#i even wrote some for myself but looking at them back now feels weird af

[arcorin]

@love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward i ended up making a post because i felt like i wrote way too much and it would be unreadable in dm 😅 (this is @lucian-evander btw )

Ok that's the moment i realise i haven't noted anything and so aren't 100% sure about the timeline 😅

So i had my first injection of 0,4 ml of androtardyl (250mg/ 1ml ) february 6th and stayed on that dosage every 4 weeks until half may, my doctor made me do a whole check up beforehand like my blood levels and hormones levels to check there weren't any contraindications.

The things that changed : First thing that happened is bottom growth in the first few days like right the day after my first injection, it was not uncomfortable just something i was aware of specially the few first days i think it stopped growing like maybe two weeks after ? It was something i was scared of because like i've read about the uncomfort and wasn't really something i wanted in the first place but i was actually ok with it when it happened and idk if it makes sense but it felt natural (i kinda thought the concept was weird before tbh). I didn't really feel anything else until the first month (which made me paranoid af about if my injection happened btw like a part of me was surprised i didn't feel the t running in my veins i guess 😂🤦🏻‍♂️ ) and then got like 4/5 days of hot flashes during the nights which were incredibly annoying ngl but then it passed (kinda like people going through menopause) . Also gained some belly weight at this point which surprised me because weight redistribution isn't supposed to happen that fast and my chest got more saggy, got used to it now but i kinda freaked out by how fast it changed . Oh also my skin was super dry at this point that was not the best part . At one month the acne went back i had a lot of it during the first puberty and kinda expected it, just the first time my skin was super oily and this time it's super dry but kinda grainy and testosterone is supposed to do the contrary ? At this point my hairline started changing but like not the front recessing i saw everyone talking about but hair growing on the back sides ? Which is something i did not expect at all. Hair also was growing on the tights and knees (the rest of my legs were already hairy af so it didn't make much difference) which was something that took place in the 2/3 months on t too . Some fuzz on the face too starting by the sideburns and the chin (it's stills not much even now ) the mustache kinda darkened i think . 2/3 months on t i noticed i was less physically tired than before and working out was easier oh also my veins became more visible . My voice dropped (a little ) then too, i hear the difference more when i sing than when i talk tbh i think it's because i didn't really changed the way i talk and usually talks more with a head voice but now i can go way more in the low tones if i want to . Oh also at 3 months my adam apple was noticeable which is something i didn't know i would be so happy about (not me totally playing with it h24 ) , btw my neck is larger now i think same as my shoulders (my binders became too small and I didn't think of that 😭) and my face is more angular? That's something that happened very slowly . I changed my dosage to 0,3 every two weeks in may (no important reasons for the time change it was just so i could sync my injections with a friend , i learned to do them myself at this point and kinda proud of it, oh btw it hurts less than doing blood tests like it varies from one shoot to another but i didn't even feel the first one by example ) . After 3 months i didn't really feel big changes as much , arm muscles kept growing , acne is still there, some more hair is slowly growing on my shoulders, chest and arms , i guess my voice is still dropping a little and facial hair is slowing growing too i mean it's supposed to take time anyway so i'm ok with that (i also stopped looking for changes everyday in the mirror like i did the first months 😂) . I did a blood test every 3 months to check my level of red blood cells and other blood checks and they were good so i think i'll high up my dosage to 0,4 every two weeks .

For the things i have no idea if they changed or not : the mental part (i was really scared of that ) well i can't really tell you because i'm not someone very emotionally stable in the first place and these last months have been absolutely crazy for reasons unrelated to hormones so i really have no idea what's related to it or not since i can't really know how it would have been if i wasn't on t you know ? i just can say it's been a month i've been back to exactly in the same place emotionally as i was like last October so i don't think hrt plays much of a role in that . Also totally unrelated but sweat is supposed to change of smell but since i started to shower three more times than before due to uuuh being touch starved and trying to boil myself i'm actually less smelly than before so idk if it changed

Now for the stuff that didn't change (and i expected it that way) : i know people said it changed their capacity to cry it didn't change anything for me but like i already cried like maybe once a year so yeah . I didn't change my diet i just was more hungry the 2/3 first months then it went back to normal . No increased sweating but then again i already sweated a lot before . No libido increase same reason than the last one

For the weird stuff that was supposed to be the contrary : so before i used to feel constantly too hot and my body was always boiling like it could be 2° outside and i would be in t-shirt complaining about how it was too hot and my trans friends used to tease me about how when i'll be on t i'll just combust because it's supposed to make you even less sensitive to the cold (in the contrary of the oestrogens) but like now for the first time in my life i actually feel normally the weather ? Like i'm cold when it's cold ? And my body temperature became moderated ? Very wtf

Anyway now i'm 6 months on t and i don't regret it and i got used to the changes i didn't like at first and the most annoying part like hot flashes and too dry skin are over so that's good . I was scared of changes in themselves even the ones i wanted before starting it before well i struggle with changes in general but most of them happened gradually enough (btw if you want to slow down changes you can just low dose and increase it very slowly kinda like it would do in a cis puberty )

I probably forgot some stuff so if you have specific questions please ask, i'm ok with answering to pretty much anything .

#i hope this is at least a little readable 😅 i guess i could have organized the infos better 😅 sorry #also hope it wasn't too tmi

[lieutenantselnia]

At some point then I might just go "fine, I'll do it myself"

#flashback to when i was 16 and used to read thrawn x reader fanfics all the time #i even wrote some for myself but looking at them back now feels weird af #honestly no wonder it took me so long to find out I'm ace lmao #but at least there where some fanfics in contrary to my two current f/os who have either none at all or just very few #fictional crush #fictional crushes #fictional other #f/o #character x reader #character x y/n #fanfic #fanfiction #self ship #self shipping #self shipping community #self ship meme #meme #f/o meme #self insert x canon

[3desiderium3]

For your love

chapter seven - I'll do whatever you want

[ series masterlist ]

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings : reader x damiano david

story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings

chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression

song recommendation - for your love

pov : 3 years ago

" I don't like him Y/N ! That guy just doesn't sit right with me ! " Y/N rolled her eyes at her boyfriend Michael . They had this heated argument that lasted for over an hour , because Y/N was going out with Thomas and Damiano .

Well .. Only Damiano ..

It was very clear to her that her boyfriend disliked that brown eyed god .

Y/N met Damiano through Thomas , her best male friend , maybe 2 weeks ago . But those 2 weeks ago seemed so far and so unreal .

She sometimes regretted not paying more attention to him that night .

Thomas and Damiano where driving around in Damiano's car while Y/N and Michael needed a ride to one party .

Back in those times Y/N was so in love with her boyfriend . She thought she was going to marry him . Be the mother of his kids .

At first Damiano seemed like an average person to her . She only saw him as potential band mate of her best friend . She was looking at him like she would any other acquaintance .

That night when they met felt like any other . She didn't felt sparks , she didn't felt butterflies nor did she noticed he wanted to flirt with her or something . The atmosphere was normal .

' I wanna be the first man you look at tonight

I wanna be stuck in your head and make you go wild '

The next time she hanged with him was at his house , along with Thomas of course . And even then she felt nothing towards him . No attraction . She was happy to have another male friend that is all . He was smart , charismatic , very interesting person to listen , he had a lot of interesting stories to share .

They weren't in touch . No texting or calls . The only time they hanged out was when Thomas arranged something . But soon that changed .

It was unplanned . Thomas couldn't hang , Michael was out of town and Y/N was bored .

So she simply texted him and they went out driving for hours in his car , playing music , laughing and having fun .

A lot of fun .

Basically that is how they started hanging out without Thomas . No one saw problem in it .

' I wanna drive you 'til the morning light and I wanna leave you alone in the middle of the night '

Damiano wasn't showing up any sort of deeper interest in her . He was very casual , calm and friendly . Y/N once told Thomas that she was glad that she met the person who is interested in her beyond just fucking her .

But boy she was wrong .

Maybe not the very first night he met her but after a while of going out Damiano became obsessed with Y/N .

He wanted to know everything about her , get in her head , under her skin . Just like she did to him . Suddenly they started hanging out alone every fucking day .

He had a thick notebook overfilled with drawings , portraits and sketches of her and her body , her hands , her eyes . .

He wrote songs for her . Poems . Songs splattered with his lust and desire all over their pages . ( just like he wrote for your love . )

It was driving Y/N's boyfriend crazy .

He started argues often and he was getting more and more possessive and scared for his relationship each day .

" I don't trust him Y/N . " She wished she listened to him on time . . .

Things where happening almost too fast , Y/N tried reassuring herself that what they are doing is not wrong .

I mean she cuddled with Thomas almost every day and he was also clingy . It was basically the same thing with Damiano . Right ?

Unlike her Damiano knew exactly what was going on . And in what direction it was heading . He wanted her . He craved for her . But only for pleasure .

' I wanna be a good man and see you smile

And I wanna swim between your thighs I wanna fuck you till you scream and cry . '

At first his only intention was to sleep with her but not even in a billion years he could imagine how deep in his mind she would be .

He had a tactic . Simply make everything appear natural , say a few comforting words to her , tell her something about how special she is , get what you want and try slowly to get out of that situation between the two of you before she realizes something . It worked every time .

Until this one .

They where slowly growing closer together . They spent an entire month cuddling , hanging out , playing with each others hair , driving , singing and making a strong bond .

" His intentions are not clear I can feel it ! " " Well I can't ! He wants nothing more than to be friends with me ! What do you want from me Michael ? To stop seeing my friend ? " " No . That is not what I am asking from you . But I expect you to know that it is bothering me and you stop . "

That is how any conversation between Y/N and Michael went . They grew cold , became strangers , one was fighting for their long lost love while the other was lost in the grip of the heartless lover .

Y/N started being depressed again . She became so limb and so distant from everyone .

Her state only increasing the fights between Michael and her . Damiano was not like it . .

He understood her . . .

The day he kissed her for the first time was December the third .

On that very same day he slept with her too . On that very same day she cheated on Michael .

It was weird . Y/N almost regretted it .

She coudln't describe how it was . She only remembers the rain outside pouring on that cold day . How the only light in that dark , black and Prussian blue room came from the muted TV . The room was warm . It was smelling so much like Damiano . It was sweet smell .

He was sitting on the edge of the bed , hugging Y/N by her waist . Both of them in their underwear . His head on her stomach as she was carassing his hair . His hands where rough , yet loving and gentle , he in fact was rough on a very gentle way . He made love to her like a man .

Every each time was better . The more they talked and discussed about their likings . Creating memories before or after being intimate .

' I wanna hold you in my arms tonight

For your love I'll do whatever you want . '

Ten days later Y/N broke up with Michael .

With an excuse that she was not completely ready to devote herself to them .

Instead she was laying in Damiano's sweaty arms , who held her close as she was gently caressing his chest and biceps . He talked so sweet . So interesting . So mysterious . So deep . Like he held all the answers to all her questions . He was amusing her .

Days slowly turned into a month . A whole month of disaster . Michael was right .

Damiano is bad news .

" Come here , let me hold you . "

He spoke those words in raspy voice after each time they had sex .

" Amore . . Amore "

' For your love I'll do whatever you want

I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

Damiano always had time for her . At any time of the day .

Often even leaving his friends to go and see her .

Back then Y/N didn't understood this but the only bond she thought she had with him . .

Was just sex .

Nothing more . Pure sex .

All those memories they made , like looking at his childhood pictures , visiting his villa on the north of the Italy , going out to other cities etc ..

Those memories existed only before or after they've been intimate .

Damiano started to feel something . Something deeper than just desire for lust .

But unlike Y/N who also felt it he was scared of it . He didn't want it . He didn't want to admit it .

He was slowly falling in love . But for whatever selfish reason that he had , he couldn't be with her at that time .

He started to think about her every day , every night . Every second he had in those 24 hours .

" You ruined my life you fucking idiot . Look what you've done to me . You ruined me . "

He would say in joking tone to her . Only making her laugh and roll her eyes but he was so far from joking .

He simply got scared of his feelings .

She was not like other girls he had . And it was not some made up quiche move , it was truth .

She wasn't selfish .

She gave her whole being to him . Blindly .

Thinking he would do the same .

But no .

One day , he just started growing cold . It was a slow and painful process but Y/N felt it . She felt that winter . He always had an excuse for his behavior .

No one knew about their little special relationship . Y/N was left alone to think about everything that has happened between them so many sleepless nights .

' So baby why don't you please me now

I've got so much I can give to you . '

" I simply can't continue this tempo . This is something that became a mental gymnastic to me . This . Us . Our relationship . You happened to me when I was an emotional disaster . However you are a very dear to me . You mean a lot to me and I don't wanna lose you . I wanna continue hanging with you but we must not sleep with each other more . "

" Why are you feeling like this Damiano ? Our relationship is not that complicated . "

" Well to be honest Y/N we don't have a relationship . "

" Then why are you finding all this so stressful ?"

