#i dont lie awake at night worrying over that shit but sometimes that same like. fear comes over me sometimes
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ugh on one hand i really dont want to listen to the rest of everywhere at the end of time because it was bad enough listening to just stages 1 and 2 and knowing that it’ll just get so much worse in 3 and 4 (apparently 5 and 6 aren’t so bad, you “get used to it”) and it’s like... i’ve always had tendencies towards... paranoia.. i feel bad saying that bc it’s not like, debilitating paranoia, but for lack of a better word, yeah i do get like that sometimes, and so like. i’ve literally been so on edge since i just listened to stages 1 and 2 and i know it’ll get so much worse if i actually listen to stages 3-6 all in one sitting one day like it’s been over 24 hours since i listened to stages 1 and 2 and i still am feeling kinda off. i think i’ll be better after tomorrow cause tomorrow i’m going to school, im leaving the house for the first time since monday morning so like it’ll be a good way to clear my head. but if i spend all saturday or sunday listening to stages 3-6 then i wont be able to clear my head like that till NEXT thursday... and i kinda dont want this weird paranoia sticking around for several days like UGHH
but also like. idk. just stages 1 and 2 were so thought provoking and like, emotionally destructive, yeah, but like. idk. i feel like it’s an experience i should have, even if it fucks me up for a few days i just feel like it’ll be good in the long run. just stages 1 and 2 made me realize so much but i feel like those realizations cant really like, go all the way through, unless i complete the rest of the stages. it’s weird cause like, yeah in the Throes of it yesterday i was talking about my family member and it’s like, idk i just think. it’ll be good to experience this album because it’s really like, put things in perspective, what she felt, but stages 1-2 only really capture the beginning of it so i feel like to really understand i’d have to complete it. and i think i kinda have to finish the rest of the album, just to complete that new sense of clarity.
and even beyond sorting out my own grief, i just think it’d be important to experience because like. idk, already just after the first two stages, im already like. thinking about my own life and all the things i take for granted and it’s just like. idk i think it would be important for me to like, re-examine what im doing with my life and be thankful for what i do have still
and not only all that but also i am, curious to a fault, even if it’s kinda self damaging. and so like, god this has been EATING at me for the past day like i know it’s going to be a horrifying experience but i just, cant stop thinking about it, and it deosnt help that it will NOT leave my youtube recommendations like i just have to hear the rest of it even if its for nothing else but sheer curiosity
#... lowkey think my . tendencies towards Paranoia are like. leftover from my weird ass childhood anxiety bullshit#like i mostly grew out of that weird shit . but with things like this? oh man it comes back#instead of lying awake afraid of the shadows in my room bc like#man i was scared of the STUPIDEST shit like 2012. the zombie apocalypse. etc#i dont lie awake at night worrying over that shit but sometimes that same like. fear comes over me sometimes#over. well. not the stupidest shit anymore . but like yeah over things that probably dont necessitate that reaction#like .yeah . reading up on cannibalism at 1am fucks me up for that night..#like idk this shit just leaves me feeling OFF KILTER and then i feel like someone is always watching me#and it just leaves me feeling so on edge and its even worse when its at night when im the only one in the house who's awake#and now like. literally there is no reason to feel like that when this album is dealing with dementia#there is no external threat when its about a mental illness of your own brain#but god damn i cant go to the bathroom at 1am without feeling freaked the fuck out LOL#LIKE IDK THIS ALBUM IS JUST GIVING ME EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE EMOTION#grief? misery? supreme sadness? nostalgia? loneliness? paranoia? fear?#and its weird bc AS i was listening to it i was mostly focused on the. grief and sadness#i was so preoccupied thinking abt my own experiences irl#its only AFTER the fact that i started thinking abt the. sheer existential fear and dread of losing who you are#like only AFTER the fact am i feeling the Uneasiness.. the Dread..#as i was listening to it i was just sobbing but then as i cleaned myself up and took a shower it was like#oh shit lol O_O#and for the past DAY ive just been trying to chase that unease away by listening to pop music and shit but like#idk its still WITH me i cannot escape it. the pop music just feels like a thin shield like its doing nothing to keep it at bay lol#it distracts me for the 3 minutes its on but as soon as its off its like. oh haha O_O#like i stayed up on my laptop till 3am last night to work on hw and it was just freaking me out SO badly#being in my dark bedroom with my glasses on and being painfully aware of how silent the house is#im gonna have to stay up tonight again as well <3 AUGHGH#and like idk i just cannot stop thinking about like. death and dying and the afterlife and what it means to be alive at all#like even if im not feeling that unease im still Thinking about it like omg#brot posts#LIKE ALL THIS TO SAY YES I NEED TO FINISH IT
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sugar daddy ➸ morgan rielly hcs!
listen this is all i’ve been thinking about all day okay i need this in my life i just want a sugar daddy mo in my life please
find my masterlist here
okay so listen
you’re probably like a photographer or something in media for the leafs
running around making sure the boys get places on time
interviews, shoots, the fucking plane, everything
and you’re really young, yk, you’re maybe 20 or so
and accelerating your education seemed like a good idea
but now you’ve got a ton of debt
so you get a job at the starbucks near your shitty apartment
you have to make ends meet right?
and its so exhausting, running around and often working 8 or more hours at each job
but you have to put on a smile for the boys and for the customers and for your bosses at both jobs
but it’s definitely taking its toll because you’re just so tired all the time
but it’s a good thing you work at a coffee shop isnt it?
morgan likes to walk around random parts of the city when he’s stressed
and hes totally been trying to work up the courage for a while to just talk to you and to get to know you fr
he’s just so fucking attracted to this young, smart, funny, and kind photographer that’s somehow responsible for team of actual children
it’s after a game and a tough loss that he comes in
it’s like 1:53 am when he walks into this starbucks on the opposite side of toronto from where his giant ass condo is
and he sees you
no, not like, oh hey you happen to be here at the same time as me,
but he sees you as in you’re coming from the back room, re-tying your apron behind you
and just like that you’re back to running around and doing too many things at once, just like how you are at the arena
somehow even at almost 2 am, your store is pretty busy
so when the next person in line steps up and you make eye contact with him you almost choke
and mo’s eyes widen and he opens and closes his mouth a few times
“hi what can i get you?” you squeak before he can say anything stupid
he def is hesitant giving you his order but does it anyways and is kind of shocked when you ask for his name for the order
you dont make eye contact while you make the drink, making sure to just call out his name when it’s ready and go back to running around
and he’s about to ask to talk to you when you suddenly straighten up and tell your shift “i’m gonna go restock the back” and you’re gone again
you probably avoid morgan for a few days, maybe a couple weeks even, after that
he ends up cornering you in your office when you’re editing pictures or something after practice
“why? why didn’t you tell me?”
you sigh, having expected this conversation since you saw him
“because it’s not relevant to any conversation we’ve had.”
“relevant? of course it’s relevant!” he throws his hands up, “we’re a team, a family, and you shouldn’t have to work 2 jobs!”
“well some of us don’t make millions of dollars a year morgan!” you finally snap at him “some of us have to work 16 hours a day to make ends meet! and even then we’re still barely living paycheck to paycheck!”
he recoils at your words, because he never though about the fact that the leafs organization might not be paying you enough to get you through your debts and bills
“let me help”
you almost choke when he says that
“no. absolutely not. i’m not a child nor am i a charity case okay? i’ve been on my own for a long time.”
he doesnt give up, and continues to press you until you kick him out of your office
after that things with morgan get a little...flirtier you could say
his touch is lingering
he’s making eye contact with you across the room and not looking away
but he’s also very publicly inviting you out with the team, watching your squirm while you have to come up with a lie every time as to why you couldn’t
and not to mention game days
holy shit he comes in wearing his game day suit and maintains eye contact with you the whole time
walk walk fashion baby
it’s only a matter of time before you cave, he thinks
and he’s right
it’s about a month later that you’re at some gala for the team
and thank god the leafs organization payed for your shit because this dress and these heels would’ve used up two entire paychecks
and morgan’s shamelessly flirting with you that night, touching you along your back and your arms and letting his hand rest on your thigh when you’re seated
it isn’t long before he has you bent over the hood of his expensive ass sports car
and for a second you’re worried because holy shit this car is worth more than your fucking life
the thought flies out the window though pretty soon
cause mo is pounding into you from behind yk, pressing you against the cool metal of the sleek black sports car
you’re choking out moans and squeals of his name and when he wraps a hand around your neck you cry out
“daddy!”
and he freezes for a second before going at you even harder
he squeezes your throat
“yeah, honey, gonna come for daddy? huh? gonna let daddy take care of you?”
and you know theres a double meaning behind his words but you just cry out
“yesyesyes, daddy, you take such good care of me, fuuuuck”
and then you’re coming while he rails you into a car that’s worth more than your existence and when he comes he forces you into another orgasm
and with all the work and running around you havent been able to get laid in a long long time
and he’s so good that you just feel so weak and drained afterwards
and then he whispers gently “you’re calling off working tomorrow, you need sleep, and i’m gonna cover everything for you for at least the next two months”
as much as you want to argue, you’ve slept maybe 10 hours in the past 2 weeks and you dont have it in you
and yeah it would be nice to be taken care of for a little bit
mo is so soft and sweet with you when he takes you home
as if he didnt just fuck the life out of you
and when you wake up in his bed, you’re a little disoriented for a second
he’s already awake, facing you with his arm wrapped around your waist
he’s pressing kisses into your neck and shoulder and you jump at the sudden realization of
“fuck! i have to get to work!” and mo pulls you back down and reminds you that everyone has a day off today
which you’d forgotten due to lack of sleep and the fact that you’d lost track of what day it even was anymore
he pulls you into his chest and buries his nose in your hair
“please, just let me take care of you,” he murmurs
you’re about to argue, now having the energy to, when he speaks again
“fuck, you work so fucking hard, and you’re amazing at what you do, and you’re so young, you don’t deserve all of this i’m not asking you to quit either job or move in with me if you dont want to or anything, i’m just asking you to let me help you. i dont want or expect anything in return okay?”
