#i didn't know that not being in her life will hurt this much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

morgy-doo · 3 days

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school bus graveyard realtionship headcannons

^ such cuties

Ashlyn Banner~

insanely protective

when you are in the phantom dimension this girl is mostly focused on making sure you don't get hurt/die

keeps you away from Aiden in that dimension so you don't end up getting roped into something stupid

Altho she isn't the most affectionate person, she will grab your hand and squeeze it tightly when she is nervous

she begrudgingly...after ALOT of begging, allowed you to play with her hair, when it is undone it is super wavy from being in those plaits all day

if you every get seriously hurt/die in the demon dimension, she will act calm and collected at first, but then totally lose it

she wont cry until she is alone of course

refuses to leave you alone until she knows you are better

after that she doesn't let you leave her sight

she just wants to keep you safe and close to her

Aiden Clark~

your more of a mother/father than a girlfriend/boyfriend-

CONSTANTLY bouncing off the walls

literally-

at one point in your relationship he would tell you he had a cute date planned....you had no idea that it was skydiving

he loved it

you not so much

in the phantom dimension he is using you to back him up in arguments

and he definatley tries to show off for you at one point

when they get locked in the mental assylum, he paints his face as you instead of the clown because why not

he found it endearing, you found it absolutely terrifiying

if you die then he will go silent, not as energetic or bouncy until he knows you are okay again, he constantly brings you things to entertain you with while in the hospital

he just wants you to never get bored of him

Ben Clark~

the most sweetest boyfriend ever

he will buy you flowers out of nowhere just to see you smile

sometimes he feels bad that he cannot say how much he loves you verbally

constantly has hand cramps from writing huge paragraphs about his love for you

the type of boyfriend to just pick you up and hug you when you are mad

you help him calm down when his temper starts to flare up

he really enjoys doing soothing activities with you such as pottery, painting, and baking

he is AMAZING at baking

he loves making you food

in the phantom dimension he likes to have you on his back

to reassure him that you are still there and safe, and also as a way to have quick access to you when you are in danger

if you die in the phantom dimension he will have this deeply disturbed look on his face

he honestly looked after you better than the doctor did

he brought you home cooked meals, your clothes, some things to cheer you up

he wants you to feel loved and to know that he will always be there for you even though you cannot hear him say it

Taylor Hernandez~

such a sweetie

she is so good at reading your feelings and can tell when you are upset/ when something is bothering you

she has pictures of you two together all over her wall so she always has something of you with her

she loves matching outfits with you

she 100% owns a shirt that says "i love my boyfriend/girlfriend" and has no shame in wearing it

she has this ritual where she kisses each picture of you before bed each night and saying "i love you y/n" over an over until she has kissed each picture

Tyler was just stood in the doorway of the room terrified-

in the phantom dimension you both make a vow to protect each other

and she will protect you with her LIFE is she has too

if you die in the phantom dimension she would never forgive herself

she would think its her fault as she didn't stick to her side of the vow

she let you get hurt

will sob infront of everyone

honestly needs more comfort then you do

when you are on the road to recovery tells you all these silly stories about her and Tyler to see you smile

she wants you to never leave her

Tyler Hernandez~

this one is a mixed bag

lets just say you will be very aware when he has entered the room

you slowly help him start to enjoy baseball again

he invites you to practice to show you off to his team

you are now lumped into his protection pile

congratulations, you are now one of his top priorities

he wont say it very often, but he adores you

and he misses you very much when you aren't around

he plays guitar for you when he is feeling especially loving, he teaches you the songs his dad taught him

when you are in the phantom dimension he gets very angry very easily

he is just so overwhelmed and worried about keeping you AND Taylor safe.

he is terrified he would of failed in his job of protecting you

if you die in the other dimension he would be angry at everyone but mostly at himself

he would close off, he wouldn't speak to anyone and he ends up flunking some of his classes to see you at the hospital

he is very aggressive to everyone else but when you are getting better at the hospital he is all gentle smiles and sweet tones

he owes it to you for letting you down

he wants to be able to feel that he can provide and protect you

Logan Fields~

he thinks he doesn't deserve you

why would you pick someone small and pathetic when you can have the full package like Tyler

despite his self doubts he treats you as best as he can

he is the most cliche person ever

has definately watched the sun set with you

study dates are a must

you both defo have this little potted flower that you have "raised" together

he tells you ALL about flowers as he has alot of knowledge about them

when you are in the phantom dimension he always has this dreaded feeling sitting in his stomach

as if he knows something is gonna happen to you and he wont be able to stop it

the feeling would eat him up inside

if you die in the phantom dimension, he would be determined to be the reason you got better, that it wouldn't happen again

he wants you to view him as worthy of your love, and he would do almost anything to earn that

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pinkyqil · 3 days

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Struggles | a.Putellas x j.Hermoso

Hidden secrets series

Hidden secrets Masterlist

Warning: mention of pregnancy,

Four months into her pregnancy alexia whole body and perceptive had changed she thought that she could handle the changes that her body made.

but that came with a lot of over thinking and stressing about what could happen to her career.

Alexia knew not to be into her head that much but with everyone and everything spectating about her injured leg her mind couldn't focus on anything but that.

She tried her best to not focus on the negativity from the media but sometimes she just couldn't escape her own mind. she hated how the media started getting into her head.

Has it ever happened before ? Yes. but it had never gone way too far where she thought that she wasn't good enough.

if anything she was one of a kind but now she felt like a nobody.

alexia couldn't bother jenni with all of this, having the love of her life thinking she was pathetic would hurt way more than any other online comments about her.

Plus they've been redoing alexia whole places trying to make it accommodate with her needs and along with setting up the baby's room.

the only time she found comfort apart from jenni would be when she found herself spending time in her unborn child's room just the little things they've done in there gave alexia a bit of peace.

Currently resting in the rocking chair that had been placed in the room. Alexia had her head heavy in the clouds of thoughts.

were she hadn't heard jenni footstep especially when she called out her name.

Jenni on the contrary had rapidly noticed the swift changes in alexia behaviors.

She noticed it after alexia came back from her appointments and where they had barely spoken.

Normally the blond haired woman would have let her know anything that happened throughout the whole thing but on that day she barely spoke a word the moment she step foot into the house and just headed down to bed ignoring her.

So today when she found her sitting alone, she would make her talk cause she hated how the past few days had been for both of them.

After tapping alexia shoulder for what felt like forever getting the other woman's attention since she wasn't aware of her surroundings.

"Ale is everything alright?.

"mhm everything is ok".

jenni felt the emptiness from her voice she wanted to know what was going on but at the same time didn't want to stress out her beloved.

She would now find herself caressing her cheeks pulling her closer forming a hug between them.jenni could feel alexia tense body relaxed in her arms now.

"Wanna talk about it now".

Alexia slowly nodded her head finally deciding that she couldn't hold her struggles in anymore and needed someone.

Taking a deep breath before she stated speaking.

"I don't know jenni everything just feels frustrating not being able to do stuff on my own always needing help or assistance especially way more now I don't even feel like myself anymore"

Jenni felt herself pulling alexia into another hug as she couldn't utter a single word to comfort the woman right in front who was struggling.

she now made it a mission to make her feel better without making it seem like a chorus taking care of her.

Reminding her how talented and amazing she was cause no matter what she'll always be.

The Alexia putellas who doesn't let any obstacles get in her way.

Promising her that she'll always be by her side no matter what

Alexia obviously noticed jenni's effort in making her feel better but something in her heart felt a little empty that she couldn't explain but alexia wouldn't let it get to her head and just enjoy the moments.

Her heart truly belongs to jenni she thought thinking that her happily ever after would forever last.

A/n: hope y'all enjoy this chapter ik I promised longer chapters but I just can't seem to make it work but the other chaps coming would definitely make up for it. and has always ask ideas or any tips you have for me are always appreciated

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loriache · 16 hours

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Kabru, impossible mutual understanding & unknowable objects

Despite his concerted and constant efforts to understand other people, it’s established in a few extras that Kabru believes that true mutual understanding between certain different races is impossible. Specifically, between long-lived and short-lived races, and between humans and demi-humans. Partially, we can trace this conviction back to specific hang-ups caused by his life; the trauma of the Utaya disaster, prejudices he carries from his childhood, and his experience of racism among the elves. In this “little” essay, I’m gonna discuss how I think those experiences formed this belief, how it comes out in his actions, and how some of his actions seem to contradict it. The question of whether it’s possible to reach mutual understanding with other living beings despite our differences is one of the core themes of the manga, and I’ll also touch on how this aspect of Kabru’s character links to that.

Seeking understanding

Kabru is a character who devotes a huge amount of time and effort to understanding people, and he is very good at it. In his internal monologue, we can tell how advanced and complex his skills of analysis are. He is able to read a huge amount of information just from looking at people's faces and body language.

People are, to him, what monsters are to Laios. This is something that's been expanded on at length in other, excellent meta. It's the fact that they're foils; it's the fact that Kabru is also very easy to read as autistic, with a special interest which is the opposite and parallel of Laios'. It's something that came out of trauma and alienation, as Laios' special interest in monsters also began as a coping mechanism.

The complicated origin of this "love" for monsters and for people comes through, I think, in the fact that one of the places we see both characters use their fixation is in being very, very good at killing the thing that they love. This also ties into the idea that loving something isn't even remotely mutually exclusive with using it to sustain your own survival; using it for your own purposes; hurting it or killing it. Love can be, and often is, violent, possessive and consumptive. This understanding is part of what makes Kui's depiction of interpersonal relationships so compelling to me.

While Laios fixated on monsters and animals to seek a place of escape, in both his imagination and his self-image, from the humans who he couldn't understand and who couldn't understand him, Kabru seems to have fixated on understanding people in order to navigate the complex, socially marginal places that he has been forced into throughout his life. As an illegitimate child raised by a single mother with an appearance that marked him out as different to the point his father's family wanted to kill him, and a tallman child raised among elves who didn't treat him as fully human and wanted him to perform gratefulness for that treatment – treatment that, after he met Rin at age 9, he certainly always understood could be a lot worse – his ability to work out what people wanted from him, whether they were friendly or hostile or had ulterior motives, wasn’t just an interest. It will have been an essential skill.

Milsiril, I think, was a flawed parent who tried to do her best by Kabru and did a lot of harm to him despite her best intentions. She may have treated him much better than an average elf would have, but like Otta and Marcille's mother, there are other elves with different outlooks on short-lived races. How would they judge her treatment of him? We don’t have any insight on what it could be, but to be honest, the person’s whose opinion of her I’d be most interested in knowing is Rin’s.

But even if she'd been perfect, living as an trans-racial adoptee in a deeply hierarchical nation with a queen who is a 'staunch traditionalist' who wouldn't even acknowledge the existence of a half-elf like Marcille (according to Cithis) is an experience that would deeply impact anyone.

Elves & Impossible mutual understanding

While Kabru was living with Milsiril - in other words, while living in the Northern Central Continent - he came to believe that "there was no way to achieve mutual understanding with the long-lived races."

This is evident in his political project: he wants short-lived races to have ownership over the dungeon's secrets. Despite his dislike of the Lord of the Island, he's a useful bulwark to stop the elves taking over. Despite his doubts about Laios, Laios needs to be the one to defeat the dungeon, because if he doesn't the elves will take over.

Kabru still carries a deep scar from Utaya, one that was exacerbated by the fact that he never got an answer to any of his questions about what happened or why. This, despite the fact that Milsiril knows about the demon and how it works. Do you think Kabru, with his social perceptiveness that borders on the superhuman, wasn't aware that she knew more than she would tell him?

Given that, the fact that he gets to a place where he "doesn't have any particularly negative feelings about [elves/long-lived species]" .... well, to put it bluntly, I believe that he thinks that's the case, but I kind of doubt it. After all, if he did have resentment, of Milsiril (someone who was his primary provider and caretaker since age six, and who despite her flaws, loves him and who I do think he loves) or of elves (who he has had to play nice with for most of his life, in order to survive, and will still have to play nice with in order to achieve his goals, since they hold all the power) what would that do except hurt him and make his life harder? Kabru is Mr. Pragmatic, so I don't think he'd let himself acknowledge any such feelings he did have. Exactly because he can't acknowledge them, they're well placed to get internalised as beliefs about the Fundamental Unchangeable Nature of the World.

However, these stated beliefs seem to contradict his actions. Despite his belief in the impossibility of forming a mutual understanding, he certainly seems to try to understand long-lived people, just as much as he does short-lived people. There's no noticeable difference between his treatment of Daya & Holm versus Mickbell & Rin that isn't clearly down to their relationship with him. His skills of human analysis were honed and developed while living amongst elves, and as soon as he's alone with Mithrun he immediately sets to understanding him - his interests, his motivations, his needs, and his past.

He treats him considerately and without bias, and despite the fact that Mithrun conquering the dungeon for the elves is both a reenactment of a core part of his childhood trauma and a political disaster for his aims, that doesn't seem to colour his perspective on Mithrun negatively at all.

This is something I find extremely laudable about Kabru, and it's another way he parallels Laios. He seems to understand that people, as a rule, (in Laios' case, he understands this about monsters - and eventually, all living beings) will act in their own interests, and if those interests conflict with yours, might harm you. But that's just their nature, and it's not something that should be held against them; you're also doing the same thing, after all. The crux of Laios' arc is precisely that he has to accept the responsibility of hurting someone else in order to achieve what he wants.

Kabru is deeply concerned with his own morals, what he should and shouldn't do, but mostly in the context of responsibility for the consequences - a responsibility he takes onto himself. He isn't scrupulous about what he needs to do in order to create the outcome he wants, but if he fails to create that outcome, then....

He blames himself to the point of thinking he should die. He doesn't blame Laios, or seem at all angry with him, despite concluding he should have killed him to prevent this outcome. That's because in his eyes, ultimately Laios was going to act according to his own nature, and it's Kabru's fault for not understanding that nature well enough. He's extremely confident in his ability to understand and predict others, (including elves and other long-lived people). Then, where does his conviction that mutual understanding is impossible come from?

Partially, it's the "mutual" part. I'm sure Kabru, who isn't able or willing to deny Otta's insinuation that Milsiril saw him more like a pet than a son, has felt that his full interiority, the depth of his feelings and his ability to grow, act, and think as a fully equal being, was something that the elves around him just couldn't grasp. Because that was their excuse for it, he came to understand this as a gulf between short-lived and long-lived beings, an inevitable difference in outlook caused by their different lifespans.

This experience might be part of what leads to his iconic “fake” behaviour. He trusts his ability to understand others, but if they aren’t able to understand him, then there isn’t any benefit to being honest about his feelings and thoughts. If his attempts to reach mutual understanding with his caretakers were never able to be fulfilled, then it isn’t any wonder that he reacts with such surprise and horror at blurting out his desire to be Laios’ friend.

