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#i do not care about this kid
idnek83 · a day ago
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Catch me getting really sad cus for some reason I started thinking about how neither Gundham nor Soda want their own kids, but they both feel super guilty about it cus they assume the other one wants them.
Soda sees how good Gundham is at taking care of animals and how happy it makes him, and just assumes that he would love to have a child to take care of the same way.
Gundham sees Soda making toys for their friends’ kids, and how much fun he has playing games with them and teaching them how to use simple tools properly, and assumes that Soda would love to have a kid of his own to do those things with.
Whenever someone asks them if they want kids they both just laugh and give answers like ‘oh yeah, one day haha’ because they don’t want to upset the other, and it just makes them assume the other wants kids even more cus like ‘oh, he literally just said he wants kids one day...’
Like eventually they actually talk about it and they’re both super relieved to learn that neither of them want kids, but until then they both spend a lot of nights just staying up wondering if they should end things since they think they don’t want the same thing long term... OTL sorry I made myself sad so now you all have to join me
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gayhoehours · 7 days ago
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girl. help
#misc#hnnrng no thoughts head empty#this isnt even a gifted kid burnout thing i just used to be able to make myself focus#and now im like 'but what about chernobyl. what about celocanths. what about the eye structure of a fantasy bird that lived in a cave'#girl HELP no thoughts head empty this is my last lab report for the semester but i dont care about electrochemistry and i dont WANNA#i dont WANNA write the half reactions for each electrode do not MAKE me#no. no thoughts. head scrampled egg#also like i know a good reason i cant focus now and could in high school is cause there i was physically At The High School for the whole...#day. and had nothing better to do that Work On Assignments but now here im sitting in my dorm or at the fountain or in the science building#like- 'ok im doing work but you know what i COULD do. not work. and nobody would yell at me' LIKE#girl help.  like sometimes im great at self regulating and today is NOT ONE OF THOSE DAYS. cannot. focus on things that need to be focused#no thoughts. brain scrampled egg#GOD and i dont even KNOW how i did theatre every night. i think [redacted] just like. trained us all into little Activity machines#theatre was SO MUCH. but we were all like 15 like 'yeah this seems normal and not at all kinda weird of the director to be treating us like'#ok that sounds bad. he didn't like. hes fine. just scary when he yelled and yelled fairly often and got Super Into the production#like this is turning into smth else entirely but MAN. he would like. CONSISTENTLY tell us#lemme think of the exact phrasing cause he always recycled the same few phrases#hed tell us something like 'you're either excellent or you've failed we dont do halfway' like SIR. WE WERE 15#wed have like 4 show nights and before every night hed go 'ok last night was good but it means nothing until the other x number are excellen#he really liked the word excellent i think asdhfkjasdhfdfh#man. if u are in [redacted] theatre department for the full 5 years. u will develop complexes like no other man on earth#being in [redacted] theatre does the opposite of whatever therapy does DFHAKFHSFHS. this is a joke but only barely#BONUS CAUSE THE COSTUME LADY WAS LOOSING HER MARBLES BY MY SENIOR YEAR AND WOULD TELL THE CREW TO DO THINGS#AND THEN GET MAD AT US FOR DOING THEM CAUSE SHE HAD  F O R G O T T E N  SHE'D TOLD US TO DO THEM#ms [redacted] i love u but please. u told me to paint this please do no yell at me miss#askdjfhakjdhfajkdhfakdjf got damn theatre was so damn chaotic. like it was fun but at what cost
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unmoistened · 8 days ago
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?
#do other people constantly have to take inventory of themselves#every fucking day????#i don’t know if this is part of like#adhd#or if this is just how i am?#why am i always running around & my brain won’t shut up about literally everything else#but i have to sit down & ask ‘what the FUCK is my problem’ to realize that i haven’t had food/water in hours#i feel like a little kid again but i’m N O T#i’m not running around building forts from 9am to 6pm all day anymore but i didn’t remember to eat/drink then either#i’m working & writing & exercising & cleaning & organizing & ‘randomly’ getting furious every night at 8pm#🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#if i have to set an alarm to eat & drink water then i’ll do it#....#i just remembered that’s exactly what i have had to do in the past to stay healthy...i remember i had to make charts & analyze my patterns#can i not just DRINK WATER LIKE A HUMAN#i’m thinking...idk. like#when i say i’m annoying i’m not really talking about if i’m annoying other people#i know that i am loved by the people who know me. i don’t like to annoy them but if someone i don’t love says i’m annoying i don’t care#there are a ~couple exceptions~#but like i’m annoying as F U C K to me#i just want to get something right for once & it’s like i won’t let me#i used to get drunk a looooot & it was mostly escapism from trauma / nightmares / all that#but i’m also remembering how fucking badly i needed a break from myself#hm#29
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elainemorisi · 23 days ago
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I’ve now had two of my closest friends say, almost verbatim, “hah, I can’t even imagine you socially anxious”, which is... very strange, but also hey, three cheers for adequate coping mechanisms?
