiness breaks your heart.

You need to let go because all those late night conversation that you both been sharing, all his problems that you can't fix for him, all his inner battle that never seems to settled. You think maybe she could help to put it to ease because you know you can't. if you could, you wouldn't have heard the same ranting every night. So you keep your distance with him just so you wont break his relationship, so you wont take away their happiness.

“That’s nice.” You heard someone spoke from your back as you done putting up the pictures you took as told by your mentor at the bulletin board where all the art student displayed their work. You look back and saw a tall guy admiring your work and you step back a little to stand next doing the same thing. It was the picture you took at the Han river during your night walk alone.

“Is this yours?” he asked pointing to the picture glancing at you then back to it.

“yeah.” You answered simply, looking at the still picture of the city lights taken by the bridge with blurry passer by.

“It feels so lonely, but peaceful at the same time.” He spoke and you smiled looking down, it was true what he said, you felt so lonely but is somehow made you feel calm that you thought maybe letting him go was the right thing. He's never been yours from the start.

“I'm Hyunjae by the way.” He held out his hand and you look up to his face which had the sweetest smile on that made you smile back and took his hand.

“I’m Y/N.”

Hyunjae took no time to be your friend, he was easy to talk to and you love his company. Slowly, you manage to bury your feeling for Changmin deeper day by day and Hyunjae did so much to replace him. Somehow he did it, he didn't have anything in common with Changmin but you like the challenge of knowing him anyway, it was always new thing every day, a pleasant surprise.

“Y/N.” Hyunjae chirped startling you in the process and he laugh at the way you flustered making you hit his shoulder lightly.

“What are you doing?” He asked taking a seat next to you at the cafeteria.

“Nothing, just editing these.” You pull the side of your laptop a little to show him your work and he lean over to take a closer look.

“You really are a talented photographer.” He complimented making you pushed his shoulder bashfully.

“hey i was wondering.” He leaned back to his seat pondering with his words, looking down to his hands while you paid full attention to him.

“I've got ticket for next week music festival.”

“Really? I didn't manage to get mine though, they've sold out weeks ago.” You frowned

“I got two ticket you know. So.. maybe.. you want to come with me?” you laughed at the way he adorably dragging his words and he grinned sheepishly.

“I’d love to.” You smiled and he did too staring into your eyes for a while before looking away bashfully. He had completely filled the void and help you put back you heart into its place, ready to love again. But you wait. You wait for it to heal perfectly so you can love Hyunjae with all of it without having Changmin ever crossing your mind anymore.

“You’re going with who?”

Changmin voice raised a little when you told him you're going to the music festival with Hyunjae. Its been a while since you both get to spend time with each other, you were finally feeling genuinely fine by it now that you have Hyunjae by your side. Its already the music festival week and Changmin probably didn’t want you to feel left out so he ask you to come along with his girlfriend. But when you said you already have a date, he was a little mad making you wondering, giving the sparks of feeling for him that you buried deep down a light. A dim light, but enough for it to slowly crawling back to the surface, but you ignore it.

“Why?” You asked, still walking a step ahead from him to the cafeteria.

“Since when do you became close with him?”

“Just recently, wait. It think its been two months.” You shrugged and he exhaled.

“Do you like him?” He asked suddenly making you stop on your track stepping a little to the side before turning back to look at him questioningly. You were actually asking him mentally ‘Are you jealous?’ but another word came out instead.

“He's a nice guy and what's wrong with that?”

“Be honest, you hang out with him just because i started dating aren't you?” you were taken aback a little by his words. It was true at first, you were hanging out with Hyunjae so you didn't feel empty anymore. But when time passed, he's been growing so much in you and you're started to fall for him.

“What? No Ji Changmin, as far as I could remember I have the right to date anyone I want my friend.”

“What?” He raised his voice again and you hissed at him playfully rolling your eyes.

“Hey.” You heard Hyunjae from the back snaking his hands around your waist pulling you close to him until your back touches his front and you look up to him instantly with a big smile.

“Hey you.” You coos ignoring Changmin who was crossing his arms on his chest in annoyance by the sight of Hyunjae hands casually touch you.

“I’ll pick you up tonight at eight okay.” He smiled sweetly making the butterflies inside you to rise full with pride.

“Alright I see you tonight.” You touch his shoulder trailing your hand down to his chest as he peck your cheek before letting him run to his friends. You look back to Changmin who was raising his eyebrow.

“What?” you chuckle continue walking to the cafeteria.

“I don't like him.” He stated

“that’s not nice Changmin, you barely know the guy.”

“its just been two month and he already being touchy with you and you let him kiss you.”

“It just a peck Changmin. Stop being over protective.” You shake your head trying to laugh him off.

“And besides, two month is enough even for us to sleep together.” You shrugged making his eyes widen in pure shock at your words.

“You what?!”

“I was just kidding you idiot.”

It has been full three month since Hyunjae first talked to you and you decided to confess to him. Your feeling for him was crystal clear and you had no doubt about his feeling for you. He had untie the tight knot that was constantly pulled every time you saw Changmin with his girlfriend until you felt nothing but happy for them.

In those three months, Changmin had slowly fades from you even when he was right in front of you or when they were standing in the same room, the first who catches you attention was no longer Changmin, it was Hyunjae. You were lying if the feeling for him had completely gone, but your feeling for Hyunjae were much more prominent and you were happy

“Are you going to the trip to see the cherry blossom?” Hyunjae asked when you both were having lunch at your usual spot at the cafeteria.

“I think so.” You answered still checking the picture you took leaving your food untouched.

“Yah, enough with the camera.” He whined attempting to take the camera away from your hand but you saw what he was going to do and turn your back on him with a giggle.

“Wait, I need to delete some picture first or else I’m going to forget which one to delete.” You reason out stopping him from taking it away.

“let me see then.” He leaned his chin on your shoulder and you showed it to him one by one.

“No don’t delete that, its beautiful.” He pointed out at the picture of the blurry crowd you took while you both was walking down the Itaewon streets and you looked to your side until your lips almost brushed his cheek, but he backed away just enough to give you space to turn your body.

“Its kind a blurry don't you think?” You showed a few picture with the same scenery until your head bumped into each other when you lean in trying to show him and you both laughed. his hand caressed the spot where his head had bumped.

“You always took a blurry picture and its nice, its your style, or signature.” He said while patting your head and you smile at him, thanking him for his sweet words.

“You want to go with me?” He asked again since you didn’t answer him yet, and you chuckle looking up to him, he was smiling like an angel waiting for you to answer.

“Who else am i going with.” You smiled and he smile back giddily crushing you with his bear hug.

“But why did you sounds like i am the only option? What about your friends?” he asked pulling his body away for a little with a frown.

“If you want me to go with them, then i’ll go with them.” You shrugged making him whined.

“no. I was just asking.” He pulled you back to his hug and you giggled ruffling his hair.

“I’m planning to take my mom’s car so we wont have to rush the bus and trains.” He let you go, pulling your food closer to you gesturing you to start eating and you complied by placing your camera on the table.

“What? Its going to more exciting taking trains and bus with other students don’t you think?” you suggested, imagining you taking picture of people having fun in the train.

“Hadong is a huge place, the last bus going to leave at six. You think its enough time? Besides i want to watch the stars from there, they said the sky is the prettiest there during the night.”

“We can spend the night there and catch the bus next morning.” You suggested making him stop mixing his rice looking at you all flustered.

“What?” you teased bumping your shoulder into his.

“If you okay with it then why not.” He scratch the back of his head nervously and a big smile creep on your face just by the sight of his giddiness. You turn back to your food and ate in silence with him doing the same. He really had been growing so much in you.

Far back from the corner of the cafeteria, there stood Changmin witnessing everything that tug something painful inside of him. He shake the feeling away and walked to the opposite side of your spot sitting with his back facing you and Hyunjae trying so hard to ignore the growing pain inside of him.

The long ride to Hadong was fun just like you imagined, all the students starts singing out of no where using anything as an instrument and you had a good laugh when some of then cracking the most stupid joke. You took some picture here and there and the result came out well. You and Hyunjae took extra clothes just as planned to spend the night and you really excited to see the whole thing.

It was beautiful, the place was filled with pink cherry blossom blooming beautifully and the way the flower flew when the wind blow just like a snow. Cherry blossom snow. It really felt like a movie with you standing under a cherry blossom tree with Hyunjae holding your waist while you taking picture. He will rest his chin on your shoulder everytime you show the result to him. If you had to describe how your feeling for Hyunjae, you will call it a blooming cheery blossoms.

“watch your step, there’s plenty of rocks and pebbles along the way.” He said handing you your twisted potato after helping you settles on the bench not far from where you both were standing.

You both walked until the end of the cherry blossom path where you saw a river and there's a kayak booth which you pull Hyunjae sleeves running a little in excitement, wanting to give it a try with Hyunjae giggling while being dragged by you.

But a voice stopped you from running, it was a familiar voice. You look back to see Changmin and his girlfriend rushing to both of you.

“What in the hell are you doing?” he huffed annoyingly at you not even sparing any look to your boyfriend and you were offended by the way he spoke.

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“you missed the bus.”

“And you're not?” You spat back annoyingly taking a step forward, your eyebrow twitched and he scoffed at your response thickening the tension between both of you.

He was beginning to get into your nerve since you started to date Hyunjae.

“We were there at the bus but he insisted waiting for both of you.” His girlfriend explained and you couldn't help to feel bad for her.

“We were planning to stay the night.” Hyunjae stepped forward pulling you back closer to him and you noticed the frown on Changmin's face when he did that. Was that jealousy? Had he figured that he had feelings for you too? But Hyunjae's grip on your arm pulled you out from that thoughts and you look back to him pressing your lips into a thin line, forming a smile.

“We will take the first bus tomorrow morning.” You said to Changmin's girlfriend trying to assure her by rubbing her arm and she nod with a smile.

“Okay where are you going to crash for tonight?” changmin spat with his annoying tone that really got into your nerve.

