#i don't want to have to choose. i just. i can't live like that i don't want to have to make that choice | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

universalitgirlsblog2 · 2 days

Text

🎀🍓⚞🎀・◦・⚟ YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.🎀🍓⚞🎀・◦・⚟

🍓REALISE THAT LIFE IS A IMAGINATION.

You going to your job. Your job is your bosses imagination. He imagined a company that he wanted to create and then he put it into physical realm. So you are basically working towards your bosses imagination.

Countries are not real. We all collectively imagine a border but it's not real. It's all earth. Everything is earth but we imagine that those countries are separated.

Money is also imagination. It's just a piece of paper. We imagine that the amount of money in our bank is worth that much but it isn't. If tomorrow a big corporation says that the money in your account isn't worth that much or the money isn't in use anymore . It's not.

All this means that we all are living in a imagination. A dream . A game . Matrix. Whatver you want to call it.

We imagine everything we do. We imagine our future and dwell in our past which also doesn't exist. Future and past doesn't exist. Only this moment exists.

🎀REALISE THAT YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

We can create this imagination or dream however we want it to be.

🍓QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

How do I want to create my game , my dream ?

How do I want my imagination to look like ?

Who do I allow into my imaginations ?

How do I behave ? Who am I? What does my character look like ?

🎀BEING A VICTIM MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE

Being a victim is the most comfortable thing because you don't have to do much. Your life is a circle. Everything just keeps moving in the same way , in the same circle. But this is comfortable for you. Why ? Because you know what is going in happen in the circle. You don't have to take risks. You don't have to deal with different people.

🍓CHANGING YOUR LIFE AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS

To take a leap of faith , you need to be brave. It takes guts. Everyone wants to blame everyone . At the end you will be left no one to blame but yourself. Your life is shit because of you. People don't care about your victim mentality. You know when they care ? When you get out of it. When your life becomes a success story. David Goggins is not David Goggins without his success. No one would care if he was the same guy before.

🎀YOUR LIFE WILL ONLY CHANGE IF YOU CHANGE

Everyone moves on and you will be left behind. NO ONE IS GOING TO SAVE YOU. WHY ? BECAUSE NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU. The only person that can save you is you. No one is going to make you change.

🍓GROWTH IS : 2 STEPS FORWARD AND 1 STEP BACK.

Everytime you learn something,it's one step forward because you have more knowledge but if you put it into practice, you will be 1 step back because you are not used to it. You still have to continue. If you feel uncomfortable and give up, you will be right back where you started. Stop abusing yourself by being in the same circle that you don't like. Stop abusing yourself by being the same person that you don't like. Look in the mirror , we don't have anyone to blame. As a victim it's easy to run away and be like " I tried I tried", You didn't try and you didn't try hard enough . Try again . Try again until you get there.

🎀REALISE THAT YOU ARE ADDICTED TO DRAMA.

Alot of people when they come out of abusive household , later they will think that it's too peaceful . They will start to attract people that will give them that toxicity again because this is the only thing they knew. Realize that you are the creator of that drama though. You can choose to have a peaceful life. You can choose to have peaceful people around . If you can't find peaceful people , just be peaceful on your own for a while until you find someone that makes you feel peaceful.

Stop creating drama when it was never meant for you. Stop involving yourself in things that were never meant for you. Stop watching things that are so dramatic.

🍓REALISE THAT YOU HAVE CONTROL.

You have control who comes into your life , you have control about who you date . You have control about what you watch , listen to , what you read. You have control over what you put in your mind. Your mind isn't a dustbin.

If you decide to open the news and it's all negative and now your day is bad. Don't blame the news. Blame your eyes and blame your hands for putting that on.

🎀ASK YOURSELF : WHY DO I ALLOW THESE PEOPLE IN ?

"My friend , partner is toxic". Why don't you start looking at why you allow them in ? Don't you have control over who I allow into my life? Why don't you ask yourself ? What is it in you that you don't feel worthy enough of having people that actually respect me ?

🍓WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO FIX YOUR LIFE ?

What part are you playing in life ? You can cry all day about being overweight or underweight . Are you doing something to fix that or are you just crying all day ? What are you doing to fix your life?

🎀WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING BADLY YOU WILL FIND A WAY

When something wants something badly , they will get it done anyway.

🍓GO FROM COMPLAINING TO GRATITUDE

Turn your mindset around. Set your mind on a plan and focus on it . The more you start going from complaining to gratitude, the more your life will change. If you constantly focus on what isn't there instead of what it is , you create more of that.

🎀REALISE HOW PRIVILEGED YOU ARE

You are privileged and you want to talk about people in North Korea. They won't be able to see liz video or read this post since they don't have access to internet but you do.

🍓WE NEED THE GOOD AND BAD TO KEEP THE WORLD IN BALANCE.

This is how the world works.

🎀PAST AND FUTURE DONT EXIST

Accept your past and start working on yourself. It doesn't exist. You only have now. Don't dwell on the future. What are you doing now ? How you are now will determine your future and not the other way around.

🍓RECOGNISE THE WAYS YOU SABOTAGE YOURSELF.

Everytime something good comes into your life. Do you ruin it ? What in life are you doing that sabotages you ? You have to ask yourself these things.

🎀START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR BEHAVIOUR

It's not fair what happened to you but whatver I do with it next , it's on you.

🍓TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST IS THE MOST SELFLESS ACT

If you don't take care of yourself , you can't show up as the best mother , daughter, employee or boss. You don't feel good . You are depleted and depressed. If you want to perform the best you want to be for others , then you should think about you first and nurturing you first so you are happy. If you don't feel good in your life , it's okay to take a step back from everyone and focus on nurturing you . Put yourself first . No is coming to take care of you.

🎀YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU DESIRE

You deserve everything you want and you can get once you set your mind to it. Stop taking advice from people that you don't want to share lives with ,these people are miserable themselves.

