#i don't know what else to do or where to go so ill just. overshare and dump this here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

avpdpossum · 5 months

Note

Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

#poss.answers #avpd #actually avpd #actually avoidant #avoidant pd #avoidant personality disorder #cluster c

21 notes · View notes

genderfluid-faerie-bf · 1 year

Text

large, large vent post. tw's in tags

before i begin. this isn't an 'i can't do this anymore' post. i can still do this. i'm going to be fine. it's more of a 'i should not have to do this' post. i. hate my family. every single person. i don't care anymore. i wish i had the strength to just. say it all. say every venomous, violent, awful thought in my head because god knows they deserve it. the intense. the everything, i don't know where to begin. i have anxiety. i have been diagnosed with anxiety. it's a known thing. and i have struggled for years. years. i can recall being eight years old, lying in the bunk bed i shared with my little brother, and lying awake terrified. i have not had a single nights sleep where i didnt lie awake panicking for an hour or two before i could finally rest since then. i'm almost eighteen now. my family is transphobic. not homophobic- just transphobic. small blessings, i suppose. as you could guess from my url, i'm genderfluid and amab. i wear dresses. i wear crop tops and makeup and i want. to look like a girl some days. here's some reactions from my immediate family: younger brother, 15: you look like a retard father: why would you do that youngest brother, 9: that's a nice dress. looks gross with the armpit hair tho mother: *disgusted face* I wish i weren't with them. being around my family causes my anxiety to spike and me to have a panic attack. my heart races, i begin to sweat, i can't think properly. if it get's worse, i start to shake, and begin feeling nauseated. any worse, and i throw up. the earlier symptoms, i have every. single. time. i sit down in the same room as a family member. i feel so unsafe i've taken to barricading the door to my room, so i can have some space where i won't be in fear. i flinch whenever one of them reaches near me, although the only one that has actually hit me in like. five years. is my youngest brother.(although they all have at some point) with all of this in mind, i have to stop barricading my door, or i need to find somewhere else to live. i need to shave every day, or i need to find somewhere else to live. i've already been forced to leave my home once. eventually, i had to come back as well. i. am. not. safe. i have what is considered disordered eating- although i consider it very probable it's evolved into an actual eating disorder. probably anorexia. the idea of eating very nearly anything makes me feel ill. some things i used to love (pasta, for instance) cause me to physically retch. i dont know why. i struggle so badly with trusting people that i overshare everything, and even the smallest things can set me off. i nearly stabbed myself yesterday because my wifi went out and i couldnt talk to my safe person. i tried to drown myself, over lockdown, making me the third person in this five person family to nearly drown me. although the others were accidental and years ago dw. my younger brother was the first person to call me a faggot. it was meant as a joke, to show off to his stupid friends. it still hurt. my mother tore up one of my books in front of me, years ago. she can't even remember it. it still hurt. i don't know what i can say. i want to break things, i want them to hurt the way i have been hurt. but i can't. i can't make myself do that. and it makes me weak.

#tw ed #eating disorder #tw suicidal behaviour #suicide #suicidal ideation #self harm #gaslighting /gen #like im dead serious real gaslighting #anxiety #transphobia #f slur #fag #depression #gaslighting #retard #emetophobia #vomit tw

1 note · View note

alastors-wife · 4 years

Text

lol

#im sorry please just ignore me at this point #i don't know what else to do or where to go so ill just. overshare and dump this here #i really feel like this is wholly and entirely my fault #there's so fucking much i don't even know where to begin #i thought i was loved. i thought i had someone who would keep me safe. but it was a fucking LIE and one i almost died for #i never grew out of old habits. i never got past it they just got worse and worse as i got older #i still have nightmares of horrible shit that happened to me and scream and cry out for somebody who doesn't exist #i feel sick. i really have always had nothing. and i feel like i can't even talk about it because it'll put me in danger #or people will get tired of me. i don't wanna do that. i don't wanna drive people away but i am so fucking scared #and worse yet we have this stupid bullshit of just... my stupid schizo brain unleashing all of my worst fears onto my fixations like #''he's never going to love you!! he never would''#''nobody and especially not him will want to deal with your psychotic ass or your alters'' like yes thank you i def need that #i don't want to talk anymore. i just want to keep everything hidden. pretend to be normal.#suffer quietly so that I'm more palatable to deal with #i don't want to be visibly a mess anymore. but i don't know how to stop #i don't know how to hide. i genuinely cannot remember a time i was ever able to and i hate it so fucking much #ask to tag?#i need help i need to go to the hospital but i cant. i cant there's nothing i can do #all i can think about is how badly i want to strangle myself and bleed out but I'm helpless.#and my family doesn't care about me or my safety enough to do a fucking thing no matter how much i beg to literally just go to the ER #self harm tw

0 notes

elia-de-silentio · 3 years

Text

Vanitas and affection: a complicated relationship

In light of recent chapters and waiting for the next to deliver our new dose of pain, I've decided to make a bit of analysis on how Vanitas relates to affection.

