#i dont know why i spend all this time making myself miserable but im so tired of it i wish it would end

[sorryimananti-romantic]

its quite strange. im seeing you in my dreams. and i dont know whether to dread falling asleep and waking up in a fantasy where we're together or look forward to it. i quite enjoy spending time with you in the land of dreams, where youre just as infatuated with me as i am with you. part of me says the pang of sadness once i wake up and realise its all a trick of my mind, that you'd never feel the same, that ill never be the one you look at with that love gaze, that ill never be her, is worth those small moments of interaction. but it isnt real. itll never be real. why do i hold onto the hope of you and i, when i know perfectly well it will never come true? but... cant a girl dream? but why do i dream of something that is bound to make me yearn and cry and wish for more when i wake? let me have my moments. let me dream... but im hurting myself with these hopes.

aaand the bell rang so i couldnt continue 😞

okok but srsly i dreamt of him last night and idk if i need to get over him b4 this crush of mine goes too far or enjoy the dreams ☹

(for a hot moment this clown (me) thought you were talking about me and i was like:

ignore that ^

assuming you're that green flag dude anon?? or talking about a real dude (if you're not and you're talking about some kpop idol pls take your anti-delulu pills you're welcome) he's appearing in your dreams omgg 😭 (that's bc you're thinking about him too much esp when you're about to sleep)

(also i'm stuggling a lot here the T in me is saying talk to him and you'll hate him bc real non-fictional men ew problem solved) BUT i hope you're interacting with him? it's no use crushing on someone and not doing anything about it that's just making yourself miserable. just talk to him, if you continue to find him attractive after you get to know him a little maybe shoot your shot? if he likes you back, yay! if not, then that's your cue to let it be i guess (or fight for it but this isn't the fanfic world it's different here 😭 whatever feels right ig)

or you could continue to enjoy the dreams as long as you don't forget your anti-delulu pills-- crushing on someone from far away is far less disappointing ig but maybe that's just me and my weird ass self-defence mechanism that doesn't even allow me to crush on someone in peace 😭😭

but i'm here if you want to talk about it more! warning tho i only give realistic practical advice, i don't feed delulus😔

#nah you had me in the first 8 halves ngl #hugs for you! #think this through and think with the brain #not the heart #heart part comes later? i think #i wouldn't know man im the most inexperienced here #but hopefully what i said made sense <3 #yumi.asks

[cambion-companion]

not sure if you've answered this but im digging myself deep into the targaryen family hole and I need your opinion.

do you think aemond is the father to Helenas children ? like talking cannonly his personality was all about doing his part as a prince, family oriented, mommy's boy blah blah blah and aegon is the total opposite. I dont think aegon genuinely has any romantic feelings for Helena so I can't imagine him bedding Helena at all let alone fathering her children.

also im thinking this may actually be cannon to the show because the show didn't show any any scenes with helenas children acknowledging aegon or spending time with him, but they showed the scene when the kids saw aemond and coincidently said 'father'... like why would the show runners include that ?

also cuz they made aemond killing Luke an accident. so I think they wanted the events of blood and cheese to hit so different because it means it was basically almonds fault that got his own kid killed and his 'lover' Helena killed as well. they gonna make our boy miserable.

I know this is probably a super overused question and an popular discussion but regardless, thoughts ?

Oh hi there! Thanks for this message, Anon :) Personally as a rule, I don't ship incestuous relationships since that's a big turn off for me. I think it was @aemonds-sapphire who pointed out it was actually Alicent's bedroom Aemond found her and Helaena and the kids in after Viserys died, when many assumed it was Helaena's room. Also the children saying "Aemond" or "father" is pure speculation and has not been confirmed.

I do not believe they are Aemond's children. In episode 7, Aemond says he would marry Helaena if "mother had only betrothed us". I don't see this as a brother lusting over his sister, more I see it as Aemond wanting to be dutiful to the Valyrian heritage he's very proud of and perhaps even save his sister from Aegon...who is already lecherous with the maid servants even in episode 7.

That being said, Aemond would not sire a bastard child. We know how he feels about the Strong boys, there's no way I can be convinced he would be alright with making illegitimate children with Helaena, even if it were kept secret. That's also why I believe Alys when she says Aemond made her his wife and that the son they had together was legitimate.

Blood and cheese makes sense with it still being Aegon's kid. "A son for a son" seems to be used a lot in favor of Helaemond as if it's the trump card against people who disagree. A son, Lucerys, for a son, Jahaerys (if I remember correct). Not a son of Rhaenyra so a son of Aemond. Daemon doesn't care if the son they kill in retribution is directly related, he just wants blood to spill...very in keeping with his character.

That being said, I do believe Aemond loves his sister. Wild I know. Not romantically, but as a brother should love his sibling just as he has tender affection for his mother. He is protective of Helaena and I'm sure wishes he could've saved her from marrying his ass of a brother.

Adding onto this real quick as an edit...the way Helaena visibly brightens when Aemond enters Alicent's room is something I love. The fact a lot of people want to translate each interaction between Aemond and Helaena as being so romantic and proof they are intimate really rubs me the wrong way. Can we please just enjoy a wholesome sibling relationship without turning it sexual? I get they are Targaryens but that doesn't mean every brother/sister duo are boning hahaha (watch the writers prove me wrong next season I stg). But I do fully believe Aemond is one of the only people Helaena trusts and loves dearly. He strikes me as being soft spoken to her, interested in her hobbies and understanding of her struggles.

