#i don't know how much ppl realize this

[welcometogrouchland]

I just think Hunter was obsessed with Willow and didn't even know it during the period from any sport in a storm to labyrinth runners. They maybe don't talk as often as they could, they're both busy and have conflicting schedules, so when they do talk, Hunter absorbs everything she says.

After roughly 3 weeks of texting (hexting? I feel like the kids would call it hexting), He knows that her favorite colour is orange, she likes her tea with extra milk and a bit of honey during winter, she likes working out to the noisiest angriest music in her playlist, her dad Gilbert is a construction witch who specialises in pottery, she used to listen to breakup songs and think about her childhood best friend (Hunter doesn't know it's Amity) and she actually has a mild pollen allergy despite being a plant witch and has to take potions for it.

He casually drops all this info piece by piece during their stay in the human realm and willows like. Well I can't not marry him. It'll have to be a winter or fall wedding to account for her allergies </3

#ramblings of a lunatic #the owl house #toh #hunter toh #willow park #huntlow #Hunter is often ignored and hides and compartmentalizes his identity in order to survive and be respected = his love language is listening #he doesn't just go quiet around Willow bc he's shy (tho that's definitely a factor) he's also like wow everything you say is amazing #i want to listen to you 24/7 #(Willow realizes this and thinks back to how often she was ignored and isolated- #-and how it made her feel worthless and she's like. i must make him my bride) #i haven't rewatched in a while so i can't exactly tell how much of this is self indulgent and how much is like. actually character accurate #it's in limbo but it feels true to me #we don't know the details of their text exchanges beyond him sending her (presumably) a cute pic of flapjack #I've seen ppl argue that they didn't talk much over text bc she's slightly suspicious of him at first in labyrinth runners #but tbh I've always chalked that up to the general mindfuckery going on at hexside at that time #ergo she couldn't immediately trust that this was actually Hunter until he mentioned something specific about Gus #so i like to imagine it was semi-frequent chatting but i payed lip service to the idea that it wasn't super duper close #playing both sides so I always win etc etc #this is really just a covert way of babbling my willow headcanons

[yayforocs]

👉👈 so @silverskye13 i saw this and..............

had to make an aron helsmet!!!!!! this was really hecking fun to think about actually like what she'd be like n design (which. is a poke at the rp server she was from actually) and also made me sit down and think more on my other minecraft ocs i have sittin around and why they ended up getting redesigns lkdsfh BUT YEAH i!!!!!!!! aron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#what do i. tag this as. sdklfjslk #i mean ig since it's like??? she's a concept from it i should??? #redstone and skulk #aron #a lotta the stuff aron goes through in her character arc in the rps has to do with like. she has her stuff that she's comfortable doing #and stuff that she's not #and after trying and trying and trying to go outside her comfort zone and help ppl around her in a Better Way #feels like she's just not good at it and should give up and go back to what she was doing before #-only to find out through A Lot Of Events that no she actually was learning even tho she didn't realize it and she was getting better #and she was actually helping #and also. it was. kind of impossible for her to go back anyway. jlsdf. #sO i thought her helsmet would be more of the 'stick with what i know and don't leave that' kinda thing!!! #leaning into her minecraft roots; she was originally a redstoner/demolitionist (i mean she's still a demo but) #so her helsmet would- if following that idea- be Really Hecking Good at redstone #but only stick to redstone bc No I'm Not Trying Anything Else #also aron had a lot of problems trusting people she shouldn't and it really bit her back so there's that aspect too!!! #...also is it just me or does this pic feel very Camish like i don't know what it is about the style bc i tried smth different #and when i finished i looked at it and went 'huh. this looks like camish drew it.' #I WILL ALSO!! make more!! of my other minecrafters!!! i just underestimated how much thought i would be putting into making helsmets sdlkfj #but they are bouncing around in my brain!!! and i will draw them once i can get them to stay still long enough to realize what they are!!!

[petiolata]

Noise pollution drives intolerance it seems...