“mo, i-“
“please just think about it okay? i wanna lighten the load a little bit. and make sure you get enough sleep. i just wanna help you.”
it takes you a few days to think it over and get back to him
but you say yes, smiling shyly up at him, thanking him over and over
and he insists that you dont need to thank him
and you also are kind of embarrassed, but you ask him if the offer still stands for you to move in with him.
cause your apartment kinda sucks and the electricity is shitty and the water shuts off sometimes
and you try and promise to pitch in for rent or utilities
but he doesnt even let you breathe in the direction of the bills
which is kind good cause holy shit he lives in a swanky part of town so of course they’re expensive
i feel like he’d try not to push your boundaries, but after that first time you fucked, you just want more
and you initiate things and fuck he wants you so bad
and he tells you that he really really likes you, not just physically
and asks you out on a proper date
but you’re really not there yet, so you definitely sleep in separate rooms
but he pampers you yk
its started off as just covering your basic needs, and then to buying you clothes
and accessories
and a new laptop
and then getting your phone fixed
and then comes the lingerie
and the jewelry
and holy fuck does mo spoil you
he makes good on his promise tho
you keep your job with the leafs and your job as a barista
but being a barista becomes more of an occasional thing yk
because its fun not because you have to pay your student loans
he’s everything you’ve ever wanted
he’s attentive and caring and so fucking good to you
and loves to spoil his girl
and no one on the team is really surprised when he shows up at a bar after a win with his arm wrapped around you
they just chirp him and expose him to you about how he’s liked you forever
you just smile up at him and kiss his cheek
and you’re really glad that he found out your little secret
#like#its all i can think about#work today was rough#all because of THIS#fuck#mo daddy#morgan rielly#morgan rielly smut#maple leafs#maple leafs imagine#maple leafs smut#morgan rielly imagine#nhl#nhl imagine#hockey#hockey imagine#nhl smut#hockey smut#sugar daddy!morgan rielly
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I Love You 3000 (appendicitis)
It's currently Saturday afternoon and Peter had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and watch movies with his sister Morgan. Peter absolutely loved days like this, between his patrolling and training with his dad, he felt like he didn't spend as much time as he would like with his little sister. Peter started thinking about when he was her age and how different his life was back then. Don't get him wrong, he loves his life now with the Stark's but sometimes he missed his real parents. He also missed his aunt May but knew she had his best interests in mind when she gave Tony full parental rights over him.
“ Look bubba, he touched the butt” morgan said laughing, which snapped peter out of his thoughts. They were watching finding nemo for what felt like the fifteenth time that day. Peter couldn't help but giggle at how enthusiastic Morgan was. Suddenly he got a sharp pain in his stomach which caused him to hiss. It caught morgans attention.
“Are you okay bubba” she asked sympathetically. “Yeah, bug im fine, dont worry about me” he responded trying to reassure her.
“I'm not a bug, you are” she giggled. “ no silly, it was just a nickname, but you're not technically wrong” he laughed, even though he was still in pain.
“ I think im gonna go get some food, do you want anything” he asked. “ POPCORN” morgan yelled. Peter had never heard here say something that excitedly and he couldn't help but smile. While he was in the kitchen, he searched through the cabinets looking for something to soothe the throbbing in his gut.
“Can I help you find something” the voice made peter jump.
“Woah kid, i didn't mean to startle you” tony said through his laughter.
“Dad, you know not to sneak up on me” peter said, face red with embarrassment.
"Your spidey senses off or something” tony asked while ruffling his son's hair.
“Stooooop, and i don't know, maybe they're just being slow because im tired” peter whined.
“How could you be tired, all you've done today is watch nemo a thousand times” tony replied.
“Hey, in my defense it's a good movie” Peter said as they both laughed.
"Back to my original question since we got off topic. What were you looking for" Tony asked. Peter hesitated. He didnt want his dad worrying about him because he had a stupid stomach ache.
“Just looking for some tums, all the popcorn we've been eating is giving me indigestion” peter replied. ‘Really Peter, indigestion. That's the stupidest lie ever’ he thought to himself. Appearently it wasnt too stupid because Tony seemed to have bought it.
“Okay, well if that's the case i'd say lay off on the popcorn then” tony said as he walked out of the kitchen.peter knew he couldn't risk getting caught, he had too much going on this coming up week and he couldn't afford a sick day. He made his way back to the living room and plopped onto the couch.
“ Hey! Wheres my popcorn” he hear morgan say from the floor.
“Shit, i'm sorry. I totally spaced it” he replied
“Language “ she giggled. Peter dozed off soon after that. When he woke up it was dark and he noticed morgan wasn't in the room anymore. He also noticed a blanket on himself. 'mom must have put it on me when she got Morgan' he thought. He went to sit help and realized the pain in his stomach was still there and it had worsened. He decided it would be best to sleep it off. 'Maybe if i get a good night's rest in my own bed it will help' he thought. Little did he know, he couldn't have been more wrong.
When peter woke up to say he was in agony was an understatement. He was in so much pain he didn't want to move, but he knew he had to. He had a show to put on for people so no one knew that he was sick. He decided he'd skip on his morning patrol, which was unusual for him, he just knew not much would happen in the morning. He made his way done to the kitchen and the smell of bacon hit him like a ton of red bricks.
"Hope your hungry. I've been cooking for two hours to make sure I had enough for tony, Morgan, you, and that monster you call a metabolism" peper laughed as she saw Peter walked through the doorway. Tony and morgan were already at their usual spot at the table.
"Hey, Albert Einstein called and said he wants his hair back" tony said making fun of his son's bed head.
"Good one daddy" morgan laughed.
"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week" tony said while bowing. Pepper laughed from the kitchen.
When breakfast finally made it to the table, peter couldn't stand to look at it, but he knew he had it eat it. He slowly forced himself to take bite after bite until he was sure no one would ask him any questions. When he was done he went back up to his room to shower, then he crawled back into bed.
The next few days were relatively the same. Peter would wake up wanting to scream because of how bad his stomach was hurting, he'd force himself to eat, throw up after words and repeat the cycle over and over again.
When he woke up on Wednesday morning something was different. The pain in gis stomach moved. It wasn't all over but now it made itself at home on his lower right abdomen. Peter moaned when he got up and did the routine he'd been doing since Sunday morning. He was about to climb in bed after puking his guts out when tony walked in.
"Hey kiddo, steve and Natasha are here and they want to spar. Get your workout gear on and meet me upstairs" he said before leaving again
Peter sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was spar, but he knew he had to keep the act up. So he got up, changed and made his way to the sparring facility upstairs.
"Hey spiderling, glad you could join us" Natasha said, shooting peter a smile. He nodded in response and went to sit next to his dad on the bench.
"Okay, listen up. Natasha, you're with Tony, and kid, you're with me" steve said walking into the facility. Peter wanted to bolt. He knew there was no way this would end well and he was right.
Peter's spidey sense was on the fritz and he was having a hard time concentrating. He knew he got a few hits in but that's all he could recall before Steve hits his right side at full force. Peter was done, he couldn't hide it any longer. He doubled over and started coughing.
"Woah kid, sorry didn't mean to knock the wind outta ya" steve said making his way to peter. When he made it to peter he froze.
"What's going on over there" natasha asked. When she didn't get a response she decided to go see what was happening herself. "Holy shit, tony you better come help your kid. Im calling bruce down here. I'll have him bring a gurney." natasha yelled while running toward the door. So many things were running through Tony's mind but he knew he had to get to his kid. When he made it to Peter, he wasn't expecting such a horrific site. Peter was now on the ground cradling his stomach and next to him was a small puddle of blood. Tony didn't know what to say he just knew he had to leap into action.
" Friday, call pepper and tell her we need her up here ASAP" tony yelled.
"Already done sir, Ms. Romanoff and Dr. Banner are coming down the hall also sir" friday responded.
Tony picked peter up and rushed him to the door.
"Tony im so sorry i-" steve started but tony cut him off.
"Not now Steve, I have to save my son" he said with tears in his eyes.
Tony met bruce and natasha at the door and laid peters limp body on the gurney.
"What is going on, friday said you needed m-" pepper stopped talking when she saw peter.
"What happened?" she asked, tearing up.
"I'm not one hundred percent sure yet but my best bet is appendicitis" bruce said before rushing peter to the medbay.
"Mommy what's wrong with him" morgan cried. " its okay sweetie, he's just got an ouchy in his tummy, uncle bruce and daddy are taking him to the medbay, and they'll make peter all better" pepper told her distraught daughter. "Y-you promise" morgan stuttered. " I promise" pepper replied.
Pepper couldn't help but think how she didnt notice something was off with her son.
"I didn't know, i'm so sor-" steve began to say to pepper.
"Save it steve, i've got to get to peter" and with that she picked up morgan and ran to the medbay.
When she got there she saw four doctors hooking peter up to different machines.
" bruce confirmed its his appendix, they're getting him ready for surgery" tony told his wife. " how could we not have noticed. I honestly feel like i've failed as a father" Tony added while starting to tear up again.
"Don't say that! How could we have known. He was keeping it a secret and he did one hell of a job keeping it" pepper said.