(SPOILERS BIG BEWARE) I wouldn't be surprised if, like some have speculated, Helaena did throw herself out the window upon hearing of Aemond's death because of that news. He was probably one of the only people she was close to during her tragically short life. The combination of the blood and cheese trauma mixed with Aemond's death was just too much for the poor thing. Anyway, now I've made myself sad. (END SPOILER)

Ship whoever you want, I've seen DaemonxAemond and LucerysxAemond shippers and I'm not going to yuck on someone's yum.

#aemond targaryen #anti helaemond #house of the dragon #aemond one eye #aemond stannies #pro aemond targaryen #pro team green #hotd #game of thrones #prince aemond #hotd aemond

[l0viez]

May I request a reader who feels like they're falling behind in life? I feel this profound sadness when I realize others are further along where I want to be.

I'd like Kaeya for this one (And Zhongli if you have time).

Really sorry that im late for this! i had a busy scheduleT.T!, also sorry in advance if some of my writings is abit.. confusing? or not rlly that understandable! im still a newbie at these! This was in a rush so if i have some extra time ill rewrite and make it more better^^

This can be seen as romantic or platonic!💟

🗡️Kaeya! ;

Kaeya's first and honest reaction was .. kind of mixed

He felt abit little bitsy upset for the person you always look at and compare yourself too

He felt alot of concerned and sadness , concerned because of the fact you would stop talking or just go to your own world whenever you see them

He was very saddened over the fact you look and felt miserable just because of it

the first time he knew about your situation and what you were feeling these days

He felt guilty and mad at himself because he didn't get to manage to see it more earlier

Kaeya WILL visit you daily with flowers!

Theres are no ifs or buts

you will see him at the front door waiting for you

it will become a daily thing until you finally feel better again

(unless you want him to visit u everyday🤭! just request him xox)

Kaeya will be inviting you to tavern to make you feel calm down and to distract you from you feeling upset

knowing kaeya he will still tease you but he will lower it down too make sure it doesnt say anything to tigger you

he isnt a afraid to make himself look like a fool just to distract you and make you laugh

he will even skip some of works to hang out with you to distract you from all those stress or

a little headcannon : since he got em 💵💵💸 whatever your hobbies are he will buy you the items needed for your hobbies!

Cooking? you have a whole kitchen for yourself to make foods and make your own recipes!

Singing? He will rent out a whole year room just for you to sing, it has a mic and everything

Drawing? .. yeah he would probably ask albedo for some tips on what to buy good materials LMAO

Kaeya is the type of person who would distract, make you forget about your worries, spoils you rotten, be more 10x clingy, make you laugh during your bad times❤️

Kaeya is super supportive of you and respects your decisions but sometimes he worries to much for you thats why he's always looking out for you!

He will even take you to some sceneries or areas that you havent went before and explore abit !

he just wants to express his love to you and to tell you everyday that your more than good enough and that what ever you have or got is something to cherish for and that one day you will be like someone you idolize!

he will wait for you to succeed to the things you want to be in life, he will be there at your comfort <33

he's honestly so proud of you like he would be like "yess💅🏻thats my boyyy/girll!" (hes a silly lil goofy man dont mind him) if you ever surpassed or succeed on the things you want to be or you want to succeed in

(he would even throw a celebration on it too😭‼️)

He's that hype man you didn't ask for but still (thankfully) got/jk

(he gives me that "its us againist life"/jk im unfunny like cyno im sorry)

" Oh (n/n), took you long enough, almost thought Id have to spend this night by myself.. drinking (your favorite drink) by my self... Ow! that was a hard one — hey hey! I was just kidding you didn't have to hit me that hard haha.. here come sit with me! .. what's that? you still have work to do? heh. Your staying here with ME tonight. Relaxing! The night is young, how about you relax abit? Don't worry I'll help you with your problem tomorrow! Would it really kill you if you don't work for one day? "

His first reaction was most likey confused..

Dont blame the poor old man he is still learning

Ofc he would be also half upset bout it too

Cause like.. what his DEAR IS UPSET? HE is UPSET as well😤‼️

Zhongli would be so confused because like he will catch you looking down or feeling down

he would ask you if you were alright and you would tell him you were okay

but more days went by he FINALLY gets the clue

He brought you both to a fancy expensive looking restaurant (ofc childe payed for it)

When both of you got comfortable now

He legit straightward asked on what was goin on with you for the past few days

he would give you the most OBVIOUS things and asks you the most OBVIOUS things as well (his trying his best😭💔)

(but then again, I feel like he will get it already but he will act like he wouldn't just cause "communication is the key" and he didn't want to be rude and assume on what was going on so he has to make sure of it"!)

When you confessed on what was going on and how you felt down because of it

he will also visit you everyday like kaeya's! but no flowers.. well probably a pretty rock but who knows

he will use his wallet/childe to get you both in some fancy resturants whenever you both have spare times!

Zhongli would be like your spotify premium but instead of music he is like a radio.

