#i don’t really feel very strongly about everything anymore but sometimes I just need somewhere to express what I’m feeling
weight talk below the cut!!
[insert standard caveat that no one has to lose weight or feel pressure to lose weight, everyone gets to make decisions about their own bodies, and choices I make about my body are not an implicit judgment of anyone else’s choices!]
I’ve been working for three years—literally almost to the day—to slowly lose weight and keep it off through sustainable long-term lifestyle changes. three years ago this week I was at my highest weight I’ve ever been and was having all kinds of health irritations that I thought were just the result of turning 30/getting older (I now think they were the result of an extremely sedentary lifestyle combined with fairly heavy drinking combined with a really bad processed food diet). anyway I won’t rehash everything as I’ve def written at length about it before but I started eating a whole food plant-based diet and trying to consistently get an hour or more of physical activity every day. it’s sometimes felt like sloooow going, esp compared to the short-term results I used to get with crash dieting (where you’d lose a bunch of what was almost certainly just water weight by starving yourself, only to rocket right back up to your starting weight or higher within a couple weeks or months). but I’ve made changes to my diet and lifestyle that now three years later just feel like a rock solid part of how I eat and plan my day, and I feel the benefits of them so strongly (and the negative effects when I’m traveling or out of my routines and can’t do them) that I think they’re just like… permanent now. best of all I feel like I’ve spent the three years negotiating ways to be flexible around food so I don’t feel all those strong bad feelings of guilt/shame or deprivation that used to characterize my entire relationship with eating. I can make a cake and eat it without feeling like I have to atone for it afterwards. I can be adaptable when I’m traveling while feeling confident that I’ll be able to reestablish healthy routines once the temporary disruption is over. I can calmly regulate my own emotions around food and make good decisions that will make my body feel good too. and even though losing weight happens really slowly, I track it pretty carefully and that helps me see that 1) it’s a steady downward trend and 2) my weight fluctuates significantly less than it used to, which I think means that I’m basically very slowly lowering my ‘resting weight’ (ie the equilibrium weight my body hovers around even as I fluctuate a couple pounds in either direction throughout my cycle). and that is very cool to see!
May 2020: 199 lbs
May 2021: 183 lbs
May 2022: 175 lbs
May(ish) 2023: 169 lbs
I could probably ‘lose faster’ if I restricted calories more, but I don’t want to! a lot of the research says people can lose up to 1-2 lbs a week for sustainable weight loss but that just hasn’t been my personal experience—if I lose too fast by restricting too much, it comes back and the temporary loss doesn’t seem to shift that resting weight baseline for me at all. whereas losing at this rate (less than a pound per month, but with a slooooow steady downward trend) seems to give my body time to readjust and accept the slightly lower weight as its new normal. this is totally unscientific and purely just personal opinion lol but I feel like, we know that the body doesn’t like change and is always trying to reestablish and maintain homeostasis… so in my mind it’s like well if I bring the weight down so, so gradually maybe my body doesn’t really register it as a change it needs to adjust for. anyway I don’t really care about why it works but it’s working for me.
I don’t really set goals around weight loss anymore (or I’m trying not to) because I don’t want to view it as like, a competition with myself that has a clear end goal, but I think bringing my resting weight to somewhere in the 150-160 range would be ideal for me… I have that sturdy Italian + Irish peasant stock build lol I’m not meant to be waif thin nor do I aspire to be. but 150-155ish is a weight I’ve felt very good/healthy at before and in the longer term (like 1-3 years) it’s the place I’d like to get to. I feel like sustainably losing 50 lbs and making lifestyle changes to keep it off is actually a huge fucking deal and if it takes me six years or so to do it that feels kinda right to me… like of course doing a complete and enduring overhaul of your attitudes and habits/routines around food and physical activity is going to take a long time to really firmly and permanently establish. like it took what, 26+ years to establish pretty fucked up and unhealthy routines/mindsets around food and exercise? so in the grand scheme of things six-ish years is actually really fast. also I am just kind of into the slowness of it all as a concept—like, proving to myself I can conceive of and implement a very long-term transformation of this huge area of my life/identity. I like the idea that you can change any aspect of your habits or attitudes once they are no longer serving you well. it’ll take time and patience to do it but you CAN do it.
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Missing people is dumb and I would like to not do this
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youreyeslookliketheocean’s DSMP Fic Recs!!
Figured it was about time for one of these... :)
Mostly SBI-centric because they’re my favorite dynamic. I’ll probably add to this list as time goes on, and I also want to go back through my ao3 history and find some lesser-known fics I really enjoyed to rec them all. But for now...
* oneshot ** unfinished work
** the lights go out (my heart goes still) by curseworm
With his old home unwelcoming and his new one gone, Tommy is alone. After hours of staggering through the freezing snow, he finds a cabin.
Technoblade’s cabin.
He hides himself away in the deepest corner he can find, taking only what he needs to survive, wasting away in the cold and the dark. He’s petrified at the thought of being found out, terrified of what he thinks Techno would do to him.
When Techno finds his injured teenage brother huddled in a filthy little cave beneath his basement, the rage he feels is immeasurable. The voices demand blood, and blood he will give them. Dream won’t be getting away with this one.
(On the other side of the world, in a country that floats on a man-made lake, Philza gets himself in a bit of a pickle.)
** The hearth down under by Crystalquill
A tiny change gives Tommy the courage to flee to the Nether instead of the cold tundra, finding an unlikely ally in the midst of a fiery hellscape.
But tiny changes can alter the course of history. The SMP will never be the same.
(Lots of cool Nether worldbuilding in this one!!)
to be a wanderer, wandering by hydrangeasheart
Tommy's feet drag in the snow.
It's so, so cold. He's so cold. His toes are freezing. His exposed shins feel like they’ve been cut open-- even the one that’s bandaged. His wings have gone numb, which is almost, almost good, because now he can’t feel the shifting, broken bones inside of the left one, just under feathers and muscle.
He doesn’t know why he’s still walking.
-
Or, Tommy leaves the exploded ruins of Logstedshire behind, and walks until he finds somewhere safe.
And things keep going from there.
(A canon-divergent AU, splitting off somewhere around when Tommy started hiding out below Techno's house.)
that’s, like, a hundred miles by No_one_you_know (and then “as long as i’m here”, and “he’s my brother, i just raise him”)
Dream would kill him. Dream was going to kill him- he was going to- no, he wouldn’t. Dream was his friend- friends don’t hit each other- Dream was supposed to take care of him- Dream /was/ taking care of him.
It hurt to breathe. It hurt to think. He couldn’t clear his thoughts as he stumbled to the family computer, pulling up a tab on google and frantically typing the name into the search bar.
The words Technoblade Watson stared back at him, the little black bar at the end of the letters blinking slowly, mocking him.
Why, of all people, did it have to be Technoblade?
in short: the one where dream sucks as a parental figure, tommy runs away, and visits his least favorite family member technoblade.
passerine by thcscus(blujamas)
Do I really need to put the summary here? Pretty much everyone knows this fic. Also, though, if you enjoy this one you should totally read thcscus’ connected fic, “shrike”!! It’s only at 2 chapters right now but it’s already really good and has this dark, foresty aesthetic I love...
not with a bang but with a whimper by dip_dyed_ghost
He knows Tubbo doesn’t care about him anymore. He knows that. He’s been shown that. But it doesn’t stop Tommy from caring about him. He brushes the pads of his fingers over the compass’s glass and wonders how he’s doing, if he’s tired of it all yet, if he needs help. He watches the way it points strongly in the direction over the ocean. He hopes he’s alright.
Even after everything, he hopes he’s alright.
During his exile, Tommy finds a drugged and hurt Tubbo on his doorstep. He can’t not help him.
(This one has a neat take on potions, in my opinion. Also it’s only 4 chapters so it’s a quick read!)
take this compass, follow it home by lightning_anon
Tommy's a fuck up, he can't pay attention, and never sits still. He taps his hands, pushes people away, and has never had a best friend. He's a screwed up, forgotten kid lost in the foster system. He's also just been placed with a new family. Tommy knows how this goes, he never ends up staying long. After all, no one wants a fuck up like him.
Why would this house be any different?
Or: the obligatory sleepy bois foster fic, but with a focus on the neurodivergent kids that inevitably get lost in the system.
(Genuinely want to see more books like this in original fiction. It’s part of what inspired my newest og wip, “To Build a Home.” So sweet and I feel like I had my eyes opened to some neurodivergent tendencies I never knew existed. I read this in a day and can’t rec it enough.)
bloodlines by youreyeslookliketheocean
Tommy’s an orphan on the run from his previous guardian.
Philza’s a king who prides himself on keeping his kingdom in an era of peace.
Wilbur’s the crown prince, and Techno’s right beside him as his adopted brother.
When Phil’s kingdom of Pogtopia is threatened by the bloodvines—a strange, brainwashing plant infecting many of the surrounding kingdoms—the four must work together to keep the kingdom, and their family, safe.
---
A royal au sbi fic... + the bloodvines, for spice.
(Yes I’m self-promoting. But, in my defense, I’m very proud of it. If you checked it out it would mean the world to me :’))
Heat Waves by tbhyourelame
Dream has always held a gentle admiration for George, but when their nuanced friendship trickles into his sleeping mind, he awakens to a new world of conflicting emotions and longing. Lost in the midst of a heat wave, he continuously listens to a song that works itself in to the very core of his heartache. Floridian nights, unsent messages, spiraling infatuation, and terrible, terrible weather.
Another fic I think pretty much everyone knows about. Listen, listen... I was once an idiot who said “Oh no, I’ll never read Heat Waves. It’s irl, not characters, and it’s probably cringe”... No. I was so wrong. This fic is wonderfully written, with a pretty quick moving plot and great characterizations. You do need an ao3 account to access it, though. Just to let you know. (Also read “Helium”, unfinished and hasn’t updated in awhile, but it’s the continuation).
Guitar Strings and Keyrings are What it Takes to Build a Home by Anonymous
Techno was adopted by Phil when he was 12 years old.
He'd been enjoying his morning before Phil came to him asking if he would mind them taking in another kid. Against his better judgement, Techno agrees and ends up with two new foster brothers who he was determined to not get attached to, no matter what.
Tommyinnit’s unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death by eneliii
“I uh,” Tommy starts, not knowing how to break this to the hero lightly. He hates to be the bearer of bad news. “I think your powers are broken? It’s not a bad thing of course, but like, I swear you tried to mind control me and it like, totally failed. Which is fine, honestly, don’t feel insecure. Everyone’s power stop working sometimes… I think.”
Sheesh, this is very awkward. Why is no one else talking? Why is Philza looking at him like he grew three heads? Why is the Blade staring at him so intensely? Why is Willow still frozen?
“Did I, did I hit a nerve? Yikes,” Tommy hisses, “Well um,” He steps back, bracing his legs and bending his knees, “This was like super fun, but I’m - I’mma head out.”
or,
in which Tommy manages to annoy the hell out of Phil, Techno and Wilbur by being both impossible to catch and irritatingly endearing.
or or,
a crack fic where Tommy is a vigilante and Phil, Techno and Wilbur are the heroes hunting him down.
(Feel like I am obligated to say how incredibly funny this fic is. Seriously. I have a distinct memory of sitting on my neighborhood park’s swing, giggling hysterically, while reading this. Well...until the end... but we won’t get into that...)
** bones in the ocean by bunflower
“Your reputation precedes you, y’know.”
“Does it, now?” Philza watches him coyly from where he’s now leaning against the wall, arms folded around his chains and gaze half-lidded, his lips curled in an arrogant, cat-like smirk.
“The Angel of Death, the ferryman of the Styx, the terror of the western seas. One of the most feared captains ever to sail, and yet, I have to wonder… how did a man like you end up all on his own? We searched the area where you were found—not another soul in sight. So,” He fixes him with a long look, allowing the silence to hover like a dark cloud, the words rolling off of his tongue with all the venom and smugness he can muster, “—tell me, Philza. Where is your crew?”
OR: Technoblade is a naval captain, and Phil his unwilling prisoner. Somehow, they manage to come out of it as friends in the end.
(Is this fic considered popular like passerine/Heat Waves now? Cause I feel like it’s reputation precedes itself, at this point... Pirate au.)
****
Okay! That’s it for now. Like I said, though, I want to add to this over time and also dig back for some older things I’ve read. Also, if you have any recs feel free to send them in! I’m about to go back to school and therefore might not have time for reading fun stuff, but whenever I get the chance I’d love to check them out!!!
Happy Reading!!
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Da Capo
Dialogue Prompt 16- " because I love you, is that what you wanted to hear " requested by @sunflowerishdolphin ( your last remaining request ) | TW- NONE |
Da Capo-(Italian: from the beginning); at the end of a piece of music or a section of it, means that it should be played or sung again from the beginning.
He shut the door behind him, locking immediately, putting those grocery bags on the counter and turned on the voice Machine , picking up the mails from the corner table reading who addressed them as he simultaneously heard the voice messages like his usual evening, a routine that had became a practice.
" you have 2 new messages "
" hey harry, this is Clint. Send me those pictures via e-mail, could you ? Call me when you get back "
Harry subconsciously nodded as he read the next mail addressed from the burrow.
" harry "
He stopped dead in his movements as he stared at the tiles on the floor, hearing that very familiar voice.
" I- I know I should not- you know- never mind. Uh, call me or not, whatever. Just- how do you end this-" the voice message echoed with rustling until it ended with a beep and harry couldn't bring himself to stop the beeping.
When one of the apple fell down over the ground creating a thud, harry broke free from his locked moment of strangeness and shut off the beep. He stared at the number long enough to remember his past, the horrors, the pain, the anguish, the agony of it all but he couldn't resist himself from Noting down the number on the notepad and just staring at it.
He had called, 1 year and 6 months later, he had called.
Harry left the notepad like it had been resting on the counter and went out to the garden to water his plants and get some peace from the quick Sand of the emotions that had started overwhelming in the presence of the noted down number. But it didn't help the rail of his thoughts that resulted in overflowing of the pots.
The evening had turned into a chilly night yet without a care he kept staring at the TV screen blankly, finding it hard to forget that voice message. That familiarity in the voice had almost Haunted harry every night in dreams and that un-advanced way of not knowing still how to end a voice message made harry smile if only for a moment but he was strongly reminded of how had things ended, in fights, In rush, in sadness, in heart break.
He wanted to call back and ask him why had he called, he even stood before the phone, dialing almost the entire number but could never gather the entire courage to actually call him back. How could he ? After everything that had happened, how could he?
It had been almost 1 and half year since harry moved to a small town in Paris living in a muggle suburb and still learning French but he had sat in his balcony drowning in rain, yet he never felt at home. He never wanted to leave Britain, London but what choice did he had but to leave everything behind and start new, a fresh start and yet all he felt was moving backwards. He loved it here, the neighborhood, the children on the streets, the grocery man, Adrian's little shop around the corner yet the smell of the Rain, the smell of laundry, the Blooming garden, the sunlight, nothing felt the same, not like how it was when he was with him. Nothing ever felt the same anymore .
Somewhere around blankly staring at the TV, the screen had Turned grey with no more left to watch when harry forcibly picked himself up and put himself to bed, relentlessly tossing and turning until sleep had returned to him like previous night's.
You can't stop thinking about me .
That's not true.
Do you really think so? Then why am I here ?
You tell me.
He sighed, his voice flourishing and sounding like the softest of breeze, you can feel it too, can't you, you know I will be there with you..
I can't feel anything. A pause.
You're coming?
Do you want me to ?
Harry tossed one last time, slowly opening his eyes in the silence of the night and the street light outside flickering with yellow and black. He sighed to himself as he sat right up and followed the line of sight to where the phone was kept.
" hi, draco, hi- uh, you called. I- didn't know about it- just got your message- I wanted to check what you called for so leave me a message or call me in the mor-"
" harry?"
Harry stilled with the phone pressed against his ear, his breathing sounding very clear like he had held the phone very close to himself as if holding it too close would make the conversation more real.
He stared at his feets on the ground comprehending how to respond, he had not expected draco to pick up-
" harry, you there ?"
" yeah, yeah. Uh sorry- I just- " he breathed " isn't it late ?"
" sort of yeah. I just- I came from a run "
" this late at night ?"
" yeah " he breathed.
Harry breathed.
" you called earlier ?"
" yeah " a long pause before he released a rolling breath and spoke again " I'm visiting Paris and I- I know you're there, so I was just wondering if you'd like to meet sometime if you're free of course ?"
Harry's fingers coiled to the telephone loop, a little smile forming over his lips as he whispered " Sure. When ?"
" this weekend "
" I'll pick you up ?"
" that'd be- nice " he breathed.
" okay "
" okay "
They breathed.
" I'll send the details via mail " he added
" okay "
And they finally cut the call but all harry did was stare at his feets on the ground crossed together as if it offered any peace.
_______________________________
The sun had rose like usual with the birds chirping just outside Harry's balcony, the usual ringing of his alarm clock went unnoticed as harry stepped out of the long shower. He padded across the room water dripping down his neck due to his washed hair, finally shutting off the Alarm. He stared at the watch as minutes stroke by, his mind lost in the moving of the minute hands until a shiver has ran down his spine and he dropped the clock on the bed and fetched the shirt and the pants he has decided to worn a day before. The same blue flowy shirt and the same Khaki pants.
Anxiety was not a surprise visitor anymore as harry fidgeted wearing his watch over his rest and tying his shoe laces that at some point, harry left them be thinking that if he'd fall, he'd fall. He ran all around the apartment going from one room to another to living room because his things were scattered all across until finally the clock stroke 12 and harry left the apartment in his second hand ford from 1985.
Harry leaned against his car in front of the France ministry of magic building waiting for draco to come with sun bouncing over his soft brunette hair, checking his watch every minute or two.
And there he was, the same boy walking through the door carrying 2 bags in a soft cotton red faded shirt and washed blue jeans.
" waited for long ?"he asked awkwardly.
Harry shook his head as he took his bags and dropped them in back seat.
" I- harry- I just wanted to ask something "
Harry frowned but nodded as he opened the car door for draco.
" this isn't awkward, is it ?"
Harry huffed out a breath, glancing behind draco for a moment. Was it awkward,of course but he Wanted to settle through the awkwardness and not be like one of those people who can't visit their ex.
" it is a bit but we'll settle in. After all we're friends, right ?"
Draco chuckled softly before he nodded " we can be "
Harry smiled before he stepped away and let draco take the passenger seat and settled into his driver's seat as well.
" Hungry ?" Harry asked as the ignition roared.
Draco nodded " very "
" I know just the place " harry smiled putting on his sunglasses and drove to exactly where he needed to.
________________________________
Things remained a bit awkward with draco as harry adjusted to all new information and forgot thinking of draco as an ex he scrambled away from and reminded himself more to treat him like the way he used to before the relationship happened.
But despite that the wicked angels that remained on Harry's shoulder reminded him to be careful this time and even if he harry heard them, he ignored as he served draco the croissant he has freshly picked up from the bakery around the corner.
" what about the eiffel tower ?" Draco asked as he sipped his lemon tea, taking the plate of croissant away from harry.
" it's overrated but worth it. It's better in the evening, I'll take you there " harry replied as he ate his own.
" oh shit- I forgot. I had to be at work 15 minutes ago. I'll see you later yeah " draco hurried with his baked food and picked up his bag he has came with and disapparated from within the apartment.
Harry collapsed down on the chair thinking to himself what was he doing. How could he just forget everything and move on and pretend like nothing happened like he had been doing for days. He hated the pretending, the " I'm doing fine without you " act or we're better as friends act, he hated it but as draco would come from the hotel every afternoon and sometimes stay by till the evening, harry would allow himself to relish in those moments and let be.
"the real question is do you really want to be friends or not ?" Jade asks as she dressed the mannequin with new shirt introduced in this work fashion line.
" i- i don't know jade. Do I want to forget everything and move forward, yes but I can't just look at him pretend we don't have a past " harry kicked the ground as he was leaned against the wall in the cubicle with jade and the white mannequin for display.
" Harry, the past is the past. It doesn't matter anymore. And you know the whole thing about ex's can't be friends,it's shit, I'm friends with my first boyfriend " jade replied with the pin between her lips as he tucked the buttons together.
" your first boyfriend is gay now. You're not helping jade-"
" look harry. Is it worth it ? Is it worth spending time with him? Is it worth meeting him again everyday ? Is it worth being friends with him again ? Those are the real questions " She asked with her head titled for emphasis, her hands in the air waiting for his response.
Harry sighed closing his eyes, opening them again and spoke " I think. He's changed a lot and he's different now"
" well there you go and you know what, even if you don't want to be friends or anything, he's just visiting. He's not going to stay here forever you know and you barely visit home, so friends or no friends, it won't matter much" jade shrugged as she put the mannequin the hat and stretched her neck backwards to check the entire look before nodding to herself and stepping out of the cubicle, harry following him.
" I guess you're right " harry mumbled. Jade nodded and they departed to their response departments of work.
When the evening arrived he met draco Outside his work building and strolled off to where they could disapparate from without being noticed.
" it's a beautiful place " draco suddenly said as they were walking down the streets.
" it is " harry hummed nodding, pocketing his hand.
" don't you ever-" Breath " like miss home ? Everyone else?" He asked
Harry thought for a moment before he replied with all he could think of " it's a part of starting fresh. I miss people back home but I love it here too, everyone's nice "
" but doesn't it ever get lonely ?" Draco asked as he now walked right by Harry's side.
