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venomous-qwille · 2 months

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hi qwille!!! I got questions for u! you have lots of characters planned out, and that’s super cool! but how do u usually go about that process? like all your characters are very unique, and I wonder about the design process, as well as how you make their personality distinct! how do you make character dynamics/relationships? because all the scenes I’ve read so far make the characters feel really organic, and mesh really well together! (sorry for all the questions! I’m super curious ^w^)

Hiya! Here is an answer I wrote for this question on discord recently ^^

I will try answer this as thoroughly as possible!

There was a LOT of kill your darlings involved in making characters for gitm. Originally I had a very long list of character ideas that I cut down and down based on the kind of things and themes they would give me the opportunity to write about. I love long ensemble cast stories, thinking back to ones I particularly enjoyed and the ways those characters gelled together helped me a lot. The most important thing when selecting characters was making sure they would give me something interesting to write about! I was also very keen on ones that let me explore the fics main theme of Family from a different angle. I'm not sure how helpful this all is! But yeah, I try to be pretty strict with myself about what I include. The only reason I would include two characters who were very very similar would be to emphasize a difference/divergence between them later on. Characters have to justify themselves by bringing something unique to the table, even if that thing is just a 'very different outlook on life' to the rest of the cast. Over time a lot of those character ideas became more fleshed out in my brain, and characters that were cut from the original shortlist made their way back in. They still have to be able to narratively justify themselves in order to earn a channel in the discord though!

For the gitm guys, while I dont have a literal sheet I fill out I do make sure to answer a couple of basic character work questions: What lie do they believe about themselves/the world? How does it impact the way they interact with others? What central theme do they embody most? What do they want more than anything else? How do they feel about humans? Who are they at their best and who are they at their worst? I found that by answering these sort of questions it helped me discover more about them, which creates more questions- rinse and repeat. The more questions I answered the further away they would get from each other in terms of similarities. The thing that really helped with the gitm boys, especially because their origins are so similar, was leaning in to how different their experiences were post-fazco. They are different people because the world has made them that way. Messing around with foils has been useful too! Characters are no fun in a vacuum, it's how they interact with others that makes them interesting. I like to create ones that will bring out the best and the worst in each other. I think about opposites a lot and I really like narrative symmetry- what lessons can the characters learn from each other? I find that stuff super exciting to read so I really wanted to include it. Some examples of character foils in gitm: Fool & Noon, Sombra & Sunspot, Misuta & Sol

When it comes to finding character voice, I do a lot of test drabbles (a couple of them are on this server), which I use to just fuck around until I find something that feels right. For instance- Sol was very very easy to find the voice of, where as Misuta took weeks of rewrites. Sometimes things take time. Spending this time figuring out their voices at the start really helps fic consistence in the long run, I think. Because of all that prep, I don't really have to do anything to 'get into character' when writing their dialogue (it's fairly second nature now).

In regards to coming up with a character's arc, I look at them and their themes and ask 'what the fuck happened to you, dude?' and then 'how has that entrenched a faulty world view on you?' 'what could you be driven to do because of that world view/misunderstanding?' 'what would it take to fix this world view/misunderstanding?' (the last question is the most important one!). Then voila, you have a very loose framework of a (hopepunk) character arc.

In regards to the actual planning of the fic/character arcs, I have a very big miro board (pic attached) that I use for all this! Most of the major character beats are marked out separately to plot beats etc etc. There are still a bunch of bits that only reside in my brain, but I do try to add them to my plan as soon as they become any kind of concrete. All of the characters also have a background chapter (or rather, a series of chapters that form a short story) attached to their arc, that will recontextualise everything you have learned about them so far! I am so deeply looking forward to dropping these (I already have quite a lot written).

I would say that- for your question on character relationships- the answer does come down to being really specific about what you include. Make sure characters are meaningfully different from eachother, give them goals and experiences that clash and then force them to live/work together in the same space. If you have put time into building your characters before that, then you just need to create opportunities for them to get into conflict and bring out the best/worst in eachother. I really do believe that characters are quite boring in a vacuum- which is why I put so much emphasis on including narrative foils ^^ Tyvm for the ask <3

#gitm au #ghost in the machine au #ghost in the machine #asks answered #fnaf dca #qwillewrites #qwillechatter

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pommunist · 24 days

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I don't wanna say this under my own name because I'm friends with too many Quackity fans, but god, everything about his actions just makes me think that what he cares about is just avoiding legal trouble and protecting his own public image

And maybe also about his friends to be fair

(I mean to his credit, I don't think he cares about money either)

He says he's doing all this for the viewers, but I guess that doesn't include the viewers who care about the French streamers or the French characters

And I don't see any hint of him genuinely caring about the workers. This is not how you treat someone you care about. He keeps implying that he can't talk to anyone because of "leaks" but what the fuck could be so bad about the "leaks" that it justifies this kind of disrespect? Why is this secrecy more important than the needs of the workers?

Nobody's asking him to reveal his biggest secrets to the workers, everyone is just asking for him to TALK to them at least, and hearing them out

He also says he can't talk because he doesn't want to make false promises, then just say that! Again, nobody asked him to promise them a job in the future, we just want him to be honest and respectful! Just tell them directly that you don't know yet and listen to their thoughts on the situation! Ask them how you can alleviate the inconvenience if it's within your means! Just talk to them like they're fellow adults who are capable of having a reasonable conversation! Because they are!

The union mentioned that some of the workers had basically been told by management that they should be grateful to be allowed to work for Quackity Studios and ngl, I wonder if this is not only the view of higher management but of Quackity himself too. That's the question I keep asking myself and not daring to say out loud: does he see the lower level workers as just fans who should be happy they were even allowed to participate at all?

- 🐧

First I never mind anonymous asks so no problem dont worry !

Second I tbh don’t want to assume what Q true intentions really are because heavy speculation isn’t productive and can lead to more stress in general. However I think that we can agree that he isn’t doing it all for the money, given that we’ve always known QSMP was never and problably even supposed to be a profitable thing (just the hosting and translation costs alone point to this).

That said, I do agree that everything that has been done up to this point and since Lea started to reveal things seems to be more damage control and trying to avoid legal issues than actually trying to be fair to the workers. This isn’t even speculation if you consider the sudden firing of Twitter admins and the silent towards all the other admins.

Obviously, when you’re a company or an individual you wanna avoid a lawsuit at all cost. It is a logical business move, morally I don’t agree with that mindset ofc, and I also feel like it’s a misunderstanding of the intentions of most of the admins.

I don’t know any of them personally but none of them, so far, have publicly said they wanted to take the legal route or even sue Qstudios. In fact, most if not all of them have expressed their love of the project and wished for it to continue with better working conditions. Some admins also said they didn’t care about getting paid, that volunteer work was fine if they had done it without the stress and pressure. Side note if it ever comes out that some admins want to take the legal route to make their rights be recognised and be compensated then my full support to them.

As if he is doing all this for preserving his image (i say IF) then what a terrible job he’s doing. I hope I’m making very clear that QSMP and Q’s image with french speakers fans (and non fans, and other French Ccs) is in literal ruins.

