#i didnt realize i was flirting out of spite but i find this hilarious two years later

[beaversatemygrandma]

I was randomly thinking about how my name rubs me the wrong way, always has, always will. Like yes, i love how it's unique (met like two people who shared it with me at most but now that the namesake's dead.... well there's more), and I've always gotten complimented on it and how its pronounced and whatever. But holy hell, could it be any more ragingly feminine.

I also remembered this weird conversation i had with this coworker (straight dude who was like 35 and always flirting with me, tbh i usually play along because it made him Very Helpful). Anyhoo, him and somebody else were talking about 90s music artists. He was like "Ya know who was a really good singer? Aaliyah." The other coworker just agreed. Then i noticed him giving me this Look as i held this dumbfounded face trying to figure out why the fuck this had to do with me. It took me like a solid thirty seconds to just say "Ohh yeah, she was pretty good." and just walk the fuck away. Just another small thing that made me internally start screeching about how i hate having this name. Also how else was i supposed to react to that and the damn Look??

Thinking more and more about possible name changes, but i can't even name things, let alone myself. (Have yall seen my flight rising lair??? Half of the dragons are unnamed rn.) Like the only other thing I've gone by was Taksony and that's online on a few sites and sometimes here. It's a medieval hungarian name (i should look up that monarch who had the name and make sure he wasn't problematic. He was a monarch so that might be hard) and i doubt the world is ready for me to bring it back. Plus the short form is Taks and that just sounds like tax. So. Yeah. Taxes. And a name from an OC from the ancient dA days. I just stole his name once i got comfy being called that on FR and lioden and whatever. But yeah. Super feminine name from an old hip hop artist isn't exactly what I'm liking tbh. I've never liked it much and now I'm aware of why i don't so here we are. I'm an adult who's very likely not cis, and renaming yourself is possible. So yeah. Here we are.

#there was also this other time when the guy tried to get my number #and i was standing on a damn ladder as he held it steady #and i literally tossed down what i was holding and just said 'bruh im gay' #and then proceeded to go over to the guy that i had been actively talking to/messing around with #yes the guy was jealous #id be real flirty around the guy i actually liked while he was in earshot and honestly i lived for that shit daily #i mean not to mention the dude is 16 years older than me like fuck no #i didnt realize i was flirting out of spite but i find this hilarious two years later #and yes i would still use his help and kindness to my advantage #i think it as payment for literal harassment #like yes you creepy old dude who asked me out please carry this heavy shit for me that im fully capable of carrying because i dont feel lik #before i get called out for this i want to reiterate that i was 18/19 at this time and the guy was literally 35 sooo #back to the name thing #no i have no ideas and no im likely not doing it anytime soon bc im not even out yet #the bf went on this harmless rant the other day about how he doesnt understand they/them pronouns and ive been reeling #like ik he didnt mean harm and was just asking about it but ugh and i thought i was about to come out to you #might as well just skip to he/him for him... #though id highly prefer he/they #but still #i also remember back in the day when i was really little and scooby doo was the special interest #how i would always say that i wanted to be shaggy but my mom was like no youre more like velma #and i was like No I'm Shaggy. #shaggy gives me gender envy #beavers speaks #some gender shit #back to the scooby doo thing i wonder if that was why i was really into stoner guys for a while #i think it was tbh #not anymore but holy hell do i want to give off those super chill masc vibes #i wonder just how long it took me to realize that i didnt have a crush on those dudes but wanted to be them

[cheekbites-moved]

ok so i watched love simon for the first time last night & i was too tired to make a ‘final thoughts’ post then, so here it is now! lol

obviously this is gonna be long as hell so im putting it under a read more for ur convenience lmfao

im actually gonna start with what i didnt like bc it was just one thing.

obviously, if uve seen the movie (as many ppl hated this too), or read my liveblogging posts, u know what it is lol 

ill be honest, as a gay person, im incredibly biased towards simon. ill admit that. that being said, how his friends treated him after he got outed was fucking disgusting.