Vanitas enters this world, and gets the first of a long series of traumas. A classic: mother dies in childbirth, the baby is blamed for existing. Vanitas had internalized this thinking from his father ... or maybe it was a reasoning he made on his own (he says that his father 'must have hated him', but does not recall the man actually telling him so), and his father did not correct him - either because he subconsciously agreed or because he wasn't the most emotionally attuned man in the world.

After all, the only thing certain about Vanitas's father is his tendency to self-sacrifice: he abandoned his birth family and respectable profession to follow the woman he loved in her travelling caravan, even if he didn't like the rest of the people there; he gave up his life to save his son.

And this latter part is what furthers Vanitas's trauma, as he will feel an extra dose of guilt for causing his father's sacrifice.

After the death of his family, he is taken by the Chasseurs to be trained and become one of them. His strong hatred for vampires fueled him, and it's likely he was quite good at fighting, given what we see of him now. But alas, he caught the attention of Moreau.

Vanitas's damnation was his high empathy. As Luna will later point out, he would be able to escape; but Moreau had faked his death by killing a kid that looked like him, thus triggering his trauma of 'other people sacrificing for his sake'.

And then, he thought that even if he escaped, someone else would be tortured in his place. The reasoning is actually more based in self-loathing than reality, as attested by the existence of n.70 and 71; so he turned his reason for being there into trying to get more torture and lift it from the other children whenever he could.

Then he gets saved. Well, he likely doesn't perceive it like that, because Luna is a vampire, especially the Vampire of the Blue Moon whose blood Moreau injected him to try and turn him into a vampire. Nevertheless, there appears to have been a somewhat peaceful period between the escape from Moreau and the start of the series: we see Luna take care of him and Misha, giving them shelter, teaching them about malnomens and trying her hand at life lessons; we see little Vanitas do most of the chores, even if with a standoffish attitude; we see little Misha basking in the happiness of a somewhat stable and nice family situation.

Then something terrible happens.

It is revealed that due to Moreau's experiments, the kids are not exactly human anymore, but they aren't vampires either; their body can't substain this state of being, and they will die if they aren't turned into kins of the Blue Moon. Misha accepts, Vanitas refuses, wanting to stay human. Next thing we know, they are both kins of the Blue Moon with Marks of Possession, and Luna is dead.

As of the time of this writing, it is not clear exactly what happened; we know that Luna died, and that Vanitas played some role in it. Misha outright accuses him of killing her, but the framing of the actual events is quite ambiguous.

Vanitas, on his part, seems to have conflicting feelings: he says he wants to take revenge on Luna for drinking his blood, but when he's half-delirious, he mutters that he didn't really hate her; he appearently made Misha some promise that he didn't keep, and he is crushed by guilt as a result.

But whatever happened, his consent on the kin-making was ignored (just like it always happened in Moreau's laboratory) and another person that was close to him died either at his own hand, or because of him. And he gets some other trauma on top of an already long list.

Moreover, he was surprised to find out that Misha was alive. So, for some time, he believed the person who he loved like a brother was dead. Add good old grief to the mix.

So, we get to the Vanitas of the very first chapters of the manga. An outgoing, cocky individual ... a mask. After all, every time he has shown his actual feelings of anger and grief, it didn't turn out very well for him in the end, did it?

It also allows him to annoy and gross out people, specifically Noé and Jeanne. Nobody really likes his arrogance and pushiness, so they won't give him the affection he doesn't deserve.

Then, the aftermath of the Bal Masqué. Vanitas is provoking Ruthven, and Noé goes unexpectedly to protect him. To take risks for his sake. This already scares him, but then Noé has the gall to go and try to understand him! His reaction has to be more extreme: he flat out tries to attack Noé with a knife and tries to get him away, whereas he had been pretty much stalking him up to this point. But Noé refuses; and Vanitas is maybe just a little comforted and moved, enough to stop trying to push him away.

Then there is the Catacomb Arc, where a new character is introduced: Roland. He doesn't show spite to Vanitas, but still sees him with condescension, denying that he is acting out of his own free will. And this, to the former Chasseur who was left by the rest of them in Moreau's clutches, is untolerable. Roland means well, but he's going at it the wrong way.

