#i dont care if my work is late as long as i get it in at some point

[robynrocksforbrains]

Mike Wheeler is important and there's nothing wrong with analyzing him

Since y'all wanna be insufferable bitches about it I'm gonna explain to you why he's important, why Will loves him, why his struggles should be acknowledged, and why his character depth is pivotal to byler endgame being a satisfying conclusion for both Mike AND Will. Deal with it!

We are not seeing smoke where there isn't a flame. We are seeing smoke where there is a literal fucking forest fire.

Starting off with something a lot of people aren't ready for but I've seen more people talking about: Mike is the main character of s1 at the very least. He is the character that brings us into the world of stranger things. He is the character that the writers chose for this. Mike is the main character of s1 and it was an instant hit. The writers love Mike. Contrary to popular belief, giving a character an arc where they are struggling and their behavior changes from what is normal for the character we know and love does NOT mean the writers hate that character. It means they deliberately chose to give that character complexity and depth. Your inability to like characters that do anything wrong ever is not the fault of the writers. Your decision to act as if a character is not important is not reflective of the actual narrative because it in fact is in direct opposition to the narrative. So just to be clear, if you genuinely believe that Mike isn't important, or that the writers hate him, or don't care about him, or that his story "takes away" from any other character's - ESPECIALLY WILL'S - you are simply wrong.

In s1 and s2 Mike is established as an extremely caring person. He's loving, loyal, brave, intelligent, and trying his best. He is also established to be hot headed, someone who speaks without thinking quite often, someone who is capable of hurting his friends despite that being the last thing he wants to do. He is all of these things and more. He is a human. He is a kid. So in s3, when suddenly he is entirely different, it is completely logical to assume that there is a reason for that. He did not just wake up one day and decide he wanted to be an asshole, push Will away, make his friends feel abandoned, and echo the same sentiments their bullies held. Something is happening with him. He has so much going on in his head and it is painfully obvious. He's holding something in, he's hiding from everyone and from himself. We see glimpses of what he's trying to hide after Will calls him out on his behavior. Will gets through to him. Mike is usually unresponsive to tough love, except for when it's coming from Will. After their fight, it is obvious that he's trying to be better. But he still doesn't wanna face certain things, and he doesn't know how to navigate that. Because he's 13 years old.

There is a reason for all of that internal conflict. There is a reason it comes pouring out of him at certain times. He's crumbling. He is quite literally falling apart because he's holding on to too much. It's not a stretch to assume that, it just takes basic media literacy. Why would the writers have Mike act this way if he was just supposed to be a one dimensional character? Why would Finn be directed to portray Mike the way he does if there was nothing more going on? There are times where Mike looks like he's in physical pain because of his internal conflict. There is a reason for that. And acknowledging that DOES NOT mean people are taking away from Will. That's the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Do y'all seriously not understand that more than one character can have emotionally complex storylines? Genuinely asking, is this a new concept for you?

Will's love for Mike

Will is head over heels in love with Mike. That is very much established. So when you're dismissing the emotional depth of Mike's individual arc because you think acknowledging it "takes away from Will" you are actually diminishing the significance of a huge aspect of Will's emotional arc. By taking away the significance of Mike, you take away from the significance of Will.

Let's do a quick recap of the very significant role Mike has played in Will's entire life:

Mike is Will's first friend.

They have grown up together and it can be assumed that they've reached important milestones together.

Mike has always been a safe person for Will. He's been a constant in Will's very chaotic and unfair life. Until the summer of '85, Mike had always been something good in Will's life. (That's not to say he is no longer something good, but it can be assumed that the summer of '85 is the first time Mike has been a causal factor in Will's unhappiness)

When Will went missing, Mike did not hesitate to search for him. It wasn't even a question of if. The moment he knew Will was missing he knew exactly what he'd be doing that night. He spearheaded the search amongst the party. He was the leader.

When Will came back, Mike was the only person that didn't treat him like he was gonna break. He cared for him, and he was there for him, but he didn't treat him differently; Will tells us as much. Which means we can infer that the way Mike was with Will in s2 - how gentle and loving he was - was nothing new. He had just always been like that.

