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#i don't think i can do another 2-3 years for a degree
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literally all i have been doing the past two weeks is Wanting. they call me the wanter the way i'm wanting things i can never have
#yearning longing whatever you wanna call it#needing as well but to a lesser extent because you can only need to a certain degree before it becomes wanting. lusting for sure#i have not stopped since the year started and i don't see an end in sight yet. i literally can't even think straight anymore#i literally cannot do anything or get anything done i mean i'm bad at that usually but like i genuinely think i've lost it#and as someone who never had it to begin with... idk!!!!#it's like i'm afraid to lose focus on it as if it isn't a constant choice i keep making when i wake up#i must remember that i can give up anything if i decide to. everything could change tomorrow#not looking at him for 2 hours will not make the feeling go away... pls be convinced brain#because i have not been sleeping well </3#and i'm becoming hard to be around again. people can just instinctively tell when i'm being weird#it is important that i be as realistic as possible while being the most deranged person on earth#wouldn't want to hurt myself again lmao... but i always do anyways so i just gotta let it happen#anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024#and i already fucked up the 'watch a movie a week' thing i've been doing LMAO all because i wanted to look at a man#i'm ridiculously fucking braindead#not upset about it tho that's just who i am. brain is fully developed in 2 weeks and 1 day so it's never gonna change sadly#atp growing and changing are not impossible but if i do not see a reward of being loved at the end of the tunnel i will end up dead#and it's fine it's all so fine
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nostalgebraist · 11 months
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Honestly I'm pretty tired of supporting nostalgebraist-autoresponder. Going to wind down the project some time before the end of this year.
Posting this mainly to get the idea out there, I guess.
This project has taken an immense amount of effort from me over the years, and still does, even when it's just in maintenance mode.
Today some mysterious system update (or something) made the model no longer fit on the GPU I normally use for it, despite all the same code and settings on my end.
This exact kind of thing happened once before this year, and I eventually figured it out, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This problem consumed several hours of what was meant to be a relaxing Sunday. Based on past experience, getting to the bottom of the issue would take many more hours.
My options in the short term are to
A. spend (even) more money per unit time, by renting a more powerful GPU to do the same damn thing I know the less powerful one can do (it was doing it this morning!), or
B. silently reduce the context window length by a large amount (and thus the "smartness" of the output, to some degree) to allow the model to fit on the old GPU.
Things like this happen all the time, behind the scenes.
I don't want to be doing this for another year, much less several years. I don't want to be doing it at all.
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In 2019 and 2020, it was fun to make a GPT-2 autoresponder bot.
[EDIT: I've seen several people misread the previous line and infer that nostalgebraist-autoresponder is still using GPT-2. She isn't, and hasn't been for a long time. Her latest model is a finetuned LLaMA-13B.]
Hardly anyone else was doing anything like it. I wasn't the most qualified person in the world to do it, and I didn't do the best possible job, but who cares? I learned a lot, and the really competent tech bros of 2019 were off doing something else.
And it was fun to watch the bot "pretend to be me" while interacting (mostly) with my actual group of tumblr mutuals.
In 2023, everyone and their grandmother is making some kind of "gen AI" app. They are helped along by a dizzying array of tools, cranked out by hyper-competent tech bros with apparently infinite reserves of free time.
There are so many of these tools and demos. Every week it seems like there are a hundred more; it feels like every day I wake up and am expected to be familiar with a hundred more vaguely nostalgebraist-autoresponder-shaped things.
And every one of them is vastly better-engineered than my own hacky efforts. They build on each other, and reap the accelerating returns.
I've tended to do everything first, ahead of the curve, in my own way. This is what I like doing. Going out into unexplored wilderness, not really knowing what I'm doing, without any maps.
Later, hundreds of others with go to the same place. They'll make maps, and share them. They'll go there again and again, learning to make the expeditions systematically. They'll make an optimized industrial process of it. Meanwhile, I'll be locked in to my own cottage-industry mode of production.
Being the first to do something means you end up eventually being the worst.
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I had a GPT chatbot in 2019, before GPT-3 existed. I don't think Huggingface Transformers existed, either. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.
I had a denoising diffusion image generator in 2021, before DALLE-2 or Stable Diffusion or Huggingface Diffusers. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.
Earlier this year, I was (probably) one the first people to finetune LLaMA. I manually strapped LoRA and 8-bit quantization onto the original codebase, figuring out everything the hard way. It was fun.
Just a few months later, and your grandmother is probably running LLaMA on her toaster as we speak. My homegrown methods look hopelessly antiquated. I think everyone's doing 4-bit quantization now?
(Are they? I can't keep track anymore -- the hyper-competent tech bros are too damn fast. A few months from now the thing will be probably be quantized to -1 bits, somehow. It'll be running in your phone's browser. And it'll be using RLHF, except no, it'll be using some successor to RLHF that everyone's hyping up at the time...)
"You have a GPT chatbot?" someone will ask me. "I assume you're using AutoLangGPTLayerPrompt?"
No, no, I'm not. I'm trying to debug obscure CUDA issues on a Sunday so my bot can carry on talking to a thousand strangers, every one of whom is asking it something like "PENIS PENIS PENIS."
Only I am capable of unplugging the blockage and giving the "PENIS PENIS PENIS" askers the responses they crave. ("Which is ... what, exactly?", one might justly wonder.) No one else would fully understand the nature of the bug. It is special to my own bizarre, antiquated, homegrown system.
I must have one of the longest-running GPT chatbots in existence, by now. Possibly the longest-running one?
I like doing new things. I like hacking through uncharted wilderness. The world of GPT chatbots has long since ceased to provide this kind of value to me.
I want to cede this ground to the LLaMA techbros and the prompt engineers. It is not my wilderness anymore.
I miss wilderness. Maybe I will find a new patch of it, in some new place, that no one cares about yet.
----
Even in 2023, there isn't really anything else out there quite like Frank. But there could be.
If you want to develop some sort of Frank-like thing, there has never been a better time than now. Everyone and their grandmother is doing it.
"But -- but how, exactly?"
Don't ask me. I don't know. This isn't my area anymore.
There has never been a better time to make a GPT chatbot -- for everyone except me, that is.
Ask the techbros, the prompt engineers, the grandmas running OpenChatGPT on their ironing boards. They are doing what I did, faster and easier and better, in their sleep. Ask them.
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i don't know how to sum this up. i haven't slept in four days.
...this is gonna be a long one and im sorry. also literally every fucking one in this whole thing minus V is autistic, i don't know how, but them's the facts.
background info: around... some 8 years ago maybe, my truly BELOVED friend M (today 31F) started hanging out with a new friend group her then-friend S (31F now) had introduced her to.
(i (31 genderqueer) didn't know M then. i do know she was very lonely.)
so. S has introduced M to her friend group, and M hangs out with them for about... two years?, but, as far as i understand, S is the go-between here. M asks S what plans they have on weekends, S calls M when there's plans on weekends, that sort of thing.
what happens is: at one point S's girlfriend, V, starts flirting with M. heavily. in front of S. S VERY MATURELY decides that the solution to this is obviously to start telling M there's never plans on weekends while telling the friend group M is never free on weekends. shitty move, i think we can all agree.
and M ends up alone. she's never heard from a single one of any of those other people ever again. ever.
now. M, OBVIOUSLY and i think with good enough reason, HATES S.
but.
1) it's not S's fault M is no longer friends with the whole group, like M thinks it is. it's just not. if they had wanted to keep hanging out with her, very simply, they would have. S didn't even explicitly ask or tell them not to hang out with M, nor did she talk shit about M to get them to leave her out. and want to know why we know all this? it's because after (AFTER!) S and V broke up, M and V dated for like, three months, and V told M. what S did was shit and immature, but not like. extreme.
2) we don't know if S even knew how lonely M was/was gonna be. in my understanding of what's right or wrong, this is KIND OF REALLY important. the intention, the meanness, the ability to knowingly isolate someone to that degree. jealousy is one thing, being genuinely mean is another.
3) all of this happened 10 years ago. TEN. YEARS. they were like, 20. fetuses. we're all queer, they were all navigating the first romantic experiences, shit happens. S was shit but S also could have become a better person in these TEN YEARS. we just don't know.
OTHER background info: ive known S for like, 10 years, and she's someone VERY interesting who i've always liked (not romantically), but she's not my friend.
ok, and now. fast forward to last week. M & i & F1 (27F, my bestie, M's friend) go to a pub. S is there, says hi to me, hi to M (which. like at least apologize or something. but ok) (at this point i have no idea they even knew each other btw), S & i talk a bit like we always do, M goes home (i suspect nothing), S & F1 & i hang out, next thing u know F1 and S start to date and S and i become better friends.
(where i absolutely am the A: apparently, at some point M told me what S did to her. before we met S at the pub? after? i have NO memory of any of this.)
M wants nothing to do with S, as is her right. but at this point F1 is dating her and im making plans to like, watch clone wars with her. M tells me & F1 the whole story (tells again, in my case), tells us she has no problems with us hanging out with S but again, please can we not force them together, which, ofc, i tell her about our star wars plans and like, she's chill, she says yeah sure go for it, she jokes around about how S knows lots of people and we gotta use her to get another friend a girlfriend, shit like that.
forward again. one sunday morning, M asks me to hang out. that sunday just so happens to be clone wars day with S & F1. i tell her. she goes BALLISTIC. like, tachycardia, tunnel vision, palpitations, she's fully ready to never talk to me again because "i can't ask [me] to not hang out with S because that would be toxic, but i just CAN'T be around S, so here we go again, she's gonna steal my friend [me] (...i don't think M cares too much about losing F1, they're not that close), im losing control of the situation, the only way for me to stay in control is to choose to cut off [me] right here and now, so that's what ill do, goodbye forever". and she spends the WHOLE DAY in this frenzy (completely unbeknownst to me!), with multiple people trying to calm her down and like, get her to talk to me. (which OF COURSE the next day she ends up doing, because she loves me, she's just. very autistic.) anyway, at this point (sunday evening) ive been made aware of the situation with M, so i had F2 (F31, she's a mutual close friend who was acting as a kinda peacemaker) tell M i was there for her & ready to talk whenever, and we meet up on monday evening, i get apologized to (M had like, blocked me on all social media 😂) for the whole... overreaction, especially after id been told it was ok to see S, and M officially asks me to stop hanging out with S. i try to tell her "can i ask S about, idk, what was going on in her brain back then". she starts to hedgehog up on me so i shut tf up.
here i am the A again: i know M very well. i should have known it would not actually be okay to see S. i just should have. i do know her.
here i... can't tell how much of an A i might be: i don't want to tell S to fuck off. i WANT to talk to S, figure out how much of an actual irredeemable asshole she is, and only in that case tell her to fuck off. the 3 points i made at the start of this papyrus are still valid. also i think it's kind of fair to give her the right to like, defend herself? explain herself? before i go full ghost on her
... its like this. it's not like i care about S. not to be mean but she's no one to me. i just would like her to BE someone to me, cause she seems cool.
i have few friends. i would like one more friend.
i also made friends with a friend of S, T (can't remember age NB). they're the only other genderqueer person i know irl. id like to get to know them. (also they're kind of cute but that's genuinely not that important lol, i just like to make this post Even Longer). i wouldn't get to know T if i did what M wants (needs?) me to.
and let's not forget S is currently dating my close friend F1. just to put icing on the cake.
then again, i adore M. my loyalty to her SHOULD be more important than two people who are, again, no one to me. i should just tell F1, sorry, i won't hang out with ur gf, like ill be civil to her but i won't pursue a friendship with her. because i don't NEED to. i don't NEED these friendships. i would just LIKE them.
if S turns out to BE an asshole who hurt M on purpose, it's great, it's golden. problem solved. ill tell her she's shit and, i mean, F1 will probably break up with her too. no one gained or lost anything from a whole shebang were i haven't slept in like 4 days and got a stress herpes or whatever it's called, it's cool, it happens, go us.
but if S is... justifiable? understandable? NOT a dick? i don't feel i have an actual reason to delete her number. would i, for M? probably, yeah, but i don't WANT to.