After the fight with Roland, there is another argument between Vanitas and Noé. Vanitas does exactly what Noé had done before: shields him. This sends Noé on a sermon about how Vanitas, as a human, is weak and shouldn't take such risks, which infuriates the other boy: he bites back by calling Noé overconfident, citing the Ruthven accident as an example. This confuses Noé, because didn't he want him to become his shield?

I suspect that this was both Vanitas tendency to sacrifice himself for others, and a sign of tentative trust towards Noé. He does the same thing the vampire did for him ... and got rebuked, and called weak for his trouble. Noé's attitude is too patronizing to be seen as an actual sign of concern,and his already bad mood sours considerably.

Well, there is to say that after a similar crisis repeats itself a chapter later, complete with anti-vampire slurs on Vanitas part, Noè amends ... by using him as a fake hostage against Roland, which is still better that treating him as if he was weak.

Now, Noé might be naive in a lot of regards, but he is not stupid. From that moment onwards, he gets that Vanitas will be treated as an equal. He won't force him into dangerous situations, but he won't even treat him like he's too frail for it. He will be incouraging, but not condescending. And the result is that he actually snaps Vanitas out from his trauma-induced flashbacks, and gets him to be more open and trusting than he has ever been.

In the Gevaudan arc, Vanitas's emotional connections get shaken on two fronts: Noé 's and Jeanne's.

In this arc, he is the one to encourage and support Noé. He gives him advice on how to handle Astolfo; he gets worried about him when he's captured by Chloé (even if he expresses it in his own way).

He saves Noé from getting lost into Jean-Jacques's memories, listens to what he has to say, and concedes to what he wants, where at the start of the manga he was all 'my way or the highway'. He even almost (almost) admits that he was worried about Noé!

He still receives some actual support: demostrations of Noé's spirit which are good for the soul, and a proclamation that he believes in what Vanitas thinks about the origin of Malnomen, the first time a vampire says something like that. Vani plays grumpy, but he is obviously very shaken, in a positive way.

He finally shows Jeanne some actual support: he is cold to her after he was unwillingly vulnerable in her presence due to his illness, but pushes that aside rather quickly, in order to help her realize what she truly wants (saving Chloé instead of killing her) and that she's right to want it. He reminds her that she's a person, not a tool.

And she's grateful for it, and has definitely no qualms about expressing it. The result is that our hero spends days in blue screen, to then have a complete freakout at the possibility of being actually in love with Jeanne. He's so out of it, he ends up oversharing his feelings of being undeserving of love to a Roland who he doesn't like and a Olivier he has never met before. Still, it's the first time he flat-out says his issues.

This brings us to his rooftop conversation with Noé. I really liked the vampire's behaviour here: he was comforting in a sort of roundabout way, à la Vanitas. He said that he is happy Vanitas is the way he is, even if he still doesn't like him very much. Translation: you're a way better person than you think you are, and you deserve to be loved. This is coming from a totally unbiased place, I'm not a weird person who would like you or something.

And this is the last conversation we see between the two of them: as of the time of this writing, Noé has been compelled to drink Misha's blood, and Vanitas has just arrived on the scene.

Vanitas has seen his self-loathing perspective challenged and has changed a lot in the span of a rather short time, and I really don't know how he'll react to Noé learning the details of his past; he sure won't want any form of compassion. Personally, I suspect he'll be very cold to Noé for quite some time, possibly even trying to drive him away, before a reconciliation.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!

#vnc #the case study of vanitas #vanitas no carte #vanitas no shuki #vnc vanitas #vnc meta #vnc analysis #vnc noe #vnc jeanne #vnc luna #vnc mikhail #elia's recaps

262 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 4 years

Note

How come the people in your fics always respond so well to oversharing? Most people, faced with the kind of issues Mosk and Augus faced, would run screaming in the opposite direction. Eran, Augus, Julvia, Ondine, etc nearly always know the right thing to say. Not every time maybe, but most of the time. And they don't get irritated at other people for being ill or depressed or whatever, like people do irl. None of them every say to someone else they can't be a stranger's therapist, for instance.

Contd: I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your writing and I love all the deep heart to heart convos everyone seems to have with everyone else, I just couldn't help wishing- say, A is rejected and abandoned by B, all of B's friends agree A is too weird and clingy and B isn't made out to be some sort of villain. Neither A nor B are villains. Like that. Sorry I'm not more articulate, I guess you can see why I never tried to put this in my own fics lol

Hi anon!

