#i dunno how else to word it

[front-facing-pokemon]

#salamence #THIS one is a good one. someone else mentioned the chin and claimed they look like lord farquaad. and would say “why YES this is Divine” and #i didn't like how accurate that was. anyway dragon/flying 4x weakness to ice my belovèd. if anyone says ice is bad #keep in mind how much of the competitive landscape it totally nullifies. ice is like. probably my second favorite type. behind electric #even though none of this is about salamence. they've got the whole primary colors thing going on but minus yellow #red and blue. red white and blue. american pokémon? big red wings that're just Flat. i really dunno what's happening here i just know it's #supposed to be really good in competitive. and also they got a paradox form which i Guess TPC is trying to market as totally new unrelated #pokémon but i'm always going to call them “paradox hariyama” and such instead of ~iron hands~ or whatever they're supposed to be called #don't want my pokémon names to have two words in them……

[landlordevil]

Like the game doesn't offer ulder enough. and it's frustrating because some people are starting to see the layers behind wyll's discussion of his horns/why he would be seen as unsettling to the tieflings, but idk if people are also fully understanding not just the role devils play in the game but ulder's own experiences... he says he became a "plaything for devils" when in elturel. That's bad yeah? like I fully believe he loves wyll and I fully believe that part of his firm refusal to listen to wyll stems from not just the real fear of losing his son to powers beyond his control, but also from his recent trauma of being abused by devils and then seeing his own son bear these marks. It's still not fair to wyll. But I find that having a character who's a flawed parent, who tried and tries and still has shortcomings but admits to them, is incredibly interesting and worthwhile to engage with. But also larian seems so uninterested in actually exploring their relationship, as evidenced by how little we get between the two of them lol

#i still go back and forth on how much i think he knew the truth behind wyll's pact. and how he feels about it. #there's a lot of room to play bc the game gives us so little #but if there is a world where he truly believes wyll willingly sides with devils #why would he listen to wyll? why would he listen to a word out of his mouth? when devils use their words to trick and manipulate? #and if he did believe that he lost a part of his son when he started his pact... and now he has the horns and ridges of a devil... #the pain of thinking you truly lost everything that made your son who he was. like it could scare you. #i dunno... #or maybe there's something else going on. maybe he feels entirely differently. hard to know when the game doesn't gaf about him! #but i like ulder :( let's all stop putting him in the 'villain' category what are some of you doing

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres gotta be. like there has to be something wrong with my head #ugh. not wrong. wrong is a bad word. just. i should not b this hard to get my brain to focus on literally anything that matters #its just so frustrating. im doing the best i ever have. and yet i still cant focus. wtf else can i do? #god dammit. all i wanna do is listen to garbage and draw and draw and draw my shitty little scribbles #maybe my head jsut wasnt built for what im trying to do with it #so idk how tf im supposed to get thru the next 4 years of my phd. or wtf im gonna do after #maybe i should just have just started working at a lab when i graduated. just be a lab manager for thr rest of my life #i dunno. i dunno what to do. how to make my head work. it shouldnt be this hard. my dad can just do things he doesnt want to and im like #HOW??? Im too much like my mom. especially now that im way less anxious. she was a procrastinater and a messy disaster #ay. im just frustrated and feeling guilty abt the lack ot work getting done. i just wanna get back into thr lab #unrelated

[shinakazami1]

Today I'll finish a comm and I'm thinking,,, I might return to the tsp Bucket thing again. I have to finally finish my drafts I've been withholding for months but I want to do too much at the same time 😭 same with the asks, I am thankful to folks who did send them, I am just so slow JHSHSHSHS

#Scramble already tbh said they have the same theory so I dunno if anyone would be interested but I SHAKE myself #So much of the fandom that engaged with my theories doesn't want to interact so that does make me feel my words are worthless :( #But there are also some who are into them still #I will try to make the art for me. That's what I'm trying to do anyways #It still just sucks #I'm angry at how this whole thing was handled and I do want to talk about it publically but like #What would that solve really #The damage is done #Words of apology will never be received #:( sorry for ranting in the tags #I just eh #I dunno #I can't really get into anything else and uni will soon get busy #And i really want to still enjoy the game - to enjoy this #I'm thankful though for those who stayed #For those who care

[salsflore]

hii mutualss genuine question is there any difference between yumejoshi v. self shipper bc ive seen those two used interchangeably but i’m not sooo sure ..

