Tumgik
#i dont want to take it off... but if i dont i will regret it so much
I got all these issues. Will you be my prescription?
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Bucky Barnes x POC!Reader
Wordcount: 4462
Summary:
A fight about your safety ensues when pictures of the two of you together get leaked by a fellow agent and former one night stand. He's livid that your relationship is exposed to the world and now could be used against him. You could care less who knows about your relationship. You've been together over a year, you knew what dating the former Winter Soldier brought with it. No, you're pissed that some bitch, who doesn't even count as an ex, is trying to ruin the best thing to happen to you.
Warnings:
Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Feels, Some Humor, Protective Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Song Lyrics, Inspired by Music, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, P In V Sex
Notes:
Hello Heathens! This oneshot came out of nowhere one evening when I was listening to music on my phone while working on another fic. A cover of the song "Issues" (originally performed by Julia Michaels) came on and my mind was flooded with this idea and story that I need to flesh out. I have no control of my muse. I just write the stories she tells me to. HAPPY READING! Lyrics for the song Issues by Cameron Bedell will be in bold. ( Here's a link for you to check out the song ) Thoughts in italic.
Banner by @cafekitsune Divider by @firefly-graphics
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You're trying to get him to understand that the real problem is the agent and not the exposure. Yes you now have to be more careful when you're somewhere without him. But it's not much different than what you were already doing.
"If she leaked us being together what makes you think she wouldn't leak other more sensitive information. Hell, she already could have!" You argue, trying to get him to see the whole picture.
"I don't give a fuck about some jealous drunken hook up who still feels jaded. I never wanted you in danger. That's why it was so important to keep us hidden." He snaps back.
Your emotions finally get the best of you. "I never WANTED to be hidden James! I went along with it because it was something you needed that made you feel secure. One less reason I might leave." 
You shake your head as the tears begin to well in your eyes. "We're over a year in. I thought we'd be out to more than just people with enough clearance to be made aware. Makes me feel like your dirty little secret. I don't want to be that forever."
"Keeping your attachment to me hidden keeps you safe. What about that dont you understand?" He's so lost in his fear that he can't see things clearly.
"No. It leaves me vulnerable and easier to take with no one noticing because they're unaware of my relationship to the deadliest man I know." You calmly state. That seems to get his attention. "How can anyone fear the repercussions of even trying to get close to me like that without knowing who to be afraid of?" 
He just stands there. Tension radiating off his body. 
You let out an exasperated sigh and start walking to your door. "I think you need to go Bucky. I can't do this with you right now. You're so lost in your anger and fear that you're not thinking clearly. And I'm just plain pissed off. I don't want either of us to say something we regret later."
A look of shock crosses his face. "Doll, you can't be serious? We just got exposed. You're not safe."
"No one knows where I live, yet."
"Key word, yet."
"James." You reach for the knob. "Please just give me some time alone. I know where to find you when I'm ready. We both need to think about things from all angles."
He walks up to you and pins you to the door with a soul crushing kiss. Putting all of his fear and love into that one small gesture. He pulls away and allows you to open the door. Just as he crosses the threshold he turns his head your way. "This is far from over, doll. Don't keep me waiting too long."
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You spend the next couple of days working through your thoughts with your guitar. Letting the music take you where you need to be. Mending the frayed edges and soothing the aches.
Through your musical therapy a song develops. Something that you think might help ease things between the two of you. Because, let's face it, you miss your man something fierce.
Every imperfect piece of him. Responding to his texts just to let him know you’re safe and alive, just isn't going to cut it anymore. Someone has to yield first, and it looks like this time around, it’s going to have to be you.
Mind made up on what you are going to do, you decide to give Steve a call.
It rings three times before he picks up. “Rogers.”
“Hey Stevie. How’s he holding up?” You waste no time asking what you so desperately want to know.
“Hey, Dollface.” He sighs. “‘Fraid to say, he’s not doing too great. Seems his already short fuse has shortened significantly. Had to take him off the training roster for the recruits because too many couldn't keep up with his demands or got injured.”
