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buckybarnesalways · 3 years

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Title: could we both stop keeping score

Warnings: mentions of suicide attempt,relapse, and slight past homophobia

Title is from would you come home by Tyler Blackburn

Part 4 of my Tarlos series

The next morning Carlos woke up and for a moment he forgot that TK wasn't there with him. Groaning to himself he hauled himself out of bed and stumbled his way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror he sighed, he was a mess. If he looked and felt this horrible he could just imagine how TK must be feeling. He hated himself for being away from his boyfriend but every time he thought of TK his heart was overcome with inescapable fear. Frustrated, he stormed back into his bedroom just as his phone pinged with a new message. Sitting down on the bed, he picked up his phone.

"Hi babe!" The message read.

Smiling to himself, Carlos typed his response, "Hi yourself, beautiful."

His finger hovered over the send button. Was this really going to be the way he greeted his boyfriend after he had, by all accounts, been dead? Tossing his phone next to him on the bed, the message unsent, he scrubbed a hand down his face wishing that he could just make his worries disappear.

TKs heart shattered when no reply came through. I've really done it this time he thought to himself? The love of my life can't even stand to speak to me. Why did he have to be found? It would have saved everyone the pain of having to deal with him.

Having been unhooked from all the machines late the night before, he climbed out of his bed and walked over to the window. He laid his head against the cool glass and began to cry. He wanted so badly to run to Carlos, throw his arms around him and never let go. Unfortunately though after an attempt like he had made, they kept you in the hospital for a few days to make sure you were stable enough to go home and not try again. The door to his room opened and his heart soared and then crashed just as quickly when he saw it was only his doctor.

"Hey there TK." Dr. Jones said in an overly cheerful voice.

"Hi there, doc." TK answered, wiping his eyes as he shuffled over to the bed and sat down.

"How are you feeling this morning?" his doctor asked.

That was a loaded question, he wanted to say he was feeling great but that would be a lie so he answered as truthfully as he could.

"I feel like I've ruined the best thing I've ever had in my entire life and it's like the one person who I need the most is never going to be able to forgive me or himself."

"Who are we talking about?" Dr Jones questioned.

TK glanced around nervously. He always hated questions like these, he never knew how people would react when he told them he was gay.

"Ummm..." he began "my boyfriend, Carlos."

He refused to look up at the doctor, terrified that this doctor would be like so many others and try to blame his problems on the fact he was homosexual.

"Carlos... Is that the nice young man that sat with you while we waited for you to wake up?" the doctor replied.

TK looked up finally and smiled shyly to himself.

"Was he devastatingly handsome, the sweetest soul you ever could meet and……. Absolutely in love with you?" dr jones interrupted.

TK blushed.

"Yeah that sounds like my guy." he answered.

"Why do you think you've ruined things with him?"

TK sighed, "He blames himself for what I did, we had an argument and I ran out. In his mind though, if we never would have fought then I never would have tried to hurt myself..."

"I see..." the doctor replied, "And was he the reason?"

"No!" TK said quickly, "Well i mean…. I don't blame him for it. I blame my ex."

He groaned inwardly and he ruined things again...

Before either man could speak again, a nurse entered, informing TK that he had a visitor. TK’s heart pounded as he waited for whoever it was that had come to see him. He never expected to see Alex walk through his door.

"Seriously" TK sighed, "Haven't you done enough?"

"TK," Alex began, "I went by the firehouse and I heard what happened and -"

TK cut him off, "And what? You wanted to come here and rub it in my face that even after all this time you can still cause me so much pain?

No, that's not it at all, TK!" Alex answered, "i wanted to come and apologize..."

TK looked at Alex incredulously. "You're joking right?"

"I never should have come back here looking for you." The other man spoke. "We were not good for each other. I guess I just wanted to feel loved again after what happened with Mitchell..." Alex replied. "I guess I hoped that you would still feel something because i hated myself for throwing away something that was real for something that i wished was there. I’m so sorry TK, for everything. For coming back here, for hurting you, for cheating on you, all of it. I know you'll probably never believe me but it's the truth and to make it up to you. I'm going back to New York tonight and i'll never bother you again."

Tk looked away biting his lip.

"It wasn't all you, Alex. I knew things were bad, i just didnt wanna accept it. I should have let you go way before that night. I know that now..."

"TK, I really do wish nothing but the best for you and i hope that i didn't ruin that chance for you. " Alex said sincerely.

"I think that was all me, Alex. I just pray that Carlos can forgive me. I don't know what i'll do if he doesn't..."

"Carlos? Is that your boyfriend?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, he's the love of my life... I didn't know what love was until i met him, no offence." he said.

"None taken." Alex replied, "Look I'm gonna get out of here and leave you alone."

He stepped forward extending his hand, "Goodbye, TK."

He hesitated for a moment before shaking Alex's hand goodbye. Letting his hand fall back to his side he watched his ex walk out the door. Sitting back down, he resigned himself to doing whatever it took to get out of the hospital and back home. Even though he wasn't completely sure where that was anymore.

Three days. That's how long they kept him but it was finally the day they were going to release him. He still hadn't heard from Carlos so his dad was picking him up. He walked out to the waiting area and smiled when he saw Judd waiting there.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as he walked up.

"Hey brother!" Judd said, reaching out and taking his bag from him, "Your dad is talking with the docs. Soon as he's done we can get out of here."

"That doesn't answer my question, Judd." TK smiled.

"I asked to tag along today, wanted to see you walk out of here myself."

Owen walked up and gave his son a hug.

"All set? Let's head home."

The three of them walked out the hospital doors, TK opened his mouth to ask his dad if he had talked to Carlos but before he could Owen turned to him.

"I called him, TK, and told him you were coming home today. I'm sorry i couldn't bring him here for you."

"It’s ok, Dad, I told him he could take as much time as needed. He’ll talk to me when he's ready." TK answered back.

At that moment there was a shaky voice from behind them.

"Hey..." the voice spoke.

TK's eyes grew wide as he spun around, coming face to face with Carlos. He looked smaller than TK had ever seen him, almost as if he was trying to shrink into himself, his gaze focused on his feet, refusing to look at TK.

"Hey back." TK said.

Carlos dared a glance up and it almost broke TK. Those eyes that were always so full of strength were filled with tears and fear.

"Ummm I'm really sorry I'm late, Ty..." Carlos said to him.

TK knew he wasn't just referring to today.

"We’ll give you two some time." Owen told his son walking away with judd.

Both men stood there looking at each other, neither one of them saying a word.

TK was the first to break the silence, "I'm so glad to see you, I've missed you."

Carlos’ eyes filled with sadness.

"I should have been here sooner, I know but I needed to say my peace to you and I wanted you to be able to scream at me and hate me without hindering your recovery."

TK swallowed hard before he spoke, "Why would I need to scream at you."

"I've made my decision, Tyler..." Carlos whispered.

"Oh.", was the only word TK could manage to say, "I see...

#tarlos #911 lone star #ronen rubinstein #rafael silva #tarlos fic

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