🍓🎀 ⚞🎀・◦・⚟I LOVE LIZ SO MUCH. 🍓🎀 ⚞🎀・◦・⚟

78 notes · View notes

am-i-the-asshole-official · 45 minutes

Note

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

So this is an ongoing argument with my roommate. I (22nb) am autistic, and T (55f) has ADHD.

Now to get this out of the way, i do say thank you. I was always taught to wait a moment after receiving something, take a bite or appreciate what you were given for a breath, before thanking someone so that you could add something more to it. My roommate and I both agree that i do say thank you the vast majority of the time, but the problem for her is that i do not say it fast enough.

T often gives me a "tHaNk yOu" while the item in question is still being passed. This seems ridiculous to me as i haven't even been fully given it yet.

In addition, i have the dishes as my household chore, and i do them daily, despite almost never making any dishes myself. I do this to both support T and her diet, as well as contribute to the household that i live in.

T thanks me near daily for doing the dishes. This always seems weird and unnecessary to me, as it is my responsibility. I have told her this. I dont expect to be thanked for doing my own laundry, after all. In return, T gets upset that i dont notice and thank her for taking out the garbage/recycling/compost, to which she is the main contributor to and is under her responsibilities.

As for please: i do say this much more rarely. I think it feels overly preformative and fake, and i typical choose more "would you mind closing my door for me" "if its not too much of a hassle, could you toss me my waterbottle" "id appreciate it if you could preheat the oven while you're in the kitchen"

I think that these work perfectly fine as a replacement. Please just has always felt wrong and fake. No one else in my entire life has ever commented on this before.

Thirdly; T has been upset that i don't respond to her apologies appropriately. After she is snappy at me (due to her emotional disregulation from ADHD) (last time it was because i asked if she was using the oven instead of asking if i could use the oven myself, for reference) there is a 50/50 shot that she will come and apologize.

I dont often accept apologies. Apologies are for the person saying them to get it off their chests, or to make you put it behind them. Usually, ill say something like "it was just one of those days, y'know?" Or "its alright, water under the bridge"

Because i was always taught that apologies came with a promise of change, and T can't (or won't) change how she re-directs her frustration at unrelated things to things ive done "wrong". When she told me the correct response was "i forgive you", i decided to not engage instead of telling her directly that i didnt forgive her (because i am certain she will do it again). (I usually dont engage with her when shes irritated: she never notices and just wants to say her piece so im not being rude here)

She said that i was being disrespectful, "like always", and when i suggested it may be more difficult for me due to my autism, she said that we made plenty of accommodations for me (which i think is false), and that i just needed to do this for her comfort. That please/thank yous were something she needed to feel appreciated and i should be making more accommodations for her.

To me, i feel like she is getting really caught up on semantics and is being a little controlling about it. But maybe its just a boundary? I dont know if i could commit to changing my language for her though, i feel like i will just start forgetting after awhile because it feels so fake. Shouldn't it be better for me to say things genuinely than just for her approval?

AITA for not saying please/thank you?

#aita #am i the asshole

56 notes · View notes

balkanradfem · 3 days

Note

I’m jealous of your lifestyle, how you talk about gardening and swimming in lakes and all that stuff. How are you able to do it? Do you own land? Are you rich? Do you have a job? I know that’s personal, but I ask because I want to make my life more like yours.

Gardening and swimming in lakes is not my life. It's only moments, and I choose to highlight those moments on this blog because I want to share my happy moments with someone, and hopefully inspire people to garden and to be less dependent on grocery stores for food.

It seems you only read few recent posts on my blog, but didn't find my posts where I write about health issues that are so bad that I cannot walk for more than 20 minutes, where I can't keep a full-time job because of my chronic illness, mostly can't afford to buy food and that is why I grow it in the community garden with no budget, posts where I'm heartbroken that the city where I live, with roommates, is taking down trees that are my only source of comfort.

I'm picking and choosing what to write about, and sometimes I only pick good moments because I don't want to spend my time here complaining and making people feel bad for me. And you now picked over those, to create this fictional lifestyle that nobody is having. I'm too sick to have a regular job, so I made peace with poverty and working less. So I have time for gardening, but I have to share a room, and eat just what I grow. And sometimes I can go and dunk myself into the river, which is something anyone can do who lives close to the river.

The thing is, this is what happens with anyone who showcases their light and happy moments online, it creates the illusion of a lifestyle that doesn't exist, you could pick and choose moments from anyone's life and make it seem like they're living a fictional life that feels too good to be true. People will even exaggerate to create that illusion on purpose, to create admiration or jealousy. But I purposely don't do that, I write about ruining my washing machine with moss, fixing my own toilet, despairing because my bike broke and I have no way to get to work because I can't walk, having a neck injury that doctors can't seem to help me with. It is heartbreaking to me that someone would say 'I want this lifestyle', nobody wants this.

If you have few hours of free time a week, and know of a place in a community garden, you can try to get a parcel and grow food there. If you have a body of water near you, you can try swimming in it, provided it's not polluted. If you live in an area where growing space is not accessible, and bodies of water are far away or polluted, then this is made difficult or impossible. My only luck is that the city I live in is not yet so badly polluted that air and water would be poisonous to me, so I can have my little moments enjoying the nature before the climate change gets to it.