“I’ve booked a place for us, but i'm sure they have more place.”

“We should stick together.”

“Fine.”

For the first time in your life, you feel annoyed by Changmin's presence where he constantly interfere any attempted affection that you and Hyunjae trying to make while he trying to show off his own with his girlfriend which end up annoying her too.

“We should stop by the store first.” Hyunjae suggested and you nod while waiting for the bus to the motel.

“I'm tired, can we just go straight to the motel.” Changmin whined and you rolled your eyes shooting him an annoyed look and he just shrugged.

“you two can check in first, they had some place for barbeque at the garden by the hotel and we were planning to have one while watching the stars.” You told his girlfriend and she looked excited.

“So romantic.” she coos and you lean your shoulder to Hyunjae who was smiling at you.

“They said the night sky are the best here.” He throw his hand on your shoulder pulling you closer to him letting you snuggles to his chest.

“You can join us if you want.” he suggested to Changmin and his girlfriend which you shot him a look with a frown.

“What? Its going to be fun and i can get to know your best friend more.” He whispered and you melted at the way how hard he tried to get close to your best friend.

“Thank you.” You caress his hands with your thumb smiling up to him and he smiles back like he always did.

The night went well, but the conversation was mainly between you and Hyunjae while Changmin and his girlfriend seems to fall into silence only talk when being asked. You stop Hyunjae from trying to get close to Changmin by snuggling with him under the blanket where you brought just for the occasion while watching the stars.

You admired him while he was admiring the scattered stars up in the sky, looking at it like he was in love with it just like you're in love with him.

“Y/N can you walk me to my room for a while?” Changmin snaps you away from the most beautiful view and you sighed. He was tipsy from drinking a little too much and you could tell.

“Its okay, I'll clean this up and meet you at the room right after.” Hyunjae said helping you getting up and you nod letting him peck your forehead before leading Changmin into the building.

“Are you going to sleep with him?” Changmin asked suddenly after you both were inside the building.

“Yes.” You answered in a heartbeat even if you don't know whether Hyunjae is having the same idea with you, but you admit it anyway just so Changmin will stop bothering you.

“If i told you not to would you listen to me?” he stop walking making you stop turning your body fully to face him.

“Why?”

“Because I love you.” He said, petrifying you with his words, it was the word you had been waiting for years, a words that you always pray for so he will uttered it to you one day. a word that you’ve been dying to hear.

But that was before, that was you dream before Hyunjae and you were glad that it doesn't affect you like the way you thought it will be.

“I know you love me too. I know you love me since so long and i'm sorry for pretending that i didn't see it.” He took a few step closer to you but you didn't flinch. There were disappointment, but it doesn’t matter to you anymore. you didn’t care why he didn't do anything about it and keep it to himself. but you were curious.

“Why did you date her if you knew?”

“Because i thought i didn't feel the same way.” You exhaled at his answer looking down not knowing what to say or what to do with that information. But then he lift your chin with his index finger and leaned closer to kiss you.

You let him kiss you not knowing there's a pair of eyes that has been witnessing everything. When you kissed Changmin back, he shut his eyes only to see you smile to the kiss the moment he open his eyes. Couldn’t bear the pain in his chest anymore, he walked away from the scene.

“Changmin we had our chance.” You slowly push his body away from you, pulling yourself away from the dizzying kiss. It put your mind into a great mess, that your mind keeps buzzing like a static radio. but when other thing was blurry and hazy, one thing that stood out so clear, just like the picture you always took. it was your feeling for Hyunjae.

“Y/N please.” He took your hand placing it on his chest.

“You had your chance in all those years to confess but you didn't.” You let go of his hands holding your own.

“I'm not blaming you entirely because its my fault too for being a coward. But we had our chance Changmin, and we blew it.”

“and i'm in love with somebody else.”

“i’m in love with Hyunjae.”

“He saw us kissed.”

“No.”

“He just left.”

“You asshole. It was intentional wasn't it?”

“I just had to.”

“Hyunjae.” You called softly after entering the room that you both shared. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down to his hands. Nervousness starting to creep inside you by the sight and the silence from him. You stood there by the door looking down at your feet, hands fidgeting with the rim of your dress.

“You should sleep, we need to catch the first bus in the morning.” He said standing up with blanket on his hands walking to the couch just right next to the bed without looking at you. But you didn’t budge, still looking down like a kid getting scolded by their parents for causing a big trouble.

You bit your lips hard when tears starts to brimmed in your eyes. You didn’t even dare to blink, not wanting the tears to fall.

“I’m tired, can you turn off the light please.” He said and you look up to where he already lay down, covering his body using the blanket, his back facing you. You hold your sniffles and do as told leaving the room in pitch black.

“Hyunjae.” Your voice cracked and you swallow hard to make it easier your you to speak.

“I-I am so-”

“I’m tired Y/N. Please, let me rest. Its been a long day.” He cut your words, but not sharp enough. But it still hurts you. It hurts you because you hurt him and you didn’t even know how to explain.

With the help of the lights peeking through the window, you slowly walked to your bag and take your clean clothes and toiletries.

You turn on the shower letting the warm water run down your skin while you stood there looking into spaces not long before you break down, covering your mouth not wanting to be heard by him. It was the longest you ever cried, longer than the day Changmin asked his girlfriend out. It was even longer than when you bid your goodbye to your parents at the airport.

God, how much you love him, and now you’re losing him.

Hyunjae haven't spoke a word to you since the bus ride back to the city and you didn't dare to speak to him either. The ride was awfully silent and you could hear Changmin and his girlfriend giggled from the back seat. You couldn't help to think that they were mocking you both but you know they weren't. You suddenly feels empty without Hyunjae's constantly touching you like he always did when he's being excited over something or just feeling like touching you, or teasing you. He didn't even whined when you too immersed into the picture you took with your camera. You felt emptier than the time Changmin left you.

You didn't blame him for cutting every connection between you two after breaking up with you over a text and let you fall back to the loneliness. You didn't blame Changmin for not even consoling you after he heard the news of your break up with Hyunjae. You blame yourself for being you, you blame yourself for existing, for hurting people who had no other intention but to love you and you deserve the resentment that you get from him. You blame yourself for not figuring out your feelings for Hyunjae and didn't try hard enough to make him stay.

You were back to zero, alone at the cafeteria watching people and love birds walking around then get back to your pictures on your laptop ignoring the painful void inside of your heart.

You bumped into him the day after the break up, you didn't look away when you both walk past each other at the hall, neither did him. But he seems to had those indifferent look as soon as his eyes laid on you and you try hard not to show too much emotion when he's around. But it was hard, because you always saw him even when you’re not looking.

“Y/N, the portfolio that you emailed me. It was perfect. The four season portfolio.” Your mentor spoke when he saw you just about started to pack your things while your other class mate had already left. Its your routine since the break up, so you wont bumping into Hyunjae because your afternoon class always ends at the same time as his.

“It wasn't complete yet Mr Yoon. I was waiting for your feedback for anything that i should fix or re-edit.” You look up to him slinging your bag on your shoulder.

“I’ll send you my feedback later.” He said and you give him a bow.

“Y/N, I was wondering.” Mr. Yoon voice stopped you from turning on your heels and you look at him. waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“have you been fine these day?” He asked leaning his back on the desk, crossing his arm on his chest.

“Yes. Why do you ask Mr.Yoon?”

“I knew you're running a photography blog for a long time, i have to admit it was wonderful and i even think that some of the photo you posted there should have come in with the portfolio. But you recent photo, they seems lonely.” He stop when you looked down. He must have seen your blog update, but you didn't know that it was obvious. He's your mentor and also one of the psychology professor that taught about behavior, of course he could see it.

“I’m fine Mr.Yoon.” you finally look up to him with a forced smile. “Its just life-” your breath hitched and you swallowed hard trying not to choke on your own words.

“Its just life, those ups and down.” You inhaled looking back down avoiding his gaze.

“Don’t let yourself dwell too long in it Y/N. Its okay to look back sometimes, it hard. Even if our shoes don't fit, we had our own obstacle in life, we have our own way to move on. But i hope you'll cope.” You smile to his words before bowing to him as he bid you goodbye.

You went to Itaewon alone that night taking the path that both of you and Hyunjae had been taking, tracing back all the fond memories that you shared. You even went back to Hadong alone on the weekend doing the same thing you did with him, taking picture of empty spot where it used to be filled by him. It was sad. But you need to cope. Once you had your best friend, then you have Hyunjae. But when they both left, you had nothing. Only their memories. But the most prominent one is Hyunjae's. You want to relive them for the last time before moving on.

Its the hardest every time he saw you smiling and laughing at your friend's joke. He missed that and he still want to be the one who make you laugh. He hate you for being happy right after the break up, did you really moved on that fast? Did you really don't have any feeling for him? Or did you really using him to get back to Changmin?

But there were also time when he saw you sitting alone at the cafeteria, watching people walks by with sad eyes before going back to your laptop or your camera leaving your food untouched and it made his stomach sinks in guilt. The sight take him back to the night where he heard your sniffles echoes inside the bathroom that the sound of the shower couldn’t hide.

You loved someone else and its no point to keep you if your heart is unobtainable from the start.

“Hyung, why did you break up with Y/N?” Juyeon asked when he saw you walk into the cafeteria alone with your hands full with books and headphones on. He didn't want to answer that question. He's been dreading to answer when everyone asked, he's tired of hearing people saying that you both look good together and all.

“We're taking a break.”

Its the only thing he could came up with without humiliating you or him. Its sounds like he was expecting you to come back to him, it was an open answer, it was a message for you maybe one day when you heard what he said regarding your relationship, maybe. Just maybe you change your mind and come back to him.

It was pathetic and he know it, but the romance was short, so short that he wanted more. While he was trying to look away from staring at you, he saw Changmin seated a few table away from where he was and he was expecting Changmin to get up and help you with the pile of books on your hand.

But instead, Changmin didn't even look up from his phone and you didn't even spare him a glance, just walking straight to the far corner of the cafeteria settling your stuff on the table, sitting down and played with your phone without looking around.