In his experience, making yourself vulnerable in that way only leads to being hurt. Soothing him, hushing him, lying to him, talking to him like a child that isn’t able to use proper judgement – that’s an inadequate and deeply hurtful way to respond to genuine distress, the desire for autonomy, or disagreement. Ultimately, I think that’s why he comes out on the side of being grateful to Milsiril; because she did equip him with the skills and knowledge he’d need to reach his goal, and let him go.

Though he could understand them, they couldn't understand him. To the extent that was true - which I'm sure it was - it wasn't due to anything about lifespan. It was due to the elves’ racism, and the solipsitic mindset & prejudiced attitude that it caused them to approach him with.

Because, if it needs to be said, the idea that there is an unbreachable gap in understanding between the long-lived and short-lived species is not true. Marcille and Laios have a much greater difference in lifespan than any full elf from any short-lived person, and they’re able to understand each other – maybe not perfectly, but better than many other people who are closer in life-span to them.

That doesn’t mean that I think Kabru is wrong about this, however. Because there’s an interpretation of his statement that is reflected in his actions and is true. When he talks about his problem with elves, it’s not just their attitudes: it’s their power, and what they use it to do. They “explain nothing and take everything”. Though it’s presented in the guise of ‘guiding and protecting’, in fact it’s a simple case of a powerful nation using their military power, wealth, access to resources, and historically stolen land – including the island itself – to protect their own interests and advance their own agenda. That’s why they’d be able to show up, seize the dungeon, and forcibly take Kabru’s party and Laios’ party to the West. If Kabru wants to stop that from happening, or change that status quo, persuasion or a bid to be understood would be completely pointless. Between the political blocs formed by long-lived species and the interests of short-lived species, “mutual understanding”, given their current, unequal terms, would be impossible. This is something that we see reflected in Kabru’s actions; before he asks his questions about the dungeon, he grabs Mithrun as leverage. He never really attempts to persuade the canaries to see his point of view, because that would be pointless: they’re agents of the Northern Central Continent’s monarchy, and will act in its interests regardless of any individual relationship with him.

I don’t think Kabru sees the different dimensions of this belief of his in quite such clear terms, however, as is evidenced by the other group who he thinks it’s impossible to communicate with.

Demi-Humans & Unknowable Objects

The other place that we see his conviction about the impossibility of mutual understanding is in the kobold extra.

I'm including the whole thing, because I think it's an excellent and clever piece of world-building. Aside from what it says about Kabru, which I'll expand on shortly, what this extra does is deconstruct and call into question the usual "fantasy ontological biology" present in these sort of DnD-like settings. Essentially, the kind of worldbuilding where a race (such as kobolds) can be described as war-like, and that's establishing something essential about their biological nature. That's common to the point that if Kui didn't include this, some people would probably come away thinking that's the case about, e.g., the orcs.

But here, despite what Kabru is saying, the information the reader actually gets is:

the conflict between short-lived humans and demi-humans such as kobolds is mostly over access to material resources that they need to survive.

These resources are scarce because powerful nations, such as the elves, have monopolised them.

Kabru, who has grown up in a place at the centre of these conflicts, ascribes essential, negative traits to a cultural group which was in direct conflict with his own. Communication with this other group is impossible; they aren't people, they're more like objects.

oh yes! just like this conflict between groups of tall-men, a conflict which the reader will immediately interpret as more clearly analogous to real-life racism. Our other protagonists also carry prejudices from growing up in a place where a marginalised group was in conflict with the dominant group over scarce resources. It's definitely impossible to communicate with these people, and you can only kill them.

Woah, when you say it like that, it sounds pretty bad!

But also, nobody walks away having had a realisation or unlearned their prejudices - because they don't have the tools they need to do that work. Yet. I do think, to an extent, it could happen - especially with Kabru, since it's suggested in the epilogue that Melini might become a safe-haven for demi-humans.

To focus in on Kabru, the key here is his statement that you should think of demi-humans as "unknowable objects". Even his extraordinary powers of understanding have seemingly hit a limit. Part of this is just inherited prejudice, and doesn't need to have a complicated psychological explanation, any more than the elves who were prejudiced against him need one.

But also... this is probably somewhat linked to the way demi-humans seem to be considered "pseudo-monsters". They're the place that the strict delineation between the human and the monstrous is permeated. Laios, who is not interested in humans, remembers and is excited by Kuro. Chilchuck and Laios argue over whether it's OK to eat a mermaid. Kabru's prepared to (pretend to) roll with the idea that Laios ate the orcs.

But these are people, aren't they? Of course, this is a social construction, as we see from the fact that in the Eastern Archipelago, the label of "human" is reserved for tallmen, but in most of the rest of the world it depends on some obviously arbirary classification based on number of bones; "demi-humans" aren't in any essential way monstrous, except to an extent in their appearance, and physical location - due to their marginal social status, they're pushed out to live in unsafe places such as dungeons.

Therefore, Kabru's view of demi-humans as fundamentally "other", unable to be understood - monstrous - could be read as akin to abjection, the psychoanalytical concept described by Julia Kristeva. In order to create a bounded, secure superego, that thing which permeates and calls into question the border between self and other, human and animal, life and death, is rejected and pushed to the margin.

“Not me. Not that. But not nothing, either. A "something" that I do not recognize as a thing.[...] On the edge of nonexistence and hallucination, of a reality that, if I acknowledge it, annihilates me. There, abject and abjection are my safeguards. The primers of my culture.” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 11) “It is thus not lack of cleanliness or health that causes abjection but what disturbs identity, system, order. ” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 13) “The pure will be that which conforms to an established taxonomy; the impure, that which unsettles it, establishes intermixture and disorder. [...] the impure will be those that do not confine themselves to one element but point to admixture and confusion.” (Kristeva et al., 1984, p. 107) (discussing food prohibitions in Leviticus)

This is both (due to its affinity with food-loathing and disgust) a very fruitful concept to apply to dunmeshi, and a psychoanalytical theory which I wouldn't exactly cosign as True Facts About Human Psychological Development. You may also know the abject from its utilisation in the classic essay "Horror and the Monstrous-Feminine" by Barbara Creed - that's a lot more approachable than Kristeva if anyone's interested.

Key here, though, is that through the symbol of the "demi-human" is embodied a step between "human" and "monster" - and that's a prospect that puts at risk the whole notion of an absolute separation between those two categories in the first place. To Laios, that's something wonderful, and to Kabru, it's terrifying. We can see this principle further embodied in the relationship both characters have with the notion of becoming monstrous.

To Laios, this is transcendent, and represents a renunciation of everything human - in fact, if it didn't, it wouldn't "count".

To Kabru, it's a deeply-held fear, established by his childhood alienation (due to his illegitimacy, his eyes, and perhaps also his neurodivergency), deepened by monster-related trauma and the sense of responsibility and survivors guilt he feels for what happened at Utaya. His identity as a human who is not monstrous is key to his sense of stability and safety; he doesn't want to touch monsters, he doesn't even want to see them.

To acknowledge a kinship, a possibility of similarity between the things he loves (humans) and the things he hates (monsters) would be more than touching them - it would be putting them inside him. We know, quite explicitly, that this notion is triggering to Kabru. He literally has what seems to be a flashback when he's about to eat the harpy omelette.

So he abjects it, classifying the demi-human as fundamentally unlike him - an unknowable object, or an object that he refuses to know. Because in understanding it, he would interject the things he hates and fears into his self, which is already, always under threat by that hated and feared object.

Of course, again, Kabru isn't very good at enacting this refusal in practice. For one, when he chooses between his desires and ingesting the feared object, eating monsters... he eats monsters. Part of this is treating himself badly, the "ends justify the means" mentality. His goal is to destroy all monsters, so if he needs to become monster-like to do that, he will. But part of it is also the other motivation that he didn't even seem to know about until he said it: he wants to become Laios' friend, and to learn from him how a person can like monsters. He wants, at least in some part of him, to reconcile the feared and hated object into something he can understand.

For another:

Kabru can speak the kobold language. In the first place, while this may have been common in Utaya, it also could have been something he chose to learn, an early expression of his interest in understanding and talking to all sorts of people. It isn't the kind of thing you learn if you believe that communication between yourself and the group that speak it is impossible, is it?

It's possible to harbour prejudices against a group while being kind to an individual, and given Kabru has those prejudices regardless of his reasons, that is what he is doing. But also, his treatment of Kuro doesn't reflect a sincerely held belief that he's an "unknowable object" at all. His approach is exactly the same as it is to any other person: an analysis of goal and motive, and an attempt to help if he's sympathetic and their goals align - going out of his way to give language and local knowledge lessons in secret. His conviction that Mickbell and Kuro will truly become friends when they can properly communicate is completely contradictory to any sense of demi-humans as fundamentally different, or impossible to reach mutual understanding with. To me, it seems like this self-protective shield against the corruptive force demi-humans as an idea present to his identity, this abjection, when Kabru is face-to-face with one, just simply can't hold up against his finely honed skill of intellectual empathy. Perhaps because he's autistic, it seems his "empathy" is less an emotional mirror response, and more a set of cognitive skills for analysis of others. That instinctual, emotional empathy might not trigger when presented with a member of an out-group, but if it’s possible for Kabru to turn his cognitive empathy off, we don’t see him do it.

This isn't to say that this prejudice doesn't affect his behaviour. For one, it could negatively impact his judgement of politics and policy, where individual people don't enter into it. For another, I'm not convinced he'd be willing to overlook Mickbell's exploitative relationship with Kuro if Kuro wasn't a kobold. As it is, since both of them are satisfied, he doesn't feel like he needs to intervene, regardless of the fact Mickbell isn't paying Kuro. But if Daya and Holm were in a relationship, and Holm took both Daya's and his own share from their ventures, but only compensated her in living expenses and kept the rest, do you think he'd tolerate it, for example? Even if she said it was OK?

Conclusion

The kelpie chapter establishes that "people can never know what monsters are really thinking." That isn't just true of monsters, though.

True mutual understanding is impossible - between anyone. We can never truly understand another person's heart. This is touched on in, for example, the existence of shapeshifters and dopplegangers. Even a monster that seemed like a perfect copy of a person wouldn’t be that person, and wouldn’t be a satisfactory replacement.

We’re intended, I think, to understand the winged lion's repeated suggestions to just replace people who have been lost with copies as something uncanny, which demonstrates the way that the winged lion never manages to attain a complete understanding of humans. A version of a person who was created to fulfil your memories of them, to be the person who you wanted them to be, would be a terrible, miserable thing.

Disagreeing, coming into conflict, and misunderstanding each other, are essential parts of what it means to be living beings, as fundamental as the need to eat.

The only thing to do is not to take more than you need to eat to survive, and not impose your own desires onto others. To do your best to sincerely communicate your desires, even if they're embarrassing or vulnerable or strange, like Kabru eventually does with Laios; like Laios does, bit by bit, with the people around him; like Marcille does, Chilchuck does, Senshi does... to hope they will accept you, and do your best to understand them in return.

We can re-examine, in that context, Kabru's line about the elves' tendency to "explain nothing and take everything".

They have the power to impose their preferred "menu" onto less powerful groups. And in that context, mutual understanding being impossible just means that they won't give up their power because they're asked nicely. Kabru's goal is to seize the truth that they won't give to him, and to create a situation where they can't take everything. Because he's accurately surmised that nothing about the treatment of short-lived races will change so long as the power imbalance remains. Despite the way he mistakenly ascribes part of that to "long-lived vs short-lived" or "human vs demi-human", the actual gulfs in understanding he identifies are structural, are about power and about access to material resources and safety.

I think he could come to recognise this. Yaad is teaching him political science after all, and while a prince's lessons on political science won't exactly get at much that's radical or invested in the interests and perspectives of the marginalised (Capital is a critique of for a reason after all...) I believe in Kabru's ability to learn critically and get more from a lesson than it was intended to teach.

#og post #kabru of utaya #kabru dungeon meshi #laios touden #dungeon meshi meta #dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #dungeon meshi analysis #kuro dungeon meshi #the canaries #milsiril #continuing to develop my kabru theses.#literally sitting and thinking about kabru all day. rotating him.#he's in the microwave. to me.

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scekrex · 2 days

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This is the same Anon who requested Lucifer’s Ex! Reader and I loved it <3 <3 and I’m really glad your interested in the angst fic 😭😭

One thing I disliked (?) about the finale, is that the Angel’s just LEAVE Adam’s body in hell. Like, no attempt to get it back up there, just “we’re gone, peace out 🫥✌️” So what if Reader, after being informed by Sera or Lute about Adam’s death, he quickly rushes down into hell to get his body (or honestly he just doesn’t believe that he’s dead yet)

When he gets there, he finds Adam and just breaks down. (imagine Reader putting his hand on Adam’s cheek and wiping away the blood, just like how Adam did with Reader’s tears all the way back in Eden 🥲) I’m also assuming this is literally as they’re rebuilding the hotel. So randomly they just see a portal open in the sky and assume its like reinforcements, only to see a single Angel come down and start crying over Adam. Everyone is just confused cause no one knows who the Reader is except Lucifer. (And probably Vaggie or Charlie -depending on how much she knows about her dads past-)

I’m not sure how I’d want it to end, but I thought maybe Lucifer tried to comfort Reader (not sure about that or if Reader just sees him, your choice), only for him to blow up at Lucifer and just unleash all his pent up anger and sadness at him. About how he just keeps ruining his life and how he thought he could finally be happy with Adam. (Just really getting into the nitty-gritty of it all) And after he’s done he just takes a deep breath, silently walks back to Adam, picks him up, and flies home. Leaving a completely silent Lucifer behind him.

Seriously, I loved Part. 1 so much! Even if it was short, I found it to be just enough for the overall theme of it!! Hope you have a great rest of your day <3<3

First: I'm glad you liked the first part despite it being short <3 Second: nah because that bothered me too, like why didn't Lute carry his ass back to heaven?? Excuse me? She took his halo, might as well lift this gigantic fuckhead up and fly him back to the pearly gates.

Part 1

You're dead to me, stop saying my name like beetlejuice

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, hurt/no comfort, major character death

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

You stared at Sera in disbelief, it couldn’t be true, she must be lying, there was simply no way for her words to be true. “No,” you mumbled to yourself as you turned your head to seek confirmation in the assumption that Sera was lying. But the white haired woman stared at the tiled floor in silence, she didn’t even dare to meet your eyes once. “You are joking,” this time you spoke up louder, clearer, stronger, convinced that the people in this room were all lying to you and that Adam would bust those office doors open any moment to greet you with the most horrible pick-up line heaven had ever heard. But the doors stayed closed and Sera lowered her head, “I’m afraid that is not the case.”