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GUESS WHOS WORKING ON OCTOBER HILLS AGAIN!!!
#my post#October hills#the lore is stored in the tags#SO#IVE DECIDED THE DVS ARE NOT TARGETING GHOSTS#they have nothing to do with ghosts! there just happens to be a lot of dead people in this forest rip. so dvs r actually trying to escape fr#from the dream dimension and cause chaos and bring about the end of the world. not that they really WANT to end the world but. they would.#they are forces of chaos unmatched by anything. comes with being nightmares personified. and the wizards are trying to beat them back into#their little hole and make them go away. it’s mostly just Austin tho. bcus ✨prophecy✨. yeah they recently created a rift and burst through b#but the prophecy is old. like OLD old. but how r mg and gg involved then? I present u with: mg and dd r doing their usual walking in the#woods for no reason as they usually do and come across some dvs. dvs attack them. they happen to be close to rorys car. rory shows up and#kicks the dvs asses and they bond. then mg decided they have to find out wtf a dv is and realize ‘wait that wizard prophecy is REAL?’ and#theyre like ‘fine we can beat up a few dvs if we come across them. they could not have u seen my kids they’re so short and weak. the dvs r n#not their main concern tho. they’re doing ghost shit they don’t care about this.#I still need a name for my demon vampire things so. feel free to help. please. they are nightmares come to life.#OH SHIT HOW DO THE DREAM CREATURES COME INTO THIS. they have to be involved!! dcs live in the woods but sometimes they go into Ck towns#and idk what they do. they’re not like all powerful or anything. ones a narrator. ones a guide. ones a kid. that’s it. ooh I could make#Jasper a dream kid instead of a ghost. he IS from a dream after all. that’d be okay but I feel like I need more than 3 ghosts. do I guess#he stays a ghost. okay I’ll move him tho bcus I’m getting rid of the human summer camp nearby. it’s just stupid. it also allows me to expand#ok Corvid kind towns: they’re just normal towns. but in the woods. they’re mostly secluded bcus they don’t want people to notice that theure#Weird. but like they’re not cut off from the world. they go out. also the reasoning for mg having their own house is that like birds they#kinda kick the young out at a certain age. but since they’re PEOPLE the kids (I say kids 10 yos r not being kicked out it’s at like 16/17)#live in groups. the groups can be family or friends or anyone really. it’s neat#anyways this is the first time I’ve looked at oh in FOREVER#SORRY FOR LEAVING#:D
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starship-suggestion · a month ago
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they really trained me like a fucking dog
#my post#suggestion#what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck#I didn't know hand signals was a thing they used for dog training#never seen it outside of special ed til the video I just watched#they rly did treat me like an animal huh. what the fuck.#hand signals for stop talking sit stay still point your body toward the person youre talking to#as if the watching me when I talked to people and then later telling me how much I fucked up wasn't enough#jfc i think im actually a bit angry about this#I can put up with a lot but being treated like an animal is smth I thought I'd never put up with. and now I'm realizing it *happened*.#how fucked up do you have to be to treat a kid like that and think it's okay. what the hell#wow#w o w#after all that shit i was always like 'well it could have been worse‚ at least they treated me like a human not a pet' HAH#this does make the thing I wrote a while ago make sense#the one where one of my ocs gets called a dog by their abuser and in response they threaten to rip his throat out#i dont have violent revenge fantasies i just project onto my ocs and give them trauma actually worth being violent about#occasionally do have revenge fantasies but they're more like. publicly yelling at her abt how terrible what she did was#and then it inevitably turns into a 'protecting a lil kid from having to go through the sort of shit that i went thru' fantasy#ngl i couldn't care less about the ppl who hurt me. I just want to make the things they did stop being done#protect other kids like me from jt
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kunrengui · a month ago
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pt2
please dni unless youre nixx, this is a pretty sensitive rant for me. tw: loneliness and betrayal and self doubt and insecurities and friends leaving you and me bullying someone and me fat shaming someone and lots and lots of bragging so get out before i hurt you too. 