The doctors wheeled peter out of the room and into the OR.
"Mommy, where are they taking him" Morgan asked.
"They're gonna go fix your brothers ouchy and make him all better just like I told you" pepper said.
Time began to pass and both Tony and Pepper were becoming impatient. They just wanted to know their son was okay. Just then Bruce walked into the room.
"Is he okay? Did everything go well? Did save my kid?" Tony started spitting out questions left and right.
"Yes, peter is just fine he's in recovery right now and should wake up in about half an hour. If you come with me i'll take you to him." bruce said.
Before they went anywhere, morgan walked up to bruce and said " Thank you for fixing my bubba's ouchy, uncle Bruce". Bruce couldn't help but smile at the five year old.
When they made it to peter, tony was taken back. He's seen the kid in a hospital bed multiple times because of being injured on the job, but this time it was different. Peter looked so small and fragile, like the smallest gust of wind could shatter him into a million pieces.
Soon peter began stirring and he opened his eyes.
"Hey my little spiderling, how are you feeling" pepper asked.
"I've been better" peter mumbled
" ill say, why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling well. I wouldn't have asked you to spar with us." tony said.
"Tony chill out, he's only been awake for a few minutes. The lecturing can wait. Let's be grateful our son is still here" pepper said.
"You're right, im sorry. I'm really happy you're okay" he told peter. Peter nodded in acknowledgement
"Mommy, can i get up there with him" morgan asked. Pepper looked at Peter, who nodded.
"Yes baby, but you have to be careful" she said picking her daughter up. She set her on the bed. Margan careful made her way up to peters face.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, mister" she said shaking her finger in his face. Peter smiled.
"Im sorry bug, i didn't mean to scare you. I love you" he said to her.
Morgan grabbed Peter's face and smushed hers against it. "I love you 3000" she responded.
"Wait hey, that's our thing" tony said pretending to be shocked.
Everyone laughed.
It took a few days but peter healed up quick and was back out patrolling and kicking his dad's ass in training.
#peter parker sickfic#peter parker sickfics#irondad#iron dad#iron man#spiderson#spiderman#stark family#pepper potts#morgan stark#natasha romanoff#steve rogers#spiderman sickfics#i love you 3000#captian#black widow#mcu#marvel sickfic#marvel
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long night in the castle of lions
Sometimes, the nights in the castle are long. Long and filled with a sort of infinite quiet, the sound of universe at rest that presses in from all sides. No noise from inside the ship can compete with it, that silence, not Lance’s snores or the singsong Hunk uses to talk himself into sleep: It’s ok. It’s all right. Everything is gonna be fine.
It isn’t. Keith’s pretty sure of that. Lions or legendary whatever notwithstanding, it feels like they’re pretty much screwed.
Galactic evil? Weapons that can blow away worlds? What kind of chance do they have against any of that?
Not good. Not fucking good.
He can hide those thoughts during the day, when they’re out and about saving the innocent and protecting what’s good, what seems right. But at night, when he has only the shadows and his own head for company, those thoughts drown him out, pull him knee deep into despair.
He doesn’t sleep much in the castle. He envies everybody who can: Pidge, who can curl into any corner and be asleep in ten ticks. Allura and Coran, who slept here for 10,000 years, for gods’ sake. And Shiro, their great and glorious leader, who strolls into the lounge for breakfast every morning looking like he’s just had a strong, solid eight.
“Good morning,” he’ll say to each of them, a smile and a pat on the shoulder for each. “How’d you sleep?”
Keith doesn’t bother to lie anymore, to put on an act of at ease and well-rested.
“Like shit, Shiro,” he’ll say, not bothering to raise his head from the purple stuff that passes for coffee. “Like absolute shit.”
The first time he’d said it, Shiro had startled, his hold on Keith’s shoulder going sudden and tight.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Didn’t get a wink.”
“Well,” Shiro had stumbled, “you, ah--did you try meditation?”
“Didn’t bother.” He’d looked up, looked back to see Shiro’s face drawn up and worried. “I never sleep a lot anyway. Even on Earth. I’m fine.”
Shiro hadn’t bought it then, didn’t buy it now, but Keith’s stuck to it, this little shade of untruth. No, he’s never taken refuge in sleep like some people but he’s never found it so elusive before, so willing to slip out of his grasp. After a while, he even finds himself missing his nightmares: the ones about crashing, the ones about falling, the ones about his mom’s voice. They feel like old friends, those dreams, that he’s no longer allowed to see.
And he’s tired. Dear gods, he’s exhausted. But even the softest Altean pillow and the pressure of darkness can’t kick him over to sleep, not the kind he needs, the kind that lets him sink into the bed and lasts for more than 20 minutes. That sort of sleep, it feels like, is long fucking gone.
*****
One night, or what passes for it in space, there’s a knock on his door.
That’s how he knows it isn’t Coran or Allura; they’d have gone straight for the chime. It’s not Hunk, either, because he favors shave and a haircut , and it’s not Lance because he’s a dick and would’ve pounded with both fists. And shouted. He’d definitely have shouted.
Pidge or Shiro, then.
And unless Pidge’s shot up a foot in the last few hours, the tapping is too tall for him. So.
“It’s alright, Shiro,” he calls, waving on the small bunkside lamp. “You can come in.”
The door slides open and Shiro steps in, frowning. “How’d you know it was me?”
“Lucky guess.”
“Right.”
It takes Keith a second to realize that Shiro looks weird. Well, not weird, but a lot less formal than usual; less like a Garrison Leader and more like a person. A person who’s wearing--
“Are those pajamas ?”
Shiro looks down at himself, looks back up at Keith, bemused. “To the best of my knowledge, yes. They’re not a matched set, but since it’s what I tend to sleep in, I think calling them pajamas is fair.”
“Oh. Sure.”
“I mean, if anyone’s attire is cause for comment, I think it’s yours. Aren’t those the clothes you wore today? And yesterday? And the day before that?”
“I put them through the ‘fresher every morning,” Keith says, defensive. “It’s not like I’m wandering around unwashed or something.”
“No, it’s”--Shiro holds his hands up, a little sign of surrender--“I wasn’t suggesting you were. Do you...is this what you wear every night?”
Keith bristles. “Yes. So?”
“So, maybe you’d have an easier time sleeping if you, you know, let yourself relax.”
“I am relaxed!”
Shiro’s mouth curves. “Yeah, obviously. Look at you. You’re the picture of rest and relaxation, Keith.”
Gods, what is it with this guy? “What are you doing here?”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Ugh.” Keith folds his arms across his chest, summons his best scowl. “You don’t need to be.”
“You haven’t slept in weeks. And that’s according to you. You don’t see a cause for concern?”
“I told you. I’m fine.”
Shiro steps towards the bunk, the lamp catching his face, the dark light of his eyes. “And I’m here as your friend to tell you you’re not. What happened with you and the Green Lion today?”
There’s a rush of heat in his face. “We--I lost track of it for a minute, that’s all.”
“And nearly crashed into its side. You could’ve been hurt. So could Pidge, along with both of your lions.”
“But I didn’t. Everything turned out fine. We got home in one piece, didn’t we?”
Shiro’s voice is terribly gentle. “Keith.”
“What?”
“That was just today. Last week, you almost went headfirst into that asteroid. And right before that, you--”
“Gods, shut up!” Keith says. There are tears in his eyes, tears, in front of freaking Shiro. It’s fucking horrific. “You don’t have to--I know I’ve screwed up, ok? I know each and every time I’ve made a mistake.”
“Keith--”
“I know I’m a fuck-up, alright? I know that, I know, you don’t have to come in here in the middle of the fucking night to remind me!”
“Hey,” Shiro says, a shot of steel in his voice, “no way. That’s not why I’m here.”
“Really? Really? Right. Sure, Shiro.”
“Damn it, don’t--!”
He shoves the tears from his cheeks and flies up, ready to punch Shiro if he has to, shove him out into the corridor, anything to make him go away. “Stop talking!” he barks. “Just shut up and get out of here!”
“No!” Shiro shouts, getting right in his face. “I’ve tried not talking to you about this, and you know what, that didn’t work! You’re still dead on your feet all the time, you still look sick, you still feel like you’re worthless and you think that you’re holding us back but you’re not, Keith! You’re not!”
Keith bares his teeth, balls his fists. “How the fuck do you know how I feel, huh?”
“How do I--?” Shiro looks furious. “What part of there are no secrets between paladins did you not understand?”
“What?”
“The mind-link,” Shiro says through gritted teeth. “When we’re Voltron. Do you not grok how it works?”
Keith snarls, tries to take a step back, but Shiro has him by the elbows like a vise. “You’ve been digging around in my head, then? That’s great. That’s real fucking leader-ly of you.”
“I’m not--I’m not digging around in your head! You’re broadcasting those feelings like they’re on a freaking repeater!”
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.” Shiro’s eyes are angry, his grip unrelenting. “Gods, don’t you see? The more tired you get, the louder your thoughts are. Your brain doesn’t have the energy to hold them back.”
There’s a sink of fear in Keith’s gut. He’s afraid it shows in his face; raises his voice just in case. “Well,” he spits, “that doesn’t mean you have to listen!”
“You’re impossible!” Shiro says through clentched teeth. “Honestly, gods, Keith, you’re the most--!”
There are a lot of things that rattle around in Keith’s head on those long nights in the Castle of Lions. Some nights, he can’t crawl out of sadness, can’t shake himself free of worry and doubt. Some nights, there’s fear: the shriek of Zarkon’s fighters; the screams of dying planets; the way the Red Lion trembles when he’s wounded.
