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nightcoremoon · 5 years

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I think part of the reason why I hate horror movies is because of the overreliance on jumpscares and shock value and BWAH SUDDEN LOUD NOISES rather than on atmosphere, believability, tension, fear.

here's a list of horror movies from google and the reasons why I hate them, or why I love them, or that they're not actually horror movies.

A quiet place: haven't seen it yet but it's a thriller more so than a horror. thrillers can be scary though but then again so can comedies. and romances. 50 shades is definitely scary: it is psychological abuse after all.

Halloween: slasher film, automatically boring and shit. I'm including the entirety of the franchise here, by the way, and I'm also gonna be including Friday the 13th, nightmare on elm street, etc. They're all the same brand of sensationalist garbage. maybe the very first in each series could be redeemable but the mass volume of shitty and terrible CGI gorefests have ruined them forever. "oh no the scary unkillable monster is coming after us and he's gonna kill us in overly violent ways" 💩

Hereditary: I don't even give a shit it looks trite EDIT maybe it's okay but I don't give enough of a shit to bother to ~give it a chance~ because hey. that's what fucking horror games are for.

Insidious: boring, not scary, 0/10

Get Out: haven't watched yet but will because it's a cinematic masterpiece that defies genre conventions

Bird Box: IM SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING BIRD BOX SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BIRD BOX HOLY SHIT. It's just the goddamn happening by shyamagofuckyourself and it's an excuse to profit off of sensationalist suicide. oohh so spooky. eat my ass, boggart

It: too much bad cgi makes it a comedy. plus a bunch of kids say fuck a lot. good movie that's technically horror I guess but is it scary? nah.

Suspiria: I've never heard of this movie

Annihilation: same

Split: M NIGHT SHYAMALAN IS A SHITTY FILMMAKER and also it's ableist as fuck so

Mandy: google you suck none of these movies have any mainstream appeal

The Conjuring: 💩💩💩

Hush: ??? you know what fuck it I'm skipping the ones that don't matter

The Vvitch: 🙄 my mom's a witch, my best friend's a witch, I'm a witch. hey yeah maybe let's not buy into christian colonialism please? scary witches are boring as shit. gimme something actually scary. like Catholics.

The Nun: wait shit not like that! and by that I mean BORING AS HELL aside from the jumpscares. which are shit

The Babadook: clearly an LGBT movie, not horror

Cabin in the Woods: a parody and an excellent one at that. at least the gore is in homage, or hilariously over the top

Sinister: the fucking epitome of shitty jumpscares and shock value and lack of atmosphere and bad acting and bad plot and jesus fucking christ this is one of the worst and most boring movies I've ever had the misfortune to see DONT WASTE YOUR GODDAMN TIME

Saw: it's actually a thriller with Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Michael Emerson, and Tobin Bell. it's a campy cheesy low budget true to form horror film with adequate writing, good acting, AMAZING MUSIC BY CHARLIE CLOSER, and isn't over the top with gore considering it's all practical effects. top fucking notch but spawned a dozen terrible sequels.

Shaun of the Dead: it's a touching and heartfelt romantic comedy... with zombies, EXCELLENT CINEMATOGRAPHY, excellent acting, and sad parts that will rip your fucking heart out, stomp on it, and grind it to dust. literally one of the best movies ever made of all time, eat shit tarantino.

The Ring: eh, the original Japanese was better (Japanese horror is its own genre and not a part of this criticism, I actually really like original Japanese horror unfucked up by american audiences as long as it doesn't just gratuitously glorify suicide as Japan does), but this was still a really good mystery thriller with some really cool effects, and is the only movie that has ever actually scared me for real. even now I hate that there's a tv with a vcr right at the foot of my bed.

The Sixth Sense: shyamalan made a couple of good movies. this was one of them. but it wasn't a horror movie and if you didn't know the twist IT WAS A FUCKING AMAZING ONE. like, goddamn empire strikes back levels of supreme and god tier plot twists. it went a little overboard on shock value but compared to the rest of the COMPLETE BULLSHIT on this list (AND IN HIS OWN MOVIES) it really could've gone way further.

The Descent: goddamn claustrophobia. too much horribly cgi'd gore and terrible decisions to be truly enjoyable though. would've been a much better movie without the mutants and the middle finger to physics throat stabbing and the JUST FUCKING KICK IT YOU GODDAMN IDIOT and oh yeah the subtle misogyny. the first half was good tho

28 days later: shitty remake of a merely ok movie EDIT I was thinking of 28 weeks later, 28 days was actually okay I guess

Scream: did not age well but it's okay for being meta, despite the fucking torture porn of drew barrymore at the beginning. allowed for scary movie 1 though, so I'm glad it exists.