#noise pollution #sensory issues #fuckcars #carfree #psychology #petiolata reads #Nonsense: the Power of Not Knowing #Jamie Holmes #op #I didn't pick up this book looking for information on auditory/sensory input affecting ppl but it's crazy how much it does #something like a noisy printer going in the background made people come to different decisions on pseudo jury cases even #and there is tons of research on how traffic noise in neighborhoods negatively affects humans' stress levels and happiness #it's always been my theory that NTs *are* negatively affected by their rampant noise pollution--they're just too #out of touch and able to ignore sensory discomforts that they don't realize the way they're being subtly negatively affected

[bisexualamy]

.

#it actually makes me sick like physically ill how much praise is heaped onto goyishe american leftists #people who could not point to gaza on a map six months ago. whose knowledge of middle east history comes from outdated textbooks and twitte #for being anti imperial activists and well educated anti imperialists with all the right buzzwords and all the right opinions #meanwhile nothing i say will ever be good enough bc i'm jewish and palestinians are tokenized by people who care more about appearing #like someone who Listens to Palestinians as opposed to 1) doing anything material to help them (like donating money) #and 2) not spreading obvious misinformation. something that does material damage to the cause of liberation #AND further fuels the most insidious of zionist propaganda which relies on the antisemitism of ignorant western goys #this propaganda banks on their antisemitism bc it's that fucking reliable #every white western goy that harasses jews or spreads misinfo about jews or is straight up just racist towards random israeli immigrants #ppl living in the west like running coffee shops that are now having their windows smashed bc that what? supports palestinian liberation? #makes it that much easier for actual zionist propagandists to say 'see. this was never about imperialism. they want an excuse to harm you.' #'you are only safe with us' #i grew up in a cauldron of this kind of propaganda and i was playing on hard mode i got it from the orthodox #it took years of dutiful unlearning. of wrestling with some really difficult realities. of realizing that i'd been not only lied to #but information had been deliberately kept from me to keep me from knowing the true depths of the horror happening in gaza #i did not get the luxury of starting to care about this six months ago during a concerted effort to correct the record #i had to put in the effort to unlearn two decades of propaganda given to me so young i don't remember a time when i didn't know it #and i am by far not the only jew with this experience #i have put in way more effort to care about this than every white western goy with a megaphone posting palestinian flags on IG #but none of that matters bc i am a jew and for the last 5000+ years we don't get to decide how we're discussed or how we're remembered #never mind how many jewish voices (and yes! even israeli voices!) have been supporting liberation efforts in palestine for years. #who've done an amazing job reaching more people who need help seeing through the propaganda they were raised on #i can only be a token who speaks only in protest chants or i can be an evil zionist. the anti imperial work doesn't matter. #bc anti imperial work is hard and none of them actually want to do it they just want the protest photos #anyway this is why i don't discuss this on the piss on the poor website. tbh i don't trust y'all

[aeide-thea]

truly just SUCH a typical tumblr experience but like.

Familiar Tumblr Name makes a post that's like: 'you know how fast fashion perpetuates itself by selling us clothing that gets dingy and grody really fast, so we have to replace it yearly?'

me: uh, no, actually—historically i've found that the few fast fashion pieces i acquired long outstayed their welcome, and were perfectly wearable long after i was heartily sick of them! but go on, i guess

FTN: 'let me tell you about this traditional domestic wisdom (implied: that's been lost because of, uh, capitalism) that will fix this problem (that you, too, definitely have) for you!'

me, googling: okay so this residue that FTN said was somehow a Fast Fashion thing is apparently generally caused by like. fabric softener and/or hard water. using discount detergents that skimp on active ingredients. using too much detergent so it doesn't wash out. letting your bedding go too long between washes. letting your washer go too long between cleans. etc. anyway. lots of specific factors here, many of which may in fact not apply to you in particular!

but like. why get specific when instead we could assert You Know This Problem, Right? This Lost Traditional Wisdom Will Definitely Help You Personally!!

