#i dont want to be so broken anymore

[dailydegurechaff]

ive been thinking about one of my fics/aus lately, so naturally i started drawing and writing about them again.

presented with bare minimum context: two members of the von Lergen family + something extra

#bonus doodle #youjo senki #the saga of tanya the evil #tanya von degurechaff #papa erich au #erich von rerugen #erich von lergen #lergen #zettour gets himself fired successfully after losing the war and sets up erich to be promoted to his place #“because he wants the empire's army to still have a good leader even in its broken state?” you ask #ah no. because he wants erich to have the salary raise so he'll have more resources to take care of tanya #lets be honest i really have no idea how the rankings on the collar and shoulder work #i just based it on a screenshot of zettour's uniform from the anime #what else was i going to comment on #OH THE CREST #i did some bare minimum googling of symbolism but im not sure about its accuracy #i just wanted it to look cool ok #and i realize yeah they probably dont use those crests anymore in the 1920-30s but HUSH its for the sake of STORY #ok bye <3

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[nerime]

i hate!!!! making big purchases!!! i have anxiety n i am perpetually broke!!!!! not a good shopping combo 😫

#i broke my phone dsfkhjg... it is still alive but it gives me little kisses (shards of glass that stay in my fingers) </3 #i need a small one because my joints are fucked. and they dont make small cheap phones anymore so i need a spensiv one </3 #and i wanted to buy it used for 2/3rds of the original price but my brain is like. #hey what if they are selling it because it's broken stolen and also they dunked it in the toilet 🥰arrrhhugaaahh #😊 having a bad time!!!! #neri stfu

[dandyshucks]

blinks tiredly. i decide "hm maybe i should try to expand my circle and step outside of it a little, lets go look at the main community tags" and im just greeted with a bunch of edgelords who think saying "fiction doesn't affect reality, don't like don't read" is peak activism and "fighting censorship". head in my hands. this is partially why i do not ever go into the community tags, my nervous system cannot handle blocking fifty weirdos every single day just so i can have a normal experience in the community tags hfdsjkl

#I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE BLOCKED ALREADY. i am TRYING to curate my experience 😭😭😭 #and i have so many tags blacklisted fjdsjkl like. so many. every single variation of tag to do with those chuckleheads #which helps avoid them a lot of the time tbh bc it'll flag posts that ppl rb if the original post was tagged w any of those #so i can avoid rbing posts that have chuckleheads as the op most of the time #i also usually double check OP's blog before i rb stuff now bc man this place is rife with these weirdos #ANYWAYS. yes i want to try to engage w the community but i do not think i can handle it if theres gonna be so many edgelords jkdslfl #the only way i follow new ppl now is when yall do promo hour and i sometimes see a new face pop up fdsjkl #every now and then i have energy to try to engage with new ppl but its so difficult when so many ppl are such insufferable edgelords !!!! #''im the nasty pr-sh-pper your parents warned you about 😎'' cool man you sound like the most insufferably obnoxious person ever. :/ #''if you like CENSORSHIP-'' i am hitting block immediately bc u have a fundamental misunderstanding of what censorship actually is 👍 #I'M TIREDDDD WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB ABOUT THIS STUFF. ''fiction doesn't affect reality'' I GUESS PROPAGANDA DOESNT EXIST THEN ???? #what a strange world they live in honestly. they dont understand how stories have served humans since the dawn of time. sighing loudly. #vent // #SORRY FOR THIS ONE IM JUST. ARGH. ppl talk abt encouraging community but i think maybe im not cut out for community #i want desperately to partake but i cannot handle it if it means dealing w all these bozos #it frustrates me to no end fdhsjkl and it upsets me so much and i wish i could deal w it better but. my nervous system is broken fdsjkl #i will try to expand my circle every now and then but i cannot do it often bc of this 😭 im not going to give up entirely though fdsjkl #(also this is partially why i dont tag my posts w community tags anymore bc i am just. so scared of these freaks getting their hands on it) #(the most i'll do is s.afeship or variations every now n then bc supposedly they're not in those tags fdsjkl) #delete later #dandyshucks

