#i dont mean this to be weird or braggy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

burnedbyshoto · 4 years

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Somethings I feel like you have split personality. I see you really nice somethings and welcoming and awesome and I think I want to be your friend and I admire you. Then another time I see you lose it completely and just snap at someone even for a simple mistake and just tear them apart and I think "who is that person" and idk if you're noticed that about yourself but yeah....

maybe it’s because my campus just emailed us saying it’s shutting down after spring break and i’m in this weird anxious ball that I feel like I want to reply to this even though it could have been buried in my askbox.

(these were my test results for the big 5 personality test, just in case you really wanna delve into who i am as a person LOL)

anyways I think it’s pretty interesting about what you say about your observances on me because I don’t think you’re wrong in the slightest. I am a very nice, caring and nurturing person. i’m the oldest and eldest daughter in an immigrant mexican family. it’s been drilled into me to be that way. without trying to seem... braggy or egocentric??? I guess??? I think i’m a very fun person to be around because i’m always on the move and can make both extroverts, ambiverts, and introverts feel comfortable!!! (in middle and high school I was known for basically transforming shy kids into very loud and boisterous people). i’m welcoming and kind because I feel that everyone deserve kindness, everyone deserves to be treated with compassion and sweetness and love!

but people seem to forget that while I am this bubbly idiot who is annoyingly loud, trying to be the mom friend of the group (although i’m definitely more of the wanna be mom friend), I am a very observant, calculating, and albeit limited on patience person. i have a sharp tongue, i cuss so much that people find it weird when i don’t cuss, and i’m a very calm and collected person. i don’t jump to conclusions very often — because even i sometimes crack under monumentous emotions and stress — and tend to come off as unemotional because of it sometimes. I have pretty damn great intuitions of people in terms of their relationship to me. it takes one interaction for me to figure out whether or not we can be friends — and honestly it hasn’t worked out on the internet as easily as it does irl but that’s okay! I see things, I notice things, and by all means i’m fiercely loyal and don’t truly believe in second chances (to explain second chances I mean for seriously big issues. so like if I catch you talking mad shit about me behind my back you’re not worth it to me so I won’t bother with you anymore. there’s no logical reasoning behind actions like that. but if you were like keeping secrets from me because you felt insecure about what I would say and it caused a fight i’d forgive you because that’s something worth figuring out — if that’s something they want to figure out as well!)

because of these moral and ethical conditions of mine, and because I will literally die for the people I love with my sharp tongued persona — which again is shown in my welcoming and kind presence, it’s just ignored because I am a loud blubbering idiot for fun. I am kind, I am welcoming, but i’m no pushover and i’m not afraid of how I come off because in the end I do feel like my feelings are justified.

honestly though, i’m not really sure what i’ve snapped into for a tiny little mistake??? sorry I don’t mean to be rude or anything of that manner, i’m just genuinely curious as to when i’ve snapped like that here??? the only time i’ve had an issue here was surrounding the server which deals with a lot of background information. background information that I cannot fill you in on when you don’t experience it all for yourself on my server but only read about it for yourself be it on my blog or through the mouth or words of someone else. you must also remember that i’m an admin and there’s a bunch of things going on behind the scenes that we don’t always share because some information just isn’t worth sharing because it has nothing to do with you. and people be bringing bs drama to my askbox instead of dming me on discord like I say they should, choosing to instead bring private details to public light and except me to just take it??? nah that’s not me, especially since those words attack more than just me. I can deal with people not liking me, it happens, it’s life, but I don’t like when my friends get slandered. it’s just who i am.

but yeah... how I see it is that I don’t tear into people unless they’ve done something to someone I value highly in my life, or because they’ve screwed up entirely so.

i’m sorry you’ve come to think of me as an angel and this horrific demon, it was never my intention! I do my best with what I can and hell if you think I dont see how I am as a person I can confidentially assure you that i am aware of a lot of my flaws. I know that my reasonings and feelings above are flawed — I am 100% aware! but at the same time I don’t feel the need to change right now because not only does it work for me, but frankly I don’t think I deserve to be torn into and just take it. i’m a “popular blog” sure, but i’m not some prized animal for anons to try and take down and hang on their walls like some trophy.

oh and also!!! i am suspectible hangry and “im too fucking tired for this” moodswings which do very much sour my personality!