#just like. makes me mad as rhetoric bc like. *i* can evaluate yr Dramatic Tumblr Post critically and do independent research abt it #and determine how much of it applies to me #and like. the answer is: basically none but it's a good reminder to clean the washing machine‚ thx #but like. there are loads of ppl in the notes just like. nodding along very wide-eyed #to whom this ALSO may not be applicable but who have lapped up yr sloppy demagoguery #and it's just like. [FTN] admits *in this post* that they don't actually know all the ins and outs of this #and it's just like. then probably you shouldn't be climbing onto your soapbox to explain it to people just yet!! #and telling people to get Righteously Angry that this has been Kept From Them #anyway. extremely specific subtweet and honestly the consequences of blindly taking OP's advice would probably not be too bad #but it's just like. i get really frustrated with these bloggers who want to Dispense Advice #but aren't actually experts themselves‚ don't provide any citations for their assertions‚ and claim that things are Universally Applicable #which is just. never true!! people's situations vary!!! #and like. if everyone were equipped to critically evaluate this shit it'd be fine‚ probably #but they're not! people are like 'oh wow you sound confident‚ okay‚ information integrated into my worldview now!' #and it's just like. i realize the subject matter here is relatively low-stakes but it's like. the KIND of rhetoric here is. weird. #very like. There's Been a Conspiracy and You Should Believe Me Because I Sound Confident and Friendly and Like I'm On Your Side. #Reject the Innovations of Capitalism. Retvrn to the Old Ways. #and it's just like. hm what politicians does that remind me of! #anyway. sorry for this very vehement very specific subtweet i just. idk. genuinely think this strain of tumblr demagoguery is pernicious #and like. lots of it is perpetrated by liberals!! most of it ime! but it's the same damaging dynamic even so

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

#👋😭 hi... #i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone #i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭 #i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh... #uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂 #i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but #i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause #i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say... #i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu #it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media / #without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao #i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy #pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on #i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a #depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think #i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just #sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ???? #i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become #even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it #i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it #like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi #i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda #makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd #not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what #they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling #anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀 #i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say #this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel #like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭 #who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡

[sasssydaddy123]

I cannot fucking believe the audacity of property management. There's a section 8 apartment complex in the north west part of town that recently had a mass shooting (7 injured, thankfully no one dead). And guess what the complex did just days afterwards? Sent everyone a letter saying their rent would increase by $300 a month starting 2024. Are you fucking kidding me? SEVEN PEOPLE GOT SHOT and they're more concerned with the rent. Absolutely unreal. I get that business has to keep going, to a certain extent. How can you know that people have been shot and injured on your property and probably are drowning in medical debt now and still have the audacity to demand they pay more in rent or get kicked out. This is not the first and probably not the last shooting this year here and they're really raising rent? Fuck this fucking city and every greedy piece of shit landlord and property manager out there. I hope they all choke on their own wads of cash so we can roast them over a fire like the pigs they are

#eat the rich #eat the landlords #hit them over the head with a bat until their sludge for brains comes oozing out #make them feel the rage of the poor and needy they've ignored for their own gain #im so angry i just don't know what to do #how many more people have to become homeless before they realize their greed has ruined their own game #if you charge too much for a house then no one can afford it #then youre left with an empty property and hundreds of people kn the streets #and ppl ask why im so radical at a young age #fuckin look around man this shit is not gonna fly anymore #ramblings #angry rant #fuck landlords

[daz4i]

man if anyone else was in my situation I'd tell them "noooo don't listen to the people in your life who tell you you're making excuses and just being lazy, it's clear that you're in pain, not to mention executive dysfunction makes everything so much harder and depression draining you immediately after one action, be kinder to yourself" however. i am not anyone else

#parents 🤝 old therapist 🤝 friends a few years ago -> convincing me I'm lazy and making excuses to not do anything #it eased up a bit when i had the original crohn's scare bc suddenly ppl had to believe there might actually be smth wrong with me - #- and I'm not just faking my pain/it's just in my head. but the novelty of that passed even though it's still unclear if i have it or not #i don't know either. whether I'm being lazy or not. bc when I'm home alone for a week i DO do some of these things - #- that i normally struggle with. but 1 not all 2 as i mentioned i do need to lie down and recharge after everything #even if I'm not having stomach pains my muscles Do Not like me moving around that much but that might also be me being out of shape #which is think is what all those ppl i mentioned think. which is why they try to encourage me. it's not malicious or anything #but it still hurts a lot to hear. esp when it's coming from all directions and i still. can't. do. anything. #being told I'm just being lazy isn't as encouraging as they may think. tho at this point they're also expressing frustration- #- which i can't blame them for i mean I'd be frustrated too. i AM frustrated too #no one is meaner to me than myself after all #vent #man. that post hit hard akdlglg i didn't realize how much i have held up inside me abt this topic #I'm. really sad now. i just started the day and I'm already crying. damn

