#i dont!!! undertsand holy shit im like

[kidfoundonstreets]

okay so sorry for the huge (huge) paragraph im suffering and not proof reaidng it its pure nonsense enjoy

ill try my best since im stopping here where lime is talking about hnasel and gretel since i dont want to get in trouble cuz my dumbass needs to go to bed but goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. this game this fyucking game. its. so good. please know i was making embarrassing noises every second playing this. i am so happy nobody heard me on call the parallel between ashe and noel and the connection between wilardo and ashe,, woo i undertsand now wil///ahshe and that one interaciton man. holy shit. when ashe was on the floor speaking to wilardo, talking to him about how it isnt so different and about all of these things and just. it really shows the key thing on where they differ in the options they choose., jghjkhgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjkhfjkhim sorry my thoughts are brain jello but. when ashe was dying and he just said “its my fault im sorry” (this is when i started crying by the way) he blamed himself even losing consciousness. did he think that was it?? or was it just more self regret and guilt. ashe isnt really like this. try as he might to be the demon he wants to be and stuff down his feelings, the fact he wants his wish so bad is human. the fact he wants to see his family again or to turn back time is absolutely human. of course he is a demon in a way, he’s done so much bad stuff especially in all of the other scenarios, but down there is still that same ashe that just wants things back to the way they were. wilardo has spent so, so long within these 500 years and he’s been through some shit for it. he’s gone through rejection and painful attacks just for saying it. but he still justhjkhgkjhdfgfdgd he feels so much and it really shows i dont know i dont know i just think they. and wilardo deicding to be a good person. ashe deciding to throw away his heart for another heart. hlghflhhahahghjhghhg noel being too ideal ashe being too dark its so. i . ghahhghlhhth hahaha devil angle ...................... i cant anymore just. this game is so good at making up the dynamics and reaosns behind what people do that make them so human. not to mention the art. it just. i know im using a lot of periods right now but im  and. sirius hesitating to kill ahse because depsite him convinced hes a demon, hes just like nicholas who killed lady dorothy, he could because of emotion and i nkjhkghkwr I FIND THAT SO POWERFUL IM SO </3 </3 im not okay it was just a slight bit a slight bit of time with ashe and his stupid drunk self but it led sirius to letting him go. sirius considered killing a person. but he didnt, because he still felt emotion. gooddd and the way he went so far for claire dont even get me started. “ill be mad if you die after all this” something along the lines of that they are such siblings <3 he shows affection and softness in the most cold way ever,, the build up and tension used well when sirius hit that chair over ashes head. i was stimming so so so so SO hard i jsutkjrhfgisrhgiwueh YES KING GO!! IZ USES EXPRESSIONS SO WELL and the flashbacks with it too i cant fuckignfrgjrwkgwekijrwe take this anymore man noel *handshake* sirius = ashe is nicholas real!??!?!?!?!  claire doodling patirica and stuff is eveyrhting to me..............im a bit sad she was pushed aside but im never getting over how sirius protected her so much and how wilwardo was moved by that even if it did seem like it wanst the best decision in some eyes he strill chose to be a good person he chose the easiest one for him he did it with the mindset that just because he was taken from doesnt mean he can take from othjers and thats so sappy but wilardo please. please i love you and how ashe was compeltley off the rails. it looked like he had completely lost it. maybe he hadf you know but the talk he had with wilardo before passing out (im shocked hes not dead,,) just stays in my head,, i dont know if he’ll ever recover after this but at the same time maybe it was needed WILARDO SMILE WIALRDO SMILE HOLY SHIT. HE WAS STURGLGING BUT. BUT BUT. I HGFHGHHFDGIHSDIUGFWHERHQEOIR3H23985R09832HGE90FR23HFTROWEHF039QWHRF9032HFR3290HFR9203HR0923HF39I charlotte and lime too,, i dont know how to feel about lime. im very complicated on her. i know shes plotting no good and it really really pisses me off, but at the same time i love her design her personality and her backstory just. the shit she does.. and charlotte lets her. charlotte acts a lot more laid back,, but she has just as much issues as lime does. but im sure she’ll have some sort of role in a scenario later on noel. god. noel. i dont know his wish. but the fact hes staying behind breaks my heart. the fact that deep down he knew ashe had a point but at the same time. the fact that he got so nervous he right away began transofmring. hgjkjkhgikh.nhreikhrr.,g,hgjgdfghrgr.gwre. hes such. a fucking coward. noels a coward. hes a coward but hes so strong. hes so fragile hes so. i  he cares about people and feels so much about people but the way he nevger killed anybody. he was just so scared of e veyrhting. the biggest thing becoming like his father. he trusts that people cant be a bad person like claire............ theyr ejust. NOEL YOURE AN IDIOT SANDWICH seeing him watch them go broke my heart. he was only relieved that they were saved and wondered he didnt do it earlier,,,,,,,,, heju8tjhhjhlkjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant do this anymore at least wilardos cooking is good. hes such a nerd lol