He will tell you stories non stop to "distract" you from feeling upset

good thing his voice is calming

so while your doing your thing he would be talking in the background

Zhongli will probably even give you his specialty dish just for u<3

zhongli will be the type of person who likes to think that making things from your heart or homemade is more special that buying

(he just dont wanna admit he has no cash to buy you gifts/jk)

just like kaeya he would maybe take a day off to spend time with you

Instead of buying you newest items you wished you had, he will give you some items they used before when he was still a archon younger!

Unlike kaeya who likes to distract you and make your worries clear off ur mind, Zhongli will instead give you some "wise" advices on what you want to get good at and be more more supportive of your decisions!<3

He understands that there's a huge difference between a human and an archon but that won't stop him from giving all his best to help you get what you think its missing from you‼️

He's that "proud father" or "proud old grandpa"

He's more layback and chill than kaeya, like he will also tell you to relax and to not overwork yourself as well

If you manage to overcome or succeed or surpassed the people that you used to look at with sadness

Zhongli will most likey to celebrate that and even invite some people from liyue!

He will even take you on a peacefully calming date while you tell him about what happened

Zhongli is willing to listen to you 24/7

he will probably request you to do your hobbies or the things you love infront of him

and he will even act dense about it (sly mf)

" Greetings (Y/n) , I have some plans for us to visit somewhere special. Ah ah. *holds your hand* don't even think about going back and overworking youself now. You don't have to rush yourself always you know? Im worried about you, you might even get a fever from thinking too much.If you ever need someone to comfort you I'll be there at your call now.. I ordered us some relaxing tea at Yanshang Teahouse, let us go and grab it shall we?

This is just a little bonus message, if you ever feel sad about people who are futher along where you want to be in. Remeber to not pressure yourself to becoming a "improved" you. to not overwork youself for it. Don't be hard on your self because sooner or later you will be on the top or be the version you wanted to be. Dont rush and try to have fun along the way and to stay safe always<3.!

#genshin impact #genshin #kaeya alberich #zhongli #genshin impact x reader planotic #genshin impact x reader #fluff? #comfort #crack #not the drugs tho- #kaeya genshin #kaeya x reader #zhongli genshin impact #rex lapis #old man #zhongli x reader #genshin x reader #liyuegenshin #mondstadt

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

#tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #tw queerphobia #tw misgendering

[baby-yaga]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

#dead dad saga

[student-in-nightraven]

hii, could i rq a matchup with anyone from obey me, twst or kamisama kiss? ☆⌒ヽ(*'､^*)

im a bi girl, 5'3, intp-t 4w5 + aquarius, id say im some kind of ambiverted like 60% awkward-reserved-anti-social introvert and 40% chaotic, rambly, all over the place, once i start i dont stop extrovert?? depends on my mood i think (˘∀˘) for some random traits i'm erratic, eccentric, conscientious, creative, empathetic, unserious, sarcastic, not a team player and definitely come across as strange to literally anyone not used to me

hmmmm some hobbies i have are baking, writing, editing and arts + crafts (drawing, painting, making my own random stuff like candles, soap, stickers) - very practical very fun 🧝‍♀️ i also like gaming when i have time which is basically always bc im lazy and hate work, i leave everything last minute and procrastinate so much bc i and i'd rather be doing what i want instead of boring stuff 😒👎 it all ends up rushed and low effort unless im passionate abt it. probably why i'm also never on time but that's also bc i love sleeping

if i had to pick a label for whatever my style's supposed to be {bc i just dress in whatever looks good tbh} i'd say a hybrid of grunge and indie maybe💪😘 i take pride in my dress sense actually i think its gojus (μ_μ)

i have collections/mini collections of a couple things - plushies, crystals, stickers, bracelets and i keep anything and everything people might give me, i've done it as long as i can remember, like not even gifts just if someone gives me a rock or a piece of stationery or origami etc it'll be in my possession forever i'm too sentimental to get rid of anything, i have so much scattered everywhere it's unfunny 🧍‍♀️ i think my love languages are physical affection bc i love closeness altho im crap with emotional stuff but words of affirmation and mushy fluffy stuff can be pretty neat {even if it's embarrassing and awkward xox} + gifts bc i love buying myself stuff and receiving presents, i also like giving them but i feel like i'm spending too little or too much or compare it to what they give back to me and feel like it's not good enough or what they'd want bc i'm usually either too stingy or spend too much and think too much + feel bad when it feels like i don't give back to people as much as they give to me in any sense?? | (• -•)|

i love purple, literature, rock/pop/dance/techno music, space, halloween, history, things that smell nice/scented stuff, philosophy, nature, horror, psychology, fantasy, sweet/sour/salty foods, and animals {especially my bunnies ofc, my pride and joy <3} so im working towards becoming a vet bc im good w science and i'd definitely rather look after them than humans bc i am not a people person i'd fail miserably xox

i don't like ppl who are ignorant or inconsiderate bc they're annoying and punchable, my family, the ocean bc it's scary and doing embarrassing stuff which tbh is basically everything smh

anyways i tried to condense whatever i could think of LMAO but i cba to do anymore 💀💌 thank u!!

The Kamisama requests always make me happy:')

I match you with..

..

...Mizuki!

The most gentle and sweet lover in the whole world.