F1 says im a doormat. F2 says im basically a monster and how could i do this to M when there's plant of other friendly fish in the sea.
AITA?
and while we're at it, if someone feels like giving advice... what do i do?
What are these acronyms?
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solarianastrology · 1 year
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ASTRO OBSERVATIONS!!!
I just made this blog to post my astro observations, learn more, and interact with others into astrology. I've been studying astrology for 2 years and heavily focus in medical astrology, but I love it all.
DISCLAIMER: These are my observations from my personal experiences with these placements and energies. They may or may not apply to you. Astrology is not the end all be all, it's simply the possibilities and in your birth chart, you determine the outcome. There's duality to everything.
Let's get into these observations>>>>>>
If you've ever paid attention to degrees, you've probably noticed this pattern. Let's take Aries for example. The Aries degrees are 1, 13, and 25. Aries is of the cardinal modality and fire element in astrology.
Let me get to the point >>>>> In astrology, 1 degree is Aries, so is 13 and 25, but let's take a closer look at these numbers. When you add 1+3, you get 4, which is Cancer, a cardinal water sign. When you add 2+5 you get 7, which represents Libra, a cardinal air sign. The degrees coincide with the signs of that same modality.
Another example: Taurus is 2 degrees and its fixed earth sign. The other degrees that represent Taurus are 14 and 26. 1+4 is 5, which is a Leo degree, a fixed fire sign. When you add 2+6, you get 8 which is Scorpio, a fixed water sign. You see the pattern?
Most Pluto 2H natives I know that are undeveloped have an unhealthy attachment to extremely materialistic items (if that makes any sense, lol) such as designer or the most trending fashions. I've seen some go broke buying shoes and clothes, travelling, and I could be wrong but I think it's to give them a temporary sense of self-worth or value. The key with Pluto here is to get in touch with what is truly of value to you instead of what society deems valuable in outer appearance. When you transform your value system, the constant ups and downs with finances, stability, and self-worth will improve. Learn yourself, love yourself, evolve yourself.
In my opinion, Libra's are the most manipulative sign, and this is coming from a Libra. Don't get me wrong, Cancers can be very manipulative emotionally, but they don't care to have you around if you negatively affect their mood. Most manipulators need to manipulate because they need something from you whether it be something physical or not. Geminis manipulate for fun and out of boredom lol, it's not too much reason and they are very independent and can connect with almost anyone, so they don't take the top for me either. Scorpios are known for this, I know... but it's Libra's need for relationships that get me. Libras are balance and anything tipping the scale will cause an imbalance and that's the last thing any Libra wants. Some will do almost anything to keep the peace and not to mention the charm. Heavy Libra placements, especially Sun, Venus, and Mercury's words and deliverance are magnetic. They can manipulate almost any situation. and don't forget they are VERY intelligent. (AIR)
Pisces Rising's are always so beautiful in an out of this world way, like I can stare at them and just admire their beauty, almost like a painting.
Those with Sagittarius Suns in Pisces degrees are healers. They also have an expansive imagination which can sometimes lead to unrealistic or more fantasy thoughts frequently. Beautiful inventions and ideas but it's important that Ya'll sometimes put focus into the details of things and how to actually make those ideas practical so that they manifest physically.
In order to manifest anything, you need all four elements. You first begin with the imagination/visions (FIRE), then you have to connect with that thought emotionally (WATER) to give the thought meaning and reason. Through connecting with that thought you develop thoughts that support that feeling, you gather information (AIR), your mind knows what direction to go in in order to make it a reality. Now you make the thoughts a reality by putting in the practical work (EARTH) to make it physical.
Chiron 3H natives are so smart but with a lot of them I know, the education system made them feel like they weren't because of their unique way of acquiring knowledge. They like to learn on their own and in their own way to build confidence in the knowledge they know. Just because a teacher taught them something one way, doesn't make it the only way. Just because some information came from one source, doesn't make it credible or true, they dig deeper and find their own meaning.
Virgo risings are so well put together and they know it. They not only see the flaws in everything and everybody, but they see it in themselves. I find it beautiful and quite classy that they don't judge anyone despite being able to see the imperfections in others but instead strive for perfection in self. They'll never make a bad first impression.
Cancer moons feel deeply but they are not crybabies, (at least not in front of others). They don't try to suppress their emotions, nor do they try to show them too much, they sort of let them flow. They have a keen understanding of emotions.
Okay thats it! THANK YOUUU
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cancerfairy · 2 years
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𝙰𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘 𝙾𝚋𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝙿𝚝.𝟺
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since i'm feeling much better i've decided to finally put out another astro observation post for y'all! thanks for supporting my blog, i'm grateful to all of you <3 here are my other observations: one, two, three ;*
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𖡎 leo risings love giving their friends/lovers all kinds of gifts whether they're handmade or even giving free readings to them
𖡎 cap or sag in the 11h may attract older friends or act like the oldest in their friend group when they might be the youngest
𖡎 if you wanna know which year was or will be your worst check the sign of your 8h in your natal chart. then check to see if that sign is the same for your ascendant in your solar return chart that you thought was the worst year. if you feel the year hasn't happened yet, check your future solar return charts to see. then check to see where the ruler of your 8h is in your natal chart. for example, my friend said her worst year was in 2017 bc of school. she has an aqua 8h and her solar return chart ascendant was in aqua. the ruler of her 8h was in the 9h which has to do with school
𖡎 for saturn in 4h natives, most people will think they're very closed off and private as a first impression (which they are to some degree), however once you get to know these people, they have a habit of making people feel super comfortable and welcome. they are the sweetest people with the hardest childhoods
𖡎 people with major libra placements, like a stellium (with little to no water) tend to be very insensitive towards others feelings and problems. i've noticed that most of these people have sympathy but lack empathy
𖡎 i feel like uranus in 7th individuals prefer low maintenance friendships bc they value their independence and don't always like someone constantly texting them (especially if they have a ton of air placements)
𖡎 moon in 6h natives have a huge soft spot for pets and animals but sometimes they'll hide that fact if their moon is in scorpio or capricorn. i've noticed these signs tend to take awhile to open up to their pets
𖡎 cancer & taurus placements are super cranky when they're woken up by someone. it's like they turn into a different person and if you don't want that side of them then don't interrupt their sleep !
𖡎 on the other hand, if a cancer/taurus placement doesn't get mad when you wake them up then you must be really special to them
𖡎 earth in 3rd house natives tend to sound super blunt and almost mean to others despite their mercury sign
𖡎 same thing with mercury-saturn natives. they tend to be very blunt and straightforward. perhaps they had to learn many lessons about the way they speak to others and how they come off because it can be viewed as rude even if they mean well
𖡎 people with earth or fire in their 2nd or 3rd house tend to have deeper voices
for example: i have aries in the 2nd and taurus in the 3rd and my voice is pretty low/deep
𖡎 venus transiting your 5h could mean you'll meet someone you'll be in a relationship with soon. this could also apply to sun, moon, jupiter or mercury but make sure there are atleast two planets transiting your 5h
𖡎 gemini, virgo & aqua placements are the most observant people ever. they watch your behavior and mannerisms as if they're studying you. i've also seen scorpio & cancer placements (esp if cancer placements have air placements too) do this as well.
𖡎 taurus and libra moons are the ones that sign and dance when they eat/get food they like
𖡎 libra moons are always online shopping
𖡎 having virgo in 2h is like going to the mall, picking up all the stuff you like and then when you get to the register you start putting stuff back bc you think its too expensive and ending up buying 2 things at the end
𖡎 aries/pisces/1h placements tend to have really nice or pretty eyes/eyelashes
𖡎 leo moons have such pretty hair and i noticed when they have curls (which they usually do) they're big curls or their curls are very defined
𖡎 saturn in gemini in the 4th natives/saturn in 4th/chiron in 4th/cap in 4th/mars in 4th (sometimes lilith) all grew up far too fast during their childhood. their parents were most likely abusive and/or narcissistic. they've left the native with an obscene amount of trauma to deal with as adults and most don't know where to start or heal from it. their problems were never taken seriously or even heard and parents often never let the native stand up for themself or criticize the parent without punishment. these natives were silenced and often felt alone or invisible
𖡎 the biggest lesson for mercury-saturn aspects especially conjunctions is to think before you speak. naturally this aspect forces you to do so but with the conjunction it causes people to become very blunt to the point where it may hurt others feelings. saturn here tries to teach you how to speak in a way that's efficient but won't hurt others feelings
𖡎 venus-saturn aspects may love vintage clothing especially now that it's trending more. they're also fond of old movies or just old vintage things in general
𖡎 the 8h is opposite the 2h of self esteem and self worth so i feel like the ruler of your 8h is where you get disrespected the most. for example, 8h ruler in the 7h? you might get disrespected in relationships. 8h ruler in 4h might get disrespected by their family the most.
𖡎 2h ruler is where you may feel appreciated the most bc it rules your self esteem. 2h ruler in the 6h may struggle with liking their bodies for awhile but as they grow up, people may compliment their bodies more or they may become meow accepting of it. 2h ruler in the 2h may start to appreciate themselves as they grow up (depending on the planet in the 2h) and start liking their voice more. 2h ruler in the 5h might appreciate their talents more or become more accepting of their romantic side.
𖡎 i've noticed a lot of 8h placements (specifically saturn or stelliums) tend to get bullied when they were younger!
𖡎 aries venus (males) usually are so direct when they like people and you'll always know it but when you're the one being chased by an aries venus i noticed that they tend to stop chasing once they feel they "got you". you stop being a prize for them to win and so they start to get bored or become uninterested in you. it's almost like you have to keep being exciting for them to stay. if you want to keep an aries venus, be unpredictable and play hard to get! (this usually only works on guys tho)
𖡎 if you have an aries 5h or gemini 5h you may attract younger partners! this may also apply to mercury in 5h people or your ruler of the 7h in the 5h!