When Will was possessed, Mike stayed by his side. Even when it was scary, even when it could've gotten him killed, he stayed. Because once again, for him, it wasn't even a question. That's just where he knew he needed to be. He was in the shed when they were trying to get through to Will. He was set apart from Lucas and Dustin, but he also wasn't equated to family. And his retelling of the story of the day they first met was the final push Will needed to find a way to communicate.

After a year of things being "weird" between them, Mike tells Will that he didn't deserve to be treated the way he had been. Mike tells him that he wants them to be okay again, and for the rest of the season he puts in the work.

Things get rough in s3, and at the beginning of s4, and despite all of that, Will confesses his love (albeit veiled). In a moment where Mike is feeling awful about himself, he tells him that he loves him and needs him, and he tells him why. And to him it doesn't matter that he's breaking his own heart to do it, because it's Mike. Mike, who makes him feel like he's not a mistake at all, and that he's better for being different. For Will, there was no other option. The person he loves was hurting and he knew how to help, and so he did.

Mike is the first person Will tells about Vecna still being alive. Because they're back to being a team. He knows he can trust Mike, and Mike seems to be very determined to prove him right.

SO.

These are all real and canon aspects of Mike's presence in Will's life. Will falling in love with Mike isn't something that just happened for no reason. Will fell in love with Mike because of who Mike is. When you acknowledge that, and when you acknowledge the reasons they've set out for why Will loves him - the reasons Will literally told us - you can better understand Will. But when you dismiss all of these things about Mike, you are dismissing a large portion of Will's emotional and romantic arc. You aren't being a Will Warrior. You are erasing so much of him and his feelings and his lived experience. That is not the hill you wanna die on.

Will loves a person. Not a feeling. Yes, he says that Mike makes him feel like he's not a mistake and that he's better for being different. But that's not why he loves him. He feels that way because he loves him.

Mike is a fully fleshed out character with his own feelings and struggles and fears and traumas and motivations. He's not a plot device. He's not just an accessory to Will's arc. He's not a character that was written only to be Will's love interest. He's Will's love interest because he's Mike.

If Mike didn't matter, and if Mike didn't play a significant role in byler, then they would be able to write in a love interest for Will in s5 and have it be somewhat satisfying. But they can't do that. Will's love for Mike has so much depth because Mike has so much depth. It is genuinely crazy that this has to be stated and that I have to back up this claim because it is simply a canon fact.

So yes, the rain fight affects Mike's character development and his involvement in it is important. Yes, the van scene literally could not exist without Mike and therefore his involvement in it is incredibly important. Yes, every single byler moment has an impact on Mike, and Mike has an impact on it because they are BYLER moments. Yes, Mike will have a lot of significant moments - with Will AND on his own - in s5 because his arc deserves and needs as much attention as Will's in order to execute byler endgame in a satisfying way.

No, none of these facts negate Will's importance or take away from his story. If anything, they add to it because Mike and Will's arcs are corresponding and intertwined.

Mike's struggles

To name a few

Dysfunctional family

Has been bullied his entire life

Extreme self worth issues

Inferiority complex

Hero complex

Lack of self preservation

Suicidal ideation (has been on display since SEASON ONE)

Internalized homophobia

To get this out of the way: Mike's internalized homophobia is allowed to be discussed. Discussion of it is not the dismissal of Will's internalized homophobia. Surprise surprise, two queer kids in the 80s have internalized homophobia! Who'd'a thunk it?! Their internalized homophobia presents in different ways but it is there for both of them. I personally relate to the way Mike's is portrayed way more than I relate to Will's. So why is it that we can't discuss it without being accused of erasing Will's experience? Or without people saying that we're "copy and pasting" Will's story? Because quite frankly, that feels dismissive of my - and likely many others' - real and lived experience. So please for the love of all things that are good just stop with this talking point because it will never hold up.

Moving on

I'm not gonna do a full breakdown of all of Mike's issues. Because contrary to popular belief, there are a lot. And that would be exhausting and I'd get carried away and it's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to defend the acknowledgement and mere existence of them.

If you're a byler that for some reason thinks Mike only exists to be Will's love interest and his trophy as compensation for his trauma, let me ask you this: Have you considered how awful it would be to have a queer character's individuality and emotional depth completely ignored for the sake of focusing on the queer character that "really matters"?

