#i dont wanna be alive i wanna die i wanna kill myself i want it all to be over

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#i so desperately wish i would just die without killing myself #just not wake up tomorrow morning dear god #i dont know what im living for anyone. i really dont i really dont #im too tired too sick and not motivated enough to make it through life #i barely want or care about anything anymore #i just wanna die. i just wanna sleep i just wanna rest i cant fucking do this #theres barely anyone that i should stay alive for. my absence would be forgotten in weeks to months anyway #im too much of a fuckup to help anyone which is one of the few things i even care about anymore #i cant do any of this. i dont want any of this #im so tired of the pain im so tired of the god awful fucking pain all the time the physical pain the emotional pain #its been my whole life. my whole life #im tired of being lonely. ive gone through most of the horrid shit in this life alon3 #its too much. its too much. its too fucjin mich im tired of failing over and over again im tired of crying #im not good enough for anything. im not good room for absolutely fuckin anything or anyone #god just take me already #life has already been so cruel i dont understand why you must prolonged my suffering #i wasnt even fucking 2 yet when this shit started. god. god fucking damn it god this pain has been my whole fucking life i just want it to #end #. #id throw myslef infront of a car if it was certain death and wouldnt traumatize anyone else #god fucking damn it why is it so hard to die. why. why why why fucking why am i still breathing god just let me fucking go

[faggotmox]

.

#got *another* final write up at work #bc i cursed in front of customers #and because i apparently talk to the new hires in an inappropriate way #which has been a concern for a long time that ive been a dick to others bc i cant read tone and shit #i literally want to kill myself #i just dont know what im supposed to do? because ive asked and akswed for help #and it gets swept under the rugm #i just want to die and im feel spiteful so i want them to know it partfully their fault #i have tried and worked so hard to channge and be an good employee #but i get no feed back until its criticle #im never informtated that ive done something wrong or upset someone #and its not like my ocd is tellin gme i fuck up every sing le time and have no iidea what im doing #its almost like i ask for help bc i fucking need it #i just wanna slit my wrists in the fucing bathroom so my boss has to clean it up #im so sick and tired of being the problematic autistic who is out of control #when i ask and ask and ask for help #i hope i fucking die bc im tired fo it #i hope i dont wake up tomorrow morning or i get killed my car on my wya to my brothersh stupif fucking dinner #i hope i die i just fucking hope it #im over being alive over beign autistic over not being able to get help #and im more over than anything accidentally upseting or hurting poeple bc i dont understand when i have tried so hard #the ammount of fucking energy i put into work is so much more than the average person that i have no life outside of it #fuck i just wanna die i just wann fucking die #i tried callin gmy therapist but he is booked for weeks #not that he does anything #he has fucked me over three times now #whats the fucking point #i just want to die i just want to kill myself #if i hadnt popped 4 lorazpams yesterday and slept through it id have accutally killed myself #i had the razor and evertyhing

[philosophicallie]

all of the weather has lost its charm and whimsy it is simply now the land's purposeful torture for me

#i dont want to wear my stupid fuxking coat im gonna be wearing 3 sleeves and i want to die. i want the vape and i want to be nice but i keep #being me and being angry and ive already made like 4 coping memes about how much i wanna kill myself or my boss like im tired im tireddd #let me fucking sleep for 8 months i dont want to be alive if all i am is cruel i want to purposefully lash out so bad all the time and i #have to suppress myself with other alters but even then i still am the one who wakes and sleeps usually. so i wanna fucking die already god #im tired of my hormones im tired of my anger im tired of how much a part of me these things are. theyre all i am. what else do i do with it. #i just want to bite the hand that feeds to test if it would ever feed me again but i cant do that anymore im not a fucking child #but i still want to do it how do i get myself to fucking stop #vent

[wikipedie]

.

#do not read #or read at your own caution idk idc im just too lazy to pick my diary up and pick a pen so i guess ill be using tumblr as a diary again lol #personal #june is ending and mental illness is picking lolololol ✨✨✨ #i can't even really verbalise some of my thoughts i just wjsh i wasn't alive #but i have decided now that whichever way i die ill do my best not to be by suicide #i don't even know why #out of spite i guess #i don't want the mental illness or demons or whatever the fuck to win #so like. fuck you. but im not killing myself. even if I wish i was aborted. nothing to do about that now #when i go i go but it will not be by my own hand #I'll keep living out of spite #or i hope i can #god it is unbearable sometimes #and really unbearable now #but it is what it is #suicidal ideation mention #just in case someone has it blacklisted dont wanna send a poor chap into an episode

[that-lesbian-gurl]

irl quotes <3

hayyyyyy y’all, i’m back and if you want to see some of my irls here on tumblr C is @some-horse-gurl and Titi is @jarondont

one more thing, if you’ve read these before you’ll have seen E but she’s annoying and decided she will now be ‘slayer of dance’ so keep an eye out.

Me: “baby shot glass would murder the world” lady floutist: “i would thank it”

idk where the baby shot glass came from but i don’t trust it

C: “my beautiful water bottle i dropped down the stairs and hit two children”

C: *southern accent* C: “i don’t know what i did wrong to little Suzie”

C, who is Suzie? we don’t know one

lil miss muffin: “why do they have faces?”

