#i dont. necessarily envy the way i was a couple of years ago. i was carefree and far more gullible and i guess that

[winderrific-moved]

if it wasnt obvious enough im having a night where i feel terrible and talk about it because i dont have the energy to regret it

#wind howls #trauma tornado #not even sure if this counts as trauma for anyone else because im the only one who knows what im talking about. #but i am talking about traumatic events i have lived. im the only one who gets to know them however. #maybe its because im in a depressive state where i feel especially disconnected/inhuman/lonely as hell but god #this sucks. everything sucks. i can only blame things on my aunts presence for so long. #sure her being here makes me uncomfortable but i dont know for sure if thats whats making me have a trauma night rn #i. feel like im failing at everything. lately it feels like im especially failing at any interaction i do. like #i feel like whenever i open my mouth everyone around me goes like [affection - -] like in the sims like everything i do just fucking sucks #so to prevent that i dont say anything. i follow along others ideas and only add what i need when im really truly needed. but am i ever ? #but sometimes i get a burst of bravery and i share my ideas and then get so scared and insecure that i never go into detail about them #and everything gets so much worse its like a vicious circle of Fuck This Guy #i dont. necessarily envy the way i was a couple of years ago. i was carefree and far more gullible and i guess that #in a way. im scared that ive hardened to a point where its difficult to approach me. the last thing i want is to be intimidating #but im so scared all the time that im afraid im pushing other away and god this really sucks #sorry im having a night i started thinking about so many things at once