But on some nights, when the silence is at its most still, Keith thinks about Shiro. Not the man who strides about with so much certainty, the man who never loses his cool, the man whose resolution, whose steadiness has held their shaky team together time and strange time again.
No, he thinks about the man he’d seen on the table on Earth, the man whose shackles he’d broken, the man who he’d half-carried, half-dragged into the open air, to the speeder, to safety. He remembers the weight of Shiro’s head on his shoulder and the stutter of his breath, the way he’d clung to Keith without reservation or shame, the soft grateful sounds he’d made against Keith’s neck as they staggered towards safety and away from chains and from fear:
Thank you, he’d murmured, his voice like a bruise. Whoever you are. Thank you.
And those thoughts slip sometimes into a dream, an imagined hour in his bed with Shiro bent over him, kissing him, petting at his skin until he cries out and making those same grateful sounds as he pushes into Keith’s body, fills him until there’s no room for thinking, no room for worry, no worry for something like doubt.
Keith, this dream-Shiro will murmur, his voice like a bruise. Thank you. Thank you.
On those longest of nights, the sweetest, he’ll take himself in hand and forget to muffle his cries. He’ll imagine the shape of Shiro’s mouth, the taste of its weight upon his, and stroke himself as Shiro would, slow and steady, each touch perfect and measured until it’s not, until they can’t be, until they’re fucking in earnest and all words are gone and there is, in the whole goddamn universe, only the two of them left, spend supernovas panting against each other’s hot skin.
And then, with the dream pulled about him, he’ll sleep, fall into a soft solid hour of respite but then awake feeling guilty, so fucking guilty, his flesh crawling in shame, and his eyes never close again after that.
Has he put that out into the mind-link? Those feelings, that momentary delusion. Does Shiro know about all of that, too?
“Fuck,” he says, frantic, twisting in Shiro’s arms, “do you ever shut up?”
“I don’t know. Do you ever listen?”
His heart is on fire, his whole body filled with panic. “Huh,” he spits, “maybe if you said something worth hearing.”
Shiro opens his mouth--to scold, to fuss, to shout, maybe all of the above--but in the same instant, their bodies collide, Keith’s thrashing crashing their hips together in a sweet sudden collision and oh, Keith thinks wild, disbelieving, oh gods, because Shiro is hard, stiff behind the soft turn of his sleep pants and he’s breathing startled into Keith’s face and not running away and this is a terrible idea, this isn’t even a thought, this is the best thing that Keith’s done all day:
He turns his face and jams his mouth against Shiro’s, less a kiss than a battering ram. It’s awkward and sideways and rushed and yet it makes Shiro moan, makes his hands fly up to cup Keith’s face and steady him, steady them, turn the awkward into something perfect and deep.
He tastes like Altean toothpaste, does Shiro, a dark, bitter berry. His tongue is demanding and his body unyielding and his fingers are cold, metal and skin both, and with all this, with just a kiss, he makes Keith see fucking stars.
“I didn’t come here for this,” Shiro whispers when they part, when their lips drift just enough to let words fly. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought about, um...but honestly, I came to see if you were all right.”
Keith slips his hand under the hem of Shiro’s t-shirt, lays his palm over cool, shivering skin. “Mmm, I know. But does that mean you want to stop?”
Shiro makes a tiny, pained sound, his cock twitching against Keith’s hip. “Stop? No. No no. Unless you--unless you want to.”
“No,” Keith says, biting gently at Shiro’s lip, his own curled up in a smile. “Definitely not.”
*****
In the morning, he’s slumped over his weird not-coffee when he feels a hand on his shoulder, a roughened voice saying: “Keith? How’d you sleep?”
He tips his head back and smiles. “Like a baby, actually. Once I got around to it. How about you?"
Shiro’s eyes are warm, his mouth still flushed. “About the same, actually.”
“Really? Huh. That’s funny.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Shiro touches the bruise he left on Keith’s neck, the only one the collar of his jacket can’t hide, and gives up a tired grin. “What a coincidence.”
The whole team is looking at them, aren’t they, and Lance is howling something tinged with disbelief but it’s fine, Keith isn’t worried about it; he’s not worried about a damn thing. For the moment, it’s the castle that’s bustling, brimming over with noise and ideas and life, while Keith’s head is quiet and settled, the joy of the night before pressing in on all sides.
“Good morning,” Shiro says, giving him one last squeeze, another lazy shot of a smile.
“Yeah,” Keith says to himself, to his last sip of coffee, to the goggled eyes of his teammates. “It is.”
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Could you do a lil drabble of Saeyoung comforting his brother after Saeran had a nightmare? Kinda like the v/mc fic but with the twins (PLEASE DONT MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP IN IT ANYTHING OTHER THAN PLATONIC. thought i should specify just in case.) you can have it set in the past or whatever cuz its your story but i just thought it would be a sweet bonding moment to cuddle and reassure each other that they’re safe now after all that shit with mint eye went down.
Sure ^^ Also you don’t need to worry about Choicest here. I think I even wrote in one of my first posts that I won’t write about something like this or smut. So here is a safe place if you don’t like those kind of things ^^ here all you will receive it will be a brotherly love (for the twins at least). I hope you will like it ^^
Possible triggers for some people. Violence and hard language. Please keep scrolling if you are easily triggered.
,,Saeyoung, Saeyoung, come here. Look, a butterfly!”
,,Huh? Oh, I see. It’s beautiful, like you, Saeran.”,,How so? Mom says I am ugly…and the butterfly is free to fly whenever it wants…”
,,Then I will help you become one. Let’s fly away from here. You and me. We only need each other. I will find a job and then we can just go whenever we want. Just wait. I will help you become free like that butterfly. I promise…”
Promise…promise…promis…lie…lies…LIES…LIAR!
Tears were falling down on the hacker’s pale skin. His twin, his other half betrayed him. He freed himself and let the other die in that madhouse named home. Now he knew the secret about Saeyoung’s words. Butterflies were free but their life was so short. There were given so much freedom and yet so little time. So his brother wanted him dead…yes…free from that world, from that weak body. He always was the weak one. This is why their mom always picked on him and not on the other.
,,Just wait ,,brother”, I will make you regret the day you abandoned me. I will destroy everything you love the most. No one mess with me and just live its life. Not anymore. I am not the same.”
The first months at Mint Eye were the worst. Not even in his home was treated so badly; and this was something. He wished for death every single day but his wishes were always ignored. Whenever he thought this was it someone would come and keep him alive then…then the torture continued. It continued until there was nothing left from the old Saeran. Until he disappeared.
Years of torture and abuse surely left him with some traumas. This is why he had so many nightmares. Sometimes the phantoms of the past were following him in the daylight as well.
,,Hell?” the boy laughed. ,,I live in Hell every single fucking day. And what did you save me from? Nothing…I…can’t forgive you.” Even after he was saved from Mint Eye, he could still not forgive his twin for letting him alone. The wounds were still fresh and bleeding.
Saeyoung tried his best to be around his younger twin more and do whatever he wanted…everything but one thing. To kill him. Saeran wanted to end it all, the pain was too much to bear, but Saeyoung couldn’t lose him like this. After all was his little brother and needed to be protected and this time he will do it right. No one will do it, but him.
It wasn’t easy in the condition Saeran was. Night and day the nightmares were haunting him, making him re-live the past over and over again.
The beatings, the insults, the drugs, the cold floor that served him as a bed, the icy water thrown at him to make him stronger. Everything was so fresh in his mind and the body was too tired to resist anymore. He was trembling every single night in the bed, sweat covering his tensed body. ,Why me?…why didn’t she killed me? It hurts…it hurts so much…please stop it…please…’ But the words didn’t came out. His throat was so dry and it was even harder to breath. He was suffocating. Another panic attack.
,,Look at you! You are so weak and pathetic. This is why I never loved you. This is why I tried to kill you. But you are like an annoying bug. You keep living even in the worst conditions. You are a weirdo. A creep. No one will ever love you. I feel ashamed to be you mother. You are a monster not my child!”
,,What is it, my poor, poor child? Did someone hurt you? I am so sad to see you hurt…but you are weak. The weak ones will always suffer. You are different, aren’t you? You just need someone to push you over the limit. I can do it. I can make you stronger. But you need to suffer more. Without suffering there is no paradise, my child. Remember, I hurt you because I love you. Just trust me and everything will end sooner than you think. You will thank me later. I am the only one that truly loves you. Who else would love a weak freak like you? Yes, inside you is a horrible monster that wants blood and revenge. Just give up, let him out.”
The words were echoing in his mind, making him feel sick, dizzy. But this wasn’t the worst thing. Then were the images, the flashbacks. He could feel those long and cold fingers dragging him, touching him; the fists punching him. The stomach pain from food poisoning or from starving for too long. The pain from the drugs, the ones that were forced down his throat. It hurt for days and he wasn’t even allowed to cry. If he cried they would beat him or drug him more. There was the dark room as well. Whenever he refused to do something he would be thrown there, alone, in the darkness for a week or more. It was hard to say for sure. Who would do that? A monster he thought. But wasn’t he one too? After everything he had done, he knew he became the monster that everyone is afraid of. All but one…Saeyoung. Apparently his stupid brother was not afraid. Or so he said. It was still hard to believe it.
,,Leave me alone…please…I just want to be alone…don’t…don’t touch me! Stay away! Please…Saeyou…why you left…? Please…”
….