And so one day .

He just left .

He disappeared .

Stopped answering her calls , responding to her messages . Gone .

Y/N was desperate . Under the hard influence of alcohol and self harm again . Feeling like she was trapped in a slow motion movie .

Nothing was clear . Nothing was okay .

Why he left and where he was ?

' For your love I'll do whatever you want

I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

She had no one to talk to but Thomas .

She came to his house one night .

It was January . It was cold . She was bleeding from all the wounds her heart tried to stich .

Sobbing she knocked on his door .

Three hours later she was in his hoodie , tightly wrapped in his embrace with puffed eyes and trembling lips . He was kissing her temple from time to time . Ice cream boxes beside the bed and her favorite movie in the background .

On his bed there was a mess made of used white tissues .

" Sometimes when people are scared they leave . " Thomas said . " Why ? " " It is easier . "

She had a sleepover at his house that night .

She hardly feel asleep . Feeling a bit better after finally opening up to someone .

Thomas was burning in rage . He was mad at both of them . More on Damiano tho , it took him a short amount of time to realize she was just being used .

January slowly ended .

And Damiano was back in town .

Y/N was starting to get over him and the fact she was feeling on her skin her mothers words.

' All boys are the same they only want to use you .'

She was getting ready go go out and hang with her friend . When suddenly on her phone screen appeared long time not seen notification .

'ykaaar sent you a message : Hey can you hang ? '

She dropped her phone on the sink .

Feeling mixed emotions of anger , sadness and excitement .

And in not less than 10 minutes she canceled her friend and she was already in his car waiting for answers .

' So tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '

" I was confused . And scared . You are the first woman that made me feel like this . I still mean it when I say I want you in my life . I just needed some alone time to clear my head and think . And I had plenty of time and space to do it . "

He took her palm in his hands kissed it and brought it close to his face . She was breathing hard . Was this really all she was waiting all this time ?

" I wanna be with you Y/N . I wanna commit to you . But I can't . I am not sure I am ready . I don't want to fail you . . What do you want from me Y/N . Why do you care for me so much ? "

" Damiano .. You are in my life with a purpose . For a certain reason . I won't let you go . I won't let you leave me . You mean to me so much as a person and even beyond that words can describe . Too much emotions , time and energy is spared on you than it was supposed to be ."

They sat in that car for hours . Talking . Crying even a bit . But at the end of the night they where in peace . In love .

January ended . February almost passed .

Winter was sharp and cruel .

' Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby

Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '

But despite that Damiano and Y/N went against it . They started dating officially . In private first few weeks .

Måneskin was having a rehearsal . They took that as an good opportunity to announce everyone the good news .

" I can't belive this . Y/N you are so fucking dumb ! " Thomas shouted at them .

The studio was silent . Ethan had his eyes wide open from shock . Victoria was sitting with her hands in her lap looking at the ground .

" What is your problem Thomas ! I thought you where going to be happy cause of me ! "

" And why would I be ?! What is it so good that you did to make me happy ?! You hooked up with him after everything ! After all those crying sleepless nights , all those public panic or anxiety attacks you had , all that alcohol that you drank !While he was out fucking some girl and not giving shit about you ! "

" Thomas that is en- " " Don't interrupt me ! "

He picked up his jacket and back pack .

" I was there for you then . And just then . But now when I see that you are repeating the same fucking mistake I am not so sure I would be there for you the next time . Don't come to my place crying how he hurt you cause we all know he would . "

He left the studio dramatically leaving everyone silent . Barely 3 minutes passed and he was storming back in inside .

" Oh yeah and another thing Damiano . You might be a good singer but that does not mean we are going to tolerate you just for that . I created Måneskin with Vic and I have every right to either kick you out or leave myself . "

He lighted a cigarette . " I do not want lying manipulators in my surrounding . "

Many years later after that day Y/N regretted being mad at her friend for taking that silly thing so personal . But her friend saw beyond every border she could ever see .

Thomas knew Damiano very well .

And he knew he was no good news .

' Because baby for your love I'll do whatever you want

For your love I'll do whatever you want I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

A/N i wanna write a chapter based on a song i wanna f*cking tear you apart by she wants revenge . give me ideas about what i should write in that chapter along with the song .

taglist : @ella-nordstrm3 , @urskaa , @lovelysaltyland , @littleachaos , @whoreforhenrycavill , @13journals , @onceuponparrilla , @21nell , @davedace101 , @vainbimbo , @aliyeaz , @vandafabryova , @miriampraez , @foggyhottubcrusade , @daringovangel , @inr89 , @fanfictioncafe , @mrsllshhb , @over-themoon ,@theclavvofaraven , @annika0-o , @thxtsclxssified , @goddessofthem0on , @ellabeth , @vandafabryova , @boredvick , @paulasdodo, @damianoaf , @angeliquekalampoka , @coffee-and-blueberries , @yellowflickervic , @thatweirdesichick , @wildxxwolf , @mentally-dating-rosa-diaz , @moriro-da-regina , @scruffiejelly ,@lara-sky , @tryymebitch , @yourchicken10 , @thxtsclxssified , @klotsoskoufi , @l0standn0tf0und , @olivera-gajic

[justagost]

Face him head on - A Narumitsu Fic

So I got into the AA fandom recently and... I love Bratworth??? And I like seeing Bratworth/Feenie content? So I wrote this:

Basically, Post SoJ Edgeworth and Wright get teleported (with some Magatama incident) in the years where they were young, aka Bratworth’s and Feenie’s (Pre-Dahlia) years, but, Wright appears in the courthouse with young Miles, and Edgeworth in Ivy University with young Phoenix. So, the old counterparts, to get back together, make their young selves meet again.

I know this sounds complicated af, but I swear it’s a LOT easier to understand if you just read it

Spoilers for: Most of AA: Trials and Tribulation and Turnabout goodbyes 

Warning: Mention of blood, fluff, and a bit of horny Bratworth for Older Phoenix and his fancy suit. Nothing explicit  

Words count: 3.700

Enjoy~

Edgeworth paced the tribunal’s hall, his shoes clicked on the smooth pavement, Von Karma was to arrive soon for a trial and he was sure the man was going to want to meet him for a regular check-up on victories and progress. Miles wasn’t really ecstatic about it, but he had no choice, so he used this time to prep-talk himself, that was until a voice from a man he had just surpassed stopped him, “Excuse me, um… what year are we in?”

How could you not know the current year? “What a foolish question, you should be out of this world to not know.” He turned around with his eyes close, “We are well in two-thousand and–” but as he opened his eyes, his words were cut off by the sight of a well-dressed man in multiple shades of blue.

The stranger’s eyes widened, “M-Miles?” he stuttered, and Edgeworth flinched at the use of his name, making him forget all about the suit, “H-How dare you call me by my first name?! It is highly inappropriate and unprofessional, especially from a stranger” the annoyance from his own situation with his mentor arose and he turned around to leave with a “Hmph!” as he was stopped again: “What do you mean ‘stranger’ Mi- Edgeworth? It’s me, Phoenix!”

He scanned his memory for that name, but only one person came to mind- and it definitely wasn’t them. They were part of his past and also the same age as Miles, so it was impossible.

The man shifted behind him, “Really Edgeworth? Does the name ‘Phoenix Wright’ not ring any bells?”

Wright?

His breath hitched.

With an expression full of surprise, he turned back to the man and stared: the spiky hair, the ocean-deep eyes… an attorney badge?!

No, it wasn’t the Wright, it couldn’t be.

He shook his head, “There is no logical way you are the Wright I’m thinking about-” a soft smile welcomed his confused gaze, “But I am- “ He fished for something in his pocket, “Here” and opened his hand to present it to him, Edgeworth accidentally gasped out loud: Signal blue, worn out and slightly faded.

“H-how?” he let out a shaky breath, clutching his arm with the one that wasn’t carrying his bag, “You are my same age- yet you look much more mature-” and hotter, “And what are you doing in a courthouse? Why do you have a defence pin- no” he stopped himself, “You are trying to fool me. You are not who you say you are”

A deep sigh came from the supposed Wright, “I know it’s hard to wrap your head around it- but it’s me, from the future”

His confusion disappeared in an instant, replaced with anger, “What nonsense are you spouting?!” He almost took his leave for the third time, “You want proof, Edgeworth?” his words stopped him once again, as Phoenix shoved his hands in his pocket again, “Then there is proof!” he fished out a device he had never seen before, he deduced it was a cellphone, but much more technological: it didn’t have a keypad and it lit up to show an image with various people in it, just for it to change. The man pressed the screen and there was a calendar which showed the same date but another year– so far away from the current one.

“See? This is almost twenty years ago for me, of course I look older, but it’s me” He placed a hand on his chest for emphasis, “Here- I’ll even show there is an older version of you!” he clicked the screen again and a cellphone contact with the name ‘Miles Edgeworth’ was there: the number was his.

He still couldn’t believe it, but the longer he stared at the man, the longer he could see Phoenix Wright, the kid with the biggest brightest smile he had ever seen, something in his chest was bubbling at the memories of his childhood friend.

“Edgeworth I know this is confusing and very sudden but– you need to help me find my Edgeworth” those words deepened that feeling, my Edgeworth…

“If I’m here with you, that probably means he’s with twenty years old me– you have your car already, yeah?” He stuttered out a reply, “Then please Edgeworth, help me find him” Phoenix grabbed both of his shoulders and stared at him with his glittery eyes.

His instinct was to say yes, but the fury of Von Karma about making him wait would be inevitable… but those eyes… his touch…he was so close…

“Yes…” he panted out, his breath missing from the closeness of his childhood crush, and the next second, he was being dragged down the hall: Phoenix was holding his hand.

His face lit up and the fire within him started to crackle louder: the man was well-toned, the blue suit was perfect for him- made for him, and that light blue vest… made him wild, it made his sculpted chest and thin waist even more obvious, the gold chain to his pocket and his shiny attorney badge complimented the look: Miles had to look away in shame for thinking such thoughts.

Without realizing it, Phoenix had dragged him all the way to the parking lot, like he was more than familiar with the courthouse layout… which he guess backed up his pin. “You already have the red sports car?” he looked at Edgeworth with a serious expression, which made him quiver a little, “Y-yes!”

He was dragged again until they arrived at the car, he managed to fish out his keys and unlock it, Wright stole them from his hand, his skin warm against his left a tingling sensation, “I need to drive, you don’t know where we’re heading. I know you don’t like that other people drive your car, sorry, but it’s an emergency” He flushed again as he entered the passenger seat, the question of how he knew such a thing was answered by the fact that Phoenix knew him in his… timeline? World? Either way, any type of complaint died in his tongue, too overwhelmed as the man started the car and Phoenix’s cologne filled the air: it was fresh and pleasant, it complimented his looks just as the suit did.

While they were speeding somewhere, the car was silent: mostly because Edgeworth was overwhelmed with... Phoenix, everything about him was too much to process.

How the little boy in his memory became this handsome man, why he was a defence attorney, how he came from the future… how the butterflies in his stomach hadn’t stopped since his name was brought up.

Yes, Miles had a bit of a childhood crush on Phoenix, but he had to stuff away his feelings since Von Karma had subtly introduced him to daughters of powerful friends of his multiple times, and had expressed how ‘He could choose between marrying a proper woman or dedicate his life to his job’.

But seeing a mature, sexy version of Phoenix had reawakened that old fire he thought he had extinguished.

The man driving fumbled with that device again and then placed it on his lap, the beeping made him realize he was calling someone.

“Phoenix? Are you alright?” a voice that sounded awfully like his own replied, Wright picked up the device, “Miles! I’m on my way!” So this was the older him! And they used their first names! This meant they were friends!

A wave of happiness washed over him knowing they reunited after all this time.

“On your way?! Phoenix how do you know where I am?!”, Wright turned left using only one hand to steer, which was… hot…

Edgeworth looked away and realized how much the sight had affected him… he could feel his pants become a little tighter... “I awoke at the courthouse, not too far away from twenty years old you, I presume you must be at Ivy university with twenty years old me”

“Yes…” They accelerated a little as the confirm came in, “I’m glad I caught him as he was leaving class… I swear I saw… Her… in the distance” Wright’s grip on the wheel tightened, his face winced like he was in pain: Who was… her?

“I should be there in five minutes or so, bring young me with you at the entrance: visitors aren’t allowed inside” an okay arrived from the device, “I’m… not wearing the sweater… am I?” The question was so weird Edgeworth snapped his head towards Wright in confusion, why what he was wearing matter?

A sight came from the other line, “No, fortunately you aren’t… I think you haven’t started da-” he stopped his older version of him on the phone, “Don’t Miles…” the man driving the car looked at him for a brief2 second, “You’re on speaker”.

A mortified “Oh” came from the other line, “I’ll see it for myself, bye” he placed the device on his lap again, not before a concerned, “Drive safe Phoenix” came as a goodbye.

