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wongyuuu · 3 months

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midnight rain | lsm

pairing: seokmin x f!reader genre: angst, smut, a little bit of fluff word count: 17k summary: after seven years away, you finally return home. meeting seokmin again wasn't in your plans, but life wasn't willing to let you have it your way. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, oral, swearing, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (don't do this) a/n: this is part of 1k event, it was requested the dearest @ressonancee. but also, it's part of svt ans songs from midnights. i just wrote two in one and something that was supposed to be short became this monster. i hope i wrote seokmin in a way you'll like it. prompt: “I don’t want anyone else. No one else can make me feel like you do." Seokmin ➝ Midnight Rain He was sunshine, I was midnight rain ↳ it was the oldest story in the world, the bright boy fell for the grumpy girl.

Letter #1

Seokmin,

You know, I've always been very proud of not being a very attached person. I've always been proud that I can put myself first and second, because I know I need to do it, because I know that no one else will do it for me. So, when I came here and dropped everything I had, I thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

When I turn around in bed at night, after days of trying to get used to the time zone and weeks to the weather and the people here — which are both bad and for completely different reasons, nothing is like in the movies — I always hope to find you there by my side and being able to snuggle up to you like I always did. I wake up in the morning and make enough coffee for two people and take two mugs out of the cupboard, and only then do I realize I'm alone here. I don't need two mugs and I made too much coffee. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I find myself typing your number, which I have memorized despite the fact that no one remembers phone numbers, because phones exist for a reason.

You have no idea how much I miss you and what I would do to be able to hear your voice again. I would do anything, I swear I could. But I know I no longer have that right. I know that what I did is unforgivable and although I want your forgiveness, I hope you never forget what I did to you.

You were still good to me on the last day. You took me to the airport, you said goodbye to me, you hugged me tight like you know I like it and you did your best not to shed a tear in front of me.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking that I messed up. I could have done my master's where we graduated, I didn't need to move to the other side of the world and leave the life I knew behind. But at the same time, I accept it. Coming here was my dream, it was always what I dreamed of even when you were by my side as well. And maybe that's why I never told you about the application, about being approved. Maybe I waited until the end, until the very last second to tell you because I knew you were the only one capable of changing my mind.

When I was by your side, I started to dream of a different life, a life that had you at all times and in all aspects. But, as you may have already noticed, I chose my first dream.

I know I won't regret it. I can't afford to regret it. You’ll become who you always wanted to be and I’ll be there to give you a standing ovation. Not there, next to you, but from afar.

“That was Sunday Morning, by Hong Joshua. Ah, whenever I hear this song I remember my college days. I've said this here a few times, and I think I sound like a broken record by this point, but Joshua and I went to the same college and he was always singing this song in the hallways. Any small gathering between friends he would pull out the guitar and sing. So I'm sorry, but you're going to have to listen to this song at least once a week for the next year. Or until he releases the next one.”

Seokmin looked at the monitor to his right as a pre-recorded commercial for the next show started. The comments were going up too quickly, which made reading them an almost impossible mission.

On the other side of the glass, Chan made a sign indicating that the commercial was over. Seokmin looked at his friend as he lowered one finger after another and finally pointed at him. Chan placed a sheet of paper, which was always used, against the glass, which said “last, chat”. Indicating that he still had one more question to answer.

“We have time for one more question” Seokmin said, opening the internal chat he used with the other radio employees and read the question that Chan had sent “I ended a relationship of almost four years a few months ago, but I still can't understand what happened. I haven't even returned his things yet. How do I get in touch saying I want to return it?”

Seokmin swallowed. He knew that Chan hadn't done it on purpose, that he had no way of knowing everything that had happened between him and you, but he hated how much the question resonated in his head. It was a feeling he shared and for him it had been a little worse because you lived together during your last year of college. So when he entered the house and saw all the furniture, the decorations, your clothes still in the closet, it was like entering a time machine. In that 30 square meter space, for a few minutes, you still hadn't left.

He took a deep breath, away from the microphone so the sound wouldn't be picked, and leaned forward.

“It's a difficult question, really. If it's been a few months and he still hasn't picked his things up, it's because he doesn't need them, so I don't think you should bother contacting him. Hmmm”

He bit his lip and rested his elbows on the table, thinking if he should continue talking or if it would be better to stop there. Seokmin always thought it was better not to let personal feelings show on the radio, but he had moments when he couldn't follow his own rules.

“I can tell you from experience that sometimes silence is better. Because if you know the truth, it could hurt you even more. When I was in a similar situation, after a while I simply discarded the person's belongings. At first, it will be difficult, because you’ll see that shirt you gave as a gift, that letter you wrote and remember what it meant, the moment you gave those things to him. But little by little you will achieve it. Don't feel obligated to just move on when you're not ready. People will always tell you that it's about time, that it's been so many weeks or months. You’re the one who knows about your feelings.”

Chan knocked on the glass again, almost desperate because Seokmin's answer had been too long. It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost in what he was saying and maybe had been talking in circles. It always happened that he remembered you when he answered a question.

And in that specific question he was being a hypocrite because he knew that if he opened his closet, deep inside it, he would find at least two boxes full of your things hidden. He rarely went near those boxes, he liked to pretend they didn't exist and most days he managed to achieve that thought. But there were other days…

“So we come to the end of another Cupid's Corner with Minnie. See you again next week. Cupid’s Corner with Minnie: Unveiling Love’s Melody, One Relationship at a Time!”

Seokmin removed his headphones, stood up, and waved at the cameras he knew were pointed at him. He grabbed his phone and the bottle of water he always carried with him. The red light above the door finally went out and Seokmin left the studio.

Immediately, Chan appeared beside him. He had just gone blond, and it strangely suited him.

He knew the youngest was desperate, not that he was doing a good job of hiding it. The disheveled hair, pointing in all directions, also helped a lot.

“You’re going to have a heart attack if you continue like this” Seokmin said laughing.

Chan was the newest employee, handpicked by Seokmin a few months before. Seokmin needed someone to help him organize the broadcasts after his previous assistant quit because she had gotten a job in the field she had studied. Seokmin even talked to her and offered a higher salary that would come out of his own pocket, but nothing seemed to help. Not that he blamed her, in her place he would have done the same thing. But in the position he was in, changes made him uncomfortable so he did what he could to make sure everything stayed the same.

Maybe it was trauma.

“It’s because they yell at me, not you.”

One of the reasons Seokmin chose Chan as his new assistant was his sincerity. In the middle of the interview he “I think there are things in your program that need to change” and started listing things that he thought were dated or ideas that had been used too much and therefore didn't have the same effect on listeners. The others had found him presumptuous as if he wanted to know more than those who worked at the radio. Seokmin disagreed and that's how Chan got the job.

“They yell at you because you’re the new guy, no one yelled at Jiah”

Chan made a sound in the back of his throat, like a scoff.

“That's because everyone was afraid of her” Seokmin rolled his eyes and reached for the folder Chan was carrying “Oh, right. Tomorrow is your lecture for the communication classes, but they said it is possible that students from other courses will also be there, because it’llll be in the auditorium”

Seokmin nodded, reading the guidelines Chan had made. He needed to admit that he was organized and had absolute control over everything he did. He was sure that if he asked about Wonwoo's program, Chan would know how to answer as if he worked directly with him.

“You know how it is, I have fans” Chan pretended to vomit “If you go tomorrow, we’ll go out to dinner later, I’ll pay”

"Deal"

Seokmin always found it strange to be called to give lectures at the college where he studied. He wasn't a teacher and he didn't think he had done enough to be someone who could give advice to someone. In fact, Seokmin was sure he hadn't done anything big. His life, to put it very simply, was flat. At least, almost all of his life.

Seokmin has always been the type of guy who makes plans and follows through on those plans. When he was sixteen he got it into his head that he wanted to work in radio. It wasn't without reasons, of course. He joined the school radio and despite doing very little, because the school director had to know everything that would be done, even the nouns he would use in the sentence, he fell in love with the idea. That's why he decided he should study journalism in college, that way even if his radio career didn't work out, he would still have a profession.

But his dream was to work on a radio, to have his own program. So that's what he did.

He entered college as planned, sunk into student debt, and graduated exactly as he had planned. In his last semester, he got an internship at the biggest radio station in the country. He was on cloud nine. It was as if he had received the green light in life and everything was on the right track.

At least that's what he thought. At least that was what he had forced himself to believe. The internship became a permanent position and one day he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That's why he never felt prepared to give anyone advice. Despite having decided on the career he wanted to pursue, he knew that he also needed to count on a little luck and help. The only words he could offer were “you work hard, study, make contacts, and throw the rest into luck’s hands”. It wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to hear when he was a student looking forward to the future, so he certainly wouldn't say it to anyone.

However, Chan convinced him that it would be a good idea to give the talk.

“You’re going to tell me how you got here, that’s all. An unknown face who quickly went on air to cover someone for one of the most beloved radio broadcasters in the country. I'm sure if you say that shit fell on your head, they'll like it” Chan had said laughing.

Overall the lecture went very well. Better than expected. He answered the questions as honestly as possible and used his best smile to get rid of the more awkward questions.

Despite the good day, he knew he didn't want to repeat the dose anytime soon.

“They want to know if you would be willing to do one of these a semester” Chan whispered because he knew the answer Seokmin would give, so it was better for the students not to hear.

“No” was all Seokmin said “But I’ll still buy you dinner”

Chan punched the air in celebration, catching the eyes of those around him, but he seemed to care very little.

"I just…"

What Seokmin was about to say, an announcement that he needed to go to the bathroom, died in his throat as he looked straight ahead.

Letter #2

Seokmin,

I thought I would be able to adapt faster here. It was very hard in the beginning with transport, getting around in general was very difficult. So I chose a weekend and went walking around the neighborhood where I live. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I thought I should check it out. Besides, I can wake up in the middle of the night and decide that I want to eat something that I don't have at home, so it's good to know if there are any stores or markets that open in the middle of the night (in this neighborhood there aren't any, maybe that's why I won’t stay here).

I discovered that going out there, although productive, wasn't such a good idea. Nothing wrong happened, I didn't get hit on or someone was rude to me. Quite the contrary, most people pretended they weren't even seeing me. The problem was that everything made me think about you.

I walked by the store that sold a lot of random old things and decided to go in. You know I love filling the house with trinkets. I didn't find anything there that I liked, but I saw that they were selling camera films. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened and all I could think was, I think Seokmin is running out of film, I need to buy more because he will only realize when he doesn't have any left.

I bought it and brought it to the apartment. I opened the door and called your name. It was only later, when I noticed where I was, that it wasn't our apartment, that I realized what I had done.

Even without meaning to, even when I try not to, I find myself looking for you. Everywhere. I go to a restaurant and think about what you would like to eat, I see a dog on the street and I imagine you bending down to pet it. It's not on purpose, I just can't help it. I try, but it's in vain.

I wonder if it will pass. Will this feeling that I succeeded in my career but ruined my personal life disappear or will I feel like this forever — or at least for a good few years?

yn.

It was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs and there was no way in the world to get you to breathe.

Somehow, some way, Seokmin was standing in front of you, in the middle of the college hallway.

For a moment it was as if you had been transported back in time, to when you were still 22 years old. In another moment you would have simply run up to him and thrown yourself into his arms as if you hadn't spent the whole night clinging to him, as if you hadn't seen each other before classes, as if you hadn't shared the smallest space in the world on the subway for 20 minutes. And your body seemed to remember all of this, like some kind of muscle memory, because you felt like you were being projected forward. Towards him.

You thought Seokmin would talk to you, you were sure he would. But you saw the way his gaze changed, the way it went from complete surprise to a hard look, completely different from anything you had ever seen from him.

In your memory, Seokmin was always brilliant and was always willing to welcome everyone with open arms, even when he felt more shy. You didn’t understand, that look he gave you was completely different from what you imagined could happen.

When you made the decision to return, you knew that there was a possibility of meeting Seokmin, no matter how small it was. You didn't know if he was still friends with the same people, if he still kept in touch with them. You certainly hadn't kept in touch with anyone - except for the two times you talked to Joshua. The possibility existed, but being realistic you knew it was as big as winning the lottery.

Of all the places you thought you could find Seokmin, college was the last one and maybe that was even why you accepted the job. When you were taking the last tests, the ones that would say whether you would graduate at the end of the semester or not, Seokmin was categorical in saying that he would never set foot inside college again. So you thought it was a place he would never go, but there he was. And in your first week, when you needed everything to go well. Not to show that you were ready and that you could do the job, but to reassure yourself that you had made the right choice in accepting the job.

You didn't have time to decide whether to talk to him or not. Seokmin made the decision for both of you. He continued walking as if you weren't there, talking to the boy next to him, laughing. The only indication that he knew who you were was silent once and one that only you could distinguish.

He turned around and left as if nothing had happened.

Was it possible that only you had felt that way? That just your heart had decided it didn't know how to beat, as if a storm was raging inside your body?

You didn't have time to analyze what had just happened. You just forced yourself to take a deep breath and also keep walking as if those brief seconds weren't enough to make your entire world turn completely upside down.

Seokmin dragged his feet into the room, tripping over the rug at the foot of the bed. A curse came out of his mouth, followed by a burp. When he invited Chan to dinner he had no intention of ending the night drunk, being carried home like someone who had just had his first drink.

It had been years since he had gotten that bad and it was comical that the previous occasion was also connected to you.

The memory of leaving you at the airport, on a flight in the middle of the night, was still vivid in Seokmin's mind. Worse than that memory, was the one of you telling him that you had gotten a place in a master's degree on the other side of the world, 18 hours before leaving the country.

“I need to tell you something” you said as he pulled his coat over his head and patted his pockets, making sure he had grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. He needed to leave as quickly as possible, he was already late.

Seokmin had plans to ask you to marry him. He had rented a house where you could spend the weekend, where it would be possible to see the stars. He had prepared himself, but he needed to leave right that second so he would have enough time to go to the house, get everything ready and come back to get you. The owner of the house would help him, since Seokmin decided that he wouldn't tell any of his friends because they might just ruin the surprise.

“I'm already late” he said, quickly looking at his watch. "Did something happen?"

He asked, noticing your already somewhat desperate look. He knew that whatever had happened couldn't be good.

To be honest, he had noticed that something was wrong a few weeks before, and for a while, he decided it would be better not to get into it too much. He knew you well enough to know that you would offer the information when you felt ready to do so. But thinking back on everything, he wished he had asked before, he wished he hadn't given you space, he wished he had forced you to talk to him sooner.

“I passed my master’s degree abroad”

Seokmin’s first reaction was to be happy for you. He knew how much you wanted that, that it was your dream. So he did what any boyfriend would do, he hugged you and congratulated you, told you that you had tried so hard and that they would be idiots not to accept you. The feeling was true and his smile was genuine. He was happy for you.

Knowing what he knew, every now and then Seokmin wondered if he would have done anything differently if he knew what the next words would be out of your mouth. He could have made a fuss, he could have begged you to stay, he could have offered to go with you. But at the time he didn't do any of that.

“I’m leaving today, I need to be at the airport at 11 pm”

Seokmin's ears rang deafeningly. It was as if he had been punched and needed to brace himself against something. The sofa was the closest piece of furniture.

He thought he heard it wrong, he wished he was dreaming, but all he had to do was look at you. It was true. It was as if a puzzle was being completed in Seokmin's mind. The way you had suddenly become distant, how every time he entered the room you hurried to change or close whatever you were looking at on the computer. He didn't even know you signed up. He imagined that you must have done some kind of test, some interview and he didn't even know anything about it.

He had no idea.

Had he been a bad boyfriend, someone who was so focused on making the long-awaited proposal that he had ignored everything else? Or had you hidden it so well that he hadn't noticed?

"What? You’re leaving today?"

It was like the world was spinning too fast and he was trying to keep up with what was happening. It was like being on a roller coaster that kept on falling. He remembered well how the little box with the ring he had carefully chosen weighed in his pocket.

“I didn’t even know you had applied for a position” he whispered, almost just to himself “You didn’t tell me”

And it was at that exact moment, when he looked at you, that Seokmin realized that your relationship was over. You avoided looking at him, your hands were buried deep in the pockets of your coat, which was his. He saw your eyes fill with tears, you swallow hard, and remain silent.

It was unlike you, to stay quiet when you had too many things going through your head. He desperately wanted you to talk to him, to tell him what had been going through your head. He just wanted to understand. Did you believe he would somehow stop you from going? If there was one thing he knew about you, it was the fact that you always put your education first. It wasn't a secret and you didn't want it to be. He just didn't expect things to happen that way.

Seokmin sat in front of the closet, on the floor, and with difficulty opened the doors. Deep in the back, behind several shoe boxes, were two old boxes that he hadn't moved in years. Part of him wished the things inside the boxes were ruined, that they had mold and anything else that could ruin its content. But he had been careful, kept everything in order, taken all necessary precautions, and cleaned the closet periodically.

He ignored the first box and pulled the smaller one towards him, placing it on his bent legs. Seokmin wasn't one to revisit those memories, he liked to keep them as far away from him as possible, but on nights like those, it was impossible.

Seokmin knew what he would find and was sure how he would feel, but he still took the lid off the box, but he didn't dare take out any of the items inside it.

He knew he had reached his lowest point when he was holding on to memories he had of you and not focusing on what was actually happening in his life.

Letter #3

Seokmin,

I talked to Joshua today. Talk is a bit too strong of a word. We exchanged a few words on Instagram. He posted a photo and I liked it, he sent me a DM asking if I was ok and how things were going. I lied, of course. He said everything was fine and he was happy. He didn't talk about you and I didn't ask.

It was very hard to contain myself. I want to know how you are. The more selfish part of my brain wants you to be just as bad as I feel. You know that little demon that sits on our shoulder? He assures me you're even worse. And I hate to think that's the case, but at the same time, I'm sure you're not okay. I know you, we dated for four years, we lived together for almost two years

You were always the more emotional one of the two of us. You were never afraid to show your feelings, not for me or anyone else. You always loved so openly, without any fear. I admit that at first, it scared me a little.

I was an 18-year-old girl who came from a family that had no idea how to show affection, so I was always more reserved in that aspect. And there you were with your beautiful, bright smile, with open arms, affectionate with anyone who came along. I thought you were a crazy person who didn't have the slightest notion of the world. It took a while for me to realize that your world was brighter than mine in ways I couldn't understand.

You were always so untethered, free, showing yourself to anyone who had eyes. When I was closed and more reclusive, you were open and expansive. When I was very shy or reserved, you were more charming and brighter than usual. Not even my worst mood, which seemed endless at times, was a problem for you.

One day you just showed up and decided that you would stay by my side, no matter what. Believe me when I say, I tried to push you away. But with each passing day you were further under my skin.

A kiss at a random party turned into a date at every party, parties became meetings at the college library, which led to coffee dates. One day you decided at the end of each date you had to take me back to the dorms and you kissed me for a long time on the side of the building where no one could see — or at least I made myself believe no one did. Then that alone wasn't enough and you were always with your fingers intertwined with mine, or your arm around my waist. And kisses were no longer reserved for empty streets, of course not. You kissed me anywhere, anytime, no matter who was watching.

You were sneaky, Seokmin.

When I realized it, I was in love with you. Your arms were my refuge. You were my safe space. My home.

yn.

You hated that Seokmin’s reaction, or lack thereof, had gotten to you so much. It was like being punched, and then one more, soon the punch became a beating and to finish with a flourish, it was as if a truck had run over you.

You had plans to go out at the weekend, though alone. Everything was so different, the places you knew no longer existed and friends from the past no longer spoke to you. You would have to rediscover the city without anyone's help. Despite your plans, you couldn't bring yourself to leave the house.

When you decided to return, you knew there would be no way to escape Seokmin. He had become successful not only in his career as a broadcaster but also as a celebrity of sorts. You never imagined you would see his face in magazines or on billboards selling fried chicken. You didn't expect that when you turned on the TV you would see his face in different programs.

In fact, you knew all of that was happening, but somehow you managed to convince yourself that you wouldn't have to see any of it. You managed to make yourself believe that you would not be haunted by his images and voice.

When you were away, you always listened to his programs, more than once each one, but it was almost like a relationship between fan and celebrity. You could separate very well what was him and what was you. But being there, in the same country, in the same city, it was much more difficult to make that separation.

Because once you were back, Seokmin was no longer just the radio host with a show about relationships. Far from it. Seokmin was your college sweetheart, the guy whose heart you broke but who, even after seven years, was still in love with.

That was the reality. you were still in love with him. There was no relationship in the world, no man in the world, that would have made you forget about Seokmin. Sometimes it worked, sometimes you managed to forget about him for a few months and that feeling of loss, of emptiness, that had settled deep inside your heart became smaller and smaller. And then it would come back full on as if it had never left.

Maybe that was your curse, your punishment for leaving behind someone you could have spent the rest of your life with. And somehow you knew you would have been happy. Or at least a different kind of happiness.

After spending the weekend holed up inside your apartment, after convincing yourself that you needed to prepare for teaching classes and unpacking the move, she decided that on Tuesday night she would explore the city.

Exploring wasn't the right word. You had discovered that one of your favorite restaurants still existed, it had just changed location. And, despite being on the other side of the city and being completely aware that you would have to pay a fortune for a taxi or risk taking the subway alone almost at closing time, you decided to go anyway.

You needed to feel like one thing hadn't changed, or at least still be recognizable.

You heard your name being called a few minutes after sitting down. You raised your head, recognizing the voice, but couldn't tell who it belonged to. Directly in front of you was a woman, with short hair, in her fifties.

“It’s really you!”

You stood up and a second later you were being hugged. Maybe you had gone there for that reason, knowing that there would be someone there who would recognize you. Or at least you hoped there was. And when you were welcomed with open arms by her owner, Niah, you wanted to cry for the first time in a long time.

“Hi” was all you could offer, your voice weak.

You quickly turned your face away, trying to be discreet as you wiped away your tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front of someone else. Tears were reserved for dark moments in the silence of your apartment, they weren't meant to be seen by people you didn't even know in a crowded restaurant.

“Look how beautiful you look. You haven't been around for so long. Seokmin told us that you had gone abroad to study, but I thought you would come back sooner.”

You just managed to smile, even though it was embarrassing. It was strange to hear his name coming out of someone else's mouth so easily. For years, his name was just an echo in your own mind, almost as if it were a fantasy of yours.

There were days when you managed to convince yourself of this, that Seokmin was nothing more than a dream.

“Are you just visiting or are you back to stay?”

“I'm staying” you said after a second, when you managed to find your voice again “I got a job here, I have nowhere to run”

Niah laughed and hugged you once again, tighter this time.

"Great, that makes me happy. We always miss you” Niah smiled and ran her fingers down your cheeks, brushing away some tears that were stubborn to fall “What do you want to eat? Today it's on the house. Consider it a welcome gift.”

You took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat and the remaining tears.

"What do you recommend?"

The amazing thing about meeting Niah again was that she still acted exactly the same way. She didn't see you as someone who had simply packed a suitcase of clothes and left the country overnight. To Niah you were still that same person from 7 years ago who ate whatever she put in front of. You and Seokmin were always guinea pigs for all the new recipes.

The food was still wonderful, if anything it had just gotten better.

You had a fork halfway to your mouth when you heard the door open, the sound of the bell indicating the entry of a new customer. You almost instinctively turned to look. You choked on your own saliva when your eyes met Seokmin's.

It was as if you were back in the hallway that day. Your heart simply stopped, and the world fell into suspension. For a moment, it was as if you had been transported to the past. You were almost certain that if you looked at the table you would see books open next to the cutlery; you knew that if you looked at Seokmin for another second or two his face would break into the most beautiful smile, he would wave and call your name.

But your illusion shattered into small pieces as his neutral expression contorted into a frown. With the same foot he entered he turned to leave.

“Seokmin!” you called him, getting up from your chair.

Part of you thought he was going to continue out the door, but he stopped. Half of his body was outside the restaurant, the other inside.

“Hurry up and close that door!” Niah said leaving the kitchen “You’re letting out all the heat”

Even with Niah's voice calling him, Seokmin remained standing at the door. You sat back down, but without taking your eyes off him. He didn't know what he expected of him, but he felt an indescribable relief when Niah pulled him by the sleeve of his coat and forced him to sit in front of you.

“The restaurant is packed, so you will have to share a table” she said as she turned her back.

Seokmin shook his head, clearly against sitting there, staying in the restaurant, but he still took off his coat and hung it on the chair before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.

It was clear he was working out, his shoulders had gotten broader and his arms bigger since you last saw each other. You almost laughed at the pose, remembering all the times you had seen him in a similar situation. But this wasn't the time to laugh when everything else was screaming that he was uncomfortable with the situation, that he didn't want to be there.

It didn't take a genius to know that Seokmin wanted nothing to do with you. His reaction to seeing you in the hallway the week before and the way he was looking at you in that moment were enough answers.

You felt like the walls were closing in around you and there wasn't enough air in the room.

What were you thinking when you called his name? What were you thinking when you silently watched Niah pull him inside? Why were you still sitting there?

A waiter who worked with Niah passed by your table and you called him discreetly, not wanting to attract the attention of the restaurant owner.

“Can you wrap everything to go, please?” you turned to Seokmin “You can have the table. I was already leaving”

It was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.

Seokmin laughed lowly, scornfully, his sideways smile making the hair on your arms stand on end. In general, Seokmin has always been the type of guy who didn’t lose his cool easily, who would always rather let things go than have any kind of confrontation. But when he really got stressed out or nervous, it took a while for him to calm down again.

You had seen that storm in his eyes very few times in the years you spent together. The last one was when he went to the airport to say goodbye to you. That day the storm was just confusion and pain, you knew you had done that to him. But he sat there in the restaurant, in front of you, in silence while the people around him chatted animatedly, completely oblivious to what was happening between the two of you.

"What it was?" you rolled your eyes.

“Ah, nothing” he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture “It’s just like you to do that”

You narrowed your eyes at the same time you felt your cheeks get hot.

"Do what?"

"Runaway"

Letter #4

Seokmin,

It took me almost a year to convince myself that it was okay for me to look at social media. I convinced myself that every woman does this, that every now and then we look at our ex-boyfriend's Instagram, just to find out if his new girlfriend is ugly. I've told you this several times, but every female experience is universal.

I wish you were one of those low profile people, who post a picture every 6 months and it's a cut mango on a pretty plate. I wish you hadn't posted so many pictures. But more than anything, I wish I hadn't spent hours and hours looking at the photos. I wish I hadn't been analyzing every photo of you, I wish I hadn't thought “that's a new mole” and wondered which others had appeared since the last time we saw each other.

I had memorized every mole of yours. On your face, on your arms, on your back. On the worst days, when I missed you in a way that almost made me give up everything and go home, I kept remembering each one of them. I tried to remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, how you stroked my hair until I fell asleep when it wasn't a good day.