C: “cause some of us aren’t creative” Me: “who’s some of us?” C: “me”

goth leaf: “dude is pizza real food?” lady floutist: “i don't know...i think pizza is just...pizzaaaa”

C: “that’s unfortunately my child” lady flouist: *offended* C: “i love you slightly less than my other child”

C: “i’m sorry but my other child makes my school papers look demonic.”

tomato: “tomatoes go on your shirt”

truer words have never been spoken

C: “what like .01% of the time?” slayer of dance: “No, no be nice” C: “I’m talking about myself” slayer of dance: “oh then carry on”

once again, i present, the ‘married’ couple

Me: “ew leap day” C: “lake be nice” Me: “the last one was in horror year i will not be nice”

C: “that’s too bad because you kiLLED EVERYBODY ELSE”

you believe me if i said this is about the oregon trail?

C: “have any of us died yet?”

again, oregon trail

lil miss muffin: “slayer of dance drowned” C: “YES”

still oregon trail

C: “that’s too bad because you kiLLED EVERYBODY ELSE”

oregon trail!

lil miss muffin: “C are you being greenist?”

watching the wizard of oz with your friends is fun, i promise.

C: “I hate when they describe a place like it’s so old and beat up” C: “I DONT GIVE A FUCK”

C: “my entire family has brown eyes including me, except for my dad like whAT DO YOU THINK MAKES YOU SPECIAL”

i don’t think she likes her dad much

C: “you can’t help people by bashing their head in”

slayer of dance stole C’s water bottle

slayer of dance: “i thought you were gonna say you can’t help people by bashing their head in” slayer of dance: *hits C* slayer of dance: “i think it’s working”

with a paper. i think.

Me: “… and you’ll die” C: “slay”

tomato: “why do i kinda want a lockdown to happen” Me: “because it would be exciting and you could possibly die” C: *gasp* C: “i wanna die”

we are very concerning

C: “when in doubt divorce it out”

Me: “i’m aliv-“ *coughs* *dies*

C: “kindness doesn’t matter” C: “Be a mean person”

lady floutist: “here C, try this” C: “HOLY SHIT”

istg lady floutist carries bricks in her backpack

C: “leave no space for other citizens”

Titi: “i am actually sobbing” Me: *doesn’t look up* Me: “are you sure? that doesn’t seem true” Titi: *offended* Titi: “i WAS sobbing”

she’s reading the oddest because she’s obsessed with Epic: the musical

C: “please just flip people off”

lady floutist: “what’s with all the ruffles this isn’t the 1800s, burn it like the witches that wore it”

goth leaf: “i love witchcraft”

i do too!!!

lovely, this was fun but i shall see you all again in the future, adieu!

#my irl friends #friends #irl shit #my irls are crazy

[queenie-blackthorn]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

#mental health day #world mental health day #october 10 #tw sewerslide attempt #tw mentions of death #tw mentions of self harm #tw self destructive behavior #road to recovery

[marshymoss]

BSD 107 SPOILERS

//SPOILERS!! AHHHHH!!!! I'm putting my thoughts here because I have a moot on Twitter that I don't want to spoil things for....

OK. SO. You know how Dazai is Not having a good time rn.... like bro is seeing the pearly gates. And Chuuya (who is not in control of his own body) is on his way to kill him via Fyodor's orders.

NOW, many people, including myself... ARE SO EXCITED FOR THIS SKK REUNION!!! like... so many monumental things abouta possibly happen. SUCH AS (list off the top of my head): 1. Chuuya bite Dazai vampire style and that nullifies the curse. Aha. i can imagine the edits now. (and to see that animated at some point.. ough) 2. Skk beats up Fyodor double black style ;) 3. Skk bantering that we have missed so so so much 4. Chuuya potentially faking being vampire, lifting his hat up, and looking at Dazai... "You missed me?" OR "You look like shit. Almost makes me forgive you for that stunt you pulled with the water." 5. Dazai being carried princess style by Chuuya ahhahahtg73849ewk 6. Now, what me personally wanna see.... Chuuya BOOKING it down the halls trying to get to Dazai in time. I don't think this will happen because the shock value of seeing Chuuya actually faking being vampire wouldn't be as good. BUT OH BOY AM I IMAGINING IT. 7. oh and Chuuya having his own flashbacks ab their relationship too!!

IM SO EXCITED FOR JULY YALL. EEK.

Now, I don't think Dazai is going to die. But. It a possibility that we cannot ignore.... and I've got some angst that it can cause. Like. Agh. This is the reason I'm making this post; I want to shock others with fear. Fear that I don't want to suffer through alone. NOW, MY ANGSTY LIST FOR HOW THIS SKK INTERACTION MIGHT PLAY OUT:

Fyodor calls back vampire Chuuya (Sigma situation) and he doesn't make it to Dazai in time and Dazai dies Alone. (I don't think this is going to happen at like. All. But it could! Maybe!)

Turns out Chuuya is faking being vampire, but he gets to Dazai and it's too late to do anything (poison kicks in, bro bleeds out, etc.) He dies in his arms! ^^

Chuuya is forced to activate corruption, Dazai can't save him because BROKEN LEGS and both Chuuya and Dazai die (i will stop reading bsd.