He matches you like CRAZY, soulmates real;

Loves being chaotic with you, getting caught up in shenanigans and being lovey dovey with you;

He just randomly snuggles up to you whether it's in his snake form or human form, if snake form let's out occasional cute bloops that you die for, he also does the cute snake yawn, he knows it's cute and he's doing it on PURPOSE;

I hc that mizuki is great at portraits and has painting sessions with you in which you 2 paint in peace and show eachother the piece;

You teach him how to properly bake so that he doesn't drop lizards in almost everything you bake-

"but-but it's for good luck:("

"Mizuki, no"

He encourages you not wanting to work and lazes off with you, if for no reason Tomoe comes over he annoyingly comments on how as your familiar mizuki shouldn't encourage this but who listens to him;

Spends mornings sleeping in with you, if you have to go to school he'll just transform into his snake form and accompany you there!

Loves your collection of crystals and other things, so he finds the most beautiful crystals just for you♡

Loves your bunnies and cradles them in his hands, your basically a family, your bunnies have a dad now;

So in all he's the perfect match for you, the most peaceful and loveable relationship ♡⁠˖

Thank you for the request dear annon! May you have a wonderful week<3

#x reader #matchups #mizuki x reader #kamisama kiss #kamisama kiss x reader #kamisama kiss mizuki #Kamisama kiss mizuki x reader #mizuki x reader kamisama kiss

[shedidntevenswear]

do you have any advice for someone 23 years old who doesn't know what to do with their lifes im in my last year of collage i study something i knew would give me a 'easy' job and that i would be close to home and most of the times i was okay with imagine myself working and giving that money to help my family and come home and that's it but lately i been feeling it may not be enough? does that feeling go away? i always loved arts but where I live was impossible and tbh i'm not sure what i love

🥹🥹🥹🥹 i love that you asked me this i feel like the wise old grandma of tumblr

So first of all I will say there’s really no deadline for figuring out what you want, and you’re allowed to change your mind and chase new opportunities whenever you want! Easier said than done when you need to out food on the table but never let going into one field make you feel like you’re stuck there until retirement.

My career advice I give to literally everyone about to graduate whether they want to hear it or not is that its so okay and even preferable for most people to NOT make a career out of their passions. Having your livelihood tied to your passions immediately sucks the passion and fun out of it, especially with the added pressure of productivity and performance. The best path I think is to pick something (1) you enjoy enough that you’re not going to be miserable the majority of the time (2) try to find a place to do that work where you like the people you work with and that (3) pays you enough and leaves you with enough free time to do what you really LOVE doing off the clock. There is literally no shame in being a 9-5 paper pusher if it affords you the ability to follow your passions and make art and spend quality time with your community. On the part about feeling “enough”- relying on your career alone to completely fulfill you is never gonna work which is why I think this approach is so important. Life is for living, and work is definitely part of that living but you gotta make sure other things you care about are also in the mix in healthy doses!

It sounds like you have a good short list of priorities to work around, like being close to family and not having a high pressure job. Keep that list short but firm, and besides that dont be too picky - right now is the time to try new things and early in any career is when you get to really try on many hats and follow whichever one resonates with you.

[fuck-customers]

a fuck coworkers

my store is a small one, only four of us plus the manager, although we need at least one more person. but of the four of us, the two guys do almost no work at all. one is much worse than the other though. while they both spend 90% or more of their shift )after the manager leaves) sitting in the backroom playing on their phones, the one guy will at least come out if the door buzzer goes off a lot to see how busy it is. the other guy does not budge. at all. for anything. no matter how busy it is i am stuck on till alone all night with no break and barely a chance to sit and rest because if there is no customers in the store, then i have to be facing and filling and checking over stock to keep the store looking decent. both because it makes it easier at the end of the night to try to not let it get too bad but all so because we have a theft problem and LP/head office gets pissed if we dont keep things faced because it's harder to tell if things have gone missing. there is at least one person stealing 60oz bottles of hard alcohol, which i dont even know how they are hiding bottles that big without being seen. but it seems to happen when its busy because there are blind spots i cant see from the till (and that is the aisle where things are missing from) but i can't leave the till to see whats up or ask people if they need help etc. and the guys will not leave the backroom to do that or to watch till. like i just really don't want to be the one getting in shit when LP ends up getting involved because they decide i wasn't doing enough even though i am the one doing EVERYTHING already. beyond that, it is just so fucking aggravating to be in physical pain at the end of every shift because someone has to make sure things are getting done while he just sits back there. and we both get paid the same wage. like how they still have jobs is beyond me. but its because the manager doesn't want to fire them because they show up to work reliably but why fucking bother having them when they do no work? if it's especially miserable in the store (busy, in pain, customers being endlessly rude and/or creepy) knowing they are back there doing not a god damn thing makes me want to scream (as does most aspects of the job but this makes it even worse). i just want to cry some days. this was just supposed to be a whatever job until i got something related to my education but it's taking longer than i thought and when i quit the liquor store originally to finish my degree i never thought i would have to be back here.

this isn't even a minimum work for minimum wage thing. this is a no work because i can take advantage of my coworkers and still get paid thing. there is only ever 2 of us on at a time. like i am so close to saying to the manager like i am not going to be rushing around stressing about getting stuff done because he wont do anything. if it doesn't get done it doesn't get done and you can talk to him about it. im so sick to death of doing the work of at least 2 people every fucking night. she knows the guys are awful but keeps telling the two of us who do the work to 'pick our battles' but everything is a battle and its brutally unfair to act like we are in the wrong for being upset. she will write them up and tell them off if things are really bad but they dont care and dont change because they know that she won't ever fire them. and i don't want them to be fired, i want them to do their share of the work.

