What if your unmasked self is unacceptable even to other autistics? I feel like if I don't carefully curate myself I'm too weird and annoying to sustain friendships even with other weirdos. This thing where unmasking makes people like you more because it's more ~authentic~ just hasn't been true for me and it makes me really sad.
Well, what does "weird" and "annoying" mean in this case? In unmaskers I frequently see a lot of understandable social trauma playing out in, let's just say, not the most socially effective of ways at times. No longer mindreading and people pleasing and fawning is all to the good; becoming completely unfiltered while still harboring a ton of deep-seated fear of abandonment and then spilling it out all over people will understandably drive them away. No longer faking emotions and tone of voice preserves energy and helps us feel more genuine, but never putting any energy into trying to understand a friend's interests or emotions will kill a friendship.
There is a messy counterbalancing that has to occur for many unmaskers; at first we focus on never doing anything false and allowing our unbridled selves to roam free -- and then we often recognize that we will need certain self-advocacy, listening, communication, and even diplomacy skills to actually relate to other people, even while remaining true to who we are.
It's normal for the unmasking process to initially seem like it's making you harder to love, more annoying, more bizzaree -- that's a necessary corrective to having previously aimed to make yourself unremarkable or widely liked.
But if you find yourself repeatedly socially alienating even out and proud neurodivergent people, it may be worth asking whether you are taking actions that are pushing them away. Things like interrupting people when they are trying to open up to you, invalidating their feelings, seeking reassurances that no other person can provide, not interacting, self-victimizing, just generally hurtful interpersonal stuff that us traumatized folks sometimes do even in community with one another. If this is the case, you will have to work on accepting the feedback when people are kind enough to tell you that you're bothering them or disrespecting them -- it is not the end of the world, it is a habit you can notice and correct.
Or you might just still be withdrawing and inhibiting very hard, and doing self-protective things that convey to others that they should give you a wide berth. Lots of unmaskers give off really strong "dont talk to me dont come up to me i feel socially unsafe right now" vibes that are completely honest and authentic to where they are at the moment, even if they wish they could seem more welcoming. Please give yourself some grace to feel all that if that's what it is.
No one is too weird or too annoying to make friends. But you might need to find the people who are weird enough and mad enough and disabled enough for you. Alternatively, you might have some interpersonal baggage that affects how you treat others you still need to work on. Or your internalized disability stigma might just be telling you that youre being too much when youre barely taking up social space at all.
You know your pattern of experiences and the feedback others have given you, so hopefully you can sort out what is currently missing in your social life based on that and some reflection and more testing. Good luck and let me know what you figure out.
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I'm baffled at the way Normal men 99% of the time insist in their online profiles, not just dating profiles but everywhere, that they spend all of their time outdoors like, riding ATVs and fishing and hiking and playing tennis.
and then every photo is a really terrible picture of them doing one of those things, obviously on a vacation or tourism or something. first of all everyone knows you're lying, actual outdoor people don't talk about it constantly because it's just normal for them and they dont look like tourists in the photos they post. and secondly that is not attractive to women. it's not unattractive to women either, except to the ones who really think about it and realize hey wait a minute this guy's fake lifestyle sounds exhausting, I don't want to spend every weekend on a speed boat. it's just unremarkable, even if true. why are you telling me this. specifically why are you taking the trouble to lie to me about this.
I think it's because Normal guys are excessively neurotic about their lack of personality, whether real or imagined, and think Sport is the correct filler foam to plaster over the void. some women do this too but it's only the ones who are bad at online personality presentation and have also concluded that Outside is an interesting personality trait (again, it's not, and I say this as a passionate outside-liker). millions of Americans lying about going hiking thirty hours a week. but where did they get this idea. it's not on TV, TV characters don't hike or ATV or tennis a lot. it's not from other real people, i haven't overheard or been involved in IRL conversations where people expressed any genuine interest in Outside as personality trait. I've seen people and TV refer to the trope of the Healthy Person who supposedly exercises and is outside all the time, but they are generally presented as either uptight or annoying to be around.
it's like we've all gotten the idea that the Outside Person is desirable to be, without actually desiring an Outside Person ourselves. The outside person is an archetype we have agreed is correct for presentation to strangers but only after several layers of abstraction.