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[girlwithfish]

idk why my boss is giving me attitudetoo maybe cuz some parent prob complained abt me cuz i was talkjng to my coworker for a min during pick up bc we were trying to coordinate how we were going to close two classrooms with 30minutes left of the day and we didnt break up this ladys kid and some other kid who were having some petty ass two yr old fight on the playground

#like ok yeah i shld have broken it up but i didnt so what now. no one is hurt they werent actually fighting #they were just having some petty fight where they both wanted to b on the slide and were just screaming bc theyre two it wasnt actually like #physical #idk maybe these bitches shld givenus enough time to properly clean our classrooms and close etc cuz my coworker nd i were just trying to #work out how we were gojng to do that and its always so chaotic like two kids screaming we might not immediately run over to them when we #have like 16 other kids !! idk #anyway apparently she was pissed and complained to a diff coworker and probably the director too and claimed we were on our phones lol #like if i was on mg phone i was just checking the ratios and who was where and work stuff it was just an unlucky moment idk #like i feel like everyone's so focused on when u mess up only its getting old like watch ur own kid then bitch LMAO 😭😭😭idk #sorry im salty rn im just sick of parents rn like... #i feel like im working really hard and theres like no reward ig thats just life LOL but im sick of the toxic work environment tho #the vibes r bad i dont need it anymore. lol

[clits-and-clips]

Cat is in my lap now so I'll take a tablet when she inevitably decides I've betrayed her and gets up

#txt #i had too much sugar today so idk #i dont want to sit here all night until i get tired #im not crying all day anymore so im not emotionally exhausted enough to just pass out #my aunty is apparently addicted to sleeping tablets and i dont want to be like that #nothing on her at all #just saying #idk sleeping is hard and was hard enough when i had someone with me and cuddling me #being ignored today stung #even tho i said id give him space #what does he expect really lmao he was with me for 8 years so he has to know imma have shit to say to him #most of it was about booping and my laptop being broken #so #it just hurrrrts #he better be ignoring everyone else too otherwise it is personal #which is bad #if hes just ignoring his phone then whatever yk

[fiendishartist2]

guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.

#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls #okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases #one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes #''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it'' #so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars #and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get- #-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth #and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand) #but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude- #-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl #anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it- #-from like prayers #so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you'' #so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore #but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since- #-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it #for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid- #-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo- #-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3 #i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted- #-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives #like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them #or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings #or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each- #-other anyways #i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life- #-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in #i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's #-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#original #gggodss i just. wanna be held #i just wanna be held so badly #i want to curl up in someones arms i want them to hold me so close i want them to pet my hair #i want them to tell me everything will be okay i want to cry with them i want to just let myself be broken #cuz i am im so fucking broken i can't. pput into words how much everything hurts sometimes #i want to say all the time but its not true #its not all the time i just feel like it is because thep ast doesn't exist and neither does the future and #hhhhhhhhhhhh #i just. i just want to be wanted as usual damnit #just want to feel desired #want to feel pretty #wish i was pretty #i dont know why im so. fixated on that recently #i just. #.....mmirrors hurt #i dont want to see myself anymore #i cant look at myself anymore #everything hurts #everything hurts.

[coffee-bat]

hi not to vent again but you ever been so overwhelmingly injured that you actually feel like crying

#(tl;dr: ouch oof owie my bones) #sorry for venting here again i dont really have anyone to tell this to i dont wanna be whiney #but hghghghghhh #turns out the possible broken foot was the least of my problems #yknow how sometimes after you get multiple injuries you hyperfocus on one and dont realize the severity of others? yeah #i DEFINATELY sprained my right hip. #hurts when i move my leg. cant put any weight on it or it just buckles. my muscles spasm and my knee buckles down #both my knees hurt. or rather the ends of my femurs. it feels like i crushed the tips of both femurs #my toe(??) still hurts but i cant bother to focus on it anymore #my elbows hurt too. like ends of my upper arm bones #everything fucking hurts i can barely walk i want to cry everytime i move my bones itch like when theyre broken #i see no purpose going to the hospital. theyd just give me xrays and do nothing but keep me for 10 hours in the waiting room #i know they wont help. hell theyll probably laugh at me as usual. its just not worth it #but everytime i move i want to fucking cry. i need to complain a bit ig #sorry ignore this im just ventibg #vent #personal #and its frustrating bc im USED to this. i get injured SO often. i should be dealing with thisbetter. but rn its just too much #i have a developed high pain tolerance but this is just. too much. i cant focus on ignoring one thing bc multiple others hurt