𖡎 people with sun-mercury conjunctions always talk ALOT especially if it's in a mutable sign!
𖡎 saturn in water houses causes the native to be afraid or reluctant to open up to others. these people tend to be afraid of vulnerability. saturn acts as a lock and key in these houses so the natives have trouble expressing the themes of the houses to others when asked to and it's almost as if their lips are glued together.
𖡎 taurus moons/ lilith in 2h can struggle a lot with eating disorders or may have a difficult relationship with food. ex: in jennette mccurdy's new book she talks about struggling with bulimia and she's a taurus moon. if these natives also have moon-jupiter aspects they could be prone to eating their feelings away.
𖡎 leo moons can sometimes have daddy issues, as in, either their father wasn't in their life or they don't acknowledge them at all
𖡎 i noticed that some leo placements (especially if they have 6h placements/cancer placements ) tend to do favors for other people but always expect you to do something for them otherwise they'll try to hold it over your head and say "well i did this for you so why won't you do this for me?!" they're generous but expect that generosity to be returned.
𖡎 4h, 6h & 8h people often become peoples personal therapist bc they lack the boundaries to say no to others. they enjoy helping people but it leads to them becoming very drained and tired and so they may take time to themselves or just disappear from friends for awhile. you guys need to learn how to stop feeling guilty for not being there for others and instead you should choose yourself! don't help others at the expense of your mental health!
𖡎 ik i wrote this while answering in an ask but virgo venus's either have people that criticize them (their looks) or they critize themselves to the point where they can't recognize their beauty which is why a lot of virgo venus celebs like bella hadid, kylie jenner, kim kardashian and others get plastic surgery. pls virgo venuses learn that your natural beauty is perfect <3
𖡎 virgo moons are probably the hardest moon signs imo to get to know on an emotional level bc they're so careful with their words and don't like oversharing at all. if they do end up oversharing, they feel embarrassed after (i noticed this manly in men tho... specifically aqua men)
𖡎 pluto transiting your natal 6h or being in your solar return chart can cause major health changes. i've noticed it causes health problems or a sudden development of a health issue. it can also cause your weight to fluctuate
𖡎 an 8h sun in your solar return chart can make you constantly second guess if your ego is getting in the way of your plans. it's a major ego death and really makes you aware of it's influence. you'll notice that you'll be more aware of "putting your pride aside" to make decisions
𖡎 i think this is obvious but leo stellium people are SO loud and act like literal little kids in front of their loved ones but i also noticed they take really good pictures of their friends or people they care about fr. they give a ton of compliments too (definitely love this ab them bc i'm a leo venus <3)
𖡎 one thing i noticed about aqua suns is that you can never really tell when they're joking through text bc they naturally have a serious tone or demeanor especially through text like you'd imagine them texting in a straight face
𖡎 if you have a stellium in your chart you may find yourself constantly attracting important relationships with others that have stelliums in their chart bc it's said that people with stelliums are "more powerful" since there's more focus on the specific sign the stellium is in or house
𖡎 having your natal rising in the same sign as your solar return rising sign can make you feel more like yourself during that year
𖡎 having a 10h stellium in your sr chart (especially with venus in it or venus conjunct the mc) could mean you'll get a promotion that year
𖡎 pluto in 2h in a solar return chart could go two ways: either your financial situation changes a lot or your self esteem changes a lot
in my case it was both bc my financial situation got better and my self esteem increased so much that i feel like my 12 yr old self would be so proud :,)
𖡎 having jupiter in the 4h of a solar return chart could mean you get a new addition to your family like someone might move in or a new child might be born in your immediate family. it could also mean you may move from your house
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𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚢 & 𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚎:
𐀶 having lilith in the 1h of a composite chart can either cause high sexual compatibility or cause you two to slowly resent each other
depending on the lilith sign you can see how or why you resent each other. for example: gemini lilith may resent each other bc of the way one talks to the other (constantly calling names or petty arguments)
𐀶 having an a fixed sun (i specifically observed scorpio & taurus) in a composite chart shows you two will be in each other's lives for a long time.
𐀶 having an aries sun or aries 12h of a composite chart can show that the relationship may end just as fast as it began.
𐀶 stelliums in composite charts are important whether they're house or sign stelliums because it means that you'll both impact each other's lives a lot
𐀶 however, a composite chart with a mutable stellium (i've mostly observed a virgo and gemini stellium) and barely any inner fixed planets (specifically the sun or rising) will likely not last because mutable placements aren't really stable but the relationship will atleast be flexible enough for you two to grow in it
𐀶 check to see if any of your natal planets conjunct your composite chart planets and that'll show you how you act as an individual in the relationship or how it affects you specifically. ex: i had a composite gemini stellium (moon, venus, mars & saturn) with someone and it was conjunct my natal mercury. needless to say, i needed a lot of mental stimulation in that relationship otherwise it wouldn't work
𐀶 on that note, having a lot of air in a composite chart shows you two both need a lot mental stimulation so texting or calling may be important to you two
𐀶 having a lot of water in a composite chart shows you two need a lot of emotional vulnerability or that it'll be a focus of the relationship
𐀶 having a lot of fire in a composite chart shows that you two will experience new things together and likely travel a lot or laugh often
𐀶 having a lot of earth in a composite chart can show that you two need to be physically with each other a lot or that you two need financial stability together. it could also indicate needing stable roots with this person or wanting to settle down with them. this could be a composite chart with someone you're with for a long time
𐀶 chiron in the 1h of a composite chart can either indicate a lot of healing or wounds resurfacing and being too hard to deal with
𐀶 neptune in 1h of a composite chart can make the relationship feel like a dream with the other person. you both feel like the other is your ideal person. the same applies to synastry that has a lot of neptune aspects such as neptune conj ascendant/moon-neptune or venus-neptune
𐀶 having inner pisces placements in a composite chart (especially moon) can really create a telepathic connection between the two people involved. i had this with someone and i swear i always knew how he felt or what he was thinking before he even said anything
𐀶 a relationship that will change you the most usually has a 8h placements in the composite chart or even an 8h stellium. it'll be the relationship you never forget and this could apply to synastry as well
𐀶 having gemini mars in composite means you two may like sexting or phone sex lmao
another observation of this placement is that the two of you may call each other names and it may really offend one of you even if the other meant it in a jokey way. this placement could indicate petty fights but they get dispelled pretty quickly
𐀶 hardly any moon aspects in synastry to your moon could make the relationship feel very dry and likely superficial
this especially applies to moon-saturn aspects in composite (specifically conjunct or square). since the moon usually rules the woman (if it's a heterosexual relationship) then she'll most likely feel empty or lonely in the relationship and it's hard to create an emotional bond
𐀶 mercury overlaying someone's 8h in synastry (if you're the mercury person) makes you literally spill all your business to them.
this can also apply to mercury in the 4h of a composite chart bc you feel "safe" enough to tell them
𐀶 having a leo rising/leo placements in a composite chart makes such a fun relationship/friendship with someone like it's just constant laughing
𐀶 having innner 6h placements in a composite chart show that you two can live with each other well and it shows you two may talk everyday or have some kind of routine you do together that's in harmony
𐀶 however, having a planet like pluto in the 6h in a composite chart can show you two don't like living together or it could be very difficult like you may hate some of their habits
𐀶 having chiron in the 8h of a composite chart can be a healing placement for your deepest wounds. it can cause both of your trauma to surface but together, it's easier to sort it out or talk about it
𐀶 besides venus in 5h being a great placement for either composite or synastry, i noticed in a composite chart it shows that you two enjoy indulging in the others hobbies and you two probably love doing similar activities
𐀶 having north node in the 1h in synastry or composite (or conjunct the composite ascendant) shows that you and the other person were meant to meet in order to move each other's lives forward. some are meant to stay and others are short lived just to get you in the direction you need to go
𐀶 having mars in the 2h in a composite chart might mean you two spend money impulsively or you just spend too much too fast
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fuckyeahdindjarin · 9 months
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Behind the Seams: Part IV
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{ Behind the Seams: Part III | Part III: Edgestitch | Series Masterlist }
Welcome to the second instalment of Behind the Seams! For those new to the series, this is a behind-the-scenes deep dive that I post in between chapters for those who are interested in taking a peek at my writing process (mainly because I update so slowly lol). There are spoilers for Edgestitch below the cut, so if you're not caught up, I suggest you come back when you are!
Current status: 3.6k unfinished rough draft
Initial thoughts: The last chapter laid down a few anchor points that I hope will carry the story forward for the next 2 to 3 parts. I still don't have an overarching plan for this series, and there is no 'plot' to speak of other than the unfolding of the relationship between Joel and Pin, and I'm good with that!
After the excitement of the last chapter, it took me a while to get back into the Seams mindset. While we resolved a tiny bit of the sexual tension last chapter, there is still a lot to unpack between these two. The camera is zooming in for this chapter, where we throw Joel and Pin together again, but in a less accident-prone manner as they take things into their own hands rather than leave it up to chance.
The challenge: One word - intimacy. On both their parts.
As Pin alluded to in the last chapter, it's been a long time anyone has even kissed her, let alone anything else. There will be some action in this chapter - I haven't decided to which degree yet - but I want to do it in a way that is sensitive to her history (even though I will leave it vague).
As for Joel, it's also one word - Tess. My Google doc right now cuts off at the beginning of the intimate scene, because I haven't figured out what he's thinking just yet in relation to her. As much as he's falling for Pin, I imagine he might be confused, guilty, probably in denial about his grief. I don't want Seams to get too heavy, and I might not be exploring these themes in Part IV just yet, but these are themes that I'm looking to explore in some way in the series.
Ellie: I was so bowled over by everyone's reaction to Ellie in the last chapter! That really gave me such a confidence boost, and I'm so happy to say that our favourite gremlin is making more of a cameo this chapter. She's great comedic relief while bringing out the dad side of Joel that I just love dipping into.
Joel: Many of you have brought up you're enjoying Joel's thoughts about Jackson and Sarah, and you don't understand how much it means to me. Getting into Joel's head has been one of my favourite things about this series, especially with him trying to figure out how to exist in this place after 20 years of just surviving. Ellie allowing himself to get back in touch with his dad side is another angle that I love delving into. The instincts have never left him, and I'm having so much fun bringing out that side of him.
Something fun: As I teased right here, the white undervest will make a return, and yes, Joel will be sweaty AF in it - I wonder why 🤷🏻‍♀️
Thank you for reading if you've made it this far! As with the last chapter, it helps so much putting my thought process into words, to make space in my head so that I can push forward with the writing. Thank you for indulging me, I hope you enjoyed this one ❤️ I'm always open to chatting, so don't be shy!
