#i doubt either of those things will happen but i can dream
The Power of the Ascendant
Aries/Mars in the 1st House: Born with the drive to make things happen. You have a pioneering spirit and aren’t afraid to get things started. Your personality is fearless, bold and can be intimidating to those that do not know you. Your temper is strong, appealing and demanding; never one to hide what they are feeling inside. This can either make or break you if you are in a leadership role. The Ascendant personifies what you will be able to achieve, and the world is a playground for you, because the Ram can easily make the impossible possible. You dream big and your dreams will be achievable.
Taurus/Venus in the 1st House: There is a larger than life quality to you that people cannot understand. You will be popular amongst friends and will charm those potential partners. Ruled by Venus, it is most likely that you will be gifted with beautiful features. Even if you do not feel that you are beautiful or attractive, others will see it. The Taurus Rising makes you the Hollywood Movie star that we all would like to be. You are the action star or the femme fatale. Your presence is commanding, you will be graceful to others and your sense of style might be envious. Of course, we must analyze the entire chart of the native, but generally, this placement is packed with positives that will allow you to take on the world.
Gemini/Mercury in the 1st House: Will be remembered through their creativity and intellect. This placement fuels the native with a drive to become recognized, even if they will change their mind the next second. Deep down you are powerful and imaginative but will also seem shy and reserved. There is a dichotomy when it comes to this ascendant, because it is hard for them to remain focused on one thing at a time. However, once they have certified what they want in life, the sky is the limit.
Cancer/Moon in the 1st House: This placement brings familiarity to the native. People will be comfortable around you, even if the Cancer Ascendant is introverted. The Cancer Ascendant is affectionate, confident and witty. In this position, you are generally adored and loved by everyone because you are genuine, and it is easy for people to trust you. Being a Cardinal sign, you enjoy taking the lead in environments that you are already familiar with. Not one to be afraid to speak your mind or take a cause that you are passionate about. The Ascendant is an enigma because multiple emotions can run through them in an instant and we will never know what goes through their mind.
Leo/Sun in the 1st House: Life is a challenge and you go about things differently than your fellow fire signs. What you see, is what you get, and you enjoy pushing yourself to the limit, as long as you have a close group of friends to cheer you on. This is an ascendant that does not back away from leadership roles or being in the spotlight for too long. They thrive when they achieve public recognition because it allows them to exert their will and power. The native should focus on using their powers for good to make much needed changes and to keep that beautiful ego in check.
Virgo/Mercury in the 1st House: Mercury is expressed in a more reserved way than that of Gemini. Here we see a native that is focused on improving themselves and the world around them through their skills. They enjoy bringing the problem solvers and do not mind lending a helping hand to those that need it. It can be hard for them not to beat themselves emotionally, because they want to achieve the highest of standards for themselves. A first-class perfectionist but this is also someone that tends to doubt their capabilities. Believe in yourself, because you are amazing, and the world appreciates your knowledge and good advice.
Libra/Venus in the 1st House: You are filled with grace and diplomacy. The native has a refined taste for things in the world and they enjoy experiencing life in a way that is relaxing. This is the placement for someone who loves to set practical goals and their work ethic allows them to reach to the summit. One of the most admirable things they possess, is a charismatic presence that makes them relatable to all. It is not surprising to see the Libra Rising with a powerful group of friends and usually they are popular.
Scorpio/Pluto in the 1st House & Mars in the 1st House: A powerful placement that makes for the brilliant tactician of the zodiac. The native is confident and self-assured in their abilities. They know what they want and go for it without fear. Very much like Aries, the Scorpio likes the challenge but will never be vocal about it. They do not like to be underestimated or viewed as weak. If people do see them in an unfavorable light, they will go out of their way to prove to their enemies that they are a force to be reckoned with. With time, they will shine proudly like the Leo and will be remembered for their achievements.
Sagittarius/Jupiter in the 1st House: The philosopher of the zodiac. The Sagittarius rising is the life of the party but also a very serious scholar. They understand the workings of the world, since their heart is constantly traveling through the spiritual plane and occasionally they will literally be traveling all over the world. This is a native that fits seamlessly everywhere, because, like the Gemini Rising, they want to learn a lot about everything and everyone. Religious texts, philosophical theories and people all are of great interest to them.
Capricorn/Saturn in the 1st House: Reliable and hardworking from an early age, this placement makes for someone that is very afraid to lose control. They try their best to abide to the rules and the law, they understand what it means to be responsible from early on and tend to apply it to major aspects for their lives as they get older. Here we have Saturn expressing itself in a way that will feel restrictive to the native. With time, they will learn to loosen up and have fun because life is much more palatable when you take breaks and breathe every once in a while.
Aquarius/Uranus in the 1st House & Saturn in the 1st House: An individual that enjoys expressing their ideas and their sense of style. Nothing deters the Aquarius ascendant because they have the ambitious drive of Saturn dominants with the visionary aspect of Uranus. They were created to alter, shift and help transform the collective. Aquarius is an individual, charming and resolute and will be remembered by everyone. You wear many masks as a form of protection or maybe you just enjoy the deception that goes along with it. Many wonder who you are because there is an air of mystery that goes with you. When people want someone to express the thoughts that they fear to disclose, you do not mind speaking out and sharing your true feelings.
Pisces/Neptune in the 1st House & Jupiter in the 1st House: You carry the incarnations of your past life in your shoulders. The weight might seem unbearable, but you always find a way to be optimistic even in the darkest times. Getting lost in your thoughts is a nice past time for you and it’s no surprise you might be a great story teller because your imagination can reach places not many people know. The guilt and burden might come out of nowhere, so you have to learn to forgive yourself more since you can be your own worst enemy. The world might see you as weak, but there is a resilience there that you need to tap on, because you are filled with exceptional abilities.
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Chapter: Meteor Shower
Summary: Family zoo date -- Not a date, date. Just a date, between friends, y’know?
A/N: Writer’s block is straight from the hands of the devil, but I am making up for it with a soft chapter. It’s seriously the cheesiest of potatoes. Send me love because I’m needy, okay?! Plus all your comments make my day.
***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are welcomed! Thanks!**
Bucky is in trouble.
The kind of trouble you can’t ignore, the kind that sticks with you forever and for once in his life, he finally understands why this kind of trouble is so addictive.
He’s not really sure when it happened. One second everything was fine, it was just him, and his comet and Bucky liked it that way. Then, out of nowhere, this shooting star came blazing into his life and heart before Bucky had any time for wishing. Bucky is so starry-eyed for Y/n he can’t see anyone but her sometimes and the way she talks to Ori? Even if everything else about her was awful and she wasn’t the most amazing woman he’s ever met, that alone would have him falling for her.
She’s kind, gentle to a fault almost, but she never talks to Ori like she’s stupid simply because she’s a child. She listens, really listens to Ori. Y/n makes sure Ori knows how smart she thinks his little girl is. She hears every single thing Ori says and is just as excited to listen to the story as Ori is to tell it.
And every time Ori calls her name, Y/n lights up as if she can’t believe Ori wants to talk to her.
That softness she brings to their lives stops and restarts Bucky’s heart time and time again. It’s not the only reason he adores Y/n. She loves Ori with a fierceness that could rival his own affection. Bucky knows without a shadow of a doubt Y/n would give her life to protect Ori. He can see it in the way she watches Ori on the subway, the fervent, protective hold she has on her tiny hand as they walk down the street and the way she faithfully guards every one Ori’s dreams – silly and significant.
Ori could be anything she wants in her eyes and not one of her fantasies sound trivial to Y/n.
Bucky doesn’t know all Y/n’s been through, but he’s thankful every time Y/n looked to the stars for guidance they led her to them. He’s heard whispers of the men she’s dated from Natasha. None were terrible, but they weren’t great either. They didn’t love her the way she deserves, and they often fell short. He wishes he knew who they were so he could thank them. He wants to thank them for being stupid enough to not see the amazing woman they were holding and allowing him the chance to earn her affection.
Ori skips along next to Y/n in her glitter tulle skirt, galaxy printed tights and her hair matching Y/n’s braid for braid. Y/n got ready in Ori’s bathroom before they left and she made sure to give herself the same braids after slipping on a pair of old overalls and those light pink slip on tennis shoes Bucky has recently decided are sexier than any pair heels he’s seen on a woman.
It could have something to do with who was wearing them, or it could be he’s so head over heels for Y/n that every little thing she does gets his heart jumping in ways he didn’t know existed outside of cheesy romantic comedies.
Bucky watches the matching set of braids work their way through the crowd as he follows close behind, but he’s learned to stay out of their way. The zoo has been quite a learning experience. He’s learned they both make the same high pitched giggle when they are excited about something, both girls would steal any of the animals at the zoo in an attempt to take it home because apparently they don’t get enough love from the zookeepers and should have their own soft beds with blankets.
He’s also learned both girls have zero patience when it comes to seeing cute animals, they can put down some cotton candy and their favorite pastime is teasing him.
The teasing has been worth every single moment so far. Bucky added roughly sixty or seventy new photos to his phone, and every one of them was Y/n and Ori. He managed to get a video of them jumping up and down in front of the monkey exhibit and took about twenty pictures when Y/n helped lift Ori up so she could see when some inconsiderate giant stepped in front of them. It didn’t last long, and before he knew it, he had a sparkling comet sitting on his shoulders begging to see the goats.
Bucky’s hand falls to y/n’s lower back without thinking, and he gently guides her around the group of tourists forcing their way to the front.
“Daddy we have to hurry, or we won’t get to feed the goats!”
“Comet, we have plenty of time, it's not even one yet,” Bucky chuckles and leans his head back against Ori’s stomach, letting her little fingers wrap tightly around the fallen strands from his bun.
“I’m sorry. She gets a little excited about feeding the goats. One time we stopped to have lunch first and ended up missing their feeding time by seven minutes. I didn’t hear the end of that for a week straight.”
Y/n tilts her head to the side and furrows her brow as if he said something completely outrageous. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you better move your butt, December. I’m going to be just as upset if we don’t get to feed the goats. I may even cry.”
“Please don’t cry,” Bucky grimaces, pained just from the idea of having to see her tears, “ I don’t think my heart can handle seeing you cry, sweetheart.”
There’s that sweetheart again. She’s starting to like the way it sounds rolling off his tongue, sweet like honey and if he’s not careful she might get addicted.
“Is that your weakness, Bucky?”
Bucky smirks and shakes his head, but there’s something in his eyes that says he’s holding back. He glances at Y/n and opens his mouth in what she hopes is Bucky spilling his secrets but Ori Squeals at the first sight of goats and any mysteries Bucky was ready to give up stay hidden away.
For now, at least.
“Sea lions!” Ori squeals as she rushes forward.
Y/n slips her hand into Bucky’ss and tugs for him to follow her, an excited grin on her face as she matches Ori’s squeal, “Sea lions, Buck. Let’s go!”
Bucky slowly tightens his fingers around hers and peers down at their hands linked together.
Who knew something as simple as holding a pretty girl’s hand could make Bucky dizzy? It’s never happened before and regardless of whatever Natasha feels for Clint or Steve feels for Sam, Bucky never really thought it was something he needed. He told himself over and over again he’s fine without a hand to hold but as happy as he was before she walked into his life, he was unquestionably wrong.
Get a hold of yourself. Y/n’s only holding your hand to get through the crowd, the voice in his head was eager to warn him, to guard his heart from the inevitable cold that will hit his hand.
They make it up to the glass barrier, but Y/n doesn’t let go of his hand like Bucky thought she would. He glances down at their intertwined fingers, and she’s holding on a whole lot tighter than she was only a moment ago. He gulps and looks back at the sea lions trying and failing to forget about the beautiful woman who is holding more than just his hand in her delicate grasp.
Bucky prays she never wants to let him go.
Y/n scoots closer to Bucky as the crowds file in around them and finds her hovering within his space, still holding his hand, but the other is wrapped protectively around Ori pressing the little girl back against her.
“I hate big crowds,” Bucky hears her grumble, and he’s not sure if she meant for him to hear it, but now that it’s out there his heart can’t let it go.
His fingers squeeze around hers as his thumb whispers over the back of her hand. Bucky is itching to wrap his left arm around her as more people surround them. He wants to envelop them both up in his arms to let everyone know they are together, but they aren’t together, and he doubts Y/n would be okay with that sort of display in front of Ori. Still, he wasn’t going to let her be uncomfortable, not while he could do something to fix it.
Bucky leans forward and whispers against the shell of her ear, “Don’t worry. I won’t let you get lost.”
A hint of humor fills Bucky’s words, but even without looking, she knows how serious he is. She leans back against his chest, taking solace in his warmth. She drags her pinky along his, and the most delicious words hit his ears, “Pinky promise?”
“Pinky promise, Beck.”
“Can we get ice cream daddy before we go home? Pretty please?” Ori begs as the crowd surrounding the sea lion exhibit starts to separate, looking up at her dad with what Sam calls ‘the uncle killers,’ her beautiful blue eyes as wide as she can get them and she has her sweetest smile turned up to a thousand watts.
Y/n turns around and gives him the same wide, pleading eyes but adds a soft pouty lip as she wraps her free hand around his forearm.
“Yeah, please, Buck. Please?”
One look from her and he can’t think let alone breathe. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to stay put when all he wants to do is lean into her and find out just how sweet her kisses taste.
Y/n chuckles and gives his arm a gentle squeeze, “Yeah, please? I’ll get you your very own cone.”
Bucky grins and gives her hand a playful squeeze. Why did she have to make it so easy to fall for her?
“What am I going to do with the two of you?” Bucky mutters as he digs around his pocket and pulls about a twenty handing it over to Ori because she likes to pay for things now.
“We still get dessert with dinner, right? I was promised burgers and milkshakes this mornin’.”
“Don’t be silly, daddy.”
“Yeah, don’t be silly,” Y/n echoes Ori’s sentiments with a chuckle and slowly lets go of his hand to take Ori’s. They both practically skip over to the ice cream stand, and Bucky can’t take his eyes off them.
“Looks like you have your hands full,” a gentle feminine voice calls from behind him. Bucky turns on his heels to find an elderly woman beaming up at him.
“I’m sorry, what?” She nods to the girls giggling and squealing loudly and Bucky chuckles at the sight.
“Oh, right. I guess I do, but I don’t really mind.”
She smiles kindly at warmth gleaming in his eyes and pats his shoulder, “Well, you have a beautiful family. Make sure you live in the moment. It goes by a lot faster than you think. Before you know it, that little one will be all grown up and it will be just the two of you.“
Bucky’s smile drops slightly as the woman departs. He hasn’t given that much thought, but she’s right. It won’t be long until Ori is out of the house and living her own, following her own dreams; only Y/n isn’t going to be there by his side because she’s truly his. She will have her husband and family and won’t be sleeping next to him till the end of time like he’s wishing.
He’s so lost in the spiral of panic his brain has sent him into that he doesn’t really Y/n and Ori are walking back until Y/n is standing in front of him holding out a double chocolate cone just for him.
Then again, she might be by his side.
“That lady winked at you as she walked away. What were you talking about?”
Bucky shrugs and makes a noncommittal noise like he hadn’t heard a word the woman had said to him. The word family shouldn’t be thrown around lightly in front of Y/n or Ori.
“Told me to live in the moment or somethin’.”
Y/n hummed in agreement and leaned forward, taking a big bite of his ice cream, grinning at the look of feigned shock and aggravation on Bucky’s face.
“What? Just living in the moment, December. Speaking of living in the moment,” Y/n points to the face painting booth and grins at Ori, “What do you think starlight?”
“Yes!” Ori squeals and races towards the booth, double scoop in hand.
Bucky stands back and watches as Ori gets a teal and purple butterfly painted across her face and Y/n, of course, has to get one done with her. They are two peas in a pod, trouble and maker. Partners in crime and they have to match. What’s a trip to the zoo without some cheetah print face paint?
“What do you think?” Y/n asks as she bounces up to him, a bright smile on her face as she tilts her head to let him see the cheetah print on her jaw and her right temple.
“Beautiful, but that’s got nothing to do with the face paint Beck,” He reaches out and weaves his fingers through hers, and she grins.
She just might be hanging around for quite some time.
Y/n didn’t let go of his hand again until they reached the subway. They even held hands all through dinner, much to Ori’s delight. The only reason she let go of his hand at all was so he could hold onto the pole grip while his other hand was busy holding a sleeping little girl with her head resting on his shoulder. Even though they were no longer holding hands, Y/n didn’t stray far from his side. She stayed close to the pair, and every so often she would stroke Ori’s cheek or brush her curls out of her eyes and Bucky fell a little deeper with each touch.
With every step, they made it closer to the bookstore and his car, the quieter they became. The darkened store front to Y/n’s shop came within view, and Bucky’s heart twisted. He doesn’t want to say goodbye yet. He certainly doesn't want her to go upstairs because she doesn’t belong in that tiny, dismal apartment. She belongs back at home with him and Ori. They should be going back to his place together so they can get Ori into bed and spend the rest of the night curled up together in the bed they share every night.
It’s too soon for any of that and somewhere in the deep part of his brain, where logic and reason are kept, Bucky knows that. Bucky would have to deal with the fact that in the morning she wouldn’t be there when he woke.
“I guess I should let you get her home.” Y/n smiles and nods towards his car that was left in front of her shop this morning.
“I had a lot of fun today. Thank you for letting me tag along.”
“Me too,” Bucky watches her picking at her nails and he puts his large hand over hers, giving them a gentle squeeze.
“I have fun every time I’m with you.”
She beams in response and brushes Ori’s hair back out of her face to place a kiss on her forehead.
“If you can, I would get that washed off her face tonight. Don’t let her sleep with that on. She could break out in a rash from the paint, or it could get on her unicorn. She would be devastated if something happened to Sparkles.”
Y/n looks up to find Bucky watching her with such reverence it makes the air around them flicker to life with a heated spark.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Would you want –” Bucky blew out a breath and shook his head. Here goes nothing, he thought.
“Thursday is my day off, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over and have a movie night with me. I’ll make you dinner. Just you and me…” Bucky’s voice gets soft and trails off at the end, if the street had been any busier she wouldn’t have heard a word he said.
“Just us?” She clarifies carefully.
The last thing she wants to do is to assume this is something it isn’t, but judging by the nervous flicker in Bucky’s eye, her assumptions aren’t so crazy.
“Yeah,” Bucky croaks, nervously clears his throat and eventually nods placing a hand on Ori’s back to keep her steady. “Ori hasn’t spent the night at Uncle Steve’s in forever, and I thought a night with just us would be fun.”
“Bucky, I would love to spend time with just you,” Y/n says earnestly and Bucky simpers, practically melting at her feet. She giggles and takes a chance, pressing a barely-there kiss to his cheek. It was so light had Bucky’s eyes been closed he wouldn’t have known it happened, but he’s so glad he didn’t miss it.
It’s already playing on repeat in his head like he imagines it will every night until he gets to see her again. Y/n pulls her bottom lip between her teeth to stop her grin. It is no help. The smile Bucky has caused couldn't be stopped for anything. She skips towards the tall black door beside the shop's front door, the one that leads to her apartment and she turns back to face him one more time, her fingers dip down to touch her palm and stretch back up in a simple goodbye.
He doesn’t think he will ever tire of hearing his name fall from her lips.
Bucky grins as he watches her disappear behind the painted wood, it takes a few moments before Bucky’s brain can wake his legs up, and he’s able to make it to his car. By the time he gets Ori buckled up, Bucky is already aching to see her again. He wants to see her tomorrow morning or at the very least for dinner. It’s moving too fast, he knows that but he can’t help it-- he’s cold without her.
He is so screwed.
Y/n barely made it into her apartment when her phone chimed from her pocket, she quickly digs it out and grins wildly at the message displayed on the screen.
[December]: Thursday is so far away. Can I see you before then?
“Oh, boy,” She whispers into the empty, quiet of her apartment as she quickly types out her reply. “What are you getting yourself into, Y/n? You’re in big, big trouble.”
[Beck]: Tomorrow? I’ll bring you lunch.
Previous // Next
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I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. On the one hand, it wasn’t The Absolute Worst version I could have dreamed up. On the other hand, it felt a lot like getting a bullet to the head rather than the expected slow agony of a Jigsaw trap. On the third hand, it just...
Well, yes, it was always going to be a tragedy. But beyond a satisfyingly curt [SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PROMOTION] on Jonah Magnus, Jon and Martin didn’t get anything at the end. No last second victory, no salt-in-the-eye to the Web. Nothing. We get to see exactly why the Web made Jon so forgetful of the lighter--blanking on Georgie taking it the episode before--and whatever Jon might have been planning against the Web, against the Big Fear Move, it was all torn away before he could even try anything.
The Web has presumably won its apotheosis. And it never, ever suffered a single consequence. We can guess that it likely never will. Which really is incredibly on point as far as existential/cosmic horror goes. The Cthulhu Mythos and similar flavors of grand scale horror are fearsome on a solely supernatural and unfathomable level. But this?
This we can and do fathom. We know exactly what the Fear(s) wants. We know what it is capable of. What it will do. And that isn’t where our misery comes from: it’s the fact that there was no way to win. No way to change anything. Nothing to do but pass it on to the next victim; or victims, plural. That’s what makes me sit back in agonized awe of it. Not any of the phobias made solid. Just the pure crushing defeat of it all. It’s a deflating, stagnant recognition of helplessness that twists the knife far worse than any mere bogeyman.
Jon did everything he could and failed. The only plan that ‘went right’ was the one the Web decided upon, which was designed to inflict itself and its kin on other worlds. The Only Success Allowed is the Success of Your Tormentor.
I will say I liked the implications of that last scene; that Simon Fairchild and the rest of the depowered sadistic avatars got what was coming to them. (Much as I still love her, I honestly hope Annabelle Cane suffered some severe Mastermind Buyer’s Remorse when she realized she was left high and dry by her patron. Whoops. (For Oliver’s sake, I hope he was either spared or was finally allowed to die peacefully.))
Much as I loathe all the “Hope-hope-hope-Let’s-make-ourselves-feel-better-by-pretending-we-don’t-know-we-willingly-fucked-over-another-infinity’s-worth-of-victims-hope-hope-hope-!” talk from the survivors, I do appreciate the fact that it is an ambiguous “end” for Jon and Martin.
No bodies likely means they went with the Panopticon down the drain. Martin had to kill Jon to make that happen. Which can mean one of two things.
1) Martin is with the Fears alone--hello brand new Lonely avatar status--unless he found a way to end himself too. That’s the short version. Very neat.
Which makes me doubt it. So we turn to:
2) Jonathan “Too Inhuman to Stay Dead” Sims bounced back again. This isn’t just wishful thinking talking. Not counting his survival post-Unknowing, he was still the most powerful thing on two legs due to the Eye and the Change ritual. Martin being able to kill him made nightmare logic sense--but in the presence of the Fears, sans Terminus, death remains a temporary state.
Jonah absolutely fucked off to the Corpse Roots in those final moments, may he rest in piss.
But Jon? Jon who was willing to sacrifice everything of himself since day one and was long past fear of dying? Jon who is the Eye’s Chosen Pupil? Jon who I’m sure in my bitterest heart of hearts is still far too ripe for torment for the Web to just let go, free from its strings at last?
I think this ‘death’ was as permanent for him as hitting the off switch on a tape recorder.
Which is all a long way of saying I think Jon is still alive with the Fears in their new playground, along with Martin. I honestly believe that. I believe this without any of the bells and whistles of wishful thinking. Because I frankly can’t tell--or don’t want to tell--if survival was a good or bad thing. Just that it’s very likely.
Thank you for the nightmare, Jonny Sims. It was horrible. I loathed it. I feared it.
I cannot wait to listen again.
For what it’s worth, Jon did confirm one important thing for us post-Pupil. The Web is making assumptions. Theorizing about what waits for it on the other side of Hill Top Road. It is likely we and all our interdimensional neighbors are there, true. But I do like to think that the fact of its obliviousness to what’s actually waiting there means it will meet something unexpected.