I think actually it is just wealth signaling. influencers lie about being Outside all the time because it's a lifestyle we imagine for wealthy people who can choose their location and activities because we imagine ourselves to be Virtuous people who would choose wholesome healthy athletic pursuits if we had all the money in the world. and rich people/influencers lie about being outside all the time to complete the mental circuit of aspirational bullshit. I'm typing this on the toilet btw
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Argyle as Steve's bi realization, hear me out.
Steve is used to a certain amount of confusing feelings for people after a lot of close contact, high stress apocalypse stopping. There was the first time with Nancy (and wow Jonathan is actually a pretty cool dude, if he changed his hair a little, maybe stopped taking creep pictures in the woods he could be a really fun to hangout with).
And then there was the second time, and that hurt a little bit more cause Nancy is still just as great. Even when she's moving straight on to Jonathan, who really is just a great dude he's really come into his own and he's got kind eyes even if they are staring at Nancy all the time. It's probably just the residual heartache. Some weird things getting tied up with the only two not children that know about monsters too.
But then there's the third time with Robin. And Steve finally thinks he's figured out what's going on. It's like when you take a girl to a horror movie on the first date, only times a million. Your heart rate is up and your adrenaline is through the roof. Of course he's imprinted on any age appropriate person he's near. He probably did love Nancy, Robin is definitely the platonic love of his life, and that definitely explains all the weird feelings he still sometimes has when he's around Jon for too long. It's all just crossed wires in his traumatized, concussed brain.
By the fourth go around he's got it all figured out. Sure, Eddie is objectively, pretty attractive. Sure, he's great with kids which is like Steve's number one desirable trait he looks for. He's funny, he's got a great smile, he's constantly in Steve's space. But the swoopy feeling in his stomach, the dizzy light headedness. That's all adrenaline and blood loss. Robin isn't an option, he's already done this too many times with Nancy, his brain has found the default all that's left is Eddie Munson. But wow, big boy, that one is… something.
So when all is said and done; and Eddie has claimed to see angels and they all look like Steve Harrington -- he does giggle a little at that, feels the strange urge to kick his feet or twirl his hair. But he's just excited that he's got a new age appropriate friend and that they all made it out mostly unscathed. Any and all blush inducing thoughts and feelings can be easily explained away by the waning stress of a traumatic event and the lingering joy that fuck they really did make it out this time.
But then in the quiet, as the dust settles and they all do their best to find normal again. Jonathan has brought Argyle home to Hawkins.
Argyle who has the nicest hair Steve has ever seen. Whose first words to him are, "Dude, that is a righteous mane you're rocking, do you use oils in your routine cause I really think they'd take you to the next level." Argyle, who manages to convince Dustin 'picky eater' Henderson to try fruit on his pizza. Argyle, who made the best brownies Steve has ever eaten and helped him get high for the first time in nearly a year.
There's no adrenaline to blame this time, no lingering apocalypse.
"Robin, I need to talk to you."
He pulls her away from the rest of the older teen party as quick as he can. Nervous and confused and panicked and excited. For once in their friendship she lets herself be tugged along without complaint, understanding instinctively that this is about to be a bathroom conversation.
"You know how Vickie likes both, guys and girls."
"We do not know that, but I remember your theory."
"Well, she definitely does and I'm pretty sure I do too."
"Oh my god, Steve," she stretches his name out until it echoes, "really, I'm so proud of you. That's so great, wait , who was it? How'd you realize? Oh my gosh was it-"
"-Eddie." "Argyle." they say the names in sync.
"Argyle?" "Eddie?" In sync again even their confusion matches.
"Oh God, Eddie," and with a, mostly, clear head things do start making more sense. Eddie, who is co-parenting the kids with him. Eddie, who always makes sure Steve doesn't neglect his own needs in favor of the rest of the group. Eddie, who watched Steve and Lucas play a pickup game last weekend even though he clearly didn’t get the rules past ball in basket. Eddie, who has been reading Lord of the Rings to him over the phone when the nightmares keep them both awake and they can feel razored teeth and barbed tails clawing at their skin. Eddie, who still hasn't gotten his vest back because the thought of losing it makes something hot and tight clench in Steve's chest. "Robin, Eddie!"
