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hannieehaee · 5 months

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them accidentally ditching you on your bday pt. 2 - vu

content: angsty, gender neutral, established relationship, etc.

part 1

wc: 4512

a/n: lmk if u want a pu ver pls <3 if there's part i forgot to make gender neutral pls lmk!!

masterlist

jeonghan -

jeonghan had no idea what to do. he'd never been in this position before. he prided himself in being a good friend and specially boyfriend. nothing in this world mattered to him more than his loved ones, which was why he was extremely disappointed in himself at having disregarded you and hurt your feelings in such a careless way. he knew it was your birthday, and he had wanted so badly to be with you, but he had been an idiot and let it slip his mind. there was no other way to put it. it made him sad more than anything, to know that you had spent the night worried over him only to wake up to zero communication from him, having spent a good 14 hours into your birthday without any word from him. he needed to fix this, he just didnt know how.

this was so unlike him. jeonghan had always known himself to be an attentive person. he noticed any time you changed your hair almost immediately, he'd notice new additions to your recipes, he'd take note of any time you switched things up in your apartment, he'd remember any and every important date. even now. he had remembered it, except he had skipped over it due to his idiocy, which really only made it worse.

after getting mocked by joshua for ten minutes as he racked his brain to find a solution, he decided to just improvise. he'd go to your apartment and see if you'd at least let him in to try and explain his way through an apology. he would pull all the dramatics if he had to. there was not a single care for his dignity in his mind right now. nothing would prevent him from showing you his utmost remorse.

only thirty minutes later and he was now outside your apartment window, looking up from his secluded spot inside the complex's garden. he pondered about calling you, but decided that going for a more unconventional route might do the trick a bit better. spotting some pebbles nearby, he grabbed a few, beginning to chuck them at your window. okay, kind of corny, but knowing you, he knew you'd appreciate the thought. he spent an unfortunate ten minutes throwing pebble after pebble until you finally opened your window, sticking your head out as soon as you spotted him down below.

"jeonghan. what the hell are you doing?", you seemed and sounded pissed. but, hey! that was a good sign. at least you were acknowledging his presence.

"my love!', he clutched at his heart, 'let me come see you. please. i want to apologize."

"fuck you, yoon jeonghan. why dont you go treat your hangover somewhere else?", you went to close your window, only to stop in your tracks as he yelled out again.

"wait! do you want me to beg? i will. i love you. i dont care what i have to do. i'll climb to the roof and profess my love for you for all of seoul to hear," yes, he was being overly dramatic, but he was also being genuine. if you actually wanted him to scream out to the world how much he regretted his stupidity, he would. you didnt even have to ask.

but he also knew public displays were a huge no for you, dating an idol and knowing the controversies being known as the significant other of the yoon jeonghan would bring. he was putting you in a bit of a spot. you could either let him up to apologize, or wake up to some ominous article stating yoon jeonghan of seventeen might be taken.

fortunately for him, you chose the former, which now placed him in your living room as you crossed your arms and huffed at him. okay, one step at a time. it was time to put jokes aside and get serious.

"angel ... i'm so sorry," he cooed at you, stepping forward a bit.

"jeonghan, dont talk to me like im a baby. im not in the mood."

"but you are my baby," he pouted at you, "you're my angel, my everything. i'm sorry. i didnt show you how much you mean to me last night. all i want to do is love you and take care of you. you can punish me all you want. i deserve it. but please let me sleep in your arms. im already away from you most of the time. dont deprive me one more day," and he meant all he said. you were his favorite form of comfort, and the thought of you being angry or hurt by him made him scared. he never wanted to risk you being ripped away from his arms, specially not due to his own doing.

"jeonghan ..."

"no, wait. i'm sorry. i shouldve never forgotten. i dont know how it happened. all i ever want to do every day is come back home to you, but i did the opposite on the worst day possible. i'll apologize over and over until you forgive me if that's what it takes. please just let me be with you on your birthday. i dont want you alone. i dont want you sad. i want you happy and content in my arms. please? i love you."

he mustve broken you down, as you landed in his arms immediately after he finished his speech. he couldve sworn he saw you eyes puffy and swollen before he wrapped his arms around you. his suspicion was confirmed just seconds later when he heard you sniffle against him.

"aigooo, no angel. dont cry. didnt wanna make you cry. you're making me look like such a bad guy, baby, making you cry on your birthday," he cooed at you as he held you as tight as possible.

you separated yourself from him, finally looking into his eyes while he caressed your cheeks, wiping any lone tears in them, "im so sorry, angel. forgive me? let me stay, please."

"yes, hannie. i love you."

"i love you so much more," and he'd spend the rest of his life the day showing that to you.

joshua -

joshua had not been this hungover in a while. he wasnt sure how this happened. last thing he remembered was his manager rushing him into a car right after the award show, letting the group know they'd been invited to an after party, and the company had deemed it smart to be in attendance for public image purposes. all members agreed enthusiastically, excited to mingle among their peers and maybe make some new connections in the process. joshua had been the lone member to be skeptical, knowing he had promised he'd be back to the hotel at an appropriate time in order to get on the phone with you and celebrate what was remaining of your birthday with you despite the current distance between you. however, he did not want to get in the way of his members' fun, so he kept any objections to himself and joined them with matching enthusiasm.

his original plan was to roam the party for an hour or so, which wouldve allowed him to get back to call you on time, but ironically, time got away from him. the next thing he knew, he was waking up at 11am in the morning in mingyu's hotel room, head pounding and phone full of unread notifications. he wasnt sure how this happened. the last thing he remembered was being at the party, margarita in hand as he and his members drank their souls away in celebration of yet another successful award show season. it was around three margaritas in that joshua had begun to disregard his phone, and with that you as well. as soon as he saw the dejection in your messages upon waking up, he spammed you with texts and voice memos expressing his regret, but received no response from you. he had hurt you and now you were ignoring him. and with good reason.

joshua knew that there wasnt much he could do from his current location, specially while you were (justifiably) icing him out. so he committed to his next best option. he immediately booked a ticket back to korea, letting his manager know that he'd just be returning home two days in advance to the rest of the members. all they had scheduled left was an interview tomorrow, so his absence would probably not have that big of an effect. five grueling hours later and he arrived to korea, exhausted and still slightly hung over, but with a whole speech planned to beg for your forgiveness.

in the process, he had tried calling you again and again, still earning no response. this disheartened him, making him think that maybe his grand gesture would only be taken negatively. he picked up some flowers on the way, gift he had bought in japan a few days ago in hand, ready to knock on your apartment door. despite the exhaustion, he was here. a day late to celebrate your birthday, but still here nonetheless.

your face upon answering the door had been of surprise, not anger like he feared, but that only lasted for a few seconds until you started to berate him.

"joshua? what are you doing here?"

"baby, i'm so so sorry. can i come in? please?"

you moved aside without further words, gesturing for him to continue talking.

he suddenly remembered the flowers and boxed gift in hand, signaling to them before handing them to you, "oh, these are for you," he felt extremely inadequate, something that was very rare for him. he had practiced a whole speech, a whole profession of love and regret, but now his mind was blank. you just looked so. disappointed. he couldn't stand it.