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#ooof #i may be a jack of all trades of something lmao #hopefully i can fix my cousins leaking shower faucet #im guessing its the cartridge since the knob cant turn it off anymore maybe the rubber gasket finally wore out #going to need to buy soem waterproof silicone grease for the o rings to lubricate the new cartridges o rings before installing #got me the core puller since i dont want to break the inner part of the old cartridge #then wed need a real professional LMAO with the tools to take the broken stem out #so hopefully im able to take out the old stem safely #and then go to home Depot and find the same cartridge #installing it is the easy part taking it out is the hard part #turn off main water #pop off the top of the handle unscrew it from the stem #pop off the handle #then the metal tube #take out the tab holding the cartridge in place #then safely and slowly use the core puller to take out the old cartridge #after taking it out inspect for brand or any numbers if none go to home Depot and look through there catalog #then simply push the new cartridge in making sure to keep the moon side down so the water is off and not on the on position #then turn the water on before or after putting on the handle to see if the cartridge is facing the right way #so the water comes out cold then hot #hopefully it goes well and i fix there water #they spent 600 dollars on water cause of the leaking tub #im definitely going to have to get paid for this one if im able to fix it LMAO the parts are not cheap #knowing my cousins they'll probably just buy me something to eat and try to play it off as payment but not today 😂 #will see on Friday when the core puller comes and ill just go to the plumbers store for the water proof grease/lubricant #ill update My Internet diary on Saturday LMAO 🤣 #i honestly need yo start writing in my journal again im so inconsistent its my worst traits rn

[todayisafridaynight]

Loving all the Mine chat today! In a world where neither of them have Daigo to fixate on (for whatever reason) what do you think interactions between Mine and Masato/Aoki would be like? All your comics have them obv pitted against one another (always gives me a giggle gotta say!!) but I'm curious bout your thoughts on them/their potential interactions if Daigo wasn't part of the equation. I think they could be so evil together in whatever capacity. Real "I could make him worse" territory.

Sorry if this is a bit silly (I know removing Daigo removes a lot of other things too) I just love listening to you talk about guys ™️ lmao

i am a renowned Guy(TM) Talker this is a fair thing to assert

BUT honestly they'd probably like. not be friends or Sincerely get along but they'd probably use each other one way or another if given the opportunity: aoki wanting to exploit mine's skills, knowledge, and wealth, all the while mine At Least keeping an eye on aoki's influence (and if he wanted to do his homework probably keep tabs on the arakawas) and considering if it'll have potential use down the line. it's not like it's hard to imagine them having similar ideologies or morals either

mine'd absolutely loathe aoki's pride in his philosophy tho- even if it does align with his own somewhat LMAO

#snap chats #tl;dr they could be collaborators that hate each other #aoki'd prob be gaga over mine's potential use to him tbh lol #LIKE yes mine generally has a distrust of people and doesnt believe in them but at his core he also wants to #hence why he'd just. despise aoki's blatant narcissism LMAO its a gross mirror to look at #at the very least mine wasnt proud of his philosophy when he told kiryu about it. it seemed more of an unfortunate fact of life #very big difference compared to to aoki's enthusiasm and almost giddiness to use and dispose of people #all the while without harboring /too deeply/ of a want to connect with others #evidently we find out deep in his evil black little soul he did want SOME kind of connection and normalcy #but it wasn't as. so to say as much of a 'romantic' want as it was for mine #and i dont mean in terms of ACTUAL romance just in that. take mine joining the yakuza for example #he had a very romantic idea of 'the bonds between men' and so on and so forth #like ultimately his goal was sincere relationships- all the while aoki's goal was. ???? #like i KNOW what it is but as a person.. scratching my head now that i actually have to label it #i guess he really did want admiration from others in the end and to not feel so 'weak' or 'broken' anymore #idk i guess the lines can blur if you try hard enough but im rambling LOL bye

