#i even havent started hating it yet!

[thebirdandhersong]

It is some consolation that one day this will not make me bristle

#i am aware that im v tired and sleep deprived and about to be on my period so take everything i say with a grain of salt #also i hate being awake at 1am and i have a bajillion things i need to do that i havent started yet #and im planning 2 birthday things tomorrow #and i have 5 birthday dorm cards to write for tomorrow which is going to take foreber #forever #and hours of class to slog through #and i just want to curl up in a ball and weep!!!! #dont dangle the confounded treat in front of my eyes and then stomp it into crumbs while i watch! #dont make me think im loved and then Do This! #i am so tired! even though i know theres so much to be thankful for! #i am planning two birthday parties because i love you guys #but when MY birthday rolls around i am locking myself in my room i am leaving this place i am not going to tell anyone #i am Not going to sit around like a little girl with such sickeningly high hopes #and watch them be crushed AGAIN! #I will go OUT and not come back to the dorm until evening because i cannot STAND to be disappointed again #just like every other time! THIS MAKES ME SICK #my heart is so tired :) esp after the boy thing

[sleep-nurse]

Man........not even the zer0h hyperfixation fucked me up this bad....

#sunflower rambles #the fact that i feel this bad when i havent even gotten to the ending of omori yet #i just. stopped right before visiting basil after the treehouse #i dont know......i dont know what hit me #i think everything did. and i just bottled it all up until the bottle exploded and i started crying #also i hate black space. even more black space 2 #this was really just a trip to ruin my mental health

[silenthillbunni]

📓🖊️🌧️🌫️

#just... ugh! im so frustrated nd need to vent a bit #sadly.. smth i havent accepted yet is that having avpd will be constant thru my life and it will have ups and downs #i had a pretty long run of not being *that* avoidant #for 2 weeks now i'm back in that suuuuuper avoidant place #like super avoidant. i dont even go for walks or go to the grocery store. or send emails to my teachers (important!!!!) #i cant look at anything thats important. i dont even clean my room T-T #this is the 2nd week im skipping school which is v bad. nd i havent done anything on my assignment in the course i need to finish in march #i dont open messages or reply to anyone bc i just cant it gives me too much anxiety #im simply avoiding EVERYTHING #and it's such an awful place to be stuck in i hate it so so so so much #worst part is I HAVE NO FKN IDEA HOW TO BREAK FREE!!!!!!! #i've never gotten any treatment for my avpd nd there is actually no information or research online so idk how to handle it #i just wait and simmer in this fkn.... sucky ass soup mess nd wait nd wait #until suddenly it just loosens nd i can start doing things here nd there #the problem is. i dont rlly have time #i dont have time to sit and wait!!! i have time sensitive responsibilities that i risk ruin if i dont do them #i just have no idea HOW to do anything rn. bc it doesnt work to just force myself to do them #it doesn work to make lists or schedules #it suxxx that there isnt rlly any treatment or accessible tips for how to deal w avpd bc im rlly... #im alone... out in the open sea... no one around as far as the eye can see... no life raft. no help skskksks #anyway #ig all i can do is wait nd *try* to do small things as much as i can nd hope i'll get less avoidant soon #i just hate this so much. i always feel so awful nd terrible nd it's so bad ugh

[toxooz]

ALSOOOOOOO i Finally got to ride a skateboard at the skatepark with bf n friends for the first time ever yesterday and i feel so 👀👀👌👌👌💯💯💯 i managed to be able to balance and push around and stop without falling and it was fun tbh!! i can see getting muscle memory and improvement by doing it consistently 😤 i just hope this aint too short of a phase for everyone so i can hopefully get me own board soon 🙏

#i kno i said i had to take it easy but it was the 4th i had to go out n live a little shhhhh #i think i skate goofy but it might be bc im left handed so its just How Its Gunna Be lmfao hopefully i'll see #theyve been starting to go there recently and a few ppl are thinking abt getting more boards and skates and ofc i Gotta get one #its practically required of me to get one AHA #being able to use my book smarts research abt footing and pushing with the right foot/ stopping without a tragedy was rlly cool #i havent fell yet but im dreading it bc that shit will be inevitable lolol its just a matter of when #it definitely takes confidence and intent and Brother i am but a teacup chihuahua #BUT that is the beauty of progress and improvement and courage #even if its just a couple months fad thing for them it would still be nice to at least get the experience #and get a better idea of what the hell my Entire story is about lmfao #i hate that it took me this long but its what i gotta do better late than never #i think i aint got crippling anxiety for everything and then i realize i cant do like 85% of things #i want to do in life AHAaa #its just one of them things i Gotta have someone do it with me so this opportunity fell into my lap and im ESTATIC #edit looked it up again and i DO NOT skate goofy i skate regualr HELL YEAH

