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justallihere · 3 days

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i'm going insane bc i was away for the weekend and left my phone alone (god bless) and came back to a whole chapter PLUS love declaration PLUS forehead kiss ?? omg.....

Mira is not letting Xaden rest like ever, I do wonder what Violet told her while Xaden was prepping her bath tho.

“Not if it bothers you, they can’t,” said Xaden. “I’ll make sure they keep it away from you.”

oh he wants violet to be comfortable so baaaad he's the embodiment of "is the sun bothering you queen" and im so here for it.

i'm totally fine and sane over xaden washing violet's hair im not kicking my feet or anything and im definetely not crying over how soft they are and how much trust must violet have on him bc she's letting him touch her hair after it being threatned to be cut.

forehead touches are my faaaav so u can imagine how well fed i am after this chapter and for that i say thank you alli *dramatically bows*

Xaden not wanting her to feel like she wasnt love so he just declares himself to her had me weak, like it could've been this grand gesture but nothing between them has ever been planned or expected so he just winged it and it was perfectly what she needed. talk about soulmates !!

when u told us the declaration was gonna hurt i didnt have this imagined in my mind but im so glad it happened this way and not the way i thought it was gonna happen. it was so bittersweet !!

ALSO she def knows she loves him shes just not ready to admit it bc in no way in hell would she ask him to say after he declared himself if she didnt know she also felt something

also the way they first slept i know xaden neck was complaining

also violet reminded me of a cat who always try to get closer in their sleep. she just wants to cuddle !! and shes so real for that

Rhiannon is truly a bestie!! not her terrorrizing the love interest we love a ride or die bestie, even if sometimes she's unresonable

“You whisked her away before anyone could check on her.”

bestie there was not one single part of her that wasnt broken what was the man supposed to do *cries* but i do understand her stress

SLOANE MAIRI !!! not her calling the king of tyrrendor her brother i love that for her !! she's a princess so true. also i looove xaden and liam's talk it wasnt too cheesy bc tbh they dont operate like that but it was so genuine !!

can the guards chill !!

Garrick is just like me!! i too love gossip and will put my hands on it as soon as i can. but garrick its been like 12 hours wait a little longer or violet herself will call u out again. but also not garrick begging xaden no rule to country and he's just like "no <3" love that for him his wife just got back running a country is very far from his mind.

“Is that what you told her to do?” Rhiannon raised an eyebrow. “Get over it?” “No, but you’re not her, are you?”

He's so ??!!

the development of violet a few chapters ago being like "he didnt hold me while we slept bc there had been no excuses for it in Aretia" to now being like "im gonna curl into your arms so hard you'll never escape" and honestly good for them !!

anywayyyy i LOVED this chapter

lol a lot happened this weekend, welcome back!!!

Xaden’s literal one and only concern is Violet and her comfort, fuck everything else. I’m totally not fine and sane about the hair washing so I guess we balance each other out 🫶🏻

They are very much soulmates!! Xaden didn’t plan to fall in love with her, of course he didn’t plan some grand declaration of it either, we’re just going with what feels right. Violet is a grumpy little kitten yes you’re right

Rhiannon is stressed as hell, like give her best friend back RIORSON where is she

Garrick needs both gossip and for Xaden to do his job and he’s getting neither of those things! Too bad so sad!

Thank you!!!! 🩷

#storm in the quiet

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thehardkandy · 15 days

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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove

#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy #(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly #for an hour #always felt like such s draining burden #and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself #as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day #i did sports i went hiking in forests #but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things #because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence #despite being something that i actively enjoyed #and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely #like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back #around to shame or guilt just about always #anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person #ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days #and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge #to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen #even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen #but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note #crazy how complicated it can be to be a person #it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house #and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your #but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime #but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller

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pezpenser205 · 17 days

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3am monday morning mood

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l-cereta · 1 year

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oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk

#ive never been this drunk before this is crazy. the gender euphoria of not having any tolerance despite being able to drink 4 drinks a year #ago #like its that or someone Did something to this drink but it was from a housemate's stash. oh my god i wanted more of this im so glad im in #bed rn i could have made so many bad decisions #im like this close to posting one of the thirst(?) pics i took on my sideblog that i havent touched in a month #oh my god im fucking up so many words . gang im not pretending here i drank like 2 shots tops and its Fucking me somehow #WAIT I CAN EDIT TAGS #typos fixed :sunglasses:#genuinely crazy how much im feeling it tho ive literally Never felt it this much. id ask if ibuprofen or spiro interact w alcohol but i #think there was a decent amount of time between when i took both #yeah like i took spiro ~10:57 and then uh drank after. 11 hm ok this isnt as spaced out as i expected #i dont think im going to alcohol jail tho. im being responsible im In Bed im not gonna go do anything stupid (altho i do. want to ask #someone downstairs to do something stupid. but maybe thats the alcohol talking)#also shileas is downstairs and shes a bitch and i dont want to be cringy in front of her #i dont know if shes trans or just a really masc lesbian btw . shes cool but she also has some bad takes sometimes and i dont think she #likes me #im writng so many tags <3 but thats what love is. if anyones read this far idk like the post or something #you know the one post where the person puts an egg in their mouth. and then people share the tags. this is that #i was gonna be typing this out on a discord server but i thought no. this deserves to have everyone see it #man also if i went down and asked like if anyone wants to fuck like who would say yes . shileas is a super senior maeve is in a relationshi #p #i dont like riley and . man idk about griffin. but i think im a lesbian. maybe im just desperate.#bUT IM NOT GONNA. im not gonna.#i dont want to sleep tho i want to have fun :(( but my roommate is asleep #& its not like anyones gonna fuck me on this bed . with like my lovies (thats what i call my stuffed animals) and shit .#i genuinely didnt expect that i could get this drunk and whats crazy is i know i could be more drunk #can u imagine if someone reads this and goes 'well shes clearly sober and faking it' no </3 im simply very eloquent i was neglected as #a child so i read alot lol #whoops *a lot not alot #wasnt there a limit of like 26 tags. when do i hit that

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toastsnaffler · 7 months

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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao #a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head #sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so #i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet #at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me #location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take #measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring #at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which #was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im #just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for #and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do #something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move #like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which #would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data #processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for #vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to #without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding?#idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and #that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it?#anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so #when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok #but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we #just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece #pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked #hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done #unrelated

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dream-launch · 1 year

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How come when people talk about like tryna support people who are in a very rough place mentally they always give the usual you're not alone I'm there for you but never actually make any effort to be there - no reaching out, no desire to even wanna talk - like it's just bullshitting cause they know it would sound too obviously mean to be like oh your not okay? Well too bad don't bother me with that shit I don't care enough about you.

#like i know there are people ive spoke to who put on the fake like youre not alone i care im here dont be sad #but if i reached out this minute being like hey i am very much not okay #they be liek ha yeah we all got problems pls dont complain to me cause then ill feel bad too and thats not fair on me boohoo #and like yeah im not tryna be a burden #but dont fucking lie to me and say your gonna be there when your not #if i am falling apart and wanna vent dont claim your okay with that and then get annoyed when i do #its like they never give a fuck #we only ever talk when they wanna and they never guve a fuck about anything i have to say anyway #its just straight onto whats going on in their lives #which especially sucks cause like their is literally never anything good going on in my life #like the only remotely positive things i have to talk about is the media i consume which they especially dont care about #like nothing actually good ever happens in my life #i have bad shit happening or nothing #and the nothing is usually just cause i havent spoke to anyone in person in over a week and im super lonely #this does not apply to people i speak to online cause i know yall cant help living in different countries #it would just be nice to have something in my life who genuinely cared about me and wanted to listen to me #and i dont think thats selfish to want cause i know if there was someone who cared that much about me id be obsessed with them #so it would be mutual

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hairydykecunt · 26 days

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once my friend said that sometimes it seems like i don’t want a girlfriend and just want to be some girls pet and like. yeah okay sure, but is that really all people see in me. is that what they think i’m only capable of? i want to give so much, i want to fill them with so much love and make them feel safe and loved and adored. i Do want to do more than just be a pet, i want to be a Provider, i want to take care.