“Hyung?” Juyeon snaps him away from staring at you and stammered at the younger guy.

“Get back with her if you want to keep looking at her like that.” He stated and Hyunjae just shrugged him off.

‘Weird' he thought, he swears he saw you kissed Changmin back that night. You even smiled to the kiss, but why are you both giving each other a cold shoulder. Why aren't you both together when Changmin said he loves you and he said you love him too. It hurt him when you didn't even denied it, he hate you for kissing him when you were his girlfriend.

He heard your voice in the art studio after helping a random girl who was carrying too much of a canvas for painting she said. He stood there just like the other day when you were talking to your professor.

“Is it true that everybody dies alone?” You asked, you sounded so weak, the light in your eyes faded by each passing day. At first he thought you were still saddened by the way Changmin still with his girlfriend but when he confront Changmin one day.

“We had our chance but I blew it. She's in love with someone else.” -changmin

But that is all what he get from the guy, Changmin still didn't want to talk to him. He started to think that you love him, not Changmin. But he wasn't really sure either, if your relationships mattered to you, you should have talk him out not ignoring him, so he did the same. Ignoring you even how painful it was knowing the truth that you love him.

“Does that scares you?” Kevin asks taking your attention away from the window where you both propped your chin on your palm on one of the table nearest to the window while sitting down watching the sun sets.

“I don't want to be alone.” You whispered under your breath but it was clear, so clear that it hurts Hyunjae at your words.

“You missed him?”

“I do. So much that it hurts.”

“Why didn't you tell him the truth?”

“He saw me kissed Changmin back. If you're at his place would you listen to me when I try to explain?”

“No.”

“I’ve made myself a fool enough by kissing Changmin back.”

“Why did you kiss him back?”

“You know how I feel about him before. It was a dream to kiss him.” you chuckle while Kevin scoffed at your words.

“But the thing is, when i kissed him, i was thinking about Hyunjae as soon as i closed my eyes.” You smiled.

“Its just that, i finally know that love doesn't feel the same way with each person.”

“What do you mean”

“when i was in love with changmin it felt like home every time im with him. Maybe Its because he provides me one when i move back here during high school, he gave me something to rely on when i had no one, or when my brother was too occupied by his baseball. Then Hyunjae came when there’s a hole in my chest, my heart that once there was gone when Changmin left, Hyunjae starts to fill it again, slowly but in a beautiful way. He made me feel alive again. At first i thought it wasn't love because it felt so different from Changmin’s. But i get it now, love doesn't come with one specific shape or sizes.” You sit straight stretching your limbs leaning back to the chair to ease your back.

“Love is an abstract, you can't see it, you can't feel it but you know its there, you know it exist. it changes through times. Its like painting, you put down whenever comes through your mind freely on the canvas, sometimes it look nice and sometimes it doesn't. people might don't understands what we're trying to convey but it doesn't matter, as long as we knew what is it, what it means to us.” You smiled looking down staring at you clasped cold hand before glancing to your friend next to you and he looked disgusted, making you giggled at his expression.

“You are disgustingly in love. Tell him you idiot.” Kevin throw his head back with a grunt and you laugh him off.

“I don't know Kev, I’m just scared. I'm afraid because what I did was wrong. Its wrong kissing someone else just to figure out who do you love. Its pathetic. Stupid.” You exhaled looking back to the dark outside world, wondering what is he doing right now. Who is he with, did he replace you yet, or did he suffers just like how you did. You chuckled to the last thought thinking why would he suffers for the one who treated him just like you did.

“He probably don't like me anymore.” You wanted to say hate, but 'like' probably could hurt less when you said it out loud.

“I never said that.” You and Kevin eyes snaps wide open when you heard another voice instead of both of you echoes from the silence. You know that voice and when you saw Kevin eyes were fixed to someone at your back, you didn't dare to look back.

“Okay imma go.” Kevin took his bag and phone, standing up and was about to leave you, but you manage to get a grip on his wrist.

“Don’t you dare.” You warned but he just smile and wiggled his wrist away from your strong grip and when you let go, he pat your head with an assuring smile.

“This is your chance, don't waste it.” He stroke your hair softly, smiling to Hyunjae with a curt nod before walking to the exit leaving you both in the studio in silence.

“Sorry i didn't mean to eavesdrop.” He said voice coming closer with his footsteps and you still didn't dare to look back. Your body numbed while your heart pounded so hard that you were sure your chest could explode anytime.

“Y/N.” He called softly when he appeared in you peripheral view, kneeling right next to where you were seated, you shut your eyes tight not dare to look at him.

“Sorry I didn't give you any chance to explain.”

“Sorry.” He repeated again but you still too scared to look at him.

“would you please look at me.” You felt his touch on your cold hand and you turn your head slowly, meeting his beautiful gaze. It was different from the past few week where they were cold and uninviting. But right now, his gaze was soft, warm and pleading.

“Hyunjae.” You whispered, holding his hand and he hold yours tighter.

“Can we please start over again?” he said, almost pleading melting you

“Even after what I’ve done?” you tilt your head to the side and he smiles wider bringing his one hand to your cheek, caressing it slowly with his thumb.

“As long as you love me.” He said and if your muscle wasn't strong enough, your heart could probably explode from the happiness.

“I do.” You crashed your body into him so hard that he almost stumbled back but manage to balance his body.

“I love you so much Hyunjae and I'm sorry for being an idiot. You can kiss other girl once and i dont mind.” You pull away, with your hand still rested on his shoulder, kneeling in front of him.

“Why would i want to kiss other girl?” he frowned and you stuttered.

“Just so we can even out or-“ he didn't let you finish by capturing your lips into his own and you kiss him back in a heartbeat feeling his lips moulded perfectly into your own into a long kiss.

“Let me kiss that pretty lips everyday and we're even.” He said after pulling away to catch his breath and rest his forehead on yours and you smiled breathlessly.

"Anything for my amazing boyfriend."

A/N: This was written before ‘Kevin Moon’ and it was meant for Changmin baby but I just cant hurt my Hyunjae, I’m so sorry. Things really had been hard on me lately (mentally) but i’m trying to get back on track (writing). This is not my best work and i am not in the best shape but i hope you enjoyed this one. thank you.

#the boyz #TBZ #tbz scenarios #the boyz hyunjae #tbz imagines #tbz hyunjae #hyunjae #lee hyunjae #hyunjae scenarios #hyunjae drabbles #the boyz scenarios #hyunjae imagines

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tommydoesntpayforsuits · 2 years

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I'm sorry you're going through a rough break up. Pain is the price we pay for love. Know that it's okay to feel your feelings, even the bad ones. Most importantly remember that there are people who love and appreciate you for who you truly are. I hope this brightens your day even if it's just a little bit. Stay strong and keep loving sweetie. 💜

Thank you, anon.

We were together for exactly one year. The break-up happened about a month ago, but for some reason I'm starting to feel it now.

When it happened, I didn't feel anything but confusion. A little bit of anger, because we got into a stupid, stupid fight (our first one, mind you). She sent me a really long, mean text (yup, over text), just talking about everything about me that pisses her off and everything she hates about me. And after that, she immediately blocked me on everything before I could reply. And I felt it was just such an overreaction.

It seemed like she expelled an accumulation of feelings she kept to herself. Apart from the mean things she said, she seemed angry I confided in her during a family crisis, and also that I had moved away (despite the fact that she also moved away from our home county?) to a different country.

But I would be lying if I said I didn't notice a decline in the relationship. We would talk every day if not every 2 days normally. But when I moved, we barely spoke. I was busy, she was busy. We couldn't arrange for someone to come over, she was busy with uni and I was busy with health stuff. The thing is, on the last day we saw each other in person, we had a kind of emotional goodbye at the train station. And we were talking about how we couldn't let each other lose touch, and how we were each other's best friend. But we were both almost in tears, and when she got onto the train, I was doing funny faces to make her feel better, but it was just so melancholy. It was like we already knew it was over, like everything we'd said were just placations.

I felt so ashamed for some reason. Everything she had said got to me. My self-esteem was so fucking low. All I wanted was to get high and forget everything for a bit— and if I had some stuff on me, I probably would have.

And I miss her. I've been seeing traces of her in my life. I'll go onto our old texts, and I'll see our old chats that I can't bear to delete. There will be songs that we used to dance to, and we used to love that I can't listen to anymore. The movies we watched and we planned to watch— can't see them anymore. I still have documents on my docs that we were working on together, like a list of movies we were going to watch and it kills me.

And I suddenly remember that I will never see her or speak to her or be around her again, and it's stifling. I went through my gallery for the first time since the break-up and I saw so many pictures of us, and I just wanted to cry. It hurt so much, but I deleted them. I don't need to see them anymore.

I talked about this with my therapist, and she asked me if I would take her back. And I said I would, but if she did something like that again, I wouldn't stand for it. And my therapist said that I can't give people ultimatums. I argued back, saying that I don't see anything wrong with ultimatums, because how are you meant to assure that someone won't do that again? But I realised, she's right. I can't give people ultimatums, because if someone's going to hurt me, an ultimatum isn't going to stop her. If I'm worried she's going to hurt me again, I shouldn't be taking them back in the first place.

At the same time, I don't want her back now. She hurt me. If one day she decides to reach out and apologise and try and repair the relationship, I don't think I could do it. That was such a betrayal, and I don't think I could ever trust her again. That confidence is completely broken. What she said, what she did. How do I know she won't blow up at me again? How would we even behave normally with each other after that?

I really loved her. Love. Not like, I loved her. I did a lot for that relationship. We had a lot of emotional moments, I told her so many secrets and she told me plenty. And I can't believe it's ended in less than an hour over fucking text. Did I ever mean anything to her if she just fucking threw me away like that? I'd never felt less loved and less valued in my fucking life. And that's saying something for me, because I have been overlooked by my family my entire life. I expected it from my family. But not from her. This entire ordeal has vindicated my feelings that I'm worthless and unlovable.