I keep wondering if one day this feeling will just go away.

It's been a year since I left. I went out with other guys, and I almost dated one of them, but you're always there in the back of my mind, almost comically because even against my will I can't help but compare them to you. I can't help but think that only you know how I like my coffee, how only you know that if I'm in my worst mood, there's no joke in the world that can make me laugh.

I know it's not fair to them. I gave you the chance to get to know me, I allowed you to get closer. I wanted you to come closer to me. Now I wonder if you're doing this for someone other than me.

I like to imagine that you also compare other women to me, that even now that you're dating I stay there, in the back of your mind, making fun of you.

Unfortunately, she's not ugly, but your smile was brighter when I was next to you.

yn.

To say that Seokmin had spent the rest of the week in an envious mood was an understatement. He was stressed and everyone around him soon noticed the change. He really tried not to let his personal life get in the way of his work. It was something he never struggled with. Work was work, what happened when the lights went out and he left the radio should never cross paths with each other. That week, however, it was impossible.

Meeting you at the restaurant caught him off guard. That day in the college hallway had been difficult, but he managed to just keep walking as if nothing had happened. He liked to pretend like he hadn't gone out with Chan right after and drank like there was no tomorrow, like he hadn't opened the boxes he had kept for years and cried while looking at the photos of the two of you together.

He had gone to the restaurant that day because he needed some form of comfort and didn't want to call any of his friends because he knew he would end up telling them everything that happened and would receive advice and words he would rather not hear. The restaurant was the best idea he had. Or maybe the worst possible one.

Maybe he had done it consciously, because he wanted to see you one more time, and wanted to make sure he hadn't imagined you. It wouldn't have been the first time.

In the first few months after you left, Seokmin got into the habit of visiting places he went with you, or places you liked to go alone. It was probably a form of torture, but he liked to imagine it was a way to forget and overcome the breakup. On several of those days, he believed he saw you. He realistically knew it wasn't you, he clearly remembered seeing you get on the plane and waited until it took off to leave the airport.

The worst thing that could have happened to him was you calling for him. Seokmin couldn't help but wonder if he had always reacted that way to you, if your presence was always so great that before he even saw you he knew you were nearby. That day, as soon as he opened the door, before he even saw you sitting there with your eyes wide open, he knew. He knew you were there.

The last thing he expected from you was you saying his name, as if asking him to sit with you, that Niah, knowing how the relationship had ended, would have made him sit in front of you.

Seokmin noticed your discomfort, the way your spine had become a little straighter, the way your eyes were hard and cautious at the same time. Your reaction made him angry. What right did you have to behave that way, as if you were hurt when all the decisions regarding a relationship both of you were in had been made by you?

You were the one who signed up for a master's degree abroad. It was you who never told him about your decision. It was you who kept everything secret, making him believe that the two of you were on the same page and that despite your different goals, you would be able to pursue them together.

Turns out he was wrong, those dreams were just his and didn't include him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chan asked for the thousandth time.

For the first time in a long time, Seokmin was having a hard time hiding how he really felt. That polished, carefully carved mask had fallen. It was a completely atypical day and everyone was able to notice his sudden change in mood. Even Chan, who normally did a great job of ignoring all the problems around him and focusing solely on his work, seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.

“It’s really obvious, isn’t it?” Seokmin asked in a low voice and Chan just nodded "And if I pretend it's because of the new segment, will anyone believe it?"

Again, Chan nodded. Since he had started the program, 3 years before, Seokmin would receive calls and speak directly to listeners. Although there were always interactions, those were always done through live chat and email when he received questions or stories from people who were not listening to the program when it was airing.

Seokmin wasn't nervous about the idea, he was actually excited. Chan knew this and knew that whatever the problem was, it was still the same as the day of the lecture. He didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to seem invasive, but he still wanted to make sure Seokmin was okay — or at least, well enough to do the program.

“I think everyone is already thinking that” was a lie and even Seokmin knew it, but he was grateful.

“You may already know this, but today we will start a new segment. We'll call it the heart to heart helpline, at least until we find a better name at least” Seokmin's voice and laugh resonated through the taxi “We'll take your calls and some of you will be able to talk to me and ask your questions live, instead of by chat. Each person will have a maximum of 2 minutes and we will answer 6 calls today”

You had left the house completely willing to avoid anything related to Seokmin. Realistically, you knew you couldn't do anything about the billboards and his face at bus stops, but you could very well avoid his radio show. And for a few weeks you had managed to do just that.

That day at the restaurant had almost been a cathartic moment. Somehow, it was as if something had clicked and fallen into place. The Seokmin you left behind no longer existed. It had been a naive thought to think so. You didn't expect that he would still be exactly the same person, of course not. Seven years had passed and Seokmin, like you, was approaching his thirties. Obviously, many things had changed, but you still expected to see traces of that 22-year-old boy you had known and loved.

You didn't spend more than five minutes with him at that table. And it was much more than enough. He had accused you of running away, of continuing to do this for years. Of course, that could be his view on everything, but it was never your intention. The only problem was that you hadn't been able to tell him those things. You had been so lost and so completely helpless in front of him that you had forgotten that you knew how to speak and form sentences.

You had spent years of your life writing letters to him, letters that he would never read, but that was beside the point. You wrote letters as a way to appease the emptiness you felt in your heart. You never, not for a second, thought you were running away. You never wanted to run away, but Seokmin seemed to believe you did.

In a sudden burst of anger, you took your phone out of your bag and dialed the number Seokmin spoke on the radio. You didn't expect your call to go through. In fact, you didn't even know what you expected.

“Please wait a minute, we will connect your call” a non-robotic voice said as you paid for the taxi.

Seokmin was still chatting animatedly with a listener who didn't have a real question, but who “just wanted to say that I really liked your show and that I’m a fan.” It was impossible not to roll your eyes. If she, and everyone else, knew how much of a complete asshole he could be just because he had the opportunity, they would never want to see his face again.

Or maybe they would team up against you in favor of the immaculate Seokmin. God knew how easily a man could turn public opinion in his favor with a beautiful smile. And God was also a witness that Seokmin's smile was simply wonderful, one that took your breath away, one that made you smile along because it was contagious.

“Welcome to the heart to heart helpline” Seokmin’s voice sounded in your ear “What’s your question?”

You didn't really think that your call would get through to Seokmin, you didn't think the signal would be good enough inside the elevator, but none of that seemed to be a problem.

“Hello, can you hear me?” he asked.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You knew you were going really crazy, but you decided to throw caution out the window and be the crazy person everyone used to believe you were.

“Yes, I’m here” you could have sworn, that even over the phone, you felt Seokmin tense up “It’s a question about an old relationship, we broke up years ago, if that’s okay”

You struggled with your keys, trying to unlock the door as quickly as possible. You needed to get to your computer or tablet, whichever was closer. It was almost a physical necessity to see Seokmin's reaction to your voice, your question.

You always knew how to tell if he was truly calm or if he was masking what he was feeling. You wanted to know if you still had any other sort of effect on him. Whatever it was, it was better than angry disdain.

“Old relationships should stay in the past, don’t you think?” he finally said.

You nodded as you ran into your room. You knew you would find the tablet under your pillow — you were sure that if your mother saw it she would say that your brain would explode due to the radiation from the device. With a few taps, you opened the stream of Seokmin's program.

“I think so. But the problem is that we keep seeing each other. I don’t think it’s something either of us want, but it seems inevitable.”

You turned the sound off, you just wanted to focus on his reactions. Seokmin swallowed hard, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fixed on the microphone in front of him. To anyone, it just seemed like he was concentrating on the call, on what the person on the other end of the line had to say, but you knew very well that it was to hide his reactions.

"Your question?"

“Well, he called me selfish and said I ran away when we broke up, but that's not exactly what happened. I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think he wants to listen to me.”

Seokmin took a deep breath and seemed to think about what to say next, his eyes no longer on the microphone, but on the ceiling.

“And why does he think that about you? You probably gave him reasons, don't you think? I don’t think anyone would think that about someone without anything having happened.”

“I always dreamed of studying abroad, so when the opportunity came, I went. I…"

“Did you tell him you were going?” Seokmin clenched his fists on the desk, his fingers gripped the pen in his hand tightly until his knuckles were white. “Did you give him a chance to say something or did you just walk away?”

You were speechless, eyes focused only on Seokmin. The way his hair perfectly framed his face, his sculpted thin nose. He was still exactly like he was seven years ago, just somehow different. He was the same, but he also wasn't.

You hadn't given him the chance to say anything, you had just walked away, but because you believed it was the best thing to do. You would have stayed if he had asked, I would have aborted all of your plans for him,

“Long distance relationships don’t work” you said finally, your voice lower “especially when there’s an ocean separating people”

“I'm going to guess and say that you were together for a while because I don't think anyone would care that much about a quick relationship” his voice became more sober, completely in control of his emotions, the opposite of what you felt, like you were enclosed every second that passed “I agree with you, long-distance relationships don’t work. Different cities are already complicated, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone who lives in another country. You didn't give many details, but I believe he had reasons to feel that way, just as you had your reasons for leaving without warning. I think the best thing for both of you is to let it fall into oblivion. It makes no sense for either of you to dwell on these feelings. Maybe your desire to talk exists because you think you've left things open with him, but he may think that what's in the past shouldn't be remembered. Maybe you're just a bad relationship he wants to forget.”

Letter #5

Seokmin

I found out by chance that you now have your own radio show. One day it was an empty slot in the schedule and the next it was your voice. To my joy and delight, it was one of those programs that also had video streaming. I say joy and delight in a very ironic way.

But I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for you. You always said it was your dream and in a way, here we are, achieving our dreams. It would have been better if we could have lived through this together, I think. Maybe if that were the case I wouldn't have this empty feeling inside my chest.

But I discovered a long time ago that I can't keep crying over spilled milk. I left and you moved on with your life. They were conscious choices, I knew what I was doing. I knew that making this choice would have hurt both of us, but I also knew that we could overcome it. It's just taking longer than expected. I honestly thought that by this point, so many years later, we would have been able to live as if the past were just that, the past.

But it's not like that for me or for you.

I may be completely crazy, but your show is about love advice and how to deal with heartbreak. Sometimes, when I hear you talk, I'm sure you've already dealt with all your feelings, after all, you've had other girlfriends. But there are other moments, when you answer a question or when you read one of the pre-written texts when I'm sure that what you said applies directly to what we both had.

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

It's been four years since I left. I already finished my master's degree and started my PhD, exactly as planned. I have a date tonight with a guy who seems genuinely nice, but here I am, writing yet another letter that will never be sent to the guy I was in love with.

What am I still doing?

Seokmin had always believed that for a relationship to truly end there must be no trace of it anywhere. When he told his listeners that they should get rid of items, it was not a lie. He was just terrible at following his own advice. The old story of do as I say, not as I do.

Finally, he decided it was time to take his own advice. With a little pain and resentment added to the mix, of course. At this point, he wondered if he could already be considered a masochist or if he still had a few boxes to tick to get the title.

Getting your address had been easier than expected. All he had to do was ask Niah, who offered the information without any resistance.

“Being thirty didn't make either of you any smarter,” she said as she leaned across the table and wrote the address on the napkin.

“Almost thirty” he felt the need to correct her, but decided he would ignore the hidden message in her words.

Seokmin never stopped going to Niah's restaurant. It was there that he had cried his sorrows over the cheapest drinks possible, he didn't have the money to pay for the good ones, while Joshua tried to console him. He had never seen Niah so stressed and angry. She hadn't said anything, but you could clearly hear the sound of her cutting the vegetables more aggressively than necessary.

Little by little she became calmer about the situation and started talking about you with the same affection as before. Seokmin always thought she had somehow kept in touch with you, or at least found a way to get your number or a way to contact you. At first, he had been angry, but somehow he believed he didn't have that right. It was only after a year that Seokmin decided to ask and the answer he received was “if I still had contact with her, I would have already screamed at her about disappearing without telling anyone”.

Asking Niah for your address was the only option he had. He refused to go to college, where you worked. He didn't know what would happen, whether you would be friendly with each other or the conversation would end in a shouting match just because. Because after years of no contact and considering the way things ended, it was pretty obvious that resentment could resurface — at least Seokmin had resentment up to his neck and knew that not releasing them all at once required almost inhuman self-control.

He looked at the building one more time before getting out of the car. It was one of those without a doorman. Seokmin knew that if he rang and asked to be let in, the probability of being sent to hell was very high. So he pulled up his cap down and covered as much of his face as he could while he balanced the boxes on his arms.

He stood there like a madman for almost twenty minutes until someone finally left the building. Seokmin felt like he was committing a crime when he slipped through the door before it closed. Even though the feeling was strange he made himself believe it was the only option he had and he really didn't have any bad intentions. He just wanted to return your things and, hopefully, arrange that if you ever met again, you’d simply pretend you don't know each other, instead of talking nonsense to each other.

Seokmin took a deep breath once before knocking on the door. He heard footsteps and a second later the door opened.

When you imagined what your Wednesday night would be like, the only option that crossed your mind was to order a pizza and watch a movie — the random option of Netflix seemed like your best friend and the only possible option because you weren't even able to choose what to watch by yourself.

Not even in your wildest daydreams could you have imagined that Seokmin would show up at your door with two boxes in his hand.

You were partially tempted to close the door on his face, but you knew that doing so would only make the whole situation worse. If Seokmin, who clearly didn't have any good feelings about you, was standing there at your door it was because he had something to say. Or more precisely to hand it over to you, considering the boxes in his arms.

Silently you stepped aside so he had enough room to enter. You wanted to slap yourself for the complete war zone that your living room was in. You were still unpacking the moving boxes, not that you had taken much with you. It was too expensive to send things from one country to another, especially furniture. You had only focused on your clothes and books and a few things you wanted to keep, and that alone was more than you were willing to spend. In addition to the boxes, you had all the things you still had to buy, but you still didn't have the mind to do it.

You had so much going through your head that cleaning the apartment was just another task you wanted to avoid. But it was one that could be left for later. In the few minutes that Seokmin spent there, you wished you had tidied it up, that he hadn't seen how that room represented your life at that moment: a complete mess.

"What are you doing here?" you finally asked when you managed to get your vocal cords to work properly.

Seokmin didn't seem to care about the mess but paid attention to everything else around him.

He placed the boxes on the counter and took off his cap, pressing the brims with his fingertips looking for what to say next. He had rehearsed an almost poetic speech in the car, something about being adults and how your relationship had ended a long time ago, so neither of you should have any regrets left. But the moment you opened the door and looked at him it was as if all the words had simply evaporated from his mind, as if he had never learned to speak in the first place.

It had always been that way with you. Sometimes when he looked at you, even when you were still together, he got lost. He was like a man adrift who had finally found solid land. It was as if he heard a click and the world started to move once again.

One of his favorite things, when you were dating and living together, was being able to come home after an exhausting day and see you sitting on the sofa in the living room, your computer on your lap, while you studied, occasionally shouting profanities at the computer. On those days, Seokmin would simply push the computer away and lay his head on your lap.

“Just five minutes” he used to say with his eyes closed.

You’d laugh, fingers immediately running through his hair, as if it was the most natural movement in the world.

“Who do you want me to insult today? You know my vocabulary is very colorful.”

How many times had he slept in that position, without meaning to, and you had to drag him to bed because “it's comfortable for you, but my legs are numb and you have to take a shower, you won't sleep dirty next to me, sir”.

It was impossible not to wonder where it all went wrong.

“I came to return your things” he pointed at the boxes.

You suppressed the urge to bend down and rummage through the boxes. You wanted to know what he had kept, what he considered important enough to keep for so many years. You knew he no longer lived in the apartment you shared. When you were looking for apartments you saw that that one was up for rent. It was necessary to restrain yourself from choosing it. It wasn't a good apartment, at least not at the time — the photos on the website said the property had undergone renovations two years earlier and had no tenants since. It wasn't big, it barely fit one person, but it was what your extremely limited budget could afford at the time. Somehow you and Seokmin turned that small space into a home full of life. Of love.

In the places where you lived, you bought all kinds of trinkets to fill the space, furniture you didn't need and never used, hoping to imitate, for even a second, the feeling you had in that little 35 square meter apartment.

You never quite managed to do that.

“Thank you” you said sincerely “I thought all my things had gone in the trash”

You laughed and Seokmin squeezed the back of his head and pointed at the boxes.

“I sold what I could, I didn't want to put it in storage because I really thought we would never see each other again. The money is in an envelope”

“Why did you keep all this?” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself “You should have thrown it away or, since you sold it, you should have spent the money”

Seokmin had asked himself that question several times before, sober or not, and he never had an answer. After a while, he simply stopped questioning and accepted it as something he had to do, to have some kind of sanity. It didn’t. Knowing that those boxes were inside his wardrobe, having to go through them the two times he moved, only brought back memories that he would like to forget.

Ever since you had seen each other again for the first time, memories that Seokmin had struggled to bury came to the surface as if they had just happened. He started to dream about you, dreams that range from memories to things that never actually happened, he started to wonder if it would be okay to talk with someone. His brain always screamed NO, so he was stuck just dreaming.

“I don’t have a good enough reason. It is what it is, I guess,” he said.

The last time Seokmin felt so embarrassed around you was right when you met and even then it only lasted a few minutes. The 18 year old Seokmin was much braver than the 29 year old man in front of him.

That boy, without any guilt or remorse, would have asked every question that could cross his mind. You’d say “your mind is beautiful, it even echoes sometimes”. Seokmin wanted to still have some of that boy's strength. Maybe that was the only way to know what he wanted. He wouldn't ask and he knew you wouldn't offer the information to him without being pressured.

“I think in the end, we both got what we wanted.”

You realized you said the wrong thing when you looked at Seokmin’s hands. A second before he was clutching his cap until his knuckles turned white, the next his long fingers were still. You didn't want to see the expression on his face. You knew what you’d find. You messed up, but couldn’t take back what you said.

“You got what you wanted” Seokmin corrected you, his voice firm, his tone hard.

“You always wanted to have a radio show”

“No, I wanted you. I could adapt to everything else if it meant I would have you.”

You shook your head. You knew it wasn't true. Hell, even Seokmin knew it wasn’t true. The first time you talked, Seokmin mentioned how much he wanted to be a radio host and have his own show, of any kind. I don't have a preference, I know I can give anything my own colors. You felt envious of his certainty, of the way he knew he could do it.

“The show has always been your dream” you tried again, despite knowing it was in vain to argue with him.

“My dream was to have a life by your side. You never, not once, told me that you signed up to study abroad, you never even mentioned it. When it was time to go you just got on a plane and disappeared. You never even gave me the chance to follow you. I could have been a journalist anywhere in the world”

Seokmin hated the direction of that conversation, hated being so exposed in front of you after so many years. In the past, it wasn't a problem. Before he wanted to be exposed in front of you, he wanted to share everything he was, every aspect of himself with you. No more. The problem was that he couldn't just stop. A gate was opened and there was no way to close it.

“So, what? Would we both be living based on our dreams? Because this is a dream, and you know it very well.”

You clung to the top rail of the chair, your head lolling forward in an almost futile attempt to stop him from seeing the tears forming in your eyes. You knew you couldn't hold them.

You weren't the type of person who cried often, you did what you could to avoid it, but when the tears came it was impossible to simply stop them from falling.

“Yeah, maybe I was really dreaming, because I believed that you loved me in the same proportion, but it’s quite obvious that you didn’t”

Seven years of pent-up frustration couldn't just disappear, he should have known. He should have imagined that going there would be a problem, that being in the same space as you without any kind of interference was a mistake. But he was still there and there was no way to escape. It was better to end everything quickly than to keep those feelings for another seven years in the hopes of one day being able to say something.

Seokmin watched as you went to one of the boxes in the corner of the room and opened it forcefully, tearing the cardboard, and causing some of the contents to slide across the floor. He felt his body freeze as a roll of film stopped at his feet.

“So explain to me, why do I buy a roll of film every time I pass by a store?” you put both hands inside the box and took out several rolls of film, of different brands and models. “Explain to me, why have I followed your career all this time and never missed a damn show in the last 3 years? Why would I wake up in the middle of the night to watch the broadcast and then listen to the show again while going to work because I just wanted to hear your voice?”

You walked to another box, but you opened this one a little more carefully as if wanting to protect the contents.

“Why did I spend 7 years writing letters that would never be read to a guy I never loved?”

You threw several envelopes at Seokmin’s chest. Your face and body shook out of anger or another feeling he couldn't quite tell.

Seokmin bent down to pick up one of the envelopes from the floor. His name was written in your careful handwriting. He didn't need to look at all the other ones to know that they were also addressed to him. He didn't know how many letters were scattered on the floor, or if there were any left in the box. The only thing he was sure of was that he had no idea how to proceed.

“If that doesn’t say I loved you, if that doesn’t say I still love you, I don’t know what the fuck does.”

Seokmin saw the first tear run down your face and fell silent. He knew he should turn his back, he knew he should walk away, just like you did seven years before. Instead, he took four steps in your direction, his eyes never left your heaving chest and the tears that ran freely over your cheeks.

At that moment he knew that he only had two options: he could turn around and leave, he gave you back your things that alone made his plan a success; or he could kiss you like he had been wanting to since the moment he saw you again.

To hell with his plan.

Seokmin held your face in his hands and pulled you to him, crashing his lips on yours. It was an all too new feeling but also familiar, almost like coming to a remodeled home. It was him and it was you, if only it was just that simple.

You sighed into him, your arms wrapping around his slim waist while your hand balled a fist full of his shirt. There were so many moments where you wished you could be right in that spot, again in his arms. Dreams and daydreams, wishful thinking, whatever you could call it. Thoughts of Seokmin had always been a constant in your mind. It was impossible not to compare other people you went out with to him.

Your longest relationship had been one of almost a full year. Although the beginning had been good and easy, with you somehow managing to avoid any and all Seokmin related dreams and thoughts, it turned sour the second he crossed your mind.

“Seokmin, I…”

He shook his head and pressed his forehead to yours, eyes so intense that it was difficult to keep looking at him.

“Let’s not overthink it, okay?” was all he said.

You held his face for a couple, searching for something in his features, anything at all, that could indicate that the moment wasn’t for that. But all you saw in him was the same emotions you felt, the same need and desire.

You pulled Seokmin to you again, this time hungrier, your chest pressed to his. Your mind was loud telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be doing that, why having him so close to you was truly the most dangerous situation you could possibly put yourself in. But all of those voices, all of those words and thoughts were silenced the moment he kissed you again.

His lips were hungry, demanding all of you. And it was so easy to just give in to him, to his hands roaming on your body, down your back until he reached your ass. He gave it a light squeeze and ran his hand back up again, this time under your shirt. You moaned softly at the contact of his skin on yours, as he kissed your neck, bitting on the exact same spot he found years before.

He smiled over your skin.

“At least this hasn’t changed”

It was all too much but not nearly enough. Just having him that close to you was dizzying enough but him touching you and enjoying the fact that you were just as weak for him at twenty nine made you never want to let go of him again.

“Where’s your room?”

You took Seokmin by the hand, guiding him through the narrow corridor.

Your room was barely a room to begin with. You had no furniture except for the mattress lying on the floor, your clothes were either on the suitcase or on the chair on the side.

“This is unlike you” Seokmin said, his chest pressed to your back while he nibbled on the skin of your neck.

“I… hm… I” you sturred a little when he bit into a particularly sensitive spot, making him chuckle “I’m waiting on delivery”

Seokmin turned you around in his arms while lightly pushing you down on the mattress. His eyes never left yours as he ran his hand under your shirt, moving the fabric up until your chest was exposed.

It had been so long since you had been with anyone, it was almost like a reflex to want to pull your shirt back down. Since him, it had been hard to just let yourself be exposed to someone like that. You had become awfully aware of your body and things you never cared for or paid attention to before suddenly became worries. You didn't like that insecure version of yourself but when Seokmin cupped your breast in his hand his touch was almost solemn.

It was probably the worst timing in the world when you felt tears burn on the back of your eyes. You pulled his face to yours again, trying to hide your tears from him once again.

Suddenly, his touch was tender when he pushed a few strands of hair away from your face, his fingers careful.

Seokmin moved down on your body. When you saw his fingers on the waistband of shorts you lifted your hips off of the mattress to help him move the fabric down quicker.

He kissed your hips and inner thigh. You moaned in anticipation, your hand taking a fist full of his soft hair. When his lips finally found your clit it was like fireworks erupted behind your closed eyelids.

Seokmin was impossibly hard in his pants, embarrassingly so like he was a teenager having his first time.

He never thought that he would have you in his arms again and yet there you were in front of him, no reservations. Just for him. And for a moment it was like his brain was in short circuit, the small electric waves running all over his body, down to his toes.

He licked a path from your cunt to your clit. He went down on you almost in desperation, his nose brushing on your clit every now and then.

"Seokmin..." his name was barely a whisper in your lips, but it was also a chant.

Your orgasm hits you quickly, leaving you short of air and with shaky legs. You were spiraling in the most enticing way possible. It didn't stop Seokmin though as he kept sucking you frantically.

You tugged on his hair, pulling him up and to you again.

I love you, the words almost fell out of your lips. It would have been so easy to just say them, to be open about your feelings just this once.

Deep down you knew that that moment would be a one time kind of thing. It was just the kind of moment people sometimes needed to just completely let go of everything. Or in this case, nothing. It was to let go of seven years of complete nothingness and silence.

You opened the button of his jeans and pushed it down, his boxers following along. You wrapped your hand around his cock, pumping him a couple of times. Realization suddenly came over you. You never expected Seokmin to show up to your place, much less that it would lead to that moment, and there wasn't anyone else in your life, so you weren't ready for it.

"I don't have a condom" you said breathlessly.

Seokmin looked lost for a second, his brain going to his wallet, questioning whether or not he had one in him.

"I can pull out," he said "if that's okay"

All you did was nod and Seokmin aligned himself with your hole. He pushed in slowly, savoring each moment when your pussy pulled him in until there was no space between the two of you.

Seokmin kissed you again to give himself time to adjust to you squeezing him. You held his face close to yours, in your eyes a mix of emotions he didn't want to understand. Not in that moment at least.

"I don't want anyone else," you said looking into his eyes, your thumb running over his bottom lip "No one else can make me feel the way you do"

To hell with care and self-preservation. You let go of those the moment you opened the door for him, the moment you let him into your home, the moment you didn't push him away when he kissed you.

Seokmin fucks you slowly, his pace torturous as you beg and beg for more. He intertwined his fingers with yours and held one of your hands above your head while the other one held your hips in place.

"Seokmin... harder"

And it's like a switch has gone off inside his brain. His once slow pace becomes shallow. The sound of your breaths and his skin slapping against yours were the only ones heard, echoing through the empty room.