If Mike's own issues, with his queer identity and otherwise, aren't thoroughly explored... What's the point of all this? If Mike really is insignificant in this storyline and his individuality has no effect on it.. where's the emotional payoff? If his perspective doesn't matter... Why have the writers gone to such great lengths to ensure we don't have that piece of the puzzle yet?

Analyzing Mike and understanding Mike is very important to understanding byler. Once again, I think it's crazy that this needs to be said.

I also think it's important to note that characters can have similar struggles. There's no rule against that. Just like real life. Characters having similar struggles is not a bad thing, and acknowledging that their struggles are similar is not dismissive of either character. We're talking about STRANGER THINGS. Jonathan and Nancy's thing is "we've got shared trauma". They have literal matching scars. Shared experiences are some of the main building blocks for this show's romances. Byler has a TON of shared experience, basically their entire lives. We already know that. So wouldn't it be so beautiful for them to learn that they've been struggling with the same thing this whole time? That the entire time they felt alone in what they were going through when really they had each other and they never even knew it? Wouldn't it be so beautiful for Mike's acceptance of Will and Will's love for him was also a step toward accepting himself? Wouldn't it be beautiful for Will to learn that his love makes Mike feel like he's not a mistake? None of that would be in the realm of possibility if Mike didn't have emotional depth and if his individuality wasn't important.

And that leads me to my concluding point...

A satisfying execution of byler endgame hinges on Mike's individual emotional arc being handled well

God I hope this isn't controversial to say. I sincerely hope most people haven't forgotten that.

Here's a hypothetical:

Imagine season five has been released. You're watching it, and you notice that Mike has been relegated to just a supporting character for Will. We don't get any of his perspective. We don't get any explanation for his s3 and early s4 behavior. His breakup with El doesn't have any real tangible effect on him, it's really just used for El's character development. We never see him pining for Will like we saw Will pining for him. And then suddenly Mike is learning about the painting and then suddenly he's confessing his love and then suddenly byler is canon and official.

Now wouldn't that just be awful? Wouldn't that be unfair to the audience, to Mike, and to Will? For us to never learn just how much Mike had to go through to even be able to say it out loud? For Mike to never get the chance to prove to himself through word and action that he is the heart? For Will to never get an explanation for why things did get so "weird" between them? It would leave us with one big, nagging question: What was the point of everything Mike has said and done throughout the entire show if his conclusion is that lackluster?

Disregarding Mike for a moment (I know that's incredibly ironic given what the entire point of this is but just bear with me) - how would that be a satisfying conclusion for Will? I mean, Will's s4 arc was basically dedicated to showcasing his struggle with his sexuality and with his love for Mike. We were shown just how deep that love is. We were shown how patient, unselfish, unwavering, and beautiful that love is. So how would it be satisfying for Mike's love for him to not be shown with just as much depth? How would it be satisfying for Mike to just be a one dimensional character whose s5 arc is essentially "break up with girlfriend, wait to find out best friend is in love with him, say he loves him back, then they live happily ever after"? I think Will deserves for his love to be returned with the same intensity at which he gives it. And I think it should be clear to the audience and to Will himself.

Back to Mike!

Mike has been through so much shit. I don't think anyone that is denying that actually believes he hasn't been through shit. Because you'd actually have to watch the show on mute and with your eyes closed to think this kid hasn't had just the worst time. It's so ignorant to act as if this stuff hasn't affected him. There's stuff we've seen but there's stuff we also haven't seen. There are issues he has that date back to his childhood pre-canon. Just like Will, Mike has been a queer kid growing up in 80s smalltown conservative america. Acknowledging the pain he 100% carries because of that is so important. His perspective has been withheld from us, not because it's unimportant, but because it's the final puzzle piece. If we had Mike's perspective in s4, byler wouldn't be a "will they won't they" (even though we all know they will). If we got his perspective in s4, byler would be a "100% certain without a doubt they will". But the thing about his perspective is that it's so much more than just loving Will. It's fear. It's pain. It's insecurity. It's doubt. It's the belief that his happiness just doesn't matter all that much. All of that has to be explored. All of that has to be laid out in the open for us in order for byler endgame to feel earned. Mike's emotional payoff will lead to byler's emotional payoff.