Paranormal Activity: PARANORMAL FUCKING ACTIVITY CAN EAT MY ASS, ITS SUCH A SUBLIME FAILURE OF EXECUTION. I WANTED IT TO BE GOOD BUT IT WASNT. oh well at least it inspired five nights at Freddy's. I'll go ahead and throw all shitty found footage movies under this one, including unfriended.

Blair Witch Project: a fucking pioneer of its time. a genre definer. truly scary. good movie. I'll go ahead and throw all good found footage movies under this one, including cloverfield.

The Shining: a thriller, not horror. but goddamn is it the scariest not horror movie ever made. Stephen king you magnificent bastard

Alien: goddamn fucking alien. science fiction masterpiece. director's a little creepy but eh, sigourney weaver kicks ass, and alien isolation is such a good game (despite its many flaws), and it's just so iconic in terms of sheer scope of concept. it's the same horror movie as anywhere else but in space, and I still can't fucking believe this was made in the 70s. this and Star Wars were FUCKING AMAZING, and the xenomorph? THATS ALL PRACTICAL EFFECTS BABEY. NO OVERRELIANCE ON CGI GUTS AND SHOCK VALUE HERE, ITS JUST PURE HORROR AT ITS FINEST. good movie. aliens was better. everything else... eeehhh...

The Thing: same as the descent but with men instead of women, and EVEN WORSE DECISION MAKING. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE JUST HOW GODDAMN STUPID EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM COULD POSSIBLY BE. and in the remake yeah the practical effects were mind blowingly fantastic and inspired dead space which I believe is one of the best horror games if not just best games or horror pieces of media if not just best pieces of media constructed. but the prequel? 🙄 no thanks

The exorcist: masterpiece of practical effects without an overreliance on jumpscares and gore

Jaws: it's Stephen fucking Spielberg in the 70s and one of the most influential horror films and just films in general

Hellraiser: okay I'll give all works by clive barker a pass here because goddamn is he a demented fucking genius if ever I saw one. if only Jericho was actually a good game, it could've been the next doom 3

Poltergeist: an actually good horror movie that depends on atmosphere and effects more so than jumpscares and gore? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

Evil Dead: campy but misogynist. the sequel was a comedy so it's okay. the next sequel is also a comedy AND ARMY OF DARKNESS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER FUCKING MADE. FIGHT ME. and fuck the remake. sam raimi should've retired after spiderman 3. maybe even before that.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: honestly not bad. it was actually freaky and believable. rednecks really are fucking scary with all their inbreeding and terrible music and hatred of black people. I refuse to acknowledge the original and the sequels.

Psycho: eh, hitchcock's worst is still better than most of the shit on this list.

The Wicker Man: OH GOD NOT THE BEES! AHHGUBLAHH MY EYES! AAAAAHHHHH!!! fucking excellent comedy. but it doesn't have any naked ladies in it like the original did. oh well, can't please everyone.

Night of the Living Dead: THOSE ZOMBIES ARE BULLSHIT. ZOMBIES CANT USE WEAPONS AND THEY SURE AS FUCK CANT TURN YOU INTO A ZOMBIE BY STABBING YOU WITH A TROWEL. THEY HAVE TO BITE YOU. FUCK YOU GEORGE ROMERO. Also, dawn of the dead was just sensationalist garbage. "They tore apart a real pig carcass tho so it looked like real intestines" what? the fuck??? who gives a shit????? I watch movies to escape from reality, dumbass. I don't beat off to chopped up human carcasses. If I want a zombie movie I want the walking dead sans the soap opera bullshit and the racism and then "no one is safe and everyone will die" boring mentality propagated by twd and got and other things I used to like but no longer care about (because why should I give a shit about it if everyone could die? I can already be sad enough about all the real people I know who die. enjoying the pain of the deaths of those important to us is a privilege the cishets have). the walking dead seasons 1&2 was pure horror and the very best kind. don't give me boring contrivances. "but sheena, night of the living dead was a trope definer! everything in it was original!" yeah, you know what else is original? *farting noise* George Romero is just rob zombie without a rock band. his best work was fucking call of duty. that's pathetic. "maybe you just don't like gore" HEY YEAH SURE I DONT WANNA SEE UBER REALISTIC INTESTINES AND ORGANS IF THEY ARENT PART OF A MEDICAL DEAL SO IM JUST A BIG DUMB HATER. I'm the one in the wrong. fuck me, right?

Don't Breathe: A FUCKING TURKEY BASTER FILLED WITH SEMEN. THATS SO STUPID I FORGOT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY. BEST CRINGE COMEDY OF THE YEAR :D

Tremors: legitimately great movie with a hundred shitty sequels. like saw but your faves win so you walk away filled with determination rather than sad and disappointed. enjoyment of tragedies are a privilege awarded to those who are neurotypical.