Also I feel like there was a genuine wish to add different cultures, I’m talking specifically about the French and BRs here, but an underestimating of the work it takes to actually merge people from different backgrounds and that it goes beyond just putting CCs from all over the world on minecraft with a translator. The fact that there was no FR, PT or KR speaking upper admin at all in the team baffles me to this day.

Worst thing is that we probably only know like a fraction of the overwork, miscommunication and intimidation that went on behind the scenes. Heart aches for all of those who went through it. All the love to them ♥️

#qsmp discourse #quackity crit

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ringringimdeadhere · 9 months

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Okey I'm gonna give my side of the discourse, mainly because I've been thinking about it a lot

This all started because of a cultural shock, and also because of misinformation and just straight up harrasment

I am latino, so I will be biased. Here in latinoamerica the N word does not hold the same weight as it does everywhere else, and most of us where introduced to the word via music and general US rap culture. I at least thought it was closer to the Weon equivalent when I was little, from before I even learned to speak english. Now I know that it might be closer to the "Sudaca" slur (which even then, is a regional slur, not a racial one)

And besides, Roier and Cellbit where minors when all this happened (literally Roier is only 2 years older than me). And as someone who lived around that era on latino internet, shit was wild. It was not a safe space for developing minds that do not understand the weight of racism (especially if you are lightskinned, my god, idk how my mulato friends tolerated me, I was a demon and I got away with everything while they got scorted by security for doing the same thing)

But once again, our racial biases and cultures are different from the US. So once this two mixed, it was obvious it wasn't gonna be all smooth sailing. Especially because our humor tends to be a lot more.. self degrading, like we make fun of our culture all the time. So no matter your skin color, you are used to make and being made fun of for it. I had a friend we called el gringo because he looked so white, la chochos (the curly haired one) because of her afro hair; calling someone "negra/negro" is a friendly nickname for your black friends (only in spanish please dont try this anywhere else-); and my nickname was morocha (yes even though I am still very lightskinned). It's not great, but it is normalized.

And blackface is horrible, that's just fucked up. But ignoring the fact that this happened when Cellbit was a 15 y/o is just denying someone the opportunity to grow up and better themselfs. And also, I find it very weird that all this critique is mainly against the latinoamerican streamers when many white creators have done horrible things in their youth also, yet I have not seen the same amount of criticism. Like have you seen the Smosh videos from the same era? A hella lot of sexism, transphobia and ableism is in there. But they are also allowed to grow and change, and they have better themselfs as people. One of the best things you can do when growing up in a bigoted space is to learn from your mistakes and prejudice.

WITH ALL OF THIS SAID OH MY GOD STOP HARRASING BLACK PEOPLE FOR THEIR GENUINE CONCERN ABOUT GIVING BIGOTED CREATORS A PLATAFORM. THEY ALSO DONT HAVE ALL OF THIS BACKGROUND WITH THE LATINO COMMUNITY AND GOT JUMPSCARED WITH A 15 Y/O BLACKFACE CELLBIT AND BITS OF ROIER SAYING THE N WORD NONCHALANTLY, OF COURSE THEY ARE GONNA BE CONCERNED

I have been in the same position, having seeing all of this 2015-2017 racist ass humor about latinos on many of the content creators I just got around watching. They are allowed to be uncomfortable and even worried about the kind of people they admire. So PLEASE, be patient, and be aware that when you try to justify racist actions of a creator via "oh gringo black people are so sensitive about latino dark humor" that speaks more about you than about the creator.

I genuinely believe that Roier and Cellbit are not bad people and that they grew out of those bigoted mentalities (lord knows I had to grew out of some disgusting eras of myself). But I will not blame NOR ATTACK black people for fearing the type of content creators that are given the opportunity to be this influential.

#qsmp #qsmp discourse #roier #cellbit #qsmp twitter #twt

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seth-shitposts · 8 months

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"Next time they make a move, we'll be waiting for them to snuff out that spark before it catches fire."

-Kallus [s1e1]

"I never asked questions."

"Well maybe you should start. Or are you afraid of the answers you'll get?"

-Kallus & Zeb [s2e17]

"You have the heart of a rebel."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

-Thrawn & Kallus [s3e21]

"You disgust me, traitor."

"The day I betrayed your empire, Governor, is the day I finally stopped betraying myself."

-Pryce & Kallus [s4e15]

---

Alex: I'm dumping a theory essay / speculative thoughts here, and I am solely pulling from my memory which isn't always 100% accurate, but here's some of my thoughts on aspects of Alexsandr Kallus’s core character. (This is just what I think, of course, don't take it as facts. I'm literally just dumping words. And parts of this is strongly headcanon, as we dont have much canonically for his backstory.)

I believe that Kallus has always had "the heart of a rebel".

I believe that he's always had a strong sense of justice and values. Or maybe one that he built from scrap himself and with the resources available to him. (And, of course, just because one has a strong sense of justice, does not make that person automatically correct.)

He himself has said and believed [back before he searched for answers and became disillusioned from the empire] that the empire brought about justice and order to the galaxy. That's what he believed he had been supporting, it's what he was placing his loyalty into.

I feel that Kallus may have always had a twinge here or there, a feeling that something was off or a seed of doubt. But it was always just small and it would have been easier to push it aside and let himself believe that somethings cannot be helped, that sometimes the ends justify the means. This is what he would have been taught in his IBS training, given the nature of his job.

If Kallus was indeed from the lower levels, then he would have been witness to not only disorder and wrong doings on a daily basis, but also higher levels of violence as well. So when the empire did recruitments with promises of what would have allured the citizens of the lower levels to join the academy, it would have been in character for Kallus to have joined at the chance to bring change for the better to the galaxy, to places similar to where he came from.

And the contrast between the lower levels and the academy would have been a huge culture shock, one that would have taken some getting used to. So he probably started right off the bat with observing, trying to figure it out. And then there would be minor things here and there that he may have felt somewhere was off. Maybe he even questioned it, but would immediately shut the train of thought down if it were even implied that he was being disloyal or didn't have faith in the system.

And even of it felt wrong to him to do some of these things, that it was causing internal conflict, he would snuff out the doubt, extinguish the questions, because there was a goal that needed to be met. Even if he found something distasteful, he would ignore it until eventually he didn't feel that recoil anymore. Because he believed that the empire was right, that if he tried hard enough, he would accomplish what he had set out to do. And over time, he snuffed out that spark. And the fact that he had lost those who were close to him, all in one fell swoop on what was supposed to be just a routine mission probably made it easier to dedicate himself to a system that made promises of justice and order. So he probably really should stop questioning things, it would've been in his best interest.

Over the years, it would have been a slow progression of the Empire's tactics becoming more and more extreme, just enough small changes building up so that it would have seemed that increasing the iron grip was the best course of action. It produced the best results, the Empire would have become more powerful, and therefore allowed the empire to expand its reach even further and cover more ground. Stopping rebellions at the roots, ending a small spark before it has the chance to burn down a house. And maybe in this twisted perception, Kallus would have thought that the way to make sure another massacre like what happened on Lasan didn't happen again would've been to do this. To snuff our sparks before they become so big that the Empire's only response is to end the whole situation through brute force and overpowering numbers. There was most probably a part of Kallus that knew something about what had happened to Lasan was wrong, but he chose to override that and continue on the mission.

