#i dont know what my goal should be now tbh but i'll figure something out

[my-lunaberg]

I think it's a bit naive to say messaging doesn't matter with something with a big of an audience as the dsmp, if a story with a Big following ends up with "actually the abuser was right and deserved an apology" I think it's not. Good.

To start off, Im assuming youre here from my more c!Tommy-centric analysis where I only briefly referenced another post of mine at the start, since thats the one that just gained an influx of notes, here is that post so you can read about my thoughts in more detail before we proceed

Now, the way you phrase that does make it sounds awful, however I hope you dont mind if I just keep watching and then give you my thoughts after I watched the finale myself. I dont mean to make it sound like I dont trust you, random stranger on the internet, but I know exactly how A Certain Brand Of Fandom People react to antagonistic characters and how those people also tend to make certain things they disliked out to be much worse than they actually were because theyre upset. Which is fine, Im not trying to say that anyone who was upset by the ending on a personal, emotional level is wrong or anything because that would be shitty and honestly just ridiculous lol

So yeah, I'll do my best to save my thoughts until Ive actually watched the finale and youre just gonna have to be a bit patient until then I guess

I do want to address the point about it being bad specifically because it has a big audience because I respectfully disagree and just think its kinda silly tbh. Im a pretty big fan of the Black Butler franchise, for the sake of this discussion I'll only focus on the first season of the anime (which was clearly originally conceptualized as the only season). If you asked me to tell you what the message of Black Butler, the first season of the anime was, I would say its "You should kill yourself! You should have exactly one (1) goal in life and you should try and achieve as soon as possible and the second youve achieved it, you should just die". However, Black Butler is a piece of media for teens at the very least and if youve read the post I linked (which I trust you have, because I trust that you are trying to have an honest discussion with me here) then you should know my thoughts about "messages" in for-teens-and-above media and you can basically just insert them here. It doesnt matter if it was popular and ended up "spreading a harmful message" to a large audience because that audience was trusted to recognize that the protagonist is by no means an aspirational figure, but a tragic one. No one would kill themselves just because a popular anime romanticized suicide in a round about way, if they did something as serious as killing themselves there were already underlying issues. If someone feels the need to apologize to their abusers, there are underlying issues, the minecraft roleplay isnt going to effect them that much. And just like Ciel, the protagonist of Black Butler, is clearly not an aspirational figure and the creators trust the audience to recognize that, Tommy, the severely traumatized guy with bad self esteem issues who consistantly forgave the people who treated him like shit and felt bad for 'betraying' the guy who ended up blowing up his home down to bedrock, is clearly not an aspirational figure either and the creators trust their audience to recognize that as well

Thanks for reading, I hope I explained myself well

#i feel like I ended up sounding kinda angry or passive agressive here #and i do apologize #its just that i feel very strongly about this and i see bad takes surrounding topics like this all the time #so my frustrastion ends up bleeding through #discourse #ask moment

[deuce-duce]

So, after thinking about the way things have unfolded over the last couple of weeks I have established what my life work would be. Am I going to change the world... am I the second coming... am I a world famous gay pornstar.... ya know these are all things that i have never said to anyone but yet others believe that is my intent! My goal with all of this is to establish the groundwork so that no one and I mean NO ONE ever has to go through the things I have while the entire world sits there and watches.... funding the madness. I've mentioned before maybe not here and maybe nowhere public before but this world will chew you up and spit you out...! Now after partially digested im supposed to function on the same level as everyone else. Hmmm well I guess i get hints and clues about who's going to help and who's just setting me up... one of the main arguments of the opposing side is that i was just after their money so i made up this giant lie to get them in trouble and make them cough it up! No body ever got in trouble they just used an isolated incident i was justified in filing as the excuse to start this manipulative famous people money grab!!