Zombieland: gore done right. the only casualty is mindless zomzoms and bill murray. good. granted it counts as a romance and a comedy but honestly last time I watched it I cried at the part where you find out buck isn't tallahassee's dog. god I love that movie. AND FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS IS THE MOST BADASS MOVIE OPENER EVER.

The Fly: Jeff fucking goldblum. amazing effects for good reasons. need I say more? the original doesn't exist because 1950s horror movies are all bad because all 1950s movies are bad. the 1950s should just be purged from america's records except for pleasantville.

All other Stephen king movies: hit or miss but mostly still good. although very few are actual horror.

10 cloverfield lane: more of a thriller like above's misery but still an amazing movie.

Peeping Tom: literally a movie about how creepy it is to fetishize the deaths of women WHILE LITERALLY FETISHIZING THE DEATHS OF WOMEN. like, come on man. how do you miss your own point so completely?

Invasion of the body snatchers: it's not horror and if it's made to be horror using gore it's shit. the whole thing is just an allegory to the joe mccarthy communism witch hunts anyway.

Cube trilogy: the ultimate b movies. so bad they're good. and it's such an interesting concept too!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: fucking alien clowns come to earth to turn us into cotton candy by killing us using carnival fare. THIS IS THE GREATEST BAD MOVIE EVER MADE.

All horror movies based on horror video games: either irredeemably bad, or action movies

All creepy Netflix horror movies: wow any idiot with a camera and basic cgi skills can throw shit together to make a movie these days, huh

The Slender Man: I am literally too pissed off about this movie to insult it.

Marble Hornets, Tribe Twelve, the Slender Man movie on YouTube: triumphs of meta, editing, found footage, proof of concept, and story. Slenderman is such a malleable entity for a perfect horror experience, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FUCK THAT UP? YOUD HAVE TO BE INTENTIONALLY SABOTAGING YOUR WHOLE MOVIE TO FUCK IT UP AS BAD AS SOMEone who exclusively directs remakes... oh... oh no.

Wrong Turn: one mediocre movie and a dozen loathesome snoozefests coasting by on shock value

Troll 2:

oh god

they're eating her

and then

they're gonna eat me

...

oh my gooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

(Troll 2 is literally the worst movie ever made and I have to respect it for that at least)

but yeah, horror is just bad for movies. but for video games, though...

#long post

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mistahf · 7 years

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A Definitive Ranking of 61 Matches I Saw Wrestlemania Weekend

1. DIY v The Revival v AOP

It says a lot about the quality of a match when even a terrible result doesn’t ruin it. 14,000 strong in The Amway Center chanting “bullshit” at the ending might sour this match for some, but it was still match of the weekend for me. Sure we all know wrestling is “fake,” but that doesn’t stop us from wanting our faves to have it all. DIY and The Revival are two of the most beloved tag teams in the past 5 years. The Authors of Pain are…well it works in about 100 different ways to say they’re “getting there.” The match started as it should have, two rivals with a mutual respect targeting the outsiders, the champions. Both to get them out of the way and to eliminate the biggest threat. Unfortunately, their rivalry, and The Revival’s natural tendency towards sneakiness, cost them the match. Great story, great spots (the suplex to the outside was insane), and, it turns out, a great goodbye for The Revival on NXT.

2. Ricochet v Keith Lee

Honestly any Keith Lee match could have made this spot. This happened to be the first Keith Lee match I saw (ever), but I think it earns it’s spot as #2 on its own merit as well. Keith Lee dominated early on, as a dude of his size should, pulling out gradually more and more insane agility and aggression as Ricochet proved unpinnable. Ricochet, too, stepped up his game as the match progressed, hitting high spots with a speed rarely seen outside of, well, Ricochet matches. Little guys beating big guys clean are always hard to book, but Ricochet’s win here looked natural and believable.

3. Donovan Dijak v Keith Lee

After seeing two great matches where Keith Lee took on little guys, it was great to see him take on “Tall Don,” as Dijak had branded himself in the previous match. I’ve always been a huge fan of Dijak’s work for a big man, but he pulled out all the stops here, stepping up his game, presumably in response to the insane buzz surrounding Keith Lee after his first 2 matches of the weekend. If you’ve never seen 2 guys over 260 pounds hit a Canadian Destroyer, it truly is a sight.

4. Jericho v Kevin Owens

Jericho and Owens had the best story and rivalry going in to Wrestlemania, but few had them pegged for the best match. Their chemistry, which has shone since August, was especially great here, with each wrestler busting out crazy counters to each others’ moves. The Owens fingertip spot pumped up the whole crowd, and the finish seemed worthy of this match and feud.

