#i dont currently have any plans to publish anything tbh

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

#also on a trauma note: #they both really left me in the exact same way huh #they got tired of me and looked for an outside force to make me break up with them #bc they didnt want to do it themselves #cowards

[i-did]

hi mlm here. so i want to write andreil smut but im a virgin so i have no idea what exactly sex is like. but i do not want to write it for the.... straight women gaze. what are some things that are accurate to write about. this is prolly super nsfw but i dont know who to ask.

Okay so this response took me literally months, and I'm sorry about that. I honestly was so excited when I got this question. I don't know why I put off responding?? But here I go: 

CW for discussion of NSFW, STD’s, and a lil homophobia

I bet a lot of people who write smut are virgins tbh, that's not to insult anyone or anything, but like writing is a non physical way to explore sex and fantasies by yourself, so you’re definitely not alone lol.

So you're MLM and want to write smut, (and others who want to get my opinions on writing non-fetishistic smut).

Porn is porn and can have unrealistic circumstances to fulfill said fantasy, such as anything from people messing around in locker rooms to tentacles.

To get a general sense of what is common in MLM sexuality, (rather than the typical feminine gaze that is seen in smut) looking at gay porn and gay porn categories is good insight. 

Bear culture, muscle culture, leather culture, etc. 

These are obviously still porn and unrealistic, however being attracted to sweat, jockstraps, and muscles is very common outside of porn. 

Bear culture is a body-positive movement that started because of the gay community's fat-phobia, age-phobia, and overall shittyness about body hair. 

Leather culture is also really big, it started because of the belief that gay men couldn’t be dominant or “masculine”, even in bed. So in America, leather culture was a way a lot of MLM embraced themselves. 

Going to pride, you will see many men wearing those leather harnesses, it doesn't indicate a preference of topping or bottoming necessarily, they're just something mlm wear and has grown quite popular in the culture, I've known some men to say it feels like a security blanket for them. 

And I think it’s very important to understand these cultures or at least be aware of them on a base level if you’re going to write gay porn. 

Also looking at erotic MLM art made by men, there is Tom of Finland, who was very historically significant, and is the most famous erotic gay artist. There is gay literature, one that openly talks about sex quite frankly is the book “We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan” which is a series of diary excerpts from a real gay trans man where you follow his life up until he died during the aids epidemic. He talks about sex with partners and discovering himself as well as what being a gay man means to him. He has a real love for sex in a way that is very unashamed and interesting to read about. We know that he wrote the latter half of his diaries with the plan of compiling them and publishing them but he passed away and people in his life carried out this wish for him. He is considered a significant part of gay and transgender history because of this, and his diaries are in LGBT museums. 

Reading gay poetry, looking at gay art, erotic, romantic, grungy, whatever, and you will find and see how they portray things differently than when it’s not portrayed by gay men usually. I mean there is a clear difference between yaoi and bara and that's the audience and authors. Some yaoi are made by MLM, (well technically their called gei comi, or gay comics in Japanese)

“Also known as ‘gei comi’ or ‘men's love,’ bara comics are by men, for men. There is a yaoi equivalent to this, and it is called ‘gachi muchi’-- it is written by women, for women.” – myanimelist.net (lol)

 but more than 90% aren't. I haven't ever heard of a non-MLM bara artist, but I'm sure there's at least one. 

Of course, I've seen things depicting MLM just together pretty realistically that didn't feel like it was written by someone who definitely wasn't MLM, but these scenes tend to be more writing in the general sense of art in the general sense rather than porn, which has a huge gap in characteristics between stuff usually written by MLM vs when it's written by women. (sorry about the binary language here)

I know some people don't like any realism in their porn, but I personally really like small details such as prep being mentioned, foreplay, even acknowledgment of the existence of condoms even if they choose to go without.

Especially as an MLM who lives in America currently, the ever-present acknowledgment and stigmatism of AIDS is around us. We think about it, even when we don't want to. An entire generation of MLM, trans people, and a lot of POC were wiped out. Not necessarily a PWP detail, but including discussion of prep, PrEP (the anti HIV medication) and/or getting tested, even for diseases besides HIV, is a small detail that I think is nice. MLM often have to have a moment when opening up a conversation about sex where HIV is mentioned, our dating apps and hook up apps have sections where you put positive, negative, non-transmissible/undetectable, or prefer not to say. The books take place in 2006 so PrEP didn't exist yet, but also the aids pandemic was happening when they were being born and as young kids, so it wasn't that long ago in society's mind. It's still illegal for many trans people and MLM to donate blood despite that the blood is screened for diseases after donation. 

