#i don’t want to feel this way

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

#i don’t want to feel this way #but i don’t know how to stop it #i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it #it wont leave me alone #i want it to leave me alone #i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think #but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else #i feel so empty and weird and vague #december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction #i’m always on the verge of crying and #i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work #and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting #you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down #ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing #how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head #part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics #idk #just haven’t felt this bad in a while #i just want to get out of my head so bad #i wish i could turn thinking off #sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own #but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that #i don’t mean to vent #i just feel really hopeless and shit rn #anyway #i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning #it wont be tho lol #nothing is ever better #bc the universe and god hate me

[screaming--agony]

Dear Diary,

Some music opens my subconscious and forces me to analyze my existence in life, and with relationships. I feel more used than wanted. And it brings back an emptiness I can’t describe. All I know is I don’t want to think or feel this way.

#dear diary #depression #heart vs mind #numb #empty #struggling #friends break hearts too #family dysfunction #used #weight of the world #alone #anxiety #overwhelmed #hollow #i feel empty #i want to be wanted #why is everything so heavy #i can’t describe it #i don’t want to feel this way #sad #idk anymore #my soul is tired #music

[imjustexistingtbh]

.

#sometimes i hate myself for throwing away my last piece of glass #i know it’s for the better long term #but it helps so much in the moment i just want. i need that right now #but i have absolutely nothing to do it with #i hate myself right now #i hate myself so much #i hate how i can’t be normal without taking medicine #i hate how anxious i always am #i hate my brain #i hate that i can’t understand social things #i hate that i’m weird and the outcast with maybe three real friends #i hate that i’m just the weird autistic nerd #i hate that i can’t go a week without hating myself #and even when i have bad days i crash soon after #i hate that i want to hurt myself. i hate that i don’t want to hurt myself. #i hate myself so much. #it’s been 81 days since my last relapse #and i feel so incredibly awful #WHY do i feel this way SO MUCH #i don’t WANT to feel this way #but maybe i do #it’s more comfortable. #but i don’t know if i like it #vent #tw self harm #just jupiter

[rafetopia]

having a crush is literally so annoying i want it to stop

#jas rambles ❥ #i don’t want to feel this way

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[tiinydancerr]

Butterflies everytime.

#fuckyou #I don’t want to feel this way

[marisatomay]

i’m so sick of writers who proudly proclaim that they don’t read and directors and actors and other filmmakers who smugly say that they rarely watch movies or any artist who acts like an audience is stupid for connecting with their work like what the fuck is wrong with you that you hold such contempt such derision for the art that you have chosen to make the art that so many people dream of the opportunity to make the art that brings meaning and connection to people’s lives it’s unbelievably disrespectful to both your audience and the art-form and if you can’t muster basic respect for either your art-form or your audience then kindly fuck off and do something else

#i hate how rare it is to have an actor be like ‘yeah i just really love movies and going to the movies it’s the best i love what i do’ #to the point where when an actor or director IS like that people are like ‘wow what a freak…they’re faking it for attention’ like!! no!! #that’s what it’s SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE!! you WANT creators who are obsessed with their medium!!! #and what gets me about the people who don’t feel that way is the clear Pride they feel like they’re Better for not caring #that uk ya author adapting the odyssey and admitting that they’ve never read the odyssey or the iliad #that writer on twitter saying that telling writers to read is ableist #the russo brothers saying that the theatrical experience is elitist and auteurism should bow to the disney/netflix model #christain bale and any number of other actors who proudly announce that they don’t watch movies #sam levinson who talks about tv like it’s a long movie because he can’t hack it as a filmmaker like his dad but he doesn’t actually LIKE tv #like i get not wanting to consume your own work after it’s released unless it’s for research or self reflection purposes #but you do not exist or create in a vacuum and it’s SO disrespectful and arrogant to act like you do

[speedmetalqueen]

Just rip my heart out, it’s easier if I don’t feel.

#byobxkitty #i don’t want to feel this way

[floofcoctail]

Truly in my panic attack era this week 🙏🏼

#it’s so dumb #i just keep hearing her voice through the wall and it starts #I don’t want to feel this way

[shrugsinchinese]

Tether Essence: for you to feel the entirety of my love

#essek really saying if you don’t want to marry me I’ll offer up my entire self so you’ll pine after me forever smh #will Caleb marry him after this I do not know #but they do make out sloppy #I’m having feelings about their relationship okay #this is my way of coping #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #critical role #critical role fanart #shadowgast

[transmascissues]

today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.

i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.

i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.

i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.

and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.