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elliesmainhoe · 1 year
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At Last
Professor!Ellie x CollegeStudent!Reader
Summary: After graduation you finally see Ellie again. FINAL PART
Contents: alcohol consumption, intoxication, creepy guy, implied attempted SA, use of 'Dyke', panic attack, Ellie to the rescue 💪, comfort.
My Masterlist
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 (You're Here)
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Three months passed excruciatingly slow and you hadn't seen Ellie once. Finals came and went and soon enough you were receiving a rolled up certificate wrapped in a bow, up on a stage infront of your peers.
A few family friends had attended the ceremony, sending you an applause as soon as your name was called out and you walked out on the stage.
It was a great day. Full of laughter, drinking and annoying Dina and you couldn't ask for anything more. Expect you could... Ellie was there, in the sea of people. I mean... it wasn't suprising, she was a professor and she attended to support her students shed taught throughout the year.
But when you looked around when you walked the stage, your eyes were drawn to her. She was dressed smartly, a dress shirt, pants and a blazer, she had silver circular framed glasses resting on her nose bridge. It was the first time you'd seen Ellie actually look like a professor. And she had this stupid, proud, happy smile on her face when she looked at you.
Your heart throbbed angrily in your chest when you looked at the woman, tears threatening to slip out of your eyes, but you scurried off the stage before they could, walking over to your family and friends to hug them and listen to their praises as they congratulate you finally completing your degree.
"What are you going to do now, y/n?" Jesse's attempt to out do the blasting music brought you back to earth. A party. Of course, one last hurrah until you have to dive head first into the hellscape that is said to be employment.
"Fuck if I know... What are you going to do?" "Be Dina's male-wife of course" "uhuh, im sure she'll love that" you replied sarcastically, rolling your eyes as he orders you another shot.
"Ugh jesse, I really don't think- I should have another shot... I'm gonna be absolutely shit face in thirty minutes if we keep going like this"
••••••••• 30 minutes later
Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, you were absolutely hammered. You'd left the bar discreetly to get away from the pounding music, smell of sweat and taste of bitter alcohol on your tongue. You knew you shouldn't have, should've told Dina at least, but a drunk brain can't be reasoned with so here you were walking down the sidewalk, slippery from the rain with your keys placed in between your fingers.
An overwhelming but familiar uneasiness increased in your chest, it could just be drunk paranoia but the feeling of someone's eyes watching your every move became less and less excusable. You were vulnerable, in a black dress, heels, no one knew where you were, you were drunk and you knew that you are the perfect target for alley dwellers.
Your feet began moving faster, the cracks in the sidewalk catching your heel and almost tripling you over. "Hey, were you going darling?"
Fight, flight or freeze. Freeze.
Body going rigid as the croaky voice that spoke from behind you, you willed your body to move, but no avail. Breathing faster, hands shaking. "I can show you a good time?" Tears streaming, head spinning.
No. No. No no no no no. Not again, please, please, please not again.
"No-uh-no thanks" your voice broke and trembled. You bit down on your lower lip trying to make sure a sob didn't leave your mouth.
"Oh c'mon darl~ it'll be fun~" you squeezed your eyes closed as you heard the stomp of his feet approaching you, you shook your head violently, hoping that he would give up and leave.
"She said no, you fucker" your body physically eased at the sound of the smooth, but threatening, voice. "This is none of your business, dyke."
"oh but it is-" softer footsteps approached the two of you "You take one step closer to her and I bash your skull so hard into the wall that what little brain you have will be turned to mush"
"Oh you little whor-" bang. You hear the impact of her first hitting his cheek, the grunt he let out as a reaction and his back hitting the brick wall. "You fucking bitch! I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Bang. Bang. Bang.
After three swift swings you believed the man was out cold. You still hadn't turned around but the sounds of his grunts came to a stop and the only sound left was the dripping of a leaky gutter and Ellie's heavy breathing.
"You alright sweet girl?" He voice was softer, as her eyes searches for yours only to be met with the back of your head. "No." "Sorry, that was a really stupid question, huh?" She laughed awkwardly, seemingly trying to lighten the mood.
She walked towards you, hand going to touch your shoulder reassuringly but you flinched in response at the connection. "Oh y/n... Can I touch you beautiful?"
When she received the nonverbal go ahead she quickly draped her blazer over your shoulders, walked Infront of you and brushed away the tears from your cheeks. "Oh sweet girl...." She hummed out in a sympathetic voice.
"c'mon, let's get you home"
Her hand securely linked with yours. Her knuckles were red, blood splattered on the smart white dress shirt. You could hear her voice, talking to you, but the words didn't make any sense one they met your ears.
The car ride was a blur, you remember the hum of music playing out the radio speakers and Ellie leaning over you to buckle up your seat belt. You couldn't remember anymore than that, so when you woke up the next day a pounding in your head from the hangover in an unfamiliar room you freaked.
You shot up straight, ignoring the headache that was pushing down on you and looked around the room. The walls were green, floorboards were dark oak, a similar coloured green rug in the floor. A large bookshelf was pushed up against one of the windowless walls, books, biographies and comics lined up on the shelves. '
A brief history of time' by Stephen hawking.
Oh. Ellie's room.
Oh. Ellie's room.
"Oh morning sleepy head." Ellie was standing in the door way, hair wet from the shower and clad in a grey hoodie and matching sweat pants, a tray resting in her hands. "I uh made you pancakes....? And gots some water and Advil. That hangover must kill"
She walked over to the bed placing the tray down near you. "Oh and I hope you don't mind. Dina started spam calling you last night after she realised you went missing, I answered and told her you were okay and with me. But seriously Y/N, you can't be so reckless. People are dangerous "
"Thank you."
"for what?"
"helping me."
"oh there's no need for that" her hands pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. "I did what any sane person would do".
"Well most people aren't sane"
"That's unfortunately true, huh?"
Your heart picked up speed, the closeness feeling foreign but natural. "Did you mean it?"
"Mean what doll?"
"When you said that you wanted something with me... Said that you weren't breaking it off, jus' postponing it." Ellie eyes widened at the forwardness of the question, not quite expecting it.
"yeah, yeah. 'course I did pretty... Can't let a perfect girl like you go, can I? " She whispered at you, seeming so much closer than before. Her lips connected with yours, tongues interlocking with eachother, her hand rested on your cheek, bringing you deeper into the kiss.
"Let's give this a go then shall we?"
"Please".
------------
Finally done omg 😭
Taglist: @aunslie @lonelyfooryouonly @strawberrysmoochesxo @daryldixonh0e @kittynnie @lovelyyevelyn @randomhoex @moonlightdivine @haerinwho @mufflaa @mial1l @sarahsmileslikesarahd0esntcare @moonlighting87 @escaping-reality8 @hejdevkdbdjsd @dergy @half-of-a-gay @ellieismami @cyberlainn @gollumsmygel @sseorii
Join my taglist here
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marimayscarlett · 2 months
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Did you see that the Turkish model Richard spent a night with(?) on the 2023 tour has now teamed with Shelby? I’m shocked! Shelby shared the models posts in her story and she has some kind of countdown in her story highlights with the picture of the justice libra. What the hell? I have to say I'm a little scared right now. Especially since she wrote in the summer how sweet and nice Richard was. I hope there won't be any new lies and reports in a few days and I really hope Richard is ok right now.
Hello 🖐🏼
Ok, this will be a bit long since I have my own thoughts on this.
1. I saw Shelby sharing Seray's story. That's all. I have seen no signs on how they two should have teamed up. Shelby apparently shares stuff in her story all the time, I wouldn't give anything on her posting things in her story - we all know this woman kind of has her own problems.
2. The picture with the countdown Seray posted was her with her best friend, who accompanied her to the concert last year. Both Seray and her friend still have story highlights and/or posts about the Rammstein concert they attended on their accounts to this day - especially Seray's posts are full of praise for Richard, who seems to have treated her very kindly. So she hasn't deleted anything about this encounter with him plus the turkish tabloids were full of this at the time. It's well documented how she praised him and how happy she was - to claim the opposite now is hardly possible.
3. Seray seemingly is a very intelligent and perfecionist woman, who comes from a career focused family. She graduated from Beykent University Faculty of Law as a high honor student, worked in several law firms and is now currently studying at Leiden university (a very prestigious university) in Amsterdam for her Master's Degree in European Union Law and International Trade Law (source). This woman has big plans in her life and as a attorney/legal practitioner she's very well informed about the do's and don'ts regarding law and justice.
Now my question: Do you really think a woman like that would want to tarnish her reputation by meddling with someone like Shelby? I clearly don't.
4. The justice libra in her story: From my point of view, this can have something to do with her studies maybe? I have no idea, but that would be one explanation.
5. Seray and Richard met in July 2023. That was the height of the scandal and THE opportunity to drag another band member through the mud. Seray was very open about the meeting and as mentioned VERY positive. Now it's January 2024, the scandal has died down, and as mentioned, Seray still has all the posts on her IG page - why should anything else come now? Makes no sense to me at all.
Last but not least - the comments I see floating around about Seray are seriously not it. People badmouth her on the basis of nothing, insinuate that she is lying, reduce her to her appearance without informing themselves about her. In addition, Richard's apparent behavior towards her (he gave her flowers and his sweater as well as signed records) is also portrayed as a lie, eventhough it really is something so nice, which puts Richard in a really good light. Be it resentment, be it envy…sometimes I don't understand people. Maybe those two spent the night together, good for them, it's none of our business?
Just because Seray's IG story was shared doesn't mean anything. I know that as soon as Shelby does something, people break out in a sweat, and maybe I'm totally wrong, but to me it seems unlikely that anything else will happen. I hope I'm right.
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altschmerzes · 8 months
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hey saw ur comment on the man city fix it fic ab Jamie’s fathers death & was wondering what u disliked ab the Jamie’s mum and Simon part? not judging or anything im just curious!!
yeaaaaaaah so! from what ive seen at least this is a not particularly common opinion which is fine, im aware i have some particular biases and priorities and whatnot in this area, but it just… i didnt like that stuff at all. it really put me off actually, for a couple reasons. i'll get into why, but i know a lot of people like Really Loved that stuff and especially his mom - and it also gets a little down on season 3 and the writing team as a whole at some points lmao - so i'll put it under a cut.
