#i don't want to get covid again i just want fo stay at home and not get sick

[disneyanddisneyships]

@gyubby99 here's my trauma recap

May be triggering so.....

Once upon a time~

My parents divorced when I was 3.

So I ssit h houses a lot which is really taxing because you have two homes but your parents wants you to consider their house your real home.

Anyways, along the time in there my aunt stays with me, my mom, and my sister for a bit. She's off her mess so she trips, falls and cracks her head open in the bathroom while 3 year old me is staring at the blood. (I don't remember this tho. Hence the thing I said abt forgetting trauma because it was too traumatic)

Don't remember anything until I'm in elementary school.

So at 8 years old I got made fun of and bullied a lot.

It's when my depression kicked in.

Got made fun of for my eyebrows, my curly hair, my laugh, and my weight.

Then my older sister moves out and never really talks to me again.

At the elementary school I'm at, my then best friend starts to constantly Dutch and abandon abandon for this other girl.

I begged my mom to move schools.

Then I finally moved elementary schools.

Everything was so great at the new one..... I made friends.... one by the name of Christian.....

I had two best friends, and a crush on this guy who was also a teachers kid like me.

One day, my two best friends don't wanna play what I want, but I already had social anxiety at the age of 9 so I didn't wanna fo anything new. They were fine with that so I turned around to get the stuff we usually do, I turn back and they ditched me... instant flashbacks to the other school.

We're friends again yadda yadda.

Elementary school ends.... I go to middle school....

One of the best friends in as talking about has a twin sister...

Her twin sister hated me for some unknown reason.... all she did was be mean to me.... my teachers were awful (except for my art teacher)... then my best friend and her sister moved to a different school....

I made new friends.. and oh hey, my old friend Chris is there. He does the weird "Yes, No, maybe" thing to qn eraser and asks it if we'd ever be in a relationship. Lmao. It said yes.

The year passes. Chris moved schools.

I had friends that were bad for my mental health. I started self harming.

But it's okay because I had 4 amazing best friends and a few other good friends.

This is when I get my first boyfriend.

He was okay.... I guess... I had art class with him and at the 8th grade dance he said he liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

But over the summer he ghosted me and my mom had to tell me to give up....

Freshman year of high school.

My dad gets a girlfriend and we all go up to see my grandparents in which my grandma and my dad's girlfriend were teasing me for having a fictional crush. It made me angry

I text the group chat with 3 of my best friends because I need a stress reliever.

My best friend just says "no" to the meme. Doesn't read it, doesn't care.

I blow up because I'm sick of disrespect. "I look at every single meme you guys send. I'm sick of you," is what I said.

My best friend blocks me.

I text my other friends trying to get her to unblock me so I can apologize. She unblocks me, I apologize. She doesn't accept it, calls me selfish and says "and you've lost 2 friends because this person doesn't like you either". I confront the other friend and she calls me manipulative, so I block her.

Me and the other friend didn't stay good friends for long (but they're cool now. We're in the same chour class. They have a Tumblr that I follow)

Um.... then I get closer with other people. Specifically my now former friends.... and.... my other friends ex....

I got so desperate to be loved that me and him started dating.

It was a secret and I didn't tell my mom....

Until she found out by looking at the bill of my phone....

Then she found out I had been self harming.... that was.. traumatic all on its own.

Anyways. Covid hit, and.. he moved schools for sophomore year..... over text we sexted a lot.... I was... desperate for some form of love....

But when I tried with boundaries... it.... I felt bad because when I said I didn't want to, I thought he'd hate me.. I thought hed leave me.....

I didn't even know what was happening was considered assault at the time...

The thing that really stuck with me was when he took his (small) dick out and brought my hand to it. I pulled away but he just grabbed my hand again and made me touch him....

Anyways um....

Later on he starts ghosting me.... a lot..... then one day after not hearing from him for 2 weeks he questions our relationship...

We breakup after 2 years... and we break up right before i go to Disneyland with my family.

He wanted to still be friends but I said i needed time.

I have a breakdown in the hotel at Disney.