You fully turned towards Lute as your voice started to fill with the anger you were feeling, the hatred towards her and the other exorcists was audible, “So you just left him there?” Sera slowly walked up to you, her hand came down onto your shoulder in a sad attempt to try and calm you down, you tore your body away from her touch in an instant, taking one step closer towards Lute. The lieutenant remained silent though, not a single noise left her throat and you wondered if she was even breathing. She also continued to stare at the floor and for a moment you thought that something that came close to regret reflected in her eyes, but it was gone too quickly so you weren’t sure. “Answer me,” you growled as you towered over the exorcist. Sera had backed off, she had noticed that there was no use in trying to calm you down, that her attempts would only feed into your rage. “Yes, Sir,” her voice was quiet, submissive even. It was so unlike Lute to submit this easily, in all the years you’ve known her she had never done something similar, she had always had a cocky comment waiting on the tip of her tongue, just like Adam.

That was enough though, you turned around, your back was facing the lieutenant, and snapped your fingers to make one of the oh so familiar golden portals appear. They had always tasted bittersweet, even before the exterminations. Hell was no place for angels to visit, no matter the reason. Heaven was made for your kind, hell was to keep the sinners burning, why in God’s mighty name would an angel leave heaven on its free will to pay hell a visit? Well, in your case the answer was love. Sera watched as the portal opened, it revealed a view down onto Charlie’s infamous hotel. There was golden blood everywhere and in the distance you saw the golden wings of your lover. They had truly left him there, probably wounded and helpless, unable to make it back home on his own. “Y/N you should not-” you tuned Sera’s words out, nothing that she could say would stop you.

You spread your wings and flew through the portal, heading straight downwards to where you had seen Adam’s wings gleaming.

Lucifer’s eyes widened as yet another portal opened, would they send another army? Was the battle about to continue? But then his eyes landed on you and he knew that danger would not follow a creature as peaceful as you - you would not lead an army in Adam’s name. Though you didn’t believe in Charlie’s idea of rehabilitation, you also disliked the exterminations. Lucifer had always seen you as a neutral-good in-between. But why were you paying them a visit, you had ever set foot in hell before after all. “Dad?” Charlie asked as she came up next to him, her eyes just as focused on you as his were. And while his daughter’s eyes were filled with confusion, his own held love.

You were quick to land next to Adam’s body, he was not moving, didn’t even look up to see who was there, who was trying to save him. The ground felt hard underneath your knees as they hit it forcefully due to your legs giving out but you could not bring yourself to mind, not when Adam was not moving and not breathing either. His body was laying in a puddle of his own golden blood, your hands grabbed him firmly, pulling him close to you so that his head was resting in your lap as you gently pushed the sweaty hair out of his face. Your thumb wiped the blood from his cheek and despite your senses telling you that he was gone for good, you hoped he would open his beautiful golden eyes and look up at you, maybe make a cocky comment. But that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen immediately, it didn’t happen ten minutes later. You felt his body growing cold and wrapped your wings around the both of you in order to keep it warm - there was surely no point in doing so though. Adam was gone and he would not return. Tears fell from your eyes onto his soft skin, you no longer found yourself able to hold them back, not when the one you love was gone without any way for him to return.

“Y/N,” a familiar voice spoke from behind you and your body flinched at just the sound of it - Lucifer. Of course he would play a part in this, he always played some sort of part whenever you lost something. Out of reflex you pulled Adam’s corpse closer to your body, his face was now resting against your chest, the blood of his seeped into the fabric of your once pure robe, it stained the white feathers that covered your wings and it stuck to your skin, none of these things you cared about. His blood on you was the only thing you had left of him. “I’m sorry, I-” you interrupted the devil without bothering to look at him, he was not worthy of being the center of your attention, not after what he had done, what he had taken from you. “Leave,” you simply said, the pain was not hidden, it reflected in your voice, in your tears and in the way your body clung to Adam’s. But like always Lucifer didn’t listen, he stepped closer, you felt it in every inch of your bones. When he dared to rest his hand on your shoulder, you tore away from his grip just as you had from Sera’s touch earlier. “I said leave, don’t make things worse,” that earned you the attention of Charlie, Lucifer's little duckling, “What does he mean, dad?” You heard how the devil sighed deeply - so he had not told her about you, why should he, you two had just been a thing for only God knew how long before Lilith had been created. Nothing important, a nice experience, that’s what you were to Lucifer. To Adam on the other hand you had been everything and he had been everything to you as well.

A kiss was pressed to Adam’s forehead before you gently put his body back on the ground and got up to face the king of hell and the man involved in Adam’s death. “Oh has daddy never told you about his ex boyfriend?” your voice sounded sweet yet broken, you wanted Lucifer to go through the same kind of pain that you were going through. The pain he had once again caused. Charlie frowned at you, turned her head to look at Vaggie who had just joined the group. “Y/N?” she asked, sounding quite surprised. That surprise left her eyes when she spotted Adam’s blood on you though, her facial expression turned sour and she added, “He got what he deserves.” The short, blonde man seemed to disagree with the former exorcist, yet he did not voice his disagreement. Coward. Instead he once again tried to offer you comfort as he opened his arms, inviting you in for a hug. Looking the devil up and down you huffed angrily, how dare he?

“You have some nerves, Lucifer,” you started, hatred was dripping from your voice as you rounded the fallen angel, you kept one eye on Adam though, making sure that none of the filth down here dared to touch the first man. “First, you tore my heart apart, left me to bleed dry just to get it going with the woman that Father had made for Adam,” you pointed to the brunette in anger, that day Lucifer had not only hurt you, no even worse, he had also turned both of the women created for the first man against the one they had been made for. He had hurt Adam and in your book that was way worse than what he had done to you. “And now that I had everything I ever desired, a loving and caring partner that I was planning my future with, you had to show up and ruin my life once more,” despite his former rank, Lucifer was shorter than you and therefore allowed you to tower over him as the volume of your voice only rose, “Every time you show up you ruin something, you’re no good, a failure and you deserve to burn in hells everlasting fire, I hope the flames eat your heart just like they devoured mine.” You watched as the devil lowered his head, making himself appear even smaller than he already was. “You ruined everything good, you had done so ever since the start of creation, I hope Father punishes you for your behavior,” you raised your wings in order to make yourself appear taller as Vaggie and Charlie rushed to Lucifer’s side. You were done here, you had said everything you had wanted to say.

You walked back to where Adam’s corpse grew colder and colder, effortlessly lifted the first man up. Suspicion clouded your mind for a moment when you weren’t able to spot Adam’s fallen halo on the dirty ground, had Lute taken it? A question that you would ask her later. You firmly held the dead angel as you pushed yourself off the ground and headed back to the golden portal that was waiting for you to return home. But there was no home for you anymore, the person you had called home was dead in your arms, killed by the devil and his sinners. They had taken everything from you and you swore that you would return this favor one day.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #adam x male reader #male reader #adam x y/n #adam x reader #adam x you

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chiefdirector · 2 days

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I love you, it's ruining my life | Tim Bradford | The Rookie

I love you, it's ruining my life

The first day was the easiest of all. His world has come crashing down around him and yet he was still standing amongst the rubble. Tim didn't know what was true anymore, the love of his life has disappeared right before his eyes and he was helpless to change that.

He spent the entirety of the first day on the streets of Los Angeles, he rookie by his side, searching for his wife but it was fruitless. He returned home alone.

The second day was worse. Just as he returned home by himself, he woke to an empty bed, her pillows still indented from the last time she had slept there. He didn't make the bed, instead he shoved the sickening feeling that had begun to grow back down and left for work.

The second day of searching for his wife turned up the same results as the first. She was a detective of the LAPD, and yet not a single officer could offer a lead as to where she had gone. She had been taken away with the wind, never to be seen again.

He didn't want to admit it but as the days and weeks passed by, Tim oculd feel his hopelessness return. He was a police Sargent, he knew the statistics on missing persons cases. And it wasn't like she was without her enemies, there was a never-ending list of people who would want to harm her. It was a risk of the job, but yet he never thought it would effect them.

All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary

Despite only a year passing, there was more evidence leading to declare her to be dead rather than another name on the missing-persons list. Tim thought that her funeral would have been the hardest day; watching the empty coffin be lowered into the ground damn near killed him too, but his heart kept beating. It was agonising but he kept on living, he couldn't stop living.

The worst day came only a few weeks later. The memory of the day was fleeting; hazed by the rush of emotions and the actions taken. One moment he was in Sargent Grey's office, and seemingly in the next, he was running through the woods watching her run towards him also.

They crashed together, his arms wrapping around his body, bringing her warmth closer to him. Not matter how close she was, she needed to be closer to him; he didn't want to be apart again, his heart wouldn't be able to take it.

I love you, it's ruining my life

He never wanted to feel that pain again. To love someone as much as he loved her could only leave one of them suffering. He knew that he wouldn't survive loving her and losing her again. He needed to protect himself this time.

He knew that despite everything that happened she wouldn't step back from danger, instead she would come up with a million and one reasons why he was being unreasonable. He had only one option, to make her believe something untrue.

So the worst day came around the following morning, as he sat her down at the breakfast table they had once spent their days laughing over.

"I can't do this anymore," He said, hating himself as the words come out, "I can't live like this, waiting for the call to find out you've been hurt - or worse. I've lived through it and it nearly killed me. I can't do it again."

Panic crossed her face, as she tried to process his words, "Tim, what do you mean?"

"I can't keep waiting for the worst to happen. I love you, and it's ruining my life."

And for a fortnight there, we were forever

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Masterlist

Tags: @rookietrek @kmc1989 @fluentmoviequoter

Let me know if you want to be added to my Tim Bradford/Rookie tag list

#tim bradford x reader #the rookie #tim bradford #tim bradford imagine #the rookie imagine #the rookie x reader #chiefdirector #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #fornight #post malone #fortnight taylor swift #ts11 #Spotify #songfic

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cvntyworld · 2 days

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war of the worlds ( lucy maclean )

summary: in which a friendly yet naive to the wastelands vault dweller, offers some useful advice to a survivor that doesn't trust easy and thought vault dwellers were some myth that died out long ago. for once they decide to put their lack of trust on hold and give lucy maclean a single chance at accompanying them cross the wastelands, an offer of safe travel, because anyone who's anyone knows that vault dwellers don't survive for long up here and the small part of kindness left feels the need to help.

contains: usual fallout shenanigans, violence, character deaths, gore, cannibalism, reader kills a bird and eats it, slow burnish, strangers to friends to lovers, lucy has to stitch reader up with a metal bed spring, reader is beat up and lucy rescues them, kissing, mild language, dead dad mentions, also kinda long ngl, they also think that cooper howard is dead since he was an actor

With a mouthful of blood you grinned, teeth clenched in seething anger as you crawled towards the discarded yet worn down backpack a few feet away. The golden grains of sand turned red with each movement, wavering rains of hot red blood pouring out of your side as you reached out with trembling fingers, barely getting them to curl in on the backpack, a weak grip as you dragged it over and winced with pain, trying to breathe through it.

A harsh kick to the fleshy wound in your side caused an agonising cry to leave you, leaving you stunned against the sand, gasping out breaths as the golden grains had begun to stick to your sweating face that was pressing into the ground weakly. "Where did you think you were going?" The mocking tone pierced your ears and there wasn't even a raised voice, everything was heightened, everything hurt, but he didn't care, he would kill you or leave you bleeding out and be off with your stuff, you'd regretted taking this shortcut, the townsfolk warned of the stories of those that took the shortcut route, but in your mind it meant that there was rarely anyone here, a lone path, there would be trouble but nothing that you couldn't handle.

"You know, no matter how much those townsfolks cry and babble their stories about the shortcut to hell, the select few always think they'll have a chance." The man states, a scoff of a laugh leaving him as he turned you onto your side and pressed his solid boot down with a look of boredom when you glared up at him. "There is always someone as stupid as you that passes through and thinks they'll be just fine." Your hands reached up, nails digging into his filthy hands that blocked the air from your lungs, "It's a shame you didn't stand down, fiends would've paid good money, maybe I'll just keep you for myself, I haven't eaten in days, always thought human meat was better than an animals."

This was it, one stupid mistake and you were going to end up murdered and turned into food, as if you were nothing at all. You're whole life ending because there'd been a part of you longing for rest, a simple shortcut, townsfolks warnings ignored, you would die and not a soul would know, there was nobody to know. You stop, giving in and closing your tired eyes, this was it, you're going to die here.

"Leave them alone!"

Your eyes opened warily, head tilting to the side to see a wave of blue blur your vision. A woman stood, a strange gun trained on your attacker who turned his attention to her and laughed wheezily, an unhinged look of humour within his features. "No fucking way! A vault dweller, we haven't had one of you pass through here in a while!" A rattle of a cough sounded from him, his attention being focused on the woman dressed in blue. The grip he had on your ratty coat was dropped and your head fell back into the sands causing a winded cough to leave you, an instead hand pressing into your side as you attempt to keep pressure on the already terrible wound.

"I'll bet you've got nice skin." The man guessed and his words made your own skin crawl as he took slow steps towards the vaultie who didn't stand down, keeping an easy hand on the trigger. "I'll eat like a king tonight, you vault dwellers are always easier to skin, I promise to kill you first, last time it wasn't the easiest job skinning a gal that's still alive." His knife drew and just as he lunged at the vault dweller, she pulled the trigger, and a needle is planted right in his chest and leaves him stumbling for the few seconds he had and then he was collapsing to the sand beside you, eyes shut and unmoving. You grit your teeth together, forcing back the pain as the vault dweller approaches you cautiously. "Are you alright?" Vaultie asks with concern and a breathy laugh passes through you at the question. "Now that is a question I think you already know the answer to, Vaultie."

The vault dweller immediately shakes her head at this, as if realising her question to be a stupid one, "Sorry, here, I have a stim pack, I can help you." The woman was quick, shrugging her pack off and rummaging through it with a nervous laugh, "I'm Lucy, by the way, nice to meet you!" She greeted cheerfully and you stared at her, your brow drawing together dumbfounded at someone who kept a smile on her face despite the circumstances. The sharp needle was a familiar sight, you were used to seeing the injury pauser around but it didn't hurt any lesson when a wave of discomfort washed over you when Lucy pierced the needle into your wounded side. "You should start to feel a little better, I would offer to stitch you up but I was in a bit of a rush when I left home." You made a noise of acknowledgement, "First time on the surface, huh?" The vault dweller nodded at this, almost proud.