When working on a hempfarm about 1.5 years ago I was approached with 2 questions... the first was if I would sell my soul for 10's of thousands of dollars... my response was only tens of thousands...??? Obviously my answer was no never no matter the amount!! On a different occasion I was not really presented with a question but more of an insult saying what do you think your special...?? And thinking about that initially I though no im not I should have to work for any and everything I want and need in life. Then over the last year and a half with countless opportunities continually passing me by i sat there and contemplated what the fuck is wrong with me!! I know what your thinking... you have to be queer!! Right?! I know I was thinking the same thing! Or maybe I am fucking special!!?? I didnt reach the level I am at today by not being special... right?! Why tune in then right?? If I'm just like everyone else then why tune in?? I really dont understand what the attraction is. Making this unknowing the reason I initially wrote this post the day I said fuck everyone!! Why i was stopped or told not to i still can't figure out. But it obviously wasn't by someone who wanted to help. I say that because the people that want to help gave no idea what i write before its posted... so then why... i was even told a few times today that I should stop! Thats all that was said... STOP!! you know how many times i have asked them to stop!! Over and over again and then some more!! And more!! But to no avail i never get anything i want!! A guy I used to rent from told me one time why don't you enjoy your life... and i though about that?? Like I guess i do get a lot of opportunities then I came to the conclusion of ya know the sad thing is when you might be too fucked up to enjoy what's laid out in front of you. Not only that but whats expected in order to obtain said opportunities just isn't how your wired... not that you weren't at one point but that you just aren't anymore... so that obviously means I'm a queer. So be it!! Its not like you honestly thought any different before meeting me... so why the sudden change of ❤ now?? It really doesn't matter to me tbh I have a feeling no one will ever think out of the box enough to get my attention so I'll just keep gawking as you walk by. "Making the same mistakes hoping that you'll understand..." is it frustrating for me knowing I lack in areas where everyone else has no difficulty or just has everything handed to them... (money, power, prestige...) watch God's Not Dead and then tell me why you think that is... or at least how its described in that movie makes a lot of sense to me.

Its been 4 years since this claim to fame began. Im tired exhausted and won't mind being alone on a deserted island the rest of my life. I remember when I first started posting I mentioned I really never wanted to tell the story and make myself a victim of circumstance. It just finally got to the point where it was apparent this was never going to get better unless I stood up for myself and fought back. Now at this point all I have are my words while I'm sure you see and experience on a daily basis the different types of abuse I experience mentally and physically and yet im being told to stop posting my thoughts and life events that have happened to me??!! Why is that??!! Ill let you be the judge. Hence the reason why I don't act on any clues or hints from either side good or bad... because if something were real it would be in my hands. The funny thing is that when I have gone to psych wards and they diagnose me with their schizo active or undefined schizophrenia all the interference goes away! There's no more seas of colors or horn honking or anything resembling what we are seeing today. So is everything just a facade to make me stress out and worry that im letting people down that are trying to help me...??? Id say so! Thats why your efforts are rendered useless and I try not to let those things affect me. Besides you know what the primary symptom of schizophrenia is???? Deriving meaning out of normal everyday occurrenxes that would not have any meaning to anyone else. So by operating under these premises your just aiding in the psychological warfare... so call me an idiot all you want. Or just stop and let me deal with this bullshit the only way I know how... to forget it! If you want to help then fucking help!! Thats really all I have for tonight heres the post I promised!!

[meanderfall]

//tornadoes thru ur window, completely shattering the glass: for the writer meme, 5 - 6 - 8 - 10 - 15 - 21 - 25 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 34 - 36 - 39 - 45 - 47 - 48 - 49 - aaaand 50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you're like, "okay, i'll write you down u little fucker"? ALSO IM AWARE THIS IS A LOT, LMAOOO

LDJF;KFGSKGF ADRI MY LOVE, MY WIFE, MY KNIGHT, MY SUN AND MOON, THANK YOU OMG, I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR A NOVEL OF AN ANSWER LMAO

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

LMAO I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS CALCULATED PER HOUR just bc that’s how long my train ride is. So I can do about 400-500 words in 50~ minutes.anyway tbh, I write almost never, but when I do, I try to get around 1000 words done??? that’s usually when i lose steam too. (though i guess if i did 500 word spurts instead throughout the day, i’d get more done) (TO CLARIFY, the only reason it’s so much is bc i only write when I know /exactly/ what the scene is gonna be and im motivated. if u sat my ass down in front of a computer each day and told me to write, I’d probably only get 100 in two hours, less even.)