Mike has known he loves Will. In s5 we will see him make a deliberate and active effort to overcome the things keeping him from doing something about it. And then he will do something about it.

And so when it finally happens. When both Mike and Will finally know that their feelings are requited, and when their arcs end with us knowing that they will face whatever life has in store for them together, that will feel earned. That will feel like the logical conclusion for both of them. Not just for Mike. Not just for Will. For both.

And Mike is just as important to that conclusion as Will is.

And one last thing...

Some people are going to talk about Mike more. Some people are going to talk about Will more. Because newsflash, people have preferences. Some people just relate to Mike more, or they find his emotional arc extremely compelling, or they just like him. It isn't an attack on Will or any other character. No one is saying Mike is more important than any other character (I'm sure there are people that say that but they are a vocal minority and they are simply wrong). We are just saying that he is important. If you wanna engage in media analysis, please understand that "main character" or "central character" does not mean "only important character" and "only character that should be analyzed". If you wanna talk about Will and only Will, that's fine. But you don't get to act like people that talk about other characters are doing a disservice to your fave, because that's not how any of this works.

#mike defenders i need you to back me up on this #i hope my points come across well #anyway #the way people have been talking about mike lately is so infuriating #its called BYLER analysis because its the analysis of BYLER the ship involving will AND mike #st fandom consistently proving that they have absolutely no idea how fandom works #its almost like people wanna talk about things they care about and you dont get to tell them to shut up #if you dont wanna see people talking about mike you can just mute tags about him #but if you dont wanna talk about mike youre missing a huge part of the byler puzzle and thats your loss #please just let people discuss whatever they want to discuss as long as its not ACTUALLY harmful #sometimes i think y'all are allergic to fun #byler #mike wheeler #mike wheeler analysis #will byers #< this is about him too #byler analysis #byler endgame #stranger things

[blusical]

By the way, if you don't feel like watching the NHL (or even hockey in general) this year because of all the bullshit that's happened, don't feel bad. Don't force yourself to watch this year if you don't feel like it. Feel free to skip a year or even a few select games.

#hockeyblr #hockey #take care of yourself #in fact i probably wont watch most of the nhl this year myself #im considering only sticking to caps and blues games and maybe skipping the playoffs if neither team makes it #however im not sure yet! #i might also watch the echl a lot more since they have a kc team #and *maybe* the ahl but unfortunately they've also been drama-infested as of late so probably not #but yeah as long as bettman is still commissioner i'll probably limit my support/following of the nhl #to be fair i actually encourage folks to watch more minor league hockey than nhl hockey #because i'd rather people spend their money on local teams instead of a major league that blatantly ignores its fans and even players #thats not to say minor league hockey *DOESN'T* have problems because unfortunately hockey culture will never be 100% perfect #but if you want a hockey league to support minor leagues are great #and just so people dont get the wrong idea this isnt a call to boycott btw #and even if i was unfortunately i doubt boycotts would actually work with a league like the nhl

[silverselfshippingchaos]

could cozy up to me- ahem

#ash rambles 💚 #i love him soooo much! i know i get stubborn about it sometimes but he really does have my heart #him and ash get together post-game so i love writing him and his development and him learning to be a better person #theyre not together during the game. theyre enemies during the game. theyre also both kinda immature late teenagers/young adults #(i just wanna make it clear that there's nothing weird there going on!! he and ash have had mutual attraction to each other since they were #kids but they dont get together until theyre adults and he is an adult in canon!!!) #but back to what i was saying #his development with ash is sooo goooddd! they spend a little while doing mercenary work together! ash has quite long hair and man ajsjajsh #the way he learns how to take care of her hair always makes me soo warm and fuzzy inside! he may be a bit of a meanie but he is a #surprisingly affectionate bf! f.f8 s/i probably also straightens her curly hair like i do and he just likes helping and stroking her hair #there's a lot of playful bickering though! lots of matches of triple triad too! whoever loses does the dishes LMAAOO #man.. he's so handsome and strong... i love how he's always so dedicated to being a knight and a protector... i know he uses that as an #excuse to like. do horrific things in the game but!!! in the mobile game you can see him develop and i really do like his redemption arc #from mean ass bully to kinda mean ally that'll protect you no matter what. his character is so good especially when you consider that he's #literally been forced into training since he was five. lots of things to analyze and think about there #but back to the knight thing!! he always says he's ash's knight! makes my heart flutter hehe! though he is very well-aware that ash could #kick his ass... and he loves it! he's not big on using her beloved guns (shes very picky about who touches her sweethearts too) but he does #like watching her epic gunslinger gf in action hehehe! okay yeah i think thats enough rambling for now #i got sick 😔 i'm okay and it'll pass but expect a lot of half-asleep f/o rambles LMAAOOO #okay yeah. tldr: i <3 s.eifer a.lmasy #your knight until the end 🤍

