#i don't starve myself to lose weight i do it to hurt myself and bc i don't wanna exist anymore

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying I don't give a shit about calorie counts?

Before I even start this, I'm going to say - if you actively have an eating disorder, please don't vote on this one. I used to have one and I know how badly ED screws with your reasoning regarding weight and food, even with other people. Onto the dilemma.

I (22M) and my friend (31F) are both on "diets" - in quotes because its a lifestyle change, but idk about her. I've drastically changed my diet, exercise, and general lifestyle for health reasons.

My friend also wanted to start dieting at the same time, and as far as I know, she just wants to lose weight. She has a healthy weight goal in mind and her methods of losing weight are healthy, basically the same as me - better foods and more exercise. Recently we talked about our goals because we both lost several pounds, and she asked me what my goal weight was. I told her I didn't have one, I might later but right now my only focus is making sure my body is in good health. She seemed to agree and the conversation moved on.

Another thing is, I recently learned that I LOVE to cook. I've been adding more veggies and spices into my diet as well - swapping french fries with marinated air-fried carrots, veggie dumplings, shredding cabbage for noodles, making my own stir fry sauce and blends, etc.

I cook for us sometimes, because I often make more than I need and I want to share my cooking with others. But she keeps asking my how many calories are in stuff. I tell her what's in the recipe and how it's made, but I honestly have no clue how many calories are in anything I make. I can tell her pretty much anything else, like it's rich in whatever vitamin, it's low cholesterol, it's a great source of iron, I used healthier alternative instead of whatever... but that's not the info she's looking for. And since a lot of my cooking is experimental, I can't look it up online. I've never noticed this to be an issue before, but I'm a bit clueless so it's possible she showed signs of being bothered by this and I just didn't notice.

It all came to a head the other day when we had dinner after our usual workout. I was charting the exercises I did that day. She asked me if I was tracking calories for the meal and started talking about her calorie tracker app. I listened to her spiel about empty calories and tracking food. When she asked if I was going to downloaded it, I laughed and said "I don't give two shits about counting calories. As long as the food is good for me I don't care." I said it light-hearted and joking bc I don't want her to think it's bad to count calories - it's just not what I'm going to do. But she got quiet and later texted me that it hurts. I explained that she can count calories if she wants, and I don't care if she does or doesn't, but it's not for me. She doesn't know about my eating disorder history and I'd rather not tell her, since that's another reason I don't count calories - I don't want to fall back on starving myself since I KNOW that's not healthy, so it's easier for me to just exclude calories from the picture entirely. Should I tell her why I don't count calories? Could I have told her that I don't care about calories in a nicer way? AITA?

Also, before anyone suggests it - she does NOT have an eating disorder. Idk why she counts calories, but she shares a lot about her life with me, and she eats plenty and eats well, and doesn't exercise excessively, just enough to stay healthy for what she wants to do.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #eating disorder cw

[b0nel0ver]

since im in a good mood (i lost weight again!) i wanted to share my best coping methods for. when im triggered about my ed

🦴add songs to my ana playlist

I have Spotify premium (i didn't buy it lol, i pirated) and i just check the songs i get suggested, also online, and if they fit my taste at all. sadly, i can't put "bag of bones" by mitski bc even if it fits the theme a lot, heh, it's connected to something else on a personal level.

🦴i will post my playlist later, feel free to save it for yourself 🦴

🦴i watch a triggering film/serie // read a triggering book

this one's a classic. my suggestions are To The Bone, it's really touching, and Girl, Interrupted.

I don't have any book suggestions at the moment, sadly.

🦴i only weight myself under certain conditions

said conditions are:

-i didn't eat anything that day (so it happens that i do it in the morning)

-i have fasted for around 8+ hours, more usually 12

-if i touch my stomach, i feel it pretty flat, so im sure im not bloated with water

-i feel SAFE doing it, just in case i didn't go down, making sure that im not triggered. best if I'm about to go do something, so im distracted

-im not close to my period, because i gain a bit bc of it and I'll lose it right after, no biggie.

-i didn't weight myself the day before

🦴look for a phone background, a pfp, or anything i like to look at

especially if i need a background, like for my tablet or pfp on some social.

🦴if i lose weight, i reward myself

NOT WITH FOOD, it triggers me. usually, i get to make a ice-water-lemon-and-juicr drink, it's low-cal and i can spare some for dinner/lunch.

i also buy myself something nice, like new jewelry, depending on my mood.

🦴if i gain weight, or binge, i focus on my recovery, and ignore the ana.

🦴this one is weird, but i m4sturb4t3

i know i know, but it works really well

🦴i have a shower

ESPECIALLY if i alternate from lukewarm, soft boiling myself, and chilly

🦴i read/watch g0r3

it makes me nauseous

🦴i have a daily vitamin pill

JUST ONE, it helps with my nails, hair and skin, keeps everything a bit healthier. the reason it helps me cope is that it makes me feel less dizzy, makes me a bit nauseous because it tastes like shit, and also feeds my stomach just enough for it to stop hurting.

🦴while eating lowcal is faster, eating 1200<x<1500 makes it a bit slower but keeps your metabolism working

if your metabolism works well, it makes it harder to gain weight. eating pomegranate is also helpful for it, plus it's low-cal (a whole one is around 140 cals, i usually only eat half in 2 days)

🦴i keep telling myself that i can't starve myself anyway, my parents would force me to eat

#ed not ed sheeran #th1nsp1ration #tw ana diary #body chex #ed bullshit #tw disordered eating #tw ana trigger #ed behaviour tw #ed not sheeren #3dtumblr #⭐️ving #i want to ⭐️ve #starv1ng #⭐️ve #i need to ⭐️ve #i need to lose this weight #i need to recover from this #tw ed diet #ed recovery #ana trigger #ana rant #boy ana #ana tricks #ana bllog #4n4blr #4n0r3xia #4narex1a

[loser-jpg]

Leona and Dee drabble bc im sore from workouts and felt like writtin this

4 years after Dees graduation from NRC (i dont feel like doing any other world building other than that lol):

The first thing Leona heard waking up from his nap was the sound of keys outside the door. Normally the sound of the door opening would follow, but as usual it took Dee a solid half a minute to actually figure out which way to turn the key to unlock the door. Leona didn't understand why he insisted on locking the door every time he left, but it was funny to hear the same grumbles of annoyance every time Dee came back from wherever he went.

Their shared apartment wasn't that large, neither of them were actually fond of too big a living space, so Leona only had to shift himself slightly on the couch to be able to see Dee closing the door behind him.

"Ughhh." Leona watched as Dee kicked off his shoes and threw his phone and keys onto the table. His face was more red than normal and his hair had curled up around his face from sweat.

"Everything hurts." Dee face-planted into the chair to the side of the couch, his legs dragging onto the floor.

"What happened to you?" Leona laughed to himself as Dee turned his face to look at him with fake misery.

"You know how I said I should start working out?" Dee let out another fake whine as he turned his face back into the cushion, too lazy to finish his sentence.

"Well at least I won't have to hear you complaining about not being strong anymore."