'i'm sorry. i- i have no good excuse. the party got the best of me and i completely spaced out on our plans. i never meant to forget about you. please believe me.'

"joshua ... this was your idea. you had me waiting all night just to ghost me. you spent my birthday partying without even thinking of me."

he grabbed onto your hands, placing the flowers and gift on the table before doing so. he held onto you as he began to get exasperated in his speech, "there's no world in which i wasn't thinking of you. you're all thats ever on my mind. i didnt even wanna go to that stupid party, but i didnt want to inconvenience anyone. please, i- i wanted to call you. i ... yeah, i got drunk and distracted. and thats my fault. im sorry. i came back early to be with you. to make up for being a dumbass. please let me make it up to you. please? i'll serenade you like i promised. i'll get on my knees. do you want me to get on my-"

you interrupted him as he began to kneel halfway through his speech, slapping at him lightheartedly as he began to get more dramatic by the second. he knew it was hard for you to get angry at him when he started pulling all stops like he did. he came back and begged on his knees, even offered to express his love to you through song. he was making you hold in your laugh. these were all good signs, right?

"you .. you're such an idiot, hong jisoo. i hate you," but he knew you didnt mean it. he could hear and see the smile on your face, knowing he had been successful at wearing you down.

"if you ever do this again, ill date jeonghan instead."

"ouch!", he dramatically grabbed onto his chest, as if you'd just wounded his heart, causing you to laugh, "hannie? okay, can't blame you. he's pretty cute," he chuckled, "but for now ... let me spend the day with my love? hmm?", he pulled you closer, nuzzling his nose against yours as you feigned annoyance at him.

"fine," you rolled your eyes, "i'm still mad at you, though."

yeah, he had a lot of making up to do, but this was a start.

jihoon -

jihoon had not stopped beating himself up over his actions ever since you hung up the phone. he had spent the entirety of the day rethinking all his choices leading up to this. he had wanted to go running to you and apologize, but you had specifically asked him to stay away, so he wanted to respect your wishes. still, he felt like complete and utter shit at the way he disregarded you so easily. he wished he could go back in time and slap some sense into himself.

he had always been scared. scared that his job would someday get in the way of your relationship. it had been so hard for him to find someone to love; someone who loved him just as much. and the moment he found you he treasured you more than anything, but now his stupid workaholic tendencies had gotten in the way. he was terrified right now that you'd start to see the error in your choice to be with him. that you'd want to find someone who wouldnt so easily put his job over everything else.

it was now 11am of the following day, and you had not called him yet. he was beginning to get worried. were you icing him out? had he hurt you that badly? he could never blame you for feeling hurt at his neglect, but he could also not help his own feelings of dejection at you ignoring him due to your anger. alas, he still gave you all reason; this had been his own doing.

he waited a couple hours before giving up on waiting, instead choosing to confide in a few of his members to inquire as to what they'd do if they ever pulled something like this with their own significant others. after being scolded for a good few minutes due to his carelessness towards you, they told him that maybe showing up to your apartment as a demonstration of his affection to you (joined by a sincere apology, of course) would make you look his way again.

so now he was here, about to knock on your door with your favorite flowers in hand. he was terrified. the two of you had never fought. there had never been a single time in which you'd hurt each other's feelings. it had all been nothing but love and tenderness in your relationship thus far. he was your best friend, and you were his. yet he had no idea how to communicate to you how much you meant to him, and how much of a stupid mistake his slip up had been.

before he could think further, he forced himself to knock on your door, hoping you wouldnt immediately throw him out. to his surprise, you opened the door and even wordlessly gestured for him to enter. you looked ... sad. you looked the way he'd feel had you ghosted him on his own birthday. yeah, he didnt care much for his birthday, but your absence would wound him nonetheless. he imagined it felt the same for you.

"i ... i'm so sorry. i dont know what to say .. i- i fucked up. so badly. i have no idea how or why i forgot. there's nothing i can do to make up for it, but please know im so fucking sorry."

"jihoon ... how? you picked my birthday of all days to lock yourself in your studio? i've never judged your busy schedule. i understand your career. i respect it. i get that you cant help being busy. your job is too demanding of your time, but for you to ignore me when you had full control of your free time? why?", he could see how disappointed you felt at his neglect; how hurt you felt at him, not only through your words, but through your closed off body language. you were hugging yourself with your arms, not holding eye contact as you stared anywhere but into his eyes. despite your confident words, your demeanor was deflated. and it was his fault.

"it was- it was a mistake. it was all my fault. i cant argue my way around it. but i love you. i didnt .. i didnt mean to neglect you. you're all i think about. every song ive ever written, even before meeting you, was about you. you're everything. i'm just an idiot. i dont know how to do this ... ive never loved like this. i have no idea what to do when i fuck up. all i can do is promise you to be better. please give me a chance to be better. i'll be more attentive. i know i'm cold, and im not too affectionate, but i love you. i'll make it up to you. please, just dont let this be the end. i'll keep you in my studio with me whenever i lock myself away. won't ever go a day without letting you know what im doing, how im doing. please. i'll do anything to show you."

he worried his ramble mightve been too much, feeling to scared to even hold eye contact with you as he went on and on about how much he loved you. unexpectedly, upon looking up, he found your reddened eyes, with a stuffy nose to match. fuck. had he hurt your feelings again?

"jihoon ... i- i love you. i'm sorry. i cant believe you could ever think i wanted this to be the end. i was hurt and mad- i am hurt, but i love you," you sniffled your way through your short speech, but jihoon heard it perfectly fine. these were the words he prayed to hear from you all of last night as he stayed up thinking about you.

"fuck. thank god," he couldnt help himself in hugging you, holding you tightly against his arms, and sighing in relief at your reciprocation, "i love you. i'll take the week off. let me take you away and show you how much you mean to me. please? will you come with me?"

"yes, jihoon. i love you."

"i love you. you have no idea."

seokmin -

seokmin felt extremely scared. you weren't answering any of his calls. he knew you were physically okay, but he also knew your feelings were hurt, and you were probably extremely angry at him. you had all reason to be angry at him. he ditched you and kept you in the dark all day. on your birthday! seokmin had never been in a situation like this before. he had always prided himself in being the best boyfriend that one could ever be, even sometimes introducing himself as your boyfriend instead of with his own name. except today he had disappointed both you and himself beyond belief.

he knew you'd asked him to stay away for the night, and he'd usually respect your one and every wish, but today he needed to go against the current and go and beg for your forgiveness.

in very non-seokmin fashion, he exited the event just as quickly as he'd arrived, not even caring to say goodbye to his friends. you were his number one priority, after all. specially today of all days. he had his driver stop by a flower shop on the way, hoping the innocent gesture would maybe have you show some mercy on his stupidity.

he showed up to your apartment immediately after, having mentally prepared a whole speech for you on the way there. he was going to tell you how much he loved you, and how this was just a completely stupid slip of his mind, that this would never happen again, but all these thoughts left his mind as soon as you opened the door, eyes swollen and glossy. every rational thought went out the window upon spotting your saddened state causing seokmin's eyes to match your own as he felt himself begin to tear up. he couldnt help himself in immediately embracing you in a tight hug, thanking god when he felt you hold him back.

you two sniffled against each other for a bit, neither of you full on crying, but still being overly emotional at the situation. seokmin mumbled endless apologies against your hair, running his hands up and down your back as if to soothe you. he was over the moon to hear an 'i love you' from you in the middle of your sorrowful mumbles against his chest, doubling the sentiment as he cried to you how much he loved you and how badly he regretted letting you slip his mind for even a second. when he pulled back, he expressed the same sentiment all over again.