" sometimes but other times I just forget " harry shrugged looking forward before crossing the road.
" forget what ?" Draco asked as he ran to maintain his pace with harry.
" forget that I'm lonely. The best way to not get lonely is just not to think of being lonely " harry shrugged as he for a moment looked at Draco before he entered the dark Empty alley.
" is it easy ?" Draco asked as he stood before harry taking his hand for side along disapparation.
Harry gazed at draco, allowing the free sensation of holding his hand making him feel closer to home before he took a step forward towards draco.
" no "
And disapparated.
Part 2 & 3
might turn into a series fiction. @drarrywords thanks for beta reading this..
300 followers appreciate dialogue Prompt requests open
Angst prompt requests open
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like I was already brave enough to let go
7.2k || Chapter 1/2 || ao3
Enzo understands that leaving New York in the wake of everything is what's best for TK, but that doesn't make it any easier. Watching his stepson pack up all his broken pieces and move across the country hurts him in ways he can't describe, mostly due to the knowledge that there will be a distance between them that has never existed before. So he takes the time to check-in, to keep track of TK. To be there for him, no matter what.
He's just starting to wish that he had picked somewhere other than Austin, because he is quickly discovering he is not built for this level of stress.
After reading @futures-tense’s Enzo fic (that everyone should read, it is phenomenal) I couldn’t get thoughts of him and his relationship with TK out of my head, so naturally I wrote this. It fits into canon evetns and this is only chapter 1 of 2, because while I so have an outline for season 2 events, this was getting long so I figured I’d at least post what I had.
Massive thanks to @silvarafael and @justaswampdemon for all their help and support with this, you’re both the best!
-----------------
He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting when TK opened his apartment door, but the sad shell of the boy Enzo had come to love as his own wasn’t it.
Or maybe it was, but it hurt all the same.
“Hey kid,” he said softly, stepping carefully around him and into the apartment. He looked around the small space, taking in all the boxes haphazardly labeled and partially packed. “So, it’s true. Your mom told me but I don’t think I believed her. Never thought I’d see the day TK Strand willingly left New York for Texas, of all places.”
“Who says it’s willingly,” he said dully as he shut the door behind Enzo.
Enzo turned and studied him more closely, taking in the downturned eyes and anxious fingers thumbing the seam of his hoodie pocket, “Do you not want to go? Because you can stay here. I’ll talk to your mom, you can stay with us if you…”
But TK cut him off with a shake of his head, “No,” he said, “I think I need to do this. Dad’s right, I need a fresh start. I can’t...I don’t think I can be here anymore. When I think of staying here, I don’t see a way forward. I think if I stayed here I’d…” he trailed off, but Enzo felt a chill rush through him at the implication of what TK hadn’t said. He tried to meet his eyes but TK looked away, casting his gaze downward and away from Enzo’s sympathetic eyes.
It hurt him more than he could say to see TK like this. For all his struggles he had always been a happy kid. He had always been someone who found the joy in life where he could and he had always worn his emotions on his sleeve, for better or worse. Seeing him like this and knowing what had happened hurt Enzo in ways he couldn’t fully describe because he didn’t know the right words. All he knew for sure is that this was not the TK he had known and loved for 16 years standing before him. This was a stranger; someone he had only seen once before during a time he had hoped to never revisit.
He hadn’t asked what happened because he knew enough and he wasn’t about to make the kid revisit it just so he could fill in some blanks. He might not know everything but he knew enough to feel hot anger course through him at the thought of someone breaking that too big heart of his. TK had always been someone who loved fully and completely, and to see that thrown back in his face so spectacularly made Enzo—a typically steady and calm man — strongly consider homicide.
He had every confidence that Gwyn could get him out of any charges too, but he pushed that thought aside to focus on the scene before him.
“This isn’t your fault, TK.”
TK turned away from him, absently picking up some books from the table and dropping them into one of the boxes. “I know I didn’t make Alex cheat,” he says eventually, “but the rest of it? That is completely on me Enzo, no one else.”
He could sense that the kid had more to say so he let him go, watching from the doorway as he listlessly picked up other odds and ends from around his apartment, tossing them into boxes without any real care as to what the labels on the side said. He knew TK would speak up when he was ready and it was only a few more minutes before he did.
“Eight years,” he finally said, his rough voice breaking the silence of the half-packed apartment. “Eight fucking years of sobriety, all gone. And that’s all on me. It doesn’t matter what Alex did, I’m the one who made the choice. I am the one who let him have that power over me and…” he broke off, meeting Enzo’s eyes for a moment before looking away and swallowing. “I do need to leave,” he said eventually. “I don’t trust myself to stay here anymore. I don’t know if I’d survive it.”
Enzo could feel his heart breaking for the kid. He wasn’t a kid anymore — now 26 and an adult — but in Enzo’s eyes sometimes he was still the 10-year-old who met his eyes shyly when Gwyn first introduced them, the 14-year-old who had admitted to him in a terrified whisper that he thought he might like boys, the 19-year-old who had come to him because he wanted to enroll in the fire academy and didn’t know how his mother would take it. The feeling he had now was just like the feelings he had had then. This overwhelming love and desire to protect him from everything bad in the world; from anyone that ever told him he wasn’t enough.
And just like he had then, he stepped forward, closing the space between them to pull him into a hug. He held him close, pressing his face into his chest and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “You’re making the smart choice then,” he said evenly. “And, as much as I’ll miss you, I’m proud of you for doing what you have to do. You’ve beat this once and you’ll beat it again, I have no doubt about that.”
He knew he wasn’t imagining it when the body in his arms sagged in relief. It made him clutch him that much tighter as he spoke again, hoping what he was about to say was a given but needing to say it anyway: “And I will always be here for you, no matter where you live. I’m always just a phone call away, you know that, right?”
TK’s voice was muffled by the material of Enzo’s sweater, but he could still hear the tears in it clear as day, “I do.”
“Good,” Enzo replied firmly, releasing his grip on TK and stepping back so he could meet his eyes. “Because I will be calling to check-in, that is a promise.”
---------------
Watching him leave was bittersweet, but he believed TK when he said it was something he needed to do. He took some solace in the fact that he wouldn’t be alone. Enzo and Owen Strand may have had their differences over the years (many, many differences) but if there was one thing Enzo had never doubted it was the other man’s love for his son. He knew that TK was in good hands, but that didn’t make it any easier.
He got confirmation they had arrived in Austin in the form of a text that included a picture of a shop selling cowboy hats that simply said, “turns out people actually do where these here. Yes, it looks as ridiculous as it sounds.” It is followed by another two days later that noted the crimes Texas has committed against pizza and though Enzo was still filled with worry, he allowed himself to smile and take it as a sign that he was healing, be it ever so slightly.
He gave it almost a week before he called. He wanted to hear TK’s voice; to have proof that he really was okay, but he also wanted to give him time. His patience was helped by the fact that Gwyn had spoken to her son but eventually, he decided that he needed to hear from him himself.
TK answered by the third ring, sounding out of breath. He greeted him warmly, and Enzo could hear the commotion of construction in the background. He raised an eyebrow, “What, did you decide to leave the fire department and become a contractor when I wasn’t looking?”
This pulled a laugh out of TK and Enzo took a moment to savor the familiar sound. It felt like far too long since he’s last heard it.
“No. Dad decided we should re-do the firehouse, to give everyone a fresh start. I figured I might as well help out. Besides,” he added with a shrug Enzo could almost hear, “demolition is the far healthier method of coping with feelings, right?”
“When done with permission,” Enzo quipped in response. “How are you doing kid, has the pizza chased you away yet?”
TK scoffed, “No, but it was a close thing. Honestly, I really haven’t had that much time to dwell. I’ve been helping with the demo and construction, as well as the candidate interviews and paperwork. I haven’t really taken too much time to think about anything.”
TK said it matter of factly and Enzo almost moved past it. But he knew TK better than most. “You don’t have to punish yourself, kid,” he told him gently. “All you need to do is heal.”
“I’m not punishing myself,” TK objected, “I’m just...trying to keep busy. To distract myself.”
TK might very well think that, but Enzo was pretty sure it wasn’t true. But he was willing to move past it, for now.
“Tell me about the new crew,” he said instead, and smiled as TK launched into stories about a daredevil from Miami and a possible psychic from Chicago. He seemed enthusiastic and Enzo didn’t realize how good it felt to hear that until he had. It was like there was a little bit of life back in his voice and though he knew TK still had a long way to go to make this better, he was relieved to see that he was at least on the way.
------------
For a while, everything seemed to be going great. TK called and texted him from time to time, sharing anecdotes from calls and his new crew, and each time Enzo thinks he can hear just a little bit more of his old self returning to his voice. Sure he complains about one of them, for a while, but that too seems to sort itself out.
He could tell there is someone new in his life too, even if TK is hedgy about it at best. But Enzo was the first one to know that TK was gay at 14; he knew how to spot the signs.
“Why won’t you tell me about him?” he asked him one day, voice light and teasing as he stuffed his papers into his bag. “Is there something horribly wrong with him?”
“No,” TK countered emphatically, “there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely nothing,” he added, almost an unconscious mutter Enzo was not entirely sure he was supposed to hear.
“So if there is ‘absolutely nothing’ wrong with him, why aren't you going for it?”
There was silence on the other end as Enzo slid his bag onto his shoulder, patiently waiting the younger man out.
“You know why,” he eventually said, voice low and sad. Enzo grimaced at how pained his voice sounded and he dropped back into his desk chair with a sigh.
“TK…” he began, but the younger man cut him off firmly.
“No, Enzo. I...I thought I could. I thought we could have something casual and that I could handle it. But then he wanted more and I hurt him. I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too good to get dragged into my shitshow.”
“Have you asked him what he wants?” Enzo asked gently.
The bark of laughter TK gave at that was sharp and harsh, “Yeah, that should go well. Definitely won’t lead to me having to explain to this guy I’ve hooked up with a handful of times all the ways I’m fucked up right now.”
Enzo sighed again, leaning back in his chair, “It won’t always be like this, T. Someday you will be ready to try again, but only if you let yourself consider the possibility. Can you at least promise me that?”
There was silence for a long stretch and Enzo was about to ask him again when TK’s voice finally responded quietly, “Yes.”
“Good,” Enzo responded firmly, “because no matter what happened, you still deserve happiness. And someday you’ll be ready to let it in again — maybe sooner than you think.”
The sound of acknowledgment TK made sounded skeptical at best, but Enzo would take it. He knew he was right and he knew that someday TK would realize it too. Maybe even sooner than he thought.
------------
It’s about a week later when Enzo’s phone rings, nearly making him jump as he is pulled abruptly from his stack of midterms. It took him a few moments of shuffling blue books to even locate his phone and when he did he frowned at both the time and the name displayed on the screen.
“Hey kid,” he said lightly as he answered the phone, “what’s up?”
He had hoped he was overreacting, that TK was just calling him late because he was on shift and had lost track of the time. He had hoped that maybe the universe was finally giving the kid a break.
The despair and fear so clear in TK’s voice quickly prove him wrong.
“Hey Enzo,” he said softly, “fuck, I know it’s late and I’m sorry to bother you, but I just really needed to talk to someone.”
“You are never a bother,” Enzo told him firmly, capping his pen and setting it down on his desk. “What’s wrong?”
“I…” TK began before stopping, taking a deep breath and trying again, “I don’t know for sure yet, but I know something is.”
And Enzo believed him. The fear in his voice is so raw Enzo could feel every ounce of it even from a timezone away. “I’m going to need more than that, kid,” he told him gently, leaning back in his chair as he waited TK out.
“I found something,” TK said eventually, “that I definitely wasn’t supposed to find. And it means something awful. Something I don’t know if I can handle. But it also means he doesn’t trust me,” TK continued, “and somehow that almost feels worse.”
Enzo frowned, pondering all the non-specific details in his mind. He didn’t know all that much about his stepson’s life in Austin, but he knew enough to know that while he was close to his new crew, he wasn’t close enough to be this upset by an omission from one of them. That left him with two possibilities: the mysterious man he was not seeing, or Owen.
And Enzo knew which option was more likely and it made his heart sink. TK might not be sharing but Ezno knew both the Strand men better than most. If there was something Owen felt strongly enough to keep from his son that TK was this upset about, it wasn’t good news.
“You don’t have to tell me what it is,” he said cautiously, “but is it something about your dad?”
There was a deep, shuddering breath before TK responded, “Yeah.”
And Enzo shut his eyes, the hurt and fear in TK’s voice telling him all he needed to know.
“I don’t know what this is about,” he said eventually, “and you don’t have to tell me. But I do know you, and I know whatever it is you are going to want to be there for him, because that’s who you are. Let him know that, and the rest will follow from there.”
There was silence again, but Enzo waited TK out. He was familiar with this rhythm; when something was bothering TK he often took his time to make sure he had the words right before he spoke. Over the years Enzo had learned to wait him out knowing that he would get to his point when he was ready.
He did a few moments later, “I do want to be there for him,” TK agreed, “I just know why he didn’t tell me. He doesn’t think I can handle it — and he’s right,” TK confessed softly, “I don’t know if I can.”
“You can,” Ezno assured him firmly, “you can do anything you set your mind to. You always have.”
He let his words sink in for a moment before he added, “And I would talk to your dad before you make any assumptions. Let him know he can rely on you, let him know you want to be there.”
“You make it sound so easy,” TK said dryly, and Enzo huffed a laugh.
“In a way it is. It’s just words. It’s the actions behind them that are hard.”
There was silence again before TK spoke, his voice so quiet Enzo almost missed his next words, “I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared,” Enzo reminded him, “sometimes fear is the appropriate response.”
But even as he said it, he could feel his heart breaking. He didn’t know what was going on and while he was sure he would find out soon enough, he couldn’t help but hate whatever it was. TK deserved some time to find himself, to heal and simply exist. He didn’t understand why the universe kept throwing such curveballs at him, but he wished with every fiber of his being it would stop.
“Sometimes it is,” TK agreed in a tone that made Enzo wonder even more what this was all about. But he didn’t ask; TK would tell him when he was ready. For now he would just be here for him. Sometimes that was all he could do.
--------------
As much as Enzo couldn’t help but worry about the younger man, sometimes the updates were a sign that things were getting better for him, slowly but surely.
One such time came as he and Gwyn were sitting on the couch together, Enzo making a case for watching Jeopardy with Gwyn adamantly refusing.
“No,” she said again with a firm shake of her head, “it always ends the same way.”
He shrugged, “I can’t help that you’re too competitive, or that I’m better at it then you are,” he added, giving her a sly grin.
“We can’t all have PhDs in history,” she said wryly, “some of us need to work for a living.”
He opened his mouth to fire back a retort but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. “Saved by the bell,” he said instead with a shake of his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He frowned when he saw the familiar name on the screen and turned it so Gwyn could see.
“Hey T,” he said cautiously as he answered, “everything good?”
There was a lot of noise in the background but he could hear TK’s voice clearly as he answered, “Yeah, I just had a question for you. These people don’t believe me so I need your cred as a Columbia history professor to back me up.”
Enzo raised an eyebrow at Gwyn, who had leaned closer to hear. She bit her lip against a laugh and he shook his head fondly, “I’ll do what I can. What’s the question?”
“Hang on,” TK said, “I’m going to put you on speaker.” There was the sound of fumbling before the background noise grew louder and TK’s voice returned. “Okay guys,” he was saying, “this is my stepdad Enzo. He’s a history professor at Columbia and if you don’t believe me maybe you’ll believe him. You want to ask him the question, Paul?”
“Man, you didn’t need to…”
“No, this is a point of pride now.” TK objected indignantly and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to see that she had fully pressed a hand against her mouth to stop any laughter from slipping out and giving away her eavesdropping. “Ask him,” TK prompted and there was a sigh before a new voice joined the conversation.
“Sir, we are so sorry to bother you. TK’s just being a sore loser.”
“Paul, right?” Enzo asked and got a sound of confirmation in return, “You don’t have to tell me that, I helped raise him.” There was an indignant noise in the background, likely from TK, but Enzo ignored it. “What’s the question?”
“Who invented the first movie camera?”
“Louis Le Prince,” Enzo replied without hesitation, unable to suppress a chuckle at the sound of TK’s triumphant ha! In the background. “You guys thought it was Edison, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah,” Paul admitted sheepishly and Enzo chuckled lightly.
“That’s understandable. Edison was the first person to mass market it and the first to get recognized for it, but Le Prince was actually the first. But he mysteriously disappeared in 1890, right before he was set to take a trip to the US to talk about his invention. So he never got a chance to market it.”
There was silence for a moment before Paul spoke again, “So is there any proof Edison had him killed or…?”
“No,” Enzo admitted, “but that is one of the theories for sure. Another is his brother did it over the family will. Either way, Edison was not the first.”
“Huh,” Paul said thoughtfully, “that’s actually fascinating. Dude, I’m sorry for doubting you.”
“It’s fine,” TK said evenly, “I am more than a pretty face you know.”
There was a collective snort from the other end of the phone and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to roll his eyes. She shook her head fondly and he returned his attention to the call, “Any other burning history questions or was that it?”
The background noise lessened as TK took the phone off speaker. “No, that’s it. Thanks, Enzo.”
“Anytime kid,” he told him, “you know I love to flex my random history facts.” That got another laugh out of TK, but Enzo could still hear the background noise of a group in the background. The sounds of easy comradery set his mind at ease in a way not much else had since TK had left for Texas. “Why don’t you get back to your friends and I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay, thanks again.”
“Don’t mention it. I love you kid.”
“Love you too. Say hi to mom for me?”
“You’ve got it.”
With that the call was over and Enzo was left back in their silent living room, Gwyn looking at him with a soft smile.
“He sounds happy,” she said after a moment, her voice warm but thick. He nodded.
“He does. As much as I do hate to admit it, I think going to Austin may have the best thing for him.”
“You just hate that Owen was right.”
“And you don’t?” he asked her with a raised eyebrow.
“Well that’s a given,” she quipped, leaning closer to him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed them as she rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m just glad he’s doing better,” she said softly after a moment, “I’ve been so worried about him.”
“Me too,” he admitted, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. That sat in silence for a few more moments, each lost in their own thoughts before he spoke again.
“So is that still a no to Jeopardy or…?”
She swatted at him and he grinned, ducking away from the light hit. Things seemed to have returned to their equilibrium, and that was a relief.
He just hoped it stayed that way.
-------------------
When he was wrested from sleep by the shrill sound of his phone ringing cutting through the late-night silence of his bedroom, Enzo groaned. He swore under his breath as he fumbled for the device, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he did. But when he managed to grasp his phone and saw the name on the screen, all thoughts of annoyance fled his mind. Owen Strand calling him was rarely a good sign. Owen Strand calling him at 2 am promised nothing short of disaster.
“Owen?” he said as he answered, skipping any and all attempts at pleasantries. “Is everything okay?”
He could afford to give the universe the benefit of the doubt, he decided; even if only for a moment.
When Owen’s reply came it was in a voice Enzo didn’t recognize. It was shaky and uncertain in a way that the other man never was.
“Enzo, hey. I’m sorry to bother you but Gwyn’s not answering her phone and…” he broke off with a shaky breath, “I really need to talk to her.”
“She’s in Beijing,” Enzo replied, sitting up and switching on the lamp beside him. “And given the time difference, probably in a meeting.”
He heard Owen swear distantly before he felt fear rise up in him. Owen calling him at 2 in the morning looking for Gwyn and out of sorts only added up to one thing, but Enzo so hoped he was wrong.
“Owen, did something happen to TK?” he forced himself to ask; the stress of not knowing was worse than anything else.
He could hear Owen take another breath, deep and shaky and filled with something else Enzo couldn’t identify on a phone call from half a country away.
“There was an...incident,” Owen said softly, voice still unsteady, “on our last call.”
Enzo’s mind was already spinning, stumbling from one horrible possibility from another.
“There was a man with dementia who broke into his old house and a homeowner who had a cardiac event and TK broke down the door and….he was shot.”
Enzo heard the words, he knew he did. But he couldn’t have. If he had heard them that would mean that TK had been shot and that was not something that could be true. His stepson was a firefighter. It was a profession that came with enough risks of its own. He had spent countless days worried and fearful at the thought of rescues gone wrong, of untamable flames and unstable buildings. Never once had he even entertained the thought of a bullet being a risk to watch out for. Bullets were supposed to be the problem of other people with other jobs — not his stepson, who already had so many dangers to face.
But it was true. The fear and pain in Owen’s voice told him it was true. There was an edge of both hysteria and despair in his words and that more than anything scared Enzo more than he could say.
“Where?” was the first coherent thought he could form.
“Just below his left shoulder” Owen repeated mechanically. “His...his lung collapsed before we were even out of the hallway. Enzo, he couldn’t breathe. He kept trying but he couldn’t and there was so much blood....” Owen trailed off and Enzo could hear the unmistakable sound of a sob in the background even as his own hands trembled and his eyes watered.
“Is he…” he started, but he couldn’t make himself say the words. He couldn’t speak the awful possibility into existence.
“He’s headed to surgery,” Owen replied. “I don’t know anything more than that, we only got here about 15 minutes ago. I just...I just hope it was fast enough.”
