#i dont like it anymore than anyone else does but i cant control my inner beast(artist)

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

[ultimo-452-blog]

More words

so how do i start this, another one? i thought it would be a good idea, some good fun i can sit here and type no need for a reason a way to express myself well that would be treason my inner thoughts would make others crazy all they think is he is chill and lazy they think i just drink on the dayly they dont see the me when im alone the one thats constantly checking his phone i know theres no new messages i haven't messaged anyone but i imagine everyone is just out having fun no thought of mitch, why would they? it's not like i dont enjoy company but to much of people makes me deceitful they want to come hang but don't treat me as equal its peacefull when i tell them im busy  or going to bed my time alone is my time to fix my head rewire my cognitive abilitys because i pretent to live in tranquility but the stress is sometimes to much for me thats why i have taken to realizing the reality i can't change a thing so i don't even try i've tried before and all i did was cry more words to virtual paper to review later its like taking an escalator with no taper it just keeps going while i stand here i have to harden myself and have no fear but whats the use if the destination is meaningless i live for the moment thinking about the end is pointless like at the end of this life thats the end of "this life" it does not matter what comes after wont effect now so why live a life that is filled with trife live a life filled with asking how why, what or whatever just simply question if you live in inignorance dismay is your direction my view on god is simply "nothing" because before god there was something everything started with a void of nothing you simply cant contemplate heres an example god was created by whatever created god that was created by something and so on and so forth. if you go back far enought past the "begining" there was nothing. or other theorys like it was and ending of something that created this new begining. but what created that? if everything started with a "big bang" what created that? something created from "nothing". enough rambling... now back to the story all about how my life got twisted turned upside down now i'd like to take a minute and sit right here and tell you all about how your thinking about the prince of bel air its easy to sway a mind to somthing familiair like a song or a jingle something to make your mind tingle i'm usually "triggered" by a lyric you just think the words when you hear it its like a wall in the dark, you know when you feel it but it was there the whole time you just couldent see it like a ghost you know when your near it if your mind is quiet enough you can hear it enough with thoghts back to the story this ones about a girl who adored me we lived far away but that wasent new what i felt in my heart i knew was true so the opertunity came for me to see her i changed the directions on the drive to meet her before this it was only video chat back on msn when that was the shat i got to her door more nervous than ever before my heart couldent beat louder as i knocked on the door she answerd and let us both in i was in pure bliss i dont know where to begin to simply be with her and cuddle on a couch not saying a word quiet as a mouse we watched an episode of the simpsons i recal it to this day but when i went to leave our lips went astray after an aquard depature we went on our way i found out later she had a boyfriend the very next day my heart left my body and started to decay i was alone with nothing to say my dad asked me questions but i pushed them away life continued onward and i eventually met someone new i originally knew her friend and she knew that i liked them both but how could i chose? i went with the one that said they liked me how could i lose? long story short skye dont talk to me anymore she probably just thinks im a whore i slept with her best friend what else could she endure so now im with A and living out west life is finally good seems like the best but good times must always end when i was told we were leaving our relationship i did rend i took an argument and made it my friend for i was leaving and long distance i could not bare not after the fate i once already did share back to the east coast i came my friends i left filled me with shame i was given my yearbook for the year i did not pass 4 signatures, more than i could ask 1 was ment for someone else the other three told me how much of an emo i could be enough with my life relationships where i vent like the next one a friend of the "family" when i saw her i was like why does she not talk to me i messaged her later and complemented her on her pajama pants you see thats how it started the worst of them all so controling and jelous, but love i did fall it got to a point that i could not care i told her my love was just not there on to the next this is one i do not mention she moved in with me and my life was on suspension worse than the last but lasted not as long she thought i had cheated in that she was wrong i gave her the boot and lost a friend too on to the next that i met on a bus i knew her from high school and asked for her number and she gave no fuss i messaged her immediately with no avail as she got to her stop and my hope did fail she turned to me with a smile and told me the number was wrong change the last digit, so i did and sent the message and heard the gong later that week i had a friend with a benefit this went perfectly well with my personal edict eventyually i asked her the question she immediately responded with her affection we dated a while then after one fight she broke it off without any insight i found out later my good friend had been dating her a month behind my back the rest is a blur to tell you the truth thats not all of the girls this is just the tales i was able to unfurl this is just the tip of my mind mabye in the next one i will rewind and tell you the tale of "the two betrayals" or mabye my family fails anyway this is it for me for now i shall put down the virtual pen and paper i did enjoy the part with the escalator with this i bid you adieu this word message is threw