from now on ill just have to say sorry i did everything i could with the time i had, if anything wasn't done take it up with the dickheads sitting in the back because they should have been working too. im not going to kill myself over this garbage job that barely pays my bills. but also i am terrified to not have the job and not be able to pay my bills so i am killing myself (and my knees and back and mental health) by being here and working hard.

the less lazy of the guys also isn't that impressed with the other guy but it's borderline hypocritical considering how little he does himself. however he's a nice guy and he did take the till when the one creepy regular came in. if only because he happened to come out to the front at the right time and recognize him from my description. certainly grateful for that.

[mariska]

hello tumblr friends who live in my phone i just wanted to pop in real quick and let everyone know that I Am (somehow) Still Alive since i mentioned being very sick last month and did not want anyone 2 think i had finally Expired. wish i could say i'm doing better this month but while im definitely nowhere near as miserable as i was in April, i've been spending this month trying to deal with Sickness Aftershocks that have been making all of my long term autoimmune diseases/health issues in general flare up randomly really bad at pretty much completely random times and i also have a whole new fun set of similar feeling but definitely different and 100x worse physical health problems and its been extremely difficult to try and power through all of it like i'm used to doing for the 26 years i have been alive 😔 but i'm still hangin in there. idk how at this point lmao. subconscious fight or flight survival mode i guess. i'm like 99% sure i somehow caught one of the new covid mutations in April unfortunately despite the lifelong Agoraphobia and 3+ years of effort i've done to do literally everything in my ability to stay protected against it but. thats life i guess, u leave the house one or two times masked up hand sanitizer ready to go sweating from being overheated wearing clothes that cover as much of ur skin as u can stand and other people just Dont. so. i knew it would probably happen to me eventually i just was really hoping it would not! but. i will continue surviving as best i can because i dont have any other option or choice. but that is why i've unintentionally been distant here and online in general. it was already extremely difficult getting myself out of bed and taling showers and changing clothes and brushing my teeth and remembering to eat food and drink water before but now its reached a difficulty that i literally can't have any control over most of the time and its a lot of physical/mental/emotional effort to even tap reblog on a post online or respond to a text more so than it was previously. which again was already. very difficult to power through.

anyways! uh! yeah. life update i guess. i hope you guys are genuinely doing much better than i am this year and i hope you're all able to stay safe and as relatively healthy as you can. and please please please please at the very least wear some form of a face mask in public even if you're outside and not in a tiny building. i dont say that to shame anyone here i just feel like there are a lot of well meaning good people who arent fully aware that in the US at least the pandemic is very much not over and people like myself are suffering and dying because of that and we cant be the only group of people that are still doing our best to stay protected when we have to leave the house. if you're able to get some i highly recommend N95 type face masks because supposedly they offer one of the best chances of protection as long as you're wearing it correctly and it fits your face well; there's a really great non-profit organization called Project N95 that has an official website and a huge list of various face masks in a bunch of different sizes and types to order if you don't know where to find some high quality ones and they also have a form you can fill out and submit to request an order of free masks if you can't afford to buy them; their money donation pool goes towards providing masks (and some air purifiers i think?) to low income people/organizations/work places that doesn't have the funds or resources to constantly buy expensive batches of masks and their website is super detailed and well organized and has a long list of visual and written resources and information about different mask types, ways you can help keep yourself/your community safe, etc. so i highly recommend them if you are like me and are very stressed and anxious and confused about all of that information all the time. their site should be the at the top of the search results if you google N95 Project, it has a dot org site url so thats another way you can tell its the official site.

[dittolicous]

i think im having my midlife crisis. cuz time is passing so fast and im just... so tired. so tired of spending everyday miserable and stressed and hoping tomorrow will be better, when it never is.

i dont want to have to struggle for another 10 years just to get a simple little home that isnt infested with roaches or has rats in the walls. i want to be able to get up in the morning to drink coffee and watch the news. see kids walking to school. learn to sew. go fishing every now and again. own a car. be able to sleep without fretting over which bill to pay before cutoff.

i. i dont feel like ill ever escape. the community around me doesn't care because im not homeless of suffering enough, because i can still work even if im a husk of a human. because everyone has to work or die. work or die.

ive spent thr last few days pouring over applications, loan possibilities, houses, financial aid, bills, etc. no jobs have reached back to me except scams or ones that are basically downgrades from what i already do. i look and i look and i look, i used that suggested google jobs thing, but all the good jobs are off the island, require 10000 years experience, have no benefits, or are all work that i utterly despise. i dont qualify for loans and make too much for financial aid.

and they always say the same thing. get rid of your pets (as if rehoming is even cheap or easy), get rid of internet, make sacrifises sacrifices and more sacrifices. get up at 4am to wait in food bank lines for old meat, leftover produce, and stale cake. constantly plead to strangers and justify your life. because thats just life! your not allowed to have nice things when youre poor, dont you know? if you do, then thats wasting money and we wont help you. you deserve what you get because happiness comes with money.