There was silence then as the two men allowed the same fear to consume them from opposite ends of the country. Enzo felt a morbid camaraderie with the other man in that moment. In the 16 years they had known each other it was safe to say that they had never exactly gotten along. They had always been polite and cordial for the sake of Gwyn, TK, and family gatherings but they were too different in too many ways that mattered to ever truly be friends. They had only ever agreed on one thing, and now that was the thing that tied them together — loving TK.
“You got him there as fast as you could Owen,” Enzo assured him without hesitation because there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that it wasn’t true. “You did everything you could. Any chance he has is because of you.”
“I think the credit lays more with the paramedics,” Owen objected, “but I appreciate the effort all the same.”
Enzo opened his mouth again, not quite sure what he was going to say but feeling the overwhelming need to say something, but he was interrupted before he got the chance to figure it out.
There was a noise on the other end followed by the sound of shuffling as Owen attended to whatever it was. When his voice returned, it was tight.
“That’s Gwyn on the other line, I’ve gotta take it. But listen, Enzo…”
But Enzo just shook his head, “Don’t worry about it Owen, talk to her. Just, keep me updated?”
“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, “as soon as I know anything.”
Then with another hurried goodbye, the call was over and Enzo was left in the dark and quiet bedroom, alone. It wasn’t long before the tears he had felt threatening began to fall in earnest as he wrapped his mind around this reality and allowed himself to dwell on it. There was a chance — a very real and terrifying chance — that they could lose TK. That Gwyn and Owen could lose the son they had brought into this world and loved for 26 years. That Enzo could lose one of the people he loved the most. The thought of TK not existing anymore was too horrible to dwell on.
Enzo was a religious man. He had been raised by a small Jewish family in a large community and his faith had been something that he had always had. It had seen him through so much. But now, with this, he had to wonder. It didn’t make sense that TK — his wonderful, caring stepson who had dedicated his life to helping people — should have to suffer so much in such a short time on earth. It went against everything he had ever believed about putting good into the world. Why should TK — who had never done anything to hurt anyone — have to suffer so? Why should he? He didn’t want to know what life without TK looked like.
More than anything, he hated that he might find out.
When Gwyn called him a few minutes later he pushed his own tears aside. He murmured soft reassurances as she sobbed in a quiet corner of a Beijing office building, consumed with fear and grief a world away from her child who was slipping further and further from them with every passing moment. He gave her empty platitudes, reassured her the best he could.
But all the while the fear was drilling a hole straight through his chest. This, he decided, was the worst fear he had ever felt.
The worst part was there was nothing he could do but wait, and hope desperately for the best.
----------------
The next several days were some of the longest of Enzo’s life. Each day he woke up and went about the day. Each day he kept his phone volume on, not wanting to miss any news either way. Each day an update came from Owen and each day it was the same: no change.
He debated going out to Austin — he had been halfway through buying a ticket online half a dozen times — but each time he stopped himself. Logically he knew that being there wouldn’t change anything. He would still be waiting, he’d just be waiting there. He told himself he was needed here, that he couldn’t just pick up and go across the country with no warning. It was the end of the semester and he had students to help to finish the course or their dissertation. He told himself staying was the responsible option, but he knew that it was largely just a distraction. But he would take any distraction he could get and so he pushed the guilt of not being there to the side
He taught his classes, he went through the motions. He fielded calls from Gwyn, still stuck in China and frantic with worry. Each day he reassured her; reminded her that TK was strong, young, and healthy. Above all that, he reminded her, he was stubborn. No bullet or coma was going to take him from them before he was ready.
Of course there was the private fear, the one he didn’t want to share, that he didn’t want to hang on anyone else. The one he was afraid to say out loud.
It was the thought that maybe, after everything, that was exactly what he did want. That maybe this was an out and that maybe, he would take it. That maybe he didn’t want to be alive anymore.
But that was a possibility too horrible to accept. Maybe it was selfish, but Enzo knew that even if that was the case, he wasn’t ready. He doubted he ever would be, but he certainly wasn’t now. He knew both Gwyn and Owen would agree. No time was a good time to lose your child — step or otherwise — but now, after this — after everything — was not the time.
So he waited, and hoped.
Time seemed to blend together and before he knew it one day had become two, which had stretched into four. Each moment passed the same way — tensely, with no news.
He knew he had been distracted too — keeping his ringer on during class and checking in throughout his lectures and office hours. He had apologized to his classes after the second telemarketer had caused him to drop everything and lunge for his phone, citing a family emergency and word had slowly gotten around. Soon it wasn’t just him hoping for the best, but most of the Columbia history department as well. Their well wishes were touching, but nothing short of good news was going to make him feel any better.
So when his phone did finally ring on a Thursday afternoon, 5 days after the fateful call, he picked it up with trepidation. The name on the screen sent his heart racing and he nearly dropped his phone in his haste to answer it.
“Owen?” he asked tersely, “Any updates?”
Because since that night they hadn’t spoken. All updates had come in the form of texts and the thought of Owen finally having something to tell him one way or the other simultaneously thrilled him and nearly froze him with fear.
But it wasn’t Owen’s voice that answered.
“Hey Enzo,” TK said, the sound of his voice rushing through Enzo’s body like a current of electricity. He sank back into his seat with a wobbly laugh, feeling nearly a week's worth of tension fall away as he listened to the miraculous sound of TK breathing on the other end of the phone.
“Hey kid,” he said warmly. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. How are you feeling?”
“Okay,” he answered, “I really don’t feel too bad at all. A little sore, a little tired, but overall not bad.”
“I hear getting shot will do that to you,” Enzo retorted drily before sighing and running a weary hand down his face. “You scared the shit out of me, TK,” he admitted.
“Sorry,” TK replied softly, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone.”
“It’s not your fault,” Enzo rushed to reassure him, “I know you didn’t ask for this to happen but...shit TK, I am not built for this. Do you think you could avoid getting shot in the future, for my sanity at the very least?”
“I’ll try,” TK responded with a chuckle, “I don’t remember most of it but I don’t think it’s anything I want to revisit.”
“No, I’d imagine not,” Enzo retorted wryly. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts and taking comfort from the presence of the other even if it was only over a phone call from half a country away. “So,” he finally said, leaning into normal conversation for the sake of normalcy, “is your dad driving you nuts yet?”
“Yes,” TK responded emphatically, “he has been hovering non-stop, and he brought a date.”
Enzo could hear indignant sputtering in the background and Owen muttering something about him not bringing a date, that his date had simply come to visit him to see how he was doing and, maybe because of all the fear and stress of the past week, Enzo could only laugh.
“That sounds like your dad,” he retorted once he caught his breath, “and I wouldn’t count on that changing anytime soon.”
“She seemed cool at least,” TK allowed, voice teasing, “I don’t know why he was trying to keep her a secret.”
“Excuse you,” Owen’s voice objected from the background, “I am not the one who had a hot cop sitting by my bedside. You don’t get to talk about keeping secrets.”
“Dad,” TK groaned and Enzo’s eyebrows shot up.
“Oh, so the mystery man is a cop,” he teased, “and the plot thickens.”
Now it was TK’s turn to splutter, “Nope, we are not doing this. That is more than enough from both of you,” he declared and Enzo could hear Owen chuckling at his son’s indignation from the background. It was a slice of normal that he had feared he’d never get again. To be sitting here hearing TK’s voice, teasing him about something so simple as the guy he had a crush on seemed like a miracle and Enzo was grateful for it.
Everything was normal again, at long last.
----------------
Sometimes he thinks that turning on news alerts for Austin was the worst decision he had ever made.
It seemed practical, at the time. An easy way to stay in the know, to have an idea of what kind of calls TK may have seen on any given day. But now he was frozen in the middle of the hallway after one of his classes staring at a notification about a solar storm that had blasted through Austin, leaving devastation in its wake; regretting every decision that led him to this point.
He knew TK was still on medical leave. He knew that he should be home and resting after only being released from the hospital two days before. But he also knew his stepson and knew that whenever there was trouble, TK was usually not too far behind.
It was with that thought in his mind that he stepped out out the middle of the hallway and leaned against the wall as he waited anxiously for the call to connect. The sound of a pleasant robotic voice informing him that his call could not be completed filled him with dread, but he forced himself to take a breath. It didn’t mean anything. The grid was likely overloaded right now; Enzo couldn’t say he knew for sure what kind of damage a solar storm could do but he was willing to guess that it wasn’t great for the electronic infrastructure.
Left with no other options he went on about his day, the familiar anxiety he had only recently shed slipping back over him like a worn winter coat. He tried calling a few more times, trying to ignore how the dread in his gut grew each and every time the call didn’t go through. He resisted the urge to ask one of his science colleagues to explain the specifics of a solar storm; reasoning that dealing with his own uncertainty would be far kinder than having confirmed facts. At least this way, he decided, he could tell himself he was overreacting.
It was far too many hours before his phone rang; an unfamiliar number appearing on his lock screen. He frowned at it but swiped to answer. He did list his cell number on all of his course syllabi, but for the most part his students stuck to his campus email, or — in desperate times — text.
“Dr. Cohen,” he answered, mentally placing bets as to whether it was actually a student or a robot trying to inform him about the extended warranty of the car he didn’t own.
To his immense relief, it was neither. Instead, a familiar voice answered, sending a rush of relief through him at the sound, “Hey, Enzo, it’s me.”
“TK,” he breathed, setting down the paper he had been reading and closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?”
“More or less,” he answered sheepishly and Enzo was about to push for more than that when he caught the distinct sound of a hospital intercom in the background.
“Tyler Kennedy Strand, are you in the hospital again?” he demanded and he heard a weary sigh from the other end before a quiet “yeah” was muttered.
“It’s not a big deal though,” TK rushed to explain, “I’m fine. I just pulled my stitches.”
There was another voice in the background that Enzo didn’t recognize and could barely hear, but what he could hear made it clear that the other voice was not impressed either.
“Well, what was I supposed to do?” TK demanded, and Enzo was not entirely sure who he was speaking to, “Let her drown in a burning bus?”
“You just got out of the hospital!” Enzo objected when he could form words again, “What were you doing somewhere where there was a burning bus?!”
“We just went out for boba,” TK retorted, “I didn’t expect there to be a solar storm that caused a bus accident.”
And Enzo forced himself to take a deep breath because that was fair, he supposed. There was no way anyone could control anything like that. Still…
“The next time you move we’re going to need to do some research,” he declared. “Because if it is anywhere as chaotic as Austin, I’m going to have to object.”
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” TK assured him, “I think I’ll be in Austin for a while.”
There was a smile in his voice and Enzo somehow had the feeling he was intruding on something, even though TK had been the one to call him.
“What number are you calling me from?” he asked, testing his theory.
“I borrowed Carlos’s phone,” TK answered in a voice that said he knew what was coming and he hoped it would at least be quick.
“Oh,” Enzo replied, “and Carlos wouldn’t happen to be the name of a certain ‘hot cop’ your father mentioned, aka the mystery man I have been trying to get you to tell me about for months?”
“Yes.”
“And when you say ‘we’ were trying to get boba…”
“Enzo…”
“And he wouldn’t happen to be with you right now, would he?”
“Are you done?” TK demanded, and Enzo only laughed.
“Not nearly, kid; I’m just getting started.”
And despite TK’s muttering, Enzo could tell that he sounded happier than he had heard him sound in ages. He marveled at the fact that somehow, despite everything, TK had managed to find the happiness and peace he had hoped for him ever since he left New York all those months ago. Between the disasters he had managed to take his broken pieces and fit them back together, maybe even stronger than they had been before.
It was all he had ever wanted for him, and he was relieved beyond belief that he had found it.
“You know, this means I’m going to have to come down there soon,” he said instead, “I’ve got to meet this mystery man for myself.”
He could practically hear TK rolling his eyes, but his voice was impossibly warm when he assured him, “You’ll like him, Enzo.”
“Do you like him?” he asked.
“Yeah,” TK responded without a moment’s hesitation, “I do.”
“Then I already do,” he assured him.
If this Carlos had anything to do with the happiness he could finally hear returned to his stepson’s voice, he couldn’t do anything but.
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Richard Armitage interview in Total Film Magazine (25/06/21)
Full transcript under cut
Are you talkin’ to me?
I am talking to you. If I’m perfectly honest, I’d rather be face to face, because I’m sick of Zoom. I went back to work on the show that I’m on at the moment, for Netflix. The first day on set, I could barely get any work done, because I was talking and talking. They kept offering me a chair, and I said, “No, I don’t need to sit down. I’ve been sat on my arse for a year!”
Do you feel lucky, punk?
I’ve been incredibly lucky. I’ve dabbled with having my celestial chart looked at every couple of years, just for a little tune-up. Every time, the guy sighs, and goes, “What can I say? You’ve just got a sprinkle of luck.” And I say, “That’s good, because I don’t have the talent, so I really need the luck!”
So what are you afraid of?
I’m very afraid of deep water. I’m afraid of drowning. Any job I’ve ever had where there’s been water involved, there’s usually some kind of incident. It’s a prophecy waiting to be told. And I’m afraid of failure. I often think, “Why did I pick a profession where failure is at your door every second of the day?” I’m quite tough on myself, so I fail more than I win.
Do you have a mixtape coming out?
No, I haven’t recorded an album. But I do make a little mixtape for every character I play. It’s the best part of the job, really. You just sit there for a couple of days, just going through endless albums on Spotify. For [Francis Dolarhyde on] Hannibal, I used some really freaky music, which helped.
What’s normal, anyways?
Literally nothing anymore. Everything – every single thing – is abnormal. Gosh, I crave normality, but I don’t know what that is now. What is normal…? A cheese sandwich.
Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?
Life is easy when you’re a kid. That’s one of the things about being an actor – you get to relinquish that responsibility, and still pretend you’re a kid, because you live in that imaginative world all the time. I quite like it. I find it hard to grow up.
We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?
Yeah. I think I’m a little mad. I’ve often played characters that are dabbling with trauma or post-traumatic stress or a little bit of insanity. I can start hallucinating, and seeing people in very strange ways, especially when I haven’t eaten. And I just think, “Oh, gosh, that’s a bit strange, isn’t it? I better get a cheese sandwich.”
You talk the talk, do you walk the walk?
It’s taken me years to find what I define as authenticity, because I think that’s what the question is about. I think I’m authentic. I do the work, not because anyone’s looking over my shoulder. I do it for me. And I do it because I love it. So I think that’s walking the walk.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Every night! There is a naughty, dark side to me. I am quite strongly affected by the moon. So if there’s a full moon I’ll go a bit crazy.
You ever have that feeling that you’re not sure if you’re awake or you’re dreaming?
All the time. That’s one of the things I tap into a lot, because I’m quite active through my sleep. I can wake up fully dressed, on the other side of the room. I will be convinced I’ve met somebody, or been somewhere, that has actually been a dream. It’s very useful for writing and dreaming up ideas for a character.
Do you like what you do for a living, these things you see?
Often I question, “Why on earth did I pick this career?” Because I’m so not the kind of person that should be an actor. I’m a recluse. I’m an introvert. I don’t like being looked at. [laughs] But I get to see the world through other people’s eyes, and that’s where the fascination lies.
Will you follow me, one last time?
Yeah, what’s your Twitter handle? [laughs] I was having a chat with Jimmy Nesbitt about this. I feel like there was a ‘me’ before [the Hobbit trilogy], and a ‘me’ after, in terms of my career, and life experience. We were not prepared for it. I thought I was going to be fired. And it turned out to be the most incredible adventure. I’ll go to my grave with the most intense memories of New Zealand.
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NIGHTWING #81
UMM... HOW ABOUT NO.
Ever since Tom Taylor took over Nightwing I have only made a post about one issue of his (I will leave it here Nightwing #78), that issue was beautiful, it was a solid start and the little things that made me feel a bit icky were not mentioned in the post because the issue was good.
Then the issues felt like connectors or just very bland story wise. I had problems with the book also feeling like a Nightwing and (fake) Oracle book instead of just Nightwing. There were many instances where Dick alone could have gotten himself out of situations without Barbara, but because she was there the opportunity to show that he can do things was taken from him. I guess what I am trying to say is that the book has disappointed me but I didn’t feel like making a post because it was too early and this is an ongoing book that Taylor said he planned on continuing for a while, but now I can’t not make a post.
A few days ago, I finally read the Red Hood story in Urban Legends (I have a review for that one too I will link it here Red Hood part 4) and I couldn’t stand how OOC and disappointing the story/characterization has been. I am saying this because I am only reading these two books at the moment, ONLY these two, and all I have gotten from them is shit.
I know it’s still early to say that the Nightwing book is bad but…I hated this issue, I hated it with all of my heart. But now that I am a bit calmer, I have come up with some ideas of what is truly going on with the Melinda situation.
Anyway, let me give you my thoughts.
There are big Wilson Fisk vibes coming from both Blockbuster and Melinda Zucco. Those two will lie, manipulate and be evil every chance they get. They are working together to make Nightwing disappear. I know it. The whole “make us all much wealthier and to extend your power beyond the city” idea does not include Nightwing.
Melinda might not want to burn anything down but she sure isn’t a hero. This woman accepted the position of Mayor after watching Blockbuster kill the former mayor. I understand that talking with the BHPD isn’t the best idea but this woman feels way too comfortable in the presence of a killer.
She is cunning and she has plans, I strongly believe that she might be a villain and that she will betray Blockbuster and take all the power (if it reaches that point) to herself.
Heartless is just another weirdo, he tricks both Nightwing and the reader into thinking that he has a soft spot for kids but surprise! He doesn’t. There isn’t much to say about him, he just has very complex gadgets and doesn’t know how to fight. I don’t even have any ideas about who he might be.
What I know though is that there was absolutely no need for Dick to think that he had “underestimated” Heartless, my love you threw your stick at him while he was looking directly at you, there was a 50/50 chance of him catching it. I swear I don’t understand the need to write him thinking that mostly because Taylor then has Dick swiping the floor with the guy, not only is it a simple fight (for Dick) but it’s also boring for him. Taylor’s writing is so annoying sometimes, he just loves to write extra things that are out of place like the “Tim Drake. Thought of by many as the best Robin” why the fuck did he put that there? Honestly, what was the point of having Dick say that, I don’t read a Nightwing book to have Tim Drake praise. If it doesn’t offer anything to the story that is being told then keep the thought to yourself Tom...
Moving forward the scene in the pier was quite nice, mostly because it’s Dick’s quick thinking that gets everyone to safety, he knows exactly what to do and how to contact the Maritime distress channel.
He has hope for his city, he knows there is good in it and he believes help will show up when lives are about to be lost. I loved that, just like Heartless said, Nightwing IS Bludhaven’s Guardian Angel. Once again, I am having Daredevil vibes from Dick (like from the show)
After the fight we get to see consequences of Dick not healing properly from a shot to the head. He loses his consciousness which is extremely dangerous but luckily Tim is at arm’s reach to help him out of the pier.
There are many things I want to talk about from the scenes that happen after Dick wakes up in his apartment so here we go.
First of all, Bitewing is adorable, she loves Dick the most and was happy to see him awake once more, what a good girl!
Secondly, Barbara, honey, you do not have three names, you aren’t Batgirl anymore, you are a grown woman that needs to move on from a mantle that has other people that can do something else/better with it. And we all know that this Oracle is just the ableist version of Oracle. So yeah…all I ask is for Barbara to move on from Batgirl, Cass and Stephanie are right there, enough is enough.
In these panels we have Dick, Tim and Barbara being kinda dismissive about the homeless kids, and it has been happening for so many issues, what is the point, Taylor? You made Dick a millionaire and you just can’t have him say or think for a second that he will monetarily help those kids and make sure they are put somewhere safe? You are really going to wait up until you have Dick running for Mayor or something to help the kids? I just don’t get it. Kids living on the streets and each time they are mentioned the three heroes of the book act like it’s normal and doesn’t need fixing. What the fuck.
Then we have the gang finding out that Melinda Zucco is the new mayor, the woman has an FBI file and a redacted one! This makes me think two things, either things are like I thought in the beginning of the post (she is evil and very good at it) or this woman is actually FBI and she is undercover (this one is less likely because of what happens at the end of the issue).
What we can see from the file that Barbara found is very little, but in these two pictures we can see that maybe she was put in foster care and x age? Also, she was apparently investigated in April of 20xx, the investigation must have been recent, why would the FBI investigate a minor or college student? What if these files were implanted by Melinda for someone to find them, and for her to have some sort of proof of her lies? If the file is about her being left in foster care or something while would the file be redacted? I don’t know, everything about her is shady and I don’t trust anything from or about her.
This could be a complex and very interesting character but Tom Taylor and DC really love to do stupid shit for shock value (more of this later).
All the new information (the Maroni, Blockbuster and now this very shady Mayor) has Dick saying that it is a bit too much for him and yeah, it is too much, you know who could help? Red Hood. I am of course not talking about current DC comics Red Hood, I am talking about the Red Hood that I would love to see, just yesterday I had an ask about who would I like to see working with Jason and I said Nightwing because Dick puts a lot of responsibility on his shoulders so it would be nice if they negotiated and each could work on different crime areas in Bludhaven, if only DC would hear me…
Anyway, now that we come to the end of the scene let’s talk about Barbara’s shirt.