#i would see posts abt it every now and then and theyd be like ohh yume is more serious or something but? i don’t know #don’t really see how thered be much of a difference but i dunno. i remember there being a post about the word itself though #like discourse?!?! over the word like why use yume when you can just use self shipper if ur using it solely bc its japanese etc etc #i dont know i didnt read the entire thing LOLL #anyways itd be fun if there were more terms for self shipper and f/o. i think someone else brought this up and introduced charamour ... #💭

[bmpmp3]

dysgraphic artiƨts risɘ UP!!!!!

#raise your pencils!!!! and erasers. to fix the backwards letters 😔 #sorry still thinking about my weirdness with my art professors. yknow a lot of em have been really pushing us as #students to make our personal identities a major part of like our 'brand' as artists #which. well from an art history major perspective thats a very contentious and nuanced topic. i love a lot of artists who live this way #and i think its great seeing my peers who focus on identity thrive. but also as an fine arts major (double major fool LOL) #i keep getting pushed by teachers into like. specific '____ artist' identities??? #specificaly woman artist. which is a little bizarre because im a bit fat and a bit gnc so im generally like. ungendered? in day-to-day life #(which doesnt actually matter to me directly that much honestly LOL people tend to view me as like. buddy? buddy or pal.) #(not man. not woman. not anything human. sometimes i remind people of a beloved dog. which. hkdsahjk thats its own can of worms) #(a can of worms that also doesnt matter much to me directly because im a wannabe furry who chose to be the dog when playing house as a kid) #(LOL so um. well. theres that) but yeah i dunno i dont really consider myself a woman artist. its been. shockingly (and sometimes luckily?) #irrelevant to most of my life and experiences and art (although dont get me wrong misogyny is very real and very present) so i dont #have a whole lot to say about it from an art perspective. you could also call me all kinds of things. a queer artist. a mixed race artist #again technically correct. some aspects more visible in my work than others. but also very technical. i focus on race a lot in in my #art historical work but i dunno how much my drawings have to say. except that i keep making too many mixed ocs LOL #i dunno i just think my professors gotta focus that energy away from tokenizing me and over to supporting like actual #capital W Woman artists capital Q Queer artists capital A Artists of Colour who are doing far more interesting things than I #far more thought out and engaged in these topics directly. i just kind of stumble into my art blindly and confused <3 #sorry that was a long tangent WHAT IM SAYING Is despite all that: i do consider myself a capital D Dysgraphic artist #i think its an unmovable constant of my art and the way i draw and the way my hands move. the untrained eye doesnt seem to be as aware #of it directly. but those who are familiar can probably see it. the dysgraphia LOL if not just from whenever i write a letter or number #half of them are busted and frantically fixed HDKJSDJDS but its in all my art. if u can see it <3 ive been trying to embrace it #dygraphic artists raise your pencils indeed!! and throw away the eraser!!! make the legibility of your words everyone elses problem!!! #what does that say? what is that sketch? none of my business! none of your business!! its the business of my hand and the pencil alone #motor skill and spatial issues take the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

[zeb-z]

qBad this, qForever that, when did everyone forget about unreliable narrators?

#like listen. alright. bbh I get it. but the feeling he’s feeling of being soooo targeted and that the system is already corrupt is like #he’s taking it incredibly personal yknow? and I respect it. I also agree with his general view of not wanting leadership w federation backin #In the first place yknow? but like everyone look at me and level with me. qBbh is such a hypocrite and I won’t hear another word of it ofjsj #qBad apologists I see it I get it but like. to say everyone has had this coming and bad is treated so poorly on the server like?? #have any of you seen half the stuff bad pulls? have any of you met foolish even entirely unrelated to bad??? y’all are acting like bads - #- getting the foolish treatment rn. which is how qBad is feeling! but guys! unreliable narrator come on now!!! #and the thing about qBad is that he is all about pushing other people’s buttons but when it comes to him? he can’t always handle it. there #are exceptions to this rule ofc but he can be quick to react. if this was a rule specific about say foolish? #or Roier even? Cellbit? bad would jump on the chance for the ‘meme’ #he’s aggravated about the presidential position in the first place and is feeling targeted and is going 0-100 #which is the classic qBad and I respect that! it makes him a fun character! hes just an unreliable narrator and we all gotta remember that #idk man #Cellbit’s convo with him about the electoral process really shows that if you were watching one of their POV’s #the chair bit was salt in the wound to be clear and funny as hell but everything else #I dunno I just have been seeing a bunch of takes that are like I get it I see your passion. but qBad isn’t this saint you make him out to be #anyways I cannot wait to see what comes of this ✌️ #edit: forever isn’t immune to this either btw! but he’s trying at least #mcyt #qsmp #bbh #q!forever #z speaks