Chuuya kills Dazai as a vampire, the curse isn't nullified (FYODOR is the one who sent Chuuya there afterall) and this is when we get Really Angsty: (1) It's obvious that Chuuya and Dazai care for each other on some level, even if you don't ship them. Chuuya would be killing somebody that he cares about, and he would probably blame himself for it. Dazai is somebody that he has known for SEVEN YEARS!! That shit would HURT!! The sheep, flags, all of his subordinates that have died on the field, now Dazai. (2) NOW as for DAZAI!! If I remember correctly, Dazai says something along the lines of "Everything I want I lose" or something like that, right?? Now. Imagine this. Dazai, someone who craves death and constantly tries to commit suicide, dies. OK so what?? No. I think that Dazai very much wants to try and stay alive, it's hinted at multiple times (15 novel, his character song, a much happier life with the ADA in contrast to the mafia, etc.). Let's circle back to what I said earlier, "Everything I want I lose." Dazai goes full circle from wanting to die -> wanting to live -> dying. It hurts and it would prove what Dazai thinks/thought is right!! Everything he wants, he can't have! (Also, cherry on top. He hates pain!! He would be dying a very, very painful death. He even says that he is in a lot of pain in the chapter) OK, ONE AGAIN I DONT THINK CHUUYA OR DAZAI IS DYING!!! im sorry. lets.. focus on the positives!!! Sskk reunion yayyy! (it's also really painful to think about them)

#bsd #bungo gay dogs #bungo stray dogs manga #bungo stray dogs #dazai #chuuya #bungou stray dogs chuuya #soukoku #bsd 107 #bsd manga #im sorry yall

[princeshilo]

oooooooo im. im wavibg my fingers tell me about juno

ooooooo

ooohhhhhh noooooo… ive been hypnotized by your finger wibbling…. i guess i have to talk about hiiimmmm……

@ my fellow players in the d4 campaign DONT READ THIS. none of them actively use tumblr but jic

(LOTS of text under cut)

the first thing i always always always say about him is that he fucking SUCKS. hes the worst man alive i hope he dies im literally obsessed with him. juno infyris is a tiefling celestial warlock :3 his patron god is homebrew that i made myself! basically he grew up in the underdark (gracklstugh to be specific) doing odd jobs to make enough money to leave. since almost all of the underdark is under lolth, he genuinely just didnt. think gods were real. he was an atheist he just thought everyone else was in a cult on something LMFAO once he was old enough he started a little shop of his own selling fake magic items (most of which he stole). like spamton but not actually like spamton at all. now while setting up his window display for candlenights he ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED A DEITY. shes like ohhh brave one you have summoned me….. your wish is my command… i shall aid you in your journeys…. and hes like Uh Um Uhhh Can You Help Me Out. (<- INCREDIBLY UNSPECIFIC THING TO SAY TO A LITERAL GOD.) she takes this and fuckinf runs with it hes now soulbound to this deity thats trying to make him a better person and have him do good deeds and stuff amd he HATES IT. as aforementioned he is the worst fucking guy alive hes greedy and selfish and an all around bastard who literally scams people for a living and now all of a sudden hes forced to be a good person or else god will kill him and its the funniest dynamic ive ever written. anyways he escapes his master and leaves the underdark and meets up with the party etc etc etc BUT i wanna talk more about his life before then. see the underdark is a really shitty fuckinf place to live for like 90% of the population and basically anyone that isnt a drow or duergar. SO. you can imagine his life kind of sucks. he is forever in servitude of at least one master at all times & is FOREVER trying to convince everyone he meets to let him live. he used to have wings, in fact! however when they grew in, his master used him for his wings & made him do a bunch of shady shit for him before cutting them off, not wanting juno to seem too valuable to others and have him stolen. juno currently doesn’t remember ever having wings & is convinced hes just naturally discoordinated and clumsy but in reality he’ll never fully acclimate to living without his wings. for all of the 18 years he lived in gracklstugh he spent every day trying to be good enough so that he wouldn’t be deemed useless and killed. his main tactic for this is flirting. see, he knows he’s fucking annoying, and he’s spent years trying to ‘fix it’, and he just can’t. so if he cant change his personality, he believes his only use is his looks. he’ll flash a charming smile and a kiss on the cheek to the vendor he’s currently robbing, distracting them so that he can steal just enough to get by. he’s fucking pretty, and he knows it, so he uses it to his advantage. he exists as an accessory, something to be used, and believes that’s the entirety of his worth. when he escapes the underdark by killing his master (with the help of angel, another pc in our campaign), he takes his left eye out. the scar changes everything. if he’s not pretty, not appealing enough, then he’s fucking useless. he finally got his chance to escape the underdark and now he’s going to be left to die as soon as he sees the sun for the first time. OBVIOUSLY THIS ISNT WHAT HAPPENS. throughout the campaign, one of the other pcs, rpck (no that’s not a typo his name is rpck) falls in love with him. this shit changes EVERYTHING his entire worldview begins to crumble as he learns he can finally be loved and. Yeaghf. im fucking normal about him. theres ALWAYS more i can say abt him but this is long enough already LMFAO thank u for letting me ramble jack :-)

#d&d #oc tag #d4 campaign #juno infyris #ocs #frog answers

[ajahahahah]