I mean, the most basic answer to all of this is because it’s fiction, not reality, and I’m writing a romance, not a story about A and B parting ways because they’re fundamentally incompatible (which sounds a bit like what you’re describing, tbh). It sounds like you’re describing a different genre. I’m trying to think of incidences where this happens (and only ever as set ups to the ‘proper romance’ between say A and C) on screen in the hundreds of romances I’ve read, and I can’t think of a single incidence. Doesn’t mean they’re not out there, but...that’s not a romance trope.

Probably the only time I can think of it happening is in a Roan Parrish book, Rend. But the characters stay together, so it doesn’t meet your criteria of one character rejecting and abandoning another, in the book, the rejection is extremely temporary, it’s not abandonment. If you mean a scenario where the characters stay together, then I’m extra confused, because I don’t believe I villainise any of my main characters for mistakes they’re making in a relationship. Maybe some examples might help?

A more complex answer would need to look at your points a bit more individually.

* There are no therapists in the Fae realm. So how can anyone recommend one, except maybe Ash? (And, it hasn’t actually done him a great amount of good outside of how he deals with Gwyn). For the most part, older fae are of the opinion that authentic sharing is important, and often make space for it. It’s a kind of storytelling. Literally one of the fundamental unspoken tenets in Fae Tales is ‘better out than in’ particularly if tempered with compassion

* Your definition of oversharing is wildly different to mine, I think! Do you just mean ‘people who talk honestly about their feelings even when those feelings are ugly?’ Or ‘people who talk about difficult things in their past?’ To me, neither of those is oversharing. It would be oversharing if one went up to a total stranger during their dinner at a restaurant and started telling their life story or talking about their depression. None of my main characters do that. (Davix probably would though).

* I have written stories where one character cannot listen to another character’s self-hatred and suggests a therapist instead, in a world where therapists are canonically available (The Wind that Cuts the Night, Elliott makes it a pretty firm boundary). To a degree, Bull also threatens to walk away from Cullen more than once when he becomes too antagonistic and self-destructive in Stuck on the Puzzle.

* Which of my characters overshares by your definition? I feel like I’m missing something (which is possible, there’s millions of words to think of). But Gwyn is chronically private to the point where he often needs to be tortured to talk about himself. Augus is also private. Eran shares his feelings pretty openly, but in a way that is pretty self-responsible (with the exception of the first half of book 1, which he learns/grows from).

Mosk has been incredibly private re: details of his family and his torture (to the point where we’re heading towards the end of book 2 and Mosk still hasn’t described anything he went through with Davix/Olphix unless he’s pushed to, and he hardly talks about his family unless Eran prompts him), though he’ll be open about his hatred and emotions, and Eran has started putting down boundaries around that when Mosk gets cruel/mean about it. I honestly feel that, more than anything, I actually write characters who are chronic undersharers, it’s one of the reasons they’re so messed up in the first place. So I feel like we’re working off really different definitions there?

* Re: People not being irritated at others for being depressed or ill like in real life, yeah, selfishly I’ll just straight up admit this is because I’m a physically ill/mentally ill person irl who gets really tired of the stigma, ignorance and cruelty of people when it comes to these subjects. In fiction, I don’t have to indulge a broken world (in the same way that I don’t have to indulge homophobia if I don’t want to), it’s allowed to be what I want it to be. But also, all of my main characters have been through incredible depression, many to the point of considering suicide or certainly self-destruction, so they’re singularly well equipped to understand when another character is going through it.

Tbh, if romance suddenly became about what you’re describing re: A and B, I’d probably stop reading it (or at least not read it as much). What people need from what they’re reading/writing is highly individualistic and variable! It sounds like you need something you’re not getting, but what you’re describing is not something I need in my fiction to such an explicit degree, esp. since I think I’m not getting some of your context here - you think my characters overshare, I think they undershare for ex. - a character genuinely sharing their emotional state is so unusual that it’s often a massive and significant plot event when they finally do it, all of Fae Tales is built around the few times characters actually genuinely cathart their emotional states and the reasons around them, whether it’s Gwyn revealing he’s Unseelie, or Augus finally being forced to talk about what the Raven Prince did to him, or Mosk finally being cornered into sharing the fact that he killed Davix etc.

If you need to write a character where one of your characters abandons another character and they part ways and no one makes either out to be a villain, you can! But that’s not a romance.

In reality, people are incompatible all the time and walk away from friendships, colleagues, relationships and more because of it. It is a fact of life that you will lose far more friends than you will ever make, because of these rejections, abandonments and incompatibilities. It doesn’t make either person the villain. I’ve known plenty of people I’m no longer friends with or partners with, and we’re just...incompatible people. But you’re not likely to see these storylines in romances, because what that describes isn’t compatible with the romance genre, which is about happy endings / hopeful endings between A and B, and not rejection/abandonment.