That was unnecessary and not funny. That’s all it was. Yeah, I know it’s a meme and I know it was included for funny ha-ha purposes but I am not laughing. Bruce has been written as abusive towards his kids for so long, Jason, Tim and Dick have been physically harmed by Bruce and writers use it as just something that happens, there are never repercussions for the Bat. And this shirt sucks because Dick was Robin there and he was a kid, so having Barbara or anyone wearing a shirt with Batman hitting Robin!Dick right in front of Dick is just disgusting. What if someone wore a shirt that had Joker beating Jason with a crowbar in front of Jason, would that be a funny ha-ha too? What about Dick wearing a shirt with the Joker shooting Barbara, is that a funny ha-ha? The answer to those questions is no, it’s not funny.
The idea of that shirt shouldn’t have been pitched, drawn or included after the editor took a look at it.
The picture is a meme in our world, not in theirs. And the readers aren’t laughing.
Back to the issue, Dick is left alone in his apartment to rest (seriously? You think the man that showed up to help Bruce in Gotham with a knee brace is going to rest?) but he can’t, he just found out that Mayor Zucco might be trouble for Bludhaven and might be working with not only Blockbuster but the Maroni family. He is not waiting one more second to have a chat with her.
Dick is obviously still concussed so of course he grabs a mask that has a camera that Oracle can view, and of course he enters yet another window without being careful.
Melinda and Audre were obviously waiting for him.
But here is where the real bullshit begins. Dick is unmasked.
I am so mad; it’s been four issues and Dick gets his ass in a trap and is unmasked by a villain? Are you kidding me right now?
But that’s not all, after Dick breaks free and accuses Melinda of being the daughter of the man that killed his parents, she pulls out a uno reverse card and says that her actual father is John Grayson, and that she is his sister.
How about no. Absolutely not. Go away.
Let’s re-visit Melinda’s appearances in the book so far so we can start theorizing about her real intentions or if she could be saying the truth.
Back in issue #78 where she is first introduced to us, after Melinda watches Blockbuster kill the mayor, she goes home and tells her Audre that she is now mayor because Blockbuster did what he does, so she knows that this guy is trash and a killer. But that’s not all, Audre asks her if she came across Dick Grayson to which Melinda answers “I am not ready for him yet”. Audre suggests she talks to him sooner rather than later because she might not have “another chance”, and the issue ends with Melinda agreeing with her while she is looking at a Flying Graysons poster with a red circle framing Dick’s face.
That whole thing? Shady. Melinda, obviously, wanted to talk to Dick Grayson, probably to tell him that she is his sister, but why is there a time limit, why is Audre telling Melinda that she can’t wait too long? Is it because her undercover work is ending soon? Is it because it’s not real at all and she needs to tell that lie in order to move forward with some sort of plan? I don’t know…
In issue #79 Melinda (and Audre) are out in the open with Maroni and they are talking about her becoming the next Mayor, Nightwing was watching from afar so this is his first contact with her. And it might be the first time that Melinda and her friend see Nightwing in action too. I cannot tell if she is aware that Nightwing/Dick Grayson are the same person here.
In #80 she doesn’t make an appearance.
But now in #81 she is taking her place as Mayor of Bludhaven, there Commissioner McClean takes her somewhere she didn’t expect to go (she is shown not knowing that Maroni and Blockbuster were in the next room over). Once in the room she refuses to take the cash from McClean but she will take the money as a transaction (for a second I thought she wouldn’t take the money but she did because she is very corrupt) and talks to Maroni once more. Before I talk about what happens with Blockbuster let me say this, she acts so distant to Maroni, she calls him Mr. Maroni every single time and she comes off as cold and feeling no type of way while talking with someone that is part of the family that actually raised her, and this is not because she is in a room full of other people, she did it too in #79. It seems weird that she acts that way with someone that took her under his wing since she was eight years old.
When she sits with Blockbuster he says “tell us your plan for my city” to which she says all of this: “My plan, Blockbuster, is to make us all much wealthier and to extend your power beyond the city. But to do so in a way that builds on the good work you’ve already done I have no interest in burning anything down.”
At the start of the post I said she gave me big Wilson Fisk vibes and that right there is why. She is shady, she has plans on top of plans, she calls Roland Desmond Blockbuster to his face but says that he has done good work for Bludhaven, which is weird because Blockbuster destroys Bludhaven a couple of times a year…
As I said before whatever she has planned does not include Nightwing, and here is where I kinda start theorizing a bit more, what if Blockbuster told Melinda Nightwing’s real name, he used to know who he was once upon a time…
Later in this issue when Nightwing is going to Melinda’s place Audre is already waiting for him right next to the window (with a sword), so, was he making an insane amount of noise or were they told to be ready for him?
Melinda traps him and takes his mask off, she barely seems surprised about Nightwing being Dick, she barely reacts when he jumps at her. She is in complete control of the situation and proves that by disarming Dick, as fast as he accuses her of being Zucco’s daughter she tells him that her real father is John Grayson.
She is in complete control. She has to be lying, she put a stop to whatever Dick had to say and do in seconds. This woman is trained and she is manipulative as fuck!
And if she isn’t lying then fuck DC and fuck Tom Taylor, this woman is either younger or the same age as Dick, John Grayson was not a cheater, the man is dead, has been dead for so long, don’t throw dirt on his name at this point. I refuse to believe this is true.
I honestly think that she is evil, and knows more than we are aware of, her first appearance was shady as fuck, let's suppose that she didn’t truly know that Dick was Nightwing, why on earth did she have a Flying Graysons poster with a red circle on top of Dick’s face? That doesn’t seem like something a sister would do! And why would this be information that is so important that she NEEDS to tell him in a certain amount of time?
It’s fucking insane. Tom Taylor, if she is actually Dick's sister then shame on you. Disgusting, what is with writers and cheating, what the hell is going on? Dick doesn’t need to think back to his parents and see a cheater in one of them. This better be Melinda being a cruel and vile human being that is trying to emotionally hurt Dick/Nightwing so she and Blockbuster can do whatever its they want to do.
That’s all I have to say.
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Kenji x first perspective female reader:
Things happened
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(Hey, how is it going peeps! This was requested by @xxno-0xx . I hope you all, and especially the requester, like it. Only one warning: It involves some swearing, so if you don’t like that don’t read. If the requester doesn’t like it, please tell me and I’ll edit the story! Also: The story plays somewhere either between season 2 and 3, or somewhere around season 3. Though not in a canonical episode)
It’s crazy how things sometimes happen.
A very vague description, I know, but it’s the only way I can convey how I feel.
Things happened that made me have the opportunity to go to Jurassic Worlds Camp Cretaceous.
We had won the league as the best female Baseball team, with the price being -besides the typical golden trophy and some media glory- a trip to Camp Cretaceous for one of us. And as the team leader, I was chosen as the one who can go.
“Oh no it’s fine!”, I had said. I already had a funny feeling about the trip. But they all had insisted, “it’s fine”, they had said, “it’ll be cool” they said.
Oh and weren’t they just so right. I am super peachy.
Practically prancing through the jungle and killing Dinos with my little finger-
Ok that’s enough, I think y’all got the gist: The shit had hit the fan.
Things happened, that made everyone be gone, and suddenly it was up to us to survive on this pretend Prehistoric nightmare.
At least my beloved baseball bat had survived the fall of the Camp Cretaceous building. After that discovery I didn’t let go of it anymore. I took it everywhere with me, hitting every living being that even dared to breath in my new found friends direction.
Friends… I had never thought, before the evacuation of Jurassic World and all that crazy stuff happened, that I’d ever call any of them that. I hadn’t really found any of them to be friendship material. I love baseball and building things out of wood in my free time and had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. The only person in the group who had come close to that was Yaz, but she had been so closed off, that I couldn’t really tell before we became a group that fought for their survival. Darius also had been ok, but I was older than him and we didn’t have anything in common, so that checked itself out. Everyone else sort of annoyed me in one way or another. Especially Kenji’s pompous ass. He had appeared very full of himself and just generally narcissistic, or at least painfully self centered and pretentious.
Now imagine how surprised one might be, when one figured I was crushing on the guy.
Let’s just say, that things happened that made me see Kenji in a completely different light.
Turns out he has a good enough sense of humor to catch my drift when I speak “in sarcastic” as he likes to call it. Turns out, he was a loyal and fun friend. Turns out he was just a lonely soul, neglected by a father whose work is more important to him than his own son.
Everything turned out different than it appears about him. He still sometimes annoyed me with his pranks and especially when he wouldn’t shut up about his wealth. The latter however became very apparent as the means to show that he was someone, although he didn’t need to prove that anymore. But of course he would think that’s how people would like him, his father had taught him no better.
The first thing I mentioned somehow makes me love him even more. It annoys me, gets such a rise out of me, that it’s somehow funny again. It gives me a spark and Kenji seemingly seems to enjoy seeing that spark. And him enjoying that spark makes me somehow happy as well. It would start with a cat fight and ended in rigorous laughter.
“Why so serious?”, he would sometimes ask when I’d respond with a glare towards him when he’d steal my bat for what felt like the fifty millionth time.
“You’re getting so creative. I barely saw it coming”, I answered dryly and one could practically see the words alternating between being written in small and big letters.
“Well then you should have no problem finding your sweet baby bat then”, he cooed. Looking deep into his dark brown eyes and almost devilish handsome grin made me both want to punch and kiss him, which may have made me irritable and even madder.
“Finding? Why should I find anything if I have a living and breathing treasure map. Come here!”, I demanded with a creepily sweet grin as I’d walk towards him. Then he’d run, I’d run, we wrestled for a second on the ground only to break into a laughing fit, rolling on the floor, crying tears, resolving this nonsense prank and then getting back to either relaxing or fighting off Dinosaurs… again.
I didn’t think, however, that anything could happen between Kenji and me.
For many a reason, though only two are essential: For one, we were busy surviving, one barely had time to get downtime with the group, yet alone for themselves. Secondly, I didn’t really know, or couldn’t really tell, if he felt the same. Maybe it was my own insecurities coming to light or something, but I just couldn’t really believe it.
Seemed unlikely.
But then things happened.
Kenji and I were on the run from an especially nasty, big Dinosaur. We had been collecting some water in big canisters and wanted to head back to camp when it sneak attacked, unexpectedly.
It snared at us, opening its huge mouth, showing a row of thin, long, sharp teeth.
“Fuck off, you tooth pick mouthed asshole!”, I hissed back at it, flailing my bat at it in panic.
The reason for my irrational action was mainly, that we were stuck between two huge rocks, backed up against another rock with no way out.
Maybe hills or mini-mountain were a better description, but it’s also not important.
All that I could think of was that we were stuck and that little fucker wanted to eat us.
“Calm down, y/n, this isn’t making anything better!”, Kenji tried to reason with me. I was close to shouting some obscenities at him or a dry ‘got a better idea, genius!?’, but this time his dark brown eyes, that often had a mischievous twinkle, calmed me, instead of creating the usual spark. I crawled closer to him as we were pressed to the stone wall.
The Dino however wouldn’t give up. Vehemently, it pressed its ugly snout between the walls, stretching its uncomfortably wet tongue towards us and exhaling a nauseating breath.
I was paralyzed, as I looked at that thing, not knowing what would happen next.
Suddenly, I felt my bat being taken out of my hand. I watched as Kenji took on a fighter stance, the bat positioned over his head, ready for the hit.
“What are you doing! Didn’t you just tell me that we should calm it?”, I asked. He turned around, a frown adorned his face, “I said you should calm down”, is all he answered before he darted towards the animal.
“NO!”, I heard myself scream. I had never heard such a sound come from my throat. It was shrill, loud and all in all I couldn’t recognize myself. I was terrified, even more than when I first caught sight of this beast that had brought us into this situation.
Everything seemed to pass by in slow motion as I saw Kenji swing the bat towards its snout. At first I thought it was over for him as the Dinos mouth opened, the teeth seeming to scrape Kenji’s head, that’s how close it was to him… but then I saw Kenji swinging the bat again, directly hitting its head so that it flew against the stone wall. The beast wailed in pain, seemingly backing up, and just like that, it was gone.
“I… I made it”, Kenji first whispered, before he laughed, repeating, “I made it!”, even louder, jumping into the air and forming a victory fistbump in the air.
“That was awesome! Did you see how- Y/N?”, Kenji’s joy subsided as he looked into my angered expression. With a swift motion I took my bat back, glaring at him as I pressed out, between gritted teeth “let’s just go, hero”
Kenji seemed to have caught the sarcastic undertone of me calling him a hero, because I could physically feel his mood shift closer to mine, “hey what’s with that attitude? I just saved our lives!”
“By doing what I also wanted to do. Great!”
“You were panicking! I don’t know if you would’ve gotten a good hit by panicking. Besides, I couldn’t risk you getting hurt!”, he explained.
For a second I could feel my heart flutter, but that didn’t help my opinion on what just happened.
“But you were ready to risk yourself?”, I asked, my tone bitter.
“Why are you so mad?”, he asked, “we are safe, what more could you want?”,
“I-“, I stopped in my tracks, thinking. Yeah: What was I so mad about? He was right, I had panicked. Panic never helps with concentration and right decision making. I found it impressive, that he had the courage and the focus to fight the Dino off. But I just couldn’t fight off the thought of it going wrong. What if he would’ve been eaten?
“What-“, I wanted to repeat what I had been thinking, but could feel a hiccup, breaking the tear flood inside me. No- I was not going to cry. I took a deep breath, looking directly into his confused visage, “- what if it would’ve gone wrong, I’m just… I- I wouldn’t have known what to do without you. I can’t imagine being without you anymore”.
I saw and heard him gasp, his glance unfreezing from his confused state.
“I didn’t realize I was that important to you”, he answered.
I chuckled, too embarrassed to look him in the eyes, “everyone is important to me from the group, I wouldn’t have liked any of them to risk their lives for me but- but especially not you. I- I can’t believe I’m going to say this - I had vowed to take this to my grave ya know-“
“- Get to the point”, Kenji urged me.( I wasn’t looking at him, but he later told me he had smiled whilst saying it, I however thought he was getting annoyed and was almost too scared to continue. Stupid how that sometimes works)
“- I, eh- I’m in love with you I think. Or at least I definitely feel very strongly for you”, I confessed, “there! Now you have something to use against me. Finally got something you can laugh at again on this miserable Isla-mpf”, my self deprecating monologue was interrupted by soft lips catching mine. It almost took my breath away, but then I leaned in, still not believing this was happening, though it definitely was.
“I’m not going to laugh, I love you too. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to risk everything if I didn’t”
“That’s cheesy, but I appreciate the honesty”, I said, wearing my usual shit eating grin as I regained confidence back.
“Oh look who's talking now”
“Oh shut it!”, I laughed and just like that, I found myself kissing him again.
“And here I thought I had to worry, but you two just ran away to make out”, I suddenly heard Darius in the background, half serious, half amused by the moment he found us in.
I quickly broke away from Kenji, grinning sheepishly, “You know how it is Darius: You get chased by a Dino, and then you need a kiss to make the boo boo go away… just so happens I got a bit of a chap on my lips, and Kenji wanted to make it real good again”, I explained, earning a silent chuckle from Kenji.
Darius rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hold back a smile either, “let’s get you love birds home”
————————
And so things happened. Did we have much time to enjoy us being a couple? Not really.
Did more things happen, making everything crazier and tougher?
Did the rift between Darius and Kenji make me anxious as I was sitting by Kenji’s side, as he, with an expression that was too serious for my liking, drove the yacht?
Absolutely.
But I know, that at least he’s by my side still, as am I, and we will make things happen so that we can finally be free from this place.
Hopefully, we’ll make it.
Depends on what the Dino on the yacht has to say about it...
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What Friends Do Pt. 4
Word Count: 2047
Warnings: Cursing, Drug Abuse
Synopsis: Josh and Jake are surprised when an old friend stumbles back into their lives, taking their world by storm with old feelings, new feelings, and problems they never would have expected.
Josh Kiszka x Fem!Reader x Jake Kiszka
Taglist: @anditsmywholeheart @babydxll @gretavanfleetlove
"Thanks for coming out with us (Y/N), we definitely need to do this again sometime." Josh smiles at her, his hands in his pockets with his book tucked under his arm.
"Yeah we really do." (Y/N) agreed, holding her bag tightly despite it hanging off her shoulder, fingers tapping against the strap of her bag. She tried not to make it obvious, as her leg began rattling itself back and forth--- she was getting noticeably fidgety.
"Sometime soon maybe?" Josh continued to suggest, "Maybe we could like... I dunno do a chill dinner or something at my place with everyone?" Josh suggests looking at Jake to get some form of confirmation.
Jake nodded a little, eyes lightly glancing to (Y/N)'s leg as it moved. They then jumped up to look at her side profile. 'Why is she shaking so much…?'
"Maybe… uh… what day is it again..." (Y/N) starts as her eyes shut a touch, beginning to rub at the back of her neck. Head leaning from side to side in thought, there was a beat of silence as she thought. “Uh.... Saturday maybe?” She suggests finally, an expression across her face showed that she… might not have figured out what day it was in the end.
Josh is soon nodding to her, “I can make that work.” He smiles, he didn’t seem bothered by the sudden antsy movements (Y/N) had begun to make, nor the slightly vacant look in her eyes. “Text me?”
(Y/N) nods quickly, “I will!” She hums, “I better get going! I’ll see you guys later?” She continues just as swiftly.
“See you!” Josh cheers, watching as (Y/N) began to walk away from them.
“Yeah see ya…” Jake utters, unlike his twin her movements didn’t sit well with him. Quite the opposite. When (Y/N) was far enough away, Jake turned to Josh with a curious look. “...Did… did she seem off to you?” He asks with a sideways expression.
Josh’s brows furrowed, “What do you mean by “off”, exactly?”
"I dunno… she just seemed really jittery, all of a sudden." Jake utters, he honestly just curious.
Josh began to start down the sidewalk, it took him a moment, he seemed to be deciding himself if he wanted to branch onto the matter. "She did yeah…" Josh finally responds with a small sigh, it wasn't in a nonchalant way, but Josh’s tone made it clear to Jake that he wasn’t surprised by the thought.
"...should we ask her about it?" Jake slowly inquired, his brow perking up a little.
"No we shouldn't." Josh quickly replies, picking up the pace as his hand searches his pocket for his car keys.
Jake is startled by just how quick and how loudly his twin had responded. "...uh… why not?" Jake soon inquired.
"It's none of our business." Josh says in a serious tone, which was a strange look for him. Not that Josh wasn't capable of being serious, just that he normally didn't show so much fervor in being serious.
Jake's brows furrowed a touch more. "Josh… why can't we ask her about it?" He said in an equally as serious tone.
By this point Josh was reaching to unlock his car, his gaze keeping low.
"She's your friend isn't she? If it's something important shouldn't we talk to her?" Jake continued to press, Josh gritting his teeth a little though he didn't notice.
"There's nothing wrong okay? We don't need to talk to her. She's fine." Josh quickly snapped,
"But--" Jake started,
"It’s none of your business okay Jake? So just--” Josh stopped before shaking his head, his arm now rested along the edge of his slightly opened car door. “I'm not talking about it anymore okay?" Josh finally says. "I'll see you later." He muttered a little under his breath, opening the door wide to slip behind the steering wheel.
Jake’s eyes had narrowed as his twin did this. What was he hiding? More importantly, why was he hiding it? Jake was his twin, and (Y/N) was his friend… so what was the point?
Even after Jake had moved on and left Josh behind, his twin sat in his car without making any movement to start the engine or drive off; he just stared ahead tiredly. Josh had noticed many things about (Y/N) in that brief meal. Some that made him proud… others that made him more upset than he would care to admit.
(Y/N) was her own person. She always had been. A little wild and fun when he had needed it. A little sweet and affectionate when it was important to him. (Y/N) had always been what Josh had needed despite all the bullshit in their lives. Sometimes Josh found himself wishing that he had been more like that for her… maybe she would have kept in touch with him if he had. He was still sour about that. Not that he would ever say anything to her about it, it was her choice to "lose touch" to lose touch after all.
It was becoming all consuming. That one thought; it had been there the whole time just lingering, waiting for it’s chance to spread throughout his waking consciousness. Jake's mentioning it just freed it from its cage. That bag in her purse had clearly dwindled down but the white powder was still seen and could be clearly recalled.
(Y/N) was using again. That was a certainty. The question that Josh kept wondering was; had she ever actually stopped? She… wouldn’t have lied to him about going sober… would she?
Josh slowly came to rest his forehead against the steering wheel, pinching his eyes shut. Those questions were so bitter, absolutely poisonous to his thoughts. Was he just that untrustworthy? Maybe… maybe he had been, at another point in his life. It wasn’t something Josh liked to consider, but perhaps he had lost her trust a long time ago and he had just never noticed.
The feeling of warm sun against his skin lulled him into distant memories, ones that he had tried to feign ignorance to.
(Y/N)’s silhouette barely able to be made out. Her arms spread wide as she spun in circles. Unbothered by the fact that she was dripping from head to toe in some sort of punch. Her dress stuck to her sides as she moved, tracing every slight twist in her torso. Her laughter was what had always been unnerving to think about. How absent it was.
She was standing dead center in the middle of a party. One of those senior parties that you just couldn’t afford to miss if you were invited to. Josh could remember her hair falling but still sticking to her skin, mascara running in dark smudges across her face. Everyone in the room knew that she wasn’t there. (Y/N) was somewhere entirely else. The way she sang her own song out loud made that abundantly clear.