[tsubasaclones]

something something a character’s magic abilities being used as a metaphor for psychosis not in the godawful “everything was a hallucination the whole time uwu” way but in a “they can hear/see things other people can’t” way that is handled much more respectfully

#i can't believe im including this man in my post in a nice way for once do not be fooled i hate him so much but this one line was good #sorry i was thinking about episode 14 of the anime which is a fucking wild filler episode #where sakura couldn't decide going to the zoo or whatever other place #so then she straight up started hallucinating animal ears/limbs on the other ppl (except syaoran for some reason) #and then eventually it. look i really don't know how to explain this episode if you haven't seen it because it's insane #but like she's literally just hallucinating at first i don't know what to tell you #that episode is also crazy bc syaoran basically tells her she's causing the magic incidents that make the cards and she doesn't realize #that it applies to all the situations not just that specific one

[mainfaggot]

had a moment of whimsy followed by a moment of genuine irritation

#i went outside for 20 mins bc i felt like crawling out of my skin and thought swinging alone in the windy weather would maybe help me calm #down just a bit. like a little tiny bit #for the first 5 mins i felt like my heart would burst from the anxiety of being in my neighborhood and ppl seeing me through their windows #i get so weird about existing in public (has an anxiety disorder) #i started swinging aggressively and started calming down a bit #then this little kid got onto the swing next to me and his dad started pushing him #and i could hear the kid laughing through my headphones blasting music #i started smiling without realizing and then made eye contact w the kids dad while smiling 😭 #and tjen i took off my headphones bc i felt obligated to say hello just to be polite idk! #and i was like aww how old is heee so cute #the kid was 5 #and then the dad was like how about yourself? i went: im 20 haha #and he was like. Oh? i thought you were like 12 years old. 🤨 #PLEASE? #and then i was like haha yeah! i get that a lot! (no i don't?) #im actually a uni student #and he asked me what i was studying so i said psych #and he was like yeah youll need a masters there arent any jobs in that with just a bachelor's #and i was like I know right! ill probably get a PhD haha the job market is so horrible! #and then he was like so you live at home? and i was like yeah its so much cheaper! #and then awkward silence i said nice to meet u and got the fuck out of there #like why did he have to tell me i needed a masters Bitch I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW my life is already falling apart dont remidn em 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #it was way more wholesome when i jjst smiled silently at him and his cute ass chuld #z.post

[clemencetaught]

"Miss Nakamura's friends are quite an...eclectic bunch."

#( open. ) #the knight ( dash commentary. ) #the knight ( verse two. ) #guess what?? myungdae's muse is coming back with a vengence :) #well sorta! it's just a silly little dash commentary/thought i've had #since suki ( my aa oc ) is charismatic and doesn't realize it #and accidentally ends up befriend some...very powerful or unusual ppl #and i love that for her #patrick her acquiantance is....mildly amused if not a little worried #considering that he knows a lot of the ppl she does and he...doesn't quite like them as much FJSKLDJFSLK #also i have like?? a meta i wanna post that involve both patrick AND suki bc there's just?? #a lot i've been thinking about them both and how it parallels one another #anyways. i have a few hours on here to write b4 i gotta head out #don't mind me using his 2d fc for this too :'D

[britneyshakespeare]

i went to a galentine's party at my brother and sister-in-law's house tonight. and by galentine's that is to say that my sister-in-law was hosting and there were other women invited and my brother had a few friends of his own in the basement. it was really not that many ppl actually; at the height of it there were 8 adults and 3 children (two of them infants) in the whole place. but. my brother had a friend there i had never met and. i actually don't look that much like my brother jon. the guy asked me and kaily what town we were from and i was like "oh do people not always realize i'm his little sister"