Silence fell again, and it stayed that way for a while, Edgeworth was becoming restless, Phoenix could tell by how hards he was grabbing his arm, so he talked, “Say… you had your first trial already, yeah?” He winced at the memory of that man falling backwards, with blood spilling from his mouth… that girl smirking…

He shivered and nodded, a hand softly settled on his shoulder, “I’m sorry to bring back the bad memory, but I need to find out at what time both you and young me are living in right now” he nodded and dared a peek at Wright.

His brows were furrowed in concentration: he was thinking: “How do I ask this…” he mumbled, “Um.. Did you make it on the news?” The question threw him off, “Uh… Y-yes… an article about me was released not too long ago” Phoenix nodded, “Alright, so young me is aware of you”

A confused “Huh?” slipped past his lips. Phoenix shook his head, “Young me saw that article, that’s how…” he paused.

Wright had seen the article? A chill went down his spine… they didn’t talk too well about him on there… it mentioned all sorts of bad rumours. Did Phoenix hate him now?

“No, I can’t say more than this, you’ll see for yourself once we arrive”

It struck him that he was about to see Wright, well, the Wright he spent that blissful year of school with… his Wright.

“Hey… don’t overthink this, I can assure you everything will be fine” A comforting smile came from the man, Edgeworth nodded.

Now that he had seen older him, he couldn’t think how twenty-year-old Phoenix would look.

_______________

Phoenix parked and scrambled out of young Edgeworth’s car, the man was walking so fast he had no time to register where they were, thank god for the massive sign saying “Ivy university”. So this is where Phoenix ended up huh.

They approached the entrance by the big stairs, and once on top of them, there they were: The older version of himself reminded him too much of his father, the glasses were– as best as he could remember – the same model. He was wearing a long jacket a shade slightly different than his, the cravat was at its usual place and the black vest, he realized, matched with Phoenix’s, different colour, but it looked like the same model.

A smaller boy was standing almost behind him, gripping the sketchbook to his chest, a red scarf hid his reddened face: he was looking directly towards him. His stomach dropped: that was Wright.

“Phoenix!” His counterpart ran into adult Wright’s arm, embracing him for a few seconds before pulling away and cupping his cheeks, “Are you ok? Is everything all right?” the man with the spiky hair smiled, “Yes Miles I’m ok”.

After a sigh of relief, his old self looked right at him and scooted away from Phoenix, a little blush lit his cheeks. An awkward silence fell in the middle of the chaos of students leaving school.

“So… how do we go back?” Wright asked, adult him looked down in thoughts, “I’m not sure… but Maya shoved the magatama on me as soon as it started to lit up” He grabbed the side of his jacket and pulled a shaped rock out of it, “I presume we’ll have to use this… although you’re much handier with it than I am” He gave it to adult Wright and then looked back at him, he looked away: he looked so much like his father it hurt.

“M-miles…?” A broken voice called his first name, both Edgeworths looked at the young boy with the spiky hair. He was about to say how childish it was to call him by his first name, but his heart dropped as he realized: Phoenix was crying, subtly sobbing in the scarf, “Why didn’t you reply to my letters?” Edgeworth gripped his arm, “Why did you suddenly disappear?” he cringed, “Why are you a prosecutor?” he choked out the final question, Miles internally cursed von Karma and that damned earthquake.

“I..-” he attempted to reply, but Phoenix threw himself at him, making his briefcase drop: “I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!”  

The boy gripped him desperately, his first instinct was to shove him away, yell at him to stay back and disappear. Wright was part of his painful cursed past.

But the warmth of another body surrounding him… the closeness of his friend made him realized that he was the cause of his sadness: he had hurt Phoenix.

His brain screamed at him to free himself, but every inch of his body, touch-starved for years… and his instinct to protect him… they held his negative thoughts back from becoming true.

Adult Wright was holding that greenstone, absorbed in thoughts, but older him stared at his soul, smiling. Phoenix was a sobbing and shuttering mess, his suit was going to be ruined after this, but as if older Edgeworth read his mind, like this was a situation he’d been before, he whispered softly enough for only him to hear: “Don’t run, face it head-on”

After a few seconds of confusion, he almost physically recoiled as he realized what older him was saying: his suit getting stained, his pride being hurt, what von Karma taught him… they were all excuses to run away from an uncomfortable situation: this situation.

Face it head on… Phoenix’s feelings, all of the memories he reminded him of, the mistakes he had made, his hurtful past… He had to face them head-on.

But his feelings for Phoenix! The butterflies he got when a nine-year-old Phoenix smiled at him or grabbed his hand… the insecurity of preferring boys over girls that had started with the man in his arms-

Older him sighed and held out a hand in Wright’s direction, “Hm? Yes Mile- Hmf!” and grabbed older Phoenix’s tie, pulling him to… kiss him.

Miles’s eyes widened as he observed how Wright’s surprised expression melted into the kiss, his eyes closed and a hand crept up onto older Edgeworth for support: Edgeworth had told Wright his feelings, and he reciprocated them.

Every ounce of logic flew right out of the window and Miles hugged the still sobbing Phoenix tight, pushing him against his chest. He stiffened as a small gasp came out of the boy in his arms, he was just waiting for Phoenix to shove him away, to say that he hated him, to see his angry face… but Phoenix never moved away, actually, he whispered: “I missed you so so much…”

The gentle voice hit him straight in his heart, so he replied, “... I…  missed you too…” and closed his eye as tears threatened to spill out.

___________________

They broke the kiss before it became too heated, panting, Phoenix, after recovering, asked, “What was that fo-” but he was cut off again as Miles took his chin and turned it to their younger versions directions, hugged as both of them cried. His husband smiled at the sight.

Edgeworth remembered how Wright told him, (when pretty drunk once after Edgeworth’s trial, and again, after Phoenix had almost died due to the bridge) how when he saw the ‘Demon prosecutor’ article, all he wanted was to hug Miles and ask him what happened.

Of course, Edgeworth knew that even if they had met back at that time, his phobia of the past and his repressed feelings toward men and Phoenix (because yes, they were two separate things), wouldn’t have allowed it, ever. Especially with all of von Karma’s hate for romantic relationships with ‘normal people’ in general, planted in his head.

He never told Phoenix what he wished would have been impossible, it wouldn’t have been nice. But as soon as he saw twenty years old Phoenix threw himself at twenty years old him, he knew exactly what thoughts were going on in his head. Denying young Phoenix of the hug would have hurt both older and younger Wright… and of course, his younger self too.

So, he thought to himself, that a little encouragement and reassurance wasn’t going to hurt. In fact, it was all worth it when his husband flashed that big soft smile of his at the sight.

After he stopped staring at the two young adults, he turned towards Miles, “I’m pretty sure I know how to go back: all we need to do is hold the magatama in our hands and think to walk back to Kurain village” he whispered, Miles nodded, “Thank god I caught it when Maya threw it at me” he replied, earning another smile from Phoenix.

They waited another minute before their younger selves untangled out of the embrace: Miles guessed their habit of long hugs was something that had always been there from the start.

After wiping their tears aways, Phoenix spoke first, “Alright, we are ready to return in our year-” Miles placed a hand on his husband’s shoulder, “Before we go, I’d like to speak to my young self… privately” Young Edgeworth looked away while older Wright nodded, “Ok… just, don’t say anything… risky” Miles flashed a smirk, “I have no intention to”. With that said, he walked towards twenty years old Edgeworth, “May I have a word with you?”, young him stuttered out a yes, and followed him a bit away from the Wrights.

__________________

“von Karma is going to be furious when you show up late, so say confidently that you were stuck in traffic. Don’t say that there was an incident unless you run into one on your way back, he will probably check” Young him recoiled by how detailed the plan was, “O-ok…” he gripped his jacket, older him smiled, “Keep Phoenix close, no matter what the consequences” he placed both hands on young Miles shoulders, “You like him, don’t you?” After a pause and a cringy expression, he slowly nodded, “Don’t be ashamed of it, he won’t judge you. Phoenix will be there for you if you ever need anything” The wide-eyes stare he received made him smile, “You simply have to allow him in, and trust me: you’ll never regret it”

Edgeworth realized that his wedding ring was in full display, and maybe the news wouldn’t ease his younger self’s nerves, so he shoved his left hand in his pocket, and spoke right after to cover up the perhaps too rushed action, “At first, it may hurt to explain your situation to Phoenix, but it will only be at the start. Again: if you allow him in, he’ll only be of help and support. You just have to face him head-on”

Young Edgeworth was still a little confused, but as he took a quick glance behind his older self (probably to look at Wright) he nodded, “I… I’m scared…”

Of course he was, hell, he himself was scared when Phoenix came crashing into his life, shuttering everything he had built up until then.

“I know, your first instinct is to run, but unless you want to hurt him, it’s better that you explain your situation first thing first”

After letting young Miles elaborate a little more, they went back to the Wrights, and each Edgeworth took their rightful place next to them.

“Well, I guess it’s time we head back” Older Wright broke once again the silence, “I hope you too keep in touch from now on” they looked at their younger version look at each other and gaze away as a flush crept onto their cheeks, “T-thank you for bringing him to me… me” Young Phoenix bowed, as young Edgeworth’s blush deepened.

“Let’s go or we’ll worry Maya and Pearl” Miles waved at the two and grabbed Phoenix’s hand, leading him away. After they climbed down the stairs, they disappeared.

Wright and Edgeworth were left standing next to the other, “So… that really really just happened, huh…” the boy with the spiky hair huffed, turning to face his silver-haired friend: “So uhh… sorry for–” “I’m sorry Phoenix but I have to go, now” he cut him off, startling the boy, Miles dug into his briefcase and pulled out his business card, the one von Karma had him make before he even became officially a prosecutor, “We have a lot to catch up on but– there is a very inpatient person waiting for me and I’m already–” a soft hand crept on his shoulder, pulling him out of the small panic he had gotten into when he intterrupted the other boy, “I understand” Phoenix took the card and brought it to his chest, “I’ll text you and we can see each other with less rush” he smiled, and that made Miles relax, “Just- promise me something… “ a small hint of pain in his eyes made him look like a lost puppy, cute, “Please answer me this time”.

Edgeworth realized that not answering his letters might have hurt Phoenix more than he thought, but he nodded, “I will, I promise” and after a quiet goodbye, he rushed to his car, speeding carefully along the road.

von Karma, as his older self anticipated, bought the excuse, not after a little scolding, of course.

He was thankful that they were walking while talking, and he didn’t have to pay actual attention to the conversation, because Miles’s mind drifted off to how sexy Wright looked with that blue suit, and how cute Phoenix was with the red scarf.

Yes, the childhood friend was going to be a constant thought from now on, distracting him from his work, but as older him said: he wasn’t going to run away, he wanted Phoenix back into his life, and no von Karma or murder case was going to deny him that wish.

#writing #fanfiction #ace attorney #ace attorney fanfiction #miles edgeworth #phoenix wright #bratworth #feenie #fluff #wrightworth #narumitsu #wrightworth fanfiction #narumitsu fanfiction #phoenix x miles #phoenix x edgeworth #phoenix wright x miles edgeworth #bratworth x feenie

[parkersharthook]

Some Very Specific Hypotheticals

(Tom Holland x female!reader)

warnings: it’s thirst tweets so it’s slightly smutty and risque

1.5k+ words

a/n: so I got all of the thirsty tweets towards tom from jordan fisher’s video (x) and all of the thirsty tweets towards the reader from tana mongeau’s video (x). I did make up a few of my own lol but most of them come from those videos

Edit: I recognize tana is problematic and I only used her in one of the tweets bc I had originally gotten these thrist tweets from her video. I don’t actually watch/like her so I was unaware of her issues until recently when she came up in the news (I still don’t really know what the whole situation was tbh) anyways.... I changed tana mongeau to anna kendrick bc i have a crush on her lol

requested: Could you please write a Tom Holland x reader reading thirst tweets

“Hey guys I’m y/n/ y/l/n.”

“And I’m Tom Holland.”

“And today for some reason the two of us, who are in a couple, will be reading the other person’s thirst tweets to them.”

“it’s like some weird version of foreplay.”

“I’m excited.”

--

You sat in the chair, facing Tom. The two of you had matching blue jugs with little slips of paper full of what you assumed was raunchy girls, and probably guys, thirsting after the two of you.

“Which one of us is going first?” Tom asked as he fiddled with the bucket.

“Oh definitely me.” You pulled out a slip and smoothed it out, “it says in all caps by the way, ‘DAMN DADDY U SEXY CAN I EAT UR ASS?!?! LICK YA BUTT??!!?!” You barely got the full tweet out before you were laughing.

Tom had already turned a shade of pink and was rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. He stuttered slightly, “wow what a way to start this whole thing. Okay, my turn.” He pulled out the next slip, “y/n y/l/n is literally the most beautiful human ever. Goodbye.”