“Shit.” You shake your head even though you know he can't see it. “I was hoping he had calmed down some by now. I’m sorry Steve. I didn’t think he'd still be affected this much.”
“It’s not your fault. You know how overprotective he is in general. Add a threat, from the inside at that, and he goes nuclear.” He excuses.
“Well, I think I may have a solution to our problems.” You admit. “If not at least a band-aid for the time being. I’m going to need you and Sam’s help though. If you're willing of course.”
“I’m all ears. Want me to grab Sam so you don't have to explain it twice?”
“That would be great actually. I’d appreciate not having to spend more energy than I need too.”
“Alright. Hang on a sec.” You hear shuffling, followed by a door opening. Then the tell tale sound of a knock and a muffled voice before a door opens once more. “Hey Sam. Mind if I come in? I’ve got Buck’s best girl on the phone and she has something she wants to go over with us.”
“No problem man. Come on in.” Sam replies.
Once safely behind Sam’s door he places the phone on speaker. “Okay, doll. Tell us your plan.”
“It’s pretty simple really. I’ve used my time alone to reflect and process things the best way I know how. With my guitar.” You lightly chuckle. “Anyway. Long story short, I wrote something for James and I want to surprise him by performing it in front of you all.”
“All of us?” Sam asks.
“Well, just the Avengers. A small little private concert type of thing. Though I'll only be singing the one song halfway through. My friend has a great band that I think you all would love. If you can get Tony to hire them for the night to do a private show for you guys, I can sneak my performance in.”
“So Bucky will know about the private show but not that you're a part of it?” Steve questions for clarification.
“Yup.” You pop the ‘P’ for emphasis. “Think you can sway Tony to make this happen?”
“Seeing as how this should improve Bucky’s temperament and save us doing extra recruit rotations and paperwork. I don't see Tony being a problem. Text us when you know if your friend's band can do it and we’ll take it from there.” You can hear the relief in Steve’s voice over your plan.
“Thank you guys. I owe you big time.” You declare.
“Just help us get the normal grumpy old man back. That’s all we ask.” Sam imparts.
“That’s the plan.”
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Tonight’s the night. You rub your hands anxiously against your thighs as the town car Tony sent for you cruises leisurely down the long Compound driveway. You surpass the front roundabout and make your way around to the back, near the private entrance and garage the Avengers use.
You text your friend Marco, the lead singer of Bow & Dagger, that you’ve arrived and to send someone out to get you. Of course your ex Chase, the bassist, is the one to greet you. He leans his body against the door frame, a smirk plastered across his face, as he scans your body from the bottom up. “Looking good Firefly.”
You roll your eyes at the use of your old nickname. “Still using that outdated moniker Chase?” 
He quirks a brow at you. “You’ll always be my firefly. Maybe even more so now that you’ve gotten away. I’ll forever be chasing your light.”
You can't help but laugh at him. “Does that lyrical prose still work on the female population nowadays?”
“I’ve had no complaints.” He shrugs. “It used to work on you just fine if I remember correctly. Hell you used to toss it right back at me.”
“The blessed naivety of youth. Thank the Goddess that I grew up and my priorities shifted. I’m a more well rounded individual now. Less in search of useless validation.”
“Ouch.” He clutches his chest. “Still got those talons, I see.”
“Never leave home with them.” You wink at him. “You gonna let me in so you can make that paycheck I’m sure is well above your normal fee, or stand there all night?”
“Get in here smartass before Marco lays in to me for wasting time.” He moves aside.
You walk into the pseudo green room and are immediately smothered in a bear hug. “Hiya Stu. I’m happy to see you too.” You say into his barreled chest. “Mind letting up a bit. I kinda need to feel my fingers in order to play.”
He quickly lets go, only to place his hands on your shoulders and stare at you with a dopey smile across his face. “I’m sorry girlie. I’m just so happy to see ya. It’s been too long.”
“It has. I’m sorry ‘bout that.” You wince. “Life kind of got away from me. You know how it goes.”
“I’d say all is forgiven, seeing as you booked us this sweet gig.” Marco butts in, scooping you up in a hug himself. 