Your orgasm sneaks up on you, catching you so off guard you scream because it's too much.

You pushed Seokmin away and watched in ecstasy as he wrapped his hand around his cock, his hand working fast as your name left his lips when his release fell on the sheet by your side.

Seokmin dropped his body over yours again, his forehead on your shoulder. You closed your eyes and ran your hand over his hair.

"I love you" you allowed yourself to say, even if it meant nothing to him.

Letter #6

Seokmin,

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm coming home. Or the closest thing I still have to a home. Needless to say, my mother is happy with the news. She's been tormenting me for years, asking me to come back, but since I set foot here I decided I wasn't going back.

I wanted to, but I wouldn't go back.

Every time I thought about going back, the first thing that came into my head was the last image I had of you. Your teary eyes wishing me a safe flight, saying I love you and hope you accomplish everything you want. I regretted it the moment I gave my things away and handed my passport into the hand of the airline girl. I should have come back, I should have given up, but I couldn't. That old story of putting myself first and second, you know how it goes. In this case, my entire top 10 was just different versions of me.

I think I actually felt scared because as time went by, little by little without me realizing it right away, you became a very big part of my life. A part that could change everything. I felt like I depended on you too much. It wasn't fair to you or me.

We were only 22, Seokmin. When we were so young, we thought that life was conquered and today I know that is not the case. Far from it. At 22 I had a degree and worked part-time at a cafe to pay the bills, just like you.

You might think I'm selfish, I'm sure you do based on the things you say on your show. I was selfish and on some level, I don't regret it. I did what I always planned to do, what I always wanted to do. And now I'm coming home.

Part of me wants to run and find you, explain why I made the decisions I did, why I never told you. But I know you won't want to listen to me. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Why would I listen to someone who left just like that? It really wouldn't make sense.

But another part, this one a little more rational, says that I shouldn't throw salt into the wound after so many years have gone by. I have the scar here, hidden enough for no one to see, but prominent enough for me to remember what I did every single day.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to just show up in front of you and say “hi, I'm back” after seven years.

You have become a big “what if” for me. What if I had stayed? Would we have stayed together or would our relationship have ended years ago? What if I had told you what I was doing while I was doing it? Would you have asked me to stay? What if I had given the possibility of a long-distance relationship? Would we have worked out or would you start to resent me for leaving and end up hurting each other anyway?

The most absurd thing is that I still like you, I'm still in love with you. I've always heard that distance makes love end or something like that. I haven't seen you in seven years, I don't know what's going on in your life — you're really good at hiding everything being a celebrity now — so it doesn't make any sense that my feelings haven't changed even after all this time. This guy I see online might not be the Seokmin I fell in love with, just like I'm not the same person you remember.

Every time I hear your voice I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I sleep and dream about you. When I wake up I think about you and I wonder if you think about me too. It is not normal. It's not healthy. Life went on and I think it is our obligation to move forward together. We are not a museum to only feed on the past.

Let's continue as we are now, what do you think? We will once again be in the same country, in the same city, but I think it's best for both of us to pretend that nothing will change. It's a huge city, what are the chances of us meeting?

Before you even opened your eyes, you already knew what you would find. Or who you wouldn't find. You knew the space next to you on the mattress would be empty. You had noticed the exact moment Seokmin had gotten up, but you forced yourself to believe that he had just gone to the bathroom. You had kept your eyes closed and had somehow gone back to sleep.

You had been naive to think that the night had changed something, that the way everything seemed like it would be fine was an indication that things had finally gotten back on track. If any, the train simply ended up derailing.

When Seokmin kissed you it was magical, no matter how cliché and teenage it may sound. It was as if the world had fallen into place again, as if you had finally returned home after being away for so long. You couldn't help but wonder if that was why you'd taken the job, in the foolish, unconscious hope that there might be a chance, however slight, of being with him again.

You forced yourself to sit up and pulled the sheet up to cover your naked body. The shirt and shorts you wore the night before were next to you on the floor, but you refused to wear those clothes, opting to rummage through the boxes in the corner of the room looking for clean ones.

You didn't want to go to the living room, didn't want to be mocked by the two boxes that Seokmin had left on the counter, but you couldn't help it. It was as if your feet had a life of their own. When you realized it, you were already sitting on the living room floor with the two boxes in front of you.

You momentarily decided to ignore the smaller black box and pulled the large one closer. The first thing you saw was the envelope Seokmin mentioned the night before. Money, especially the one in the envelope, wasn't something you were going to worry about. You didn't care about it, you didn't lie when you told him that he should have spent it. That money would remain untouched.

There were also a few books you read and made annotations on, two stuffed animals, and all the picture frames you had left behind.

One of the things you regretted the most was not taking with you when you left were photos of you and Seokmin. You had only taken one, which was folded inside your wallet. It was already so old and worn out that it had almost turned to dust, but you would never get it out. It was you and Seokmin at Niah's old restaurant, he was smiling at the camera while you looked at him. It was your favorite picture.

At the bottom of the box was the camera you had given Seokmin as a birthday present a few months before you left. You had saved whatever money you could for months to buy him the camera he wanted, one that he always talked about and whenever you passed by a store you stood outside looking at it, almost as if it would magically appear in his hands.

You understood his reasons for leaving the camera there — or, at least, the reasons you could imagine—but you wished he had kept using it. Not because it was a gift from you, but because it was something he wanted. His smile was so big when you gave it to him, the tip of his nose slightly pointed down because of it.

Carefully you put everything back inside and put it aside.

The smaller box, for some reason, was scary. It was light and black, and you could hear its contents moving as you held it in your hands. You took one last deep breath and removed the lid.

Inside were photos you had never seen before. Photos of you alone, Seokmin wasn't in any of them. In none of them were you posing or smiling directly at the camera.

Most of them had been taken from a distance, without you noticing. In some you were inside the cafe where you worked, smiling at customers and serving tables, in others you were simply walking down the street, looking through window shops and pointing at something. Seokmin had taken countless photos of you without you even realizing it.

It was strange to see yourself through his eyes, even if it was a version of you that no longer existed. A much younger and more optimistic version. Did I smile that much? you couldn't help but ask. You never saw yourself as particularly optimistic or constantly smiling. You were happy, that's undeniable, but you didn't know that's how people saw you.

There were so many photos, from completely different moments, both from the beginning of your relationship with Seokmin, and from all the phases you went through together.

Behind the pictures were the post-its that you left around the apartment, reminding Seokmin of somewhere you had together or simply saying that you loved him. So many had a simple “I love you” written on them, others said “have a good day today!”.

You had no idea he had kept them. You always thought that once read, they were discarded, but there they were, intact as if you had just written them.

The very first one you had ever written, when you had just started dating, was also there. At the time, unlike Seokmin who never had a hard time expressing how he felt, it was almost impossible for you to be openly honest. So you wrote it on a post-it and stuck it inside one of his notebooks. He had shown up at the dorm a few hours after you left the library.

“Say it again, but this time looking at me”

You frowned, pretending you didn't understand.

“Your nose is beautiful”

You laughed when Seokmin wrapped his arms around you, squeezing a little, trapping your arms close to your body. His face was very close to yours.

“What you wrote in the note” he said softly, his cheek pressed against yours “Say it again, please”

The truth was that you had loved Seokmin, in a way you didn't believe was possible and maybe that was why you spent the last seven years writing letters to him.

Seokmin never left your mind, not truly. There was always a desire, even if veiled, to return home, to find out how he was, to just say “I know I messed up, I’m sorry”.

It was that desire that made your entire body go cold as you took one last item out of the box. A smaller box that fit in the palm of your hand. You knew what it was before you even opened it and opening it was the worst choice at that moment. Your heart, which was already broken, somehow managed to break even more, into a billion, shiny, new pieces.

Seokmin would have proposed if you hadn't left.

When the first sob echoed through the living room, you didn't try to hold it back, you just accepted the feeling of being absolutely lost and heartbroken.

The weather outside the building seemed to mimic the way you had felt in the last few weeks, torrential rain that had no end in sight. You watched the news hoping for an improvement, hoping that the rain would stop for at least a few hours, but it seemed like a distant dream.

All your students were already gone and there was nothing left for you to do. The handed in assignments were graded and the tests were ready to be applied the following week. You had never hated yourself so much for simply doing your job. You wanted to be, at least for that day, like other teachers who left corrections until the last possible second and left students desperate for their grades.

The hallway was in complete silence, a clear sign that everyone had left already. And you had already waited hours for the rain to stop, until the sky was completely dark, and if anything the rain had only gotten worse.

You sighed and picked up your bag from the chair. You wouldn't risk taking any books, papers, or documents home, the possibility of everything getting ruined was too big. Besides, you needed a rest, at that point it was well deserved.

Ever since you had opened the boxes Seokmin left behind, you had immersed yourself in work in every way possible. You had accepted all of the dean's requests and even offered to teach extra classes whenever there was a missing professor.

And even so, even though you had more work than you wanted, you still found time to look at all of his social media. You still listened to all his programs, even listened to the old ones before going to sleep.

It was almost like a form of elaborate torture done solely and exclusively with you in mind. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. It was as if your brain liked it, begged for it.

The box with the engagement ring was next to your pseudo bed. It was the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you saw when you woke up. Instead of spending hours on your phone, you sat there, staring at the small box.

You hadn't dared to open it again. You had never felt so lost as you did that day, looking at that ring.

You wouldn't be a hypocrite to say that you had never imagined your life if you had married Seokmin, but before it was nothing more than a daydream. The ring made that dream an attainable reality. It had been in your hands and you just walked away.

A curse left your lips when you noticed that the umbrella you had used that morning was missing from the umbrella holder next to the door.

“Great, that’s exactly what I needed” you muttered, slamming the door shut behind you.

You were tired, exhausted to tell the truth. All you wanted was to get home, take a shower, and watch some relationship reality show, to escape the tragedy that was your own love life.

You closed your eyes and sighed as you reached the entrance. The next bus stop or subway station was at least a 15 minute walk away. That was a problem that existed when you went to school there, everything was far away. One would think that they would do something to improve that, but one would be wrong.

You thought about taking shelter in the nearest coffee shop, but you knew it was almost closing time. You wouldn't be the person who forces employees to stay late, not when you had worked at that exact coffee shop years ago.

Even with your heavy coat covering most of your body, the rain was cold on your back and it was hard to see anything ahead, even if it was just a few steps away. Even the sound of cars was muffled by the rain.

“yn?” a car was on your left, and it was moving at the same speed as you. The face of whoever was behind the wheel was blurred by the rain, but you would have recognized that voice anywhere in the world.

“Let me give you a ride”

You shook your head. The last thing you should do was get in the car with him. It was too dangerous, you were sure that if you looked at him for more than a second you’d start crying. Just by hearing his voice your eyes were burning and a lump was forming in your throat.

“It’s fine, the bus stop is right there”

“There was an accident back there, the bus won’t be here anytime soon”

You grumbled. Of course, there was an accident, of course, there wouldn't be a bus and with your luck, the subway would probably be closed too.

"If your car went through the accident, a taxi will too”

You quickened your pace, not because of the rain, but because you wanted to get away from him. You needed to get away from him.

“Jesus, yn, just get in the car. You’re going to get sick”

You pretended you didn't hear what he said and kept walking, face down – trying to escape both the rain and him. The first tear fell from your eyes. For the first time in days, you were grateful for the rain, because you could pretend it was just water and not a visual representation of your broken heart on your cheeks.

Seokmin stopped the car right there, in the middle of the street. He didn't care if someone was standing behind him honking like crazy — something that was bound to happen.

When he left your apartment that day he felt like he was 22 again, but this time he was the one leaving.

Hearing that you loved him was everything he had wanted, but the timing was strangely right and wrong, both at the same time.

Both of you screamed, shouted, and said what you wanted to say — or at least part of what you wanted to say. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, at the same time a new one was placed on it.

After you fell asleep in his arms, the only thing Seokmin could think about were the letters scattered across the living room floor. There were so many. He couldn't believe you had spent all those years writing letters to him.

He needed to read them all. He would have done it in the living room, but he didn't know what awaited him, so he collected them all from the floor and a few more that had been left in the box and left.

He read the first one in the car, he couldn't wait until he got home.

Seokmin cried right there, the same way he cried when you left. Inconsolable. His heart broke and healed in equal measure with every word of yours he read.

Seokmin always believed that you left like that, without a single word, because you didn't like him that much, because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not that he thought the entire relationship had been a lie, but he thought that somehow the love had ended. It happened to everyone, the probability of it happening to him was also high.

The truth could not be different. There wasn't a letter in which you didn't say you loved him, not always in those words, but he knew you well enough to know that was what you said.

After reading all the letters, Seokmin called Joshua. He cried on the phone with his friend and then once again when he showed up at his place with bad beer and takeout food. “Since we’re going to talk about our college days, I think we should do the same thing we did back then” was all he said.

Seokmin was on his way to you when he saw you walking without an umbrella. He wanted to talk to you, to know if even after so long you still wanted to try with him one more time. It was better to try than to always wonder what could have been.

“I read your letters!” he shouted louder than the rain.

His words were enough to make you stop walking, but you still didn't turn to face him. It was too hard to breathe. Your chest rose and fell irregularly each time you tried to pull the air in.

You knew Seokmin had taken the letters. Part of you knew he would read them, but the last thing you expected was for him to want to talk about them.

“I know” you said when he approached “I saw they were gone, and you were the only person who came by”

“Do you know why I accepted to host a love advice show? Besides it being something I've always wanted, of course” he didn't give you time to answer “Because a part of me wanted you to listen, to know that I was okay, even if it was a lie. I thought that if I talked about it on a show that had used the nickname you gave me, you’d regret it. I thought that I should make you regret it because it was the only way I could still think about you without looking like a fool after so long. I thought you didn’t care, that you had left because you didn’t like me anymore, so making you regret your decision was the only option I had”

You shook your head. It wasn't true, not by a long shot.

“I'm sorry” you said softly “I should have told you what I was doing, that I had applied for the and got in. I thought it was my only option. It was so stupid. I was so stupid”

Seokmin laughed a little, fingers running under your eyes. A second later he pressed his lips over yours.

“I know, I read your letters”

Seokmin,

It's been a good few years since I wrote you a letter. After a while, I didn't think I needed it anymore because I started saying everything I wanted, everything I felt, looking at you. Of course, this new arrangement has its demerits, as the paper and pen don't look at me like a lost puppy. But paper and pen don't kiss me either, so it has its bonus.

I thought when I came home four years ago, I would never see you again. I thought you would just be the guy who has a radio show that I would listen to every now and then. I didn't expect to see you my first week back and again and, well, again.

As you probably know, I've never been a big fan of rainy days. I always preferred sunny days because those were the days I woke up ready to face the world. I felt better overall. But also because they reminded me of you. You know, when the sun appears after gray days? For me, you were always like that. Grand and brilliant.

But after that day, I started to like rainy days too because they started to be full of the two of us. Rain was no longer synonymous of an unproductive day, but rather of the memory of our fresh start.

You know this, we've talked about it a few times, but I spent a few months waiting for it to sink in. Sort of expecting that one day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. It was hard for both of us, I know. It was seven years of hurt and resentment and we had to navigate this uncertain sea without a map. Nobody teaches you how to do this, believe me, I looked. I found countless books on how to start dating, how to save a relationship, and how to get over a relationship. The problem is that none of them teach you how to rekindle a relationship after seven years apart, but during those seven years one of the parties wrote letters and the other had a program just to mourn the sorrows of the relationship.

I've read several, so you can trust what I say on this.

It really wasn't easy, but I think we came out better, stronger, in some way.

I love you and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. Our forever begins today, in a little while. So stop crying, put ice on your eyes to help the swelling go down, and go to the aisle because I miss you already.

I love you.

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rosepascal · 2 months

Note

💌 Hi, here's my request for the Pedro Pascal character Valentines.

I'd pick Joel and my prompt would be “You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.” I'd love it to be angsty but with some fluff in the end. I don't mind at all if you feel inspired and include some smut though.

Thank you <3

ugh yes i love angst to fluff sm

a/n: Happy Valentines Day everyone!! I didn't include smut but I really like the way this turned out. Thank you for participating and I hope you like it <33

summary: Joel miller asks you to dinner but when the time comes he doesn't show.

warnings: angst to fluff, Joel is stupid but he makes up for it, stood up for dinner, swearing.

You really didn’t understand Joel. You’ve tried. You’ve really tried. He was scary when he arrived in Jackson. He rarely smiled, barely talked to anyone, and kept to himself in his house.

The only times you ever really saw him was when he was being forced out of the house by Tommy or Ellie. Safe to say you never expected to befriend him.

Let alone even speak to him.

But then you got moved to his patrol when someone was out sick. You showed up bright and early and nervous as hell. One thing you did know about Joel is he was one hell of a shot. Rumor had it he took out a whole clan of raiders without even blinking.

As expected he was a silent leader and had no tolerance for bullshit. But he wasn’t an asshole. He held a certain level of respect for everyone on the patrol unless they did something stupid.

It didn't hurt he was handsome as hell too. You might have focused a little too much on the way his hands gripped his rifle.

You didn't interact much with him until he watched you blow the head right off a clicker with excellent skill and for the first time you acknowledged you with a nod. Those turned into acknowledgment around town. A smaller conversation here or there. You even ate dinner with him and Ellie once. Sure Ellie was the one to drag you over but he didn't complain.

When the person you were covering for came back to patrol you came to accept that you wouldn't see him much anymore. Until you saw your name next to his on the patrol sheet. He picked you as his partner. At first you were shocked. He almost never picked anyone else but Tommy.

With every patrol you got him to open up a little more. He built this strong walls over the last 20 years. He barricaded his heart, his feelings. Everything to protect himself from feeling pain again. But slowly you chipped away at it.

You weren't the only one either.

Ellie did most of the work if you’re being honest. She was the one to prove to him that his heart still worked. That he wasn’t as broken as he thought he was. You just came in to give that final push.

“So, Valentines day.” You say casually. Usually such a trivial holiday doesn't matter after the outbreak but the towns been putting up decorations, maybe to bring back some normalcy.

"What about it?" Joel asks seemingly uninterested.

"Hm, guess you weren't the romantic type Miller." You tease. He raises an eyebrow at you, before he would never humor you but this time he smiles.

"I'll have you know I was very romantic. Planned dates and shit all the time." You would've liked to see that. He was probably quite handsome. You say that like he isn't handsome how.

"I don't believe you." Joel rolls his eyes playfully.

"Yeah? I'll prove it." You scoff and shake your head. You slowly approach the town as the conversation dwindles. As you hang up your guns and sign the patrol book Joel waits for you by the door.

"Let's go to dinner tonight. I can show you just how romantic I am then." Your eyes nearly burst out of your skull. Joel Miller asking you on a date?? Are you dreaming?

"I-uh, Okay, show me what you got." He tilts his head down and heads off without another word.

You could barely contain your excitement as you hurried home. You didn't have the fancy clothes you used to have anymore but you had a few things that were saved for special occasions. Time couldn't move fast enough as you waited for dinner time to come.

To think Joel Miller would ever ask you on a date seemed too good to be true, and as you're sitting in the mess hall waiting for him to show up, it might be true. You didn't want to seem too eager so you came a little late than typical dinner time.

You sit and wait. Every time the doors opened your head perked up, waiting for his face to appear. But as people started to leave and the sky grew darker your hope diminished.

At first you're sad, how could you think that he was really interested. Then the sadness turned to anger, embarrassment. He asked you. He got your hopes up and then stomped on them. Was it a joke?

Either way you were pissed off. Storming out of the cafeteria you march to his house, banging on his door.

"Joel!" You yell. The door swings open and instead of Joel you see Ellie.

"Where's Joel?" You ask as calmly as you can. You're mad at him, not Ellie.

"Isn't he with you? He left like, three hours ago."

"What?" You ask almost not believing her. "He never showed up. I sat there for hours." Ellie's face turns to anger.

"That fucking dick. If I see him I'll shoot him for you." She offers. The anger dissipates slowly, replaced by sadness again.

"Thanks for the offer but don't shoot anyone." She shrugs, "Alright but I will if you want." You laugh a little and shake your head.

"Goodnight Ellie," She shuts the door and you're left alone.

Trudging back to your house you let the sadness take over. Fuck Valentines day and fuck Joel. As you approach your house you see a figure sitting on the steps of your house. Speak of the devil. Walking up to him you cross your arms and glare.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Joel stands up, an apologetic look on his face. "You left me sitting there like an idiot." Joel sighs and wrings his hands together.

"M'sorry, really I didn't mean to ditch you."

"But you did. So if you excuse me I'm going inside and drinking the wine I saved." You try and push past him but he grabs your waist gently.

"Please, just hear me out darlin'" he pleads. Reluctantly you uncross your arms and let him speak.

"I'm sorry for not showin' up. I was ready. Even tried putting product in my hair and picked you a flower." He admits, cheesy yes but he wanted to show you he was a romance kind of guy.

"Then I got there and I saw you and I just...I got scared." Joel continues. "You looked so perfect. I haven't done this in a long time and the moment I saw you there it felt too real."

He's out of his depth. He knows it too. Who the hell was he to try and put himself out there again. Especially with someone as perfect as you.

"Being with you, I haven't felt like this in a long time." He takes a step closer to you, cupping your face as he it in under the moonlight.

"You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe and it's terrifying." You gasp softly. His eyes shine with determination to prove he's stopped running. His hand feels so soft against your skin.

"Joel..I've been in love with you ever since that first patrol." You confess, hoping it would help ease the tension.

"I hope it ain't too late but," He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a slightly crushed rose.

"Will you be my Valentine?" You take the flower and spin it between your fingers. It's beautiful, grown right from the flowers outside of his house.

"I would love to be your Valentine." Leaning in you kiss his cheek softly.

Joel looks surprised for a moment before he softly grabs your chin and kisses you. Your whole body relaxes as his lips meld with yours. Damn he's good at this. When you part you frown slightly, already missing his lips.

"I really am sorry for ruining dinner," Joel apologizes again.

"The day isn't over yet and I still got that bottle of wine." You draw out the last word, silently suggesting he stays for a drink and maybe more. Joel smirks and places a hand on your back, rubbing his thumb gently. He leans close and whispers in your ear.

"Lead the way darlin'"

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #send a valentine #joel miller angst

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lovelybrooke · 10 months

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The way things were before (Platonic Yandere Muzan x reader)

This was inspired by the last episode of the latest season where we get some Muzan lore. This is kinda my first time writing real angst so tell me what you think. Keep in mind this is based on the anime and I haven't actually read the manga.

Pt.2

Check out my other works here: Masterlist.

Anger.

Ever since Muzan was young, one emotion he always felt was anger. It stuck to him like a tumor, destroying him from the inside out.

He felt anger for his illness that prevented him from having a real life. He felt anger for having to be tested on by doctors nearly daily. He felt anger that people looked down upon him as he grew weaker and weaker. But more importantly, he felt anger that nothing changed. He never got better, he never got stronger, no matter how much time went by.

As he aged, and his illness got worse, Muzan accepted the fact that his anger, his hatred for everyone would never leave him.

That was, until he found you. His beautiful, wonderful child, the only thing that could quell the rage inside of him.

You weren't his biologically, no, but that didn't matter to him. Before he was too sick to leave his bed, Muzan found you orphaned living on the streets and took you in. Ever since, you've been repaying him by taking care of him.

"Father, it is time to take you medicine." There you were, right on time. Muzan refused to take his medicine from anyone else, even his most notable doctors.

He was too weak to sit up, simply moving his head to acknowledge you, watching as you sat down in front of him. Muzan didn't complain as you moved his head so the medicine could travel done his throat more smoothly.

Once done, you lay his head back down, putting the small bowl down next to you, blessing him with a kind smile. "How are you feeling today father?" You question.

"I'm doing fine now that you are here, my child." You giggle, the smile reaching your eyes. A small smile graces Muzan's face at your happy demeanor. Even if it is only for a second, Muzan is happy.

"Oh, I almost forgot." You gasp, "The doctor has new medicine for you, he wanted to give it to you himself."

Muzan let out a childlike groan, rolling over to face the balcony. It was beautiful outside, but Muzan couldn't help but feel annoyed. The sun was too bright, the wide was too strong, the birds were too loud. Even the thought of having to interact with his doctor for a second caused his blood to boil.

You roll your eyes at him, "Father, you have to take your medicine, the doctor knows better than me." He does move to face you, but you could tell he was annoyed.

"The doctors are incompetent." He moves back on his back; his brows cross in frustration. "They have been treating me for years, but here I remain, trapped in by bed." He laments.

You frown at his words, looking away from your father with sorrow. You remember a time when he was still healthy enough to spend time with you, your favorite days being when he would grow flowers with you, teaching you about their meanings and medical uses. But now, just standing was enough to strip him of all his strength.

You've been forced to watch as your father grows more resentful for the people around him, hating his doctors, maids, even gardeners for simply existing, being able to live the life he most desperately wanted. On days where his illness is at his worse, he mumbles about wanting to destroy them all, something you assumed was delirium caused by the medicine.

Even though your father has changed, you still love him, and you can't help but see him as the carefree, happy man he was when you were younger, even now. It's why you so desperately want him to get better, so that maybe you could go back to the way things once were.

"Father, I promise they just want to help." You try and talk some sense into him, though his resolve doesn't budge. You sigh, "it would make me really happy if you let the doctors give you the medicine." You put emphasis on the word really, in hopes it would motivate him. To your luck it did, Muzan moving to face you, sighing at your pleading face.

"Fine." Was all he said, feeling warmth bubble up in him as you smiled. You leaned down and hugged him the best you could.

"Thank you, father." Muzan smiles, happy once more.

---

You haven't visited you father in days, him forbidding you from entering his room a few days after he took the new medicine. You didn't mind though, it probably had some bad side effects, so you left him alone. Though, you couldn't help but question whenever he ordered for a worker to enter his room, especially when you swore, they never left.

Today was the final straw, you had to see your father. Workers had been disappearing left and right, and you knew your father was not going to be happy about it if you kept it from him.

As you get closer and closer to your father's room, a stench more disgusting than anything you've smelt before entered your nose and caused you to gag. You would've thrown up than and their if you didn't cover your mouth quickly.

The smell only got worse as you slowly crept towards the door, it nearly becoming unbearable. You swallowed down you fear as you knocked at the door. You could hear the faint sounds of crunching, like someone was chewing on something tough which made heartbeat against your ribs.

"F-father, are you in there." The chewing stopped and your heart sank. Your hands shook as you heard someone move towards the door. Slowly, the door opened, revealing your father covered in blood. He smiled down at you creepily, a stark contrast between the horror that covered your face.

Muzan moves to cup your cheek in his hand, blood smearing on your face. He could hear your fearful breathing coming from your nose as you inhale and exhale in rapid succession. He rubs your cheek, trying to calm you down as you look into his room, seeing the mangled-up bodies behind him. Your breathing became even more erratic at the sight, Muzan simply sighing with a frown.