#that was a lot but HAHAHHA a bit about me and my personality!!!!#we arent a split personality #just a lot more indepth personality than I display #lyssa doesnt shut up

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mychemicalraymance · 4 years

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ok so a few things!

1. i have a lot of new followers which i love and appreciate!! thank you all so much, it means a lot to me that anyone would be interested in my mcr fanblog haha. this is the first time i have been such an active participant in a fanbase... since maybe ever..... i’ve basically been a silent internet observer my whole life. i participated a little bit in online communities when i was a kid and i was burned a couple of times so i just stopped for a REALLY long time. i never actively participated, really, until recently with mcr returning. it is so nice to have a community around basically one of the few things in my life that i can genuinely talk about for hours. mcr is one of the longest ongoing interests of mine, i’ve been hardcore invested since i was 11, 2010. i have been around and about for a LONG time, but i’m definitely not an oldschool fan, and not a scholar. as i said i have never really been an active participant, just privately hyper focused. i was an embarrassing baby fan but i’ve grown out of that and it feels really good to re-explore my interest again as a real person with a better understanding of myself and what’s important, with other people with similar life experiences and values.

2. some basic stuff about me uhhh i dont like to put this stuff in my bio because it feels like a weird laundry list to have on display all the time and i don’t like leaving too much of a paper trail to my real identity (i am an mcr supervillian lesbian by night normal artist/intern teacher by day) but these aspects of my identity are sort of important to what i post and if i ever get out of line i feel it’s important to openly discus my mistakes without hiding behind obscurity. i’m a 21 year old white woman and a lesbian, i use she/her. i have had issues with gender non-conformity but i am cis. i am neurotypical but i have in my recent life struggled with depression, and am diagnosed with pmdd. i’m pretty fat and i like to make very light jokes about weight sometimes because it can be funny to me but i try to be sensitive about it. here and here are two posts about my policy of lesbian jokes/using she. here is my policy about following/interaction with minors.

3. follows! i appreciate them all! i was actually recently followed by a user that i have been following for years now! it was amazing (not going to name names because it feels braggy to me and i dont wanna blow up their spot lol). i only maintained following 2 mcr blogs in the great my chemical recession of 2015-2019 in my life and one of them is the person who followed me and i feel so! happy about it. if you follow me and i dont follow back here a few things to think about

- i do not follow minors just as a personal policy

- this is a side! my main shall remain a sexy little secret in order to maintain my alter ego and because i like to keep stuff a little close to the vest

-i like to sort of scope out what a person is like before i follow back so a lot of the time i keep an eye on a blog i like and see what they have to say before i hit follow (even with ppl who are not mutuals. often i will check a blog manually for a while to see what theyre about before i follow, just on my own).

-sometimes i just dont personally enjoy a blog. sorry.

also: mutuals can use my name in their reblogs/tags, i don’t have a problem with it. i just don’t give it a permanent position in my bio.

4. i am not interested in nor do i condone shipping/rpf. i have experience in that realm and it got especially dark for me, and i dont like it as a whole. i’m not going to fight with anyone about this. the end.

5. my art- i read almost all the rb tags on my art and i appreciate all of them. i love it all and it encourages me to make more!! if you like my work, reblogging and saying so directly contributes to my artistic drive. i’ve slowed down a little bit as of late because i’ve been busy with christmas. i cannot guarantee that i will always maintain posting art, but right now i’m really enjoying it and i hope you guys do too. i regularly reblog my art because it is the best way to get traction with art on tumblr. sorry if this is irritating; it helps me get feedback on my work. if you want to use my work for anything PLEASE contact me before you do and give me credit where you use it. this is almost all fanart, i will in all likelihood say yes, i just like to know where my art is being posted/used.

that’s all i can think of right now. thanks again.