“Fuck yeah! I finally get to shoot my shot with the Black Widow.” Stu exclaims.
“It’s the least I could do. You guys have no idea how much you're helping me out here.”  You walk over to the couch and place your travel case down.
“What exactly are we helping you with anyway?” Chase inquires.
“Some Rom-Com grand gesture type shit” You smugly state.
“No shit?” Stu asks.
“I speak only the truth.” 
“You gonna tell us who the unlucky schmuck is?” Chase snipes.
“With that attitude, you’re just going to have to wait and see.” You give him a smile to rival the Cheshire Cat’s. “The look on your face is going to be fucking priceless. I can’t wait.”
Before he can respond with some dickish comment, there’s a knock on the door, followed quickly by Tony and Steve entering the room.
Steve makes his way over to you. “Hey Dollface. You ready to get this show on the road?”
“I’m all set if these knuckleheads are ready to head on out there.” You turn towards the boys. “Have you guys met your benefactor for tonight's little private concert?”
“Negatory little lady.” Stu speaks up first, walking over to Tony. “Howdy Mr. Stark. The name’s Stu. Bow and Dagger’s drummer and loveable goofball. That’s Chase. Bassist and resident fuckboy. And the merose looking fucker over there is Marco our lead guitar and vocals.”
“That suits you.” Tony imparts. “You certainly give off drummer vibes. Lots of energy. Any questions on how this is gonna work?” 
“I wouldn't mind a breakdown.” You pipe up.
"Here's how it's going to go." Steve grabs everyone's attention with his Captain voice. "We're going to gather the team in the common room where Sam and I set up a stage earlier. Tony is going to introduce the band. You'll play 3 songs and announce your taking a 5 min smoke break. That's when Dollface here is going to make her way on stage and do her thing." 
He smiles over at you. "Hopefully if all goes well you guys will finish your set and then you're welcome to stay for dinner and hang out."
"Solid plan golden boy. You come up with that all on your own." You joke.
"Always with the smart quips. I'll remember that. Now let's get moving before the team gets restless and wanders off."
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So far the evening was flowing seamlessly. As Bow & Dagger played the last notes on your third song, your nerves decided to make themselves known. You watched them announce their break and leave the stage. 
Before you could sabotage yourself, you made your way onto the tiny stage and turned to the group of mostly stunned superheroes. “Hey guys. I hope you don’t mind me interrupting. I have some things I need to get off my chest and thought I might provide some intermission entertainment in the process.”
You roam the space for Bucky and lock eyes with his Steel blues, seated on the sofa next to Steve. Taking a deep breath, your fingers begin to strum the opening chords, the team looking on in curiosity over what may come out of your mouth.
Sustaining eye contact you let the lyrics flow out of you as if there is no one else in the room.  
Mmm mm mm I'm jealous I'm overzealous When I'm down I get real down When I'm high, I don't come down I get angry Baby, believe me I could love you just like that And I could leave you just this fast
You take in his demeanor, stock still but engaged nonetheless.  
But you don't Judge me 'Cause if you did, baby I would judge you too No, you don't judge me 'Cause if you did, baby I would judge you too
The only thought in your head is Here goes nothing, as you put your whole heart into the chorus.
'Cause I got issues But you got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you
You breathe a little easier when you notice him start to soften. Just absorbing the piece of your soul you're sharing with everyone. 
You do shit on purpose You get mad and you break things Feel bad, try to fix things But you're perfect Poorly wired circuit And got hands like an ocean Push you out Pull you back in
A subtle smile crosses his face at the truth in your words. The picture of him that many do not get to see. You really get into it as you run through the bridge and chorus one more time. Now it’s time to bring it home and woo your man.
Ooohhh, Need you OOOOOOH AHHHH I got issues You got 'em too So give 'em all to me And I'll give mine to you Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em Yeah, I got issues And one of them is how bad I need you Ooh hoo hoo I got issues  One of them is how bad I need yoou Issues And one of them is how bad I need you
You could hear a pin drop in the room as Bucky rises from his seat and makes his way over to the stage. You swallow and try to get your breathing under control as you have no idea what is going to happen. 