5. South Pacific Power Trip v Sami Calahan and Shane Strickland

I came into this weekend having never heard of the South Pacific Power Trip, but these two won over American audiences in a way comparable to the way Keith Lee did this weekend. This match was the kind of wild tag match that doesn’t usually work. Ref not paying attention to tags or legal men, seeming like a tornado match most of the time, but the insane amount of spots these 4 men were able to cram into their match made it worth it. If all clusterfuck tag matches were booked this well I’d stop complaining about who the legal man is and the ref’s slow or disregarded 5 count.

6. Matt Riddle v Dan Severn

This match sounded ridiculous on paper. An MMA guy still new to pro wrestling versus a 58-year-old MMA guy who had a forgettable pro wrestling career in a pro wrestling match, all taking place after 2 am. Dan Severn, however, doesn’t take any challenge lightly and was up for this challenge. Worked MMA style matches can be extremely entertaining a la New Japan or dull exhibitions that lack the surprise of an actual MMA match, this was the latter, seeming more like an MMA match without any of the bullshit. Severn and Riddle both looked like champions, despite the odd crowd and late hour.

7. AJ Styles v Shane McMahon

AJ fans had every right to be mad about this match. Perhaps the most over, most talented guy in the company versus the boss’s son, the guy who wrestles spotfests to greater and greater diminishing returns every event. What we got, though, was the best Wrestlemania opener since Wrestlemania 10 (the best PPV opener of all time btw). AJ got to be dominant for the most part, Shane got to bust out his best wrestling since his return, and we all got the result we, honestly, knew we were going to get.

8. Zack Sabre Jr v Michael Elgin

I caught four Zack Sabre Jr matches last weekend, all great, but this one in particular really spoke to me. Big Mike came out ready to go, Zack, in his typical Extremely Chill style, was ready to meet his challenge. The beauty of ZSJ matches is how much damn sense it all makes, from the way he slowly pushes your leg down to get you on the ground to his subtle hand work when applying a hold. Big Mike answered all of Sabre’s attacks in typical Big Mike fashion, but ultimately the match made Zack’s victory make sense.

9. Keith Lee v Lio Rush

Alright, this is the last time I talk about Keith Lee, I swear (I only caught 3 of his matches last weekend). Even though I had just seen Keith perform hours before (against a significantly better opponent) and knew exactly what he was capable of, Keith still made my jaw drop each time he hit the air. His second rope moonsault is a thing of beauty. Keith also added in a lot more heel work in this match than in his previous matches, which I loved. The soft-spoken Keith telling the brash Lio Rush to bask in his glory added the final puzzle piece to make Keith Lee a truly can’t-miss wrestler. This match suffered because it went a little shorter than the other two, and because once you’ve seen Keith Lee work Ricochet, can you really see Keith Lee work ANY other high-flyer?

10. Hardyz v Sheamus and Cesaro v The Club v Enzo and Cass

Sometimes the best surprises are the ones you see coming. The Hardyz were in Orlando. The tag title match had been awkwardly shoehorned into a ladder match at the last minute despite Cesaro, Sheamus, Enzo, Cass, Gallows, or Anderson having any history with ladders or high-flying acumen to speak of. Still, when New Day came out in their gear to announce a 4th team, I couldn’t tell if I was being worked, or worked into thinking I was being worked. Despite thinking it had a 60% chance of happening, I cheered the Hardyz return like it was a surprise. Matt and Jeff hit all of their moves perfectly, something I would never have believed 5 years ago, and most teams had a signature spot to shine.

11. HHH v Seth Rollins

WWE’s unique (and scary) blending of fact and fiction regarding Seth Rollins’ knee injury both going into and during this match made HHH’s knee-based offense during most of this match a little hard to watch. And I LOVED it for that. The endless pedigree reversals, Steph’s table spot, and their spectacular entrances (Trips, the King, with a motorcade; Seth, the Kingslayer, carrying a torch for his past wrongs) made sure the crowd was behind this long match, late in the show, 100%.

12. Darby Allin v Ethan Page

This seemed like an odd choice to main event the second evolve show of the evening, but once I saw all that these two had planned, I realized how impossible it would have been for anyone else to follow it. The buildup to this match was intriguing, but extremely awkward, when Priscilla Kelly (swoon) distracted Ethan Page the night prior while a group of clown medics in blood-stained garb carried out a bodybag. Unfortunately, the medics and body bag were quickly disposed of, but once Darby was revealed and attacked Ethan even after taking a beating, I got a glimpse of the heart I’d see the next night. This was a crazy spotfest with one main story. Darby Allin, as he stated the night before, won’t let Ethan Page take over Evolve “as long as [his] heart’s beating.” Allin took some incredible spots early in the match that reminded me of the best of Spike Dudley before eventually coming back (with the help of Austin Theory disposing of The Gatekeepers) with two huge dives of his own to defeat All Ego.