Im gonna be 17 in four days i dont know if i should kill myself or not i have tried to find love for years but my mom was in the military and i dated did everything you should but once you move they are gone specially when you only know em for two years now i barely have any friends i just moved here because my mom wanted to be closer to family and i have no one i really wanna kill myself but i know if i do either i wont exist anymore i wont even comprehend existence i will go to hell cause i know im shitty person or the other ending where you exist but dont i hate myself i hate who ive become i hate what ive done i wanna die for it but no one know anything of what ive done how ive acted how i am who i am im just a husk a lier a non empathetic bastard i hate myself i hate everything i am id take pretty much anyone to date anyone to help me have a single reason not to die but that isnt happening because people who are easy to date quick to break even easier so im here alone in my room unable to sleep permanently thinking wanting to die unable to pick up the rope unable to pick up my knifes unable to change what i did in the past i wanna die because of that i dont know how long im gonna last maybe ill get past college realize my dream job was a sham work as a firewatch realize i cant be alone work as some stripper just for money realize im ugly fat a loser work my quote un quote dream job and wish i was dead everyday unable to find someone to love someone to care for someone who i can hug kiss anything and ill commit truly finally free from the stresses of life i wish i could do that now but i cant im unable to i cant risk it i have two more good years then im dead because after that ill be throw out like my brother hated silently people worried about but not caring enough to check until its too late i know I’m an idiot for writing this but im screaming into a relentless void which no one will ever see so i will use this to post pone my demise a day a year a decade who know next time i write one of these thats how you'll know after im privileged i got hit by two cars can walk im alive my mom is well off so i shouldnt be depressed why should on the surface i have great parents not many family members have died not many direct family have died either so why am i sad i dont know im unable to say when insay i wanna die i dont know why its a mixture my body my social life my hatred towards me not studying and playings game that help short term but long term no i hate that i waste my time doing this i hate my self because all im doing is screaming and accusing and being stupid and annoying angry all i do is complain while i should just accept my death or just keep going till i do

#suiside #kinda depressing #sorry for being depressing #i hate myself sorry #i hate adding tags #but hey here i am

[tmabutlesbian]

i need to study mike crew's character cause i wanna ship him n integrate him in more of my hc's. this is me, reacting to his wiki page.

love that the only thing they say abt mike at the start of his page is that he's an avatar of the vast. like yh no shit

oh damn we have his date of death, i always forget tma is like. very well dated?? like months n days n shit i always forget, i assume its all very. up to interpretation. some of it definitely is. we dont got no bday tho :((( thats kinda sad

mike is: thin, pale, short, has the iconic scar on his neck n back, n has pale eyes. he also smells of ozone. king <3

ok, age 8, boy got hit by lighting, n then because his life might as well get worse, he gets chased around by a spiral avatar (not the distortion, which is always fun seeing other interpretations of the fears outside of the more iconic or reoccurring ones), that tormented him with illusions of storms, poor guy

omfg????? boy became an orphan by 17 cuz he found some corruption leitner n it killed his parents. king moved on tho n right away wanted to search for more, hoping it would help him with his spiral problem. pretty cool. true that i cant remember how he reacted during his statement, the wiki is just here to inform n shit, but hes very practical in a way. parents die because of powerful book. hes being chased by a powerful entity. theres gotta be some book that can help him. smart n practical, might also be a way to like. quickly move on from his parents' death by just. focusing on a goal. he sure is stubborn, so many years still alive whilst being chased by a monster is amazing

ok, 1996, we dont know how old he is, but he finds boneturners tale, tries to remove his scar, doesnt work cuz he's full of fractals ig so he leaves it in some library with some other books. he probs doesnt like his scar for trauma reasons, might also be for insecurity reasons, we all know how cruel children n teenagers can be

1997-98, he found ex altiora after frequenting some library. he bound the spiral creature to the book n devoted himself to the vast. i mean, shit, me too, u go ur whole life being tormented by some monster, some other power kills it, i too would devote myself to it, if anything for the fact that it can provide some type of protection. again, mike's a pratical n smart guy, but he obviously doesnt rly know know a lot abt the fears, hes kinda winging it, which is. very impressive. all that he's learned has been on the fly (not a pun either)

2005, he becomes a stalker, 2006 he keeps doing it n feeds his god of the vast by freaking one of the guys out. this is in paris, which means hes travelling around. probs already used to doing so on the hunt for leitners, he might as well keep going now that he has funky sky powers

2017 he meets our boy jon. scar is still a sensitive issue, which is valid, so he fucks jon up a bit after he offended mike abt it. he gives a statement but then he is killed n buried which is. just sad. he was so iconic

im gonna go down the statements n add anything else of value.

mag 4: page turner: love that the spiral creature is stuck there on the book, with mike's scarring, its kinda cool. also this was in 2012, statement in 2013. im assuming dominic n mike r of the same age since they used to play together, so i was hoping to see some hint abt his age.

also mike smells of ozone constantly probs due to becoming n avatar of the vast, since the book ex altiora also smelled of ozone. interesting.

mag 46: literary heights: mike is a uni student, or at least looks like one. so im gonna assume he was in his 20s?? during 1998. he also keeps his scar hidden.

books on demonology?? does he think the spiral monster is a demon? kinda fair tbh. also what kinda akward situations arose from mike having to run away from the spiral thingie everytime he smelled the ozone? did he leave in the middle of multiple classes?? did it catch him mid piss one time?? actually what if he was in the bathroom chilling n smelled ozone?? wtf do u do???

ok, mike being a bit of a hermit n staying inside his home for weeks, bunch of latin shit around him, probs from the demonology books. he stole ex altiora n then fled not after herbert found him but when the creature found him n he ran, with herbert giving chase.