Before you know it, he’s standing in front of you, broad chest heaving. He brings his hands up and cups your face before pulling you into an earth shattering kiss.
You forget that you have an audience until the sound of their cheers and clapping reaches your ears. You think you not only hear but see the muted flash of a camera through your closed lids.
You come up for air to see Bucky with the most lovesick expression on his face. “You did all that for me?” 
You nod your head. “Figured it was the best way to get you to listen and understand.”
“Fuck I love you.”
“Love you too James.”
Sam rushes over to the stage. “Man, I live streamed the whole thing. The people are going crazy over ya’ll.”
“You did what?!” You both blurt out.
“I streamed it. The world already knows about you. Might as well milk it. No need to thank me, damn.”
Bucky moves to jump off the stage and rush Sam. You barely catch him in time. “Hey. Don't let him get to you okay. You know how much he loves to rile you up.”
“Sorry, doll. He’s just such a douchebag sometimes. We were having a moment.” He apologizes, running his thumb along your bottom lip.
“It’s fine.” You nip at the flesh as it passes over once more. “What I really want to know is if performing the song in front of everyone was okay? I just wanted you to hear me out and understand my side of things. I didn't want to embarrass you or anything.”
“Doll. Stop rambling.” You shut your mouth. “I loved it. Honestly I liked that they got to see how much you feel for me.”
You beam up at him. “Good.”
“Now I have some displays of affection I need to show you myself. Come on babygirl.” He pulls you off stage and heads towards the hallway that connects with his, Steve and Sam’s wing of the compound.
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You’re pulled inside Bucky’s room, tripping over your sneakers as he hurriedly maneuvers you through his space. “James, slow down. I’m gonna eat shit if you keep it up.”
He stops in front of the bed, turning toward you. “Shut up.” He grabs your waist and tosses you down on to the mattress, climbing on and caging you in with his massive frame. “You’ve used that mouth enough tonight. Now it’s my turn.” 
With no time to catch your breath, he renders you incapable of responding by capturing your lips with his own. Kissing life back into your body, as your tongues dance a tango only you know. 
He takes his time as his hands roam your curves. Sneaking his cool metal digits under your shirt, leaving goosebumps in their wake. He begins to remove your shirt, placing his flesh hand  underneath your lower back as he slowly lifts your torso to pull your shirt over your head. You raise your arms in aid, grazing your fingertips across the stubble along his jaw when he tosses your shirt aside.
He trails his hands down your flesh until he reaches the waistband of your jeans. With a quick snap of his vibranium fingers your button is undone, your zipper quickly following suit. He starts to slide the denim down, tapping your hip to get you to raise them so that he can remove them entirely.
Leaning back on his haunches, he grabs the back of his shirt with his flesh hand and pulls it off. His lust blown blue eyes focused on you draped over his bed sheets.  “So fucking beautiful.” He runs his hands up your legs, gripping the waistband of your panties when he reaches your hips and takes his time removing them from your body. 
“Take your bra off for me, babygirl.” You lean up on your elbows, reach behind your back and unclasp the garment, letting it fall away from you body. 
Leaning forward, he ghosts kisses along all of your exposed skin. Mapping out a trail of pleasure and gooseflesh. Teasing first one and then the other nipple with his tongue, ending each with a deep suction. 
The slow paced teasing continues, driving your need for him higher. He stops his trek at your mound, hot breath blowing puffs of air on the cooling slick leaking from your folds. “So beautiful and all mine.” He runs a cool metal finger along your drenched lips. He ensnares you in his gaze. “That’s right, isn't it, babygir? This pretty little pussy is mine to do with as I please?”
“Yes. All of this is yours.” You pant out. Delirious for him to do something more than tease.
“Damn right it is.” He runs a stripe from taint to clit with his skillful tongue. Circling your sensitive little bundle nerves, pulling a moan out of your throat. Having had enough of taking his time slowly torturing you he thrusts his tongue inside your aching center. The thick muscle massaging your silken walls, giving them something to finally clamp on to. 