#kid's heart

[okcoolthanks]

I got mad and sad so I wrote some vent (amougus) (jk sorry) post and I know they won’t fucking see it but fuck if I wanted to say it

g and m are people but I don’t want to say their names because idk

If you don’t want to read it you don’t have to it’s under the cut if you really really want to I got really mad and just typed it so most of it won’t make sense

Hey can I just say that using therapy speech doesn’t automatically make you in the right I don’t ducking care if your depressed and go to therapy you can’t fucking tell me that I shouldn’t be upset from having a panic attack and feeling left out for multiple days while im crying talking to you because im slurring my words and I can’t breath around my own sobs

Like I get that I knew that I might be triggered because whooaaahh substance abuse, but 1 why would you do fucking DRUGS on a holiday where there’s a fuck ton of KIDS around and 2 maybe I just thought it was fine! I hadn’t been around something like that in years i thought it was fine and it wasn’t and because im fuckinf terrified of ruining everyone’s good time I didn’t say anything when I started fucking sobbing but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be heard!!!!!!!! And last but definitely not least 3 YOU FUCKING KNEW THAT I DONT UNDERTSAND SITUATIONS WELL. MAYBE TELLING ME THROUGH CLUES THAT YOUR UPSET AND SHIT DIDNT PASS THROUGH MY FUCKING THICK SKULL, ALL OF YOU WERE THERE WHEN I GOT MY AUTISM DIAGNOSIS, FUCKING m ALSO HAS IT SO ITS NOT LIKE YOU DIDNT KNOW JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

I ducking understand that I was in the wrong to be upset about some things but holy ducking shit you can’t say that I’m the bad guy because your using therapy speech and if someone has a mental illness that they should shut up and fix it before making ANY friends when mental illnesses are a fuck ton more complicated than that which you’d think they’d KNOW because YOU ALL HAVE SOME SORT OF THAT

But NO. IM the fucking asshole for every fucking thing that went wrong and now I have to change how I walk to classes and I skip my favorite fucking class ever ESPECIALLY when it’s cold and raining outside because I’d GENUINELY RATHER FREEZE TO DEATH THAN BE IN A ROOM WITH ANY OF YOU FUCKERS AGAIN

Hell if you didn’t fucking want me around you should’ve fucking told me!!!!! I wouldn’t have come back!!! I wouldn’t have had lunch with you every day! I wouldn’t have made everyone little things I thought you’d like and I wouldn’t have tried to remember your birthdays and I wouldn’t have had hope for my future

If you were FUCKING uncomfortable with me around after I asked you out g I wouldn’t have gone around you!!! I checked in so much asking if it was still ok that I was around, I CONSTANTLY asked if it was ok that I was around you can’t fucking say “communications important!��� And then not fucking communicate in a way that I understand!!!!!