Despite how hard he had been throwing himself into walls to capture the ghost crew and to "finish what he started" there was still that something there, as it would have brought him to feel the need to say something about it to Zeb on the moon. About how it wasn't supposed to be a massacre, but he realized the empire wanted to make an example. Part of him would have had to of known that it was wring on some level, but he still chose to snuff out the doubt. Because the doubt would only lead to the need to ask questions and asking questions would only lead to being accused of disloyalty and doubt in the entire empire itself.

But then came the point in Legends of the Lasat when Kallus had to face the realization that no matter what he did, he wasn't going to catch the rebels, he wasn't going to catch the ghost crew. He had been chasing this group for well over a year at this point and every time they still managed to evade capture, to escape, to survive, to live. They will only ever remain out of reach, even when he throws caution to the wind. In that moment, something deep in him knows that it's not going to happen. It doesn't stop him from trying again, but there's that little seed that remains.

And then Zeb tells Kallus that maybe he should ask questions. Or is he afraid that he'll find the answers and not like the harsh truth? To have to face the fact that for nearly two decades he had been devoting himself to a system that has only been oppressing the galaxy, that he had been betraying his own morals and values for false promises.

Zeb saying that to Kallus would have dragged back every bit of doubt, every question buried alive. It re-lit a spark. So Kallus took the borrowed courage, because stars knows that he had been too much of a coward to do it himself up to this point, and chased down some answers. And those answers we his worst fears confirmed, that he had betrayed the fibers of his own being and committed terrible acts for lies. And rather than run or slip into despair, Kallus immediately took to following what he thinks is right. The best way to help others is to do what he can to help the rebellion.

And he doesn't change allegiances for anyone but himself. Because it's what he believes to be the right thing to do, and it is. Finally having forced himself to swallow his pride he looked to the whole truth for what it was. And even though he may not have liked what he saw, he still had to face it and do the next right thing.

And even though there was the pain and guilt of the fact that he had done what he did, there may have also been this sense of relief. While it was still suffocating to have learned the truth, there was a part of him that was finally allowed to breathe again. A part of him that came back full force.

#star wars rebels #swr #alexsandr kallus #star wars #essay #thought dump

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fictionkinfessions · 2 months

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Hey it's me Omori from Omori

to all the Headspace Basils out there: I'm sorry for killing you 6 times I'm not going to try to justify it but I want you to know two things 1 I don't hate you and I never did it was never personal and 2 I do feel bad although probably I should feel worse sorry that isn't helping anything

to the Sunnies: I'm sorry I told you to kill yourself I never meant for you to go through with it and I really hope you didn't because if you did i would feel horrible also sorry your sister died I can't imagine what that must be like for you probably not good but if it makes you feel any better I would've done the same thing also sorry I basically ruined your life I could try to justify it but I'm sure you don't want to hear any of that

HS Aubreys: I never loved you and I never will don't worry its not your fault I just don't like girls but I promise you were like probably my best friend besides Basil ig and I'm not lying to make you feel better I swear 100% I don't like girls

Everyone else I don't have much to say to you but you all probably hate me which I don't blame you bc I hate myself too I hope you dont hate me though but I know some of you do

And hi to anyone reading this who isn't from omori you're all cool and I hope you dont hate me

idk I just feel like everyone hates me lol

this is gonna get a lot of cw tags I'm guessing

thank you for reading the ramblings of someone who has no idea what they're saying

-Omori (#omori12 incase I post here again (I checked and it isn't taken))

(are psychological kin allowed here?)

party note yes absolutely psychological kin are welcome here!

Anonymous asked:

Hi it’s that Omori person again the one with the tag #omori12 can I actually be #💻🎹

Thx

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #💻🎹#omorikin #omorigamekin #apology #murder cw #death cw #suicide baiting cw #suicide cw #mod party cat

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fanfaire · 2 months

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　　 ——— ARIA OF ABLUTION ! ———

　　　　　　❝　FAREWELL, happy dreams of the past 　　　　　　the rosiness in my cheeks has already gone pale 　　　　　　the joys, the sorrows soon will end, 　　　　　　the tomb confines all mortals! 　　　　　　do not cry or place flowers at my grave, 　　　　　　do not place a cross with my name to cover these bones! 　　　　　　ah, the misguided desire to smile; 　　　　　　god pardon and accept me.

　　　　　　　　　　　 ♕

lights, camera, curtain! furina has arrived at the liyue harbor lantern festival.

please read below for more information on the details of her being here; i've taken some creative liberty to work her into the occasion as more than just her attending a festival out of curiosity, to provide more potential avenues for interaction!

ENTRER EN SCENE : furina de fontaine.

— it wouldn't be furina if we didn't start with the look. due to her reason for being here, she had a custom tailor, working together with liyuean fashion consultants, put together an attire in which she'll be seen in all public capacities at lantern rite. it's a marriage between liyuean and fontainean designs, and, as furina has heard that it is considered the year of the dragon, has many dragon patterns and motifs inked and embroidered throughout. she also has her hair done up ( its in its long pneuma look ) in a french bun with a few curled loose locks in front, and a gold hairpiece also in the shape of a dragon

— speaking of the reason she's here: furina is preparing for a new production that's made its way through fontaine's social buzz. it's a well-known liyuean opera that's reached international popularity due to a recent manhwa adaptation that took bookstores across teyvat by storm, titled grove of wild boars. fontaine is putting together their own stage adaptation, and furina is serving as a consultant to the director, who, while talented, is still young and inexperienced with the industry. she's here with most of the production crew mostly on research, and the timing just happened to line up with lantern rite. so why not enjoy both!

— though furina will also be busy with production research, she enjoys social and lively atmospheres, and will rarely say no to being approached or introduced to a new experience. she'll most likely be found: around the opera houses and venues; around the nearby areas both urban and wilderness with the production crew; any stand selling sweets; ( occasionally ) squirreled away somewhere quiet and remote to have a moment to decompress

inbox :　open for interactions! dont gotta ask just yeet em in i want to emphasize i'm going to be doing all event interactions as minis with a 250 wc challenge to keep things manageable for myself below are also some specific plot ideas i'm tossing out if you'd like to do something more unique and plotted! please leave a comment with the symbol if you're interested in grabbing a specific plot and i'll get back to you ( it also helps if you leave ur discord if ur comfortable. if not, i'll tumblr dm you )

🍨 after sampling xinyue kiosk's dessert stand, she has to experience the full dining experience at the restaurant herself, especially after learning about its gourmet, luxury service and ambiance! but for a once-archon, for whom attending lavish banquets was once bread and butter, furina finds herself . . . unable to justify the cost of it now, even without chevalmarin's scolding. but she looks so forlorn out there, eyeing the menu. won't you take pity on her?

🐦‍ plenty in the team had told léandre it wouldn't be a good idea to bring his umbrella finches on the trip, but the director-slash-bird-enthusiast simply couldn't bear the thought of leaving his beloved pets behind. and in an unexpected accident, the completely-expected happened — startled by the wild popping of liyue's firecrackers, the birds escaped their cage! all five of them. and you, for one reason or another, have been pulled into helping retrieve them.