here’s the thing: the actions simon did that his friends got upset over were motivated by the threat of him being outed. now, if this movie was just some fluffy, fantastical movie, the threat would just be ppl knowing he’s gay and that’s it. no repercussions, just ppl gaining the knowledge that he’s not straight. not that big a deal.

however, since this movie tries its best to be accurate and realistic to things, it’s not that simple in the movie, and it’s not the simple in real life.

the risk of being outed is not just ‘ppl knowing ur gay’ and that’s it.

the risk of being outed involves the risk of getting bullied (which does happen in the movie, twice. once to ethan on screen, once to simon after he comes out.), getting abandoned by ur friends (which also does happen in the movie), getting expelled from school or fired from ur job if either of them find out & are lgbtphobic, getting kicked out of ur house if ur parents/whoever u live w find out & theyre lgbtphobic, and, at worst, it can come with the risk of getting beaten or even killed.

and no, this isnt me blowing this up to be more serious than it should be. bc unfortunately, in the world we live in, these things can happen as a result of someone being lgbt, whether they came out themselves or were outed by someone else. 

the worst thing simon did was hurt his friends’ feelings a bit. 

he didnt notice leah’s feelings for him (which. why would he? he’s not interested in her, or any girl for that matter, so obviously he’s not looking for the signs of interest. why would he notice that, and why was it his responsibility to know anyway??). he tried to set nick up with her because he genuinely thought she had feelings for nick, and that’s the main reason why he didn’t realize that she liked him.

yes, part of the motive was trying to get nick out the way so he could set abby up with martin, but ffs. let me reiterate that his life, and potential future, were on the line. having the possibility of all the aforementioned things potentially happening to him should make his actions at least understandable.

like falling for someone that doesnt like u back bc theyre not attracted to ur gender (which like.. hello. gay ppl fucking experience that shit all the time too & we have to learn to deal w it.), or being put in a game of matchmaker bc ur friend was trying to save their own fucking life is rly not that big a deal compared to said friend’s situation of trying to save their own fucking life. 

one situation hurts, but can eventually be healed from (which clearly they do in the movie since abby and nick got together anyway in spite of simon’s actions, and leah’s fine). the other situation has the chance of resulting in a fucking future/life being ruined or taken. i think that one is much more fucking important.

all in all, i just wish they wouldve fucking apologized. bc they screamed at him after he got outed. 

abby saw how fucking terrified he was when he came out to her, but she’s not gonna have a single ounce of sympathy when he was outed to the entire school against his will?? like what the fuck! 

also wish they wouldve stood up for him when he got bullied. they just sat there with guilty expressions, but none of them did anything. it was really rough to watch.

as much as all this seriously pissed me off, though, especially as a person who has been outed against my will so all of simon’s heartache as a result rly resonated with me.. 

i appreciate that they put that shit in. 

bc u know what unfortunately that is how cishet ppl react sometimes. guilting u for being lgbt, guilting u for not coming out to them despite knowing how scary it can be, etc etc etc. 

and getting apologizes from cishet ppl for that kinda shit is rare. so, as much as i was annoyed that they didnt apologize, that is unfortunately realistic. as much as i wish they wouldve stood up for him, that was also unfortunately realistic. so im still glad it’s in there even if it did piss me off. 

simon’s speech to martin was nice at least, and i hope that it taught some cishet ppl that have outed ppl, or threatened to out ppl, or wanted to out ppl, why u just dont fucking do that shit.

woo now that that’s outta my system lmfao onto all the good stuff! in bullet list form bc theres a l o t lmfao

the soundtrack ESP for the emotional moments wOw

‘i wanna dance with somebody’ gay musical addition

simon’s subtle annoyed looks whenever straight nonsense™  happens

simon’s terrible attempts at being straight

simon’s extremely subtle, but still noticeable if ur lgbt, panic whenever the potential chance of him being outed/discovered arises 

the dog

simon’s parents’ speeches to him after he comes out to them

seriously as gay, nb person w lgbtphobic parents that shit meant a lot to hear. 