It was one of the first times Josh had seen her like this; lost in some other place. It wouldn’t be the last. It was the beginning of something… unhealthy.
Josh couldn’t remember what he had said to her exactly at that moment. Was it… something along the lines of “Are you stupid?” or “You’re so embarrassing!”, he couldn’t be sure. What Josh did know was that his hands were clenched on her arms tightly not long after that moment. Her eyes reflected the lights floating around the party, and something else… something deeper. (Y/N) was terrified.
Despite how far away she was on everything else… she had been with him for that moment. That moment Josh had shown more anger than he had intended. The fear would only be there for a moment, as recognition came in to replace it.
She squirmed in his grip, “L-let go of me!” She exclaimed, finally able to shake his hands off her person. “I’m fine.” She said in a roar, despite the fact she had stumbled and now was leaning a little to her side.
Her hands rubbing at the spots he had once held in a fanatical way. “I’m more than fine!” She continued, “This is the first time in my… in my whole life I’ve felt… free.” (Y/N) exclaimed, her eyes narrowing at him. “I know you don’t want me to be. But I do!” She sneered.
Josh always remembered her saying that; he didn’t really understand what she had meant until later on when he looked back. (Y/N) had liked him for a lot of their youth… and perhaps the way he had treated her --- always taking and never really giving back, made her feel… suffocated or trapped? That wasn’t all of it… but he knew that certainly was a part of it.
Her arms had soon lifted not long after, “Can you not let me feel free for a little while?” She asked, gesturing out words to the room full of other classmates and other kids that attended the schools in the area. Not many had paid attention; it wasn’t the first time someone's girlfriend had a bad trip or was drunk at one of these parties, they were good at tuning it out. Teenagers tend to be good at that; being very selective in things they wanted to give their concern to.
He knew that she had lost trust in him at that moment, but what he did next only added to it.
Seeing the few lingering looks of concern from people he knew, he felt his cheeks get red with embarrassment. He began to shake his head, “Fine… fine, you’re not my problem anyways.” Josh began to say, pursing his lips a little in annoyance at her behavior. “Be free.” He tells her, stepping back and turning on his heels.
Josh had left her alone at that party. He went off to hang out with another girl, and really didn’t think any more of that moment. He had woken up hungover and just unwilling to budge on his anger towards her for being so embarrassing.
Josh still strongly thought that maybe if he had done something more, even just… took her home? If her trust in him would have healed a little. After that point (Y/N) had become much more secretive, she wouldn’t talk to him about personal things any more like they used to. She wouldn’t tell him who she was hanging around with. Josh had… accepted it. It wasn’t like (Y/N) was his girlfriend, nor was she his property. He didn’t need to know those things, but… it was just a full 180 from where they had been before as friends.
Josh took a long breath. Lifting his head from the steering wheel slowly and glancing out the window to his side. Was Jake right? Should he ask her about it? His hand went to his pocket, tugging free his phone to look at it for a moment.
Eventually though, he tossed it to his side. ‘She wouldn’t tell me even if I did say something…’
(Y/N) sat alone on the floor in her apartment, it was so dreadfully quiet in there. Painfully quiet. The sound of the silence rang around in her ears, making her head spin. Head hitting the wall with a thud. "Fuck…" she let out in a small whine, fingers lacing into her hair.
"Oh… fu-fuck…" she continued choking a little as she shuffled quickly to throw her head out over the open toilet. Her body was revolting; it wanted to rid itself of everything it had been carrying in her stomach till this moment… and it did.
As her body began to scramble to get itself back together, a pause came. All that she could think was, 'What a waste of a good lunch.'
Her hands came to rub at her eyes tiredly. She was so goddamn tired… but, she was in so much pain. This was the process. Every time she had ‘stumbled’ back into it again, she always promised herself it would be the last time. She would try to push through withdrawals… only to use again immediately after.
(Y/N) would never accept the truth.
She was an addict.
//I feel like it’s been forever since I wrote for this series! I both missed it and was.... scared of it...?? Don’t get me wrong! I love this series. I think I just have a high set of expectations for myself as I continue to write it --- despite the fact that I started writing it as like just a fun side thing in my time. This chapter especially was giving me a very hard time. Always making me feel like I was stuck in a writers block situation. Think I was just wanting to write it... properly. It felt like an important chapter and I really didn’t want to fuck it up. But anyways, that’s part four guys. Let me know what y’all think!//
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Bokuto: Clarity
/ Kōtarō Bokuto x reader /
genre: angst ish to questionable fluff
wc: 2604
summary: You end up somewhere familiar, but not with someone familiar. One things for sure, the truth will come out soon enough.
warnings: mentions of anxiety
a/n: You guys!!!!!!!! I’m so glad you all love this fic 🥺 your comments and likes and reblogs encourage me so much!! Thank you so much for your love!!!! 💗💗💗
pt3
///
You wake up in a daze. No, you wake up... in a hotel room? The suite looked just like Bokuto’s, is that where you are? You hoped so.
You picked up your head, peered around the room looking for his things to confirm your suspicions, and lifted your upper body to lean on the headboard of the bed. Suddenly, there are footsteps coming from the bathroom area. “Bokuto?” You inquire, anxious to see his face while you could blame it on the alcohol. A laugh comes from the hallway, and it isn’t his. Oh, oh no.
Atsumu comes around the corner, shirtless and basketball shorts, with a cup of water. He laughs when he sees the horror on your face, thinking it’s a joke. You check your clothing frantically, everything is still buttoned, zipped, and tied. You look up at him, still terrified of the blank space of time from the bar until now, “We didn’t... did we?” Atsumu laughs even harder but then notices the look of panic in your eyes. He straightens up, coughing while handing you Tylenol and the cup of water. “No, of course not. You’re Bo’s girl.”
Those words stung. “Not anymore.” Those words, they really stung. You hadn’t actually had the thought of it being completely over until now. It’s hitting you, wave after wave. Everything went wrong, and now you, you’re suffocating-
“Y/N,” Atsumu’s at the edge of the bed, looking you in the eyes with fear, “please breathe. Take a second and breathe.” You try to hold it in, and take deeper breaths but your heart is pounding so hard in your chest, it feels as though it’s going to burst. The next thing you know, you’re on the ground hugging your knees into your chest as tightly as you can. Your eardrums cut out all other sounds, they were just echoing your heartbeat. With your face turned into the carpet, you’re sobbing breathlessly. Atsumu jumps up and grabs his phone, eyes scared to no end. “I’m calling Kuto, now.”
“N-no, please d-don’t.” You say as strongly as you can. You lift your head and force your breaths to become decently even. “Please give me more time.”
“You know,” he looked down at you with a concerned look, “you need to talk to him soon.”
Your eyes furrowed in distress before saying, “Why should I? It’s quite obvious what went on between them, why should I do anything for him?” You wiped some spare tears still leaving your eyes from your panic attack. “I don’t want to see him-“
“Your first thought when you woke up here,” he motioned around the room, “was that you were with him.” Atsumu stated bluntly, he lifted an eyebrow, “You think I didn’t hear the hope in your voice when you called for him?” You blinked, completely stunned at how he read you so easily. “Also, from what I’ve gathered these past couple of weeks, Tamra isn’t very trustworthy when it comes to telling the truth.”
“She didn’t have to tell me anything,” you sighed heavily, hugging your knees again. “I saw it, ‘Tsumu.” You tried to blink away the tears yet again. “And it wasn’t just a ‘She was close to him and he was close to her’ type deal. It was a ‘She was only wearing a towel and he was shirtless in the hotel suite by themselves, ready to get their room service’ type deal.”
Atsumu looked honestly shocked. He started talking with his hands, “Well, that doesn’t make much sense.” He slightly raised his voice, and you realized he was talking more to himself than to you.
“What do you mean?”
“Kuto, is a simple, oblivious man. When Tamra started talking to him after some of our practice games, they only talked volleyball. I honestly just thought they became friends.” Atsumu pulled his hand to his chin in thought. “They never hung out outside of the courts, unless we all went out to the bar down the street, but even then it was always in a big group.”
“So what are you trying to say to me?”
“What I’m trying to say is that Kuto has texted in our team groupchat about looking for you in the city. He’s given us your complete physical description and told us to call him if any of us see you. We’re told to take you to him as soon as possible.” Atsumu tries to hold in a giggle at the whole situation. “He seems like he’s going out of his mind right now.”
Your face froze. “So, why haven’t you taken me to him? Or even told him that I’m here?”
His smile diminished slightly, “Because of how you were talking about him at the bar.” His face became serious. “You were,” he paused, taking a deep breathe, “ are, so hurt, Y/N. And as much as I don’t truly think he did this to you, there is the smallest of possibilities. And if he did, which God forbid if he did, I don’t think he should have the satisfaction of being able to see you at your lowest. I wanted to sober you up, talk to you first, and then figure it out from there.” Atsumu talked with such kindness, your respect for him instantly grew. “So, what do you think you want to do?”
You sat there for a couple of minutes in silence, ‘Tsumu waiting for your response. You finally looked up, certain, “Call him, and tell him to come here.”
//
“She hasn’t come back to the bar.”
“She hasn’t come by the airport.”
“Her suitcase was left in the hotel, so maybe she’ll come back here?”
No one knew where you were, which Bokuto didn’t expect them to. He just wished for a different way. Wished that he could’ve explained it when he had the chance, wished he wasn’t in such a damning situation in the first place. Bokuto should’ve never trusted Tamra, he should’ve listened to his friends, and now he pays for it.
~
It was the third day of training camp, and Bokuto was completely focused. His practice matches were getting tougher, ralleys taking longer. After a while, he was becoming tired.
“Hey, Bokuto right?” A small voice perked up.
Bokuto turned to face a short, young woman, petite, with a kind smile. She wore a track suit, but not for his team, must’ve been another team’s manager. “Yes?”
“You’re doing great out there! I’ve heard of you before but I didn’t expect this.” She laughed, clutching her clipboard.
Bokuto laughed, scratching the back of his neck. “Thanks!”
He walked back towards his teammates, who were taking a water break, when he heard one of the guys say, “Kuto, I wouldn’t get too close to her, she’s bad news.” Bokuto furrowed his brow in confusion, waiting for the rest of the reason.
“Yeah,” another piped up, “I heard she tried to break up Ushijima and his wife, uh, Kate.”
“Guys, she probably just doesn’t have any friends! She seems nice enough, and you know I would never do anything to hurt, Y/N.” Bokuto’s expression was playful, but his words were dead serious. He truly believed what he said. “Plus, Toshi gets a big head sometimes, I bet that girl said two words to him and he got flustered.” Bokuto laughed, his team looked around for a second and they laughed too, trusting him.
So for the next week and a half, Tamra would speak to Bokuto every once in a while. Always something nice, always something about volleyball. Sometimes about his own experience, other times about how he helps lead the team. Never once did he actually think there was anything going on, because he trusted himself to recognize the signs. He didn’t want anyone other than you, so he didn’t worry about anyone other than you. A couple days later and Tamra has started going to the bar with the whole team. Everyone cutting up, acting like old friends. Everything seemed fine, but then it all went to hell.
Tamra:
‘Kuto, can I come use your shower? The hotel staff says that mine won’t be fixed for a couple of hours and I feel gross.’
Bokuto:
‘Yeah, that’s fine. I’m in room 428.’
Tamra showed up shortly after, and he had just gotten out of the shower. She knocked, and he answered, allowing her to step in. “Thank you so much, I just feel gross.”
“No problem, I understand the feeling.” Bo laughed sheepishly, looking through his drawers for a shirt. He heard her stomach growl, and laughed a booming laugh. “Someone’s hungry?” He looked over at her, and she nodded, giggling. “I haven’t eaten dinner either, I’ll order room service.” She bowed her head slightly in thanks. “What do you want?” He asked, standing to grab the menu from beside the dresser.
“I want.. a burger, and fries, and..” she paused, staring at him trivially. She took a couple of steps forward. She was a breath away from him. “You.” Faster than he could stop her, Tamra kissed Bokuto, hard. Her hands grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him into her unwillingly.
He grabbed her arms and wrenched them off of him. “No.” He breathed hard, using the back of his wrist to wipe his mouth. His eyes darkened slightly with anger. “No, do not do that again.”
“But, I thought-“
“No, you thought wrong. I have a fiancé, remember?” He looked at her confused, as if she hadn’t heard him talk about you for the last 2 weeks at all. Her eyes looked desperate. “How-“
“I’m so sorry!” Tamra blurted, holding a hand to her chest. She looked as if she had been wounded as she turned her face away. “I am so so sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I guess, I just wasnt thinking. Please forgive me, I don’t want this to be held against me.” As fast as the anger came, it also left. Bokuto felt bad for her, and she looked ashamed of herself enough.
“Okay. Just do not do it again. I am only a friend.” He said, and walked towards the hotel phone. “Once you’re out of the shower, the food will be here, but I would rather you go to your own room to eat.”
“Okay, I can do that.” She said in a small voice.
Bokuto watched her stalk towards the bathroom, and went about ordering room service. What he didn’t see was the sly smile on Tamra’s face, or her calculating moves up until this point. She had made herself look innocent, but in reality, she had a plan. She wanted the scandal, and the chaos that came with it.
~
‘And she got it.’ Bokuto thought to himself. ‘She definitely got it.’ A sudden buzz took him out of his head, saved him from his thoughts. He lifted the phone to his ear, not even bothering to look at the caller. “Y/N?”
“No, but I do need to talk to you about her. Come to my room, ASAP.” Atsumu said calmly.
Bokuto looked at his phone, not believing that Atsumu really wanted to help. “I’m confused, you weren’t at the bar tonight, what do you know exactly?”
“Come to room 317, this is important.” Atsumu seemed very serious about this.
“I’m on my way.”
///
The hotel room was cold, so you had to cover yourself in the bed’s blankets to keep from shivering. Everything felt too foggy. You were sobering up quick, the thought of having to look him in the face making you shiver on its own. A knock came from the door and you glanced over at Atsumu, the mix of emotions becoming too much. He was already looking at you, waiting for the okay. You steadied yourself, giving him a nod. He moved swiftly to the entryway of the suite, and opened the door. You couldn’t see him, but you could hear his voice. “What do you know?” Bokuto rasped, walking in. He followed Atsumu’s gaze and finally found you, his golden eyes softening.
You froze under his intense stare. His eyes taking the sight of you in. You hadn’t even thought to have taken a look at yourself, you probably looked how you felt, like a train wreck. He took a step toward you, and you made sure to stay still, knowing, with the look on his face, he was hurting too.
“Y/N?” He took another step forward, lifting his hand as if he was holding it out for you.
Atsumu, grabbing his car keys, sighed. “Well, I’ll let you two talk this out.”
Bokuto turned toward him, his face flashing with anger, making him stop in his tracks, “We will have our own talk later.” Atsumu opened the door quickly, leaving in a flash.
“Don’t be too upset at him.” You whispered softly. Bokuto turned his complete attention to you, sitting on his knees by your bedside. “He only did what he did to help me, and you.”
A silence fell between you two as you stared at each other. Bokuto looked disheveled, his hair down, his clothes were wrinkled, and his face. Oh, his face, so sad. And his eyes were not as bright. He looked tired. “Y/N,” he muttered softly, “please let me explain.”
He waited for your permission, but you sat there silently. “Will it make everything better, or worse?” He looked down, his mind, no doubt, moving hundreds of miles a second. You spoke up, and he looked back up at you. “Because tonight, I was broken. I felt as though I was forgotten, that I wasn’t needed in the same way that I need you. I felt as though I had been replaced.” You breathed shakily, tears already forming in your eyes. His expression dropped immediately, tears streaking down his face. “Will what you say make me forget these things? Will what you say to me make me see you clearly?” You looked down at your hands, holding them together, as if they were holding you together. The flesh around your ring turned white, along with your knuckles, because of how tightly you pressed them.
Bokuto’s left hand covered your own, and you noticed a small glint of something shiny. There, on his ring finger, was his wedding ring you had chosen. Your breath hitched as you stared at his hand, at his finger, at the ring. “Y/N,” he started, but you already unclasped your hands and was holding his.
“You,” looking him in the eye, “you put it on.”
“Of course I did.” He smiled sadly, wiping a tear from his cheek. His eyes suddenly shot up and looked at his hand frantically, bringing his hand back. His fingers grazed his ring, “If you don’t want me to wear it anymore I can take it off, I would understand-“
“No!” You said hastily, his eyes getting wide. “No, it’s okay.” Your eyes softened, and you gently grabbed his hand and brought it back down to your lap. “Do you like it?”
He chuckled slightly, putting his other hand on yours. “I absolutely love it.” You smiled at him and he smiled back, but then his eyes glazed over. His face fell, and you knew what was going to happen next. “As much as I don’t want to, we have to talk about this, so we can move on.” He spoke timidly. “So we can be happy again.” You sat there, unmoving. He waited for your permission to continue. You nodded firmly.
Will you have the clarity you want- you need? You hope so.
///
Part 4 will be the last chapter and should be up in a couple of days :))
Update: heres part 4 :)
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TITTLE: FBI Charity Blind Date Night
SUMMARY: For last four years FBI has been organizing a lot of events for charities. One of them are blind dates. This year Emily, Penelope and Derek decided to join in with Hotch’s name. Let’s just say, that at first he’s not the happiest person in the world.
PAIRING: female! reader x Aaron Hotchner
CHARACTERS: reader, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia (at the beginning), Angela, Olivia (OCs), Daivd Rossi and Spencer Reid (literally mentioned once)
WARNINGS: none (?), it’s just fluff and cuteness, I mean they go to the hospital, nothing bad happens, but be aware of errors and mistakes. ALSO in this story Jack is not born, not sure why just thought it would fit better. ALSO2: CAC - Crimes Against Children Unit
WORD COUNT: 4,5K
A/N: i’ve had a long break from writing and with this new year I decided to break it. there’re probably a lot of mistakes, so feel free to correct me. english is not my first language and i’m doing this just for fun!
'Did you send everything correctly? Are you sure?', Emily asked looking over Penelope's shoulder. She tried to keep up with whatever blonde woman was doing, but it was hard since she was moving so fast with her work.
'Yes! Who do you think I am?', Penelope answered with raised voice. Her head was shaking but eyes still glued to the screen. 'Can't you just trust me?'
'I do, we all do. But don't you think it's weird, that we still didn't get anything from-', Emily argued, but didn't even finish the sentence as her work phone started to make sound. She quickly picked it up with short 'hello' and was listening to whoever was on the other side. Her face was slowly changing as more and more words were going through the phone. Emily's eyebrows were risen and eyes bigger, scanning the room around her. Finally she nodded quickly and after adding short 'of course', she put the phone down. 'Hotch wants to see us.', Emily explained.
'Oh god.', was all Penelope could say. She stood up quickly, putting her laptop down on Emily's desk. 'I guess he got the message. Today's the day we die.', she added as dark haired woman also stood up, nodding
'Come on, Derek. You're going with us.', Emily pointed at him, raising her eyebrow.
'Me? I didn't even do anything!', man defended himself.
'It's all your fault anyway. You came up with the idea. Come on.', she added.
'Fine, but to be fair it's our idea. You're as much in it as I am. Just so we're clear.', Derek pointed out, as Emily rolled her eyes. 'Let's go.'
Derek's words were like a signal, because after that all three of them moved towards the Chief's office. They knew it was coming sooner or later. They would be called to see Hotch, he probably would be angry at what have they done, maybe furious and that's it. Maybe they would get more paper work to do. But it was unavoidable, Hotch would find out sooner or later. And some like Derek would prefer it to be sooner, but some like Emily or Penelope - later.
Derek was the one to lead the way to Agent Hotchner's office, with two women right behind him. He knocked two times one the door and opened them after hearing 'come in' from inside. Aaron was sitting in his chair, focused on papers in front of him. Pen in one hand, tracing text that for most people was really hard to understand.
All three agents looked around just to see any signs, that they could help. They paid a lot of attention to the big desk with a lot of papers on it, but everything was the same. Nothing too suspicious, but then in front of there were three chairs. Not one or two as usual. Like especially for them.
'Everything's okay?', Penelope was the first one to break the silence.
'Yes.', Aaron’s answer was short as he looked up from his papers with a raised brow. 'Is there a reason why something's should not be okay?'
'No. Of course no, sir.', blonde woman laughed as all three of them walked more inside the room.
'You wanted to see us?', Emily asked, her voice was quieter than usual.
'Did I?', Aaron answered back with an questions, putting his pen down. All three of the agents looked at each other with confused faces.
'Emily said-'
'What exactly did Emily said?', he asked. Aaron tilted his head, waiting for an answer. His face was stoic and stern as usual, very hard to read for any of them.
'Emily said you wanted to see us.', Derek answered. His eyebrows were furrowed, with thousands thoughts going through his mind per second. He was very much present when dark haired woman got the phone call, but all of the sudden he wasn't sure about it anymore. Maybe she heard something different? Or mixed up his words?
Hotch just nodded slowly. He moved his eyes from Derek to Emily, who was confused with this whole situation. She knew what he said, but just to be one hundred percent sure she went through the short conversation they had, like fifty more times.
'You said, and I quote, 'I want to see you in my office as fast as you can'.', Emily said slowly, her hands in front. It's like she was trying to calm herself down from this confusing situation.