To borrow one of the Web’s favorite words, perhaps it is another smorgasbord of waiting victims, free for the taking.
Perhaps the Fears are not alone.
Perhaps, even if we do not get to hear it, there is some catharsis waiting on the other end of the chasm. A frightful realization made too late that perhaps the Fears were only ever a big fish in its own small pond.
And now that the Web has swam the Fears out into the open ocean with no way back, perhaps now is when they realize they were never the apex predators they thought they were. Only a schoolyard bully faced with the sudden presence of a threat, or threats, infinitely greater than themselves.
Perhaps they have finally knocked on the wrong door. And what lurks on the other side has happily, hungrily welcomed them in.
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Season 7 Review: Voltron thoughts from someone who finally got sleep.
So thoughts on the season: holy shit.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect this season, especially considering how wonderful Season 6 was. At first glance, it seems like this season might be one of those “either you like/or you don’t” seasons, such as Season 4, and I think it’s because it’s a lot different than we’re used to. But here’s some thoughts on what I liked, what I didn’t, and why the show is heading in the right direction.
We’ve been following the series so far through the eyes of the Paladins and exploring new things and a vast universe. But suddenly, we’re thrust back to Earth that is irrevocably changed in the most fundamental ways, and I think that, more than anything, really cements the fact that this show is winding down.
That’s a point here. We are in the tail end of the series. There’s no more character arcs to begin, only to tie up. The development has happened, and now we get to see it in action. For example, Hunk’s arc of how being a coward shaped him and having courage in the face of fear, and how he chooses to act on it. It was brilliant. We got to see Lance, who’s always self-doubted or complained, and how he was such a team player this season and had a bunch of opportunities to shine. It was amazing, especially for these two characters. We get to see them fully-fleshed out and real. And let’s be honest, I lived for their badass moments this season.
The season really had two arcs: the Road Trip Arc and the Earth Arc.
The Road Trip was full of filler episodes and some light-hearted antics, which were definitely needed considering the back half of the season, but it wasn’t pointless. It was all about building bonds between this group of Paladins and resolving issues such as “Keith ran away” and “Lotor” by bringing them to light and allowing them to be discussed. Granted, Voltron sucks at emotional scenes in some aspects and their fall-outs, so I’m going to take it with a grain of salt that these were addressed behind the scenes as well. That is one thing I wish we had seen more of was the issues addressed and fully resolved in front of us.
But a lot of it was building up the dynamics and relationships for the back half of the season. This is the first time we really get to see Keith as the leader and the rest of the team’s dynamics together, except for Season 3 when they were forced together and learning to work with one another. But back then, it was Keith trying to lead in Shiro’s shadow and the rest of the team fumbling with their new lion assignments. But at the end of this Road Trip Arc, we get to see how they work together and that they’ve bonded and might truly be a Team™ that can succeed.
The Earth Arc was the culmination of all of that as we got to see the Paladins work as a Team. It wasn’t about personal character arcs more so as the relationships between them and as a team in general. Sure, we got to see Lance and Hunk shine in their respective places, but it was about how far the team has come. The new powers of Voltron unlocked the closer they get--like that’s fucking amazing. At the end of this season, I can definitely say that it’s the first time this set of Paladins has come together as a team. And if you guys can’t see that, then you’ve forgotten the fundamental themes of Voltron.
In terms of character this season, I loved a lot.
Absolutely loved seeing Hunk take action and act on his courage. We’ve gotten glimpses of it through the seasons, but this was the one where we really concentrated on it. Him sacrificing himself in The Journey Within to get his team safety, trying to launch a rescue op for his family against everyone’s best interests. These are not things we would have seen with Hunk before, and I think it’s because it got personal for him.
A lot of people seem to gloss over the weight that Earth carries for Hunk, who’s always dreamed about coming home to his family safe and the world at peace, and he didn’t have to fight anymore. He even mentions in his daydream that he’d find a hot shot pilot to take his place with the Yellow Lion. But now they're home and Earth is invaded by Galra, and Hunk really steps up as a Paladin, which has arguably been his arc all along. He comes into his own. Not just a mechanic, not just a pilot, but as a Defender of the Universe.
Keith this season really shined as a leader of Voltron. Look, I knew he wasn’t going to be the supportive and plucky leader like Shiro, but that’s something we all knew. He’s Keith and leads in his own way, and I really enjoyed it cause we got to see his own development, especially over last season, and how it came into play here. Yes, he was snippy but that’s just Keith; he still did wonderful, and I loved seeing how Lance acted as his right-hand this season.
During The Fued, when they were picking who would survive, and Lance picks Keith because he respects his qualities as the leader, that was amazing, especially in terms of their relationship. It’s always going to be antagonistic, that’s just how they’ve always been, so the jests and insults are part of it all. You find similiar relationships through many shows and movies and books, but what Keith and Lance do have is a mutual respect for each other. Lance respects Keith and thinks he’s a good leader, and Keith knows Lance’s capabilities and trusts him to lead and use them in times of need. It’s very telling and very wonderful to see when you look back at Season 1.
Anyway, Keith just did a good job and I can’t say much more than that. I loved him.
Pidge, while there wasn’t a lot of shine team, really completed her character arc this season. She got her family back together, and everyone is alive and happy. And isn’t that what we’ve always wanted all along for her? I know that’s what she wanted, so I can sit happy. Her story is done.
Lance was brilliant this season. Yes, he did get called “dumb” many times, but that’s just something people have to come to terms with in cartoons in especially. Each character has a default trope that they fall back on, especially in times of humor: for Pidge, it’s tech; for Hunk, it’s food; for Keith, it’s emo/lone wolf; for Lance, it’s an idiot. That’s just how it works, but it’s the moments he shines outside of it all that really got to me.
We got to see him as a fully-fledged sniper and fucking bad-ass at it. We got ot see his dynamics with Veronica, and how he took charge. We got to see him lead the team when Keith ran off, entrusting them to Lance’s care. We got to see his battle instincts at play, we got to see him take the initiative and have a had in arguably the biggest battle the Paladins have faced, we got to see him really come into his own.
Lance’s arc has never been about him being the leader or being some smooth ass motherfucker. It’s been about owning who he is and becoming a team player, and how support is sometimes more important that the allure of leadership. We got to see all of these throughout the season - him playing support, him backing up the team, him protecting people, him leading. Like this the culmination of everything he’s worked for, and Voltron showcased it brilliantly.
Allura, I feel, will have a bigger arc next season. We’ve seen some of the final seeds being planted right now and stuff, especially with her and the Altean colony, but what this season really concentrated on was her becoming a Paladin. She’s always been a Princess, an alchemist, and this season it’s her being a Paladin. And she stepped into the role perfectly. I was so proud of her.
In terms of her and Lance’s relationship, I do wish we had seen some more development before we started seeing her reciprocation. However, the development for this relationship has been in the works since Season 1, and if you step back and look at it, you can see what a beautiful thing it is indeed. Despite what felt like a rushed culmination for Allura/Lance this season, I loved their moments. They were very soft and beautiful, and Veronica teasing Lance about it was amazing. The fact that Lance didn’t believe her speaks volumes about how he’s changed. If Veronica had told Season 1 Lance that Allura liked him, you can bet your ass he’d be sidling up to her and trying to get her out on a date. But he didn’t. He didn’t pursue at all. And that’s just gonna make the resolution so much more beautiful to watch.
Shiro was fucking amazing. I loved watching him step out as being a Paladin and come to grips with what happened to him. Becoming a Captain of the Atlas was epic as hell, and really highlighted what I loved about his character. He was just exceptional and his scenes were so interesting this season.
The Adam thing was a harsh truth to come to terms with. Inevitably, like we all thought, he died, but I do thing this does work in terms of the narrative. Adam, while he was in a relationship with Shiro, was a good centerpiece for understanding Shiro’s backstory and character more, and the fact that he died makes this much more real in a painful, raw way. This, more than anything, really cemented the fact that this show is about a universal war and people die, especially when they brought the fight to Earth, which makes it just as personal for the audience.
Killing Adam off definitely toed the line of the “bury your gays” trope that seems to haunt media like a ghost. I do think that it followed the “anyone can die” trope more so, considering what was happening, which was to highlight the fact that no one is safe in this war, especially with the Galra basically invading Earth. You saw that wall of names--it was a massacre. Adam was the one person from the Garrison that we knew by name that didn’t have a more prominent role, such as a a pilot of the MME’s or piloting the Atlas or being a Paladin, so he was the eyepiece into the idea that people died here.
“The Last Stand” is a two-parter that shook me to the core. Earth has been overtaken, people are in work camps, in resistance factions, at secure bases, or fucking dead. Adam was someone we recognized that we unfortunately had to realize this concept with.
Adam’s story is truly tragic, and I wish they’d spent more time with it. But like I said, this is war. And being LGBT+ does not mean you get a “get out of death” card. LGBT+ does not entail immortality, and LGBT+ people die in wars. It happens. But it sucks it happened here, especially because Adam was a stepping stone to Shiro being LGBT+ rep for us. But Adam got barely over a minute of screen time, and his role was to tell Shiro’s story. He was not a side character like Sam Holt or Admiral Sanda, but rather a tool in telling us what we needed to know.
I do wish we had more of him. I wish we saw more of him and Shiro. But then again, being LGBT+ is not the most important trait for either of them. Instead, let’s concentrate on the fact that Shiro arguably lost one of his closest friends, considering they’d been flight partners and friends before they entered a relationship. This whole thing is a bit of a gray area that I think... really couldn’t be avoided. People died, and just like other allies before him, Adam was unfortunately one of them.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT EZOR AND ZETHRID BEING A CANON COUPLE BECAUSE IM CRYING. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Overall, this season was definitely different than what we’re used to. Definitely more plot-driven and focused on the narrative than the characters, but we’re winding up and arcs are coming to a close. There’s not much else to do other than focus on how these characters interact with each other and show how far they’ve come. Plus the Earth Arc was arguably the biggest thing we’ve seen so far, so I’m happy we got the time focused on it to tell their story.
But watching them work as a Team and unlock secrets and discover new powers - it was so worth it. But what made this season so cool was that this wasn’t the Paladin’s story so much as Earth’s. And that’s something that’s been teased and wondered about for 6 seasons so far, and seeing it come into fruition was amazing.
People talk about how they’re leaving the fandom now because of much it deviated from the story we’re used to. And most of these are toting the terms “queerbaiting” and “promises” like we’re owed something from these people. Ships are not the focus of this show, and they never have been. This season shows this in prime form.
Voltron is about defending the universe - and that’s what they did this season.
I think, in terms of understanding the story and the characters, maybe people need to go back to the roots and explore what Voltron is all about in the first place. You can complain and leave the show if you wish because your ships didn’t get airtime and you didn’t like how they were treated, and you’re entitled to that. But just remember that this show is ending and these are the culmination of story arcs. They aren’t building, they’re tying up loose ends.
Overall, this season was good, and I loved it. One of my favorites because I get to see how far the characters have come and the animation was stellar so.
(Plus the Atlas scene remains one of the best of the entire show so kudos to the people of Voltron.)
(Best line of the show: “Well, I’m sorry, but I guess having my consciousness transplanted from the infinity of Voltron’s inter-quintessence into the dead body of an evil clone of myself has left me a little out of sorts for the past few weeks.”)
So definitely an 8/10.
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reasons why i can’t forget you
genre: boyfriend!au + five teaspoons of angst along with the fluff
group & member: NCT’s Taeyong
word count: ~12.5k
a/n: self therapy via free association in the form of a fic containing a piece of my heart for the man I’ve loved since hearing his voice first in ‘The 7th Sense’
brief synopsis: “To have loved you was my greatest joy in life, as your love is one I lose myself in without anyone to hold me back.”
“Let’s break up.”
He doesn’t understand your question, laughing it off with the familiar chuckle of his while reaching for your hand.
You shake your head and pull your hand away.
“I’m not joking, Taeyong.”
The smile on your boyfriend’s face fades and a shadow of frightened uncertainty dawns on his widened eyes.
“I… I don’t think I feel the same about you anymore.”
“Did… Did I do something wrong?” His voice raises an octave and you can hear the panic as clear as daylight. “Tell me what I did wrong so I’ll know not to do it again, I’ll make sure—”
You interrupt him with a firm hand on his shoulder and squeeze gently, careful not to hurt him but also with enough pressure to let him know you meant it.
“You’ve already gone above and beyond, Taeyongie, I just… I’m not sure where I want to go from here.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m lost and this cloud of murkiness only strengthens when I’m with you.”
Whoever coined the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is the biggest liar because breaking up with Taeyong only seemed to further pry open the empty space next to you that used to be his, an enlarging black hole of loneliness and pining that was the product of a breakup that hadn’t happened on mutual terms. Messy and a spontaneous outburst from your end, the remaining dregs of your relationship lingered in the form of endless phone calls and text messages from your now ex-boyfriend, no doubt pleas for you to take back the breakup and let him return to your side. The attempt to change numbers didn’t help and you certainly couldn’t avoid Taeyong as well as you liked to when your little brother was good friends with him. Mark worked closely with Taeyong for his personal SoundCloud, that sibling of yours fulfilling his dream of becoming a music star by investing all his time and effort in making songs and perfecting his rap skills while you were entrenched in university not knowing what you wanted to do in life.
One more year until graduation and here you were, sinking in quicksand with seemingly no hope for escape from the rut that was your emerging adulthood crisis; it is amazing how two paths can diverge so differently under the same living environment.
“Maybe you should go travel,” Mark suggests during his visit at your small apartment, a cozy little place directly above a coffee shop that was growing to be your daily favorite during your rushed mornings to campus. “Go see new things in new places to get your mojo back.”
“Easier said than done,” you scoff, shoving him off you. “What would I do about classes?”
“Doesn’t your university have those… study abroad programs? You know, pick a country and take some classes at a local university as an exchange student?”
The idea doesn’t sound like a bad one, but it’s not exactly something you’d jump the gun for either. So many factors had to be considered as well: location of study, duration of stay, program costs, possible adjustment issues…
“I don’t know,” you conclude. “It seems like too much.”
“Well, just think about it. Maybe you’ll change your mind later.”
“You little know-it-all.” You punch your brother lightly on the arm and he laughs heartily at you.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up doing it.”
Mark’s first reaction to hearing the news of your participation in a study abroad program two months later is a shout and loud “Whoa!”, an exclamation that has you moving your phone further away from your ear so you didn’t go deaf by his excitement for your decision to get away and spend some time in a place that was void of all things related to home and most importantly... Taeyong.
Hong Kong in a nutshell is rushed.
Fast transportation, seas of bodies crowding the streets, everything moved twice as fast in this Special Administrative Region separate from mainland China. As someone belonging to the more laid-back end of the spectrum, you had to learn to pick up your pace while maintaining efficiency to not lose yourself within the crowd. Not the easiest thing to do, but you managed to adjust rather well with time and blended in enough to not attract too much attention to yourself while still being a foreigner in the country.
Classes were different at their universities but you enjoyed being able to learn things that you couldn’t take at your home campus, such as Hong Kong culture classes as well as adding a simple language class to your daily schedule. Learning a new language wasn’t easy, but you picked up enough to get by and it simply became another entry way to making new friends when the local students showed surprise at your accurate pronunciation despite the limited knowledge in sentence structure and proper grammar. New place, new people, it was far more rejuvenating that you expected and most of all it was a place that didn’t make you think of Taeyong at all.
Talk about hitting two birds with one stone.
Fun as it was, you didn’t forget to keep in touch with family and especially with your little brother, Mark always picking up on first dial whenever you called him on Skype during the evening.
“Aren’t you glad you went along with it?” he asks, fiddling with a guitar pick in his hands.
You laugh and nod, giving him the credit for your amazing trip in Hong Kong.
“Do you want some extra souvenirs for that?”
“I heard the street food there is amazing, do you think you’ll be able to sneak some through customs?”
“You know, you can just come visit me,” you point out. “Hong Kong isn’t that far away.”
“Well, I just thought you wouldn’t want me to bring along Taeyong or something.”
“Sorry,” Mark adds quickly. “It just slipped.”
“How… How is he doing? Okay, I hope?”
“Good enough,” your brother answers. “He’s certainly not over breaking up with you and I honestly don’t think he’ll ever be over it but he’s managing. Not as mopey, for starters.”
“That’s… good.” You press down the urge to ask for more details about Taeyong and instead smile at your laptop’s webcam.
“Are you going to pick me up at the airport when my program ends?”
“Give me your arrival date again?”
You tell him the date and he nods.
“I’ll buy you a new guitar pick as my thank you, the one you’re holding looks kinda old.”
The person who comes to pick you up from the airport isn’t your brother or even Taeyong.
“Are you Y/N?”
You nod at the stranger calling out your name, taking into consideration his black beanie and the multiple piercings in his ear.
“Mark’s friend. He couldn’t make it and obviously you weren’t responding to the phone since you were on the plane, so he sent me instead.”
“Right.” His sassy tone turns you off significantly and you frown when he takes the handle for one of your suitcases, notably the larger one.
“Hey, what the heck?”
“I’ve got it,” he says briskly. “Unless you have another flight to catch then I’ll leave you right here and now.”
“No thanks,” you mutter, quickly following him out the airport.
“By the way, I’m Yuta,” the stranger grins, his pearly whites glimmering as he flashes a megawatt smile at you. “I’ve been wanting to meet Mark’s infamous older sister for the longest time.”
“Well, did I meet your expectations or were you terribly upset at your first impression of me?”
“You’re alright,” he laughs. “If you’re able to give me a witty comeback to my snark, you’re alright.”
After helping you move your suitcases up to your apartment, you treat Yuta to a soda and he wastes no time sprawling across your couch with the pop drink in hand, loudly complaining of the injustice in receiving simply a soda for his hard work.
“What, do you expect me to treat you to dinner?” you say jokingly.
He sits up, nodding in approval.
“That sounds about right.”
“Five o’clock tonight. I’ll come pick you up.”
“You really weren’t joking about the dinner thing,” you say when you open the front door at five.
Another megawatt grin from Yuta and he offers his arm.
You reluctantly take it and your mouth drops when you walk out to the streets and follow him to the motorbike parked on the corner.
“Get on, loser.” He approaches the bike and tosses you a spare helmet. “We’re going out for dinner tonight.”
“You must watch Mean Girls too much,” you mumble, placing your hands on his shoulders as you make yourself comfortable in the back.
“Might want to pick a more secure place to hold onto,” he chuckles, revving up the engine. “Because I’m about to—”
You quickly wrap your arms around his waist the moment he kicks off and zips behind the next car you see, quite sure he was going way above the speed limit but not daring to say a word about it. The wind chills the back of your neck but you ignore it as you tighten your hold on the driver. A surge of adrenaline surging through your veins at the high speed, you momentarily let go to raise your arms in the air but quickly hug him again when he comes to an abrupt stop in front of a red light.
“I could’ve died just now!” you say through the helmet, punching his shoulder.
Yuta gives you a nonchalant shrug in return and within twenty minutes you reach the destination for what you assume to be a dinner date. The small diner is set up conveniently next to an all-night arcade that boasted of neon lights and other jingles and in-game music from their multiple machines clamoring for the attention of gamers with coins waiting to be spent.
“I wasn’t expecting this,” you admit as he enters the diner, sitting down on a booth by the window and picking up the menu to glance at briefly before calling over a waiter to order. “Do you work here or something?”
“No, but I do stop by the arcade next door often and grew fond of this place.” He orders two sets of burgers and a chocolate shake for you.
“Your treat, yeah?”
He immediately adds two fries with the order and you sigh quietly, silently praying you had brought enough money out to pay for it all.
“You have quite an appetite.”
“Not gonna say no to a free meal.”
“I wouldn’t either.”
“I hear you used to be Taeyong’s girl.”
Your mouth tightens to a thin line and Yuta shrugs.
“I was just curious. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable talking about it.”
His order arrives in a jiffy and you dig in, the talk about your past relationship with Taeyong fading in exchange for chewing burgers and dipping French fries into ketchup.
“I ordered a chocolate shake with this,” he says after finishing his share of the food, getting up to talk to the waiter about the missed item.
“It’s fine,” you dismiss. “I’m quite full.”
“I ordered it because Taeyong said it’s your favorite. Hold on.”
Your fingers unconsciously curl together into a fist and when Yuta returns with the missed chocolate shake you refuse to drink it.
“What a waste,” he mutters, throwing the shake into the trash.
“What? You said you didn’t want to drink it and I don’t want to drink something I got for you, so goodbye.”
One eyebrow arches upwards in question and he leans forward.
“No,” you deny, ignoring the nagging voice in your head that was screaming yes. “I don’t miss Taeyong.”
“I can smell the bullshit from here.”
Throwing a glare at Yuta, you hog the rest of the fries and refuse to let him anywhere near it, stuffing each of the small potato slices into your mouth until the only things left are crumbs of golden yellow along with blobs of unused ketchup.
“I can’t believe Taeyong fell in love with a slob.”
“Swallow before you speak, gosh. Manners.”
“You know nothing,” you enunciate as clearly as you can after clearing your mouth. “So shut up before you jump to assumptions like that.”
“Hmm, I can still smell the bullshit.”
You choose to ignore him for the rest of the night and nod curtly after he drops you off in front of your apartment complex.
“Hey, loser. If you ever need someone to take you out, just call me and I’ll be right there.”
“Yuta, if this is you trying to flirt with me—”
He laughs and interrupts before you can finish.
“I know for certain you aren’t who I’m looking for.”
“Yes, I’m glad we agree that I’m too fabulous for you.”
“I could never stand having a snappy know-it-all like you for a significant other,” he corrects you. “Good night.”
When you finally reach the front door of your apartment, you fish out your keys and fall onto the couch the moment you enter, too lazy to do anything else after the late food and bickering with Yuta. He was an interesting guy, way too sharp for your taste but you appreciated his effort to keep you company and for helping you after you arrived at the airport when your brother had failed to pull through. A small part of you wondered whether Mark had considered asking Taeyong if he knew he couldn’t make it, but that thought fades quickly when your phone vibrates to indicate a message from said brother himself.
Sorry I couldn’t make it :((( hope you didn’t fight with Yuta or anything!
“I don’t fight,” you say in indignation as you text him back. “A lady does not pick fights!”
Yuta was a good friend, you had to admit. The sharp-tongued male from Osaka certainly had a way with maintaining a good conversation and you were quite surprised when you found out he went to the same university as Taeyong.
“Is that how you knew of me?” you ask him one night, the impromptu slumber party over at his place made dull after he forgot to order pizza along with the movie you had planned to watch. “Met Mark through Taeyong and now me?”
“I guess you can say that,” he says, heading towards the window. “The pizza delivery person should be here by now.”
“Speak of the devil,” you say as the doorbell to his apartment rings shortly after.
He walks over to open the door even though you were closer and in walks two people rather than one, the younger being your brother and the other your ex.
“We bring pizza!” Mark declares, holding up two cardboard boxes. “Can’t have a slumber party without pizza!”
“I don’t remember inviting more people?” Yuta frowns. “So...”
“Well, Taeyong called and said he wanted to hang out,” Mark explains. “But I was going to hang out with my sister and she told me she would be here, so—”
“That doesn’t mean you can crash my hangout with Yuta,” you interrupt, not daring to glance at Taeyong.
“But we bring pizza! And paid for it when we took these from the deliveryman downstairs!”
“Free food!” Yuta immediately helps Mark with setting down the pizza and eyes the six-pack of soda in Taeyong’s hands.
“Don’t just stand there, come in!”
“Fake,” you mutter under your breath, giving Mark the stinkeye while you reached for a slice of pepperoni pizza that just happened to be the slice Taeyong was going for. Your fingertips touch and you take your hand away, gesturing for him to take it while you set your eyes on a different slice.