[my2imaginary2wonderland]

From: Me To: Monster

You were supposed to wipe tears You created them You promised to never scream to me You did You swore you wouldn’t hurt me And my corpse it's on the river You wouldn't show me your hobbies so I wouldn't be scared But now I'm part of them You told me that you were empathic But in your eyes there is only sadism Although of your appearance, I loved you Because I wanted to feel loved But because of you, now I'm faded.

(coming soon)

#art #digital art #my art #oc art #artists on tumblr #sketches #drawing #sketch #doodle #traditional art #idk what to tag this as #idk #idk what else to tag #idk what im doing #idk man #i dont know #idk how to tag this #whatever #i dunno #poems on tumblr #poem #love poem #words words words #poems and poetry #original poem #poetry #poetic #others ocs #oc stuff #my oc art

[lorillee]

is it just me or does it bug anybody else when people girlbossify characters like stay at home moms or whatever to make them "more interesting"

#like. i dunno how to put it into words #like does she *really* need to be an ex-super secret spy. does she really #is her value as a character purely defined by how kick-butt and superhero she can be? #like. idk. something really rubs me wrong about it. #the idea that everybody (particularly if they're a girl) needs to justify their existence by doing '''manly''' things #and be epic in a stereotypically masculine way #or else they're being ''pathetic boring *girls* (derogatory)'' #like dont get me wrong i love it when female characters get to bite and kill and tear people to shreds #but also.... does that really need to be *all* of our female characters?

[ezraphobicsoup]

my brain is so exploding i don’t know anything i drew a picture i. b hmm bhhhbvhjhbvbvbbbbbb my brother did me biology revision and i’m now like aeerrreseessdddssddd yknow

#you can ignore this epic post i’m just saying words #i drew a picture i think i already said ghag it’s my face it doesn’t really look like me #uh there’s someghinv else i dunno what #man i do not want to go to sleep yet but i won’t get anything done like this will i #ezra’s real life rambles #silly hours posting #<- it’s not even silly hours i’m just dying of plague + 5 hours 20 minutes sleep + kinda busy day #i was thinking earlier right i think i had a dream where i was talking to pictures or something right cause like #i was saying something about not liking chocolate n jam together and then it’s a picture of this one dessert thing i had on holiday which #was chocolage and jam and i felt really guilty and i was thinking about that #and ie as thinking about something else as well but i forgot it now #4 days is not enough days i don’t like that i’m afraid (exams) #yeah sorry this post sucks but now it feels like if i don’t post it i’m like hiding something or lying ??? which isn’t how it work??? but i #don’t have the energy to argue right now so i’ll just go with it and apologise. i’m sorry #scorpions and crabs and they have spoons that’s quite funny it’s not i find it funny i smile

[gachaparadise]

ahhh the Penacony leaks are really coming in now.

*chuckles* I'm in danger.