#:(#sorry to get set off by an anon #this made me so sad #i hope a child wrote this

25 notes · View notes

not-goldy · 1 day

Note

i would say im a jjk and all i have to say is that jungkook's tunnel vision, who it's directed at for a very long time, it's jimin and it's actually godamn hilarious to see a certain group of people run with such baseless narratives even now, a lot of them still haven't been able to acknowledge gcf in tokyo for what it is, take it at its face value as it pretty much just erases every fantasy they have of this ideal reality that they wish for certain members and it's been like what 7 years, 7 years of evading the obvious and on top of that they now have to deal with the companion enlistment, it's almost entertaining to see them scramble for a theory, another one of those wack theories they can latch onto for years in order for their fantasy to live on.....but it's such a shame when supposed solos of either jk/jm go to such insane lengths to pretend that those two don't like each other, it just shows that they truly don't know them beyond how they want to perceive them especially when they bring up certain past mistakes made by naive young people navigating a very unfamiliar environment, there's about 80% of their private personal experiences that we as fans aren't privy to, do these people honestly think jungkook and jimin haven't talked or discussed about their personal feelings in regards to how they feel towards the way they treat each other in any occasion or worked through their problems or established boundaries within their relationship, do these people think jungkook and jimin are still teens, that they haven't grown in the past years to known their own worth or do they just pretend not to see how deep jikook's bond has grown over the years, i'm a jungkook stan through and through and i've seen the shift in the way he shows his affection towards jimin, it's gotten much more mature and bolder and i don't have the right to define it further but such a thing doesn't happen just magically, you don't just choose to enlist with someone just because they asked you to, it involves two people, just like how a relationship involves two people and they've worked through it, communicated when needed to, grown, explored the depths of it in their own terms and which is why they've settled into a dynamic that is so profoundly visible and grounding to both of them, which is also why they are so in tune to each other's thought process and emotions, it happened over time, it's been over 10 years, 10 years, nobody can erase that and if someone willingly chooses to ignore it and bring up past mistakes/weave false narratives when they can't accept reality they'll just have live in denial for the rest of their lives

Now this right here

Yea. What JJK Anon said

Also being a JJK who understands and appreciates Jikook's bond is so shekshie. Marry me🤭🤭🤭

25 notes · View notes

letteredlettered · 1 day

Text

Lest you think I only have good things to say about TGCF forever--well, that's ultimately true but I'm also ultimately annoyed about the treatment of Hua Cheng as a character.

Listen. Wanting to put your god on a pedestal and lick the floor for him/die for him/efface your entire self for him AND fuck him through the floor/violate every part of his body until he begs for mercy/tease him and embarrass him so much he can't stand his own skin AND live as BFF husbands on somewhat even footing are three very different things.

I want to see how Hua Cheng reconciles being quite honestly ready to murder the first person in sight because Xie Lian had some slight question about his devotion to his god's cause, with purposely embarrassing him and teasing him and calling him gege. But we don't really get anything about his private thoughts? He is never presented as having inner conflicts, other than regret that Xie Lian has suffered pain?

Like, there is a suggestion that he knows his obsession with Xie Lian and the ways in which he is obsessed could be seen as creepy and freakish, but it gets washed away when Xie Lian says it doesn't bother him and still wants to kiss him. There are several demonstrations of his self-loathing, and yet it doesn't get aired like everyone else's dirty laundry does.

And then there's the part where you find out that Hua Cheng has sacrificed a part of his body rather than any part of a group of humans who were doomed to die anyway. And you know that this is a huge deal for him, because the whole reason he was with those humans at Mt Tonglu was so that he could be strong enough to come back to Xie Lian and protect him. Except we also know that again, Hua Cheng had no compunction about helping Xie Lian commit genocide and regocide and countless murders; like he had no interest or respect for human life at all when it came to doing whatever Xie Lian bid him to do. So it's in fact a huge fucking deal that in the end, Hua Cheng would rather hurt himself than anybody else, except that is not really explored in the novel.

I mean, you can say that the only reason Hua Cheng-as-Wuming didn't care about murders was that Xie Lian wanted the murders, which made the murders all justified in Wuming's mind, and, that since Xie Lian wasn't there at Mt Tonglu, Hua Cheng just had to go with his own instincts instead of Xie Lian wanting murders, so in the end Hua Cheng's own instinct was self-sacrifice. You could also say, I guess, that Hua Cheng hated his eye anyway so it's not the same sort of sacrifice it would have been had it been another body part.

But even if that's the case, I'd want it to be explored. Like, isn't it likely that Hua Cheng chose self-sacrifice because he knew Xie Lian would choose self-sacrifice, because he knew that a Xie Lian not driven mad with grief and pain would not want to harm others to further his own cause? At the same time, Hua Cheng is not shown to make choices that will align with Xie Lian's values at other parts in the book. In fact, Hua Cheng consciously and purposely makes choices that he thinks could or even would disgust Xie Lian, because it's more important to Hua Cheng to make those choices if they protect and preserve Xie Lian than it is for Hua Cheng to make choices that would make Xie Lian look at him fondly or proudly. So, it's such a big deal that deep down, Hua Cheng does want to care about and protect others, even people who aren't Xie Lian, but it's just mentioned in passing at almost the very end and never explored.

And then these 800 years, what was Hua Cheng even doing? I mean, I get it, it takes a lot of time to carve ten thousand statues, especially the ones where you need to get his cock just right for....reasons, but I thought we were going to get some kind of explanation of what he did during this time. Why did he decide to finally approach Xie Lian when he did? Like, I think the conversation between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng-as-the-little-ghost-fire is supposed to explain part of why Hua Cheng stayed away for so long--XL says "if your beloved knows you couldn't find peace just because you wanted to protect them, wouldn't they feel guilty?" And the ghost says that then he would just protect his beloved from afar.

But was Hua Cheng protecting Xie Lian? Because it seems like Xie Lian getting trampled to death (as "General" Hua) and then getting killed and buried in a coffin (as State Preceptor Fengxin) is not very protective? Like, Hua Cheng did a bad job there.

It seems like the fics I'm reading are going with the idea that Hua Cheng couldn't find Xie Lian. Hua Cheng does say he did search for Xie Lian and couldn't find him, but we know this is a bald-faced lie. Hua Cheng says this when Xie Lian asks him if Hua Cheng ever saw him outside of Xianle, because Xie Lian has become concerned that Hua Cheng saw his downfall after his banishment and his descent into genocidal madness before his second ascension. But we know that Hua Cheng did see that, which means Hua Cheng is very much lying about not being able to find Xie Lian after the fall of Xianle.