"(Y/N), you don't understand-"

"You killed them, father." You whisper, backing away from him.

"I am much stronger now; I can protect you." You shake your head, tears streaming down your face. What was he talking about?

"You killed them." Your repeat you back hitting the wall. Muzan was directly in front of you, looking down intimidatingly. For the first time in your life, your father scared you.

"I had to, my child." He answers, his voice calm, but you could sense his annoyance. "It's the only way I can remain strong."

You don't say anything as he moves closer, hugging you into his chest as your world went dark.

---

It's been years since that day.

Your now older, more aware of the situation you're in. You father was now a demon, forced to consume humans in order to live. You realized quickly it was from the medicine the doctor gave him, and you curse him everyday for doing so.

He took your home from you, forcing you and your father out of your village. He took your life from you, forcing you to remain hidden with you father. Most importantly, he took your father from you, him now a husk of the man he once was.

Along with the myriad of strange side effects, your father couldn't go out in the day, the sun causing him immense pain, one of the only few things that could hurt him.

You learned to treasure the mornings, them being the few hours away from your father. While he was busy learning all he could about his aliment, you were trying to maintain the image of a normal human being. Working, socializing, anything you could do to forget about the atrocities your father committed when the sun set.

You wish things would go back to the way they were before.

"-N)? (Y/N)?" Oh, you were in the hospital, getting blood work done. You look over at the doctor in front of you, him attempting to get you attention.

You've been feeling terrible for the past few days, constant headaches, hot flashes, soreness. You could barely move without pain. You got blood work done, now waiting for the results with anticipation.

"I just wanted to ask you a question before giving you the news." His voice is solemn, not giving you a good feeling. "Does your family have any history of illness?"

You want to answer yes, but that would we wrong. You're not Muzan's child, so you shouldn't have inherited his illness. "No, my father was plagued with illness years ago, but he's...better now and I'm not his child biologically."

The doctor nodded, looking away dejectedly. When his eyes finally met yours, they were serious, "You've developed a rare blood disease." You heart sinks, but the doctor continues, "I suspect about a month or so is what you have left."

You could feel tears in your eyes, but surprisingly you didn't feel all that sad. Ever since you were young, you've accepted the fact that you would die, it's something you've learned from your times on the streets. The doctor continues talking, but you don't hear a word, to busy wondering how you're going to tell Muzan.

---

"Father, I'm home." No response, but you know he heard you.

On your way home, you accepted that you weren't going to tell Muzan. You knew if you would, he would try to turn you, and you couldn't accept that fate. To you, even death was a better fate than becoming a demon.

You slowly make you way up to your father's study, knocking on the door before entering. Like most days, your father is hunched over his desk, books and papers strewn about.

He doesn't acknowledge you when you enter, even when you move to stand beside him. You take a look at the scientific papers, not understanding a single thing about any of them. The only recognizable thing was the blue spider lily that for some reason was crucial to father.

"How was your appointment?" He doesn't look at you, flipping through pages of a book.

You sigh, shaking your head, "It was fine. Apparently, I was overreacting." You let out an awkward laugh. Muzan nods, before moving his attention back to his book.

It's like he was consumed by this flower, it was the only thing he cared about. You missed you father, even though it's been years since he's felt like one. In a way, you feel like death would be more welcoming than the life you have now, one that is consumed by fear for the man your supposed to feel safe around.

You left without telling you father, silently hoping you wouldn't see him in the morning.

---

Your hopes were not answered.

It's been week, but death does not come, all that greeted you was endless pain.

Your father found out when you collapsed one morning, and while he was mad you lied to him, he was livid when you refused to be turned into a demon. He's never yelled at you before, it surprised you when he screamed and threatened you, but you didn't change your mind.

In the end, your father was forced to watch you slowly succumb to your illness. You attempted to brighten his mood by framing the situation as repaying you. You took care of him, now he is doing the same. The only difference being you won't make it out in the end.

"Father, do you remember when I was little," You murmur to him; you voice raw and quiet. Your room was dark, blocking out any light so you could barely see your father looking at you. "You used to grow flowers with me." Your giggle sounds almost painful, but the smile on your face was one Muzan had nearly forgotten. "I'd get so sad when mine would die."

He doesn't speak, he can't, "Then you'd tell me not to cry, because death is normal for all living beings." Your voice is getting quieter as you speak, but he doesn't acknowledge it. "You were trying to comfort me about your death, I didn't know that at the time."

Muzan wants you to stop talking, he hates the pain in your voice. "I wish we could go back to the way things were before." You said, before finally going quiet. Muzan hears your breathing stop before letting out a sob.

---

It's been over a thousand years since your death and ever since then, Muzan has been filled with anger.

Anger for this imperfect world that took you away from. Anger at you for refusing the life he could've given you. Anger at himself for making your last few moments miserable.

He doesn't know who to blame for his misfortune, but he knows that if he lets anger consume him, he'll find someone to blame.

Muzan chooses to remember you when you were younger and at your happiest. When he's alone, his mind often wanders to these moments, when you were just a child, so small he was afraid anything would hurt you. He never let you out of his sight, wanting to protect you from the world.

Though in the end, he still lost you.

Since the day you died, Muzan was filled with rage. And he will continue to be until the day he sees you again.

He just wishes things would go back to the way they were before.

---

A/n: I don't even know if this counts as Yandere but whatever.

#yandere x reader #soft yandere #platonic yandere #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer #yandere demon slayer x reader #yandere demon slayer #kny muzan #kny x reader #platonic muzan x reader #muzan x reader

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yuri-is-online · 20 days

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Soap Operatic Symphony (A Fyuuture Kid AU ft. Scarabia, Pomefiore, Ignihyde, and Diasomnia)

While camping in the mountains during Camp Vargas, you encounter a monster exactly like the one you fought off with Ace and Deuce at the beginning of the year. While trying to fight it off again, a strange portal opens up in the mine and a person jumps out of it to your rescue. He says he doesn't remember much, but it's clear when you bring him to Crowley that this boy is also from your world, despite being a mage, and until the headmage can think of a better solution, he assigns "Yutu" to your dorm.

Something a certain someone has an opinion about.

notes: yeah I have nothing to say for myself, I have other stuff I am supposed to be writing but this wrote itself ok? ok. Anyway this is a future kid au where your son has come back in time to try and prevent the end of the world but mostly to make sure you don't die. You can see this ask for a detailed explanation of what's up with Yuu and my masterlist for other fic. Oh and the other dorms can be found here.

Scarabia

In general, Jamil is going to be torn between being deeply suspicious of the entire situation and feeling like it's none of his business while Kalim is excited to meet a potential new friend. How they act on those feelings changes depending on who Yutu is trying to interact with.

Kalim- anyone trying to get close to Kalim has to be watched obsessively by Jamil, and Yutu is no exception. If anything the surveillance is worse due to the strange way he showed up, and Kalim doesn't like it but he understands. For Yutu's part he seems really receptive to Kalim's efforts to befriend him, which is the furthest Kalim is going to think about it for a while, but he also notices the strange nostalgia and grief Yutu seems to feel when interacting with you and he really wants to help. He's sure if Yutu would just talk about it, he could give him some good advice. They get along really well! But Yutu seems really reluctant to give out personal information… which Jamil really doesn't like. Kalim's sure he doesn't mean anything by it because of how apologetic he is! But he does sort of wonder if he's done something to make Yutu not feel safe around him... it makes him sort of sad.

Jamil- Once he got a look at that portal, Jamil realized that he didn't actually know what it looked like when you arrived at NRC. He certainly remembers the mess Grim made, but not much about you beyond how confused you looked. He'll have to ask about it sometime but for now, he's got questions. Number one: who the fuck is this guy really? His name isn't Yutu, he sure as shit isn't from your world, otherwise he couldn't be a mage, and his attitude towards you is just suspicious. He has got to want something, and Jamil is torn between protectiveness of you and his adamant refusal to give himself anymore work. It doesn't help that Yutu seems very apologetic to him specifically, he swears the kid seems to be apologizing for his entire existence. It's weird, and he tells him to knock it off because it's not like he's his dad. For some reason that just makes it worse.

Pomefiore

Vil- Epel is the one to tell him about the monster attack, the portal, and the strange protectiveness Yutu has towards Yuu. That last thing doesn't bother him as much as you might expect, as soon as he learns that you're from the same world he thinks it's perfectly natural. Admirable even. The fake name and desire for privacy doesn't bother him either, as an actor both things seem normal to him. What worries him is the idea that something very wrong is happening in the background that he doesn't know about, which he makes very clear to Yutu after sending Rook to distract you. Yutu seems hesitant to trust him, and only offers vague warnings about making sure Yuu stays safe and keeping an eye on Grim. Well now, they can both agree on that, and wouldn't it be easier if Yutu cooperated with him? He's not going to take no for an answer.

Rook- Oh? Ramshackle Dorm has a new member? What a charming surprise! He's sure this will lead to many new beautiful experiences. And he's right! Yutu is very beautiful, but there's something oddly familiar and yet… wrong about him. Like he doesn't quite belong here, and not in the same way that you don't belong here. He looks haunted, his interactions with you scream that he possesses (or to be more accurate used to possess) a relationship that can only have been built over several years. But you clearly don't remember him, and there's a painful aura of grief in his interactions with you. He also notices, with a great deal of joy, that the same grief is present when the little one speaks to him. Just what could that mean? The hunter is in no rush, he'll find out what that means in time, for now he'll keep dropping in unannounced to test Yutu's reflexes.

Side note: I don't speak French so I don't know if this would be the correct way to say it, but I like the idea of Rook's nickname for Yutu being Monsieur Caneton (Monsieur Duckling), because of how he follows Yuu around. Floyd's nickname I reserve the right to change depending on who Yutu's father is.

Epel- He starts off a hater, I am not going to lie. Protecting you is something Epel takes a great deal of pride in; he wants to be seen as manly, as the protector, as someone who you think of as cool and trusts to provide for you. So for a giant portal to open in the sky and drop a new guy determined to protect you from the monsters? He hates it, he really does, and that's BEFORE Yutu starts living in Ramshackle Dorm. He's determined to ignore him and not let him into the friend group, which proves impossible because of how Yutu follows you around so fine. He can sit with you but ONLY IF he accepts that Epel was there first. Something he's really surprised to see him do? He should be more suspicious of why Yutu is constantly asking him for advice or acting like he's cool for being so possessive over you but well. It's Epel he really wants to be seen as cool so he's just not going to think about it.

Ignihyde

Ortho- Ortho wasn't there to see the portal so he can't analyze it, but he can analyze Yutu! And he immediately finds the Shroud family curse. How curious, is this something he should tell his brother immediately? Or should he skip the line and talk to their parents… decisions decisions but he doesn't have to wait for too long for an explanation. Yutu explains himself pretty quickly when called out and Ortho is beyond excited to learn he's an uncle. Less excited to learn about the impending apocalypse but he's sure they can fix it if they work together. Now to double his efforts to get you and Idia together…

Idia- a second person has been isekaid to the NRC oh no. Whatever will he do? Well he intended to do nothing but Ortho isn't letting him. For some reason he seems really determined to get him to hang out with you, almost like he knows about his crush he's been so good at hiding. He can't complain too much, talking with you is weirdly soothing and much easier than he'd anticipated. And Yutu's there too he guesses. Sometimes they parallel play while Idia hangs out with you and that's nice. It's sort of weird how in tune Yutu is with him though, sometimes he swears they could be related. A thought that Ortho is weirdly determined to encourage, and refuses to explain why... maybe he should be more worried about what anime little bro has been watching recently.

Diasomnia

Right so dragon biology is weird and our knowledge of half fae is very limited. From how Sebek looks and how Malleus’s birth is discussed, I assume the eggs produced by love is exclusive to dragon fae and other species just get babies in the normal way. All of that to say:

Malleus- Yutu is an oddity from the jump. He looks very young, but insists he's around the same age as Yuu, and Malleus swears he feels his own magic is a part of him. It's like a precious stone has grown some legs and started walking around and talking back to him. He's a little bit in love, not the same way he's in love with Yuu, but much like a parent would think of a child… perhaps if they get closer he can offer him the night's blessing. He does seem to be lacking it and that just won't do, something inside him says that needs to be fixed immediately. Lilia questions him on whether or not he's jealous of how close the little one is to Yuu, which surprises him greatly. Why would he be- well. He does wish he could spend more time with Yuu but that sort of envy applies to everyone, not just Yutu. And none of those guys are so unafraid of him to have made him a friendship bracelet so there.

Lilia- a mage? From Yuu's world? How exciting! He's very pleased to see how well he gets along with his boys and takes Sebek’s shouting in stride. It's inspirational how quick he picks up on how gullible Sebek is and immediately starts telling- well Lilia supposes he doesn't know they're outright lies but the scolding he gets from Yuu certainly suggests they are. It's all very cute, and something he really wishes he could be a part of, but he knows his time is limited. He'll just have to treasure these experiences while he's allowed them, something Yutu is very willing to help him do! What a good kid, he'll have to tell him how proud his parents must be of him.

Silver- A portal, a monster, and a new mysterious person… it's concerning. Something dangerous has got to be happening with how worried over you this new person is, his name is Yutu? Weird but then his name is Silver so who is he to judge. Anyway he introduces himself to Yutu and he asks why he came through the portal and… isn't really satisfied with his answers. He doesn't think Yutu is a threat, not to Malleus anyway, but there's just something off about this whole thing and it's his task as a knight to make sure the people he loves are safe. What's that? Well of course you are one of those people. You're very important and- why is Yutu looking at him like that. He's telling the truth, what does he mean that makes it worse? Is it his face?

Sebek- Oh look another perfectly average human who is ok. He guesses. Not that he's thought extensively about you personally, only as a precaution to make sure you aren't disrespecting Lord Malleus, you get that right? Him cornering Yutu with a strained look on his face and shouting at him about how to properly respect Lord Malleus is something he would do to anybody. It has nothing to do with him assuming that if this person respects Lord Malleus they will be safe for "that human" to be around. Unfortunately, Yutu is not just anybody and immediately starts yelling back accusing him of disrespecting you. It's like there's two of them now, just with different biases, rip everyone's eardrums.

#twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #future kid au #scarabia x reader #pomefiore x reader #idia shroud x reader #diasomnia x reader

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lilacnini · 1 month

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HIDE IT OR NOT? — 001 the beginning

SYNOPSIS: your father is practically full-on rivals with the sim corporations. ever since you were little, you remember your father and mother always mumbling about how "disgusting" they are and talking badly about them. after years pass, you attend the same high school and university. at first, the two of you hated each other's guts due to your parents' rivalry. but as years passed, you seem not to hate jake that much. soon, both of you had fallen in love with each other. but how could you tell your parents that you fell in love with their rival company's son?

𐙚 pairing: sonofceorival!jake x daughterofceofem!reader

genre: ceo au, university au, e2l, romance, fluff, angst, written series

⊹ ࣪ ˖ warning(s): party, mentions drinking, rivalry, grammar errors

taglist ! OPEN | send an ask or comment below

word count: 1.2K+

🗯 find this in my works in progress

SINCE THE 20TH CENTURY, the Sim Corporations and Celinea Enterprise, your father’s company, have been fierce rivals in the business industry. There has never been a time when your parents didn't criticize the Sim Corporations.

"Never speak or interact with anyone from that stupid Sim Corporation company, okay?," your mother cautioned as she adjusted your luxurious backpack, preparing you for your first day at a prestigious private school at the age of 5.

"Okay," you nodded obediently as she ran her fingers through your hair one last time, leaving a gentle kiss on your cheek.

"That's my little girl," she whispered before guiding you towards the waiting limousine. "Enjoy your day at school," she said with a wave as the driver closed the door and pulled away.

Arriving at school, you found yourself surrounded by groups of students already deep in conversation, leaving you feeling isolated and alone.

"Hi," a girl tapped your shoulder, and you turned to see a friendly face – Jiheon, around your age, with brown locks and a sprinkling of freckles.

"Hi," you replied timidly. "What’s your name?"

"I’m Jiheon, nice to meet you!" she said warmly, extending her hand. "What’s your name?"

"I'm YN LN," you smiled.

"YN LN? What a lovely name! Come on, let’s go play!" Jiheon exclaimed, taking your hand and leading you to the playground.

As you approached the swings, your favorite spot, you found a young boy already occupying it. His eyes were dark brown, and he had puppy-like features with fluffy, hazel hair.

"Excuse me?" you asked politely, hoping he would relinquish the swing.

"Huh?" the boy turned to face you.

"Could I have a turn on the swing? You can play in the playground. It’s empty," you suggested, trying to be accommodating.

"No, I want to swing. You go play over there," the boy insisted, his grip on the swing firm.

Disappointed but undeterred, you attempted to tug the swing from him, causing him to almost lose his balance.

"Hey!" he protested. "You could have hurt me! My parents are wealthy; I could sue you!"

"I don’t care!" you retorted, frustration bubbling up.

"Who even are you?" the boy demanded, shooting you a glare.

"I'm YN. Now, move," you asserted.

"I'll make sure you regret this. My father runs Sim Corporations," he threatened.

The word “Sim Corporation” seemed like a familiar word to you, but yet your 5 year old self couldn’t even remember. That’s when you remembered, the one thing that your mother educated you to avoid. No wonder why your mom told you to never interact with them, they were foolish stupid people. You backed off a bit and then yelled back, “Fine! You’re so childish and stupid!”

Soon the yelling began for minutes until finally the teacher put you two apart. From then, you knew you wouldn’t be alone in peace for the next whatever years you were with him.

HERE YOU ARE AT AGE 21, still in university, still with Jake Sim (great). Jake Sim, renowned as the popular "handsome" rich kid on campus, known for hosting parties 24/7 and earning dismal grades. And then there's you, the hardworking, intelligent, and attractive girl on campus, always studying for perfect scores on exams and rarely attending parties.

"Still sticking around in the dorms?" Jiheon asked, your best friend since you were both 5.

"Got to study for the big exam in 3 months," you sighed, pouring yourself another cup of coffee.

"Girl, it's months until that big exam. We only live once, so why waste it buried in textbooks? Besides, you're wealthy enough to have all the financial support you need," Jiheon remarked.

"If I'm going to inherit my father’s company, then obviously I have to put in the work to earn it," you replied, jotting down notes for your homework.

"Boring," Jiheon muttered.

"Fine, if you manage to surpass your previous exam score on this week’s test, I'll accompany you to a party," you proposed. Jiheon immediately perked up, her eyes widening with a grin spreading across her face.

"A party?" Jiheon beamed, "Any party?"

"Any party, but you have to excel on that exam this week," you added.

"Deal!" Jiheon exclaimed, darting off to her room to study. Plus, what were even the chances of Jiheon getting a score over 90% on the exam, especially a girl who loves to go out 24/7.

YOU WERE AT YOUR DESK, preparing to head to your next class when the front door burst open. Startled, you turned to see Jiheon panting by your room door.

"Y..YN.." Jiheon called your name, leaning against the door, visibly out of breath.

"What's wrong?" you inquired, raising an eyebrow.

Jiheon quickly approached and thrust a paper in front of your face, displaying the number "95%" written on the exam sheet. "95 percent! The highest I've ever scored since we started at this university!"

"95%?" you exclaimed in disbelief, not expecting Jiheon to achieve such a high mark.

"So... about our deal?" Jiheon smirked.

"Fine, I'll go to the party with you. But which party?" you asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I'll take you there," Jiheon winked. Perhaps attending one party wouldn't disrupt your entire schedule and studying routine?

YOU PULLED UP IN JIHEON'S CAR at a sprawling mansion, its exterior adorned with blazing lights that illuminated the night. The distant thump of music reverberated from the building's gates, signaling the vibrant energy within. Jiheon had yet to disclose whose party it was as you approached.

As Jiheon pushed open the door, a wave of alcohol-laden air and the cacophony of revelry engulfed you. Couples entwined in corners, their inhibitions drowned in intoxication, greeted your sight. The pungent scent of tequila made your nose scrunch up in distaste as you trailed behind Jiheon towards the kitchen, where the makeshift bar stood.

“YN! Jiheon!” a voice called out, drawing your attention to Ningning stationed by the counter. You hurried over and offered a quick wave.

“Didn’t expect to see pretty miss YN here,” Ningning teased, downing another shot of alcohol.

“Jiheon dragged me along,” you chuckled softly.

“Not surprising, considering it’s Jake Sim’s party,” Ningning remarked casually. Your eyes widened in realization. It was Jake's party? You immediately contemplated fleeing until another voice interrupted your thoughts.

“YN LN?” You turned to find Jay, Ningning’s boyfriend(or Jake’s best friend..), with a raised eyebrow. Next to him, Jake Sim – the last person you wanted to encounter.

“What brings you here? Thought you’d be studying or something” Jay inquired.

“Jiheon invited me, so...” you trailed off, noticing Jake's intense gaze assessing you from head to toe.

“I see,” Jay remarked as he draped an arm around Ningning (ew happy couples). The scene around you was a blur of activity – the blasting AC, pulsating music, bodies swaying against each other. The scents of perfume, alcohol, and sweat made you feel lightheaded.

As Jay, Ningning, and Jiheon left quietly, leaving you and Jake alone, an awkward tension filled the space. You fidgeted with your fingers, wondering why he hadn't left yet. Shouldn't he be off somewhere, making out with some random girl by now?

To release the tension, you cleared your throat, "Aren't you going?"

“R-right…” Jake stammered, quickly retreating to the bar, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. Perhaps it had been a while since your last encounter, but there was definitely something different in the air.

AN: i started my first ever writing series au, i did write this piece for a while but since i wanted to release this quickly i decided to make this a small short written series. i hope u guys enjoyed the plot so far!! posting ep 2 <3

masterlist | next

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pwr3tties · 10 months

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“Hey babe, who’s this?” You asked softly, pressing the phone into Reo’s hands. “Who? Oh, that’s Cammie- or Cameron, Cameron Taylor. She’s my best friend from high school.” He replied calmly, returning to his phone as you hummed. You didn't completely like his response but decided not to push it. He could have friends that were females, no big deal. Right? Right. But you couldn’t shake the thought of this ‘childhood friend’ you’d never heard of before.

Clicking on her icon, you scrolled through her profile, randomly tapping on photos you thought were pretty— or showed signs of your boyfriend cheating, but there was nothing except for the overly nice post and the flirtatious captions she typed tagging @reomikage. You weren’t jealous, no. You were precisely watching out for your boyfriend.

—

Months went by, and your second-year anniversary poked around the corner. Everything was fine until a rumour spread that ‘Supermodel Cameron Taylor and Soccer Sensation Reo Mikage Were Secretly Dating’ after being seen exiting a fancy hotel together, laughing about something while holding hands.

You better than anyone knew the internet loved to twist things around and make it look one way even though it was another, but the sight of your boyfriend being all ‘lovey dovey’ with another woman churned your stomach. But you didn’t bring this up. You knew what you had signed up for by involving yourself with a professional soccer player and successor.

—

Today Reo had a big game against PXG, and you surprised him with your presence after declining, saying you had an important conference that day. Luckily your boss also was a fan of your boyfriend’s team and let everyone out early to watch the game.

Settling in your seat in the front row behind Manshine’s bench, you notice a flawless brunette waving toward none other than your boyfriend, who was waving right back at her. You almost vomited at their interaction but retained yourself. After all, she was his best friend.

The game ended in a win for Manshine City, and you rushed to their locker rooms to congratulate Reo, but someone had already beat you to it. “[Y/N]? Is that you? I thought you said you couldn’t come?” Stepping closer to you, Reo reached out his hand to hold you, the same hand he crested his ‘best friend’ with.

“Suprise..!”

“Reo, is this your girlfriend? She doesn’t look like I’d imagined.. but still! She’s.. cute?” It would be an understatement even to say that she insulted you all while your boyfriend stood there watching with no intention of defending you.

Uncomfortable enough, you excused yourself, telling Reo you’d meet him at home, allowing the two to talk.

—

“Reo—“

“—Can’t right now. I’m going out with Cameron!” Without letting you finish, he slammed the door shut, rushing to his car.

“.. I love you.”

—

“Reo, it’s 3 AM right now. Where are you coming from?”

“Sorry, Cameron’s party lasted longer than anticipated.” He replied, slipping off his shoes. “I told you not to wait up for me.”

“That’s beside the point. You didn’t call or text to tell me where you were or that you weren’t hurt or missing—“

“[Y/N]! I’m tired. Can we go to bed, please?”

“.. I think I’ll sleep down here tonight.” You replied, returning to the couch, attempting to make it more suitable to sleep on.

“If that’s what you want. Go ahead.”

—

“Reo, we need to talk.” You demanded as he picked up his jacket off the rack. “Can it happen after? I’m hanging out with some old friends.” He pled, twisting the knob, ready to leave.

“Reo, I’m breaking up with you.”

Silence..

“You’re what? No, no, no, why?” He finally turned to look at you after what felt like months.

“I can’t do this anymore. You love Cameron. Everyone sees and knows it. I can’t be stuck as the second option forever.” You said, staring him right into his eyes, the same ones that used to look at you so lovingly.

“Second option? Cameron? Baby, no, Cameron’s only a friend!”

“Please stop lying to yourself. Mikage, I think it’s better if we stopped seeing each other for good.” That was the last thing you said before leaving the house while Reo ran upstairs searching for your things.

Nothing. Everything was gone. How did he not notice? How could he be so foolish and let someone so loving and kind like you go..?

How did he lose the one person who wasn’t with him for fame or riches? How did he manage to lose the person ‘he wanted to spend the rest of his life with’?

How did he manage to let go of you?

His ‘so-call’ best friend, that’s how. Taking a step back, he recalled all the moments that he failed to show up for you and instead went to spoil his ‘best friend.’ All the moments that he would rather spend millions to get attention from the supermodel than to freely receive affection from the woman he had at home.

The times he neglected you, thinking you were wrapped around his finger like everyone else, forgetting you were a real human being with emotions, needs and a heart.

If he could, he’d turn back time and fix all the moments he messed up. But he can’t, so now he has to settle for stalking your Instagram as he watches you and your fiancé slowly dance in your kitchen in your share house. As your new love stares at you as he should have. As your fiancé loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

Now he is, at your wedding, staring at you as you walk down the aisle with your cousin throwing flowers before you as you stop at the altar and wrapping your hands around your husband’s neck while tippy-toeing to kiss him.

Except, it’s not Reo. It’s his best friend, Nagi Seishiro.