#to be clear it’s four different things they’ve asked me to do that im not supposed to #as soon as i find out about one rule they ask me to violate a different one that i didn’t know about #i will never ever forget that girl’s face and i’ll never stop being angry for her #for all three of them but especially her #i hate my coworkers for a million different reasons #the patients are the only reason i didn’t quit this job after the first day #i just want to do right by them and sometimes it feels like i’m the only one working there who does #it kills me because the patients who know im trans have been so great about it too #most of them know nothing about trans people but they’re so willing to learn and so respectful and we’ve had such great conversations #they’re getting fucked over by someone else’s transphobia when they themselves don’t have a single transphobic bone in their bodies #i hate this place because i care about the people in it too much to stand by the way it treats them and it’s killing me #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia

[honeydewsblue]

( gojo and paparazzi ) — alternatively: this with gojo 💀…

╰┄➤ 1.1 k wc, reader n gojo are obsessed and in love with each other, jealousy, not proofread i’m too incapacitated (sleep deprived)

satoru has a sort of unearthly beauty to him, you think that much is a sort of fundamental truth. an axiom. he's a frustratingly attractive man, in spite of his piss poor personality and the uncanny features he possesses. he’s got white hair and blue eyes and height that makes him almost as tall as his ego; there is nothing about him that is anything short of unnatural.

satoru is unnaturally pretty—and unfairly so, too. he knows it. how could he not, when anyone who has the ability to see makes a point of acknowledging it? whether it's through envious glares or wanting stares, or by being awestruck at the sight of someone who doesn't look like he belongs amongst humans (if only they knew how right they were), people notice him. not as if he needs that to know his worth. in the back of your head, you can hear his raucous laugh at the prospect of being in any way dependent on something so insignificant; on anything at all. you think i give a shit about them?

(still, you know he thrives off of it, off of the attention—being the attention whore that he is.)

the point is, it’s obvious that people can see satoru’s beauty.

especially now, you think, when you watch women your age fawn and giggle to each other over him—watch as they snap pictures and take videos of him. it’s almost pious, the way they try to capture him in film.

yes, an agreeing hum rolls in your throat, it is a universal truth that he is beautiful. unnaturally so. but you really wish people could just be normal, and refrain from being so indecent as to film strangers on the street.

it's not the first time it's happened—the farthest thing from it. unfortunately, you know it's even farther from being the last time, too. satoru's always been a sort of spectacle, one way or the other; in his power, his skills, his looks... he's watched by everyone. he is someone to serve witness to. that, too, is a fundamental truth.

though you know this, an ugly little feeling crawls in your gut while you watch the scene play out in front of you. most of it a sense of disgust, given the impression of how out of touch people are—but, a smaller, yet even uglier, part of it is a little possessive.

that smaller, uglier part feels a little offended at the fact that they’re being so blatantly disrespectful in front of you. that smaller, uglier part feels a little humiliated.

it’s a familiar sight, something you’ve seen happen time and time again, but this is the first time you’ve taken it as an insult—the first time you’ve taken it so personally, the first time you’ve felt it. the first time you’ve felt your dignity being prodded at, like there’s a blazed red rod poking and poking, urging that burning feeling in your gut to grow hotter and hotter. it’s an invasive thing, this hot, rushing feeling.

it isn’t personal. you know that. it shouldn’t be personal, but…

when you meet satoru in the middle, your fingers slip under the collar of his dress shirt. your nails drag taut at the crisp linen like an assertion and you pull him towards you, swift as you press your lips against his. you can feel the hesitation, the fleeting shock against them—that sharp, nearly imperceptible gasp skipping across teeth—but it barely lasts half a second before he’s the one kissing you. that small, uglier little part of you hopes that their little camera captured the picture of you kissing him.

you keep your heavy eyes cracked open, capturing it for yourself.

his hand finds its way to your lower back easily, like a puzzle piece fitting into its slots, holding you close to him; securing you. his hand is weighted on your back in a way that grounds you, but gentle as his fingers skim across your the fabric of your shirt. heavy and gentle like he’s trying to get to the skin underneath. heavy and gentle, like the way he looks at you, eyes skimming across your face—your eyes, to your lips, your cheeks, your eyes again. heavy and gentle, like worship. he wets his lips, swallows. “what was that about?”

he likes the look you have in your eyes, likes the way they mirror his own.