mike performs some ritual with latin to bind the creature to the book in exchange for his devotion to the vast. he throws himself out the window with the creature following behind. jon believes the mike was using the book to protect or ward him, which yh seems like it.

ah ok the spiral thing is the lichtenberg figure which is what gives mike his scars ig. interesting how smth so related to the vast can actually be from the spiral depending on what it does n means, with the illusions of storms n what not. we always assume anything sky related is vast but here lighting is very much spiral. thats cool.

mag 75: a long way down: mike is described as a short young man. event happened during 2006, so rly it depends on what young man means for the statement giver. if in 1998 he was in his 20's, in 2006 hes around 28 years old, maybe. hes also wearing a grey faded suit so 1) not much for colors huh n 2) wears shit until they break, same

mike feeding the vast in a pretty chill way, probs very happy to be free of torment n also have cool fear powers. he does seem bored so it could be more of a chore for him than anything else, mike just wants to live basically. also pre leitner mike must be different from post leinter mike, since jon notes ppl change after using leitners. so theres also that. the loss of ur humanity might also do that to u but idk

mag 89: twice as bright: jude is in her 50s!! didnt know that.

mike hangs around with the fairchilds, which is just jude's way of saying hes from the vast. id assume mike wouldnt hang out with them, just feel like hes used to dealing with things alone. also he is closer to jon's lot than hers, which could mean several things. i guess mike did search for knowledge everywhere for a while, even if it was all for survival n not for a need to know.

mag 91: the coming storm: love how jon goes to meet mike n he offers him tea, which means they r at mike's house, he has a home. with tea in it. i wonder if hes good at making it or not. mike likes his privacy n also that jon should learn how to respect others, which tbh just feels like he is older than jon which yh, if this is 2017 n if in 2006 he was around 28, he is around 39, maybe.

theres no lasting damage from his lighting incident the doctors say, except the trauma i guess. "Lichtenberg figures are fractals and while he could not see them, his fingers could feel them on his skin. When he felt them in the dark they went on and on" now thats pretty interesting, no wonder he didnt like his scars much if they felt all weird n funky like that.

i just googled them n see this: "Lichtenberg figures are fern-like patterns that may appear on the skin of lightning strike victims and typically disappear in 24 hours." thats not what happened to out boy!! might been because it was a supernatural thing tho so yh. wonder if his doctors freaked out a bit, also wonder what kind of treatment he got from his unusual scarring. but i also think this might happen, but its rare.

after touching his scars, the spiral thing started chasing him. it tricked him by making him think a storm was always coming, n it never hurt him but it always terrified him, which is fair cuz i mean wtf

ohhh very much avatar of the spiral with the corridors, making him dream of endless lighting corridors. then he woke up, went to his small garden at the back, n he saw an endless dark forest, the branches reached down from the sky n there was a strong smell of ozone. its interesting how this is an avatar of the spiral but its so laden with the vast.

after parents die he understands theres more to the supernatural n starts exploring. "The creature that followed him was a branch of the Twisting Deceit, which had, perhaps foolishly, taken a form from the sky" interestinggggg so the entities can take forms of things related to other entities, this is so cool!!

"he faintly remembers feeling resigned and desperate, though he cannot understand these feelings now" hmm so post leitner n post becoming an avatar he doesnt remember why he felt resigned before doing so, but like, ure giving up ur humanity n shit, n mike did it cuz he wanted to live in peace, like ofc. its like choosing the lesser evil n shit.

he has killed multiple ppl since he says its hard to keep track, but also i feel like his memory is not the best, considering he cant remember the night he became an avatar correctly.

can be punched n killed pretty humanly so theres that as well. might also be because daisy is from the hunt tho.

thats all i have, this was kinda cool. my boy mike <3<3

#tma #the magnus archives #mike crew #tma mike crew #tmalesbeen talks

[xenaventz]

I cant live without him i cant live without him i cant live without him if he kills himself im kiiling myself. im not living without him. we are gonna fucking die together bitch. im not living after that. i refuse to live without him. i cant imagine it i cant do it i dont fucking want to think it. im so done. i love him so fucking much. people are like "hes just a friend" dude having a friend with bpd is a fucking ride or die. and for me to him, its a ride or die. he lives, ill stay alive for him in my hardest times. he dies, im slitting my throat. idc if this sounds fucking stupid or edgy or cringe this is how i fucking feel and im not fucking joking. i dont need more lore. i dont need more trauma. i wasnt fucking joking. next time something really bad happens to me, which it will, im fucking killing myself. im about to collapse. i literally dont wanna be alive.

#bpd fp #bpd #bpd vent #vent #borderline personality disorder #borderline pd #personality disorder #fp #tw sui ideation

[veggiefritters]

warning vent i guess.

i should not really be here. as is, alive on this here earth. and im in considerable pain right now, too. dude idek what to say i just feel sick at this point. theres too much going through my head and i think a lot if its anger. i fotta stop taking it out on myself, but what else would i take it out on? the pillows? they have feelings man... i dont. thats a fucking lie i clearly do they just dont matter.

tell me a single news article you've read about a teenager who killed themself. better yet, one where theyre honest about what happened and also dont deadname the child. i don't know why im thinking about this i really do but it makes me so sad. just knowing that realistically, even in death, nobody would really pay attention to me! it'll be about everyone else.

guess you cant hold a funeral if you dont have a body, though. throws up in my mouth. i dont want to be found. dead or alive. wanna just skedaddle. its not that i want to die, i just dont want to live how i am. and how i m is pretty bad.

if i make it look like an accident i can get on the 6 o'clock news, i reckon!!! what will i do, fall on the train tracks? but i wont, and you know why?

because im too big a pussy.

also, who would tuck in my teddies? who would buy the creepy looking dolls neglected at op shops? i dunno. if thats my only purpose, thats okay, i guess.

would appreciate some free money though.

not the point. im no Snowball. more like that one sheep. please, tell me that hasnt gone over your head... That's okay though. im silly joyous and whimsical. im not silently crying from how tired i am. im not bleeding profusely or anything. im great lmao.

im so tired from just existing. let me sleep for 48 hours straight.