[demadogs]

sometimes i think im a little crazy with how much i think about this show but i just saw someone say theyve rewatched s4 nine times so maybe im not too bad

#no hate but god bro how do you even have that much free time #ive rewatced dear billy and the last episode and i rewatched all of the cali scenes #but i havent rewatched it all from start to finish yet #wait in the last episode i only watched the hawkins story so not really #ill do it before v2 #stranger things #byler tumblr

[alex-just-vibing]

grah my head feels like it might explode

#this essay prompt makes 0 fucking sense #love this teacher. fucking hate how she teaches tho #we're supposed to have a rough draft by the end of class tomorrow #okay not too horrible #IF MOT FOR THE FACT SHE KEEOS CHAINGING THE ALREADY FUCKIBG CONFUSING ASS PROMPT #i can write essays about whatever stupid fucking novel you need me to #but myself?? #a significant memory i have??? that i learned a stupid fucking lesson from????? #i have like 0 significant memories from before the age of like. 10. and still not all that many after thay <3 #should i talk ab how my dad fucking died? would you like that you asshole????????? #what fucking lesson would I have learned from that? dont become a fucjibg alvoholic? #shit i feel like im gonna fucking cry again i cant do this shit #i have the general vibe for each paragraph listed out ill work on it more in homeroom tomorrow #we wont even have the full fucking class for this tomorrow cuz she's a fucking asshole who gives us like five fucking seconds in class per #assignment #fucking hell dude #especially since half the class said they hadnt even started writing by like halfway through our (shortened!) class yesterday #im gonna fucking explode #my stuff #alex is not vibing. #also pjysicially too my dumbass forgot to eat dinner cuz hehe haha omg i can sing and suddenly uts 10 and i havent showered yet and my mom #will be getting home soon so i need to shower then rush my gay ass to bed #which i am in currently. #so im also feeling the forgor to eat feeling too <3

[quinttyz]

fuck windhelm all of my homies hate windhelm

#quinttyz draws #windhelm was actually avarice’s first explored city in skyrim #after she rescued kaidan she demanded him to take her to the nearest city they could find #their sorry asses landed in ulfric’s toilet #it’s so funny bc the gang hates windhelm so much but they always find themselves getting dragged back there HAHAHA #i havent even started the main quest yet!! still trying to collect the homies #ALSO SUPER FUNNY BC AVARICE AND RUMARIN WERE ALREADY DONE WITH WINDHELM #hate at first sight #meanwhile kaidan decided to try to stay positive about it even praising the architecture #but when they saw the gray quarter…… #kaidan 🤝 avarice 🤝 rumarin 🤝 :this city must die #also uhh theres a lot of bodies in the streets bc of the assassins that are after avarice lmao so the officials are just like #so whos gonna clean this up huh #skyrim #kaidan tes #skyrim kaidan #kaidan #kaidan skyrim #kaidan 2 #kaidan x dragonborn #kaidan x ldb #rumarin 3dnpc #rumarin skyrim #interesting npcs #3dnpc #modded skyrim #skyrim modded followers #skyrim custom followers #the misadventures of a misplaced demiprince #oc: avarice

[lumalalu]

man fuck it im gonna start doin wip wednesdays here

Summer is sweet and endless and she has nothing to do but look at me. She's looking at me now, through the sun's glare on her mirror. She shadows the shapes of my mouth, but doesn't put her voice to my words.

My parents are worried about Grace. They think something's wrong with her - I know what it is. Grace knows, too, looking at me, looking through the glare in the mirror. Everything about her is wrong. I could fix her, if she would let me.

Solid, measured knocks. "Gracie?"

"Yeah?" She pulls her braids back to look at her shoulders uncovered. The angle of her jaw. She is trying to see how it matches up to mine.

"Your mother and I are going to go to the mall. Do you want to come?"

I've never been a fan of the sweltering heat of a cracked-asphalt parking lot, nor the chill on my skin in a Macy's. Grace says, "Okay." But she only said that so that she can look away from me. She is a fool. I can be found in anything that can reflect. I watch her in the windows, in silver lockets, in the mirrors she models new boots in. She parades about like a wind-up toy, a ballerina in a music box. Her mother hands her new skirts for the new school year, button-up blouses, low-cut but not whorish, and modest stockings.