💎 while on a walk on some quieter rural roads outside the city, the jade pendant furina had bought earlier in the day suddenly shatters around her wrist. isn't it supposed to be indestructible? —what furina doesn't realize is that jade is meant to ward away evil. only, the evil now fast approaching was far too strong for one measly jade piece to handle.

🕯️ the adepti are such a core part of liyue's cultural shaping and belief system that furina felt the need to visit one of the shrines and pay her respects. only, she can't help but feel that something doesn't sit right about a fake ex-archon offering prayers to a divine being. you catch her in such a rare state of conflict and hesitation, otherwise alone. ( a ruminative, melancholy angled prompt )

🎭 the production crew has secured vip seating for a showing of auspicious dragon and phoenix, performed by the celebrated yun-han opera troupe at heyu tea house: a hard to come by opportunity particularly during lantern rite season when just viewing the traditional masterpiece is said to bring good fortune. only one snag: they need just one more member in their party to qualify for large group price discounts, which they could sorely use given their allotted funds. who'd pass up the chance, right? come attend an opera with furina!

#「　 ✦✧　𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆¸ 𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆　/　production notes. ♕　」#GHLanternRite2024 #the prompts aren't exhaustive so if you have other interaction ideas that aren't here suggest them !!#i'll ofc take asks and interacts that aren't any of these also #i'll still send things to others if and as ideas strike me hehe

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pixeljade · 20 days

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its not a good look to ask trans girls who were traumatised by rhps and its fans to “get over it”

Hi here is your reading comprehension score for this exam:

F ("How Dare You Say We Piss On The Poor" level)

Nowhere, NOWHERE, did I say anyone had to "get over it"! See you even put it in quotes, which is hilarious because its not a quote from anything I said!

What I *said* is that I dont think I should have to justify my love of it! I'm a trans woman myself, and I felt *empowered* by it! But I even DID justify it, as I said in the post you're referring to, I think there's strength in embracing the narrative the non-queers have painted for us in a fictional, comical setting! It has made me feel far more comfortable being myself, even though that "myself" is nothing like Frank N Furter.

I genuinely am sorry it traumatized you but that is not my fault, nor is it RHPS's fault! As someone who has extensive personal experience with PTSD, if it traumatized you it was probably less the movie itself and more the circumstances surrounding it. Maybe you watched it when you were too young to handle it? Maybe it was presented to you as something it wasnt? Maybe you weren't prepared properly for what it is, going in? Maybe you simply werent prepared to engage with the movie on a truly critical level? That last one sounds harsh, but considering you jumped to me saying "get over it" when I simply said "I shouldnt have to defend my love for it", you clearly DO struggle with that aspect. I mean that with sincere understanding; it can be hard to manage with these harder topics.

It's definitely not as simple or dismissively rude as "get over it", but look. I have PTSD from seeing a man get shot in the head (amongst other things)! Do I fault every single portrayal of a person getting shot in the head? Do I get to go around judging everyone who enjoys movies that show such content? No, that would be extremely self-centered of me! Plus, a world where we say or imply every media which is potentially triggering or traumatizing is evil is one where censorship reigns. And censorship, buddy? Its always gonna come for the queers first. This mentality of "problematic media" is fueling the movement to ban books featuring our experiences, because its the same exact panic of "oh god think of the VICTIMS of this media!" The media isnt to blame, and your attempt to blame it isnt a reasonable approach to your trauma. Your trauma didnt make you do that; your desire to run from your own problems did. And I will not coddle that. If that bothers you the unfollow button is in the top right. I daresay if you cant enjoy dark comedy or critical readings of nuanced queer rep then you wouldnt enjoy my blog in general.

#sorry this is a bit unkind of a response but this was incredibly unkind of an ask.#this blog is MY HOUSE and in MY HOUSE we enjoy shit like RHPS #i will not change it to suit someone who wont even come off anon. let alone someone with such piss poor reading comprehension #how dare you say we piss on the poor

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shadowwolf146 · 2 months

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For someone who went to school to be a journalist I sure fucking suck at following through.

So my mom's asked me idk how many fucking times the last few weeks to cut my sister's nails. (She can't do it herself cause shes disabled.) And I didn't. I forgot or I remembered late at night when she was asleep (neither of those are good excuses for me since I dont have anything that makes remembering shit hard) and to cut a long lecture/yell short I fucked up. My sis scratched herself up in her sleep and she scratched mom too, both could've been prevented by me doing the one thing I was asked to do. Problem is that my sister's caseworker people are allowed random inspections whenever so if they show up and my sis is all scratched up they leap to conclusions and take her away to a home somewhere where they'll scoop out her organs or steal her kidneys for other patients or r*pe her or other awful stuff I've been told. So then I got yelled at, (justifiably) because yeah that's fair (and I'm an idiot) and I really do hate myself cause I'm falling back into old habits of not following through or procrastinating when i know i shouldn't and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass. And then I end up doing it again and here we are. Long and short of it is I'm venting, I'm being a idiot who doesn't like criticism and I'm being a little bitch baby about it and hoping this will help me get it out of my system so I can...fuck idk, not do it again? Either way that sucked and I'm fucking being stupid and self depreciating and all that even tho I KNOW it doesn't help. I got nothing, just wanted to vent and didn't wanna tell my friends cause they'd just only have my side of the story to go on and thats not fair to my mom. All this to say that although she didn't intend to, momma did indeed raise a weak lil bitch. It's me. This isn't helping me FIX anything and Mom already clipped my sister's nails and screamed at me (again, fair this is my fault) so it's kinda over and I just gotta sit with it. I guess. How does ANYBODY DO THIS SHIT? Like genuinely. HOW? It feels like I'm always fucking something up and then I don't really know what to when I get called out and I just-DAMNIT. (So yeah I wanna be dead lmao)

Anyway nobody will probably read this and that's cool just getting my stupid shit out somewhere I guess. I don't deserve any pity for it either cause it's my fault and it's just my brain eating itself and shitting out bullshit I guess. So yeah.

#personal #shadowwolf speaks #vent #tw vent #tw suicidal ideation #tw passive suicidal #can you tell i have no coping mechanisms except food and wanting to be dead when i fuck somethingup #like that would help #my future therapist is gonna have a fucking field day #as a sidenote my blood pressure shot up while i was being (fairly) screamed at and i thought i was gonna die lol #everything was all bright and my hearing kept going in and out and i had to lean against a wall for a sec #needless to say i think I under those panic attack depictions a lot better now.#nothing quite like the whole world sliding into high definition and 240p simultaneously while your hearing and balance fucks up #really puts the world in perspective.#if anyone has seen tick tick boom and you know the scene where johnathan and susan were arguing and they they hig and make up and he #immediately begibs playing piano on Susan's back and thinking of how to turn the argument into a song...yeah.#elements of those feeling might end up in a story somewhere down the line #anyway i wish i was dead lol #(not really)#tw long post #idk why im even posting this #to delete

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nerves-nebula · 1 year

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I had an actual question for you but I don't remember what is was so... Is there anything random that you want to post about? Topics completely up to you! Doesn't have to relate to anything else on here, I just wanna know what's bouncing around inside that skull of yours!