"I got something in my bag that'll take care of this." You stated, gesturing to the backpack nearby and Lucy has quickly grabbed it, glancing from you to the bag, "Is it a needle and thread?" She asks and you shake your head, "Not exactly, give it here." She hands you the bag with a gentle hand, helping you sit up and smiles at you when you give her a nod as thanks. Turning the backpack up, you let your contents stumble out into the sand, Lucy's smile fading in confusion as you pick apart the items, a lot of it looked to be junk, old scraps, gun parts, a box of empty bullets, a faded photograph, a canister that she'd assumed held water. A twirled piece of metal is held up, gripped in your hand, it looked clean, the cleanest thing amongst your odd supplies. Pouring some contents out of the canister, you turn to the vault dweller and hold it out to her, and that's when she finally sees what it is, an old spring, something that didn't have much use in her home, usually found in beds or furniture, this looked to be similar to the ones she would see on the trampolines when attending her gymnastics club.

She had a feeling of what you were going to ask when it was being held out for her to take, "Is this safe, I mean, I did take some time to brush up on health and safety for my journey but I don't even know if this can be used for stitching up something like that." You blankly stare, and force it into her hand harshly, "Look it's a spring, I got it for five caps, all you have to do is twist it around until it closes my skin up, simple as that." Lucy looks unsure at your words so you sigh at her, "If you don't do this, I'm gonna die out here."

As if giving in to your words, Lucy sighs, glancing from the wound on your side to the spring in her hand, a nod of assurance to herself. "Okey Dokey."

You screamed until the pain made you pass out.

You awoke to a crackling fire and a dull ache in your side. Eyes blinking away sleep as you sat up cautiously, tired eyes instantly flickered to the vault dweller, Lucy, holding her hands towards the flame to claim some warmth. The fiend was lying still, you assumed he was dead but it was obvious he wasn't considering he was tied to a rusted car nearby, twitching in his slumber. You would deal with him soon, your attention focusing back to Lucy who noticed you had finally awoken again. "How are you feeling? I was starting to get a little worried, thought you'd never wake up if I'm being honest..." She trailed off, watching as you'd lifted your soaked shirt, the white fabric stained red, you hummed at the sight of the spring, curled around tightly and keeping your flesh closed over for now. "Surprised, I was able to go through with that, I've never actually had to stitch anyone else up before other than myself, ruined a perfectly good wedding dress." She laughed quietly to herself and you tilted your head curiously, "Never would have thought I'd meet a Bridezilla, folks up here haven't given two shits about marriage, not for a long time." The vaultie looked confused, "Bridezilla?" You dismissed her when you realised she hadn't gotten the reference, "It's nothing, forget about it."

Pushing the fabric back down, you turned back to Lucy with an unsure stare, her kindness unsettled you a little, but you could tell it was genuine. "You shouldn't light a fire after dark, specially round these parts." You tell her, and she meets your gaze curiously, "Why, what's wrong with lighting a fire? We need some sort of light source." You stood up shakily, wincing at the pain in your side as you began picking at the guns from earlier, screwing on an unusual tool Lucy hadn't seen before, to you it was a silencer and you aimed it just behind her and fired, the sound of squelching flesh and a high shriek made Lucy flinch and turn, watching as you walked past her, your face curled when the slimey creature twitched beneath your hands, it's hard shell shattered as you carried it to the fire and dropped it in the flames, it's shrieks dying to a stop as Lucy stood up and took a step back. "What is that?" She questioned with a look of horror and you are quick to place your gun inside your inner coat pocket, a simple shrug as you gestured to it, "That's one of many things attracted to a fire at night, we're lucky that this is all that seems to be out here so far." Lucy adjusted her bag on her shoulders, "You mean more of those grossly large roaches could sneak up on us?" You shook your head, "There's far worse things than roaches out here." You told her and her gaze lowered to the fire as if she'd understood what you meant.

Soon after the crackling flames were stomped out.

You had wanted to part ways with the vault dweller but it wasn't as easy as you thought it would be. Even after you shot the man dead who had injured you, she stayed, even when you threatened her with death, she followed, you'd never actually kill her, she saved you after all. You hated it when you packed your bag in the morning and realised it, she thought that stitching you up gave her a travel buddy in the wastelands, someone who knew what to do when she didn't, someone to learn from.

And despite it all, you just couldn't say no, you'd rejected people for less, you didn't have travel companions, you'd never stayed in a place long enough to call it home or be considered anyone's friend. Lucy MacLean was different, in a way, you felt a sense of trust, not fully but enough to let her linger, just for a little while.

She was kind, a good soul, she looked like something out of the movies, the pretty smile, the doe eyes, clean hair, a wave of confidence. She wouldn't last out here alone and the part of you with a conscience would have felt bad so you let her travel with you, the deal being you'd part ways when you reached the next available town where you had not stolen from someone or conned another, anything to get by, you're surprised at your restraint in not just being an asshole and shooting the girl and stealing her shit, it's something you'd done in the past when desperate but a part of you didn't let you. She had saved you and that is what repeated each time a selfish thought occurred, she could have left you to rot but she didn't.

While the company was strange, you were aware of it an awful lot, Lucy had a lot of questions about the world, an awful lot of questions indeed. She asked about why you'd rather be alone than have company, she asked for a name and you gave it to her, she asked about the bombs, she'd asked about things as random as what your levels were when it came to radiation, asked why you had all of the junk you did in your bag, why you preferred travelling at night. She seemed to be quite the chatterbox and though you often preferred the silence, you answered her as best as you could, but you didn't have all the answers that she desired, especially the one that she wished you did.

She was looking for her father, you told her she was lucky that she still had one, she apologised for your loss, you'd dismissed it, your dad died a long time ago and you tried to avoid that topic, of course someone like Lucy opened up a part of you to vulnerability and you had let her, you were letting your guard down when you needed it to be held up high and safe.

There was something so safe about her and you didn't like it, maybe because safety was never something you'd ever thought of on your travels. Safe was new, safe was scary and you wanted to scrub it away, that feeling she gave you, but you couldn't do that if she's still here, you would part ways and it would leave you, you only hoped parting ways and leaving her alone wouldn't kill her, you knew vault dwellers didn't last. Good people always died in a world like this, you knew that better than anyone, if your father was alive he would be ashamed of the things you've done, who you've become. He died screaming at you to run, his bottles of liquid gold ran dry and you had blown his brains out while he cowered in a corner, trying to stay himself, muttering his name over and over until a bullet pierced his brain and mercy ended his life.

Safe got people killed, your dad felt safe when he had his medicine on hand, it stopped him losing himself until he eventually did. You saw it happen, the resistance to it, as guttural cries and growls mushed together, it scared you, it strengthened you, it hurt you, but it also made you the person you are now, alone and forgotten.

Lucy was talking to a bird, its wing bent oddly, she had a look in her eyes that she wanted to help it, she ran a hand down the dark feathers and this was your chance to push her further away, make her despise you, make her know a good person wasn't hiding within you. You stuck a sharp blade through its head, ending its life in front of her, she'd stared at you in horror with those big wide eyes and you merely looked away coldly, stripping away at its feathers and cutting it open with little care, you could see that she was upset, angry at you, she wanted to save the bird and you had ended it's life instead, turning it into food, she'd sat away from you when you lit a fire, twirling the carcass above the flame and letting it singe so you knew that not a part of it was raw.

Lucy didn't eat that night, choosing to go to bed hungry rather than have a scrap of what you had eaten, she was starting to understand it, you weren't a kind sole, you're just as bad, you hoped that was what she was thinking, hoped that when you drifted off that she'd leave, realise who she's travelling with isn't good, isn't safe, you hope that she leaves and lets you wake up alone.

When you awoke, she was still there. She was sat staring at her surroundings and had greeted you with the words of good morning and then smiled, offering you a drink of her water, claiming you had to stay hydrated if you want your wound to heal nicely. You felt like asking why she'd stayed, but you didn't, you remained quiet and gulped a gallon of water down your throat and started your walk for the day and she followed you.

That was five days ago and still she stayed with you no matter what you did to try and get rid of her.

By now, you had made it to a town and shoved a few of your caps to some old man renting rooms, Lucy decided a room shared would be fewer caps and you agreed with that, she also insisted it would be safer if you shared and you agreed to that also, which resulted in you lying on an old, worn down bed, Lucy lying on the one next to yours, and for once she was quiet. You wanted to ask her if she was alright, reach out to her, but you didn't want Lucy to think you cared, so you stayed quiet too, at some point, you knew she'd open up anyway, she had basically told a whole life's story to you over the week, varying from her wedding day ending in disaster because she was almost murdered by her new husband to her dad being taken to this, maybe she told you because you listened and didn't offer any comfort or apologies, or maybe she wanted to gain a friend out of you.

"I don't think I'll find my dad." She muttered out quietly, a strain in her voice as if she was holding back tears, "I feel like the people that took him probably killed him." When a sniffle could be heard from her side of the room, you sat up carefully and parted your lips to speak, unsure of how to handle her delicate feelings. You thought back to your own father, how it felt when he had died, how you felt, it left this wave of emptiness in you, like a part of you was ripped away from you. You wondered if that's what she'd been feeling since he was stolen from her.

You began by clearing your throat, "If they wanted to kill your dad, surely they would've killed him when they were attacking your home." You suggested and Lucy blinked at this, her eyes looked tired for the first time you'd seen her and it made you feel disheartened. "I'm sorry, Lucy." That made her turn to face you, smiling slightly but it wasn't a smile you were used to, it was a sad one. "No, you aren't." She replied before turning over, her back facing you and you frowned, you had expected her to say something like it's not your fault or there's nothing to be sorry for and in that moment you knew Lucy MacLean could read you as if you were an open book, she knew that you only said it to make her feel better, to try and get her to snap out her saddened feelings and change the subject, to ask some stupid questions like she usually does or to count out the rations she had left. She was challenging you, she knew you had something else you wanted to say, something she needed to hear but knew you would never discuss, a frown crossed your brow and you swallowed down your own overwhelming feeling of tears and took a breath, an unsure gaze fixated on Lucy before you spoke up with a tremble in your voice.

"Your dad isn't dead, Lucy." You began, "If he was dead, I don't think you'd still be out here, you'd be back home in your vault grieving." Lucy turned to face you once more, interested in what you had to say, "If he was dead then I think you'd know it, that part of you would feel lost, like someone ripped a part of your soul out." The MacLean is slow to sit up, "How would you know what that felt like?" She asks softly and you could see she'd already guessed, she was just waiting for you to open up for once instead of her. "It happened to me, two years after I was born, my old man got stuck for three days in a bad radiation zone, by the time I turned six his nose had disinterested and his skin looked like it was falling off." Lucy frowned at this yet stayed quiet, letting you continue, "When I was eleven he ran out of meds, we lived in the middle of nowhere so we would never get him that shit in time and I think he knew that it was time for him to go, he couldn't afford it and he gave up, told me to blow his brains out if he went crazy." You stopped and Lucy sat forward slightly, "I shot him in the face." You met her gaze, "The sickest thing about it is the next day, Davey, the guy who was dealing his meds, he showed up with a full box and I took it off him cause he said it was on the house." You laughed at this, it was a cruel thing that occurred but it made you laugh bitterly, "I took meds that stopped ghouls going feral and shoved it down my dead daddy's throat as if that would do shit. All those little vials could've gone to the ones who needed it and I kept them for him because I thought they'd end up bringing his ass back from the dead."

Slowing your rattly laugh, you lock eyes with Lucy, "While ghouls may be able to survive a lot of shit, getting blasted in the face isn't exactly on that list, I learned that the hard way." Lucy frowned at your words and made her way over to you, her arms reached out, embracing you and you fell still, realising that what you were being given was a hug, a thing you hadn't received in a long time. At first, you kept still, arms hanging as she hugged you and then slowly, an arm raised and wrapped around her then your other arm, you didn't even notice you'd closed your eyes, finding an instant comfort within Lucy Maclean, safety.

It made you wonder if this is what having a friend felt like.

You lasted in that rented room another week before caps ran low and you decided to leave, Lucy following after of course, she had acclaimed a drawn map from some lady on a stall, telling her of some places she might find Hank Maclean, her father. Not trusting someone with a rotten grin, you had taken the map from Lucy and scored out a few of the destinations, cannibals, raiders, thieves, all of the places were bad, you had stumbled across a few on your journey to nowhere.

Luckily, spending a week in that room gave you time to check over your wound, unscrewing the spring so that a proper sewing up could be done since Lucy had tracked down a needle and thread. She had told you of how she had been stabbed on her wedding day, her husband was a raider disguised as another vaultie and she'd ended up stapling her wound shut, something you felt squeamish at the thought of. Another thing that surprised you was how neatly she'd sewn you up, a perfect stitch and not a sign of infection. She was way smarter than what you'd first thought of her, you thought her to be naive but she could handle herself just fine, she could throw a punch if she had to, she knew how to use that gun of hers despite claiming she wasn't very good. It made you want Lucy to stick around a little longer but you knew as soon as she'd found her dad, she would be back in that vault and you'd be alone again, left to wander the lonely world.

You didn't know Lucy had other ideas, the way she spoke about her home, the way her eyes lit up talking about her family, her life, but you could see she craved adventure in it which is perhaps why she was so eager to follow you to whatever destination was next.

You didn't have a set destination, just away, forward, an old bed and shitty food, somewhere to sleep, that is the only thing you wanted, always looking for the next place, you didn't get attached much to those types of things, it was all the same everywhere. Lucy, on the other hand, is convinced that it's all great, a little scary but great, she'd had a look of curiosity whenever you landed some place new or had some story to tell, she always listened with a look of interest, eager to know everything that she sadly missed in the world. She asked so many questions and a part of you had grown fond of her daily dialogues, it was growing into a sort of routine.

"We're friends, right?" She asked, her gaze travelling over to where you walked beside her, you turn to her with this unsure look for a moment and then nod, "I guess..." Is the first thing you utter out, "Why do you ask?" Lucy smiled at the confirmation and kept her eyes on you, "After I've found my dad, would you wanna live with me?" You halt, stopping in your tracks, "You mean in your vault?" Lucy's quick to nod and you scoff out a laugh and begin to walk again, "No." She frowns and hurries after you, "Why? It's not like you've got places to be." You pull a face and stare ahead of you, "Oh, I've got places to be, just not in some underground cage." Lucy scoffs at this, "It isn't a cage, it's my home, would you at least consider it?" You shake your head again and walk faster trying to end the discussion at last, "No, now stop asking." Lucy pouts at your tone, then immediately follows up on your refusal, "Why not? Could you at least give me a real explanation as to why?" You'd stopped walking once more, turning to face her with this wary look in your eyes, "I've heard the stories about what went down in those vaults, there's a reason that a bunch of them are now empty." You begin to walk again, but her hand grasps your arm gently and you can see the look of confusion on her face, "What do you mean empty?"