The dressing rooms are hidden in the corner, neatly separated by two icons of triangles - one upside and one downside. I follow her to the wrong one, the wrong stall. It's cramped and ill-fitting, somewhat like a body. Grace tries her best to avoid me still. It's a valiant effort, I'll give her that much. But at some point, in a few minutes, maybe, she'll have to turn around and face me.

Grace takes off her tanktop like the accused pushing off concrete slabs. She hisses with impatience at the clasp of her bra and its stubborn claws in her skin, throws it on the bench with more violence than is necessary. Branded into her back it remains, aching, smoking. Cramped and ill-fitting. She itches at it like the fabric is stuck in her, like it still remains subcutaneously and she could pull it away finally, permanently, if she also removed the skin. Her nails are well cared for, and so, won't do the job. I smile at the sound of her bent elbows.

Her pants go too, her keys squeezing free of the claustrophobic pockets and diving with raucous applause to the floor. Her phone is in her purse, because the back pockets are only decorative. Grace doesn't curse. Her words are never ugly. Instead, her lips bend into the shape of: "shit", and then she bends and picks up the keyring. It is unadorned. Why should it be anything else? A key only has one purpose.

For a moment we stand there together, Grace's back to me, my back not quite to hers. She is hesitating, stretching out the moment between one set of clothes and the next. The blouse is slippery and coarse in texture, sends spider legs running over her back. The skirt is of good quality, but takes up in the back, so she is afraid to bend. No pockets.

I ask her if I can see it. She stares at the off-white wall in silence, and then she turns.

"Oh, no, Gracie. That won't do at all." I tell her. "That thing isn't even fit to be a tablecloth. It's see-through, it's itchy on my ribs. It's pushing my skin too close to my bones, the points of my ribs poking at my lungs. It's like a coffin leaking air, sighing its way into the ground." 

Her breath hitches. "I don't know what's wrong with me." She's saying to herself, to the mirror, to me. I make a sound - in my mouth it is sympathetic, but in hers it is animal, pained, cornered.

#the erm #well i already have all of my future changes planned out but might as well talk about it here #the introduction to this scene needs to be a bit more involved or like. #ren calls it cinematic lol #wip wednesday #UHHH #writeblr #writeblogging #the next part that im working on today will be the reflection giving her different clothes to try on #i dont know whether to lean harder into the dysphoria in like a 'i just look like a girl in mens clothes' or into a euphoric way #i can probably figure out a way to do both? #like... if grace is like I hate this and the reflection goes But look #here is potential for something else #the more i write it the more im confident its like #clear enough so as not to be confusing #like even if u dont get the intended meaning youd probably come away with Something #i havent had many people read any of this yet tho #since im not in a creative writing group anymore i dont have a lot of people To show #maybe theres something like that that meets up at my library #or maybe i could start something? #idk how youd even like. advertise for that... #i dont actually think this is long enough to warrant a readmore but i thought it would be polite still #i guess technically this is transgender but its not like #its prose lol #oh this is a short story im intending to submit to a lit magazine when its finished #id liketo find specifically a queer one #ive been trying to make a lil personal website on neocities to host my original stuff too so ill probably put this there when its done #sniffs #🕷❣ #TRYING NOT TO BE NEGATIVE I CAN WRITE! THIS IS A SECOND PASS BUT ITS STILL GOOD AND WORTH SHARING

[thedevotionaltour]

THAT SATURDAY NIGHT FEELING.

#getting my bfa in CLOWN ART!!!!!! I HATE COLLEGE it's one of my favorite places and i love making comics #but the 8 pages is getting to me. and having to draw 10 more poses i havent even started on that yet URGH.

[anti-dazai-blog]

Got the most baffling ask from [redacted] about an hour ago saying that I should “stop judging Dazai for past actions” and I’m still thinking about it.

What. what does that mean.