(this got. very long. im so sorry.)
it basically boils down to a couple things: 1. what they presented us with doesn't hold water if poked literally at all in any direction, 2. it made me feel a little uncomfortable given the way everything else in jamie's arc played out, and 3. if they were going to do something like this, they needed WAY more time and narrative space to execute it well in general and specifically for ME to execute it in a way that didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.
there are a few things that i generally dread when you have a character who's presented to have some serious trauma related to their family and specifically to an abusive parent, and one of those things is the sudden inclusion of another parent in there who is just. everything is totally fine and normal and happy and not at all complicated with them! it always makes me feel weird and bad when that happens, especially when there is no explanation provided for how that like. fits in with the abuse we know they experienced as well. that is a matter of personal preference, and i can own that. i just don't like it, and it makes me feel weird and uneasy. and that's part of it here, but what's also part of it is that i think that - my personal feelings about this type of character choice overall aside - they did not execute it well given the story they'd already presented us with, the way they used these new characters, and how much time they spent on it.
the image they presented of jamie's mom and stepdad is like… very simple and positive and shiny and uncomplicated. it's just good. they just love and support him and are a positive and affectionate active presence. and that might seem like an unfair characterization of it because we saw very little and we know very little of what their relationship is actually like - we don't know what might be complicated, what might be messy, how often they talk, etc - but that’s honestly part of my issue here. we were given a sliver of a glimpse into jamie's mom and his relationship with her and his stepdad when jamie as a character is someone who is hugely defined by his family history and the baggage and trauma and danger associated with it. if they were going to do this, they needed to spend way more time on it. they needed to introduce her earlier, do something to make it jive with what we were already presented about her: some vague mentions, half of which were in past tense, and all of which seemed to imply very strongly that if she were alive (which there was a lot of confusion about!) then they were likely to some degree estranged, because it seemed pretty clear with the 'i don't know if she would be [proud] lately' bit that he literally did not know what she thought of him in recent years. and like. it seems like i'm nitpicking, but again, this is a character who has been so strongly based in and defined by his family and the like. past and current danger and trauma associated with it.
especially given how little time or attention was given to everything else with his family, it was just way too late in the game to introduce these characters and be able to do them and their relationship with the existing characters justice. like you’ve already got a complicated story you’re skipping most of and not giving its due do you really need to add more really complicated stuff in there. and then just go actually it's not complicated don't worry about it :) like. that just doesn't work for me.
so that's where i'm at like, not only do i inherently dislike this sort of element introduced with this type of character, which is a me problem, i also think the story they presented in that episode with his mom and simon just flat out didn't make sense and they did not have the time to make it make sense even if they'd tried, which they didn't. like... if things are just fine and normal and easy with them and she’s just great and loving and supportive it’s like i. So What Happened, Then.
it makes his entire arc make less sense. if she's just Been Here what happened? why did he need to be reminded that not EVERYONE in his life was out to get him? why did keeley have to tell him to stop battling everyone that was just trying to help him? why is he so isolated and adrift at the beginning of season two? why did she never attend a single match? why did we never see him text or call or mention her in a contemporary way? like there COULD be answers to those things that make sense with what they presented, but we didn't get any of those answers and those are big questions to me given they comprise like... all of jamie's character arc lmao. at the end of the day, throwing in the stuff with his mom feels... really disrespectful to the story they wrote with him (that they already fell down on the job with) to just throw that in there with no consideration or attention paid to how it fits with or impacts anything already established.
i truly don't think that every question needs to be answered in a story. i am not saying that. i'm not saying someone needed to turn to the audience and go here's the logistic details of exactly how and when everything that happened with jamie and his parents happened. but there are some serious issues with like, telling a coherent story, and utilizing the extremely limited narrative space that a secondary character in an ensemble show can be afforded. (especially when in season three it really felt like they were already racing through characters and plot lines and backstory stuff like the goal was to just drop info just to Have It and then never address or do anything with it at all.) why did they do that, is what i keep going back to. you're telling a story with very limited space and a lot of characters. so what was the reason for that stuff to be there? so that someone could lay the 'yea he was a dick but he made you into this person! you're so strong now!' foundation for ted telling jamie to forgive his dad and 'disappointed teacher face' him into saying 'thank you' after the 'fuck you'? or was it just fanservice that you didn't think needed to fit with the rest of the story narratively or thematically? because that's where i keep going back to as well.
it just... and this is the bitchier, more spiteful part of me saying this, the part that was PROFOUNDLY let down by the way they handled the aspects of jamie's arc to do with his family and with the abuse he suffered, but it feels like an attempt to use happy sparkly fanservice-y funny and feel-good scenes with his adorable mom and sweet stepdad to like. pull way back on the rest of his whole situation with his family like see no he’s fine! isn’t it great how funny and adorable his mom is! isnt his stepdad fun! everything is fine actually things with his dad are just ~complicated because james drinks :) (and then all he needs to do about that is grow up and forgive, he's just a melodramatic mama's boy, the pain is his fault and he'll be fine once he Forgives, and rehab fixes everything). i don't have some kind of conspiracy that this was their actual reasoning but that's how it hit to me - whoops we don't actually want to deal with the abuse so we're gonna sweep it way under the couch and look! see! here's his cute fun mom isn't she great! (He's Fine Don't Worry About It, His Family Is Actually Sooooo Supportive!)
but yeah that's the bitchy and unfair part of me so. that's not really my main point.
(i also gotta say everything about that sequence with jamie and company at his mom's house feels like... tissue paper thin and very fucking weird from both a narrative and a logistical point of view. the stuff with the actual people of his mom and stepdad aside, what the hell was up with his room? what was that poster of keeley doing there. when did that go up. how old was he when he put it there. yeah she's older than him by a fair bit but not THAT much older. and if he was putting it up as like, a teenager or something, why is the rest of that room decorated for a seven year old. parents preserve their kids rooms like shrines this is true but the idea of a like, jamie in his mid/late teens or whatever putting that poster of keeley up but also sleeping in a little kid's bed still is like... did you think about this at all. it really does not seem like you did. At All. it just goes to my spiteful fringe theory about that whole sequence which is “oh this is pure 100% gratuitous backpatting fanservice that nobody actually thought about in any real way whatsoever”)
sorry this got so long but i have a lot of thoughts on this and they get kicked up every time i see posts gushing about how much people loved georgie or those scenes or whatnot like everyone is of course entitled to their opinion and i don't hold it against anyone! but that stuff hit way different for me and just added insult to injury in an episode that generally seemed to handle jamie and his situation in a way i found cringeworthy and weird at best and offensive and victim blaming at worst.
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tacticalhimbo · 1 year
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YALE PSYCHIATRIC - THE TRAGIC CASE OF FATHER JOHN WARD (FAITH: THE UNHOLY TRINITY)
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With the new drop of development notes into the GOODIES folder of the game, I wanted to revisit an old analysis I did way back during the era of the Chapter 2 demo.
The long story made short is this: John has an interesting psychology that is backed by the in-game letters and allusions to his hospitalization at Yale Psychiatric. That being said, it isn't really expanded upon because it's not a core element to the plot.
Which, to an extent, can be disagreed with because it is entirely possible that the events of The Unholy Trinity are told through the perspective of an unreliable narrator (John), which then means that some (if not all) events that take place are exaggerated and intensified by John's mental state.
If you ask me, I see the series of events as a blend of details. Demons exist and the cult is very much up to something, but certain things are manipulated to fit a narrative (think, the Martin twins. Amy's mother miscarried, yet John was manipulated into believing the cult had kidnapped the born children for their rituals). I might expand on that another time, but for now, here is my perspective on the characterization of John Ward, and how mental illness plays a significant role throughout the series.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychiatric professional. I do have a degree and spent years studying the intersection between the mental health and correctional systems, but I am not a clinician or an individual with a lot of clinical knowledge. I'm just a guy with too much time on their hands and a tendency to let the autism win (/lh /j). Also, if there are any grammar issues… I know. It was, like, 3 AM when I wrote this, and I don't care to tidy it up more than I have tried to.
With this out of the way, let's dive into it. Below the cut will be spoilers for the game and discussions regarding psychiatric abuse. Reader discretion is advised.
In-game dialog and other citations will be highlighted using small text, as I cannot for the life of me get the indent/blockquote feature to work on desktop.
As of writing this post (January 2023), there are five notes regarding John's admission to Yale Psychiatric after the failed exorcism of Amy Martin. I'm going to transcribe them in order of events, and not in the order they are found. The first note we would see examining John's case file, if he were an actual patient, would be the intake assessment form:
Yale Psychiatric Institute NEW PATIENT INTAKE FORM
Patient Name: Ward, John Thomas
Age: 33 Sex: M Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Assigned Counselor: Spinel, James, PhD
Health Examination Results: Height: 6 feet 2 inches Weight: 185 lbs HR: 92 bpm Blood Pressure: 135/81
Current Status: Minor cuts and bruises, sprain in left ankle.
Patient is in a state of psychologic shock.
Existing Conditions:
Asthma (dormant) Diminished mobility from childhood injury to right knee.
Notice the little note there about psychologic shock. We do get elaboration on the comment made by whoever conducted the intake process, which come from Yale Psychiatric Notes 1 & 2:
Notes - new patient initial consultation
Subject: John Thomas Ward
Present: Dr. James Spinel, PhD, and two orderlies
Subject non-responsive for first half-hour, followed by fragmented 'exorcism' narrative
Subject unable to maintain consistency in story (for example, stating that Amy was in the basement and then saying she was in the attic)
Subject insists incident was the result of demonic possession
Cannot declare subject of sound mind; will require several more sessions to fully understand subject's mental state. Will advise Martin Family attorneys.
Subject is suffering from delusion. In John's mind, he plays the role of the hero sent by God to protect the innocent. In order to escape the consequences of his actions, he has created his own reality. In order for everything to make sense, he needs to believe in the evil spirits and paranormal occurrences. I recommend an in-vivo approach until we can get John to accept the truth.
And for the love of God, please have Ms. Martin transferred to another facility. Somehow, John knows that she is in here with him.
Then there's the newer documentation and references to In Vivo, found in the GOODIES folder of the game. See the text around bullet point 3.
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[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An image of development notes for Faith: The Unholy Trinity Chapter 3, which were taken in an non-lined notebook. There are several roughly drawn images of the page, consisting of level mapping for puzzles in what the developer has called, in previous notes, GaryLand. The text beside bullet point 3 reads "Mini-environments to collect keys. Re-contextualized once you grab key (lost In Vivo). Placement of plagas cultists is 'contested space'. Keys? Sigils? Body parts? Notes alluding that John was there". Beside the last note is a doodle of the eyes emoji, with two stylized eyes looking to the left toward the text. END DESCRIPTION.]
Here's the thing about psychiatric institutions: They suck.
The mental health system in modern day America is better than it was in the 80s, naturally, but not by much. It is important to note that the deinstitutionalization of the mental health system was the right call to make. However, I must note that the lack of funding and resource allocation (mostly due to greed among politicians and public perception of those with mental illness) made it so that individuals are still institutionalized. As of the modern era, individuals with mental illness are disproportionately incarcerated.
The Prison Policy Initiative has a wonderful online research library with up-to-date and reflective research on the rates and treatment of individuals incarcerated, as well as how current carceral practices only work to exacerbate these issues through intensive focus on punishment:
But traveling back in time, before the tides shifted, we have to understand what the environment was like within psychiatric wards/asylums.
