The night goes on. We don't directly cross paths again until much later. I end up bouncing between the dames and Migue. Surely enough, you and your friends, our mutual conocidos, are wedged between the two. Our eyes lock maybe once or twice, but I am too focused on the people present in front of me. Finally, time is up, the party in the tent is over, and it's time for those of us who want to continue the celebration to head over to the nightclub. You and your friends form part of that bunch. We end up in opposite parts of the club. I have to pass you several times to go to the bathroom. On my last way back to my friends, there's no avoiding you. I'm pushing my way through the crowd. The only feasible way out is passing directly by your side. You see me coming your way, and you gaze upon me longingly, lovingly. The way you would have looked at me a year ago to date. I make my way through the crowd, my left hand guiding me through the masses for balance whilst my right hand remained relaxed at my side. I am passing you face to face, but I can't hold your gaze, so I looked down the moment I find myself directly in front of you. Our hands touch, the slightest grasp is made between our index and middle fingers. I don't stop moving, I don't look up. I feel my heart in my throat as I continue to move through the crowd. You hold your gaze on me until I'm no longer in reach, I carry on as if I wasn't burning inside from that almost interaction. Cut to closing time, we all make our way out of the club. A new friend pulls me aside before the rest of our group makes their way out, to have a cigarette. Soon, we are all out en masse, not quite ready to make our way home. You smoke a cigarette, something you've never done in front of me before. I remember your shock when you saw me smoke one in front of you for the first time after a long night of drinking. I'm sure my look of surprise was palpable. You hold my gaze with intensity. I'm sure at this point, my anguish is obvious. All of my feelings come flooding back. Our eyes remain locked as you begin to come my way. Suddenly, a mutual friend, blind drunk, shatters the moment by stepping into our line of vision and throwing an arm around me. You went from looking determined to forlorn. You turn away, the moment is lost. I'm crushed. What were you going to say to me? The infinite possibilities, both good and bad, flood my mind. I want to cry, of course I don't. I explain to my friend what had been transpiring, he apologizes and removes himself, but it's too late, the moment is already lost. There was almost one other opportune moment, but again, it was interrupted. You eventually leave. I watch the sunrise with my friends before heading home. My mind has not had a moment of peace since.
how lucky we are that, even crushed under the weight of sadness & grief, we are capable of giving love and joy to other people, and they are often more than happy to give some back.
[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
artists, please block liberally. you don't have to put up with people being rude or overfamiliar or inappropriate or otherwise weird in the comments of your art, block anyone who even mildly annoys you
Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...
You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.
And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?
(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)
Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?
You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.
You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.
thing about sunny is when you take the stuff they do for each other seriously you start seeing how much they truly care about eachother, they would die and kill for one another, they all have some appalling codependency problems but at the core of it it's all love and care, and i'm enamoured by it bc it shows that you don't have to be perfect or beautiful or have your life all sorted out for someone to care about you, or to take care of someone.
it's like. you see this gang of assholes shunned by society who barely know how to stay afloat and who seemingly hate each other but when you look through the façade you realize there's some deeply fanfic trope level love behaviours in there and you go oh so it doesn't have to be perfect, I don't need to make my life the perfect scenario, to construct beautiful aesthetics or thought out meet-cutes, it's all in the grit of real life. sometimes you spend your days fighting with your best friend but he still peels apples for you and makes you tea, sometimes he offhandedly encourages you to keep trying to read and you don't even have to acknowledge it, but it's there! it's not always the focus point, almost never is, actually, but at the core of it all, it's always present.
I feel like the kids in st would have simple small answers for “what do you want to do in the future” bc subconsciously or not they don’t think they’ll survive, I think Lucas would answer and say oh I want to be a camp counselor one summer and his dad is like….I meant a job son
what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.
or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!
and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes
and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you
finally got (almost) all my dolls displayed! i found the shelf while cleaning and it isn’t ideal but it will work for now. all of the dolls besides generation 3 are my dolls from childhood