#tw sh implied #tw sui ideation

[plantwreastler]

Background: you and könig have been warbuddies for a couple of years but never really Seem to get along, for personal reasons. But it must not get in the way of the mission

You Got send on a mission with könig first thing in the morning, and youre tired yawns doesnt exactly make könig feel more energetic.

As you walk thru the small landmines trying not to die, “why are you so mad Big boy?” You ask, hes been pissy all morning, normaly hes Nice, he still is he just Seems more annoyed than usually. “Why does that matter birdy?” He says tilting his head to the side looking into youre eyes. “No reason, just tryna` make a conversationl” you say with a smirk “good for you”

Youre getting tried of his smart ass comments and kinda pissed that you dont know where theyre coming from, “CAREFUL! youre gonna get both of us killed, idiot!” You say trying to get the mountain of a man to listen to you, “no need to worry birdy, i know what im doing, afterall, ive been here longer than you” he smirks and keeps walking carelessly thru the bomb full field

“Im getting tried of this crap könig!” You try walking youre own way but he graps youre waist, and pulls you over his shoulder as if you weight nothing. “I dont Care how annoying you are, im a man of my words and im gonna protect you no matter if you like it or not”

You try wiggling youre way out of his tight grip, but he graps the thigh strap pulling you Down into his arms, no matter how hard you try you cant get free now, his grip tighten everytime you try, “i Can walk for myself, just put me Down!” You say in a bitter Barking tone “i know, but youre walking the wrong way, remember 5 minuts ago when you tried leaving me?” He says grinning his at you as he smirks. “Besides you lost youre bet, youre ass is mine, and Were going my way” he says as he keeps walking thru the dead land “lets make a new bet then?”

He looks Down at you clearly annoyed “and what if i say no huh?” “Then you just lost a great deal” you say with a provoking smile, “this is the millitary not a TV commercial” he says in a pissy voice “well, how about this? We do this mission youre way, and if anything goes wrong, Then im the boss from now on, and if i lose, then you Can do whatever you want to me” you say looking up at the Big man carrying you, clearly having many thoghts in his head

He smirks at the offer, thinking about how youre hips would look so small in his hands, hearing youre name as he pounds you, like its his last Day alive. “I Can almost see youre thoghts, you naughty man” you say teasingly “Bet” he says in a calm voice, giving you a smirk letting you know that he already has many things on his mind, and you start getting nervouse, thinking about what he might do to you, he is twice youre size, and could kill you any moment if he wanted.

“But, if you make my plan go wrong, i still win the Bet birdy, so dont pull any crap” he says as he tighten the grip on youre thigh

And you just focus on the mission, annoyingly enough, he won, he won the Bet and youre starting to regeret youre desision, hopeing he forgot all about youre Bet. Later the next Day, he walks into youre Room, opening the door, resting against the frame, and tilting his head slightly to the side, “wanna go for a walk? You have a promise to be hold” youre face turn red and you look flusterd which only makes his grin even bigger.

You walk for a While, and you get impatiant “just get it over with!” You say annoyed “oh no birdy, i want you to enjoy youreself, no ones around.. and you Can scream as loud as you need to” he places his hands on youre hips slowly kissing youre neak, “and we both know that youre only Being an asshole because youre in love, and try to hide it, so you get over it faster” he says as he buttons up youre shirt Nice and slow, “ and so what if its true? Its not a place for a love story handsome, you know that”

“Oh i do but we Can still have some fun eh?” You turn red and flusterd, sometimes you wish you never Got to know him so he could stay his normal shy self and not this flirty tall man, he picks you up as he takes off youre bra leaving hickys all the way Down. You make small moans, he truely is a pleaser and seems to enjoy every little Sound you make.

He takes his throbing hard cock out, you know you want it, and youre getting nervouse as youre laying there with youre legs over his folded thighs, making youre legs spread, and the way both og his hands are on each side of youre head, makes it easy to know whos gonna be in charge, his fingers is sliding up and Down youre clit and youre slightly moaning, he looks deep into youre eyes, ad he watches hoe you enjoy youreself.

“Beg for it birdy” you look flusterd into his Big eyes, and you see his smirk, his fingers is going faster and you just want him inside of you, youre hands are wrapped around his neak. “Beg birdy, you know you want it, i Can pull away any minut” he says teasing you “i want it, i want you inside of me” he grins and he goes inside, thrusting in and out in a fast tempo already from start, and making you moan, “thats not my name y/n” i Can stop, its a punishment afterall, unless you like it?” He says smirking Big at you.