'Exactly. I didn't specify who 'you' is.', man sitting in the chair said, like it was the most obvious thing on the world.
'Oh my God.', Penelope said, waving hands in front of her face as if she was trying to stop the tears. You could visibly see Emily's shoulders going down, her letting out breath she was holding for a long time. Derek just let out quiet laugh and shook his head.
'But since all three of you came here, then I guess something's happened.', he added, putting his hands together on top of the desk. 'You did something, that you know you shouldn't do and now you're just waiting for the consequences. That's why all three of you came here together.'
'I thought we weren't suppose to profile each other.', Derek said.
'Yes, especially when not everyone in the room is a profiler.', Penelope added with a firm nod.
'Garcia, you don't need to be a profiler to see all three of you having weird conversations, barely working in the office and basically being constantly out of place.'
'We didn't do anything wrong.', Derek said, pointing at all three of agents.
'Okay.', Aaron said quickly nodding. 'But next time when you put name that isn’t yours somewhere, you make that person is aware that you're doing this. And they give you their consent.'
'We didn't put anyone's name anywhere', Emily finally said something after, what felt like, hours of standing in their boss's office.
'Agent Hotchner, we write to thank you for joining our 4th annual FBI Charity Blind Date Night. Don't worry we'll make sure to choose precisely your date, just they way you put it in our questionnaire. Thank you so much and see you in February!', man read the email he got few hours ago.
‘You don’t have any proof, that it’s us, sir.’, Penelope said, her voice cracking at the end. Derek just sighed and closed his eyes, knowing how screwed up they are. ‘Anyone could do this!’
‘True, but you three are on the first place.’, he said like it was something obvious. The rest just looked a bit confused how they were first suspects, which made older man sigh. ‘The next one was Rossi, but he’s been out of town for the last few days. In the past he tried to set me up for few dates, but I don’t think he would do it through blind date, that you have to do questionnaire before. Who’s next?’, he asked, making his thinking face for a second, before continuing. ‘JJ? She has her own life and two kids to take care of. I don’t think she would have time to play with something like this. Oh and on top of that, she doesn’t put herself in someone else’s business. The last one is Reid and we all know, that he didn’t do it.’
‘But you have no proof, that all of us did it.’, Penelope started. Her hands were shaking and she started rambling, not knowing how to get out of that situation.
When Derek and Emily came to her with this whole idea of putting their boss in a blind date she didn’t know what to think about it. She thought that maybe it was a good thing. After divorcing Haley and breaking up with Beth, Hotch didn’t do much dating, or at least that they knew about. And Penelope thought that someone like Aaron Hotchner deserves to be happy. He deserves to laugh with someone who he likes and is not necessarily in a team or a friend of his. She wanted him to have a person, who would be with him in tough times and would take care of him when he needed it. Hotch is a tough person, but Penelope Garcia strongly believed, that there’s a person in this world who would understand him. He just needed to start looking and if she could help, she would do it.
Of course there’s also a lot of guilt, because whether she liked it or not, she was messing with his boss’s personal life. And how would they even tell Hotch about the fact, that they put him into FBI blind date. Penelope knew he would be furious and angry. So this kind of reaction was weird for her. Hotch wasn’t screaming, showing any anger. Nothing. Maybe a little annoyed, but that’s it.
‘Penelope.’, Derek started, trying to make her stop. She was only making it worse, by digging the topic.
‘You can be mad at us all you want, but a date would be a good thing for you.’, Emily started, making Hotch raise his eyebrows. Derek just groaned in the back, wishing for it to be over. ‘You know, sometimes it’s good to get out of your comfort zone.’
‘My comfort zone?’, he repeated.
‘Yes.’, dark haired girl answered. She put her hands together in front of her, not knowing where she’s exactly going with this conversation. ‘You have to go out sometimes, Hotch. Have conversation with someone, that’s not us. Have a meal, that wasn’t pre made months ago, drink wine and make jokes. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet someone wonderful.’, she ended, going closer and closer to the man as she was going on with her speech.
‘I’m not in a mood for a relationship, Prentiss.’, Aaron shook his head, putting some papers together on his desk.
‘That’s why we put you on a ‘friendship list’. It means, that you’re there as a friend and for chairty, not really looking for a lover.’, Penelope said quickly, stepping forward towards Emily.
‘The answer is still ‘no’, so please cancel my application.’, he shook his head, looking at the papers in his hands. When he hear any movements or complaint from the three agents in the room, he looked at them again. ‘I will pay the charity in return. And I guess you had to put some money into it too, so I will pay it off. But please withdraw my name from the list.’
‘But sir.’, Penelope started again, bringing his attention. ‘Maybe you should consider what Emily’s said. You know, new experiences.’, she added with nervous laugh.
‘So what’s the bet about?’, Hotch asked, leaning back with curious face.
‘If you go Rossi said, that he’ll do our reports for a month.’, Emily said after few seconds of debating if she should actually say anything else.
‘And if I don’t?’
‘We have to do this for a year.’, Derek admitted.
‘Please, Hotch.’, Emily begged, coming closer to his desk and leaning on it. She looked into his eyes for few seconds, trying to get some mercy from him. ‘I’m still half way through Reid’s reports from last month. I can’t lose this one!’
‘Well, you should’ve thought about this before going into another bet.’, Aaron answered, trying to keep his stern face, but Derek saw one side of his lips rising for a split of a second. ‘Now like I said, withdraw my name from that list and please go back to work. All of you. You can go and please close the door.’, he added. After finishing the sentence he went back to his paper, waiting for them to leave and when they did, he just couldn’t stop himself from small smile.
'I thought you wanted to go.', Angela said as we entered my office. She had one of the flyers of the charity events that she took from the entrance to the FBI building.
'Yeah, I did. But half of kids at the kindergarden are sick, I have a feeling, that Olivia is next.', you said, putting bag on the desk. You turn around to your friend and gave her apologetic smile. 'And I don’t wanna leave my sick child with my sister-in-law. She already helps me enough.'
'I'm sorry.', Angela just said, not knowing how to actually react. 'I know, that after last year you wanted to go.'
'Yeah, it sounded pretty fun.', you nodded. 'Plus it would be nice to finally get a kiss on the lips. Or talk to someone in full sentences.'
'Excuse me?', Angela joked, pointing at herself.
'Outside of this office.', you shook head, letting out quick chuckle.
'Someday you'll find someone. I'll make sure of this.', she said, coming closer to you. She stopped for a second and gave you quick hug, trying to make you feel better.
'It'll be kind of hard. Usually when they find out, that I have three year old child, they run. If they don't, then they get scared when I tell them I work for the FBI. And when I go on a date with agent they usually do this, because I'm a Unit Chief and have connections with a lot of important people here.', you explained with a sigh. 'I was excited for this blind date not only for meeting new people, but also because we will be on the same position. I won't be used and person who will be choosen for me would understand where I come from.'
'I know.', she said truthfully, caressing your shoulders. 'You know what? Screw it. I'll take care of Olivia.'
'Really?', you said shocked about the proposition. You knew, that Angela was the last person on earth who would offer herself to take care of kids. It's not like she hated them, just she's not the best with them. Mainly the youngest ones. But kids found their ways to her. Especially Olivia. She always loved being next to Angela and you could be sure, that she would be happy to have her as a babysitter for few hours.
'But it's just this one time.', Angela reminded, putting one of her fingers in front of your face. You immediately agreed and hugged her as a thank you.
'So? How do I look?', you asked after walking to the kitchen. You looked at both Angela and your daughter sitting at the dinning table, consuming their supper. Your friend made circles with her fingers, asking you to turn around so she could see the back of the dress.
When the email with the set up date finally came, you were the most excited since you could even remember. It was something you looked forward to for days or maybe even weeks now. Nobody in your team didn't know about this, except Angela. And she also was very excited for you. Whenever you had breaks from cases, she would come with new ideas for a dress or make up. And even though she'd be brushed off, you actually liked it.
For a long time you had no idea what to wear. Should it be something less formal? Or full on glam outfit? But when Angela came to you with a picture of navy bodycon dress, you knew it's the one. She advised you to wear it with simple black sandals and light make up, adding darker lipstick.
'Mommy! You're so pretty!', Olivia exclaimed from her chair. She still had her mouth full from the sandwich, that you made her few minutes ago. You could see her be really excited about this night, not because you're going out, but mainly that she's gonna be playing with Angela.
'Thank you, sweetheart.', you skilled, coming closer to them. 'I'm gonna be out for few hours and you're gonna be with aunt Angela, okay?', you explained, playing with her hair. Little girl nodded, taking another bite of her sandwich. Then you stood up facing your friend. 'Okay I should be back before midnight. If I don't call you and I'm not home, then you can track my car or phone.'
'Of course, as always.', she said with a wink, which made you laugh.
'And remember, if anything happens - call me. You've been in this house so many times, so you know where everything is. But if you're unsure or Olivia does something, call me okay?', you said, raising a brow.
'Hey! Don't use your 'I'm your boss' voice!', she said, putting finger in front of your face, which made you laugh.
'That's actually my 'mom' voice.', you shook your head.
‘Doesn’t matter. Just go before you’re late.’, she said, pushing you out of the room. ‘Remember it’s really bad to be late for a date, but it’s just awful to be late on a date with FBI agent.’
Aaron was sitting in one of three restaurants, that bureau offered to cover the expenses in. He told Penelope and Emily many times to pick the table somewhere in the corner, where he and the person who was a match to him wouldn’t be in a center of attention. It was a really long time since he went on a actual date or even out with someone, that’s not on his team. For a really long time he hated this whole idea. But the one night he was sitting in his flat with a glass of whiskey and thought, that maybe, but just maybe, it’s a good idea. That maybe Emily was right?
‘I’m really sorry, I’m late.’, female voice took Aaron out of his thoughts. He looked up, expected to see someone familiar, but that wasn’t the case. He thought, that maybe it would be someone that he knew. It definitely would be easier, than starting from zero.
But even if Aaron didn’t know personally the person he’s meeting, maybe he could just recognize the face? Place it with unit, that they’re working in or at least department. But as you appeared it didn’t ring any bell. Aaron furrowed his eyebrows, which made you immediately confused and started looking around.
‘You’re from FBI, correct?’, you asked, pointing at him and then at the back, getting more and more nervous. ‘The woman in front told me to go to table number eight. And that’s it, but maybe I said something wrong and she didn’t understand-’
‘I am.’, Aaron said immediately, standing up from his seat. ‘I was just expecting someone-’
‘Different?’, you asked, smiling a bit.
‘No, no!’, he answered right away with his hands in front, like he was trying to stop you from something. ‘Someone, that I know.’, he ended, explaining.
‘Oh, of course.’, you nodded. ‘I’m Y/N Y/L/N.’, you extended your hand with greeting, after what seemed like liftime in silence.
‘Aaron Hotchner.’, he answered, shaking your hand gently. Then he motioned to the table. You just nodded as both of you sat down. ‘Which department are you from? Sorry to be put it so bluntly, I just don’t think I’ve ever met you in the bureau.’
‘CAC.’, you answered, looking up from the menu. ‘I came here from New York few months ago. Got offered Unit Chief position, better salary - guess didn’t have to think through it twice.’, you shrugged.
‘That explains a lot.’, Aaron said with small nods. You just raised a brown, silently asking the same thing he did few seconds ago. ‘I’m from BAU.’
‘Oh ‘The Dream’ unit.’, you said. The statement made Aaron very much confused. ‘When I arrived in Quantico, there were actually quite a lot of changes and I had to hire new agent to my team. And about half of them started the interview with ‘well my dream is to be in BAU, but this unit could be a good start’.’, you explained.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault. More of a complement. It’s very rare, that most of agents, that want to work in a field also want to work in your team. And I’ve also heard only good stuff about BAU.’, you said, trying to keep the conversation light.
In fact this was the last time your conversation went to the topic of work. As soon as some of the comments, that either one made, were about work, you immediately would change the topic. You promised yourself, and Angela of course, that today won’t be about work. It’ll be about having fun and going out with not-so-stranger.
Aaron saw the effort that you made and he actually really liked it. No work, no phones, no cases, no murders. Just the two of you, great food and wine, that he didn’t even drink yet. He didn’t expect it but he was actually having a good time. So this one time he would answer his previous question: Emily Prentiss was, in fact, right.
‘Excuse me for a second.’, you said, hearing vibrations of your phone from the bad. Aaron just nodded, understanding as you opened bag and looked for phone. When it was found, you immediately opened it and panicked right away.
3 missed calls
2 unread messages
9:39 I know I was supposed to call only when there’s an emergency, but I think it is.
10:21 We’re going to ER.
‘Everything’s okay?’, Aaron asked, observing very closely your reactions.
‘I-I have to go.’, you said stuttering. You picked your bag and coat, wanting to leave as fast as you can. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘What happened?’, he stood up quickly. He grabbed you by the arm, stopping from leaving the room.
'My daughter is in a hospital. And my friend, that's babysitting her won't tell me what happened.', right away the worst scenarios came to your head. What's could actually happen, that the two of them had to go to the emergency room? Did she broke a bone? Or just hit herself and needed few stitches? Or maybe she fell down the stairs and is unconscious? The questions, that were driving you crazy.
'Let's go.', Aaron just nodded and took you out of the restaurant, after paying for the whole meal.
'Wait, no. I can't ask you to come with me. I've already ruined your evening.', you shook your head as Aaron was taking you to his car.
'Don't worry about it. We can do it on a different day.', he waved you off, getting into his car. The comment caught you off guard a little. And you didn't even realize, that you were still standing on the streets until Aaron knocked on the window, getting your attention.
'Sorry.', you whispered, getting inside. He just started the engine and drove as fast as he could to the hospital that Angela land Olivia were at. 'Wait. Different day? We'll meet on a different day?', you asked, thinking about the whole conversation from few minutes ago. He laughed at how at first you didn't realize what he meant.
'If you want of course.', Aaron explained, getting slow nod from you. It was still funny for him how long it took you to get through it all. 'Look, I'm not a parent, but I can just assume, that your daughter comes first for you.'
'True.', you agreed.
'So, I could make huge scene about how you literally stormed out of our date.', he continued to explain his thoughts. 'Or just understand where you come from and help you.'
'Thank you.', you said, looking at him for the first time since you walked inside the car.
'No problem.', he said with a smile.
If it wasn’t for Aaron, you would probably be panicked, running around the hospital. Well, you still were panicked and scared of what exactly happened, but he made you a bit calmer. Told you to step back and he was asking all questions of where to go and what happened.
After twenty minutes the two of you ended up of third floor. Your heart was beating so fast, searching for either Angela or Olivia, but you couldn’t see them anywhere.
‘Y/N, you have to calm down. It won’t help-’, Aaron started, grabbing your arm. You stopped, but didn’t look at him, only scanning the room. And then you saw it. Familiar dark hair and the handbag you bought her for Christmas.
‘Angela!’, you called her name, bringing the attention. Woman turned around and let out deep breath, being visibly relieved.
‘Oh my God!. You’re finally here. I didn’t know how long I could keep her attention. She was constantly asking for you.’, Angela said. Then she looked behind you, seeing Aaron running after you. ‘Sorry for ruining the night.’, she whispered.
‘It’s okay.’, you shook your head. ‘What even happened? I leave you for few hours and you end up in hospital.’
‘We just were having fun.’, she explained and you just raised a brow. ‘Okay, we were playing tag. And then Olivia got tired, so we sat down on your bed. Then obviously she wasn’t tired anymore and started jumping up and down on your bed. And she asked me to join her, so I did. And then it broke.’, she started talking very fast and chaotic.
‘You broke my bed?’, you asked as if that was the only thing you could make out of whatever she said.
‘But I didn’t mean it. I tried really hard.’
‘And where’s Olivia now?’, you asked, trying not to get angry.
‘They took her to a cat scan. Doctor said, that her arm is probably broken.’, Angela explained, seeing you get more and more annoyed. ‘Anyway, nurses asked for legal guardian or parent, so I’m gonna go and tell her, that you’re here.’
You nodded and let her go. Your eyes were closed and head hanged down for few seconds. Were you angry? Yes. Were you annoyed? Yes. But your daughter was fine. She was alive and even though having a toddler with broken arm won’t be fun thing, you’d take it.
‘Again I’m sorry.’, you turned around to Aaron. He was still standing behind you, just watching the whole situation. ‘I won’t hold you up anymore, you can go. Thank you for everything.’
‘It’s not a problem for me to stay. If you-’, he said, coming closer to you.
‘You’ve done a lot for me today. Beside we have work tomorrow. So let it just be one of us who’s gonna stay up all night.’, you cut him. Aaron just nodded, understanding everything.
‘So, until next time?’, he asked, slowly taking few steps back.
‘That would be amazing.’, you answered. But then realized something. ‘Hey, but I don’t have-’, you started and put hands in coat pockets. Then felt something in one of them. You took it out and made on ‘oh’ sound as you read: Aaron Hotchner, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Behavioral Analysis Unit with phone number. You looked up to look at him one last time. Aaron just shot you a huge small and waved before turning around and going to the elevators.
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Migraine Drabbles!
This is dedicated to my sibling @mccall-me-maurice. Said sibling A) gets really bad headaches, and B) when we were playing Taboo, knew me well enough to shout out “Pedro Pascal!” for the word Actor. I almost said Sexy, but that’s okay I guess. Also, said sibling reads all the shit I write. I did not know that. I do not know how to feel about that. I am so sorry you are experiencing my thirst Mack.
Taglist: @phoenixhalliwell
Din Djairn:
“What do you need from me?”
Din’s not the best at migraines. Sure he gets them sometimes, but only when his HUD’s on the fritz. But he knows well enough how to care for someone with a migraine. The Crest is full of dark nooks and crannies and he makes you lie down in one. He’ll bring medicine, but if that doesn’t help, he’ll let you sleep in his pitch black and completely silent bunk. Occasionally, he’ll bring you some caf because he read somewhere that caffeine is good for migraines. If you’re feeling well enough, he’ll cuddle you too.
Marcus Moreno:
“Oh darling, it’s okay.”
Marcus was a whole hero, he knows what migraine pain is. He doesn’t get them anymore, but he did. When you get one, he’s all over you, ushering you into the guest bedroom and pulling the curtains tight. He’ll text Missy and let her know you’re sleeping, and leave you with a cup of coke and some pills. He’s got the good shit, the prescription strength stuff that actually works. If you’re still in pain, he’ll simply lay there with you, cuddling. He knows that pain, and he knows what it’s like to suffer it alone.
Max Phillips:
“Doll, what’s wrong?”
Max’s first idea is to Turn you. When you refuse that, he takes to the internet. He offers you his room because it’s window-less, and then just leaves. If he’s out of the house, it’s guaranteed to be silent. He comes back eventually, bringing pills, caffeine, and a confused Evan. Evan walks him through migraine relief and then scoots, leaving Max to lay beside you. He’s surprisingly tender, and his night vision means he can read in the darkness while you nap. Of course, he does still offer to Turn you, because your pain would go away.
Frankie ‘Catfish’ Morales:
“Keep it down, everything hurts.”
Boy oh boy if anyone understands, it’s Frankie. He gets chronic migraines too, so when yours happen at the same time, the entire house is completely dark, there’s two cups of coke on the bedside table, and you and Frankie will lay there in bed together, just waiting for the pain to go away. If he doesn't have a migraine, he’ll leave you the hell alone so you can rest. He’s not going to bother you and potentially make it worse. He will do chores very quietly, just to ease your mind as you recover.
Jack ‘Whiskey” Daniels:
“Baby doll, I gottchu.”
Jack may not be the best with migraines, but Ginger is! When you admit you get them frequently, Jack requests that Ginger teach him everything she knows. He’s ready for when your next migraine strikes. Taking you to his office, he’ll let you lie on the couch with a thick blanket, blackout curtains, a coke, and complete silence. He’ll work in the background, and while his gentle humming of various Dolly Parton songs doesn’t help, it makes you happy. Once he’s done with the work, he’ll lay with you, massaging the sore spots and finally helping.
Ezra:
“Songbird, would you like a drink?”
Another man who actually gets migraines! After the Green, he gets terrible headaches, and when he meets you, he finally feels some sort of kinship. That kinship leads to you both knowing each other’s cures. Despite having one hand, Ezra gives very good head massages, and he’s actually capable of shutting up if he has to, and you know the exact amount of pain pills Ezra needs to take (it’s 5). But when you both have migraines, yeah, Cee’s doing the housework and making sure you both sleep. She’s surprisingly responsible about that stuff.
Shane ‘Dio’ Morrissey:
“You’re not feeling well?”
Ah, the epitome of clueless but loving. He has no idea what to do, but his room has blackout curtains, would that help? He doesn’t do medication, so he’ll run out to grab some if you want it. Coke? He probably has a can or two. He loves you so much, and he hates seeing you in pain, so he’ll do anything. After a while, he gets it on lock. He’ll even not smoke when you’re around because he knows it can trigger headaches. His cold ass hands are also super nice pressed against your temples.
Javier Peña:
“Cariño, please let me help.”
He feels so hopeless! He can’t do anything for your head and he hates being so useless. But he does what he can, drawing the curtains and forcing you to rest in Steve’s apartment because Javi’s smells strongly of cigarettes. He’ll come over, sitting on the bed with your head in his lap, trying anything he can think of to help. His hands are super warm, so he’ll resort to a cold towel. He’s hesitant about giving you coffee, so he makes caffeinated tea. Pills don’t do much, but he’ll make you take them anyway.