Robin, for her part looks relieved, "Thank God, I did not know how to tell you that I'm pretty sure that Argyle was gonna be another partner Jonathan beat you out for."
And with that name comes another realization, "Oh my god, Robin I had a thing for Byers." He can see the laughter threatening to break through and as the giggles start he actually processes what she said, "wait, Jon and Argyle, really?"
She pushes down her laughter, "Yeah, pretty sure the two of them and Nancy are having a little ménage à trois, if you get my meaning."
"Yeah that French I do know."
Robin let's them sit on the cold tile of his bathroom floor, processing and just sharing each other's company. She let's Steve find just a moments peace before she says, "You know this means you've had a thing for everyone in that room, right?"
He lets her guide him into laughing, just like they laughed together in the Starcourt bathroom. It's easier than getting embarrassed. And anyway she's right, as always, and that feels like a crisis for after he's figured out what to do about his new Eddie problem.
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You know, I think what really bugs me about the "Dadworth" dynamic applied to Kay and Edgeworth's relationship is that it usually makes Kay out to be this hyperactive, slight problem child (in the 'stealing and pranking' sense rather than the 'moody and abrasive' sense), occasionally with deep-rooted daddy issues like Edgeworth has, when that's... the opposite of her character.
(This post got away from me, so TL;DR: Kay is a quick-witted and independent young woman who has worked very hard to be both emotionally and practically intelligent enough to be seen as a legitimate successor to her father's legacy. Making her out to be the traits mentioned above, so she functions as Edgeworth's daughter rather than his investigative partner and equal, undermines her character and semi-conflates her with Maya [the deep-rooted issues bit]. Also I don't like it wksgskaj)
Kay is very, very sharp.
The thing about Kay is that she's not actually in the series as much as it feels like she is, which makes it easy for her character to be altered to suit the needs of the story (which I think happens in The Forgotten Turnabout, but I won't talk about that here). She turns up in two cases as herself in AAI (as in, teenager Kay whom we're most familiar with) and shares her role with Gumshoe, Ema and Franziska when she does, lessening her appearances even further. Nevertheless, there are still concrete elements to her personality that we're made aware of right from the beginning, and the first major one which I feel gets overlooked in favour of her hyperactive characterisation is this:
In terms of mainline assistants, I'd consider her the sharpest of all (maybe after Trucy? But I don't remember enough of AJ to comment on that). Yes, she's shown to be reckless and impulsive, but, when it comes to actual investigating and reasoning, she is solid. With Nick and Maya, you sometimes get the impression that they're both fumbling along until Phoenix catches on (most of the time with Maya's usually a little accidental help, and he still has to explain things to her near every time [not Maya's fault. Following Phoenix's reasoning is like being on a rollercoaster in a minecart]), but Kay is very rarely like that with Edgeworth. Within minutes of meeting him, she can predict what he's going to say (or 'steal his lines', as the game puts it), and there are several moments after he uses Logic and is about to explain what he's connected where Kay interrupts with the correct conclusion herself:
Edgeworth: A second Blue Badger that shouldn't exist... Clearly, the true identity of the person underneath is...
Kay: Oh, I know! It's one of the kidnappers, right!?
There's even a point where she tells him off for overexplaining things to her:
Kay: Yeesh, I told you I got it! Do you feel the need to explain everything!?
And, near the end of their first case together, he acknowledges that's she's generally quite quick:
Kay: OK, what should I re-create first?
Edgeworth: ...You haven't figured it out yet?
Kay: Heh, maybe I have, and maybe I haven't.
Even if you don't take these points into consideration, the fact that she comes up with a new way to use Little Thief, and knows how to use it at all actually, shows you that she's a really intelligent girl! Continuing on a bit from the point I made earlier about her being brash, Kay may be reckless, but she isn't irresponsible. Whenever she rushes into situations, she doesn't expect other people to come save her; she's quite assured that she can and will get herself out of them on her own, and, if she needs help, she asks for it in advance. She treats Edgeworth less like her guardian and more like her investigative partner:
Kay: I didn't get permission to enter Allebahst... so we're going to go gather whatever info we can over on the Babahlese side, OK!?