I’m SORRY I’m a bad person but fuck man it’s not like I wasn’t TRYING

#I knew them for half a fucking year!!!!!!! #I take time to warm up to people and I was finally starting conversation by myself to others!!!! #I’m sorry I was selfish for so many fucking years I was trying to accommodate other people and fuck it man #I missed having friends and I felt amazing being around all of you and I didn’t have anything else except you and now your gone and #I can’t even walk past you without feeling like I’m gonna cry and it’s been months #this started at the fucking dance I was sitting outside and it was at about the two hour mark that I started crying and I knew I fucking #I literally thought “it’s over oh my god I’m gonna go back i can’t go back I can’t” but I did and all you had to fucking #say about any of that situation was “oh I’m sorry I didn’t have my phone :( why didn’t you apologize for being mad at me because #I ignored you for three hours at a social situation with half the school in one spot?“ #I dressed up for it too I was so proud of my outfit #I didn’t even want to go I just couldn’t be dropped off for the thing afterwards at fucking 11 pm #and goddammit I just wanted to hang out with my friends is that so much of a fucking crime #fuck man sorry this is a lot I put on the internet I need to fucking sleep bye

[agayhurricane]

//////

#SOMEONE MAKE ME SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUUUP OH MY GOOOOOD #THIS IS NOT!!!!! FUNNY!!!!!! ANYMORE!!!!!!!111 #i feel like ive been possessed by my 2017 self just #oh god #2017 was a good year for everything else but mentally??? definitely not LMAO FUCKIN #it started off with a s****** attempt so hah. wack. #but everything else literally e x c e l l e n t u u u u u g h #i dont!!! undertsand holy shit im like #kjdghkjh #reexperiencing that somehow jfhgkjdhgk #idk!! wack!!! maybe its bc 2018 and 2019 were the times i felt really out o f touch with myself and now im like #catching back u p to my natural habitat dfkjhgkjdh #of being #a fuckin mess and a half #but a stable mess and not like whatever the fuck it was t the start of 2017 #with that being said im just whooo #w h o o o oo w e e e #physically i am #very lethargic and the weather is definitely not helping im fucking soosososoosooo lazy but my brain is #constantly going at a hundred miles and hour on the daily #on the r e g u l a r #and its so much thoughts that it just has to come out my mouth sometimes yknow!!!!!!!!!! #alas my friends are only willing to put up with so much kdfghkjg i feel terrible for subjecting them to this bc i know!! im!!! #tiring to be around but hgghhghh i just feel like im gonna explode constantly im literally so so so sorry jhfkjhfhj #ahhhh GOD I WANT TO WRITE A FIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! #read between the tags

[tylerwritez]

Monday June 28

Morning update:

Oh my god.

I was packing my stuff for the big move after my parents divorce and I found an old prayer thingy.

It said:

"Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the music and the trees and my friends and family, and for the time to really look around the world with colorful skies that are so beautiful, the whole world is beautful and in balance and natural and that is how I'm gonna be. I dont want this to be a temporary, spur of the moment thing. I understand now. I realize that it's not the world that's ugly, but the sin that plagues it. I understand what He wants now. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know I'll go to hell no matter what I do but I might as well try to live a holy life.

I understand.

But then, why all these STRONG feeling? Please, you gotta help me through that.

He made us to serve him. I understand that. Give me the strength to serve you, please. I'm so weak.

Sincerely,

Jude"

I felt so angry cos of it. Once I saw all that shit about "serving Him" I immediately ripped it up in RAGE, just blind rage.

I was just a fuCKING CHILD. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME???

8:50 p.m. update: HOLY SHIT OUCH ON MY WAY HOME I HIT A SIGNPOST COS I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION AND IT RAMMED THE HANDLEBAR OF MY BIKE RIGHT INTO MY DICK JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS GODDAMN

12:38 a.m. update:

Okay so you maybe noticed that today's entries arent really organized and that's cos I've been BUSYyyy

I'm gonna add Litten the pokemon to my kinlist also Piplup

Anyways today I went out with my friends. My dad was mad at me cos my room was all messy cos I'M PACKING MY STUFF TO MOVE?? idk what he expected my room to look like. So anwyays I left the house, me and Erin and Elle, who I'll now be calling Eden because its weird to keep using Elle for reaosns I wont describe...me and Erin and Elle went to the library and I checked out some mangas. I checked out volumes 1-2 of , , and volume 1 of

Then we went to Safeway cos it was too hot to be outside and it was another place with free A/C that was nearby. I stole some Stevia and probably other stuff that I can't recall right now.