13. Nicole Matthews v Shotzi Blackheart

This match told a perfect story without any words. Nicole Matthews as the grizzled vet. Angry, defensive, and not ready to let anyone else take the attention she deserves, against Shotzi Blackheart, Shimmer’s Rise of the Phoenix (think Shimmer’s NXT) champion. Shotzi showed a lot of heart in her black heart, hanging with Matthews even when clearly outmatched, particularly by Matthews’ insanely stiff strikes. Nicole Matthews threw out the most impressive sounding chops I heard all weekend. And for me, that means a lot.

14. Zack Sabre Jr. v Mike Quackenbush

Zack Sabre Jr. was scheduled to meet Chikara’s extremely impressive big man Max Smashmaster on Saturday afternoon, but as soon as Zack hit the ring with a mic, I figured that wasn’t to be. While I wondered who would take on Zack, he got to the point quickly enough, saying he’d been friends with Chikara boss Mike Quackenbush, but was a little jealous that Drew Gulak got a match with him while he hadn’t yet. Quack and Zack had great chemistry in the ring, seemingly talking about each of their chain wrestling exchanges right after they had them. Despit being mostly retired for the past 3 years, Quack was still able to put on a great show with Zack, largely due to their mutual love for their particular style of wrestling.

15. Drew Galloway v Lio Rush

This match was a perfect clash of styles, the strong veteran Galloway against the brash highflyer Lio Rush. Galloway won a great match with an insane spinning Future Shock (made possible by the huge size difference between these two) followed by a piledriver, a move most in attendance had seen him do earlier in the weekend (see below) with disastrous results.

16. Zack Sabre Jr vs ACH

This was an incredibly unique match, and one that I worried might disappoint a little, particularly because I’d been up since 5:30 and it was nearing 11 pm. However, Zack and ACH put on a decent match and kept me entertained. The only big problem with this match is that I never really believed ACH was going to go over.

17. Jimmy Havoc v Zack Sabre Jr

This match opened up the sold-out Progress show Friday afternoon, and these two did not disappoint the 1200 in attendance after a much maligned delay to the show. Havoc probably worked Zack’s style with him better than anyone, while also throwing in his own, harder hitting style, which busted open the busy Zack Sabre Jr so bad that the wound re-opened 4 hours later in this match with Michael Elgin.

18. Pete Dunne v Mark Haskins

Pete Dunne. Coming into this weekend, I was most excited to see him work for the first time than anyone else, becoming obsessed with his bloodthirsty style in the UK Tournament. Dunne didn’t disappoint here, giving Haskins all the underhanded, wonderful stuff I came to love from The Bruiserweight. Haskins, for his part, hung in incredibly well with Dunne, playing the underdog role perfectly and getting some convincing enough nearfalls that by the end of the match I’d stopped cheering the Bruiswerweight and opted for the plucky face.

19. Spring Break Clusterfuck

Given that I was unfamiliar with a lot of the talent signed for this match, that the rules for this match weren’t made clear beforehand, and that some of the other talent hadn’t wrestled, at least in the public eye, in years, I had no idea what to expect from this match. Fortunately, what I got was an entertaining as hell match with some promising new talent, a great showing by Glacier, and, believe it or not, a great story, which was set up in what I thought was just a funny throwaway video before the event. Jimmy Lloyd took the win, but All Ego Ethan Page was the star of the match.

20. Ginny v Toni Storm

I didn’t know anything about the women of Progress going into this match, but within 3 minutes of the match starting I knew what I needed to know. Toni Storm was strong as hell and wanted to throw Ginny around as much as she could. Ginny, despite being a fashionista, had a terrible attitude and some great kicks. This match played itself out as a great clash between those two styles, and Ginny winning with her feet on the ropes was a fantastic heel move, the quality of which is rarely seen.

21. Bayley v Charlotte v Sasha v Nia

The best part about this match was the opening spot, in which Bayley, Charlotte, and Sasha, who had clearly seen the Revival/AoP/DIY match and knew that the only way to continue on was to eliminate Nia first. I thought that once this was over, 3 of the 4 horsewomen would have a triangle elimination match for the ages. Instead, the three were rushed through two quick, uneventful falls where the finishes seemed to come out of nowhere. The fast paced nature of the match still gave Charlotte and Bayley time to shine, but why book a 4-way if you’re only going to feature two women?