i just want out. and i guess jokes on them. if i rehome my pets, well, that would mean id finally be free to off myself. because im sorry to say, but theyre the only thing that holds me back. i hate this world. i wasnt built to survive here. i dont have any passions or drive or... anything.

i dont know why im here. just to suffer and be miserable until im too old and weak to work, to die alibe in a ditch.... i dont have anything worth anything.

and what makes me fucking laugh! is that the last time i went to my psych appointment i was like. i cant do this! im tired of being tired! and they pushed me to try their therapy again and that theyd get a case worker to call me and to think of all things i can change instead of what i cant... i agreed but was open with how i didn't have much faith in the system. how they failed me in the past and that makes me wary.

that was two weeks ago.

case worker never called me. therapist never called me. i cant change anything.

all because of stupid fucking bills and checks and jobs and money because no one deserves to live happy!

ill never escape. ill never have a live worth living. i dont have anyone to go to the movies or amusement parks with, no one who would drop by for coffee and a chat, no one to go to cons with. im just a little icon on a blue website. if i died tomorrow, if my queue ended... no one would mourn me not really. no one would cry. because im just broken and incapable of making genuine connections. id just be another quiet blog, a blip in the radar.

#ditto rambles #negative / #not becayse people here arent great but cuz im fucking nothing #im an a void in flesh #i am an empty flask #suicide ideation /// #i guess #whatever #im tired #long post #cant remember how to read mre #i hate everything i hate my job i hate my life i hate that im not good enougb to reach out and build bonds #i wish i was more broken more trash so at least theyrd understand how i feel! #but instead ill just #work until i die alone

[sterlingarcher]

I love seeing your posts about like bandom history and just discussion and reflection from a more mature adult's angle, it's really relatable to me at 29. And while I have not involved in bandom before late 2015, I have studied a lot myself, and Panic! and Brendon were my first faves and still high up there. It really disappoints me how brutal antis are as I have figured them out to a T, treating minor errors as hate-crimes from Brendon but not anyone else. Are we not all human?

i havent checked my messages in so long so im not 100% certain when this was sent but this was a really nice thing to stumble upon today 😭😭😭 it makes me feel good to know that there are people out there who can sort of ~smell what im stepping in~ so to speak and that when i talk about this stuff its not always falling on deaf ears. ive always rejected the term “anti” because it feels so immature to say, but honestly what other word is there to even describe most of these people? haters? bullies? assholes? they dont have any actual critical thought behind why they came to hate brendon, they just know it became the cool and popular thing to hate him and “blame him” for shit and they couldnt bear the thought of not following the crowd and fitting in. youd be hard pressed to find me anyone whos life has been documented and scrutinized for as long as and as harshly as brendons since they were a teenager who HASNT stumbled or fucked up or put their foot in their mouth at some point. its wildly hypocritical because these people act very pure and righteous, and like theyve never done or said anything wrong or questionable or problematic in their lives which is just…. quite literally patently untrue for every person on earth. to assert moral and ethical superiority over a person like brendon is to be horrendously disingenuous, and it grossly highlights the efficacy of social media fandom war smear campaigns, lack of proper journalism, and the terrifying degeneration of peoples ability to engage in critical thought and perform unbiased fact-based research. these people act like brendon singlehandedly committed genocide or some shit, and honestly i find these people spend far more time thinking and talking about him than we as fans do. like he quite literally lives in these peoples heads rent free, and these are the same people who call us pathetic for still enjoying him and his music after all these years and not dropping off and following the crowd of sheeple like they did. like these people have the nerve to behave like 13 year old lunch-room bullies and then turn around and call people cringe and pathetic for *checks notes* … enjoying someone and their art and music. like honey the call is coming from inside the house. they love to use the classics like “jeez its just a joke” or “its not that deep…” when the reality is that if it was truly not that deep they wouldnt spend so much time obsessing over him and talking about him more than his fucking fans do. they quite literally troll his and panics tags and quote retweet and reblog almost everything they see with a shitty snide remark that they truly think is soooo clever and original (🙄) like its their fucking 6 figure paid career path. they constantly poke the bear, go swinging at a hornets nest with lead pipes, and then they get confused and pissed when they get bit and stung. like literally dude what did you expect? you come into a space specifically to cause trouble and piss people off and then act like the victim when you actually accomplish that??? call people cringe and fail and annoying and strange when they get emotional over something they clearly care deeply about??? as though if the tables werent turned these people wouldnt immediately start screaming crying throwing up and playing the victim. honestly though at the very end of the day i truly believe these proudly self-proclaimed “haters” are more miserable than ill ever be no matter how bad my life circumstances get. because ultimately i only spend a few hours, maybe a day or two at most being pissed that these bullies and mean-girls exist and love to invade our spaces for shits and giggles. but they apparently spend entire days, weeks, months… YEARS of their lives being bitter and vile and mean for the sake of maybe 10 likes on twitter and 5 minutes of internet validation. what a sad fucking existence. i prefer to be someone who enjoys things and engages with and consumes things that make me happy and joyful thank you :) anyway sorry for the ramble! if you read all of it i appreciate and love you for it!! 💕

[sadistic-softie]

Sometimes I need to stop, take a step back, and ask myself, "Am I ok?" and the answer is always, "uuhh?????????"