We ate sugar cookies (those nice crumbly processed ones with icing on top) at the park, then I went home for supper.

After that i met them at the park and we biked to this Ravine area with like trees and water and a bridge and shit and we were looking for Hagstones which are rocks in the water that get holes worn into them. It's for protection from Jordan's hexes.

We found loads of nasty bugs... but no hagstones. Also the thornbushes scratched up my legs, the bugs bit me up, and the water was sorta nasty and I went on hands and knees in it looking for those rocks XD.

I had fun but it was quite uncomfortable with all the HEAT and bugs.

I got home then and idk not much happened.

I've been eating fruit instead of my usual snack foods and i think its helpful.

1:06 a.m. update:

... I feel like I'm going to cry.

I saw a post about families and now I'm upset because I... I see this shit and I feel like I'm 10 or younger even... all over again. It all comes back to me. The reason I cry at night so often... the reaosn I cant tell reality from shit my brain made up. The reaosn i need therapy and the reason i feel so TORTURED AND IN PAIN...

All I ever needed as a child was love and support and I didnt fucking get that so now any posts about happy families make me feel sad. Especially if they have a kid who is "difficult" in some way... like how I was... who still gets treated well.

Fuck man. I wasnt difficult, I had emotions. I wasnt difficult, I needed extra help. I wasnt difficult, I was trans.

I WASNT DIFFICULT... I DIDNT DESERVE TO BE ABANDONED THE WAY I WAS. holy shit. I was just a child like any other. Literally all I needed was love and support.

Fuck my parents. Now I feel like I've missed out on like... a whole childhood... as myself. Instead I spent it being who you wanted me to be to avoid your wrath.

I'm so sad.

And its cos you saw a fucking child telling you he was in pain and punished him.

I was so young.

Jay keeps misgendering me... he just referred to me as my father's daughter. OH MY GOD... I GET IT! I UNDERSTAND! I GET IT. I DON'T PASS. I GET IT, I LOOK LIKE A GIRL... I GET IT, YOU'VE SEEN ME NAKED. I UNDERSTAND.... I understand that your mind doesn't see me as male... but please. PleAse make some fucking effort. please. cos it actually hurts me to be misgendered cis people could never understand. Fuck man, cis people could never undertsand the shit we go through and I feel upset now because no matter how well intentioned he is... he just doesnt seem to Get It.... or like..I DONT KNOW! IS HE EVEN TRYING?

Like. No matter what I look like, I'm still a guy. I'm no ones daughter.

Sorry. I know I'm being rude about this and I should have more patience.

I'm just sort of upset. Why can't he see me?

Fuck man, NOBODY can see me. I'll never be seen. Cos this isn't fucking me but it never will be.

I hate this. So much. I want to RIP OFF ALL MY FLESH. WHY HAVE I GOTTA BE BORN THIS WAY HOLY FUCK HOLY SHIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL GODDAMN IT I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS FUCK GOD I HATE GOD FUCK GOD ILL KILL GOD IF I EVER FLOAT UP TO HEAVEN IM GOING TO LITERSLLY FUCKING KILL GOD ILL CLAW MY WAY UP FROM HELL TO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR DOING THIS TO ME

LIKE HOLY SHIT MY CHEST??? HAS JUST GOT THIS STUFF ON IT AND ITS MAKINF ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE I WANT TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MY OWN SELF.

3:30 a.m. update:

Oh btw one of my friends says their friend had a crush on me in junior high 👀

Idk man its fukcing 3 30 I'm just on my phone. Soon l get off, piss and sleep.