the fact that this is not only a mainstream lgbt rom-com, but also a mainstream movie abt a gay kid learning to love himself and be confident with himself and his sexuality

simon’s journey to being able to proudly proclaim that he’s gay.

the speech he has near the end is so fucking powerful bc we see him struggle throughout the movie to say it. 

first he cant say it at all, then he can only say it quietly, but by the end of the movie, he’s proclaiming to the entire school, loud and proud, that yes. he is gay. and he’s not going to feel wrong for that anymore. 

i feel like that entire journey is one that can really resonate with a lot of ppl, including myself. so im so fucking happy that this movie included that progression, and ended it with him having such an exuberant amount of confidence. it was honestly really beautiful, and im glad i got to witness it.

simon practicing pickup lines in the mirror

“hey barack its me jacques”

abby trying to teach simon how to flirt

simon googling “how to dress like a gay guy”

simon not having martin’s bullshit and telling him off for how fucked up blackmailing him was from the start, but especially his speech about how important/personal coming out is to ppl and how shitty it was that he took that away from him

MRS ALBRIGHT IN GENERAL BUT ESPECIALLY HER ICONICALLY STICKING UP FOR SIMON IN THE CAFETERIA I STAN HER SO HARD!!

ethan in general, but especially his speech to simon in the office, and super especially the line “one gay’s a snnooze, two’s a hilarious hate crime”

like i seriously appreciate how real this movie is. and it doesnt have lines like this, or plots like the blackmailing/outing just for drama. 

it’s to show that this is how being lgbt can be sometimes, this shit rly happens. and i just rly appreciated seeing all that in a way that didnt even try to pull any punches. it was so clear they seriously cared abt making this an accurate movie, and that meant a lot

GETTING TO SEE TWO BOYS KISSING ON SCREEN MULTIPLE TIMES, AND NOT JUST THAT, BUT GETTING TO SEE THEM GET A HAPPY ENDING!!!!! 

i seriously cried for like 20 minutes starting from when bram showed up at the ferris wheel to well after the credits had ended. 

i cannot even begin to express how fucking incredible it was to get to see two boys kissing, getting cheered on, and getting to be happy.

especially in the scene where simon picks up everyone, and leah moves so bram can get in the front seat and he kisses simon when he gets in. IT WAS SO SWEET.. AND BEAUTIFUL I LOVED/APPRECIATED IT SO MUCH IT MEANT SOOOO FUCKING MUCH TO ME GOSH

my thoughts of the movie can be boiled down to this: im so fucking happy this movie exists. 

im so fucking happy that a movie abt a gay kid learning to be confident in his sexuality, falling in love and getting to have a happy ending with his boyfriend exists.

ive never cried more at a movie than i did at this movie, and ive especially never cried harder out of sheer happiness for a movie. 

knowing that this movie was in theaters, and that gay kids/teens have a movie that lets them know early on that not only is gonna be ok, but they do have a chance at a happy ending, and they deserve it, was so goddamn amazing.

this movie is so, so important. and im so happy that it, and the book its based off of, exist. 

and it’s a prime example of why representation matters so much. it was so fucking amazing to see myself, as a gay person, represented so well, so thoughtfully, so respectfully. 

i just... i love this movie so much. and im so glad it exists. and im so happy i finally got to see it.

i hope it inspires more movies/stories like it to be made. 

i hope that it results in lgbt stories being happy, uplifting stories. 

i hope that it results in lgbt characters getting to be the main characters. 

i hope it results in coming out stories being about the lgbt characters, and not how them coming out affects the cishet characters around them. 

and i hope it results in less tragic endings for lgbt characters, and more happy endings for lgbt characters.

for a long time, a future where we get the stories just mentioned has seemed bleak. but this movie changed that. and im excited for the road i hope it’s started us on.

#long post// #text heavy// #gotta fight the urge to rewatch it a million times now tbh tktjrkjrtj #potentially new fav movie? or at least fav live action movie #aaa im just. i love!! sm!!! bless... #luna watches love simon #homophobia mention//