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

#talk post #i love this blog i want to live here #I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg #but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before #WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY #(yelling at a mirror) #seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately #and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week #making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts #and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again #this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row #but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school #and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing #and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year #and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it #like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me #PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE #i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean #i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy” #but things only work for so long #i hate the passage of time #anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff) #walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor #ramble #hit post

[britneyshakespeare]

i might seem like just a mentally ill eccentric. but deep down i care about the children

#im talking about my job #tales from diana #i probably dont seem eccentric at all to the ppl i work w just socially anxious (which is very obvious irl & always has been w me) #i dont know how to explain my conflict about working at my high school lately other than. it's not just my trauma #with that particular building. i mean yes it's very much awoken w me when im in there #but everything that was wrong w the *culture* of my school. the way teenagers in that district acted. #it's like. exactly the way i left it seven years ago #and i think a lot of it has to do with the incompetence of the administration and i hate to say it but. individual teachers to some extent #i mean ppl just have no expectations for these children to be respectful and apply themselves #when you treat students with dignity and present their work with dignity they will feel dignified and care more. #there are lots of systemic issues that affect teenagers too that cause them to be disengaged as well #and you never know what's just going on in their individual lives that's interfering w their school success. #in many ways it's like the way they fare is so out of our hands that i get why teachers are so burnt out and cant be assed #im very much bright-eyed and bushytailed in some ways. even tho i do not see this as a glamorous job #i am very young and haven't been doing this long enough to have EVERY ideal beaten out of me. just most of em. #yeah. the culture of that high school is just awful. #in general i have very high opinions of teenagers. and low opinions of high schoolers. #it's not who they are that is wrong. it's the building they inhabit and the ways they move around it. #it's the potential of them that is being ill-served that frustrates me so much. #they deserve better and so do we as the adults working there #that's that on that

[isabelguerra]

i love pnat dynamics so much i cannot put it into words everyone is so wrong about each other except when they are right. nobody talks to anyone they should be talking to that would make for interesting and compelling character development. the interpersonal drama is so burdened that characters can barely look at each other without feeling horrible. its so genuinely unironically my favorite

#paranatural #edit this is NOT praising the writing. this is dunking on it. not bad dunking exactly like affectionate dunking but dunking nonetheless #its ‘wow youre terrible. i like you.’ we’re bitter exes. we’re divorced #ive been reading this comic for so long and theyve been with me for so long sometimes i forget everyone is like 12 #characters u feel u have grown up with but they have stayed the same. you are the one who has changed. #anyway in my little imaginary mega headcanon au theyre all college students right now and they will deal with college student depressi #on right there with me #‘there are already adults in pn’ well i dont care about them have you considered that. #isabel guerra is a 22yo lit major who hasnt experienced summer the same way since she was 16 and misses it #max puckett is her roommate who sits upside down on their shitty apartment couch while isabel works on her thesis and he talks to her about #camera techniques. ed calls from art school three states over sometimes but they arent as close as they were when they were 12 and that gap #has only widened. they both want things to go back to how they were before but neither know how #isaac age 23 still feels his emotions very strongly but has gotten better at confronting them #hes 23 so hes a dumbass bc 23yos are dumbasses but hes working so that by his 30s he’ll get his psychology lisence to help confused kids #johnny and isabel started hanging out in highschool and haven’t stopped since. he comes over a lot for him and isabel to bounce ideas #off each other. he helps her w her lit research bc isabel loves it but is kinda shit at it. johnnys an english major #so hes better with that stuff but still pretty stupid. hes just got good at old english bc of forge #if it gets late sometimes theyll just turn the lights out and listen to the fan run in the dark. they usually keep that part a secret though #max knows he just doesn’t say anything. isabel appreciates it. #rj goes to the same art school as ed and studies photography. theyre really good at it they’ve gotten some big gigs #but their favorite thing to photograph is their friends every time theyre home #stephens getting his media degree to start his own ghost hunting show. he has a youtube channel but hes trying too hard w it. #needs 2 loosen up and have some fun. ollie wants 2 be a veterinarian but hes taking a couple gap years while taking on and off classes #at the local community college. hes doin pretty good #i did not realize how much ive been typing. beddy bye goodnight <3