"Yeah but you'll have to deal with me complaining about endless pain."

"The soreness will go away if you keep with it. Go ice, it'll help."

Dee pulled himself up enough to sit in the chair properly only to throw his head back to complain more "But I don't wanna ice! It takes so long and I gotta position myself uncomfortable to make the bag stay."

"Well at least go shower. You smell like shit."

"Thats the smell of muscle baby~" Dee groaned as he lifted himself up and trudged his way through the apartment. Leona also pulled himself off the couch and toward the fridge in the kitchen area. Dee was going to be starving in about ten minutes and a combination of not wanting to hear more complaining and kinda feeling nice today made Leona decide to make lunch for the two of them.

"Leftovers? Really?" Dee stared at the reheated remnants of the previous nights dinner. The dinner he made.

"You should be happy I even made you anything."

"Oh I am so blessed, you stuck a plate in the microwave for fifteen seconds for me." Despite his sarcasm, Leona watched Dee sit down and start shoveling food in his mouth the second he was done talking.

"It actually took thirty seconds."

"Oh now thats effort." Leona laughed as Dee struggled to talk with a mouth full of food.

"Food first. Then talk." Leona sat down across from Dee and also started to eat. Admittedly almost as fast and messy as his partner, but at least he had the decency to not talk with food in his mouth.

"Don tell me wah ta do." Leona looked up at Dee with a disgusted look, which only made Dee snicker at him. To Leona that stupid grin was recognizable in almost every situation. Food related or not.

Dee dumped his plate in the sink to wash later before walking over to the couch and laying down right where Leona had been earlier.

"Hey- no that's my spot." Leona set his plate in the sink as well and also made his way to the couch.

"Move your feet, lose your seat." Dee smiled that stupid grin again, before turning away from Leona.

"Oh, we'll see about that." Before Dee could protest Leona had grabbed him around the stomach and pushed him off the couch, reclaiming his spot with confidence.

"Hey! You tryna put me in more pain?!" Dee's face shot up from the ground into view, but the rest of him stayed sitting on the ground.

"Suffer." Leona yawned before shifting himself on the couch, planning to resume his nap from before Dee got home.

"Rude."

"hmm."

Suddenly Leona felt a weight on his torso and looked down to see Dee shoving his way into the space between Leona and the back of the couch.

"Seriously?"

"We share rent, we can share the couch."

"I pay more of the rent than you do."

"I still pay some of it." There it was. Stupid grin again.

"...Fine." Dee snickered as Leona readjusted himself so the two of them could lay comfortably on the couch. Though if he knew this was gonna happen he woulda just moved his nap to the bed.

#losers writing #twst #twisted wonderland #leona kingscholar #leona x oc #leona x yuu #dee :3 #Yaaay LeoDee fic :DDD #theyre so silly to me i love #also i dont care that they could deff live better than a medium sized apartment neither seem like theyd want an excessive amount of room #this is entirely self indulgent so no one cares about anyone elses opinions on anything in this 😀 #leodee

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

[vtoriacore-rbs]

tw. ed + whatever the fuck is wrong w me in general. id actually advise against reading this but this helps get things off my chest.

me slipping back into old ed habits bc my intrusive thoughts actually ended up triggering me 💀💀💀 i went on a 2 day fast and only had mineral water and i feel both proud and horrified that ive allowed myself to do that so now im eating healthy things to kinda make up for it but anyways i weighed myself too even tho i said i wouldn't. like i know i shouldn't feel happy over the fact i starved and weakened my body on purpose but it feels nice to stick to something and actually have some discipline back in my life.

had a breakdown too earlier for no reason (altho im on my period so maybe that's why, fuck you uterus btw there is no us only u someone remove this thing PLEASE). like bro some bitch in college also was telling me how she was losing weight and she deadass told me that my ribcage sticking out was so aesthetic and it just enabled me, we only spoke 3 times before that and im pretty sure she has an ed too bc she kept trying to get my measurements??? she also said she'd sacrifice two of her ribs to get a waist like mine and i know she meant it as a compliment but i wanted to cry and felt low-key ashamed like i hate when people point out my physical appearance and i was stretching i didn't even mean for my shirt to go higher up it was so uncomfy. it's weird tho cause when i starve myself i feel happy abt it but when other people point it out and praise me for it i get really mad. maybe it's bc i discourage eds and im very pro-recovery but anyways that was a weird comment™ i think it played into the breakdown. she tried grabbing my wrist several times and i told her to stop trying to touch me but she wouldn't stop either and was like "just for a second please" like i felt so icky bc of that too like bitch hands off before i retaliate <3 so yeah now im trying to eat again but honestly i feel like im gonna throw up bc i didn't eat for 2 days lmao and the entire day today i felt so dizzy. like yesterday was fine but today ?? no. my muscles hurt so bad so im gonna have a 50g protein shake too ugh im so tired. gonna try get up to 1000 kcal at least and make the deficit up over the weekend bc my stomach physically hurts when i try to eat (but this strawberry yogurt bangs even tho im half full already).

ive been slipping back into an ed mindset over the last month tho even with my binges and i just wanna look ill enough for one of my doctors finally tell me im underweight enough they didn't even acknowledge i was severely underweight 3-4 years ago that felt so humiliating and now im thinking along the lines of "i need to be a better anorexic" even tho its fucked up and like im trying to just snap myself out of this mindset but it's not working so im gonna have to get a therapist potentially. bc i don't want my organs and bones failing but at the same time, i wanna make sure doctors take me seriously this time and maybe it'll be a fucking reminder to take eds seriously. it actually pisses me off hos insensitive some doctors are about eds and the fact they indirectly fucking allow it sometimes too like. just bc im not in a critical condition and only like 3/4kgs underweight doesn't mean i don't have an ed or that it isn't "severe enough" smh this annoys me so much.

if you read it up to here don't worry ill be fine, a bitch always pulls thru and these are just momentary lapses in judgement im not letting mental illness win im too fucking good for this (<- motivating myself kinda feel better after writing this NGL).

[nelly-wants-to-b-skinny]

I've been wanting to do this but I'll just do it all together :)

1. weight- 185, chest- 41.2, waist-34.0, hips-44.0, thighs- 28.0

2. 5'5, yes im totally okay with my height tbh

3. we have a very similar body type so i feel like it's the most realistic for me

4. tbh just losing my dd boobs that's it.

5. im tired of being the big and ugly friend, i owe it to my young chubby self to finally be pretty.

6. define binge lol. to me if I eat normally i define that as binge. but tbh I don't think I actually binge idk.

7. yes they do, however they don't know how far I'm willing to go. but they don't. they're actually happy I am.

8. i would do cardio 3 times a week, and then do core 2 times a week, but now im doing chloe ting workouts so :))

9. 100% all the time, I've hears it ever since grade school tbh, and it's literally ruined who I am and my relationship with food.

10. i guess my love for baking, it's been really hard baking for my friends and family and not having the opportunity to have these things yk.

11. lol i don't have one hahaha.

12. hmm that's a good question, i usually stick to fruits i try to stay away from meat and dairy, however it's not always easy. but for a good day, I'll have my black coffee in the morning and then like a garden salad in the afternoon.