Edgeworth: Alright, I'm counting on you two.
Kay: Right, and I'm counting on you and Ms. von Karma to sniff out clues in Allebahst!
...
Edgeworth: A number of pieces connect in a very complicated way in this case... It's almost enough to make one completely mentally exhausted.
Kay: Let's not over-complicate matters, OK, Mr. Edgeworth? We've been so focused, like a laser, on only what seems strange and out of place... it's no wonder nothing's clicked and we haven't unlocked anything yet. But, if we think things through calmly, the answer should come to us!
There's an independence to her proactiveness that kind of forces Edgeworth to meet her on equal grounds, and this too is an element that gets lost when the Dadworth dynamic comes in because it involves making Edgeworth responsible -- or feel responsible -- for her actions and general wellbeing when Kay has never expected nor wanted that. She does things on her own terms, and she walks the path she's chosen by herself:
Edgeworth: Preposterous! On what grounds do you suspect her of such a thing!?
Shih-na: The fact that she calls the Yatagarasu. That in itself is a more elegant proof.
Kay: Ms. Shih-na.
Shih-na: Yes?
Kay: I... have no intention of taking back any of what I've said.
Shih-na: ...?
Kay: I am the Great Thief Yatagarasu. And I refuse to allow some imposter to claim that name as their own! The path of justice that my father pointed me towards... I will walk it the best I can!
Her relationship with Edgeworth works as an inverse to that of Nick and Maya's in the way that, where Nick and Maya have deep respect for one another beneath layers upon layers of playful insults and messing about, Kay outwardly respects Edgeworth first (and expects that respect to be returned) and razes him second -- that, too, never to an extent she wouldn't with anyone else or that crosses a certain boundary. Her messing with Edgeworth is shown to be more an attempt to get him to lighten up or not take himself too seriously than an act of (platonic) intimacy as it is with Nick and Maya (which makes sense because Nick and Maya have spent years together, while she's known Edgeworth for all of two weeks) or genuine obliviousness/silliness (although it definitely sometimes is). This is pretty obvious simply from the fact that she always calls him 'Mr Edgeworth', though she's perfectly comfortable calling Gumshoe and Badd, people whom she is more familiar and comfortable with, 'Gummy' and 'Uncle Badd' respectively. Also Kay, in general, is quite polite? Edgeworth calls something she said rude at one point and she gets insulted, and, when you ask for her opinion, she doesn't go 'What?' or 'What is it?', she specifically says, 'Yes?' (this changes in AAI2, which I promise I'm not discussing here) Upon meeting Oldbag, she has this exchange with her, where Kay chooses a more formal mode of address than what is actually offered:
Oldbag: My name is Wendy Oldbag. But you can call me "Wendy", or "Granny", or whatever suits your fancy.
Kay: Nice to meet you, Ms. Oldbag! I'm Kay Faraday.
She's also had moments where she calls Edgeworth out for being 'tactless', and she's shown to feel very strongly about rudeness throughout the whole game. I'm not saying she isn't mischievous or playful, she very much is, but the point is that she's really quite respectful, and this extends to her relationship with him. Her characterisation in Turnabout Ablaze, where she's considerably more excitable/high-strung than in Kidnapped, seems largely due to them chasing down Calisto Yew. Edgeworth even comments on this:
Edgeworth: Kay, you need to look before you leap. You tend to lose your cool when it comes to anything related to that woman.
Generally, though, you can tell that she was obviously raised with an adherence to certain formalities. She's not looking for another parental figure (because she doesn't need one, which I'll go into after this), but, if she was, she'd make that clear.
Kay's a very straightforward person at heart; she doesn't hide any part of herself, even the part that should be hidden (i.e. the Yatagarasu). There are points where she suggests that Edgeworth reminds her of her father, but, in AAI, she specifically mentions that it's both Edgeworth and Gumshoe who remind her of her father and Detective Badd. It's not about her seeing Edgeworth as a father figure; it's about their and her own dedication to the truth. Even in AAI2, where her comments could be read as leaning more towards the former angle, she doesn't get cut up about him not picking up on that or really paying it much emphasis at all, because it doesn't matter. The fact that he reminds her of Byrne is just that: a fact.