“Mmm. James. Fuck. Your tongue feels so good baby.” Your hands anchor themselves in his hair, just enjoying the ride. But that’s not enough for him. He wants you desperate and begging before he gives in and makes you come apart on his cock.
He pulls his tongue out, swirling it along your folds, seeking out every drop of your essence. Moving the appendage upward to lightly circle figure eight patterns on your clit, bringing you right to the edge. So close to falling over that cliff into utter bliss before he pulls away.
“No! Why’d you stop? I was so close.” You sit up, reaching out for his face, wanting to drag him back to your pulsing center.
He scoots back off the bed. “The first time you come after sending me away and keeping your distance, is going to be while my cock is deep inside you.” He unbuckles his belt, drawing your eyes down to his hands working on divesting himself of the last of his garments.
You're hypnotized by his movements. Mouth watering as you wait for his thickness to spring free from its confines. Time seems to stand still as his pants drop to the floor. “You went commando.” You whisper out, licking your suddenly dry lips.  
“Wonderful coincidence. I wasn't expecting to see you tonight and Steve came pounding on my door right as I got out the shower to tell me I had to come be a part of the festivities. I just threw on the closest clothes.” He shrugged, wrapping his metal fist around his length, giving himself a few pumps as he drank you in with a predatory gaze.
“Lay back down, babygirl.” He husks out. The command sends a fresh wave of slickness to your core, anticipating what’s to come, as you slowly lie back.
“Spread those luscious thighs for me, doll. Present me with my perfect little pussy.” He grunts out as he continues to stroke himself, a bead of precome precariously close to dropping from the tip as he places a knee down on the bed.
You open your legs wide enough to show off your glistening folds. Following his command, but holding back just enough to make him growl and push your thighs open the rest of the way. 
“You really wanna play with me right now, babygirl? After keeping this body away from me for days?” He rubs his cock between your cleft, tip bumping against your engorged and still so sensitive clit.
You squirm and whimper, just wanting him to be inside of you already. That halted orgasm, inching its way back to the surface every time his hot length grazes your bundle of nerves. 
“I’m sorry, James. Please. Need you inside me.” You plead. “It’s been too long since you filled me up.”
“You’re sorry huh?” You quickly nod your head. “Gonna let me wreck this pussy? Ruin you for anyone else? Milk me dry like the cumdrunk little slut that you are?”
“Yes. Yes. Please.” You beg, just wanting him to finally take you, reclaim you as his own.
“As you wish, babygirl.” He slams forward to the hilt, splitting you open with his girth.
He doesn't even give you a moment to get reacquainted with the size of him deep inside you. He just pulls back and thrusts in harder. Setting up a pace that just makes your brain go fuzzy and every nerve-ending sings in pleasure.
“Fuuuck. Look at you doll.” He grunts out. “Already cock drunk and I’ve barely gotten started. Pussy’s gripping me so tight baby. She doesn't want to let me go.”
Your mind can't function enough to produce anything other than moans, whimpers and wails of pleasure. You’re flying a serotonin high you are not ready to come down from yet. The coil in your core tightening as you dance closer and closer to the knife's edge of orgasm. Waiting for the moment when you dive off the edge into ecstasy.
Almost as if sensing that your climax is impending, Bucky picks up the pace, swiveling his hips and grinding his pelvis down on your clit for added stimulation. “Come on, baby. Come for me, pretty girl. I can feel your walls quivering around me. Give in. Fall apart on my cock. Show me how good I make you feel.”
That’s it. That’s all you need to lose yourself and let go completely. Surrendering to the euphoric bliss, screaming out for the whole compound to hear.
A rainbow of stars detonate behind your eyes as you writhe beneath him, back arching off the mattress before you go limp, laying in a state of bonelessness.
“Don’t pass out on me now doll. I’m so close. Little pussy is squeezin’ me so tight.” His pumps become erratic as he chases his own high. “Don’t you want me to fill  you up? Have me leaking out of you for days?”
You just nod and whisper out. “Please. Full.” Not able to formulate more than two words in your current state.