#asks and answers #fae tales #fae tales verse #the oversharing / undersharing thing is i think #one of the things i'm getting the least #augus chooses to *make* gwyn open up to him #and in many ways #eran does the same #it's not like gwyn would have ever talked about his depression / stuff otherwise with augus #if augus didn't cling on it and pluck it loose #but i just...#don't know #perhaps some examples might help?#beyond just mentioning character names?#and a definition on oversharing would be awesome too #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue #Anonymous

21 notes · View notes

punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Jac & Amelia

Jac: Can you believe this girl? Amelia: No, you're right, she's unbelievable! Jac: I can't believe she thinks so much of herself Jac: who told her she was so great and was it April fools when they lied to her face? Amelia: it'll be sir from now on and she'll be loving it Jac: As if she didn't get it just because she's so loud and he couldn't bother with the tantrum Amelia: he had no idea what to do when Ciara started crying, we all saw that Jac: Exactly, she just made him feel uncomfortable Jac: not cool Amelia: it's really not Jac: Not to mention not cool in the literal sense Jac: so lame Amelia: yeah Amelia: did you see how Connor and his friends looked at her? Amelia: I'm 😳 for her Jac: She has no shame Jac: It's no wonder Keeley doesn't want to be her friend any more Jac: I heard she like, ruined her last birthday party Jac: not surprised Amelia: showing off at the ice rink does sound like something she'd do Jac: Probably 😭 she wasn't the next Michelle Kwan Jac: she thinks she's good at EVERYTHING, which is cringe when you can't back that up Amelia: and when you put that much effort in, to impress sir of all people Amelia: he's not someone she should have a crush on Jac: Talk about daddy issues Amelia: my parents know everyone, they probably know hers Jac: OMG, I wonder what they're like Jac: she has a sister too, right? Jac: but she doesn't seem as nightmareish Amelia: I think she's in the year below but I've never heard anything about her Amelia: she must not be so Savannah-ish Jac: Poor thing is probably suffocated Jac: have to be so extra to get any attention with a sister like that Amelia: thank god I've never been to any family dinners at her house Amelia: who is she friends with now? Jac: You'll have to corner your mum, find out what their deal is Jac: I think she goes 'round with that Molly girl and her friends Jac: but I don't think they're like HER friends, you knoq Amelia: come over tonight, I've already sent her a text and it's totally fine Jac: Cool, I can sleep? Jac: anything to get away from my own annoying sister for the night Amelia: absolutely! Amelia: hopefully she'll have less boring gossip than when I asked her about that new girl last year Jac: Yay 😚 Jac: I'm sure she can be relied upon for the tea Jac: if not we'll look up their tragic old people socials Amelia: being on the board of school governors is such a middle aged in Amelia: that'll be where she knows Savannah's parents from if they are anything like her Jac: Why else would you do it? Jac: There's no funding to allocate 😂 Amelia: 😂 Jac: Though, your mum has to tell us in advanced for the next fundraiser, so we can actually get in there before Savannah just takes it all over Amelia: if people would pay her to 🤫🤐 that'd be a charitable act to us Jac: That's SUCH a good idea though actually Jac: watch her flop a sponsored silence 😂 Amelia: her sister would be 💔 Amelia: thinking it's her moment Jac: Awh 😬🤭 Amelia: oh god, I'm too stupid, I did not click her last name Amelia: her dad is a self proclaimed big deal, it all makes sense now Jac: Gross 😫 Jac: links? Amelia: they're like 🤑 Amelia: [links] Jac: She does have such wannabe richgirl vibes Jac: and she looks like him Amelia: she does 😬🤭 Jac: awkward Jac: also that there's barely any sign of her mum on these socials... Amelia: I wonder if he's flirted with my mum Amelia: she won't tell us Jac: but we'll know from what she DOESN'T say 😏 Amelia: this afternoon is going to drag so hard Jac: What even is social skills Jac: such a non-class, so dull 🙄 Jac: we should go to the shops before going to yours though, get snacks Jac: AND if we get dinner your mum will be thrilled with us 😇 Amelia: 💐! Amelia: you're onto something Amelia: do you think I should tint my lashes? Jac: I know 😋 Jac: Are you serious? but your hair is SO dark Amelia: exactly, they should be naturally thicker than this Jac: Okay but make sure you get a good kit Jac: Poppy Masters in the year above us got a cheap one and they all fell out Jac: her eyebrows too 😱 Amelia: oh no Jac: She's too ginger anyway, it would