#i keep going back and forth about if i'm skipping Ratio. I was 100% going for him but now. looking at whats coming #I like Sunday and Robin and Boothill and Gallagher and Misha and Aventurine and DUKE INFERNO?!? #okay. i just saw that Aventurine might be sustain unit. i NEED one of those so bad. #my accounts gonna be completely fucked if i don't get a good support sometime soon. so like. that moves him WAY up my priorities list #and moves Ratio down :( still dunno exactly what he does waiting for official release to make final decisions #but. if he's really an imaginary dps. i might... *dies a little bit* skip him #i just!!! i have DH!!! i WANT to use DH! he's my favourite character in the damn game! #and >_> is Ratio going to have story relevance? i thought Argenti would get more then just a companion quest but he hasn't #and that kinda... bums me out? i like the meet a character THEN roll for them not the other way around. i like character who matter plotwis #A!NY!WAY! putting that aside. i might just go for the 50/50 and take what i get. just to smooth out my pity if nothing else #i don't have most of the standard pool so chances are *knocks on wood* i'll have something new to work with #and like we are getting an absolute BARRAGE of hard skip banners coming up after him. #i do not care for these women at all. extremely mid designs i SLEEP #(except for the judge she fucks but. jades are tight right now honey im sorry!!) #so. i've got a little but of time to save afterwards #post: misc #game: honkai sr #these tags are long and disjointed but its *checks clock* almost 2:30 am so. i'm a bit. you know. #i could save this draft for tomorrow and edit into something resembling a human's train of thought instead of word vomit but #i kinda wanna capture the moment. this is how i saw the leaks. the essence of desperation of a f2p. aahhh gacha my beloved.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that? #because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought #i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy #its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere #bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like #normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes #possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my #reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it #i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything #in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place #i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass #i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired #god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or #read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill #so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating #its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage #bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪 #i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn #unrelated

[curiouschaosstarlight]

(*Quick clarification, 'cause I feel like I should say this right away, I don't mind people not liking or even being really uncomfortable with certain characters, especially villains that have canonically done some really horrible stuff, even if I happen to really love the character in question! It's all in the Handling of the topic, and someone that's like "oh they're just not my cup of tea" or just don't want to talk about the character at all 1000000% has my respect and appreciation <3)

-claps-

So.

On the topic of demonizing characters that have violent or angry responses to their trauma

The thing about it that really gets my goat is the fact that I as a person have had anger problems ever since I can remember. I've had a pretty bad mix of anxiety and anger problems due to being traumatized, and have had to work really, really hard to get my knee-jerk temper under control, and really nothing fucks you up like thinking you're "fixed" but the reality winds up being you just were in a state of "nothing too stressful's happened lately" and then when things start getting incredibly stressful again, you realize you still have more work to do and you have to watch yourself way more than you thought.

I'm still not "fixed", and, after talking extensively with a therapist, I'm kind of just going to have to be okay with that; still trying to do right by the people I care about and not be an asshole about things, but I'm just going to have to live with the fact that in response to high anxiety and high stress, I become an angry person, and I'm not always going to be able to remember to take a step back from a situation when I feel myself getting heated (my success rate in this is going up at least)

So It Really.

Really.

Bothers Me.

When fandom tries to claim that a character isn't traumatized, or isn't traumatized enough, because their response to that trauma is to be violent and angry and malicious. And when they try to claim that because a character reacted this way, they're just evil and irredeemable and have no further depth to them, and any attempt to add depth (even canonical depth) to them is "wrong (and a sign the person doing it is an Abuser/Terrible Person irl)" or is "woobifying them".

And yeah. Part of what bothers me is that I tend to fall very hard for villain/antagonist characters that handle trauma badly, or otherwise have signs that they probably have some trauma they haven't exactly worked through, especially when that villain character gets to have a redemption arc. (And I do NOT mean that as "they cast away everything they were before and completely denounce and despise who they used to be and go through the whole repent and penance number". Give me more villain characters who are TRYING, who are STRUGGLING, who have conflicted feelings, who aren't an entirely new person and shouldn't be left to just wallow in self-hatred over it because!! no one!! deserves!! to wallow in self-hatred!! I want redemption arcs in the form of "person who did wrong is doing their best to be a better person" and NOT "character needs to suffer and be heartbroken and sad and unable to move on forever", I hate when I see people writing the latter shit, Idc what the character canonically did, no one who's genuinely trying deserves to be perpetually miserable and it is Highkey Concerning to see that attitude happen again and again) Plus, I LOVE media and character analysis, it is MY JAM, and.

Yeah.

I've got a lot of feelings that go into this kinda stuff. It's why when I see "no nuance!! just evil!!!"-type takes, that shit really boils my blood.

And is also why I don't actively participate in fandom anymore.

Like, yeah, I make some posts here and there. And I'd love to interact more with like-minded people -- I really love talking to others about characters and media and ships and all that good stuff!!