"my baby ... i love you so much. please let me make it up to you. i- i brought you flowers!", he finally recalled the flowers he had dropped as soon as you closed the door behind him ten minutes ago, "i know it doesnt make up for anything, but please let it be a start. i'll do anything you want. just want you to never cry over me like this again, baby. i love you too much to make you cry," he wiped at your tears as he said this, caressing your cheeks while he looked at you with pure adoration in his eyes.

"minnie," you pouted at him, "stay the night? please? want you at least for the bit that's left of today."

"today? oh, baby. i'm giving you my whole week. told you i was gonna make it up to you. i'll do everything you want, my love. now let me take you to bed, yeah? wanna hold my beautiful angel to sleep."

he slept soundly that night, knowing you had somehow forgiven him and even given him the privilege to hold you in his sleep, also knowing he'd do anything and everything necessary to make up for his stupid mistake.

seungkwan -

he had put literally everyone else above you. on your birthday. there was truly no other way to spin it. he had never felt more guilt in his life, and it was all completely on him. having even thought of going out with his friends on your birthday shouldve given him the first red flag in his stupid plan. why didnt he just bring you along? god, he was such an idiot. and then allowing mingyu and dongmin to entice him into a two hour long live broadcast just to secure some fanservice was just the nail in the coffin.

he knew he hurt you badly. he had promised you he'd be there, but had just left you in the dark all day. he couldnt blame you for not wanting to see him today, but now he was stuck tossing and turning in his bed as he itched to hold you in his arms. he had called the company immediately after your call, letting them know he'd be skipping the usual dance practice and recordings in favor of being with you, which is what he should've done all day today.

it wasnt long until he grew too restless to simply stay in bed while he knew you were probably in a similar position, except most likely sad and angry. he couldnt help himself when he decided to head to you, feeling bad at calling up his driver at such late hours of the night. the journey to your apartment was a short one, which left him with little time to think over what he'd say to you in order to convey his regret. he didnt care much for what he said, he just wanted to alleviate your hurt somehow.

just as he expected, you were awake, now standing in front of him as you opened the door to your apartment. your eyes were puffy, a huge indicator that you'd been crying. your eyes also wouldnt meet his, with your eyebrows lowered in clear sadness. seeing you and knowing your current state was his fault felt like a kick in the gut. he had never made you cry before, so he was extremely disappointed in himself. worst of all, seeing you cry made him start to tear up a bit himself.

"baby ..."

"what do you want, kwan? i thought you were busy all day," your words carried venom behind them, but your delivery was still of someone who had been hurt.

"no, baby. you know that's not true. i'm never too busy for you. i'm so sorry. i was such an idiot. there arent enough apologies i could give you. i- i never meant to hurt your feelings."

"you still did."

"i ... i know. i'm sorry. i love you. the last thing i ever want is for you to be hurt by me. i never shouldve gone out with my friends to begin with. you're too understanding of my busy schedule, and i dont deserve it. i shouldve made time all day for you today."

"was ... was it that important? being gone today specifically?", you seemed insecure in your question, which only made seungkwan's heart soar at making you feel insecure around him in any way.

"no! no, of course not. i wasnt thinking. i shouldve told them id go with them next time, or taken you with me! i was so stupid, i'm sorry. you're my priority. i need you to know that."

"it's- it's fine, kwannie. i understand. you dont see your friends that often, you-"

"no! stop. dont try to rationalize it. i made a mistake. you dont have to cover for me. i hurt you and i made you feel unimportant when you're the most important person to me. im so sorry. please never doubt that. i get you all to myself so little, and staying away from you was such a stupid mistake."

more tears had started flowing down your cheeks the further the conversation went on. he wasnt sure if it was because you were touched by his words, or because he was failing at making you feel better. as he neared you enough to wipe your tears with his thumbs, he hoped it was the former.

"baby .. don't cry over me. please. i'm just an idiot. you should never cry over me. i only ever want you to feel good things when thinking of me. i- im so sorry."

"kwannie ... i love you. i understand. i know you dont want me to understand, but i do. you have to make your choices when you're as busy as you are, and .. even though it did make me feel unimportant, i get it."

"it'll never happen again. i'll- i'll keep you by my side day and night. let me- please let me keep you to myself tomorrow. just wanna be with you. please?"

for the first time in the night, he saw you shoot him a small smile, uttering the words he wanted to hear most, "yes, kwannie. will you .. will you stay? please"

"you don't even have to ask."

a/n: thank u to everyone who enjoyed this lil series aaaa i hope it was realistic enough T-T sorry if the reconciliation seemed rushed, i just didnt want any of them to end up with an angsty ending hehe also sorry for seokmin's being shorter than anyone's i just cannot imagine that man ever hurting anyone's feelings.

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xcyphoz0a · 4 months

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Eleutheromania

Gender neutral reader, angst TW/CW: angst, mentions of self afflicted death Character(s): Venti Word count: 848 Proofread: nope | (n) an interest or the irresistible desire for freedom | A/N: vent post + more so dumping my inner feelings from these months written as a will

Sometimes, he thinks every single string of fate cursed him to go through the waves and lengths of grief and desolation.

He can feel the desperation through the scribbled words on the paper.

The feeling of distress, anguish, misery– everything could be felt from the lines of words messily wrote into the paper, drops of ink fading from black to purple in some spaces, noticeable tear drops smudging the ink on the paper.

He wishes to be there– to be in place instead of you, suffering from the continuous torment your own mind had caused you.

Venti knew all too well about pain.

He’d like to think he knows many aspects of the feeling.

All he feels is regret, disappointment, anger, denial.

If he was just there, in that moment before you took your decision, if only he wasn’t somewhere else– perhaps this wouldn’t have happened.

Helplessly staring at the carefully placed shoes on the cliff, he picks them up, holding them close.

What if– he thinks– what if this is just a well placed joke?

He knows it’s only the torture of hope grappling onto his heavy heart, trying to provide him a source of comfort, only for it to fail as he came to the realisation that you weren’t going to be here with him anymore, looking at the stars in the night, taking him from Dawn Winery at the oddest of hours, soothing him to sleep whenever he had nightmares, all the little things that the two of you did, you weren’t going to be there with him anymore.