And after about a week he texts me and asks if we can still be friends, I say no.

He starts trying to manipulate me. Calls me a bitch. I block him.

I get back from the vacation and I have two friends supporting me. Christian and my other unnamed friend.

I find out Chris likes me and had a crush on me in middle school...... he asks me out but I say no because I just got out of a negative relationship.. so I gave myself the entire summer to lull that over..

Then he asks me out again when senior year starts and I say yes.

He helps me realize that my ex assaulted me.... he also told the counselor by "accident" and I had to tell my parents....

Things go fine... but....

8 months later Chris starts to get flaky. He ghosts me for a while at a time (nowhere near the other guy though)

Until I find out that he told the counselor i was suicidal, and then he broke up with me.

And here we are.

[withlovearya]

may 25, 2022

to: 배프

have you guys listened to harry's house? please say yes!!! huhuhuhu it's such a good album and i love it so dearly!!! i feel like my top three would be grapejuice, matilda and satellite.

speaking of matilda, it just hits very close to home you know. the chorus felt like someone just stabbed me on the chest out of nowhere!

here in my country, it's pretty common to be living under the same roof with your relatives unless your parents are capable enough to get a house of your own, which in my case, they're not. so things have been pretty much chaotic. it was actually fun when i was younger because i was a kid, i did not entirely know a thing about adulthood and was pretty much innocent about a lot of things. my dad died early, my only brother was taken by my relatives to the states when we were kids, and i only have my mother by my side. much like lady bird, i had a love-hate relationship with my mother. but growing up, you see and realize a lot of things, you see the true colors of your relatives and how they treated and is still treating my mother and now me. home was not home anymore. i used to beg for school to end so i can go home. when i reached college, i would wish the traffic to be longer so i wouldn't be home. sometimes i would do my research and projects at coffee shops because i didn't like the environment back at home--people always shouting, fighting, screaming at each other. even now actually.

the moment i started earning my own money and especially when the elections happened, i got to see more of the true colors my relatives have. they would talk behind my back, belittle me for being a scholar student back in college and studying at a 'public' school and not some prestigious university. my aunt who provides food for us in our house would sometimes get mad and would call us freeloaders. one of my uncles i recently hated because he physically hurts people when he's mad or drunk. it's just very chaotic.

i badly want to move out, but i am not financially capable. i will provide for me and my mom when i move out. house rent prices here are not cheap. there may be cheaper ones but i actually want to live in a decent house still. i'm also considering buying a cheap house and lot with the help of a government financial thing here, but i'm bad at decisions so i really don't know what to do. i didn't expect adulting would be this hard and complicated and i feel so lost i just want to pause the world and catch my breath. but i really do wanna move out soon. but then i have to pay the house, electricity, water, groceries, new furniture and appliances.... it's just to much and i'm not really earning much :((((

i really hope that the day this current house we live in gets renovated, i can find a cheaper house to rent or to buy and i can move out. i'll be saving up fo real now i just also have to pay my debts. remind me to save up and not buy unnecessary shit huhuhuhu. saving up is hard cos i like rewarding myself cos growing up i don't get to buy things i really want cos i didn't have the money :((( sigh. life's so hard, i did not sign up for this hahahskdjfk. can i just be youtube famous and earn tons of money???? hahaskdfjk i can't even buy my dream canon mark g7x so i can start my vlogging channel huhu. vlogging with my phone is hard cos i don't have much memory hahaha.

oh and before i forget! seungyounie, congrats on colorful trauma!! yugyeomie, i'm so happy for the comeback!! *sobs* hahaha jungkookie, looking forward to proof!! nayeonie, can't wait for your solo album!!! wooseokie, loved seeing your fansign photos! haha stay safe bub!

i hope you're all well!! stay safe, i heard covid cases are rising again in south korea! eat lots of healthy food and drink your water & vitamins!! hoping still to see you guys soon!