[minnieposting]

i am reading "art and fear" and i want to peel the skin off my face its so. AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#minnie post #this isnt negative by all means #its just hitting sooo close to home #but its rlly inspiring tbh . #ive been struggling w art for a bit #im a huge perfectionist and lately i cant work on a piece for long i have too many ideas or just . get bored of it #i have so much to say but idk how to say it!!!! #then i have all these other ideas that i want to do but idk when ill do them so therye just fantasies rn #this work is making me both extremely self aware and i dont like it but also #its making me feel normal and therefore motivated to just Do stuff #cuz who cares #if i died tomorrow and left my current work behind and that was it #i would be so upset #it doesnt feel like !! authentic enough to me #but also AUAGFUIASIFUGASIUASF #art weird #i want to share more #im gonna share so much #no use keeping it hidden away in my brain for it to just die when i do

[craycraybluejay]

The fact that I'm not tall enough makes me actually want to self die. Like idc what other people say in terms of why I deserve or don't deserve to die but. If I was 6'0" I'd feel a lot less constantly depressed.

#tw dysphoria #look i like a good majority of my appearance people find me hot and i find me hot #but every time im reminded of my height i want to kill everything within a 10 mile radius including myself #tw sui ideation #microwave background of i hate society i hate not feeling man enough i hate not feeling on the same page with my body #not only do you have the most painful of problems you also arent large?? what the hell dude #whats wrong with you #stop having so many problems #turn back time be a kid again turn to a life of crime and get the hormones u need b4 its too late #manage your disability with underground docs b4 medicine is irreperablt ruined to you #be a kid again be stronger be smarter get out get out save yourself #its not FAIR #its not right #stretch me on a rack till im long enough to seem near inhuman #break my bones and put me back together until i feel like a person #work me till im sicker than before make me a killing machine make me numb to pain and limits #make me a future where i can be me even if its in a program even if im dead #i dont want to be healthy i just want to be me enough to give a fuck #i want to be free #i look around at the things i care about and i feel weary and numb. what does it matter i ask myself #if i cant experience it all as me but simply as too flawed a flesh mech to connect to. idc if people like me. i just want to be me #a constant fight for identity where everyone not helping me is my enemy. and im so ENVIOUS it makes me sick #envious of things people could never imagine being envious about. i want to leave my body forever #vent #my fight for myself takes no prisoners i will bite every bad hand and use people and be outright cruel bc that is who i am. that is how you #survive. in a world that eats you every day you require the drive and ruthlessness to eat everything and everyone else. #sometimes survival means drowning the part of you that apologizes and pleases. putting yourself first no matter what. #a hundred times id rather be selfish and brutal than give even an inch of my chance at an even okay life #if science isnt enough ill change science. if people arent enough ill change people. if nothings enough ill break all of it #i dont believe in compromise. not when it comes to me.

[lightnersdream]

#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH #i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social #behavior and relationships #you meet people. sometimes they go #that's how it is #there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings #and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard #and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone #it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself #and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say #i want to say something but there isnt anything #so i havent been talking to a lot of people #and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they #prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore #because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges #sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal #but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily #so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly #at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life #i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family #i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to #dib noise #some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that #i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much #I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them #and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten

[the-bookwyrm]

I'm currently doing a sleep diary that I can take to my doctor, so I can point to it and go "look! I absolutely have insomnia, look at how terribly I sleep!!"

And the thing is. It's just. I've always known that I have bad sleep days, you know? But the thing with ADD is that I can't remember. So I'll be living life, going yeah, I slept badly yesterday, but I'm sure today will be better!! And not remembering that the day before that was just as bad, and so was the day before that.