13. definitely unhealthy lmao, I will starve myself until I lose as much weight as I can.

14. 120lbs, it used to be 140 but that's how much my sis weighs and I wanna be smaller than her

15. I'm neither but I seriously am considering going vegetarian bc I didn't eat meat for 3 days and lost literally 7lbs so I just might.

16. I've always tried to lose weight, yk go on a diet, work out, however this year I realized I was going to go on vacation and I needed to look pretty for my pictures so I decided to go back to my old habits and I triggered my ed, it took some time like 2 months until eventually in the end of March I started thinking the same way once again. I would starve and calculate calories.

17. im not sure. I don't want to say yes since I'm not diagnosed, but I will say I have disordered eating 100%.

18. cheese. ik ppl are gonna scream, but I love it so much lol.

19. hmm actually a while back I think like a couple weeks ago maybe I month.

20. ballerina diet ahhh or maybe the iu diet.

21. triggered. lol I'm usually a L/XL for jeans I'm a 14. bra size is 38DD.

22. damn idk bruh, I remember when I used to be 160, that's the lowest number I can remember, that's when I started weighing myself and it ruined me. I don't remember gaining weight tbh, I think it was when I was recovering.

23. absolutely. growing up I watched eugenia a lot and i loved kpop in ms so I would always wonder what it would be like to be skinny like them.

24. uh i don't like them, but that's me personal. I'm not someone to encourage this illness to someone else.

25. yes. I've done it multiple times. my first time was at a party actually. I had eaten 3 slices of pizza and my stomach hurt rlly bad I had told my friend and she told me she'd find me laxatives or smth I told her no. so I hard searched up what to do and I found a reddit form about purging I did exactly that and threw up as much as I could. it was so bad I was crying bc I felt to bad but my stomach felt better. I think that's when I realized I could enjoy my food but also not consume calories.

26. CLOTHES. finally getting to wear what I want and look pretty no matter what. ugh I can't wait.

27. i try to slip into a mentality of like food isn't fuel it's trash, and it's gonna make you rot.

28. I'd love to, i want to lose as much thigh fat as possible I don't think i could think bc of my family genes

29. anything but me. I don't think beauty can be defined. to me beauty is a subjective what is beautiful to me is not beautiful to you.

30. im hispanic. i have curly hair. im bi. i have a gf. i like to bake. i can't swim. i have insomnia. i have social anxiety. i love kpop. coffee is my bsf.

#bonespø #ed but not sheeran #i wanna be thinner #tw ana shit #ana and mia #st@rve #i wanna be perfect #tw ana diary #tw ana fast #i want to be small #skinsp0 #tw ed diet #tw ed implied #tw restrictive ed #eating disoder trigger warning #tw disordered eating

[king-knj]

I'm in a really bad place I think, I hate myself and I want to die I sometimes starve myself bc my family makes comments about my weight my mom is constantly telling me I need to lose weight and stop eating so much I'd think I'd rather be dead then here I sometimes hurt myself and I hate it but I can't stop and I can't wear short sleeve shirts anymore my sisters are mean I feel like I have no emotions I have different personalities for different people and now I don't even know who I really am anymore I’m scared I don’t have a real personality and I don’t know what to do someone please tell me

#depressing shit #sorry for being depressing

[serpentiana]

⚠️ TW ed & suic*de talk

It includes just a faceless photo of me, the tw is for the text underneath.

I screenshotted myself in this video bc this is straight motivation for me, this was me last May working at a Galleria which is the 2nd time I went back to orthorexia. Truly an experience to shape shift all extremes of weight.

It's not a fun time. Because I thought I was getting better after my breakup relatively fast, the thoughts stopped, probably for the first time in my entire life. But then I moved back home for college, and it's clear that I've relapsed on multiple behaviors. I was on my own for half a year, the 3rd time in my life, and I did all I could not to go back home - to make it on my own. A life that my parents could only see me at my best. So they could enjoy their years without me stressing them out anymore..

My parents are old fashioned. They don't realize what they say, do, or their lifestyle affects my recovery. And it's starting to agonize me that I'm so affected by my own parents. I feel like an ungrateful brat. I really am thankful for what I have. I didn't always have things and I didn't have a home for a while. They love me. Even if it hurts me, it's really my fault. I'm a perfectionist with all things and most of the time it's never enough.

My weight will never be enough. I feel so alone. My 5 year relationship has been over since last March. The survival mode in me is starting to cease and the thoughts are getting louder. I haven't eaten more than 1,000 calories total in 5 days. And I haven't stayed in the positive, the net stays zero. I quit smoking weed, I quit habits, and I stopped letting people take advantage of me. I embraced the discomfort of being alone with having 0 friends or relationships holding me back from being happy.

..sometimes I just feel like it doesn't matter anymore. I've seen success and done my best and fallen and did it again. When you go through this process you end up realizing how tired you really are. And the suicidal thoughts come back without a plan but rather an impulse. I just feel in my gut one more devastation, one more physical/verbal abuse event, or loss - I'll lose the ability to control myself and do it.

I didn't know there was ever a gun in my reach and I wish I never found out. I got a taste of what it was like to be fulfilled and happy, even when I lost everything last year. Now it's like a dream that I ever had a mind that forgot about calories and purging and starving and trauma memories.

I remember going on a hike by myself one of those days and stopping just to look up at the trees.. I thanked God for keeping me alive... In that moment I forgot what it felt like to have suffered through my suicidal voices. Tears just filled my eyes and instead of falling they remained still. I was happy.

#v's ed log #tw ed thoughts

[torntoshredswithin]

.

#vent #rant #disordered eating #mental illness #god idk why eating has been so hard lately #just looking at or thinking about food turns my stomach but ik i have to eat something #bc ik is going to puke but i don't wanna puke straight stomach acid again that was so painful #but god i've lost weight again and i look unhealthy and my parents are starting to notice and god #eating is just not worth the effort like i'm so tired of being alive and dealing with this #this not being able to keep food down is just not worth it why would i bother eating it if it's just gonna come right back up again?? #i'm so nauseous all the time and ik eating is the only way to settle my stomach but god i just don't want to #keeping my body alive is exhausting and i'm so over it i hate it here #i tell myself it's fine bc i'm not underweight i can't see my ribs and i don't have a thigh gap but oh my god it's not ok #told my friend i hadn't eaten for a couple days and he kept asking me why and i didn't wanna tell the truth #so i just told him i got distracted and forgot to and he def thinks i have an eating disorder but like #i don't starve myself to lose weight i do it to hurt myself and bc i don't wanna exist anymore #the weight loss is just a fun little bonus #and now none of my clothes fit and my shoulders and pelvis are jutting and i finally look as small as i want to feel #but at what cost #my doctor says my new goal is to try and eat at least twice a day and it's been 3 days and i've already failed #txt

[missmonsters2]

today I feel awful... idk my insecurities are taking over me and I just want to curl into a ball and cry. maybe it's my hormones maybe the fact that I weighted myself and found out I gained weight (I can't fit into my jeans 😭) and the fact that I saw my sister in a tight skin dress looking perfect while I'm in my pj's just destroyed my confidence. I need something angsty to read to make me forget about my sad, miserable lffe right now. would you be down in writing sth angsty with nat maybe? you don't have to though. it's fine either way. I really appreciate all of your work and I keep reading on repeat whenever I'm feeling down. makes me cheer up. thank you, van ❤️

It's like we're the same person because I also went to visit my sister recently and my sister has gotten her life together and is living her best hot girl bod while I...let's not go there.