#to배프 #withlovearya #jeon jungkook #cho seungyoun #im nayeon #kim wooseok #kim yugyeom

[royadventures]

april 27th, 2022--5:00pn (on the dot!) and fighting sleepiness

previous log

if Eric Nam's there and back again is the soundtrack to my qurantine, day6's discography is the soundtrack to april? maybe even march too??

april 24th was a sunday study day! we had a late start since T had a meeting, so we had brunch at a nearby okace called 돼지 (pig) something?? their speciality was poro bulgogi, so we got that and it was good!! a whole set with rice and an omlette,, it was spicy tho and T couldn't enjoy it :(

we studied at ogod.a (as always T.T) and worked hard until T started getting hungry, so we found a Chinese restaurant (it looked really fancy for no reason O.O). we got jjajang bab there (black bean rice) and a seafood dish. it was pricey but good !

we then had bingsu :> it was the strawberry yogurt one this time? not bad, but too fruity/sour for my taste. matcha is still #1 for me :D

april 25th i had my first exam. it was for my contemporary literature class and was online, but i still struggled a bit T.T i think i ran short on time even though we were given the essay prompts in advance and had a lot of time to prepare.

i went to salt24 (a bakery) after my exam and also got strawberry juice from milano coffee (a small spot near home). the nutella croissant i got from salt24 was heavenly,, i want it again T.T

we (T and i) then we went to pc bang to study + buy astro tickets. we met T's friend, Lisa, who was in a mall somewhere. the mall had a pc bang in it, so we went there! it was a struggle for us to find each other, but we managed :> the pc bang was huge :") we were lucky Lisa is good with korean, because making an account and paying for the 4.5 hours we wanted to stay there would've been hard otherwise.

we found spots and did our best to study. i had a splitting headache for some reason but still persevered :") at 8pm we bought the astro tickets ! for some reason even though we were at a pc bang, the website was so slow T.T T managed to get tickets though, and for both days, too! i'll only be going to the first day, since Jinjin has his solo that day.

verivery had their comeback showcase, so i spent the rest of our time in the pc bang watching the showcase and studying. i also ordered shin ramen+cheese and milkis,, the milkis was good :") yogurty 맛!

we went home after that :>

april 26th Chanhee day!!! it was my death day for exams though. i had the 2 exams i was most scared for that day, and missed my bus and was late to my 9am exam. that was a great start T.T

i was super nervous as the bus kept hitting red lights... but it worked out T.T i arrived at 9:05 but actually the exam also started late, at that time. plus, although the exam was difficult, i finished early anyway!

i went to gongcha after and got a grapefruit yogurt tea? it was not bad :P but i don't like white pearl T.T

i attended my korean class while in gongcha, and then ate gimbap at a nearby convenience store. i was too nervous to eat a proper meal before my english enlightenment literature exam.

that exam was a flop. i was short on time and lowkey didn't know what i was doing but it's fine :> to cheer myself up, i went to the Chanhee cafés after!! they were so pretty!!!!

i also met some lovely people at the first cafe (new lovers club). so we went to the rest of the cafés together!!

i returned home alone and ate nbb for dinner before returning to the goshiwon, where T and i studied for korean before sleeping :>

april 27th i went to campus for my 10:30am class and also for the korean exam, but the exam turned online because the prof has covid :( so i went to sk future hall, where T was, and took the exam there. it was okay!

i ate in sk after the exam and it was weird,, no one really eats there and i had a full meal with side dishes and everything. i felt like people were watching and i just wanted to leave.. i went home after that and T and i ate at rolling pasta after her day was done. it was SO GOOD and we also had gongcha after :> i had a strawberry,, chocolate cookie? smoothie? ngl it was too sweet for me T.T

april 28th, we did part 2 of the korean exam at home and then went to campus to access the bank. after that, i took a clasa in gongcha while drinking mango juice+pearl (so good T.T). we then walked around anam and decided to eat banh mi, but it ended up being more just like a sandwich but we were hungry >.<

we went to dongdaemun mega box to watch dumbledore and the theatre was empty but gorgeous :> seriously, korean theatres are the dream !! the foodz are yummy, the seats are comfy, it's so clean.. wow! i ate fishcake and a potato hot dog (corn dog) from street food vendors and it was so good!!!!! we went home after the movie ^^ oh, i believe it was on this day when i bought Bang Chan's bubble,, random sidenote haha

april 29th was stray kids!!! aasfhjjkll i went on a run in the morning :> then T and i ate brunch at a Chinese restaurant, had ice cream at baskin robbins before parting ways (T went to get yet another tattoo and i went to jamsil stadium to see my beloveds).