You sigh at her question but her clueless expression had you answering her anyway, "A lot of those vaults were all only made as some fucked up experiment, I had a really old ancestor or whatever it's called, they were living in a vault and when shit went bad down there it went bad, it isn't you're fault, but from the stories I've heard I'd rather take my chances up here on the surface." You explain to her, glancing at the map when you saw her frown deepen at your explanation, "At least up here you got plenty of places you can run and hide, down in a vault, well... you wouldn't stand a chance."

Lucy frowned when you decided to keep walking, instant thoughts swimming in her head at your words, vault 33 is safe, isn't it?

After three weeks, you had given up hope that Lucy was ever going to find her dad. The only information that she had found was that the woman who took him was called Moldaver and everyone knew who she was but nobody actually knew where she was. It was an irritating thing, a majority of the puzzle solved but the single piece to add to it was missing and you and Lucy were growing tired of the dead ends and false leads.

You were in some shed for the night, a small lantern was being used as light, usually as soon as nightfall hit both of you, Lucy would sleep soundly but not tonight, she had a troubled expression and stayed awake with you, looking through an old box from the before when she gasped at something she'd found, "Oh, my Gosh!" She exclaimed in excitement and you turned to her with curiosity, "What's that?" You asked and she turned it to you with a grin, "I can't believe this survived after all these years!" She was quick to shuffle closer to you, handing you a worn down holotape, "Do you know who this is?" She asks and you peer at the cover under the light before nodding, "Yeah, he's some old actor from before, used to be known for those cowboy movies, my dad loved the movie with the dog." You admitted and Lucy grinned at this, "My dad is this guy's biggest fan, he has almost all the movies, we usually watch one of these during movie nights." With a hum of acknowledgement you glance back at the box in front of you, "What's his name again?" Lucy thinks about it for a moment before answering, "Cooper Howard." At the mention of his name, you raise your canister, "Well, I am about 200 years too late but rest in peace, Coop." A humoured laugh left Lucy as she raised her own bottle of water, clinking it against your own, "Rest in peace, wish my dad could've met you, he's a huge fan of your movies, even the cheesy ones." You scoff out a laugh, your nose is quick to burn when the water travels down your throat at a faster pace.

Lucy pretty laugh made you glance at her with a look of softness about you, the way her eyes crinkled when she's smiling, how her whole body moved when she laughed, it made you smile at her for the first time and when she had finally calmed her laughter down she turned to face you, a smile of her own when she realised you were looking at her without a facade. "You're pretty when you smile," She admits quietly and when your smile parts, she thinks she may have offended you and immediately backtracks, "I'm not saying you're only pretty when you smile, you're not, you're pretty all the time actually -"

Her ramblings are cut off when your lips press against her own, at first she froze at your move and then you felt her smile against you, bringing her hand up to your face with such softness that you almost didn't realise it was there, a part of you wanted more but another part needed to stop and make sure she wanted you in the same way you want her and so you broke your lips apart from hers and met a flushed face in front of you. "Is that offer still open?" Was your first question, "To come live with you in your vault?" Lucy immediately grinned and kissed you strongly before breaking apart, "Yes, of course it is!" She laughed out and you smiled back at her softly. "Well I'm thinking that we'd better be on our way to the next town, don't wanna move in without your dad's approval, right?"

Lucy stood up, a smile crossing her features at your tone, the hint of playfulness making her grab your hand tightly and open the door to outside.

"Let's go rescue your dad, Vaultie."

#fallout tv series #fallout tv show #fallout #lucy maclean #lucy maclean x reader #lucy maclean x you #lucy maclean x y/n #first time writing for her so bare with me #lucy maclean fanfic

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entitled-fangirl · 1 day

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A predicament.

Will Graham x reader x Hannibal Lecter

Summary: Will is behind bars and pleads for the reader to not get involved. She never listens.

Warnings: literally Hannibal being Hannibal.

Masterlist

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Will gripped the bars in an iron fist.

"Y/N, listen to me. I didn't do this. You know me. You know I didn't do this."

She nods in thought, but her eyes show no emotion.

He tilts his head, "I promise you. Please."

She looks up and gives him a definite nod now. "I do believe you, Will. I just don't know what to do."

Jack Crawford poked his head around the corner, "Thirty seconds, Grahams."

Y/N turned and nodded at him, "Yes, sir."

Will pushed himself against the bars and his voice dropped to a low register. Though his voice was low, it came out rushed, "It was Hannibal."

Y/N furrowed her eyebrows, "W…What?"

"Hannibal. He framed me for everything he has done. I have the evidence. I know it's him."

She studies his face for a few moments to really see if he was telling the truth. "Oh my god. It is Hannibal."

Will leaned back a bit as if he was debating whether to say something or not. He decided to. "Hannibal is in love with you. With us. He is in love with us."

The woman tilts her head, "I don't understand. Why would he frame you if he's in l-"

"-I don't know that much yet." He explains through slightly gritted teeth. "I'm sure he finds pleasure in it. Knowing he's my only hope to get free. And he knows I wouldn't let him fucking touch you if I was out of here." He takes a breath to calm himself down. He reaches out of his holding cell to grip her hand, "I need you to promise me something."

She nods, "Anything, Will."

"Promise me if this gets too dangerous, you'll abandon me."

"What? No, Will. I'm not-"

"Promise me you'll leave everything if your life is in imminent danger. I'll find you, I promise."

She shakes her head quickly, "I-"

He cups her cheeks, "Baby, I need to hear you say it. I have to hear it come out of your mouth, please."

"Time's up, Grahams."

Y/N turned quickly to Jack, then back to Will with a debating expression.

Will notices the look and his eyes widen in panic, "Please, baby. Please!"

She steps out of his reach with a guilty expression, "I'll always choose you first, Will. You know that."

She walks out of the room with Jack following behind. It hurt her to not look back at him even as she left, but she knew she would break down if she did.

"Y/N? Y/N! Baby, Please!" Will called out as she left. She could hear his pleading of her name as she walked down the hall in shame.

…

"Y/N. I wasn't expecting you." Hannibal said as he opened his front door.

She looked up at him, masking every thought she was having at the moment. "I know. I just… needed someone to talk to, I suppose. I can come back if it's not a good ti-"

"-It's a great time." Hannibal quickly interrupted in poorly hidden excitement.

He was slipping up, and she was quick to notice.

She smiled and walked in, shrugging off her coat.

"I was going to make dinner soon, if you're interested in staying," he explained.

"Oh, no. This won't take long." She stated.

He gave a brief nod and led her to the sofa in his living room. "Is this about Will?" He asked as his therapist mask came on.

Her face hardened, "I know you framed him."

Hannibal's lips parted and his tongue darted out to wet them. He tilted his head and let out a sigh, "That's why you're here." It wasn't a question or observation. It was a direct statement.

She nodded. She tried to sound confident, but she just couldn't. "You manipulated him to take the hit for everything you've done. You're the Chesapeake Ripper! You were no friend to us!" She gave a fake sniffle as if she would cry, "I thought you loved us-"

He sat forward, "I do!" He quickly made himself relax when he realized his outburst. "I do. I care for you and your fiance greatly." His gaze was almost pleading, "You must know that."

"Then why do this to us?"

Hannibal looked away in thought of how to explain his process. "Some things are too good for us mortals."

She took a moment to study his expression. He was so hard to understand. "What do you mean?"

He let out a small breath, "You and Will are too beautiful for the others to enjoy."

She felt a small shiver go down her spine.

Maybe she really should have made that promise to Will.

"Hannibal?"

He turned to her with a new expression.

Desire? Lust? Admiration?

The look an avid art museum goer looks at their favorite piece of art.

With most, that look would bring a blush to the viewed person's cheeks.

But when Hannibal gave that look, it meant anything but safety.

He cares for art so much, that he breaks every canvas he loves to keep others from enjoying its beauty.

As if it's for his eyes only.

Y/N stood up cautiously, as if she could set him off with the slightest move.

He quickly stood too.

She made a split-second decision and ran for the door.

It was the wrong decision.

Her hand grasped the handle as his arms wrapped around her waist and he pulled her away.

She let out a scream and kicked at him in a panic.

His voice was soft and calm as if he wasn't keeping her against her will. "Darling, you must calm yourself."

She knew if she didn't get away now, she may as well consider herself dead.

"Hannibal, please! Let me go! I didn't… I didn't do anything! PLEASE!" She begged out at him as she pried at his gentle but firm grip around her waist.

He pushed his head against hers so his lips were next to her ear. "You must relax."

Relax. She made herself do so to gain traction.

"Good." He praised. He dragged her stiff body a little further into the house. "Come on, now."

"Wh…where are… what"

"Shhh," he cooed. "I don't like that you meddled with the plan I had. And while I was going to compliment you on your efforts…" he sighed. "…you were quite foolish to come see me alone. Did you not think I could overpower you so easily? Silly girl."

Y/N studied her environment quickly then pushed off of him and made another run for it.

She never stood a chance, and she cursed him for his tall frame and quick reflexes.

She ended up cornered in the kitchen, quite literally.

Her back was pushed to a corner of the room, and Hannibal stood in front of her mockingly.

His grin returned to him face, "You know, I like seeing fear. It reminds us that we're alive. However, I don't believe I like it on you, my dear."

Y/N pushed herself further against the wall as if she was trying to blend in with it.

Hannibal took calculated steps towards her, cherishing this moment of power he had over her.

Her eyes wandered down to his hand, and finally saw the small knife that was firm in his grip. "H… Hannibal…"

"It'll be over soon. Maybe Will will take this as a lesson not to disobey me. So sad, too" He said as he cocked his head in amusement, "You were a pretty bird."

His next two steps were quick and swift, and it sent her into survival mode.

"H…Hannibal.. you can't… you CAN'T I'M PREGNANT!" She screamed as her eyes closed.

Hannibal's hand froze with the knife in the air. The man who knew no surprises found himself shocked. "What?"

She opened her eyes, revealing them wide as saucers. "I… I'm pregnant. With Will's baby. Please." Her voice dropped, "Please, Hannibal."

He took a step back and lowered the knife, "And Will doesn't know."

She wasn't sure if it was a question or not. And she wasn't sure what answer would save her from the killer's wrath.

"W…Will knows.." She went out on a limb and lied.

Hannibal considers her words and reaches up, gripping the back of her neck firmly to pull her to him, "We find ourselves in a predicament indeed."

Will was going to be furious.

................................................................

#fanfiction #will graham imagines #will graham x reader #will graham fanfiction #will graham imagine #will graham #nbc hannibal #hannibal fanfiction #hannibal fandom #hannibal lecter #hannibal #hugh dancy x reader #hugh dancy #mads mikkelsen

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skbeaumont · 3 days

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"I Remember Everything" | Joel x Reader

Part 2 of Play it Again, a new series where each story is a oneshot, but all are shaped around country songs.

Song: I Remember Everything, Zach Bryan ft. Kacey Musgraves Summary: Ten years after outbreak day, you and Joel try to find a way to forget. In the process he finds things to remember, too Tags/Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, fluff if you squint, references to sex, alcohol and drugs, sex but not explicit, trauma, grief, just expect emotional damage basically Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: This ended up being both very angsty and quite sweet. Once again it was written with lyrics from the song pulled into the prose, so do listen as you read. If you've got any song recommendations for this series, let me know!

You were begging me to stay 'til the sun rose Strange words come on out Of a grown man's mouth when his mind's broke Pictures and passin' time You only smile like that when you're drinking I wish I didn't, but I do Remember every moment on the nights with you You're drinkin' everything to ease your mind But when the hell are you gonna ease mine?

The bar is crowded when you enter. Heaving with writhing bodies, hot in a way that has your shirt sticking to your back within moments of entering, a hazy, sharp tang in the back of your nose, a mix of moonshine and sweat.

Ten years today since outbreak day, and it seems everyone in the QZ is in here to forget.

Technically, there aren’t supposed to be any bars in the QZ, but as you squeeze between the crowds you spot two women you know to be FEDRA officers. It’s amazing what they’ll turn a blind eye to when it benefits them. One of the women looks pretty far gone already, leaning against the other with a placid, washed out grin on her face. The moonshine here is cheap, strong, and a poor imitation of anything that would have been served in a bar ten years ago.

You order two double whiskeys, watch the skinny youth behind the bar pour it out into a chipped mug, take it from him and hand over a creased, dog-eared ration card. A small price to pay for an evening of forgetting. You down the first double at the bar, then turn and push yourself on tiptoes to find an empty table, or a quiet corner to hole up in where you won’t be disturbed.

Instead, you find your gaze passing over a familiar figure at the back of the room. Joel’s recognisable even from behind – broader than anyone else in the room, the sloping lines of his shoulders pressing against the frayed seams of the denim shirt he’s wearing. It’s been a few months since you last saw him. You’re not sure where he’s been, maybe off on his smuggling runs; the two of you have never really kept a consistent line of conversation, your meetings generally consisting of a quick catch up and then a long, slow evening using each other to try to forget the hell of life in the QZ and your respective pasts. Unhealthy, probably, but it works for a few hours.

Joel turns where he’s stood and the dim lights in the bar illuminate the side of his face, the strong line of his jaw. He’s wearing a lopsided half-smile, leaning against a shelving unit filled with bottles, talking to a woman with dark hair. He’s clearly drunk: he only smiles like that when he’s drunk. It’s an impressive feat, considering how much you know he drinks on any normal day.

You’re still watching him, sipping your own drink, when he turns his head, eyes locking with yours. You don’t look away. The buzz of the whiskey is starting to sink through you, warm and familiar, and Joel’s eyes are just as intoxicating.

It’s always the same. There’s something about him that has you gravitating to him. It’s attraction, certainly, but it’s deeper than that. There’s so much about Joel you don’t know, so many unanswered questions and unexplained mysteries. But you know he’s like you. You know he’s lost people. You know he’s broken, and lonely, and so fucking angry that it scares him sometimes.

Joel watches you down the rest of your whiskey, eyes flicking to your lips as you lick a stray drop. He’s drunk, far drunker than he should be considering he has to be up at the crack of dawn in the morning for sewer duty.

He only got back into the QZ early this morning, spent rest of the day trying as best he could to get some sleep without resorting to rotgut whiskey to ease his mind. A lost cause, of course. He hasn’t slept without some kind of pill or booze in ten years. Eight hours in and he’d given it up as a bad job, downed a few bottles of home-brewed cider and headed to this hot, loud bar, hoping to distract himself from the date and all that its memory brings.

He hadn’t expected you to be here, and something uncomfortably like gladness settles in his chest as he watches you make your way towards him. All day he’s been on edge, wound up so tight he’s felt like something in him is going to snap, but the sight of you has it retreating, loosening his shoulders more than the piss-poor whiskey has.