“Okay, let’s watch a movie!” Yuta shouts as he strategically takes a seat on the couch and gestures for you to sit next to him while Mark sits on your left, leaving Taeyong to take the space on the other side of Yuta. “What’s the featured presentation, loser?”
“The first Harry Potter movie,” you answer. “I haven’t seen it in a while and thought it’ll be nice to rewatch it.”
“What Houses are you all in?” he asks in follow-up. “I’m a Slytherin, for sure.”
“Mark’s probably a Gryffindor,” you offer. “He fits that image.”
Your brother stammers at your conclusion and Taeyong adds on something you can’t catch as you get asked your House.
“I took the quiz and got Hufflepuff.”
“Same as Taeyong!”
You freeze and Taeyong nods.
“Yeah, I’m Hufflepuff too.”
The impending silence thickens the air and Yuta is first to break the tension by clicking the Play button on the remote, the familiar tune of the franchise playing on screen as the movie begins. At certain intervals, you find yourself sneaking glimpses at Taeyong, something about his appearance different than what you remembered prior to your breakup. The hair color was a noticeable change for sure—the fiery red a stark contrast from his usual dark locks—but there was something else. Something more that you're unable to pinpoint and the nagging voice at the back of your head didn’t help in making your curiosity go away at all.
You’re not sure how much of the movie you managed to actually watch when the end credits make their way onscreen, but luckily you had watched it before, so it wasn’t really that big of a deal that you didn’t pay attention to it when someone else was preoccupying your mind the entire time.
“Pizza for breakfast tomorrow,” Yuta mumbles sleepily after shutting off the television. “Come on Mark, we should get ready for bed, I’m beat.”
“I’ll clean everything up,” Taeyong offers. “You have class tomorrow.”
“I can help too,” you chime. “Two pairs of hands clean faster than one.”
Mark nods slowly and follows Yuta upstairs, leaving you and Taeyong alone downstairs.
“Okay,” you begin, rolling up your sleeves. “I’ll clear the trash and you can pack up the leftovers?”
You approach your tasks separately, first tossing all the oily plates, soiled napkins, and other tidbits of disposable plastics and such into a white trash bag and tying it up before locating the broom to sweep up any crumbs that had fallen onto the hardwood floor. Thank goodness Yuta’s apartment didn’t have any carpet because you hated to vacuum.
“Do you need help?”
You shake your head and gesture to the bag of trash by the door.
“Just need to take out the trash.”
“I can do that,” Taeyong says before you can object. “Be right back.”
When he returns, you’re finally able to spot the difference in his appearance that had your brain clogged from earlier, the sparkling silver dangling from his left ear unmistakable of new piercings that he didn’t have before.
“You got piercings in your ear, Taeyong.”
He nods shyly. “Do you like them?”
“They suit you well, actually.”
“I was really scared but I think it was a good choice to get them.”
“Two at once?” you ask, eyeing his lobe and helix.
Taeyong smiles and your heart stirs at seeing the soft gesture, a look that you hadn’t seen since your departure six months ago to Hong Kong.
“New year, new you,” you joke, trying to change the topic. “I won’t be surprised if you get more like Yuta.”
“I don’t have the guts for that.”
“You never know. Maybe someday you’ll get something wild like a lip piercing.”
He pauses, picking his words carefully.
“Are you… Are you and Yuta dating?”
The idea of dating Yuta brings a snort and you wheeze from the strong laughter vibrating in your stomach.
“You and him seem very close.”
“Mark sent him to pick me up from the airport when I came back and we became friends after that.” You then scowl at recalling your first encounter with him. “He calls me a loser, that asshole.”
“Airport,” he echoes. “Did you leave the country?”
“Oh, I went to Hong Kong for six months.”
If he could connect two and two together to link your departure as a product of your breakup with him he didn’t show it, instead nodding as if all his questions prior had finally received an answer.
Another awkward silence and Yuta’s head pokes from the top of the stairs.
“Go sleep already after you’ve finished cleaning! I have to wake up early tomorrow for a gig.”
“Okay,” you grumble, sticking your tongue out at him. “Want to tuck me in, Mom?”
“In your dreams, loser.”
“I’m going to sleep here,” Taeyong begins, patting the couch. “Good night.”
“Um, okay,” you stumble, tongue tied up just when you were about to make your way to the spare room belonging to Yuta’s second and third roommates, both out for the weekend hence Yuta’s permission for you to sleep over in their room for the night. “Good night then.”
You change out of your day clothes and the room seems to have shrunk, the four walls almost closing in on you completely as you remain curled in a ball alone while Taeyong was outside sleeping on the couch. Twisting and turning to make yourself comfortable, your eyes stay open for what must have been another hour before you tiptoe outside towards the living room, silent tears leaving your eyes at seeing the man you still loved with all your heart with his back turned against you on the couch.
I’m sorry for hurting you when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.
One more week of doing whatever you pleased and then came the return to the real world, school and work and everything else that had been plaguing your mind in addition to you-know-who. Filling friends in on your adventures was fun, picking up on schoolwork not all pleasing as you suppress a groan at the collection of syllabi you’d picked up on the first day, the mentions of final essays and group projects absolutely revolting. Working alone was a lot easier than having to deal with other people and adjust yourself to their liking for the sake of a grade.
Now that you thought about it, perhaps it was the same for your relationships. Maybe the reason you wanted space from Taeyong was because it was just easier for you. Easier to get to know what you wanted and easier to tell who was to blame for the mishaps from the breakup with the return of your hermit-like personality, not one to go out from the start and even less so when now there wasn’t anyone to push you to step outside for fresh air and a nice walk in the sun. No one to remind you to drink enough water during the day and to eat three meals instead of condensing two into one or not eating altogether for the sake of time. These little reminders were regular with Taeyong and now it seemed strangely empty to not be nagged like a misbehaving child anymore.
Do you miss Taeyong? Yes.
Do you want to get back together with him? Seemingly y—
“That looks horrendous.”
“Tell me about it,” you complain to Yuta, plopping your head against his shoulder. “I can’t do it, asshole, it’s too much.”
“Don’t be such a loser, you got this,” he fires back, shoving you off him as he gets up from the table. “You just need a bit more confidence in yourself.”
“If you haven’t noticed already, I’m naturally lacking in that department.”
“I know. That’s why I’m setting you up on a blind date with one of my roommates.”
“You heard me.”
“Yuta!” Your hands curl into fists and they come pounding on your friend’s chest. “What the hell did you do that for?”
“You need to go out more. Stop being such a hermit and actually talk to more people!”
“I already have people I talk to.”
“Different people! Not just your brother and your girl friends from school. Guys!”
“I’m not interested in a relationship right now.” The thought of Taeyong and his dangly earrings flashes into your mind and you shiver.
“Just think of it was making a new friend,” he insists. “Please, Y/N, just go.”
“… You were offered something to set this up, weren’t you?”
The Cheshire Cat grin that follows revealed it all and you sigh. It probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to his roommate even though you weren’t sure which one it would be. It probably would turn out alright.
“Fine, I’ll go.”
“Life saver! I’ll send you the address later.”
“Are you leaving already?” you ask.
“Work starts in 30 minutes; I should’ve left an hour ago. There’s traffic at this time.”
“Well, can you at least tell me a little bit about this dude so I won’t be sitting there awkwardly when I first meet him?”
Yuta scoffs, shaking his head.
“Trust me, if you can handle getting shit from someone as amazing as myself on the daily, you’re going to be just fine.”
“… I hate you, you dumb piece of shit.”
“And you’re the ultimate loser, loser, so it’s a draw.”
You fidget in your seat as you wait for your date to arrive, fingers playing with the bracelet on your left wrist. So far no sign of someone wearing a yellow sunflower on his lapel, a rather corny choice of accessory but easily recognizable amongst the multiple roses already here—clearly the more popular choice for flowered décor.
“Strawberry hair clip,” a voice sounds from behind you. “You must be Y/N?”
You nod in the affirmative at seeing the sunflower and introduce yourself properly to Yuta’s roommate, the youngest in their trio who smiles as when he finds out you’re the same age as him.
“When’s your birthday?” he asks curiously.
“You’re older than me by only a month,” he laughs. “That’s amazing.”
This guy, he seems alright.
You smile in return and ask for his name.
“Oh my bad, I’m Jaehyun!”
Jaehyun was different from Taeyong in that he didn’t nag you like a kid, but rather gave reminders that you could either accept or refuse, and it wouldn’t be his fault if things went wrong because he had already told you so. Take the instance you went out in a white blouse and black miniskirt for dinner, the splatter of red stains on the white shirt completely your fault when you hadn’t listened to his warning beforehand that eating spaghetti would get messy. The chills on your bare legs after walking in the freezing wind at night didn’t help either since you didn’t think you needed an extra jacket when it had still been warm during the early evening when you first left your apartment. Warnings were given and you didn’t bother to listen, it was simple as that.
“Do you always need extra supervision?” he laughs as he stops the glass of lemonade from knocking over after you raise your hand to ask for another bowl of ice cream. “Dessert over the drink, obviously.”
“Shut up,” you groan, making your drink was safe before asking the waiter for another green tea ice cream. “My hand-eye coordination is off.”
“Right you are.”
Another round of ice cream makes it to your table in a snap and you easily finish it in a matter of seconds, placing down the silver spoon with a satisfied hum.
“Then let’s go.”
Jaehyun pays before you can even glance at the check and a pout remains on your face during the walk back to your apartment.
“Hey, wait up!”
You turn back, plucking your earbuds from your ears as Jaehyun runs up to you with a single red rose in his hands.
“Where’d you get that from?”
“Someone was selling them two streets back,” he answers, offering the flower to you. “I wanted to stop but you kept going, so I quickly got one and then ran to catch up.”
“… I don’t want it.”
“I’m allergic,” you lie, “And I don’t want to change the relationship we already have.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean.” You gesture at the space between you and him. “There used to be a wall here, you know? I thought I was pretty good at keeping it up until…”
“Until I broke it?” he finishes.
“I… I don’t know what we are, Jaehyun. Because I’m over here trying to be a good friend but you’re over there acting as if you’re my—”
“I wouldn’t say no to being your boyfriend.”
“You... You’re not getting it!”
Flustered, you place your earbuds back into your ears and turn up the volume, only to have them yanked out of your ears as Jaehyun hands you the rose.
“Why won’t you give me a chance?”
Refusing to answer, you resume the walk and to your annoyance he follows you even though he lived the opposite way.
“Is it Taeyong?”
Hearing his name makes you freeze in your tracks and the soft sigh leaving Jaehyun’s mouth only confirms his hunch.
“You still love him, don’t you?”
“But you broke up with him.”
“Yes,” you nod. “But breaking up with Taeyong doesn’t mean I have to get together with you.”
“Then why did you break up with him if you’re still in love with him?”
Barb after barb dig their way into your heart and you blink furiously to stop the tears from trickling down your face.
“That’s my problem, not yours.”
“It became my problem when I decided I wanted you to return my feelings.”
You stare at the offered rose and shake your head.
“I can’t, Jaehyun.”
“I’m not asking for an answer now,” Jaehyun says with a dimpled smile. “Just… remember what I said to you tonight. And please take the rose, I had to run down two streets to catch up to you after buying it.”
You reluctantly take the rose and mumble a thank you before waving him the other way so he could make it home before it got too late. To your surprise, you’re greeted by two other guests in your home when you finally make it back to your apartment complex and the following commotion at hearing about Jaehyun’s confession makes you wonder why you bothered to tell your brother about the spare key placed strategically under the doormat if he was only going to cause a ruckus each time he crashed your place for the night.
“He did what now?”
“Mark, please don’t yell in my ear,” you complain as you rub your right ear.
“So that little turd confessed,” Yuta snickers. “I knew he would do it sooner or later.”
“Yuta, why didn’t you stop him?” Mark whines. “Taeyong…”
“Hate to break it to you Mark, but your sister and Taeyong aren’t together anymore. She has every right to start a new relationship after reverting back to the single life.”
“I’m going to kick your face,” you threaten at Yuta. Swinging an arm around your brother, Mark squirms in your hold and you ruffle his hair before releasing your arm. “That goes for you too, little brother.”
“I thought going to Hong Kong would clear your head so you would get back with Taeyong,” Mark sighs. “Don’t you still love him?”
“People change,” you tell him. “It happens whether they want it or not.”
“So do you not like Taeyong anymore?”
“I… I don’t know.”
Yuta rolls his eyes at your uncertainty.
“I’m stressed for you, loser, and the dumbest thing is that it’s not even my problem to deal with.”
“Aww, that means you care!”
He cringes as you lean your head on his shoulder, not bothering to shove you off like he usually does.
“Who told me to become your best friend?”
Mark takes note of the red rose propped in a glass bottle by the coat rack and gets up, bringing over the bottle and plucking the rose out of its container.
“When did you get this?”
“Jaehyun gave it to me,” you answer. “It came along with his confession.”
“And it took only three weeks for him to do it,” Yuta adds. “He’s got some guts, that kid.”
The conversation continues for another hour before each of you disperse for the night, Mark taking the couch while Yuta set up camp on the floor with the sleeping bag he had brought with him, immune to your sarcastic eye-rolling and firing back a witty comeback of his own before turning his back on you after the lights in the living room died down in exchange for sleep. Your steps heavy as you trekked to your room, the first thing you do after brushing your teeth is jump onto your bed, lying down stomach-first. Your head still hurt after overthinking on how to best answer Jaehyun and factoring in the lingering feelings towards Taeyong after the impulsive breakup; you weren’t used to being favored by so many people when you usually beat yourself up twice as much on the daily.
“But what do I want?”
Flipping over to stare up at the ceiling, you then sigh and reach for your phone, scrolling through your inbox and gasping at the seven missed calls from none other than Jaehyun.
You press his number and he picks up first ring.
“Are you okay?”
“Why would I not be?”
“I didn’t know if you made it back home safe, so I had to call.”
That’s such a Taeyong thing to do.
You apologize for worrying him and he brings up the rose again, voicing his relief when finding out that you had placed it in a bottle rather than toss it out the moment you returned home.
“It means I have a chance,” he jokes when you confront him about it. “I’m hopeful.”
“… Am I bothering you?”
“Not really,” you say, stifling the yawn building up in your throat. “But I’d like to sleep soon, I’m rather tired and have an early class tomorrow.”
“Then I’ll hang up so you can sleep. Good night.”
You hang up, and the next morning lingering traces of your dream flicker in your mind as you get ready for class: holding a hand, exchanging warm smiles, and finally receiving forehead kisses from your mystery lover while dream-you leaned forward to alert the unconscious-you that it was time to wake up and return to the real world.
The familiar figure standing outside your class runs up to you the moment you step outside the classroom, chocolate in hand as he nods in greeting.
“Flowers didn’t work last time, so I thought I’d try sweets this time.”
You eye the box of chocolates, mouth twitching at seeing that it was dark chocolate, your favorite.
“I… don’t like dark chocolate.”
“Yuta said they’re your favorite type of chocolate,” Jaehyun insists. “Especially this brand.”
“Stupid Yuta,” you grumble. “Giving away my information like it’s his to give.”
Jaehyun offers the box to you again and you take it, albeit reluctantly.
“This doesn’t mean anything. It’s stupid to say no to free chocolate.”
“Sure. You want to grab some coffee too?”
“Only if you’re paying.”
“Then yes, I’m definitely paying.”
True to his word, Jaehyun is the one to pay for your coffee after ordering and your knees bounce up and down as you wait for him to pick up his iced tea and blueberry muffin, the caffeine already kicking in after half the drink.
“How’s it like being back after going abroad?”
“Same old stuff,” you reply, knees still jogging like a wind-up toy. “I’ll get back on the groove of things soon. I have a few friends in some of my classes, so it’s not that bad—”
A hand rests on your thigh and you freeze at the sudden touch, glancing up to make eye contact with Jaehyun.
“Are you okay?” he asks gently.
“Y-Yeah,” you stutter. “W-Why would I not be okay?”
“You’re stuttering and your leg just won’t stop.”
He adds a tad bit more pressure onto your thigh and eventually it stills under his palm.
“There we go.”
“Can you please take your hand away?” you ask quietly.
He obliges, but scoots closer until your shoulders were touching, allowing you the opportunity to lean on him if you wanted.
“Yup.” Your head unconsciously uses the crook of his shoulder as a pillow and he snorts as you make yourself comfortable even though it hadn’t seemed like you wanted to have him anywhere near you.
“So about yesterday,” he begins.
“Can you just let me sleep for a little bit?” you mumble, closing your eyes.
You don’t know how long you’ve been asleep, the soft shaking of your shoulder bringing you out of your slumber at the sight of an empty coffee shop.
“They have to close now,” Jaehyun laughs, helping you up. “I didn’t have the heart to wake you until everyone else was already gone.”
You allow him to help you up and yawn as he slips a hand around your waist to hold you steady. “I had coffee though.”
“It apparently only makes you more jittery.”
Throwing a glare at his attempt to lighten the mood, you bicker with him for a bit before stopping outside of the campus bookstore, pausing when you notice the pair of students leaving the store right when you were about to head inside.
“Hey, Taeyong,” Jaehyun nods in greeting.
You glance between the two, eyes widening.
“You know Taeyong?”
“We go to the same university,” Taeyong says quietly. “Same as Yuta and the rest of our roommates.”
You then take notice of the girl next to Taeyong and smile politely, forcing down the sharp stab in your heart from clawing its way up your throat.
“This is Eunsoo,” he introduces. “She’s from your campus but is currently taking a math class that I happen to have this semester.”
“Hi,” she grins, offering a hand to you and Jaehyun. “Taeyong basically explained it, we have math together.”
You stare at her hand for longer than expected and she laughs it off while taking it back.
“I guess I should’ve asked whether you were okay with a handshake first.”
Refusing to look at Taeyong, you mumble an apology and offer your hand in return, shaking on it before quickly tucking it behind your back. Not that you were intentionally being rude, but it irked you to see her clinging so close to Taeyong when…
“Jaehyun, can you take me home?” you ask rather loudly. “It’s late and it wouldn’t be safe for me to walk alone at night.”
Taeyong’s eyes widen slightly and Jaehyun swivels his head back and forth before loudly agreeing, playing along and hooking his arm around your shoulder.
“Yeah, sure. See you later, Taeyong.”
“See you…” Taeyong’s goodbye goes unfinished as you pick up a quick pace, Jaehyun’s long legs easily keeping up as you hurry away.
“See you later.”
“You did that on purpose.”
You neither accept nor deny Jaehyun’s claim as you throw your shoes aside, planting your body face first onto the couch once you make it back home, limbs askew.
“Were you jealous of that classmate of his?”
You sit upright abruptly and shake your head.
“I wasn’t jealous!”
He holds out his hands, backing away.
“Chill out, miss fiery-tempered.”
“I wasn’t. Jealous.”
“No one mentioned anything about being jealous, you brought it up yourself.”
Picking up the single pillow lying next to you, you throw it towards Jaehyun and he catches it easily.
“Gonna need to throw it harder if you want to make it count.”
“Me and Taeyong are over! There’s nothing for me to be jealous about when our relationship is already over!”
“I heard he didn’t want it to be over and neither did you.”
You curl into a ball and refuse to talk to him any further, remaining in the same balled-up position for what must be twenty minutes before speaking again.
“I don’t think I’m good enough for him, Jaehyun.”
“Why do you think you’re not good enough for him?”
“Because.” You raise your head up and Jaehyun glances at you expectantly, waiting for an answer. “He gives me so much but I can’t give him anything in return. Whenever I’m sad and shit, he’s immediately there to make me smile again but I usually have to hear from someone else if he’s been feeling upset and stuff. I feel like I’m taking so much for myself and I don’t want that.”
“That’s Taeyong in a nutshell,” Jaehyun shrugs. “He’s an oyster that needs to be delicately pried open to see the contents within.”
“He never says anything when I confront him about it.”
“Keyword is delicate. Surely you should know all about that brooding personality of his from dating him for so long?”
A pout forms on your face and Jaehyun smiles as if he’s hit the jackpot.
“Taeyong’s not going to openly tell you when he’s upset, girlfriend, you have to pick up on these things yourself and bug him about it until he spills the tea. And he’s always been the type to enjoy making others happy more than himself.”
“Who are you calling your girlfriend?” you snap. “And gross, you sound like Yuta.”
“I live with the guy,” he smirks. “And I still hope I have a chance of receiving a yes to my confession.”
You roll your eyes at his cheekiness, but mouth a “thank you” at him before curling back into a silent ball on the couch again.
Time has a way of healing your old wounds by giving Jaehyun to you as a boyfriend. Fast forward the gears and here you are, having given someone else a part of your heart after many days of perseverance and offerings of chocolate from his end.
Yuta had been the first to congratulate you on your new relationship, celebrating the loss of your single status by showing up to your apartment with a six-pack of beer that had been cleared that same night, two drunk people blabbering about the wonders of having Jaehyun as a boyfriend before passing out on the couch in the blink of an eye. Following drink night was a severe hangover in the morning that came unpleasantly painful to the brain, but worth every penny when said boyfriend of yesterday’s drunk talk showed up with medicine and hot food to help tone down the dizziness at a moment’s notice.
“You get the best boyfriend award,” Yuta says, stuffing his face with fried chicken and twists open a bottle of iced tea. “Even better than Taeyong.”
Jaehyun quickly glances at you and you chuckle.
“Shut up and eat your chicken, Yuta.”
“You don’t want any?” your boyfriend asks.
“No, I think I’ll be fine with just the tea.”
Mark was less cheerful when he found out you and Jaehyun were now a couple—his vote still for Taeyong—but still wished you the best since your emotional rut after the breakup. You had proceeded to put him in your signature headlock and he whined at the violent affection before raising the white flag because in the end, your happiness was the most important, not Taeyong’s. An old relationship ending, the only thing to do now was look forward, not back.
“Does Taeyong know?” Mark asks after sitting back on the couch with a chocolate bar in hand.
“Mark, it’s been six months since Jaehyun and I started dating. If Jaehyun hasn’t told him already, I don’t see why I need to tell him about it.”
“He should know so he can stop pining over you!”
“Pining?” you echo. “What do you mean?”
“He never forgot about you,” Mark continues. “All those times you asked me how he was doing, I lied by saying he was fine because he didn’t want you knowing that he was still miserable over your breakup.”
“He put the blame on himself for everything. Said it was his fault for not being good enough to notice that you were unhappy, his fault for not loving you like he should have and pushing you away to Hong Kong. He took the blame for literally everything and even now, it… it hurts to see someone I look up to crumble into broken pieces of what he used to be.
“I’m not saying you should get back together with him,” your brother finishes, head hanging low. “I can tell you’re happy with Jaehyun. But please… please at least let him know you’ve moved on from him so he can do the same.”
Just like that, the feelings you’ve kept locked away in the back of your mind come rushing out, flooding your memories as tears spill from your eyes at the thought of Taeyong still hanging onto the threads you had severed with your own two hands so long ago.
Taeyong was the one you never wanted to let go.
You loved him. All the memories you made with him were precious increments of captured time that you still hold dear in your heart, every little part of him engraved in your mind so deeply that you only had to close your eyes for a split second before his face came into view. Beauty and a kind soul rolled into one, he was like no other and it hurt to have to tell him that you had moved on from him. You couldn’t wait for him anymore when you had already started the next chapter of your life in a direction that he wouldn’t be part of.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
You shake your head at Jaehyun.
“I think it’s best if I do this on my own.”
Your boyfriend nods and kisses your forehead quickly before letting go.
“I’ll wait for you out here then.”
The twinkling chime of the opening door brings Taeyong out of his trance and he takes off the black headphones around his ears, smiling at you when you approach his table.
You smile and he gestures for you to sit down.
“Mocha like usual or something non-caffeinated?”