OK BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT.

under the cut for a long ass rant about my opinions on the use of SA/CSA/and incest in fiction

so i've prolly talked about this before but it's been on my mind again recently. I really really dislike the way people think of sexual assault/rape/sexual abuse/incest as inherently more Life Ruining than other shitty things that can happen to you. it makes it hard to feel normal or talk about cause it's such a taboo, it's considered such a Horrible Thing. There are people who genuinely think you shouldn't include it in stories unless you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO which is WILD to me.

like i know the people who say that are usually just annoyed by seeing someone use SA poorly in their story, but frankly it always just made me feel like i had to justify why i would want to write about it. which is BAD. because no one should have to feel pressured to disclose their personal trauma- and even if you aren't traumatized that's just a stupid and annoying standard. and also makes it so that the only people who feel comfortable writing about it are people who dont give a shit or don't understand that they might be portraying it weirdly/in a bad way.

ANYWAY the point is that something that's helped me A LOT is to demystify rape & sexual abuse. especially incest. I have a kind of "it be like that sometimes" mindset nowadays, where it's like, yeah, that's something that happens sometimes. it's happened to a lot of people and will probably keep happening. it's not so terrible you can't say the words or make jokes about it.

it genuinely makes it harder to talk about my experiences if the person I'm talking to like, breaks down and starts crying just thinking about the fact that I've been molested. as if the world ENDED when I was 8 years old and now i'm just a husk of a person??? like nah man I kept living!

and with that comes a kind of acceptance of a lot of things tbh. like getting to this point meant that I had to stop shaming myself for all the feelings that come WITH experiencing sa at a young age. no more shaming myself for gross kinks, because i can't control those feelings, so it's best to just practice them in a healthy way where no one actually gets hurt or w/e. yknow? anyway, as open as i might be, talking about my personal kinks and which ones are and arent influenced by trauma is a step too far for me. so that's enough about that.

AND ANOTHER THING- I KNOW this wont happen any time soon, but I want more childrens stories with sexually abused kids. do you have any idea how much that would have meant to me as a kid?? Do you have any idea how seen I would have felt if kids were depicted as having gone through cocsa and STILL being heroes or going on magic adventures or literally ANYTHING other than being sad for a PSA???

so. yeah. that's what's been bouncing around in my skull.

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #sa tw #rape tw #csa tw #cocsa tw

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delusion-of-negation · 10 months

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gross and racist as hell for you all to dogpile and harrass a black trans person for calling you out on being a fucking gross pedophile/pedo defender, CALL THEM HOMOHOBIC for thinking thats fucked up, exclusively she/her him bc him being trans doesnt fit the narrative youre peddling, imply shes never dealt with transphobia or homophobia, CLAIM THEYRE RACEFAKING and then turn around and be racist as hell to them, and then evade their blocks to screenshot their posts and continue to try to start shit with him when hes expressed that he wants you freaks to leave him alone…. all while doubling down that being a p*do is ok as long as youre “non offending”. i have to laugh !

also, claiming that people who criticize you for being a p*do apologist are being homohobic to you, IS homophobia. dont equate being lgbta with being a p*do/p*do apologist. wtf is wrong w u

- a trans person, before you arbitrarily decide im cis, too

my brother in christ, the full context is linked here for y'all to see

we didn't "dogpile" anyone, what happened was somebody was posting, tagging seebs and commenting on posts, incessantly. specifically, falsely accusing seebs of being a pedo/defender, in response to seebs saying, very clearly, somebody who does not sexually assault children is preferable to somebody who does. it obviously was nonsensical, and I said to seebs that I didn't know exactly how, in the current political climate, people could go out falsely accusing random queer people of being pedos... then the random asshole started replying to my reblogs and telling me to unalive, then started sending me hate messages saying that too because, apparently, just saying "that's bullshit" warrants stupid harassment. having followers myself, this obviously led to those agreeing with me weighing in too, I can't and won't tell people to avoid expressing their opinions when someone harasses me. it's definitely not "calling me out" to send messages telling me that.

not to "they started it!!" but yeah, if I speak to someone about it actually being ridiculous that you're harassing them, and so you begin randomly harassing and suicide baiting me, I will respond.

again, you can see in the link, on every single post I used they, it explicitly says "any pronouns" and "I'm a boy and a girl" on there, meaning I didn't "correct" this person who said "she" because I'd literally read that it's fine to use that!! I said they were enabling a homophobic narrative, I said they prop up the "queers are pedos actually" bullshit by doing this, I made no claims of knowing any secret homophobia dwelling in their heart lmao. you read on the person's blog that I she/her'd them and didn't bother reading to discover that I actually didn't do that, you just believed their lies. reading the above linked posts will make it obvious how they are endlessly lying about the race of people involved and what they actually said - I didn't she/her them, and they cut up a sentence within seebs post, to imply something that clearly was not said.

not once did I deny their race or their status as trans/bi, again it simply is a crock of shit they're spinning, because they have this narrative to spin- I've linked back to everything said, I've made it absolutely clear time and time again, I've posted full screens for anything I referenced, whereas they keep vagueposting saying I misgendered them or called them white or even called them the pedophile (I did not, I was and am explicitly against doing that). everything they're claiming in their vagues is bullshit, and all the evidence is in actually reading the conversation, which is why I'll constantly link back to it and they'll constantly obfuscate it, bro. because nowhere did I deny they face bigotry, nowhere did I say anything about racefaking (white chicks is a movie about black dudes pretending to be white chicks, saying they talk as though they're auditioning for a remake is explicitly saying they're black talking like a white chick, please just go watch the damn movie).

similarly, I was never racist, I never block evaded, unless you are saying they also block evaded- they continued talking about me incessantly, lying about me, and I found out, so I screenshotted posts and corrected them, I never tried to contact them again, I simply corrected constant lies about me, meanwhile they did go around said block to keep looking at my blog too, referencing all those posts themself, so they did exactly what I did. if it's bad if somebody lying about me is shown to me and I respond, isn't it equally bad that said person evades the block right back? that's honestly one of the most baffling claims y'all keep making, it's a problem when I simply look at lies about me and leave you be, it however isn't a problem for you to tell those lies, message me to suicide bait, and keep looking at my blog despite those blocks?? speaking of hypocrisy, you're attempting (and failing) to dogpile.