therapy gets so repetative and exhausting. When am i gonna move on from complaining about the same problems actually get to the helping part? And how many therapists is it gonna take before I get there? I'm on number...7??? 8? 9???? and i hate that every single one of them has been like, ~most therapists go through the notes and records of the patients health conditions and past sessions with other therapists, but I don't like to do that here. I like to start clean and fresh with each patient so I can hear it from them. I have your chart and all your info here, but i just wanna hear if from you~. Because im so cool and all the other therapists suck mega penis~ Like stfu and please read my chart for the love of god i dont need to go through hours of sessions of straight miserable traumadumping every single time i get disconnected from a therapist and have to spend 5 months on the waiting list for a new one. And it's so easy to just get dropped by therapists too. I missed 2 appointments ever? gone. Therapist suddenly vanished from the establishment? We can't replace them! find a whole new place! Your new therapist sucks and just tells you to get over it? Give us a month and we'll see if we can find someone else for you. oopsies! your therapist got fired! Nothing we can do about that! Your therapist forced you into a situation that she knew would put you in danger of abuse? It was her job! FUCK. I literally get better therapy from calling 988, crisis lines, or abuse hotlines for 10 minutes and they're free. Might as well just call THEM on a weekly basis since they ACTUALLY FUCKING HELP YOU WHEN YOU ASK FOR FUCKING HELP. They give you advice, comfort, support, coping mechanisms, distractions, suggestions, resources, ideas, communities, etc etc. Seriously. Therapy, in all my years, barely ever does that shit unless you're on the brink of breakdown because "why is nothing working!?" nothing's working because it's literally nothing being put to work. They're putting nothing machines in your brain factory, and when 'NOTHING' is working, no progress gets made.

Honestly. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just really unlucky with my therapists. I be spilling my soul to them and begging for help and they're just like. "Hmmm...that does seem very difficult...What do you think I can do to help you?" and i just...like..."I don't know??? im not really a mental health specialist??? Like you??????" and they fucking laugh and go, "Well, that is true...hmmmmm, let me think...you seem to be doing everything you cannnn...hmmmm" God, i never show it but tht shit pisses me off so bad. The more times i hear "What do you think i can do to help?" and "Hmmmmmmm" and overly fucking drawn out words, the more 'asshole' and ingenuine it sounds. It sounds like mockery. It sounds like they think I'm a toddler trying to figure out how to manuver their first 4 piece puzzle. They sound like when teachers say "I dunno. Can you?" when you ask if you can use the restroom. Like...Do you think I'm fucking around when I say I don't know what to do? Do you think I just ask for help for shits and giggles? Do you think, "I'm feeling suicidal" is just a quirky little catchphrase? Like, fuck. Just listen to one fucking thing I say. I pay you for this. Just fucking listen to me and hear the words coming out of my mouth and process what they actually fucking mean. I fucking have nobody else and I'm paying you to help me not fucking kill myself and you're gonna fucking sit there, eating cereal, talking about how your 'poor husband' was so shy "just like me" that he didn't make the first move on you when you first met, like this session is about comparing my socially crippling mental condition to a common case of the nerves, acting like you're my casual best friend or acting like this is me learning 2 plus fucking 2 in kindergarden math class with god damn counting blocks and you don't wanna give me too many hints that give the answer away. FUCK. OFF. No fucking wonder your other patients cuss you out. I bet they're soooo lucky to have you like you're sooo lucky that im so god damn polite and articulate. You like that im so articulate, huh? You really get what im saying? How about this next one?: QUIT YOUR JOB.

#therapy #is not helping #and it stresses me out #and its miserable #tw sui ideation #988lifeline #vent #sorry i got really angry #therapy is just so fucking taxing and exhausting #and it should really be the opposite #fuck i been needing to say this #sorry i fucking snapped #gonna cry myself to sleep

[ihavenothingtodo10220]

hey, common sense anon here, hope you are doing well!

i wanted your thoughts on why you think in modern society is obsessed with who has an audience and who doesnt? like why do mainly those who have an audience or following get the utmost attention both good and bad, yet someone like ourselves whos quite ordinary wouldnt be paid any attention unless we have to prove ourselves (as thats what it still feels like from school throughout adulthood) that we are having to either constantly chase someone for their attention or its people trying to garner the attention they want and i think itd got way out of hand to the point where society has lost track of themselves.

we can spend hours and days weeks or months oggling at the lives of others whilst feeling miserable that our life is not like theirs. im concerned that we are not progressing as people should be. so much is wasted babbling on whatever it might be that usually doesnt even concern the babbler themselves. why cant we separate our life from others and learn to be satisfied with where we are? its honestly so hard rn to not feel down in the dumps or behind or lost or stuck. yet someone else is always trying to outdo another being for what cause though? its just a separate lifestyle so why people got to make their own channels and put a character on? makes no sense to me.

its also not just rich and wealthy that rely on needing an audience or cult like fan base either. every other person snd their granny has to have some type of recognition and if we dont have such a thing why do we feel left out or behind in life bc theres always going to be someone younger than us, therell always be someone better than us st something or other so why does it matter at all in society how popular or how many cliques and internet groups where people have to belong somewhere or theyll be too much of an individual. if this makes any sense then please include your opinion!!

i think its such an issue nowadays with how many folk seek an audience and often at times i have caught myself feeling so inadequate or feeling miserable that im not receving much attention outside of relatives. its sad in a way that the world revolves around the way someone appears to be. and in my opinion even those who dont have a following wont amount to much bc in order to succeed nowadays people need some type of following be it online or elsewhere.

for ex the way society goes through trends faster than tissues or how people would only really be drawn to thode who are popular. if celeb dies its a big deal but if its ordinary person it gets overlooked or theyre life wasnt as significant :/

sorry for my rant again just been doing some thinking (again) thanks again in advance if you reply!