He could only imagine the tears that you painfully choked up from your body, alone, waiting for someone to help, the uncontrollable shaking that followed from fear and both pain. The desperate feeling for someone or something to alleviate the heavy weight on your chest, unable to breathe.

He knew your want for freedom. It didn’t make sense– the city of Mondstadt was the symbol of freedom.

What was the freedom you were talking about? Was the question that he continuously asked himself whenever you’d mention your desire for freedom.

Now, he knew what it meant. And he wishes so dearly that he was wrong.

He stands on the grassy planes of Starsnatch cliff, hands shaking as he holds your papers containing your will.

Hello, to whoever reads this; I’ll start off with something more light. I was, since I was born, felt a sense of emptiness. I didn’t know until a few years ago that the emptiness was my lack of feeling of freedom. I didn’t know what it meant. You probably don’t understand it either. I live… lived, in Mondstadt. the city of freedom. So why couldn’t I feel that emptiness being fulfilled? I don’t know either. I’ve seeked many solutions, they never worked, so please don’t come asking for my soul why I did what I did. I think my decision was the only solution I had left. Will I regret it? Perhaps. I don’t know. I really dont. But maybe, it is the key for my want of ‘freedom’ to be quenched. So if you’re reading this, I won’t be here anymore, living through memories with whoever you are. I wanted to just, say– perhaps, I wasn’t meant to be in this… body, after all. I want to… put a pause on my life. I didn’t want to bear the thought of waking up and repeating the same routine over and over again, no matter how vastly different it was to each other, I… I just couldn’t. But I don’t want to die. I really don’t want to. I never did. I just wanted to put a pause, like how someone would pause a mechanism and restart it again soon– just like that. I… I just, wanted a break from living. Don’t we all at some point? Haha… I dislike this from getting too long, but I wanted to just convey some of my thoughts, so you can just, throw this away if you’d like, I don’t mind. But still, if you’re reading this part, could you perhaps, not tell anyone? I haven’t… ‘died’, not yet at least, it’s just a pause button on my life, think of it as that, simple, right? This… will be the last few lines of this paper. I think my decision would quench my desire for freedom. I really think it will, don’t grieve. I’ll do what I want to do now. So I did. I did what I wanted to do. Find my own freedom. Goodbye. I’ll see you soon. -(Y/n)

His legs feel numb as he falls onto the ground.

Oh, how he wishes that the ‘I’ll see you soon’ would be real– he’d close and open his eyes, finding your form with him, taking him into your arms.

Venti opens his eyes, finding the stray leaves floating down from the cliff, but you weren’t there.

And all he could do was cry, the suddenness of the surge of emotion scratching the insides of his throat in the burn of anguish and grief.

#the jellyfish's work #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin angst #venti x reader #venti angst #venti

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dizzybizz · 1 year

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when the brainrot hits you like a truck

here are some cooking and cooking related headcanons!!

• kazuki is a very good teacher, hes generally very patient and attentive, he tends to bicker with rei a lot, he struggles to formulate himself concisely sometimes but hes doing great

• miri joins in anytime they cook, they let her wash the vegetables or mix ingredients together, which she obviously has little songs for

• rei is trying his darndest damn it!!

• he finds it really hard asking about stuff and especially for help but hes trying and i love him 😢😢😢

• rei sucks at cracking eggs, miri laughs endlessly, kazuki is dying in the background,,, he keeps explaining how to do it correctly but it never seems to get through to rei

• its not even funny at this point, either the egg is smashed before hes even tapped it to the counter or he ends up using too much force when tapping it against the counter or he successfully cracks the egg but shell ends up going in alongside it-

• he is also stupidly fixated on being able to crack eggs single-handedly (he says its bc its efficient and its always good to have a hand free, which is true, but really he just thinks its badass) and its the bane of kazukis existence, he comes home one day to find both rei and miri (bc miri would also think thats the coolest thing ever and want in) in the kitchen with an almost empty egg carton and egg and shell covered counters, they make eye contact and kazuki immediately turns around and leaves to buy more eggs without so much as a word

• kazuki abandons using omelets as an easy entry-level dish after that

• rei is bad at seasoning savory dishes, hes bad at eyeballing the appropriate amount, kazuki does his best at helping or getting him to use measurements but rei is stubborn, he obviously doesnt want more to have more dishes that absolutely necessary so he needs to work on his eyeballing skill

• during early sessions kazuki would always supervise closely and sorta just constantly stare like a hawk over reis shoulder, he learned quickly not to do that again 💀💀💀

• rei doesnt really grow to like vegetables but kazuki learns ways to work around that by discretely incorporating them in dishes

• rei does like cucumber tho, subtle and very crunchy, put some salt on that sucker and youve got an easy snack (that he shares with miri), you dont even have chop it in order to enjoy it which is appreciated

• kazuki throws a bunch of cookbooks at rei and urges him to look through them and see if anyhting piques his interest, rei flips through them before going to sleep which can bite him in the ass when he has to go to sleep hungry as fuck 💀💀

• hes woken up multiple times with a cookbook in the tub with him

• rei enjoys baking a lot, his and miris sweet tooths never go unsatisfied

• he doesnt bake frequently per se, but he does so in bulk, and freezes cookie dough and such

• kazuki, early on, suggested cooking games in order to maybe get rei a bit familiarized with terms and techniques but he grew to regret it, a gaming night where everyone is gathered in the living room and kazuki loses his mind at the logic in the games, he doesnt stop commentating

• they end up getting into cooperate cooking games like overcooked, plates up and one-armed cook tho and its all good, if they play with miri in the vicinity they have to bite their tongues in order to not swear

• rei struggles grasping his mind around meat, theres so many kinds and cuts and doneness levels and ways of preparation and spice blends- its all a lot

• rei and miri each get their own aprons to match with kazukis 🥺🥺🥺

• miri gets a little yellow one with a monkey or like a sky blue or pink one with a white rabbit, fuck it why not both

• rei has an orange one with a black cat

• or if we wanna stick to an ocean theme, miri would have a goldfish or jellyfish and rei would have an octopus

• rei is a bit of a mess in the kitchen but we love him anyway, i just feel like hed be the type to go "ill clean it all at the end"

• he unceremoniously throws dirtied utensils and pots in the sink to be delt with later

• doesnt even use waiting times to clean or clear his space a little, kazuki is horrified

• rei finds doing the dishes a bit tedious at times but he enjoys the process and seeing the fruits of his labor in the form of sparkling clean dishes

• the repetitive motions are very soothing

• he doesnt like getting wet tho and wears gloves

• rei listens to music when cooking- maybe some instrumental tracks, nothing too distracting

• miri observes whenever either of them are cooking, she stands on a little stool in order to see the counters properly, she is really curious and inquisitive

• early on in reis cooking journey she would give him pointers and reminders she remembered kazuki telling them

• rei isnt an adventurous eater or cook, he prefers things that are simple and quick to prepare