“K-könig” you stutter from the bumps youre body makes as he humps you hard “yes” he says flirtingly, clearly enjoying seeing you on the bottom begging for him like that. “What is it meine leibeling? Ask and you shall recive~ im here to please” you make eye Contact “ its three Words love, i know you Can do it~ for me?”as he teasingly slows Down, very slowly pulling out “i want you!” You yell out knowimg thats what he wanted to hear, you wanted to be fucked stupid and ripped apart by him, to feel his touch, to taste him, to please him. To satisfy him.

He smirked Big at youre words, and fast went inside again, going fast, making youre breast bounce at every move, “youre doing so good” he says, clearly enjoying you Being submissive, jumping at every thrust me makes, “k- königgg, ah. Im gonna cu-“ you scream moaning you came, as he keeps thrusting like a animal in heat “not so Big with youre words now huh?” He gives no breaks, enjoying youre sounds, and you screaming his name, While he rubs youre clit fast and firm, While thrusting fast, youre legs start to Shake, and you try to close Them to get a break, but he just goes harder, making sure you cant, and you Can see by the look on his face that he knows what hes doing

He came all over you, and you slowly take youre legs back, but he pulls you back Down by the back of youre knees “where do you thing youre going leibe?” Going inside of you again, where he keeps edging you, and sucking youre neak purple, “coen on baby, moan for me, you Can scream my name all you need to” he says resting his hand on youre throat slowly gripping tighter, as he forces you to look into his eyes While you cum

When he finally is done, with a sex drive that seems to never end, he gives you a sloppy kiss, making sure you know that he truely loves you, you melt into his arms as he collapses onto you, he could go for longer if he wanted to, but youre legs are shaking, and still wrapped around him. “Leibe? Can you walk?” He asked looking concerned, wondering if he was too tough. You try To stand but you end up Being carryed by him.

As soon as you Got back to the base, he walks to his Room, and lays you on his bed. Giving you a sloppy wet kiss as he crawls on top of you, Holding youre chip up “ice leibe dich” (i love you) he says as he slowly lays Down next to you, spoling you, as you bury youre head in his still warm cheast. Laying one of youre legs between his as he holds youre thigh, kissing you on the forehead til you Fall asleep

#könig fanfiction #könig x y/n #könig smut #könig modern warfare #modern warfare smut #könig cod #call of duty #cod #fanfic

[chappellrroan]

fave Gracie Abrams songs and albums and lyrics?

her minor ep is my favourite personally because that's how i got to know her and became a fan, as for songs two people, i know it won't work, will you cry?, right now, block me out, 21, friend, i miss you i'm sorry, unlearn, brush fire, mean it, stay, mess it up, for real this time, camden are my all time fav from her released songs.

as for lyrics there are two aspects that depends on determining if i love them, for example in i know it won't work, i love how she sings "it won't work like that, huh?" but lyrically i like "i am your ghost now your house is haunted" so you can guess. anyways i will give my fav lyrics from my fav songs now <3

two people - "i loved you so hard for a time i've tried to ration it all my life, we could go yellow to black overnight i take you for granted because you're mine" (it's long but yes yes this) ALSO "cause you know everything that could kill me"

already mentioned for i know it won't work

will you cry? - "now you walk through me with my heart heavy breaking my reverie i could die early with your arms around me would it not kill to say goodbye?" AND "it's kinda funny how it goes from all to nothing you have to laugh before you start to cry"

right now - "and i ended a friendship on the day that i left and though i really meant it, it still makes me upset" (OUCH TOO REAL)

block me out - "i think i am burning alive but nobody sees the fire cause when i open my mouth i seem to be stuck in silence" AND "plus after all this time i should be a pretty crier"

21 - "i see the look in your eye and i'm biting my tongue, you'd be the love of my life when i was young" and "i get a little bit alone and sometimes i miss you again, i'll be the love of your life inside your head"

friend - "and i hate the way you love and i hate that i still care funny how you feel like we could ever talk again, how could you ever think i'd be your friend?" (applies to SO many people atp this is my lifesong)

i miss you i'm sorry - "thought you'd hate me instead you called in, said i miss you, i caught it" and the whole bridge honestly because NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE WAY I WANTED EVERY CORNER OF THIS IS HAUNTED AND I KNOW YOU SAID WE'RE NOT TALKING BUT I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANNA GO THINK I WILL MAKE IT WORSE EVERYWHERE I GO LEADS ME BACK TO US (i am very passionate about this song sorry)

unlearn - "i keep bringing all my problems to a pillow fight" and "cause if i'm gonna learn how to love you i need to unlearn how to love too need to unlearn when it feels right OH MY GOD I AM TRYING"

brush fire - "then we become a brush fire, burning all the pain HOW CAN WE SURVIVE A DESERT WITHOUT RAIN?" and "boy you know what to say before i turn away you words hit me like a hard rain in L.A"

mean it - "holding onto thin lines until we just walk between them, getting so loud i can't pretend that i dont hear them, maybe that thing you said under your breath you mean it, i know you mean it"

stay - the whole chorus honestly because COULD YOU HOLD ME WITHOUT ANY TALKING? WE COULD TRY TO GO BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY BUT IF I WOKE UP WITH YOU IN THE MORNING I'D FORGET ALL THE WAYS WE'RE BROKEN I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE CHANGED I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY

mess it up - "heard that you're happier hope you're sleeping well knowing i'm not, i am doing too much" and "and everytime i get too close i just go mess it up" AND "i keep thinking maybe if you let me back in we can make it better breaking every habit pull myself together you can watch it happen make it happen" (the mv has very special space in my heart btw)

for real this time - "a thousand times i got up to say goodbye i could be wrong but i think i'm for real this time"

camden - "self diagnosing till i'm borderline i will do whatever helps to sleep at night" and "somebody take over drive somebody notice how i'm trying" and "all of me, a wound to close but i leave the whole thing open i just wanted you to know i was never good at coping" (one of the best bridges ever)