have looked ridiculous if it went right Amelia: is she the one who usually looks orange? Jac: Yeah...it's unfortunate 😬 Jac: she's not allowed to dye her hair because her mam reckons she'll regret spoiling her 'natural beauty' Amelia: her mum gets botox though Jac: Seriously? Jac: I thought she was a young mum too, like you know, had her TOO young young Jac: what a state Amelia: she thought my mum got it too and was asking her where and everything Amelia: because wherever she went cut her off for wanting to keep going like all the time Jac: The cheek of some people Jac: that's like Savannah levels of no shame Jac: your mum must've been SO embarrassed for her Amelia: I was standing right there and then she gave me a talk about our natural beauty, since I owe it to her, sorry dad Jac: Well you are super beautiful 🤷 Amelia: but yours was a model and you look just like her, neither of you are in people's faces about it Amelia: 😳 stop it please mother Amelia: I don't wanna turn into Savannah Jac: You could NEVER Amelia: have you seen her socials? She really loves herself Jac: I'll go look now Jac: I bet it's all selfies though Amelia: EVERYTHING she wears is designer Amelia: we get it 🤑💸 Jac: 🙄 like way to show you have no friends or real hobbies Amelia: does she do anything but shop and study? Amelia: 🥱 Jac: Clearly not Jac: She can't be that rich or she wouldn't go to our school Jac: or live in the catchment area even Amelia: maybe her invisible mum is trying to make her more humble Amelia: she goes on holiday constantly if this feed is anything to go by Jac: we might have to help her with that goal, honestly Amelia: what are you 🤔? Jac: Well, she needs teaching when to be quiet and when to just stop Jac: so we need to find something that she wouldn't wanna overshare Amelia: but now she's sir's favourite, aren't you worried we'd end up in trouble? Jac: it can't come from us, of course Jac: it won't be hard to just get out there Jac: anyway, how long is he actually going to be able to deal with how much she is Amelia: if you tell Is anything she'll spread it around Jac: and she never remembers where she heard it Jac: maybe we can think of something that will stop her being favourite Jac: hmm Amelia: like she's 😍🥰😘 for him Amelia: if he can't handle tears Jac: I mean, it isn't even a stretch Jac: we all saw her so Amelia: and the daddy issues are real Jac: Exactly Jac: like, it's not Sir's fault your dad is the worst Jac: do you wanna facetime her later? Amelia: should we? Jac: Is, I mean, obvs 😅 Jac: she might be a bit jealous she wasn't invited but she'll still be happy we called her Amelia: what if she wants to come over though? Jac: we'll have to pretend we've got somewhere to be after Jac: so she doesn't go on and on Jac: some club, a reservation with your parents 🤷 Jac: it'll be better to tell her, I'm not messaging it, I only trust you like that Jac: she could turn on us and say we were gossiping or whatever, some pettiness Amelia: I do wanna take you somewhere cool since my dad's working late Jac: That sounds fun Jac: do you have somewhere in mind already? is it a surprise? 😋 Amelia: it doesn't have to be a surprise but yeah, my cousin gave me the idea, so I know you'll like it Amelia: the one you met at my parents anniversary party Jac: I like surprises Jac: it sounds intriguing Jac: Isabelle is definitely not coming Amelia: follow my lead with my mum, okay? Amelia: she'd only say no if she knew where we were actually going Jac: Of course Jac: I know how to play it Amelia: I trust you Jac: ❤❤❤ Amelia: if Is feels left out she can come with us when we go to Savannah's 🏠 Amelia: I've worked out where it is Amelia: she seriously does overshare on socials Jac: As if Jac: you're as smart as she is dumb, seriously Jac: probably wants people to show up, so she can show off some more Amelia: yeah Amelia: Is wouldn't spy as subtly as us, maybe I'll uninvite her Amelia: before she like falls into their recycling bins Jac: 😂😂 Jac: Bless her Jac: she had a bit of salad stuck in her teeth ALL afternoon yesterday lunch Jac: it's like she never looks in a mirror sometimes Amelia: I can't believe Declan asked her out! Amelia: nobody's ever asked me Jac: I just hope for her sake she hasn't got a reputation with the boys already or he'll be expecting something Jac: loads of them fancy you though Jac: like Luke H Amelia: he cares more about French verbs than French kissing and he knows I'll let him copy a few of my answers Amelia: which is fine because unlike Isabelle I don't know how to 💋 Jac: It isn't hard Jac: can't be if she can master it, no offence Jac: and boys LOVE a teaching moment don't they 🙄🙄 Jac: don't want a girl who's clearly done it too many times already Amelia: that