,,Saeran?” The red haired male couldn’t finish his work for the agency, not before trying to talk with his brother once again. It was late but maybe he was awake. When he reached to the door to knock on it he heard the other male’s words. He sounded like it was in great pain so without any warning he opened the door to see what was happening. The scene in front of him was heartbreaking. Saeran was on the floor, hugging himself, trembling, with tears rolling down his face. ,,Not again…please…” It never was easy to see his little brother in that condition…so small and vulnerable, so broken. This only remembered him how much he disappointed his twin, how he failed him…how the adults betrayed them both.
He hurried and kneed on the floor, gently stroking the hair of his twin. ,,It alright, Saeran. I am here. Saeyoung is here. Your brother is here…I am here…I am here, little brother. I will never leave you alone again. I won’t. I won’t let anyone touch you ever again. Please, please…I am here…” Tears were falling down on his face now, his voice shaking. It was hard to talk and the only thing he knew to say was to reassure the other that he was there this time.
The hacker continued to caress the other’s hair gently and from time to time repeating he was there. This seemed to calm the younger twin after a while, his body starting to relax. Unfortunately the moment didn’t last. When Saeran opened his eyes, he looked up to see who was there. Saeyou…Seven. The hatred was so deep buried inside him that he just couldn’t control himself. Not after having that nightmare again. ,,YOU! YOU TRAITOR! I HATE YOU! YOU LEFT ME! DIE! JUST GO AND DIE! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” With tears rolling down its face, he started throw weak punches at the older male. He was weak. He couldn’t eat, sleep or rest at all. He was tired.
Saeyoung was already broken himself, but seeing his brother hating him so much it was destroying him. ,,I am sorry…I know I failed you. You have the right to hate me…but I do love you. You are my sweet little brother and no one can change this. I would give my life for yours. If I could change the past I would do it. I would happily stay with you and find another solution to escape mom. But this time together. But I can’t. I can only try to regain your trust and give you the life I always wanted to. I am lame, a weirdo, stupid, all you might think of. I know it. I deserve all the hatred, but you don’t deserve to suffer anymore. Please…let me help you…” With hesitation at first, he slowly wrapped his arms around the other male’s small body. God, he was so skinny. ,,I am so sorry…” They both were crying so hard; two messes.
After a few minutes of continuous crying, Saeran was the one that talked first. ,,You destroyed my shirt with your tears…and I hope it was only this…” Saeyoung laughed hearing that, still sniffing. ,,I am sorry, I am sorry. I will buy you a new one.”
,,And ice cream…”
,,Huh?”
,,I said ice cream too! What? Are you deaf now too? Stupid and deaf. What a brother.”
,,Hey! You hurt my feelings, brother. Little Seveny is soooooo saddy now.”
,,Can you please stop talking like this…?…nevermind…just leave me alone…”
Seven could only look confuse. He thought Saeran was feeling better but maybe he crossed the line a bit too much.
,,Look, I am really sorry. I thought…well…I thought you might not want to talk about what happened…this is all. You know, I have nightmares too. My worst nightmare is when I lose you. Since I work as a secret agent I am not allowed to have a family or people close to me. So…in that dream the agency finds about you and…send someone to take you away from me. I struggle but without result. I am captured as well and forced to watch as they torture and then…kill you. The worst part is that I pull the trigger. They drug me and I somehow lose the control over my body. Like I am so kind of robot. But I still have all the memories intact and the feelings…yet I can’t control myself. It’s my worst fear…to lose you…”
For a few moments there was only silence until Saeran decide to break it.
,,You will never do it. I know it…you abandoned me but you never did something to me yourself, with your hands. So…I expect to put someone else to do it. Plus, your are so weird that it will take too much time for them to control you. I think they will just give up.”
,,Haha…you are right…” He tried to laugh it off but his laugh was weird. He knew what his twin was trying to do. And it was admirable. ,,Thank you.”
,,For?” The white haired boy raised an eyebrow to the other male in confuse. He sighed tired of more conversation then forced himself to lift up from the ground but his legs didn’t cooperate. His brother caught him before to injure himself. ,,You okay? Here, let me help.” And without waiting for a reply, he just helped him get on the bed. Saeyoung was looking at his brother. He surely was too skinny.
,,I…thank you, but I could have done it by myself. I just needed some time.”
,,I know. My brother is really strong. You grew up into a strong man. I am so happy. But neglecting yourself won’t help. I am sorry…I will go back to work if you don’t like me here…” He tried to go away for Saeran’s sake, but before to be able to do so, the other male grabbed a part of his jacket. ,,Stay…please…” He wasn’t looking into his eyes, but down, at the bed. The red haired male understood and just nodded, taking a sit beside the other. ,,Okay. I will stay.”
Saeran wasn’t used to open up, but for the first time in so long he felt the need of his twin’s presence. Whenever he was there, he felt safe, at peace. He never hated him for real, but hated himself for being so weak, he blamed himself for being abandoned by his half. Now, he knew the truth. This didn’t erased the pain or the past but helped him heal.
,,Why did you told me about your nightmares?…I didn’t asked for…” His voice was so small, like he was scared to talk too loud.
,,Well…to be honest I thought it will help you feel less alone. I know we didn’t went through the same things but I know how it is to suffer because of the past and how it is to not be able to sleep because of the nightmares, how it is to be scared. You are not alone in this, you don’t need to be.”
,,How did you manage to get over your nightmares?” He just ignored what the other said.
,,I…didn’t. I still have them. But what helps me now is your presence. Whenever I feel anxious I come and check on you. If I can see you then I am okay. Before to find you I had a photo of yours smiling. I always had it on my desk and looked at it. It helped me whenever I felt depressed or like giving up. You made me continue going on. You were my reason to live.”
,,Please don’t tell me you love me now. Don’t transform this into a cheap drama.”
,,Hey, I wouldn’t do that, but I do love you. You are my little brother.”
,,Hmph…I don’t love you. I prefer girls.”
,,Meanie…”
,,Weirdo.” After a small pause he continued. ,,I don’t have a reason to go on. It keeps haunting me…every night is the same. Mom…Rika…you…everyone is laughing at me or hurt me. I want to make it stop but I am too weak. I don’t know what to do. I am just an unwanted, weak little boy. I want to make it stop…but you are never there to help me. I am scared…I want to believe you will be here for me but I can’t. I am scared…that you will disappear again. That you will leave me behind again…”
Saeyoung didn’t let his twin finish the sentence and just hugged him tight. ,,I am so sorry I was a brother like that. But I promise that I will always be here from now on. I will never leave you alone again. If mom or Rika comes back I will fight them and not let them touch you. I will come into your dreams and make them run away. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
This time, Saeran returned the hug. It was nice to be hugged so tight. He could feel the warmth of the other. It was calming. ,,Thank you…Saeyoung. Umm…then can I ask you something?”
,,Sure. Whatever you want, little brother.”
,,Don’t call me little…I am an adult now. But…can you stay here tonight? I don’t want to be alone…”
,,Of course. I will stay here. So please, try to rest, you need some sleep.”
,,You too…you worked the whole week…without rest…” He spoke with pause between some words, tired, his eyes barely staying open. But he wasn’t the only one in that situation. Seven wasn’t far away from passing out too.
Breaking the hug, the males made themselves comfortable on the bed. Good that there was enough space for them. Saeran was the first that fell asleep. Saeyoung patted his head and gave him a kiss on the forehead. This was something he would do as a kid. Saeran was so happy back then…they were inseparable. ,,Goodnight, little brother. Don’t worry. I will be right here so no one will come for you tonight. You sleep and I will protect you.” With these being said, he closed his eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. After so many years apart they were sleeping together again, like when they were kids. They were a family again, and this time no one could separate them again.
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nightmares
@artisticfade
too uncreative to name this a real name. but it’s basically sam and des talking about nightmares.
trigger warnings: nightmare talk, death talk, hints of sexual assault
Sam: -wakes up from a nightmare and immediately hops up from the couch, rushing down the hall, stubbing his foot on the way, and peeking into des's room to check on him. Is surprised to find him awake- oh... hey... you okay?
Des: -Des startles when his door suddenly opens, peering at Sam in surprise- Er...yeah. Are you okay? You're pale. -He doesn't think twice before patting his bed. He doesn't know what's going on with Sam lately but he has to admit it's kind of nice to have him back again-
Sam: -he hesitates a long moment, for obvious reasons, like the fact that he hasn't been in des's room in years, but he slips in anyway, awkwardly, self-consciously, running his hands through his messy blond hair, biting his lower lip- I'm good, I'm good, no worries.... -the lie is not smooth enough and he winces, but comes over to the bed anyway, flopping down onto the bed in a curled up position on his side- your couch really sucks..
Des: -he scoots over to give Sam more room, closing his laptop from when he was watching a film- Sorry, mate. You can sleep here if you want. -He shrugs nonchalantly, though his heart stutters at the prospect- Or you can go home. You don't have to stay here if you don't want.
Sam: Shut up.. -sam closes his eyes at the suggestion of going home. Of course that's not gonna happen, if sam could sleep better at his own place, he wouldn't have come here at all in the first place, not that he could ever tell des that. He pauses a moment- you ever get nightmares, des? -images of them all dying, being torn to pieces, race behind his eyes-
Des: -he frowns at the question. He could lie like he has to everyone else, hiding the fact that for the past year he's been having frequent nightmares that leave him gasping for breath. He doesn't want to lie to Sam though. Hes just starting to get him back. so, he puts away his laptop and scoots down to lay beside him- yeah. a lot actually. why?