oh, before eating brunch, i scoped out daisos for binoculars for the concert (it's kinda normal to bring binoculars to concerts here) but couldn't find them T.T lucky for me, the view was still so good :")

alone and nervous, i approached a group of international stays and befriended them!! they were from singapore and had come here just for the concert,, insane. we went to the venue to get our tickets, which were like a credit card,, such good quality,, and then went to a nearby burger king to quickly eat before the show!

it was packed outside the venue and there were a lot of international stays! everyone was so giddy, it was cute!

once i entered the venue and found my seat, someone asked to switch with me so their friend could sit next to them. i ended uo moving 3 rows closer (despite getting a little lost and sitting in the wrong seat several times).

the stay so i sat next to made conversation with me and we became friends! they were a korean but did their best with their english,, which was actually really good :") their bias was Minho!!!

the concert was,, don't even get me started. it lasted 3 hours and they. popped. off!!! they would perform like 7 songs in a row without taking a break... memorable moments:

red lights being the 3rd song performed, right after venom and they had ropes attached to their necks T.T

Seungmin running around the stage constantly, doing one last lap before they left the stage for the night, too

Hyunjin's red hair bleeding all over his neck and shirt collar

'아기 슈그림 빵' (baby custard bread) because Jeongin now had blonde hair but is he baby?? for flashing his abs T.T

Felix doing his best and having to sit out on some performances because of his injury but still vibing

stays cheering loudly for Bang Chan before he said his closing ment and him pointing ay himself several times and not believing the cheers were all for him

JYP being in the audience.....

the fun games that they made us play as we waited for the encore (there was an audience cam where a member of the audience would randomly get chosen and shown on screen and they would have to recreate a skz photo/dance the choreo)

Bang Chan's family being in the audience

so many voice cracks/stuttering and Jisung always saying 'let's try that again. 1, 2, 3, action!' when the members messed up their ments because they were tired/excited

Seungmin saying seeing the lightsticks after so long was beautiful

Jisung saying performing in front of us made him remember why he decided to be a singer

Hyunjin's dancing being ethereal even from afar

Bang Chan picking up Minho and bringing him to Seungmin so he could slap his butt

skz having a live band behind them for half of their songs and endlessly thanking them/shouting them out

now mama let me tell you. the way home was awful.

it was 11pm when the show ended and subways had stopped running. like 3000 stays needed to get home and there were only 2 busses running..

i missed the first one because itnwas full, so i walked to an earlier stop to be able to make it. i got on, but we were packed in their like sardines. i am not joking nor exaggerating, but it was to a point where bus doors would not open.

the girl in front of me kept dropping things and had to bend over in an already crowded space to retrieve her things.. it was kind of annoying but oh well!

i got home at 3am.

but it was all worth it :>

on april 30th, i ate brunch with T and went to somewhere near iksan dong to meet Lyly, a friend of a friend of a friend of T's, at a café. they're known for their donuts but i omly had room for am expensive tea T.T

we caught up and it was so cold,, i was wearing a T shirt in 10 degree weather.

we then went to the lantern festival for the birth of the Buddha and was lowkey a flop in my opinion,, i was cold as i mentioned and needed to pee,, we had to sit there for an hour before we even saw anything. plus before any of this, somehow we were given super heavy lanterns.. we just put them down somewhere because it was too much for us.

the lanterns were okay,, i went down into jonggak station exit 3 to pee and met Dami for some food. we had skewers nearby and then walked around, getting some bread from a convenience store before returning to where the lantern parade was and seeing confetti being pumped into the sky while these dancers performed on stage! it was like falling cherry blossoms :>

then we parted ways. bussing home was difficult again because it was late, but i managed!

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#in korea #royart gallery #royalog #music box #27.04.22