Also, some realism I like is when a character isn't getting their ass ate first in the morning. Like, for me that's a huge turn-off because I think “holy fuck hygiene.” specifically with anal play I just really think even casually mentioning “washing up” or basic prep, or if you want more accuracy/details mention time between last meals or “x only ate a salad, so he would be fine”. It's like a joke in the gay community to eat chili fries or some shit on a date to indicate that either there will be no anal, or if there is you’re not going to be the one to do it, because you just fuckin ate those fries to say so. 

A cock just going in without prep and no condom is going to A) hurt very bad the body does not do that naturally and can cause injury B) get shit dick.

An also not sexy detail that is common for sex is just laying down a towel so you don’t have to wash sheets. Lube on hands? Wipe off on the towel that you’re on rn. Laying down a towel is pretty normal especially for anal. But this is if you’re going for a much more playing for accuracy sex scene. 

Honestly just writing fingering and prep and stuff like that in my opinion goes a long way and also gives the audience more to read. 

Also, sex is way more than peen in hole. Get creative, frottage, mutual masturbation, docking? Idk like thigh fucking, fucking buttcheeks but not hole, handies, blowies, anal oral, Neil doesn’t have to be the only one who gets his ass ate and things don’t have to follow formulas, in fact, they’re better when they don’t. 

Sex comes in many forms, and like I’ve definitely been with someone and he took off his shirt and I was like what, because he was skinny and clean-shaven and I didn’t expect him to have nearly as much chest hair as he did. I bet honestly Neil has a massive bush, like fuckin, massive. 

Andrew and Neil don’t have to like everything the same amount, Neil could be like “I wanna lick your armpit” and gets really off on it, Andrew is neutral but likes that Neil likes it and agrees even if it does nothing for him physically. Honestly, Neil having a sweat kink imo is pretty fitting lol. 

Try not to categorize the characters into “the bottom” and “the top”, or “the man” and “the woman”

This is something I see a lot and pay attention to how “the bottom” tends to adopt traits that are seen in straight porn that are over-exaggerated. I’m not saying it's inherently wrong to write someone as slim, but we know Neil isn't delicate, but I personally wouldn't categorize him as slim. He's a college-level athlete and is definitely muscular and defined, he has some bulk at least, he isn’t model lean for sure imo. You also often see PWP where the bottom makes a bunch of noise and the top makes none, or the top grunts and the bottom mewls, these are things I personally feel gives the bottom the role of a woman in porn. I don’t think Andreil have rough sex necessarily, but I do think when Neil does make noise, it would be because it was practically punched out of him by the feeling, and would sound more like a gasp than a kitten or whatever. There's nothing wrong with writing them both grunting, both of their voices being lower. Someone bottoming doesn’t suddenly magically not have secondary sex characteristics and stubble and body hair or a deep voice or however, they’re like everywhere else. 

When I read an over-emphasis on Neil’s slim waist and swaying hips and ass I’m like,,, okay someone please mention Andrew looking at Neil’s dick or bulge or shoulders. As an MLM, what do you find hot about men? I like stomachs and arms and shoulders, jawlines, collarbones, asses yes but like in a different way than how I like women’s asses (I’m bi lol) they are smaller and I like them muscled and squared almost. I look at veins on hands and noses and shoulders and backs, I look at a lot and I honestly don't have a type. But yeah so think about what you like, why you like it, what you might want. Or look at what others like, and why and how they want and like it.

what would Neil like, how would he feel about it? And Andrew. I kinda feel like Andrew is low-key masc 4 masc but that's just me lmaoo. Anyways, good luck writing. 

#aftg #ask #fandom psychology #fandom culture #osha violation #mailob

[chemicalpink]

content tag game ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡

tagged by the loveliest @knjsnoona im so sorry this took so long

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

we don't talk about that BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW, i used to have a 1D fic blog, and from time to time some other fandoms like sherlock bbc, supernatural, criminal minds and marvel.

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

just BTS but I'm open to anything tbh

3. how long have you been writing?

uh... writing in general? around 18 years, published online? 8

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

im just active on here, i do have ao3 and will soon enough start writing on there.

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

hELLO? pwp is a must with me im sorry.

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

i just recently started planning my fics but i dont really follow the outlines so... pantser i basically just sit and write it all in one go.

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

one shot, im a busy person lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

i mean it depends, if i'm writing it lmao around 1k-5k, if im reading it... i mostly read fics of around 10k-30k

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

oh god the daechwita series. it is 10k altogether. and yes, it is complete and has a few drabbles in it.

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

mmmm its a wip that's hopefully releasing soon, a crack yoongi fic, it has been fun working on it. from published ones? oh god i've enjoyed them all but maybe- the whole electra heart series.