I just want you to know that you're hot as fuck and a body is just a body that we can change with time and effort. We're lit rally in this together. This time next year, we will be rocking the body that makes up happy and we'll be healthy!!! 💘💘

But I will still give you nat angst...but with a happy ending bc I said you deserve a HEA!!

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

The Withers of Springtime Bloom

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spring is a time of blooming and when things come back to life. You can't help but notice things that may be causing your relationship with Natasha to wither.

Warnings: self-esteem issues, insecurities about body, relationship with working out and food, seasonal depression. angst with HEA.

Count: 2.1k~

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

You're not sure when things changed.

Things change so slowly after all.

Without you noticing, things change and change and change until one day, you do notice.

You notice that Natasha has become quieter, somber.

You notice the lack of date nights and affectionate touches.

You notice that you've let yourself go a little.

You're standing in front of the mirror, staring at your body with a frown. You've gained weight since dating Natasha, but relationship weight gain was normal, wasn't it?

But you remember how Natasha was just as fit as she was before she met you. Sure, she was a superhero, and you were a regular civilian; there was no reason for you to train long hours as Natasha did.

Still...

You turn to the side and peer at yourself in the mirror again.

You can't help but wonder...were you becoming less attractive to her?

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

It had been the beginning of fall when you met Natasha. You loved the season of change and when things turned into warm colors before withering away for winter to come.

Natasha had come like a blessing, and in the winter, she was just warm as the colors of fall. Instead of withering away, she bloomed and invested that warmth in your relationship with her.

Despite always being an early riser to work out, weekends were the days she stayed in bed with you just a little longer. There had been so many breakfasts, lunch, and dinner dates. You found yourself moving things around or neglecting to work around her busy schedule.

Perhaps that was when things began to change. Eating out so often and forgoing working out to spend time with Natasha was what led to this.

Spring has arrived, and things are coming back to life. Yet somehow, your relationship with Natasha was withering away.

"Hey," you greet her as you come home, shopping bags in hand. You bought some more clothes when things felt like they didn't fit comfortably anymore. The experience had been upsetting for you, and you didn't end up buying too much, telling yourself you didn't want to spend too much when you were going to lose the weight.

Natasha was working in her office, peering down over reports, and barely acknowledged you other than with a hum.

"Long day?" You ask her as you put your things away and walk over to her.

"Yeah," Natasha sighed. "Trying to get these reports done since Maria needs them tomorrow."

That had been Natasha's excuse for spending long hours in her office every night for the last two weeks.

You place your hand on Natasha's shoulder with a reassuring squeeze, but she leans to the side as if to readjust herself, but still away from your touch.

The sting immediately comes, but you try to push it down, so it doesn't hurt as bad.

"Right," you say hoarsely, but Natasha stares on at the reports. "I'm just going to get ready for bed. It's been a long day and all. Let me know if you need anything."

Natasha gives you a nod as you leave the room. You feel awkward as you lie in the bed you share with her. You wonder if you're taking up too much space.

There's a pang of something as you try to curl yourself to be smaller and only distantly realizing you've skipped dinner before you fall asleep.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

You fall back onto the mat, chest heaving and your lungs burning.

It's been a while since you've worked out, and now you're definitely paying for it with how unfit you are.

The gym is moderately empty with the hour it is. You hate going to a public gym because it always feels like someone is staring, but it's better for strangers to stare than working out at the Compound for people you know to stare at you.

The rational part of you knows that you should just talk to Natasha, but the emotional side of you whispers that you won't like what Natasha has to say, that she might even end it before you've had a chance to change yourself.

When weeks pass, and you weigh yourself again, you almost start crying because you've only lost a couple of pounds.

It's normal, you know it is. You're losing weight at a normal rate, but it's not enough. You know fast weight loss wouldn't make sense for your body but you also feel you don't have half a year to go back to your normal weight.

You sit on the bathroom floor for hours, debating what to do when you hear a quiet knock.

"Sweetheart, are you in there?" Natasha's muffled voice comes through.

You wipe at your eyes furiously as you stand up.

"Y-Yeah," you answer back. "I'm just in the tub soaking."

There's a moment of silence through the door before Natasha answers back, "Alright. Enjoy yourself. Did you want me to order anything specific for dinner?"

"No, it's okay," you tell her. "You order anything you want. I already ate on my way home." You think about the chicken salad you've been eating for the past two weeks and almost sigh.

Natasha answered that she just came back to see if you've eaten, but she actually had to head back to the Compound. You were Natasha shuffling around before leaving through the front door, and you let out the breath you were holding.

You actually take a long, hot shower before putting on sweats and a big hoodie.

The truth was, you were hungry. The chicken salad was okay on the way home, but it had been a couple of hours since.

You knew starving yourself wasn't the answer, so you went into the kitchen to see if you could find something healthy to hold you over until you could go to bed.

But you can't find anything in the fridge except for Natasha's leftovers from whatever she ordered the day before. You can't find anything except frozen pizzas and microwavable foods.

You check the calories on the back and let out a frustrated sigh. Checking your watch, you realize it's too late in the evening to go grocery shopping because, by the time you get there, stores will have closed.

You slump down on the floor, leaning against the cabinets as you let out a pathetic whimper while your eyes became hot with tears.

You miss Natasha. You want Natasha holding you and telling you it would be okay. But you couldn't have that until you were back to what you were when you met her.

The front door suddenly opens.

"Have you seen my—sweetheart?" Natasha started to call before she noticed you sitting on the floor. "What's wrong?"

You use your sleeve to wipe at your eyes as you sit up straight.

"Nothing," you sniffle before you start to stand. "I just stubbed my toe against the edge of the kitchen island. What were you looking for? USB? You left it next to the bedside."

Natasha stares at your back, hair still wet as she takes in your attire.

"It's a little hot to be wearing a hoodie and sweats, isn't it?" Natasha asks softly. "Doesn't seem like you turned on the aircon in here."

You keep walking, but Natasha starts to follow you.

"'m cold," you say quietly so she can't hear the tremble in your voice.

"Are you feeling sick?" Natasha asks with concern as you sit down on the couch, turning on the TV. You pull the blanket over you as if to make your point.

"No," you tell her because you don't want her to worry. "Just cold after a bath."

Natasha sets her things down before she takes a seat next to you. Even in the low lighting, she can see your eyes rimmed red and dampness of them.

You're refusing to look at her as you have your knees drawn up to your chest and stare stubbornly at the TV screen.

Then she hears it.

Your stomach grumbles.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" Natasha asks softly again. "We can just order food and stay in tonight."