isn't a rep I want Amelia: so for now, maybe it's a good thing I freeze up around boys Jac: You're so cute Jac: the boys our age are so immature anyway, there is NO point Amelia: yeah, it's no wonder I can't think of any of them that I'd let 💋 me Jac: What about Leo? Jac: everyone fancies him Amelia: and he knows it Amelia: just like Savannah Jac: Yeah Jac: do you think she's even that pretty? Amelia: she is, but I think you're so much prettier Jac: you're just saying that 'cos you're my best friend Jac: but I appreciate it anyway 😚 Amelia: I could be her best friend instead but I'm not Jac: Imagine Jac: glorified bag holder sounds more legit Amelia: she'd hate where I'm taking you tonight Amelia: not enough mirrors and selfie lighting Jac: 😏 Jac: dark corners and 🚫📸 is way more fun Jac: that's why we're friends Amelia: best friends Jac: forever Amelia: and ever Amelia: do you wanna skip social skills? Jac: didn't you like, JUST get out of detention with Hilary? 🤔😆 Amelia: yeah Amelia: the timing's right Jac: to book yourself back in? Jac: I do HATE that lesson Amelia: we can say you're ill if you're worried about joining me in detention Amelia: Savannah's display was sickening Amelia: and you're 😇 enough to get away with it Jac: I hate that I can't escape her Jac: you know she's in EVERY one of my classes, literally Amelia: whenever you want to, we'll just go Jac: I will need to get an outfit Jac: as you're taking me somewhere Jac: I was going to ask to borrow your new top but this way, we can go shopping somewhere more exciting than just tescos for the dinner Amelia: my new top would look better on you but there'll be other dark corners for you to wear it in Jac: Not even, you looked so good in it on Friday Amelia: 😳 Amelia: I did feel good on Friday, we should do that again Jac: Definitely Jac: Where do you think Declan is gonna take Is out? Amelia: his sister works at the bowling alley, doesn't she? He'll use her discount Jac: the shoes are SUCH a look 🤭 Jac: guess she can't get burger and chips stuck in between her teeth though so that's a plus Jac: romantic ❤ Amelia: annoyingly, because I'm quite good at 🎳 Jac: Who's he friends with, you could make it a double date Jac: if you beat her though she'd be so mad 😠 she's the sporty one !!! Amelia: I'm not going unless you do too, who would you want? Amelia: Ross maybe Jac: He's not too annoying Amelia: did he get with that foreign exchange girl? Jac: He SAYS he did Jac: but I don't know if that's actually confirmed Amelia: still, I don't love that for you Jac: Hayden is part of that group too but he takes Classics and he's like, the male equivalent of Savannah Jac: he does not shut up, even though he's usually wrong 😒 Amelia: 🎤 drop Amelia: even if it makes me a bad friend, I'm not invested in Is' love life Amelia: there's a million things more fun than 🎳 we could be doing Jac: Yeah, it's not remotely worth it just to spy on her Jac: she'll tell us EVERY detail anyway 💁 Amelia: 😬 Amelia: I hate hearing about her boy drama Jac: maybe we'd care if there was more to it Jac: or she didn't always make herself look like a total idiot for some boring boy with nothing going for him Amelia: maybe Jac: or maybe not 😉 Amelia: I love her but I can't help feeling I loved her more when she wasn't so boy obsessed Amelia: but don't tell her I said that Jac: Of course I won't Jac: I know exactly what you mean Jac: it's like nothing else matters to her anymore Jac: she'll get over it though 🤞 Amelia: if she doesn't, I'm not going to have anything to ever talk to her about because it's the only thing she wants to Amelia: but that's probably true of most girls in our class anyway Jac: It's so tragic Jac: do you not have any ambitions of your own Jac: like it isn't the 50s Jac: not to mention boys think that's like, deeply unattractive anyway Amelia: at least you don't think I'm weird Amelia: or the tragic one Amelia: do you think the boys are obsessed with what we're doing? Jac: You're the coolest girl I know Jac: I'd be your friend no matter what Jac: like sometimes, I think I'm only friends with Is because I always have been Jac: like, I love her but Jac: what do we have in common now Jac: and no, boys fascination with girls starts and ends in the one place Amelia: I will be your friend no matter what Amelia: and if Savannah Moore or anyone else gets in your face like that again, I will be back in detention Amelia: would I risk it all for Is in the same way, not right now, no Jac: I'm glad I've got you on my side, Meels Jac: even if she's got Sir Jac: not for long, right Amelia: if she keeps this up she won't have anything Jac: 💪😍 Amelia: ❤❤❤ Jac: Okay, where do you wanna meet? Jac: I'm fake en-route to the sickbay now Amelia: [a location