Maxwell Lord:
“A migraine? Okay, what do you want?”
Max gets headaches sometimes, and he just doesn’t understand, so he’ll give you some pills and tell you to relax a bit. When you puke from the pain, then he’s concerned. He’ll listen, setting you up in his room with a cold towel and a cup of water. He’ll find a nice tea and make you a cup, canceling every meeting he has for the rest of the day so he can relax with you. He’ll work at the desk in the room while you sleep, but if you insist, he’ll cuddle up.
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Rin Matsuoka relationship hcs
This is quite the hefty post, since I’ve tried to cover as many aspects of the relationship as possible (both SFW and NSFW), but if any of you liked a particular (set) of hc(s), feel free to hit my ask box and I will elaborate on it/them with a drabble or maybe even a full-sized fic (if your patience is otherworldly).
where does one even begin
this relationship would be full of everything from extreme sap, to extreme drama to extreme romance to extreme steam- literally nothing missing, aka you just can’t possibly get bored
you better expect this boi to go to the ends of hell for you because that’s exactly what he’s going to do and if you’re not ready to do the same for him you may walk yourself out the door, sir
also, a relationship with a world-class athlete ain’t easy- you have to brace yourself for a whole lot of time spent apart, not only because of his competitions and whatnot, but also because of his incessant training- an integral and necessary part of his career
but not only do you have to prepare yourself mentally for the long-distance-despite-not-being-long-distance aspect, you have to remember that he is constantly under massive pressure too
being super clingy and complaining all the damn time is a massive no from your girl here
but to get into the actual relationshippy things
this boi would absolutely love the idea of matching jewellery
you know the way he’s always wearing some sort of bracelet or necklace
yeah he’d totally get you two a bracelet or something after a good while of the relationship because-
-he’d also be the kind to take everything slow
so he’s super passionate as we all know, but he’s not really a rash person
he’s definitely grown a lot and I feel that many people actually keep labelling him as the dude he used to be when he was 17 and was a teeny tiny bit of an asshole
however, he really thinks things through and realises the importance of pacing in a relationship
I mean yeah if you’re good with it early on it’s not like he’d wait 3 months to have sex or anything
I just mean that he wouldn’t be throwing in unnecessarily grand gestures like saying I love you at 1 month and a half, especially if you haven’t even known each other that long, like you were just classmates or something for a year or so and then decided to date
in fact, during the relationship, he wouldn’t really drop the 3 words all that often I guess
it’s not really because he just gets flustered sometimes-he’s not 15 anymore-it’s actually because he strongly believes in their meaning and doesn’t want to trivialise it
I guess this is part of his Japanese side that hasn’t changed at all despite the foreign influence from early on in his life and also at present, at university
so when he says it, it’s a really important moment
that, or he’s just pent up so much love towards you that he just had to express it directly
he’d be very good with words, though
as he still has this tendency to express his sentimentality rather indirectly, he has mastered the technique of making you feel things with simple words, but carefully chosen ones
also, he’d be real big on affectionate gestures
this boi would really be the kind to gift you random things for absolutely no reason and buy you flowers
when he’s in public with you he wouldn’t really do more than hold your hand and occasionally give you a peck or something,
but when you two are alone he’d really enjoy either lounging with you combing his hair with your fingers while he’s lying on your lap
or hugging you from behind when you’re doing random things just to surprise you and see your reaction
couple workouts! but fear not, not the cringe yoga and him doing push-ups with you on his back kind of workout- rather, him lending you a hand, sometimes jogging together and just generally the two of you doing your own thing together
bonus: Rin stealing some appreciative glances at you amidst your intense workout session, which can either lead to a candid, loving compliment, or would trigger some ;;;;;) moment in him which will catch up on you unknowingly later during the day (or, should I say, night ;;;;) )
bonus x2: seeing him sweaty, panting and gawking in awe at his perfectly sculpted muscles which are flexing before your very eyes... damn
one of his best looks would be his black tank top with a pair of sweats, a look he generally wears around the apartment and which, despite being as casual as you can get, is a genuine gift from God
nevermind all of his very well coordinated looks which make all the lasses turn their heads on the street
which brings me to-
-shopping dates and him helping you choose what to wear when you’re going somewhere
even though you’re not together at that moment, if you’re in a quandary as to what to wear for a specific event, snap him a few pics of the outfits, or just ask him directly (yes, he remembers what clothes you have- a scarily good ability) and he’ll give you a whole ass run down of why this one’s good but that one’s better etc etc
also, since we’re on the topic of pics;)
this boi would LOOVE taking selfies with you! just imagine: two dorks making peace signs in the most adorable selfie ever
he’d be a bit shy about using cute filters but you’d end up taking cat whisker selfies with him in no time
but also
since the relationship involves so much time apart
texting (and sexting) can be a really important part of your relationship (here you can read my Rin texting headcanons)
he’d make you feel like a goddess most of the time, because he really appreciates your hard work
but whenever you’re in a slump he’d be your number 1 source of motivation
it’s really different when you see someone you don’t really know who becomes successful and whatever, but when the man you know so intimately and who you’re so close to is that person, achieving your goals really becomes more realistic
after all, sometimes you need motivation from external sources too, there’s nothing wrong with that
a very healthy relationship indeed, you two would psych each other up and be there for each other, teach each other things and be an inspiration to one another
but hey lemme give you some NSFW because I know you were looking for this part
i’m just gonna say this, Rin is a whole ass dom who really loves pleasing
and teasing
so don’t expect anything without at least a little bit of teasing
enjoys positions in which he can see you (and your facial expressions) properly, positions in which he can kiss you, nibble on your earlobe, you got it
not to say that he doesn’t enjoy taking you from behind
actually, do expect some nice desk/table/kitchen counter action
he’s not vanilla but he’s not necessarily kinky either
so he’d be up for the occasional roleplay, the occasional tying you up, occasional cosplay, you know
things he usually does include: biting (your neck, collarbone, ear, lip, thighs, sides of your abdomen), edging, breath play if you’re really into it, a lot of goddamn whispering in your ear and around your neck, does it make sense if I say suave dirty talk? like he wouldn’t use curse words, he’d just say things in such a manner that he’s using rather sweet words which end up sounding sexy and a bit indecent
sex with him would definitely feel more like lovemaking rather than a good fucking if you get my gist
aka imagine less of whatever porn scenario you have in mind with very rough handling and imagine more of a really jazzy kind of thing, even when you’re spicing it up with different things
actual rough sex with him would occur, but really not often at all
i guess i can narrow it down to passionate and extremely sensual
the boi really gets off to your being extra pleased, so expect long sessions
get ready to be worshipped, you goddess, both in and outside of the bedroom
he probably won’t let this show too much, but he’s the kind who would be absolutely ruined if you broke up with him or things weren’t working well
but you’d never see that, because he’s matured a lot and he knows how to pull through difficulties
he’d cook for you super often! whether you know how to cook or not really doesn’t concern him because you bet he’ll wine and dine you all the freaking time
and he’ll cherish whatever you cook, even if it’s some underdressed salad, or slightly overcooked eggs with toast
he really deserves all the love that he can get
the relationship definitely won’t be smooth, but it won’t lack in anything and it would only get better and better with time- it’s literally impossible to end up complacent with him because there’s always something new
even the medium amounts of drama that arise only add to the amazing things this relationship has to bring
kissing the tears off each other’s cheeks, frantic embraces, sometimes over-the-top, grand displays of affection after a long time of not having seen each other, or even small gestures that end up moving either of you to tears
this would only be a glimpse into how the relationship would feel like with this absolute babe and sweetheart of a man
i could go on forever so please do ask for more of these
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The Plus One Pact | William Nylander | Part 4
Summary: Your ex is getting married, and you don’t have a date, which means the unavoidable “why don’t you have a boyfriend” question is about to haunt you for the rest of eternity. But then there’s Will, who could be the answer to all your problems. A simple business pact, no feelings involved: that won’t be hard for you, because you really don’t like him anyways. Except pacts were made to be broken… or something. Right?
Note: This is part 4. Click here for part 1 | part 2 | part 3
--
You don’t know how it happens.
Okay, you kinda do.
One night, you get a text from Will that’s just a screenshot of a very strongly worded email to a certain balloon company, and then three crying-from-laughter emojis.
Still not funny!!! you text back, and you expect not to hear from Will again until the wedding.
You’re wrong. When he texts you again the next day, asking how you work was, you figure it would be rude not to answer, and then when the phone rings late one night, you worry something is wrong, so you answer that, too.
“What was your day like?” Will’s voice is quiet and timid when he asks, and you take it you’re not gonna talk about that awful game they just had, so you talk to him about your day for an hour until his voice is lighter and he’s laughing again.
It starts happening more and more, and before you really realize it, it’s weird when you haven’t heard from Willy in a day.
To be truthful, it turns out Zach was right; as he usually is, which you would rather die than tell him.
But Will is different when it’s just you two, and your favorite moments with him are when he calls after games and his voice is laced with sleep and you can nearly hear the smile through his voice when he asks you about your day. Everything about him is muted, then, but it feels real, and important, somehow.
You even learn to appreciate how annoyingly chipper he is, because sometimes you really do need someone to just laugh at your bad mood until it goes away.
You also learn that, like you expected on the plane to Calgary, Will keeps his head high but it’s mostly a facade. Comments get to him, especially when they’re about his hockey – “that’s the only thing I was supposed to be good at” he jokes one time, and you wanna hit him over the head with his hockey stick until he understands that that’s not true – and he takes everything personal, although he tries not to show it.
Everything you didn’t like about him, you find out, is something you either got wrong about him or learned to appreciate.
And there’s so much more to like about him, too.
One night, after a really bad day at work, you have a fight with your sister about Noah’s stupid wedding.
“Why are you so against coming?” your sister says, a little too aggressive. “Surely you aren’t still in love with him? He’s happy with Betty, Y/N.”
Of course you’re not still in love with Noah, but it hurts that she can’t just accept that you don’t wanna go. That she can’t take your side in this, even if she doesn’t know the full story. She should trust that you’re not being difficult for no reason.
And you can’t help yourself; it’s late and you know Will just got done with his game, and he’s all the way in Carolina but you call him anyway.
He answers almost immediately.
“Y/N?” he asks, and he sounds surprised. It’s to be expected, because he’s almost always the one calling you, but it stings a little, nonetheless.
“Uhm, hi.” You pause. “Is it… okay that I called?”
“Of course. Always.” Will sounds truthful, so you decide to take his word for it.There’s no more extra space in your brain to worry about that, as well.
“Congrats on the game.”
“Thanks.” You hear Willy’s grin. “I’ve told Zachy we’re both very proud of him for that OT winner.” There’s an indignant huff next to him that sounds a lot like Zach and you figure they’re still on the bus, where Willy usually sits with Kappy or Zach.
It’s quiet, then Willy’s voice, treading very carefully: “Is something wrong? You don’t sound too happy.” There’s some stumbling and you can almost see how Willy must be elbowing Zach away from the phone, because Zach is basically an overprotective dad whenever he hears anyone isn’t doing well.
But Willy… Willy isn’t like that, but he sounds worried anyway, and he sounds gentle like he’s trying to calm you down, and suddenly you’re telling him everything: about the day you’ve had and your job that sucks and that you’re worried about the wedding and why can’t your family just trust you, for once, and what if this all isn’t worth it just to keep your family happy?
When you’re done, Willy’s voice is soothing. The background noise has disappeared. Maybe the bus has stopped.
“It’s worth it,” is what he says. “You know it’s worth it.”
You sigh. It’s annoying still that he’s usually right.
“I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.”
“And tonight you don’t have to.” There’s a sudden noise and then Will cursing. “Fuck, sorry, hold on, I’m trying to open this stupid hotel door…” More crashing and banging, and then Willy’s voice reappears. “Tonight you don’t have to deal with anything, okay? We can FaceTime and watch a movie together.”
And that… That actually sounds really nice, and like it doesn’t require any brain power which is good because you have none of that left anyway.
“Hey, what’s your favorite take out food?”
It’s such a random question, out of the blue, and when you tell him that, the blurry FaceTime screen can’t hide his eye roll.
“It’s just something friends are supposed to know about each other, now tell me.”
“Sushi when I’m feeling fancy,” you say, “or pizza when I need comfort food.”
You can’t even pretend to be that surprised when a massive pizza shows up at your door 30 minutes later.
You hate that it nearly brings tears to your eyes, but after the day you’ve had…
“Thank you, Willy,” you mumble, and there’s something soft to his look when he smiles at you.
“What are friends for?” he asks, and you realize you don’t even mind that he’s declared himself your friend, now.
A few weeks ago, you would’ve disputed it. But now, you find yourself kinda wishing it could be more.
--
What are friends for is apparently your motto now, and it’s all a little strange as you get into the car, your fanciest, most beautiful dress and highest heels on.
“You look great,” Zach says. He’s wearing a suit and his hair is slicked back, the way it always is when he’s really trying.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” you reply, a little grumpily. “I hate team events.”
“I never did understand why.” Zach starts the car and backs out of your driveway. You’ve been told Alannah is going to the venue straight from work, and Willy had an appointment and couldn’t come get you, which is why you’re in the car with Zach, now.
“Because I don’t fit in there.” It’s the honest answer, but it’s obviously not the whole story. The whole story is that those events are filled with beautiful women, and you never feel quite up to par; like you snuck into a place you’re not welcome, not supposed to be welcome, either. But Zach wouldn’t get that. Willy wouldn’t get that either.
And you just couldn’t come up with an excuse fast enough, not when he said: “But Y/N, it’s for charity.”
It would not matter to the charity, of course, if you didn’t come. But Willy had looked so hopeful, and then he’d pulled out the final card: “It’s gonna be way more fun with you there by my side.”
And now you’re wearing a dress appropriate for a charity gala, which means you’ve never felt more uncomfortable in anything in your life, and your feet already hurt from your heels, and this was such a bad idea, God.
“You know,” Zach says, and his tone tells you this conversation is going somewhere you don’t want it to go. “Willy doesn’t like these events either. It means a lot to him that you’re coming for support.”
You nearly roll your eyes. “Willy charmed the socks off every person at my boss’ wedding, Zachy. He really doesn’t need my support for these kinda things.”
Zach’s face stays stoic. “Yeah, but nobody at that wedding knew him.”
“So?” you frown. “That should only be a disadvantage, considering he’s William Nylander.”
Zach laughs, then. “Still haven’t figured it out, then? I’m disappointed in you, Y/N. I thought you were good at reading people.”
“Hey!” you react, offended. You are good at reading people. It’s one of the things you pride yourself on. “If you know it all so well, why don’t you just tell me?”
Zach sighs. “Willy doesn’t like these events anymore because he is William Nylander, as you say it, and that’s not really a popular name in Leafs territory, right now.”
And, oh.
That.
“I did realize he cares a lot more about what people think than I thought he did.” You pause. “More than he should, probably.”
“Definitely.” Zach’s face has that protective big brother vibe about it, again. You used to not understand, why he always looked like that when people were talking shit about Willy.
You get it, now.
“There’s always plenty more people telling him he’s great, than there are people sending him snarky looks,” Zach continues. “But he never really believes any compliments he gets, so that doesn’t help.”
Suddenly, you realize something.
You’ve never really… complimented Willy? Even when you realized he cared more than he let on, you still just assumed he knew how great he was. Sometimes, he kinda fishes for something – “Did you see my goal?” “How about my cooking abilities?” “I know how to pick a good movie, right?” – but you’d always laughed and chirped him for it.
“If your head gets any bigger, it’ll explode.”
And Willy is always complimenting you; he tells you you look great all the time, even when you decidedly dont’t, but he clearly remembered what you told him about Noah because that’s never the only thing he compliments you about.
He tells you how smart you are, “I like how good you are with animals”, how any food you make is the best thing he’s ever eaten, if only everyone was as lovely as you.
You feel guilty, now. If Willy is your friend, you’ve really not been doing such a good job at being his friend, too.
You’re fixing that tonight, you decide right then and there.
“I’ll make him believe it,” you tell Zach, and it comes out sounding vaguely threatening.
Zach laughs. “Thought you didn’t like him?”
“Maybe he’s not as bad as I thought he was,” you admit, and you don’t tell Zach how much you really, really do like Willy, but you think Zach kinda knows anyway.
Will meets you at the door, where Alannah is also waiting for Zach. He smiles at you, eyes soft.
“You look beautiful, Y/N.” He quickly presses his lips to your temple, which is a new development that you don’t really know how to handle.
But Will is a tactile guy, anyway, so you’re sure you shouldn’t read too much into it.
You see Zach’s raised eyebrow, and suddenly remember – fine, maybe you’d forgotten your objective for a second because Will looks really hot in that suit, but you’re back on track now.
“You look beautiful too, Will.”
Willy’s eyes widen and a flush creeps up on his cheek, but before he can answer you grab his hand and pull him into the building.
It’s a fancy, really expensive hotel, where the gala is being held. It’s filled to the brim with people, a few of which you recognize, most of which you don’t.
“That chandelier must be worth more than our entire house,” Alannah mutters, and you’re glad to see it’s affecting her too, although she’s been to these events many times.
Zach laughs. “With a puppy in the house, aren’t you glad we don’t have any furniture that costs more than our mortgage?”
“Do you want a drink?” Will’s lips are close enough to your ear to hear him over the noise of the crowd and the music in the background, and also close enough to feel his hot breath against your neck. It takes everything in you not to shiver.
Maybe you do need a drink. Or ten.
Willy and Zach go to get the drinks and Alannah leads you to where some of the other WAGs are. Steph is the only one you know and she hugs you as soon as she sees you coming, then introduces you to the rest.
“So, you’re with Will, huh?” she asks, eyebrows waggling.
You were expecting that question, but maybe not so soon into the evening.
“Uhm,” you cough, “not really. Just his plus one for tonight.”
“Sure,” Steph says, and she looks like she doesn’t believe you at all.News always travels fast in the WAGs group, and Alannah is looking a little guilty.
You find you don’t mind so much, that they think that you’re together. Although you really don’t wanna think about why you don’t mind.
When Willy finds you, Kappy and his girlfriend are with him, and the four of you make your rounds throughout the room, talking to any sponsor that seems interested in a conversation. Mostly you just stand there while Willy talks, his hand on your back as if he’s scared you’re gonna run off.
“I always thought this would be a lot of work,” you mumble in Willy’s ear, when you’re between conversation partners. “But I really only have to stand here and look pretty.”
Willy grins. “Seems like it comes natural to you.”
Right. You kinda forgot about the compliments again.
You shrug, lean a little closer until you’re basically pressed into his side. It feels a little too right, maybe, how quickly Will’s arm wraps around your waist.
“You’re really good at talking to these people.” You’re talking pretty loudly, but you’re pretty sure Will is the only one that can hear you over the noise. “The second you open your mouth, people are so charmed by you. I think you could make anyone love you.”
Willy’s eyes flash to the floor, and they stay fixed there as he mumbles something that sounds a lot like another “uhm”.
His cheeks are flushed red, and you’re saved from having to deal with that as Auston appears, eyes wild and jaw tense.
“I’m being stalked,” he hisses. “This old white dude literally won’t leave me alone even for a second. He’s been following me around for an hour. Help.”
Willy bursts into giggles, which is probably not very helpful, and the betrayal on Auston’s face is enough to make you feel bad for him.
“Come on,” you say, grabbing his arm, “let’s go hide behind the bar.”
--
It’s easier than you thought it would be, to get through the evening. In fact, when Will asks you if you’re ready to go, you hadn’t even noticed it had become so late.
You say goodbye to the few people you know and gratefully accept Willy’s offer to drive you home.
The car ride is silent. It’s not awkward, but the air is heavy with something, and you curse yourself for all those times you wished Willy would just shut up, because now he has and you hate every second of it.
Did your compliments freak him out? Did he regret asking you to come?
“So,” Will finally says, as he stops in front of a traffic light. He’s not looking at you, keeping his gaze firmly on the road ahead of him. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
“Zach told me you don’t like these events,” you try, carefully. You’ve never had to pull something out of Will, force him to open up; he’s always just kinda done it, from the very moment you met him, shared parts of himself with you that you never had to search for.
For you, who’s never learned how to not keep something hidden, that was maybe the thing that unnerved you about him the most.
“I like doing things for charity,” Will answers, and you can tell he’s picking his words carefully. “But I don’t like people looking at me as if I’m some kinda disappointment who doesn’t belong there.”
“Have they ever said anything?”
“No.” Will smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and there’s a hint of sadness laced in it. “Not to my face, anyway. But I’m not stupid, you know.”
No, he’s not stupid. For all the conflicting thoughts you’ve had about him, you never thought he was stupid.
And you never thought he was a bad contract, either. It seems imperative, suddenly, that he knows that.
“Willy,” you say softly, and although his eyes are still on the road, you know he’s paying attention. “You can’t seriously believe that you’re anything but an amazing hockey player. You’re worth that contract and you’re worth the effort Dubas put into keeping you here. You’re so smart, and I know people don’t always see it but you work so hard, and Matts was so happy when you got back on his line because he knew you would be magic together.”
Will’s cheeks are red but this time, he’s not mumbling when he says: “I know I haven’t been playing as well as I can.”