Sam: -sam's eyes flutter open and he watches des just lie next to him, suddenly wondering if maybe the nightmares aren't only just him, if maybe they're all having bad dreams and he's not going crazy all by himself- really? You are?? About what, what do you dream about -he tries to keep it hidden, but the intensity is leaking into his sleep deprived eyes-
Des: -Des is okay with admitting he has them but he doesn't want to go into details, because he hates thinking about them, but he sees the desperation in sam's eyes, like he needs to know the answer. so he takes in a shaky breath and looks up at the ceiling in thought- i don't know. most of the time i can't remember. i just wake up panicking. the glowing helps me calm down. -he explains- But sometimes it's just like...hands all over me, but the person doesn't have a face.assuming this is after the festival or during)
Sam: -Sam turns and shifts onto his back, locking his eyes onto the ceiling so he doesn't have to maintain eye contact, because now there's real fear in Sam's heart, but when des starts describing stuff, his emotions get all mixed... des is not having the same sort of dreams that Sam is having... sam is still alone- oh I see... too many people around you? Dreams about being pulled apart?? - he pauses- do you ever like... dream about the others?(Also yes, after festival
Des: -he looks over at Sam with concern written all over his features. it's obvious he's asking for his own sake and after what happened with jude and imogen, he wonders if it's all connected- well, it's more like dreams about one person. are you having dreams about the others?
Sam: No. -his answer is quick and curt, his eyes hardening and refusing to look at des now- I'm not, we're not-- I thought we were talking about you.. -he chuckles a little, mirthlessly, aware that des is watching him-
Des: But why are you asking me about nightmares? -des asks carefully, trying to tread carefully to not set off sam. he averts his gaze to put less pressure on sam, playing with his blanket idly- look, i know things between us have been a mess these past years, but you can still tell me anything, yeah? i've been so shit to you, and i'm sorry, but i still care. i won't judge you.
Sam: I... don't know, can't I just ask about things? -it bothers him how much des picks up whenever they're around each other and even though he's starting to feel bad about hiding things from him and everybody, he still feels like it's necessary- des, don't. You... haven't been shit. Things just happen sometimes and people stop getting along. But you know I didn't... I mean I don't mean any of that stuff I said...
Des: You can. It just seems like you've got something specific in mind. -Des murmures, deciding not to push it further. Of course, he wanst to know what's going on with Sam, but he doesn't want force it out of him. It'd only make him resent him, which is the last thing he wants. Des tears his gaze from the ceiling and blinks at Sam in surprise- You didn't? Then why did you...? -He pauses with a shake of his head- We're really fucking stupid, you know that, right? If we had just bloody talked to each other, we might have fixed this ages ago.September 25, 2017
Sam: -sam doesn't answer, the truth squirming in his chest uncomfortably. He doesn't want to explain his powers, he doesn't want to scare des, tell him he can see the future and oh by the way, he has also been dreaming of everyone dying. It's not fun. Again Sam feels des's eyes on him but he doesn't return the look, simply shrugging- I don't know... I get really caught up in things and it frustrates me and you keep... we keep making things hard for each other. I feel like I try to talk to people about things but they're never satisfied with what I'm saying. Like nobody trusts me, why should I trust them? -he sighs- I'm... sorry we keep fighting though. It's not really what I want
Des: -des nods in understanding, unable to help but feel guilty. sam's behavior makes a lot more sense know, considering he isn't feeling heard . des knows that he's definitely a culprit of doing the same thing to him, too caught up on the fact that sam was mad in general and getting defensive about it- I'm sorry too. -he murmurs- I was unfair to you. I was so quick to shoot you down instead of hear you out, and I don't want to do that to you...I miss you. -He admits-a lot more sense now*
Sam: -the last sentence sort of throws sam a little bit and his eyes falter and flick around the room unsteadily. part of him wants to look over at des now, but most of him is worried he's going to start crying or some shit and he really cannot break down right now, he has to be strong. for des- you really.. dont need to apologize, desmond. i've been an ass, i know i have, i just... i have my reasons, yknow? i dont know how to go into things without going into them, but i have things under control now. -which is only partially true, as evidenced by the way his voice shakes a bit. he pauses a moment before nudging des's arm- hey now, we're getting way too mushy. -he ought to change the subject quick- have you been in here working on school?
Des: -by the shakiness of sam's voice, it's obvious that he doesn't have things under control, and des really wants to dig deeper to find out what's really going on. all he can hope is that sam will come to him when he's ready, which goes against all of his instincts, because he's not patient. he blinks in surprise at the nudge, giving sam a weak smile before shrugging- no. just watching a film. i couldn't sleep.
Sam: You couldn’t sleep? -that sounds oh, so familiar. he doesn’t want to push the subject but at the same time, a nagging voice in the back of his head is wondering if maybe des is having the same sort of nightmares too. something in sam is desperate to find someone, anyone, in their group who might be going through what he’s going through. so far, no such luck- not been sleeping well? are you.. i mean.. do you wanna talk about it? i read a book once one interpreting dreams, maybe i can help. -he chuckles a bit, reciting the complete lie-
Des: -des averts his gaze to his sheets, fiddling with them idly as he debated whether to tell sam or not. it seemed a bit unfair to be opening himself up when sam is diverting the subject away from his old problems, but the temptation is there. admitting it aloud makes it real though, and des isn't sure he can handle that- so you're an expert now? -des asks with a weak laugh- there's not much to talk about, i guess. just have bad dreams a lot. maybe whatever happened that beach fucked with my head.
Sam: -at des’s admission, sam actually does turn and look straight at him, his eyes bright and clear and wide. he’s still hesitant to tell him anything of his own issues, but knowing des is going through nightmares also leaves him feeling… mixed emotions. on one hand, he’s not as alone as he thought maybe he was. on the other, no one deserves the kind of turmoil their going through- i have bad dreams a lot too. -he nods slightly. his throat starts burning with untold secrets- i haven’t slept well either. not for… a while… maybe what happened at that beach fucked with all of us. i know you and jude and everybody think it’s great but i just… i don’t -he looks down-
Des: -des’ gaze snaps to sam, surprised by his willingness to open up. it’s his first step towards admitting that something happened to him that night too, a stark contrast to the time they argued about it in Brighton- im starting to see the cons now. -he admits with a quiet laugh, still upset about hurting imogen- but hey, i’m sorry about pushing you to talk back in brighton. just...if you ever want to tell me your side of what’s going on, i’ll listen, yeah? i want to be here for you too.
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==> Noru: Lie awake at night thinking about people who wash their hair with soap
-- rainbowReflectivity [RR] began pestering hydraulicPsychiatrist [HP] at 02:53 --
[02:53] HP: Hello!
[02:53] RR: ) ) u remember me ( (
[02:53] HP: To be honest, no, sorry
[02:54] RR: ) ) thank god ( (
[02:54] HP: Give me a hint?
[02:54] RR: ) ) hows it goin yo ( (
[02:54] RR: ) ) peanut butter ( (
[02:54] HP: That
[02:54] HP: Sounds very familiar
[02:54] RR: ) ) dont think on it too hard ( (
[02:55] HP: Well I am now
[02:55] RR: ) ) no ( (
[02:55] RR: ) ) do not do that ( (
[02:55] HP: Yes
[02:55] HP: I will do that
[02:55] RR: ) ) i have a hypothetical question to distract you ( (
[02:55] HP: I love hypothetical questions
[02:56] RR: ) ) how many hangers do you think it would take to hang a scrawny 6'someshit man in his closet by his suspenders and or shirt ( (
[02:56] RR: ) ) asking for a friend ( (
[02:56] RR: ) ) whos super not a dumbass ( (
[02:57] HP: You can't do that, really
[02:57] RR: ) ) why ( (
[02:57] HP: Hangers are not very strong
[02:57] RR: ) ) yeah but if you like ( (
[02:57] RR: ) ) tied a bunch together with duct tape or socks ( (
[02:57] HP: They would bend because they are made to be flexible
[02:58] HP: Also
[02:58] HP: What is the context of this
[02:58] RR: ) ) what kind of shitty ass hangers do they give you bluebloods ( (
[02:58] RR: ) ) no reason ( (
[02:58] HP: Normal ones?
[02:58] RR: ) ) just yknow ( (
[02:58] RR: ) ) looking for new sleeping arrangements ( (
[02:59] HP: I wouldn't recommend that as a sleeping arrangement
[02:59] RR: ) ) why not ( (
[02:59] HP: Unless you want to physically murder your back?
[02:59] RR: ) ) how would it murder my back. it'd be fine the hangers are doing all the work ( (
[03:00] RR: ) ) what if i taped em to the ceiling ( (
[03:00] RR: ) ) and made some sort of like janky sexless hanger sex swing ( (
[03:00] RR: ) ) a sleep swing ( (
[03:01] RR: ) ) of hangers ( (
[03:01] HP: Okay, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can
[03:01] RR: ) ) no youre not ( (
[03:02] RR: ) ) i feel it ( (
[03:02] HP: Do you want me to put it in a mean way?
[03:03] RR: ) ) i mean whatever you're into ( (
[03:04] RR: ) ) im not used to being niced at when being called a dumb shit is a much easier option ( (
[03:06] HP: Hmm
[03:06] HP: Okay, so none your ideas will work, and I am concerned because you may die?