being a pedo is okay as long as you're non-offending. like, yes I'll double down on that. heck, I'll go a step further, I think that any person who's committed a crime or harm deserves to have their liberty, life, happiness, etc, and shouldn't be tortured or harmed because of this stupid desire to punish everyone. I'm a victim of childhood sexual abuse and childhood abuse and torture when I was a child, and I put one abuser in prison, and it didn't help the person become better and kinder, they sent me what was really basically a love letter when they got out. I think a better system, where people get to learn how to be kind and then get a life that treats them well, is possible and should be strived for, and one a victim gets help to recover from what happened should also be, because right now the mental health system in my country (not america, which y'all also don't seem to have grasped) is dogshit. people who don't abuse kids are the outcome we want, so these pedophiles, they didn't choose to have that attraction, it is just a thing brains do sometimes, and when they don't rape kids that's literally the better outcome, that's the best outcome, because it really comes down to that or them raping kids- you can't read all minds in the world and detect the pedos and kill them, and that would be a fucking dystopian nightmare, so if you want to kill all pedos then you have to rely on them telling you they're pedos, I genuinely hope I don't have to explain to you why they wouldn't confess that to you if you were running the death squad. so that leaves us with either they don't rape kids, or they do. I like don't, personally. I think that's the better one. as someone who was an actual victim of childhood abuse. and additionally, two thirds of sexual abusers of children aren't pedos, according to the stats I found a while back, so eradicating pedos wouldn't fix the issues.

anyway, back to the topic at hand, it's not starting shit to make posts correcting the person lying about you, they started all the shits, every single shit I took was in response to the shits they're spewing out about me so fast that I'm worried about their toilet.

nowhere did I say "being queer is pedo apologia!" I said that the people falsely accusing random queer people of being pedos is feeding the "the gays are pedos! the transes are pedos!" lies the rightwing constantly spin right now. I'm not equating being gay whatsoever to being a pedo, I'm saying that people do, and that refusal to think about it while you lie and call random queer folk pedophiles for your internet tough guy points is just dangerous, potentially deadly, and feeding into rightwing talking points. it's another example of you refusing to actually read what I posted, similar to your little quip at the end that relies on the false claim there was a single moment where I denied that they're trans! to further demonstrate how bullshit it is, you should check who I'd compared them to... it was blaire white. a trans person. if what I posted relied on assuming people who disagree with me are cis, where would she fit into that? why would I bring her up? maybe because I specifically was saying them being trans makes those talking points all the more dangerous... because the right will be frothing at the mouth to say "even the queers agree with us!" so referencing an example of that happening is relevant. wait, that couldn't be the case, because that would mean I didn't call them cisgender at any point!! meanwhile they're calling natives white, everybody who disagrees with them white, implying we haven't faced homophobia/transphobia/biophobia ourselves, and lying through their teeth about everything, so look in the mirror, bruh.

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lazywitchling · 2 years

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If you dont mind me asking, how do I start writing down my practice? I've been a witch for years but I've never written down anything despite being obsessive about journaling about literally everything else? Have any tips?

IN ONE PLACE!!!

Please do not be like me, I have like fifteen different witch books, and I have useful information in all of them, but then I can never remember which one contains the information that I'm looking for, and WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.

But now that I've said that, ignore me, write it in TWO PLACES.

The First Place:

I have a "working grimoire" which is where I write down everything. Find a cool spell on Tumblr? Write it in the book. Find a list of correspondences you want to use? Write it in the book. Hear a quote from a movie that reminds you of your practice? Write it in the book. Thinking about doing a spell? Brainstorm it in the book. Did the spell? Write down what you did, what you used, and any relevant information about deities, moon phase, tides, friggin'... idk, wind speed. Whatever things you consider to be relevant to your spellcasting. (I used to write down moon phases, but I don't any longer, because it's irrelevant to my spells.) Simple journal entries, or detailed journal entries. Times when you saw evidence of your spell working, or you THINK you did and now you want to keep an eye on it. Divination you do for yourself. Or divination you do for others. It's a record of things you tried, things you found interesting, things you want to try, things that failed, things that worked, things you would do differently, things you'd do the same.

The rule about this book is that you CANNOT be precious about it. This isn't the beautiful leather grimoire that looks like the Book of Shadows from Charmed and makes you want to pass it down to the next generation. You'll be scared of that book, you'll be afraid to mess it up, and then you won't use it. Get a cheap-ass notebook from the dollar store, or get a pretty journal with paper that's pleasant to write on. Use whatever, as long as it's something you'll USE, and not just put on a shelf.

The Second Place:

This would be the nicer record. Now, this one's optional -- though... I mean, the other one is optional too. You don't HAVE to write things down, and there are successful witches who do not. (asksecularwitch doesn't keep a grimoire/bos/witchbook of any kind, I believe.) But I've found it useful and fulfilling to have a second book. And this one is the Fancy Book where I write down Things That Worked And That I Actually Use. They're the things I refer back to in my junk grimoire often enough to justify putting it in the fancy book. This is where I decorate and go nuts with the washi tape and scrapbook paper and shit. It's also the one I reach for when I need to look up something, because it exclusively contains Stuff That Works.

ANYWAY.

That's how I do it, at least, and it's worked out well for me. The junk book also works because it's chronological, so I can look through and be like "Oh this was my sea witch phase! And this is where I briefly thought about traditional witchcraft! Here's the one single page of Wicca I took notes on before I discovered secular witchcraft!" And that's always a nice little road map of where I've been.

#witch tips #beginner witch tips #witch books #grimoires

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dearweirdme · 7 days

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Last year? But Louis has been denying Larry since at least 2012.

Even if they dated, he certainly didn't want ppl talking about it and I dont know why ppl can't respect that.

I can see tkkrs following the same path if Tae and JK announce rs with other ppl. The thing about shipping a closeted couple is that is very easy to justify any interaction with either "each couple has their own dynamics" or "they need to hide". That's why is so hard for shippers to leave.

Hi anon!

There certainly is a delicacy that comes with talking about a possibly closeted couple, and that delicacy is often mistreated amongst fandom. It is something that I have thought about myself at times. What makes me personally talk about these things is that ultimately I want things to improve, and I believe that ignoring situations like this or throwing them under the rug will never lead to improving the way queerness is being accepted. When everyone turns a blind eye things will just continue on, and to me that is just not acceptable. So I try to talk about it with respect and I will never ever direct my words to Tae and Jk themselves.

There's a stark difference in people denying a relationship for personal reasons and in people denying a relationship for the benefit of a music label. One is for reasons of privacy and the other is forced upon them for monetary reasons. Denial is a very real part of closeting. When you look at the history of queer artists, there are many denials to be found. There are many stories of queer artists about having been made to deny or to act as though they were straight. Syco (the label 1D was under) has a awful history of abuse and toxicity, with artists coming out with their stories (forced substance abuse, forced closeting, etc..) even these days. If you think companies don't force their artists to deny and to pretend they're straight you would be very much mistaken.

It is a type of gaslighting in my opinion to lay the burden on fandom. Because way too often companies play into shipping. Too often fandoms get set aside as crazy emotional teenage girls who should not be taken seriously. It is a stereotype I strongly dislike because it is ageist and mysogynistic and it teaches young people that they are not to be taken seriously. Not all of fandom is young, but also.. being young does not mean that you are delusional. Being female does not mean that you let your emotions get the better of you.

There is a huge part of fandom that I dislike because they go too far and they lack a base of reality. Larry fandom especcially is very very difficult, and I can totally understand seeing them as delusional if you have only seen it from after 1D split up. But in my opinion there absolutely is a reason for people to believe Louis and Harry were together at one point. I'm not going to get into it on here (there's great places to go if you'd want to, but I don't feel much for having both fandoms arguing in my inbox).