Total calorie intake today was 979 cals.

Goodnight

#JudeJournals

[barbiebambi]

EVERYTHING I GOTTA SAY ABOUT SPIDER-MAN HOMECOMING

- CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT PETER PARKER VLOGGING? AND VIDEOING EVERYTHING??? GOSH. SHE SUCH A ??? KID?? TEENANGER? I LOVE HIM. I LOVED THAT SCENE THAT IT I MUST PROTECT HIM

- IRON MAN BEING THE FATHERLY FIGURE FOR PETER. GOSH FEELS. 

- PETER TEXTING/CALLING HAPPY EVERYTHING HE DOSE.

-CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PETER BULLIED.

-HOLLYWOOD NEVER HAD CHUBBY SIDEKICKS TO 10/10 ON NED.

-NED IS AMAZING AND HES THE BEST FRIEND EVERYONE DESERVES.

- WHY IS AUNT MAY SO YOUNG

- AUNT MAY HAS THE BEST FASHION SENSE ON EARTH. CAN I HAVE HER CLOSET????

-SOOOOO MUCH DIVERSITY. ABOUT TIME MARVEL/HOLLYWOOD. 

- HOLY SMOKES SHIRTLESS PETER PARKER YES BABE I LIKE. 

- INTERRACIAL COUPLE. OH MY GOD. YES 1000000000 TIMES YES. AND HIS DAUGHTER WAS A BEAUTIFUL DARK SKINNED LADY. YESSSSSSS. IM LIVING FOR THIS.

-ALSO WTF. THE VULTURES DAUGHTER WAS PETERS LOVE INTREST o_o IM SHOOK. WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT. 

- I LOVED LIZ. I LOVED THAT SHE LIKED PETER WITH OUT KNOWING HE WAS SPIDERMAN??

- A GIRL ASKED A GUY TO HOMECOMING. UMMM YES. GOOD JOB LIZ LOVE U.

- OK BUT THEY MADE LIZ POPULAR AND SMART AND BEAUTUIFUL ? GOOD JOB MORE MOVIES LIKE DIS. 

- CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SCARED PETER WAS WHEN HE FOUND OUT LIZ DAD WAS THE BAD GUY CAUSE SAME

-PETER IN THE CAR WITH LIZ AND VULTURE

- IRON MAN CHEEKING IN ON PETER IS EVERYTHING FOR ME

- CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN PETER WAS SAVING PEOPLE FROM THE ELEVATOR AND HE SAVED LIZ ND I LEGIT THOUGH THEY WERE GONNA PULL A GWEN STACY AND HAVE THIS GIRL DIEEE. LIKE MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT.

-WHY DID LIZ HAVE TO MOVE. I WANTED THIS RELATIONSHIP. I SHIT THEM PLEASE PLEASE LET HER BE PETERS LOVE INTREST.

-AUNT MAY FOUND OUT PETER IS SPIDERMAN

-CAN WE TALK ABOUT CAPTAIN AMERICA

-ALSO PEPPPPER PEPPPERPOOOOOTS CAME BACK AND YALL DONT UNDERTSAND HOW HAPPY IAM.

-THE RING FROM 2008. OH MY GOSH. FEELS

-PEPPERPOTS CAME BACK FOR 5 SECONDS AND IM REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

-STILL NOT OVER PEPPER COMING BACK MY DEAR PEPPER IV MISSSED U SOOOOO MUCH.

-VULTURE DIDNT RELEAVE WHO SPIDEY WAS. YAY. I HAVE HOPE FOR HIM

- HONESTLY I REALLY HATED ZENADAYAS CHARACTER. IM NOT SURE WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO DO? BITCHY/SMART ANTI SOCIAL GIRL??? I DONT LIKE HER DONT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING. THIS CHARECTER NEEEEEEDZ TO GO. 

#spider-man: homecoming #tom holland #pepper potts #tony stark #spiderman #onlybarbiemknows #IRONMAN #MARVEL #SONY #DISNEY