But sure, you can posit that after Hua Cheng-as-Wuming almost disperses all the way and then comes back, he can't find Xie Lian again. I think you can also assume that Wuming's dispersal is more total and complete than Hua Cheng's dispersal after he breaks Xie Lian's shackles, so I think you can easily posit that it takes Hua Cheng at least a century to return as a complete person after Xie Lian's second ascension/banishment. And I can imagine that even after fully returning amassing wealth and power takes time, but here's where I get stumped--Hua Cheng is does not read as someone who would sit around and wait to have enough wealth and power to protet Xie Lian before trying to protect Xie Lian. I imagine that the first thing he does as soon as he can like, move independently in the world is look for him, even if only to help him from afar. And yet, as previously stated...Xie Lian really didn't seem like he got much help in those 800 years.

Perhaps we can assume that once Xie Lian ascends (why does he ascend the third time? Never addressed? Also annoyed about this) Black Water/Earth Master/He Xuan now can report on Xie Lian's exact whereabouts, but there's still no good explanation for why super over-powered Hua Cheng would not be able to find Xie Lian for 800 years. I mean, it's not exactly a needle in a haystack here. Xie Lian is a singular person. Just follow disaster, honestly. I guess Hua Cheng didn't know about the shackle on Xie Lian's luck, but he has figured out a lot of Xie Lian's past, right? I don't understand why he hasn't figured that out.

(And another thing--does Hua Cheng even know why Xie Lian got banished the second time? Does he even know that Xie Lian asked for the shackles? Doesn't he want to know everything he possibly can about Xie Lian? If he's unwilling to ask, I'd understand, but again--everyone else's dirty laundry gets out there, but here there's this thing that is so central to Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's relationship, unexplored.)

My problem isn't that Hua Cheng lives and exists for Xie Lian. That's who he is, and I think I wouldn't like or love him as a character if I thought he needed to have more in his life than his single-minded devotion. But single-minded devotion can contain a lot more dimension and conflict than I think ultimately got explored, and there are and some super salient events in his life that are really defining moments. It makes him feel a lot more one-dimensional than I feel like the character is set up to be.

The fic so far honestly gives him a more interesting treatment, imo. He's a lot more tortured about whether to fuck or worship and how to do both, which I guess I'm ultimately saying is what I really want from that character. I find him deeply lovable, interesting, and fascinating, I just didn't think the book really spent time with the most interesting parts of him.

#hua cheng #tgcf

22 notes · View notes

noacfapologyst · 3 days

Text

telltale heart — matty healy. part 2

´part 1´

summary: you and matty have a pending meeting at some awards where you promised to go as a couple. but something goes wrong.

wc: 2,5k

a/n: hey! i'm so sorry for the lateness. a lot has just happened these days but here is the second part. thanks for the love, x.

The weeks between the awards and the proposal to take Matty as your date have been from the moment he left the studio, the only thing you've ever seen going on in your mind.

You haven't been able to sit down and compose peacefully, or be able to just have a conversation without mentioning him without you slipping through your cheeks. Or that he appears in stains on your writing, the references may be exhaustive at some point, but your brain is about to explode just to think that he'll be there for you, and just for you. You wish his hand would occasionally slip into the waist of the dress you will wear and you would use that touch to keep it forever in your memory.

Even in your best dreams you wouldn't have had the courage to ask him to accompany you to prizes like your date, you can actually stand near him without trembling about it by mere chance.

Two weeks before, you go back to the conversation that tortured you several days ago with your team.

"Matty Healy, are you really sure?" Your manager inquires again, you cross your legs again. It's a sequence you've been living since Friday. "It dissolves your image too much in front of his. I don't know if it fits."

"Really, I don't care." You shrug your shoulders with heaviness. Your image is ruined anyway, but you're not going to let them take this off your hands. "Whether i go with someone or not, there is a stir. I was cheated, remember." You point again and you look at your fingernails, you need to finish defining everything now. "I don't care if it ruins my reputation. Matty is my friend, end of discussion, Helen."

Maybe it's the tone of voice or maybe you've just fed everyone up with it but Helen, your manager for years, sighs and nods with discontent. A winning smile sits on your face. You understand the worry in that office really, but you have one more card to play. You don't really care what his image is from doors to the outside because with everyone around him he's never been more than a gentleman and that's the only thing you really stick with when you have to talk about him.

"Plus, we give the media what they want. The antithesis of Sam." Helen decides it's time to let the argument go and even though her face is a weak grin they decide to move on to the other agenda items.

"Have you decided the dress, at least?" Your innocent smile betrays you and you're nowhere near getting a blow to your head.

You run into a bubble of teenage foolishness, she should understand that. But you won't discuss that either because deep down you've let him look distracted.

"I'll see the dress later, I'll let you know which one I choose." You inform her at the end by taking a sip in the cup of coffee. Helen doesn't make any sound anymore, and you know you've officially won.

Stylists really only want to kill you now or throw some fabric over your head. But they are right in their anger, you shouldn't have waited until the last week to choose the dress or gather too many designers in one place without having a very clear idea of fabrics, cuts and necklines. All you know is it has to be red, it can't be any other color under any forecast.

But it's not that you didn't want to choose it, you just couldn't find the right one. Which is kind of a lie.

No one can deny that there is an attraction in you posturally just by seeing you from afar, there is some light in you that stands out without you trying. You know that you're actually beautiful and that you're lucky enough to fit in dresses and that anything would be fine to show off on you. Your face has small freckles and you have good proportions between your nose, your eyes moderately green and almond, and your round lips. Your hips and abdomen are fine although you've never paid too much attention to them, or at least lately. But you know that your figure is imposing and immutable when the line is drawn between your low back and your high back and everything stands out there.