#i know im almost 25 but im my brothers' baby sister forever #when i answered the town name he had like. a realization lol #that guy when he said where he grew up i realized he would've also gone to my high school. i thought he might've gone there at the same tim #as me or at least jon (4 years older than me) but he's actually thirty-one. loooool. #i can never tell how old people are #tales from diana #jon's gonna be 29 this year. FUCK #dan is turning 31 #so that guy was probably a grade above dan #well he would've gone to school at the same time as my brothers but that doesnt mean theyd have known each other #me. i never would've known him in my life #yeah whenever i'm in public w jon ppl don't necessarily seem to know that's my brother #and i'm used to that bc there isn't an obvious resemblance between us #but in jon's HOUSE. whenever i meet one of jon's friends it's like yeah you know that i'm his little sister in 0.2 seconds #i will say something obviously much more familiar than a regular friend will lol #i'm my purest and most annoying form around my brothers

[ishizu-ka]

☁️ relax, Sleepyhead ☁️ ☁️

#hades hypnos #I'll have to design my own Hypnos soon but I like the hades design so much its so simple and fluffy #Pasithea #hades supergiant #my art #ishizusart #I don't know if ppl are tired of mythos comics but I personally am tired of only one couple being the mains #there's a plethora of myths to enjoy and retell #PTS wip #pts #ANYWAY IRRELEVANT TO HOW COMFY HOW COZY THIS COUPLE IS #just realized I'm going to have to redesign Hypnos since I'm making a comic about them #but I like his hades game design a lot its so simple and poofy

[whichwoods]

My legs are weak. There are tears in my eyes. I hope Chapter 4 is out soon. You’re writing is so good and the story is so well written…. I’m speechless. Actually..

I’m not being dramatic when I say I’d pay good money if it goes to a fund that makes it to where the universe doesn’t make us writers go through that “We wanna write but…. Do we?” Phase and it causes fics to sit unupdated for over a month LMAO

Words do not describe my love for your Lucemond. That hug at the end? I knew that shit felt fucking great

aw tysm!! 💕 i'm glad people have liked the new chapter, i'm hoping the next update will be up later this month :)

SO much relief in that hug. after weeks-long separation, and nixing communication halfway through that >:) they have a LOT to talk about

#lsts #i don't like sharing future snippets until the chapter is almost done but lmk if there's anything about lsts verse y'all would like to know #writing hcs is fun for me but idk where to always start and i never think ppl will wanna hear the ones i do #to speak more on that hug #luke and aemond being vv stressed abt what seem like different things but boil down to being the same one #luke's subconscious relief like 'huh didn't realize how much i missed him' #while aemond internally: 'HE'S ALLLLLLIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEE' #kidding but y'all will see his thoughts next update

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

Funny that I say something like ‘to overshare or not overshare’ when I’m going to anyway. Pfft.

So, hell, why not. Rambling MGS4 thoughts below. Though I won’t be using my standard MGS tags, since I want to keep it out of the main tags. This is all mainly nonsense anyway, but I want to eventually put them out there b/c I want to replay this again and Idk. You guys know how allergic I am to shutting up.

TW: Medical, Death, Abuse, SA Mention (Non-Descriptive)

I finished MGS4 in a haze, crying hysterically and bothered to a point I couldn’t even lay my finger on. For a while I let it sit and just didn’t know what, exactly, had bothered me so much.

As the game went on, I noticed vaguely somewhere around maybe the half way mark this was bugging me, but I chalked it up to the sad nature of the game itself, and left it at that. I have no issue with the themes within the game, and you all know how much I embrace bothersome or disturbing content. And if you don’t, well. Now you do. I’m not shy about liking morally questionable content, nor disturbing content.

In any case-that wasn’t the issue.

No, the issue was Snake’s aging. Or, more specifically, the way the game presented it. Of all things.

But-eh, hear me out.

When I was a teenager, my life was hectic. I worked to help my mum pay the bills, but had to quit after an SA that I was blamed for (I was sixteen, and the victim, but I’d apparently asked for it. Whatever, fuck cops anyway). My grandfather was slowly dying from terminal illness, and time not spent at school or helping my mum was taking care of him. He had a variety of illnesses, but one of them, COPD, had him suffering violent coughing fits that he’d black out from. When he used to sit up, he’d cough himself unconscious, and sometimes end up on the floor. I’d call ambulances those days; I wasn’t able to lift him. I knew how to distribute his meds, his masks. All that stuff. I’d be woken up from a dead sleep to him calling my name, or coughing so loud I knew he needed the meds now. Fill the mask, do the tubes, fix the oxygen tank levels. I was very sleep deprived for most of my High School years.