#bllk fluff #blue lock #pwr3tties #pwr3tties writes #blue lock x reader angst #bllk angst #bllk x you #bllk x female reader #bllk reo #bllk x reo #i don’t like this but wtv #bllk imagines #bllk icons #reo x you #reo mikage #reo x reader

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stobinesque · 10 months

Text

The last post I reblogged has me thinking about how Lucas is treated by his friends/the wider UD gang in-universe/from a more Watsonian perspective. Because here are the facts:

Lucas has spent most of his childhood being explicitly/overtly bullied for his race [being called "Midnight" by their season 1 bullies]¹

At the beginning of Season 2, Mike clearly assumes that Lucas agreed to go as Winston for no other reason than both of them being black. But when called on this, Mike cannot bring himself to admit that's what he was thinking. (He also does not apologize to Lucas.)

Until Billy attacks him, Lucas doesn't really know why Max is trying to avoid being seen with him when Billy picks her up/at her house, but having been on the receiving end of "my family is racist so I can't be seen with you," whether or not you actively know the reason someone is trying to hide you from another person, it feels alienating. Also, he absolutely figures it out in hindsight.

But since at first he doesn't know that Billy inexplicably and aggressively hates him/doesn't want him interacting with Max, from Lucas' perspective he gets attacked by a white boy 4-5 years his senior and almost twice his size out of literally nowhere. Said boy explicitly declares to him "You're dead, Sinclair."²

Lucas, upon entering high school, decides that he wants to acquire enough social pressure to protect him and his friends from the bullying they had to deal with throughout middle school. Neither Mike nor Dustin seem willing/able to understand why he might be interested in that protection.

There are a couple different ways to interpret Lucas (and Patrick)³ choosing to stay with Jason and Andy, but I think it's reasonable to assume that Lucas would be able to recognize a mob/witch hunt forming, and I also think it is reasonable to assume that Lucas knows that mobs tend to target the most vulnerable members of a population, and that he himself both as a black kid and a member of Hellfire is at risk.

Nancy knows for a fact that Jason was at the army surplus store in search of a gun, and while it is implied that she informs the group of this, they seem not to take that into any consideration when planning because

Taken altogether, this paints a picture that in-universe, all of Lucas' friends should be intimately aware that he has experienced overt racism for his entire life. But, the Halloween costume argument also suggests that even though they're all aware of said racism, none of the white members of the group really feel comfortable talking about it. Lucas does explicitly call Mike out on thinking that he would be Winston (or that Mike can't be) "because he's black," and Mike flat out lies to his face. If this is one of the first times Lucas has confronted one of the Party members about their own implicit racism, I think it would be reasonable for him to walk away from that exchange deciding that race isn't something he can have honest conversations with his friends about.

We also never see Billy attacking Lucas addressed on-screen after it happens. Which means we never get to see anyone check-in with Lucas about what happened, or see him process what happened.

So come season 4 Lucas has great reason both to want more social capital/protection and to feel uncomfortable explicitly talking to his friends about why that might be. (Especially with the added baggage of Billy having just been killed, which assuredly inspired a lot of complicated feelings for Lucas, especially because of how much his death impacted Max.) Instead, he makes one simple request of his friends (who he both wants at his game and still wants to play D&D with them): get Eddie to reschedule the game. And, sure, it's Eddie's fault that the game doesn't get rescheduled. But it is absolutely on Mike and Dustin that they didn't choose to skip (which honestly probably would have forced Eddie to reschedule anyway??).

So for the most important game of the season, Lucas winds up without his friends or his sister there to watch him make the winning shot, and he misses out on the D&D game that he wanted to play with his friends. It's entirely possible that Lucas still would have decided to go to the afterparty even if Mike and Dustin had come to the game. But I think it's reasonably likely that he'd have gone to celebrate separately with them! Or at least would have left the party early, rather than getting so drunk he pukes the next morning. So when Jason riles the whole team into becoming a mob out for blood, Lucas ends up stuck between a rock and a hard place. He can't really say or do anything to stop Jason that doesn't also put a target on his back. Sticking with him is the best way to 1) ensure his own physical safety and 2) have any hope of protecting Eddie/his friends.

And then Lucas risks his life to lead Jason & co. off Eddie's scent and bikes eight miles to come warn Dustin that he's in danger. He actually explicitly says that Dustin is in terrible danger. Lucas (and, honestly, all of the Party--except arguably Will) at this point is intimately aware of the fact that a white boy fueled by rage can been homicidally dangerous. So the fact that even after knowing for a fact that Jason has acquired a gun, the whole team send Lucas, Erica and Max to the Creel house without weapons, protection, or any sort of plan as to how to deal with Jason & co. if they turn up is not only baffling, but honestly feels downright callous.

From a purely Watsonian perspective, Lucas has every right and reason to be absolutely livid with his friends. Their consistent inability to recognize or acknowledge the racism Lucas experiences directly results in Lucas and his sister being attacked and nearly killed--and not even by the supernatural bad guy.

¹The show never returns to this, but to me it is broadly illustrative of the racial climate in Hawkins

²Please do not waste your breath trying to argue with me that Billy "wasn't really trying to kill him." I honestly don't care either way. He threatened to kill a 13-year-old boy whose only "crime" was being black. There is no other explanation for Billy's treatment of Lucas that makes sense, since he explicitly targets him, and not Dustin or Mike. Regardless of whether or not Billy had genuine homicidal intent, Lucas had no reason to think otherwise in that moment. I have no interest in arguing this point with anyone.

³Patrick is another excellent example of the show being unable to meaningfully reckon with with its racial implications, but that's its own post.

#lucas sinclair #stranger things meta #meta #read.txt #...not gonna main tag this #cw antiblackness

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we-will-all-be-stories · 5 months

Text

Camp Half-Blood Tumblr Dash

🪻flower-child Follow

okay but does anyone actually know where nico di angelo goes half the time?? like the man drops off the face of the earth for months at a time and no one bats an eye

🗡️stabsmcgee43 Follow

no but fr he leaves for like three months and comes back with a power upgrade, a new sister, and is apparently a senator for the romans?? who exist for some reason???

🥜for_peanutbutter Follow

so apparently he and will solace just got back from fucking tarTARUS! and this wasnt even his FIRST TIME THERE?! wHAT!?

🎯beau-and-arrow Follow

ngl i thought he was in the mafia up until a week ago

#apparently he works for his father?? #i cant even get my godly parent to claim me #and he's out here living in the underworld with his dad and step-mom

79 notes

🐎ifelloffapegasus Follow

being 12 years old and choosing a dagger as a your weapon of choice because you want to be like Annabeth Chase even though you're shit at fighting is simply a canon event that cannot be interfered with

42 notes

🎆call-me-andromache Follow

oh to be drinking hot chocolate in a New Rome cafe while studying for my DSTOMP exam

🪙one-million-drachmas Follow

hey op how about we don't romanticize the camp that literally tried to erase the greeks from existence

🎆call-me-andromache Follow

well excuse me for wanting to live past the age of 18

14 notes

🎆call-me-andromache Follow

#i dont even know who my godly parent IS #let alone have i ever even gone on a quest #who do you think i am, percy jackson??? #why would you make a school for demigods if you were just gonna deny them #tbh i didnt even know the roman gods even interacted with their children #where are they getting their letters from?

98 notes

😶‍🌫️one-time-hypnos-dreamt Follow

I got turned into an ear of corn by a child of Demeter but they didn't know how to turn me back so I had to live the rest of my life as a talking vegetable until one day when Persephone (of all the gods??) came to camp and took pity on me so she turned me back into a human but now I have corn silk for hair because of it

325 notes

💄totallynotanaphroditekid Follow

i found a squirrel during capture the flag last night and it wont leave me alone does anyone want a new pet? i named him paris after that dude from the iliad

🏃‍♂️shesarunnershesatrackstar Follow

bro drop him off at the hermes cabin after dinner tonight

💃dancing-drakon Follow

as the hermes head counselor pls do not bring him to our cabin

🦉wise-mind Follow

So are we just going to ignore the fact that OP, a child of Aphrodite, named the squirrel PARIS

💄totallynotanaphroditekid Follow

get off my post im trying to start something

21 notes

#just like the real pjo universe this has no timeline #i have so many more ideas for this #for pjo and others #percy jackon and the olympians #fakeposting #camp halfblood #camp jupiter #heroes of olympus #trials of apollo #the sun and the star #pjo #hoo #toa

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buckysmischief · 2 months

Text

old foes, new flames (no one knows me like you do)

druig x f!reader

wc: 11.4k

summary: You and Druig were childhood friends, never one without the other, but that all ended when he got a girlfriend and things changed. Eventually it was too much to be hear him and at the first opportunity you had, you left town. Years later, an invitation to Wanda's wedding brought you back and nothing was the same.

warnings: while this story doesn't have any outright explicit content there are mentions of drinking, smoking, and sexual innuendos. minors please do not interact. angsty, stubborn idiots, fluffy ending.

an: I went a little out of my comfort zone with this one, I really hope you enjoy it. feedback is much appreciated :)

m a s t e r l i s t

Going back to the place you grew up wasn't something you ever wanted to do again. But when Wanda, one of your childhood best friends called and asked you to be the maid of honor in her wedding. How could you say ‘no’?

It was a super last minute thing. She hasn't been with the guy very long at all. But when Pietro said he didn't have any concerns you decided against calling in a welfare check.

"So she didn't tell you who he is?" Yelena asked.

"No, She did. I just forgot his name and I'm too stubborn to ask." You laughed out, "All I remember is that she met him a few months ago at her college graduation party and that he's super hot."

You and Yelena were roommates freshman year and the rest was history. It was a rare occasion you were apart. So when Wanda said you could bring a plus one, well, Yelena was the obvious choice. It’s not like you were dating anyone and could bring them, not that you would want to bring anyone you were dating back to that place anyways. She wasn't excited about the four hour train ride but you were. Not having to drive and having the opportunity to move around, even just to stretch, was preferable.

“So,” She asked you, with an hour of the ride left, "do you think he's going to be there? I remember you said he was her friend growing up too."

"I didn't ask. She only told me that it's in a few days and that she already has my dress picked out." The neighborhood you grew up in didn't have a lot of kids your age, just you and three others. Wanda, her twin brother Pietro, and a quiet boy named Druig. You and him had a different connection than you did with the twins, for a long time you thought the two of you were inseparable. But as you got older he became more independent of the group, you tried to be happy for him and not take it personally but it was hard.

You even took it well when he announced he had a girlfriend. That was until she made a joke about you following Druig around like a lost puppy. Looking back on it it was naive of you to hope he’d defend you somehow, but it felt like a punch to the gut when he not only laughed but agreed with her.

After that the only time you spoke was when you were insulting each other. For a short while Wanda and Pietro felt like they had to pick a side but that was the last thing you wanted, Druig too. Thankfully there were only a few occasions where all of your paths crossed, but when they did you made sure to avoid him completely. There was no way you were going to be the reason things got too weird.

“Well if he is and he says anything out of line,” she cracked her knuckles, “I’ll handle it.”

You laughed under your breath, knowing how truthful her threat was, “Let’s just hope he’s forgotten I exist.”

The scenery started to get all too familiar and all your mind could focus on was the last time you were here. You left a few days after graduation with no thoughts of returning, if it was anyone else but Wanda asking you to come back the idea wouldn’t have even been entertained.

Her and Pietro were the ones to drive you to the train station and it was obvious they were very against the whole thing, but thankfully they let you go without a fuss. Pietro had let it slip that he had invited Druig, in hopes of reconciliation or something, but you knew he wouldn’t. Not after what you had said to him the night before.

“Who’s there?” You woke up to the sound of rocks being thrown at your bedroom window.

There wasn’t an answer but you heard the leaves from the tree being rustled. Whoever it was had definitely done this before.

“Wanda? Pietro? Please tell me it’s one of you just trying to scare me.”

“Afraid not.”

You’d recognize that voice anywhere. “What are you doing Druig? Shouldn’t you be climbing out of someone else’s window and not into mine?”

He had finally made his way up the tree and onto the branch that had grown perfectly level with the window. The last time he did that felt like a lifetime ago, there was no reason for him to be doing that now. You didn’t want him there. Unfortunately for you he was climbing in before the words “you need to leave” could finish coming out of your mouth.

Druig looked around, “Everything still looks the same.”

“Not everyone changes their whole personalities overnight.”

He picked up a picture frame you had hanging on the wall. It was from your thirteenth birthday, in it you were with Wanda, Pietro and Druig at the top of a ferris wheel. You weren’t angry enough at him to rip him out of the photo though, but you were upset enough to put a sticky note over his face. “My mom still has this photo on the mantel, I’ve begged her for years to take it down.”

“How a saint like Ajak could raise a devil like you is something I’ll never understand.” Did he practically break into your bedroom just to be a dick? “Why are you here, Druig?”

“I heard from a little bird that you were flying the nest, never to return.” He put the photo back where he found it and walked over to your bed, sitting on the edge of it. “I wanted to say goodbye.”

Out of habit, you followed him across the room and sat beside him. You told yourself it was so you didn’t have to talk as loud, not wanting your parents to wake up, but deep down you knew it was muscle memory. “Usually that obligation is to the people who actually like the person that’s leaving.”

You noticed his eyes were glossed over, and you were close enough to him that you could smell the beer on his breath. Did he really have the nerve to show up in your room after all that had happened, while intoxicated, to talk about you leaving?

“Yeah, well..” Druig was usually so quick witted, you couldn’t put your finger on it (nor did you care to) but something was off about him, “it just took me by surprise. I never thought any of us would leave this place.”

He didn’t say it in a rude way, but something about him saying it at all made part of your brain short circuit. “You don’t know me Druig, not anymore. You treat me like shit for three years and show up here in the middle of the night for what? To make a pointless comment about a photograph and act sad that I’m leaving? You’re the reason I’m leaving! I can’t stand to be in this zip code wondering if I’m going to run into you, who you’ll be with, and what taunts you and your friends will throw my way.

“I have a long list of reasons why I want to leave and never come back, and since I’m too tired to tell you the rest of them just know that they all begin with you.” Somehow you had managed to get that all out without raising your voice or shedding a single tear and yet it didn’t make you feel better. You were so in your feelings that you missed the switch flip in Druig’s mind.

“I just came by to tell you that you’ll be back, you’re not special enough to leave this place for good. And when you do, I’ll be waiting to tell you ‘I told you so’.” His tone was cold and unforgiving, more than ever before.

He stood up and walked back to your window, but just before he climbed out he called your name. “Hey Yn..”

You snapped back, “What, Druig?”

“I’ll see you soon.”

It was midafternoon when you arrived at your parents house and it was already too much. Your mom wanted to show you all of the renovations before your bags ever touched the ground. Your dad wanted to show you the new pattern he mowed into the lawn, like you didn’t see it walking up to the front door.

“Mom, dad, I love you both so much and I can’t wait to see everything but give us like an hour to put our bags down and I don’t know, breathe?” You pleaded, hoping your parents would take into consideration the eight hour train ride you and Yelena just endured.

“Oh of course,” your dad agreed.

The two of you took that as the perfect time to walk up the stairs to your old bedroom, you had almost got to the top when your mom called for you. “Yn, I forgot to tell you. There’s a surprise waiting for you in your room.”

“Okay?” You replied, and then whispered to Yelena, “I’m scared, either she threw everything away and it’s unrecognizable or it’s a new pillow or something.”

“ME first!” Yelena barged past you, throwing the door nearly off its hinges before letting out a sound somewhere between a cat being murdered and a burglar alarm. You watched in slow motion as she flung her bag towards the window where a human shaped object fell out of it.

“What the fuck was that!?” You shouted at her as you both ran to the open window. There was a man laying on the lawn sprawled on his side.

“Oh look,” Yelena nudged your elbow with hers, “your dad’s lawn looks great!”

“I knew I liked you!” You could hear your dad yell from the front porch. “Druig, son? Is that you? Why are you laying on the lawn? You’re going to mess up the pattern.”

“Druig?” You asked in a panic to no one in particular. “Oh my god, Yelena! You killed Druig!”

The look on her face was blank, like she was wondering if she should care. “No, it was self defense. He deserved it.”

“Murder is murder Yelena!”

“Honey, we don't have the right insurance to cover up a murder.” Your mom chimed in from the doorway.

“Nope,” you heard a groan, “Still alive. A little less high than I was five minutes ago, but alive.”

“What are you doing down there?” You yelled to him, grateful he was alive but suddenly pissed off that he was there to begin with.

“So you’re like this because of your parents, not in spite of them.” Yelena said, the puzzle pieces finally clicking into place.

You ignored her and ran down the stairs and out the front door. As much as you wanted to make sure he was okay, you also wanted him gone as soon as he could stand. There was no way you were giving your parents yet, apparently, another chance of letting him in the house.

He started to sit up as you made your way out of the front door, so you asked him again, “What are you doing here, Druig?”

He took another minute to get up and wipe himself free of a few leaves and branches he took down with him. You couldn’t help but notice how his hair was longer, something you always told him he could pull off. How dare he take your advice when you weren’t around to gloat about it? And were those… Did he get tattoos?

Yelena nudged you again to get your attention, dragging you away from thoughts you shouldn’t have been having, just in time for Druig to walk up to you both. “I wanted to be the first to welcome you home…to be the one to remind you that I told you so.” He smirked, “Look who’s back.”

“Leave.” You demanded. “Leave now and leave me alone. I’m here until Wanda says ‘I do’ and then I’m going back home where I don’t have to see you ever again.”

Durig’s eyes never left yours and the smirk had grown to a full on grin. “Oh this is perfect. She didn’t tell you?” Then he looked at Yelena and laughed, “She didn’t tell her!”

You crossed your arms in annoyance, “Who didn’t tell me what?”

“Wanda. She didn’t tell you who she’s marrying?” You shook your head in confusion, waiting for him to say he was the groom even though you knew that wasn’t the case. “She’s getting married to my best friend, Bucky. So can you guess what that makes me?”

You tried your best to hold it in but a slew of “fucks” fell out of your mouth. You heard your mother shouting from inside that you could put a sailor to shame but you didn’t care. Of course Wanda was so vague with the details, she knew you’d politely decline the maid of honor (and maybe the invitation all together) position if you knew the truth. “The best man.”

“The BEST best man, actually. I beat Pietro in a race for it.”

“You’re mistaking me for someone who cares.” All the years of therapy didn’t do a damn thing. Well, you didn’t punch him so maybe it helped a little. “I’m going to call Wanda and talk to her about this. You’re welcome to walk in traffic, or don’t, I don’t really care. Just.. leave, please.”

You didn’t walk far, Druig didn’t show any sign of leaving and as much as you wanted her to, you couldn’t let Yelena hurt him again. Or threaten to hurt him again, because she would and the next time wouldn’t be an accident.

Wanda sent you to voicemail three times, so either she was super busy or she knew that you knew, so you texted her instead.

Yn: Hey! I’m back. When are we meeting up? I want to meet your future husband and hear all about how you met and how grossly in love you are! We can talk about all you need me to do, who is all in the wedding party. More specifically the best man. Do I know him?

She responded almost instantly.

Wanda: Oh good, I’m so glad you made it safe! I can swing by in an hour if that works for you?

Yn: That works. Are you going to avoid my questions then too?

Wanda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Yn: When did Druig get tattoos?

Wanda: I’ll be there in 5

You put your phone back in your pocket and walked back down the walkway where Yelena was obviously running out of patience. There was a part of you that wanted to ask her to go inside so you could talk to him in private, he was always less of a dick head when others weren’t around, while the other part of you wasn’t in a hurry to be alone with him at all. “Wanda said she’s going to be here in five minutes, is there a reason you’re still here or do you get off on being somewhere you’re not wanted?”

He glanced back in your direction, his eyes locked with yours. “She might not want me here,” he pointed at Yelena and then to you, “but you do. You can tell yourself whatever lie you want, Yn, but you’ve never been able to lie to me.”

Before you got a chance to tell him where he could shove the finger he was pointing at you, Wanda had pulled into the driveway. She walked up to Yelena before ever meeting your eyes, she made sure she positioned herself perfectly when she gave Yelena a hug and asked her how the trip was, her back facing you.

“Yeah, yeah. You two missed each other, I love that for you both.” You were getting slightly impatient. Between waking up early, traveling, not getting a chance to relax, Druig and Wanda stalling, you felt like you were going to explode. “Can someone who isn’t Druig please fill in the gaps for me?”

Wanda turned to give you a look of sympathy, then spoke to Druig. “Bucky’s home, he’s waiting for you.”

“He’ll be fine,” he began to walk away, but turned to give you one last look, “I had a promise to fulfill.”

Thankfully Wanda had jumped right in and explained everything, from how she met Bucky to the Druig of it all. Apparently Druig introduced them and it was love at first sight, you ignored the voice in your head telling you that this was his plan all along. That he knew short of a funeral, the only way you’d come back was Wanda getting married. You would be giving him way too much credit if you actually entertained that thought.

“I’m sorry,” Wanda said, pulling you out of your thoughts, “you said once that he was tolerable now and I just kind of assumed it wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Yeah, because I live in a different time zone, not because he’s a tolerable person!” You pouted. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m here for your big day not to make you feel bad. The wedding is in what, three days? I can handle being around him for three days, but only because it’s you.”

“I’m glad you feel that way because,” she hesitated for a moment and then braced for impact, “he’s going to be helping you set everything up in the backyard, Bucky put Druig’s name down to accept everything as it gets dropped off just in case you got delayed arriving.”

“That’s, that’s fair.” You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “So what can I do for you now that I’m here?”

Wanda smiled and hugged you, excited that you weren’t upset with her. Not like you ever could be. “I just need you to come over at some point tomorrow to try on the dress and I’ll give you the itinerary for Friday and Saturday then. Friday is pretty much just you and Druig setting everything up and then Saturday I basically just need you at my side.”

It could have been worse, all you really had to get through was Friday, and Yelena being there would give you a distraction. You would only have to be around him for a minimal amount of time the day of the wedding if you played your cards right. At least that’s what you thought.

“Yelena,” Wanda said in a hopeful tone, “you can help Yn on Friday if you want but if you don’t feel like being a human buffer, my brother is driving to the city to pick up a few cases of wine and I’m sure he would enjoy your company.”

She knew what she was doing. She knew Pietro and Yelena had some weird unspoken thing. You were on Facetime with Wanda one night and she was with her brother, Yelena had gotten home and popped in to say hi to Wanda and then gave her full focus to Pietro. You ended up giving her his number before they completely hijacked the call.

They texted all the time but never talked about meeting in person. To your knowledge she didn’t tell him she was coming to the wedding, and you suspected Wanda had kept it a secret too. Yelena was never the serious relationship type, but you had a feeling if anyone could change that it was Pietro.

She looked at you, silently asking if you’d mind. Of course you did, but you weren’t going to hold her (or anyone) back because of your personal issues with someone. “Go and hang out with Pietro, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? Because,” she paused, “I texted him when we got here and we already have potential plans. I was waiting to see what your schedule looked like before we made anything official.”

“Tomorrow too?”

“He wanted to show me around but since you’re free most of the day I was just going to push that to Friday.”

You thought about it for a moment, going over your options. The selfish part of you wanted to see if you could just be the third wheel for the day, but since you didn’t really make plans outside of helping with the wedding you decided it wasn’t fair to do that. You got to see Yelena everyday, if she was comfortable going off gallivanting with Pietro then you weren’t going to get in the middle of it. Maybe they’d be the next ones to have a last minute wedding. “No, you go and have fun! It’ll probably take my mom half the day to show me all the changes to the house, I can entertain myself after that.”

“Well that sounds depressing.” Wanda chimed in.

You laughed and rolled your eyes at her, “Do you really think I have the attention span for that? No, I’m going to walk around and be nostalgic. See where I end up. Nothing super dramatic.”

“Oh good, we wouldn’t want that.” It was her turn to roll her eyes at you. “If you want, you’re more than welcome to run errands with me.”

“No offense, but I’d rather spend the day with Druig. I don’t even like running my own errands.” You all couldn’t help but laugh at that.

After that Wanda had gotten a call from Bucky, something about the cake. She excused herself, reminding you that her offer still stood, and you and Yelena went back in the house.

The next morning Yelena woke you up, letting you know that she was leaving. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

You sat up to check the time, 8:07, there was no point trying to go back to sleep. “Yeah I don’t care, I”m going to get ready and head out soon too. Text me if Pietro gets weird, I’ll call you and fake an emergency or something.”

She knew you meant it, and you knew you wouldn’t have to do it.

Over the next hour you ate breakfast with your parents and indulged them when they asked if they could show you everything finally. Again. When the tour was over you quickly got ready and rushed out the door before they found a way to keep you inside all day.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to spend time with them, you did. It was just that you knew they wanted you to move back home and you didn’t want to give them the chance to bring it up. It was easy for them to let you go the first time, they were under the impression you’d come back when you decided you weren’t going for your bachelor’s degree. That was three years ago and their “subtlety” of convincing you to come back was getting more and more obvious.

But of course when you dodge one bullet another one comes flying, or however that saying goes. Druig was in your parents driveway. Scratch that, Druig and his motorcycle were in your parents driveway. “Finally, I’ve been waiting for you for 20 minutes.”

“Did I wake up in a reality where I asked?”

He swung one leg over the bike and put on his helmet, offering you an extra one. “I heard you don’t have any plans today.”

Damn Wanda. She told him on purpose.

Your curiosity got the better of you, “And you made some for us?”

“No, but you can accompany me to mine.” Was a smirk permanently plastered on his face? It infuriated you to no end. Unfortunately, for no one but you, it also made him super attractive.

“Fuck you.”

“You weren’t on my to do list today but I can add you to it if you want.” Did he really just say that?

“Excus-” The sound of his bike roaring to life cut you off. You couldn’t make out what he said after that, but he extended his arm and offered you the helmet again.

Both of you were a bit surprised when you took it. You had never been on a motorcycle before so when Druig grabbed your hands and put them around his waist you flinched away from him. “Do you want to fall off?”

Obviously not. “Fine. But just know-”

“That what? Being this close to me drives you crazy?” He grabbed your hands and put him around his waist again, holding them a little tighter than he did before. “You’ll get over it.”

He revved his bike, probably so he didn’t have to hear yet another response to another one of his slick comments, and began to drive through the neighborhood. You had no idea where he was taking you and was slightly too afraid to open your eyes to guess.

For the first time since you found out it was him who fell out of your window you started to wonder why you were entertaining Druig and his antics. Was it for Wanda’s sake? Could therapy be working more than you thought? Maybe the distance had allowed you to outgrow him enough for it to not hurt anymore. Two things you decided that you knew for sure was that time and distance made you forget the feelings you had for him, and having to hold onto him for dear life solidified that they were back.

After what felt like an eternity, you felt the bike turn right and slow down. Only when it was no longer moving and had gone silent did you feel safe enough to open your eyes.

“You don’t gotta stop holding me,” he put a hand on your thigh and gently squeezed it a couple of times, “but you gotta let go of me long enough for us both to get off.”