But this is different, it's a dress for and by Matty. It has to be perfect, not close to it. It may be one of the few opportunities you have in your life to receive his look on your body and make you tremble even just by looking at your cheeks. And that's also why the red dress has to be camouflaged on your cheeks.

In the end you find it and you couldn't be happier with the result. Red satin, straps around the back and neckline. When you test it automatically your body functions like a teenager and you start spinning around it without even finishing tying your high heels properly. But as you see yourself spinning in the mirror a smile sits on your face from ear to ear.

"It honestly feels like it was designed for you." After everyone in the room approves it by nodding as they take the measurements for the final adjustments, your image advisor shows up at the door and his confirmation lets you see that you're going to be relevant at the awards and with several glances on it overshadowing several more artists. "You look like the fucking winner."

And that confirms that you've finally found it. And it's perfect.

---

"Hey." Matty's face appears on your computer screen when he calls you on FaceTime. They haven't seen each other in person since the night at the studio, but their contact has been maintained anyway. "How do you feel about the awards?"

"Why the question?" You better place the device on the table and rest the guitar on your legs. You take the opportunity to spend some time watching how the hair on his front move each time he accommodates the camera.

"I wanted to make sure you remembered that we will be the best couple at the awards." Your heart stops for a second. "Believe me when I tell you that Sam is going to vomit with resentment when he sees us." The archness in his voice, the change of tone, the punctuation of the latter. The silly smile and the wink he makes. Too much for three o'clock in the afternoon.

That's when you realize something else. Ever since Matty became your supposed date, you haven't spent a second thinking about your breakup or your ex or who she's going to take. Just now you're rethinking it.

"You still there?" Matty claps his palms and looks at you from the screen with a frown. He doesn't mean it in a blunt way, but he knows how your brain works and he knows you've frozen to yourself.

"Yes, I don't know, I had forgotten he was going to be there." In fact it's a confession would be because it's realistic. You've been in your pink bubble about Matty that you forgot your ex would be there. "I don't wanna see him. I would like he stop exists sometimes." You laugh silly and he gives it back to you with a supportive look.

"It won't bother you, darling. I'll protect you." You feel like you're gonna throw up rainbows for the next five minutes and you don't know exactly what the trigger is. But luckily you can hear George's voice in the background and you know Matty's going to say goodbye. "See you on Friday. I'll get a red bow for the suit."

"That would be fantastic." You wink at him revealing the color of your dress and he smiles waving his hand around the camera as if he were a small child. "Bye bye, Matty."

When you cut off the call you have your head burning up from the amount of information you're processing right now, and then you go back to the first point you noticed today, the initial cause you owe to being able to go with Matty to the awards has stopped crossing your mind the moment this whole plan happened. It's also when you realize how self-destructive it is to have portal notifications on your computer just to keep abreast of public opinion about you.

You shouldn't let it get to you so much, but it actually does. Sam and her, the girl the rumors of your infidelity fed on and then confirmed, holding hands in front of the last bar you and he went to as a couple, two days before the breakup. His hands on his waist, he looks happier than he ever was with you. Smile more, he has a genuine expression in it. She's cute and it hurts you because you thought you were her ideal type and she, ironically, is completely different from you.

Your breath is cut short and you force yourself not to blink so fast and control the splash in your eyes. Yeah, maybe it's been a few months, but you're back in front of that studio and you're back in front of the words that stuck like a dagger in you when he said he didn't really love you and you just bored him. That feeling makes you get carried away and after weeks of holding back you get carried away and you just cry liberating yourself. At some point you let go of a drowned cry when you think about how you imagined a life full of it or at least imagined it would last more than a few months.

In the epitome of your catharsis you stretch between the guitar and the notebook and reveal that not letting yourself feel in its totality is what has not allowed you to put words in a line. And that is now broken from the moment your fingers prick the guitar in a melancholy and sad way, your thoughts fly and stay on the page when you denote the betrayal in your story, the lie and the reality of the facts. As your facet of strength and pretending smile and well-being collapse and leave you reduced to your tear-filled role, your knees on your head and the floor next to the gray armchair.

Maybe one of the best songs of your career. How you died waiting for a sign that never came even if they had sworn you everlasting love. Like you would actually have given up everything to keep it.

Suddenly you calm down just as quickly as you have acquired the previous state, when you manage to breathe properly thinking that Matty said he would be there and accompany you in front of Sam. That he has used the word protect gushes warmth within you, and you know that you can rejoice in the feeling of affection that he inevitably gives you. Therein lies the essence and effect Matty has on you and how important his friendship is to every aspect of your life. He's been there in every stage of your life and he's never stopped accompanying you even when he wasn't at his best.

Then you relax thinking about how lucky you are to be able to take him to those awards regardless of the terms agreed between the two and what the media put on. At the end of the day you'll be going to the awards that you and him have been talked about for thousands of nights being the best choice of both because understanding was never faked and that chemistry is always instantaneous.

When you realize you're tapping the guitar without a predetermined note, it's glimpsed between scratches of melancholy and a pink bubble. But now you're back to your usual thoughts and now you can't stop thinking about Matty dressed in a suit (and looking awesome, by the way) with him basically matching you in his tie.

Since you open your eyes on Friday, the day becomes chaos. Dress test, hair test and make-up test. The walk in heels, the review of the speech. Thinking about what to say about the breakup, that your figure remains dazzling no matter if the person able to disarm you is the one standing next to you. Both for your ex-partner and your date. Then they'll come and tell you about your nomination and how some song will be better than yours. The vicious circle of being an artist.

You wish it was a quick day, but it becomes extremely heavy. You hardly have time to stop for a drink of water and when you realize you are already changed for the event.

You look in the mirror with your stylist and then he starts to take shots while he changes between different angles to have the best pictures. Your hair is semi collected in a braid from behind and only a few waves break off on the wind but it gives the feeling that you have a princess collection and is not in danger of collapse.