“Stop,” you tell him, softly but forcefully. “Stop deflecting, stop dodging. Just take the compliment and believe me when I say you’re great at what you do.”
“That’s very nice of you,” he says, his voice a bit shaky, and that’s a different kind of deflecting but it’s still deflecting, and it’s hurting your heart.
“William Nylander,” you scold, and then you do what you’ve been wanting to do this entire evening and let yourself reach out and put a hand on his knee. “Just accept the compliment.”
Willy carefully reaches down to grab your hand, intertwines your fingers together as he lets both your hands rest on his thigh. He’s holding the steering wheel with one hand, but he’s driving pretty slowly and the roads are deserted, so you’re not too worried.
You’re more worried about the fact that he just doesn’t believe you.
“You’re a great hockey player,” you repeat, stubbornly. “And a great person.”
Finally Willy allows himself to smile, this small, rueful thing that sticks somewhere deep inside your chest, folds up next to your heart like it’s gonna stay there forever.
“Thank you,” he says, and maybe he still doesn’t really believe it but this is as far as you’re gonna get tonight and maybe that’s okay.
You’ve got time.
The car has reached your flat and Will parks it in your driveway. It’s quiet, and he hasn’t let go of your hand, and you kinda don’t want him to.
The night is over, probably.
But there’s still one thing you need to tell him, though. “It doesn’t matter, Will,” you say softly. “What those people think. It doesn’t matter.”
“No,” Willy agrees, and for the first time you can tell he believes it. “But it matters what you think.”
He finally turns to look at you and there’s so many emotions swirling in the deep blue of his eyes, but you can’t really put your finger on any of them. All you know is your heart is beating in your throat, and you really want to kiss him.
But Willy still looks a little sad, and you have a feeling there’s something he’s not saying.
“I told you I think you’re great,“ you tell him, and it’s the truth.
“But you didn’t, before.” Will hesitates. “I told you I’m not stupid. I know when people find me annoying.” He shrugs. “I get it. I know I can be too much.”
And God, there’s so much hurt in that, so much pain and yet understanding, and you can tell he truly believes that, and you would do anything to take that away from him.
Anything.
So.
“I didn’t like you,” you admit, but when Will goes to pull back his hand, you simply hold on tighter. “I was wrong. I didn’t know you, and I was wrong. Now I know you. And I like you.” You inhale, pause. “I like you so much I don’t really know what to do with myself, sometimes.”
It’s quiet. You can nearly see the wheels turning in Willy’s head as he searches your face for something; something to tell him you’re not being truthful, maybe, that it doesn’t mean what he thinks it does.
If that’s what he’s looking for, he won’t find it.
Then he drops your hand, jumps out of the car and slams the door.
Disappointment and hurt washes over you; you knew you had to try, had to put your heart out there, but it hurts that it’s smashed into pieces like that. Clearly you read it wrong, clearly you still don’t know how to tell what Willy’s feeling.
Except then your door opens, and Willy is holding out his hand.
“Come on,” he says, and his voice sounds… fond? You don’t know exactly what to think about it, but he doesn’t sound angry, or upset.
Against better judgement, you grab his hand and get out of the car.
“I have to tell you something,” Will says. And, there’s no way that he’s doing what you think he’s doing, but his hands are suddenly traveling up, one reaching to cup your cheek, the other settling on your waist. His eyes are staring into yours intently, and they’re twinkling but it’s not the same mischievous twinkle you’re used to seeing.
“I really like you, too,” Willy says, and he leans in and presses his lips against yours.
For a split second, you stand there, not quite knowing what just happened, but then his hand tightens on your hip and you realize that this is real, this is happening, and Will’s kissing you.
So you kiss back. You let your body lean heavy against the car, place your hands on his biceps and pull him closer, until his chest is flush against yours. The kiss deepens, and you swear you can feel your heartbeat synching up with his.
The night is dark, and quiet, and it rains a little, but you feel none of it.
All you feel is Will, surrounding you, and everything is beautiful and exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
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Maybe I'll use this account to push the SeroRoki agenda because they deserve so much love, I had a concept on twitter that got absolutely no response so I figured I'd try it out here! (: The original tweet if you want some background :)
•He Who Swallowed A Star•
\/\/\/\/\/
cold, sharp, unnerving
All words that raced through Hanta's mind at the mention of Endeavor's youngest son, pro hero Shoto. But above all captivating was the one that echoed the loudest.
It had been years, their memories rusty and old, left out in the rain for too long. But now with the consuming feeling of cold filling the alley and burning in his lungs Sero could feel his heart fluttering just as it did years ago. Shoto Todoroki always had been overwhelming in the best of ways.
/\/\/\/\/
"Todoroki!" Midoriya called hurrying his steps to fall in line with the dual eyed man. His formalitirs strongly in place even after the years they'd known one another, though the elemental hero couldn't blame him, he'd made no motion to continue building relationships beyond high school settling into a familiar routine at a familiar distance. Even if it did hurt from time to time.
"Midoriya." It was paired with a curt nod, Shoto was just leaving the Endeavor agency for patrol, and if he'd paid better attention he'd have known their schedules lined up today just as they did every third Tuesday.
"Did you see that Sero is in town?" Midoriya hummed pleasantly.
"Is he?" Shoto asked bluntly, confused at the pang of jealousy that ran hot in his veins, Sero had been the relationship Shoto regretted letting fade away the most, not long ago he would've met Shoto at the train station, hiding behind a ball cap and and a gaudy pair of sunglasses. Uncharacteristic smile saved just for the lanky man.
"Well, I'm pretty sure, he hasn't directly told me or anything but I heard a young woman talking about Cellophane when I was out earlier this morning." Midoriya was rambling, a habit he'd stubbornly refused to grow out of.
"Okay." Todoroki offered curtly, his stomach curling with emotions he'd thought he'd trimmed away, ones he thought he didn't need anymore.
"Are you upset Todoroki? I didn't mean to, I just wanted you to know, I knew you two had gotten pretty close just before graduation and-"
"Please don't worry Midoriya. Thank you for telling me." He could deny it all he wanted but somewhere along the line Midoriya had burrowed himself into the cracks of Shoto's facade and refused to let go. His big green eyes and childish freckled face put the dual haired man at ease, a reminder that some things never really changed.
"Of course!" Midoriya smiled in the way that made his eyes crinkle around the edges and his cheeks cave into dimples. His voice quickly carrying on into everything he had done over the last few weeks they hadn't talked.
Shoto nodded absent mindedly occasionally speaking up to ask a question or declare his feelings on the matter in a fashion far too blunt. Midoriya's laughter that never seemed to fit his broad shoulders and Todoroki's own low chuckles broke through the ice that Shoto had begun to put up in the other's absence.
"You really should call sometime Todoroki. I know things with you and YaoMomo have been hard-."
"Yaoyorozu and I called off the engagement. Yesterday actually, we've not told dear old dad so please keep it between us." Shoto cut in firmly, his eyes locked onto his hand, freshly absent of the ring he'd previously worn.
"Oh, Todoroki, I'm so sorry." Izuku reached out to squeeze Shoto's arm, his emotions so clear on his face it was almost painful.
"It was for the best. But yes I will call sometime." Todoroki offered a half smile and the same empty promise he offered every third Tuesday when they made it to the diverging path of their patrols.
"Okay." Midoriya hummed, "Kirishima invited everyone to a lunch next weekend, I don't know if you saw the message, but he'd love to see you, even Kacchan, they all miss you."
"I saw it. I work next weekend." Shoto sighed, running a hand through coloured locks that he thought absently were getting long.
"Alright, well we will figure something out. See you soon Todoroki!" Midoriya laughed, squeezing his arm one last time before the burn of his electric green quirk was all that was left behind Todoroki's eyes.
"Okay." He agreed absently, turning to continue on the same path he took each time. It was relatively low maintenance, a street riddled with alleyways between bars and second rate thugs trying to make cheap cash off of bad drugs and expired liquor. Just the presence of a pro kept the activity at bay.
Most days anyway. A hulking figure oozing a greenish mold was breathing heavily between two buildings, a trembling man tied up at his feet but very much still alive. Todoroki's heavy footsteps came to a sudden halt, mismatched eyes narrowing at the villian.
"Pro Hero Shoto." Todoroki's cool voice leaked into the alley way, but wrenching memories of the time iida dashed into an alley fight alone. His fingers already twitching at alert Midoriya of his location.
"Oh?" The distorted voice was booming the villian face stretched with teeth not unlike Kirishima's own but longer and jagged.
The little beacon device clipped to his belt was taken out with a swift motion Todoroki was uncertain a man of the other's size could even complete. His back hitting the ground and his breath ripped from his lungs.
"None of that." The monster of a man laughed, his form shifting in a wiggling fashion, shrinking and growing like shadows under a dying sun.
"Shit." Todoroki spits under his breath as he rolls away from the villain already gearing up for another attack. His bicoloured hair indeed longer then it should be, falling in his eyes as he tries to dodge the flurry of movement that seems reluctant to let up.
It was hard to pinpoint the enemy, and when Todoroki's ice raced forward it severed through the mass like gas. A shuddering familiarity settling in his bones.
"He has to be solid somewhere." His mind screamed as he focused on defending, his eyes flickering over to the panicking man still bound and leaned against the trash cans at the side of the alley.
"Oh poor Shoto alone and dreadfully unprepared." The villain hissed their eyes darting to just above Shoto's head, their booming laughter falling short. Thier shifting eyes narrowing on a point just above Shoto's own head.
"No!" The man bellowed lunging for Shoto with a new sense of urgency. It was all happening too fast Todoroki felt his arm burst into instinctive flames he still resented. At the same time a lanky arm had wrapped around his waist and pulled him into a solid chest.
A mumbled curse and a hiss of pain reaching his cotton filled ears before a ribbon of tape flew from behind Shoto so fast the breeze ruffles the hair that had been causing him so much trouble. His fires extinguished and a sinking feeling of confusion and panic as Sero held him firmly in his spot against the taller man's chest.
"Sorry Sho, I didn't mean to interrupt." Sero whispered in his ear his face splitting smile evident in his voice.
Shoto was still frozen in place as if his quirk had manifested by it's own will and left him out to dry. His limbs heavy and his heart pounding in a familiar way that made his stomach sour. Too close, too normal. Sero hadn't seemed to feel the distance as strongly as Todoroki had. He was acting as if it hadn't been years since they'd clung to one another like this.
Before Sero went underground.
Before Todoroki gave up fighting against his Father's wishes to join his agency.
Before Yaoyorozu and his engagement.
"Let go." Shoto finally managed to croak out, even though he just leaned closer into the touch, "Or I'll freeze you too."
Shoto could feel Sero's smile grow from where his jar scraped the crown of his own head, "Sure thing."
Sero's arm left him once more after another reassuring squeeze. Dual ribbons of tape racing out once more to cling the man who had broken free of the first. The sticky tape like substance cutting through the shadow like skin of the villian.
"This isn't fair. It isn't fair." The man shifted as if he was melting his bellowing shaking deep from his core and into the air.
"Sorry." Todoroki breathed, still unable to gather his thoughts, his control slipping as he glanced at Sero's manic smile. The fluttering kicking back up and the ice surging forward more than necessary. Until all that was left was a normal man's head, his eyes wide and his quirk scared away.
"Oh nice Shoto." Sero cheered his arms pumping in childish excitement, bounding toward the incapacitated villian.
His given name rolled off like honey clearly not addressing him as a hero, an intimate familiar action that Sero had walked out on so many years ago. The conflict boiled in his heart, until it was spilling out in a frustrated flush and stale words.
"What are you doing here Sero." Shoto was frowning, his arms crossed in the way a mother would scold a child his voice low to keep from prying ears, and even though his chin was tilted up to meet Sero's eyes it sent a thrilling sensation in Hanta's limbs.
"Sero?" Hanta was laughing softly, "Sho you don't have to call me that."
"Why would I call you anything else? We're strangers." Todoroki in argued in that deadpan way he struggled to outgrow.
Sero huffed in a way that brought a blush to both their faces, a wicked grin all flat teeth and mirth, "Oh I'd hardly call us strangers Shoto. How about we catch up, yeah? When's your patrol over?"
"It's over at 5." Todoroki sighed his shoulders slumping, "I want to try the new soba place. It opened last week of Main street."
"Of course, I'll see you there, Todoroki" It was almost condescending in nature as Sero flashed another smile and was gone almost as quickly as he'd come.
Shoto stood flustered and breathless with an unconscious villian and a bound man there in the dark alley. Heavy footsteps and the burn of familiar green burned his eyes.
"Shoto, your tracking device cut off, are you okay?" Pro hero Deku, ever present of his surroundings eyed the cowering civilian.
/\/\/\/\
:') hmm yeah so that's what I've got so far. If I do continue it, it'll probably be on Ao3 and I'll drop the link when it's up!
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Can I have your opinion? Which character is fit for 34 prompt? Because I want to request that but I don't know which character •́ ‿ ,•̀
Even I needed to think about this for a bit, but now I have a few in mind. Fiting characters would be Naruto, Sakura, Kushina, TenTen, Kiba, Hashirama, Gon, Killua, Pokkle, Finny, Alois and Dagger. But sadly you lit a fire inside of me and I felt the need to already write something with this Prompt. Feel free to request it with another one! I was between Finny and Dagger from Black Butler and couldn’t choose so I read the basic Hc’s I wrote for them. Dagger it is!
Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, delusions, clinginess, mentions of kidnapping
Prompt 34: “NO!! Please tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it, but don’t leave me!!!”
You were wondering what exactly you had done so wrong. Why were they all avoiding you? You had recently joined the Noah’s Ark circus, having a natural talent for bending your body in ways that some people had thought in the past that you had no bones and you had always dreamed about showing people your talent. You had been so happy when Joker had told you that you had been accepted to become a member and in the beginning everything had seemed good. You had quickly made friends with everyone in their, especially with Beast, Doll and Jumbo. Jumbo had been like an older brother to you and Doll had been like your little sister. Beast had been the person you could tell everything and she had told you quickly about her love for Joker and you had made it to your goal to bring both of them together. But since a few weeks everyone seemed to avoid you. Whenever you would try to talk to someone they would just quickly excuse themself and would walk away from you. Even your roommate had moved out of the tent!
At first you had tried to find out why they were avoiding you so intensely, but after some time you had given up. No one wanted to answer your question about what had happened and why they were avoiding you. Some had even started to panick when you had confronted them about it, looking like something terrible would happen to them in any moment. The only one who hadn’t avoided you so far was Dagger, but to be completely honest sometimes you wished he would. He was just so frustratingly clingy to you, always bombarded you with questions and complimented you on everything you did. At first you had found it sweet, but after some time it just annoyed you. Especially when he started yelling at someone because he thought this person did you wrong. You were of course thankful for him because Beast had once told you that he had been the member who had strongly insisted that you would join the circus and hadn’t stopped annoying Joker until he had finally agreed. But too much was too much!
Currently you were sitting somewhere outside the circus, having no interest in being ignored by the people in there. To be honest, judging by the grey clouds on the sky and the audible thunder in the distance it seemed like it would start to rain very soon, but you didn’t care. You just needed some fresh air. You sighed heavily, thinking about how happy you had been once with all of this. But now everything was ruined and what frustrated you the most was that you didn’t even know what it was. Even when the first raindrops started to fall from the sky, you didn’t make a motion to go back. You just stared sadly in the sky. Things had gone back to how they used to be when you were young. You had always been an outcast because of your abnormal flexibility and your parents had ignored your dreams of wanting to become part of a circus. You had never been accepted for who you really were. Recently you had even started to play with the thought of leaving the circus and trying your luck somewhere else. The only reason you had stayed here was because you had thought these guys were your new family, but it seemed like you had been wrong. You had already started to search for another circus and just yesterday you had found out that another circus had recently started looking for new artists. This circus wasn’t all that tall or famous like Noah’s Ark, but probably there you would be accepted.
“(y/n)!!! Where are you?!?!” A loud voice interrupted your thoughts and you turned confused around. Wasn’t that Dagger’s voice? Yeah, it was. The next moment you were able to see the young man running towards you with a terrified expression on his face, his makeup was smeared over his face because of the rain. “What are you doing out here?! You might catch a cold!!” He quickly lifted you up in his arms and started walking quickly back with you. “Uhhh...Dagger? I can walk on my own.”, you told him irritatedly. But he just ignored you and continued to carry you in his arms. You were even more confused when he didn’t let you down even after you had reached the circus. “Why didn’t you let me down? From here on I can walk on my own.”, you protested. “I’m bringing you to my tent.”, he stated firmly. “Huh? Why?” “Because you need someone to watch over you! What if you get sick and no one is there to take care of you?!” You scoffed and answered with dry humor in your voice:”Then blame my former roommate and Joker for it. I can take care of myself.” Once again Dagger ignored you and you just rolled your eyes. Might as well let him do what he wanted to do. At least he cared. As soon as you reached his tent, he immediately sat you down on his bed and started rummaging in his things before he pulled a towel out. He walked back to you, obviously wanting to rub you dry, but you grabbed the towel out of his head and hissed:’’I can do that myself!’’ You angrily started to rub yourself with the towel whilst Dagger was watching you. ‘‘Why were you out there in the cold?!’’ You glared for a short moment at him before you replied with a bitter voice:’’Are you blind or something like this? Didn’t you notice how everyone keeps avoiding me? I don’t even know what happened! No one seems to care for me anymore! Just like my parents and all these other people!’’ You turned your gaze towards the ground and just glared at it.
‘‘B-but that isn’t true!!! I care!! I care so much for you!!!’’, Dagger suddenly yelled and you flinched surprised at his loud voice and looked up. Dagger had a desperate expression on his face and almost looked like he was about to cry. You raised irritated an eyebrow. What had gotten into him so suddenly? ‘‘I don’t understand...’’, you said slowly. Dagger grabbed both of your hands in his and pressed them against his chest. ‘‘Can you feel my heartbeat?!” You could. His heart was racing against his chest and for a short moment you wondered if this speed could be considered as healthy, but you couldn’t ask him if he was feeling alright because he continued in a panicked voice:”My heart always beats that fast when I’m near you! I love you!! I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you!” You were speechless. He loved you?! “But...I thought you loved Be-” He didn’t let you finish your sentence and yelled frustrated:”No!! I don’t love Beast!! I never did!! There was probably a time when I thought I did, but I realized that I never felt love for her! I only love you! No one else! The moment I saw you was the moment I knew we were meant to be together! You’re for me and I’m for you! Don’t you think so too??” You stared with wide eyes at him. What was wrong with this dude? What was he talking about? Meant to be together? Had he lost his mind?! “Uhhmm...” How were you supposed to respond to that? Would trying to reason with him be useful? Probably not. The look in his eyes told you that Dagger was caught in his own delusions. Well then, might as well try it the harsher way.
“I’m sorry Dagger, but I don’t feel the same.” His bright and hopeful expression instantly dropped. “W-what?”, he asked with a trembling voice. You bit your bottom lip, feeling a bit guilty. “Listen, I feel fluttered, but...I think you’re seeing it the wrong way. You don’t seriously believe that we were meant to be together, do you? If you do, then you’re just a dumb boy with your head up on some cloud.” With each cruel word you said to him he looked closer to starting to cry. “By the way, I wanted to leave this place anyways. I found out that there’s another circus looking for some new artists. So you won’t even see me again. I was planning to leave tomorrow.” Your heart clenched in your chest when you saw the tears dropping down his face, but this guy here needed to learn that his little dream land was nothing, but an imagination. Dagger needed to learn to grow up. “Goodbye Dagger.”, you said and turned around, planning to leave his tent. “NO!! Please tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it, but don’t leave me!!!”
He hugged you from behind and you felt his tears dropping on your clothes. You sighed. “Dagger, it isn’t your fault. It’s just that I can’t stand it to be always ignored by the other members.”, you explained whilst trying to wriggle free from his grip. But suddenly you were turned around by him. “You don’t need them! You only need me! I already told you that we were born for each other! But you don’t seem to understand that even after I made sure that no one would try to take you away from me!” You froze when you heard his last sentence, an unsettling suspicion slowly forming in your head. “Dagger,”, you started slowly, slight fear audible in your voice:”what do you mean by this?” “You’re perfect! Beautiful! Talented! You’re everything someone could look for! And I knew that they all would try to take you away from me so I needed to assure that they wouldn’t do anything! I just wanted you to help realizing that I’m the one you’re destinied to be with!” Realization strucked you and you started to shake. “Y-you threatened them, didn’t you?” Dagger quickly shook his head. “No, I didn’t! I just made sure that they wouldn’t harm you!” He slowly pulled you closer to him and engulfed you in a tight hug. “This world is filled with bad people...I just want to protect you.”
Now you were sure that he had lost his mind. “What the hell are you saying?! Are you insane?! Do you even hear the bullshit you’re-” Dagger cut you off by pressing his lips on yours. You could tell that he had wanted to do this for some time now because of the desperation in it. After a moment he pulled away, his eyes literally screaming lovesick. “You just don’t understand yet. But don’t worry, I’ll help you realize that you only need me.” It scared you how confident he sounded and looked. He really believed that shit! “But I do need to admit that leaving this place with you does sound good.”, he told you. “E-excuse you?!”, you shouted shocked. “Very simple,”, Dagger said with a huge grin on his face”like this I can bring you to a place where no one else will be able to take you away from me!”
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