[03:06] HP: I tried to be medium on a scale of nice to mean
[03:07] RR: ) ) thanks ( (
[03:07] RR: ) ) i dont think ill die tho ( (
[03:07] RR: ) ) my ceiling isnt that high unfortunately ( (
[03:07] RR: ) ) not like in a 'i wish falling off the ceiling would kill me' way ( (
[03:07] HP: It doesn't take that much to kill you if you fall at the right angle
[03:08] RR: ) ) like a im a big ass dude in a tiny ass lowblood apartment way ( (
[03:08] RR: ) ) not with all the shit on my floor ( (
[03:08] RR: ) ) ive got a cushioned fall ( (
[03:09] HP: I once fell from a relatively short distance and broke my wrist evn though it was onto a soft thing
[03:09] RR: ) ) ow ( (
[03:10] HP: It's okay, because I have a robot arm now and it's
[03:10] HP: Well
[03:10] HP: Totally sick
[03:10] RR: ) ) that sounds ill as fuck ( (
[03:10] RR: ) ) what color is it ( (
[03:10] RR: ) ) is it gold ( (
[03:10] RR: ) ) is it platinum ( (
[03:11] HP: It's black
[03:11] HP: Not super dark black
[03:11] RR: ) ) if i ever lose a limb i want to get a new one in the fucking ugliest mutant shade of teal ( (
[03:11] RR: ) ) lame ( (
[03:12] HP: Teal is a nice colour!
[03:12] HP: I think wearing ridiculous amounts of gold if you're any higher than teal is a bit, um
[03:13] RR: ) ) a bit um ( (
[03:14] HP: It makes you look like the kind of highblood who yells at a lowblooded cashier for saying 'no problem' instead of 'thanks, have a good day'
[03:14] RR: ) ) i like seeing my bloodcolor all over highbloods tho ( (
[03:14] RR: ) ) its kinda hot ( (
[03:14] HP: You want to try going up to them and telling them that?
[03:15] RR: ) ) that they're hot? ( (
[03:15] HP: Yes
[03:15] HP: Because of the yellow
[03:15] RR: ) ) you think my ugly fuckin mug can go up to ANYONE and tell them theyre hot without getting the snot beat outta me ( (
[03:15] RR: ) ) i mean you havent seen me ( (
[03:16] RR: ) ) but im a goddamn mess ( (
[03:16] RR: ) ) so like no ( (
[03:16] RR: ) ) ill just fan myself from afar like some royal asshole or some shit ( (
[03:17] HP: I was thinking more that you would die
[03:17] HP: But fair point I guess
[03:18] RR: ) ) yea ( (
[03:19] RR: ) ) what am i supposed to do with all these hangers ( (
[03:19] RR: ) ) i paid 5 dollars for this 40 pack but now im having second thoughts ( (
[03:19] RR: ) ) damn you ( (
[03:19] HP: Sorry!
[03:20] RR: ) ) thats 5 bucks thats not getting me bandage socks ( (
[03:20] RR: ) ) or hair soap ( (
[03:20] HP: Wait
[03:20] RR: ) ) shit ( (
[03:20] HP: You weren't the heathen that washes their hair just with soap, were you
[03:21] RR: ) ) everyone washes their hair with some sort of soap my man ( (
[03:21] HP: That is not an excuse!!
[03:21] RR: ) ) its the same DAMN SHIT ( (
[03:22] HP: It's the same thing if fish an frogs are the same thing
[03:22] RR: ) ) i wouldnt wash my hair with a frog ( (
[03:23] HP: Indicating that you would with a fish?
[03:24] RR: ) ) you know its taking all of me to not respond to that with some sort of uncouth joke about seadwellers ( (
[03:24] HP: I don't want to hear anything about any seadwellers
[03:25] RR: ) ) u brought up fish ( (
[03:25] RR: ) ) but anyway ( (
[03:25] RR: ) ) like i wouldnt wash my hair with a real life gilled and finned fish no ( (
[03:26] HP: But yo would wash your hair with soap and not shampoo
[03:26] RR: ) ) i dont have to worry about conflicting scents ( (
[03:26] HP: Scentless shampoo is a thing
[03:26] RR: ) ) no shampoo smells exactly the same as the bar counterpart ( (
[03:26] RR: ) ) gross ( (
[03:26] HP: It's not a counterpart!
[03:27] HP: Why would you do this to yourself
[03:27] RR: ) ) i dont trust anything thats scentless ( (
[03:27] RR: ) ) it IS and you know it ( (
[03:27] RR: ) ) $ ( (
[03:27] RR: ) ) $pite ( (
[03:27] HP: Didn't I offer to personally buy you bucketloads of shampoo last time we talked
[03:28] HP: Because if i dodn't I will
[03:28] RR: ) ) first of all never ever use the term bucketloads to me again ( (
[03:28] HP: What's wrong with the term bucketloads
[03:28] RR: ) ) bruh ( (
[03:28] RR: ) ) second of all yes but i declined because i refuse to be some bluebloods hair charity case ( (
[03:28] HP: Brah
[03:29] HP: It's not a charity case
[03:29] HP: It's therapy
[03:29] HP: For me
[03:29] RR: ) ) how the fuck ( (
[03:29] HP: Because I will lie awake thinking about this at night
[03:29] RR: ) ) envy all the money im saving ( (
[03:29] HP: The fact that someone in the world uses soap to wash their hair
[03:30] HP: Is going to haunt me until I die
[03:30] RR: ) ) im going to go do it right now ( (
[03:30] RR: ) ) im going to eat it after ( (
[03:30] HP: I'm going to write 'use shampoo' on my gravestone
[03:30] HP: No!!!
[03:30] RR: ) ) yes ( (
[03:31] RR: ) ) nom ( (
[03:31] HP: You'll throw it back up
[03:31] RR: ) ) i clean my entire self AND get a meal out of this bar of soap ( (
[03:31] RR: ) ) says who ( (
[03:31] HP: Science and me
[03:31] RR: ) ) you think im not accustomed to the taste of soap motherfucker? ( (
[03:31] HP: It's not the taste
[03:32] HP: It's the chemicals
[03:33] RR: ) ) mmmmm soap ( (
[03:33] HP: You'll have to clean up your own puke
[03:33] RR: ) ) there'll already be soap in it ( (
[03:33] RR: ) ) so easy ( (
[03:34] HP: That's not
[03:34] HP: No
[03:35] HP: I mean technically you're not wrong
[03:35] HP: But also no
[03:35] RR: ) ) yes ( (
[03:35] HP: No
[03:35] RR: ) ) come to daddy soap soap ( (
[03:35] HP: Now I'm kinkshaming
[03:36] RR: ) ) hey youre the one with the shampoo fetish ( (
[03:36] RR: ) ) im just a simple soap farmer ( (
[03:36] RR: ) ) living off my soap crops ( (
[03:36] HP: It's called hygeiene and taking care of yourself
[03:37] RR: ) ) i do take care of myself ( (
[03:37] RR: ) ) i can name at least one instance of taking so much care of myself that happened within the last 24 hours ( (
[03:37] HP: You were just talking about sleeping on a bunch of hangers
[03:37] RR: ) ) for my back? ( (
[03:38] HP: It would ruin your back
[03:38] RR: ) ) my recouperacoons being fucky and i cant fix it ( (
[03:38] RR: ) ) what else am i supposed to do man ( (
[03:38] HP: Have fun cleaning up that soap puke when it hurts to bend over
[03:39] HP: Sofa? Bed? Lots of blankets on the floor?
[03:39] RR: ) ) ehhhhhhhhh ( (
[03:39] RR: ) ) none of those give you that floating feeling ( (
[03:39] RR: ) ) i need the slime or somethign like it ( (
[03:40] HP: you can get the slime and fill your bath with it
[03:40] HP: Or one of those inflatable pools
[03:41] RR: ) ) how am i supposed to get slime when my recouperacoon is sick ( (
[03:41] RR: ) ) do they actually sell that shit ( (
[03:41] HP: Yes
[03:41] HP: What do you think other people do when their coons break
[03:42] RR: ) ) fix them or hang themselves from the ceiling?? ( (
[03:42] RR: ) ) anyways ( (
[03:42] HP: No!!
[03:42] RR: ) ) i do actually have to go find a solution cause i gotta pass the fuck out sometime fore the sun sets again ( (
[03:42] HP: I have a spare one
[03:42] HP: Spare coon
[03:43] RR: ) ) srsly? ( (
[03:43] HP: Yeah
[03:43] RR: ) ) like just laying around? ( (
[03:43] HP: Yes
[03:43] RR: ) ) are you gonna kill me if i come to you and use it? ( (
[03:43] HP: Kill you?
[03:43] HP: Why would I do that?
[03:43] RR: ) ) its a good murderer ruse ( (
[03:43] RR: ) ) come down this alley kid ive got sleep for yas right here ( (
[03:44] HP: I live in a ruin in a forest
[03:44] HP: Oh wait
[03:44] HP: That isn't much better is it
[03:44] RR: ) ) okay then thats not happening tonight ( (
[03:44] RR: ) ) i live in th city m'man ( (
[03:44] HP: The forest is next to the city
[03:45] RR: ) ) im like dead center ( (
[03:45] RR: ) ) of the city ( (
[03:45] HP: Anyway I've never killed anyone before so killing you now for no reason would be kind of anticlimactic
[03:45] HP: I work in the middle of the city in a clinic
[03:45] HP: There's beds there too
-- rainbowReflectivity [RR] ceased pestering hydraulicPsychiatrist [HP] at 03:46 --
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Hard Habit to Break
Pairing: Dean x Reader
Word Count: 1,522
Beta: Huge thanks to @seenashwrite
A/N: This was written for @mrs-squirrel-chester’s Album Challenge. I choose the album, “Ash & Ice” by the Kills which is a hella angsty album. Whoops. I love angsty indie rock. This was written for the third song on the album, “Hard Habit to Break.” This is a bit deep which I’m blaming on the album. :) This is told from Dean’s POV.