#fandom shenanigans

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crackedpumpkin · 8 months

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Ohmygod bro good job getting your coffee cause I would’ve barely survived that too!!! Good looking people in general really just be paralyzing people for some reason 😭

Cafe hopping really is fun tho, now that I think about it I have a similar story too with fumbling words. I went to this craft store for the first time and was tryna look for string cause I wanted to make those necklace bottle things, I asked the two people working in English, and since they had a hard time communicating with me they literally ran to another working person then running back to find me in the small shop! I didn’t get string in the end but I got the bottle! Could’ve avoided that if I just spoke my native language- but I didn’t cause adults (the older ones in my family) usually made fun of me for it 😭

The little moments really make the big things!! Both of you, amazing writers, no lie. I’ve been thinking of writing too so is it okay if I ask what the advice was? /nf

Michael gets arc’d! No more chip docking! But genuinely based of you to put that much care into your characters and stories 💖

Yes please I didn’t even know fruit-ade is an actual word- I was just making things up-

i aspire to one day be that pretty.

Please the way I wheezed- fr though, never be afraid to speak your own native language! My second language is Chinese and I am horrible at speaking it under pressure. I even got laughed at by my boss - that's how bad it was lmaooo, but honestly i don't really care. I'm just happy it makes people smile and laugh at it alongside me^^

As for the advice given by blake, it was focusing about the small things that led up to the big moment! This is purely my own interpretation though, but essentially always justify their actions. For example, if i make babes fall for miles outta nowhere then it's a little sudden, right? There's gotta be some form of catalyst that caused it in the first place.

Especially in the situation theyre currently in. Neither are entirely sure what they are yet, besides employer and employee. Before even progressing to being lovers and stuff they gotta form some kinda bond first, right? So the main thing for me was how to justify each step in their relationship.

Aka, is it reasonable for them to warm up to each other by this stage?? Or are they still on rocky terms with each other? It's honestly a fun challenge for me to write, because it gives me a chance to put myself in their shoes more thoroughly.

Even irl, there's gotta be a catalyst to make you fall for someone in the first place, right? Maybe one day you notice their eyes are really nice, or maybe you like the way their laugh sounds. Even before that, it's the little things that they do to make you feel safe in the first place :) relationships dont form overnight, after all~

"i would need to read the full thing through but a good rule of thumb for progression is either feeling it out and reasoning through if their reactions make sense or making it clear that time has passed between chapters and giving it a little suspension of disbelief" - @buthowboutno-spamming

bro, when you start writing please tag me in it!! I would love to read your work, and i know you can do it!! Honestly take it from me - dont take things too seriously. Writing is meant to be fun, not stressful. Like, when blank canvas started out it was just for shits and giggles and goofy and fun. thats what i was aiming for the whole time, and i wanted people who read my fic to hopefully smile or even do the lil nose huff thing we all do when we find something on the internet funny ^^

I'll add on a little advice of my own - feel free to ignore it lolol, but essentially:

I find it really helpful to have some form of plan or outline for your fic. Mine s constantly being adjusted, but it helps so much when you write your chapter and maybe realize oh wait iwanna do this here and do that there, and you know where everything should go like a puzzle piece! Something else I'd say is that there doesnt always have to be drama lmao, sometimes a sweet heartwarming fic is enough. You're enough.

Again, the little moments matter, right? That's why in chapter five i just kinda did a little hangout session :)

And omg when i say i am thrilled to write michael's character arc fr. an eureka moment hit me outta nowhere and immediately i RAN to tell @theblindhag because she has been honestly nothig but supportive and an absolutely lovely human bean. Which also kinda reminds me: having a good friend listen to all the crazy ideas in your head is so amazing fr, and i hope you have/will find that friend. Honestly, feel free to send in asks whenever - id be more than happy to have a chat or chill out!

I'll make a post on the fruitade soon, its like 1am where i am rn lmao. keep your eyes peeled for it anon!! it's the actual easiest to make, trust.

As a little bonus extra, allow me to share a little moment from upcoming chapters :)

#CPRambles

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tonystarkfucksaround · 2 years

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Prompt: Erik giving Charles a bundle of flowers , but being really nearvous about it, because he was unsure if that was a weird thing to do, cuz Erik do be a bit emotionally constipated, but he tries🤗

Ps: Dont worry about not being accepted in the fandom, everyone is super nice!

Hi!! Thank you, truly - I know, this fandom is super welcoming and nice, one of the nicest I had the pleasure to join, I think!! I don't know why I'm so anxious 😅

And thanks for the prompt!! Sorry it got a little too long and hope you enjoy it ♥

***

There are flowers on his desk.

They are… nice flowers, Charles assumes, cautiously moving closer to the desk. Not that he knows much about flowers – but one thing he does know is that flowers don’t usually just appear somewhere on their own.

Well. Not in a vase inside of the house, at the very least. He brushes the tiny white petals with the tips of his fingers, intrigued, and wonders where they came from.

“Hey, Charles, have you seen—oh,” Raven pauses in the doorway and blinks when he looks up at her sheepishly, dropping the hand that was stroking the petals. “What’s that? You finally decided to liven up this place?”

She’s grinning now, and Charles sighs. Come to think of it, he can’t really imagine Raven bringing fresh flowers to the house, so he shouldn’t be surprised that she’s doesn’t know their origin either. Still, a part of him hoped that she could shed some light on the newest feature of his office.

“Not me,” he shrugs, and Raven’s grin turns sly; he immediately regrets his choice of words, but it’s too late – she stomps over and looks at the small bouquet with the kind of glee that never promises anything good. “I mean, someone probably…”

“Someone gave you flowers,” she sing-songs. “So who is it? God, I’m so jealous – how do you even do it? Less than ten people in the mansion, and you manage to get yourself a secret admirer! Why does nobody give me flowers?”

“Raven,” he complains, but he’s also chuckling, and – well, it’s his flowers, okay, so he’s completely justified when he lightly slaps her hand when she reaches for them. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything, and I absolutely do not have a secret admirer. I guess someone just decided that the rooms could use a little… fresh touch. Or something.”

“Or something,” Raven snorts and shakes her head. “That’s why your office is the only room in the entire mansion that has flowers.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, have you checked every single room of the mansion this morning?” he quips back, but Raven just looks unimpressed, so he sighs and runs his hands over his face. “Anyway, weren’t you looking for Alex? I thought you were supposed to train together today.”

“I was, but this is so much better,” she teases and jumps to sit on his desk next to vase, swinging her legs a little. “Come on, you know you can tell me! Someone’s got a crush on you! It’s so embarrassing.”

Charles rolls his eyes.

“Even if that was the case, how am I supposed to know? You said it yourself – it’s a secret admirer,” he grumbles, vaguely uncomfortable with the idea. It’s not that it isn’t flattering, or that it isn’t sweet – it’s just that he doesn’t exactly feel like dealing with some sort of teenage drama when he has to turn down the unrequited affection if it happens to be Sean, Alex or Hank.

“Yeah, and you’re a telepath,” Raven says and raises her eyebrows. “So it’s actually a not-so-secret admirer. Are you gonna tell me or not?”