6.     Single or multiple POV?

I’m a multiple pov hoe. I’ve thought before of writing something in entirely one pov, but tbh i dont think i could do it if the thing is longer that a 2000 word one shot.

8.     Oldest WIP

I HAD TO PULL OUT MY USB FOR THIS GODDAMN

Okay so, my oldest wip ever, is an original story I started in, I think, 2011 and wrote throughout the year. It’s got about 22k words down, but tbh i dont think im ever gonna touch it again.fanfic-wise, my oldest wip is a harvest moon fanfic, that’s around 6k words i think? and i was planning on re-writing it bc i didnt like the characterization of one of the characters and i wanted to fix that, but it’s been like five years now, i dont think it’s ever gonna be done. (I still want to though). (and u can find said wip on my fanfiction.net account)

10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

My guy, i’ve never set a deadline for myself in my entire life. I think I tried to do it once, and i completely let it pass by. (Though the fanfic i mentioned previously, im pretty sure i updated once a week before i fucked up)

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

I either set it aside (and never pick it up again lmao) and let it stew in the back of my mind until I get something else, oR I POWER THROUGH THIS MOTHERFUCKER, and I’ll probably only write 50 words and hate every single last one of them, but I got it done and it’s better than nothing and hopefully tomorrow i’ll actually have something. (also, sometimes when powering through, what i write ends up inspiring me and im like “oh of course!” and i blaze through it)

21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?in case u havent noticed yet, about 99% of all my characters are snarky to some degree. I need a character with a wry sense of humour, and I’ll usually stay in their pov a lot. The only other character “type” I have are the sunshine pure cinnamon rolls who care and love everyone. Oh, and I guess also the ones who are pissed and bitter at the world at large. (I should.... probably... try to get out of this comfort zone...)

25.  Favourite part of writing

okay tbh, my favourite part is when I’m winding down from a good writing session, and I just feel so proud and alive, because I was productive and I created something with my own two hands and mind, and there are very few things that are as incredible as that imo

27.  Favourite line/scene

okay so this was hard to pick??? not to mention it’s all crap you’ve seen before but whatever.

There’s this one:

“McCreewas abruptly reminded of when he was nothing more than a teen, snarling andfurious at everyone around him, not willing to trust anyone. And he wasreminded of Gabriel Reyes who stayed calm and collected in front of his fury,gently rebuking him when he crossed a line; who praised him when he did welland willingly trusted him to have his back even though McCree didn’t trust him;who seemed to quietly understand why McCree acted in certain ways, accepted it,but encouraged him to choose better. Gabriel Reyes, who had faith in him whenhe wasn’t even sure he liked himself.“

And this one:

“IfWash’s head was a ghost town, then the Meta’s was a fucking wasteland.

Butthe worst part wasn’t the scorched earth and completely lifeless landscape, norwas it the stormy brown clouds above. No, the worst part was the lava that wasslowly inching its way up the mountain. It bubbled and simmered an awful sicklyorange as it creeped up bit by bit, not fast at all, but inexorably to the topof the mountain, going against all laws of physics. It was so awfully wrongthat he honestly felt sick witnessing it. Not helping was the sizzles it madeas it burned through whatever little vegetation there was and (he had no ideawhy he knew this, maybe it was because he was connected to the Meta’s brain?),it felt like the lava was actually gouging the earth, opening cracks andseeping inside, corrupting and destroying what lay within.

Wasthe Meta even a person anymore?”