Your cheeks grow hot. "Don't you have to be at the Compound?"

You don't mean to snap at her, but you can't help but feel embarrassed.

Natasha remains quiet for a moment, quickly thinking over the last few weeks before she feels guilt trickle in.

She doesn't remember the last time she ate with you—doesn't remember the last time she saw you eat.

"Sweetheart," she calls you gently again, and you bristle at the tone. "Is there something wrong?"

The fragile dam you've built to keep the weeks of compiling emotions at bay breaks, and you're hurtling down the stream over the waterfall.

"Are you not in love with me anymore?" You choke out as you begin to cry.

You can't even register to feel horrified at your breakdown because you just need to know.

"I know...I know my body has changed since we first met and I've gained weight but I really am trying to lose it. I just—I feel like you're avoiding me. At first, I thought things at work have been really stressful for you, and I wanted to give you space but you're gone all the time. You're gone even when you're here."

Natasha can barely understand anything you've said after hearing you say the first part. Her breath hitches painfully in the back of her throat, and she legitimately feels appalled at herself.

She starts to say something, but you keep going.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to make this about me because if you're going through something then I want to support and be there for you. But I can't help but feel like you're grossed out by me. I mean—I feel grossed out when I look at myself. I feel like I'm taking up so much space—"

Natasha cuts you off abruptly, pulling off the blanket as she pulls at you until you're in her lap.

"Nat—"

"You're not gross and this is not about the weight you have or have not gained. You hear me?" Natasha says forcefully as she holds you close to her, hand over your thigh to keep you against her.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've been making you feel like you're not attractive me," Natasha's eyes well up as your tears wet her shoulder. "You're literally still the most gorgeous person I've ever met and you're always going to be that to me."

Natasha's hand at your waist dips underneath your hoodie, her fingers trailing up your back as she sighs at your warmth. "I should've told you, but the springtime is just really hard for me. It's odd because it's a time for things to come back to life but some of the worst things have happened to me during the spring and things blooming makes me think about things that aren't coming back. I think it's also just a little bit of seasonal depression too. I'm just the rare percentage that gets it in the spring."

The explanation makes your body sag with relief because while you feel so horrible that there is a reason Natasha doesn't like spring, she's not falling out of love with you.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was hurting you," Natasha apologizes again. "I didn't mean to be so distant but I didn't want to bring your mood down as well, which is why I've been working so much to keep busy."

"It's okay," you muttered as your turn your head, forehead pressed against her neck. "I'm sorry spring is depressing for you."

Natasha merely hushes you as she kisses the side of your head.

You begin to feel awkward, thinking about how you must be heavy on her and try to move, but Natasha doesn't let you.

"Sweetheart, I don't know how to convince you that you're perfect to me," Natasha says so seriously as she forces you to look at her. "If you want to lose weight because that is what you want, then I support you. But I need you to understand that I love you no matter what. I don't care either way because you're so fucking lovely to me always. Do you understand?"

Timidly, you reply, "Okay. Thank you."

Natasha presses her lips against yours in a long kiss before she pulls back.

"Now, I'm going to ask again. Are you hungry? We can order in and watch that new show on Netflix I heard was pretty good from Wanda."

You feel lighter. You think you might still want to work out because that would make you happy, but you don't feel the rush like you did just a couple of hours ago.

"Yeah," you say shyly. "But maybe something not so heavy?"

Natasha nods as she presses another kiss into your cheek as she helps you settle onto the couch right beside her to grab her phone.

"Anything to make you bloom."

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x y/n #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff oneshot #black widow x reader #black widow x you #black widow imagine #avengers imagine #avengers x reader #mm: my fics #g.angst #g.fluff

[tennessoui]

There's something about seeing a civilized, prim and proper man like Obi turning into a touch-starved feral mess that is just *chef kiss* The other Jedi are shocked and don't know what to do. Anakin has a snuggly shadow who follows him everywhere bc he KNOWS if Anakin leaves his sight, he will lose him (eg after their blow up fight). And Obi forgetting the code and himself and everything except Anakin...why must you hurt me so good?

yes!!!! i imagine that obi-wan does not let him out of his sight for any period of time

anyway this is a bit short and a little more feral and violent than the other one but here is feral!obi-wan where he was anakin's master before.

(1.6k)

This can’t be his master, is the first thought that filters through the white noise in Anakin’s mind.

His master, before he’d been taken from him, had been the primmest, cleanest, most civilized person Anakin had ever met in his entire life. He’d been meticulously groomed, always. Anakin doesn’t remember ever seeing even a speck of dirt on his master’s pristine robes.

He’d looked perfect even the night he’d disappeared. He’d looked untouchable and perfect even during their argument. Anakin’s face had been flushed, his eyes wide and wet, his hair a mess. Obi-Wan had been perfectly put-together, voice sharp and ice cold in his reprimand of his apparently atrocious behavior.

Anakin doesn’t even remember what the argument had been about. He’d been fifteen years old. He’d have argued with the Force itself given half the chance and a direction to shout at.

The important thing is he’d been stupid enough to block their bond, stupid enough to leave their rooms for a walk without telling his master where he was going. And his master must have thought he’d be stupid enough to leave the safety of the building on a war-torn planet too, because Obi-Wan had gone out looking for him. He’d passed right by his hiding place. Anakin hadn’t said a thing, just watched his master go, too angry and hurt to think of the dangers that lurked outside the door.

In his mind, there was nothing that his master couldn’t handle, couldn’t defeat.

That was the last time Anakin had ever seen Obi-Wan Kenobi; the last time, actually, that anyone had.

It’s been seven years.

And now there’s someone on the floor in front of him, crouched over a body of one of the pirates who had been drinking in the main room the other night.

When Anakin and Ahsoka shut off the power to the facility in a bid to open the door to Master Windu’s cell, they hadn’t taken into account that there may be other people in other cells.

And now they’re standing in the main hall, lightsabers drawn, pirates stunned and groaning and tied up around them, and there’s someone crouched in the middle of the room, a dead body beneath him and golden eyes roving around looking for the next target.

And there’s something in Anakin that pounds at the cage of himself, that looks at this dirty, bloody, ungroomed, feral person, and thinks, That’s my master. That’s Obi-Wan Kenobi. That’s him I have finally found him.

But this. This can’t be his master.

His master would never snap a man’s neck with his hands. He’d never make those sounds with his throat, he’d never crouch that low to the ground, and he’d never have gold eyes.

But.

But there’s something in his force signature that feels so familiar. And it makes Anakin stumble forward, closer to the man--to Obi-Wan--before he even realizes what he’s doing.

“Skywalker, don’t!” Windu snaps, with what sounds like fear in his voice. But Anakin can’t stop, won’t stop until he knows for sure that this is or isn’t his missing master.

The man on the ground growls at him as he approaches, eyes narrowed into golden slits. Anakin halts his progress a few steps away when the man shifts his weight, as if getting ready to pounce.

“Obi-Wan,” Anakin whispers, voice breaking in the middle of the second syllable. Ahsoka draws in a sharp breath from behind him. She knows what this means to him. Everyone probably does. “Obi-Wan, it’s me.”