“aww wait that was so sweet. Thank you.”

“Why was mine about eating my ass and yours was saying you were the most beautiful person ever?”

You laughed slightly and shrugged, “look, everyone is just speaking their truth. My turn!” You happily grabbed the next piece of paper, “haha it’s literally just a screenshot of your age with the words ‘thank god’. If that is not the biggest mood ever…”

Tom laughed heavily. ���yeah I had someone tweet me saying ‘I saw a lot of people looking up Tom Holland’s age during the movie.’ Guess it’s a recurring theme.” He fingered through the bucket before grabbing a crumpled sheet, “I want y/n y/l/n to murder my bussy.”

You threw your head back in laughter, “I get that one a lot actually. A classic, really.”

Tom looked around sheepishly, blushing hard. “what’s a bussy?”

You snickered slightly, “it’s a butthole tom. You need to educate yourself. Next one! I love how everyone in the world can agree that tom Holland is hot af and daddy material, even the lesbians.”

“okay that one is definitely the forerunner, that’s a good one.”

You looked back down at the paper with a smile, “that is a good one.”

“’Repeat after me: y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny’. And it says that like 16 more times.” Tom shrugged slightly, “I mean… I can’t exactly disagree.”

“Tom!” You cried slightly exasperated as you blushed. “I’m moving on now… ‘Tom Holland’s lil ass is hella fine’.”

“What? My ass is not little.”

You laughed, “relax they said it was and I quote ‘hella fine’. That’s a compliment.”

Tom grumbled slightly as he grabbed the next tweet, “I want to have a threesome with y/n y/l/n. but no tom Holland. It’s just her, me, and a blunt.” He threw the paper down with a little angry frown, “so first they call my ass little and then they steal you for a threesome? Rude.”

You bit your lip with a small chuckle, “if it makes you feel better, it’s not really a threesome thinking that one member is literally a blunt.”

“can we move on before I get jealous?”

“of a random twitter user and weed? Yeah okay sweetie.” You rolled your eyes heavily, eyeing the paper. Tom watched as your eyes grew wide and then a shit eating grin cracked your lips.

“oh… what is it?”

“this tweet is very specific.” You smiled as you met his eye and began reading it, “look how fine this man is i want him to fuck me on a bed of money and finger me with a $100 bill wrapped around his fingers and then stuff ten thousand $100 bills inside me so he can call me his million dollar pussy.”

“oh… my… god.” Tom said slowly, a deep blush rising on his cheeks. “that- that one was a lot to take in.”

You waved the paper in the yes, “yes. Just… yes. This one cleared my skin, watered my crops. Amazing, perfect.”

“shut up, you’re so annoying sometimes.” He stated as he rolled his eyes.

You poked your tongue out at him teasingly, “you love me.”

“unfortunately.” You scoffed as Tom leaned over and patted your knee lovingly. “you know I’m kidding baby.”

“whatever just read the next damn tweet.”

Tom laughed and pulled out the next one, “I would pay any amount of money for y/n y/l/n to spit in my face and call me an ugly fucking bitch. It would be my honor.”

Your mouth fell open in shock as you looked between Tom, your friends behind the camera, and the crew. Well, that threw you for a loop.

“I- I… don’t know what to say to that. I don’t think I’m comfortable spitting in your face, that seems mean. But… I’m not here to kink shame so thank you I guess.”

There were a few snorts behind the camera as you picked the next one, “Tom Holland is both cute and sexy at the time and it’s really messing with my sanity.”

Tom smirked at the camera and flipped his collar, “I mean what can I say?”

“it’s a point of contention in our household for sure.”

“That I’m sexy and cute?”

You shook your head, “no, that you think your sexy and cute. It’s cocky and rude.”

Tom laughed, “it’s cocky and rude to be confident?”

You turned to the camera, “see? Point of contention.”

“I just think that you’re losing your sanity over my cuteness and sexiness.”

You shrugged obnoxiously, “oh you caught me.” You pointed to his bucket, “please keep going.”

“Okay but imagine: a y/n y/l/n Anna Kendrick sex scene. I mean the power and sexuality they hold is absurd.”

You slapped your hand on your knee, “I love Anna. She’s so funny and I would love to do a sex scene with her or just sex her really.”

“seriously?” tom said exasperated, “you’re sitting here in front of your boyfriend and you’re saying that you want to have sex with someone else?”

You nodded, “yes.”

“dude.”

“relax, it’s not actually going to happen, it’s just hypothetical.”

“you wound me.”

“here, let me boost your ego with a thirst tweet. Tom Holland is fine as hell, I’d eat that ass like a chocolate croissant, chomp chomp bitch. He could choke and kill me and I’d only ask for more. Lemme chomp chomp on that bussy please.”

“wow… I’m not sure that cheered me up exactly but thank you none the less.” He pulled a new slip, “At least 3 times a week me and my boyfriend talk about wanting to have a threesome with y/n y/l/n.”

“wow…”

“why is everyone trying to have sex with my girlfriend?”

“because I’m hot as fuck.”

“can’t argue with that.”

“Alright next one, Tom Holland with that half smile and lip bite fuuuuuckk nope nope nope.”

“okay, that one made me feel better.” Tom said with a little smirk causing you to roll your eyes and laugh.

Tom grabbed the next one, “y/n y/l/n has the best boobs. That’s it that’s the tweet.” He waved the paper a bit, “I happen to agree with you.”

“well thank you for thinking my boobs are great.” You plucked out a new tweet, “Daily reminder: tom Holland is daddy af.”

“I should set an alarm for myself that goes off at the same time every day that just blares ‘Tom Holland is daddy af’.”

“absolutely not. Veto. Nix. Not happening.”

“you’re just mad they think I’m daddy.” You gestured to the bucket, causing tom to roll his eyes and reach into it. “y/n y/l/n can choke me and run me over and I’d say thank you and sorry for the dent in your car.”

You let out a loud bark of laughter, “that’s super funny. Definitely the funniest one I’ve heard so far. Whoever wrote this, you’re funny and I appreciate your comical genius.”

“alright I think we have like one more each, let’s do this.”

“Tom Holland is either a smol puppy or a sex god, there is no in between.” You shook your head, “I actually think there is an in between. It’s called boyfriend Tom. It’s when he’s all cuddly but not quite as baby as smol puppy. Like he’s still a functioning adult but he’s being sweet.”

“ya know… sometimes you can be pretty sweet.”

“aww thanks babe.” You leaned forward to give him a little peck before smiling brightly, “last one! Make me blush!”

“Hey @y/n can I lick your forehead?” you two sat in silence for a moment before tom furrowed his brow, “is that like a sexual thing?”

“I guess…? That’s a new request though, I’ve never heard that one. Interesting.”

“what’s your answer?”

“huh?”

“can you lick their forehead?”

“I’m going to go with no…”

“and that’s the end of our really fun and definitely not at all awkward video!” tom said excitedly

“thanks for watching everyone! We love you and thanks for tweeting thirsty stuff!”

#marvel #spiderman #spiderman homecoming #spiderman far from home #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader fanfiction #tom holland x reader imagine #marvel cast #marvel cast fanfiction #marvel cast imagine #spiderman cast #spiderman imagine #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagine #emma writes

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

The Ending of The Everlasting Sun.

Soukoku angst: will have 2 parts, one is Chuuya pov another is Dazai pov (Dazai is part 1 aka this piece. I'll start chuuya's tomorrow)

I’ll do a version for Dazai after (not pov but version so Chuuya can have the dose of Dazai’s pain T_T).

Warnings: Death, gore, violence, angst with just more angst. (idk if i consider dazai ooc but towards the end is mostly how i feel the situation would happen, so kinda ooc)

TBH, I don't know why I wrote this but hey I love feeding peeps and myself angst so, here you go.

The Ending of The Everlasting Sun. | A Soukoku Angst one-shot |

words: 4264

Dazai’s pov- (it swaps between third and first. I know my writing style is weird af)

The sun, a forever gleaming light in life. They say even in death, the sun won’t fade from your view. For light, something that brings reason to a life so pitched in black is everlasting. There is a place that resides within a person the sun that will never leave. Like the memories that one left behind shall forever hold. Memories will not fade, even as the deceased are placed within mounds of dirt, their body left to neatly decompose.

They say it is natural to feel your heart so heavy. To feel so pained when death washes over. Death can change a human, they say, death is rebirth, something shall always come from it. In some ways, Dazai knew the truth of such words. For he’s experienced the death of his light. At least he had thought the brunette, who’d stuck by his suicidal tendencies, his cruel ways, he thought that man had been the light. He had changed, he’d moved on into the light of this world. His heart may still be shadowed in the darkness the mafia left. The memories of those he left may never leave, but he was in the light. He was the light for another now. Still, dark himself, he’d help lead his news pupil to the light. He repeated this so often, yet why, why did his mind travel back to those days, the days when he was alongside that small ginger boy? The boy with anger issues could be heard a mile away, was he important? Why must he feel as if he left behind something important when he’d listened to a friend's dying wish? Surely he was better off now? He felt better, life wasn’t as black or as unlit as it had once been. So why? Why was it always that ginger that popped into his head on those restless nights? He worried so much if he was okay. If he was out there using that uncontrollable side without him. Ever since he left, he’d worried that ginger would do something as stupid as that. So maybe, just maybe, this world had blessed him with two lights. A light to change, that light had left him to save him. Then the second light, the light that showed him he could love and be loved. This world could take both lights to make such a realization, and eventually, this world, so cruel and dark would. Not by fate, but by the hand of an enemy who sought out Dazai’s weakness.

I stood beneath pelting rain, my mind held within it one thought, where was he? Never had the small boy I'd fallen for in my early teens missed a chance to torment me as I had tormented him. Never had he let the phone, to which we still held each other's numbers unblocked, reach the full number of rings before the voicemail kicked in. I had never felt this before. Nor had I the courage to admit such a thing. For feelings were only a danger to men like myself. I am undoubtedly cruel. Even now, in my early twenties, I stand beneath the rain alone. The mistakes of my past hanging over me for somebody to eventually discover. The past profession I had tried to hide and had hidden well for many years was creeping to my heels. The man whom I'd sought help from was gone, his final words my reason to be in the light. If neither side means anything, he told me to help the defenseless, to help the orphans. That is what I did. I left behind the ginger-haired boy whom, I now say with hesitance, I loved. It is a fine point that I was able to decline such things until after I left the mafia, for otherwise, I may have tried to do good whilst in the mafia, so I could stay with my final light within my life. Many have shed their light on me. The orphan I took in has shocked me many times, reading me in a way I thought only Oda, my extinguished light, could. He knew I was mourning that past friend when he found me at his grave. He continues to shock me to this day, the only one who can occasionally see past the mask I've worn since I was 14, since Mori found me. Kunikida has taught me responsibility and morals. There is still a bottle of things I shall never change. Some people can’t change. My mind prevents me from collecting such information about being human. My ability says it all, does it not? It is a perfect description of myself. The intelligence I share with Dostoevsky is merely one of the many things that keep me behind the wall of change. I may do things for another reason, but I am still a shadow over the people around me. I curse them all, I have brought heavy burdens onto the agency, I harm all of those around me. Love is a feeling I'm incapable of. At least, I can not recognize true love, only conclude that is what this pain is. It is a pain like no other, it is not physical, but no sense of being can push away the tangent throb of every beat. It is my mind, and the way I was brought up so young, that initially warped me beyond repair. That is why I am here, running in the rain despite my coworkers protesting to stop me.

Dazai understood the trap he was headed for, but he knew the trap would result in a fatality either way. If it was his death that waited for him, then he was alright with that. If it was painless, and he died a quick death before his mouth could run to say final bidding words to Chuuya, then he’d die. If this taunt was to break him, if he were to be late, he would drop to his knees and beg his old friend, who lay watching over him, to be forgiven for his actions tonight. If some awful being really did oversee this world, let it give Dazai one moment of peace. Let him have one good light stay until he is gone. He couldn’t do it again, the pain of holding a bloodied body within his arms, it would be hell. He knew not of true mourning, the pain of losing the one, who in a storybook, could be considered a soulmate. He knew it, others knew it, so many people knew the way he stared at Chuuya was not a friendly matter. There was lust within his soft chocolate hues, a hidden cave behind closed doors. Secret thoughts hidden in his mind. The things he wished he could have done before he left, the way he wanted to fix things, to regain what he had lost by leaving the mafia.

With every soft patter, Dazai flew between streets and yards. With every step, he grew closer and closer. With every new step, he felt his heart sink. For the area around was brittle and frail. The ground was crushed and indented. Some buildings lay in tattered pieces. Holes the size of beds lay stretched in the buildings and grass. The worst began to form in his head as his legs picked up into a pace he thought he could never take into. His lungs burned with the inhaled drips of water that turned to flames within his lungs. He pushed past the pain, the burn, the tired flail of limbs. His legs grew numb, but he refused to stop until his arms were flying open doors to a building that looked so horribly damaged.