• wait times for rei are long and arduous so he sneaks off to play some video games in the living room, the first few times he did this were disastrous and hes learnt to turn down the volume by a bit and reminding himself that he is in fact in the middle of cooking something

• the family makes lots of homemade popsicles during summer

• when kazuki and rei first try cooking together they mess up a lot but eventually they get a system going where each of them has their own tasks. they make a good team in the kitchen for the most part

• cooking very much becomes a family activity for them after a while

#these are so disorganized- good luck #pls tell me your fave and your own hcs i need to know #my faves are the ones about eggs 😭😭😭#i spent well over two hours thinking about fictional characters cooking... this is what my life has come to.....#buddy daddies #rei suwa #these are mostly rei as per usual #miri unasaka #kazuki kurusu #i wanna draw so many of these 😭😭😭#dizzybrainworms

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istherewifiinhell · 2 months

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[thing im thinking about all the fucking time] i have my g1 megs tag as 'hold that man who is a gun' in honour of funny thing said by someone not prepared to watch an 80s cartoon where a man does in fact hold another man who is a gun. but rather its my tag for the SPECIFIC vibe of. well. when he is held. as a gun. but its a tag i cannot rb posts into cause its apparently TOO specific a vibe.

youd think well, hes a man who is a gun. techicnally this puts him semi under popular tropes of 'living weapon [person dedicates their life to the purpose of violence]' and 'living weapon [person who is objectfied and wielded in violence (comma, literally)]'

but do u know what the god damn problem is. [not with the tropes just with me wanting populate this tag] the gimmick with the first is often about like. regret and remorse. oh theyve become a weapon but life is so much more than that. oh theyve done horrible things thats sad. and worst of all [again for my purposes] now lets heal them from this. lets see them not be this thing any more.

this does not work for my purposes cause. well. He's a gun. and hes a gun cause he wants to shoot people. hes pretty good at it when hes not a gun too. im positive in the grand scope of tf land theres A Megs who fits that kinda vibe. you know. the war is long. or its over. and hes left with the thing hes made of himself. but, to use a phrase from my fav tf toy review. g1 megs is Bad Bastard. hes a warlord. hes a goddamn cartoon villian. the only thing that ever forces his hand imminent treats to his life. which are usually, 1. whatever planet hes currently on is moments away from collasping, imploding, or exploding. 2. literally the most powerful forces of raw power or malevolence in the setting.

thats it. at all other times he seems pretty cool and of his own volition of the whole. Being a gun thing. also he tends to solve those other problems also by Being a gun. a gun that can talk and negotiate and compromise when needed but. still. the necessity of Being the Gun is pretty strong.

the second trope, the mismatch is completely on the objectivified versus object part. if someone is literally objectived and wielded, they are no longer in control, but they are still the instrument of violence. if metaphorical, perhaps the location of violence, the means of violence, but not the true perpetrator. either way. often a feeling that the body is not their own.

but with megs its like, yeah he turns into a hand gun! not a tank. or an automated cannon or turret (thats galv. aka purple megs, which interestingly is him being reformated to one of those malevolent forces will). so hes is an object. that other people can hold, and fire. someone else infact, needs to fire, (well give or take for loose continuity). but the thing is, this is not really a predictament that OTHER people put him into. hes a Man. who is a gun. part of his body is that he is also a gun. he can choose when he transforms, and Be a Gun. And then held, and fired. the depiction of it is usually quite authoritative. and just personality wise. hes not gonna let people forgot that HES THE GUN.

and i mean. to address the holding. specifically to single out oppie. thats someone who is supposedly. less about this whole shooting everything business. i mean. dont get me wrong he very much has a gun and uses it often. its War and hes the Good Guy™. but well he is Not a Gun, and he would not Want to be a gun.

so like. what u have is instead this dynamic of a very bossy gun that takes delight in Being the gun, that sometimes needs to throw himself into the hands of a guy who in the perfect world wouldnt shoot anything.

now granted. extant examples of this are more like 'shoot thing into space' or 'shoot the thing before it explodes' than, more pointed violence thats posed by the presence of The Gun. but go with me here. vibes.

The gun is the means of violence. But to be 'willing to pull the trigger' is to be willing to allow yourself to be the cause, the catalysts of that. so really it is the person who is NOT the gun who becomes implicated in the violence. he is forced to under circumstance, but not, importantly, literally forced, controlled or otherwise overriden.

and ofc. also regarding the intimacy of this arrangement. to complete this act of violence is to hold another person, or to fling yourself towards them and be held. completely fitting into the hands. but its a choice to be held and a choice to catch. and in showing this in smooth and compotent action, implies the not just physical prowess but automatic cooperation and perhaps comfort in the circumstance.

and The Gun is completely fine with this whole situation and is probably gonna laugh at the guy who isnt a gun and say something funny and innuendous as soon as possible.

#some shit #its not called cisformers #collasping on a chaise cause i CANNOT infact make everything about blorbo from my shows. im trying.#UNFORTUNATELY thing that those bad machinmas got so right was having a like. retired megs that was not regretful or remorseful at all #he was just kinda a bored shitkicker fucking around in an abandoned gladiator ring fighting for fun. completely confident in and happy abt #his ablity to do violence Better Than everyone else. and ingeneral was just kinda a tactless asshole.

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heavenlyhandscribbles · 2 years

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hello elliot!

could i please request an eddie munson x (male or gn i dont know what you prefer) reader involving the quote "you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up" and/or "you wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid"

youre so pogchamp epic gamer hii

You sent in this request and I fully intend on making it angst, I would apologize but I do Not care.

The Fool

Eddie Munson x GN!Reader

Warnings: Angst. no resolve. get fucked. kinda based on the tarot card the fool because i recently pulled it in a reading. not proof read cause i don't care

Word Count: 528

To claim you love Eddie was stupid. To say it out loud was much more stupid. To actually love him? Well you might as well be the most stupid person on the planet. Because you cannot love someone who will never love you back like that. Eddie munson was known for getting around, and you were just the stupid fool chasing after him. Hands blindly reaching for someone who will never reach back. A turned cold shoulder, no longer your chest filled with warmth as you felt shame filling you. It hurt. It tore your chest open from the inside out and tugged your heart out for use as an ashtray for him to put his blunts out each night. He was using you and you were letting it happen because you might as well enjoy what you have. A delicate hand traced your skin as he leaned over your shoulder, blowing the foul scented smoke your way, “Wanna go again?”

“Sure.” you reply without a single ounce of regret saying it, desperately wanting to get more ‘affection’. You wanted to feel loved for a few moments more.

Eddie cocked a brow, noticing the off tone as he purred, “What’s wrong?”

“Just a little tired is all.” You smile, a lie. He notices. He always notices.

“Why are you lying?” He asks, a plea, wants you to open up but doesn’t want to see the inside of you.

“I’m not trying to, I guess maybe we shouldn’t.” You don’t want to not, but you shouldn’t. You’ll regret it later.

“What’s wrong then?” He kept pushing, “I need you to open up to me.” He frowns, it’s fake, you can taste it on your tongue.