When the man looks up at him and snarls without a glint of recognition in his golden eyes, Anakin feels his legs give out and his own force signature explode outward in pain and guilt and anguish because if this is not Obi-Wan, then his master is still out there somewhere. And if this is Obi-Wan, then...then he doesn’t remember him. Anakin.

The man goes dangerously still when Anakin’s mind brushes his own, and he tilts his head to the side as he stares at him with an unreadable expression.

“Anakin!” Ahsoka yelps, darting forward to help her master up.

But before she can get close enough to touch him, the world spins and Anakin finds himself on the ground completely, with the man’s form hunched over his and one long-nailed hand pressed into the skin of his throat.

The snarls are infinitely louder when they’re right next to his ear.

“Stay back!” Anakin shouts over the noise to Ahsoka and Windu, both who have moved forward immediately. Ahsoka takes another step forward anyway, and the snarls turn downright vicious.

Anakin could try to get out of the man’s hold, but not without hurting him. And if this is Obi-Wan Kenobi, then he’s been hurt enough already.

“Ahsoka, stay back,” he says again in his firm Master voice. “I have this handled.”

Looking rebellious, Ahsoka steps back to her original place.

The threat taken care of, the man on top of Anakin turns his full attention to him again.

Anakin feels like he’s been stabbed with a lightsaber when he sees the familiar mole on the man’s forehead. “Master,” he breathes. “Master.”

Obi-Wan growls something out, and bumps their heads together.

Anakin blinks in confusion and shakes his head. Obi-Wan growls that same roughened word again, and then again even louder, and then Anakin starts to weep.

Ani.

He’s saying Ani.

“Yeah,” Anakin whispers back. “Yeah, I’m--I’m Ani. I’m. I’m your Ani.”

Obi-Wan sniffs at his cheek and then licks the tear away, making a distressed sound in the back of his throat. “Ani,” he rumbles. “No. Won’t. Won’t Ani.”

Anakin doesn’t know what that means, so instead of answering verbally, he reaches out with the Force and touches their minds together again. It’s easy to enter Obi-Wan’s mind. His master’s impeccable shields are nowhere to be found.

Instead, there is only darkness and a landscape of pain. Anakin is vaguely aware that he’s crying harder now, that he’s sobbing, but in Obi-Wan's mind all of Anakin’s worst nightmares about what happened to his master prove true.

Obi-Wan reaches back clumsily but with great enthusiasm, and Anakin tries to stuff away his own feelings of pain and guilt and enfuse his thoughts with all the happiness and affection and love his master has ever made him feel.

On top of him, Obi-Wan whimpers high in his throat and presses forward, impossibly closer. Anakin raises his hand to stroke at the muscle of Obi-Wan’s bare bicep, sending him soothing comfort. Obi-Wan latches on and pulls Anakin back into his mind.

Their old training bond, never severed, roars into life and it feels so good, the perfect mix of pain and pleasure and aching relief that Anakin forgets where he is for several moments.

Obi-Wan is back. Obi-Wan is back.

Footsteps approach from behind them and Anakin snaps back into his own head as Obi-Wan snarls dangerously at the intruder, tensing his body as if preparing for a fight. “Won’t Ani,” his master growls, words hardly distinguishable.

“Anakin,” and it’s Windu. “Is that--are you--” “He is, it’s him,” Anakin replies, not taking his eyes off of Obi-Wan. “I felt...Master, I felt his memories in his mind. They’re...unfocused and old, but. The pirates, they--”

They had wanted Anakin, the people who took Obi-Wan. They had wanted to sell him, thinking they could fetch a high price for a Jedi padawan. When they got Obi-Wan instead, they’d hurt him in an attempt to get him to tell them where he was.

Obi-Wan hadn’t. Obi-Wan hadn’t once, not in seven years.

Anakin can feel tears dripping down his face, and Obi-Wan breaks off his staring contest with Mace to coo at him in distress.

“Master Windu won’t hurt me,” he tells Obi-Wan. “It’s alright. We’ll be alright.”

He desperately tries to believe it, even as the words leave his mouth.

When Windu steps closer, Obi-Wan snaps at him.

“Master,” Anakin says softly, touching the side of Obi-Wan’s face with his hand. “Obi-Wan.”

His master swings his attention down to him immediately, and Anakin uses their bond to slip a Force suggestion into his mind. Sleep.

Obi-Wan obviously doesn’t want to, but his golden eyes drift halfway shut anyway. Sleep, Anakin insists, rubbing his thumb over his cheek.

It only takes one more command for Obi-Wan to collapse on top of him, unconscious.

“Get him onto the ship,” Anakin says in a no-nonsense tone as he slips out from underneath the body of his master and stands, looking dispassionately at the dead pirate next to them. “And prepare for take off, Ahsoka.”

Master Windu looks at him silently.

“Please,” Anakin tries. “I don’t know how long he’ll be under, but we need to get him back to the Temple.”

“And what will you be doing?” Windu asks.

Anakin’s jaw clenches and unclenches. He wishes Windu had not been the one captured. It makes what he will do next infinitely harder. “Please, master. I just. I just need a moment to myself. I--” he doesn’t have to fake the way his voice gives out, nor the way his hand shakes when he reaches up to wipe away his tears. “Please.”

Master Windu’s stern face caves in with compassion, and he nods once. “Ahsoka,” he tells Anakin’s padawan, “help me with Knight Kenobi.”

Together, they levitate the unconscious form of Anakin’s master out of the main hall.

As soon as the doors close behind them, Anakin uses the Force to hold them tightly shut.

He turns to face the pirates, the ones who had hurt his master, held him against his will, and broken his mind.

It’s the easiest thing in the entire galaxy to flick his lightsaber on.

“Please,” he smiles. “Do not scream.”

#asks #feral!obi-wan #damn you know i got halfway through writing this and i was like oof this would work much more understandably #if it were a/b/o #but that is a squick for a lot of people and i didnt know if the (checks asks) 4 asks I got about this prompt #would want a feral alpha obi-wan thing #cw: torture aftermath #this is very not read through whoops #anyway the force bond reestablishing itself is fundamental for obi-wan to get better #and its a bit of a slow process #but at least in this theres no war so anakin goes off duty to help obi-wan full time #either obi-wan gets fully better and turns to the light again #or obikin both fall and then go around the galaxy killing all the people who hurt them #i mean if they stay jedi theyre still going to be delightfully unbearably codependent #but even the council isnt going to say anything because they missed obi-wan #prompt fill #feral obiwan

[horce-divorce]

man. so. i've been doing REALLY well mental-health wise since i moved back to michigan. in the past 2 years i even started sleeping regularly and established a bit of daily routine

but my routine is messed up rn because i had to stop smoking weed. i chose to for my EEG in a month but also bc i'm out of money lmfao. and i would maybe even be able to function w/o weed if it wasn't for the ARFID. but my life and my nice new routine is falling apart now bc i went off my meds and, predictably, i cannot eat! and I am. frustrated. I just need to vent :^)

cw for talk of food/ED & neuro issues

without weed, it takes me so long to eat even 1 apple, sliced as if for a child (usually 1.5 hours), that i have to devote my ENTIRE day to making sure that i'm getting enough calories to even sort-of function. because if I only eat "what I can" I will only be eating about 500cals a day, i will start barfing, and I will end up in the ER. it's happened multiple times before.