As if I were the show that night, I could remember the lights. My lungs felt like fire, and my legs were ready to buckle beneath my frail body. I had not eaten a proper meal for weeks, my pockets empty from money spent to cover the scars I had littered my body with. The night is a haze within my mind. An unwilling nightmare I wish to set aside and to never look at again. A night I wish could be rewritten. It was a night that even I had thought the same way as Destoveski. My mind was no longer set right, that side of me to which was feared, had ripped from its confines and torn through to confine me to my own mind. I had truly wanted to tear a sheet from the book spoken about so much in this little town of Yokohama. If it meant my lights could come back and this world could change, then I would, I would do it without a blink. I’d make myself the villain to free my light. I would do it for the right reasons. Yet, I could never ruin the lights of others. There would be too many sacrifices to do such a thing at that moment. To this day, I curse myself for thinking like that man, thinking about such things would make me like him. Dostoevsky was no man I wanted to be.

The light pulsed for a moment before illuminating the room in a sharp glow of white. Dazai stood blinded before the room came into focus, the empty space warm in comparison to the pelting rain. For a moment, the world had paused, allowing his mind to make a sharp halt and think. Though his thoughts were not something he wished to hear. The thoughts inside his head screamed an equal verse to the night he’d lost Oda. He had no more time to pause, as soon as he’d adjusted to the blaring lights, he was scanning the room, finding the spots of blood, the corpses littered on the ground. Then, he was running against his will again. The next thing he knew, he was diving forward too quickly brush against the ginger, who’d consumed his thoughts since they reunited all that time ago.

The first thoughts I had when I felt the cloth of his jacket, the same one I had sown hat-rack into when we were 15, were thoughts of panic. I was always the type of man who wore a mask, but that mask only masked my depression. I yearned for death, I lived to be human, and that feeling you have right as you fall victim to death may be my only chance at life. My co-workers were never worried about me. At first, I had shocked them. I remember the way Kunikida halted with his trust, how on my first job he watched me with a hawk's eye. Never once did I not feel the burning gaze of his judgment. I never blamed him, I was a man with an erased past. There was nothing to tell whether I was good or evil. The day I entered the agency, I would have said I was that darker gray that wisps on the side of black. Today, I would tell you I wanted to be the light, to be good, but I am far from it. It shall always be my nature to look up into another and dive within their soul. My hands are skilled in ways of torture. I could shoot down an enemy with my eyes closed. These pieces of me still exist, even though I had locked them to the confine of my mind, a faraway nightmare that haunted me. The faces of the victims who plead because they had family, haunt me. It’s not remorse I feel, it’s a haunting reminder that I shall never see that friend again. When I die, I shall not meet him in the afterlife, if there is one at all. I like to believe that one can look up and think there is such a place. These thoughts, wishes, all suddenly reappeared the moment his body fell to the floor. Yet, even coated in his own blood, his breathing so unsteady I feared he was only a few breaths from death, he remained beautiful. How could I, a genius strategist with an inhumane IQ, let this happen? Why had I not called him, this ginger, ocean-eyed slug? Chuuya, he’d always be those names to me. I still wonder why we call each other such things, but it makes us both feel alive. With him, I could act like a child, as I never had a true chance to be a child. Even now, if I could muster up the courage as I write, I'd twist the narrative so it looked as if I did not care. If I did that, I would dishonor the words we had shared that night.

Dazai rushed over the pavement to grab hold of Chuuya. His hands sliding over the boy's body to pull him over his lap. His eyes are a sea of worry and panic. One of his hands grabbed the boy’s wrist lightly, his pulse was so slow, his eyes were already slowly dropping, but Dazai stayed confident. “Hey Chibi, you’re an idiot.”

The frail form of the boy beneath him cracked a small smile. “You’re the idiot you- his body racked itself with a spurt of coughs, his lips dripping crimson to join the stains on his perfectly pale skin.- d-damn mackerel.”

Dazai dropped the boy's wrist with a chuckle, pressing his hand to the boy's lips. “Yeah, I know Chibi, I know. - The ginger's eyes began to flutter shut.- No Chibi, your eyes have to stay open. Look, I've got people coming to fix you up. So just try to keep yourself awake.” Dazai’s hand moved to cup the other's cheek. “You’ll be okay.”

Chuuya’s breath staggered a wheeze interrupting the shallow breaths he’d been going through. “I’m dying, aren't I?”

Dazai shook his head, feeling his chest sting with the familiar pain of grief. As if somebody took a microscope over the feeling, it continued to grow. By now, he was sure the pain exceeded the total amount of grief he’d gone through with Oda’s passing. “No Chibi, you’re not… you're not dying.” He paused in that sentence looking down at Chuuya, who laughed dryly.

“So fucking optimistic.” They sat in silence, and Chuuya's eyes fixed on Dazai. Though it was unnoticed by Dazai, his clouded tired eyes were on his lips. He was taking into memory the parts of wishes he’d never get. Every passing second, Chuuya felt his eyes threaten to drip shut. He was trying to listen to Dazai, but his eyes were bricks; sleep a melody that sang to him. With the fear of never waking up again, Chuuya lifted his hand from his side to reach Dazai’s cheek, his blood leaving a mark. “Hey, Dazai.” His voice lacked anything but sincerity.

“No Chuuya. No, you’re okay! Just a few more minutes and Yosano will be here! Fuck, just stop moving, keep your eyes open, keep breathing because you’re alright.” Chuuya had never seen Dazai act like this before. So as Dazai’s hand warmly wrapped around his, his head pressing into the cold touch of Chuuya’s, words were spoken.

“Dazai, I. Never. H-hated… you. I. lov-” before those words could finish, his body was shaking. Tears were forming, he was still conscious and very much alive, but his entire system of organs and cells were rejecting him. The use of corruption had been at its limit long before Dazai had touched him. Before his ability had been canceled out, he was beyond death. The way he coughed his hands, flailing out to grab Dazai’s shirt and press their bodies together, made even Dazai emotional. Dazai managed to still the boy's movements. His eyes half-open as he tried to hold onto whatever string was left. “Lo-” this time he was cut off by Dazai’s hand. His head shaking, hearing Chuuya speak would make this far too real.

He wasn’t ready to let him go. For the first time, he wanted to be far from death, far from the pain and suffering of humankind. So as Chuuya smiled and looked to the ceiling, his hand continued to stroke Dazai’s cheek. A reminder he was still alive.

That moment ended all too quickly when Chuuya took a final staggered breath and looked to Dazai. “Loved you.” He finished his sentence before his eyes dropped shut. His hand slipped into a limp state within Dazai’s hold.

It took the brunette no time to jump to compressions. He continuously screamed. A voice that had never once mourned, or shed a tear, now sat in a contorted expression between agony and doubt. His mind was static, for the first time nothing clear could form within his head. He shrieked out for Chuuya. Open your eyes, he had chanted and begged before he no longer had the strength to continue. He simply fell on top of Chuuya, his ear to his chest praying to hear a soft thud. Three minutes passed before his body, devoid of any, and everything was yanked away. Had he been shown a mirror, one would not have recognized Dazai. His clothes were bloodied, his hair disheveled and wet from the rain he’d run in only a handful of minutes ago.

Dazai sat numbly as his co-workers looked around trying to find if there was any danger left. When the scene was clear and Yosano made the final statement, the world truly crumbled. Still, despite having started CPR and rescue breaths, despite having felt the cooling touch of his skin, Dazai had held onto the hope that Yosano would fix this. He watched as she put on a work face. Her heels clicked across the ground as she walked over to Dazai with a doctor's approach, not a friend's approach. She bent before Dazai and began to speak. “Dazai, I need you to focus your eyes on me, alright?” Dazai could read her mind like an open book. His mind, in his numb state, had returned to his 17-year-old self. Devoid of any real feeling, bent on causing pain and suffering. He tilted his head like that child-self would in this situation. For once, he genuinely felt human. “I understand you were close to Nakahara-san. You were also here at the scene. It’s with much regret-” before she could finish, Dazai’s eyes grew cold and clouded, his lips a snarl as he shoved her.

“He’s okay! Chuuya is okay, he’ll wake up! He always does, even when I have to change things in a second advance because I fucked up. He's okay! We’re soukoku, double black. We can’t be put down. We’re partners, we need each other." even Yosano froze at the sudden outburst. The way Dazai cried without realizing the tears were falling. The way he tried to look happy as if he hadn’t watched Chuuya die within his arms. “Right… he’s okay right?” Dazai hardly knew what he was saying, his head foggy, his mind trying to stay collected.

If one could compare him to anything, one would say that moment he'd looked like a child, no older than fourteen, who’d watched a death before their eyes. Yosano collected herself before shaking her head. She decided to take the approach she’d have with a child instead of an adult. For in this moment, Dazai was experiencing what one could call his first-ever truly emotional loss. This was the first time his mind was catching up with him. “Dazai, Chuuya cared very much for you. You know that right?”

Dazai seemed to calm slightly at the thought as he focused on Yosano. “Yeah, he loved me… he said he loved me.” Suddenly, the situation became worse than she’d thought.

“Mhm, and you loved him too?” Dazai took his time to slowly nod before gulping and shrinking down.

“And now… he’s not coming home. No more loud, annoying comments. No more nights at the bar…” Dazai’s voice choked before the sounds of more footsteps followed in.

A high-pitched female voice screamed in a shrieking roar. “Where is he!” Dazai knew that voice. Kouyo, his Ane-san. At least, at one point she’d been his Ane-san. But his eyes stopped looking at Yosano and instead took a glimpse at Chuuya, whose corpse still lay there.

Once more, Dazai’s emotions took control, and he placed his hands over his eyes and shut himself away. Yosano swore under her breath and stood up. “Which one is he?” Yosano stood up rather angrily. She disliked her conversations being so rudely interrupted, even if it were somebody she had a small connection with.

“Chuuya…” the red-haired female stormed over before spotting Dazai first. His body cradled in like a child. A position she’d never seen him in. Her heart could only lurch to the worst. Hesitantly, she looked off to the side and saw it. The bloodied corpse. She spent no more time looking, she couldn’t.

She shoved Yosano away from Dazai, a boy she had once helped to look after and almost raise. Though she resented the boy for abandoning his role as an executive, she knew how much the pair had been connected. So she’d be a mother or older sister for a bit. Something Dazai had never seemed to have. “Dazai, it’s Kouyo, can you look at me? I just wanna make sure you’re alright.”

Dazai peeked from his arms, sniffing in his delirious state as he lunged towards her. Not in a hostile way, but an embrace. Something he never thought he’d need. He felt so human, so alive, but at the same time, he felt so dead inside. He felt as if his life had been torn and replaced within seconds. This feeling he couldn’t place a name on. “I was too late… I couldn’t, and now he’s and I… it’s all my-'' Kouyo was quick to shut him down, muffling her own sobs as she rocked Dazai in her arms.

“Hush child, these things happen. The fault is never that you could not make it in time. The fault lies within the bastard who did this. He always took extremes to protect you, Dazai. So hush now, let yourself grieve.” There was a slight pause as the agency starred in shock. This woman, who most of them knew as a vengeful woman with no remorse, sat cradling a grown man from an opposing organization as if he were her child, no more like an older sister cradling a younger brother. “Dazai, I won’t criticize your reaction, I've seen it many times in the mafia. Little children who witness death at such a young age think they are immune to it. They find another blame or they say they are monsters. You were 14 when Mori took you in. You never had somebody to teach you to grieve. You never needed to, not until now. So listen to me child, you’re going to let it all out, the years of pain and suffering, the years of grief for lost friends, even I have cried in my life. Nobody is immune to pain, some of us just think we are.” As Kouyo spoke, she noted Dazai’s breathing reached a slowing point. He was fast asleep before she finished her words. Her touch was gentle as she brushed a lock of his hair behind his ears.

Next, she walked over to Chuuya and hung her head, murmuring words of mourning. She walked off quickly, but came back moments later with his hat. “He’d want somebody to have it.” Yosano stood beside Kouyo, who choked back her own tears.

“I think it should go to Dazai. He always mocked his hats, even though he loved seeing Chuuya in them. They really were meant for each other. It’s unfortunate such a great pair ended up… in a life like this. Perhaps they will be reborn in an era where they are nothing but students who fall in love. I like to think there is always a second chance for lives that end too short.”

With a nod, they both looked to Dazai, who looked at peace sleeping on the ground.