#kitty talks #maybe that is animal behaviour. maybe i jsut wanna be a guard dog. idk. i just feel weird #it sucks but i cant see myself in a relationship and idk if its cause im insecure but the thought of someone chosing me and staying is. fake #and i think everyone can tell too. i think thats it. thats the thing that makes ppl stay back #sometimes i think ny autistic brain and its facination with shows fucked me over bc i love the idea of grand gestures.#i want a grand gesture that wipes away every little doubt ive ever had snd that makes me think Fuck why was i so riddled in worry #anything in oublic would embarrass me. id be shy. but id still gush. idk. i want personal thiught out expressions of love #man im high and just cant stop thinking. im just so lost. i dont even know how to feel. it feels weird reverting back to highschool +#mentality but Nothibg is ever rnkugh and will never be enkigh and ill always keep asking for more snd more no matter what till i break them #gonna attempt to put an experienced adult point of view on it tho and say that i think nothing will evrr be enoigh for anyone #but that whatever is there is good and it will stay good snd if it gors something else will be good. the world is so fucking shitty to us #but i will still love despite it. people will still love me #i will get a girlfriend some day. or not. and itll fill me up. or be bad for me. i just need to take csre of myself snd my loved ones #and i can live on that. i guess. idk. bye

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29121996 · 2 months

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#soo close to breaking down and just beibg like #well i cant do this !!! i dont want to be away from you i dont want to have yo find someone else. i jsut want you #and im so scared of how thatd be taken n i dont wanna be . shut out again.#like . im supposed to just yrust this and trust thst its gappening even if i sont ubderstand whats goijg on #but my fear is slightly stronger than my ability to just Trust myself and the universe.#i want this so bad n ive never eanted ANYTHING as badly as i want . to work it out with him.#like yhats so unsettling ??? im just . i dont know how to proceed #esp not after that fucking messagw like . how do i respond to thst !!!! what am i supposed to say !!!!#like shit dawg . i CANT move on. uoure so deeply dug into me and what i want that i . am Struggling to like . even fathom the idea #of anyone else bc wjy would i . why would i find someone else wjen i had and found all i wanted. please tell me #youre coming back to me . please tell mw that youre not . going to let me go bc i cant lwt u go !!!! i tried so hard !!!! to do that !!!#and i couldnt !!!! i knew almost insta tly that i wanted him forever . n i know iy now more thsn ever thats what i want #. god . what the fuck do i do #im not supoosed to do anything !! im jus supposed to . trust that this is gonna work out anf that . it will haooen #even if i dont see it or understsnd it . n that rlly is the hars part bc oh my god i wanna throw in tje towel and die .#ive tried so hard to get over this and get over him but i literally cant. and just Livinf with this feeling is awful.#esp bc how my brain works like . atp i need a cold hars rejection to lessen my grip on it and to . move away from it #fuck. idk what to fucking do any.ore i am . abt to break and crack and . just tell him i miss him too much to keep doing this.#ive reread that message 293939 times sincs i recoeved it. its not hslping me in any shape or form!#it just has to work out. it has to .

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be-good-to-bugs · 5 months

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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel

#the bin #shes also the only normal person in my family #and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way #cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default #idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right #i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies #and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice #i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but #i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly #ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now #if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse #i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not #and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad #i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be #the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me #idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be #it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible #idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone #cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way

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snekdood · 1 year

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i kinda feel like so long as someone like me isn’t accepted as a part of the queer community that none of us will ever be able to work together for our rights