#:)#about #long /

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pettydavis · 7 years

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tips for interviews? I never get called back :(

depends where youre applying tbh. i find if you want a call back normally you have to tailor your resume/cv a little to the job that you want, first and foremost.

how you apply matters too, actually. i find with bigger companies, getting an interview is hit or miss regardless of how bomb ur resume is, but it always helps to call the day after you submit an online one and let them know youve applied and are interested. handing in resumes in person is good too because it allows you to potentially meet the ppl who might have a say in the decision to hire you, and sometimes they might even give u an impromptu interview which can secure a proper one.

in terms of the actual interview, the three big things that are important are referring back to the skills you mentioned on your resume (without quoting it directly of course). its your opportunity to expound on previous experience youve already had or the things you want to gain from that job (hold on, we’ll get to that). the second important thing is to engage your interviewer. think of it more as a discussion than you sitting in front of someone and answering questions. you want to show them you have personality. thats not to mean you should act casual, but youre trying to get to know the person and theyre trying to get to know you. dont be afraid to ask questions. ask what the job entails and whats expected of you, ask them what their favourite thing about working there is, ask what the other workers are like or what the dynamic is like at that location or the difference between that location and other places (if its that kind of company. avoid things like wage and scheduling until they prompt you. the main goal is to show them youre interested in whats going on there and impressing upon them that youd like to be apart of it.

third (which sorta goes together with the first two), its also important to let them know how being apart of that company or having that job might help you grow and develop skills (especially if you have less experience). this one is sorta subtle, but its like, you wanna leave the impression that they can give you experience that mo where else would.

also, research is key, as well as preparation. you need to know about the company/job so if they ever ask you questions about it you can have answers. for example during the interview for my current job, i was asked who i thought theyre competitors were, and what impressed the person interviewing me wasnt only that i had answers for them, but i had justifications as to why i thought those places were competitors which i wouldnt have known if i didnt know the company and had an idea of what the company was trying to achieve.

and always have examples from you precious experiences working or being in school that you think might pertain to that job. one place asked me what was a time where i had to deal with a difficult customer and i hadnt worked retail in so long i couldnt remember, but as a personal assistant, i dealt with someone who could by and large be considered a constantly difficult customer.

never badmouth your previous job. it doesnt look good ever. if they ever ask you why you left, personally, id just explain how you felt like you had learned all you could from the last job or wanted to find a job that was more suited to your goals and growth.

another thing to keep in mind is that lots of places run interviews differently. some places do more than one interview while others only do one. some do rounds, where they start off with a group and eventually whittle down the candidates over a course of sessions/interviews, and some ppl could just hire you on the spot. a good resource to suss out what you might expect at the interview for a particular company is glassdoor.com or googling the company with interview reviews/experiences.

when you get one, relax. prepare them to do odd or random things or ask weird questions (theyre just tryna see if you can think on your feet). just make sure to showcase your personality and your skills without sounding too braggy (sometimes overconfidence can be just as unattractive to an interviewer as someone who isnt prepared).

im not gonna say have fun, because interviews are stressful af. but at least try to think of them as a learning experience and dont worry so much about impressing interviewers as much as being yourself and trying to soak the interaction in.

hope all goes well babs! good luck!

#anonymous #arsebox #advice #longpost

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joannawillshrink · 6 years

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shower thoughts

only this is a thought coming up while watching a Dr Who special called the end of the world part two.

Which I think is a humorous title. End of the world, PART TWO. anyway

The Master character is the baddie and he has a drumming in his head, constantly, driving him crazy. The Doctor says he could help. And the Master replies in a misty voice, “I dont know what I’d be, without that noise.”

Made me immediately think about myself and current life, without my Mom. Like when people lose someone close to them, common advice or like, motivational talk is “go make them proud” and whatnot. And I’m thinking, I wonder if she can see me and see what I’ve become. So bored and depressed and stagnant, different. Because I really do feel very very different. I’m changed. And I dont like it.

But I then went on to think about myself in a break up. How I want the other person to miss me. How I, in a twisted way, think its kindof flattering when someone is fucked up after losing me. Which is partially why I’m having a hard time knowing Jesse is fine and has moved on. Because I want to be mourned more. I want to have more visibly affected him.

And I wonder if, and I’m not saying that my Mom is in any way twisted, or thinking maliciously... this is just my weird thought trail,

But like, if I died and my family were really “fine” quite quickly afterwards, I feel like I’d be a bit bothered! Is that so immature of me? Like of course I’d want them to be functioning and get out there and do their thing, but not like... too soon! I guess everybody copes differently... I feel very out of touch with what other peoples’ lives are actually like. But just, I feel like my world is much more shattered than I was ready for. But is that my fault? For not “getting over it” faster? But Mom was everything, beyond words of worth or value, her love was like gravity. And it was August 9th, 2015 when it happened. Wow, I just had to look up the year. I guess its been longer than I thought? I dont know. I just feel like my processors are broken.