#im considered pretty acc to the standards here. i think im pretty too. im smart. i have an iq of 129 at the age of 16. which is remarkable.#ive never told anyone from school tho. theyd laugh at me because of the grades i get.#im charming. im disciplined. i listen to my mom without a word. im funny (pretty sure ive lost it tho. havent talked to people my age in so#we have strong political connections. were relatives of the ruling party here in my state. we know the cm.#im of noble birth. pureblood. my grandfather was the founder and co-head of his village. my other grandfather owns like 100's of acres of#land.#idk basically you get the point. ever since i was a kid#most people either stayed away from me or would follow me around. no in between. in 5th when i moved to a school#that didnt care about all this shiet. i met nice people. i had fun. temporary friends tho.#6th grade i had 2 best friends whod treat me like i was beneath them.#there was this one girl in our class who was...big. we'd call her fat many times behind her back. all 3 of us. yet when she found out...they#threw me under the bus. said i was the only one and they were forced to go along with it. and i agreed. i didnt bring up their names. becaus#theyre my bestfriends right? the least i could do was take the blame for them so theyd be happy. the girl left school hating me.#i really really wanted to switch sections. i never told anyone but i requested my teacher to add me to the list o trouble students being#shuffled that year. i wanted to leave that class. i couldnt bear 15 girls looking at me like i was the reason why the girl left the school.#like i was the one at fault. i wanted to escape. thankfully i was put in your section. nixx. i was so happy. i cried on the ptm day.#yes i knew not more than 4 people from your class but new people means new beginnings right. i was happy you let me into your little squad.#you guys looked so happy and so close to each other. i wanted that so bad. the way you had inside jokes and the same sense of humour.#i never found any of yours. aan's. josh's. or shem's jokes to be funny. they were so so lame. but id force myself to laugh with you guys#because why would you want to be friends with someone who wont laugh to the same jokes. that was also the same year i started liking#V (im so sorry taetae pls let me borrow your stage name to refer to him. i dont have any other name that sounds right).#so eventually i told you guys. you thought he was horrible. he was a bully. idk why i liked him. maybe because i was told early on that im#only allowed to marry a pureblood. arranged yes but i ignored that part. ok so he was a pureblood. and he looked kind of okay. better than#most of the other guys i knew. so i had a crush on him. someone told me to confess. confess? it was new but exciting. so i told him one day.#and he walked off. i didnt understand. waited for the end of the day to confront him again. he said we could date. next day said he cant.#eavesdropped on his friends talking to each other. apparently he said no because i was ugly (i was at that time. i didnt have braces and my#teeth were like rabbit teeth. they were big and my messed up the shape of my mouth. also had these white spots on my cheeks cuz of puberty)#he even told me to get braces once. on my face. said 'hey you know you need braces right' and i said yea haha ik ill get them.#then proceeded to go home and beg my parents for braces. yes nixx. this is how i got my braces. my dad was against it. he said i was pretty#just as i am and said no. but i got braces. i pursued him for 4 years. boy rejecting me didnt get into my head. followed him like a dog for
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hauntedmirrormaze · a month ago
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whyyy do I feel like everyone hates me!!!!!
#first of all. i know they dont. thats just how i feel. i cant control how i feel. i know this is irrational.#but this is taking over my mind and i dont know how to fight it. every single day i feel like people are dying to get away from me.#no matter what they say i do not know how to believe people even tolerate me. i feel like a horrible person all the time. i feel soso stupid#i feel like a Huge burden. why do i have to ask for so much? everything feels like my fault. im not happy with anything.#everyday i laugh and enjoy other people's company. but how do i even know that's real? how do i know people care about me?#is that something most people feel? genuinely.... what is that like?#why are people so complicated? why can't people communicate their feelings and let it all out and just Be without being scared of others#how do i become happier with myself? how do i help myself even though i am trapped in what is Literally hell#i am a gay trans kid in the bible belt with a horrible immediate family. i genuinely do not want to exist anymore. and—#every time i say something like that i feel like an Edgy Teen but i have felt like this since i was eight years old#i know for a fact i have. probably longer than that. i hardly remember anything.#why do people say they care about you and then never show it?#in fact! why do they act buddy buddy while also being one of your biggest bullies? THIS APPLIES TO SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE#of course i have amazing friends. i Know there are some people who care about me but it's just not enough and i Hate that#why do i need more?#why am i so. annoying? gross? weird? inconsiderate? attention seeking? ugly?#ugh
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feralphoenix · a month ago
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when ut fandom was collectively like “the blue soul kid is the black one bc black ballerinas/danseurs need more rep” that was pretty cool, but it took a swerve into kinda fuckt when ut fandom was ALSO collectively like “AND the blue soul kid is the mustache twirlingly evil mass murdering one and definitely did a near no mercy run bc their equipment descriptions imply they mightve fought monsters”
not to say that there WERENT people who only went with one or the other, but a contingency sure existed that was like “these are 2 great tastes that taste great together” w/o rly thinking any deeper and im. u guys sure abt that...