so my routine is all wack rn. i wake up at like 8:30, I work on a carnation shake from about 9:30-10:30. around 11 I slice up some fruit and work on that until about 1pm. i have to watch tv while I do this bc otherwise I'm too focused on how the food feels and I will have a panic attack. this esp is fucking me up bc for the last 2 years I mainly watched TV at night (easier to get immersed and then go to bed then walk around all day still being immersed. is that an adhd thing?? idk)

anyway by the time i'm done w my apple it's time to think about lunch, and that also takes me several hours to complete, and by then, it's time to think about dinner, and at that point I still probably have not eaten even 500cals. and i havent gotten anything else done in the meantime (like art, or transcripts, or whatever) either because it hurts too much to sit at the desk, or because I can't eat and focus on a task at the same time (I hyperfocus, the food will go uneaten). or both.

normally I eat smaller meals/snack thru the day, then eat 1 large meal at dinnertime, but I literally physically cannot make myself do that without weed anymore.

and like, neuro didn't tell me I need to stop smoking weed for my procedure, I took it upon myself to do that bc I want them to have the data. and my counselor said now's a good a time as any to quit if I'm out of money, because when they DO ask you to stop smoking for a procedure, it's usually like, 6-8 weeks out or something.

like, technically can I survive on less than 500cals a day for a month? probably, but I really don't wanna find out?? I don't wanna live like that??? i've been losing weight like crazy and NOT in the Cool Good For You kind of way, in the "shit I already needed to replace my clothes bc transition and now this and I HAVE NO MONEY" kind of way.

i did request an appointment w my pcp about my stomach after calling the nurseline (hopefully they get back to me tomorrow). but I feel like they're just gonna refer me to a gastro. and that's gonna be another indeterminate wait for someone to look at. and idk if i can continue to not use weed that whole time. like idk if I can stand it. i cant fucking live like this I'm literally suffering and can't do my work or anything.

idk maybe like, i can stop smoking just a week or two before my EEG and that might be ok? so that I wont fucking starve in the meantime??? :( REALLY hope the next gastro isnt such a dissmisive ass hole like my last one....

#me #prsnl #ur welcome to weigh in if u have commentary i just #am having a hard time #and no its not withdrawal this is just fucking normal for my stupid body now #i know i shouldnt call my body stupid im trying so hard to be patient but FUCK this

[itsjustmeinmyownhead]

this is gonna be a very personal post, trigger warning: ed

not many of my followers may know, maybe even none of them, but just a few months ago I was really struggling with eating disorders.

it all started around september 2017, when I started weighing myself and developing thoughts that I wasn't pretty enough. I thought in order to be pretty I would have to lose weight. I used to weigh myself 3 times a day at that time. In october I only weighed myself once a day. but I started restricting. first I would try to stay under 600 kcal a day, I still had 3 meals but of very low nutritional value. I drank up to 3 liters of tea or water a day. I started exercising every second day. I lost weight every day, just little amounts but I still lost. after a while I was sick of counting calories, so I stopped. but this went into I vicious cycle of starving and binging. I stopped weighing myself every day and only watched my weekly calorie deficit and weekly weightloss. so I starved during week days, consumed 500kcal per day max, weighed myself on saturday morning and binged my ass off for the whole weekend. my first actual binge attack was on a birthday party, where I ate so much that I had to throw up. since that day I binged every weekend. and I made myself throw up several times because I was too full to walk, breathe or sleep. friday was always my day of fasting, so I didn't eat the whole day. the longest period of not eating anything and only drinking water and other drink without calories was 73 hours. I was so proud of myself. I ignored all the health issues I had.

I lost my period, I didn't have it for 80 days and when I got it once again it was just 2-3 days and so light that you couldn't really count it. I started losing hair like crazy. I was always weak and shaky. I had bad breath. my nails turned blue as soon as it was only slightly fresh. I was always cold. the bags under my eyes became darker and darker, but the more weight I lost the better I felt. I didn't have a muffin top anymore, all my pants were kinda loose, all my shirts were bigger than before, even my prom dress in size 1 was too big.

shortly before christmas I hit my lowest weight, 41.9 kg. I was severely underweight, still thinking I wasn't thin enough.

at christmas i wanted to enough the holidays without thinking about food, so I ate. and I told myself not to weigh myself bc I would only be disappointed. and I did gain a lot of weight back. in january I started getting back on track, losing weight again. but in february I started getting weak again, I lost control and I started eating during the weak again and ate even more on the weekends. I could literally see the fat coming back. I started having a muffin top again and my abs were covered in fat again.

I told myself I had to recover. so I went into recovery all by myself.

the first weeks were horrible. due to my totally deranged relationship to food I didn't know when to stop. it was either all or nothing. i was sick of counting calories or tracking my food so I just ate what I wanted, but I couldn't stop when I wad full. I kept eating until I was literally sick. every day. I gained so much weight in a short time that I got stretch marks on my thighs and breasts. all my limbs hurt all the time, especially my belly, because I was always extremely full and bloated. oh dear, the bloat. it was horrible. but I always told myself that this was part of recovery and that I just had to go through this tough time to develop a healthy relationship to food again. it was hard. my head told me that I was fat and how I could do that to myself, but at the same time it told me that I couldn't live with ana my whole life. I slowly started having control over my cravings again and now I'm at a point were I still watch my calorie intake, but eat a healthy amount of food per day and exercise to feel good. I don't restrict link crazy, I just eat until I'm satisfied and now I actually can stop eating when I'm satisfied.

I start getting back to a healthy normal weight.

my hair stopped falling out. I got my period back regularly. my nails aren't blue anymore, I'm not shaky 24/7 and I am way stronger when exercising.

recovery is possible. I never thought I would be able to do this. but I did. it was a long way, with a lot of tears, pain and struggle. but it's possible. and I believe in every single one of you going through the same. stay strong, you can do this.

#ed #eating disorder #my ed journey

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i beg you, don't be disappointed with the man i've become.

date: december 5, 2017 (d-7 to album release)

location: knight’s dorm

word count: 1,705

summary: honestly idek. ash hates himself. he’s doing great emotionally. 

notes: depression tw. mentions of alcohol abuse. mentions of weight loss and vaguely(?) suicidal thoughts tw. i lost the original version of this para back in october so i finally rewrote it and gave it a makeover to be relevant now.