“I don’t know, okay?” You reply, it’s snappy, angry. You’re upset at him and you don’t know why. You’re in love with him and angry he’s not in love with you back.

“Okay but something is wrong and it’s obvious it’s not some mental thing, what’s wrong?” He snapped back, sitting up.

“What’s wrong is I think instead of being addicted to weed or nicotine you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up.” You snap, your tone is harsh, rude, filled with anger, and the sight of his anger back makes you weak. You want to apologize, but he notices you’ve shrunk back, and he retaliates.

“You want to kiss me so bad it makes you fucking stupid.” He snaps. The fool breaks. The fool has fallen off the cliff. And you think maybe he’s right. Eddie’s making you stupid. You’re lovesick and stupid.

He notices water fill your eyes and sighs, angry he even has to apologize as he begins, but you cut him off, stand and move away from him, “I’m gonna go home.” You slide on your clothes, quickly, grab your overnight bag. Walk away. The fool walks away from the cliff, and lives another day without experiencing the joys of falling. And maybe it’s better that way sure, but maybe the fall would be more fun. Maybe you would get hurt in the end, but maybe you enjoyed it while it lasted. But then again, you’re still the fool.

#eddie munson x male reader #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #stranger things s4 #eddie munson oneshot #mlm #mlm post #achillean #mlm love #gay mlm #gay people !!#oneshot #angst #eddie munson angst #no resolve #angst/no resolve

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dysfunctjon · 8 months

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I fucking hate it.

I hate every moment without you. You’ve been on my mind more recently. Every lovey dovey thing reminds me of you. Every single thing reminds me of you. I still wonder how you’re doing. And I still wonder if you will ever come back to me.

Im still attached to you. I still want you back. It still hurts that you are really over thus (or what it seems). God I want you back so bad. I hate that I do but fuck I really, really do. I want you back more than fucking anything.

I miss you and your presence. I regret ever sending hateful messages to you. I regret even telling anybody what happened. If you came back i dont know if id be happy or hurl. I wish it didn’t end the way it did. I wish you were still with me. I wish we were still together.

I know that logically it would be better for me to move on from you and to heal and to just. Never EVER go back to you. But fuck I want to. I want you back so goddamn bad. I Miss you. I still love you.

I wish you could come back into my life again. I really, really do. I wish we never even broke up. But you’re such a piece of shit and a terrible person. But I still miss you. I feel so broken without you. Please just come back to me in some way. I miss you so fucking much. I just want you. I can’t stop thinking about you or missing you or anything. You were my whole world I just fucking wish you could’ve reciprocated it goddamnit. I did everything for you. I still love you so much I really do. I didnt mean all those awful nasty things I said about you or anything.

Im sorry i lashed out. I’m sorry.

Now I really dont have a chance back with you and I fucking hate it. I just want to talk to you again. I remember all the good memories and im just crushed. You were my everything. I fucking loved you goddamnit why did you do this to me. Im not over you I just want you back I can’t stand it.

I know you were terrible. I know that you lied to me. I know you did terrible things behind my back probably. But I don’t even care. I would still let you do those things to me if it meant you could come back & we would be together. I fucking miss you man. I do. I fucking love you my heart still loves you so much even though you spat it out on the ground and crushed it. I wish you weren’t so fucking evil. I wish you didnt do this to me. I fucking miss you. I dont want to but I do.

I wish that I could’ve just talked to you normally I wish this never fucking happened I just wish I lived in ignorant bliss forever if it meant I could stay with you. Goddamnit. God fucking dammit. I love you so much still. I can’t go on. I really can’t.

I fucking hate you so much for making me feel this way. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. God why.

#dysfunctionalvent #ventblr #im so fucking tired of it god fucking dammit I miss you #im so sorry im so fucking sorry #I still love you im sorry #actuallybpd #bpd fp #I hate myself so fucking much

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rigil-kentauris · 1 year

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When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers!! here ya go!!

OH NO JUST 5????

lets see

hm. im going to take the definition ACTUALLY LISTEN TO and translate that to listen with a capital L, put that song on and melt into mattress, listening to that song is a Task.

1. Nothing Left To Say/Rocks Imagine Dragons EXCEPT i dont listen to rocks i do not like it. i got this album for free back when google play music was new enough to coax people with free music if you can believe that. anyway this song is too big to listen to while walking. i will listen to it while driving but i think i shouldnt. its very. hm.

its very sad. it reminds me of people ive left behind. and places i cant go back to. situations that are over without a choice or chance of reprieve. sometimes it just be like that.

but as sad as it is i think lots of parts of this song are also hopeful. the chorus is entirely about giving up, but ever verse ends with i keep pushing on. i think the idea that you keep pushing on and on is the kind of hope that makes all the sad worse. the first time i wrote a piece of fluff, coming off of a solid career of angst, the person i was writing with was like, see, now that they are happy, you can make them even sadder! because once, they were happy! and i think this song is a bit reverse of that. things suck, and you keep going. theres nothing left to say about it.

anyway, i think this song says about me that i am depressed but what is new there. my favorite line is all of them. god ive decided to pick lines. so i would say that. despite liking individual lines more, i think my favorite line is when it goes

But I keep pushing On and on and on and on

or when it goes and instead of but. i think it contrast is what makes the song powerful. im tired, and im lost, and everything hurts, and im giving up but im still going. im falling but im pushing on. theres nothing i can do and nothing i can say. im pushing on. what a very modern tragedy. ill stop now before i go in circles.

grumpy side note. i think If you could only save me/I'm drowning in the waters of my soul… could be improved. this whole song has been internally driven until then, and then the song gives the spotlight moment to a desperate wish that someone else could save me/us/you. pah.

also fuck rocks. im sorry if someone reading this is a rocks liker but i am not.

2. Well now that we've got a a bog standard answer I'll put All My Friends by LCD Soundsystems for the umpteenth time. I won't make everyone sit through this ramble again. I think this song also says about me that i am a depressed zillenial.

i genuinely cant pick a single line. if im picking one part then that means im not picking another

in general i think this whole song is. regrets and nostalgia bound together. lives youve lead. mistakes youve made. people who have come apart from you just as it is. losing yourself to the grind but also living. this whole verse is

It comes apart The way it does in bad films Except the part Where the moral kicks in Though when we're running out of the drugs And the conversation's grinding away I wouldn't trade one stupid decision For another five years of life

And its like. life is coming apart. we're coming down of the life of living and being young and being in the moment. theres no moral to this story. just entropy. and despite that. despite all that. i wouldnt give any of it away. everything has lead me here and i- i am not just happy with that. i wouldnt take five more years worth of chances in exchange for the one shot to change what ive been

i think its pretty aspirational

theres another song i like to listen to that has a theme of even the mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. i think. eh. i think these aspirations are useful. i think we can find happiness even if the past is sad.

anyway all of these are my favorite lines. this is another one i listen to in the car even though i shouldnt.