The deinstitutionalization of mental health emerged in the 50s following World War II. To make a very long story short, the human rights abuses were put into the spotlight. Several factors, such as inhumane living conditions, harmful treatment practices (which we will elaborate on later), and the rising costs and demand for psychiatric treatment, all contributed to the call for deinstitutionalization. The goal was to improve the quality of life for people with mental illness, and to really just… allow them to exist as humans within society. Though the movement began in the 50s, it didn't gain much popularity among advocate groups until the 60s and 70s (e.g., the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Project Release), where the movement truly took off.
However, large-scale closures of institutions didn't actually happen until the 80s, at least in the States. This means that, come 1986/1987, there were still institutions actively running. If you'd like to read more about how psychiatric institutions were run in this era, then I highly recommend reading Dr. David Laing Dawson's personal testimonies as a clinician during the era of asylums and advocacy:
But what were popular treatment modalities for patients like John? Firstly, and mentioned in the in-game notes, we have In Vivo Exposure Therapy, or more simply put: Exposure Therapy.
The American Psychiatric Association, in their Clinical Practice Guideline(s) for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (2023), define In Vivo Exposure as:
Directly facing a feared object, situation or activity in real life. For example, someone with a fear of snakes might be instructed to handle a snake, or someone with social anxiety might be instructed to give a speech in front of an audience.
This intervention is not limited to PTSD, though, and is often used for other clinical concerns such as phobias, panic and anxiety, and (in some cases) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The ultimate goal is to break the pattern of avoidance while confronting the fear in a safe environment. Which is great… for patients who are ready to confront these things. If there's one lesson to take away from this post, it's that treatment cannot be forced. Treatment is ineffective if the person requiring it is non-consenting or otherwise unwilling/unable to go through the modality.
So when you look at a patient like John, who is in an active state of crisis, and decide the best treatment intervention is to (effectively) tell him to "Suck it up" and induce anxiety and fear? It's disgusting and it would, in a realistic scenario, only exacerbate his symptoms even further. Which it seems to do, if the line about John having a reaction to Amy's presence in Yale Psychiatric is anything to go by. The man believes she is possessed by a demon (or knows she is), and has intense dread and anxiety around trying to save her (to the point where it's already a fixation). Exposing him to Amy's presence, or even the possibility of it, is not going to do him well until he is guided down from a crisis state and able to understand what is going on (as well as process the events that took place in the Martin home, because Amy would be a psychological trigger of recollection for said events).
John's official diagnoses are, ultimately, mild anxiety and acute coulrophobia (aka: fear of clowns). This much is clarified in the release form:
RELEASE FORM
SUBJECT: John Thomas Ward
DOR: 31 Oct 1986
This form certifies that the subject is hereby released from my care after having completed their required counseling and treatment to my satisfaction, with confidence that they are ready to resume their normal daily activities as a mentally stable member of society.
Dr. James Spinel, PhD
EXISTING CONDITION:
Mild anxiety
Acute coulrophobia
As an aside, can we just point out how John was only admitted for a month, give or take some days? Even if we take the events at face value (aka: demons are real; Hell is real; Lucifer is planning an invasion of Earth to reclaim what God has taken from him-), this feels… entirely too short to state that John is fully recovered.
At least from my interpretation of the intent behind "a mentally stable member of society", as the stigmatization of mental illness would place the burden of showing minimal, if any, signs of distress within day to day life… unless you were a hard-working husband who drank off most of his time at home while beating his wife, lest we forget the nuclear family values and toxic masculinity that still run rampant in American society. But I digress...
And immediately bring your attention to a bit of a continuity issue that, effectively, renders my last point moot: John's letter to Dr. McGlashan, who we can assume is a director of sorts within Yale Psychiatric.
This note is dated for December 30th, 1986:
Dear Dr. McGlashan,
It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment here at Yale Psychiatric Institute. Dr. Spinel, who has been so patient with me, has helped me understand my afflictions and has helped me fund a way to move forward and accept the truth.
With Dr. Spinel's help, I have come to accept what really happened in September at the Martin family residence. I accept that what happened was not the result of any supernatural phenomenon, but rather the desperate actions of a young girl driven to violence by her dogmatic parents and old church rituals that are thought to drive out evil.
I am happy to report that, since accepting the truth, my nightmares have ceased and I now enjoy peace of mind that I have not felt since the incident. Given my progress since first coming here, I respectfully request my release from Yale Psychiatric Institute, contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future.
Sincerely,
John Ward
And raises several questions, such as:
If the failed exorcism took place in September, does this mean that John was within Yale Psychiatric from September to December?
Why was there a release form authorized in October 1986 by Dr. Spinel?
John states, "It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment […]". Does this mean that there was a second admission period between October and December?
If there was, when did that occur? Was he brought back in during the last weeks of October? In November?
My personal belief is that John was institutionalized twice. Once immediately following the failed exorcism, and once more after due to a relapse (hence the specification "[…] contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future."). John, by this point, is aware of his mental health concerns and acknowledges that he needs more in regard to his treatment. Here, he's showing a clear capacity to establish and (hopefully) follow a community treatment regiment.
And this is where a bibically-accurate, canonical analysis, would end. A bit of insight into what happened, why it happened, and the ramifications (albeit brief). But here's the thing:
I believe there's more to John's case, since I believe in the blending of two prominent theories (everything is real versus everything is imagined). Personally, based on these notes and a few key dialogs within Chapter 3, I believe that John (in addition to the Anxiety) experiences Psychosis brought on by Paranoid Schizophrenia. In context of the game's plot, he experiences Persecutory and Grandiose Religious Delusions.
Let me explain.
There are several types of delusions, and the severity of these delusions can vary from individual to individual. More on the specifics (as well as recommended treatment modalities) can be found in this PDF.
Generally speaking, though, the types of delusions I mentioned are described as follows:
Grandiose: An individual experiences an exaggerated sense of importance, power, knowledge, or identity, that may have some type of theme.
Persecutory: An individual is fixated on the prospect of being attacked, harassed, persecuted, or conspired against.
Sounds familiar, yeah? Let's break it down:
Grandiose: Exhibited in all chapters. John is of the belief that he is a destined savior to Amy Martin. That he is the only one who can save her from the demon(s) plaguing her because he is the only one with the power and ability to do so. He, in the Super Miriam boss fight, also claims to have God's power directly within him. That he, in a way, is God (at least, in that moment).
Persecutory: Exhibited in all chapters, prominent in Chapter 3. In Chapter 1, there's "The Offering" Ending. John is (or perceives to be) stopped in the middle of the road home by Gary and his cult. Then, in Chapter 3, the entire arc around Gary's cult centers around the idea of John being persecuted (targeted by the cult for his attempts to save Amy).
But I feel like this expansion on John's psyche is supported within the canon itself, even if not explicit. Let's look more at the dialog cues from other characters.
One thing that slates me toward this conclusion is the brief mention of John's mother, Meredith. Amy's demon taunts John by asking him "What about Meredith? Did she get better?" and says how he couldn't save her. And based on the delivery of this line, it's clear that some sort of illness was what killed Meredith. Given that Schizophrenia in of itself typically doesn't cause death (though symptoms can contribute to other factors, such as poor physical health, risk-taking behaviors, higher risks of suicide), we have to look beyond the mental health aspect for a brief moment.
According to fairly recent research, there have been connections made between an individual's Schizophrenia diagnosis and their likelihood for developing Alzheimer's Disease. Kochunov et al. (2020) state:
"Schizophrenia (SZ) is a severe psychiatric illness associated with an elevated risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease (AD). Both SZ and AD have white matter abnormalities and cognitive deficits as core disease features. […] SZ and AD have diverse etiologies and clinical courses; our findings suggest that white matter deficits may represent a key intersecting point for these 2 otherwise distinct diseases. Identifying mechanisms underlying this white matter deficit pattern may yield preventative and treatment targets for cognitive deficits in both SZ and AD patients."
Now, as a personal note, I have seen and experienced what Alzheimer's can do to people and how long of a process it is. My maternal grandfather, tragically, passed due to the illness in 2020. I still cannot discuss the symptomatology and progression in full as a result of the grief, but I can direct attention to the Alzheimer's Association and their article on the stages of progression:
Returning to the psychoanalytical aspect, mental illness can be hereditary and passed down, in addition to being individually developed (through whatever means, which are often referred to as the biopsychosocial factors of development). Such is true with the case of Schizophrenia.
Additionally, there does seem to be evidence suggesting that John's perception of events is questionable. Of course, I must note here that every character in this story is an unreliable narrator. Every character has their motives in the information they share and how they share it. This is in no way, shape, or form, me saying that other characters are objectively right in their perceptions. Especially Gary.
Gary is a cult leader. Even if the cult is not as dramatized as they appear to be (e.g., they are not, in fact, kidnapping babies and sacrificing people)… he is still running a cult. He is still capable of being manipulative regardless. I can absolutely delve into the psychology and structure of cults, but this post is long enough as is.
So instead, let's look at what it is Gary says to contradict John's point of view. The primary dialog that I believe points us to a faulty perception is Gary's recollection of the Martin twins:
"Oh, John… deep down, you always knew the twins were an illusion. But you could not resist chasing after lost (hurt) souls. I suppose you wished they were real, just like the late Mrs. Martin. That is how I knew you would come to me."
The popular analysis among the fandom is that Mrs. Martin miscarried the twins, and experienced a rough patch of grief surrounding the event. Again, I have seen similar experiences in my personal life, so I can sympathize with and affirm how rough this process can be. This is why Mrs. Martin had put effort into the belief that they were still expected/born, with the room being set up for them and the crib being discarded in the Martin's basement (as well as the birthday party and clown aspect).
John knew this at the time of exorcising Amy, but his own mental break altered his perception of events and made him believe in the same narrative that Mrs. Martin presented: The twins were alive. The difference here is that John tied the twins into his perception of the game's events, and came to the conclusion that Gary (and his cult) kidnapped them for ritualistic reasons.
Likewise, a lot of Gary's dialog has key words switched out. A list of these words is as follows, with their substitutions in parentheses:
enter (abuse)
lost (hurt) souls
Vessel (Victim)
journey (despair)
Again, this could be a simple nod to Gary's capacity for manipulation as a cult leader. But that doesn't exclude it from also pointing out John's perception of the series' events. In fact, this could be John's psyche interjecting and affirming itself.
So, if John does have this diagnosis, what would a thorough treatment modality look like if they'd pinpointed it back then? If he was institutionalized a third time, after stopping the Profane Sabbath?
The answer to that is either Insulin Shock Therapy (IST)/Insulin Coma Therapy (ICT), or Chlorpromazine (a strong antipsychotic medication).