Sorry for venting, anon.

#anon ask #kind anon #marina's asks

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mellometal · 3 years

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Hey, everyone.

If you saw the post from earlier, I had to delete it. There were things I forgot to discuss and things that didn't get saved into my drafts. Sorry if you have to see this again.

I've been WAITING to talk about Glee. Not in the good way either. There's so much wrong with the show, and it's sickening. Yes, I've watched the show last year. Against my will, but that's because of other people refusing to put on anything else besides Glee. I can say that I hate Glee with my entire being. (My initial reason for hating it was because they covered "SING" by My Chemical Romance and turned it into a slow, patriotic song when it's a song about rebellion. NOTHING about "SING" is patriotic. I hated the show since I first heard about it...for that very reason. I was like thirteen or so at the time when I first heard about Glee? Despite it being out since 2009.

Though it's been over for several years now, it's a show that many people have mixed feelings about. From what I've seen, you either love Glee or you absolutely hate it. There's no in-between that I've seen. (If you can't already tell, I hate the show.)

The show is a literal dumpster fire, the characters are all fucking awful people and all of them are poorly written, the script pisses me off, it literally makes me feel disgusting, and don't even get me started on the covers. Most of the covers aren't that good. A lot of them sound like nails on a chalkboard to me. The pacing of the show makes NO sense in certain areas (like when Blaine was initially made to be a grade above Kurt, but was then changed to be like the same grade as him so he'd stay). It just feels like everyone in the show is either a Mary Sue, a Gary Stu, their whole personality is just that they're from a minority group or they're EDGY AND HARDCORE DELINQUENTS BLEEEEHHHHH, creepy as fuck, bigoted as all hell, or they're just background characters who occasionally have the spotlight.

TW: The following post and any other posts that I'll make about this show contains subject matter that may be triggering for some audiences. It will go into subjects like racism, homophobia, ableism, outing of a person in the LGBT community, bigotry in general, statutory r@pe (between teachers and students), teachers being creepy towards students, mentioned past child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma, making fun of su1c1d3, making fun of overdose, making fun of drug addiction....a lot of fucked up things.

If anything mentioned above is triggering for you, please feel free to scroll and consume safe media instead. I'd rather have you be safe than to be triggered by anything I'm gonna talk about.

Let's start off easy. The characters. It's easy to tear them apart. At least the most problematic ones.

Rachel, the Main Character™️, is textbook definition of a Mary Sue. Instead of calling her Rachel, I'm gonna call her Mary Sue for the whole post. She's almost completely perfect (like too perfect), her flaws are minor if anything, she gets all the special treatment....you get the picture. When Mary Sue does anything fucked up or she says anything fucked up, it either goes unnoticed, people make up excuses for her being a shitty person, or it gets twisted so it looks like Mary Sue is the hero! (I hate her. So much. I cannot stand her.)

Aaawwww, Mary Sue didn't want some OTHER GIRL (Sunshine) to steal HER spotlight, so she SENT THIS GIRL TO A CRACK HOUSE. A FUCKING CRACK HOUSE, OF ALL PLACES. A PLACE WHERE THIS GIRL COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN SERIOUS DANGER. THIS GIRL COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY INJURED AT BEST AND KILLED AT WORST. Yes, I'm aware not all drug houses are the same, but still. It doesn't matter what this girl did. What Sunshine did is irrelevant. It's not okay to send people to strange places where they don't know anyone, and are put in danger, even to the point of either getting injured or killed. But it's okay, because at least it's not an "active" crack house you sent Sunshine to, RIGHT, Mary Sue? You still sent some poor girl to a place where she could have been put in serious danger, even to possibly get injured or killed, all because you didn't want her to steal YOUR spotlight. You fucking disgusting, entitled, bratty cunt. You don't need the spotlight all the time anyway. THAT'S HOW THEATRE WORKS. YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET THE LEAD ROLE. YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET THE ROLE YOU WANT. AND THAT'S OKAY. YOU WORK WITH WHAT YOU GOT. Sincerely, a theatre kid.

There are other fucked up things Mary Sue has done, but this is the one thing I could find anyone talking about. If I remember correctly, she hurt her Gay Best Friend™️ Kurt in some way. All I remember is that Kurt was mad at Mary Sue about something. Mary Sue is annoying as fuck. What else can I say about her?

Next, we have Finn, who's textbook definition of a Gary Stu. I'll call him Gary Stu throughout this post. I hate this fucker too. He's the Main Character's Boyfriend™️, the Hot Quarterback™️, and The Good Guy™️. Yet....he's not a good person. He's treated like he's a good person, but he's really not. His flaws are fairly minor and excused (and any major flaws aren't even talked about much), he's almost completely perfect, and every fucked up thing he does is ignored or is justified in some way. Like how he outed Santana as lesbian in the hallway WITHIN EARSHOT OF EVERYONE. HE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR THIS.

As a woman who has struggled with her sexuality growing up, this really brought back shit I went through. I "dated" boys when I was younger to cover up the fact that I'm only attracted to other women. I wasn't happy with these guys at all. I acted like I did so nobody would suspect anything. I felt nothing for them, except for in a platonic way. I've been outed twice. Once when I thought I was bisexual with a strong preference for other women (by my dad's girlfriend at the time), and when I came out as lesbian (by my brother). It sucks to be outed. The people who outed me in real life could have put me in danger. They could have made it so I had no place to go back to. They could have had me get hurt. It's a scary feeling. Like, it doesn't matter if you're supportive or if you're in the LGBT community. You don't fucking out people without their explicit permission. You especially don't out people to their abusers or to people they don't trust, let alone out them publicly. That's what happened to me. I don't wish this on anyone.

***By the way, for anyone who's closeted, you're valid, I love you, and I know how it feels to be stuck in the closet. You don't have to come out right now. Come out whenever you're ready to. Whenever it's safe for you to do so.***

Or how about the fact that Gary Stu made fun of Kurt's voice because he's gay? Gary Stu apparently has ✨anger issues✨ and that's pretty much the excuse they use to justify him doing fucked up shit to people.

They treat the characters who are from minority groups (i.e., BIPOC, AAPI, LGBT community, disabled people) like absolute garbage, put them through all this horrific shit, or they put them on a pedestal simply for being in a minority group. The teachers and other school staff are either written to be total bigots (Sue), or they're total pr3dators (Mr. Schue, the school nurse, and another teacher who I can't remember her name off the top of my head).

Sue pretty much only exists to be a poorly written villain who's a bigoted bitch just to be a bigoted bitch. Yes, there were some things she WAS right about (like how "Blurred Lines" wasn't an appropriate song choice for the Glee Club™️, but Mr. Schue The Pr3dator™️ downplayed it). Other than that...that's all I can think of. Because everything else that came out of her mouth was bigoted bullshit. Like these right here, for example:

Or how she drugged the principal, date r@ped him, and blackmailed him?

How about them making a tasteless joke about Sue committing su1c1d3 and having her "overdose" on multivitamin gummies?

DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKED UP ALL OF THIS IS? I do? Well, first of all, she called people racist, homophobic, ableist, and otherwise disgusting names. She boiled them down to their race, sexual orientation, their disability, and their appearance in general. Second, SHE DRUGGED, BLACKMAILED, AND DATE R@PED SOMEBODY. I don't think I need to explain how that's bad. The evidence is right there. Third, she said she was committing "sue-icide" by overdosing on multivitamin gummies. (Yes, you actually can OD on vitamins in supplement form, and it can cause serious symptoms and even death. Specifically with vitamins A, D, E, and K, and Iron. Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat-soluble. They're a lot harder to remove from the body. The B vitamins and vitamin C aren't as severe if you do OD on them because they're water-soluble, but still be careful. You can't OD on vitamins and minerals you find in food. If you take supplements, vitamins, etc., only take what's on the bottle.) As someone who has su1c1d@l thoughts on and off, this is extremely insulting. Yes, I do use humor and I joke about my own experiences to cope, but this? Nah. Nothing about this is funny or cute in the slightest. Enough said.

Do I need to explain how fucking terrible it is to make light of a serious topic like this? It was never funny to see Britney Spears' mental health be at that low of a point in 2007. It was never funny to see the abuse the paparazzi inflicted on her. How the fuck was this ever okay? You can dislike Britney Spears all you want, but this was never it.

This is all I have for now. I'll probably make a part two because there are way too many things to talk about.

#mello speaks #glee #i hate this show #tw racism mention #tw date r@pe mention #tw suidice #tw homophobia mention #tw ableism mention #tw drug mention #i literally hate everyone in this show so much #tw pr3dator mention (will dive deep into this in part two)#tw od mention #anti glee

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wellhellsbelles · 4 years

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Hii!! I'm so so glad you're back :3 your fanfics were truly my faves. I've had this idea for a fanfic where riley wants to ask farkle to prom but is too scared to do so, so she makes a deal with him that if no one asks them to prom, they'll go together, and something happens and riley has to confess that she wanted to go w/ him and asks him w/ a poster that says: you, me, prom?

ahhhh thank you so much for enjoying my stuff and thanks for the prompt! i hope you enjoy this little fic :)

“So, are ya gonna do it?”

Maya’s face pops up as soon as Riley’s shut her locker door, eyes sparkling in a puckish sort of way that can only mean trouble. Riley clutches her AP Literature textbook against her chest, a brow raised.

“No.”

Maya groans.

“You promised! You told me that today would be the day! You said, and I quote, “Maya, if I don’t do it on this date, you’re allowed to make me buy you something from my mom’s restaurant for a month.” Look, I even have proof of you holding up the calendar with the big red circle outlining today’s date!”

Riley’s best friend whips out her phone, swiping through pictures until she finds what she’s looking for. She holds it up as if it’s incriminating evidence, but Riley doesn’t much care—well, she does, because that picture she took is downright unflattering and should be deleted immediately.

“Let me see that,” Riley demands, and Maya hands her the phone, clawing at her when she trashes it.

“Hey!”