~

When I woke up that day after, I could hardly remember anything. I had lost myself completely to the side that was human. I truly did try to live on, but it was difficult. No matter where I looked, I could see his laugh, I hated it. The pain that constantly wrapped around me. Hence, why I sit here with a pen. I never took myself to write my thoughts down. Oda had once ruminated about being a reader, he died before he ever could. I miss them both. I say that, but when I look down at the tear-stained paper, so many of them were for Chuuya. A love I never got to kiss or truly love. Today, I will not wake up. I no longer care about things like making my death overly complex and comfortable. I shall go to sleep with Chuuya’s hat at my side. I shall die with him at my side. That is how it should have been. Chuuya should have lived that night. I shall never know what sparked him to use corruption without me there. All I know is the worst person in the world, Destovesky, who now lay in a ditch from my own pistol, threatened the ginger to such an extent he felt the need to use it. In a way, I have solved several problems with one action. I killed the criminal, and I'm killing the single person whose blood runs more mafia black than any other.

Tag list If you want to be added when I upload fics/HC etc., just shoot me an ask: @jadegreenimmortality

#bsd #bsd angst #bsd soukoku #bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs angst #bungo stray dogs soukoku #soukoku #soukoku angst #chuuya x dazai #chuuya x dazai angst #dazai x chuuya #dazai x chuuya angst #dazai angst #chuuya angst #angst without a happy ending #bsd oneshot #soukoku oneshot #shoukoku angst oneshot #dazai x chuya #dazai x chuya angst #chuya x dazai #chuya x dazai angst #angst soukoku #chuya angst

[blonde-toddy]

Random and Not So Random thoughts while watching Bridgerton: Season 1, Episode 8

So the finale is here.

And baby do we need some resolutions.

This one is titled "After the Rain"

I hope that's a good thing.

Couples montage then lonely Violet. She was blissfully in love with her husband, that's for sure. 8 facking kids worth.

Yes Simon and Daphne are a love match....but they are ripping my heart out right now.

Why are they being so cold?!?!

Way to reference the ruse Daphne. Ugh.

I'm glad that King Granville is here.

Yes push those assholes together.

That shoulder touch. See, irresistible. They are all about each other.

The very picture of devotion, indeed.

Benny and Eloise!!!!

She's wearimg that ugly neck thing again.

No Benny, she thinks Delacroix is Whistledown.

What?!?! Francesca is coming back.

Oh Marina you still pregnant.

Now you shipping Penelope and Colin. That's not weird or anything seeing as you were ready to trap his ass.

Something is amiss!

For Violet to be so wise with her sons, she's awfully thick when it comes to Daphne. I just don't understand.

Daphne is done done done with Violets advice.

I ain't mad at her.

Aww Portia is trying to finesse her way back in. Violet can't stand her.....

Okay Daphne! Let's just hand out all kinds of forgiveness today.

Oh shit. Sir Crane!

Daphne and Portia are GONE!

Ooooh her beloved is dead dead dead.

Yeah girllllllll. All that time you thought he abandoned you. And he was at war.....shit.

What a pill.

I'm glad Daphne has some kind of friend.

Daphne and Marinas storylines are kind of bizarrely parallel.

Jesus Eloise, wtf!

Awww she's trying to save her friend.

I don't think Delacroix is Whistledown.

Oh this is so uncomfortable.....Benny on the low shit.

That shoulder shrug was cute.

"Lock. The door "

Where you going Daphne....what you doing?

Your Graces.

Awww Daphne is still trying.

Damn Simon if she deserves it, step up and give it to her.

Will and Alice ❤

Aw shit Will took Featheringtons bait.

This can't be good.

The deed to the crib?!

This man is out of his mf mind.

Stop it with Anthony and Sienna already!

Simon knows Will is up to something..........

Oh shit he's still there.

Marina you better marry him.

You a damn fool.

Good luck.....you're missing tf out I think.

Right, Portia, right.

Oh she definitely still pregnant.

What are you looking for Daphne?

Ooooh she found the letters he wrote to his father.

And she's reading the mfs.

Oh man.

Yeah girl. It's fucking awful.

Here we go again with hoe ass Anthony.

Under the bleachers. Okay you freaks.

And Will throws the fight.

Featherington is so full of shit and those bookies know he played them. That is going to go horribly. I guaranfuckingtee it.

Simon knows whats up....but he's in no position to judge ANYBODY right now.

Daphne getting serious insight.

I appreciate the relationship between Daphne and Lady Danbury.

She needs someone to be straight with her.

She's giving that mother-in-law type advice and I love it.

You really out here judging him Simon.

Will fucked up but he's still right! Worry about your wife and your life! What's this really about?!

Oh Portia...don't get too excited.

That shits coming back around.

Breakfast together. Is this progress?

Daphne has a peace about her.

She ain't giving up on her man.

To Bridgerton House they go to see Dear Francesca.

Simon is so charming. He is duplicitous af!

Suddenly everyone is just cool with everything. Okay.

Must be the edibles.

Yes girl, look at your hot husband. He is impressive.

Um. Eloise. I think you're wrong boo.

Everybody doesn't have the advantages you have homie! I'm glad Penelope checks her when she gets on that high horse.

Simon with the kiddos just laying it on thick for my girl Daph. Teasing the fuck out of her.

Even Anthony looks all proud and shit.

Delacroix still finds away to shade Portia and it's hilarious.

He lost her mf dowry.

Yes Marina. The bun is still in the oven.

Hastings house is lavish af!

Gawd that picture.

This is not the end. No. No. No.

I share in the doctors exasperation.

Idk what the fuck has happened to Anthony to turn him on his head like this.

Ok mf! You know what, take Sienna to the ball.

Finally giving her the love she deserves from you.

Oh look at these assholes looking at themselves.

"You wound me."

She's light roasting him again and it's lovely.

Come on my babies. Get it together. Y'all are precious.

Also if I ever marry, I want a regal ass portrait like that.

She wants to dance with her man. Same, girl. I want to, and I want you to, too.

Oh we have classic bantering Simon and Daphne.

Come. On. Already.

Fix it.

Fuck....the way they look at each other.

Welp. Party time.

Noooo not one LAST dance.

Ok Will flexed for his baby.

Simon still looking all judgy. Man you better get your own house in order.

Eloise is a living doll, but she's not here for the fellas just yet....or maybe ladies. Or maybe nothing at all. We'll see with her. Just not yet.

I appreciate the evolution of her and Daphnes relationship.

Aww Mr. Finch.

Portia flexing. "The Duchess extended an invitation, personally." She made sure they knew how connected she was.

They're still roasting her wack ass husband though. But fuck him.

Yep he's fucked.

Wtf does Benny do at these balls?

Awe Colin and Penelope.

Penelope bout to confess.

Well Colin killed that. Like dead in the water.

Ya boy is going to Greece.

Sorry Pen. The confession must wait.

Shes devastated. Hell nah she ain't dancing.

Oh Eloise...now is not the time.

Eloise got all that tea!!!!

Hold up this footman looks cheeky. More of him maybe.

Anthony bout to scoop his lady......SIKE.

Sienna pitting an end to this shit.

Anthony you've let her down one too many times.

And Sienna apparently has no desire to put on airs.

Are you sorry though?

And wtf do you do now?

Toss the flowers. Check.

Aww she saved Whistledown.

What a peach.

Come on assholes. Look at y'all looking at each other.

And he still plans on leaving.

Lady Danbury out here dropping wisdom. Listen, Simon, listen!

I honestly do think it's different for them. I think it's different for everyone.

Oh Daphne, Violet is dropping hot ones this time.

What a fucking pep talk.

And now they dance!!!!!

Its that slo-mo smoldering stare for me.

More rain?!

Daphne letting that shit wash her worries away. Go girl.

I mean y'all are cute but this is Daphne and Simons moment.

Cheers to the cane of Lady Danbury.

Danbury put everyone out. Her matchmaking and scheming never end.

At least Simon stayed in the rain with her.

Look at them.....

She told him bout the letters!!!!

Idk man. This love confession is on par with "I burn for you."

She wants to stay with you and love you every day. Man you have a rider. Y'all have dragged each other through the shits. Y'all need this rain.

But there's this lovely thing called a choice.

You really just gonna let her walk away this time and NOT follow her?!

Fucking hell.

Meanwhile at Featherington house.

Oh fuck.

Lord Featherington is dead. I knew that shit was going to blow up.

Fuck. Poor Portia.

Daphne just chilling.

Oh. Ok. Here comes the Duke.

Oh come on Simon. Yes you do. You know EXACTLY what to do.

Nothing else matters when y'all tangled up in them sheets.

They are just so tender!

Yes! Take it to the bed.

Daphne kissing on Simons neck and wanting to give him pleasure and affection >>>>>>>>

A million times over. Its fucking hot. Look at her honing her skillset.

Ride the mf girl!

Ok then! Flip that ass!!!

Out here long stroking the fuck out of her. Got dang.

Oh now you bout to hit that ecstacy.

Is a "congratulations" or "good job" in order?

These beautiful assholes!!!!

I just love them.

All this build up for Simon to ejaculate inside Daphne....but so worth it.

Awww poor Penelope.....

Eloise is convinced Whistledown is Delacroix.

I do love Portia.

Her and Marina grew to an understanding I think.

Marina girl, I think you're making a wise choice marrying your baby daddys brother. Just saying.

Who tf inheriting the Featherington Estate? And have we met them?

Hyacinth is forever in my heart.

Simon and Daphne got that glowwwwww.

Awwe Anthony is all broken up over Sienna.

Ahh yes Anthony, a loving union is the problem. I'm ready for your drama Hoe.

Aha! I knew Delacroix wasn't Whistledown.

Ooooh Eloise!

And you saved her ass.

Really?!?! Pen?!

I can see it a bit.

Aww Daphne is having a baby!!! She got her wish!!!

Simon looks equal parts terrified and amazed.

Aw yall keeping the alphabetical name tradition. How fucking cute.

But you know what, I'm here for it and I find myself satisfied.

And also thirsty!

That's why I went right back and started the series right over again. Yes I did. And I'm proud of that.

Now I will start the books and obsess about season 2.

What a beautiful much needled ride during these times. I feel alive again.

#bridgerton #bridgerton reaction #the duke of hastings #simon bassett #the duchess of hastings #daphne bridgerton #simon x daphne #daphne x simon #anthony bridgerton #benedict bridgerton #colin bridgerton #eloise bridgerton #violet bridgerton #portia featherington #penelope featherington #marina thompson #lady danbury #lady whistledown #mr granville

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 2/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

[Part 1 here]

This part will cover reader questions. Thank you to everyone who submitted some, and please feel free to continue asking if you have any. The series is VERY high-concept in areas and can be confusing. I’ll always answer as best I can without spoiling upcoming events <3

[Kid Cudi voice] now look at this:

HUGE thank you to @lookforaspoopynewangle​ for this amazing manip that I need everyone to see and love. Click here to reblog it and spread the joy.

InkofEmrys asked:

A couple random questions I'd throw at you: how far into TEA did you get/have a visual for the depth of Dean's struggle with himself and his sexuality that were happening in the background, which ended up being such a big theme in TBAM? Really, just; how much of Dean's perspective was already shaped in your mind as you wrote/began to develop TEA? And, when did the grounding principle of Dean trying not to be like his father when trying to chart this path with Sam first occur to you as something you wanted to really involve? Also, I'm really curious. (Read: bracing myself in mild fear). Whose perspective(s) do you think you'll end up writing the third work from?

From the getgo BOTH Sam n Dean’s stories were about how they had to find an identity outside of their fathers’ shadow. Almost immediately it was obvious that this was easy(er) for Sam, and life-altering for Dean. This is part of where I ultimately made the decision to split Sam and Dean’s stories because their narrative themes didn’t fit the same flow.

The explicit mantra of ‘I am not my father’ was a product of writing, and not intentional. I didn’t set out to make Sam or Dean specifically antagonistic to their father, because that is their Dad! They love him and miss him. But I did want to include just how difficult John made it to love him because he caused a lot of trauma to/for his children.

I’ve joked about this series being actually about Sam n Dean going through a secondary puberty of sorts. In the sense that, while John has been an absent father and they’ve been away from him most of their adult lives, while John was alive he had a huge presence over them and how they lived. One that continued to follow them after his death, and then by the time they were a few years away from that— they were facing down the apocalypse and had very little time for personal journeys other than ‘I love you enough to die for you’ and ‘I love you enough to let you die for me’. So this story is more about the time period where Sam and Dean have space to breathe and to realize ‘oh Dad’s not going to show up and force us to do what he wants anymore’ so they start poking around and finding out what they want to do and who they want to be

I knew from the beginning that a big aspect of Dean’s story would be dealing with feeling like he’d failed to honor his fathers’ memory by being queer, and not being het like he felt his father had forced him to be by raising Dean to be hypermasculine. It was also important to me to highlight that this was a closet of many factors, and not because John explicitly told Dean not to be queer. Things like the very hypermasculine hunter community, the period of time Dean grew up in, Dean’s intensive self-loathing and criticism of himself. What I didn’t expect was HOW MUCH story would come out of that. I fully intended Dean’s story, even in going back to “season 4” and working our way back to the events of TEA, to only be a little bit longer than Sam’s story.