It was all the validation that he needed to hear to stop holding back and release the days worth of his seed into your waiting womb. Painting the walls white with rope after rope of his spend. 
It felt like it went on forever with how much he was pouring into you, until his dick stopped twitching and he collapsed on your chest. Catching his breath and covering your face in sweet kisses as you both come back down to earth.
You stayed locked together, your pussy warming his cock, as you both let your fingertips roam along the other's skin. Allowing yourselves time to just revel in the moment of the new direction your relationship is heading.
"You sure you're okay with the world knowing about us, doll? You’re not afraid that you'll no longer be safe?" He asks into your neck. 
"Like I said before, I feel no less safe than I did before, James.” You tell him with conviction. ”Plus now, I get to rub it in everyone's face that the White Wolf is all mine.” You grin like the cat that got the cream. “You're truly stuck with me now, Bucky."
He chuckles. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He places a soft kiss on your lips.
Just as the kiss deepens and you start the journey towards round two, there’s a knock at the door, followed by Sam’s muffled voice. "You guys done making up yet? Steve wont let us eat until you guys get back out here."
You both can’t help but laugh. "Tell Stevie we'll be right out but we're not staying long. I've got time to make up for."
“TMI man! A simple ‘Be right out’ would have been enough, Buck.” Sam scoffs as we walks back to the common area.
“Come on, doll. Let’s get dressed before Stevie comes looking for us next.”
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If you made it to the end, THANK YOU! If you liked it please feel free to let me know (but it's not required); and if you didn't, that's okay too, I still thank you for even giving it a chance.
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mihai-florescu · 21 hours
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Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course
My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...
As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...
I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)
It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...
Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...
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tardlard · 2 months
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old art but uhhh matthew patel bbg pose and shirtless todd 👍
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paperclipfanatic · 1 year
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Unconditional
(Rant/Analysis in tags)
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hella1975 · 4 months
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what do you plan to do with your degree after uni?
FUCK NASTY!!!
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friendlifyre · 16 hours
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i think ive finally hit that point where ive accepted that i need to Allow myself to enjoy genshin more casually otherwise it wont be long before i stop enjoying it altogether
#personal#its taken so long bc when i started the game i skipped through a lot of sidequests just to get the rewards/whatever they unlock#and later on i regretted it bc i was retroactively interested in lore and there was nothing left to do so wished id taken my time w those#and its rly that same reason i held off on doing a ton of content these past few months#telling myself i shouldnt do them until i had the time and attention span to rly absorb everything#but its rly time i let myself just go for it and enjoy what i Want to enjoy and not dwell too much on what i need to skip to achieve that#not just bc i dont think i'll ever go back to being as hyperfixated on genshin as ive been before (and therefore wont regret it)#but also because i dont really... want to#im at a slowly turning point in my life where i want to do other things with it too#and if i want to make room for those other things#i have to accept that i'll never again be one of those players who take the time to fully consume 100% of the content this game puts out#and thats Good#and i wish id realized sooner skgkslg#i rly have a bad tendency to put arbitrary restrictions on myself and forget why i put them there in the first place#like i played sm of totk with a 'no teleporting' rule bc i wanted to rly gove myself an excuse to explore#and it wasnt until recently that i realized id gotten to a point where it was taking away from my enjoyment more than adding to it#and so that it was ok to just discard that rule atp#i need to try being more conscious of that in general bc im realizing its hindering me in weird places irl too
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niishi · 5 months
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I think a lot of ppl need to be their own protectors, swallow their pride, and not act in ways that lead to irreversible regrets and guilt. But 20yros on tiktok made us all believe cut off culture was a punishment to enact lightly.