Feelings be damned, his cocky attitude brought you back to reality. You let go of him and got your feet on the ground as quickly as you could. “You wish. So, where are we?”

If you took a moment to look around before you asked, it would have been obvious. “When did they close it down?”

“Last year.” The movie theater was your favorite place to be growing up. Not just because of the movies you saw there, but because of the easily accessible roof that you and everyone your age would hang out on after your respectable movies were over. Before things got weird between you two, you and Druig were attached at the hip and the roof was your favorite spot to hang out. After things got weird, you stopped going as much and eventually not at all. You never knew if he continued to go or not. “But they never took down the ladder.”

He gestured for you to go first but you stood there frozen. “Why are we doing this? Why did you bring me here?”

“Can we both just cut the act for a bit? I’m not used to it anymore.” His tone was laced with exhaustion.

As much as you related to his words, old habits do die hard. “Then take me home, wouldn’t want you getting used to being around me.”

He pointed from you to the ladder again, “Climb the damn ladder, Yn.”

You complied, convincing yourself you were only doing so out of pure curiosity.

When you got to the top you realized why Druig wanted you up there so badly. There was a huge blanket spread out with nice outdoor furniture set up around a cooler and a picnic basket. A lot of thought seemed to go into what was obviously a last minute thing, but you wondered why it was a thing at all. Why would he want to spend more time together than necessary?

“Take a seat,” he put his hand on the small of your back, encouraging you to once again take the lead, “it took Pietro way too long to get these up here.”

You took a seat on one of the chairs while Druig took the one across from you, but not before almost taking the one beside you. “You would make him do all the work.”

“That’s not what I said.” He began to take out food from the picnic basket, attentively placing what looked to be sandwiches, chips, and sweets out on the table. Your favorites. “You have a habit of taking everything I say the wrong way.”

“I do not.”

He grabbed two drinks out of the cooler, handing you one and keeping the other for himself. “Okay, not always. But to be fair he offered to do most of the heavy lifting, something about getting a workout in before meeting up with that scary friend of yours. And I made the food.”

“I can’t wait to tell Yelena you think she’s scary. “ You said before you took a bite of your sandwich.

“Oh I’m sure she knows, someone doesn’t get to be that terrifying by accident.”

Conversation stayed light for the rest of the time you ate, from what you majored in to the auto repair shop he opened a few years ago. It felt nice to just talk to him again without any hostility, like it used to when things were normal. Being in a secluded environment was the key, you doubted it would be that easy at the wedding while being around so many people who were secretly waiting to see which one of you take things too far first.

Then Druig had to go and ruin it. “So can we talk about it now?”

“Talk about what?”

His eyes came close but they wouldn’t quite meet yours. “About how we went from being inseparable to me having to beg Wanda for updates on your life.”

If Druig was right about anything, it was you taking what he had to say the wrong way. “Are you fucking serious? You don’t remember?”

“What? No I meant-”

You stood up and walked towards the ladder, “I don’t care, I really don’t. I’m leaving. Unfortunately I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Stop.” He grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you in closer by your hips. “I remember exactly what happened. I was about to apologize for it.”

The way the light hit his blue eyes had you hypnotized. “I'm listening.”

“If either of us was a lost puppy it was me. I didn’t realize it at first, not until I found out you were leaving. I showed up at the twins house to tell them my revelation, begging them to tell me what I could do to make things right.” His train of thought was all over the place but so was your concentration. His left hand was still on your hip while his right had traveled its way up to your cheek. “Wanda told me your plans, Pietro said I should show up and tell you everything. It felt selfish to tell you something so heavy after finding out how excited you were to leave, I always thought things would just somehow go back to normal in college or something..

“So I drank my feelings and showed up at your house. I said something that hurt your feelings, again, and you snapped and I said some fucked up shit. I went to tell you that I loved you and ended up doing the exact opposite.”

If he said anything after that your brain didn’t register it. You only had water but it felt like you drank a whole bottle of wine. Before you knew it your hands were pulling his face closer to yours, closing the small amount of distance there was between you.

His lips on yours felt foreign, yet welcoming. More than.

The way one of his hands comfortably held your jaw while the other was tangled in your hair sent a fire through you that you had never felt before. When his tongue swiped over your lips you knew you were a goner, he swallowed the soft moan that escaped your lips. Druig had made you feel a lot of things over the years but in that moment he made you feel at home.

“Stop,” you put your hand on his chest and pushed away, forcing space between you. “This can’t happen.”

You didn’t stay to hear him out, but that didn’t stop him from following you down the ladder and begging to understand what just happened.

“Yn, talk to me! What the fuck happened up there?” You both walked past his bike and down the sidewalk. There wasn’t anywhere you were walking to exactly, you just wanted to get as far away from the moment as you could. “Did I do something you didn’t want me to?”

There was something in his voice that made you stop. “No, really no. But this,” you gestured between the two of you, “can’t happen. I’m only here for two more days and-”

“Then stay.”

“It’s not that simple, Druig.”

“Why not?” He pleaded with you, asking a question you didn’t even know the answer to.

“Look, I promise to act normal tomorrow and for the wedding, I won’t tell anyone, Wanda will have the wedding she deserves and me and Yelena will go back home and you’ll never hear from me again!”

He scoffed and you swore you could feel him roll his eyes, “Can you stop being so dramatic?”

You ignored him the rest of the way back to your parents house. Eventually he stopped trying to get your attention, the only indication of his being behind you was the sound of gravel crunching beneath his boots.

Instead of paying him any mind you brainstormed of non life threatening illnesses you could quickly expose yourself to so you had a perfectly reasonable excuse to be a horrible friend to Wanda and miss her and Bucky’s wedding. The answer was none.

After what felt like hours and many blisters later, you and Druig eventually made it back to your childhood home. Much to your surprise though, a familiar car was in the driveway. “Pietro?”

Before you got halfway up the driveway a blur of silver hair came out of nowhere and picked you up into a tight bear hug, almost tackling you to the ground. “Yn, I’ve missed you so much! How did your date with Druig go? I didn’t think I’d get to see you until later.”

“My what?” You pulled yourself out of his grasp. “Is that what he told you it was?”

“No?” He admitted, obviously confused. “I just figured you both decided to stop being stubborn and were ready to admit your feelings for eachother.”

“I did.” Druig said proudly, “I think it’s physically impossible for her to stop being stubborn though, probably would combust or something.”

“That sounds more thrilling than being here right now.”

“Told you.”

Before you could get another smart ass word in, Yelena had finally come outside. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” you lied, “I was too afraid to get back on Druig’s bike so we walked back. He was just saying goodbye.” You walked into the house and went straight to your room, ignoring the worried questions of your parents. You got to your window in time to see the guys back out of your driveway, probably on their way to Druig’s bike.

You were worried Yelena would have a hundred questions about what had happened, but that was silly. She knew how to work through your issues when you couldn’t. When Yelena found you in your room she came with the only thing that could stand a chance at putting you in a better mood (no matter the season), hot chocolate.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” she reminded you, handing you one of the mugs she held, “but Pietro filled me in on some things that have happened since you left. He said he’ll come back later if you want.”

“Yes,” you grumbled, “but not if he wants to talk about him.”

“I’ll let him know.”

While you waited for Pietro, and dinner, you listened to Yelena as she told you about her day. As she spoke about all that Pietro had shown her, you noticed how much she really liked him. You had never heard someone talk so highly of Pietro. Hell, you have never heard Yelena talk highly of anyone, ever. She didn’t outright say it, and you didn’t dare bring it up, but you could tell it was going to be really hard for her to leave.

As much as you hated to admit it, so obviously you planned to take it to the grave, you were going to too.

It was that one thought that you let slip through the cracks that caused a mental avalanche. Flashes of you afternoon with Druig, all of the hurtful things he said and did when you were younger, him following you home, remembering you still have two more days with him, thoughts of what things could be like if you stayed…

Yelena never noticed how zoned out you got, but Pietro did.

He stood in the doorway, taking both of you off guard. “You’ve both been so lost in your own worlds, neither of you noticed me standing here for five minutes.”

“You’re an adult,” you stood up to take the boxes of pizza out of his hands, “you could have said something.”

“I figured one of you would have noticed the smell of pizza.”

Yelena opened the first box and looked disgusted, “Because this isn’t pizza. It’s buffalo chicken on pizza dough.”

“Ah but you said pizza dough, so you admit by default it's a pizza.” He replied to her in the flirtiest manner you had ever seen. He was absolutely smitten with her as well.

“You better have gotten something we like too.” You added for no other reason than to remind them you were still there.

The rest of the night flew by too quickly. After dinner the three of you went to the backyard, it was too nice not to enjoy it. The apartment you shared with Yelena didn’t have a yard of any kind, but at least it had a decent sized patio balcony. But even then your neighbors got really weird if you and, or Yelena were out there too late. Not weird like leaving passive aggressive notes on your front door or anything, you almost wished they did, but instead they would lean over the wall that separated you and would insert themselves in the middle of whatever you were doing.

That wasn’t something you weren’t used to though. Even though the distance between your childhood home and the neighbors was pretty spacious, that didn’t stop your friends from just showing up in your backyard. It didn’t matter if you were home or not, it never bothered you.

It only bothered you when it stopped.

“I miss this place.” You whispered. You didn’t even realize you said it outloud until Pietro asked you to repeat yourself.

“I said there’s too much space.”

“That’s not what you said.” He accused, the gears clearly turning in his head. “What would it take to get you back here?”

You didn’t quite know what the right answer was, so you just said the only thing you knew for sure. “If Yelena isn’t a stone’s throw away from me then I might die. Do you want me to die, Pietro?”

“If that’s the case,” Yelena quickly added, “our lease is up soon. I wouldn’t mind moving here with you, I like it here.”

“You like a guy here, that’s not the same thing.”

“Don’t pretend that that’s not the same reason why you do and don’t want to move back.”

“Yele-”

“No,” she cut you off, “someone had to say it to you. Pietro said you liked him and I didn’t believe him until yesterday and again today. The way you talked about him I truly believed you hated him, but the way you look at him.. The way he looks at you! The way you talk to each other, even. Your parents even see it! He took you on a date, he quite literally told you he loves you! What’s holding you back?”

“It just feels like another set up!” You blurted out. “I feel like the second I admit how I feel, Druig and his friends are going to all come out of nowhere like we’re on an episode of Punk’d or something.”

“You couldn’t,” Pietro laughed out so hard he had to fight to catch his breath, “ahh, you’re hilarious.”

That didn’t do anything but annoy you. “Can you stop laughing at me and find your words?”

“I’m sorry,” he took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes, “it’s just that you couldn’t be more wrong. Druig hasn’t hung out with that crown since we graduated, he only hangs out with me, Wanda, Bucky, and the guys at the shop. And your parents sometimes.”

“My parents?” They never mentioned him.

“We all do, we basically grew up in your backyard. They’ve always been like second parents to us. One more thing,” he moved from his seat to sit directly in front of you, “if he ever sets you up to look or feel stupid again, I’ll knock his teeth out.”

“Only if you beat me to it.” Yelena stood up, ready to defend your honor then and there.

Pietro stood again from his seat, sizing her up. “Is that a challenge?”

“Ew stop flirting in front of me,” you stood up too and told them you’d be leaving, “I got to go to Wanda’s to try on my dress. I’ll think about what you said on the way there, you two have fun and if I don’t see either of you before your mini road trip, please be safe!”

When you got to Wanda’s house it was slightly after 9pm and thankfully it was just her and Bucky. He seemed really nice, you understood almost immediately how Wanda had fallen in love so quickly. There was something about the way they were just so genuine with each other, you had never seen Wanda so happy with someone. You were so distracted by them that you almost forgot why you were there, the dress.

It was a floor length lavender dress with a short flutter sleeve, thankfully it wasn’t anything crazy. Somehow Wanda did indeed get the perfect fit. You hung it back in her closet for Saturday and went back into the living room so spend more time with the happy couple.

Throughout the night Bucky kept mentioning how he wished there was more time to get to know you better and how Wanda was so excited you were there. Neither one of them mentioned Druig. There was no way they didn’t know what happened earlier, and you’d be surprised if Pietro didn’t call Wanda the moment you left. Whatever they wanted to talk about, they weren’t going to initiate it. At least, not out right.

“You’ve never been so quiet.” Wanda stated. “Do you want to talk about something?”

“I can step out if you need some privacy.” Bucky added.

“No,” you told the both of them, “when I’m done processing I’ll let you know.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

When you got to Wanda’s the next day neither her or Bucky were there like you hoped they’d be. It was just going to be you and Druig, who was already in the backyard, and you desperately wished Yelena would have taken pity on you and not go with Pietro. But you swore to her at least ten times the night before that she was fine and you could handle it.

You were wrong.

The tension could have been cut with a knife. You both tried to stay away from each other if you could, but when you couldn’t things were tense. It was obvious that he wanted to say something, he only spoke to you when it was necessary though.

After he would put a table in its designated spot you would go behind him and place the chairs. Since it was a small backyard wedding, the couple decided against the traditional seating for the ceremony and just have everyone sit at their designated table instead. Their backyard was big enough so no matter what it wouldn’t be too crowded.

When he was done you expected him to start the next project, but when you went to grab more chairs he was already bringing more your way. “You don’t have to help me.”

“But I want to.” You wanted to tell him that he can’t always get what he wants but you opted to just let him do what he wanted.

When that was done two men started to bring back the pieces to the arch and put it together. The flowers were going to be delivered the next morning, so once you knew it was correctly assembled you snuck inside for a moment to yourself before the next project.

All of the silence gave you time to actually think and process all that had come to light, and the longer you thought about it and really thought about what Pietro had said you knew you had to make a decision.

There was no real point in going back home other than to get your things, the lease would be up in just over a month. You and Yelena were going to renew it when you got back but you had no obligation to do that. There was no doubt that your parents would let the both of you stay with them until you found a house close by. That was if Yelena didn’t move in with Pietro, which you would absolutely love and support.

You and Yelena had talked about it some when you got back the night before, she told you that she didn’t expect to want to stay but she did. Admitting that you felt the same way was like admitting defeat at the end of the night you both agreed to think about it and talk about it again after the wedding.

If someone were to have told you the week before that you’d be back in your hometown, hanging out with Druig, thinking about moving back - you would have suggested they seek professional help. You never would have guessed that you’d be standing in the middle of Wanda and her future husband’s kitchen thinking about what to do about the Druig of it all.

“Hey,” he walked into the kitchen as if your thoughts of him summoned him there, “we just have to hang the lights around the trees and the arch. Did you want to take a break and order lunch?”

“Yeah that’s fine, get me whatever you’re getting. I’ve got cash.”

“Pizza good? And don’t worry about it, it’s a ‘thank you’ from the happy couple for all our hard work.” He pulled out his phone and put in the order. The two of you weren’t standing too close, but it felt like he was the center of gravity and was trying to pull you in. When he was done and walked out of the kitchen to the living room you followed, your younger self would have been disgusted.

Everything became too much at once, so many decisions were unofficially made at once and the only one you didn’t have a solution to was less than five feet away from you. Even though you knew how he felt and what he wanted, you didn’t know how to say out loud that you felt the same. It wasn’t even something you admitted out loud to your therapist.

“I’ve decided I’m moving back.” You tried to stop yourself, you really did, but the awkward silence was getting out of hand.

He looked at you like you had three heads, “What? When?”

You knew what he really wanted to ask. “Probably in a month. I haven’t told anyone yet, I just decided about 15 minutes ago honestly.”

“Is Yelena moving too? Aren’t you two a packaged deal?” He leaned back in his seat, probably didn’t want to seem too eager or show how excited he was about your decision.

“Yes, well, kind of. She wants to move here too but I think her plans include Pietro more than they do me, which I’m totally fine with.” And you were, you wouldn’t have ever entertained the thought of moving anywhere if your best friend wasn’t going with you. Her having someone that makes her happy was more than worth it.

He smirked at your answer. “So Wanda and Bucky are getting married, Yelena and Pietro are going to be in a honeymoon phase of their own.. Where does that leave us?”

You knew he was going to bring it up eventually, you just hoped he would have waited until you unpacked your belongings first. “Why would there be an ‘us’?”

“We could be friends, we could be more, or we can just go back to ignoring each other. I just want to know so I can respect your boundaries.” He almost sounded sad, it surprised you how much it made your heart ache.

That made you want to talk out everything then and there, but fate had other plans. The doorbell rang and Druig stood up to go get the food. After he got back and you were done eating you had no idea how to bring up the subject again. You convinced yourself that it was fine, that talking it over with Wanda and Yelena first would help you sort your thoughts.

The rest of the decorating went pretty quickly, some of the things had to be done the next day so you volunteered to get up early and do those since you’d be spending the night at Wanda’s anyway.

Since the guest list was so small, Wanda and Bucky decided to pick one friend each to be their maid of honor and best man. Neither of them wanted to do anything crazy for their bachelor/ bachelorette parties either. Bucky and Druig were going to spend the night at Pietro’s doing whatever Bucky decided he wanted to do, and you and Yelena were staying with Wanda to have a spa/ movie night.

It was there, while the three of you were applying your mud masks, that you told them your decision. “So unless Druig opened his mouth and told you before I got to, I’m-”

“Finally dating Druig?!” Wanda interrupted, a little too excited.

“Ugh you too?” You threw yourself backwards on her living room floor. “No, I wanted to be the first to tell you and Yelena and I are moving back here next month.”

“WHAT?” She jumped from her stop on the couch and onto you. “This is the best wedding present ever! I can’t believe you’re coming back.”

“You’re crushing me, get off.” You laughed half seriously.

She got off of you and went to hug Yelena, “I’m so excited for us to spend more time together.”

“Me too.” Yelena smiled. You once worried about the possibility of them not getting along, so you were overjoyed that they had a bond separate from you.

The later it got and the more wine you drank, you felt more comfortable talking about the subject everyone (even your parents) wanted you to talk about: Druig.

“Are you going to date him?”

“Are you going to take it slow?”

“Is he a good kisser?”

“Does this mean we can do couples vacations now?”

“I bet you two are going to be the couple that is just obsessed with each other, but in a cute way.”

“Can you two let me decide my feelings first before you plan my wedding?” You didn’t even blame them for their questions and comments, there was a part of you that wanted to fully let loose and talk about how you’ve had a crush on him for as long as you could remember, but there was also a part of you that didn’t want to celebrate too soon.

“Decide??” Wanda emphasized dramatically, “Are you going to look at me in my face and pretend you’re not in love with him?”

Yelena was right behind her. “And he’s even told me he’s in love with you, too. So why aren’t you two together yet?”

“Because…”

“OH! I have an idea!” Wanda yelled and ran to her bedroom. When she came back she had your phone in her hand with Druig’s contact information open. “Call him and tell him how you feel.”

“No, this night is supposed to be about you. You call Bucky and gush to him about how much you love him.” She rolled her eyes at your comment and looked for Yelena to back her up.

To your surprise she actually backed you up. Well, technically. “No, Pietro sent a voice memo earlier and they’re all very drunk. A text might work though.”

“Or, and really hear me when I say this,” you suggested after finishing off another bottle, “I could just wait until after the wedding. That way you and Bucky can have your day and I can procrastinate this a little longer.”

“Ugh, fine. I’ve just been waiting for this since high school, seeing two of my best friends happy. Not pretending they hate each other anymore. I’m just so happy for you.” Wanda was drunk but you knew she meant every word she said.

For years she was in the middle of you and his hostility, even though you did everything you could so that she didn’t have to. You never badmouthed him to her, or even Pietro, but you knew they weren’t unaware it was happening. They knew it was something they couldn’t fix, but at the end of the day you were their friend and seeing you hurt, hurt them.

“No Wands, I’m happy for you.” With that, the three of you called it a night. The morning would be there before you knew it.

You woke up before anyone else and decided it was your job as maid of honor to make sure Wanda was taken care of until it was officially Bucky’s duty. There was no way you would be able to do that without caffeine so you pulled out your phone and ordered coffee and breakfast for the three of you before the flowers were scheduled to be delivered.

Yelena was the next to wake up. The two of you sat on the porch and talked about your plans for the move before Wanda woke up.

“So were you thinking about moving in with Pietro?” You got straight to the point, just like she had with you.

She looked at you in disbelief. “We just made things official, I need at least a year to get used to being so close to him before I think about that. You know how I am. Besides, I’m not ready for us to not be roommates yet. That’s too much change at once.”

You jokingly threw your head back and laughed, “Oh thank god, I feel the same way! About wanting to still be roommates and too much change. I feel like I’m going to make a mistake somehow.”

“Me too. But this feels like a step in a positive direction.” She put her hand in yours. “We’ve outgrown our apartment.”

“Yes, so naturally the next move is my parents house. I love that for us.” You said sarcastically.

That snapped her back to reality. “We’re looking for a place the minute we get on the train. I love your parents but I can’t be a recluse there, I need that time to myself or I’ll go insane.”

“Oh you don’t have to tell me twice, I fell asleep looking at places last night.”

The front door opened and a sleepy Wanda walked out, “Did anyone make coffee?”

“No,” you laughed at how well you knew her, “but in one minute a delivery driver will be here with some.”

She sat on the other side of you and rested her head on your shoulder, “You’re the best.”

Just like you predicted, a car had pulled up and a delivery boy stepped out with your breakfast. You nudged Wanda’s head with the shoulder she was leaning on so you could get up, “I know.”

From there the morning got unexpectedly chaotic. The flowers got delivered thirty minutes late and the person who was supposed to help you arrange them had apparently called out, so you spent longer than planned getting them all in their proper arrangements on each table and around the arch.

Time wise everything seemed to work itself out in the end. Wanda and Yelena were showered by the time you were done, but only just, meaning you would have been waiting for your turn anyways. To your surprise there was just enough hot water left for you to get through the shower, it only got cold at the very end.

When you stepped out of the bathroom you were faced with a new set of problems. Wanda’s blow dryer broke when she was almost done, leaving you and Yelena with wet hair and the risk of frizz.

“Let me make a call, y’all just start on make up.” You excused yourself and called the first person you thought of. “Druig?”

“Good afternoon, sunshine. I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

You got so distracted with his flirting you almost forgot why you called. “I need a favor, are you busy?”

“I could never be too busy for you.”

You knew he could tell you were smiling by the sound of your voice. “Can you go over to my house and get my hair dryer? Wanda’s broke?”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

You thanked him and walked back to the guest bedroom to find more appropriate clothes. The last thing you needed was for him to see you in a towel, he would have found a way to bring it up the rest of the day.

When you went to check on Wanda and Yelena things finally seemed to be going smoothly. Yelena had never worn much makeup so she finished up pretty quickly. Wanda’s makeup style always depended on the occasion, and for her wedding she went for more of a non-makeup look. Her foundation was light and dewy while her eyes had a natural look to them. You had just got done helping her apply a set of very subtle eyelashes when you heard a knock at the door. “Be right back, y’all figure out what you’re doing with your hair.”

The walk to Wanda’s front door felt like it took ages to get to and once you got there you had to work up the courage to open it, but eventually you found it. “Hey, thank you again. I owe you one.”

“It’s no big deal.” He handed you the blow dryer and you ran it to the girls before joining him back on the porch. “Shouldn’t you be joining them?”

“They can wait.” You purposely stood a little too close to him, but not close enough for his gravity to pull you in again. Not fully at least. “I need to tell you something.”

It took all of his restraint not to close the gap between you. “You can tell me anything.”

“I’m sorry about the other day, I was feeling a lot of things at once and I reacted badly.”

That wasn’t what he was expecting you to say but he appreciated it all the same. “No, that was my bad, I threw too much at you at once.”

“No, it was beautiful, really.” You reassured him, “I’ve got to go, but meet me here after the ceremony, okay? There’s something else we need to talk about.”

He agreed, but before he left you both took a half step forward. You leaned your head in quicker than he did and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled his signature half smile and walked back to his bike, “That just told me all I needed to know, darling. I’ll see you soon.”

You smiled and went back inside before Wanda and Yelena got curious, the last thing you needed was to get thrown off schedule right as you had caught up.

When you walked back in, Wanda was curling her hair while Yelena was almost done blow drying hers. They were so caught up in the excitement that they never questioned who had dropped the blow dryer off and why you took a few minutes to come back in, not that you had a problem with that at all.

You had just finished your hair and make up when the caterers arrived, thankfully all you had to do was unlock the door. There was still an hour before the ceremony was scheduled to begin and even though Wanda’s dress wasn’t anything super extravagant, it had probably about one hundred buttons in the back and it took you a little longer than you anticipated. Yelena had taken pity on you and helped you out, giving you just enough time to get dressed before guests and the guys arrived.

“Alright, Pietro texted they should be here in two minutes. I’m going to make sure Bucky stays out back. You,” you pointed to Wanda, “stay away from the kitchen windows, I won’t have him sneaking a peek.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Her smile was so wide, she was barely able to contain her excitement.

Everything after that was a blur.

The guys ended up arriving before the guests. You supervised Druig and Bucky while they showed everyone to their seats and Pietro joined Yelena in making sure Wanda didn’t get impatient. At least that’s the reason he gave, you were sure he selfishly (yet understandably) wanted to be close to Yelena. Druig tried doing the same with you a few times but you kept finding opportunities to slip away before he got too close, not for any reason other than to watch him get worked up.

When it was time for Wanda to walk down the aisle everyone was in their designated seats, leaving you, Druig, Bucky and his other best friend Steve at the altar. You didn’t get a chance to talk to Steve much but according to Bucky they were basically brothers and he couldn’t imagine anyone else officiating his and Wanda’s wedding.

The vows were short and sweet but they still managed to leave everyone in tears, they had nothing but love and fondness for each other and everyone felt it. When Wanda talked about falling in love with Bucky, you felt a pair of eyes on you. You tried to keep your attention on her, but Druig’s orbit had pulled you in again. In what felt like no time at all, Steve had declared them Mr. and Mrs. Barnes and instructed them to kiss.

You and Druig followed their lead as they walked back up the aisle and into the house. The plan was for the wedding party to get their food and drinks and join everyone else back outside, Wanda wanted to wait to take pictures during the golden hour before sunset. It had always been her favorite time of day so you weren’t surprised.

“Hey,” you pulled her to the living room, “is it okay if me and Druig step out front for a few minutes?”

She practically shoved you out of the door. “Finally! I don’t care, as long as you're back for pictures.”

When it was just you and him again you felt nervous, like you weren’t in the same situation with him just hours before.

“So,” he started, “what did you want to talk about?”

He stood so close you almost forgot what you wanted to say.

“Us.” It came out as a whisper.

“Oh so there is an ‘us’?” He brought his face closer to yours, his voice lower than it was before, “Do tell me sweetheart, does this mean you won’t run away after I kiss you?”