I'm just so angry sometimes. I'm almost 30! And just now, just this year, am I figuring out that I have insomnia, because I literally could not remember enough to know I had it before I started developing coping mechanisms.

How many more things will I have to learn about myself, that could've been fixed, if I'd gotten help earlier?

#personal #dont mind me i got a whole 2 hours of sleep today! not concurrently!! #anyway sometimes im angry haha #melatonin Does Not Work on me btw. super great! #the h on the sheet stands for hyperfixation for the days i hyperfixated so long i either went to bed ridiculously late or barely at all #BECAUSE OF the hyperfixation and not the insomnia #any day theres a y in the insomnia column but a big number in the hours is bc theyre split apart #ill fall asleep for 3 hrs and then wont be able to fall Back asleep for 4. stuff like that #add #adhd #mental health #health care #insomnia #god i hope my dr will be able to do something. or refer me to someone who can #this is may's tracker btw. im doing three months of tracking to get a big range and so no one can deny theres a problem #one more month to go!

[sammyloomis]

nothin like having to spend my bday tomorrow doing a bunch of shit i dont rly wanna do :V

#ash.txt #starting off strong with my grandparents coming over to drop my card off #and stay for an undetermined amount of time while asking me invasive questions about my future #then its going out to town for dinner with my parents while park life is starting this weekend so its gonna be rammed #THEN its having to go to this degree show thing at 3 to get set up #and is then lasting from 5pm to 9pm #with zero time for me to get food #to do something to try and get a job in an industry i dont even know if i want to work in anymore #who the fuck made it so this degree show is a) so late in the day and b) from 5pm to 9pm what the actual fuck is that about #thats so fucking late and so long who even cares #id hoped i was gonna have some more stuff to bring to this between finishing uni and now #but ive been so fucking burnout and depressed i havent been able to make anything #HAPPY 26TH BDAY TO ME YAHOO #oh and also preempting the gifts and cards that show a complete lack of awareness of who i am as a person from my family #AND THE SUMMER GAMES FEST SHOW SUCKED AUGHHH

[bunnyb34r]

I was so pumped ab finally getting rid of the 6days aaaaaaand the wicked fucking bitch of the west is coming in (ceo) so we are being highly recommend to swap days off and work from today to next fucking Thursday 😩

Oh AND we were told to stop working side by side (basically stop fucking talking to each other and for me and [relative coworker] to stop working together to get merch lists and shit by walking together)

And to keep the clothing all level which in theory yeah add more stock keep it all even... bitch we have clearance shit we have packages which stack higher and shirts that stack lower! Take the L bc shes never gonna be happy no matter what! Just leave us alone and tell overnight (if there IS any) to do better bc we spend half our shift (all of mine) fixing their bullshit like !!!

#we told our coworker this and she was like i am not fucking working on my days off fuck that shit fire me i dont care #and she was LIVID ab the side by side thing like okay we'll just SHOUT ACROSS THE DEPARTMENT EVEN IF CUSTOMERS ARE HERE! #like its not that we spend too much time talking not enougj working its that we are fucking understaffed as hell!!! #i count the cars in the parking lot every morning when i get in to gauge how much extra work ill get pulled to do and let me tell you there #is usually only 15 people on average 15 across the whole store... but sure its us talking uh huh #im gonna have a mental breakdown my dudes... im gonna try to push through the 6day but i aint staying late doing overtime like #the last TWO times it was prophesied that this bitch was coming in like fuck that i dont care if the store looks like shit 🤗 gfy dude gfy #might have considered it if he didnt add the side by side thing but nah fuck you man #and this bitch needs to stop changing the clothing standards like jfc man come on #work talk #marquilla #long post #anyway thank god i tackled the go backs cart today bc holy shit

[mis-calculated]

When the beginnings of a months long mental breakdown hits you like a ton of bricks at 1am

#every time i go to the psychiatrist and she asks how i am im always like #welp. im better than that one time i couldnt get out of bed for three months a year ago so im probably thriving #but uhh. i think things have been building in the background i guess and only now have i actually inventoried all of them to realize #we are probably like a solid two and a half steps from having a yearly mental breakdown and only getting closer #work sucks ass #i dont think i can mentally student teach #i dont think i can even mentally teach #im so tired and burnt out most of my free time these days #im not looking forward to the suite #i feel like i dont really have friends #thinking about my recital makes me want to throw up #i feel like every professor doesnt really know me or care that i exist #i want the world to just stop for a while so i can take some time and not feel so anxious and angry and on my own and like im drowning #instead of fucking up another school semester having a mental health crisis and subsequently being a further dissappointment to my mother #its been so long since ive wandered aimlessly around durham late at night hoping that the bad thoughts will go away #quarantine vents