that makes sense] Jac: IOU a coffee Amelia: I should be treating you after everything that's happened today Amelia: you put in loads more work than she did Amelia: sir only recognises her big mouth Jac: But you've been so helpful and lovely, a per Jac: he's always been like that Jac: it's not my fault I don't like to shout out all the answers all the time Amelia: he didn't know you when you were younger and so shy Amelia: but I remember Jac: Clearly it'd be better if I was a loudmouth and said everything that came into my head though Amelia: for that lesson, but you don't have to go any more Amelia: we're only going to the ones we can be bothered to Jac: Sounds like a good idea but my grades would disagree Amelia: when Nessa was being bullied she didn't have to go to like any lessons Jac: Well I'm not being bullied though Jac: and I don't want her thinking I'm like, threatened by her Amelia: sir is close to the line, you don't have to mention her Jac: no, let's deal with it how we said first Jac: just her not being as smug will be enough Amelia: okay Jac: Trust me Jac: and you can still ditch as much as you want Jac: not gonna get in trouble with me Amelia: I'll ditch the lessons you're not in Amelia: I don't trust her and I'm not going to just leave you with her Jac: You're like half-girl half-pitbull Jac: not art though, you love art Amelia: maybe your mum and dad will adopt me and we can share a room instead of you having to deal with Jude Amelia: well then can I 🎨🖌 you? I've pushed this deadline extension as far as it'll go Jac: Ugh, don't even, that'd be the best Jac: she actually drives me insane sometimes Jac: you wanna 🎨🖌 me? Amelia: I'm thrilled my parents didn't make any 🧫🧪 siblings for me Amelia: and IVF is 💸💸 Amelia: yeah? if you'll let me Jac: You're so lucky tbh Jac: alright, but if I have to pose you can't make me laugh Amelia: 😏 Jac: You'll be the one that ends up with a dodgy painting if you do 😅 Amelia: if I asked Is to let me paint her with 🥑🥦🥬🥒 in her teeth then maybe Amelia: you're too good of a subject to mess up Jac: be so avant-garde Jac: the teacher would probably like that more Amelia: I don't care what she likes Amelia: not a teacher's pet like Savannah is Jac: you're only 🐶 part time Jac: and for a worthy cause, got it Amelia: for you, exactly yeah Amelia: 🦺🐶 Jac: what would I do without you? Amelia: you'd have less paint in your hair Amelia: 😂 Jac: Not very natural of me Jac: but I think I suit it Amelia: I think you do too Jac: I'm [different location] that nosy secretary was doing the rounds and I had to change direction Amelia: I'll be right there 🏃 Amelia: but let Is think she's the sporty one Jac: 🤐 Jac: be bit rude of you to take artistic and sporty Amelia: no way, you're good at everything Jac: but you don't think I'm unbearable like Savannah? Amelia: NEVER Jac: Good Amelia: she's pretending to know what she's doing anyway Amelia: all mouth and no talent Jac: You reckon? Jac: Probably Jac: if you're that showy, you're making up for something, anyway Amelia: even if I'm being unfair I guarantee she's not on your level Amelia: nobody is Jac: You're too nice to me Amelia: too nice like 🤫😳 or you don't think it's true? Jac: A bit of both, I suppose Jac: I do work hard but I don't need to shove that in everyone's face Amelia: you're the anti-Savannah Jac: getting into the uni I want is reward enough Jac: besides, not as if it's endearing to be a total know-it-all-show-off Jac: you don't have to dumb yourself down to be chill about it, you know Amelia: yeah, I'm chill about it, but still smart enough to follow everything she was saying Jac: Exactly Jac: all mouth no talent is not the lasting impression I wanna leave Amelia: me either Jac: not that I care what anyone here thinks Amelia: I know you don't think that about me so same Jac: I only think the best things about you, of course Amelia: you love me even though I don't have a uni picked out and I love you even though you do Jac: That's a pretty good summary, yeah Amelia: 🤓❤😎 Jac: I don't think I'd go that far 😏 Amelia: 😂 Jac: if I was such a 🤓 I wouldn't be waiting for you right now Amelia: maybe I'm that 😎 and persuasive Jac: really Jac: 👌 Amelia: you don't look like that in your glasses though, if we're being real Jac: Good to know Jac: don't need to have a makeover Amelia: I look like this 👧🏻 Amelia: I can't come for you or at you with a makeover Jac: Listen to your mother Amelia: NEVER Jac: okay, okay 😎 Amelia: [probably should actually show up gal so we can leave this here]

1 note · View note

fangirlinginleatherboots · 7 years

Note

I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.

#bootsie's advice column #collective #bootsie's adventures #Anonymous

12 notes · View notes