Your dress gets all the attention, you look taken off the cover of a magazine. The red satin falls on you adjusting your curves and marking your figure in a rather attractive way to see, the cut on the leg does not take out the dainty of the dress. Your neckline falls on a beak held by a very thin thick straps that connect the dress with the neckline at the back, leaving your back open only with a few straps crossing to your low back.

You're perfect but you can't help but want to bite your nails because you feel there's something still missing even though you're being manic checking your makeup all the time. And if it wasn't because you don't have a second for your stylist to talk to you about important things, you'd have tried to touch up your makeup many more times.

When you get in the limo, you breathe until you calm down, and then you have a millisecond to talk to Matty.

see you, x

hey

we're coming for you soon

You turn off the phone and leave it on the seat when you feel your manager's gaze pointing at you.

"Where's Matty?" You ask after a while starting to listen to your senses that tells you something is wrong. They should have passed Matty's house a few miles ago, and your heart speeds up when you know you are entering the freeway.

Your phone vibrates and lets you see the Brit's messages making you form a thick grimace between your lips. Your brow automatically frowns and you feel your makeup heavy as you read each word carefully and feel like someone is playing a heavy joke on you.

only a thing

if you promise someone a date you have to keep it or at least warn that it's a fucking joke

Your vision becomes blurry for a few moments and you feel your world just stop in front of a polarized window and the body of the seat. You don't want to believe that what your head is thinking is actually what's going on, you can't just go overboard like that. The chances were very slim.

And then, come the words that confirm how you dug your own grave without it being your fault. You feel like someone's slapping you right where it hurts the most.

"Oh yes, about that. Matty isn't a good look for you, so we just got you someone else. You'll thank me later."

actually i think it sucks but will be rewarded in the next part? anyway let me know what you think <333

#matty healy #matty the 1975 #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy fic #the 1975 fic #the 1975 fanfic #matty healy x y/n #matty healy x you #matty healy x oc #matty healy x reader #matty fic #matty healy blurb #telltale heart au

25 notes · View notes

lyon-amore · 2 days

Text

*Attention: This story is inspired by the canon of the game due to the future of the characters and the sequel to the oneshot 'Crossed destinies'.

It couldn't be happening to me. No…

I look at the blue screen of the computer, with a small —or perhaps greater— anxiety of not knowing what to do.

"Come on, react," I comment, pressing all the keys, but I don't dare take out the flash drive or turn it off. “Please don't mess up.”

Luckily, I had called the secretary's office explaining that I had a problem and that they would look for the programming teacher. I lean on the table, biting my nails. A bad habit I've had for years. It's incredible that it has to happen to me, why did it happen? I have done what he told me, what could have been the problem?

I try to type again while following the instructions, but the screen turns blue again.

<<Great, you did a good job, Macie.>>

I jump a little in place when I hear the voice. A familiar voice. I heard it two years ago. I turn around finding a boy with black hair and green eyes.

“It can't be…” I mutter to myself.

“It cannot be what?” he asks me, adjusting his backpack.

I shake my head, trying to come back to earth. Now I was ashamed to speak.

<<Also, renember that you have a boyfriend, silly.>>

Renember? Even my thoughts get nervous without being able to think about the words clearly. I see the boy waiting for me to speak, he even raises an eyebrow, impatient.

"Sorry, I was..." I took a deep breath, pointing to the computer. "I just don't know what happened, it was fine a moment ago and now, poof!" I raise my arms, slapping the sides of my body, nodding with eyes almost full of tears. “Goodbye, computer.”

“Just like that?” He pushes me aside carefully, even with a small sorry.

He start typing. It also gives him an error.

“Just like that,” I cross my arms, watching him.

I bite my lip as I tilt my head, looking at his―

“Alright, I know what happened.”

I react, clearing my throat.

“What happened?”

He steps aside and I approach him. He points to the flash drive connected to the tower.

“Where did you get the flash drive from?”

“A third-grade student gave it to me,” I answer, beginning to think of the worst. “He told me that the teacher needed me to send her some urgent files and since he was busy, if I could do it.”

He makes a sound of agreement but crosses his arms as he puts a hand to his chin.

"Well, I have two news for you: One good and one bad." He looks me directly in the eyes and in part, I feel that it comforts me. "Which one do you want to hear first?"

"The bad one," I answer with fear, "perhaps the good one will relieve me later."

He lets out a laugh that makes me fall in love with it. I hope hr don't notice that I just blushed because I notice heat in my cheeks.

"The bad thing is that they have played the joke that is played on first years—"

"I'm a first year...”

“Oh…” he scratches the back of his neck, nervous. “Well, officially welcome to the university.”

“Thank you…” I bow my head, with a little discomfort.

I didn't think this happened at this university, I thought it was prestigious, that's why I didn't choose to study outside the country.

“Although it was supposed to be already prohibited since it can generate a high cost in repairing these computers.”

“Oh yeah?” I look at him with curiosity at his words.

“Each class had a flash drive like these to scare the first years, they gave it to the second years to continue the tradition,” he leans on the table, explaining it. “But seeing that each time the “virus”” he makes quotes with his hands “was much more dangerous, they banned it.”

So a virus to scare the new ones. Well, it's not even a bit funny, I've found myself having to ask my parents for money and it's enough that they pay for my apartment because I wanted to live alone. At least until I find a job.

I try to calm down, there is supposed to be a good part of all this.

“Okay, and the good news?”

The boy turns the backpack around and takes out a flash drive from one of the pockets.

“I am the one they call when this happens,” I notice pride in his voice when he says it.

“Or maybe you're the one who made these flash drives that make computers explode.”

“No, it is not my style, I prefer to be more stealthy.”