It's important to note here that IST/ICT fell out of favor in the 1960s, like most shock therapies (with the exception of electroconvulsive therapy). Jones (2000) details the history and modality of ICT, stating:
"Comas were induced on five or six mornings a week. Typically, the third dose of insulin was 10±15 units with a daily increase of 5±10 units until the patient showed severe hypoglycemia. Treatment continued until there was a satisfactory psychiatric response or until 50±60 comas had been induced. Experienced therapists let patients spend up to 15 minutes in 'deep coma' with hypotonia and absent corneal and pupillary reflexes. Clinicians noted gross variation between individuals in response to a given dose of insulin. Also, in the course of treatment a patient could show day-to-day variation in his reaction. Further there was an uncertain relationship between clinical signs and the blood glucose level. The hypoglycemia made patients extremely restless and liable to major convulsions. Comas were terminated by administration of glucose via a nasal tube or intravenously."
If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because the treatment modality was highlighted in the story of John Nash, a fundamental American mathematician with Schizophrenia.
The 2001 film A Beautiful Mind showcases Nash's story, including the usage of ICT. Attached is a video clip from the film, which contains content that may be triggering/disturbing. Watching it is not vital to this analysis, as it's to illustrate the paragraph above:
youtube
Ultimately, the takeaway is this:
Mental illness plays a huge role in the game's overarching narrative, even if not considered a major plot element in of itself. The Satanic Panic was a moral panic used by fundamentalist Christians to excuse abuse within their churches, excuse the discrimination of BIPOC and queer folk, and dismiss rising concerns regarding mental health advocacy. This, alongside simply targeting youth subcultures to preserve the nuclear family imagery that arose during the previous generations.
John Ward is easily one of the most fascinating characters to exist, in my opinion, because of how his character is linked to this idea. John Ward is a beacon (for a lack of better term) for this message within the game. He exhibits mental health issues canonically (re: the official diagnoses) and can be analyzed as having a deeper, more expansive diagnosis.
Everything I have said is interpretation, and is not entirely canon in the bibically-accurate sense. This is just a topic that's been in my mind since the release of Chapter 2's demo. You can feel free to agree or disagree with literally anything I have said, and I love hearing others' interpretations as well! The theories scattered around the fandom, whether posted on the Fandom Wiki or hidden in the tags on Tumblr, are just… so good. So I wanted to help contribute in some way!
And for those that read this far... Thank you <3
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Look, I've seen people saying that Dick is the one with ADHD, and as someone with moderate ADHD I need to tell y'all, you're focusing on the wrong sibling. Ya wanna know which sibling would really have ADHD?
Tim
Like I get that Dick is a hyper acrobat (oh my god, not to go off on a side tangent but did they make Dick and acrobat cause it has the word bat in it?), but kids tend to be hyper and I think any kid who could do acrobats would do it constantly just cause it's fun
But like Tim shows major signs, like
- the whole joke with Tim is literally that he hyperfixates to an unhealthy degree on cases, like that is literally an ADHD tendency, sitting at a computer for 15 hours without taking breaks to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom or shower is literally one of the most ADHD things you can do and is literally one of the things that makes ADHD a disorder (cause it ruins normal functioning and it makes life worse)
- I could not imagine a better way for an ADHD character to be introduced than the way Tim is, unique from any other Batkid mind you (I'll put a picture of tags I just wrote for another post that is currently sitting in my drafts [don't mind the rainbow I just found out Tumblr can add filters to photos and I think this makes it easier to read]:)
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- the whole coffee thing; for undiagnosed people with ADHD, coffee is good cause the caffeine calms us down (even my therapist has told me this) so the 'Tim drinks 15 cups of coffee' fanon out there is literally something that would align with him having undiagnosed ADHD
- Tim likes solving puzzles/cases but hates school so much he would drop out? ADHD. Tim is considered a great detective? People with ADHD tend to be seen as making connections quicker (which in places like school can cause us to either 1) only make surface level connections and not fully understand 2) make us finish quicker and thus get bored or have extra time to "disturb the class" 3) get frustrated really easily when things don't come to us right away) and like most kids with ADHD in their later years either have gifted kid burnout syndrome or Not Living Up to their Full Potential™ because teachers and parents "know they're smart, if only they would apply themselves in school, then they would succeed"
- Tim feels he imposed on Batman cause he was the only one who wasn't 'chosen' to be Robin so he works twice as hard? Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a common symptom of ADHD and so we not only are usually self deprecating like Tim, but we also will have lower self esteem like Tim and we will work twice as hard in certain situations we care about to justify why we should be there
and if you want I can keep going on but I'll stop here cause it is already starting to get really long, but just like... no one talks about how Tim is the perfect person to have ADHD and I'm gonna need y'all to start talking about it (and I'm not saying Dick doesn't have ADHD, I'm just saying I never see people talk about Tim in relation to ADHD and I feel like it just fits him perfectly)
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millepara · 2 months
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about waccha primagi.
it's ending.... (mega long who cares-type post)
once again, I've seen this coming for a while so I don't have a particularly big emotional reaction to it now. the anime not continuing immediately -> at all, the huge spotlight on idol land at the same time (and--bearing in mind that I don't know anything about anything--possible lack of people/time/money to support primagi as a result), the decrease in original coords and content in the game.... this alone was enough for me to start mourning primagi's loss way before it ended.
I haven't played for over a year, but I hope I can play again before it's over. I'd like to record a vid for each of the new songs I like at least... but I'm busy with yet another cross-country move to god knows where and possibly changing jobs so sadly this is very much on the back burner. maybe after work...? I'm so tired though (i _ i)
I've seen people wondering if the machine will be updated for the new series' game. but: recall that in the past, the new series was teased in pvs and stuff as the next step of pretty series, and that was it. yesterday's sort of stoic text discontinuation of service message is not a normal part of the change to a new series. and it's bad business practice to make us all depressed about the series ending without giving us something new to get excited about first. I think the cabinets will be removed from arcades eventually. I also think that will be the end of idol games in arcades period.
BUT--there is a new series coming. and I cannot imagine any possible reason for them to make an idol anime without an idol game for it to advertise. so that means... surely there must be a new game coming as well!! that leaves 3 possibilities as I see it:
1) actually the cabinet is just changing over normally and they're announcing it in the most disadvantageous way possible. why would they do this
2) another new cabinet?? what a waste of money that would be!! why not set it on fire instead??
3) a game on another platform?? likely smartphone, right? but then look what happened with idol land--how can they manage two apps at once? how can they expect anyone to trust them to do so?
I also would not trust them to do two separate idol apps at once without tanking both, but 3 is still my first choice here because it means people outside of japan can play too, and I don't have to dig out space for yet another card collection. but who knows what will happen. and we'll find out more about the new series soon enough--feb 2 is when the next Ciao with more info is out.
even though a new series is guaranteed, I still don't feel great about it. there's no guarantee yet that it will even be a full anime and not some piddly little webseries that's predestined for death. even if it is, there's still some stuff I feel primagi seriously whiffed on that could have helped its longevity, and some other circumstantial stuff that they had no control over, but which also hasn't been resolved. in the whiff category, the main thing I can recall atm is--why did they never make toys for this kids' anime? kids still want toys, right?? overall, the game felt a little less accessible for kids... or like they weren't pandered to enough? (not nearly to a degree as bad as Planet, though.) I mean, as with everything else I talk about ever, I don't know enough about the topic and am just saying things, but this always stuck out to me a bit. I remember commenting on it a couple times.
the circumstantial stuff is more significant, though. the big one is covid. of course Japan is business as usual by now, like everywhere else I know of, but I just have not seen as many people playing in arcades since 2020. that is especially true for aikatsu and pretty series. the other one: I wonder if idols in general are losing their appeal? I know of a few idol game apps that have ended in the past couple years, and then of course there's aikatsu... recently even Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls Starlight Stage, a game I have played religiously for years, has been making suspicious movements that have really put me on edge. is no one interested in idol series anymore? more broadly speaking, does it seem like there is less anime oriented at young girls overall today as compared to several years ago, or is it just me...?
with that as the backdrop in my mind, though, primagi ending feels more tragic. I may not be drowning in tears, but I am really, truly going to miss it. I honestly think that it had the best story of all of pretty series. I know Rainbow Live is everyone's fav--I like it too!--but it did have this soap opera level of drama that felt facetious and silly if you thought about it too hard. I think there is a certain type of person that will say "but that's why it was the best!! primagi would never!!", and don't get me wrong!! I just said I like it and I think it's fun too!! but I am not talking about opinion, or which was more tongue-in-cheek so-ridiculous-it's-good, which I think is another way to like something ironically. I am only interested in liking things genuinely (bc of the mental illness), and I think primagi was a more genuine example of storytelling with less drama for drama's sake. it also had interesting and unexpected and heart-warming character interaction in the same way RL did. it wasn't perfect, but it was very good. I wish it was longer.
and god, the game looks SO GOOD. I still can't believe how good it looks. I miss notes in the game all the time bc I'm too busy staring with heart eyes at how cute and cool and pretty my idols are in it. the music is SO GOOD, and I know that's very much a matter of opinion, but even by a vaguely more objective metric: I don't find myself thinking "discount kpop" like in Aikatsu Friends sometimes or feeling absolutely, totally unimpressed like in Planet always. the songs were unique for idol anime and kids' anime, and different from the popular stuff my students listen to as well. even if you didn't like the music, it was certainly interesting.
and the coords are AMAZING... they really took advantage of the game's graphics to do fun things with textures and shapes, and even the most fantastical outfits are designed realistically, by which I mean, I know exactly how I can recreate them irl to look exactly like they do in the anime AND ALSO look pretty... given access to enough money. (this was true for pripara as well. but it was something that bothered me a lot in prichan, bc there were a lot of coords that looked like bad papercraft or just plain bad, and would be impossible to recreate irl, and might look awful even if you could.) even though the game is ending and I have to save for the move, I want to buy up all of the cards for coords I like just to have them! and don't get me started on how cute the cards themselves are!!
...but primagi is still ending. I'll live. I don't expect much from the new series in terms of longevity or how much I like it, but I do still hope to be proved wrong.
and in the end, you know what? I never got a decent hairstyle for Biscuit. I'm stuck with the starter twintails to this day. they never released a DARKER SKIN COLOR. maybe primagi had to die all along.
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fuck-customers · 2 months
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Sorry in advance. This one is gonna be REAL long and vent-y.
So I currently have a retail job that I've been at for 4 years. I'll be honestly, it's never been a great job and since it's retail, I obviously never intended to stay there forever. Honestly, I've stayed there longer than I intended to, due to a lot of disasters in my personal life. (legal battles, house fire, homelessness) And because it was easier to just stay at a job that I already had and was already established and trained and knew the drill vs. going through these personal disasters at a new job, trying to give a good impression and perform well while hiding the fact that I'm miserable and going through a lot of difficulties that I do not want to bring into work/have bosses or coworkers be aware of. (I feel very hesitant to share any personal info at work, because I worry that any shared info not work-related can be used against me, in minor and major ways. But perhaps I'm being unnecessarily paranoid.)
