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#i dont like spending time with my family
enby-shadow · 9 days ago
god i am so incredibly tired of feeling like im a burden on everyone bc of how easily triggered or uncomfortable i am with shit
#i finally get to do one thing with literally the only people who even bother to talk to me anymore#and im like wow i hate doing this and then i tried to just deal with it so i could keep spending time with them#but then literally all i could do was complain#so i was just bringing down the vibe so i just left#the one time it was supposed to be fun and i ruined it both for myself and probably them too#im so tired of guilt tripping or feeling like im playing victim#but im not trying to im just so fucking lonely all the time#for months#and its so hard for people to understand#because when i say 'man im lonely' that barely compares to how im actually feeling#i am so incredibly isolated#i dont have irl friends#my family basically hates my guts 90% of the time or im getting yelled at#someone whos SUPPOSED to be my best friend doesnt fucking talk to me anymore#im going off track but its so hard to explain how bad it feels to just sit at my computer and isolate myself from everything#and just desperately wait for someone to give a shit enough to wanna do something with me#im pathetic and i don't deserve to do things with people#and i feel so bad when im like 'i dont have friends' and then ppl who say theyre my friend are like 'ummm am i chopped liver lol' like#no. its just that the fact that i have such limited interaction with you makes me so incredibly isolated and alone#to where ive gotten to the point in which i literally just forget you even think of me as a friend#you probably just tolerate me#and you wont admit it#ive seen how much yall will try to argue with me or shittalk me#and i feel like it happens behind my back where i cant see it#im so tired of my isolation and abandonment issues but its so bad lately#i dont belong in this friend group and i never have and theyd be better off without me#theyre all happy doing shit together without me and its not like they'd be worse if i wasnt there#bc they already do shit without me anyways. all the time.
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m1emmz · 19 days ago
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"Oh it'll be fun to do a lil song translation, get in some hanzi/kanji practice and use my earworm for something productive" I told myself. Just this amount took me all day (with frequent breaks but still) and my wrist HURTS! It was still fun though <3 but. I'm gonna. Be more gradual with it going forward fjjdd
#dont look at this closely my handwriting is equally bad in english and mandarin /// also i did not personally translate!#however all the translations out there vary wildly in some regards so i did spend quite some time trying to figure out and mix them up#depending on who's translating it especially the chorus can either be really hopeful or really depressing lmao#i went with hopeful because it speaks well abt xingchen whom I love and it made more sense to me personally. but obvi i dont know shit lmao#by far though most of the time was spent just. trying to write the hanzi. literally the only saving grace here is my pen <3#its a Sarasa 0.5 if you want sexy ass lines btw i exclusively use it for hanzi/kanji cause its a fancy expensive guy#im not rlly trying to learn mandarin atm but i have been (casually) studying japanese so i figured it wouldnt hurt 2 look at the /meanings/#since a lot of hanzi and kanji mean similar things it would be helpful in any case. if i ever become decent at jp tho id luv to do mand nex#2b honest though me saying all this is just a way to decompress ugh. obviously i cant share a lot of details but im being harassed by polic#and its!!! so annoying!! im so sick of it!!!! tonight they asked to search my house. threatened me with prison. and were here for like 15mi#ill prolly delete this later but ugh. ugh! why is my life like this? youd think i was a murder suspect or something but im not even involve#//to be clear though there is no murder here lmaO its a stupid crime i just dont want to overshare#everytime they come too (which is often) its at 10pm. i have work in the morning and a child to look after we're trying to sleep!!!#rubs temples#my dogs dont even bark when they show up anymore thats how often it is. the other day too my grandma was in her car in front of the house#and a police officer questioned her nd accused her of being shady!! even after she said we were her family!! he said the neighbors reported#her car being here often and its like DUH SHES MY FUCKIN GRANDMA. Also lovely having neighbors that are snitches. theyve called the cops on#us for other things that /theyre/ guilty of like dog noise. we let our dogs in when they bark. they just yell making more noise then give u#as if financial instability isnt enough!!! oh yeah and not to mention a CPS case due to school attendance/tardiness...#i got in SO much trouble for my attendance in school too when i was younger and i dont get it. thats really the biggest red flag to you?#rubs face. rubs face. rubs face. IM SO TIRED. literally just being a human being is tiring to me. so much so. additional stressors dont hel#today was lined up to be a good day too. ugh :(. i wanna go out and buy candy but ill probably be pulled over if I do ><#i hate complaining/sharing online but i need to vent... just a lil..this isnt even a fraction of here i am hidin under my image lma#also if any1 cares the song is the yi city theme song/lonely city!its so good! me writing it was also an excuse to listen to it a bunch heh#if youve read this far im sorry u.u but yall know my read more's are not to be opened lmao#sidenote: im so annoyed that 愛 was one of these i instantly recognized and yet I struggled with it the most.. hence the black rectangle lma#my studying consists of using the actual genki textbook and then getting distracted and doing random shit like this bc i think its fun fjkd#since this is a song too these are probably too metaphorical to learn from yet buT at least i got stroke order and spacing practice !#honestly it was just for fun though fjjdjd like. even with my shitty handwriting i think its somewhat nice to look at
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pathologising · 23 days ago
i want to reinvent myself tbh...the move to nyc is literally going to be a new era...