He wonders for a moment what this thing you have – this relationship that isn’t a relationship, this love story that definitely isn’t a love story, just a way to forget for a while – would be like if the outbreak hadn’t happened. Would he sing you love songs, buy you flowers, take you to the beach and let your sand-covered hair blow into his face on the drive home?

Ten years since outbreak day, and he’s mostly wondering if you’ll help him forget in a way that the booze and pills he’s been knocking back since this afternoon haven’t managed to yet. Two whiskeys in, and you’re wondering if he’ll ease your mind like the liquor’s eased your tight muscles.

It’s this that carries you both out into the alley behind the bar, has him pressing you into the rough brick wall, hands roaming your body like you’re a route he’s trying to memorise so he can sneak back when the curfew falls. His mouth is hot on yours, his breath tinged with booze and counterfeit cigarettes.

It’s easy where it shouldn’t be; easy to let him lead you through the back streets to his apartment, easy to let yourself fall inside, easy to ignore the empty cider bottles that litter the apartment, the pill bags and loose cigarettes.

The sex is unrushed – it could be called romantic, if you were both other people, if it you weren’t both doing it to forget. The memories of ten years ago retreat for a while as he undresses you; the pain eases as he lays you back, slots himself between your legs and presses himself into you.

The movement of it is calming, familiar. Joel’s strong back under your hands, his muscles shifting and tensing as he thrusts into you, the harshness of his breath at your ear. He’s quiet, usually, hardly lets himself make a sound when he’s inside you, and then leaves before you’ve had chance say goodbye. Tonight, though, he doesn’t. When you’ve finished he rolls himself off of you and pulls you to his chest, wraps a strong arm around your waist and lets you rest your head on his shoulder.

“I missed you,” he whispers into your hair, and the words are so strange that you freeze beneath him, twist back so that you can look at him, see the truth of it on his face.

His eyes are dark in the half-light of the apartment, hazy with alcohol and something else, but they’re serious, his eyebrows furrowed, the creases that have started to deepen over the time you’ve known him lining his forehead.

Because the thing is, you make him forget. But when he’s with you he remembers, too. He remembers what happiness can feel like, the way that joy can take root in your chest and spread into something ethereal, something that Joel Miller doesn’t deserve to feel, hasn’t felt since the world ended ten years ago. He remembers every moment on the nights with you.

He wishes he didn't, but he does.

#joel miller #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfic #the last of us fic #joel x you #joel x reader #angst #hurt/comfort

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spacehero-23 · 3 days

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TSC as The Tortured Poets Departament 🪶📜🤍

Ngl, some of them were really hard and some clicked right away. But i’m pretty proud of it. Let me know what you think!

Fortnite - Matthew Fairchild - I love you, it’s ruining my life

The Tortured Poets Departament - James and Cordelia

My boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - Charles and Alastair

Down Bad - Kit and Ty

So Long, London - Robert and Maryse

But Daddy I Love Him - Annabel - "Stay away from her" The saboteurs protested too much

Fresh Out the Slammer - James Herondale - Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to

Florida!!! - Matthew Fairchild - Love left me like this and I don't want to exist. So take me to Florida

Guilty as Sin? - Julian and Emma - What if he's written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me? - Annabel Blackthorn - Then say they didn't do it to hurt me. But what if they did?

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - Valentine and Jocelyn

loml - Amatis Greymark

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - Izzy Lightwood - The lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night" I can show you

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - James Herondale - And I don't even want you back, I just want to know If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal

The Alchemy - Thomas and Alastair - 'Cause the sign on your heart Said it's still reserved for me. Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

Clara Bow - Kit Herondale - “What kind of Herondale will you be? William or Tobias? Stephen or Jace? Beautiful, bitter, or both?”

The burden of being a Herondale. All those names you have to live up to. Live up to the legend of Jace Herondale, the boy with the angel blood. Live up to James Herondale, the son your mother lost. See all the ways you’re similar, and all the ways you're not. Live up to the expectation of being the Lost Heir and live the burden that comes with that. And remember that one day another Herondale will come and they might feel the same way about you.

This was really fun! And i am planning on making part with The Anthology 🤍

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karenandhenwillson · 3 hours

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I've seen so much discourse about Bucktommy and especially Tommy and it is so wild. I just want to write down some of my thoughts over all of it because that tends to help me to stop thinking about it.

"Oh, how can anyone just abandon Buddie for Bucktommy?"

Has anyone really abandoned Buddie, though? Or are they just for the moment very excited about a new and so very carefully portrait queer story line? Just because some people talk more (or for the moment only) about Bucktommy, doesn't mean they don't like Buddie anymore. They just have something shiny and most importantly canon to fawn over for the moment.

Also, I'd like to give that question back: Why aren't you all excited for a carefully and softly portrait new queer storyline about a character a huge part of the fandom—including the actor himself—hoped for years would get a queer story line?

And it's a pretty unique queer story. Of course, we had Michael figuring out his sexualtiy and growing comfortable in it right at the beginning of the series. But there are some huge differences between Michael's story and Buck's story.

For one, we ended up in the middle of that story. Michael had already done a huge part of the work of getting to know himself. He was ready to live as a gay man. And second, nothing of what we saw until season 3 was from Michael's point of view. It was all from Athena's point of view.

So it was a "coming-out late in life" story line, sure. But it was a queer storyline from a straight perspective. And in some instances, from a very hurt perspective about it all (which are, of course, very valid emotions for Athena, May, and Harry, but it still gave the queer side of the story line a certain taint). And they did that beautifully, too, no doubt. I especially liked that the family didn't break over it, that they grew with that experience, and that Michael and Athena became great friends over the years.

But now we also have a "coming-out late in life" story line from the queer perspective! 9-1-1 is pretty much the only series I'm following right now, so I have no idea if we had something similar recently. But from all the talk I've seen, it's pretty damn unique, especially for a male bi character. So, of course a lot of people are super excited about it. Because it's honest and good representation that the writers and the actors are handling with a lot of care.

"Oh, if it were a female love interest, you'd all hate her again!"

First of all, go back read that paragraph about many people being excited about getting a queer story line again! I think that's about 40% of the answer for everyone wondering about it.

And then, of course, Tommy has now already more depth and character and background than we ever saw about Ali or Natalia. And despite some people claiming he didn't have any kind of redemption arc, he truly had a lot more of a redemption arc than Taylor ever got even if only glimpses of it were ever shown on screen. (Maybe I'll get into my thoughts about that in another post.) Not gonna talk about Abby, because I think most of the dislike for her came long after that relationship was over after she ghosted Buck (and after Eddie had shown up).

One huge difference between every love interest of Buck or Eddie we have seen in the past to Tommy is also, that Tommy gets along really well with Eddie. We've already seen a friendship develop there. That never happened with any of the women either Eddie or Buck dated before. We saw that one dinner Buck and Taylor had with Eddie and Chris, but it was very clear it was the first time, and that was over half a year into Buck and Taylor dating, probably more like nine months.

If you wear slash googles around Buck and Eddie or not, their deep friendship is undeniable. It's very much canon that they both have a hand in raising Chris. Any love interest coming in has to deal with that, and has to somehow fit into that friendship. Tommy is the very first love interest in canon we have ever been shown to have that potential at all.

I'm personally part of the fandom that thinks that Buck and Eddie have great potential in a romantic way, BUT that they are first and foremost soulmates, no matter if platonic or romantic. And at least the Bucktommy fics I've read so far have all acknowledge the friendship of buck and Eddie and Chris' role in Buck's life. With Tommy being very accepting and supportive of it. (Though, I admit I’m very careful in my selection process.)

"Oh, Bucktommy is only a steppingstone for Buddie anyway! Don't get so invested in it!"

Who are you tell anyone what they should get invested in? I also think, with the excitement right now, even if Bucktommy break up, the ship itself will live on in fandom.

And also, didn't any of you learn out of the cheating story line they settled Hen and Karen with?

There is barely any content for Henren*. And I've been looking! Most stories they are tagged in don't really focus on their relationship. And those who do focus on their relationship get barely any attention. And you know why that is? Because a lot of people can't or don't want to deal with the cheating. (I deal with it by trying to ignore it or seeking out content where it's fixed!) Do you all really want to have a second queer story line that centers around cheating?

And even if none of you care for Henren (which... I know many don't *shrugs sadly*), have you all already forgotten the real pain over Buck kissing Lucy and then not fessing up to Taylor about it right away? (Once again, I deal by either ignoring it or seeking out content that fixes that bullshit.)

I'm honestly pretty disgusted by all the speculation about 7x06 that has anything to do with Buck and Eddie cheating on Tommy and Marisol during the bachelor party. And even more so about all the fics one can find about that, or that use Tommy as a device for Buck and Eddie realizing they are in love. (Honestly, even filtering out the other relationship tag while looking for stories in one relationship tag doesn't prevent one from stumbling over those stories right now, no matter if one is currently looking for Buck/Tommy or Buck/Eddie stories. It's so fucking annoying. I've turned to only reading old Buddie fics for the moment.)

Aside from the whole cheating of it all, why do any of you think the next episode will focus on anyone else but Maddie and Chim?

"Bucktommy is so racist! But really, no surprise in this fandom!"

What's no surprise is that "racist" is once more used as a buzzword in this fandom. To the point that BiPOC fans of Bucktommy are being told they are racist for the ship they like. (Nothing new about that in this fandom either.) Honestly, half the arguments about why the ship is oh so racist either make my head hurt while I try to follow the many, many, many mental loops people are making to get there, or they just make me laugh outright.

Do some of you really believe it when you say "Buck got together with a White man instead of his Latino best friend, so of course that's racist!"??? I'm just... Are you okay? Do you maybe need something warm to drink, a snack, and a nice place somewhere in the sun far away from the internet to just enjoy nature for a little while?

As I said, I'll probably make another post about Tommy's redemption arc over the whole "He is an unrepentant racist and misogynist". That redemption arc exists and has been baked in since season 2 (even if some of people clearly lack the media literacy to see it). Though, other people already put together great meta posts about this. But maybe if there are enough of it, some people will for once acutally read and start to think instead of continuing to spew their hate.

*PS: If anyone has good Henren contant, especially fanfiction, feel free to drop me a DM. I'm always looking!

#911 abc #tommy kinard #even buckley #bucktommy #hen wilson #karen wilson #henren

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prythiansfavoritefox · 5 hours

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[ COMFORT ] 🪷 Elain 🪷

Lucien could not take it anymore. Bottling up all of his problems inside was killing him. He hated himself, he hated his life, he hated his fucking job. He hated that no matter what he did, Tamlin seemed to be so far out of his reach. The last time they'd spoken, Tamlin had given him a black eye. Cauldron boil him, he'd tried not to retaliate, but...something in him had just snapped. Everything that had happened to him over the past several months had just spilled over, and he'd set a driving punch straight into Tamlin's abdomen. Then he tunneled so deep down into that rage that he hadn't even noticed his fire swirling around him as he absolutely pummeled Tamlin. He had burned most of Tamlin's clothes off, and little burn marks peppered his skin. His own clothes, woven with magic fire-resistant cloth from Autumn, remained intact.

Lucien had known that whatever progress he might have made with Tamlin was undone the moment he had punched back. So frustrating-so unbelievably frustrating to have to deal with a broken High Lord and his court, yet no one cared. Feyre hadn't even asked about his eye. Not like Lucien had offered the information; he didn't trust Feyre or the Inner Circle as far as he could throw them. With information, he had no choice. But his feelings? He could keep them to himself and spare himself the hurt.

When he was in his small house in Velaris safely in bed, he let himself cry. Why had his life come to this? What had he done in a previous life to deserve this? Who was he kidding, playing emissary to the Night Court? He didn't belong here any more than he belonged in Spring. Gods, he missed Autumn. He didn't think that was something he'd ever say, but at least Beron had mostly left him alone. He was free to pursue his education, free to make friends amongst the gentry, free to practice his sword and read books and whatever else he was interested in. He loved being busy and visiting other courts, but considering a big part of his work was babysitting a miserable man who had in the latter stages of their relationship become abusive towards him, it was safe to say he'd much rather being doing anything else.

Sigh. He could probably do a ten times better job of ruling than any of these fools, but alas, he was stuck in this weak role of emissary, disrespected by all who associated with him. Not even his mate cared for him.

By the Cauldron, he missed Jesminda. The only person who had ever cared for him, chosen him.

At some point while crying, he fell asleep. Something tugged in his gut, and he found himself watching himself sitting beside a pond, bare feet dipped in the water, and next to him sat a stunningly beautiful brunette. Elain. His Elain. His mate who did not want him-

Lucien, she whispered quietly. This is just a dream, Lucien told himself, but it did not feel that way. No, that tug on his gut was very real.

She was wearing a long ruffled lavender dress with a pretty straw hat on her head. She held a matching basket, but when Lucien looked inside, there were only worms. Lucien jumped back.

"The Night Court gardens' soil is very poor, so I bred some ground worms to help replenish the nutrients," Elain said matter-of-factly, like she hadn't just said the most shocking thing ever. Lucien gaped at her. "You actually bred...?"

"Yes!" Elain said brightly. Then she gently put a hand on his shoulder, her big eyes full of concern. "You seem upset. Is there something wrong?"

Lucien snorted, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. "As if you care if something is wrong."

"Of course I care," Elain said insistently. "You are my mate."

"Do not condescend to me," Lucien replied sharply. "I know such things mean nothing to humans."

"But I am no human anymore," Elain said, trying to reach for Lucien's body again. He pulled away again, and he almost regret it looking at the hurt that formed in her doe-brown eyes. But she avoided him like the plague in daylight; was he wrong to return the favor?

"But you still adhere to the human culture and rules," Lucien pointed out.

"It doesn't matter what I adhere to!" Elain shouted exasperatedly. "It doesn't matter how much I tell myself the mating bond means nothing, when I cannot breathe every time you are near. It doesn't matter how much I resent it, how much I feel is the bond and how much is me, when all I can think of when you are close to me are thoughts improper for a lady."

Lucien blinked, heat creeping up in his face as he recalled the absolutely filthy thoughts in her mind as he'd tugged on the bond that one afternoon.

"Fine," Lucien muttered. "It was Tamlin. He's being grumpy and uncooperative. I know he's hurting, but goddamnit, he has hurt me. And Spring has to be up and running soon, else the land is ripe for the taking."

Elain tilted her head curiously. "Is that really all?" Lucien sighed, shaking his head. "No, that was just a culmination of all my frustrations thus far."

"I thought so," Elain answered quietly. "You bottle up your feelings when you are hurt. Throw yourself into your tasks instead rather than wallow about it or engage in self-destructive behavior."