#I havent even started analyzing the light novels yet Everything I talk about is in the main manga?? #What “past actions”??? #Regardless of Time not existing (in the Real Life sense) in fiction #So there’s no such thing as “past actions” (in the Real Life sense.) there’s only “before” and “after” the main story #Meaning if there’s a ten year time skip at the end that’s seen as “the future” rather than “the present” #The main story will always be “the present” #The main story doesn’t become “past actions” as soon as there’s something that comes after it #And with the way BSD is written very little could even be considered “the past” in and of itself #Yosano and Kenji’s backstories are shown as flashbacks within the main story so technically they can be seen as “the past” #But the Light Novels are shown as standalone stories (as in you don’t need to read the main manga to read them) #So if I were reading Dark Era then that would be “the present” and the main manga would be “the future” #Because. Time doesn’t move in fiction. It’s stationary. #What’s “the present” is a matter of perspective when you have a story like #The same way when a movie has a sequel. if you watch Movie 1 the sequel is “the future” but if you watch Movie 2 it becomes “the present” #While Movie 1 is “the past” #And that’s not even touching on how fictional characters can be judged by absolutely anything they did at any point of time #Because like I said. Fictional Time Is Stationary. #And I hate to say it but everyone very much judges Real People based on past actions? #Yeah I do actually think people should be held accountable for their crimes and not just forgiven because it happened a while ago #“But judge.. I killed all those people 4 years ago!! Why are you so caught up on the past??” #Anyway back to my original question #In context of this blog. What does that even mean. #(Like. Am I only supposed to talk about the latest chapter or something?) #(Do you sit in literature class going “why’s Hamlet judging Claudius for his past actions??”) #(Like. SIR. That’s a part of the story for a reason.)

[ice-reblogs]

If there is a God

I want to rip out my uterus with my bare hands and devour it like a rabid animal in front of him

And after I'm done, I want to stand up and look at him, blood dripping from my jaw; and tell him to pray for my forgiveness for making me suffer in the wrong body

#bite it strike #this is not meant to be offensive. but if you take offense to it- well im sorry #my cramps are fucking killing me this week- they hurt so bad and i havent even actually started yet #i desperately want to get a hysterectomy- but because i was born a female. i cant. i either HAVE to have kids (which i dont fucking want--- #----its one of the reasons i want a hysterectomy in the first place) or i have to be dying of cancer or some shit #being a female at birth is miserable when it comes to health care =] #i hate it here #anyway! i want to fucking die rn- just curl up and rot away #i meant to say month instead of week- but i do usually cramp a week before i start

[bisexual-joseph-joestar]

IM GOING TO CRY I HATE THISSSSSS

#still have more physio and MORE MATH OH MY GOD I FORGOT 😭 #math for class about how to take classes 😒 #i hate this so much 😭 school for me rn is retake physio retake math and take a class about how to take classes #this term is so unnecessary and its killing my motivation everytime i think about it #… stupid school just wants to take money 😒 #next term i have to take philosophy even tho i definitely have credits from community college that can transfer #and pathophysiology <- the only class i havent taken yet before i can start actual nursing related stuff

[master-gatherer]

.

#im also playing through persona 5 and dont get me started on akechi's whole deal #the cunt! the i hate you but im obsessed with you! #just *bites through wood* #havent posted that much about it b/c a) dont know protag's canon name (im using a custom) #and b) its like that meme w/ the guy tearing up their blorbo in their mouth #there's just too much! #and i havent even finished nijima's palace yet!

[toytulini]

mental health just straight up plummeting

#toy txt post #everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair #constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point #whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into #a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so #much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one #so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad #and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why #i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point #every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of #reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know #like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food #service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and #all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just #wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and #between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so #now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead #trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the #point #vent #ig #i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not #functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep #and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends #not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this #i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get #lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking #distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying #anyway. thats how im doing. bye

[dog-ending]

"im so depressed ive lost all will to keep going :'c" <-hasnt done anything creative in over a month

#i fucking hate moving #last week was a disaster so i havent even really been able to start unpacking yet #i KNOW im only miserable bc i cant even knit let alone paint or sculpt or sew #or even COOK #i knowwwww #but its eating me up inside i have to do SOMETHING

[hecksupremechips]

Made a bad decision and got p4 golden and then got really depressed so I probably shouldn’t keep playing it and now I just gotta have it sit in the corner taunting me 😵‍💫

#i bought it with a gift card so fortunately i didnt spend and of my own money #but still. couldve bought something better with that card 😩 #i havent even gotten to the offensive stuff yet like i literally started today and got to yosukes awakening #but hnnnghh even engaging with the parts that should be fun and harmless is draining and i hate it #cuz i wanna like it so bad! like the music is cute and even yosuke hes a cute lad! #but just knowing how awful it gets and re remembering how bad it made me feel just…ugh #also im just gonna say i only played vanilla this is my first time playing golden and i forgot they changed chies voice actor #god the new one is so annoying like its so hard to like her with this voice lol #i also forgot marie was a character they added ew gross #and i forgot teddie existed aaaaaaaa #at least the line ‘yosuke pounded an enemy!’ exists #but yeah god i dont think i can actually play this game and i only got it cuz i wanted to remember it again and take notes #but its just too damn exhausting i hate this game too much lol #knowing me though….im probably gonna give in and play it some more 😵‍💫