I let out a laugh, remembering his entrance. I didn't even notice him when he arrived. He turns around and places the flash drive in the other USB connection. He sits in the chair and begins to work. I sit at the desk, watching him work. I try to place my skirt better so that my legs can't be seen, I don't want to distract him.

<<Or do I? Wait, what am I thinking? Ugh… Calm down, you don't even know if he's dating anyone, it's weird that you're at the same university. Don't do this to Klaus, he's a good boy.>>

“Leave.”

“What?” I wake up from my thoughts. Looking at him confused.

"You can leave if you want, it is just fixing it."

"I won't stay calm until I see it fixed." I see him leaning on the table, looking at me, raising his eyebrows as if he were saying, 'Don't you trust me?'. “It's just that I've gotten nervous and I need to see that it's fixed, and also return the flash drive to that guy and tell him that his joke almost cost me a foot in the grave.”

He lets out a kind of laugh —I think—, as if my expression had amused him. I don't see him looking at me even once, so he's not that type of guy... I like him. With a smile, I get off the table. It is approved. He's not a pervert... For now...

I sit in the chair next to him, watching him work. I may know how to type quickly, but he doesn't seem to even touch the keys. I stare at his hands. His fingers are long. Again, another heat wave. I shake my head, trying to shake these thoughts away. I just didn't believe I would see him here. What were the chances of finding him again?

“It will be fine, do not worry,” he says with a smile without looking away from the screen.

"It's not..." I bite my tongue, it's better if I don't say anything. "Yes, I'm worried, too worried."

“Well, do not worry, that is why I am here.” He looks at me and winks.

I roll my yes. He thinks he's good with his skills, huh?

“Do you do this thing of fixing the computer of newbies who play pranks?” I ask, resting my chin on my hand.

"No, it is been about two years since I fixed one," he answers, giving me a quick look. “I am surprised that flash drives are still in circulation, they are supposed to get rid of them.”

"Well, someone didn't do it in my career."

“What do you study?”

“Journalism.”

“I understand then,” I blink, confuse. “There is a promotion to get a future position in the news 'The Vigilant’', so everyone is wanting to be on the lists.”

“And how do you know that?” I tilt my head, curious “Do you also study journalism?”

He shakes his head, sighing a little heavier.

"No, my..." I see that he bites his lips, is he hesitating? "My girlfriend studies journalism."

"Oh..." well, it's a way to find out that we're both caught and that I don't have to make mental scenes. I have too many The Vampire Diaries in my head. “And you study programming,” I point to the computer.

"If you say it because of how to use the computer, that's because I have known how to use it since I was a kid." I see how his eyes shine when he pronounces those words. It's almost as if he has transported him to another time.

I smile as I think it's adorable. If he don't study something he already know, it must be so he don't get bored in class. But if he have chosen something that has nothing to do with his specialty, that is either because he like to learn or because he have something else that he like. At least I think someone like him would choose something he likes so as not to spend years bored at university.

Hearing the notification sound from my phone, I raise my hand in apology for stopping the conversation. A smile appears on my face. ---------------------------------------------------------

Klaus Macie, this weekend there is a party at a friend's house, are you in? 😉 ---------------------------------------------------------

I smile looking at the mobile screen. Klaus is a good boy and my first boyfriend. The truth is that he behaves well with me and has a fun side. Although maybe that's why I hang out with him, because my cousin chose him as a friend. So that means he's not a bad guy. Although it's not what I've been dreaming of for two years, but... It's nice to be with him. But we almost never get to see each other.

“It seems like you are better,” I hear the boy say and I look up from my phone.

“Oh, my boyfriend just sent me a message,” I respond with a happy tone. “We barely get to see each other because he lives a couple of hours away from the city, so it's nice when he remembers me for little things.”

“Oh, a long-distance relationship?” He raised an eyebrow at her question. Was the tone of annoyance?

“Yes, is there something wrong?”

He sigh and continue.

“Well, I do not think those kinds of relationships work.”

I let out a heavy air, along with a somewhat annoying laugh. What does this boy have to say about my life? I already found something wrong with him.

"Sorry, but a long-distance relationship is very romantic." I cross my arms, leaning back in the chair. “then the reunion is magical.” I don't even know why I get angry, if I only said that it is a few hours from the city, it's not like Klaus lives outside the country.

“Until one of the people in the couple doubts you or is constantly wanting to know who you are with,” I notice an annoyed tone. Is he saying it because of his girlfriend or because of a previous experience?

“Have you already been through that?” I ask without realizing that maybe I shouldn't have.

He shoots me a look, though it's not like he's angry. He seems rather tired.

“You really like to talk,” he sighs and returns to the computer.

"If you want, I'll start talking to the chair," I point my head at his seat and I see him smile as he shakes his head. "You're the only one in this room I can talk to."

I see the computer turn off and I open my eyes suddenly. He wasn't going to fix it? I shout alerting him to what he's doing, thinking it's another prank by the college veterans. I'm sure he played it on me.

The boy looks at me and points at the screen, so that I can pay attention and stop screaming like a crazy woman —because I look like that— and I see that in reality... It restarts. I let out a sigh, relieved.

“You could have warned me,” I hit him on the arm, angry.

“It was more fun to see your reaction,” I blush, embarrassed by his stupid smile now. Okay, he's good with computers, I admit it. “And yes.”

“Yes what?” I look at him confuse at his words.

"Yes, I have been through that," he shrugs, "or well... I am going through it."

I bite my lip, a little uncomfortable. Maybe we shouldn't have talked about it, but...

“Then she is not the right person if she doubts you,” I answer directly.

"Oh, it's not because I hesitate, it's..." he looks concentrated at the screen, arms crossed. “Let me say it is because of her, she has been through terrible things and I am here to support her in whatever she needs.”

I do something that I haven't done in a long time: I analyze him. I try to guess his expression, what does he mean, is he really comfortable with that relationship? But... His words have been very tender. That girl is lucky to have a boyfriend like him, I hope she's not beating him up too much with her jealousy or whatever.