3. DID I SAY STOP BEING MAUDLIN I MEANT START HARDER. Wide Open - Chemical Brothers after about a million hours listening time i am becoming slightly immune to this one though.

tbh the lyrics arent particularity striking to me but the whole combination of everything is just MAGICAL. plus theres like four whole words in the song. but since ive decided to make myself pick lines, im going to go with the chorus Slow me down/It's getting away from me

4. OH OH. OH I WANT TO PUT. Hm. I think this might not count but i've written almost an essay about this one and i listen to it critically so I think it fits the definition of Listen listen to. Truth Despair and Hope, FE8, Saki Haruyama, Yoshihiko Kitamura, Yoshito Hirano. im mentally ill about this song re: how it blends storytelling and music.. i'll tell you how ill i am about this song i dug up my exhiled FE blog (nobody @ me there i wont see it) to find what i wrote about it [long eyes emoji post with timestamps][a shorter post that i DID NOT FINISH ELABORATING ON???? but i think is more insightful and important analysis of the story/song meld]

anyway. its not like. a song on my playlists. its just like the only music ive every done serious analysis on voluntarily and because i once said if this song was a person i'd marry it. also help i managed to avoid putting any of these songs on while writing and now ive failed and i cant turn it off. im worked up about this again. its about teh WEAVING OF THREE DISPARATE TALES EACH ALIKE IN MEANING EXCEPT WHEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF THE OTHER. WHO IS TRUTH? WHO IS DESPAIR? WHO IS HOPE? WHO IS WORKING THAT SICK ASS BASS LINE? THIS SONG AND ITS TRIO OF PARTS (okay i count four in several parts but yknow) HAUNT ME

this one doesnt have lyrics so i cant have a favorite one. my favorite part i think would be the bass from 0:30-0:45

5. there are better candidates for 5, but i spent a week on internal debating and if i dont pick a 5 im never going to. in the spirit of something more cheerful than the prior, im picking Where the Streets Have No Names which is by U2. so, for reasons i wont get into, i have been flying on planes regularly for most my life. this is my Plane Song. i dont listen to it very often because like. the atmosphere. has to be: you are squished into your window seat. its fucking BAKING hot because the sun in magnified on you. it is also FREEZING because youre on a plane. you are squished like the sardine with a stranger and your leg hurts from playing the cant touch anyone anxiety game. and youre tired from getting up early or staying up late and youre unrelated, slightly dozy because the whole process is a stress and theres the tremendous white noise of the massive engines leaking in through your very worn earbuds. and theres the minute vibrations of your tiny metal tube, and you are looking out the baking hot window and there are clouds and clouds and clouds and SUN. and you are nowhere in the world on your way to somewhere else. and it doenst matter if thats a good somewhere or a bad somewhere. your in the Sky now. and it is beautiful

anyway i havent flown lately as you might imagine. plague and all that.

im going to cheat and pick two lyrics. We're still building then burning down love/Burning down love because i like it and i like how it sounds in the song. i like the sound more than the next lyrics but i like the next lyric better, which is And when I go there/I go there with you/It's all I can do

im very disappointed i couldnt sneak in a complextro song or one of the glitchy ones. but tbh i listen to those because they distract half my brain, allowing me to focus. they arent really for Listening listening to.

--------

okey i know several of yall do NOT like tag games and i cant remember who right now so i will wait on tagging. but if you want to do it please tag me and i will skedaddle over and give some songs a listen!

#long post #WOOF THAT TOOK FOREVER #THE INTERNAL DEBATES LASTED A WEEK #that was fun though #ask games

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yourghastlycloseness · 3 months

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feel kind of seen in the video on BPD i was watching: https://youtu.be/6TS4d-zqRFA?feature=shared

i’ve been thinking about my emotional turbulence and lack of emotional regulation. the smallest things make me want to die. i just lose my shit all the time. one cup gets stuck inside another and i burn myself with hot water and hit myself in the face because how stupid must i be to allow something like that to happen? but im high functioning and i set the cup outside in hot water so that it expands and fill the cup inside with iced water so that it contracts and i manage to separate the two cups in the end. im high functioning but the cracks are there. people who see it can feel something’s off. i lose it at objects and at strangers. i try to exercise more control with the people in my life such that talking to people makes me feel like dying because whatever they’re getting isn’t who i am at all. i hate all my friends. i see the good in them. i’d rather be without them. but then what if i die of loneliness? fuck that, if there’s one thing i can take, it’s loneliness. i set up “tests” to see how much people want me in their lives. when they pass, i think they’re lying. when they fail, i think, good riddance. i don’t give a shit what anyone says but then one day im at the grocery store and i catch sight of my awful appearance in the mirror and i think about what that one friend said 20 years ago and how i’m probably the most incompetent person alive and i would shoot myself there and then

the point is i think the doctor misdiagnosed me a few years back with bipolar II. i had suggested to him that what i have is likely BPD, but he insisted that it was a mild bipolar (he did acknowledge that it was possible i had both) and proceeded to prescribe me a whole chunk of meds, some of them in the photo below. another one prescribed me 6 months worth of lexapro and an appointment just as much later bcos i had been in high spirits when i saw him and said i probably recovered—that’s just me talking out of my ass on a “good” day—the next day i crashed and burned and wanted to die again

im sick of the ups and downs. it’s exhausting

another therapist i had said a diagnosis. but im here watching all this content and while im by no means qualified to self-diagnose, i do think putting a name to what you have (accurately) makes it seem like there’s hope, things can be resolved

if you ever see those demonic possession horror movies, the first thing the priest does is to name the demon or whatever, and from there, they’re able to strategise the exorcism. in those scenes where the exorcism doesn’t go well, it’s usually revealed that the priest or the exorcist named the wrong demon. naming something correctly is so impt

with the ppl who don’t have mental illness, i think they just want me to “get over it”. with the ppl who understand that mental illness might be a thing, they think just going to a doctor or a therapist magically cures everything. to the mental health professional, i’m just another woman in my 20s crying for help, seeking validation, and riding the waves of the mental health awareness movement. yknow, just being trendy ✨

i don’t want to live anymore because every single fucking thing hurts. nobody cares about me. nobody chooses me. someone talked about watching an animal get killed and then eating it and i just couldn’t stop crying. yet i would probably stab a stranger on the streets with no regrets. it’s not even that i want to kill or hurt someone: i just need confirmation that the world i’m living in is real. maybe get beat up and murdered in prison or executed by law, whatever. put an end to this. i dont know what i feel anymore all i know is that i have no energy for any of it and if i feel anything it’s just false joy, then pain and anger