“I wish my family and friends, they stay healthy I wish that love was a currency and the whole world was wealthy I found myself late night wishing on a star Everyday I wish I'd never broken a heart.”

when his manager said ash’s new schedule would be a lot busier than it had originally been, he hadn’t been kidding. for the past month and a half, it’s been the same. ash spends all day in the studio recording either for his album, or a portal single, or one of knight’s albums, and then he has concept meetings for music videos and photo shoots and stages, and they’re all pointless because they rarely consider his input anyway. there are days ash leaves with a success to his record for expressing his own vision, but they’re rare and he wonders how he can feel so stifled when the music on the album itself is so intrinsically his work, from his lyrics to his music to his voice.

today is a good day, at least. recording for his album is long done and the meetings are only about promotion concepts now. nothing today directly contradicts his own vision, so he celebrates the small victory in his mind as he leaves the bc building.

as decent as his day has been, when he gets back to the knight dorm for the day, he wants to be alone, so when his phone starts to vibrate on his bedside table, he plans to ignore it. when he looks down and sees a face time request from ‘mom’, though, he has no choice but to pick it up. there hasn’t been a time since he debuted that he got to talk to his parents enough and it’s been even worse lately with his busy schedule.

“mom?” 

his mother’s face appears on the screen and she looks just like she always does, somehow both put-together like the magazine editor she is and as relaxed as the free spirit he knows her to be. “ashton! i’m glad i caught you. you’re not busy now, are you?”

“no, mom,” ash answers, angling the camera to show her where he is before bringing it back to his face. “i’m just at the dorm. i’m not doing anything.” he’s unable to keep himself from smiling at seeing his mom’s face and hearing her voice. he sees her disappear off-screen for a few seconds before his dad joins her in the frame.

“son!” his dad bellows with a wide grin, before it falters with what ash reads as concern."you look like you’ve lost weight. you’re losing those signature kwon cheeks that made your mother fall for me.” ash sees his mom roll her eyes and the homesickness hits him all at once. “your mom and i have been watching your award shows performances and you’re getting really thin. they better not be starving you over there.”

“all i do is eat, dad. you know me.”

“are you sure? you’re starting to look as thin as you did last year, kid. you lost a lot of weight back then.”

the mention of the previous year makes ash shift on his bed. as open as his relationship with his parents is, he’s never found it in him to tell them more than the basics of what had happened last year. they didn’t even know he’d been put on antidepressants and gone through endless sessions with his therapist. they didn’t know he’d lost all of his passion and desire to exist like air knocked out of his lungs after a blow to the stomach. he knows it’s not a big deal and it’s not really a secret and they’d be supportive and want him to be healthy, but he doesn’t want to worry them. they’re too far away to do anything and it’s not their problem.

his mom seems to notice his sudden discomfort and traces the path of the conversation away from his dad’s train of thought.

“do you think you’ll be able to come home for your birthday and christmas this year?” she asks.

“mom... i...” he doesn’t know why he’s hesitating. she has to know the answer. he knows her, which means he knows she only asked out of the tiny shred of hope that it would be different this year. “my album’s coming out and i’ll be promoting over christmas.” his voice takes on a melancholy tone. “i really wish i could, but you know i don’t get a say in it.” he has no control over the circumstances, but guilt begins to bubble in his chest anyway.

“we’ll send your gift in the mail, then,” his mom says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. ash knows his parents miss seeing him. likewise, he misses them more than he could ever convey to them. he misses home. no matter how long he lives in seoul or how many friends he makes there, it will never be his home.

“so, ash..,” his dad speaks up with a more awkward tone after a few seconds of silence in which the guilt only continues to eat away at ash. “you know we don’t usually read all the rumors about you, but we saw they’ve been popping up again an awful lot.” it’s a topic ash has dreaded having to discuss with his parents. “you’re doing okay, right, ash? you’re so young, kid, and we know you have a different kind of pressure on your shoulders than most kids your age do, but we don’t want you to let all of that get to you,” his dad says and ash barely holds back a bitter laugh. can they really not tell that it got to him a long, long time ago? “we know who you are, son, and it’s not any of the hate you get. you have a lot of love to give and you’ve always had a kind heart. we’ve never questioned that.” the words should reassure ash, but there’s something about them that makes him feel like there’s a but coming.

and it does come.

“but you’re not... drinking too much, are you?” of course they’ve seen the video from back in tokyo. if they keep tabs on him, they were bound to. he just hopes they haven’t read the comments. ash deserves all of the harsh words he gets, but they don’t deserve to have to read them. they don’t deserve to realize that despite all of their best efforts, their son has turned out to be someone so unlikable and flawed beyond repair.

“i’m an adult. i can drink,” he says with as much conviction as he can muster. there’s nothing wrong with him having a drink, but that doesn’t keep him from feeling guilty every time he resorts to getting so drunk that he can finally feel something close to numbness. it isn’t fair for him to be numb when so many others have suffered because of him. the poison eating away at his soul is his punishment and yet he’s so weak, he tries evade it. the guilt he’d felt earlier from not being able to visit home for the holidays has spread to his whole body now.

he can’t look into the screen of his phone anymore and a silence hangs in the air of his room. in the quiet, the urge to drown himself in the calming sea of liquor creeps up on him again and, god, does he hate himself for it. he wonders if instead of his punishment being his own pain, it’s his inability to disappear into thin air. the only way he could possibly hope to atone for his mistakes is to let everyone live their lives free of him before he can do something else to hurt them.

his parents deserve to have a good person for a son, but he doesn’t know how to apologize for the fault of his existence.

instead, he clears his throat and blinks back tears threatening to wet his face. “um, hey, guys.” his voice nearly cracks, just like he can feel his composure doing. “i know i said i wasn’t busy, but i forgot to do something important before i came home. i actually have to go, sorry. it’s a..,” he wavers, “a work thing.”

ash can see the disappointment in his parents’ faces and although he knows it isn’t directed at him, he thinks it should be.

“okay, well, i love you, ashton,” his mom says first. her sadness at their short conversation weighs heavy on his heart.

his dad adds, “yeah, we love you. stay healthy, okay, son?”

ash nods wordlessly, fighting back the urge to tell them he doesn’t deserve their love. he knows they’d argue to the contrary because they’re good and loving people. much more so than he’s ever deserved. “i love you guys. talk to you soon.” his response is quiet and he gives them a forced smile before ending the call and tossing his phone to the foot of his bed.

the tears come as soon as there’s no one to see them, but ash fights hopelessly to hold them back. they feel like stinging acid running down his cheeks. they’re tears he shouldn’t be shedding. what has he done to earn the right to be sad? so many have it worse than him, yet he has the audacity to cry. tears have always come too easily to him because of his selfish need to release his own pain.

he rubs the soft fabric of his sweater over the damp skin under his eyes as he reaches over to turn off the lamp on his bedside table. he feels the darkness blanket the room and then slowly creep into his heart as he rests the side of his head against his pillow and curls up into himself. a puddle of dampness from his tears forms on the pillowcase, but he doesn’t notice. he tries to fight back all of his thoughts, to let his mind go blank of any intrusion without the aid of liquor. it’s not as easy, but nothing ever is for him lately.

he doesn’t remember falling asleep, but eventually he gives in to the thoughts prodding at his mind and, exhausted by his own crying, drifts off into a dreamless sleep with only the hope that it will all be better when he wakes up. that he will be better when he wakes up.

#&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #&& bring color to my skies | character development #no way i'm going to get all the self-paras i want to write done before....... something