"Well, at least it's confirmed that you're trustworthy." I smile mischievously and he looks at me, raising an eyebrow, confused. “Your girlfriend can rest assured that you have not cheated on her.”

"Wait, all this time you thought I was trying to hit on you?" ‘Trying to hit on me'? Is that still said today?

I let out a small laugh at his words. He is cute.

"I do not know what kind of men you have encountered, but you have offended me, I have only come to fix the computer." I see him typing on the screen again, angry.

"Believe me, you've left me with a good impression, Mr. Computer technician." I lean on the table, smiling at him.

He looks at me surreptitiously and I see that... Is he blushing? I don't think he's used to compliments.

He finish typing and restart the computer. This time I stay quiet waiting while I bite my nails.

“You are going to get hurt,” I hear him tell me and I lower my hand slowly, embarrassed by my attitude. “Look, I already fix it.”

The computer turns on again, along with the files that were on the screen. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"I admit it, you're good," I smile, getting a little closer to him to see the screen better. “If I have a problem with my computer, can I call you?” I look at him and see that he has been looking at me “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am fine,” he answers and gets up from the chair. I do the same and he takes out the flash drive, extending his hand to me, as if he were putting distance between the two of them. “Here, try not to get into a fight with the boy.”

“Oh, don't worry, I'm just going to hide his body in the next lake I find,” I reply seriously and he laughs.

I also extend my hand and he puts the flash drive in my hand. I try to calm down when I notice his hand, I don't want to think that he did it on purpose, but it was because of the speed of wanting to give it to me and that's why it touched me. I try to distract myself by keeping my eyes on the small object, looking away. I'm sure he can tell I'm red too. He must think I'm like a teenage watching her favorite actor. I turn the small object in my hand. And I don't think I can erase my stupid smile. I’m happy to have seen him again. I thought I would never do it and I still don't know what his name is. Maybe I can ask him now what I couldn't do two years ago.

"Hey, what is your—" I look up and see that he's gone.

I turn around and see him walking out the door. Has he left without saying goodbye? But why is he so rude? Or... Maybe he didn't like me...

“Again, without knowing his name,” I whisper to myself, squeezing my hand tightly on the flash drive.

Lian walks through the door, with a smile.

“Who is the guy who just left here?!” She asks, approaching me, excited.

“Just someone who has helped me,” I grab my things and put my bag on my shoulder, while my jacket is in my hand.

“And he has a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Married?” I shake my head and she laughs. “At least he admits that he was prettier than Klaus.”

I kept thinking about the boy and his words towards his girlfriend. I found him two years later. But I want him to be happy. I won't get involved in his life, in fact, I'm glad he found someone and he cares about her.

"Hey Lian, shall we go to the cafeteria in the student area?" I ask to change the subject.

“Sure, I'd like to have a strong one.”

I set up the chairs and turn off the computer, feeling a little homesick at the moment.

In the end, I will keep this reunion and the first one deep in my heart. And the last thing I want to do is get into a relationship when I'm also dating someone.

I hope we are both happy with our respective partners, Mr. Computer technician.

#duskwood #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood game #everbyte game #everbyte studio #duskwood fandom #duskwood oneshot #duskwood fanfic #oneshot #fanfic

17 notes · View notes

zalrb · 2 days

Note

If stelena were a couple during the stefan human storyline - when he wanted to leave so he could atone, so Carolines life could be better - how do you think Elena would have reacted?

Caroline was pissed and you said it felt like she didn't understand the man she was in love with.

Right because of the tone

When Stefan is human and decides that he wants to leave so he can atone, so her life can be better, Caroline is pissed, she’s all but I’ve stood by you through everything, this is bullshit

and again, her being indignant is valid and obviously she knows why he’s doing it, but the tone and Candice’s read on the whole thing and the “how dare you do this to me” quality of the conversation also feels like Caroline not understanding just who she’s engaged to.

Elena calls Stefan out in 1x10 where she’s like, don’t act as if you’re doing for this for me when I’m not the one who wants this

but she’s not berating him, she’s being vulnerable which then emphasizes his vulnerability, emphasizes what he’s wrestling with, emphasizes how deeply he feels things

So effectively, my point is that Elena’s reactions to Stefan’s actions amp up Stefan’s romance and compassion and intimacy and intensity because the show let’s it breathe, let’s us revel in it, let’s us really see it.

So, if it were Stelena, I just think the entire conversation would go differently.

One very real possibility is that he would inspire Elena to seek her own type of atonement because she has her own past and has done things she isn't proud of

she killed thousands of vampires by killing Kol

and the show never really has her reckon with any of that so they could have a conversation where he's like Elena, you have to live your life, you can't put it on pause for me and she'll have her minor monologue about her own need for redemption and her own need for soul-searching

I think it would also make sense that Elena would already know that that's what Stefan is going to do and her basically being Meredith when Derek chooses Addison

Another possibility is another iteration of the conversations we've already seen with Stelena. Like, think of their angsty "I need to go/I need to give you space/I need to leave you" conversations, they look like this

so this energy combined with Elena being like, Stefan I know who you are, I know every side of you

and I've never stopped loving you. I have always loved you.

How could you say that you're doing this for me after everything we've been through? If you feel like you need to go because it's something you need to do, I'm not going to stand in the way of your choice but don't say you're leaving for me. I've never wanted you to leave. This is something for you.

If you want them to have an argument or if you want Elena to be upset, it would be the same conversation except it would be, "So, you're just going to do what you always do? Leave. Try to make me hate you, tell yourself you're doing this for me so it's easier?"

"I am doing this for you. It's not fair to you. I'm figuring out who I am now, figuring out how to help people I've hurt--"

"And I'll be there for you like you've been there for me. Why wouldn't you think I'd want to be here, Stefan?"

It's all right there.

#stelena

17 notes · View notes