22. Matt Riddle vs Drew Galloway

Evolve 80 started out with a piledriver through a table. The rest of the match was, as it should have been, fast, violent, and honestly pretty one-sided. Galloway looked strong here, and it gave Riddle a bit of an edge I hadn’t seen him have before, but seeing Riddle work 3 more matches (and knowing he worked way more) days and even hours after the table spot took a lot of the shine off of it.

23. Mike and Don v Yehi and Williams

When this match started I thought “how the hell are they going to book themselves out of this one,” since it seemed impossible that Big Mike and Tall Don could lose to Evolve darlings Catch Point. I almost thought we might get a title change, but ultimately Catch Point won the way that tag teams should, by being a tag team and out teamworking their bigger, stronger opponents.

24. Eddie Kingston v Matt Tremont

There was color in this match within 3 minutes, brother, along with a plastic fork and table spots. This match was a pitch perfect study in how hardcore wrestling should work. It was bloody, it was real, and both wrestlers looked very tough.

25. Joey Janela v Marty Jannetty

I was VERY nervous going into this match. What was Marty going to look like? How embarrassing was it going to be to watch? Fortunately Marty didn’t look terrible and the match was the fun kind of overbooked mess that made it incredibly entertaining to watch.

26. Goldberg v Brock Lesnar

These two did what they had to. It wasn’t 90 seconds. It wasn’t 20 minutes. It was 4+ minutes of unlimited signature and special moves. It was the match we deserved 13 years ago. I’m still mad it was for a title.

27. Dulce Garcia v KellyAnne

As far as I know there wasn’t any history between these two women, but they soon made the decision to turn their match into a grudge match, taking the action to the floor and connecting with stiff chops that absolutely lit up Dulce’s chest. I loved the speed and aggression these two worked with. Garcia winning with rolling suplexes was awesome.

28. Tyler Bate v Mark Andrews

Tyler Bate, more than the other two members of British Strong Style, found himself in a less than ideal situation at the Progress show, cheered by American fans who know the whitebread UK Champion babyface Tyler rather than the heel BSS Tyler he portrays in Progress. Fortunately, putting him up against Mark Andrews, one of the best faces in wrestling, helped. This match was great, Tyler’s airplane spin is so incredibly over and fun to see live.

29. Asuka v Ember Moon

This match was disappointing, but it’s clear that it was supposed to be. While I was expecting a coronation for Ember, it’s clear that this match instead was put on to keep both women strong and (hopefully finally) turn Asuka heel. Asuka has, in my opinion, clearly been a heel since her match with Mickie in November, but her astounding charisma and strong booking has kept the fans intrigued. Hopefully NXT can fully commit to a heel Asuka.

30. Undertaker v Roman Reigns

I can’t decide if this match is where it should be, belongs lower due to the match quality, or belongs higher due to it’s implications. Undertaker is one of my top 5 favorite wrestlers of all time, so I can’t be unbiased. Seeing Undertaker retire was bittersweet, I was happy I got to be there, sad I won’t see him again, happy for him to finally be able to rest, sad that he wasn’t able to go out with a better match, etc. Honestly if Roman goes heel I think the whole thing might be worth it, he’ll make Vince so much damn money as a bad guy and hopefully the Dead Man doesn’t become a Stone Cold, Ric Flair, or Shawn Michaels, showing back up so often that it doesn’t mean anything any more.

31. Candice LaRae v Mercedes Martinez

I hadn’t seen much Shimmer recently, but damn The Trifecta are awesome. Nicole Savoy is an incredibly talented wrestler turned incredibly talented manager during her injury. Candice is an incredible babyface in peril, and although going in I didn’t think we had much chance of seeing a title change, there were a few near falls here where I thought it was going to happen. In the end Mercedes got the win as expected, but this match kept me in suspense way more than I expected.

32. Matt Riddle v Fred Yehi

Not following Evolve regularly, I didn’t care much about the Catch Point rivalry story, but damn did these two have a great match. Mania weekend made me a huge Matt Riddle fan, and Fred Yehi is a great worker. This match didn’t need a story to rule.

33. Cherry Bomb v Alex Windsor

Allie is an incredibly likable babyface on Impact Wrestling, so seeing her work heel twice Mania weekend was a damn revelation. Cherry Bomb was wonderful in the opener to the Shimmer show, having the cocky character, in-ring banter, and talent to get a crowd, even one who might have otherwise been prepared to cheer her, to boo her. Alex Windsor looked strong in this match too, but Cherry’s heel antics really stole the show.