The fact that he still remembered what you liked adds another pang of piercing pain in your chest, but you press it down as you shake your head firmly, not needing any sort of drink.
“Okay.” Taeyong places his headphones on the table and you take notice of the pad of paper with illegible scribbles at the top page next to said headphones.
“Were you writing lyrics?”
“Yeah,” he mumbles, rubbing his hands anxiously. “It’s a new piece I started working on last week, but there isn’t quite the right feeling of sadness that I’m going for.”
“Taeyong, I’m… I’m dating Jaehyun.”
“I was told you and him are a couple now. Congratulations.”
The emptiness in his congratulations as clear as a bell, you reach for his hands and squeeze gently.
“Is there no way we can go back to how things used to be?” he asks quietly. “I thought some time apart would help us become even closer, but…”
Desperation claws at your hands as he grips your fingers tightly.
“You didn’t even give me a chance to fix what was wrong.”
“You were never the one in the wrong.” You force your hands free and blink away the impending tears. “It was all me and I’m sorry for hurting you when—”
“There was never any of that!”
The sudden outburst startles you and Taeyong immediately ducks his head in apology at the customers staring at him from throughout the café before speaking at a quieter volume.
“It was never you.”
Your heart clenches at hearing the sniffles and seeing the droplets of water soaking into his jeans.
“It was never you,” he repeats, wiping a hand across his nose. “I never opened up about myself to you and in turn shut you out when all I wanted was for you to let me in.”
He coughs and shakes his head, a smile plastered onto his face.
“I’m really glad to hear that you’re happy now.”
“Please don’t apologize.” He stands up and spots Jaehyun waiting outside.
“I’d like to talk to Jaehyun, if that’s alright.”
You follow him outside and Jaehyun perks up when he sees the two of you.
Taeyong takes a deep breath and places his hands on your shoulders, gently pushing you over to Jaehyun.
“She’s yours now.”
“Everything okay between the two of you, or…?”
“I have a request,” Taeyong speaks up before Jaehyun can finish. “I hope it’s okay with you if we remain friends.”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” Jaehyun nods while you do the same. “I have nothing against that when you two met first.”
“Thank you.” Your ex shoots you and Jaehyun a soft smile. “Please treat her well and make her happy, Jaehyun.”
How can I be happy when I know you’re not happy at all, Taeyong?
You were never able to fully decipher what it was about Taeyong that made him so hard to let go.
There were plenty of people in the world who were better than him. Handsomer than him, skinnier than him, could dance better, sing better, dress better… the list could go on forever. He wasn’t the crown jewel of anything but to you he was the brightest star of them all, a glimmering diamond in the rough that outshined every single other jewel in the collection. To give up on him was a wrongful move from the start, let alone pretend that you wanted to follow through with such an idea when you never had that intention in the first place. Not a day goes by when you don’t think of him and how hurt he must have been all this time, six plus months of waiting for you to welcome him back into your life when he had thought all this time it was his fault. An unwavering heart that belonged to you and here you were, looking back to the times when you once had it and regretting that you ever wanted to dispose of it when you wanted very much to have it in your possession once again.
It was unfair. It was unfair for Fate to play you like this from a love that you had moved on from. You didn’t think you deserved someone like Taeyong to return your feelings when you couldn’t even feel good about yourself, let alone give love and affection to another.
“Earth to Y/N.”
A hand waves in front of your face and your eyes widen in alarm at the tipping cup that spills its contents all over your notes, staining the inked letters as you quickly pick up the soaked notebook still dripping orange as you hold it up from the desk.
“Please,” you sigh in exasperation at your boyfriend. “Please, just… leave me alone.”
Jaehyun stands in silence as you put down your notebook, watching you run into the kitchen to grab a roll of paper towels to wipe up the spilled juice, your turned back a clear indicator that you weren’t in the mood to talk about anything right now.
“Do you need help?”
“No,” you answer, holding up a wad of wet paper towel. “I’ve got it.”
“Can we talk?” he speaks up after you return from throwing away the trash.
“I’m kinda busy right now, Jaehyun.”
The seriousness in his tone catches you off guard and you reluctantly nod before setting aside your school papers to sit next to him on your couch.
“You haven’t been yourself lately,” he starts. “Ever since—”
“I’ve been fine,” you refute. “Just stressed since exams are coming up.”
“Stressed about exams or stressing over Taeyong?”
“Why do you keep bringing up Taeyong in everything, Jaehyun? I’ve told you multiple times—”
“You’re still not over him even though you’re here with me right now.”
Curling your hands into fists, you cross your arms in denial.
The sadness in his eyes is all too fathomable as an empty sigh leaves his mouth.
“Your heart pushed me out long ago, I was just trying to see if I could stay permanently.”
“Jaehyun, what even?” Anger and disappointment rolling into one, you extend an arm to punch his shoulder hard and he winces at the impact.
“You’re stupid, I can’t believe even after all this time you still doubt me... do you know how many times we’ve already argued because of this?”
He allows you to punch him two more times before grabbing your hand and setting it down on his lap.
“I tried to let it go but I just can’t.”
“Why not?” Your voice raises an octave. “We’ve been dating for nearly a year and a half now, why can’t you—”
“Because it hurts knowing that I’ll never be able to get you to love me the same way that I love you. Or the same way that you loved you-know-who.”
“I’m your girlfriend, Jaehyun. What more do you want from me?”
Another sigh and he lets go of your hand.
“I never once felt like I was really your boyfriend when you were still very much preoccupied with the thought of getting back with Taeyong.”
“… You’re an idiot and I’m not going to stay together with an idiot who doesn’t trust me.”
The breakup party at your apartment consisted of a livid Yuta and sympathetic Mark, and you down your third can of beer for the night, ears ringing and mouth lingering with a taste of bitterness beyond the alcoholic beverage as you attempt to stand while tipsy.
“I don’t need Jaehyun!” you shout, wiggling a finger at Mark. “I don’t need you, Jung Jaehyun!”
“You’re drunk,” Mark says, pulling you back down to sit. “No more.”
“Not drunk. Nope, not drunk at all.”
“That punk,” Yuta mutters, cracking open the fourth can of beer in the pack of six, downing the first gulp. “I can’t believe that fucker actually said something like that to you.”
You pump your fist into the air. “Cheers to no Jaehyun!”
“No more drinking,” Mark repeats as he brings your arm down. “Yuta, please keep my sister away from the beer so I can call for backup.”
“Mark, don’t tell me you’re gonna—”
“Mark!” you interrupt, bottom lip trembling. “Mark, I got dumped!”
“Take care of her!” Mark says to Yuta before rushing outside to make a call. “I’ll come back with reinforcements soon!”
Your eyes open to darkness, body kept warmly tucked in bed. Head ringing, you rub your temples and blink to focus on your surroundings, able to recognize that you were at least in your room and not in a stranger’s home after getting completely wasted from drinking three cans of beer.
Your knee brushes against a lump on your bed when you reach for the lamp on your nightstand and you quickly shuffle back, fumbling to turn on the light and gasping at the yawning figure that sits upright from his chair by your bed.
“What are you doing here, Taeyong?”
“Mark called me saying you were upset after breaking up with Jaehyun,” he answers, stretching his arms high above his head. “I was told you’ve been drinking.”
A burp makes its way up your throat and your nose scrunches at tasting the aftertaste of what could be piss if you hadn’t known any better.
“Your day clothes are in the wash and they should be just about…”
Taeyong suddenly gets up and you frown when he returns twenty minutes later with a cup of hot tea in his hands.
“Here. Drink this while I hang up your laundry.”
“Please, you don’t…”
“It won’t take long,” he promises. “If you haven’t changed where you keep your hangers and stuff.”
You shake your head and he gives you a smile before leaving your room, the cup of hot tea growing colder by the minute as your gaze remains fixed on the doorway, waiting for Taeyong to come back any moment. You couldn’t remember much from earlier in the evening; had you been that upset over breaking up with Jaehyun that your little brother needed to call Taeyong of all people to calm you back down?
His voice brings you back from your thoughts and he chuckles at the still-full cup.
“It won’t taste good cold.”
You take the cup of lukewarm tea and bring it to your lips, the warm liquid soothing your throat and bringing away the aftertaste of beer as it fills your mouth with a refreshing jasmine instead.
“Why did you break up with Jaehyun, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Tea nearly finished, you drink up the last drop and place the cup down before answering him.
“We apparently had a problem that wasn’t caught until now and it just… that was it.”
You shake your head. “Don’t apologize for something that probably wouldn’t have lasted long anyway.”
“I just want you to be happy,” Taeyong murmurs, head hanging low. “That’s the least I wanted for you after I couldn’t do it myself.”
How can I be happy after knowing you were beating yourself up for something I did, Taeyong?
“Don’t apologize,” you repeat. “You did nothing wrong.” Your hand hesitantly reaches towards him and eventually rests on his shoulder.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
He reaches for your fingers and grasps them tightly.
“If I had noticed earlier…”
“You can’t do everything for me, Taeyong.” Your other hand tangles itself in his hair and you lean forward, knocking your forehead against his. “Sometimes you just need to let me crash and burn so that I can pick myself back up from where I fell.”
“I’m sorry.” His chest heaves and you panic at seeing the droplets of tears soaking into your covers. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more, I’m sorry I failed you when you needed me the most.”
“Taeyong, wait, why are you crying?”
Taeyong doesn’t answer, and the only sounds you hear are his sniffles as the hand that was holding your own falls limply against his side, his head shifting to rest on your shoulder as he continues to cry. Your arms wrap around him in comfort and you hold him tightly in your embrace, channeling reassurance in the hug.
“Taeyong, please, why are you crying?”
He shakes his head, a soft mumble of “hold me” effectively shutting down your curiosity as you simply continue to hold him while the tears flowed until he couldn’t cry anymore.
The next morning you find the space next to your pillow empty, as if Taeyong had never been there at all.
“A dream?” you murmur, opening the blinds to let sunlight into your dim room.
Shuffling to the bathroom, you wash up quickly and notice a yellow post-it note sitting on top of your favorite pair of black ankle boots, a note written with a scribble that you recognized in a heartbeat.
I have something to tell you after your classes end. 3pm at your favorite café, see you then.
“Huh,” you begin, pocketing the note into your bag. “Okay.”
After your classes end, you make your way to the café and instantly spot the familiar head of red seated by the window, the silver earrings dangling from his ear catching light from the sun as it shined into the storefront.
“I got your note,” you begin as you sit down directly across from him. “What’s up?”
Taeyong takes off his headphones when he sees you and smiles.
“Got your note,” you repeat, taking out the yellow post-it note from your bag.
“Oh. I… I wanted to ask how you felt after last night.”
“I feel fine.” You selectively keep quiet about the intimacy between the two of you and smile. “Thank you for spending the night and making sure I was okay.”
Not used to the awkwardness, you clear your throat with a cough and he looks away before sliding a box across the table towards you.
“What’s this, Taeyong?”
“May I open it?”
He nods and you take off the ribbon, unable to hold back your surprise at the ring hanging off the silver chain nestled in the box.
“A little something from me,” he begins. “A token of my love, if you will.”
You ease the chain from the box and touch the cold silver band, eyes squinting at the engravings etched within.
“They wouldn’t let me cover the entire interior with hearts. Said it would take too long if I wanted to pick it up the same day.”
A tiny snort tickles your nose and you close the lid.
“That’s so you.”
He chuckles in return and glances up at you nervously.
“I’m hoping you can give me another chance by wearing it tomorrow.”
“You know how Yuta always says he has gigs to go to?”
“Well, I don’t know if he’s ever told you, but he’s part of a rock band at my university and I’ve been asked to perform a short piece with his band.”
“That’s great!” You’re unable to hide your joy, clasping your hands together in delight. “So many people will know of you and your music this way!”
“I… I’d really appreciate it if you could come see me… us... perform.”
“And… And I’d like you to wear the necklace if you decide to come.”
Realization of his intention dawning upon you, you look away and he smiles, dismissing the thought with a wave of his hand.
“Just a thought. You don’t have to.”
“I… I’ll think about it,” you finish after a moment’s silence. “I’ll have to check to see if I can fit it in my schedule and… yeah.”
You start to push the box back towards him but he shakes his head.
“Please keep it regardless of whether you decide to wear it or not.”
You reluctantly nod and tuck the box into your bag. “If you insist.”
“I really hope you can give me a second chance to make things better again.”
Taeyong’s gift remains untouched on your nightstand, ribbon tied on as if you had never opened it after receiving it from him.
What would starting over entail? How sure were you that you wouldn’t succumb to your depreciative tendencies of belittling yourself and repeat the same mistake of pushing him out when he was sensitive in his own right?
Your phone buzzes mid-thought and you pick up to hear your brother telling you he was outside your front door, forgetting to bring back the spare to let himself in after taking it with him the last time he was over. You chastise his forgetfulness before heading towards the front door to let him in, eyeing him knowingly before offering tea and cookies.
“Are you free tomorrow?” he asks you when you return with a pot of freshly brewed earl grey and chocolate chip cookies on the side of your tea tray.
“Yuta invited to me to a concert at his university and I thought you’d want to go.”
“I’m not into rock,” you snort. “Plus I didn’t even know he was in a band until Taeyong told me.”
“You met with Taeyong?”
Covering your hand over your mouth, you pour a cup of tea for Mark and whistle innocently as you reach for a cookie.
“You just said he told you about Yuta’s band.”
“Okay, fine, Taeyong actually invited me to that same event because he’ll be performing a piece with the band.”
Mark claps your shoulders in delight. “You should go!!”
“… I don’t know.”
The dejected look on his face spelled it out as clear as day.
You tell him to wait and bring down the gift box from your room, Mark gasping in awe at seeing the chain inside the box.
“There’s a ring on it!”
“He wants me to wear the necklace if I go tomorrow,” you explain.
“So wear it.”
“Mark. I can’t wear it.”
His face scrunches up, puzzled at your wishy-washy denial.
“Just go to him already. He’s been waiting for so long and you’ve been unable to give him up for so long. Make it easier on yourselves.”
“I’m scared I’ll mess up again.”
“Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. You made the mistake of letting him go once so this time just hold on. Hold on so tightly that your hands are glued together and you two become practically attached at the hip.”
“Your attempt at sounding philosophical amuses me to no end.”
Mark blows a raspberry at you and proceeds to finish his tea, stuffing two cookies into his mouth before turning on the tv. You make sure to tell him to clean up after he finishes eating before taking the necklace and returning to your room, the box sitting on your lap as you study the silver chain and matching metal band. The significance and meaning behind the ring weighing down on your shoulders, you place the gift back into its bedding and close the box, needing to clear your head to rethink your answer to Taeyong’s proposition when you show up to see him tomorrow.
If. You show up to see him tomorrow.
The clock ticks down the minutes before four, 120 of the 60-second increments already gone as you sit on a table by the café on campus, blueberry muffin untouched. 4 o’clock was his slated time to go on stage and it was already nearing 3. It would take approximately 45 minutes to go to his campus on a good day without traffic, so if you wanted to see him you should be going now instead of contemplating your life decisions in front of a muffin.
Setting down your fork, you approach the cash register and get a paper bag from the staff to bring your muffin out, nibbling on the crumbly dessert before feeling the vibration on the back of your jeans.
“Are you coming, loser?”
“Yuta, aren’t you busy right now?”
“Finished rehearsal and now waiting for the final call,” he informs you. “You coming or what?”
“I don’t know.”
He groans at your half-assed answer.
“Stop overthinking and get your ass over here already!”
“Excuse me, I’m a busy woman with my own agenda.”
“Look, you need to settle out all your problems, and there’s no better day to do it than today. If I don’t see you in the crowd when he’s performing I’m going to storm into your house and eat all your cookies.”
“I know where you keep them. Bye, loser.”
You hang up, biting into the muffin as you make the quick walk back to your apartment. Kicking off your shoes, you lay down on the couch and spot the upside-down plate on your coffee table.
“I told him to clean up after he was done eating!”
Grumpy, you bring the dirty dishes to the kitchen sink and let them soak in the basin before patting the empty spot in the back of your jeans.
“Where’s my phone?”
Panic surging through your veins, you turn over every single pillow and piece of furniture before flipping over your bag, leafing through the contents before finding it underneath a stash of scrunched up papers that were no doubt old homework assignments or even exams.
“How is already 3:45, I barely even—”
You run to your room after checking the time and the panic only heightens when you fail to see the necklace and its box at its usual spot on your nightstand. Cursing your tendency of misplacing your things, you begin another thorough search of your room and come up empty-handed of the gift that had been given to you the day before. One more, three more times and you’re still void any sight of the necklace and its ribboned box.
“God dammit, why does this always happen to me!!”
Eyes wet with tears, you punch your pillow angrily as you let it all out.
“I’m the stupidest, most ridiculous human being, can’t even… put things away properly…”
By now your pillow is tossed under the bed after receiving all those hits, and your hands ache from the vigorous punches. Upset at the turn of events, you return to the living room in defeat, packing away your things when your phone buzzes again with another call, this time from Mark.
“Are you here?” he asks you.
You can barely hear his voice with the loud music blasting in the background and he repeats his question.
“Are you here?”
“No, I’m… Mark, I can’t find the necklace.”
“Oh, I brought it with me. You know how you are with misplacing your things.”
You’ve never run so fast in your life after getting off the bus stop right before his university, pushing through the crowd of people hanging around the park to locate the stage set up coincidentally on the opposite side of where you were. As if Fate wasn’t satisfied with spiting you once she had to do it again in the form of bodies blocking your way from getting to where you needed to be before it was too late.
“Mark! Mark, I’m here!”
Your brother turns his head and beams at seeing you, frowning at the sound of your wheezing and sharp inhaling of breath.
“Did you run here?”
“What do you think?”
You hold out a hand. “Necklace.”
He reaches into his jacket and gently hands over the silver chain.
“Help me put it on?”
“Um, I’ll try my best.”
He finally hooks on the clasp after the seventh try and you quickly fix your hair before turning to the stage.
“Did Taeyong go yet?”
“Unfortunately, yes. You got here five minutes after the show ended.”
“He was the closing act and I missed it?”
“Where is he now?”
Mark gestures to your right. “Somewhere there, I think. Saw him grab a beer on his way out.”
You thank your brother and head that direction, locating the refreshments table and easily identifying the figure dressed in all black leaning against the tent where a large set of drums was being dismantled for packing up.
“Look who decided to finally show up,” Yuta scowls as he looks up at you.
Taeyong’s head snaps up and you wave awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, I really tried to make it here on time.”
He stands up, beer in hand before setting it down on the table.
“No, I… I’m glad you came. Better late than never, really.”
“Okay, lovebirds, go talk it out somewhere else.”
“Want to walk with me?” Taeyong offers.
You nod slowly. “S…Sure.”
Taking a quieter route, you follow him down a bunch of winding paths and eventually he stops before the pavilion nestled deeper within the park, giving you a view of the entire area away from the bustling activity of the concert hosted by his university.
“You wore it.”
You look down at your neck and nod. “Yes.”
He licks his lips in anticipation and shuffles his feet anxiously.
“I… I didn’t think you would come.”
“Was sure you wouldn’t want to deal with the likes of me again.”
A soft smile lights up his face before he turns away.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.”
“You’re already 200% above being perfect.”
Reaching your hands towards his face, you cup his cheeks and lean forward, lips gently brushing against his.
Before you can speak again, he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer, lips locking onto your mouth. You have no time to react, only able to drop your hands from his face to his shoulders. Hands finding purchase on his neck, fingers entangle in his hair as he kisses you and kisses you and kisses you like you were the only one who mattered something to him. Every single touch loving and wiping away any doubt that he didn’t love you, that was when you knew you had been a fool to push away someone who potentially, no, basically loved you more than he loved himself.
“Taeyong,” you gasp after breaking away for a much-needed breath of air. “Taeyong, wait, I—”
“I love you.” He leaves no room for smalltalk before squeezing you even tighter. “I love you, I can’t… I can’t stop thinking about you, please—”
He gently nibbles on your bottom lip and you open your mouth, allowing his tongue to reclaim what was his and he quickens his pace at hearing the soft moans from your end. Taeyong kisses you like a man starved, like you were his oasis in the desert that he was stranded in. He laps up every droplet of you given to him, every bit of you that you allow him to have; he consumes your lips and moves his hands upwards, resting them on your shoulders after he finally decides to pull away panting after the heated makeout session.
“I’m sorry, I… I completely lost myself just now.”
You shake your head. “It’s fine.”
He shakes his head in return and drops his hands back to your waist, hesitant.
“You can hug me,” you tell him. “I wouldn’t mind if you hugged me.”
“Please give me another chance,” he whispers, hugging you close. “I know I messed up before, but…”
“Taeyong, I’m sorry,” you butt in before he can finish his sentence. “I’m sorry for breaking up with you. I was unhappy with myself and it was wrong of me to take it out on you when you hadn’t done anything wrong.”
He shakes his head fervently in denial.
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry for shutting you out and… and I know now that you’re the only one I want to let in.”
You kiss his cheek and manage a short chuckle at the sensation on your nose.
“Why are you crying again, you big crybaby?”
“Because… Because you came back for me. I didn’t think you would come back but here you are.”
“Taeyong, please, I will always come back for you.”
Another kiss marks itself onto your mouth and you smile, this exact kiss the one that never fails to make you weak in the knees and forget everything as you loop your hands around his neck to kiss him just as hungrily in return.
518 notes · View notes
↳ prompt: the night we shared in regret the following morning → best friend!wonho
pairing: shin hoseok | reader
genre: best friends au / angst
word count: 3,777
author’s note: bless my one and only brat @softensouls for helping me edit (’: <3
Tumultuous ringing breaks through the air of your stilled apartment.
It’s a sound so normal at 3 AM, it’s almost abnormal not to hear it at any other hour in the day. Its intense light pierces through the darkness, illuminating a huge portion of the ceiling with a deep reminder that sleep was not your next course of action. You pause for a moment, weighing out your options: to answer or to ignore it. A topic you have long since debated on before this very moment, because despite everything it feels like there’s still a chance that you can break through every other instinct in your body and listen to your brain for once, that from the consistent woes that have attached themselves in the form of Shin Hoseok then maybe—just maybe—you and the warmth of your bed stand a chance against his beckoning.
However, cool air seeps in through the shut window and unleashes gooseflesh on your skin.
“Y-Y/N?” His voice trembles, still thick with a choked down sob waiting to be released. You can’t count how many times you’ve wished this would be the last time you would receive a call like this, that his relationship with Suzy would be better. But wishes are just as much for suckers as your hopes that he’d let go of her and realize he could be happier with you. It’s selfish. So ardently selfish that it’s undeserving to be his best friend. “Can I come over?”
Oh now you want to come over? You want to say, half-glaring at the ceiling and half-softening at the idea of him hurting. It’s no doubt because of her. Their relationship has always been a rollercoaster with ups, downs, downspirals, and upward monotony. Everything. But if they are anything at all, it’s passionate. Between Suzy exiting college with a Bachelor’s in Communications and Hoseok’s in Music and Management, there’s absolutely no doubt that they are something akin to a dream team. In all their ways of complementing one another and striving for their passions, they’ve both always been individuals that knew what they wanted and said so as well. And a lot of their relationship reflected these things. When they argued, they were unyielding and loud. When they were alright, they were fervent and, again, loud.
Suzy just happened to all those things and a little bit more. Ferocious with a temper to match, but a heart that loved just as fiercely. You didn’t know her too up close like Hoseok or any of her close girlfriends. You tried to though. A few attempts that felt too forced and stiff for either of your likings. Cordiality was there. Like an omnipotent force driving the two of you from completely falling out with one another. Hoseok being the sole reason for any of it. Which is partially why you feel so torn about pulling away, allowing their ship to sail without your interference or, well, presence. Because in many ways, they’re the perfect couple.