“No one needs to see that picture, Maya. I’m trying to forget what my haircut looked like at the beginning of the year.” She begins to walk off, trying desperately to ignore Maya’s prodding to no avail.

“Riley Matthews, are you going to chicken out? I thought Matthews don’t quit,” Maya says, grinning when it stops Riley in her tracks. “Ha! I got you there.”

Riley moves to make her rebuttal, but the warning bell rings to alert them that they need to be heading to their next class, so she simply rolls her eyes, waving goodbye to Maya as she heads in the opposite direction.

“We’re tabling this, Matthews! Don’t think I won’t let this slide!” Maya calls out. Riley shakes her head, sighing as the weight of anxiety starts to lift.

Yeah, she’s aware she’s a coward. But she’s not about to do it—there’s being brave, and there’s being absolutely idiotic, and if she did go through with it?

It’d change a lot.

She’ll take the chance of being a coward any day over spilling her guts.

Riley’s never been one to believe in coincidence, so when Farkle swings through her window effortlessly later that day, she can’t help but damn fate a little.

“Alright, you, me, AP Literature. Now,” he says, tossing his bag onto her floor and landing on her bed with a thud. Riley pushes her feelings way down inside her, swallows them until she’s able to pretend they’re nonexistent, and glances up at him.

“Why does it feel like all you ever come to me for anymore is AP Lit stuff?”

Farkle scoffs.

“Please, we had a horror movie marathon last weekend. Plus, I brought a bribe. You do still take bribes, right?” he asks, pulling out a bag of sour gummy worms.

“Your bribe has been accepted. Gimme,” she thrusts her hand out, making a grabbing motion. Farkle laughs giving her the bag. She tries to tear it open with her teeth when she can’t rip it with her hands, whooping triumphantly when it tears.

“Don’t hog those. I want some, too.”

Riley wants to tell him he could bugger off, but she knows that sentiment would be null and void. She’d rather give up an arm than force him out of her space, and if that meant sharing his gift of sour gummy worms, she would.

“Leave the—”

“Blue-red ones, I know,” he finishes cheekily, pulling a couple of yellow-red ones out and plopping them into his mouth.

“So, AP Lit?” she asks. Farkle pulls out his textbook and notebook, settling himself comfortably on the end of her bed.

“Am I allowed to say I don’t love poetry? Because this class makes me not a fan of poetry,” he says, nose curling as he reads a question, “Why aren’t there any good science poems?”

“There are, you just aren’t looking for them,” Riley tells him simply.

“Lies. Name one off the top of your head right now,” Farkle jibes, throwing a gummy worm at her.

“The Old Astronomer by Sarah Williams. ‘I have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night.’ If I ever did get a tattoo, it’d be with that quote,” she answers, picking the gummy worm off herself and eating it. She looks back at Farkle, who remains . . . unconvinced.

“Pretty quote, still not interested in poetry. I think it’s the form.”

“Okay, what if I told you to look at the scientific method steps like a poem? Because it basically is. BOOM, exploded your mind with hot knowledge!”

“Riley, please. Don’t ruin science for me.”

Riley sticks her tongue out at him, gently kicking him in the thigh with her foot as she settled comfortably into against her pillows. She’s already finished her AP Lit homework, onto her AP Chemistry homework now, but she’s always ready to help Farkle when he needs it. The degree to which she’d drop everything for him, just for him, is downright . . .

Embarrassing.

But she’s learned to take it in stride. There’s something about his presence that always makes her feel a certain sort of way now, but she just reminds herself that this is Farkle, her best friend since she was five, and there’s nothing to be scared of.

Then Maya texts her, and she remembers what it is exactly she’d been fretting.

i know the minkus boy is at ur house!

he just sent me a snap of u

u look like ur having a midlife crisis on ur bed there

better fix that by

i dunno

ASKING HIM THE STUPID QUESTION

Riley shuts her phone off, tossing it to the side to return to her Chemistry textbook.

Chemistry! She’s supposed to be studying for chem, and she will not—it’s absolutely out of the question—say the question that’s in her head.

I thought Matthews’ don’t quit.

Damnit! Maya’s right, Matthews’ don’t quit.

They shouldn’t.

“Farkle?” she calls out to him, ignoring the way he’s mussed his hair in an adorable fashion from being fraught by the poems laid out in front of him.

“Yeah, Riles?”

“So . . .” Just ask it. Ask him, you dummy! “Uh, are you going with anyone to prom?”

“Oh,” he blinks, as if not anticipating the question (he probably wasn’t, come to think of it), “No, not that I’m aware of. Why do you ask?”

Here goes nothing.

“Youwannagotopromwithme?” Riley blurts all at once, the words rushing out of her mouth like vomit. Farkle stares at her, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times as if he’s trying to gauge if she’s serious or not. In fact, the longer he doesn’t talk, the quicker Riley tries to think of a way to recover from this, because ABORT MISSION ABORT!!!

“You know, if no one else asks you? Or you don’t ask anyone else? We can just go as friends,” she supplies, chuckling nervously. Something flashes across Farkle’s face, something that Riley thinks is akin to disappointment, but as soon as it’s there, it’s gone.

He shrugs.

“Sure, why not?”

Riley sighs with relief.

“Okay, cool. Just let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course.”

The night does not return to normal after that. In fact, it’s awkward up until the moment Farkle swoops back out the window with a goodbye and a half-hearted smile. As soon as he vanishes, Riley collapses face-down into her pillow, screaming into it out of pure frustration.

We can just go as friends.

Who is she?! That’s not what she wanted at all, but she chickened out because Maya was freaking right!

But if she had seen the look on his face before she added that . . . Riley made the right decision. She’s sure of it, because if she had been serious?

That’d probably be it, friendship over.

It’s . . . it’s better this way.

She’s certain of it.

. . . Right?

“So?” Maya asks as she arrives beside Riley’s locker the next morning, their usual meet-up. Riley groans, leaning her head inside the locker.

“I asked him and then added just as friends when he didn’t respond right away. So, you know, I kind of asked.”

“Just as friends?!” Maya screeches at her. Riley places her hands on her own head.

“I know! I know. I wasn’t able to go to sleep last night. It was a stupid thing to do anyway, it just made everything a billion times more awkward. Why did I let you talk me into this, Maya?”

“Alright, did he say yes to that, at least?”

Riley nods her head.

“Okay, good. We can work with that. We’ll just have you romance him at prom, no problem.”

“What do you mean ‘no problem’? Yes, problem! I am not doing that, Peaches. I’ve humiliated myself enough for one lifetime. I think I’m going to opt out of prom, maybe bow out of senior year in disgrace or something.”

She hears Maya exhaust a long breath before she’s helping Riley out of her own locker, spinning her around and resting her hands on her shoulders.

“Riley Matthews, you are letting your feelings for a boy get to you too much. Yeah, he’s Farkle, but you’re Riley. You’re magnificent and amazing and if he doesn’t like you back? That’s his loss, because he missed the mark.”

“Thank you, Maya,” Riley smiles softly, hugging her best friend. Maya hugs her back and then releases her, giving her a look that can only mean trouble if Riley knows her well enough (and she does.)

“Okay, you know what? This whole ‘friends’ thing isn’t going to work. I need you to ask him out for real, because I know you’ll hate yourself for it if you don’t. I know it’s a hard thing to do, but you know better than anyone about making hard decisions. So do me a favor and ask him again by the end of this week—properly, mind you—and then the two of you will live freaking happily ever after because if I know Farkle, he’ll be hard pressed to say no. That boy has spent too much of his life in love with you. It’s not any different now.”

Riley allows herself to soak that in.

Is Maya really right? He did love her, but Riley’s not certain that was a real type of love. But then again, Farkle’s never been one to half-ass things. He’s loved her so many ways, so why not love her the way she loves him now?

“I’ll do it,” Riley agrees against her better judgement.

Wednesday passes. She doesn’t ask Farkle to the prom. Thursday passes. She doesn’t ask. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all whirl by her quickly, but she still hasn’t mustered the courage to ask. Even after the wonderful pep-talk Maya gave her, Riley still couldn’t find it in herself to breach the subject with him because she was just scared.

Liking Farkle really scared her, and she didn’t like that at all. Because scaring her meant that these feelings were more than just a passing phase, that she was bound to be stuck in this limbo of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not for the rest of forever until she broke it.

So Sunday night she plans to ask him Monday at the end of school, even gets Maya in on it so that she can’t back out again.

She can’t back out this time; she won’t do it.

When Monday rolls around, Riley thanks whoever is out there that, while they share classes, she and Farkle don’t share the same class periods. It’s what’s helped her endure her second semester of senior year; while she appreciates having him there, she’s not sure she wouldn’t waste her class time glancing at him across the room.

Her last class period of the day moves both fast and at a snail’s pace, so when the bell rings it surprises her so much that she takes her several minutes to gather her things. Riley’s never been more off her game in her entire life, but then again, she’s never had to actually ask Farkle to prom for real before.

(Well, she’s never had to ask Farkle out period. That was always his game, not hers. Too bad she can’t get pointers from him.)

Riley heads out to meet Maya at her locker, passing by the stragglers who haven’t made it out yet, but something catches her eye instead.

It’s Farkle, at his own locker, with a girl who has people standing with her, holding several letters decorated with fake flowers spelling out PROM.

Riley’s too late.

PEACHES

where were u???

i stayed at ur locker

like we planned

i even asked farkle if he saw u

he said he didn’t

so something happened

pls tell me ur okay ☹

Riley doesn’t bother texting Maya despite knowing she owes her best friend an explanation. She’s too busy wallowing in self-pity and the humiliation of rejection to deal with anyone right now.

She should’ve been quicker. She shouldn’t have been a chicken about it and just told him about her dumb, stupid feelings and gotten it over with. Anything at this point would be preferable to the sting Riley feels in her chest when she thinks about how she missed out on not just being Farkle’s date to prom but experiencing prom with him. It’s not the same without him by her side.

So no prom for Riley Matthews. She cashed in on her one chance at going Junior year, and as far as Riley was concerned, this probably meant her chance with Farkle, too.