34. 6 Way Womens Match

This match really was booked for one reason, to get Naomi the big hometown win. I loved seeing her get it, I loved seeing her use the anaconda vice. While all 6 Smackdown women deserved a Wrestlemania match, there wasn’t quite enough time to properly feature everyone.

35. Aleister Black v Andrade Cien Almas

This match was exactly what we needed from Aleister Black. We got to see a great entrance (and great theme) from him, got introduced to his creepy, gothic charisma, and got to see his great Muay Thai strikes. Andrade Cien Almas is a fantastic heel who I hope never gets lost in the shuffle.

36. Mt. Tessa v Kay Lee Ray and Mia Yim

I loved the story of this match. Tessa Blanchard and Vanessa Kraven got into it halfway through the match after an accidental hit was followed by a hit on purpose to almost give Kay Lee and Mia the belts in the best near-fall of all the WWN shows. Mia and Kay Lee Ray are incredibly likeable babyfaces, while Tessa Blanchard is an absolutely brilliant heel. Did I spend a lot of this match fantasy booking Vanessa Kraven (or someone of a similar stature) running roughshod over 205 Live? Yes I did. If you’re doing that too, you’re welcome.

37. Sanity v Ty Dillinger, Ruby Riot, Kassius Ohno, and Roderick Strong

While I think we all wanted to see Ty Dillinger’s first big win (can you believe we’ve been waiting 2 years for that?), a good debut for Kassius and Ruby, and more good things for Roderick Strong until they actually come up with something for him, I do have to say that Sanity winning here made sense. Teams should always beat non-teams.

38. Bobby Roode v Shinsuke Nakamura

Talking about this match with someone beforehand we said “well, the entrances are going to be great, and Bobby Roode knows how to tell a story.” Both of those things were true. I find Bobby and Shinsuke to have absolutely no chemistry, so it was interesting to see what they could accomplish using WWE booking. The near falls were great, the moments were great, Kenny Omega was absolutely correct in calling this a 3-star match. I’m excited to see Shinsuke move on and Bobby to hopefully find an opponent more suited for him (I think Bobby and Kassius Ohno could have some great matches).

39. Catch Point v Kincaid, Theory, Guevara

Jason Kincaid quickly became one of my favorite wrestlers at the Evolve show. I loved his unique look, weird mountain yogi gimmick, and his ring work to back it up. Unfortunately, teaming him with what seemed like 2 people at random against an established team like Catch Point made for a lot of great high spots, but didn’t make the most sense overall.

40. Sami Calahan v Kyle The Beast

I think Solomon Crowe did a lot to turn me on Sami Calahan, all of his work Mania weekend, though, got me back on the Calahan train. Sami has an incredible energy in the ring and Kyle The Beast was able to match it full force. Sami put over Kyle after the match in an unexpected show of respect.

41. Matt Riddle v Trent Seven

Trent Seven got to be the only purely booed member of British Strong Style at the Progress show by taking on the incredibly characmatic Matt Riddle. These two put on a great showcase of “Big Lads Wrestling.”

42. Los Ice Creams v Solo Darling and Travis Huckabee v Hallowicked and Frightmare v Silver and Fire Ant

This match was fun, even if the result was a little predictable. Los Ice Creams’ humor doesn’t always translate watching online, but either these two were on their game or they’re much funnier live. Solo Darling as a sugar-obsessed maniac trying to eat Los Ice Creams and missing an opportunity for a tag to eat skittles was great too.

43. Leva Bates v Lufisto

Leva Bates came out as Tina Belcher and seemed to wrestle the entire match in character, even as her wig started to fall off halfway through the match. True to character, Leva used a lot of butt-based offense during the match, but was ultimately overpowered by an awesome heel Lufisto.

44. Jason Kincaid vs Lio Rush vs Jaka

I was intrigued by the singles match that was booked, but Lio Rush added a lot to it. The showy Lio Rush and nothing-but-business Jaka fed off Jason Kincaid’s weirdo character well.

45. Shayna Baszler v Santana Garrett

Shayna Baszler rules. I loved seeing an MMA-inspired offense in a women’s match, particularly on an all-womens show. Santana Garrett put up a good fight, but seeing her go down to Shayna (and props again to the charismatic Nicole Savoy as Shayna’s manager) seemed like a foregone conclusion.

46. Samantha Heights vs Veda Scott vs Britt Baker vs Nevaeh

This was a fun four-corners match. Veda Scott, as usual, excelled in in-ring chatter, asking her opponents to take it easy on her given that she very publically chipped a few teeth 2 nights earlier at Joey Janela’s Spring Break. Britt Baker looked like an incredibly strong face in this win, her Shimmer Debut.