#so long as im not 'good enough'. in whatever way that means to you. im p sure none of us will be accepted lol #idk what it is about me. im too mentally ill? too taboo? too outspoken about my beliefs??#i dont feel like i operate really a whole lot different than other people on here i just have different interests and shit idk #but like. bc im such a low hanging fruit. bc im so easy to demonize. bc i look like a disney villain lol . as long as im not accepted #in all my sexy devilish ways #idk if any of us will.#idc if you think i give queer people a bad look bc of how much i embrace the things conservatives hate about us #bc like this is just me dude. im just being myself up here. sure i do a lil jokey trickstery stuff here n there but yknow #idk what ppl want from me. truly #like seriously if anyone can let me know what i did that was so wrong. id love to know #bc rn my suspicion is its just the terfs who are malding. but could be my abuser too. idk #they have way less people on their side though than like terfs do on the whole so thats why im leaning more toward it being the terfs #considering they have a whole. terf army apparently lol.#im not saying its just me but when yall decide certain people arent good enough or dont fit your hashtag aesthetic enough to be #part of the community then we're always going to lose. you cant just decide for queer people whether or not they have a place in thel #community. bc if you can just pick and choose who you want to be in it then its not even a community anymore or a movement or anything #its literally just a fucking clique and theres no way clique behavior is ever gonna inspire anyone to want to support us #and thats #aside from setting up a hierarchy of whats desireable in a person and what makes them Good Enough to be in the community #bc that shit is also going to make people decide to sort us by a similar standard. so long as all of us aren't accepted none of us will be

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fleshdyke · 1 year

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shjsjegdbjdr

#going into this im not even totally sure what im gonna end up talking abt so tw for like everything. sui sh csa etc #i have dreams and things i want to do with my life and i dont want to die but i dont know how to handle emotions like this #so my first response has always just been suicide attempt #its so stupid what im upset about but like. idk. i cant get it out of my brain.#its literally just bc my friends are sort of drifting apart from me at lunch. its just that. and it seems so stupid and small to say but i #feel like ending my entire life over this so idk #like im so fucking scared of being alone at lunch. im so scared of being alone. and i tried talking to them about it and i know they have #good intentions but they said ‘we all have other friends and we aren’t each other’s main friends anymore and that’s okay’#and like. i don’t. i don’t have anyone else to go to #and they basically said it wasn’t their problem. and they didn’t say that verbatim and i’m making them sound so much worse than they are and #i love them all but thats essentially what it felt like to me #and i dont want to bring it up again bc theyve dealt with my shit enough and im mature enough to deal with my own problems #it just. it feels so awful being so fucking alone. i had an actual friend group for a while and my meds were working andi forgot how fucking #bad everything feels. im so paranoid theyre going to drop me and then i don’t know what to do #if they drop me i seriously think i might try to kill myself because i don’t fucking know what to do without them #like it feels like its only a matter of time and i know its not the end of the world but it feels like it. it really fucking feels like it #i feel so inherently unwanted and i know ive said this like a million times over but the only time anyone has ever wanted me was when i was #like 6. and i cant even fucking remember it. like every cis girl is like ‘universal woman experience of being chased by boys you dont want #in elementary school’ and its like. its not universal i would give absolutely anything for that to happen to me bc i know logically that’s #awful and i dont actually want it but god it hurts so fucking much to be unwanted. no one has ever wanted me once. and it scares me that i #want some man to want me so badly he just takes it and i don’t actually want that but it would reassure me that im not broken #and i know its unrealistic to expect to be in a relationship in hs but all of my friends are and it just feels like what the fuck is wrong w #me that no one has ever looked twice other than to bully me. what can i do to change it. will i ever be wanted #everyone i know has someone that loves them unconditionally and not even like romantically like everyone has a best friend at least #but im just so fucking alone. i dont want to be alone forever. i dont know what to do #i dont know how to handle these emotions so i just want to kill myself about it #but i dont actually want to die so i just sit there and cut my arms and hope that someone will ask if i’m okay bc there’s no way i’m #going to volunteer this shit to someone who didnt ask #rambles #vent

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yamikawas · 1 year

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i will always love you, no matter what you go through. i love you so so much <3

- yoomtah !

AAAAAAAAAJDHDHHFJDJFKD YOOMIE MY BELOVED ;///;........................THANK U I'LL ALWAYS LOVE U TOO OK ILL BE WITH U FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER NO MATTER HOW MY BRAIN GETS U ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER I LOVE U SO MUCH MY YOOMIE<3<3<3<3<33<33333<<3<<33<3<3<33<3<33<3<3<3<3