(Only to go to class the next day and have my friends nag me about my slipping grades, askdnsajk) anyway.

I was pretty close to my grandpa. My dads, well anyway. Not worth discussing rn. My grandmother, his wife, died when I was 14.  I was raised by my mum and my grandparents. My grandfather wasn’t even that old during all this-early 60′s, and everyday I just watched him slowly fading away, unable to do ANYTHING to stop the inevitable as he had another coughing fit, another shake, etc.

In any case, he passed when I was 19, and time has it’s natural way of having things get pushed aside, I went through even more upheaval in my early 20′s that lead to a serious mental breakdown around 25-26 that had me admitted to a psyche ward. Eventually I was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder, Psychosis and PTSD,

Things changed, I got my mental health under control, and life carries on.

And then I played MGS4 this year.

It’s funny, things I’d forgotten all about just crashing to the surface, seeing reflections through a screen like that. How my brain was ticking through watching Snake smoke through his violent coughing fits (Something my grandfather did up until one of his hospitalizations FINALLY got him to quit). The general helplessness Hal has, because there’s NOTHING you can do. Hell these days *I’m* chronically ill but not..terminally ill. I think they did much of Snake’s ageing and decline well, I guess for my brain? Too well.

S’funny, and maybe even kinda dumb. Stuff you don’t even think bothers you anymore, just sort of. Comes too a head.

It’s not like this post has a point. I am capable of controlling my own media intake. And there’s a large part of me that even wants to replay it! I just think it’s..strange how brains work. And how the most random things can be so big when they reflect your life in the most..disconnected and bizarre way.

Or something. Maybe I just wanted this out in the open cos that’s how I function (though some of my friends had heard this before from me).

Brains are weird. Life’s weird. But hey.

#nate rambles #in ANY case it's not like i don't like the game i DID enjoy playing it quite a lot #it only took me a month to realize that most ppl didn't spend six hrs after finishing it sobbing hysterically and numb #and it took me even longer to realize what upset me so much and why it was even such a big deal #but ya know im not that bright all the time as i've said #oh and i think this goes without saying but i am more than ok nw #it's just interesting to me how long it took me to clue myself in

[forbiddennhoney]

i hope all my friends who i don't talk to as much as i wish i did know they're constantly in my thoughts

#personal #i am in a constant state of agony because of how much i struggle to carry casual convos ): #bc i want to be closer to so many ppl #and i also stink at convos that aren't about specific things #and it makes it really hard to make friends bc the time it takes me to feel comfortable talking regularly is like...... long #and then i don't bother bc i feel like an ass #my heart hurts a little and I'm gonna cry from this insecurity today i can just feel it #esp cause today is the first time my best friend and i are gonna hang on vc even though we've been friends for like 7 years #and ik they don't mind bc they have similar hang ups and they love me and they're really patient with me and such #but also i feel so pathetic that i cant even regularly just call ppl to hang out #i feel like I'm a terrible person and the shittiest friend for having so many limits and boundaries and moving so slow #and the thing is i used to know how to go faster in friendships but between abuse and skill regression I'm...... terrible now #stupid asshole ex #the more i think of my struggles with interpersonal things the more i realize how much he impacted it #like i already stunk at making friends IRL by the time i met him like that's always been a thing #but i used to be so good at making friends online!! #and then he came into my life (as a friend first) and slowly isolated me from everyone for a few years before declaring that we had been- #-dating for a year (we had never officially started a relationship) #and then isolated me more and more until i literally only had him #4 years total with him in my life. #4 years that were crucial to my personhood (17-21) #4 years that by the time i finally managed to get him out of my life i had severely blunted social skills & more trauma than I already had #and now that I'm almost 4 years out from him being in my life (next spring) im realizing just how much he fucked me up #and took advantage of me and exacerbated issues he knew i had (bc i confided in him- he was my friend at first after all) #and even with a lot of work i still have the social skills of a severely abused reactive dog in a shelter #i should talk with my therapist more about this #i still haven't even fully shared my story with her about how he treated me bc every time i start i get so scared and upset i just sob #ugh):