Lucien blinked at her in surprise. "You have been watching me."

"Of course I've been watching you," Elain said as if it were obvious. "How could I not? But also...I understand. You and I are the same in that right, I suppose."

Lucien didn't know what possessed him to do such a thing, but he crawled forward and laid his head on Elain's lap. She looked down at him and smiled serenely, stroking his hair, his cheek, his chin. Then she bent down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Rest darling," Elain said sweetly. "No one can hurt you here." She continued to stroke him gently as his eyes drifted off, and the rest of his sleep was deep and pleasant.

#lucien vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #elain archeron #pro elain archeron #elucien #pro elucien

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henghost · 1 day

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Twig Liveblog for Arc 17

what an obsenely horny arc... not that i'm complaining. you've got sy being incorrigible with lillian, sy thirsting over mabel to a concerning degree (i think he literally starts sniffing her sweaty clothes), the lingering jessie tension (this one is more than acceptable, and they kiss!!!!!!! yippeee!!!), egregious amounts of helen cleavage/tongue/etc., and of course the sleeping dragon. my little bro needs to get laid more than he needs oxygen 💀💀💀💀

twig gets so much more electric when the full lamb party is around. all their little interactions are so full of character and life. every time sy talks to lillian it scratches that YA itch so good. i love mary/lillian yuri! i love ashton!! and there's duncan too. all the weapon children in their perfect toxic symbiosis 🥺 sad that it didn't take up more of the arc!

i love big neph too. with size like that i think he's playing for the wrong kings 😂😂😂 i bet it feels so good to be inside that stomach pouch....

and then there's more fighting... yay.... the way awful coaching talks about basketball coaches is the way i talk to wildbow in my head. you do NOT need a chapter devoted to banal logistical concerns!!! you do NOT need play by play descriptions of every minute detail of every scene!!! cut those paragraphs!!! those ten paragraphs could very easily be two paragraphs!!! and they would be much better paragraphs!!!!

wildbow has such a powerful fascination with Factions who need to have Tense Discussions. this is simply not very interesting. i want characters to interact with each other. there is lots of cool stuff included in this portion of the arc -- there's that great scene where sy thinks helen is dead and phantom!mauer starts quoting the bible at him, for instance, as well as plenty of cool new experiments -- but all this cruft drowns it out. i do not care about what bea thinks of sedge. i do not care about the mad baker. sorry.

the lillian interlude was very good. lillian is such an interesting and ambiguous character. she enthralls me even if i don't like her very much. watching her try and achieve her goals, and being affronted when she does not, feels so heartbreaking and real. getting a commendation but not an accolade, even after sy has revealed to her the dark secret of the nobility, even though she knows the real purpose of the academies is to prop up and puppet this evil regime who has done nothing but abuse her and her closest friends -- it still hurts her. in fact it gives her newfound determination to become an even more powerful despot. is it ego? to get back at her parents? then an aging technocrat explains to her that she'd be better off being a mail-order bride, and follows this up by telling her half the country is lost to plague. it's so relevant it's painful.

i'm going to write so much mary/lillian femslash you have no idea....

#twigblr #henghost's twig arc #sylvester lambsbridge #twig liveblog #excited for the next one :O

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andreal831 · 2 days

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I feel guilty: In some ways, I feel Hayley and the Mikaelsons set up Hope to fail. Now, with canon included, I think Hope did find her way - but ironically feel like her story should have been "Klaus, Hayley, and Elijah are what the remaining family tied to Hope but with the three dead - Hope is on her own, and having to navigate a world where she loves her dad but everyone is just as entitled to hate him and come into conflict with that". (Sorry, that's a long one). Basically because of how morally dubious the TVD gang (+ Dorian) could be - it makes sense that they know to separate Klaus's actions from Hope - but what about those who did not have that luxury and only remember a monster that was Klaus? I would use Tyler's story, but in a vague gesture: Hope needs to earn someone's trust after her father (or other relatives) brutalized them and has no way to defend or justify it. Essentially getting someone's trust for her as "Only Hope" and not the surname she's connected to. Or the more common arc, Hope realizing just because she loves her family doesn't mean she can overwrite the centuries of cruel history they left behind.

I'm not saying the Mikaelsons didn't love Hope, but Hope is unique (not just as a tribrid but the only living blood relative who hasn't been alive for a millennia) and had pressure on her that shouldn't be there. Hayley loved her, but should have warned her that living in a town that still had - living - people her dad fought with and hurt should have taken precedence over keeping a torch lit for their relationship. Klaus had his chance to be someone in this world, now Hope has to live in it and make something of herself - in his name or by herself.

(Sorry if this comes off anti. While I have anti thoughts and do like Hope, I think she could have stood to have a better characterized arc.)

I'll start by prefacing this and say that I haven't seen much of Legacies, I only know a lot of the show from edits.

But I agree that the show did a pretty terrible job with really diving into the cycle of trauma and pressures that were put on Hope since before she was even born. They were so focused on making Klaus redeemable and centering Hope around Klaus that they didn't allow for her character to have the development she needed.

I really like what I know about Hope's character and I even look past the wild hoops the writers had to jump through to make her existence possible. But for a show that centered around a magical, miracle baby, they sidelined her character a lot. The writers were so focused on setting up Legacies that they forgot to give the characters the development that was necessary for it to get there.

People love to say that Klaus broke the cycle of abuse with Hope, but he didn't. It just manifested in a different way. He never physically harmed her, but he neglected, abandoned, and emotionally harmed her repeatedly. This trauma is something that Hope doesn't even get to work through.

Hope at 7 years old seems more or less well adjusted. I think Hayley did a good job protecting her from everything. She missed her family in an abstract way because she didn't truly understand what she was missing. She had Hayley and Mary. Klaus allowing himself to be captured and held prisoner was the best thing he ever did for Hope. She was able to live for seven years safe and loved. I may get hate for it, but Hope was better off living as a Marshall away from the Mikaelsons.

I don't necessarily think Hayley was wrong for letting Hope grow up believing the best in her family. At that point, Hope was very isolated. She deserved to have a childhood without it being taken away by the Mikaelsons. But I do think Hayley should have had more conversations with her as she got older, especially if she was going to a school where it was likely to come up.

As soon as she is back with the Mikaelsons, her life once again revolved around what she can do for Klaus. I'm not saying they all didn't love Hope, but she was never allowed to just exist. The fact that she used to keep points when she was "good" or "bad" shows just how much she felt it. She had to be perfect because if she wasn't, she wouldn't be worth their sacrifice or Klaus might slip back into a terrible person.

I've talked about it before, but sending Hope to the Salvatore School made no sense to me. She was safer in New Orleans. She had her mother's pack, he vampires would protect her for Josh and Marcel, Vincent wouldn't let anything happen to her, and she had her mother. Hayley sending her daughter away to boarding school for most of the year made zero sense. I watched the first few episodes of Legacies before TO and I genuinely thought they all died when she was a child because of how she acted with Alaric and the twins. She desperately wanted a family, something Hayley had done a great job providing in the past, but sending her away to school made Hope feel neglected. She was already being neglected by Klaus, she didn't need to feel abandoned by both parents.

And, as you said, she is sent to a school that is run by a man who hates her father, in a town full of people who hate her whole family. She had to listen to people talking about how awful they were, and it was all warranted, which makes it worse for her. She didn't get to attempt to process that on her own. She had to do it while constantly being compared to her family. Alaric was always using it as a way to punish her. The adults clearly were not mature enough to separate Hope from what her family did and they had no business being in charge of her.

The entire terrible legacy of the Mikaelsons was put on Hope's shoulder and the show just ignored that trauma because if they didn't, they would have to admit that Klaus wasn't redeemed, everyone just moved on. So then the people who didn't just move on look like the bad guys. Alaric had every right to hate Klaus, Tyler would have every right to hate both of Hayley and Klaus. They don't owe the Mikaelsons anything, but it is also not fair that Hope has to take the brunt of their anger because Klaus died and got away with literal murder. Hope was a child and shouldn't have had to work to prove herself. She deserved love and support and understanding, like every other child. She deserved to have the space and support to sort out her feelings toward her family, the good and the bad. She deserved to yell at Klaus for abandoning her, to be angry at Elijah for putting that pressure on her, to be angry at her aunts and uncles for abandoning her after her parents died. She deserved to figure out who she was outside of the legacy of pain and torment her family left behind, but as far as I can tell, she is never given that time. All of this would have given her character more depth. Coming to the realization that her family were terrible people but she still loved them is a hard pill to swallow, but it was something she needed to come to terms with. Glorifying Klaus and erasing Hayley, did very little for her development except to play on Klaus' popularity for views.

I love the Mikaelsons but each and every one of them were terrible at being family and terrible people. Hope suffered because of this.

Thanks for the ask! Sorry if I just went on a tangent and didn't fully answer your question.

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natalyarose · 1 day

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𝓚𝓾𝓻𝓽 𝓒𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓲𝓷 - 𝐵𝒾𝓇𝓉𝒽 𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝒜𝓃𝒶𝓁𝓎𝓈𝒾𝓈

warning: very, very long lol

I wanted to create an in depth chart analysis on someone, and it had to be someone famous whose life I knew well. I honestly don't keep up with celebrities much, but the obvious answer to me was Kurt. When I was an angsty, hurting, misunderstood young teenager, he had my whole heart. I came from a very 'pristine' upperclass neighbourhood, yet my home life was a battle ground. In my childhood, I didn't meet a lot of people like me who were also hurting or have been to dark places (or at least, nobody would talk about it), so someone as raw as Kurt & a sound as unapologetic as Nirvana was like an oasis, I felt love. I sort of grew out of the 'obsession' with him as a person, but I still remember the way Nirvana and Kurt's imprint on this Earth made me feel. I was utterly intoxicated. The music, the poetry, the eyes, the passion, the pain of an outcast, the sarcasm, the anger at injustice... magic.

So without further ado, let's delve into Kurt's chart. I'm going to try to talk about the key things I notice. I'll be applying Ernst Wilhelm's Dhruva Galactic Center Ayanamsa (on Astroseek, Galactic Center mid-mula).

Moon in Punarvasu

Let's start with the Moon, typically considered the most intimately personal planet in Vedic Astrology. It actually takes some adjusting for me to see Kurt as a Punarvasu Moon since in Lahiri he is Ardra and I think he's sort've become a 'poster child' for the moody, edgy, destructive nature of Ardra. Even I used him as a prime example of Ardra in a video a few years ago... but I realise now it makes perfect sense. He is still very Rahuvian, which I'll further explain in a bit.

First of all, we're looking at the Sidereal Gemini section of Punarvasu-a brilliant mind, comedic, a writer, a communicator, and as we know a musician. I see Punarvasu's Jupiterian nature in his kindness, gentleness and intense loyalty to his values when it comes to protecting & advocating for the innocent. Kurt was very protective of women and children and despite his 'rockstar' image, was humble and always seeking to use Nirvana's music to advocate for social change. I know this behaviour can be seen as Rahuvian in nature, but I actually think this perception comes from misunderstandings from the Ayanamsa issue. Rahuvians can absolutely take an interest in social/political protest, but often Rahu natives prefer to 'play the game' and find purity and order in the chaos & illusions rather than actively push for expansion (Jupiter) and change.

As seen through various forms of literature & media documenting his life, Kurt had a tendency to look out for & befriend underdogs- a common trait of Jupiterians.

Another thing to note is that Jupiter rules sound. A strong Jupiterian placement gives an extremely powerful sonic presence. Kurt was an amazingly versatile singer, his ability to alternate between soft, melodic vocals & raspy, fierce, powerhouse metal-esque vocals was- is, phenomenal. The emotion and meaning conveyed in his voice is felt vibrantly even when the lyrics are muffled (famously, Nirvana lyrics are hard to understand lol).

The gentle nature of Kurt's Punarvasu Moon really shines through in these photos I love. Not to mention, Punarvasu being the Cat yoni! Kurt adored his cats. He also adored his daughter, in the sadly, short time he spent with her, in interviews and photos taken around the time we get a glimpse of his love and tenderness.

Physically, yes, Kurt has very Rahuvian gorgeous eyes, the 'scruffy' look that's typical of Rahu men, etc. - but look at his chin! Jupiterian natives are easily identified by their prominent chins (Jupiter connecting to the voice places an emphasis on the chin/throat area). Not to mention his hair- Cat yoni Nakshatras often give very sleek, smooth hair like a kitty cat. I know a few Punarvasu men with that kind of hair.

Punarvasu Nakshatra is often connected to imagery of angels. A lot of famous photos of Kurt depict Angel-esque wings in the background. Nirvana's album 'In Utero', depicts the figure of a woman with angelic wings. I see the Punarvasu angelic effect in the way I often see people remarking that Kurt was 'too pure for this world'.

One more distinctly Punarvasu theme I want to mention - Punarvasu's mythology is all about second chances, 'trying again'. Before Nirvana, Kurt started a band called 'Fecal Matter' (lol, wonderful). The band fell apart, but then came Nirvana. It is said that Punarvasu natives always get a 'second chance' or that things come in twos.

tw//

Another much sadder manifestation of this theme: As talked about in 'Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck', as a teenager Kurt Cobain attempted suicide. He heard a train was coming then went and lay on the tracks. It turned out that the train went on the other track. I guess you could say he got a 'second chance' in a way.

As we know, his life ended through suicide :(

Kurt's Punarvasu Moon sits in his 10th house, considered the house of career, the public eye and ambition. This makes perfect sense and is a very common placement to see in celebrities. With Moon in the 10th house, the emotions and internal nature are on display to the public in some way, which is true for Kurt. The native is radiant and marvelled at in their vulnerability of spirit- the 10th house and MC can be seen as the sky, and when Moon is in the 10th, everyone is looking up at you, enchanted.

His Moon is quite close to Jupiter. Most people would say it's too far to be a conjunction and technically it is, but I have a very open mind when it comes to aspects- especially aspects to the Moon! The faster changing the planet, the more sensitive it is to surrounding planets. I would argue that the Moon can feel influenced by planets close to a whole sign away (I'll have to make a seperate post on this at some point).

Anyway, Jupiter being close to Kurt Cobain's Moon only enhances his Jupiterian qualities. Jupiter on (or near to) the Moon can amplify the intensity of a person's emotions and internal convictions.

Jupiter also relates to spirituality - Kurt explored different religious structures (Christianity, Buddhism, etc.) at various points of his life, which makes makes sense considering his Jupiter ('Guru', spirituality, faith) is in Pushya, a Saturnian (restriction, structure) Nakshatra. Pushya is also known to be the 'birth of sadness' amongst the Nakshatras.