(you see him like how he sees the world, like something all encompassing. he likes that he can see you, only you, with this overwhelming sort of clarity. he likes that he sees you the way you see the world—the tunnel vision of it all. your attention is the only one he really wants for. the only one really he needs.

if you told him he was dependent on you, he’s not sure he’d have it in him to laugh it off.)

you cast a dirty, sidelong glance at where you feel two pairs of eyes burning holes at the both of you; poking and poking.

(and satoru thinks you look awfully pretty right now, your eyes glaring and lidded, your lashes contouring the sharp and narrowed look you bear. awfully, unearthly pretty, and so very familiar in a way that makes him crave you, makes him want to immortalize you in his skin. it’s instinctual, the way he gravitates to you, minty breath ghosting your cheek.)

they’re borderline gawking at the two of you until one of them smacks at the other's arm not-so-inconspicuously, and they shuffle off to the sidewalk, whispering to each other yet again. it’s only then that satoru follows your line of sight. when it clicks, he looks back at you far too eagerly for your comfort.

“oh,” he drawls, his stupid pretty teeth bearing themselves in the stupid, obnoxious grin that spreads across his lips. “that’s what it was?”

the idea of you being so possessive makes his stomach flip.

“baby, are you jealous?” he looks awfully happy about it, blue eyes gleaming at you with an unabashed sort of mirth. even when he finds himself being on other end of that glare of yours, his dimples only get deeper.

“you’re worse than me,” you hum. you don’t admit it, but you don’t deny it—you can’t. maybe you’re spending too much time with him.

oh. goosebumps break out against your skin at the thought of picking up his behavior, a little horrified at the thought of coming off as obtrusive as him. you shrug it off, shaking your head. “doesn’t matter,” you say airily, glancing at him, “you’re mine.”

you definitely spend too much time with him, if your aloof nonanswers and attitude attest to anything.

when your eyes meet his, you think that he sees it too. there’s a certain look in his eyes, the way they widen a fraction like he’s trying to commit you to memory—as if he hasn’t already. you know it’s probably just from the dark of night, but his pupils are wide and that revered and blessed blue he bears is reduced to a ring. right now, his eyes are consuming. you think you can see yourself in them.

(and, he does—he does see it. with his eyes, he sees little bits of himself transfused with you and it’s the most satisfying feeling he’s ever gotten in his life.)

he only smiles at you, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to your temple, his words spoken against your skin. “that’s right, baby.”

thank you for reading, feedback and reblogs are much appreciated 🤍!!

a/n. i haven’t posted anything in so long so i cranked this out… i really wanted to post something and that video thankfully gave me a lil idea hehe :’-) i hope it doesn’t seem too rushed <3

#satoru loves in a way that makes him want you whole and wants you to want him whole too #he’ll give himself to you and take you for himself #also #is he a little egotistical for this? yes! #do i love him? yes!! #jealousy is a very ugly feeling i don’t like it but this concept was too good… #Tee Bee Aych i know this fits with gojo more but this with Geto… #geto is more popular than gojo that is my truth #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo x reader #my writing ණ⃛(ᵒ͈̑ᴗ̂ᵒ͈̑ )

[sunnibits]

#yes I’m still feeling fucking ill over this and I think I’m going to feel ill about it for the rest of time #I’m fucking screaming and going crazy you don’t understand how much this line means to #me rn i think I literally want it tattooed on my body #I feel so fucking sick and insane #my chest is fucking aching but in a ‘full of so much love’ way #god god god god god god god god god. god!!!!! #ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands

[seagull-scribbles]

“Ain’t turtles supposed to be endangered?”

“Only the ones who can’t do this!”