47. Braxton Sutter and Allie v Andy Williams and Penelope Ford

Braxton Sutter and Allie were incredible heels in this match, immediately getting over their opponents of non-wrestler Andy Williams and Penelope Ford, who has a lot of cool moves, but needs some development as far as putting them together. This was an incredibly fun tag match, made even more fun by being intergender, rather than mixed tag. After the match the guy sitting next to me agreed: We want to see more Andy Williams in the ring.

48. Timothy Thatcher v Chris Dickinson

These two wrestled a very similar, physical, style that was nice to see in complement to each other. Kind of was booked in a death slot right after Galloway piledrove Matt Riddle through a table.

49. ACH v Timothy Thatcher

Poor Timmy Thatcher, this was his second match booked in an absolute death slot, having to follow Keith Lee vs Donovan Dijak. I’m sure I’d enjoy a Timothy Thatcher match a lot more if it were booked in a good slot.

50. The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

I don’t like Battle Royals, I didn’t like even more that crowd favorites Sami Zayn and Luke Harper were eliminated without much incident. While the end result was predictable when we got to the final six or so, seeing Rob Gronkowski get involved (and the crowd reaction to him getting involved) was a lot of fun.

51. Black, Blonde, and Neon v The Gatekeepers

A great squash match. The Gatekeepers rule in matches like this.

52. James Drake v Rockstar Spud

Chanting “He’s got his own face, on his ass” was the highlight of this match. Rockstar Spud is incredibly charismatic, but it didn’t seem to come off too well in this match.

53. Jesicka Havok v Cat Power

This was a really fun, hard hitting match between two tough women and was a great example of the variety a Shimmer show can give you. My big complaint was that Havok was both much bigger than her opponent and a face, but Cat Power worked her over most of the match without using any underhanded tactics.

54. Dean Ambrose v Baron Corbin

I’m not sure if these two had a generic Smackdown match because they were on the preshow or if they were moved to the preshow because they had planned a boring Smackdown match. After what he said about last year’s Mania fiasco, I expected Dean Ambrose to bring something great to this match. He didn’t. The end sequence was good, but it didn’t make up for this match.

55. John Cena and Nikki Bella v The Miz and Maryse

I know, I know. It’s not about the match, it’s about the moment after. Still, as a huge fan of everything Cena and Miz have done in 2016 and 2017, this match was a damn disappointment.

56. Sea Stars and Obariyon v Sea Monsters

What was, for most people, the 8th of 10 shows at the WWN live center, the Chikara show really suffered a lot. Sea Stars and Obariyon opened the show up against the Sea Monsters, with the face team working really hard, but the match suffered from the crowd fatigue.

57. Missile Assault Man v Kobald

Missile Assualt Man is a great wrestler, but honestly he needs to go back under a mask. He radiated charisma as Missile Assault Ant, but needs to work on his facial expressions outside of it.

58. Wani v Space Monkey

This match had some fun moments, but the end of the match and title change really seemed to come out of nowhere. Also if Wani is using some sort of “mysterious foreigner” gimmick, why are all of his moves just American indie moves?

59. Ophidian v Jeremy Leary

Jeremy Leary showed some good heel energy, but I felt like there was an aspect of his gimmick I didn’t really get. The end of this match was very confusing, with Ophidian using his trademark snake hypnosis and it for some reason not working on Jeremy, it was never explained why.

60. All Ego Ethan Page v Austin Theory

Not knowing much about Evolve before the match, I saw this as a squash match immediately following The Gatekeeper’s squash match. This one wasn’t as fun.

61. Bray Wyatt v Randy Orton

The projection stuff was kind of cool, I guess, but with the exception of that every aspect of this match disappointed me, including the lackluster entrances for both men. I probably came into this match expecting too much (given Randy’s past Mania matches and Bray’s recent work I thought this had the potential for match of the night).

Matches I missed:

Ultramantis Black vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado:

I had to leave Chikara (which started late) early in order to make it to the Amway Center in time for NXT (and to see the taped matches before the show). Honestly only the last taping match was worth it so I should have waited.

Austin Aries vs. Neville

You try getting to wrangling your sister, her husband, and your 2-year-old niece to Wrestlemania on time. Also I went into this assuming there would only be two pre-show matches, so one wouldn’t start before 6 pm.

Most of the Andre the Giant Invitational:

But I watched it on the Network getting in and caught the last half so I’m counting it as seen.

Matches I’m not counting (But am counting toward my Wrestler Seen count):

Pre-NXT Takeover tapings: Honestly these were 3 pretty boring matches, the pre Takeover tapings are never anything to write home about.

Post-NXT Takeover tapings: These are TV Tapings, because of that there’s a lot of squash matches, feud building, etc. Ranking these matches alongside these matches, most of which had a big-event feel, would be unfair.

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