(I proooobably would’ve picked something from the tuckington au but.... a lot of my favourite stuff is dialogue, or snarky narration, and idk it’s hard to choose and there aint a lot of depth to it)

28.  Favourite side character

OKAY THERE’S THIS ONE SIDE CHARACTER IN ONE MY ORIGINAL STORY IDEAS WHOM I ADORE (even though he has no name yet lmao) BUT HE’S BASICALLY REALLY SWEET AND CARING AND HE’S TRYING HIS BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR ALL HIS COMPANIONS BC THEY’RE ALL GOING THROUGH HARD TIMES, BUT IT’S REALLY HARD FOR HIM AND HE’S INWARDLY SUFFERING SO MUCH BUT HE KEEPS SMILING FOR PEOPLE ANYWAY AND FLDG;DKHGFKG I LOVE HIM

29.  Favourite villain

I’m... cheating for this, I’ve never written a villain ever actually (and tbh what the fuck??? how??? i have so many original story ideas and none of them are villains??? what the fuck (maybe the true villains were the friends we made along the way))

okay so, originally, this character was gonna be the villain alright. She was mean, cruel, snarky, cunning, and manipulative. But as time went on, and I started exploring her character, wondering why she was like this, what her goal is, and I changed and shifted the plot of the story around she... sort of... became the main character. woops.

30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

IM ONLY GONNA USE ORIGINAL STORIES FOR THIS BC HOLY SHIT

Honestly, I’d probably have to go with this idea I had of a living person picking up the scythe of a Grim Reaper and becoming one and having to learn the ropes of the job.

Okay, I lied, it might actually be this detective series idea I had, wherein the main character, a police officer, has to investigate cases that, for the most part, are reminiscent, or re-imagined versions, of Quebec folk tales, and she has to figure out why the fuck this is happening.

34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?

FIGHTING AND ACTION SCENES I HATE THEM SO MUCH OH MY GOD THEY TAKE FOREVER AND I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FUCKING THEM UP HORRIBLY I HATE THEM (I could give u a specific example, but i dont want to)

36.  Last sentence you wrote

“Shut up.”

(this is actually how chapter 2 of my tuckington high school au ends lmao and there’s nothing to gain from it have fun adri)

39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever had

OH SHIT I ACTUALLY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, okay so the i have no clue where the idea came from, but for some reason i had this idea of a character who’s mental stability or whatever was linked to these bracelets she wore??? but it was more like she became more primal and animalistic the more bracelets were taken off until she lost all sense of identity, and i think it’s because she was being controlled or used by an organization or whatever. This was just a random idea that I had and okay i know it’s dark af, but it’s honestly the weirdest one. (tbh…. im not sure i have one that could be considered weird…)

45.  How much world building do you do?

all of it. just. all of it. I need to know clothes, food, architecture, cultural norms, the history of the world, how the fuck people can communicate when there are multiple countries and multiple languages, and this is why absolutely none of my original stuff has ever been written

47.  Best way to procrastinate

Day-dreaming scenes and ideas instead of writing them

48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

W O W ADRI U WANNA CALL ME OUT THAT BADLY HUH?

honestly it’s probably that main character/villain i mentioned previously, bc i just gave her all of my self-loathing and she was supposed to sacrifice herself heroically in the end and there was gonna be an entire speech about why she was the right person to do this. (if it makes u feel any better, I’ve modified it so she doesn’t actually die and everyone is like “wtf? NO!”)

also the protagonist in story, i just gave her my depression and general lostness in life. (most... of my characters... start off with a part of me I want to explore, but over time, as I flesh them out, they become their own people, and actually have nothing to do with me anymore tbh)

49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

THAT SWEET CINNAMON ROLL I MENTIONED BEFORE OMG YES, I WOULD PROTECT HIM WITH MY LIFE

50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you’re like, “okay, i’ll write you down u little fucker”?

*LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY* OH MAN ADRI U HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’VE JUST ASKED DO U OMG WAIT UNTIL U HEAR THIS

okay so u know that story with the cinnamon roll and main character/villain? The basic plot of that story has been in my brain since around 2011. I still haven’t started to write it. (though, to be fair, that story has changed so goddamn much since 2012 holy shit, and for the better tbh)

tbh adri, ur like 80% of my impulse control, and by that I mean you make me impulsive enough to actually write things instead of letting them ruminate in my brain forevermore. Hell, I’ve only started to get back into writing fanfiction because of you, okay, if u weren’t around I’d probably just give up on writing ever, and let the idea of being a novelist be nothing more but a fantasy i daydream about.

#aroacedrienne #about