While writing TEA I had the timeline of Dean’s pov in the back of my mind. I knew Cas was going to open the conversation (his ‘I love you’) to Dean early on, and I knew they wouldn’t be together-together until Sam walks in on their kiss (I hadn’t planned for that to be their first Real Kiss while writing TEA, but it worked out that way in TBAM), but I did know that Dean would have a pretty strong moment of realizing he was likely in love with Cas as well while they were in purgatory

Several povs will come into play in To Destroy a Man. I can tell you for certain that we will have rotating between Sam and Dean, and that the story will be set a few years after the events of TEA/TBAM

Anon asked:

Wrap up question: how did you decide to lead into Cas’s no-good-very-bad day the way you did? I feel like if I tried to write something as dramatic and intense as that I’d get seriously bogged down in trying to write a convincing set up. Why are the bros there? What case were they working on when they learned it was a trap? The way you wrote it I never even questioned any of those things- and that’s a sign of great writing imo! But I’d love to know more about your process for when you decide to go light on detail and when you choose to go deeper!

tl;dr: I made it boring af to know what they were doing!

But more to the point, one of the ‘weaknesses’ I highlighted about this fic, is that all the development happened in very tiny segments and little personal moments, rather than big flash n bang scenes all over the place. There was no driving plot beats to give a reader any footing to guess where the story would be going. This was a strength in that it meant I could surprise Sudden Action onto the story without warning— but it also had to be done wisely! You’ll note there are VERY few Surprise Action/Drama Moments: Sam shooting Naomi, when the leviathans swallow Dean, Sam corrupting Amy, and then Cas’ no-good-very-bad-day. Because most of the action has happened off screen, and the pace of the series is slow, suddenly leaping into action feels intense if only for the contrast!

In any case, all the details? Like: what was the case? Where are they” How far into investigating are they? I personally didn’t care about them. They were so inconsequential that it would have just wasted everyone’s time to spend a few paragraphs nicely laying out all of the information. I think the most I say (in ch25 of TBAM) is “They got notice of weird stuff that could be their kind of weird, so they went poking around.” Because I the writer don’t care that much, and because Dean the pov character doesn’t care that much about the info, then neither does the reader.

Light vs deep detail. A lot of it really came down to what I personally found interesting to write. Obviously self-reflection was a big theme in both stories. In Sam’s story I really wanted to write about magic! And explore magic. So most of Sam’s story deal with his magic powers or conversing with his hallucinations of Lucifer, rather than on details around him. In Dean’s I really wanted to explore a man caught between himself and the things he wants. It really came down to what deserved details and what didn’t!

Thank you all for reading! See ya soon <3

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

[captainjanegay]

Kasia’s Festival of Fondness - Holiday Edition ♥

It's super late on Christmas Eve (which is the most important day of holiday celebrations in Poland, just a fun fact dnsjjs) or early af on Christmas Day, depends how you look at it dhsjsj and I'm kinda in a food coma and having a beer with my brother. I've been thinking about doing this for a while and there's no time to share some love and affection than the Christmas times. So bear with my sappy self for a while, would ya?

This year sucked a lot. It's been the weirdest time all of us had to go through, it was filled with anxiety and worry and isolation. So now, more than ever, I'm so thankful to have so many incredible people in my life. People I've never actually met in my life but who make me so incredibly happy and brighten up every single one of my days. People who live miles and miles away but are somehow one of the closest ones to me. People whom I love deeply and meeting them was the best thing that happened to me. People who are going to get an incredibly sappy shoutout from me right now and will have to read through all my late-night, slightly-drunk but oh-so-sincere rambling. In no particular order, here we go:

@steverrogers

My sweetest Becky. I will forever cherish the day we first talked because it was a start of something beautiful. I love talking to you, you're such an amazing and interesting person, so smart and beautiful inside and out, so funny and supportive. Not one day passes without you making me smile by whatever lovely thing you say to me, by popping up on my dash or by popping up in my thoughts all of sudden (which happens a lot). You're so caring and sweet and 12 out of 10 times I don't know how to handle your sweetness. I love being able to help you with learning polish (and the fact that you're doing this is just so??? I'm in awe, this language is hell dhsjsj). I could talk to you for for hours or just sit in silence with you for hours and I'll look forward to the day you come to kidnap me :') I love you endlessly 💜✨💚

@hbalbat

I've said that already and I'm gonna say this again and again - you're such a ray of sunshine in the life of every person that has you in their life, Helena. You're so sweet and loving and you care so deeply about all your friends here. It's so amazing to see and being on the receiving end of your love and affection?? It's unreal 💚 I love hearing about your day or about your likes, dislikes or struggles. Even when the world feels overwhelming, you are always able to get up and face it and you're so much stronger than you let yourself believe. You're such a talented, artistic soul and I love you endlessly. You brought a smile to my face so many times and you were able to do this even when I was feeling so low and I'll forever be thankful for your bright and wonderful presence in my life. I love you so much, my sweet pumpkin.

@its-tortle

Luisa, my heart 💚 You are amazing and I'm in awe of you. You're such a beautiful force of energy, love and kindness and I'm always so incredibly happy when this force is directed towards me. You're such an incredible writer and every time you compliment my work I'm like "??? You say this is good but have you actually read your own writing?? How is this possible??". Your comments on my works make me cry real tears. And the card you've sent me? It's so sweet and I'll keep it forever, having something that you've actually held and wrote just for me is so great 💚 You have such a huge and loving heart and being your friend is an incredible privilege that I'll be grateful forever. Thank you for being so supportive and caring, you deserve all the good things in life and I love you to the moon and back 🥺💚

@buckybees

My loveliest Bee, you're so incredibly talented and both your fanarts and fanfics always makes me smile so much? You have the greatest ideas and I'm in awe of how creative and amazing your mind is. You are also so sweet and talking to you is always an absolute pleasure. And the fact that you're part polish makes me so happy? As you've once said, it's like we have this special connection and it's so amazing 💚 You're so nice and supportive and my heart always goes !!!! when you pop up in my notifs :') Having you as a friend makes me so happy and I can't wait for your card (even if it comes in July I'm gonna cry the happiest tears, just thinking that you've sent me one makes me so happy :')) 💚 you make me so happy and I love you loads 💚

@anna-wa

My lovely Anna 💚 I'm so so happy you're still puttin up with me even despite my fandom change and ironically (or not) I think we're now talking more than ever? And it makes me so happy? You're such an amazing person and I love hearing your thoughts and opinions. And you're also so caring and amazing. I've said this a milion times already but the day you've pointed out I probably have ADHD was life-changing and it really helped my mental well-being so much 🥺 You're amazing, talented and the best friend one could dream off. I love you so much and I hope only good things happen to you because you deserve all the happiness and softness the universe has to offer 💚 I love you a whole lot 💚✨

@farfromthstars

My sweet, amazing Pia 💚 you're one of my oldest friends on here and even though we don't talk as much as we used to you're in my thoughts a lot. You've always been nothing but amazing to me and I'll forever be in awe of all the kindness and affection I've gotten from you. I've became obsessed with so many things because (or thanks to, it depends dnsjjs) of you and I love how many of our interests align. I'm so proud of you and you're all of my all-time fave authors, you're so talented :') You're like an older sister I always wanted to have dhsjsj 💚 I love you so much and as messy as the 1d fandom can be, I'll forever be grateful that it brought us together :')

@ziallerslouve

Annika, my sweetheart! 💚 We don't talk as much as we used to but you're still one of my favourite people on here. I love that we can go for months without talking or interacting in any way but then we just go back to where we were and just catch up without any awkwardness (and for my weird af communication skills - or lack of thereof - it's the most comforting thing? 🥺). We have so much in common and I love that you always get me so well 💚 You're so great and it's so amazing to have you as a friend 💚

@mysterious-marvel

Milly, my sweetest! Every time I see you on my dash it puts the biggest smile on my face! You're so talented and sweet and I love and cherish every single interaction we have 💚 You're so supportive and incredible and beautiful inside and out, I'm so happy I've joined the marvel fandom and was able to meet you 💚

@metalbvcky

Mandy, you precious soul! 💚 We didn't talk as much but I love you so much? You're so sweet and kind and you always brighten up my dash. And the fact that you decided to organise a secret Santa event to brighten up this hell of a year is just so amazing! You have a huge and beautiful heart and I adore you so much. Also I'm soooo excited to read "Mercury in Retrograde"?? It sounds so incredible and since you're an amazing writer I know I'll love it :')

@sexiestvampirevictim

Lidia, you're an ethereal creature and I still don't know what have I done for you to bless my life with your presence. I love you so much and your continuing support means everything to me 💚 You're wonderful and amazing and nobody gets my uni struggles as well as you do fjsjsj you always make sure that I won't bury myself in a hole of uni-related self-hatred and I really wish things could be better for you but knowing that I'm not alone is really reassuring :') 💚 you're an unstoppable force and you can conquer the world (and you should tbh, it would be such an incredible place if you did) and I love you as much an many there are stars in the sky

@christmascap

Lauren, my love! I'm still in awe that you're following me, you're like the cool, popular mutual I've had and always admired from afar but then you started talking to me and I'm not sure what to do now? You're so talented and your edits and ficlets are so heartbreakingly good. I can't understand why they don't get more attention because there just so beautiful and everyone should see them. And you're such a warm and kind person, you're always so sweet to your followers and I bet you're so much fun to be around irl :') I know that no matter what obstacles the world throws your way, you're able to overcome them all. I love you loads and while I'm still kinda nervous while talking you (I don't even know why!! You're such a sweetheart! 💚) I wanted you to know that I adore you so much 💚💚

@hufflepufsh

Huffy, my little angel! You're also one of my favourite friends on here and even if were basically in completely different fandoms rn, I'm so thankful that you're in my life! We can go without talking for ages and they we just pop up into each others Inbox and declare our undying love and I think it's beautiful?? You're so amazing and we've known each other for so long and you're like a constant in my life and every time I see you on my dash it makes me so happy, even if I have no idea what you're blogging about dhsjsj I lava you and I'll give you everything 💚💚

@lepetitcomte

.

My most wonderful Mum 💚 I love you and I'd die for you. I suck at maintaining conversations but I think about you a lot. And I mean like a lot. I always send good vibes your way and when you feel a random warmness in your heart it's my vibes finally making it across the ocean. You're so incredibly smart and you've always been so supportive and kind and wonderful to me. Even when we don't talk I'm eternally grateful you're a part of my life. You've gotta piece of my heart and being your daughter is an honour I have no idea how I deserved 💚

.

Also a huge shout-out to @hawkeyeandthewintersoldier @ywecanthavenicethingsanymore @hannah-stagram @ceilingventclintbarton @lifeishell @reedstorm @justice-for-plums @samrhodey for being literal angels and brightening my dash with their presence and brightening my life with every single interaction we've ever had :') 💚💚

I'm probably forgetting so many people and I'm so sorry for that. It's been so long since I've started writing it in my notes and my brain power is getting low fjsjsj I love and cherish every single mutual and every single follower I have no matter if we ever interacted or not. You all make me so happy and you make my days so much more bearable. The unbelievable amount of love and support I've gotten from you warms my heart and it's going to make me burst one day :') thank you for putting up with me through this post and through every single day, I'm in awe you still follow this mess of a blog and continue to give me your affection and love. I love you endlessly 💚💚💚

#i hope i'm making sense #pls excuse me if i don't djakj #the most important point is that #i love you #so so much #you make me so incredibly happy #meeting you was the best that happened to me this year #and for those of you that were stuck with me for ages - how dhajkjda #i'm so happy to have you in my life #sorry not sorry for the sappiest of all the sappy posts #kas chats

[royalprinceroman]

"In awe, the first time you realised it" with rivya pretty pretty pleaasee

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAXI!!! this ask is old af but I was inspired so I wrote you this rivya drabble fic thinggggg idk i hope you enjoy it!!

(These characters are our own ocs based on the Sanders Sides from this blog. This is an irl AU so enjoy!! Some Sides might show up idk why don't you read and find out hehe)

On mobile so sorry for no read more :(

---

River felt himself waking up; the stream of his consciousness pulling his thoughts to the real world around him. He slowly opened his eyes to see the glow of the early morning sun peeking through the edge of the curtain he swore he had tucked behind the bookshelf so it wouldn't get him right in the face, but alas, it had failed. River sighed, pulling their comforter over their head in denial.

Mondays sucked and River did not want to pull themselves out of bed, but within seconds of stretching their arms above their head, a shrill alarm from their phone began to sound on the side table next to their bed. River slapped around until successfully snoozing the alarm before throwing the blanket off.

There was one reason and one reason only River was getting up for class on this day. He had that one class today - economics. And that one boy was in it. The transfer student.

He had the gall to talk to River the day before, and several days before that. As well as the day the teacher had given him the seat next to River.

"Hello." The boy had said as he sat down. His hood covered most of his face but River could see his right eye and a soft smile on his face. "My name is Arya. It's nice to meet you."