Also on A03
You're really getting close to me
So far so close to me
So point me to a yes no yes no yes
Don't tell me maybe
I knew that I could never have a normal life. Intellectually, I knew that. It was too dangerous. I mean look what happened to Dad, Mom and then Sam’s girlfriend, Jess. So how could I willingly choose to put the woman I love through that? What kind of monster would that make me? Mom and Jess both died in agony, burning on frickin’ ceilings. Come on. Yeah, we ganked the bastard who did it, but so what? There will always be some other black eyed scum around to take away the love of my life.
Demons have it out for Winchesters. I understand the hatred toward my family. Hell, how many demons have Sam and I taken out just this year? Of course they’d hold a grudge, and that’s why I shouldn’t get entangled with anyone.
When I get the itch, I sleep with women at bars. I let them know upfront that it’s one night. They’re okay with it; I’m okay with it. There are no strings, no drama. I move on, and I don’t think about the girl. She’s safer that way. No real connections. At least, that’s what I’d always tell myself, but then… But then, why? Why can’t I leave her?
I mean, I go through the same motions every time. I come into town every few months. I tell her goodbye and I actually believe it every time. I believe that this will be the time I’ll be strong enough to truly leave. Then I can’t. I can never really leave her. She’s all I think about, all I want. I try and sleep her away with other girls but it never works. I call out her name when I orgasm more often than not.
When it’s over, when I’m done with the girls on the side, I close my eyes and I see her face, that sly smile she gives me when she’s half-awake. The way she stretches like a cat, arching her back and presenting her perfect breasts to my lustful gaze. How she turns to me and says my name. The way she says it half-sleepy, half-reverently, almost like a prayer. The sound that not only makes me instantly hard but make me fall in love with her more. I hold her tight for a long time, letting my mind go blank. I am reassured in her touch. I feel whole in her arms. And all the while, I know I’m putting her at risk, just by being close to her. If any monsters found out how much I cared, her head would be on the chopping block; maybe literally. But I can’t give her up. She’s in my blood, in my mind. As selfish as this may sound, we belong together.
The months when I will myself to stay away are hell on me. I break down. I cry, I scream, I get angry. I’m really not okay without her. Nothing else matters when I’m like this.
I don’t have my heart in the hunt. Sometimes, I’m even reckless. The alcohol tastes horrible, the women don’t feel the same, and I don’t feel the same. I feel guilt-ridden and horrible every time I flirt with anyone else; much less touch another woman.
I’m gruffer with Sammy and shit, he doesn’t deserve that. I just get so angry with him. I want to apologize but I mean, how would that go? I can’t let him know why I’m acting this way. So what lie would explain all this? The less people that know about her; the safer she is. Or am I keeping her quiet because I want to keep her a secret? Because I want her all to myself? Why is love so confusing? And for the record? I didn’t want to fall in love with her, it just happened.
You think you're there to hold my hair
To come and drag me home
You think you're gonna dress me up
From head to toe and then I'll go?
Well I'm a hard hard habit to break
I'm a hard hard habit to break
Your mind's playing tricks on me
You got me where you want me
I'm going left right left right left right
Through the city
Every time I leave, I see the heartbreak in her eyes. Every time, she wants to ask me to stay. I know she wants to know why I always have to leave but I can’t tell her, and somehow she never asks. She just looks at me pointedly as I leave. I want to be happy. I want the white picket fence life, I do, and that’s why I keep coming back. She’s the one habit I can’t break. I will always keep coming back.
It may not be fair to either of us, but she hasn’t kicked me out. She hasn’t moved on or changed the locks. She simply opens the door with a big smile, grabbing me and drawing me into her arms. She gives me the most passionate kiss and the sex is dynamic, wild, uninhibited, a true show of our passion for each other. Maybe one day, I’ll have the balls to either marry her or finally leave her.
And I can't get enough of the heat
And I can't shake it off in a beat
You gotta fix me up or let me go
And I'll quit it
It's a hard hard habit to break
It's a hard hard habit to break
A hard hard habit to break
It's a hard hard habit to break
It's a hard hard habit to break
It's a hard hard habit to break
A hard hard habit to break
It's a hard hard habit to break
But right now, for tonight and tomorrow, all I need is her. She is my drug and I can’t get enough. She is the air I breathe. I know it’s reckless and stupid to come to her when I’m broken and wounded. Even Sammy wonders where I’m going. He’s calling me, but I don’t care. This was a rough hunt and I need her. I need her to heal me, body and soul. I need her hands on my body, reassuring me that I deserve to be loved by her.
I stand on her doorstep bleeding onto her mat, tears in my eyes, worried that she’ll reject me, but what does she do? She ushers me inside. Her soft hands get to work on my wounds. Never once does she ask questions. She just looks at me, silently begging me to stop doing whatever has left me in this state. And in this moment, I wish I could say yes. I want to say yes. That look of fear and worry on her face, that look destroys me.
I send a quick message to Sam, so he knows I’m still alive and well. I promise to explain. What I’ll say, how much I’ll divulge to him, I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t quit her, ever.
She fixes my wounds and the worry is replaced by a smile as we cuddle silently. There’s no need for any words to be said. She’s mine and I’m hers. For whatever happens next.
Always talking about change
What change, what change?
Maybe when the lights fade
Maybe it's my mistake
Always talking about change
What change, what change?
Maybe it's your mistake
Always talking about change
What change, what change?
Maybe it's our mistake
What change? What change?
Tagging
Forevers: @purgatoan, @killerofthesouth, @charliebradbury1104, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @chelsea072498, @everday-supernatural-af, @kalliravennee, @toogardenenthusiast, @winchesterprincessbride, @one-shots-supernatural, @take-me-tonirvana, @hellsmother, @ellen-reincarnated1967, @faegal04, @deals-with-demons, @mamaredd123, @atc74, @hamartiamacguffin
Dean Folks from my list: @buckymetallicstump, @faith-in-dean, @bennyyh, @ruprecht0420 @supernatural-jackles, @jesspfly, @webcricket
@aprofoundbondwithdean, @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @dr-dean, @nichelle-my-belle, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @thegreatficmaster, @salvachester, @blushingsamgirl, @bkwrm523, @whispersandwhiskerburn, @lipstickandwhiskey, @impala-dreamer, @samsgoddess, @frenchybell, @scorpiongirl1, @for-the-love-of-dean, @cici0507, @fiveleaf, @deansleather, @curliesallovertheplace, @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname, @waywardjoy, @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious, @kayteonline, @supernatural-jackles, @idreamofhazel, @wevegotworktodo, @ilovedean-spn2 , @quiddy-writes, @wi-deangirl77, @deantbh, @mysaintsasinner, @chelsea-winchester, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki, @fandommaniacx, @teamfreewillimagines, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @castieltrash1, @supernaturallyobsessed, @memariana91, @writingbeautifulmen, @captain-princess-rose, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @idreamofhazel, @revwinchester, @supermoonpanda, @ageekchiclife, @i-dont-know-how-to-write, @vintagevalentinexx, @ohwritever, @ruinedbydestiel, @winchester-writes, @mysupernaturalfics, @thinkwritexpress, @sammit-janet @bowtiesandapplepie, @itsemmyb, @ezauraemmaline, @matteson-crazed, @castielspahdehrah, @charliesbackbitches, @crzcorgi, @gryffindorable713, @deerlululucy, @walkingencyclopediaoffandom, @MrsJohnSmith, @manawhaat, @growleytria, @thegleegeneration, @samtomydeanwinchester, @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki, @i-never-said-a-pilot, @thewinchestielboys, @supermoonpanda, @sis-tafics, @amaranthinecastiel, @kittenofdoomage, @samanddeanwinchester67, @prettyxwickedxthings, @ferferelli @lilyoflothlorien, @myfand0msandm0re, @olitzisbae, @iridianuniverse, @the-morning-star-falls, @shortandlongstories, @strange-inhumanity, @ackleslaugh @noisilyyoungpuppy, @fangirling-instead-of-working, @eyes-of-a-disney-princess, @chrisatplay, @kayteonline, @spnsimpleman, @faith-in-dean, @gimmethepieandnoonegetshurt, @for-the-love-of-dean, @mamaimpala, @winchesterfiesta, @zanthiasplace, @sleep-silent-angel, @pada-ackles-reads, @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, @gadreelsforbiddenfruit, @trenchcoats-and-bees, @curliesallovertheplace, @jencharlan, @not-so-natural-spn, @skybinx-blog, @thebunkerismyhome, @feelmyroarrrr, @beachy2014, @fandom-book-nerd, @tia58, @@sams-little-toy, @sunriserose1023, @saving-things-hunting-family, @winchesterswoonathon, @jotink78, @lucifer-in-leather, @babypieandwhiskey, @howmanytuesdaysdidyouhave, @supernatural-jackles, @avasmommy224, @angelwingsandsupernaturalthings, @mysaintsasinner, @chelsea-winchester, @spn-fan-girl-173, @besslincoln-bruh, @wheresthekillswitch, @shelovesallthethings @maraisabellegrey, @notnaturalanahi
#dean x reader#dean x reader fanfic#dean x reader fanfiction#dean x reader angst#dean#dean winchester#dean angst#supernatural#spn#supernatural fanfic#supernatural fanfiction#spn fanfic#spn fanfiction#dean winchester fanfic#dean winchester fanfiction#dean fanfic#dean fanfiction#dean x reader angst fanfiction#dean x reader angst fanfic#dean winchester angst#supernatural angst#spn angst#supernatural oneshot#spn oneshot#dean & reader#dean & reader fanfic#dean & reader fanfiction#supernatural reader insert#spn reader insert
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