Ascendant in Uttaraphalguni (conjunct Pluto & Uranus)

Of course, in traditional Vedic Astrology the outer planets aren't used, but I incorporate them; especially when they're this prominent in their positioning- Kurt has both Pluto & Uranus very closely conjunct his ascendant, Uranus & ASC forming a 0° orb. While amazing, it is very typical to see this or similar astrological placements in the charts of people who've had a major impact in this world! While the inner planets are more personal, the outer, slower moving planets speak of the masses. Outer planets are generational, showing their influence in major trends and global events.

Kurt having these outer planets so close to his Ascendant speaks to how powerfully influential he has been on our world. He's inspired not one, but now many generations of youth with his image, his legacy.

It is not uncommon for people with Pluto on the Ascendant to become famous for their death which rings true for Kurt. A lot of people who may know not much else about him or Nirvana, know of his death and the tragedy surrounding it. Pluto gives him a natural intensity.

Uranus on the Ascendant speaks to a person who is eccentric, erratic or somehow unusual. 'Alien-like'. Kurt is often praised for his unique, unconventional mind and approach to his artistry. The first house being intimately related to how a person dresses & represents physically, Kurt dressed in many controversial ways, often to make a statement on political issues (wearing dresses for example).

It is no wonder Kurt's ascendant is in Uttaraphalguni, a Sun ruled Nakshatra. Sun ruled Nakshatras are radiant and tend to make natural leaders. He was of course, the frontman or the 'face' of Nirvana. Uttaraphalguni tends to be very good natured, but no-nonsense. Especially in the Virgo section. Uttaraphalguni natives are often kind in my experience, but have little tolerance for lack of efficiency which is true of Kurt, who held his bandmates to a strong standard. This Solar objectivity of knowing what's up to standard and what misses the mark is likely a big reason for Nirvana's huge success! Kurt was known to be somewhat ruthless or at least, very particular in how he wanted things to go in the band. (also a trait we see in Venusian Nakshatras; Kurt having Rahu in Bharani).

Sun Nakshatras tend to bless their natives with a natural sense of ease and comfort. The unapologetic authenticity Sun Nakshatras radiate means it's not uncommon to see these people as pioneers in whatever their field is. Nirvana was a huge catalyst and made a name for themselves in the genre of 'grunge', but Nirvana continues to inspire all kinds of artists to this day.

Kurt having his ascendant in Uttaraphalguni made him a naturally magnetic person to women and men alike. People are extremely drawn to the warmth, loyalty and genuine nature of Solar natives.

Authenticity was a value held in extremely high esteem for Kurt. It was typical for him to do things like, playing songs Nirvana was told they couldn't play, just for the principle of it. While I mention Kurt's exploration of religion earlier, Kurt rejected the Catholic concept of God very strongly. He despised what he saw to be unfounded control over others' being, creativity & sexuality.

Sun Nakshatras are self made: they lead, others' follow/take inspiration.

A very good friend of mine showed me that people with strong Solar influence in their charts photograph very well in black and white because of their energetic radiance (they shine so brightly, they don't need colour to stand out). It also can be attributed to the fact that Sun Nakshatras tend to give strong and sometimes sharp & chiseled features. Another interesting thing is it's not uncommon to see Sun people with natural golden yellow-y streaks through their hair, which is true of Kurt Cobain.

Sun in Shatabisha

Shatabisha is the all seeing eye. It is the Nakshatra pertaining to secrets & the collective unconscious. Shatabisha natives are very tapped into the minds and emotions of the collective. They can be natural born mystics, very hyper aware of 'behind the scenes' or 'under the surface' societal themes.

A lot of Shatabisha natives are extremely cognizant of social & political issues. While I believe it is moreso Jupiter Nakshatras that take on that strong drive to actively make noise and make a change, Rahu is the observer, Rahu sees what is the issue. Hence Shatabisha translating to '100 healers'. Rahuvians will often dress or behave in unusual or eccentric ways, as if to show the world they cannot and will not be placed into a box of any kind. I mentioned earlier Kurt dressing and portraying himself controversially in ways such as wearing dresses, very aligned with Rahuvian nature.

Rahu/Shatabisha's sensitivity and attraction to altered states of perception (the all seeing eye wants to see the world from many angles) means that there is often a natural inclination to explore substances. A lot of Shatabisha natives I've met in real life engage in some form of escapism be it through gaming, drugs, or even sugary foods & energy drinks that give that hit. This is especially the case for Rahu influenced men rather than women, because the slightly more feminine nature of Rahu can feel less natural to men. They may feel they have a harder time dealing with the challenges/expectations related to being a man in society when they are influenced by such a flowy & feminine force. They feel themselves being the observer rather than the 'do-er' and it can cause self-esteem struggles. However, Kurt's other placements (namely, Jupiter & Solar influence especially) helped to give him a natural ability to be more hands on in life.

Of course famously & tragically, Kurt got lost in his addictions and his mental health deteriorated. I'm sure we can't blame the entire tragedy on Shatabisha energies and there's more in his chart we could look into to understand why/how this came to be, but looking broadly at patterns of Rahuvian men, we can understand the theme.

Shatabisha natives have the ablitiy make amazing art; the sheer vastness of their minds and Rahu's receptivity to external influences means that they have a wealth of ability to take in inspiration from others, then transform it into something unique and out of this world!

Every Shatabisha native I've met knows EVERYTHING there is to know about the artists, books, fashion, YouTubers, etc. they are interested in. They often have physical collections, and are very keenly attuned to pop culture (or just media in general). I've met a lot of Shatabisha natives who have a very specific genre/subculture they take interest in and know everything about, yet they still know everything about 'mainstream' culture too. Idk how they know so much lol, but I believe the all seeing eye effect of Shatabisha makes it easy for them to take in that information very efficiently.

We see this incredible art & knowledge of culture in Kurt, who was openly a fanatic of many other artists and referenced who and what he knows time and time again in his music.

Kurt's Shatabisha Sun is in his 6th house, meaning these energies are especially highlighted when it comes to his everyday life, day to day employment, etc. which we know is true seeing as he was a musician.

One of Kurt's first girlfriends used to be the 'breadwinner', and Kurt would stay home and paint or write music.

Also in his 6th house is Mercury in Purvabhadrapada- Mercury rules over the intellect, communication, thoughts. Kurt was known to be very moody and somewhat unpredictable. Purvabhadrapada's symbol is a man with 2 faces, so an unpredictable and dualistic quality can be see in the way he expresses himself. Mental health struggles can definitely be seen with this placement. Being the height of Jupiter, we also see a more aggressive form of Jupiterian challenging of limitations & societal expectations in Purvabhadrapada, which we do see with Kurt.

Uttarabhadrapada 7th House Stellium

Kurt Cobain has Venus, Saturn & Chiron in the 7th house.

The 7th house is the house of marriage, partnerships, business and other people. I learnt that the 7th house is associated with fame, as when you are famous you know a lot of people/are viewed by the people. Also, achieving fame often has more to do with connections, contracts, and partnerships than it does to do with ambition & talent alone. So it makes sense that a famous person would have a strongly lit up 7th house.

Looking at photos of Kurt, I'm noticing how Saturnian he appears- the symmetrical features, 'stern' look. That also can be attributed to him having a prominent Sun Nakshatra which gives a 'stoic' nature, but Saturn really comes through as well. He is also very Saturnian in his rulebreaking tendencies- Saturn Nakshatra men tend to have a strong internal moral code but love to break rules that they don't deem to be rules that are there for a good reason.

At 19, Kurt spray-painted 'God is Gay' and was arrested for it. He did this to irritate homophobic people, homophobia being something he stood strongly against having had a very close friend in school who was gay.

Uttarabhadrapada in particular is an extremely intense Nakshatra. It's related to sacrifice & suffering in the name of providing for the greater good, being the cow yoni (as cows provide milk). It's symbolised by the death bed. This is eerie knowing of his suicide, but beyond that I think it really fits with Kurt's views on fame. He didn't necessarily enjoy being famous or plan to become as big as Nirvana did, but in a way being that famous is sacrificial. The media milked him and his life in whatever way they could as they do with most uber famous people.

The 'suffering', Saturnian starvation and sacrificial themes in Uttarabhadrapada have a natural connection to the story of Jesus, which of course we see Kurt depicting Jesus on the cross in the Heart Shaped Box music video. A beautifully poetic song.

Venus being the planet of beauty, love, art, and femininity, means it is very important to look at in the chart of an artist, and Kurt's Uttarabhadrapada Venus being conjunct Chiron really speaks to how a lot of Nirvana & Kurt's songs speak of pain and suffering. Chiron is 'the wounded healer'- it is said that where your Chiron is can be where you have the power to help or heal others, but struggle yourself.

Of course, Kurt's 7th house Uttarabhadrapada stellium reflects his infamous relationship with his wife Courtney Love, very well. Kurt's ascendant is in sunny, jovial Uttaraphalguni, and many are of the opinion that Courtney or at least, the relationship really dragged Kurt down and wore down his psyche sadly. I don't like to speak too badly of anyone, but a lot of people see Courtney as a huge influence on Kurt's deteriorated physical and mental health. They would exasperate one another's drug issues, both struggling to stay clean even with a baby in the picture.

Courtney is really painted as a villain by many which is very Uttaraphalguni-Uttarabhadrapada axis... Uttaraphalguni is the shining Sun, Uttarabhadrapada is the dark, cold depths of the ocean... also, ice. This perception is rampant, many viewing Courtney as a manipulative 'psycho', some even theorising that Kurt's tragic death may have been a homicide of her doing.

You could even say that Courtney is the Uttarabhadrapada 'sacrificial lamb'; her own reputation taking a drastic hit so that the image of Kurt as blameless for how things ended can live on. Of course, it could be read the other way around in that Kurt was the 'sacrifice' in this relationship. Either way, these energies are present.

These photos of their wedding (famously, Kurt is in his pyjamas lol) in Hawaii are actually very Uttarabhadrapada in nature- the stormy dark weather and the ocean outside. The Sun is feint in the background- perhaps could be interpreted as symbolic of Kurt's Uttarabhadarapada 7th house (of marriage) drowning the light & joy of his Solar ascendant. Not that they had no joy together, but more that together they were headed down this dark path.

Rahu in Bharani/Ketu in Vishakha & Mars in Swati

Being a Shatabisha (Rahu ruled) Sun, Rahu in Kurt's chart becomes extremely significant being a depositor.

Rahu in Bharani is I imagine, at the root of a lot of Kurt's artistic interests. Kurt had a fascination with life & death, life in the womb, & the female anatomy, all Bharani themes. The most obvious example of this being Nirvana's album literally being called 'In Utero'. Also, there is a Nirvana song literally titled 'moist vagina' lol, a personal favourite actually (I find it so sexy & raunchy in an odd way haha)

Another thing that comes to mind is Heart Shaped Box- after Lana Del Rey (Bharani Venus & Rahu) covered it, Courtney Love revealed that the song was about her vagina lol...

Ketu in Vishakha can speak to obsession and drive, Vishakha being 'the Star of Purpose'. This is an extremely strong willed and potentially very artistic placement for Ketu. Vishakha is ruled by Indra, King of the Gods & Agni, the God of fire. Indra ruled over storms and rain. Ketu in Vishakha gives way to very intense emotions and a very powerful drive to create and fulfil what gives the native that sense of purpose. For Kurt, that was his music. I'll note that this means Kurt has a Grand Trine in the three Jupiter Nakshatras -

Moon in Punarvasu, Ketu in Vishakha, Mercury in Purvabhadrapada

A grand trine in a chart can point to someone possessing a unique gift or ability that comes effortlessly to them. As mentioned earlier, Jupiter rules the voice & sound in general. Jupiter rules expansion, growth. The weakness of Jupiter comes with overindulgence, going too far into the deep end. While Saturn willingly goes into the deep end through sacrifice & limitation, Jupiter can drive itself into dark places with its sheer lack of limitation.

Mars in Swati is at first glance, a very gentle Mars as Swati is ruled by Vayu, God of the Wind. It is not an angry Nakshatra perse, but it can be extremely cutting and 'quick with words' as it is the butcher caste. Of course, Kurt was a poet at heart.

One of Swati's main mythologies (to make it short and sweet) is about a boy who impressed the Gods with his bravery and abilities, and was then blessed with powers. However, the boy was a mischievous child always causing pranks, so for his 'naughtiness' he was then cursed to forget his story & his powers. However, later down the track he was reminded of his powers and his past.

This story highlights Swati's tendency to be extremely self-doubting of their own capabilities. They have 'forgotten' their powers and need to remember. Swati natives really struggle with feeling as though they aren't 'enough' and just like the story, really need people in their life who consistently remind them of their abilities and what they're capable of.

Kurt was known to be very self-deprecating in this way, often doubting his abilities and and despising the way he looked (also something we see with Chiron conjunct Venus).

Swati also gives a playful and childlike nature, often taking an interest in dolls, cartoons and other playful novelty things which is true of Kurt.

IC in Mula, MC in Mrigashira

Lastly, I'm going to briefly talk about Kurt's IC-MC axis.

The IC represents the childhood, home life & inner/private self. Mula is the final Ketuvian Nakshatra, and translates to 'roots'. Mula's primary motivation is truth, getting to the honest root of things regardless of whether it's pretty or not.

Mula for this reason is a Nakshatra associated with destruction, because the truth will often break absolutely destroy the ground of faulty foundations in society.

As the IC, this could represent a situation where in the household, this child acted as the whistle-blower of truth and saw through the family dynamics + were outspoken about what they saw. This rings true of Kurt, he was seen as somewhat of a 'problem child' at home and was outwardly, vocally embarrassed and unhappy with the turbulent family situation.

So at Kurt's core inner self, he valued truth. He would rather an 'ugly' disturbing truth than a beautiful lie.

The MC represents a person's outer persona, the identity and values the person wishes most to present to the world. Mrigashira is the birth of Mars. Mars is the maverick, the rebel, but also the fighter.

I definitely see that society at large had this perception of Kurt that he was this martian, aggressive person in some ways; especially taking the emotion and lyrics put into him & Nirvana's music at face value.

Mrigasira Nakshatra is known for being a 'troll', and Kurt trolled the media a looot. I think of that time in Nirvana when he intentionally butchered Smells Like Teen Spirit. Or him mocking the media's constant gossip about him like in this clip '...dead, pregnant, on heroin... I'm a hermaphrodite as well!' lol.

I'm going to finish this analysis here, this ended up being very long, but I hope it was interesting for someone! It was good practice for me... it also reminded me why I don't do readings anymore lol, I love astrology but... man. This was just the icing on the cake too!

Thankyou for reading ♡

#vedic astrology #nakshatras #astrology #chart analysis #kurt cobain #sidereal astrology #astrology observations

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