However, after all this time of me dragging my feet, it is unfortunately clear to me that I am going to have to get another job. My job was always part-time (with a promise that was a lie about being promoted to full-time with good performance) but now my hours have majorly decreased from 12-30 hours per week when I was first hired, to now getting 3-6 hours EVERY OTHER WEEK.
So now I have begrudgingly resigned myself to accept the fact that I need to apply for jobs. I'm terrified. I've accepted it, but I'm terrified.
I don't have very much work experience. I had a seasonal job before my current job (3 months) and I've been at my current job for (a bit over) 4 years, which looks good because it shows loyalty, commitment, blah, blah, blah. But that's IT. 2 jobs. No degree or license or qualifications. I was in a few clubs in high school, but I'm too old to be listing my high school achievements. I can't afford college. And I know that a lot of job applications have auto-delete programs that will just trash an application if it doesn't have the correct buzzwords...but how am I supposed to know the correct buzzwords? I've also heard about ghost listings where companies post job listings they never intend to fill so they get a tax write off or whatever. (Idk if this is true, but the idea is enough to terrify me) I also have a hearing disability and I suspect (but am undiagnosed) that I have a learning/neurological disability, possibly ADHD or mild autism.
So there's ALL THAT weighing on my mind. And then on top of all of that, I'm scared out of my mind about my own personal situation.
I figure I can probably fake it well enough for the first week or so, maybe the first month if I'm really crafty and lucky (I figure I can get through the application process by listing my P.O. box as an address without putting that it's a P.O. box. And I have a lot of clothes from before becoming homeless that I can change into so I'm not constantly wearing the same clothes) but eventually people at this hypothetical new job will figure out that I live in a car (I can change my outfits and use dry shampoo on my hair, but trust me, from experience I know that I can really only go about a week and a half without a proper shower before it becomes very noticeable, no matter how much dry shampoo I use. I am a female woman with medium-length hair, for perspective) and will treat me differently and disrespect me and treat me as less than human. Or possibly take advantage of me, shoving extra work on me because I "need the money" and making me a scapegoat. Or worse, firing me. Sure, it's illegal (I think) but if they really want you gone, they can find any minor mistake you have made (and being new at a job, I will likely make a few) and use that as an excuse to fire me. Or lay me off due to "budget cuts" or some bullshit. If they want you gone, they can make it happen.
But most importantly, I don't feel good about myself. I've never had particularly high self-esteem, but in past interviews, I was able to list positive traits of mine and spin the less positive ones in a good light.
But now I don't even remember a positive thing about me. It doesn't help that my mother (whose car I live in) puts me down every chance she gets. Every day, she calls me a loser with a dead-end job and tells me I need to get a new job, without listening to what I tell her I need from her to do so. (She doesn't have a job, but of course that's not a problem) For example, I do not have word on my laptop. I need to go somewhere (library? the paperclips store? Unfortunately the work network place in my area that used to help with job applications, resumes, etc shut down) to use a computer with word to update my resume, as the one I have on my computer does not have my current job. (I tried to use the online version...what a nightmare. Also, sure there ARE resume websites where you can use their templates and make your resume....for a price. Usually $50+ that I can't afford for something I will use exactly once.) She refuses to help, even though I think her laptop has word, but I am not certain, and instead just repeats the same things over and over like a broken record. "You need to get a better job." "You're going to die a loser at a dead-end job if you don't quit." "You need to get a full-time job." (Sidenote: she herself has not even glanced at job listings. There are NO full-time jobs available, unless you are a licensed professional, a doctor, nurse, teacher, etc.)
But despite all of that, I need a new job. I held our for the holidays, thinking with the holiday rush, I'd get more hours and I could use that to keep me afloat while looking for a new job in the new year. Well. Our hours continually got CUT during the holidays and I suspect the store may go out of business and I do not want to still work there when it does. (Even though I would LOVE to watch it burn) The harsh reality is that I need a new job. I just have absolutely no faith that I can find anything much better than my current job. I expect the most I'll find is part-time of 20-30 hours per week, which is still better than 3-6 every other week, but I truly need a full-time job. Which will not happen.
Posted by admin Rodney.
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AITA for not having a job despite having time for it?
🍏🥝🍏🥝 <- to keep track of this when it posts,
My family really loves talking about me(20) when they think I'm not listening. I've heard them on multiple occasions say that I need a job and that I should just start working part-time while I'm going to college. The issue with that is that while other people can do both pretty decently, I dont feel like I'm capable of doing both part time and college without one of them suffering a lot because of the other.
My family is pretty financially stable, and the fees I owe never go over 900 dollars and sometimes I even make my own money off of commissions to help pay for things. I actually did have an actual job during my classes for a while filing things and remote video editing work (for the same job) but one of my family members worked with me there as my boss and I decided to quit after they decided to ask if my mom would've rather died than had me after I told him she called trans people abominations (I am trans, I'm only out to that family member and my brother). I haven't found a consistent thing to do to earn money since but I've been trying really hard to advertise my commissions since then.
The part where I feel really guilty though is the fact that I've been going to a community college for almost 3 years now (with my family supporting me money wise) and know I'm only going to come out with a one year certificate because of how fucked my schedule got in my first year. I didn't meet some prerequisites , and despite the course I wanted being a 2 year degree it was worth almost 80 credits, which felt insane as I went into it. 5 classes a term, some 5 minutes after the other, all based on pouring hours and hours into artsy projects (video, audio, 3d modelling, painting, 2d animation, ect...). I broke down within my third term after I started failing some of my classes. I was still trying for my 2 year degree up until 2023 where I decided that getting a certificate that was similar and getting a job after would probably be better for me at this point rather than spending ANOTHER 2 years struggling OR straight up giving up and dropping out with nothing.
I'm also home a lot when I'm not in class (I'm only taking 2-3 classes a term now). I do little things sometimes like take out the trash and pull dishes from out the washer and so on but it's all only when no one is home because the place where things generally need to be cleaned up is all in our very small kitchen AND the fact that I'm scared of them poking fun at me for "finally doing something for once" because it makes me feel terrible when they do. I end up chilling out in my room completing work and desperately finding work arounds for projects to only ever really need done in my room or on campus- generally anywhere that's not going to worry my grandma too much.
I've told my family that their teasing doesn't make me feel good but it just gets responded with "that's just how we show love!" when I know it doesn't have to be that way! My boyfriend teases me pretty often but the difference is that he actually listens to me when I tell him something he said didn't feel very good to me and we talk it through, and then he doesn't make that joke again or i feel better after knowing the context of it!!! A lot of my family members will bicker until another one ends up crying and it's horrible to watch how petty and bitter everyone can be.
Don't really know what else to write, AITA guys? I know I could be doing a lot more around the house instead of working but I'm scared of being touched (my aunt randomly spanked me as hard as she could one time last year) and scared of more mean comments being thrown my way. I already have a plan to leave this home and have been open about it to them, but I don't want to rush it if I don't have to and want to spend a few years saving money up so that I'm not in a horrible situation if things go awry.
What are these acronyms?
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morningglory-sims · 15 days
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Off On The Right Foot (2/3)
Kiyoshi gives Akio a much-needed pep talk, and we learn that Akio is actually a big softie and cares about how people perceive him. 😍
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Transcript under the cut:
AKIO] Hey man, do you have a moment? I need to ask you something, privately.
[KIYOSHI] Yeah for sure, what's going on man? Is everything okay with your family?
[AKIO] Oh, my family is an absolute clusterfuck. But my question is actually about the girl sitting with Taku - who is she?
[KIYOSHI] That's Liz.! She's Lily's childhood best friend from Brindleton Bay. She's getting her Master's degree and teaching ballet. I wouldn't be surprised if she's Juri's ballet teacher. Liz is a real sweetheart though and super smart.
[AKIO] She is Juri's ballet teacher, 100%. Juri is living with me now and no one told me her ballet lessons were starting earlier and l know she's is struggling with family drama so she's been late to class a few times. So she asked me to come with her to talk with her teacher and I may have been a dick towards her teacher... She was super professional, but I know she was pissed at how hot I came in, or I think I could tell she was.
[AKIO] So of course she's friends with Lily and you think highly of her because I can be too good at fucking things up.
[KIYOSHI] *raises eyebrow* Oh, Akio.
[KIYOSHI] I'm sure if you were to talk to her tonight and apologized, she would understand. She has an older brother, so she really understands how we all get sometimes. You don't have to tell her everything, but be real with her.
[AKIO] Are you sure?
[KIYOSHI] Absolutely, She may not be super warm because you were a dick to her, but it will at least be a clean slate, so to speak.
[KIYOSHI] Why do you care so much? I mean, she is really pretty-
[AKIO] Dude, don't even! I just can't have another interaction with someone go sour. I've had enough of that lately.
[AKIO] And I guess I'd be open to a new connection...*clears throat* of any kind.
[KIYOSHI] *chuckles* I see. She's not going anywhere for a couple years and the rest of our friend group love her.
You owe it to yourself to allow her to get to know you for real, Akio. You're an amazing guy.
[AKIO] Thanks man, I appreciate the pep talk.
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ambrwolf · 11 months
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Saw a post that has me thinking; what exactly are John Pruitt's crimes? Like what would he get charged with?
I think the most obvious one is killing Joe, but the question is what the charge would be. He says "something came over me" and that he "watched [himself] kill Joe" but also admitting to not feeling guilty would, uhh, not make a jury like him lol. I'd argue it was First Degree Manslaughter based on Washington state penal code (link to reddit thread about the location of Crockett), he did shove Joe but didn't seem like he wanted him dead. (and because im extremely extremely biased) But I think you could very very easily argue for Second Degree Murder, if you assume he did mean to kill Joe. I definitely think it was not premeditated, or John would have been actively hunting someone to feed.
Second major crime would be poisoning but again we're running into the intent of harm thing. "Every person who willfully mingles poison ... in any food, drink, medicine, or other edible substance intended or prepared for the use of a human being or who shall knowingly furnish, with intent to harm another person..." Umm, what if the dumbass in question thought he was doing something good?
I thiiinnnkk he could also be on the hook for all the other murders? At least the ones the angel did, since I don't think creatures can be tried for murder lmao. Which isss... at least 2 more Manslaughter charges?
Oh speaking of the angel, international smuggling is probably illegal- actually didn't he say "packed it with antiquities to hide it" or something? That's definitely smuggling lmao tho I don't know if he'd be tried for that here, I'm not sure who has jurisdiction over international crimes.
Actually we can probably throw forgery or impersonation in there too, he had to get back in the country somehow, and all his documents say hes an 80 year old man. Don't think security is gonna buy "miracle" as an excuse for why you look 50 years younger than the guy on the passport photo, buddy.
But anyways as his legal defense, my client was simply in a silly goofy mood your honor, look at him, hes a poor little meow meow and has done nothing wrong in his life, ever :3
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