#im not saying cutting ppl off is always a bad thing#i just think yall do it too often and for the worst reasons#and then when the person you love/loved dies or kills themselves#you live with irreversible traumatic guilt and regret#how are you protecting yourself from others while also being the person who irreversibly damages themselves by choice?#yall just take that action too lightly#conflict happens in close relationships#learn how to set boundaries and be the boss of your own world#you can love people at any distance you choose to set#without killing them off#i see so many videos of people being upset with someone#and cutting them off#then that person dies or kills themselves#you cut them off bc they harmed your mental health but your actions end up harming your mental health more than anyone else#idk#i dont want to live with regrets#again im not against cutting ppl off#ive cut off several ppl#i just dont think it should be done so charitably#guilt and regret reforms your brain the same way trauma does#youre going to end up doing major damage to yourself unless you find your own inner strength and confidence#your happiness and health doesnt have tocbe dependant on how other people treat you#their actions speak only for themselves#it's just as hard to gain mental and emotional strength as it is to gain physical strength#idk idk idk#youre not an anarchist or rebellious if you dont believe in community#if you love the drug addicts you see on the street and think they need to be shown humanity#but you cant do that for the addicts you know personally?#just an example... idk#yall are anti community snd struggle and then call yourself anarchists and it's embarrassing
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actual-corpse · 5 months
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I just realized that it's been too long since I got engulfed in soft fandom...
Might fuck around and find some Porter Gage x Male Sole Survivor soft porn shit or something Idfk
#porter gage#i havent really felt emotionally healed enough to play video games#the night that I fucked everything up with my now ex I was playing Skyrim#and I was upset that he never took me out to dinner anymore so I got upset and went for a drive#I came back and the house was full of noise that I didnt want#i wasnt asked if anyone could come over so i wasnt prepared#i got heated and acted really stupid#and then I yelled at him#and that was it#and now I really dont feel comfortable trying to play video games#especially since he threw it in my face one time bc I didnt take care of a task that he couldve done#... i havent really thought much about it since it happened#it hurts#a lot#i actually tried to hang myself the day it happened#drove out to the lake and found a secluded trail#i didnt do it right and had too many chances to change my mind#the last time I freed myself I managed to rip my helix piercing (not out... I just restarted a year of healing)#called my mom and drove home with blood pouring down my ear#until very recently I had regretted every day I lived... especially after I went off on a couple of stupid boys who wouldnt stfu in class#then had to deal with all that#so I went to the doctor and got liquid tests#on citalopram and vitamin D3#i feel a little better now#still have to contend with hormonal shifts making me irritable#so i try to handle that to keep from fucking up again#i dont like that it still hurts#and i havent done one of the things i love (play videogames aside from Sims 4)#i just want to feel important to someone you know?#and I kind of had it for a while
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fooltofancy · 1 year
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being sick is so expensive dude, it's not even just the missing work, but on top of random meds and food you have to buy cause it's all you can eat the groceries you bought the day BEFORE you got sick for a week just end up fucking going bad so even when you're finally well enough to function it's just. more purchases that shouldn't have been necessary.
brb revenge fighting my stupid body behind a denny's.
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jrueships · 2 years
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(Raises my eyebrows) https://twitter.com/HoodieRamey/status/1561564301499965440?s=20&t=0MWX_lCGhu-rYX9QBLo23A
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LAMAR JUST WATCHING HOLLYWOOD DAP EVERYONE UP LOOKING LIKE THE FUCKIN TERNINATOR OR SOMETHING HELP?? 'How Dare he rub skin with another man besides me. But it's okay though because i have my cool guy shades on so no one can see my emotional decline 😎'
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Gay rights even the people in the back are performing some homosexual ritual. Why aren't lamar and hollywood looking at each other 😭. Is this some sorta political peace meeting ??? Do they have to look at the cameras and smile as lamar crushes brown's hand?? What is going on!!
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Hollywood trying to pull away and lamar trying to cling onto him
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Love loses. (And moob moment)
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Babygirl moment too !