[anotherpapercut]

a friend of mine sold me a cello for $100* and I'm literally so stoked about it I'm not even sure like. I don't know what to do with it. what do I do first

* for context the only cello I could find for $100 on Facebook marketplace or craigslist was actually an upright bass and it was broken in half

#for further context to the context nobody on facebook marketplace knows what the fuck a cello is #there was also a violin for sale as a cello because why not #I considered messaging these people but is that like a dick move #no i dont want to buy this because you're charging a ridiculous amount but youre also stupid. please google the word cello #literally the cheapest actual intact cello ive seen is $500. theyre typically thousands #and he gave me his rock stop rosin bow and a practice book. the case is broken tho lmao #id like a hard case for it but those ALSO cost thousands lmfaoo #so if any of yall have a hard case for a full size cello you dont need hmu how does $100 sound lol #side note he told me it was a 3/4 but its not its a full haha dumbass. now ive gotta make fun of him #already lost my best joke bc every time i sae him i used to say 'hey you owe me a cello' but he doesnt anymore

[fleastinger]

#if i told you i could not fall asleep on your birthday could you believe me? #that i slept in the jamaica shirt? #i have no idea if that was your gift to me or if it was for my uncle or someone else #i have your shot glass that you so haphazardly gave to me #but tbh i was such a coward i couldnt bear to touch and give out all of your gifts #it feels wrong. a reminder that I fucked things up with us #i dont even know what i want anymore or if i can get through this #i feel so alone wallowing at the current state of things #im constantly short of money and overspending like crazy #i keep thinking about the guilt of it all and the knowledge that you wouldn't be so happy hearing from me if you knew what happened #and what i continue to do #i just feel so lost after realizing i ripped apart of my soul out by leaving you #and knowing that i did something that had broken it beyond repair if i didnt go #just. hoping your year is better #and now i cant stop thinking of the ways i freely gave my love to you without thinking #how we shouldve been serious sooner and that i couldve been with you if i was better #better at controlling myself or better at admitting that i was struggling #oh my sweet...it doesnt even matter the little things like my sex drive being higher than yours #or the fomo id have about not doing things when you let me socialize and would join/invite me to things #its hard to confront giving my niece a gift from you and face the fact that the trip wouldve made me open up #i was just. too cowardly to let go of my ex.

[wickershells]

txt

#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent

[eyefocusing]

this has been the most week

#complaining ahead!!!! ik i dont make personal posts on here much anymore but i Need to vent in some tags for a bit #stepmom crashed the uhaul so bad this weekend that she had to be flown to a hospital three counties away #shes super lucky to even be alive but shes only got like. a single broken rib????? #aunt and i have been going to the crash site to clean up and recover what we can #bc the truck was totally full when it crashed and flipped over lol. stuff was scattered everywhere #its been fascinating to see what managed to survive getting flung out of a truck going so fast it took out multiple trees #the completely sealed bottle of v8 was pretty good. and my rolled up rug that got flung 15ft into a tree still makes me laugh #thankfully a lot of what was in the truck was just furniture but we still have nooooooo idea what the state of any of it is #bc they cant open the truck to check it out #and the moms r now stuck over there for a week bc the person they stayed w after the hospital has covid #and im taking full care of our 11 (11!!!) pets bc aunt works 12 hour shifts so she has like zero energy for any of that when she Is here #i mean im usually the go-to pet carer of the family anyways but this has been such a mentally taxing year i just want to nap for awhile #would love to be able to sleep for longer than three hours w/o a puppy pottying on the floor or cats escaping or dogs barking like mad