“I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

He didn’t take the bait, which you were secretly thankful for. If he did, you two probably would have missed the rest of the party, and even if Wanda and Bucky would have understood you would have never forgiven yourself. “We can save that for later, we only have about ten minutes before we need to get back.”

You tried to suppress a laugh and failed, “You’re such an ass, you just want to hear me talk.”

“I do love hearing your voice.” He admitted.

“Stop flirting!” You gently pushed him back so you could focus better, “I know this is technically new, we haven’t even had a proper conversation about us yet but I’ve known how I’ve felt about you for my whole life. I hate that we spent so many years at each other’s necks and I’m sorry the only way for me to cope was leaving. I know moving back won’t make up for the years I was gone, but I’m hoping we can make up for lost time now.”

He took a moment to let your words sink in. You didn’t know it then, but he had half expected you to tell him you just wanted to be friends (which he would have been more than okay with). So when you all but told him you love him, he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not.

“When do you move back?”

You weren’t expecting him to ask that, but answered him anyway. “We have about a month to get all of our things out, so I guess it depends on how fast we pack. Why?”

He grabbed your hands and pulled you into his chest, “Me and Pietro were talking about flying out to help you and Yelena pack, wanted to see if that would be okay with you first.”

“What?” You smiled at him, “Can’t go a few weeks without me?”

“I just got you back, I’ll go mad missing you.” You wanted to kick yourself for thinking his feelings weren’t genuine.

“Would you judge me for feeling the same?”

“Never.” He leaned in to seal the deal with a kiss, and you would have let him if Pietro hadn’t barreled through the door.

“I know you two are having a moment and I hate to be the one to kill it, I really do, but we can’t wait anymore.”

“Right behind you.” You and Druig walked behind him, hand in hand, to the back yard.

The rest of the night was perfect. You got to witness one of your best friends marry the love of her life, and as an added bonus you got to watch the beginning of Yelena and Pietro’s love story.

Your parents were over the moon when you told them about you moving back, but that was nothing compared to the news about you and Druig. As it so happened, they had been planning your wedding with him since you were kids. Yelena took one for the team and asked them about temporary living arrangements.

Druig took the opportunity to talk to you alone one last time before the night had to end. “You’re not going to get on that train and never talk to me again are you?”

He was mostly kidding but you could tell a part of him meant it. “Not this time, you can get up early and take the journey with me just to make sure if you want.”

“Don’t tempt me.” He held you close, anyone who paid attention would have thought you were swaying with the music. “I’m really glad this weekend turned out the way it did.”

“I am too.” You knew then that you were finally whole again. Everyone you had ever loved were going to be in the same place. The same place that broke your heart and it was put back together again. It felt like the universe gave you a second chance to have the life you always wanted and nothing, not even yourself, was going to get in the way of it happening.

@stuckonjbbarnes @buckyssoldat

#druig x reader #druig x f!reader #friends to enemies to lovers #angst with a happy ending #marvel #mcu fanfic

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greenthena · 3 months

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Somebody to Love

Aziraphale does this little thing with his hand when Angel!Crowley starts gesturing all wildly like he does. It's like he thinks for a moment about reaching out to grab Angel!Crowley's hand. To make a connection. Or, I dunno, maybe, just for a second, he imagines Angel!Crowley is reaching out to him.

But Angel!Crowley is entirely preoccupied with the sheer joy of what he's made. He's really very self-absorbed. Not in a rotten way, but like a kid who is so pleased to have done something he finds wonderful and is hyperfocused on his creation. The way Angel!Crowley looks back to his nebula in the end of the gif above. He's made a connection, already. But he's connected to this thing he's made, not to another angel.

It's not until Aziraphale tells him that the word from upstairs is that Angel!Crowley's nebula is only going to last a few thousand years that Angel!Crowley finally really looks at him. And even then, Angel!Crowley still doesn't reach out to make any meaningful connection with Aziraphale. Instead, he shares his plan to go straight to the top and give the Almighty some suggestions for how to run things. Angel!Crowley has the confidence (in this case meaning a combination of optimism and naivete) that God will hear his questions because he has no concept of self-doubt. He is entirely confident in his own abilities and because of this, he's not looking for a peer to fulfill his needs, even his need for connection.

Fallen Crowley has to be self-sufficient because he can't trust anyone. Hated by Heaven, loathed by Hell. How will our hero cope? And, yes, he trusts Aziraphale more than he trusts anyone else, but that trust is fragile and we rarely see Crowley lean into it. We see how very new and delicate this trust is in 1941, after the bullet catch when Crowley says, "You said, 'trust me.'" And Aziraphale replies, almost in disbelief, "And you did."

Now hear me out. Angel!Crowley's brand of self-sufficiency is the precursor of Fallen Crowley's trust issues.

Angel!Crowley demands a bit of help from a passing angel, barely acknowledges the help provided, responds flippantly to Aziraphale's praise, and ignore's Aziraphale's advice to proceed with caution in his dealings with the higher ups. Angel!Crowley only engages in connection with Aziraphale (and I'm guessing other angels, as well) when he needs something. Unlike Aziraphale, Angel!Crowley's not a particularly social being (at least from what we're shown) except when social interactions create immediate, tangible benefit to him. (I say this with nothing but love for Angel!Crowley, myself an AuDHD adult who struggles to understand the function of many forms of social interactions.)

I think that in the Fall, Angel!Crowley's self-sufficiency shifted from a sort of confident, creative individualism to a withdrawn, mantled motivation for self-protection. Crowley's never been good at connecting with others. As an angel, this manifested in his demonstrated tendency to become fully absorbed in his work. As a demon, we can see this same trait evidenced in his trust issues.

But here's what I find fascinating. On the wall, when Crowley slithers up to Aziraphale, it's the demon who initiates the bid for connection.

As Angel!Crowley, his self-sufficiency had been buttressed (yes, I'm sticking to my word choice) by his innate connection to the Almighty. He didn't seek out connection with other angels, because he already felt naturally connected to his Creator. But Fallen Crowley has lost that connection. So now, he's torn between protecting what's left of his identity, shielding himself from additional suffering, and inching his way toward trying to find someone with whom he can connect.

And now, please cue Freddie Mercury.

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #the fall #somebody to love #that went down like a lead balloon #go meta #good omens meta #queen #freddie mercury

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fullsunrise · 5 months

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Playing With Fire (M)

Word count: 1.8k

Pairing: Johnny x Original female character

Genre: Office AU, some angst, light smut

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol, Johnny is a bully, heavy sexual themes, non-explicit smut (don't hookup with your coworkers!), uh semi-public sex

A/N: Uhhh I don't know what this is, but it's pretty much self-indulgent lmao

There was nothing quite like early winter in the city, with the twinkling lights tangled in the bare trees and a to-go coffee that was almost too hot. This early in the morning, there was no one around. It was calming, and Nari wanted to appreciate the silence before all hell broke loose. She sat on the unoccupied bench outside of her building, savoring the last five minutes she had until she had to face her worst nightmare. That nightmare happened to have a name: Johnny.

Johnny Suh from Sales. Even thinking about him made Nari’s eye twitch. Ever since she was forced to work with him on her latest project, he made it his sole mission to make her life a living hell. Never once in Nari’s career has she had to work with someone so egotistical, cunning, and above all else: annoyingly attractive.

Although she had been working at her company for the last two years, she had never heard of him. Not until she saw an unfamiliar name CC’d on an email from her boss. Confused, she made her way to her boss’s office.

“He's been here almost as long as you have, I believe,” her boss told her. “Great guy, it should be a breeze working with him.”

It was hilarious how wrong he was. Nari’s reality was most definitely not a breeze, but more like a hurricane. Whatever higher being set this up was surely laughing at her now as she struggled against the powerful storm.

To stand any chance, Nari knew she needed any advice she could get. And who else was more equipped than Jaehyun? After years of working at law firms across the city, Nari was sure he was the only person who could understand how to deal with egotistical monsters.

“I'm just saying, maybe try to avoid any interactions with the guy. I mean he's clearly a prick,” Jaehyun said, then took a sip of his beer.

“Trust me, I've been trying to avoid him but it's impossible when we have to work directly together,” Nari replied.

It was hopeless. Johnny was too smart. Careful not to push it too far, he was only condescending to her face. He made sure his actions spoke for him, though. Like last week when he went out to lunch with their project team, he accidentally forgot to invite her. And just a day ago, she swore he was whispering about her to another coworker in the kitchen. Then he laughed loud enough for Nari to hear, only confirming her suspicions. It was subtle, but enough to make her go insane.

“Don't let him get to you,” Jaehyun offered. “You know he's only doing this because he feels threatened by you.”

Threatened? Why would Johnny be threatened by her? Nothing about her was particularly threatening. Sure, Nari was good at her job but she never did anything that would cause someone to dislike her. And certainly she would never step on anyone just to get a promotion. In her corporate life, Nari made sure to remain honest, social, and professional. Unlike Johnny, who couldn't have a more opposite approach.

“I’ll try,” she replied. “But enough about me. How's it going in your world?”

“Same ol’ bullshit as always,” he chuckled.

They spoke about their jobs for a while longer, laughing at random anecdotes from the week. Nari didn't speak about Johnny again, and shortly the thought of him was washed down along with her Gin and tonic. Somewhere between her first and third drinks, Jaehyun asked her how her dating life had been. It caught her off guard only for a moment as she reached for an answer in her muddled brain. With her thoughts slowed, the best she managed to pull was a horrific yet comical dating story. Jaehyun laughed along with her and shared his own. It was always weird talking about her love life with Jaehyun but it was still nice nonetheless. But she would never get used to it, even though there were no lingering feelings left between them.

Nari came back to her apartment feeling a bit lighter after seeing Jaehyun. While he helped her forget about Johnny momentarily, Nari dreaded tomorrow. It was the day of the company holiday party. Normally Nari looked forward to it every year, but the idea of running into Johnny made her stomach churn. Sure, there were going to be a lot of employees and plus ones but the chance of seeing him wasn't zero.

The next day quickly flew by, with little to no urgent work that needed to get done. Nari always appreciated slow work days, but today she wished the day lasted a bit longer. Because as the moon rose in the sky, she knew could no longer hide.

The rooftop lounge was packed with her coworkers spread out across fancy bar top tables. Nari and a few of her team members claimed a spot close to the bar. While she was promised it would limit any unwanted interactions, the idea of walking up with all eyes on her made her mouth dry.

“I’m gonna get another drink,” Nari shouted on top of the loud music.

Much to her relief, Nari didn't recognize the people she passed on her way to the bar. No Johnny in sight, her shoulders relaxed instantly.

“One Old Fashioned, thanks,” the guy with slicked back hair in front of her ordered. Ugh, what kind of person would order that?

The guy with the slicked back hair turned around, and the moment Nari locked eyes with him she was frozen in place. The worst scenario Nair conjured in her mind was happening right now, in real life.

Johnny looked at her for a second before turning away to talk to his friend. That didn't bother Nari, but the fact that he decided to brush past her like she was invisible set her off.

Chasing after Johnny wasn't how Nari expected to spend her night, but there she was pushing through the crowd. Johnny moved fast, but she was able to catch up in the bathroom hallway.

“Why?” The liquor coursed through her veins, giving her the courage to speak up.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Johnny deadpanned, as he turned around to look straight through her. It was clear he was avoiding her question, which in turn only made her angrier.

“Don't play dumb, you know what you're doing,” she accused, her voice raising.

“You're going to be a bit more specific than that, sweetheart,” he said, crossing his arms across his chest.

“So you're just going to pretend like you haven't made my life a living hell the last few months?”

“I think that's too harsh,” he answered, his expression softening. That look could've worked on other women, but Nari wasn't going to give in.

“It's the truth, you've hated me ever since that day.”

“When did I say I hated you?”

Jaehyun’s words echoed in her mind. “Admit it, you’re threatened by me.”

Bingo. Her words seemed to strike a nerve with Johnny, because the next thing she knew he grabbed her arm and pulled her into the bathroom. Warning signs went off in her head immediately, but it happened so quickly that she couldn't break away.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he seethed, taking a step closer to her.

Was he always standing this close? The temperature was rising, and Nari could feel the blood rush into her cheeks.

“I think I do,” Nari breathed, trying to sound confident. But her quivering voice didn't fool him.

His kisses were feverish against her skin he left bites along the curve of her neck. As he made his way down to her collarbone, Nari’s eyebrows scrunched together. With her lips slightly parted in pleasure, Johnny took the opportunity to steal the air from her lungs in one swift motion. His lips were rough and chapped from the cold, but the way they molded to her own left her utterly breathless. When he abruptly bit her lower lip and gazed at her, she knew she was done for. Deep desire pooled in his eyes and her body craved more of the pleasure he brought. Nari knew right then and there that she had no plans of stopping him.

“No, you don't,” he asserted, breaking the kiss for only a second before diving back in.

Her back was flush against the wall now, the cool tile contrasting against the heat of her skin. Johnny held the side of her jaw forcefully, with his other hand tracing the contour of her waistband. Out the window was her moral compass along with her dignity, her judgment clouded with pure desire.

The sensation of his hand dipping lower only added to her bubbling lust. Without warning, he snaked his hand out of her waistband. Nari whined at the loss and Johnny chuckled in amusement.

“Oh?” he mused, his grin never leaving his face. “You don't like that?”

Nari could only shake her head in response, her brain too muddled to think clearly. Satisfied with her frazzled state, Johnny resumed his motions. Her gasps bounced off the bathroom walls as she chased the high, no longer caring who could hear. With each moan that escaped her lips, she began to fall apart. Strands of hair came loose and tears of pleasure pooled. Her release was imminent, but before she could reach the climax Johnny suddenly stopped.

“I'm sorry, did you want more?” he asked, forehead pressed to her own.

Falling from her high, the reality of the situation came back into focus. What the hell was she doing? Not too long ago Nari couldn't even fathom being in the same room as Johnny, let alone letting herself unravel in front of him. It almost sickened her how quickly she folded under his spell. He knew exactly what he was doing and Nari was willingly falling right into his trap.

“Please,” she replied as she tried to catch her breath.

That was all Johnny needed to continue. With her pleasure still heightened, it took Nari only a few minutes to fully come undone. If Johnny wanted, she would let him take her right then and there. All the sirens in her head told her it was wrong, but why did it feel so right?

“See you tomorrow,” he snickered as he pulled away from her. Giving her a quick once over, he left the bathroom without another word.

Left alone with nothing but her reeling thoughts, Nari glanced at her reflection in the mirror. Disheveled hair and smudged mascara. Nari could barely recognize herself. As she attempted to fix her unruly state, Johnny’s words mocked her. Their little affair was going to cost her. She wasn't going to get fired over it, no, but her impulses were going to cost her the little bit of sanity she had left. Johnny was going to take it all and ruin her beyond recognition.

#nct 127 #nct fanfic #nct #nct 127 fanfic #johnny nct #johnny suh #suh youngho #johnny nct smut #johnny suh smut #nct smut #nct 127 smut

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thefallennightmare · 1 year

Text

Truth-one shot

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 8800

Warnings: heavy duty angst, swearing, fluff, mention of death and alcoholism, implied smut.

Summary: Years after losing her husband, Reader needed a change and decided to move to a new apartment in a new city, hoping for a fresh start. She always had questions about what happened to her husband but never expected her neighbor to be the one that had all the answers she had been looking for.

Authors Note: Holy shit, this is a long one. Took me two days to write with my busy schedule. So, apologies for any small mistakes, I didn't proofread. 32 pages, can ya blame me? Hope Ya'll like it!

I walked up the last few steps towards my apartment, the long and emotional day finally catching up to me. The three-hour drive turned into a six hour and with half of my day gone, the thought of climbing into bed brought a soft smile to my lips. The amount of people I had to plaster a fake smile for mentally drained me, so I was thankful I didn’t have to see anyone for the next 12 hours until someone undoubtedly face-timed me to check in.

Grief wasn’t something I expected to deal with overnight and the support was nice when needed. But it had been years since that night, I was at the point in my life where I was ready to finally move on and accept it, even if his family continued to check in every day.

Whatever joy I felt about being able to quickly slip inside and into my bed left my body when I noticed two guys hanging around the apartment door across from mine, chatting amongst themselves. Internally I groaned when I knew that I wasn’t going to go unnoticed by them. Almost every day one of them would ask for my number or ask to come inside. It never got physical and they accepted no the first time.

It still bothered me that they tried every day.

“Hey baby, why the long face?” One of the guys asked.

Not wanting to deal with any of them today, I ignored them and reached my door in a quick flash, ready to get this interaction over with. However the other guy had stepped in front of me to block me from entering my apartment.

Unbeknownst to them, I had gripped my car key in between my fingers; to be safe.

“Please move. I’m not in the mood tonight.” I threatened.

He licked his lips. “Come on. One night with us will change your mood. I guarantee it.”

I sliced my eyes into him. “Move. Now.”

He didn’t budge and the other guy was now lurking behind me. My heart hammered in my chest, not knowing what was to come. The key could only do so much damage with the two of them.

“Everything alright?”

I looked over my shoulder and let out a long breath of relief when I saw my next door neighbor leaning against his doorway, concern etched on his face.

“Doesn’t concern you.” The guy behind me said while not taking his eyes off of the back of my head.

“I think it does,” my neighbor said.

The guy that was blocking my path inside didn't bother to see who my neighbor was before he spoke up.

“Man, get back inside. She's fine!”

“She doesn’t look fine.”

The same guy grabbed my hand, ignoring my neighbor, and led me towards my door giving an extra hard push.

“Tell him babe, you’re with us.”

I haven't officially met my neighbor, only seeing him in passing, so I hoped he understood the look of despair I gazed his way. If that didn’t catch on, the way I mouthed ‘help’ should have.

Before I could register what had happened, my neighbor had the guy behind me on the floor clutching his stomach and the guy in front of me pinned up on the wall, gloved fingers around his throat. By the look of fear in their eyes, it was clear that they finally realized who saved me.

“I don’t want to see you lurking around here or bothering her again, understand?”

They guys were out of sight in seconds, not wanting to get on the wrong side of my neighbor again.

“You alright?” He asked while giving me a quick once over with his intense eyes.

I nodded, my heart calming down. “Yeah, thank you for that. They always hang around but never got that close before.”

My neighbor nodded. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”

He went to walk back into his apartment but my quiet voice stopped him.

“Thank you again, Mr. Barnes.”

He turned to face me once again. “You can call me Bucky. I’m around anytime if you need something.”

We shared a small smile before slipping into our own apartments.

The quiet solace of my apartment was everything I needed after the absolute hell of a morning I had. I never meant to raise my voice at her, she was hurting too, but she was asking questions that I didn’t even know the answer to.

“I never said I don’t miss him, Barb. It’s just been so long that I can’t keep dwelling on the what if’s.”

“How can you say that? Don’t you want to know what happened to him?”

“Of course I do! But there’s no leads; no answers. I don’t know what else you want from me.”

“He’s my son, Y/N. I will find out what happened to him whether you want me to or not!”

“He was my husband, Barb! I don’t have any fucking answers on how he died because I don’t know how he died! The cops don’t even know. So stop thinking I’m hiding something from you.”

My mother in law meant well but she was tired of not having answers to what happened; we all were. But none of us were accusing each other of hiding something.

I let out a deep, aggravated sigh, while I pinched my eyes shut, hoping it would help the headache that was slamming behind my eyes. My body molded into the couch, hoping that it would ease away the worries I felt. The darkness I saw behind my eyes began to fill with memories that night, hours before he died, and my veins filled with regret knowing that I was the reason he was dead. I kicked him out that night, told him not to come back unless he kicked his habit.

Alcohol consumed his life and it wasn’t something I could deal with anymore.

The constant fights because of him staying out all night at the bars or showing up to important things drunk as hell.

Maybe if I let him stay, he would still be alive.

I quickly shook those thoughts out of my mind, knowing that even if I did keep him home that night, one way or another he would have still wrapped his car around a tree.

The only answers the cops could give me was that they believed he was driving drunk. I believed them because I knew the kind of man he was; as much as he loved me, he loved the booze a bit more.

His mother never wanted to believe that her “precious son” could have those demons so when I told her what happened, she didn’t believe me.

My phone’s alarm went off with the message laundry and I remembered that I had been working on my laundry when Barb called.

Making sure my phone and keys were in my pocket, I let my door close behind me as I walked down the long hallway and hung a left, the communal laundry room coming in sight.

I always chose to do my laundry in the middle of the night because everyone else in the building was asleep so I didn’t have to worry about someone hogging all of the machines.

So to say I was surprised when I saw someone else in the laundry room was an understatement; mostly because Bucky had his back to me, folding away. I only knew it was him because of the metal fingers that worked to fold a shirt of his.

“Here I thought I was the only one who did laundry at 3 am,” I smirked while walking past him.

Bucky gave me his own. “I usually don’t but couldn’t sleep so I figured I might as well get a couple loads done.”

Realizing that my clothes weren’t quite dry yet, I set them for another cycle before giving Bucky my attention once again.

“Did I have my t.v to loud? I only moved in six months ago and sometimes forget that these walls are paper thin.”

He quickly shook his head when he noticed the sorrowful frown pulling my lips.

“Not at all. Just couldn’t sleep,” Bucky shrugged.

There were rumors around the complex of him, some that I opted to pay no mind too but there was one that I did believe; his nightmares.

The walls were incredibly thin and you can hear a conversation from the person on the other side of the wall. Which meant I had heard Bucky have nightmares once or twice. Given who he was and what he used to do, I couldn’t blame him for having them.

For a brief moment, our eyes locked and the fire I felt burning in the pits of my stomach with how intense his gaze made me bite the inside of my cheek. I had only seen him in quick passes so never got the chance to actually look at him. His blue eyes were dark, filled with exhaustion, but somehow still shone bright. His stubble that covered the lower half of his face was filled with a few gray hairs, and the long hair that he had when I saw him a few nights ago was gone.

My mouth fell open. “How did I just notice you cut your hair?”

Bucky smiled. “Needed something different.”

“Well you look good. I mean it looks good. Not that you don’t look good, you do but your hair looks good too.”

Words spewed out like vomit before I had the chance to stop it. I felt my cheeks burning in embarrassment. It had been so long since I attempted to flirt with someone and the first chance I had, I blew it.

“I’m just going to glue my lips shut now before I embarrass myself even more.”

Bucky chuckled while lifting his basket with ease, metal arm twinkling in the overhead light. Some of the other rumors that went around the complex was that people were afraid of him because of his arm. But I always found myself intrigued with it.

Black with gold lines twisting and turning all around his arm. I wanted to trace it with the tips of my fingers.

“If you glued them shut then we wouldn’t be able to keep talking,” Bucky said.

“I’m sure there are other people around here that will be glad to talk to you without embarrassing themselves.”

He shrugged. “I don’t like talking to them as much.”

My brow peaked at his comment. “Are you saying you like talking to me?”

He gave me a wink before walking out of the room while calling over his shoulder.

“You look good too by the way.”

The previous heat I felt down below intensified and had to swallow the moan that came crawling out of my throat. This was the second interaction we shared that lasted more than a few seconds and slowly he began taking over my mind where I found myself thinking of what he was doing and how badly I wanted to talk to him or see him.

“God, I need a bath and a large milkshake,” I groaned to myself as I reached the last step of the floor to my apartment.

My eight hour shift that started at six this morning became a fifteen hour shift and now that it was reaching close to nine in the evening, I never craved sleep more than I did right now.

As my door came into view, I quickly noticed that Bucky’s door was open and he was hanging around it, a few people with him. They were chatting amongst themselves and clearly having a good time so I decided not to impose. My head was down as I searched my purse for my keys, trying to go unnoticed.

“Long day?”

Bucky stepped away from his group of friends and leaned against my door frame.

I nodded. “My boss asked me to stay a few extra hours; I couldn't say no.”

“So I’d assume you’re too tired for a drink?” Bucky asked while stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve got the late shift tomorrow so I want to take advantage of the extra sleep.” I apologized.

He waved me off, saying he understood.

“Plus, I wouldn’t want to impose on your friends.”

“You wouldn’t,” Bucky shook his head. “But if you change your mind, the offer still stands.

I nodded a quick thanks before I watched him walk back into his apartment, the skinny brunette girl attached to his arm. A twinge of jealousy stirred in my stomach and I let out a gruff groan, knowing that it was ridiculous of me to feel jealous.

The rest of the night passed with nothing exciting, that was until I had decided to finally go to sleep, only to be kept awake by nightmares of that night. Flashing red and blue lights, his car wrapped around the tree, his body hanging out of the driver's side door with blood pooling from his head, and the sirens being drowned out by my screams.

I awoke with a scream, it echoed throughout my apartment, and my chest rose and fell with each heavy breath. It had been so long since I had dreamed of that night but it was still as raw as that night.

Once I had calmed down, I finally could hear what was coming from the wall behind me. The headboard banging against the wall in the apartment next door only getting drowned out by the moaning of what could only be described as ecstasy.

But as soon as I heard it, it ceased being replaced by hushed voices.

“Did you hear that?”

“Why’d you stop? I was so close.”

“I think the scream came from Y/N’s place.”

“Bucky, come on. I’m only in town for tonight. Don’t waste it on someone else. I’m sure that person is fine.”

Damn these thin walls.

With a quick jump from my bed, I tossed on a sweater and sweatpants before climbing onto my balcony through my large bedroom window, allowing the fall night air to calm my racing thoughts. I don't know who I thought was on the other side of the wall, clearly that was Bucky’s room and there was a brunette clinging to him when they walked back into his apartment.

It still stung to see someone else with him.

Why does it matter to you? You’re not even on his radar.

I shook the thought from my mind and looked up into the sky, hoping to see some stars. Why I ever moved to New York, I never understood. With the noise and lights, trying to look up to the night sky for some peace was inevitable.

Tears fell and I ghastly wiped them away as I thought back to my nightmare, visions of him lying there in death, all alone. Soft sobs fell from my lips and shoulders shook with despair and hatred that I allowed him to leave that night.

“Everything alright?”

I slightly jumped at the voice and saw Bucky leaning against the shared railings of our balcony, a beer bottle loosely hanging between his fingers.

“Yeah,” I nodded while avoiding his gaze.

Thankfully it was dark out here so he wasn’t able to see my tear stained cheek. Between the nightmares and hearing Bucky having sex with someone else, I was a wreck.

I wasn’t sure why the thought or image of him with someone else bothered me so much. This feeling was unknown, something I hadn’t felt in so long; since before my husband. Maybe that’s why I felt like this, guilty for it being because of another guy.

You fancy him, dumbass.

Blinking away the thought, I leaned deeper into the chair and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze.

“Anything I can help with?” Bucky questioned.

“I don’t want to keep you from your company.”

He quickly shook his head. “You’re not.”

“I’m fine, Bucky. I just couldn’t sleep,” I kept my eyes trained on the chipped away nail polish on my fingers.