Everyone hoped for their relationship, some even banked on it as the three of you went through higher education. Though you remained at Hoseok’s side, the more and more it felt like the idea of being with him was more of a far off dream with you delving neck-deep into your academic journey. You still fell. God, you never imagined how much you could love someone. And whether it was a platonic love all that time you spent together in the glory years or perhaps it was the build-up that led you down the path of falling, you couldn’t say for sure. All that you’ve come to terms with is that you two couldn’t possibly be together with Suzy around, nor would you let it either.
“Please,” he pleads to you as if he heard your previous thoughts.
You want to tell him no. You want him to face whatever’s going on with Suzy head-on. You know that it’s self-sacrificial of yourself to pull back and let your best friend slip between your finger tips. But you also know how unfair it is to Suzy to be who you are to Hoseok. Although he doesn’t say it often nor has he really shown it, he’s your rock, your lobster, your soul partner, if anything. And there have been times where you’ve called him in your time of need when he’s needed the sleep or if he’s working on some important project, and he’s shown up for you. Because of these things, because of fucking course they want to make themselves known to you now, the rejection is stuck in the back of your throat.
“Okay,” you nod. You know he can’t see you and you’re damn glad because when he hangs up with relief imbued in his tone, you can’t help but sit up and run your hand across your knotted hair. “Fuck. What did I just do?”
He arrives with very little time to spare.
Eyes rimmed with a fleshy vermillion, lips chapped and well-worn, and a body trembling in only an old ratty collegiate sweatshirt he used to live in during finals. You vaguely recall the adoration that flashed across his eyes when you bought it for him from a BOGO sale too good to pass that first year. It was infinitely simpler back then. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss those late night food binges and the begrudging trips to the gym at 9 AM. Or the pep talks before a big midterm. Or the random nights out in the city when staring at screens and textbooks for more than four hours became more likely to fry your brains than actually teach them. Or holding hands when he was scared of the corn maze and the time after your great-aunt passed. Or—
You just miss these moments. You miss him. The one that you could count on whenever you needed someone. It’s like that on your end and you don’t think it’ll ever cease until you find a proper reason to, but you can’t say the friendship is the same on his end anymore. But you can’t exactly say you’ve found your reason to tell him no, yet.
“—We broke up.”
He blurts it out so simply, easing himself inside your flat by first chucking off his shoes and then shutting and locking the door behind him. You can tell he’s trying not to cry like the last time he came to see you about a month ago. But he’s always been terrible at choking things down. Even the sobs are intertwining with his exhales.
“Oh, Hoseok.” You draw him into your arms without warning. He melts into your arms almost instantaneously, letting himself fall apart right in your foyer. Soon enough hiccups fill the air and dark splotches kiss the cotton of your T-shirt. And all the while, you pray that he can’t hear the pandemonium of your heart when he’s that close.
As he comes back down to a soft whimper, you manage to coax him over to your kitchen for a much needed cup of tea. It’s not much, definitely pales in comparison to the specialty machine he has back at his shared apartment, but Earl Grey’s foolproof when comforting him. And even if it doesn’t work, you just want his mind off crying for now. Your heart just clenches seeing him in so distant.
If it were that stupid lovestruck look then maybe you wouldn’t have batted much of an eyelash. Even back when he and Suzy were falling into the honeymoon phase felt like nothing. The entire ordeal was something you always mentally prepared yourself for when it came to him. Being as handsome and charming as he is, he made Prince Charming seem like next to nothing, and being best friends with someone on that caliber made you ever vigilant to the inevitable realities that someone, if not you, would steal his heart. But instead you have heartbreak, heartache, pain, and regret riddled across his visage as his deep breaths pushing away the billows of steam your way.
It prompts the questions in your head to come to a stop, and the one that pushes forth and gets spoken is an expected, “What happened?”
He glances up at you, inhaling deeply before answering, “We… well, we were arguing again. Usual stuff about finding something better for work. I mean I know interning isn’t bringing much in right now, but I want her to have some faith in me y’know? I’m so close to making it somewhere, Y/N. I know it. I fuckin’ feel it in my gut. But when I tell her that, she gets mad and tells me how I need to be more practical and if nothing’s happened by now then I should just quit and look somewhere else. I—I got mad. I told her that I just need her to believe in me. I asked her why she couldn’t do that, why she couldn’t do that like you. And she got upset, asked why I brought you up, but it’s true. You believe in me a hell of a lot more than she does, Y/N. Then I asked her why she didn’t like you because I have eyes and I can see the faces she makes when we’re all together y’know. And—and—and she started yelling and saying that if I wanted her to be like you so much then I should just go to you so I did. I couldn’t take it so I left.”
Your mouth falls open, “W-what?” You can’t even bear to process what he just told you. It’s replaying in your head but in an unpretty way—he did it for you he did it for you he did it for you—but you know that’s not the case. “Hoseok, you love her though.”
“Yeah, well, wouldn’t you believe in someone you love?” He forgoes the tea to run a hand through his hair. “Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore. All I really need is someone to be there.”
“But I don’t think she’d put up with you if she didn’t love you...” You trail off, feeling an uneasiness larger than when he arrived settle in the pit of your stomach. It’s not that you never anticipated a day where he’d come at your doorstep claiming that he ended things with Suzy, because of fucking course you have, as selfish as that is, you’ve wished for it relentlessly in hopes that somewhere in the between bits he would be in love with you too. But hearing the words of your fantasy fall off his lips so sloppily and so haphazardly, it feels so wrong and unsettling that you know today isn’t that day. Maybe it’ll never come. You can never be so sure to denounce the thought, but all you do know is that you should probably send him back to Suzy as soon as you can before you decide to be selfish.
Looking up, you find Hoseok has vacated his seat in favor of your meager liquor cabinet. He flashes you an impish grin when you meet eyes, a part of you already yielding to your heart. “Let’s have a drink. Then maybe you’ll loosen up with me again.”
Your brows furrow as a small frown forms, “Again? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You haven’t been yourself lately,” he says, pouring the Long Island cocktail into one of your shorter glasses. “You’re stiff and you don’t hang out as much.”
You walk over to him, taking a swipe at the bottle and bumping him out of the way. That alone has him stumbling a little but you don’t care considering you cleared away your favorite mugs from the area anyway. “It’s you who blows me off so that statement is bullshit.”
He frowns as you take over, completely unaware of what’s really running through your mind. You want to tell him your qualms to him being here, let him know that you’re no longer okay with being a second choice when things aren’t going okay with Suzy, but the words are clinging to your throat for dear life. It’s never been simple saying what’s on your mind, especially when what’s on your mind are conflicting statements; after all, what the hell can you say between “I’m so fucking in love with you” and “You need to leave to the woman you love?” To him, you probably appear upset because he blew you off for bowling with Suzy, again.
“Y/N.” He nudges your shoulder and imbues you with a warmth that you wish wouldn’t spread so close to your heart. You hate that despite how much you want to keep your gaze focused on your glass you can’t even have that with him so close. “C’mon, look at me.”
Rolling your eyes, you look at him with a raised brow. “What?”
“I—It…” He heaves a sigh, taking a step back. “It’s rocky with Suzy.”
“She doesn’t like me.” It’s the bitter truth, but the truth nonetheless. You’ve come to terms with the fact that you two may never actually become friends, let alone acquaintances, and it’s okay. It doesn’t make either of you any less civil toward one another. You give them space, and she’s supposed to give you and him yours.
He looks pained when he says your name again, and you feel your heart sink a little. Even when he says it’s over between them, you know it isn’t.
“I’m sorry. We won’t go into that, but you need to know that it’s not okay that you’ve been blowing me off. Like I get it was because of… that… but Hoseok I’m here for you constantly. You know that.” You take a small sip of the unmixed concoction, welcoming the warmth it leaves in your throat before continuing, “And it’s not fair that you can disappear on me for days on end, even on the ones where I need you, and you come back when you need me. This doesn’t work like that.”
“I—I can’t help that, Y/N. Like…” You can tell he’s hesitating now, and it isn’t until he gulps down a quarter of the cup before he finishes his train of thought, “Yeah, Suzy doesn’t like you. Truthfully, she’s jealous of our friendship but I’ve told her time and time again that there’s nothing between us. Sometimes it drives me nuts, but those times I miss out on us is just me trying to show her that… I love her. But that’s an excuse to you and I see it in your eyes, so I am sorry for not being there when you need me.”
“I can’t tell you it’s fine this time.” You take another swig, leaning against your counter. “But you’re hurting right now so I’ll pardon you for now.”
“Really?” He’s absolutely elated albeit confused. Even you’re questioning yourself right now. Why let him off easy? Why allow his shittiness as your best friend to continue? Why even humor him? Why bother?
But when you quirk a half-smile at him and find the confusion melting away, you know why. You love him, of course you do, and you know that at some point this will be over so why not enjoy what you can while it’s still there?
The bed whines beneath the two of you with the left side dipping down further as his sweatshirt-less form lays on his right and you settle on the right side and lay on your left.
This isn’t a rare scene. In fact, this is one that had played over and over for the nights he slips away from Suzy when everything gets a little too much. It even pays homage to all the simpler years when he would sleep over in high school just because it was more convenient to get errands done considering he was the first of you two to actually acquire a car and all the couple of years spent with Suzy where you two would cram for hours in one another’s dorm rooms. But it’s here where you two lay on the plush comfort, shoulders touching and breathing synchronized, where you wonder if you’re letting things get out of hand.
Wasn’t it when you let him come over?
It’s the nagging voice grimacing at you. The subpar reality of the situation that refuses to let you forget that having Hoseok over might’ve been the best thing to happen you in his post-break up haste, but it is the worst where your lack of control seems to run wild. You want to admit to everything and see what happens. You want your anxieties to be soothed as he accepts your heart and caresses even softer than he’s ever touched Suzy’s.
But when you open your mouth to speak, barely uttering his name, his voice pierces the low thrum of late-night drivers passing the complex. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”
You blink, the faint contours of his face still visible from the street lights flooding into the room. Hoseok is merely curious with a faint undertone of caution.
“Why?” You ask as your brows knit together, “Does it matter?”
“Yeah,” he replies, leaning closer. “I want to know if this is okay to be this close, to be here, period.”
“I mean there’s this guy Hyunwoo who’s been asking me out, but I haven’t given him a response.” You half-shrug with your free shoulder, a part of you feeling uneasy as your heart conjures up flutters and hopes that should mean absolutely nothing.
“Would you tell him yes?”
You half-shrug again, wondering if he’ll catch onto the fact that you’re deflecting. “I haven’t given it much thought.”
Lying too. You told Hyunwoo you were still dealing with something, and would give him a proper answer after everything blows over.
“Oh,” he says plainly. It makes your stomach flip. Goddammit, don’t look at me like that.
You softly chuckle, “Why the sudden interest in my love life, Hoseok?”
His hesitation makes your heart clench. The very veil of guilt that has slowly been getting stronger and stronger as you can feel the heat of his body radiating into yours and realize that it is no longer comfort that comes from him.
“Maybe we could… you know... “ He pauses before he can say it. The word. Or the few words to describe it. But regardless, they’re the words that could change everything, and you hate that as much as you’ve wanted to hear them, they don’t feel right at all. This isn’t what you pictured at all. And you tell yourself to remember your own promise to yourself, to him, and inadvertently, to Suzy. “Tr—”
“—Are you cold?” You rise from your position, looking at the window. “I can close it.”
“Oh, no. M’fine.” He smiles up at you, but you can see the small bit of disappointment on his visage that makes you want to reconsider changing the subject. He watches as you settle back into your spot, though the position is only a little further than before, he doesn’t even seem to notice.
Hoseok turns onto his back with thoughts practically piling around him like an aura. They’re loud and clear. All of them etched into the form of Suzy as he tries to stew in his own drunken stupor. He’s not crazy or anything, thankfully, but he certainly isn’t thinking clearly. The weight of the break up probably not even registering in his brain as he continues to lay there with his earlier question beginning to fall of his lips.
“Do you want to try though?” When you ask him what, he chuckles in response, “It. Sex. This. Us.”
You want to curse at him right then. Mostly at yourself. But you have a few choice words for the punk that you considered your best friend for so long and loved for a quarter of that time. You want to know why he would suddenly bring this up to you, why he thought it was okay to do them at all, because the pull of your heart’s strings makes you regret your next statement.
“Stop joking around, Hoseok.” You guffaw at him, turning your body away from him slowly. “Go to bed.”
“But—” You can practically see his pout.
“But nothing,” you tell the wall. “You’ll regret it in the morning so just sleep.”
There’s a sharp exhale from him but no other response.
Soon, he’s fast asleep.
You wake as he scrambles out of bed, trotting about your room for his clothing. Apparently, some time into the night, the few articles had vacated the area, and his ministrations do not cease as you sit up with hair in disarray.
There’s a mantra of I have to go I have to go I have to go that reaches you by the foot of the bed. His panicked visage only meeting yours after you call his name, it takes a brief moment but he manages to grab some ounce of control to kneel in front of you with knitted brows.
His eyes are freshly rimmed with red and lips worn even further with bits of dead skin at the corners. Concern overtakes you as you realize the tears are fresh and not leftover reminders from last night.
“Y/N, oh Y/N. Thank fucking god,” he says, releasing a relieved sigh. “Did we do anything last night? I woke up kinda naked and I’m freaking the fuck out because Suzy just called and she said she didn’t want to break up and fuck fuck fuck—”
“—No,” you shake your head fervently. “We didn’t. Don’t worry.”
“Really?” He runs a hand through his hair, almost ready to shed some more tears. “Thank fuck.”
You quirk a half-smile at him, nodding, “Go to her now.”
“Thank you.” Then he leaves within a flash and somehow you knew this would happen. Between the times you anticipated it and prepared yourself for it to now, you never would’ve imagined that you would’ve been the one to have regrets too.
Thinking that he would sway your way wholeheartedly was a pipedream, a haze that you almost thought you’d never wake from, but when the reality is this bitter and potent it’s almost hard not to acknowledge that there are people you need to let go whether you wish to or not, and despite all expectations, the circumstances just weren’t there and it’s time to say enough is enough.
So, when nights pass and the phone rings again, you decide not to answer.
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Pick a parcel that you can imagine holding in your hands, close your eyes and visualize. Take a deep breath and imagine opening it as vividly as you can. Once you're done, scroll down for your reading 🧡
To book a personal reading with me, click here
Someone likely tried to deceive you in the past or came to you with selfish motives. Perhaps there are people in your vicinity that intend your downfall in some way or the other. (this is someone from work or extended family)
You'll have the last laugh however.
I see mending of relationship with family by being at a distance from them. For some of you, I see you finding people who feel like family to you.
Your endurance, patience and strength will pay off. Had you lost something, felt hurt and raised your guards instantly in the process I see you getting something more and better than you anticipated.
Unexpected money or means if income for some too.
Taking a stand against people who constantly come at you.
Simply choosing to walk away from something that has only made you feel gaslighted, anxious and defeated.
I also heard the words- introspection, silence, success and fulfilment.
Heal and balance your heart chakra/emotional wounds, cook yourself a spicey and fulfilling meal, have a little red wine if you prefer.
A message you've been longing for will be coming to you. Some important and exciting message is on it's way from afar which will finally push things forward. I see a bow and arrow, things will move forward. Take your aim and shoot.
Travel plans might also happen once circumstances get better.
Past lovers or connections will be left on read, however new people/new love will appeal a lot to you. I see innocent and tender connections or romances happening. You might contemplate over it or fixate over doubts or emotions which make you worry or sad but take this opportunity and go with it.
Those complicated visions and unresolved puzzle like pieces will add up. You were right all along.
Expect a lot of strange and vivid dreams, message from your guides and ancestors. Please remember to meditate and stay hydrated or listen to theta waves or binaurals in order to get better sleep. You might also try cammomile.
An offer or a gift.
Abundance or an opportunity to create abundance could also be employment or even admission / getting accepted.
I heard - rise up, connect, reach out, gratitude.
Also, if you're doing quarantine work outs, that's gonna pay off too!
A new adventure
A new venture
Set your sights, what you've waited for is coming in and it's likely something you've spent months manifesting or affirming.
I hear the words - passion, completion, excitement
I see you attracting a lot of attention for some reason either your skills or talents are getting noticed or you went through an energetic upgrade or a physical glo up. So remember to weed out people trying to prey on this new found energy of yours.
Please, please remember to rest.
Some of you have the ability to lucid dream or are clairaudient perhaps get precognitive dreams as well.
A cycle of inaction is coming to an end too.
A see a reason to celebrate or feeling welcomed somewhere.
Some of you moving out from your current location too and meeting new people. There's no place for old or existing people here. This energy is fresh and vibrant.
Something you've been planning will be put to action too. I see a lot of side businesses or sales picking up globally in some way.
Some of you are literally attracting love, passionate yet strong love with likely a fire sign. I'm legit feeling a fire sign here. A soulmate, a twin flame literally whatever deep connection you believe in.
A lot of creative energies too, sacral chakra and solar plexus based. Like you're realizing your self worth and are doing things that make you feel excited and happy. You're literally calling in something, don't doubt how powerful your words and intentions can be.
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Honestly one of saddest scenes for me was this one
Why? Because when Catra asked her "What if the failsafe won't work because there isn't She-ra?" and when Adora looked at her and said "No it will work" almost chilling because she knows what her option B is if she can't transform to She-ra, she will be a sacriface. Adora went closer to her and told her that she it is okay and that she is ready in which Catra reacted like this.
This is the moment where Adora tell's her to run off and be safe but Catra says "No" in which Adora thinks that Catra dosen't want her to do this but Catra then hold's her hand and says that she will stay with her.
Reason why this made me sad and depressed is because Catra chooses to die with her and Why? Because she loves her ane she knows that Adora is scared and she dosen't want Adora to die alone so she chooses to die with her. She dosen't see world with out Adora worth living.
Of course what also makes this scene so sad is when Adora fall's in pain and her life force is fading away and her heart is beating slower which Catra notices and she start's to go in full panic mode begging Adora not to give up and to fight it.
Then she talks to her softly, reaches her hand and tell's her that she will be there for her and that she dosen't dare to give up on her now. Also the fact that Adora notices the hand but now Adora hesitates to grab Catra's hand because she is scared and she dosen't understand's why Catra is doing this for her. Then we finally hear those words
Adora totally a cute dumbo (she is uwu) dosen't process the words that Catra a person whom she fought, whom she tried so desperatly to get her back for such a long time (3 years passed since then) is saying to her that she loved her this entire time. Which gives her a push to wake up and make her "dream" reality. Adora asking her that she loves her and Catra being Catra kinda avoids it (because i assume she is insecure and dosen't understand if her feelings will be returned) call's her an idiot and smiles but then Adora gives her the softest look
and Catra (also dumbo) just stares at her
Honestly that scene reminded so much of season 1 the prom epizode on the cliff where they both stared at each other "softly". This kind of had a fuzzly feeling and you could actually see it, you can kind of feel what Catra and Adora are feeling for each other at the moment in which well you know what happeneds next
WOOO HOOO FINALLY
Man just wow. This show has been an emotional field trip. Seeing Catra and Adora struggling to communicate, having different objectives even tho they clearly weren't happy being apart from each other and also the fact well Catra always has been somewhat obsessed with Adora. I think we all could see ( well we all did i mean c'mon Catra) but that obession was more cry of her's for Adora to be in her life and i really appriciate and love slow burn's. Forgivness takes time, acceptence of other people feelings matter. The show's core was always Catra and Adora while i do think there were some things and tiny winy rushed and maybe lacking off ( i don't really mind and i understand really) maybe about info Grayskull, Glimmer's mom flashback, i kinda wanted to see more interactions between Scorpia and Catra ( i loved the hug but i would kinds like to see them talking but i'm stll except goodest girl scorpia to forgive her). But either way i'm really happy, part of me was doubtful and i won't lie but i'm so happy that it finally happened. Finally no baiting people, thank you Noelle <3.
p.s last thing i do maybe hope we might see some comics or something like that but that would be just my sadness that show is over and i dunno what to do with my life now.
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If you feel it, maybe “dean, my vessel is malfunctioning.”?
Thank you for the prompt! Here you have the silly, smutty, little something I came up with
“Dean, I think my vessel is malfunctioning,” Castiel says into the phone.“What? What’s going on?” Dean asks, agitated. He knew it was a bad idea letting Cas go on a single hunt in his state. His grace has been drained and he’s not really human yet, but he doesn’t have all his angelic mojo either. Dean shouldn’t have let him go, he should have insisted on him staying in the bunker.“My penis is erect.”Dean blinks into his coffee mug. He thought he was awake but he must be still dreaming because there’s no way in hell Castiel has just said what Dean heard.“I know it is its natural function, but I am not sexually aroused. I just woke up and it was erect. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that without sexual stimulation.”Dean huffs out a laugh. He’s still mortified, but at the same time, he’s relieved. At least Cas isn’t actually hurt.“It’s just a morning wood, Cas. It happens.”“Has it happen to you?” Cas asks with doubt in his voice and Dean doesn’t need to see him to know he’s squinting.“Yeah, Cas. Many times. It’s nothing to worry about.”“But what do I do about it?”Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. When did his life become this particular shade of absurd?“It will pass. You can take a cold shower to make it quicker.”“That doesn’t sound pleasant,” Cas answers. He’s been such a princess ever since he started to have more human sensations. He hates cold and his nose is really sensitive so he sniffs everything and he will groan and moan when he has to sleep on a hard mattress or under scratchy blankets. Just the thought of Cas’ grumpy face makes Dean smile.“Well, you can also-” Dean stops himself. He can’t say that. No, he’s not going to say that to his angelic best friend.“I can what, Dean? Is there a more pleasant way to get rid of it?”Dean feels the heat rising into his cheeks. He’s desperately trying not to imagine Cas with a boner.“You can… touch it? Make yourself, uh, release?”“You mean masturbate?”