#did i have to write all of this? nope. but did it feel good? hell yes i hope you like it anon also thank you for giving me a chance to talk #about her music all at once #mailbox💌 #gracie abrams #mine

[boomhealers]

what about the male companions (or at least deacon, mac, and danse) getting dragged out into the glowing sea with sole to find Virgil, but sole is horrible at using their map and the companion is starting to get radiation sickness but sole hasn’t even noticed

I love this an extreme amount because you are describing my exact experience with this perfectly WYAGWCWYSVWGSC (seriously though i smiled so much when i saw this in my inbox!!!!)

Fallout 4 Men Companions React To Sole Getting Lost In The Glowing Sea While They All Get Radiation Sickness That Sole Ignores

Deacon

“Hey uh I think your pipboy’s upside down or something. Mind if I take a look? You know, before we turn into fleshy glowsticks?” He wants to be polite so bad since Sole does this kind of thing a LOT but they were supposed to find virgil and its been three hours and Sole is still lost. Deacon jokes a bit during the first hour but by hour 4 he’s like Give me your pipboy now :).

Nick

Oh god he knows that look on Sole’s face. The “don’t worry I got this dont interrupt me” look. Happened on the trip to goodneighbor and it’s happening here. Nick knows that he will be fine but Sole??? Brother in christ this is the glowing sea now is not the time!!!! By hour two Nick sighs and says,”Oh give me that!” And yoinks their arm to look at the map. Sole is absolutely not allowed to walk ahead and if they even think about it Nick gives them a disapproving look which mentally kills them because disappointing Nick Valentine hurts more than 23 stab wounds.

Danse

Every time Sole insists they lead the way anywhere, Danse dies a bit on the inside. He wants to respect them but by god he is dying so much on the inside. Thankfully they both have power armor but its hour 6 and they’re still not there and power armor can’t save them forever. Danse looks them in the eye and says something like,”I Respect You. I Really Do However We Are Going To Die If You Don’t Give Me The Map.” Nothing but the sound of Sole’s shameful power armor THUMPTHUMPTHUMP and Danse’s cool power armor THUMPTHUMPTHUMP is heard until they reach Virgil.

Preston

The map expert. After all, he’s always marking settlements on your map(i couldn’t help myself its too perfect for this sorry). Ok but Preston would know a lot about cartography actually. He’d spend his free time making maps himself and they’re super nice looking. When this quest comes, he lets Sole take the map because they asked nicely. However he did not know that Sole gets lost super easily and also cannot read a map(Preston was always the one holding them and leading the way after all). Preston so desperately is trying to give them hints on how to properly read it but Sole is not picking up at all. Makes a few stern but polite comments about the radiation. Eventually he awkwardly goes “hahahahaha you wanna learn how to read a map? right now? please” and tells Sole how to read it as he’s leading the way.

Maccready

He was already not thrilled by the idea of coming here given the. You know. Radiation and horrors. Sole was super excited oddly enough. They fucking LOVED exploration even if they couldn’t read maps for shit. However this isn’t some random field in the commonwealth this is the glowing sea. Maccready would firmly tell Sole that “Look, I know you’re excited and whatever but try not to wander too far off the trail. It’s just…very dangerous in the glowing sea and I think it would be best to get in and out as fast as we can. Trust me. Anyways, that was all I wanted to say. Lead the way.” He wants to be nice about it because Sole is his best friend/and or partner but he prefers his best friend/and or partner very alive and not dead from radiation poisoning. After 15 minutes he takes the map and starts leading them. He is not patient wyetwfwtsgacwg

Codsworth

Oh he is so patient about the whole ordeal. He suggested they take a lot of extra rad-x and radaway before they went into the glowing sea (he offered to carry it all too). He knows Sole is really bad at reading maps and whatnot (Sole has gotten lost at the park pre war so much. The amount of times he found Sole in increasingly bizarre places due to this…). Codsworth gently taps their shoulder every so often, offering even more radaway and rad-x. Occasionally he’ll make comments about how he’s General Atomics Finest(tm) and how he is really good at navigating terrain and reading maps. Eventually Sole does admit they’re lost (probably around hour 10) and lets Codsworth lead the way.

Hancock

Hancock loves taking in the scenery alongside a nice bath of radiation as much as the next guy but uhhhh he is very worried about Sole by the first hour. Are they. Are they okay??? They’re glowing a bit uhhhh he should stop them. Says something like “Hey [nickname] why don’t ya let me lead the way, yeah? Just kick back and stroll while I do all the work.”

Strong

He looks at Sole like what the FUCK are they doing. Human glow, no sight of cave. Strong lead way. Human is bad at navigating terrain!

Bonus:

Gage

Gage stares straight into Sole’s face like,”Boss, we’ve both seen some shit but I’m going to shoot you in the head if you think I’m just gonna stand here twiddling my thumbs while we get fuckin microwaved by the earth. Give me the damn map.”

#requests #fallout #fo4 #fallout 4 #fallout companions react #fallout companions #companions react