Returning to the point about Kay not needing/wanting another parental figure, I think it's pretty self-explanatory, but to put it succinctly: Kay has the guidance she needs without him.
To put it less succinctly, Edgeworth's possibly the worst candidate to go for for emotional support and guidance in the first place, and by the time she meets him again, she's basically processed her father's passing and has a better handle on herself emotionally than Edgeworth does (not a brag; most characters have higher EQ than Edgeworth); what she wants isn't necessarily closure for Byrne's death in the emotional sense but in the I-want-answers-to-this-mystery-that-will-restore-my-family's-honour sense. You could make the argument that Kay becoming the second Yatagarasu and shaping her entire future around continuing her father's work prove that she isn't over his death, but I don't think that's true and more of a result of conflating her with Maya a bit.
With Maya, becoming the Master isn't something she chooses; it's given to her by Misty and Mia. With Kay, it's the opposite. Kay's decision to become the Yatagarasu and pursue the truth is wholly her own, and her approach to that goal reflects that. While Maya uses her cheery, upbeat attitude to conceal a lot of self-doubt and vulnerability (and Franziska does the same with her hostility), Kay does not. Her cheerfulness is precisely who she is; it's not a mask so much as it is a distraction. It keeps people from looking at her too closely and realising exactly how capable she is, and, while I don't think it's fully intentional (again, she believes in living her life in a straightforward and upfront manner), she does imply that it's sort of her (or the Yatagarasu's) MO:
Kay: Well! By the time everyone notices, it's already gone! That's the Yatagarasu way!
Interestingly enough, this unintentional tactic of using humour and cheeriness as a distraction from her abilities makes her a mirror to Calisto Yew, who also uses her seemingly always light-hearted nature as a disguise for what she's actually capable of (Calisto's joviality is her true self, too, or at least as 'true' as she can get). The difference between them is that Calisto delights in ironically mocking the world around her, whereas Kay finds joy in life itself, and she's stronger for it.
The only part where we see Kay attempt to mask her feelings is when she's a child, and even then she admits that she feels better after crying, which, I believe, led to her becoming more open with her emotions later in life (see how her older self has a teary sprite which makes pretty frequent appearances where her younger self does not). In any case, to me, this shows that she has people in her life already who are helping, and have helped, her confront and process her trauma. She's not looking to Edgeworth to help her make sense of her father's death and she definitely isn't looking for a replacement (again, literally dedicated to continuing her father's [and Badd's] legacy). Whenever Edgeworth even gets close to becoming parental with her, she dismisses it, unless she acknowledges that she is in the wrong:
Edgeworth: ...Kay, it's not good for you to stay up late, you know.
Kay: Yes, gramps!
...
Edgeworth: ...I appreciate your sense of justice, however... I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go running into the heart of any more raging fires.
Kay: Nngh... Yes, Mr. Edgeworth... I'll try...
Despite her buoyancy and bright attitude, Kay is quite firm that she be treated as an adult (she doesn't see her cheeriness as a mark of youth; it's joie de vivre, it's who she is, and that's that), and, throughout the game, she gets annoyed when people don't respect that (her arguments with Lang are largely over how he calls Little Thief a toy and her crow-girl). She holds her own and relies on herself while being unafraid of asking for help.
Anyway, this post has gone on for long enough and I think I've addressed the points I wanted to. I should mention that I realise that a lot of how many people portray/interpret their relationship is validated by AAI2 but that's honestly a discussion for a separate post HAHA I feel like, when it comes to AAI, the father/daughter interpretation can maybe be argued with regards to the way Edgeworth treats her? Honestly, though, I think he'd treat any young lady who suddenly becomes part of his team/responsibility in pretty much the same way. And, like, he drops the ball almost every time he's supposed to give "fatherly" advice because he's just not that great with it/children!! It's actually hilarious HSKSDHSK
Either way, yeah! I just think Kay is actually given a lot less credit than she's due when the Dadworth card gets played and I just! Want better for her!!
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