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traumacure · a month ago
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in one of those moods where i hate how responsible i am. wish i could just make some terrible impulsive decisions and wreck shit but my better self is always holding me back. i'm sick of it. i want to crash and burn properly but i know i'm just gonna go shower and brush my hair like i planned to because i can't stop caring about the state of this body and mind even if i want to. i'm tired of being good but i lost my ability to give into any other impulse a long time ago.
#i miss being a kid who threw tantrums and chewed out teachers and wrote notes in my own blood and almost got expelled#what happened to the me that could give into my emotions so easily? i can't feel damn thing now even when i want to#i just keep going through the motions of barely taking care of myself each day like i'm on some kind of autopilot#i don't want to do it but i can't stop i just keep living the exact same way doing the exact same things over and over again#i'm starved for a change in routine but i don't have the will power to do anything different than what i always do#i imagine all the terrible decisions i wish i could make while i wash a body i don't care about and feel like goddamn farce the entire time#i want to prove i exist i want to prove i've got a will of my own but i just go through the motions like a damn robot#ugh this isn't making sense is it? it's not that i really want to sabotage myself i just want to prove i can control this body#i don't feel like i'm in control of it#i'm a passenger who wants to hijack the vehicle just to prove i'm real#i want to do it as a proof that these fleeting impulses of mine are real that there's some kind of substance to me#'cause i frankly feel like i've just made myself up and i don't know how to solve that#i'm probably dissociating but who cares who cares who cares! not me#i wanted to feel like i did last year didn't i? didn't i miss these kinds of feelings?#isn't this frustrated confusion exactly what i wanted? hey it's me! it's the me that doesn't want to be this me#the me that could almost swear i'm not me!#vent#⚠️#👤#💙.txt#hellbound
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transtemic · a month ago
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randomly remembered how my dad kicked my cat once and it almost fucked up his eye really bad and i had to put balm on it for like weeks and his eyes are still slightly mismatched because of it </3
#and also how he up and took my cat away to my grandmas house and didnt bring him back </3 WITHOUT TELLING ME BEFOREHAND </3333#like. i understand cats like. genuinely freak him out for whatever reason.#but the deep seated hatred of cats he has and the animal abuse just aren't it luv#like fr? one of the top worse things hes ever done. like its up there w his physical and emotional abuse of my mom and my siblings and of m#just like. dont kick cats????? tf????????? like i can excuse him taking him away even when he was a big emotional support for me#bc i genuinely wasnt the best at taking care of him (since i had to do it entirely by myself as a very depressed 12/13yo)#but if you dont want anything to do with him dont fucking touch him. if he was somewhere he wasnt supposed to still dont fucking kick him??#tho fr since he like. completely justified and rationalised beating his kids to himself. kicking a cat is not gonna be the hardest to do.#god sometimes i think im at an ok place in my relationship w my dad and w my trauma related to him but then boom.#this also speaks to the fact that i have also kinda excused and rationalised and minimised his abuse to myself#like i dont rlly know the full extent of it bc i was a kid and dont remember a lot of it and i prolly never truly will know it#and i have come to terms with it gradually over time through understanding both its effects on me and that my dad is also deeply tramatised#and cycle of abuse and forgiveness yada yada#but i am so deeply enraged every time i think about him hurting my baby. i rationalised it away at the time but looking back. fucking hell.#its also good that he took him away bc hes safe away from my dad now#is what i tell myself bc my grandma has been nothing but loving to me and her cats as far as i remember#but also i now know shes the one who fucked my dad up and heard the shit she put him through so sometimes i do worry but afaik shes changed#and its easier to forgive her for something she didnt do to me directly tho it still indirectly led to my own abuse#........ im getting off track. point is i can excuse past abuse towards me but i draw the line at animal abuse :) gn#ícaro rants#child abuse tw#abuse tw#abuse mention tw#child abuse mention tw#animal abuse mention tw#animal abuse tw#ask to tag#oh yeah also i remembered this bcy friends' cat's eye wasnt doing great??? but shes all better now thankfully <3
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