Dean lets his forehead hit the table.“Yeah, Cas, I mean masturbation. Get yourself off. You’ll get rid of your morning wood and have some new pleasant experience as a bonus.”“Hm.”“Alright, I’m gonna leave you to that,” Dean says ready to hang up, but Cas stops him.“Wait, Dean, how do I do that?”“What?”“I’ve never done that before, Dean,” he sounds exasperated. “I know people do it, but I usually try not to watch them.”Dean sighs remembering the one time Cas entered his room without knocking and caught Dean with his hand on his cock.“Alright, alright. Just wrap your hand around it? Not too loose, you need to find how tight you like it. Then move your hand up and down.” He can’t believe this is really happening.There’s a little disgruntled sound on the other end of the line. “Dean, it isn’t pleasant.”“What? You are doing it now?”“You told me to-”“Yes, but, you can’t-”“Oh, I see. It is not customary to talk about those things with other people.”“Not really, not with your friends.”“Who then?”“Your… um… usually, you only do this with your… lover?”“Oh, I see.” There’s a moment of silence. Dean should take advantage of it and find a way out of this awkward situation, but he seems frozen with his hand gripping the phone tightly and pressing it to his ear.“I guess this isn’t a usual situation,” Cas says very softly.Dean closes his eyes. “No, it isn’t.”“So, will you help me, Dean?”Dean swallows thickly. Don’t imagine him, don’t imagine him.“What’s wrong?”“It just… there’s too much friction, I don’t like it.”Dean gives up. He’s going to go with the flow and recover from the consequences later.“Spit into your palm. Get your cock wet. It will feel better.”He actually hears Cas spitting. His own cock gives an interested twitch.“Hm… Dean, that’s better. Oh.”Dean clenches his teeth. It’s impossible to not imagine Cas jerking off and Dean’s getting hard himself. This is the last chance to end this or he’ll be in too deep.“Okay, Cas, I think you’re good now. Enjoy the ride. I’ll call you later today.”“Wait, DeanDean swallows back a moan at the needy undertone in Cas’ husky voice.“What now?” he whispers.“I think your voice is helping.”Dean’s heart skips a beat. “Cas-” he breathes out.“Yes, Dean. Oh, this is good.”And that’s it. Dean is fully erect in his pants and his lower brain is getting in charge.“Don’t rush it, Cas. Make it last. It will be better in the end.”“Alright, alright, Dean.” His breathing is labored, his voice even huskier than usual. Dean palms himself through his jeans.“Use your other hand to play with your balls,” Dean suggests mentally convincing himself he’s only doing this to help his friend enjoy his first masturbatory experience.He gets a long pleased hum as a response and can’t hold back anymore. He opens his zipper and whips his cock out.“Do you like it?” he asks because he needs to hear Castiel’s breathy voice again.“Yeah,” Cas downright moans. Dean throws his head back, jerking his cock frantically. “I see why people spend so much time doing this.” Dean chuckles. He takes his own advice and spits into his palm.“What was that?”Dean freezes with his wet hand on his cock. “I, ugh, it was-”“Dean, are you masturbating too?” There’s no shaming in his tone, just a surprise, and something Dean deciphers as fascination. He bites his lip and nods. Then he realizes Cas can’t see that.“Yeah.” It must be barely audible. The moan on the other end is loud, though.“Dean, did you get erect while talking to me about masturbating?” The way he says it makes Dean believe he actually enjoys the idea pretty much.“Yeah. It happens.” He admits and starts stroking himself slowly.“Did you… oh, did you imagine me doing it? Is that what got you hard?”Dean doesn’t reply. He can’t. The words are stuck in his throat. He can barely breathe. And he’s so hard it’s almost painful.“Because I do that, I… I imagine you and it… oh, Dean, it makes me harder I… Dean, my cock is leaking.” The last part is said with a bit of concern.“It’s okay, babe,” Dean hears himself saying like his own voice is coming from far away. “Keep going, Cas, keep going.”“Dean!” Cas moans and Dean has to bite his lip to the point of pain to avoid coming too soon. “Dean, say something. Say you are enjoying this too.”“Yeah, Cas, I like this. I like you coming from hearing my voice.”“Yes, I’m… Dean, I’m gonna…”“Let go, babe, come for me.”The sounds Cas makes and the mental image that paints of him spilling over his fingers, tip Dean over the edge.He shakes with the strength of the orgasm, gasping for breath, riding the waves of pleasure. He’s vaguely aware of the sounds he makes, but he has no capacity to care.Then there’s silence on both ends except for their heavy breaths rattling through the speakers.“Dean?”“I’m here,” he says dumbly.“It was wonderful, Dean, thank you.”“Yeah, uhm, Cas… I think we-” he trails off. He doesn’t have the strength to say it even though he knows he should. He should tell Cas they should forget about this, never talk about it, never let anything like that happen again.“I wish we could do that again,” Cas says very softly. Dean’s heart is aching. “I wish I could actually see you. I wish I could touch you like that, be touched by you like that.”“Cas,” Dean sighs squeezing his eyes shut.“I know it would require us becoming lovers and you make it clear you don’t want that-”The words are like a cold shower waking Dean up from the mushy dream he was floating in. “What? How did I make myself clear about that?”“You said it on many occasions that you are only sexually interested in women.”“I… um…”“And besides that, you made it clear you are not looking for a relationship.”“Look, Cas, I don’t know what exactly I have said, but… sometimes I say things, because-” he has to take a deep breath to gather courage. His voice is still unsteady when he continues. “Sometimes I say things that aren’t really true because I want to hide the truth because… because it-”“Because it makes you vulnerable?”“Yeah, Cas, that’s it.”“Dean, I wish you could let yourself be vulnerable around me. I wish you trusted me. I would never hurt you.”“I do,” Dean whispers after a pause.Castiel doesn’t say anything, Dean suspects he’s giving him space. He takes it gladly because he needs a moment to get himself together.His heart is still beating frantically and he feels lightheaded when he finally breaks the silence.“I want that too, Cas. I want to touch you. Hell, I’ve been dreaming about touching you for so long, I imagined how you’d sound when you-” he cuts himself off and hears a silent laugh on the other end. “I also want to be close to you. Emotionally. I mean… I think we are already, we just…”“We just didn’t let it exceed friendship.”Dean smiles at how perfectly Cas finishes his sentences. “Yeah. But I think by having phone sex we already took the step.”They both laugh at that. It’s small and soft and intimate.“So you want to… take me as your lover?”“Damn, Cas, why do you have to make it sound so weird?”“I’m sorry, Dean, why-”“But yeah, Cas, I want to be your boyfriend, partner, lover, whatever. I wanna be with you that way.”He can practically hear the smile in Castiel’s voice and it makes his heart melt.“I’m really looking forward to being done with this case so I can come home to you.”“Yeah, me too, Cas,” Dean grins.
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INFP 4w5 here. It worries me that my enneagram type is always described as "being naturally drawn to the dark side of life" because... doesn't that mean we can never be fully happy? Like, I struggle a lot with constantly feeling witdrawn from the present bc I'm always thinking about sad stuff. Now I'm trying to adopt a more positive mindset so I can stop overthinking 24/7 and allow myself to live in the momrnt and have fun, but I don't really know where to start. Do you have any tips for that?
It should worry you, because worrying about it shows you’re self-aware. Too many 4′s never find self-awareness, wallow in bleakness, and wind up doing themselves (and others) harm. The purpose of Enneagram is to highlight your fear and defense methods so you can move toward a greater self. That’s the point of Integration. When Healthy 4′s mature into themselves, their 4 takes on the principled objectify of the 1.
The hardest thing for a 4 of either wing will be to learn that you are not your feelings. You are not defined by your feelings. You are MORE than your feelings.
The feelings of the 4 can be inconsistent, moody, dark, dramatic, and full of self-doubt and insecurity. Those feelings will tell you life won’t ever get any better. But emotions are just… emotions. They are fleeting unless we choose to dwell on them. And 4′s instinctively dwell. They can’t move past it quickly like the other heart types. The danger is in getting lost.
So, how do you combat this?
You’ve already taken the first step – becoming aware of what you’re doing, when you’re doing it. That’s half the battle won, because it shows intense self-awareness. You can cope by analyzing your motives and what you’re REALLY running away from, and by catching yourself in a mood, and deliberately shifting your thoughts into a different, more positive direction. 1′s more objective. They care less about being seen as different. They actualize their emotions rather than simply dwelling in them. They are aware of reality, centered, and calm.
Stay busy. You will not have time to feel as melancholy or to mope when you have things to do, when you are focusing your mental concentration on being productive, on learning, on experiencing, or on self-improvement. Your 5 wing craves knowledge. Read. A LOT. Not novels, either. Read books that feed your Te and Ne. Psychology. Enneagram. Personalities. Self-Help. Improvement. It’s likely you get more melancholy when you have more time to brood.
Have a positives list. To avoid thinking about sad things, have a prewritten list of good things in your life, which you are grateful for, that you look at whenever you feel sad. First, though, you have to say “no” to your mind and deliberately focus on something else. You may have to do this 1 time, or 100 times, but if you keep telling yourself no, and intentionally re-focusing, you will teach your mind to do it automatically.
Learn to appreciate what you have. Instead of criticizing or nitpicking the person who is beside you, choose to focus on and remember all the things you love about them. If you find yourself missing people when they’re gone, and despising them when they’re there, catch yourself doing it and stop. Form a more realistic and objective view of them. Then treat them with gratitude.
Look ahead, not back. The past has good and bad things, but if you’re always peering into your rear view mirror, you will never see where you are going. The past is gone. The future lies ahead. The future is exciting, because it is unknown. Keep a dream board or diary with the most wonderful, imaginative possibilities that COULD happen to you in the next five years. Look at it. Think about it. Become excited. Imagine how you could PURSUE some of them (grow your 1!). Start making plans! (This goes back to the first suggestion - stay busy.)
Focus on what needs to be done. 4′s tend to be negative. Negative people do not move forward. So, instead of finding reasons why not to do things, do them. Come up with a plan. Use the self-help and organizational books you’ve read. ;)
Be present. Same thing as refocusing your mind – yank it away from Elsewhere into Now. Again, and again, and again. Until it works. A good clue is to truly tune in to other people – what they are saying, what their face is saying, what their eyes are saying. Listen to them deeply. Look into their soul. 4′s can get too caught up in their own feelings, they miss the anchor that will pull them into the present – 100% listening to and engaging with the person beside them.
Focusing on your talents. 4′s tend to envy others. They look at them, think they have a better life, or more skill, self-confidence, etc., etc. Stop comparing. Look at yourself and focus on what you CAN do instead. Do that, and you will come into a place of self-confidence and independence, because you’re taking the energy you could be burning off on comparisons and angst and channeling it instead into “how do I get even BETTER at what I do?” (1 again! ;)
Some helpful mantras: “I grow through my experiences. I choose to let go of my past hurts. I want to be here, in the present. I am more than my feelings. I appreciate the beauty and goodness in life. I can inspire the world through my gifts. I am happy to be me.”
- ENFP Mod
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Reine Ruse Part 3
Hello again all! I hope that you guys are having a great week! I’m really excited to see what you all think of this chapter. I hope that it lives up to your expectations! I do want to note that I drew a lot of inspiration for Chloe and Chat Noir’s conversation in this chapter from @miraculouscontent ‘s “Been there, done Chat” installment of their LadyBugOut universe. (If you are on this website and have by some strange twist of fate not seen this au, I suggest that you go look at it now. It’s AWESOME.)
Also, let’s pretend that either Princess Fragrance didn’t happen or Chloe has totally forgotten what Tikki looked like, okay?
Anyway, I think that’s all for now... I hope that you enjoy! Once again, feel free to message me if you’d like to be added to the tag list or if you’ve asked before and I’ve forgotten. Computers are hard sometimes. :)
As soon as Chloe saw a flash of blonde hair leaping across the street towards her balcony and Chat Noir landed on the stone before her, out of breath, everything made sense.
“Where is --” She didn’t even let him finish asking before she wound up and slapped him in the face. “Ow! Hey, what the --”
“Stop.” She was too angry to fight the urge to flinch as her mother’s voice left her lips. Sharp enough to cut glass and shatter dreams, it stopped Chat Noir mid-sentence. “Sit down,” face hard, she gestured to one of the patio chairs behind him. “We are going to have a conversation, Chat Noir. And you are not going to leave, move, or even open your mouth until I am finished, do you understand?”
Still gaping like a fish, he fell back onto a chair, likely more from shock than anything else. Good. Unfortunately, she didn’t have Pollen or her powers right now, so if he actually decided to fight back there was, realistically speaking, not much she could do. She hoped that he wouldn’t hurt a civilian, but the way he’d apparently just been chasing Ladybug across the city like a goddamn predator was causing her to have second thoughts. It would be better if she could get this all out before he decided how to react. Even if he didn’t listen to her, she could at least give Ladybug time to work out a plan or get away. Keeping her face carefully blank, she delicately lowered herself into a chair across from him, back ramrod straight and ankles crossed, staring dead into his eyes.
“I want you to listen to me very carefully. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you’ve been living under a fucking rock or something and you don’t know the kind of monumental asshole you’re being. I want to tell you a story about my best friend, Adrien. You probably at least know of him, considering his face is plastered across half of Paris. He’s a model, and even though he’s not even in lycee yet, he’s dealt with a gross amount of sexual harassment. Girls will pursue him and hang over him and touch him without his consent. It makes him feel insecure and uncomfortable in his own skin. I can’t even fucking count the number of times I’ve had to step in at a modeling event. I hate those fucking things, I only go because I know that if I don’t keep an eye on Adrien his fucking deadbeat dad won’t either and Adrien’s too unsure of himself to tell people off, even when they’re harassing him. He’s had to take out restraining orders against people and be nervous about stalkers finding him. The things that it’s done to that boy emotionally… it’s really profoundly shitty for anyone to go through. So, imagine my surprise when Ladybug drops by for a visit because there’s apparently no one else she can fucking turn to and starts making the same excuses for her goddamn partner that I’ve heard Adrien make for more than one of his harassers! ‘He doesn’t mean it,’ she said, ‘That’s just how he is,’ she said, ‘I’m just being sensitive and stupid,’ she said.” Chloe’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I really don’t know what your fucking problem is, cat boy, but I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and stop sexually harassing the partner you’re supposed to be protecting and supporting before you damage her self-image any more. Do I make myself clear?”
Chat Noir sat stiffly in his chair, eyes blown wide and mouth gaping. If it had been any other situation, Chloe would have been running for a camera to capture his more-moronic-than-usual expression, but, as it was, she merely continued to glare at him until he jolted out of whatever stupor he’d been in. “But,” he sputtered, “but, it’s different! We’re meant to be! The ladybug and the black cat! Ladybug and Chat Noir! It’s destiny!”
Chloe felt her nails dig into her palms as she fisted her hands. “What?” her voice was dangerously low.
Chat didn’t seem to notice her growing rage. “She flirts with me all the time and she kissed me, twice. We were chosen for this -- we’re soulmates! Why can’t she see that?”
Chloe stepped forward, channeling all of her pent-up anger into her arm, and punched Chat Noir firmly in the face. She felt a stab of righteous satisfaction when she saw the blood dripping from his nose, even if her hand did hurt like hell. “Do you have any fucking idea what you sound like right now?” She had lost all control on the volume of her voice and was practically screaming at the superhero sitting before her, clutching his bloody nose. “You sound like one of those psychos who straight up murder women because they won’t talk to them on the fucking street. News flash alley cat, Ladybug is a fucking human being. She has her own life and her own feelings and she seems pretty fucking sure that you are, not, in fact, in a relationship and that you’re making her really uncomfortable with your shitty ‘nice-guy’ behavior. You have no right to any emotions or relationship that she does not want to give you because you don’t own her. God, I don’t know what absolute fucking moron picked such an entitled ass to protect Paris, but, if I ever meet him I’ll punch him too. Now, Ladybug has made it clear that she does not want to see you, so I suggest that you scram before I make you, and go have a long, hard think about your behavior, capiche?” She hefted her fists again threateningly and was pleased with the speed at which Chat Noir flung himself off of her balcony and into the night. Well, that was one problem sorted. She turned and walked back through the patio doors of her suite, features melting into a worried frown. Ladybug...
“Spots off!” Marinette choked out as soon as she’d slammed the door of Chloe’s bathroom behind her, sinking to the floor as her transformation faded. Tikki felt herself gather out of the disappearing super suit and flew to hug her chosen’s cheek as soon as she was corporeal. Marinette buried her head in her arms and started sobbing, her entire body shaking. The tiny god’s blood boiled as she wiped away her chosen’s tears with paws that always seemed too small for the girl’s sorrows. She couldn’t believe the nerve of that cat! Not only to be so clingy and prying and personal on a patrol but to chase her bug across the city like he was hunting her afterward? It broke Tikki’s heart to see her chosen so distraught and the last thing she wanted to do was to leave her, even for a moment, but if Chat had come after them, she had to scope out the situation in case they needed to run again. Tikki pressed a kiss to Marinette’s forehead and then floated up to lock the bathroom door before phasing through it.
She moved quietly down the hallway, floating close to the wall where she could easily hide. She peered around the corner toward the balcony doors and was greeted with the sight of Chloe slapping Chat Noir in the face. A bolt of vindictive joy shot through her as Chloe sat her bug’s partner down and gave him a thorough tongue lashing about how he’d been treating Marinette. Well, Ladybug, but tomato, tomato. She nearly flew out of cover, vibrating with anger at the entitled way he talked about her chosen. Because of what, two kisses, one which took place to save him from being brainwashed -- again -- and another that neither of them could remember and some mid-battle banter he thought that she owed him a relationship?! Fortunately, Chloe liked that particular line of thinking about as well as she did and all Chat Noir got out of it was a bloody nose. Tikki watched silently as Chloe chased Chat Noir off of her balcony, clenching her bruised hand and nearly shaking with rage. As soon as he was gone, a change swept over her chosen’s enemy-turned-protector.
Chloe slumped, the anger draining out of her, and turned back towards the balcony doors, a worried frown marring her features. She took a single deep breath, stepped determinedly back inside and looked around. Tikki could still hear the faint sound of her chosen’s sobs down the hallway and, after taking a moment to think about it, she flew out of her hiding place. “Hello, Chloe.”
Chloe’s eyes widened dramatically and her jaw fell open. “You-you're --” she looked down the hallway. “Is she okay?”
The mother in Tikki felt a fierce flash of approval that the first thing that Chloe thought of was her bug. Good. She looked back over her shoulder. “She’s… having a tough time. Thank you for what you did for her.”
Chloe glanced back toward the balcony and then down at her bruised knuckles. “I shouldn’t have had to.” She said quietly.
“I know.” Tikki’s voice was understanding as her heart swelled with an unexpected fondness for the girl. She flitted closer and gestured at Chloe’s hand. “May I?”
Chloe looked confused but nodded and Tikki pressed her paws onto the bruises and closed her eyes, concentrating. A moment later she flew away satisfied and Chloe flexed her fingers, surprised that the pain was gone.
“How did -- you know what, never mind. If you can rebuild half the city in half a minute, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.” She shifted her weight from one foot to another. “What should I do now?” The words were uncertain.
“Let’s go see.” Tikki held a small paw out towards Chloe, who reached forward and softly curled her fingers around it and they moved together down the hallway, drawing to a halt outside the bathroom door.
“Ladybug?” Chloe questioned, gingerly laying a hand against the door as muffled sobs sounded from inside.
“Is he gone?” The heroine sniffled.
“Yeah,” Chloe replied. “I sent him packing. He had no right to do that to you.”
“...Thank you.” The words were quiet and still too despondent.
“... I may have punched him in the face.”
That drew a startled watery chuckle out from the other side of the door.
“Ladybug… what can I do?” Chloe’s mouth shaped the words hesitantly.
“I… I don’t know. I guess…” she trailed off.
“What?” Chloe coaxed gently. She’d picked up rather quickly on the fact that Tikki’s chosen was unusually timid when it came to self-advocacy, especially in the face of the bold front she presented towards supervillains. There could be times, Tikki knew well, that trying to encourage Marinette to admit that she wanted or needed something could be not so different from coaxing a wounded animal out of the brush. For all her usual brashness, Chloe was getting better at reading her chosen’s moods and responding accordingly. Not for the first time that week, Tikki bitterly thought that the Bourgeois girl, of all people, would make a better partner for her bug right now.
“I…” Marinette took a large, gasping breath from behind the door. “... A hug. I really, really need a hug right now.”
Chloe looked at the door, at Tikki, and back at the door. Her eyes sparked and she bolted down the hallway towards her bedroom, running back just as quickly clutching a yellow and black scarf in her hand. Upon reaching the bathroom door, she raised her hands and tied the scarf across her eyes as a blindfold.
“Open the door,” Chloe said. “I can’t see you, I promise.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Tikki felt a breeze of displaced air against her form as she saw the door open. She flew down to assume her customary comforting place, nestled against Marinette’s neck as her chosen looked at Chloe with teary eyes. Tikki was nearly dislodged as Marinette threw herself at the blonde, sending both of them to the hallway floor.
She couldn’t believe it when she’d heard the door open. She believed it even less when she felt Ladybug’s civilian form crash into her, their knees knocking together and Chloe’s elbow banging into the wall behind her as she fell to the floor. She bit back a curse at the tingling that was running down her arm and wrapped her arms around Ladybug’s shoulders. She felt the superheroine’s hands grasp the back of her shirt as she sobbed into her arms. She raised a hand and carded her fingers through Ladybug’s hair, trying to make appropriately soothing sounds.
Chloe was hyper-aware of the warm skin of Ladybug’s arms that brushed against her own. She was glad that Ladybug’s head was buried in her neck because, despite the shitty circumstances, she was sure her face was about as red as Lahiffe’s fucking baseball cap. This is so not the time, Bourgeois. After a while, Chloe could feel her legs start to go numb as her body complained from the lack of movement and the presence of a superhero that was about eighty percent on top of her at the moment. She didn’t particularly want to move, but Ladybug’s sobs had trailed off, and she knew that she had to at least try to get the superheroine out of her own head so that she didn’t do something stupid like twist the events of the evening to blame herself.
“So, uh, do you want to watch a movie?”
Ladybug barked out a short laugh and shifted off of Chloe, hands raising to presumably wipe her eyes. “Yeah,” she said softly. “I’d like that.”
@demydreamer-otaku-and-book-lover , @anastasian-dreamer , @donegonewrong , @twinkletoes-rp , @asandygraves , @fatimaabbasrizvi , @im-here-for-the-content , @theorangelizard , @captainrose35 , @pleasefollowmeuwu , @the-ice-goddess
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I dream of dead miraculous holders
AU idea that most of the heroes die in the end with the battle of hawkmoth. Marinette is the only one who makes it out with no injuries, because fusing the ladybug earrings and the chat noir ring at the end of the battle healed all her injuries as a side effect. A few of the heroes survived, but all found themselves with disabilities. Luka will never walk again, Kagami lost an arm, Rose is blind and suffers chronic pain.
But the threat is over now. And they all still address her with respect and admiration after all these years. She saved the world, and so did they. But compared to what she lost, what they lost, was it really worth it?
She keeps in touch with the Lahiffes, hears how well Chris is doing in high school. The Cesaires tell her how successful Nora has become, how Ella won a soccer championship and Etta has gotten really into painting. She never hears anything from the Agrestes. There aren’t any left after all. She doesn’t keep in touch with Chloe’s parents either. She hears about the world moving on, the world celebrating her victory with festivals all over the world. Monuments are erected all over the city, commemorating the fallen heroes.
It doesn’t feel the same, living without them now.
Being the guardian has it’s perks though. Because in her dreams they’re all there.
Nino tells her it was worth it. He’s spinning his hat in his hands the same way he’d toss his shield as carapace. Tossing, catching, tossing again. He’s rather casual about it, as he was about most things. Says he’d do it again in a heartbeat. Marinette tells him that he shouldn’t have had to. He shrugs. S’okay. It wasn’t ever about what i had to do, you know? She knows. She hates it.
Alya tells her about all the exciting things happening in the world, and she smiles so brightly and her eyes light up like they always did when she was talking about something she was passionate about. Marinette argues that it’s not fair if she isn’t there to see them. Alya tells her not to worry about that, that that’s not the point. It was never the point.
Chloe acts like its obvious. Of course it was worth it, that’s a stupid question, surprising for you to ask, Ladybug. She still talks up to her as if she were an idol, looking at her with doll eyes and insinuating their best-friendship in every sentence she can. In death, she must know that Ladybug was Marinette all along. Chloe doesn’t seem to care about that though.
Chat Noir tells her that he loves her and that he misses her. She says she misses him too. She says she’s sorry, and he asks for what. Cmon, my lady! We saved the world! I wish I could be there with you, but hey! This isn’t so bad. You’re safe after all, and that’s all I could ever want. Go out and live in the world we made! Go and do all the things we always talked about doing! She tells him she only wanted to do those things if he could do them with her. He doesn’t respond to that.
Kim and Max always come together. They finish each others sentences. When she asks, they look at each other and nod. 100% certain, 100% sure. On some level she knows this cant just be a dream, because she still doesn’t really understand everything that Max says. His mind was always up in the stars, translating the secrets he found in them into words for everyone else to hear. She wishes she were smart enough to understand him. She never appreciated his brilliance when she had the chance to. Kim always tells him not to worry about what he’s saying, and does some cool trick you can only do in dreams. She always laughs. Even if she doesn’t mean it.
Juleka comes alone. She can never really get an answer out of her. She’s always looking up, talking about the rain. She never really understood what she meant, until a few days later when Rose tells her she’s growing violets on Juleka’s grave.
Ivan never speaks, but he does smile. Mylene touches her cheek and tells her not to doubt the battles end. That she’s happy here. That she’s proud of what she accomplished.