Honestly, this is a human thing rather than a nowadays thing I’ve found. We always want the things we see others having, and compare them to what we ourselves have at the moment. It’s like if you have siblings, how if you sibling got something nice you wanted something nice in turn. How people are always trying to be acknowledged and praised for everything they do. Though nowadays, with social media, this is definitely amplified by social media because we can now see all these things others are doing and want those things too. So it’s constantly people seeing others rising higher and higher and wanting to rise themselves. And frankly, we’re not evolved yet to deal with those things quite right. It’s like how 99% of people hate the way they look/are insecure. It’s because we’re not evolved to be used to seeing ourselves, as that ability is fairly new. Sure there were reflections in things like ice and water, but those aren’t clear and horribly skewed.

With celebs dying and things, it is sad that ordinary people get overlooked but also understandable. With celebs, you know at least of them, and have built a sort of parasocial relationship. With ordinary people it’s kind of like when you read history books about people who’ve been dead for hundreds of years. It’s very detached. Unless it’s truly brutal and gruesome, it just doesn’t feel the same as it would for a celebrity or someone in your life.

And again, the trends thing is very much something that’s a constant as well. Our sense of beauty is dependent on what you see the most. Trends change because you see one thing too much, and therefore you want the exact opposite. That, and it also reflects a culture’s values, predicament, etc. etc. trends changing reflect how we as a people are changing. Trends have always been rather fleeting in nature.

[postmail]

hruugghh complaining inbound. im on my bus trip right now and. my god. i wasnt looking forward to this very much in the first place and yet i somehow still manage to be disappointed. heres my complaints in arranged into a list. apologies if this is repetitive, im not proofreading it. and sorry if its whiny. i am making this post specifically to whine

im rooming with three other people. two of them are cool. one of them is an underclassmen and. by god. this girl is annoying. shes always complaining about something, and majority of the time it doesnt even like. make sense? like one time she complaining that she felt like she was required to go to the pool, just in general, not with anyone or anything. why would we make you go to the pool? why?? i dont know. her logic is an enigma. i think if she stops having stuff to complain about she dies. also, she keeps following us around. this one is kind of petty but for some reason being followed has always made me irrationally nervous or irritated, even if its like. having a minecraft dog follow me. idk its just something that really bothers me for some innate reason. this chick just presses my buttons. not her fault, but still. ugh

i have virtually no privacy, no real alone time. i share a room, i share a bus, we all share everything at every waking moment. i am never not in the presence of at least one other person. and by god does it suck. and plus, being a part of such a huge crowd at almost all times makes me nervous. im at the whims of all these other people, i can only do what the majority wants to do. and i am historically bad at wanting what everyone else wants

most of these people are people i dont know very well. theyve spilt the rooms based on gender, which is to be expected, but still sucks ass because i get along better with most of my male peers than my female ones. most of the people that are on this trip are in the grade below me (its the juniors and the sophomores, im a junior) and i dont know or like them very much. i find myself wishing it was just my grade, or that i skipped this trip altogether

i came here entirely to learn about history. this trip IS a good portion history, but its also dumb touristy stuff idgaf about. the one museum weve went to already was out of my mind boring, it was a jfk museum, and i didnt think i knew very much about jfk going in, but now coming out i feel like i knew more than that entire museum. it felt like i was having all my old, vastly more interesting and fun history lessons be rehashed to me, it a significantly more drab and boring way.

this ones petty and dumb but. we are going to the ocean. i do not like the ocean. i am worried we are going to spend an entire at the ocean. i would rather do literally anything else

i have heard we are going on a dolphin watching cruise. i get seasick when im these kinds of boats. yayyyyyyyyy

the most i have had on this trip is when we are just driving around in the bus. im starting to think it is literally the only thing ive liked so hard. granted im the kind of person that enjoys long car rides (unless its a route a know well, then its just boring), but still

this is all taking place during the majority of my holiday break. i would really rather just be home, actually doing stuff i like and chillaxing. but nooooo i just had to go on this trip, effectively wasting my entire vacation. thinking about this one frankly just makes me feel miserable. i wanna go HOME this is so LAME

after fundraising, my parents spent absurd amounts of money to get me and my sister on this trip. and i just called my mom crying about how miserable i am here

all of my friends, excluding the one that is here, are back at home. i like my classmates, but we aren’t friends. i want to hangout with my friends, not my peers from school and... the younger ones

my book didnt fit in my bag. i really wish i had my book right now

these hotels are capitalist nightmares that wont let me use wifi despite being a paying customer w/o an account, which i am unwilling to make because. well because fuck that. why the fuck should i give you my personal info just for some wifi i should just get, because i am paying to be here. wth

alright thats all i can think of. im sorry if you read this far, all the way through my whining. hopefully ill have a better time soon. we’re going to the alamo soon and thats. cool. i guess. if i dont think about anything else

#long post #vent #txt