But fate is not as kind to her, because Farkle climbs through her window, landing on the cushions of the bay window bench with a soft thud.

“What the heck,” he says, breathing out a sigh of relief when he’s spotted her, “Maya and I thought you died in a ditch! What were you thinking?”

Riley has no response for that. In fact, she’s pretty certain her brain’s shut off entirely for the foreseeable future, because in no way had she planned on encountering Farkle for as long as she could hold it off.

It’s now or never, Matthews, a voice that sounds vaguely like Maya whispers in her mind. Riley exhales.

Right.

“Are you going to prom with that girl?” she asks instead, eyes set with determination. Farkle stares at her, bewildered.

“What?! Your response to Maya and I worrying about your safety is some trivial question about prom?”

“It’s not trivial to me!” Riley exclaims, the burn of embarrassment bubbling up out of her. The intensity of her words must cross Farkle’s radar, because his eyes are widening.

“Riley? What’s going on?”

She makes a decision then, unable to fight with these godforsaken feelings any longer. She tosses the poster she’d worked painstakingly on for hours onto the bed, gesturing to it brazenly.

“I was going to ask you to prom for real today. I know I made a joke of it the other night, but I really meant it. I wanted to go to prom with you because I like you, Farkle. I’m tired of ignoring my feelings and pushing them away because I think it might benefit you. These feelings I have are real and they’re not going away any time soon, okay?”

Farkle’s eyes shift over to the poster, eyes tracing the words over and over again, as if it’s taking him a while to register it.

You. Me. Prom. Let’s do this thing?

It was hard for Riley to come up with a way to ask him that was both clever and meaningful, and she chose something that was between them and only them. He had once told her, “You. Me. Mars. Let’s do this thing.” It was always something that hardly meant anything to her back then but means the world to her now, or at least, it did before she realized she’d been too late.

“So?” Farkle asks, voice rough as if his throat had run dry. Riley tilts her head.

“What?”

“Are you going to ask me properly or not? We’re losing daylight here, Matthews,” Farkle says, arms crossed against his chest. Riley scoffs, rolling her eyes. She doesn’t quite get why he’s trying to be cruel to her at this point, but whatever.

“Farkle Minkus, I wanted to know. You. Me. Prom. Let’s do this thing?”

“Yes,” comes his answer, flowing off his tongue as if it’s the easiest thing he’s ever said in his life. Riley nearly jumps out of her seat but recovers at the last second.

“Yes?”

“Riley Matthews, yes, of course I’ll go to prom with you.”

“But—”

“No, I didn’t say yes to that other girl because I had already told you that we could go together. Sure I was kind of disappointed when you said it was as friends, but . . . you’re my best friend. It doesn’t matter what capacity our relationship is, I just want to be with you.”

Riley doesn’t get it.

“Wait, so what you’re saying is—”

“Riley Matthews, I’ve loved you since the first grade. I don’t think I ever stopped, really. So yes, I’ll go to prom with you as your date, because I’m so in love with you it isn’t funny,” Farkle tells her, giving her a gentle, lopsided grin. Riley scrambles off her bed the same time he rises from the bay window bench, the two of them embracing harder than she ever has in her entire life.

“I’m sorry I freaked out on you,” she admits into the crook of his neck. He chuckles, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

“It’s okay. You’re the same Riley you’ve always been, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

#riarkle #ask #riarkle fanfic #riarkle fanfiction #riley x farkle #farkle x riley #i should not have stayed up this late to finish this #but i was determined

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fictional-worlds-are-exquisite · 3 years

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i am out there!! i'm glad you liked it! i'm definitely trying out the recipe you left in the tags. it sounds way better than just banana and peanut butter. i always have to pay a lot of attention when i type banana because i've ended up with "bananana" way too many times

i was planning to run straight to your askbox the second i saw you replied but then the end of the semester happened and it killed me. hopefully i'm done with it now

i do exactly the same thing with height! if you tell me your height in feet i have absolutely no idea how tall that is. if you say that in centimetres that's easy. i mean you're 155cm so that's 12cm shorter than me. when you told me that in feet i was like okay cool i have no idea how much shorter than actually is

i love birds!!! so that seems awesome! i am now titling you the queen of birds. and i'm glad your vacation was good! i think i saw a couple of posts you made about it so it definitely does seem like a lot of fun! and did you ever figure out completely what that see through animal (?) in the sand was? i had no idea stuff like that even existed so now i'm invested in knowing what it is

i am 100% hiring you for my coming out party i'm throwing in a couple of years. it's gonna be fun. if we don't get immediately kicked out i promise good food and some spicy drama between my homophobic relatives and my accepting relatives! and my brother's, who i already came out to, dry commentary

i was definitely not the one you told about burma trails! but from the tags i'm just gonna say how is that allowed and why does it seem like a weird type of torture? i hate it, i probably would've had a heart attack 3 seconds in

oh yeah i actually can't tell most of the time if the memories from my childhood are actual memories or if it's just a combination of having seen photos and heard stories about it

my glasses prescription is fine i think. my eye doctor said that i get headaches from glasses because... well i tried to explain this and then deleted it all because it was a very scientific explanation when she said it and i zoned out pretty much halfway through and even the part that i did understand i can't translate to english! but it has something to do with the fact that with contacts it's enough to move my eyes in the direction i want to look at and with glasses i have to move my whole head and my brain got so used to contacts that it overdoes it with the eye movements when wearing glasses? i dunno. this is the best i can do in explaining it

i must admit i'm very jealous of the never snows part because while snow is pretty to look at it's absolutely freezing! for the past week i slept under a duvet, three blankets while wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt and i still woke up cold. because for a couple of nights it was around -22°C. it's great

ohhh you got pretty lucky as a kid then! my kid self would have absolutely lost it at getting the equivalent of 5/10 bucks. i probably would have bought so much candy

excellent!!! hope you’re enjoying the vague void from whence you came! i’ve never said whence before in my LIFE i wonder if i used it correctly. anyway. the actual recipe was way more specific but once i saw ‘2 frozen bananas’ and looked at all the sliced bananas in my fridge, having no idea how many there were, i just started improvising sdfkhsdfs. I’d be interested to try it with yoghurt though if I can get some dairy free plain stuff, I’m sure I can somewhere. Banana used to be my biggest problem when I was younger. Then I learnt words like occasion and necessary and embarrassed and I realised the more english I tried to learn, the worse my life was gonna get. And I was right. On the bright side, developing an inability to ever spell occasion correctly made banana seem a lot easier to handle.

that is fair. end of semesters are rough. i cannot function during them at all. i hope everything chills out for you!! i’m not sure how the school year is over there but maybe it’s break time? that’d be nice. but rest in peace anyway, enjoy being dead! they say necromancy is frowned upon in all societies but I reckon it’s just called making a friend when you’re dead so maybe you wanna take that up as a hobby! I’ve heard it’s nice this time of year!

yup! sometimes I’m like oh you’re 5 foot 4? that sounds way taller than me. but it...it really isn’t...it’s like an extra 8cm or something. which adds up! but in my head I was picturing a MUCH taller height. In my head I think I picture 6 foot and 5 foot 4 as the same height, now that I think about it.

!!!!! my first order as queen of birds is to meet a morepork face to face so we can chat about the price of pork these days. yes!! the first half was nice but the second half was really fun. my best guess is still that it’s a salp? Maybe? So many salp pictures are massive groups of them but like,, from what i can tell of singular photos,,, it was maybe that? I guess the only other possibility is it’s just some clear jellyfish but salp does seem more likely. At first I was like oh duuude boob implant for the ocean!! but then I realised it actually seemed kinda alive and was probably an actual creature. my bad.

excellent. i’ll break any tension by dropping the vampire act for the mouse act. will do backflips for cheese. will bite ankles for homophobic comments. Will pull a knife out of god knows where, not to threaten anyone, just to clean my nails with to make everyone nervous. I offer many services. I’m flexible. And I love me some good food.

I actually DON’T know the reason behind burma trails. I really don’t. The reason ‘it’s a fun activity!’ seems a little fake. if it’s a fun activity then why did Mrs. G. tell us a horror story about the forest before we went out to navigate said forest at night, blindfolded, surrounded by wildlife and parents supervising (*cough* waiting for the opportunity to jump out at you *cough*) with a teacher at the end waiting to scare us. So we can learn how to navigate the forest in the dark? So we learn how to follow a mysterious rope INTO the forest at night? seems dodgy to me. school camps be like [drives you out to forest] follow this rope and don’t take your blindfold off. like. bruh. i almost DID have a heart attack one time, I got stuck like something was holding my leg. First thought-ah, must’ve got my leg stuck in a big stick. Second thought-maybe this is one of the parents fucking around, it feels more like a grip than a twig. Third thought-I cannot get my leg free no matter what I do what the fuck is HAPPENING so I started crying out for help. When they FINALLY came they found nothing my leg was caught on so that was fun. love that for me. I was able to move as soon as they arrived. That’s not weird at all. anyway.

I think most of my early memories are just from stories I’ve been told and photos I’ve seen. My memory tends to be horrible I highly doubt I remember that one time I was eating dirt from the garden out in the yard gleefully. I just saw the photo evidence. mm spaghetti. bone apple teeth. my character hasn’t changed at all since I was a wee babe.

ohhhh okay. I think I get what you mean by that. Thank you for trying to explain! That’s really interesting. I guess I do move my head a lot with glasses. Although I have massive glasses so it’s probably easier for me to just move my eyes where I want. I reckon with smaller glasses I’d have to move my head way more.

the temperature comment is so funny because during the heart of winter i tend to sleep with a sheet, a blanket, a duvet, then 2-4 blankets on top while in a long sleeve shirt and long pants and sometimes bed socks and often a hottie (i’ve never realised how that sounds out of context...a hot water bottle...is calling it a hottie normal or is a my family thing? is this a nz thing? now i’m questioning myself). in my uni accommodation last year we didn’t have proper heating during most of winter and well. there was a quilt added to everything else. every blanket i could find. how cold does it get here in winter? rarely ever past 0 degrees celsius. I would literally die in your position, clearly. I could not survive that. Props to you for making it through aha.

yesss. Before when I found five dollar notes it’d be on the street and I’d be like oh no! Mum we have to hand this into the police station! It’s a lot of money, someone will be looking for it! Understandably she was like,, lindsey they might miss it but there’s not really any way you can find them,,, I still refused to spend it. That was like my first time really getting that much money for myself. The dairy on main street sold lollies for 10 cents each and they had like, 30 different lil glass boxes so you’d go I want 3 of 26, 5 of 7, ohhh and 5 of 13 please! I dunno if they’re still 10 cents each but I thought it was the best thing ever as a kid. I think I wanted to save the money though sfdjsdkfhs put it in my piggy bank to save up for something ‘super cool’. Aka probably like a neat soft toy to sleep with sdfsdkfs.