#like i want to be . new#because on here i think ive overshared so much of my life because i did not have a true family to spend many of my moments with#because of the abuse so i am thankful for the many years on here where i learned what friendship meant and i am learning what it means to#love and be loved but i must reinvent i must evolve into a new self#and i mean like growth and change takes time its not instant but the way i wore my heart on my sleeve because this was all i had#was a little. embarrassing to say the least#but such is life. baby steps and tumbles and embarrassing 3am vent posts#IM NOT LEACIVING TUMBLR by the way i just mean i would like to not overshare or impulse post my every thought or turn to here to spew my#emotions i would like to learn self control i think is what iwould like and it is what im learning slowly#i aspire to be a certain way and i think its impossible to be one way#when youre a million different fractured identities because i dont ever want to be whole. i love myself as i am. wholeness#psychologically and clinically at least is something i do not need for healing i am content with these selves#but wanting to exist as several different things and holding these ideals and opinions and traits is difficult anyway#what im tryign to say is i forsee a new era.......and im moving towards that era and im excited for who#i am to become because life truly does begin for me in august like living as a person with agency not in fear it begins soon#and im excited anyway im rambling i want to live a life akin to what it feels like#to bask in the sun. or a fruit platter. or the twinkling of crystals in the sun#if that means anything to you#like thats what i want and i cant sit around and wait for it to happen i must make it for myself#i dont know...i dont just. excited to be someone new and to build a life where i can live as me#like. angel live as angel ophelia. and distant from my abusers. finally
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minimallycreative · a month ago
so I've had a feeling for the 6-8 months or so that I might have ADHD. I'm not looking at getting tested just yet because I'm working on medically treating my anxiety and depression. none the less, I have been doing research into things that help ADHD brains. Because whether or not I have it, I have found a lot of strategies really helpful. I was watching this review for this planner/calendar app that works better for neurodivergent brains, and it looked cool, so I downloaded it and began playing with it. And I looked up 10 minutes later, not having listened to any of the videos and I swear that it was three o'clock like 10 minutes ago, but I might be wrong because it 3:40 which is basically 4 anyway, and we are doing family activities at like four and I haven't gotten anything done that I wanted to. what was I talking about?
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potatoes-is-are-food · a month ago
8, 21, 58?
Played any sports?
Noooo I'm really bad at athletic stuff unless it's rock climbing
Plans for the weekend?
I had to go to mother's day dinner with a bunch of family and my uncle screamed at a waitress so that was fun :/ I have Mondays off though so I'll relax tomorrow!
Favorite weather?
Snow and rain! Thunder and dark and gloomy so I can bundle up inside just makes me feel so cozy 😚
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chilope · a month ago
Just got the email about our all staff rec meeting for this month.
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For context, we have been doing all of our staff meetings via zoom for the last year. They have decided, for some ungodly fucking reason, to have this one in person, outside, on a day when it is supposed to snow, on an ACTIVE FUCKING CONSTRUCTION SITE
"If its too wet we'll have the meeting in the parking lot" ???????? Fucking why???? Just make it a fucking zoom meeting!!! If the only reason you're dragging us out there is so you can show off your big baseball project then why bother if you wont be able to show us your big baseball project??? Fuck offfffffffff
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roses-and-roo · 2 months ago
hmmmm should I buy a double/full or queen bed when I move? decisions, decisions. 🤔 double would give me more space for other things and be easier to move the next time, I certainly don't need a ton of room myself (I mean, I've been sharing a double for the past 3+ years). on the other hand--as much as I can't picture it right now--there may come a time when someone may spend the night and I don't want them to be uncomfortable in a bed that's too small. 🤔
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