#TMNT 2012 #raphael hamato #casey jones 2012 #is your bestie really your bestie if the first time you laid eyes on them it wasn’t immediately on sight #rasey #it’s not ship art but also I want it in my rasey tag so #I am having so much fun drawing in the canon style I am but god did I need to do something in my own style again #it’s like when you get made to wear a fitted dress and everyone tells you you look nice and it’s perfect #but you feel self conscious and constricted and it’s not something you’d ever wear #I love learning from studying the different styles but I also miss just editing the designs and going off model #altering the brushes and colours to suit a vibe #this is messy gritty wrong and imperfect but that’s what made it fun and easy and I’m so happy with this you can all bite me #also this is the return of flat ass Casey #Lou jitsu’s moral enemy and opposite lmao #I am so normal about Raph and Casey honest #I don’t constantly think about the way he slams Jones on the car bonnet #just a normal short chunky dude with his lanky toll bestie that happens to have the worlds flattest ass

[unfortunatelyilikebnha]

Thinking about the KaeyaJeanDiluc friendship where they grew up together and they were CLOSE & sure maybe Jean felt like Diluc & Kaeya were closer since they were brothers & sure maybe Kaeya felt like he had to keep secrets from the two of them bc they would never understand but they were like. A trio! A team!

& then Diluc’s 18th birthday comes around and everything goes to shit and Diluc LEAVES so they’re no longer KaeyaJeanDiluc but just Kaeya & Jean & in some ways Kaeya and Jean get closer because of it but there’s also a pronounced DISTANCE where Jean doesn’t know how to reach Kaeya anymore & Kaeya is even more determined not to tell Jean anything & they both lose themselves in their duties to Mondstadt while also missing Diluc and ALSO, despite everything, offering each other unconditional support

& then Diluc comes BACK & in addition to Kaeya & Jean there’s the shaky reestablishment of Jean & Diluc and Diluc & Kaeya but it’s not THE SAME. they’re no longer KaeyaJeanDiluc; Jean & Kaeya are knights and Diluc will never be a knight again & they all changed while Diluc was away & none of them know how to talk to each other anymore AND YET there’s still an undercurrent of trust!! Not fully, especially between Kaeya & Diluc, but Diluc still calls on Jean during the archon quest, trusting that she will keep their secrets even though as the acting grandmaster she should probably not. Jean says in her about Diluc voiceline that she understands why Diluc hates the knights & is working hard to make them an organization he can trust again. Kaeya covers for Diluc’s darknight hero escapades & fondly reminisces about their childhood in front of him. Diluc invited Kaeya to dinner at the winery & (afaik) never told anyone about Kaeya’s origins. Kaeya tells the traveler that they need to give Jean their full support and planned a birthday party for her. Jean left Kaeya in charge of Mondstadt when she went to the golden apple archipelago! On some level they recognize that their goals still align!! There’s still trust and love there but there’s also this gap between them that none of them know how to cross and I just!!!

#kaeya #kaeya alberich #diluc #diluc ragnvindr #jean #jean gunnhildr #genshin impact #YOU CAN TRY TO REASSEMBLE THE PIECES BUT THEY WILL NEVER FIT THE SAME WAY. AND MAYBE THEY SHOULDNT. #I DONT KNOW IF THIS MAKES SENSE AT ALL I’M JUST GOING INSANE THINKING ABOUT THEM #GRIPPING THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE. HEY DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT KAEYA JEAN AND DILUC BC I SURE DO. #also not blaming diluc for the leaving btw I feel like it was necessary for him #it’s just emphasized bc of how it contributed to the change in their dynamic #I can’t always put it into words right but I have a lot of thoughts about these three. #my brain is going GSVDKDBCJHDEJDHSBDVDHWBDNHSJSBSJDGSHSBSHSB rn #also also in the ‘duties to Mond’ bit I’m also not downplaying kaeyas indecision abt choosing mondstadt/Khaenri’ah #I don’t think he’s chosen & I think he has genuine love for but also feels indebted to both places #I fully reject the ‘oh kaeyas chosen Mond fuck Khaenri’ah’ takes i hate them it’s so much more complicated than that!! #he can care about both places!!! #anyways just wanted to clear that up since I didn’t really elaborate & don’t want it to be taken like that

[virgothozul]

I-

hum.

#That 21 one questions meme #I don’t know if I should feel sorry yet. #Maybe there are several reasons why the people tried to discourage me to play this- #Have I ruined the thing for you ? #If so ; I’m moderately sorry ; also it’s never too late to unfollow -you know that right ? #I have forgotten many many things. But a few - probably meaningless or barely relevant - things seem a little clearer to me. #I hope this year will go ok. I don’t want to completely lose my mind. That’s my single wish right now. #these tags make less and less sense. #Don’t you find it easier to organise ur thoughts this way tho ? Little entries of words. #disco elysium #I need to say; I’m only day2 but if something ANYTHING happens to Kim .. #I’ll gun everyone down in this hellhole