11. favourite request you’ve written and why (if any?)

ya'll I'm still waiting for you guys to request one, but the pwp plots have been great lmao

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

they're either break up related or shameless porn so- idk what that says about me that im sad and horny or sth

13. current number of wips?

oh dear- actual WIPs (the ones that are currently being written) around 10, from things i come up with at 3 am and write down... 173

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

punctuation isn't my forte lmao

and i refuse to edit im sorry

15. a quote you like from a published story.

“If that is so, then tell me, little brother” this time Seokjin is the one whose eyes look fired up, tone bone-chilling “why are you the one being held back, stripped from home, and not me”

From If History is Dead: Tales of the Sea

16. a quote from an unpublished story

I don't wanna give away any spoilers but I really wanna give you guys something funny so it's a one-liner.

“I don’t bottom, that’s a fact”

from only good vibes

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

you are all so great to me and i really have no way to express how much i appreciate you guys supporting my work, i know for a fact i suck at interactions so i would like to apologise for having quite a... difficult personality but please know that i am blessed to have people around my work that appreciate it and appreciate me as a writer and as a person, I'll always work to improve myself!

Tags: if convenient and if you haven't done it before @hobipaint

@sunshinekims @xiaokoo @bangtan-madi

#tag game

[kemonos]

would it be annoying if i said 1-50? i wanna know all of it

no it’s v sweet...... kis...

1. what’s the best thing that happened to you today?

i just relaxed and kinda just didnt do much!! love it when i get a day Off. my cat laid next to me and it was so cute that might be the best part. also just had a nice phone call with u a bit ago was rlly nice

2. where do you see yourself living in 10 years?

the city that i currently live in. i will be 29! yikes!

3. apartment or house?

house. i need places to go and space to exist in and apartments make me feel v cramped

4. has your aesthetic changed at all in the last year?

i change it every season!

5. what is something you’re proud of?

im good with kitty cats..... also being a published poet and having 2 years of government work experience at19!

6. name three books that changed your life.

warriors: into the wild, the haunting of hill house, and persepolis

7. do you have a favorite podcast?

i love taz!! (thanks for introducing me to it) and wtnv is my forever love.

8. what three songs can you not get enough of right now?

i don’t trust u anymore

the guillotine

cuz i love you

9. favorite quote?

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.” and yes that is a FNV quote

10. state an unpopular opinion that you have.

i gotta think on this one? i hate potatoes? but as for like more controversial/political stuff i gotta think on that

11. if you could live in any other decade, when & where would you choose?

medieval germany just so i could understand how horrifically people smelled

12. describe your ideal date?

going to a place where i can pet goats and having flowers brought to me... hehe

but as for like a date i havent done? i think just like. being surprised with a small gift/flowers because i love gifts/flowers and then going for a nice walk somewhere pretty and then doing some activity like pottery or shopping or like.. just an activity that’s a good time!!! and then having a nice dinner or lunch (no ideal date of mine starts early bc that’s cuddling time) and then going home and watching a movie and hangin out!

13. are you currently crushing on anybody?

yeas! you know who!!

14. if you could have dinner with anybody, who would it be?

my grandma cause i never met her. or like a grandma further up in my lineage and idk anything abt my heritage tbh

15. what time do you usually go to sleep & wake up?

i sleep from 10:30-1:00 and wake up around 9

16. what’s your favorite instrument?

cello, viola, or mandolin

17. what song do you love dancing to?

i will get down to just about anything. in stores, restaurants, anywhere. u have seen me do this.

18. what’s a topic that you wish you knew more about?

hmm how to make change using activism. i see so much injustice in the world and im not sure how to fix it

19. got a random fact you’ve been holding on to?

i have only had animals that had black fur as pets!

20. favorite fruit & vegetable?

i like mango and tomato

21. what’s your favorite dish to cook?

im so bad at cooking so a dish i CAN cook that i like is chicken soup made from scratch

22. favorite beverage?

screwdriver

23. how are you feeling in this moment?

pretty okay!

24. are you reading a book at the moment? what do you like about it?

i should be... eek

25. name three songs that stir up the deepest emotions.

a pearl by mitski

running up that hill by kate bush

i dont have a third one, these two songs rlly bring out tears in me tho. esp the second one

26. what’s your favorite season & why?

winter cuz i love snow and holidays, spring cause im happiest then, fall cause it smells good and new things happen, summer because i can be lazy and actually see sun?

27. when is your birthday?

you know >:)

28. what do you do when you need to de-stress?

play viddy game

29. do you prefer spontaneous or pre-arranged plans?

both are grEAt

30. name an experience in your life you wish you could do over?

high school, i wasted far too much time being sad

31. do you like the name you were given? if not, is there a different one you’d prefer?

nope! and im not sure yet!

32. what’s your favorite weather?

snow !!!

33. are you satisfied with how your life is going right now?

i think so!