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doctorguilty · 2 months
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Bbbbb
For what it's worth I'm definitely feel unhappy and concerned about the current application of ai art in like industry and how the prognosis looking in regards to to, but it's absolutely impossible to have any kind of meaningful or productive conversation about it because the social media populace at large has still not moved past the most bottom shit tier arguments, namely a) "it doesn't count as art because art is made by humans and art has meaning and soul" (as if the philosophical definition of "art" isn't one of the most subjective things in the entire world, but more importantly, this is a 100% irrelevant point) and b) "making ai art is stealing other peoples art" (it's not, and "stealing" is just a really nonapplicable word when talking about visual art and derivative work at large), and these points keep coming from echo chambers made up almost entirely of people who actually will see close to no consequences of exploitation of ai generation, because they aren't working in any professional industry (they're just convinced ai will undercut their independent commission revenue or whatever) or, even worse, people who don't do any digital art whatsoever but are just parroting "support human artists" talk
I said this from THE BEGINNING that ultimately, the debates about what constitutes "real" art and everyone's collective lack of understanding about fair use and deviantart circa 2007 mindset that referencing a pose too closely = stealing are all utterly irrelevant points to the entities with the power to exploit the tools and cut back on their staff and produce more and more quick, cheap, low quality material for a profit. Companies like Disney, for example, don't give a shit about art having enough "human soul", they don't give a shit about whether or not copying artstyles or scraping data is "stealing" because they can do literally whatever they want with their impenetrable legal team (and they most definitely have no moral hangups about it)
But everyone is so latched onto their hyper individualistic mindset about art, all the discourse that should have been dedicated to the bigger picture is instead constantly funneled into "protecting" themselves (from the threat of other independent artists online allegedly looking to "steal" from them) and attacking anyone who so much as fucks around with some silly prompts in dall-e or anyone who's trying to like, direct the conversation away from the useless vitriol that will harm absolutely nobody who holds any power to exploit the medium, and instead making us just like, crabs in a bucket, you know?
It's been, what, a year now? And no amount of raging about it online has stopped companies from publicly flaunting how much ai they are using, so clearly it's not even a PR issue, which should give all the picture necessary that the points people are angry about don't matter. And that makes everyone MORE angry, but instead of like, considering WHY the discussion isn't going anywhere as it is and conceding that the answer to "what is art? 🤔" is "who give a shit", everyone's turned it into a black and white moral issue about the perceived correct answers, and if you're not on board with them you're saying "no I hate art and I hate all artists I hope they die" it's exhausting. That's why I kinda gave up talking about it because I feel the debate is kinda lost, not because I think I'm incorrect, but because it doesn't seem like we're budging from those irrelevant arguments (and complete misinformation I didn't address that but my god there's so much misinformation being passed around as fact) and there's nothing I can really do about it except watch it all go up in flames
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steampoweredskeleton · 7 months
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Ignore
#delete later#this is literally the worst time for a breakdown#i need to sleep to do the fun thung tomorrow. if i dont do the fun thing tomorrow i will fully regret it#i am panicking and on the verge of tears for no reason#theres too much going on all at once#and i love having ppl in the flat i do but fuck it always triggers the shit out of me#i am both really hapoy to see yhe person abd really happy shes coming to the thing. i am also terrified someone is gonna#go for me. its not logical. im fucking terrified#and theres so many unknowns tomorrow abd im freaking out. i managed to keep myself from aaking if i was allowed to travel#with them tomorrow when they sent me the timings. bc of course thats what that meant. it wasnt a heads up to avoid those times#but now im panicking about it bc not getting the reassurance is adding to the fear. even though the point of exposure therapy#is not getting reassurance for all intrusive thoughts. this is what im meant to do#im still freaking out. tye good thing is that the game specifies that if youre overwhelmed step outside#so i can escape if i need to and probably wont shut down#ill take my headphones abd my beanie and my safe items#i dont care if i look childish. i just gotta get through it to the enjoying bit#fucking. its not pity party time. wait like one week then you can have a breakdown. cut it off. cry at therapy#also want to reiterate i love that my flatmates have ppl round. uts good and nornal and GOOD#its entirely a me problem that ut freaks me out so badly. it breaks all the rules that were hammered into me abd i become convinced#im gonna be punished for disrespecting ppl. thats a me problem. i just cabt have it just be in ny head bc im gonna explode#time to play#will the weighted blanket allow me to better dissociate or make me feel every emotion and sob#neither options are fun!!!
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khaoticqueer · 1 year
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i graduate in like a month, kinda crazy imma have my BS soon. then my plan is to do it all over and get an arts degree LMAO. professional student behavior
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