But I don't go searching for fandom stuff unless it's some art in a completely different language. After my last two fandoms went absolutely horrifically for me in two different ways, I think my trust in modern fandoms is just gone, and I don't think it's coming back.

There's only so many times a person can be told they're inherently evil (indirectly) or badwrong and stupid (directly) for a simple fucking opinion over goddamn fiction of all things.

#chaotic rants #my fandom in 2020 was the absolute worst btw #there was a lot of shit that happened there but the 1 incident that i was violently remembering mid-type #was how someone was writing a 'redemption arc' for my favorite character but #insisted and assured everyone that the character in question was NOT going to ever be happy and was just going to be miserable #and go through the pain of being a better person just FOR that pain because that's all they deserved #and. yeah. kinda hard to vibe with that #people kept talking about that AU like i should love it because i love that character #and was frustrated with everyone else always just killing or maiming the character in their shit #(or sticking them with their abusive parent and calling that 'deserved punishment' for their crimes) #(THAT one really fucks me up) #and im just like... #i dunno how to put into words how hurtful that is to me as both a lover of the character AND #as a person that has done some hurtful things in the past #bc i was a pretty fucked up teenager and it took a while for me to admit i dont get to do whatever i want #to whomever i want #just because i feel hurt and wronged #nothing like sitting there and being told you ARE your worst actions and deserve endless suffering forever bc of it

[transphilza]

fuuuck i miss techno

#i can honestly never really tell how much is my own grief and how much is the grief i absorb from other people bc of my hyperempathy #but fuck if it doesn’t all hurt the same #there’s like so many nice positive and sentimental things i could say about the server and the community and how good this vid was #but it’s kind of all smearing together into me crying about techno again #all the feelings are just kind of bundled up together in this mess of tears #i’m grateful #dunno what else to say #great work tommy i love that kid so much i can’t wait to see what he does next #personal #cw grief #fuck it i’m just gonna keep talking here #grief is like confusing and complicated but the more i grieve the more simple it feels #like it seems obvious but like. it’s just so upsetting that someone so wonderful isn’t around to be wonderful anymore #like that’s all #obviously that’s why grief hurts like obviously but idk i overthink things and the feelings are so all consuming it’s hard to word it well #it’s so debilitating i just think about how bad i feel and i think less about the simplicity of why #techno was an amazing person and now he’s gone and that’s awful #loved ones are little beacons of light yknow. and when one is gone you can tell because everything is dimmer without them #and your eyes can adjust but every once in a while you’ll remember the light that used to be there and it’s like you never adjusted at all #it’s all dim again #i miss him cause he’s gone. it’s different to missing him when he was still alive maybe that’s why saying it in such simple terms feels odd #i am sad because someone good is gone and can no longer be good #his legacy is and his memory is. and that helps #but he’s…. finite now. does that make sense? #obviously we’re all finite like mortality but you don’t think about it because it’s an awful thing to think about #as a creator i admired i was always looking forward to something new. and now there can never be anything new again #it’s obvious but i don’t think about it in such simple terms. because it’s awful to think about #but probably important in terms of like processing and all that #i continue to love him despite that he’s gone #but it’s different and i can’t deny that i can’t pretend it’s not

[funereel]

So I never saw much appeal in like.. violent sex in the literal sense- degradation, giving orders, knives or whatever. But when it is sublimated into pure bloodlust, now that’s really hot? The madness of the hunt is hot

#this is worded really poorly feel free to ignore #i'm posting it more to get it out for myself than anyone else but yea #also i'm not kinkshaming anyone just musing over how i feel about things personally #i dunno man at this point actual sex is one of the less sexy things to me and i never had much interest in it to begin with #wormspeak

[hellohihaihelloo]

I have so many story ideas. But when I start writing the chapters, I lose all my motivation :[

#idk how to tag these things #poets on tumblr #artists on tumblr #writer #randomthoughts #idk what else to tag #meh #this is good enough #yeah idk #idk man #whatever #i dunno #oh well #tagging to feel out space #wow #help #I need help #words words words #poetry #original story #chapters #motivation #relatable #relatable content #so relatable #hmm #dunno what to tag #dunno what else to tag #dunno how to tag this #why is this so hard