#Anonymous #i wrote the majority of this reason like a couple hours after you sent it #then i went to bed because it was late. thinking to myself. oh i'll finish the last bit in the morning!#but of course in the morning the lil 1 didn't show up above mail and it was located in my drafts now so my dumb ass was like ah yes #absolutely nothing to respond to here!#i should know by now i never remember if i save things to drafts sfjshkdfhsdf #anyway #i REMEMBERED. a few days late. BUT i didn't just forget entirely so! there's that!#now i'll finish the last bit of the response and edit the incomprehensible tired mumbling parts #although i'm currently overheating so now it'll be incomprehensible overheated brain parts! fun!#no i cannot handle cold temperatures no i cannot handle 'hot' temperatures i can handle like a one to two degree range #and nothing else. life is. a trip.#I still don't know what to call dairy's when talking to people outside nz #corner store? they're not always on corners. convenience store? maybe. small shop? idk dude #i don't quite know the correct thing to equate them to.#but they sell lollies sometimes. that's the main point here sdkjhskdf #now to decide what I'm doing tonight #play stardew valley. watch someone else play stardew valley on youtube. stare at my ceiling thinking about stardew valley. do the dishes #earlier today i was like maybe...maybe i'll watch a movie...add some variety to my life...#i wanted to rewatch whatever movie has that song that is like agggooonnnyyyyyy #that's the only word i remember from the song. so it's that. or...well...back to my obsession

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nvzblgrrl · 4 years

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Part 1 Heyo man, I'm absolutely ecstatic that you have this whole One Piece Big Fic project in the works. I'm honestly p paranoid about interacting with words, but your works have been something I've continuously enjoyed going back to and rereading over all these years. And while you've grown and your earlier stuff feels cringe, there's a charm that Witt and Witticism and all of your earlier works have that is longlasting. And I, and apparently others, can't help but love.

Part 2 I've probably reread your fics a good thousand times by now. Like seriously I've got a good bunch of the fics you posted on AO3 saved as PDFs for my own personal reading when I feel the urge. Namely Luck of The Draw, Ultimate Symbiote, and a portion of your Chain Adventures. I've been here quietly reading for a long time and I'm gonna make sure to properly give feedback this time. Good luck in your absolutely bonkers endeavor!

Yeah, absolute mood on the ‘cringe’ part. I think the only excuse I can make for the really early stuff is that -

(this is gonna get loooong and reference child abuse + the 2000′s-2010′s meme culture, so pre-emptive apologies)

1. I had a really messed up upbringing. Not as bad as some people’s situations but still on the deeper end of bad by the ‘White American’ standard and still (albeit barely) within the bounds of Funny Sitcom Abuse Antics (at least for mid-2000′s and older stuff) most of the time. Most of it was neglect and social isolation - I pretty much left the property to go to school, church, and to visit relatives because of court-mandated visitation, the last of which probably kept me from going insane, and that was it aside from events where my dad needed an accessory to compliment his public mask - but there were some other shit mixed in that relied on the Trunchbull Rule (it has to sound too weird to be real so nobody believes it/takes it seriously) to happen.

So besides like, the PTSD from that (which has a habit of bleeding into all of my works, which you’ve probably noticed by now, lmao), I had like, zero experience on healthy relationships, social skills (well outside of a few variations on ‘messed up friendships’ and what I picked up from books, movies, and TV), and basic life skills outside of stuff like ‘boil water and follow the box directions’).

2. I got into the internet really late compared to my generation and everyone after. This was mostly because we had literally no semi-reliable internet access until I was about 11-13 and that was either the school internet or the dial-up at home (which of course was time-limited with the time shared with my brother and done on the family computer with observation in effect). Most of that was spent on like flash games or webcomics, many of which I have tried to reread only to find them gouging my soul because god what the hell was happening in 2007 - wait. Yeah.

It got better by the time we hit high school because by then we had our own computers (not scanners though, I had to pass art and passwords over to a friend of mine to get them on the internet for a couple years before we got one at home), a better internet connection, and high levels of parental disengagement as we proved to be disappointments despite our previous ‘potential’ (my dad was hoping for me to become a life-long cash cow for him, IDK what was going on with my brother and his mom), which meant I could spend more time on the internet... which at the time, meant DeviantArt and FF.net (tumblr came way, waaay at the end of my time in high school).

Yes, that’s where I started out. That should explain a good 90% of why the early stuff was Like That.

Also don’t look for my DeviantArt because I deleted the whole thing years ago, for cringe reasons - namely, a really, really stupid minor war over something I can’t even remember but it ran a lot like those old ‘Potterheads Get Your Wands’ posts, though the fact that 80% of my output towards the end were extremely banal and/or fucking insane One Piece (and occasionally Soul Eater) Demotivator Posters didn’t help.

Pictured: proof of my crimes against humanity (with some minor repeats - every single one of those demovitators are something I did and that’s not even all of them) despite my attempts to destroy the evidence, because the internet (and pinterest) never forget and often reposts without permission.

[Image description: a series of drawn images of a man. the first panel is of him looking at a computer with the subtitle ‘recognition’, the second is a close-up of him with sweat and a look of surprise on his face along with two exclamation points subtitled ‘realization’, the third and final image is an extreme close up of his intensely stressed expression subtitled ‘fear’.]

[Image description, but funny: me accidentally coming across one of those reposts a couple years ago.]

I personally can’t forget because I know my style at the time (it had a few variations, but all of them have been seared into my soul) and how inane/insane some of them read. My favorite was one that ended up turning into a word vomit about how cool Gol D. Roger was that ran so far that it didn’t fit inside the format anymore and ended up running off of the page repeatedly.

...and yes, I did make one edit that was ‘Dead or Alive? is that a trick question?’ for Brook. That one’s still circulating too.

3. While that covers a certain amount of the problems with the early work, Witt and Witticism stands out as a pinnacle because I was both using a reaction heavy style (I was pretty much doing a live-blog of my One Piece anime rewatch in fanfic form, using Witt as a mouth piece - a similar style was used with Ultimate Symbiote but fortified with a few original stories and actual non-canon stuff happening!) and going through the tail end an extreme manic period brought on by escaping (read: getting kicked out of because they were no longer socially or legally obligated to care for me anymore) my abusive childhood home + having money (from my dead mom’s social security).

Seriously, that year was bonkers. I got to go to Disneyworld, got a new cat, published an insane fic, and blew through so much money on some dumb fucking shit when my dad wasn’t stealing it because I didn’t realize he had access to my then-bank account.

Also I’m pretty sure that you can detect when my sanity/depression started reasserting itself in the last few chapters of Witt because he starts experiencing consequences, though I’m not saying you should reread it to try to locate that moment because I’m having to re-read it repeatedly for reference purposes and I don’t think anyone should have to suffer this unless they’re into that (which admittedly, might be the result of that ‘charm’ you mentioned, because I can’t otherwise account for how that fic got over a quarter of a million hits otherwise).

Not to say that all of my early stuff was bad (some of it was actually shockingly good once I found it again, even though it was flawed) but the most easily accessible stuff is... not great!

And thanks for the well-wishes. I’m gonna need that luck if I want to get through it. I look forward to the feedback!

#asks #the big fat one piece fic project #Anonymous

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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I dont want to intrude on your convo with your friend but I've been reading all your posts about your changelings verse since you started making them. Is the Alicia you mentioned next to Boyd in the poart about the changeling market meant to be Boyd's little sister from TW? What's her change, if you don't mind telling??

LOL no worries, and you’re not intruding, I don’t mind comments or weighing in on any post I make ever, unless its specifically under a cut and I’m like ‘plz dont reblog Im gonna delete this in ten minutes anyway, IM JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY’ lolol.

So yeah, you’re fine, and if you follow me because of TW which you obvsly know well enough to recognize Alicia’s name, you probably know how much I love exploring minor or barely ever used characters, haha. Alicia Boyd is no exception and I have a ridiculous number of headcanons and places I’ve used her in various unposted WIPs considering that she made all of one appearance on the show and it was a hallucination/flashback. BUT WHATEVER.

Anyway, Alicia’s Change is one of my faves, and given that she’s such a barely there presence in TW, she’s a character I’m pretty comfortable keeping just as she is in my TW changeling headcanons, when writing the official ‘to be published’ stuff in this ‘verse.

All Changelings’ physical changes and magic are in some way related to their personalities and individual traits, even if that connection isn’t immediately obvious. And even though the Changelings are supernatural in origin, given that their magic reflects who they are and who they are is a product of a 21st century modern society, I wanted some of them to have changes and magic that seems in some ways almost sci-fi or technology based, even while still definitively being magic at its source.

So for no particular reason other than just its my head, I’ll headcanon what I want, I’ve always pictured Alicia as a STEM girl, very much into science and math, and her change and magic ties into that.

Basically, she looks just like she did before she was Changed, so she’s a fourteen year old black girl who’s just a slightly older version of the character we saw briefly on TW….except for the fact that she’s at all times surrounded by what appear to be like…ghostly versions of herself.