Alix looks different every time. Sometimes she’s older, sometimes she looks like a teenager. Sometimes she’s Bunnyx, and sometimes she manifests as the young girl Marinette met in pre-school all those years ago. I always knew it would end this way. I couldn’t change it even if I wanted to. Trust me, i tried. Marinette asks her if she’s okay with the result. The result isn’t over. This end is not the end. There is still so much work to be done. She never stays for long, she’s always busy. With what? Marinette doesn’t know. She’s the only one who shows up in her hero costume, Marinette reasons that’s why she never found the rabbit miraculous. She never had much control over that one as the she did with the others. It was always meant to belong to Alix anyhow. Neither bothered to follow the rules.
Sabrina has never looked so free. Marinette had never seen her in a dress before, but she’s always wearing one when she comes to visit now. A lot about Sabrina has changed. She never stops talking. It’s hard to get a word in, so she just lets her speak. Marinette gets the feeling she never got to much. She wants to ask her the question she asks everyone, but she already knows the answer. It greets her with a smile every time she visits, paired with a fun fact about water filtration systems and a top ten list of cretaceous dinosaurs from South America. Sabrina isn’t bothered. Sabrina is happy.
They’re all happy.
There was one other dream she had. It only came once. She had found herself in a park, with a light blue sky and soft green grass. And there HE was, sitting on a picnic blanket, throwing a giggling toddler Adrien in the air. Gabriel is laughing. Child Adrien is smiling. His wife is there, happy and charming as ever. And it makes her so angry. He doesn’t deserve a good dream. After all the hurt he caused. After all he’d done, all the death, all the pain, all the suffering. She wants to move, she wants to lash out, to take Adrien away and scream. But she can’t move. He doesn’t even see her.
Emilie sighs a summer sigh, chuckling at the two of them, before looking over at her. She’s beautiful in person. Adrien looks so much like her. Her smile falters slowly, and there’s a sad look in her eye. “I wish things could’ve stay like this. I’m sorry.”
And she knows it’s not his dream.
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a non-physical, hidden quality that their s/o loves about them
featuring: midoriya, todoroki, kirishima, shinso, and amajiki
midoriya looks very soft and adorable with his bright eyes and freckled cheeks. however, that does not go amiss by those who know him as a ‘problem child.’ they fail to recognize that he’s always been that way, though. being a hero was always a part of his future plans, with or without a quirk. his perseverance to make his dream come true is nothing but an inspiration to you. you can admit that sometimes he goes overboard to the point where he’s almost destroyed his body countless times, but the fact that he always gets back up again points to a destiny of greatness. it’s the same as how he was when he had a crush on you. no matter how many times he felt like a lovesick fool, he can’t blame himself now that you’re in love with him too.
todoroki is a very pretty yet mysterious boy and there’s no denying that. underneath all that mystery, however, lies someone with an attentive and supportive ear. he’s very good at listening to people, especially those he cares about the most. you are no exception. in fact, he loves listening to you talk. he’s thought this before but he’d listen to you read the dictionary or something mundane like that. he tries his best not to but sometimes he’ll zone out or doze off while listening, especially if he’s cozy in your arms or vice versa. his chest gets tight when you’re sad and feel like crying, but luckily he’s always there to kiss and comfort your tears away. he’ll listen to all your doubts and worries, hoping that he could take away or relieve all your pain, just like you’ve done for him.
kirishima has it all when it comes to being an ideal partner: attractive, strong, positive, caring, living his life to the manliest. the best thing, though, is that he’s very expressive about his feelings. you’re never confused about where you stand with him and if you are, he’ll make it a personal mission to show you and tell you just how loved you are by him. he isn’t frugal with kisses either. it becomes a nightly routine for him to look you right in the eyes as he tells you all the things he loves about you, only stopping to give you an occasional kiss. “meeting you was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i want to be the best that i can be for you!” little does he know, he’s already the best. he probably can’t give you the world, but he’d do anything for your smile and love.
shinso seems quite aloof and indifferent to most people a majority of the time. and most people would be correct in that assumption. he builds walls and keeps them up indefinitely but luckily, you were able to break them down and see the truly compassionate person underneath. he takes very good care of things he loves, like his cat. he’s also quite crafty and puts a lot of heart and effort into the things he creates. for the first few weeks of your relationship, his love language specifically consisted of making you little paper cranes that he’d leave for you to find. he had to learn to care about another person because he never thought he would love someone as much as he loves you. fortunately, he couldn’t ask for a more understanding and patient person to have by his side.
amajiki doesn’t hide his overwhelming amounts of apprehension and anxiety very well and anyone can see that. some might wonder how he’s one of the top three students in the hero course with how openly ‘cowardly’ he can be. despite all that, he’s very courageous and most people don’t get to see it very often. the fact that he aspires to be more heroic and bright, like mirio, is what’s most important. he can be very insecure about his day-to-day demeanor when it comes to your relationship but it’s never bothered you at all. you find it rather admirable that he’s not afraid to feel what he’s feeling but also that he’s worked hard enough to be able to show how brave he can be. there are times when he feels overwhelming amounts of love that he just needs to kiss or hold you and the fact that he feels comfortable and brave enough to do that means the world to you.
back again with another bnha night! requests are open for your convenience..
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headcanon: jaime reyes.
requested by @wonderbreadwoman: Hey!!! Your writing is incredible! I was wondering if I could request relationship HCs with a Hispanic reader and Jaime Reyes? You don’t need to talk about how their cultures alight I just see a lot of fics with Latino characters who’s entire fic is like “he has fun teaching u Spanish!” “She loves introducing you to new ~exotic~ food” Thanks!!!
Hi, thank you for the compliment! Sorry if this wasn’t what you wanted but thank you for sending in this request! Also sorry if it’s quite short. Hope you enjoy!
Jaime is very in-tune with your thoughts; he is, in other words, very sensitive to your feelings and if you ever have insecurities or doubts, Jaime will always try his damn best to make sure you have no such thoughts, even if it’s just for a short while.
He showers you with a lot of affection and if you happen to be outside, Jaime wouldn’t even hesitate to either wrap his arm around you or hold on to your hand as the two of you would go on a walk.
You like to think that Jaime is very sincere and honest, even with his quirky conversations with the Scarab so whenever Jaime is feeling doubtful because why would you want to be with someone who has a scarab attached to the base of his spine, you will also shower Jaime with love and affection. You like giving Jaime hugs and running your hand through his hair.
One of the things the both of you like to do is go volunteering together - it doesn’t really matter for which cause but it’s something that the both of you enjoy doing together. Jaime finds those times his favourite because that’s when you shine the brightest for him - with the way you treat little kids who have lost their parents to treating elderly with tender, love and care warms his heart and sometimes, the way you would look at him like he is your sun, makes him fall in love with you over and over again.
(Even though the two of you are still quite young, Jaime is already planning on proposing to you because he really cannot see himself without you by his side? You understand his duty, you take care of him as a person and even understand him as the Blue Beetle and his Scarab is also quite taken with you too, often prompting his dreams with a lot of indecent images that occasionally causes Jaime to not be able to look you in the eyes for an hour or two due to how intense/vivid those images are).
If anyone dared to say something hurtful to you (if you haven’t already tore into them for calling either you or Jaime names), he will stand up for you (all the while trying to keep the Scarab at bay because someone is threatening you???).
The same goes for him too if your family ever say anything bad about Jaime, you are the first to defend him because they don’t know Jaime as well as you! So they have no right to say anything about your boyfriend without getting to know him!
Lazy dates are a thing with the two of you. Sometimes you get too lazy to leave your house and Jaime is too tired to go out so the two of you will either meet up at your house or Jaime’s house and just chill. Cuddles are also a thing between the two of you!
Lazy dates for the both of you include: watching movies or TV series together, doing homework, getting take-outs and then cloud-gazing or stargazing which normally ends up with you sleeping on Jaime’s arm and Jaime chuckling because you are always adamant that you won’t be falling asleep!
A typical date for Jaime and you would be going on a picnic, or a walk, or watching the sunset (or sunrise, it depends really). This is mostly because there are times where Jaime might be called away to do some superhero things and even though you understand his duties, you can’t help but be very worried about him too which is why your dates are always something that’s just where the two of you can really bask in each other’s presence. Jaime loves you even more for this and he will never fail to tell you just how much he really loves and appreciate how understanding you are.
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How about a scenario with Kurloz walkin in on Grand Highblood in the human chillin with faygo n crackin jokes n stories? He tries to join 'em sitting on the edge of the pit they're throwing rocks in and reader slips and suddenly has two makaras pulling them up by the meat of their shoulders.
I like to think of this as a spiritual sequel to this: https://rocksinmuffin.tumblr.com/post/150335349638/i-know-youre-a-homestuck-its-a-stain-that-never
Kurloz doesn’t usually wander through the dream bubbles. Not aimlessly, at least. But sometimes the doubts and wicked thoughts set in, those awful hazy fogs of doubt that choke and reach in and grope at his blood-gusher and a motherfucker has to clear their thinkpan before they do something they might regret.
Sometimes he finds himself stumbling in the dream bubble of what could have been; if he lived to grow up on a world where death and cruelty and the will of the Mirthful Messiahs have blood like rainbows coated thick on the walls and streets.
He’s surprised to find that his other self is not alone.
Kurloz has seen you before from time to time, bubbling and flowing from dream bubble to dream bubble like wicked elixir pouring into a plastic drinking receptacle and overflowing. You’re weird and alien and stupidly fearless, apparently, since you show no hesitation snatching a bottle of Faygo straight from the Grand Highblood’s hands mid-sip, laughing at the mess it makes down his chin and the front of his shirt before boldly chugging the remains.
You don’t flinch when giant claws reach for your head, strong enough to crush that brittle ape-beast thinkpan of yours as easy as a pinch. Instead, he responds with a ruffle of your hair that leaves the strands almost half as messy as the tangled squawk-beast’s nest that makes up his own. You rest your head against his thick palm as he grabs a rock big enough to qualify as a small boulder and chucks it over the cliff’s edge, chuckling low and throaty as you cheer and chuck the empty Faygo bottle off the edge after it.
The whole thing is dripping with flirtation, though Kurloz can’t really figure out if it’s red or pale. His kittybitch is so much better at sniffing out the subtle nuances between the warmer quadrants, though Kurloz gets the impression that whatever is happening is some kind of perverted mix of the two. Whatever the fuck it is, it piques his interest enough to have him come close enough that you spot him.
“Oh my god,” you say, tugging at the Grand Highblood’s hair to get his attention. “It’s mini-you! You’re so cute, what the hell? What happened?”
The Grand Highblood grumbles something against the top of your skull as Kurloz greets you in a lazy flurry of hand movements, fingers spelling out a casual hello.
You blink dumbly, turning back to the Grand Highblood. “The hell did mini-you just say?”
The Grand Highblood shrugs, unhelpfully.
“Then what the fuck good are you?! Can’t even translate your damn self, shaking my head.” You turn back to Kurloz, eyes crinkled and flat teeth bared in the least threatening display he’s ever seen that even a jaded motherfucker like himself can feel a quick pulse of pity pumping through his blood gusher at the sight of it. “You can sit with us if you want to. Lord knows this asshole,” you say, jabbing a thumb towards his other self, “Isn’t great for company.”
It’s either your own motion that jostles you or the hearty shaking of the Grand Highblood as he tries to suppress his own amused laughter at how brazenly a tiny thing like you insults him, but, either way, you’re jostled enough to lose your balance, fall over, and go careening towards the edge.
It’s pure instinct that has Kurloz scrambling after you, claws digging into the meat of your arm and wrist as he grabs for you before you can fall.
Not that there was any need for it. The Grand Highblood’s fist is clenched tight around the shoulder of your other arm, giant palms covering half your chest and encircling your armpit as he pulls you up with ease. Kurloz releases his grip on you under the heavy gaze of his alternate self, dull dead eyes looking down at his hands stained candy red.
“Awww,” you say, not the least bit shaken. “You like me so much even mini-you wanted to save me. What a dork,” you laugh, reaching out to squeeze the tip of the Grand Highblood’s sniffsnout.
Kurloz feels another twinge in his bloodgusher; embarrassment mixed with the feeling he’s intruding. Quiet as he came, he leaves.
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I’ll Be Here For You || Shirbert
Anne has been having nightmares for a while now. Flashbacks to the horrifying time she spent in the asylum come quite often. She never talks to anyone about it. She just sits in her room at night, thinking about all the possibilities of what her life could’ve been.
They’ll be a little older in this. Probably 16-17.
Anne walked downstairs as she rubbed her eyes. She hadn’t slept in days, and her eyes had suffered the most. It hurt to keep them open.
“Good morning, Marilla,” she muttered as she sat down at the table for breakfast. Matthew looked at her and immediately sensed her distraught state. He knew something was happening with Anne for a while now but he decided to let Marilla figure it out. He said he’d keep out and he will keep his promise.
“For heaven’s sake, child! What has happened to your eyes?” Marilla exclaimed upon looking at Anne. The bags under her eyes were more prominent than usual, and her eyes looked bloodshot.
“What has happened?! Oh, I bet it’s the most dreadful thing,” Anne says, snapping out of her trance. “I can’t possibly have any other horrible features.” She rushed to the mirror, looking at her haggard reflection. “What is it, Marilla? I don’t notice anything different than usual.” The girl had gotten used to the bags under her eyes, they didn’t even bother her anymore.
“What is under your eyes?” Marilla asks worriedly.
“Why that’s nothing,” Anne replies, chuckling. The laugh didn’t reach her eyes. “I just haven’t been able to dream as vividly. It’ll be fine soon.”
They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence. Matthew threw worried glances across the room. The tension was evident, but he knew no one would step up and resolve it.
Anne trudged to school, rubbing her eyes to stay awake. Her nightmares kept her up and drained any idea of sleep, but that was only at night. In the daylight she felt the burden of her lack of rest. She knew she should stay home for a day and rest, but she couldn’t let that dreadful Gilbert Blythe overtake her in studies.
The day passed slowly as everyone but Diana, Ruby, and Gilbert made fun of her bags. She couldn’t care less for once. She often thought all that mattered were others’ opinions but her drooping eyelids seemed to tune it all out. She couldn’t hear a single rude word out of Josie Pye’s mouth. Come to think of it, she hadn’t heard a single word out of Ms. Stacy’s mouth either.
“Anne, are you alright?” Ms. Stacey asked, looking at Anne’s worrisome state. “Perhaps you should go home.”
“I’m fine!” Anne replied, adding an extra cheery tone to her voice. She couldn’t let Ms. Stacy send her home. She couldn’t go home early. Anne threw a glance in Gilbert’s direction, surprised to see the look of worry on his face.
“Maybe it’s some disease from the orphanage,” she heard Josie Pye whisper from behind her.
Billy uttered something similar but all Anne heard was “dog” and “fleas.”
“I’m sending you home,” Ms. Stacy responded firmly. “I’ll have someone escort you.”
“I can do it,” Gilbert volunteered. “I anyways already know this material thanks to those advanced lessons you gave me.”
“Very well then, Mr. Blythe,” Ms. Stacy responded gratefully, “please take Anne home. Don’t worry about coming back after school.”
Anne glared at Gilbert Blythe. That hateful boy who just wanted to prove her wrong. Ever since she came, all he did was pester her.
She reluctantly picked up her books and walked out of the schoolhouse, head held high.
“You can go home now,” Anne informed him. “I can walk home fine myself.”
“I don’t doubt that, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert. You are a force to be reckoned with,” he replied with a chuckle. Her eyebrows knitted in confusion as she wondered if it was a compliment. He followed her, not wanting to leave her alone when he promised to walk her home.
They walked in silence until they reached the woods. The woods where everything seemed like it was evil. Like it was going to grab you up and eat you.
Anne tried to be brave and walked firmly until she felt a branch graze her hand.
“LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU HORRID HORRID GIRL!” She shouted, not remembering where she was. Her feet darted under her and her hand clutched her hat. She ran as fast as she could. All that filled her mind was memories of that vile girl.
Her foot tripped on a curling root, sending her books flying. Her arms hit the ground with a soft crackle on the leaves. Her knees, however, had not been so fortunate. They hit some hard rocks and felt like they were bleeding. A sob escaped her mouth as she curled against the trunk of a strong tree.
“Anne,” a tender hand touched her shoulder. She turned away, sobbing louder. “Anne! Anne, are you alright?” She turned away still. She heard the crackle of leaves and felt someone sit next to her. “I’ll be here for you.” Those words made her sob even more. She curled into an even tighter ball as two arms wrapped around her, trying to make her stop crying.
After a few minutes, her sobbing stopped and her breathing started to slow. Her chest didn’t heave with as many shaky breaths, and her shoulders stopped jerking with saddening sobs.
“Are you having nightmares again?” A pair of lips whispered above her ear.
“How’d you know?” She whimpered softly.
“Well, other than this,” he said, referring to her breakdown, “the bags under your eyes and your ignorance of everyone else. You seem to have forgotten the world and that only happens when you’re trapped in your imagination. But this time wasn’t as light. And it didn’t seem like the first time.”
“No,” she agreed. “Thank you for walking me home.”
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Find meaning in the most obscure of places.
Wisdom from my oracle cards.
<>July 5th- July 6th.<>
Become aware of the ways that you compensate for your insecurities. Remember that whatever it is that makes you different or whatever it is that you don’t want to accept about yourself is what makes you you, and you need to accept that within yourself to fully ascend into happiness and self-acceptance and love. I also feel like a lot of us are in the middle of learning certain life lessons, so remember to be patient with your own emotions. In being more honest with ourselves we can completely open up to the world as well, becoming more understood by the people around us and in turn understanding those that we love better- and even ones that we don’t. Either way, now is the time to demand respect and how you want to be treated and understood. You control other’s perceptions of you. Own it.
“Angel number 639 encourages you to continue on your current path as you are successfully manifesting support to sustain and maintain you.”
First of all, as I was shuffling my hand started to ache and hurt- don’t let things stop you. The obstacles you’re facing are just growing pains. Don’t let it get your mind off track of what it is that you want to achieve- or what it is that you want to reach. The card I pulled from the crystal angels oracle deck says “Progress, not perfection.” Understand that even though you may feel like doubting yourself or maybe you’ve been comparing yourself to others, feeling like you don’t fully have what you need, you do. Keep your mind set on the future. If the future scares you, focus on all you’ve learned from the past. You’re already getting everything that you need to succeed. This is a life lesson in learning to not doubt yourself, despite all your worries about the physical. Trust in a higher power to guide you along- but most importantly, trust yourself, and trust that you know what you’re doing, even if you feel like you don’t. You do. Rest for now, but understand that you’re still actively on your path. Trust in the unknown. A cycle may be ending for you, so understand that this is an opportunity to focus on what it is that you really want to achieve - because whatever it is that you decide to focus on in this point in your life, you will achieve. I wish you luck, Aries.
”Angel Number 117 is a powerful indicator that things are looking up. Angel number 724 encourages you to believe in yourself and your innate skills, talents and abilities.”
Yes, your dream will happen, and yes, you are safe now. I feel like some of you need to believe that you are enough. You are! You’ve heard the affirmations, you understand the lesson, and you are enough. Don’t fall again into a people-pleasing trap because you don’t feel like enough. I feel like in the past you’ve gone through a stage of understanding your own power and empowering yourself, and now that you’ve done that it’s your time to shine again. You’ve healed from the past enough to love again, so let yourself love fully and openly without fear of getting hurt. Understand that you have the power to protect yourself- let that lead you to love openly. Besides that, you need to understand that you should have confidence right now. Again, you are enough, and you were made to shine. Like in the general intro reading, don’t let your insecurities hold you back at all. Give yourself attention- and let yourself get attention from others. You were born to be authentically you, and born to be somewhat in the spotlight, whether that mean literally or in your day to day life. Let yourself shine, Leo.
“Angel number 512 is a message to have positive thoughts and an optimistic attitude about the changes taking place in your life.”
I feel like it’s important that you continue to be cheerful and continue to be spontaneously you and in your good headspace and lifespace for the people around you in your life. They take you as a good example- so the most important thing that you should be focusing on currently is making sure that you yourself feel whole and happy and are doing the things that you like to do. But, keep in mind that there’s no pressure- just be aware that you constantly have a positive impact on those around you. I really feel like the way to do this is to discern what in your life you still need and what in your life you don’t. I’m getting the feeling of going through your closet and giving or throwing away old clothes that you don’t want, to make space for the new ones that you’re getting. It’s time for a closet change! (As a sag moon, I personally took this one literally since I’m moving. But for my other fellow Sagittarius's, this is a metaphor. LMAFO.) Keep your faith strong in the fact that things are looking up for you. Positivity is surrounding you at this time, so try to incorporate it into everything that you do. You are being protected spiritually, so never worry at this time. Socialize in everything that you do- if there’s parties, celebrations, weddings, etc, specifically socialize with the people around you and don’t be afraid to. Again, you have a positive impact on everyone that you meet, so use that to your- and everyone else’s- advantage.
“Angel number 349. The work you do on a daily basis is having long-term benefits for yourself and others, and the angels encourage you to continue on your current path.”
Things are kind of a little upside-down for you right now. It might take you a while to really find your rhythm, but trust that the rhythm you’re getting is exactly the rhythm you need. Be gentle with yourself on your search for divine life purpose- or fulfillment. Remind yourself that you are what you need, and that the universe has as much faith in you as you do it, if not more. Trust it. The unknown is something that captures your attention for a reason.
“Angel Number 697 brings a message of congratulations from your angels for following their guidance and your own intuition.”
The angels are with you already, and you already know what to do. It’s just a matter of timing and taking the right steps. Understand that you have the flow to know when to do things, and that you’re already subconsciously preparing for what is to come next. Follow your own intuition and forgive those who hurt you in the past. This situation is coming to a close and it’s time that you gave it the closure that it needs to be completed. You will be rewarded for being the bigger person and being respectful and gently honest as well as firm in this situation. If you feel unsure about the timing of doing what your intuition is telling you to do or for those who don’t entirely know the timing yet, keep in mind that easy does it. Go slow. You have been gifted something magical, so understand that gratitude is an equal exchange for the thing the universe gave you. Take it easy, cancer.
“The meaning of angel number 414 is about living a life of honesty and integrity. Angel number 833 is a powerful message and sign that you are being fully supported, surrounded and loved by the angels and the Ascended Masters.”
You’re more genuine than you feel you are inside. Understand that you’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and that you aren’t completely done with that yet, hence the haze clouding your vision about who you really are. Or, rather, why you keep questioning if you’re a good person or not. Understand that wellness is on it’s way for you. You’re in the process of getting better mentally, so trust the process and understand that you are making the process easier on yourself by joining in and actively trying to get better. Your angels are saying, “I understand it’s hard, we’re right here next to you.” You’re getting your power back again. And yes, this is all for a reason. Take a deep breath, Scorpio.
“Angel Number 925 can indicate that a current situation will be over soon and you will be able to find closure. Angel Number 535 indicates that you are receiving divine guidance from the angels as to your upcoming life changes.”
Things ended, so you’re awaiting directions on what it is that you need to do next. The message here is to stay patient and trust that you will soon be directed to the place that you need to be. Short message, but important. Have trust, Gemini.
“When you keep seeing Angel Number 845, you are being called to receive the blessings that are headed your way very soon.”
You’re giving out too much, and it’s your season to receive. Expect more blessings to come your way, because it’s your natural reward for following such a spiritual path and dedicating yourself to it fully. Try not to expect anything specific, though- you don’t want to spoil it for yourself! You’ll know when your blessings arrive, though, so relax and let it happen. I feel like your energy is being replenished. Use it wisely, Libra.
“Angel Number 857 is a message from your angels that the changes you are making and your commitment to adding more spirituality in your daily life has propelled you along your divine life path and soul mission.”