34. describe a time that you were brave.

i stood up to a rlly abusive partner at some point and i paid dearly for it but i stopped letting myself be a doormat

35. is there a movie you like better than the book it was based on?

uhhh not particularly 

36. do you have a place you go to when you feel stressed/sad?

lake

37. what was the last thing that made you laugh?

thicc furry women google search

38. what time is it where you are?

night

39. what is something you’re excited for?

seeing you tomorrow, our next date, and finishing fire emblem.

40. got any summer plans?

work, get sun, hang out

41. when was the last time you intentionally went out to see the sunrise?

never 

42. favorite film genre?

psych thriller

43. coffee or tea?

u and i both love tea and that’s why we fell in love

44. describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

soft, so very soft. olive. stronger than it seems!

45. is there a cover song that you like better than the original?

make you feel my love by adele

46. are you on good terms with your parents?

it’s complicated

47. are you in a relationship? if not, are you looking to be?

i am!!!!!!!!!!!!

48. do you typically look for a partner with the same traits as you or someone to complement yours?

hmmb.... think both? i couldnt be with someone similar to me. but i think like someone who shares some traits with me and also challenges me. like someone who can enjoy quiet moments and likes to stay in but also someone who encourages me to communicate in my life and takes me to new places!!!! hm.. who could i be describing......

49. describe your aesthetic.

forest lamb moss bitch

50. put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs to play.

in the deep woods - sdv soundtrack

northern downpour - panic! at the disco

fire editorial - the mountain goats

jolene - dolly parton

a sadness runs through him - the hoosiers 

pool boyz - diet cig

sleepyhead - passionpit

teenage dirtbag - weezer 

When the Catholic Girls go Camping - Giraffes? Giraffes!

Horchata - vampire weekend

#asks #thank you me darlin #sonyalone #long post

[unicornninjabitch]

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™  I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

#personal #tw self hate #tw suicide mention #tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #i think thats it but lmk if you think i should put anything else i dont want anyone being upset #wow that a lot sorry #sorry i had to get some shit off my chest #and i feel bad always complaining to the same people cause i hate ruining their vibe #so heres a shitty life update yall #i think

[nyneas]

1-20

🕸 1. Who’s the oldest character of yours that you still use? mirelwen, she was originally a dnd character i made so i could play with my dad, and got repurposed into a less cringy character

⭐️ 2. Who’s the oldest character of yours, defunct or not? mirelwen. making her is one of my oldest memories

💡 3. Has creating a character ever made you realize something about yourself? that i have a thing for elves and vampires? idk? im a sappy romantic who enjoys reading about eugenics??

🦋 4. Any minor characters that have either taken over or branched off into their own stories? bryn. she went from existing for a paragraph, to being the main character

🐲 5. Do you prefer to make human, animal, monster, or _____ characters? Why? elves. i am a slut for elves

🎨 6. When creating a character, do you come up with the visual concept or the written concept first? visual. making new designs is easy, writing is harder

📌 7. Do you have characters that you know you’ll never use, but can’t bear to get rid of/recycle? all of my characters that arent members of lyiern (im slowly cycling them in though)

💖 8. Is there a character that embodies your good traits, or traits you wish you had? i dont think so

🖤 9. Is there a character that embodies your bad traits? Several characters? Which ones and what traits? haha all of them. prolly

♨️ 10. Is there a character that explores your interests or fetishes (orrrr is that just all of you characters)? its prolly a 50/50 split

✒️ 11. If you have characters that embody certain traits of yours—good or bad—has writing them changed how you view those traits? Has it affected you in any way? yea but like, shh

💭 12.  Do you fantasize about being any of your characters, or are you more detached? yea. tbh the last morhbacher is p much a self insert at this point

🎵 13. Do you create playlists for your characters? nah. im too lazy for that, and it would require me cleaning my itunes up

🎇 14. When writing for specific characters, is there anything you have to do to get into the right mindset? nah, it just sorta happens

🌻 15. Which character is your guilty pleasure? none? all? idk

🌩 16. Is there a character of yours who’s a real struggle to write/draw? Why do you think that is? efonay. just. why did i do this

🔑 17. Which character is the easiest to draw/write? bryn. she just comes naturally to me

💎 18. Is there anything you really wish you could do, character-design-wise, that you feel is outside your current skillset? A concept that you wish you could pull off but are uncertain about? i want more diverse characters and more authentic and detailed armor

🏆 19. What’s more important to you: visual design, unique personality, a trendy character aesthetic, etc? If you’re not sure, then what’s the first thing you usually nail down in a character? not sure, but i normally solidify the visual design first

🎬 20. Do you ever plan to do anything (comic, animation, etc) with your characters? Or are you just happy to have them? imma publish a few books on lyiern and just want as much as possible to be published about it. i want everyone to love my children as much as i do

#nabdea