Anyways. I feel like I have so much to unpack about this. “I dont know who I’d be without that noise.” Like, I am now a girl without her Mom. I am Joanna without my Mom. And I dont know who I am. I held on to what I thought was normal, with my relationship with Jesse. But now that ending obliterated the false bonds I had convinced myself were working. The phantom ties.

Theyre gone, and I feel untethered. More purposeless than ever.

When I didnt know who I was before, I leaned against trying to be a good daughter. That was a wall of my definition of self. But now that wall is gone, with her. I still want to be a good daughter, but showing up for her and having her love and friendship is gone. I know the tra-la-la “she’s always with you” but I mean, in real-time, its gone.

And its like, a break up. If you get over it too easily, it kindof seems like it wasnt that big of a deal to you.

But unconditional love is different, right?

I dont even think I know what unconditional love means. I dont think humans are that perfect. I dont think its genuinely possible to unconditionally love someone.

I find it hard to believe that Jesse cared for me that way. I dont think he thinks of me, I think he nothings me. You know? When its like, I dont like you, but I dont dislike you. I nothing you.

I wish I nothing’ed him. I dislike him right now. I dont want bad luck to befall him, but I wish I didnt have to witness his happiness. Because I’m jealous. I want to be happy. When I’m upset and other people are happy I feel like theyre bragging about it, rubbing it in my face. Especially when its a partner or friend, and especially especially when its an Ex.

I used to fear talking to my mom on the phone because if I was sad and needed help or support, she was always more sad. Sadder. And needed MY help. Or if I was happy, and wanted to share it, I was afraid it would sound braggy or she’d feel lesser-than compared to what I had going on. Like, at the beginnings of things with Jesse, I’d mention a detail about kissing or holding hands or something, and she’d get weird about it and throw in some comment about “I wish your father still kissed me” or “goodness, I miss that” or something.

I worry thats rubbed off onto me. If I’m upset, like, deeply bothered, I dont want other people around me to be good at walking away. I want to be seen, and to effect others. If I’m crying I want someone else’s mood to change if they see me or hear my story. I want to be respected for enduring the things that are happening. I feel like when people hear a sad personal tale or listen to what youre feeling at the moment, and get up at the end and are fine and just walk away, its incredibly rude and unfeeling and gross. Offensive, even. Maybe thats playing too much of the victim.

The lawyer in me immediately says “stop wasting your energy trying to get other people to be sad like you, to see you for how sad you are, and use that energy to do something about your own sadness”

but if youre sad, and just put in the energy to make it go away, is that fixing it? or just ignoring it?

is ignoring pain the secret to success? just, get on with it? never let it catch up to you?

I wonder if thats everyones suppressed secret. That they ARE in pain, but just running from it.

I want to be heard and to share my story before I can move on from it. Its like airing out a ghost. Giving it its proper attention and respect so its existence is justified, giving it love, really. I want even the sad parts to be loved.

So when someone just gets up and walks away unphased from a story I’m explaining, I dont feel love or connection or anything at all. It almost adds to the pain itself. Setting it further back down the hill with even more to climb to escape.

I stay in bed a lot. I’m not sure how to air out being upset about my ex Jesse. I want to run my mouth about the shit he was in our relationship. I was lousy too, but different. Definitely no saint, but I understand the quiet spectrum in the motivation of cheaters. Not all cheaters. But I get why some do what they do. Because I seeked out attention from other men, men from my past, because I needed more, but didnt want to give up what could maybe be built with Jesse. I was scared to lose the potential of him. But he behaved so coldly, often cruelly emotionally to me, both in obvious but also very quiet subtle ways, that I needed to be around the energy of men who knew me before all that. Old friends who knew my sparkle. Because I needed to remember it, myself. I wished and wished and wished Jesse saw my sparkle, at the beginning of our relationship I thought he did. Which is why I decided to move to his city from my own, and really give it a try.

But I felt like just another hobby in his life, another thing that needed his precious time. I felt juggled between work, his band, and his motorcycle. Literally, if I saw his eyes light up because he ordered another guitar pedal or motorcycle part, I knew it meant less time/money/enthusiasm for me or our time together. This literally happened, time and time again.

And after losing the one person in my life who I knew I was their everything,

I needed to be loved more. I needed to be loved more than a new amplifier. I needed to have someone look at me and get excited like they would when something new would arrive from Amazon.

I needed to be appreciated for more than just when I was game to have sex.