Like, at any given time there’s a half dozen to a dozen different versions of herself, totally intangible and somewhat faded/transparent like a photo that hasn’t been fully developed….and they’re all ‘orbiting’ her, for lack of a better term….kinda like the electrons of an atom orbit it.

And these other versions of herself all look slightly different upon closer inspection - different hairstyles, clothing, a couple have glasses, etc….and some appear like they’re floating in mid-air, others like their feet are sinking into the ground….and most of them usually look like they’re just hovering or flickering around Alicia like half-formed images or ghosts that are all moving, doing something - whether appearing like they’re talking, walking, fighting, reading, any number of things….and all of them seemingly paying no attention to what’s going on around Alicia here and now, if they’re even aware of it.

Which they are though, because the thing is, these ‘satellite versions of herself’ are all alternate versions of herself existing currently in other parallel universes where the Change still occurred and they all ended up with the same magic as this Alicia.

So essentially, there are between ten and sixteen versions of Alicia, spread across an equivalent number of parallel universes….who are all Changelings with the exact same magic….which connects them all.

Just like they appear like ghostly images of this Alicia here, this Alicia appears as one of the ghostly images hovering around each of the other versions of herself in their realities.

And despite them always looking like they’re doing their own thing for the most part and oblivious to anything happening in a different reality, that’s just a matter of them learning after a loooot of practice and trial and error, how to primarily just focus on their main reality and only keep a vague/back of their mind awareness trained on what’s happening with the other versions of herself via their magical connection.

Whenever something big happens to one of them though, no matter which reality, like if one of them is in danger, the others can immediately stop what they’re doing in their home realities and pay attention to the one who’s actively in danger….because all the Alicias can communicate with each other, share knowledge and life experiences and skills with each other, and so whenever one of them really needs the others, the others can all focus on them and come to their aid or support them in a variety of ways, even without being physically present.

And some of these parallel universes are more similar than others, and some of them are just sliiiiightly out of sync with the others….like one of the Alicias lives in a universe that for the most part is almost identical to this Alicia’s universe….except its timeline is like, thirty seconds ahead of this one’s.

Meaning while its not foolproof, due to the very very minor differences in realities resulting in the people in each reality making slightly different choices….that 30 seconds ahead Alicia tends to for the most part be able to give this Alicia a 30 seconds heads up to any unexpected danger.

And there’s a bunch of other ways their magic is helpful too….each of the Alicias’ has their own fields of study…remember since Changeling magic reflects the person, the fact that these Alicias all have the same magic is because all of these versions of her are precocious little science and math prodigies in some way….but they all have slightly different interests and scientific and mathematic pursuits they’ve applied themselves towards or decided to study in earnest. Which means any one of them can at any time draw on the knowledge possessed by one of the others due to studying a specific field that the other one doesn’t know a ton about. Or they can just talk to each other directly, ask each other questions about something, or use themselves as a sounding board or to bounce ideas off of each other.

So sometimes Alicia will just stop in the middle of talking to other Changelings in town here to be like hang on a sec, I need to get this….and appear to just be talking to one of her own flickering reflections in the middle of the sidewalk, while anyone who knows her well is pretty used to this and just chills like someone waiting for a friend to finish up on the phone after she had to take an urgent call, lol.

And since the Alicias don’t have to be in the same or similar physical space to still appear as satellites of each other Alicia in her home reality, one Alicia can be physically present at one side of town and really need something like….from a book she left at home on the other side of town. And one of the other Alicias is usually bound to be at home and by focusing on her, Alicia can just ask her to read from her own book what this Alicia needs to know, or like, check something online, or solve a problem real quick for her and give her the answer while she focuses on doing something else urgent at the same time, etc.

Then there’s the fact that some of the Alicias have a lot of self-defense training and teach the others some tricks, and a couple are very practiced with a variety of weapons they can pass along expertise about….one Alicia excels at picking locks, which comes in handy as this Alicia, along with about five of the others, is kinda like….the Nancy Drew of their respective Bordertowns, the pint-sized, precocious PI that other Changelings often turn to despite her age, because Alicia (all the Alicias, really) is damn good at what she does.

Also via their connection to each other’s realities, when they focus they can basically see what’s going on around one of the others, so for instance, when this one is in danger or running from someone or something like that, and a few of the others are safe and sound at home, they can just focus solely on her and everything going on around her, and its like Alicia has preternatural awareness of her surroundings then, because she’s got five or six other versions of herself flickering around her head and at her back like ghostly shadows…and all of them are shouting instructions to her or to look out for this or that or turn here, etc. So there’s basically six pairs of eyes looking out for her and keeping her apprised of everything that’s going on in her vicinity at the moment.

That really comes in handy.

Everyone can see the other versions of herself that are most present via her connection at any given moment, given that that’s the nature of her physical Change, but since its her magic specifically, only she can actually hear the other versions of her or interact with them….with very rare exceptions. None of them have quite figured out yet how the connection totally works, in the sense that some of them are in sharper focus at times than others, like, there’s always some connection between all of them, but at different times some feel further away and are harder to communicate or interact with than others. And they’re not sure if that’s because like, their different universes are engaged in some kind of movement or orbit or rotation relative to each other, or if there’s some other reason for it, but a few of them are always working on that particular puzzle at any given moment, lol.

But on a related note, on three separate occasions, when one of the Alicias in one reality was in extreme danger, another Alicia was able to temporarily ‘jump into the driver’s seat’ of that Alicia’s body, via their connection….one time was when one of the skilled fighters jumped into one of the Alicias who was being attacked by someone she’d followed during one of her investigations and turned out to be more dangerous than she’d expected….another time one of the other Alicias jumped into the body of an Alicia who’d been knocked unconscious in an accident and the other Alicia was able to assume control of her body and get her out of danger until she woke up and it bumped the other one back into her own body….and then the third time, one of the Alicias saw that this Alicia was about to get hit by a car that she didn’t see coming, and the alternate Alicia tried to warn her by projecting through their connection as hard as she could, to look out….and somehow accidentally jumped fully into this Alicia’s body and threw her(self) out of the way, before almost immediately being slingshotted back into her own body.

Except none of them have figured out how to do anything like that on command, despite it vexing a number of them. They just know it most likely has something to do with the intensity of a life or death threat or situation making it possible…even though it doesn’t always seem to happen, so they try not to rely on it.

And on one particularly memorable occasion that none of them have the faintest clue why or how it happened, eight of them went from flickering around this Alicia like satellite ghosts….to manifesting physically around her in this reality in their own bodies, and shocking the hell out of the guy trying to intimidate her, who was not at all prepared for the teen girl to suddenly be just one of a literal crowd of nine girls all staring him down. So he turned tail and ran, and they all almost instantly winked back into their home realities and returned to just being afterimage-esque glimpses of them still orbiting around her.

None of them have any idea how that happened or why, let alone how to make it happen again, which irritates the crap out of most of them because ugh, screw magic, there has to be a logical explanation for at least the mechanism of this, damn you supernatural forces with no coherent consistency!

(All the Alicias rant quite often about their inability to pin down firm rules for a lot of Changeling magic and how and why it operates the way it does. Big fans of logic, the Alicias. Not so much the bafflement).

Sooooo….she’s a LOT of fun to write, even though she’s very challenging to…maneuver around, narratively speaking, if that makes sense, lol….but like, yeah, I have a blast writing her.

The main Alicia, the one who’s always front and center, is snarky but never in a mean-spirited way. More like….her mind is always twenty steps ahead of everyone around her, sometimes literally, lol, and so she rolls her eyes a lot and sometimes makes a show of being exasperated that she has to slow down and wait for everyone to catch up, but its not because of “oh I think everyone but me is so stupid” or anything like that, its usually just….pure impatience on her part.

The second she figures something out she wants to go, go, go, move on to wherever that leads. She winds up getting in various less than totally safe situations purely because she doesn’t want to stop and grab someone to go along with her when checking something out, but also just because the nature of her magic means she’s never truly completely on her own, and she sometimes forgets to factor that in, or remember that her other selves aren’t usually physically present and able to help her out of a jam.

She’s so used to their presences that every so often she just genuinely forgets that they’re not right there in the room with her, which has caused some confusion to more than one person when meeting her for the first time and realizing those silent movie-style images of her are actually real and she’s actually communicating with them, not just talking to thin air.

Fortunately, she’s smart and capable in her own right, so when you multiply that by a factor of twelve to fifteen similar minds all attuned to all of their best interests….there’s very few situations she isn’t capable of getting out of on her own. Not that this makes her big brother facepalm any less when she blithely handwaves off a recent escapade as no big deal and something she has no idea why he’s getting so worked up about.

(I mean, she does totally get his concerns and isn’t lacking in self-awareness, its just that she’s also committed to giving him gray hairs before he’s forty. She is, among other things, still a little sister after all.)

Due to her many alternate selves, and the vast array of personality differences between each of them, that many of her close friends are at least aware of by proxy, given that even though they can’t hear her other selves, they’ve all heard her casually talk about them often enough to know them in a sense as well….

Anyway, so a lot of Changelings have nicknames based on their Changes or magic, and she’s no exception. She goes by her own name and just introduces herself as Alicia, but its not uncommon to hear others address her as or reference her as ‘Sybil.’

When asked how she feels about that name, she tends to just shrug and stare off into the distance contemplatively. “I don’t know,” she’ll say at last. “Part of me loves it, and part of me hates it.”

And then she’ll just grin as everyone around her just groans, because she’s just Like This, and just looooves being literal in little ways like that - given that she’s literally acknowledging that half of her alternates feel the one way, and the other half feel the other way.

Another common line of hers is something like “Hey, I’m only problematic on Thursdays,” or “that wasn’t me, that was Alicia Number Nine, its not my fault she hates you.”

Her magic is just weird enough and behaves just erratically and unexpectedly enough, that its hard to be entirely sure when she’s just bullshitting you and when she might actually be telling the truth and some weird power snafu had one of the other Alicias in her body the last time you interacted with her and she was short with you.

There’s never a dull moment with her.

#changelings 'verse

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