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

got out of bed today despite me really really not wanting to. i am Gods bravest soldier

#ive just been so anxious lately #nothing particularly bad is happening but everything just feels terrifying and stressful rn #like i need to get my oil changed and my car checked out and it makes me want to puke just thinking about it #i need to clean my apartment and the thought of that is stressful #i have some long shifts coming up at work and it makes me want to cry #again these are not big problems these are just simple things i need to take care of #im just so so anxious about everything and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep and disassociate for hours cause #i dont want to deal with anything #vent tw #sorry

[allylikethecat]

hi ally!! jumping on the random questions train- what do you do for work?

Yay for the random question train! Keep them coming this is fun!

My grown up job is in marketing with a focus on copy writing. However, because I can never not be doing something and also my hobby is *horses* which is very expensive, I also work at a bookstore which I find a lot of fun and is essentially me following my passion because I LOVE books and am a very avid reader 😊

Thank you for the questions! If anyone wants to send more that would be amazing this is fun!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #questions #answers #ask game #i refuse to do horses as a job #i did that for about six months during covid #and very much realized that I like riding my OWN horses #not other peoples horses #and that teaching stresses me out #im also in my late twenties down and dont bounce the way i used to #like getting bucked off HURTS a lot more now #I don't care how talented a horse is i am uninterested in them these days if they buck or rear #like i can deal with a spook or bolting but i am not about the bucking or rearing life anymore #thankfully Pop is perfect and would never #thats a lie he's actually a bolter which isn't ideal either i just prefer it to the other options because its easier to sit haha #and also i've had him so long as this point i can usually tell when he's going to do it and plan accordingly #once in a while though he'll spin first and that's what gets me #i know that you asked about work but honestly my horse hobby is much more interesting than me admitting i write facebook posts for a living #lol

[nomaishuttle]

literally the pet rooms at work are the evillest not bc the pets are bsd at ALL theyve all been either well behaved or very timid and avoidant so its not like they get in the way. theyre bad bc my heart wants to just pet the kittys forever

#the other day enzo who is this very very sweet shihtzu was left in the room #usually he goes on a walk with his owner while im cleaning. yk. tbey walk to town #but that day rhey didnt go on a walk so enzo was in the room with me and he was very excited at first but then realized i couldnt play with #him and then he just sat by the door sadly Lol #hes a smart dog though i think he can tell when im working vs when im just hanging iut bc umm yesterday his owner had some stuff he needed #to tell me. and enzo was all over me jumping ip so i was just.petting him the entire time his owner was talking #theyre a very very sweet duo the guy is obsessed with his dog.. the guys name is angelo BTW. hes italian if you couldnt tell #but he like. writes poems for his dog and for his late wife and its all very very sweet. he loves enzo a lot :*? #it makes me so . like babyfever but for little doggy i literally want a dog so badly i Legitimately cannot get one right now but i want . #a little dog . i want one so bad #but. as i said i shant jntil i 1. am not Sleeping in a garage and 2. get my life under control #bc i can barely take care of myself atm and it just. yk. it wouldnt be responsible of me to get one #i prolly wont be ableAt least until i move out of this house #either back home or to a new place whos to say. not me i dont know i havent decided. #but yas. enzo is the onlyyy doggy i have in all my rooms.. i have a few cat rooms though #my favorite cat is probably willy hes such a sweetie. hes okd and so fat and he isnt afraid of me at all #<- sort of a detriment bc he loves to lay on the bed while im trying to strip it. and i have to slide my hand under the covers and pry him #up. and then he makes The saddest meow ever and gets up. hes so cute #most of the other cats i dont rly see a lot... rheres maybe 3? others aside from willy and 320's cat (i dont know her name bc she Refuses #to hold still long enough for me to read her collar lol) #but the others i dont know their names Aside from oliver who is 208's cat....