Aquarius, you are being held responsible for the impact you leave on the people and the world around you. You are being called to act more out of a place of pure love and care for the environment and the people around you rather than drawing attention to yourself. You’re also being called to be more humble. You’re gaining good karma currently, and it’s going to manifest in your dreams and desires coming true. Keep your mind focused on soft love and positivity when you sit down with the intention of manifesting and you’re already halfway there. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t need to work too hard- and you don’t need to punish yourself with thoughts. If you can, try to find ways out of bad self-talk and into a quieter, kinder headspace.
Your requests and prayers and desires are being answered. Your dreams are coming true. If you don’t see it yet, that’s because it’s all happening behind the scenes. The wheel of fortune is turning in your favor. Cherish it, Aquarius!
“Angel Number 963 brings a message to wake up to your intuition and trust your inner-voice as it serves as your inner-radar and tells you where you are now and where you need to go in your life.”
I feel like you’ve been feeling the need to prove yourself recently. That, or you’ve been looking for proof externally that you should trust yourself internally. Trusting yourself internally is trusting in your own individuality, and once you do that, there will be no need to seek answers or validation from an outside source regarding whether or not you should listen to the inner voice inside your head. It knows what it’s doing and where it’s going. Follow it, Taurus.
“The Angel Number 202 represents your new beginning when it comes to your spirituality.”
Some Virgos here recently just got injured. Some are looking into their past lives. Some are trying to find themselves. I feel like in regards to your spirituality, you’re looking at examples of how other people live their life and looking at advice that others have to see if it could apply to your and your perception of what spirituality is. You’re studying things. My advice here is that spirituality all has to do with the things that you do on the daily. Spirituality is taking time out of your daily routine to take care of yourself- to care for others- to care for the enviornment- to do something creative- to be grateful- to feel alive. Whatever spirituality means to you is what you need to be doing everyday. Be authentic in your own spiritual truth. You can look and study other belief systems and ways of practicing religion, but do not let anyone else influence the way that you live your spiritual truth. Your main focus right now is spirituality, so keep that in mind and live what you are. Balance belief and logic carefully, Virgo.
“Angel Number 827 brings a message to draw from your own inner strength, wisdom and light.”
I feel like you don’t want to leave something. You might be mentally overwhelmed. I feel like there’s something challenging that’s in your way that’s hard to get over. You need to channel your inner strength. This situation, though perceived as an annoyance (albeit a big, upsetting one) is a sort of test for your inner strength and stamina. You’re getting stronger as an individual and as a spirit. This might have something to do with a situation with a cancer? Or you might also have cancer in your chart. You need to understand that this situation is very multifaceted and no one blames you for being frustrated or overwhelmed because it’s hard to handle and sort out. Have patience and don’t ram your way through anything out of frustration or impatience. Keep it calm. I feel like watching funny videos will help a lot in the present. I also feel like you should journal so that future you can look back on this situation clearer to interpret it and learn from it. Moving forward, move it forward, Capricorn.
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black eagles recruiting plot fix!
as we all know, there’s a variety of characters you can recruit into the black eagles house, and we all know they’d follow you through any route. a lot of people tend to say that there’s no reason/it doesn’t make sense for some of those characters to be in the black eagles/crimson flower route, because no plot is provided, it doesn’t fir their character, etc. so i decided to make a list of why one of the students you recruited would follow edelgard/you even if it goes against their character.
felix: felix would join for more than one reason, and he already states one of these. he doesn’t want to follow dimitri, even if he does care about him. another reason would be his bad relationship with his father, and how the people of faerghus force all kinds of ideals onto him. the country is full of people who admire chivalry and those who follow their leaders blindly, which he despises because that’s what glenn did. edelgard is highly against blind obedience, as she is against the church and its followers and as she never truly forces anyone to be with her and support her (seen through black eagles strike force.) the only difference in opinion between el and felix is how felix hates the unnecessary bloodshed, but he does believe that edelgard can change the way the world is. and oh! the way that dimtri and his father blindly follow rhea and choose to ignore what edelgard claims is a fine example of the blind obedience felix hates. it actually baffles me how some people think felix has the least reason to be in black eagles/crimson flower, when in my opinion he has the most reason to be there.
annette and mercedes: this is harder to uh... give reason to, since gustave is a knight and mercedes is religious, but annette and mercedes are pretty strong and pursue when they believe in something. i doubt either of them support the violence bloodshed, but mercie would follow el because she believe in the goddess and sees something wrong with the chruch and how it operates. same goes for annette, she’d fight for what she believes is right, especially if she has mercedes beside her through it. and of course, gustave is a piece of crap. i also want to point out the way that the church basically threatens, everyone including byleth. rhea has literally once said “let this be a warning for those who choose to point their blades to the goddess” or something like that. and she says so many more lines like this, further proving edelgard’s point and convincing annette and mercedes, because, as stated, they are against violence. jertiza might also ge a weighing factor for mercedes.
sylvain, marianne, and lysithea: edelgard believes in a world where discrimination, blind obedience, tyranny, and injustice would be something of the past. these three characters have all experienced a bad life due to their crests. sylvain, because of his father and brother, lysithea, because of the crest experiments on her and her family, and marianne, because she grew up hating and fearing herself for a crest that was dubbed dangerous. in the world el envisions, these things would never happen again, and while the three of them are actually terrified, they want nothing more than to live in a world of love and acceptance, and in a world where crests don’t affect lives like how it affected theirs.
ingrid: hmm, i guess for her, even though ingrid wants nothing but to be a knight, her world and dreams have basically been crushed by her father who wants nothing more than to get ingrid married to a rich man. so while ingrid goes against the idea of what el believes in, she still hopes for a world where again, a crest does not factor one’s life path. (this applies to marianne and mercie too, because they were told by their parents to marry someone too. it’s just not as bad as it is for ingrid.)
ashe: of course, lord lonato plays a big part in this decision. i doubt ashe has actually forgiven the chruch for what happened with lonato, we even see this in the golden deer route if he’s not recruited.
leonie: not much of a reason other than jeralt. leonie “promised” jeralt she would protect byleth, and byleth probably mentioned to her that jeralt doesn’t trust lady rhea, which might have factored in the decision.
ignatz and raphael: i don’t really see a reason for them other than it’s better for their lives and families, if the empire wins the war. they are merchants, after all. especially raphael, who needs to look after his little sister.
lorenz: i don’t see a reason other than territory. he says it himself, the gloucester region makes it risky for him and his father to fight the empire with the alliance. and let’s be honest, lorenz is the type that does what benefits him, and doesn’t mind if it affects others.
that’s all i could think of! this isn’t actually related to the story though, i just made it so that if you feel weirded out plot-wise by how some characters would be with you in the crimson flower route and you wanted some more depth to their character being there other than “i follow the professor wherever they go!!!!!! >:T”
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hi! i love ur karlnapity posts, so i was wondering if you could perhaps do headcanons for karlnapity with a genderfluid reader?
thank u for this fellow manifold enjoyer!! i'm genderfluid myself and this was so nice to write, although i did struggle to think of anything else to put towards the end (honestly it's just a bunch of sweet supportiveness and words of validation) but i'm okay with doing a part two if you were hoping for a bit more though!
Whether you came out to them during the relationship or before, those men are the most supportive people on earth
They will do anything for you (but that’s just a given anyways)
Of course being in the spotlight and being in a poly relationship is already a gateway for haters, and not everybody is the most accepting of anything outside of cisgender either
And although pretty much everybody is kind to you and accepts you, there’s just the odd person or two who really takes the piss and you happen to see these messages
That led to a night of hugs and kisses and the welcomed reassurance that you are valid (which you are!! Please never forget that, no matter what other people seem to believe<3)
On a nicer note though, the boys are so patient with you
They don’t think any different of you, but they still try their best to make your life easier
If you don’t want to constantly be telling them the pronouns you’re comfier with at the time, then you worked together to think of something small that lets them know
Like certain coloured bracelets or pins that they can just take a quick peek at to know what to refer to you as
And if you use neopronouns then they support that just as much because neopronouns are just as valid!
They’ll go clothes shopping with you and they’ll buy you anything you want - and I mean anything, no matter the price
And if you want to change your name? They’re right behind you!
If there’s anything any of them are confused about then they’re either doing their research or coming to as you, though they don’t want to overload you with questions
I can imagine there’s a specific person you go to for different things, you know?
Like if you want to get some more clothes, you’d probably go and ask Karl to go shopping with you (or you’d steal his, mans got the best fashion sense)
Whenever someone said something that really got to you, you’d tell Sapnap and in a heartbeat he’d be kicking their ass
And if there was ever a time you were doubting yourself or your validity, Quackity would be there to assure you that figuring out things like this takes time and you’ll always be valid, and that he loves you very much
It’d be something like “Don’t listen to what those people say, baby. All three of us love you so, so much and you’re the angel in our lives, please don’t doubt yourself because of what some random asshole on the internet said. I love you, okay?”
Man they just love you so incredibly much and they just want the best for you, and for you to know how valid and loved you are no matter your gender identity
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A Lesson In (Fading) Dreams
For those of you who remember the Dragon!AU I talked about many, many months ago, here a little something (that I don’t think I’ve posted yet, though correct me if I’m wrong). You can also read it on AO3.
Summary: "Tony is five years old, when he learns that dreams don’t last. He is five years old, when he learns that monsters do."
Howard Stark doesn't want a son. Can't afford to have a son. Yet, when the time comes, he finds himself unable to give up on a dream he had long since discarded. The question that remains unanswered is who will pray the higher price for his choice in the end: his son or the world that won't succeed in breaking him if Howard has anything to say about it.
“Once there was a dragon, who guarded what was most precious to him, with a love so deep, a fire so strong, even the Fates themselves would not dare to incur their wrath,“ Maria reads, an unusually soft smile on her lips. It gives new life to her features that are too often banned into stillness by social protocol and the ever looming knowledge of what would happen, should either of them ever lose control of their emotions.
Howard stills, leans his shoulder against the door frame, waiting. His wife doesn’t acknowledge his presence, still focused on the tale she is reading, as engaged as the young child curled into her side.
“And so the Fates granted them the gift of an outer shell not unlike their treasure’s, so they would live together for as long as time allowed.”
As beautiful as Maria is when wrapped in the finest silk and most expensive jewellery, a gentle smile on her lips that Howard knows to be more destructive than any weapon his capable hands have managed to build, he prefers to see her like this. Dressed in a silk robe three sizes too big—stolen from his closet, no doubt—her hair held together in a lose bun, naked feet tugged under their son’s bright red—a royal colour, she had insisted—blanket, one hand holding a book, the other carding through the boy’s unruly hair, she looks settled and content in a way Howard rarely gets to appreciate anymore.
It soothes the permanent rumblings of discontent in his chest to see her, them, like this. Happy and safe. The sight is too rare, too precious, to let it go to waste.
It is only when the boy has long fallen asleep, when Maria carefully disentangles herself from the too clever hands, slides off the bed and places the book on the bedside table with a care she only ever bestows on a treasure she truly values, that Howard can bring himself to disrupt the serene mood.
“How long-“ he quietens at the glare his sharp voice earns in response, reflexively searches out the child buried under a ridiculous amount of blankets, still deeply asleep.
Far too used to loud voices perhaps, Howard contemplates, the thought accompanied by a dark tingle suspiciously reminiscent of guilt. He pushes it aside, though he indulges Maria all the same. Waits for his wife to quietly close the door. Even walks a couple of steps down the hallway before he repeats his question, uninterrupted this time.
“How long are you going to indulge this silliness?”
Maria sighs, pulls the gown tighter around her deceptively slender body. “For as long as he asks me too.” The reply is drenched in an stale annoyance, the kind born out of an argument that has been rehashed too many times, has lost all its potency and none of its importance.
“What good will it do him?” Howard growls all the same, unable to let the topic be. It is not in his nature to give in, nor in Maria’s to indulge him, and he doesn’t know whether to be grateful or exhausted by the steel lurking under his wife’s charming smile. “To fill his head with fantasies and fairy tales?”
“Antonio is but a child, Howard.” Maria shakes her head. “The world will do its very best to break him into a man as it is, the last thing he needs is for his father to do it first.”
“Soon he won’t have a choice.” The words ring cold and unforgiving in the abandoned floor, and Howard hates having to say them out loud, but he can keep them quiet even less. No problem has ever gone away by being ignored and he prides himself on providing solutions. Sometimes though, there are no good solutions, only working ones.
“It’s been three years.” Maria turns her head slightly towards him, a stubborn crease forming between her carefully plugged eyebrows. “You promised me five. Five years before he has to grow up. That is all I have asked for. You gave your word, Howard. Let him dream for now.” Her voice is soft, but there is fierce desperation in her usually cool eyes, and by the Fates, he loves this woman.
“He’s intelligent,” Howard states, instead of the ‘I know, I’m sorry’ that is lingering on the tip of his tongue. “The maids are starting to notice. We won’t be able to keep him out of the spotlight for much longer, dear. The time for dreams has passed.”
The crease between Maria’s brows deepens further, displeasure now plainly there for all to see. “It shouldn’t be this way,” she eventually answers, an echo of a rage older than time itself clinging to the words.
“He is—“ Howard breaks off, not daring to finish the sentence, not even in the relative safety of his own home. There are words better left unspoken, secrets best left undiscovered in the Stark mansion, and their heritage is undoubtedly one of them.
Maria rests a hand on his arm, squeezes gently. But her expression remains stony. “Five years,” she repeats, and Howard knows — has always known — that there is no arguing with his wife when it comes to their son.
“Five years,” he agrees, and hopes the time will never come.
Little is known about the origin of the race of dragons.
Some legends speak of a coupling between a demon of the lowest of hell’s dimensions and a shallow, vapid woman, and about the child born out of their unholy union, cursed with the worst traits humanity has to offer and the undying fire of the damned burning in its veins.
Others theorise that dragons, not unlike other malevolent spirits, were first born out of pure energy built on nothing but fury, an anger so potent, it eventually granted them the power to take on a physical form so similar to their preferred prey, they have become virtually indistinguishable from true humans.
There are other tales of course, some less well-known than others, like the stories told in small, isolated villages deep in the Amazonian rain forest. Tales of terrifying creatures not unlike huge snakes with grotesque wings and a tongue made out of fire, who have been cursed by a mystical power, for example. But beyond a couple of frightening Halloween masks and specialised college courses, they haven’t gained a lot of attention.
And though what is known of dragons is built on fiction more than fact, what remains true through every tale ever told, is the tangible fear of the unfeasible power they possess.
Thus perhaps the only truth respected researchers and religious fanatics, Americans and Russians, children and adults alike can agree upon, is the fundamental, undeniable fact that dragons are predators, and humanity is their designed prey.
Howard meets Maria by accident as much as on purpose. It is a coincidence that the two of them are attending a public lecture on species bias and its impact on a neutral outlook on the dragon species. It is no coincidence that they find each other during the following mingling, Howard sipping on a glass of wine, Maria with an untouched flute of champagne in her hand.
“Howard Stark,” he introduces himself with a charming bow, allows the warm, tingling sensation of one mind welcoming another to envelop him for a moment.
“A pleasure to meet you,” the radiant woman responds delicately, lets him take her hand and kiss its back, a brief touch of tongue any curious observer would have missed. “My name is Maria Carbonell.”
There is a faint accent in her words, and soon they are talking about Europe, Maria’s love for her country easily soothing some of Howards’ most painful memories, filled with blood and tragedy.
Neither of them mentions it that night, but when Maria breathes a soft kiss on Howard’s cheek in goodbye, her tongue flicking for the fraction of a second, he knows he will meet her again.
The tabloids have a field day of course. Notorious playboy Howard Stark, suddenly showing interest in a single woman for a prolonged amount of time? It seems improbable, impossible even, and gossip rags as well as galas are filled with whispers and rumours about the unexpected pair.
Not that Howard lets that stop him from going after what he wants. Or Maria for that matter.
Because the truth is, they both have waited a long time, have endured a world that doesn’t realise how much it should fear them with stoic tolerance. Now that they have found each other through luck and coincidence, Howard refuses to let the opportunity slip away.
He’s spent the last thirty years of his life pretending it doesn’t bother him, the lack of a true treasure. Has tried again and again to fill the burning need with one thing or another, has created and built, dated and slept with countless women, even tried his hand at relationships a couple of times. His efforts were futile though, doomed from the start, because Howard has always known that none of these women would ever earn his trust.
There was too much at stake, should his secret be revealed, too much damage that his heritage could cause, should the information reach the wrong ears. It is true, times for dragons have changed. In large parts because of the accomplishments and sacrifices of Steve Rogers, the first human to be successfully turned into a dragon.
With this new turn, the mythical species has become more tangible and reachable, not to forget that people are always easier swayed by a hero they admire. But for all the praise sung in Captain America’s memory, Howard knows better than to believe his kind has truly earned an equal standing in human society. For most people, Steve will always remain more human than dragon. Never mind that decades of hatred and mistrust can not be overcome by a single man, no matter how determined and idealistic.
No. His nature has always been a hazard, a secret by necessity, to hide away to the best of his abilities. Howard has heard too many stories, witnessed too many stories of the ends humanity has in store for his kind.
During his darkest nights he can’t help but wonder if Steve ever learned how many dragons had to die for the serum to be perfected, die needlessly and painfully at that. If he ever cared to learn.
In the end, Howard supposes it doesn’t matter. The thought is as bitter as it is placating, but he washes the taste away with alcohol just as easily.
The point is, there is a very fine line between the people who have experimented on dragons, driven by their curiosity about a species they fear and envy, and the people who have welcomed them, seen them as a resource to be used and exploited. Neither is a treatment Howard would ever accept or endure, and as he doesn’t wish for his death any time soon, hiding his true nature is the best option.
Living in shadows and pretence doesn’t require as much effort as is often assumed. If anything, dragons are meant to appear human. An objective they achieve remarkably well. As a scientist, though his interest in biology is admittedly limited, Howard can confirm that there are no physiological characteristics that distinguish a dragon from a fully grown man. For all intents and purposes they are the same—until you stab both of them in the stomach and only one of them immediately gets up and rips off your head.
So Howard has done what his father has taught him to. Has avoided deep emotional attachments and late night confessions of things best left undisturbed. Has created and amazed and played the crowds, drawn as much attention on his inventions as possible. Because never are people blinder than when they believe they see you clearly.
None of those lessons have prepared him for Maria.
Maria who had already known his deepest, darkest secret before their introduction had been finished. Who had shared it with him. Who had taken him by surprise and slipped right through the cracks and around his walls, easily evading every defence mechanism he’s spent years building up. Howard still hasn’t decided whether he is bothered or impressed by that.
He supposes, like so many other things, it doesn’t truly matter.
Despite the many characteristics that make a dragon dangerous, especially when put against an average human, there is only one they are really known for. One thing they are feared for.
Just like their strength, endurance and durability, a dragon’s emotions are amplified. They are stronger, clearer and more overwhelming than those of a human. And for no emotion does this rule apply as much as for rage. It overwhelms their senses, dominates their entire mindset. Turns a dragon into the single-minded centre of death and destruction.
Once a rage has been triggered, a dragon is known to attack anything within its reach, be it friend or foe, human or animal. They can not be calmed, nor reasoned with. The only known cases in which a rage has been ended successfully is by their death—or the death of everyone and everything around them.
It is perhaps for this reason that for every culture that believes dragons to be a manifestation of fury, there are three others, who see them as the harbingers of death.
Howard has never wanted an heir.
Holding the tiny bundle with wrinkled, pink skin and a fluff of dark hair in his arms for the first time is a jarring experience. Seeing Maria’s tired smile that holds too much understanding to be considered happy doesn’t help. Neither of them had expected this, had even thought about it. It hadn’t occurred to him that a child was even a possibility, so used had he become to the conviction that his line would die with him.
It was what Howard had wanted. What he had sworn to himself, back when he had first realised the curse their blood brought.
Howard has always known the pain of being what he is. Has always known that his life is filled with lies, omissions and deceit. That he is hunted, even if the rest of the world hasn’t realised they are looking for him yet. That one day he might slip. That one day his own mind, his very nature may betray him, and there won’t be anything he will be able to do about it.
But it was one after he had met Steve Rogers that Howard realised what it truly means to be a dragon. Only after he had watched humanity be destroyed, Steve Rogers be destroyed, and something else be rebuilt from the remains. Something stronger, Erskine had called it enthusiastically, blinded by idealism and the necessities of war.
The truth was that Steve had lost something during the change. Something Howard hadn’t even realised he himself too was missing until then. They all do.
And when Steve had died in the war, deep down, under the grief and the desolation, Howard had been relieved. Relieved that the world would never have to realise what Captain America had become. That Steve would be spared the knowledge of the extend of his change.
It had been an eye-opening experience. One that had caused Howard to give up on his dream of a family, however distant and unlikely it might have been at the time. He didn’t want an heir then. Didn’t want to pass on the curse in his very blood. He still doesn’t.
Yet, here he is now. In a private hospital room, his exhausted wife watching him from behind half-lidden eyes, holding the child he doesn’t want, can’t have. A mockery of a dream Howard has given up on all those years ago.
They name him Anthony Edward Stark.
“He is perfect,” Maria whispers lovingly.
But he isn’t. Howard knows he isn’t. Knows he should have gotten rid of the child before it ever had the chance to be born, should never have conceived it in the first place. But for all his determination and principles, when the time had come, when Maria had confessed to what had happened — he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. He hadn’t been able to deny himself this. No matter that their world isn't one he wants to bring his heir into.
No matter the price the world might pay one day for his choice.
Because the truth is, Howard has never cared all that much about the fate of the world. The truth is, the Starks have always been monsters in one way or another.
Whilst it is difficult for a known dragon to make an honest living, it is not entirely impossible. For all the social shunning and prejudice they face, there are certain sectors known to unofficially seek dragons out and hire them for the kind of work humans won’t or simply can’t do with the same efficiency.
The military in general, and special ops in particular, are known for their high employment rate of dragons. They survive fights that humans simply can’t, pull off nigh impossible stunts and shrug off traumatic experiences that would have brought a human to their knees. In short, they are the perfect weapons, so long as they are aimed at an enemy. And with a country’s security and power at stake, governments and the public are known to look the other way, as long as the results are satisfactory.
Occasionally an unplanned rage will go through the press and cause a nation-wide scandal. The discussion about the risks of employing dragons will flare up again, and some higher up will publicly lose his job. The dragons will remain where they were before, occasionally shuffled around and allocated into a different or renamed unit, until their existence is once again forgotten by the majority of the populace.
It remains an open, if unacknowledged secret that none of these dragons leave their service alive.
In another world, Howard thinks with renewed bitterness, he could have raised a son.
In this one, which only four months ago declared it illegal — if only punishable by a laughable fine — to purposefully trigger a dragons’ rage, he can’t afford to. He can’t afford to have anything but an heir, and watching the way the boy smiles at his wife as soon as she enters the room, knowing that this child is too soft for the war that will be its life, seems like more of a curse than his nature has ever been.
The child is already proving itself to be a prodigy, baffling its tutors and astonishing their staff. Howard hasn’t made his mind up yet, whether he is glad for the boy’s brilliance or not. He is too young, but already his light shines so bright, and soon the rest of the world will begin to notice. It was always going to, of course. There was always going to be a spotlight shining on the Stark heir, and with the boy’s fifth birthday fast approaching, the time is coming to prepare him for the double-edged sword that is the attention and adoration of the general public.
Howard pours himself another, generous glass. The alcohol isn’t enough to make him forget about the could have’s and would have’s of a future he has already given up on, but it numbs the pain to a level of displeased indifference.
These days, that’s the closest to happiness he gets.
Tony is five years old when he learns that dreams don’t last. He is five years old when he learns that monsters do.
Soooo... What do you think of this Howard? And of the dragons as they’re portrayed in this ‘verse?
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