The curtness in my voice didn’t go unnoticed by him. “I heard a scream-.”

“Bucky, there you are! What are you doing out here, it’s freezing!”

Both of our eyes landed on the woman that had slinked her way next to Bucky, a hand on his back and a soft kiss to his cheek.

My heart fell deep into my stomach and I let out a shaky breath to try and compose myself. I didn’t want to cry again, not in front of them.

“I’ll be there in a minute. I’m talking with Y/N,” Bucky nodded towards me.

I shook my head while standing to my feet. “I was actually about to head to bed. See you around.”

“Perfect, let's go Bucky.”

The brunette linked fingers with him, purposely avoiding his metal hand, and tried to drag him inside.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Bucky wondered.

I nodded, trying to hold the tears back but Bucky could see right through my facade and told the brunette he would meet her inside. Reluctantly she nodded and soon it was the two of us again.

“She seems nice,” I motioned towards where she was previously standing. “Sounds like you two had a good night.”

Bucky’s face fell when he realized what I was talking about. “You heard?”

“Thin walls.”

He cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry, we’re usually more quiet.”

“Oh, so this isn’t a one time thing?” I wondered.

“Does it matter?” He asked.

But then the confusion was replaced with humor, a sly smirk pulling at his lips. His elbows leaned against the railing, his face coming closer to me. We were so close now I was afraid he could tell that I had been crying so I kept my gaze trained hard to the floor beneath my feet.

A cool metal finger lifted my chin and I sucked in a breath when I drank in his gaze, so powerful and moving.

“Are you jealous?”

My lips parted, unsure of how to answer mostly because I didn’t even know if that’s what I was feeling. But I did recognize one feeling and was coursing through me; comfort.

It was a simple action, his finger lifting my chin, but that had been the first contact I’ve felt in so long that it almost over took me, the tears pooling at the corner of my eyes.

“No,” I finally answered.

Bucky snorted, not believing me. Whatever witty comment he had was gone when tears fell from my eyes, concern clouding his gaze.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” His hands now cupped my face.

I shook my head in his grasp. “I’m fine.”

“Y/N,” he urged. “You can talk to me.”

My eyes refused to meet him, knowing that if they locked, I would melt into him and tell him everything. He didn’t need that, though. He could have been dealing still with his own trauma, I wasn’t going to pour mine on top of it. I had been dealing with it on my own for so long, I could continue too.

I breathed, feeling his pinkies gently trace circles in the back of my head getting tangled in my hair. The slight action caused a quiet moan to fall from my lips.

Not a sexual moan but a need for more affection.

Bucky seemed to have understood so with his metal fingers he ran them fully through my hair and begged me with soft whispers to look at him.

I obliged.

His blue eyes bore down at me and with his touch, I felt myself crumble into him, my hands slowly grazing up his chest to his shoulders. I was ready to let it all go, let him in.

Until her voice sounded behind us once again.

“What the hell?”

Bucky turned to look at the brunette, ready to explain himself but before he had the chance, I slipped out of grasp with fresh tears falling.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.

His pleas to come back meant nothing as I slipped back inside, shutting the window behind me.

The buzzing from my phone on my end table meant nothing as I turned my back to it, adjusting a new position on my bed. With my blankets pulled up to my chin, another broken sob fell as the water from my eyes continued to stain my pillow case.

I knew who was blowing up my phone, I didn’t need to check.

Bucky had found my number from the apartment phone book the other day and he had been trying to get into contact with me to see how I was doing.

It had been almost a week since that night on my balcony and I had done everything I could to avoid him. Not sure why I felt I needed too, he only was trying to help.

Truth be told, the memories of my husband and his accident had caused me to go into a dark place, not wanting to leave my apartment let alone my bed. Since I moved to New York, I was alone, no one to share in my grief with which is why whenever a wave crashed over me, I fucking drowned in it.

When the buzzing phone finally ceased, I breathed a sigh of relief and forced my eyes to shut in hopes of letting the dark slumber take it.

Three persistent knocks to my window caused my eyes to spring open and when I saw Bucky sitting on the other side, I groaned.

“Leave me alone!” I yelled, fully engulfing myself in my blankets now.

The sound of the window opening and a large body all but crashing inside made me sit up in bed, brow perked in confusion. Bucky was standing in my bedroom now with a concerned gaze.

“You know for a former assassin, you’re not that quiet when breaking into someone’s apartment,” I stated.

He shrugged. “I thought about knocking on your door but figured you wouldn’t answer.”

I nodded. “You thought right. Feel free to leave that way though.”

My back was turned to him as I laid down in bed again, pulling the blanket to my chin. Bucky didn’t need to say anything, his warm presence was still felt behind me. I let out an annoyed groan before turning to face him again and it was then that I took in appearance for the first time. Gray sweatpants and a tight black shirt that hugged every inch of his chest and torso. His metal arm twinkled under the soft glow from the lamp in the corner of my room.

Even in somewhat darkness, he looked breathtaking.

“You’re not going to leave, are you?” I questioned.

When he shook his head, I reluctantly sat up and motioned for him to sit; he hesitated.

“If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t be inviting you in my bed right now,” I stated.

Realizing I had a point, he finally relaxed and sat on the edge of my bed. “Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?”

“You didn’t,” I reassured him with a small smile. “I’ve been dealing with some things lately, that’s all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bucky suggested.

I gnawed on my bottom lip, debating whether or not it was a good idea to talk to him about my problems. I didn’t want him to think less of me because of them.

You know he wouldn’t.

“I don’t want to keep you,” I began. “Especially if you’ve got company.”

Bucky immediately shook his head. “That’s over, I promise. You’re the only one that has my attention.”

My heart soared with his words and the redness that crept from my cheeks to the tips of my ears didn’t go unnoticed by him. I let out a deep breath to gain whatever courage I could and wondered where to start.

“I, uh, was married.”

Bucky’s body tensed at my words so I gently laid a hand on his knee. “Was. Not anymore.”

He relaxed with my touch.

“My husband, Rick, died about eight years ago. Next month actually,” I admitted.

His face fell. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ve done my best to move on, try to create this new life without him. Which is why I moved here. I thought a fresh start would help.”

“Why did you wait so long to leave?” Bucky asked.

“My mother in law. We only had each other and I never found the right time to leave. But the grief and questions became too much to bear so I had to stop thinking about how she felt and start taking care of myself.”

I almost didn't notice Bucky slip his flesh fingers between mine as I continued to tell my story.

Almost.

“She was so hell bent on finding the truth on what happened that her accusations pushed me away.”

“With his death?” Bucky questioned.

I let out a low sob. “Yeah. He-uh-he was driving drunk one night and crashed his car into a tree.”

My body shook with fresh tears as the memories began replaying like an old movie in the back of my mind, the wounds tearing open once again.

Bucky had snuck up next to me, wrapping his arms around me to pull me into his chest. I seeped into him, allowing his soft words of comfort to ease my pain.

“The images of him hanging out of his car haunt me to this day. I can't go to sleep without seeing him, bloody and cold,” I cried into his chest, hands grasping at his shirt.

He didn’t say anything, he didn't have too. If anyone understood how I felt, it was Bucky. His large hand rubbed circles on my back while I continued to sob, finally letting go for the first time in so long. I didn’t realize how bad I needed someone to just listen to my problems and comfort me, not criticize how I feel or accuse me of keeping secrets about Rick’s death.

“His mother blames me,” I muttered into Bucky’s chest.

“Why?”

I pulled slightly away from him and looked up into his eyes; they were clouded in sorrow. He cupped my cheek and with his metal thumb wiped the tears away, the coolness of it easing the redness caused by my cries.

“I couldn’t deal with his drinking any longer. It was ruining our marriage so I told him that he needed to leave and only come back when he was sober. Rick’s mom didn’t want to believe that he had those demons but he did. I held onto him for so long that I couldn’t take care of him any longer.”

“He got so good at hiding when he was drunk that I had no idea he was that night. Maybe if I had known, he would still be-.”

“Hey,” Bucky lifted my chin up to meet his gaze. “You cannot blame yourself for his actions, okay? None of what happened is your fault.”

I wasn’t so sure if he was talking to me or more so himself. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone that knew about The Winter Soldier's past that Bucky had so much trouble not blaming himself for what he did during that time.

My head pounded from all the crying and I had nothing left in me, emotionally, so all I could do was nod in his grasp.

“I’m here to help you with whatever you need to get past that guilt, alright?”

I nodded again. “Thank you, Bucky.”

He responded by pulling me into his chest once again, allowing me to ease into his comforting touch as he continued to run circles over my back.

Time had passed, the two of us locked together with my sobs being replaced with constant yawn after yawn.

Bucky began to pull away. “I’ll let you get some sleep.”

I squeezed him a bit, not ready to let go. “Few more minutes? I haven't felt this kind of comfort in so long. It’s nice.”

His lips brushed the top of my head and I melted into him again, my heart beating so hard against my chest I knew not only could he feel it, Bucky could hear it as well.

“Take all the time you need, doll.”

My heart fucking soared at the pet name.

Our laughter bounced off the walls of the complex as Bucky and I both ascended up the staircase towards home. I had been on my way home from work when I bumped into him one block away, with a bouquet of fresh flowers grasped between his metal fingers.

“You mentioned that you had a rough day at work so I thought these would make it better.”

His words from when I questioned him about them brought a smile back to my face.

Ever since that night last month where I told him about Rick, we had grown incredibly close. He was there for me when the nightmares got bad, or I needed someone to talk to; with me also returning the favor.

Even if he was in therapy to deal with his past, I was still by his side to lend an extra ear and a comforting hold.

If anyone was to ask what we were, I would tell the truth; friends.

That love to steal longing glances, the occasional flirty banter, and fingers lingering on one's skin longer than normal.

“You didn’t have to go out of your way to get me flowers, Buck,” I reiterated my words from earlier.

He shrugged as we turned the corner of the hallway, our apartments coming into view.

“Anything to bring a beautiful smile to your face,” he mused while throwing an arm over my shoulder. .

“Cheeky, aren’t you?” I giggled while patting his chest.

My feet came to a halt when I saw the lone figure leaning against my door, arms crossed in what appeared to be one thing.

Anger.

“Barb, hi. What are you doing here?” I asked, confused.

She shook her head. “Eight years. Today.”

My heart dropped. Bucky had been such a good thing in my life lately that I had forgotten Rick’s death anniversary was today.

“Oh.” I muttered.

Barb scoffed. “That’s all you have to say? What would Rick have to say about this?”

She motioned towards Bucky who still had his arm around me so he quietly slipped away and tried to leave but I gently grasped his arm to stop him.

“I can go. I’ll talk to you later,” he suggested.

While I shook my head, Barb’s demeaning voice spoke again.

“I think that’s a good idea. She doesn’t need you right now.”

My eyes snapped over towards her. “Excuse me? What gives you the right to speak to him like that?”

“Doll, it’s alright.”

“Doll?!” Barb shrieked. “How long has this been going on? What would Rick think?”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Nothing because he’s dead Barb. Has been for a long time.”

“I cannot believe you’ve moved on already. He was your husband for god sakes! He loved you dearly and this is how you repay him? Fucking the first man that touched you.”

Anger radiated off of me, Bucky noticing the way my breath became erratic so he gently laced our fingers together and nodded towards his door.

“Come on, let’s get inside.”

In our many talks I had mentioned a few times about how demeaning and cruel my mother in law could be but I put up with it for years because I was married to her son. The constant belittlement from her had knocked me down to my lowest and now that I was finally starting to feel better about everything thanks to his help, Bucky refused to let me get back to that low.

I held him back with a shake of my head before giving Barb my attention. “I don’t know why you came here. Like I said on the phone last week, I still don’t have the answers you’re looking for, Barb. Whether you want to believe it or not, your son was an alcoholic and it was his actions that night that killed him. I know it’s not easy to hear but Rick is gone and your quest to find answers to questions that don’t exist isn't going to bring him back.”

Barb shook her head, looking at me bewildered. “No. There’s a witness that was there that night. They said they saw someone in the road before RIck crashed. He swerved so he wouldn’t hit them. Not the lies you’ve been saying!”

“I’m not lying about anything!” I snapped, mouth ready to spew hateful things towards her.

Bucky squeezed my hand as if he could read my mind, knowing what I was about to say.

I took a deep breath to calm myself, knowing that no matter what I said to her Barb would never change her mind. She could never see her son in such a negative light.

“I don’t know what else to tell you, Barb. But I know that I can’t keep doing this with you; Rick wouldn’t want this. As much as we loved each other, he wanted me to move on. We talked about it all the time that if something happened to one of us that the other wouldn’t dwell on the heartbreak. He had demons, he tried to drown them with alcohol but they knew how to swim.”

Tears pricked my eyes. “Rick would want me to be happy, to find love with someone else. He would want the same for you.”

Without another word, I let Bucky lead me inside of his apartment, ready to finally leave Barb in my past.

“Are you alright?” Bucky questioned once inside.

I sat on his couch with a soft groan and nodded. “Yeah, it needed to be said. I hate that it took so long though.”

Bucky trekked around his apartment placing the flowers in a vase then grabbing a beer for him and a glass of water for me. I smiled a thanks as he sat next to me, his hand placed on my knee.

“I’m sorry for what she said to you,” I frowned.

He shrugged. “It's nothing you need to apologize for, doll.”

With his flesh hand on my knee and the metal one lounged on the top of the couch, his fingers inches from my face, I began tracing the gold lines, mesmerized by the design. Before when I would look or touch it, Bucky would flinch because he was afraid of how I would react to it.

“I don’t understand how you’re not afraid of it,” Bucky wondered.

“The way I see it,” I began while linking our fingers together, “This arm was your fresh start. Your old one did all of those horrible things and this one has done so much good, you can’t let the weight of the old one hold you back.”

A smile pulled wide on his face. “Who needs therapy when that advice is free.”

I giggled with a wink. “Plus, I come with some extra perks.”

Bucky smiled smugly with his eyes turning dark. “Care to explain what those perks are?

My lips went dry and I rolled my tongue over them, hoping it would help. The intense gaze I felt from Bucky was enough to lock me into place on his couch with my hands now in my lap clasped together in hopes they stopped shaking with nerves.

They didn't.

There was something between us, that wasn’t a question. But what exactly, I wasn’t too sure. We would flirt back and forth and have some small touches here and there but that’s all it was. Neither of us were brave enough to take the next step in this relationship.

I gnawed on my bottom lip while staring in Bucky’s eyes and I noticed the way his breath caught in his throat, unable to move as I slowly, oh so agonizingly slow, closed the distance between us. Meters from his lips, I hesitated though, my warm breath fanning over his plump lips. This close I could see how pink and full they were, practically begging to be kissed; ravished.

Lips parted and ghosting over each other, I could feel the softness against mine and when I glanced up into his gaze I noticed Bucky’s pupils were blown with desire.

Fuck it.

I crashed my lips to his in a slow but firm kiss, testing to see if he wanted this as much as I did. Soon we began to meld together, his hands gripping my hips while mine found his broad shoulders, nails digging slightly. He hissed against my lips, the sensation burning low in my core when he repaid the favor by digging his own nails into the bare skin of my back.

I nibbled on his bottom lip, begging to taste him, and his tongue slipped between my lips, exploring every inch of my mouth and I groaned when the heat expanded from my core all the way to my head, making me dizzy.

Our breathing had become ragged with desire, wanting to feel every single inch of each other's bodies. Bucky’s flesh hand tangled in my hair while his metal hand lifted me with ease into his lap, sprawling his fingers over the plump of my ass. My own hands ran down his chest, down his stomach to ghost over the belt of his pants before they snaked underneath his shirt, the skin of his stomach hot with lust.

“Bucky,” I moaned into his mouth when I felt his hips press into mine.

The hardness of his cock pressed against the confines of his jeans and a low groan echoed into his mouth when he pressed up against my heated core again.

Bucky’s lips left mine to start biting and nipping at the skin of my neck while I rutted slowly but firm into him. My hands gripped and pulled at his shirt, yanking it off of his head in a snap. I felt him tense under me as my eyes glazed over where the skin and metal of his arm met, the scars still looked fresh to this day.

I left soft, pepper-like kisses over each scar, letting him know that it didn't bother me.

“Bucky,” I breathed his name once again. “I need you.”

He spewed a few curses into the crook of my neck before finally pulling away, locking our lust blown pupils together. “Are you sure about this?”

I traced a finger down his cheek and scratched at the stubble on his face. “I’ve never been more sure about anything.”

That was all he needed before tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me to his bedroom.

The coolness from his metal fingers felt almost orgasmic on hot skin as we laid next to each other in bed, in a post-climax haze. Bucky’s fingers traced my spine from the top to bottom, over and over again, and he would leave light feathery kisses where his fingers missed.

It had been a couple weeks since our first kiss and we had been spending most of our time in his apartment since he had the bigger bed but tonight he surprised me by sneaking into my window while I was asleep, wrapping me in a warm embrace.

“For an ex assassin, you’re still not that quiet,” I muttered into his warm chest.

“I missed you,” he breathed into my hairline.

We then proceeded to spend the next hour tangled in between one another.

Our relationship had blossomed in those few days even if we had decided to take things slow, not needing to rush or put a label on it quite yet. Even though we both knew how we felt about one another.

His soft lips left the skin of my back and found its new mark on my neck, Bucky continuing the mark he began earlier.

“Bucky, I’m so tired,” I whined, playfully smacking him away.

With a fake groan of annoyance, he pulled away not before leaving a kiss on my forehead.

“I’m going to grab a glass of water then I’ll come back to bed.”

The dark slumber was within my grasp, fingers dancing towards it, so all I could do was nod in response. The bed shifted with the sudden change in weight and I wrapped the blanket around me, allowing the darkness to fully engulf me but only to be yanked from it a short time later by the sound of glass breaking.

“Babe, you alright?”

Silence.

“Bucky?”

More silence.

Pulling my brows together with confusion, I quickly dressed myself in Bucky’s shirt that he had worn over here and walked into the main living space of my apartment expecting to see Bucky cleaning up whatever broke.

However, I only saw the broken glass from a cup and a picture face down on the ground next to my couch.

“What the-?” I muttered while picking it up.

My heart sank when I saw what picture it was; Rick and I on our wedding day.

I mentally smacked myself because I thought I had taken down whatever was left of Rick in my apartment when Bucky and I started seeing each other. It wasn’t fair to him that I still had pictures or mementos of a past love up.

“Fucking dumbass. No wonder why he left,” I cursed to myself.

I scurried back into my room and reached for my phone, typing out a message.

I’m sorry that you saw that picture. I thought I packed everything up. Can you come back so I can make it up to you?

A few minutes went by with no response so I sent another message.

Or I can come over there if that’s alright.

A few more minutes went by with no response from Bucky so with an aggravated groan, I tossed my phone onto my bed with myself falling close behind.

“Way to fucking blow it, Y/N,” I grumbled while running my hands over my face.

Two days. Two fucking days Bucky had been ignoring my texts, calls, and persistent knocks to his door. I had been a wave of different emotions the last two days; Anger, confusion, and hurt; mostly hurt.

I never knew that Bucky had an issue about my past marriage since I talked about it openly with him so much and he helped me heal that part of mind and heart, moving on completely from it; with him.

The time we spent together was some of the best parts of my life and I would be a fool to say that it meant nothing to me. Bucky had become an important person in my life and the mere thought of losing him forever weighed heavy on my heart.

A heart that took so long to mend from past heartbreak and loss. A heart that took forever to find that perfect someone to pick up the pieces, make it feel whole; loved.

I sat up in bed with a start, the blankets falling from my body, when I was slammed with the sudden realization; it hit me so hard I almost fell right back into my bed.

I was in love with Bucky.

And I wasn’t going to let him get away.

Throwing whatever clothes on I could find, I was standing in front of Bucky’s door in less than a minute, knuckles rapidly knocking with no end in sight.

“Bucky, can you please open the door?” I called through the thick piece of wood. “I really need to talk to you.”

More knocking followed by more begging.

“I’m not going anywhere until you let me inside,” I informed him with crossed arms and all of my weight perched on my left foot.

“Do I have to pull some ex assassin bullshit and sneak in through your window?”

The door in front of me opened revealing a very tired looking Bucky and I cringed when I remembered that it was almost four a.m.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize what time it was.” I apologized.

Bucky simply nodded. “It’s alright.”

He went to shut the door again but I blocked it with an angry hand. “You’re not going to shut me out again. For two fucking days you’ve been ignoring me with no explanation.”

“Y/N, please-.”

“No!” I shot. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with you but I don’t deserve to be shut out like this especially after everything we’ve gone through and the things I’ve told you.”

Bucky ran a hand over the subtle on his cheek before nodding, allowing the door to open a bit more with me slipping inside before he could change his mind. I was in such a rush to tell him how I felt that I hadn’t noticed his sleeping attire; a pair of very tight black briefs and his hair was a tousled mess of slumber.

As breathtaking as he looked, Bucky needed to know how I felt.

“Did I do something wrong? I know you found that picture of Rick and I.”

He was quick to dismay my worry. “It wasn’t about the picture.”

My shoulders raised with confusion. “Then what is bothering you? Is it me, are you over us?”

“No, doll, trust me.” He hesitated to reach for me.

“Then tell me why the fuck you’ve been avoiding me?!” I snapped, voice raised in anger.

“I can’t,” Bucky shook his head, refusing.

“You’re kidding, right?” I scoffed.

He was in fact not kidding with the stern face he bore.

“God, I’m so stupid!” I covered my face with my hands. “I let myself open up to you, let you in my life when I needed someone the most, trusted you with my heart and you ripped it away from me. Right when I started to fall in love with you.”

Bucky blinked. “Wh-what did you say?”

Tears pricked my eyes. “I love you, Bucky.”

“Doll,” he breathed, unsure of what to say next.

“You don’t feel the same,” I nodded to myself, realizing what his silence meant. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Hasty wiping away the tears, I stormed past him only to be stopped by his metal fingers grasping at my wrist, pulling me into his chest. His lips crashed onto mine in a powerful kiss, tongues quickly finding each other in starvation for each others taste.

We shared many kisses but this one was different; it was the kind that made you fall to your knees with dizziness.

A good kind of dizzy.

“I love you too,” he pressed into my lips.

My heart jumped into my throat as his revelation. “Then why have you been ignoring me?”

Bucky stepped back slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. “There’s something I need to tell you. I wish I would have told you sooner, it might have saved you.”

“Save me from what?”

“Falling in love with me,” he linked our fingers together and set me down on the couch.

We sat with our knees touching and my heart was hammering so loud in my chest I knew Bucky could hear it. My mind raced a million miles a minute with different thoughts of what he had to tell me.

“The reason why I left the other night was because when I saw that picture, memories came flooding back, almost over taking me,” Bucky began.

“Memories? Of what?” I pressed.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair in clear distress. “I know what happened to Rick.”

I nodded. “Yeah because I told you. He was driving drunk.”

He disagreed with me. “He wasn’t drunk that night.”

I looked at him with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

With one last deep breath, Bucky fully confessed to his past transgression.

“Rick wasn’t drunk that night. He was sober and driving to meet with the head of the local Hydra group. I don’t know what Rick told you he did for work but whatever it was was a lie. Rick was hired by SHIELD to take back the super soldier serum I had stolen back in the 90’s.”

My eyes blinked with disbelief. “You’re lying.”

“I wish I was, doll. I knew who killed Rick.”

“Who?” I asked, afraid of knowing the truth.

Bucky hesitated, breath getting caught in his throat, before he spoke with broken words. “The Winter Soldier. And that was me.”

His bottom lip trembled the same time his nose scrunched up his disgust for his previous actions.

My whole world came crashing down from the heavens, falling into large pieces of debris around me. My heart was ringing in my ears that I swore I misheard Bucky. Everything I thought I knew about Rick’s death was a lie? Had Barb been right this whole time?

“No,” I stood to my feet with a start. “You’re fucking with me.”

Bucky reached for my hand but I snatched it away, a look of hurt flashed across his face.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t have a choice,” his broken voice begged me to understand.

I stopped pacing. “How’d you do it?”

Bucky refused to answer, only standing to try and get me to stop moving. Anger spilled out of me and I pushed his shoulders to force him back onto the couch.

“How did you do it?!” I seethed.

His tongue rolled over his dry lips. “I got in the way of his car so he would have to swerve out of the way. When he crashed, I had to make it look like he was drinking so I injected him with alcohol so it looked like he had been drinking all night.”

“No,” I sobbed. “This whole time I thought he was at a bar getting fucking wasted and was on his way home when he was actually sober!”

Bucky flinched but kept his eyes trained at his shaking hands.

“You fucking left him there to die!” I screamed. “You could have saved him!”

Bucky was on his feet now, shaking his head rapidly. “It wasn’t me, doll. I swear.”

“But you still did it!”

I shoved his chest, hard, and he stumbled back a bit but kept his stance.

“I wish I never did, Y/N. If I could take back everything I did when I was The Winter Soldier, I would; you know that,” he begged me to listen.

Sobs plowed through my body causing me to shake and fall to my knees with the truth of what happened that night. The man that I found myself falling in love with had killed my husband. How do you get past that?

But it wasn’t him. He had no choice.

I screamed at the voice in my mind, telling it to shut up.

“Doll,” Bucky knelt down to reach for me.

My fist collided with his cheek knocking him onto his ass and rage took over my vision as I straddled his hips, landing blow after blow to whatever part of flesh I could hit; face, head, neck, chest, stomach, and flesh arm.

Bucky never stopped me, allowed me to hurt him; try to anyway. The super soldier serum that flowed through his blood every day made it so it felt like he was getting slapped by the wind.

“Fuck you, Barnes! I hate you!,” I bellowed while going to attack his metal arm.

In a swift movement, I was now being straddled by Bucky who had both of my hands pinned above my head with his metal fingers gripped tight. Tears fell from his eyes onto the skin of my neck and his chest rose and fell with deep breaths.

“You don’t mean that.”

I writhed in his grasp, trying to break free. “I do! You’re a monster, I hate you!”

When the words left my lips, I immediately regretted them. I knew that he wasn’t a monster, I was only angry at his revelation. I never meant to call him that. Whatever anger I had spilled out of my body through the floor beneath me and I tried to break free once again from Bucky, to reach for him.

“I didn’t mean it,” I cried.

He nodded before pulling me into his chest, arms now wrapped around me. He hushed my cries with whispers of sorrow and promised to make it right; make everything right with me and us again.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m so sorry.”

My hands clutched at the muscles of his back, my own words being muffled by his chest.

How could anything be right with us again with me now knowing the truth? Nothing would ever be the same.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes and reader #bucky barnes and you #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x yn #bucky barnes and yn #bucky barnes reader insert #james buchanan barnes x yn #james buchanan barnes and yn #marvel #the winter soldier

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