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voodoopussy · 6 months

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“Reyna, I want to say many things to you. So bear with me. Where do I begin.. First, nothing is going to change my heart, and until I die, I am in love with you and it hasn’t changed. No matter how much I suppress it or how many people I meet. This has been on my mind, on my heart too long. I’ve never felt like I was in love with anyone else. For a long time, I thought it would just happen if I just buckled down and focused on the relationship but nothing erases the love, the smell of it all over me. I can’t shake you. My heart just leads me back to you. The one that got away, the one I gave away.. whatever you call it. I’ve thought about you every single day. Every day. I ache for you. And I’m not ashamed. I’ll never meet anyone like you ever again. I always come back to you. Your smile, your voice, your conversation, us reading eachothers minds. Just the connection is unmatched. I still am in love with you. I told myself so long to just never tell you so you can live your life, and leave you at peace, but I realized I just hurt myself by keeping this inside of me. Ive been growing and this is important for me. Im still not over you. I cannot move on without you knowing how I truly feel about you. These texts aren’t enough to relay the sincerity I truly have,but I’m doing my best. I couldn’t breathe properly anymore knowing that I haven’t told you all of this. Not speaking to you has been the dumbest, most painful thing I’ve ever done. So it makes me happy when you respond to me, it’s like water for my soul. My love for you is deep to the core.You’re so sweet, and I miss you everyday. Second, I’ve had to slowly learn to forgive myself for how I treated you. It led me to realize how I could take you for granted. I never thought you were disposable, or not enough. But I feel like I didnt fight hard enough. I didnt follow my intuition, my gut. Which said not to give up. I been trying to force myself to be somewhere I dont want to be for real. Im done being sad. If you ever need or want anything and I can help or do it. I want to know. I want to be there. You most likely don’t but yeah, I don’t care what it is. Just letting you know im here. You’re a dear friend in my eyes. Irreplaceable. Third, I love you enough to know and be responsible for what happened between us. I regret it. But I take accountability. I will always respect you and your wishes. You are the most deserving. I have no ill intent. Its been difficult going through all of this. But I just have to tell you, I wish you happiness all the time. I don’t expect you to do anything. I know you’re listening and Thats enough. I’ve been searching for you in other people and you aren’t there. Im done looking for you other places because you are you and you’re still alive, in the flesh. Don’t want to waste anymore time than I already have. Thank you for being a friend worth a lifetime. I’d do anything for you. Our love is and was real. I feel like you feel the same, well I hope. My intuition and my heart tell me. I cling to our memories like my life depended on it. Like my identity depended on it. I love you. Imma stop here. I could keep going, but I’ve said enough through text I think. Sorry to put this all on you. Again, I wish you happiness all the time. I had to get alot off my chest to you and no one else. Thanks for listening..”

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dumbbitchfrommars · 9 months

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its a journey, not a race. i have to feel this way to move on.

what do i want to gain from telling my sisters about this? or my mum? what could they tell me that would help?

all i truly want to hear is that i should listen to my heart and go back to him. that he really was one of a kind, and that i wont find another like him. but the reality is im still 22, and i havent even met anyone besides him, because i wont let go of him. i dont want to let go of him! i want him back. i want what we had back. i want to feel that kind of love and attraction for someone again. because so far, i havent found a single person who can aggravate and excite me all at once the way he did. that could make me genuinely LAUGH the way he did. that made me feel safe and cared for like he did. ugh. is it true that i felt this way? am i making it all up to feed into my delusions? its so tiring being this way. its like the only thing that would make it end is to simply do it. to actually unblock him, add him, send him a dm, and get to the bottom of it myself. to put my pride aside, and risk rejection, all to hear from him again. to relight that connection. to somehow get the answers that i seek. what answers? that he still wants me? but do i still want him? who even is he, now...? is that what it is? the lack of knowing? i want him to still belong to me, even when i dont want to be together. i have the audacity to think he owes that loyalty to me years after i left him.

i want to know if he still has any kind of feelings for me. do you still think about me as often as i do? does it make you sad? does it make you miss me? does it make you nostalgic, or do you want it back? do you wish things went differently...? do you wonder, maybe, things could be different now, if we tried again?

i wish we could get to know eachother all over again without it feeling wrong. i wish we could start again without feeling like its a mistake. i wish that i was right in thinking you were the one for me all along.

i used to think we'd be together forever. that we'd have kids together.

did you secretly expect us to break up too? or did you want us to be together forever? because somehow i wanted both at once.

well. anyway, the point of all this is this. i still cant get you off my mind. so, you did win. if there was anyone who won, it was always you. you got me, you got the experience of a girlfriend, you had the character development of dating a girl like me. we learnt from eachother but you get to take that knowledge and now find a new girl to charm and love better than you ever did for me. and after all my fighting and anger and resentment, now i cant go a day without remembering you and the amazing love we shared and the memories we have together. ugh. ew. im so sappy and pathetic.

i dont know if it would be satisfying or heartbreaking to know that you still think about me to, or miss me. it would be even more heartbreaking to know you didn't.

i know youre happy now and that makes me happy and proud of you. you honestly might be doing a lot better than me mentally now. thats so impressive. you have a good circle of friends, youre living your best life and having fun and you moved forward instead of backward. that change is so heartwarming for me.

it irritates me that youre a tradie now. did you do that on purpose, cause i find them so hot? do you know how bad that makes me crave you? my body hasnt forgotten the things you did to me... lol. thats fucked up and lowkey weird. we broke up a long time ago and we were still very young.

i wonder how much better youd be now. i wonder how many girls youve slept with now? i hope they were good. my body count went up but for no good reason. they were all terrible and never made me cum. what a waste of my body. another massive regret.

anyway. i wonder how you'd react if you actually knew i felt this way about you. if you read everything i just wrote... would you feel bad for me? or would it spark something in you, a memory, and hope, that maybe its worth trying again. or has too much time passed, and too much has happened between us, that it simply wouldnt make sense anymore?

ive tried and tried to reconnect with old friends from the past. even the ones who i left on good terms with, we just cant seem to click anymore. we changed and outgrew eachother. and they remind me too much of the past, and the pain of grieving that time and that old me is too much, and it makes it too hard to see her anymore.

maybe weve changed so much, and the trust has faded so far, that even if we were to reconnect, wed inevitably lose eachother again anyway. would that hurt more? perhaps its best to leave the memory untouched where it is, and not meddle with what we had, by replacing it with newly failed attempts of rekindling things.

ugh.

i always come back to the same conclusion. and thats good! its consistent, and its healthy, and its right, and it helps me to stay on gods path. but its so exhausting going round in this circle so much. when can i be given a break? when can this addiction end? who is holding onto who at this point? is it venus retrograde? this whole time ive been blaming my emotions on venus. but every now and then i wonder if its him manifesting himself into my mind by thinking about me to.

EXCUSE ME! IF YOU ARE HEARING ME RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK? I DONT WANT TO IMAGINE YOU ALL HOT AND SWEATY IN YOUR WORK UNIFORM AFTER A DAYS WORK. I DONT LIKE IMAGINING YOU LAUGHING AND MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR FRIENDS. I DONT ENJOY MISSING A PERSON WHO DOESNT EXIST. SO PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT ME AND MANIFESTING IN MY MIND! ITS EXHAUSTING. I NEED A BREAK TO FIND SOMETHING REAL AND TANGIBLE, THANKS.

i am so fucking delusional and need professional help. thats all

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