“You know I never reach that deep into anyone’s mind unless I have to,” he frowns, and at least Raven looks somewhat apologetic. “And anyway, I’ve just came here myself. You’re the first person I’ve talked to since I’ve seen the flowers.”

“You’re no fun,” she sighs and stands up. “Nothing fun ever happens in this house. For all its worth, you’re probably right, and it’s just Moira deciding to decorate some rooms. Boring.”

She leaves, and Charles frowns, staring at the innocent looking bouquet and wishing it had a mind of its own so that he could read it and find out what’s going on.

No such luck.

***

For all that he told Raven the truth – he doesn’t read anyone’s mind on purpose unless he absolutely needs to or is invited to (which never happens, but that’s neither here nor there) — he can’t really help his own curiosity and allows himself to skim over their surface thoughts throughout the day. It’s nothing that he wouldn’t have heard anyway, he reasons with himself; surface thoughts are loud, he just doesn’t always pay attention to them or care enough to listen in.

Unfortunately – and predictably enough – nobody thinks about the flowers.

Moira is too busy with her own work, filing reports for the CIA and double-checking everything they managed to get on Shaw; Hank is absorbed in his progress on the serum, occasionally side-tracking to think about the Cerebro blueprints; Alex seems disturbingly set on getting into the garage and making acquaintance of the cars residing there; Sean is fantasizing about making his flight suit look rad, and Charles almost bursts laughing out loud at the pictures he sees in his mind. Erik’s mind is as calm and neat as ever, of course, not that he bothered listening in – Erik is probably the last person in the mansion who would think of bringing flowers anywhere, let alone to Charles’ study.

He stubbornly ignores the pang of disappointment that follows that thought.

He could just ask, of course – and he means to, he really does, but come evening, Charles decides against it, his resolve fading when he sees the kids chattering at the dinner, content and as close to happy as they can be, all things considered.

It’s not like it matters, after all; the flowers were a nice gesture, but it would probably be for the best if he doesn’t bring it up.

So he lets it go.

***

The flowers, he decides, are actually nice to look at, and he feels somewhat sad when they start wilting; naturally, the day after that happens, he finds them replaced with a new bouquet – this time the flowers are blue, and Raven squints at him when she sees them, so he shoos her away from the study before she starts a new round of interrogation. He can feel her mind buzzing with curiosity and puzzlement; he’s not much better off, truthfully.

Still, it’s nice, and he decides not to question it further.

***

Two weeks after the first bouquet appeared on his desk, Charles wonders if he should be concerned that he’s getting used to it.

He’s getting new flowers every few days without a hitch; it’s never something big – mostly garden flowers, the bouquets always rather modest, and he doesn’t think that there’s any hidden meaning behind them, after all. Just something to make him smile and to make his stuffy study feel somewhat brighter, somewhat more welcoming.

He wishes he could thank the person behind it, but whoever it is, they never as much as hint on it, so they probably don’t really want to be acknowledged at all; he respects it, even if the curiosity still eats at him.

The night he finds the flowers on the windowsill in the den he and Erik play chess in, he’s not so sure he wants to respect that wish anymore. He stops in his tracks as soon as he enters the room; Erik is already there, occupying one of the armchairs in front of the chessboard, looking calculatingly relaxed, as always. He follows Charles’ line of sight and arches an eyebrow.

“Ah,” Charles says. “The flowers again.”

“Again?” Erik inquires, and Charles rubs at the back of his neck, suddenly embarrassed and slightly annoyed.

It has nothing to do with the fact that Erik would probably find the idea ridiculous. It definitely has nothing to do with the fact that he might have been pretending that the flowers came from him and that now he wouldn’t be able to, because it couldn’t be farther from truth, which would be all the more obvious now that Erik is here to scoff at it.

“Oh, it’s just that there seemed to be an occurrence of flowers appearing in my study for the past couple of weeks, you see,” he says, as nonchalantly as he can manage. “I suppose someone wanted to freshen up the place, although Raven seemed to be of the opinion that I acquired a secret admirer… ridiculous, isn’t it?” his laugh is a little strained, and he shakes his head, walking to the window to take the vase away.

“So you don’t like the flowers?” Erik asks, making Charles halt. He’s frowning when Charles turns to face him, and his mind is carefully blank – he can’t make what Erik is thinking about without prodding further, and he promised not to. It’s his turn to frown.

“It’s not that I don’t like them,” he admits with an uneasy chuckle. “They’re… nice, and it’s a nice gesture – it’s just that I can’t figure who keeps bringing them and why. I mean, I appreciate it, but I guess I don’t want to… give the wrong idea to whomever is doing it.”

Erik is no longer frowning, and his face is as blank as his mind is.

“How can you give someone the wrong idea if you don’t even know who they are? Clearly they don’t expect anything from you.”

He won’t meet Charles eyes. Charles’ frown deepens, and he walks back to the chessboard slowly, cautiously.

He can’t hear Erik’s thoughts, but he’s so tense it’s a wonder he can’t hear the air vibrating around him.

“Erik… what are you saying?”

Erik clenches his jaw.

“I’m just saying that if it—bothers you. Maybe you should have said something sooner. I’m sure that—whoever keeps bringing them—wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Charles glances at the flowers; they’re blue again – like they frequently are, -- and unwittingly he catches a lingering whisper, just like your eyes.

He takes a sharp inhale, and he knows that the mortification he feels doesn’t belong to him – because in his chest something hopeful blooms, something warm and light and almost giddy, leaving him lightheaded and anxiously excited. Before he can stop himself, he reaches out, brushes against Erik’s mind, unrestrained in his sudden joy; nothing much – just a warm, gentle touch, joyous and wondrous, and finally, finally Erik’s eyes snap up to his, widening slightly in realization.

The mortification dulls, and Erik slowly breathes out. He’s still embarrassed – Charles can see it clear enough on his face, where the flush touches the top of his sharp cheekbones, doesn’t really need to reach further into his mind, but Erik wordlessly opens up, almost shyly, offers him a faint impression of putting the flowers on the desk after his ungodly early morning runs. He’s so nervous about it – anxious both of his own feelings and of the way he chose to express them, angry at himself for realizing how weird it is and for not being able to come up with anything better, too unsure, too afraid of rejection, irritated beyond reason for fearing it in the first place, for feeling anything in the first place – that Charles almost stumbles on his way to his chair, overwhelmed by his emotions.

He bites back the elated laugh, because laughing right now would be the worst possible reaction he could offer in return – but he can’t quite tone down his splitting grin as he leans into Erik’s space, just shy of straddling his lap.

“I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea,” he says, beaming, “because I couldn’t possibly return their affections – not when I’ve been interested in someone else for quite some time now.”

Erik looks at him, dumbfounded, and this time, Charles knows that his mind is blank not because he’s trying to shield it from him – but because he doesn’t know what to think.

Oh, to hell with it. He drapes himself over Erik, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and grinning when Erik automatically clutches his hips to hold him more securely.

“I loved the flowers, Erik,” he whispers in his ear and smiles when Erik shudders, gasping softly. “I would’ve loved them even more if I knew they were from you from the start.”

#Charles Xavier #Erik Lehnsherr #cherik #xmen #fanfiction

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