I needed to have my sparkle be seen and fanned.

So I diminished, and I felt, after a while, that he didnt deserve me. That he didnt deserve my best. So when I traveled or was around old flames or friends who I knew understood me and made me feel great just being me, I gave THEM my best. Which, in black and white on paper, is cheating, and isnt cool.

But my heart needed it. I shouldve broken up with Jesse so much sooner than I did.

But now, we ARE broken up, and I’m super fucked up about it still. I’m glad we’re not together, but in a way like... he treated me this way when we WERE together. Indifferent, not seeing how special I am. How great we could be.

So its like... I guess he’s acting exactly the same. It hurt this much within the relationship, too... but when we were together at least I could yell at him about it. It felt good to yell at somebody for what hurts. His lack of attention still hurts, but now I have no right to get into a fight with him about it.

Its all to be expected. His behavior. He left his wife to be with me. Someone of 8 fucking years. And he never talked about her really. So why should I be surprised that he doesnt talk about me, or miss me, or seem forlorn. He didnt seem forlorn for her. He was barely single. He wasnt single. He jumped right from her to me. And now he’s very shortly on to the next. I really shouldnt be surprised.

It would be easier if he wasnt so entrenched in all the people I know.

Theres always a risk of seeing him out. I wish I was more mature about this. But honestly I’d feel the same even if we were just friends from the start. Its like seeing someone you just simply dont like, regardless of context. If someones a jerk, you dont want them to be where you are.

I may leave Austin. Its weird, being trapped by comfort. My house is pretty good. Like, the shape of the house itself is cute. Theres a porch. Theres a patio, and a coffee shop across the street.

But I dont feel happy here. I have no idea where I’d go. But I’m sick of living in a pot house. EEEVery day its bowl bong weed pot cough cough sneeze laugh lame joke bong bong lame joke bad pun leaving dishes fucking everywhere hoarding objects and never using them leaving dirt and coats and shoes and opened mail and bullshit all over the place.

I feel like I cant bitch because I dont have a job. I’m lazing around sleeping 80% of the day because... of what? Because of sadness, because I dont really want to go out there. I dont want to interact with my roommates who I find annoying. I dont want to take a walk around the neighborhood that I think its pretty boring. I dont want to go to bars and feel less than my past self. Fatter. Older. Uglier. I dont want to go feel my inadequacy proven right. Jesse treated me that way. I moved here five months after my Mom died. Brand new city.

And I didnt get a job. I didnt do a whole lot of anything. And he hated me for it. He didnt understand and it leaked in. It absolutely showed.

So now its February 2018. So many months have passed. And I’m still not doing anything. I just dont want to. I dont know where to get a job here, I dont want to commit my time to something that doesnt feel like anything. I want to exercise but it requires a 15 minute drive to get there. I want to cook but our kitchen is so fucking cluttered it drives me nuts.

Am I too uptight? Like, is this coming off like I cant function unless somethings perfect?

Im sure it sounds that way... I just... feel no spark. When my new roommate cleaned the bathroom and had music going and was doing the shit I normally do, I felt so pleased and relatable, it was marvelous. But then other two roommates come home and toss their coats all over and smoke weed and plop down watching stupid shows, and it just..

Should I try to be more of a leader? Force my way through it and burn my own trail? If theyre watching dumb shit, suggest something better? Take an active interest in life?

I definitely have been passive. I want other people to be interesting. I want to be intrigued by someone’s starting something. Somebody to already have the breadcrumbs laid down and I get to follow them and add to the adventure. I dont know if I have the energy to take the risk of being bold and leading the way, not knowing the caliber of people I’m talking to or bringing with me. Like, I want to spend energy being great around someone I already think is great. I miss having crushes. If I think someone is awesome, I feel like I then get to be super awesome too, in hopes that showing my favorite self, enjoying my own shine... that they’ll notice and enjoy it too.

But like, why shine for boring people? I dont have any interest in that. I dont want to impress people that dont impress me.

That sounds super bitchy but whatever.

Anyways. I’m way off track.

I just remembered that I need to call my Aunt Carol, who I think is mad at me, because she retired today and I’m overdue to call her. I really dont want to but it needs to be done. Calling a family member that you know is disappointed in you is NEVER fun. I feel the weight on my chest already. Okay, gonna call her. I’ll write again soon.

#emotion journal #rant

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