River had glanced his way, their chin balanced on their palm. With the intent to simply brush him off, River had opened his mouth only to feel his words caught in his throat once he had made eye contact with the gentle boy.

"I'm River." River had managed to cough out that day. "Pleasure."

It was a dry introduction, but it didn't seem to offend Arya at all. He had smiled again and turned to his bag in front of him, pulling his notebook and pen out as River heard the teacher begin to speak.

River had been brought back to his dorm room by a jolt of him missing his pant leg while trying to get dressed. Arya had left him feeling weird that first day and every day after that, Arya had continued to say hello and be super kind to him. River didn't really understand why Arya was acting that way-- if Arya knew River at all, he would know that River didn't deserve that kind of kindness.

River zipped his jacket up and heard his cell phone begin to chime again, but this time it was a text tone. He absent-mindedly reached for the phone, unlocking it in one motion.

He bit his lip as he saw a message from his brother- his twin, Meph. Meph had chosen not to go to college but to work at a friend's laboratory. River sometimes regretted going to college but since he was there on a scholarship, it only made sense to stay. Besides, Meph had only chosen not to go to college to help River actually go for his dream: to be a marine biologist.

River loved the ocean. It was his favorite place to be and if he managed to put his past behind him and become a marine biologist, he'd never have to leave the ocean again. Meph had gotten the job with his friend to pay the bills so River could focus on school.

Meph the Grump: Hey so Nic needs me to stay late again this weekend so I won't be able to come up to visit. Maybe we can work something out for next weekend. Just let me know.

River sighed and locked his phone, shoving it into his pocket. That makes the 3rd time Meph canceled on him in the last month. River didn't really know what Nicolaus did for a living but Meph was apparently very important to the lab. It paid for the roof over his head so River ignored the pain of disappointment running through his chest.

He grabbed his bag before stopping by the mirror near the front door. Messing with his hair for only a few moments, he sighed and left the house, locking the front door behind him. His college was a mere three blocks away so walking was the simplest way of getting there.

River began the trek down the semi busy street, staring at the ground as he walked. From the corners of their sight, River watched the world go around him: People walked solo past; some girls in groups crossing the street laughing together; a single mom holding her baby while opening the door to a store.

The world kept going despite of all the troubles people had. River knew this and yet he always wondered what he looked like from that perspective. Was he intimidating? Were they interesting to the world around them or forgettable?

River adjusted his back on his shoulder as he stopped at a crosswalk. Several people lingered around him as they all waited for the traffic light to change. As he considered his plans for the weekend now that Meph wasn't coming into town anymore, he realized he was staring across the road at a familiar face.

It was Arya. However, Arya was standing against a brick building with another few men around him. River scrunched his face in curiosity and confusion. He had never seen Arya outside of class and he walked this street everyday. Wouldn't they have crossed paths before?

River heard the chime of the crosswalk allowing pedestrians to pass as suddenly one of the men grabbed Arya by the shoulder rather roughly. Arya stumbled into one of the other taller men who shoved him back towards the building. River felt his blood boil nearly instantly as he took off across the street. He was still fairly far away but he picked up the pace as the three men pulled Arya down an alleyway behind the brick building.

"I promise I'll have it to you soon. I will. I will." Arya's voice filtered through the air as River got closer. It was staggered and breathless; shaky and soft. He was clearly scared. "I know I said today, but my job hasn't paid me yet so--"

CRACK.

River dashed around the corner, hearing a bone crushing noise as they did so. It took River's eyes a few seconds while blinking to adjust to the darkness of the alley only to see Arya on the ground, unmoving.

"You bastards! What did you do to him?" River shouted as he stomped forward, leaving barely any space between himself and the strangers. His heart was racing-- Arya still hadn't moved. "Arya! Hey!" River shouted as the men laughed.

"Arya has a friend? Haha, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day," said the tallest man, turning to face River. "You should scram, kid, if you know what's good for you."

"Kid? I'm not a child, and I'm not scared of you." River said confidently, even though his hand was trembling. He was convinced it was his anger peaking. "Get away from him." River snarled through bared teeth.

The leader looked at his two friends and all three of them laughed.

"Kid, I don't think you understand the situation you're in." the Leader scoffed before suddenly darting towards River with his fist reared back.

In one step, River bent down, dodging him swiftly and flattening his right hand, shoving it perfectly timed onto the man's elbow forcing it the wrong direction. River heard the satisfying snap of the bone.

"Sonofabitch!" The leader shouted, falling to the ground, grasping towards his left arm. His partners ran to his side as he struggled to stand. "I won't forget this!" He growled as the three of them took off out of the alley.

River relaxed his stance, releasing a deep breath before spinning on his heel and dashing back to where Arya lay still unmoving. River fell to his knees, picking Arya up gently.

"Hey... hey Arya." They whispered, shaking the boy. Within a minute, Arya's eyes opened and he immediately pushed away from River, the innate fear of the other men still fresh. "No, Arya, it's okay-- it's me." River held his hands up.

Arya's breathing slowed as he realized the other three men were gone. His hand snapped to his head, his left eye closing in pain. Silence fell between the two of them. River wasn't sure what to say, and Arya... he looked like he might pass out at any moment.

"What are you doing here?" Arya broke the silence. His voice was scratchy but still the soft, kind tone River was used to hearing in class. "This doesn't concern you."

River scoffed, "The hell it doesn't! Who were those men? What did they want from you?" Arya stayed silent, choosing to look anywhere but River's face. "Fine then, I guess it doesn't matter..." he stood up to leave.

"Wait!" Arya jumped to his feet.

River turned to see Arya reaching out towards him only for the boy to be overcome by his injuries. His eyes rolled back and he fell towards the ground. River was quick enough to catch him before he made contact with the pavement. The momentum of the fall had caused Arya's hood to reveal his full face. River blinked in surprise-- the right side of Arya's face was covered with a severe burn scar. How had they never noticed it before?

Out of respect, River pulled Arya's hood back over his head and held the boy close.

"Excuse me."

A voice from behind them both caused River to whip around, holding on to Arya even tighter.

A man stood there, holding his bowler hat in front of his face. His cape like top blew in the wind of the alley and his yellow gloved hands nearly look illuminescent in the alley.

"Who are you?" River demanded.

"I am that boy's guardian, and I would appreciate you giving him to me." The man said as he put his hat on his head. It revealed his face to be similar to Arya except the left side of his was... a snake, wait what?

River stood, holding Arya in his arms. "Why should I believe you? Maybe I should take him and run away?"

"No, that's not necessary. You see... that boy is not human, my dear." The man began to walk closer. "Well, not anymore." He stopped walking. "Ah, how rude of me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Janus."

"Okay... Janus what do you want with Arya?" River questioned, backing up a step.

"Oh no. You misunderstand. Arya came to me, you see. Alone and with nothing to lose, he made a deal. A deal with a snake." Janus explained, the snake side of his face never losing the grin it held. "Losing your entire family in a fire you caused and leaving yourself scarred for life is a rough thing to go through. He wanted to forget-- however it comes with a price."

"Yeah well... he needs medical treatment from whatever those assholes did to him so I'm taking him to the hospital. He's not going with you." River said firmly. "So I'll be leaving now."

River adjusted Arya in his arms before brushing past Janus toward the main street. River never once looked back and kept walking, avoiding the busier streets with nosey people. A regular hospital would ask too many questions. It was time to pay an old friend a visit.

After a ten minute walk, River arrived at what looked like a simple flower shop. He walked inside. A boy stood behind the main counter and turned to face them.

"Oh River! It's been awhile." He said. "Oh... is your friend hurt?"

"Yeah... can you help him Gabriel?" River asked as Gabriel held a back door open for them to walk through.

"Of course. Let's get him checked out." Gabriel assured.

River placed Arya on a rather large bed and sat down across from him and Gabriel in a plastic chair. River could feel the tension leaving his body finally and the realization of everything that happened was making his mind race as he watched Gabriel check Arya's vitals. Who were those three original men? Who was Janus? Was Janus telling the truth when he said Arya wasn't human anymore? What did that even mean? Nothing about this morning made any sense.

"River?" Gabriel's voice called them out of their stupor and River could see Arya was covered by a blanket now and his hoodie has been removed. "Are you okay? Do you need me to check you too?" Gabriel reached and felt River's head before they could lean away.

"No I'm fine." River assured.

Before Gabriel could ask again, a chime went off above their heads: a customer had walked into the flower shop. Gabriel excused himself and left the room. The room became silent other than the ticking of the clock on the far wall.

River stood up and walked to look at Arya. He looked peacefully asleep and more relaxed than before. Gabriel must've given him some medication. River pushed Arya's bangs out of his face and Arya stirred a bit, as if he was going to wake up.

"River.... wait.. please..." Arya murmured, his eyes still closed but tightened in fear. A dream. "I can explain... don't go... I need you."

River grabbed Arya's hand, intertwining their fingers. Arya seemed to relax and stopped talking. River was an idiot-- why hadn't he noticed it before? All of those feelings towards Arya... it was love. A need to protect.

"Don't worry, Arya..." River sat down on the side of the bed, brushing their fingers down the side of Arya's face. "I'm not going anywhere."

FIN.

#sanders sides #ocs #my ocs #arya sanders #river sanders #though technically they arent sanders here but idc #janus sanders #rivya #happy birthday maxi 2021 #sorry this wasnt longer ;^; work sucks

[cross-d-a]

fic tag game

aaahhh @vishcount thank you for tagging me!!! These are so fun and I adored reading about your fic journey~!  ೖ(⑅σ̑ᴗσ̑)ೖ ❤

OH as a note!! For the ppl I tag at the end I don’t expect you to read all of this bc it’s A Lot!!! but I figured you might want to do this game yourself? haha :)

Name: cross-d-a shortened version of my first ever username. unfortunately stuck with it now haha but i’m fond of it :p wish it was cuter tho!!

Posting the rest of this under the cut so it doesn’t eat up people’s dashes!! 

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Fandoms: 

oKAY YIKES there are....honestly too many too name. I’ve got a short and obsessive attention span so it’s either all or nothing with me usually. When I can stay in a fandom for a long period of time it’s a miracle. I’ll name the bigger ones that I’ve all written fic for! Even if I’ve never posted them haha

Right now I’m very firmly into Daomu Biji (dmbj). It feels like it’s both got a crap ton of content and yet barely anything at all haha. Maybe because the English fandom is so small. But at least there are a bunch of dramas and books!!! I really, really, really adore dmbj so much!! And a large part of that is the fandom!!! It's been a really cool and unique experience! Everyone in it is truly so kind and wonderful, and I’ve made some really incredible friends because of it (looking at you vish!! ❤). I’ve got a bunch of wips, but I’ve only posted two fics for dmbj!

Before this I was very into Guardian and mdzs. MDZS was my first foray into cdramas and Guardian’s Zhu Yilong really suckered me into watching more haha I also have fics for both these fandoms!

My very first fandoms were Fullmetal Alchemist, D. Gray-Man and Naruto. My very old ffnet account has fics for these and I’ve got a bunch of newer wips on my tablet. Then Star Trek, Twilight, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Death Note, Harry Potter, How to Train Your Dragon, Battlestar Galactica, Avatar the Last Airbender and Marvel were a few of my main ones in high school. Plus a bunch of anime (like Fruits Basket! and Kuroshitsuji and Natsume Yuujinchou). 

Then college hit and I renewed my childhood love of Tolkien (mainly lotr and the Hobbit), and Star Wars. I also found Teen Wolf! Then after college it was Stranger Things. 

I find myself in a cycle of mild fondness and complete obsession with these fandoms haha I go back to Star Wars at least once a year!! Then I’m in the gffa hole for a few months. Marvel also reoccurs, depending on how interested I am in new content! Star Trek I always always always go back to. TOS is my comfort show and it will never fade from my heart ❤

But for now I’m stuck in cdrama hell and I love it

Tropes: 

Time travel, found family, whump+hurt/comfort, fairytale-like elements, resurrective immortality (thanks to a “Nine Lives” Hobbit fic), CROSSOVERS

I’m a slut for all these things so they often worm their way into my plots haha

I also just- love weird premises. I think that’s the anime influencing me haha

Fic I spent most time on: 

My series he leaves sand and stardust in my wake (main fic is hurricane on the edge of oblivion), I have...spent five years on now. I have done so much research for this fic it’s insane. 

The premise is force ghost!Obi-Wan getting shunted back into his tiny 10 year old self. I incorporate a shit ton of legends and I try to stay as canon as possible. I basically want this au to feel like it’s 1000% plausible while still getting all my gay shit. It’s chock full of whump, redemption, found family, minor characters turning into major characters, and I’ve got slavery uprising on the mind, too. It’s just- everything I could ever want to explore in the Star Wars universe basically. 

It’s my first big project. I started doodling and scribbling ideas in the margins of my notebook in my Scottish History class. I adore it so so so much. But, because of my hyperfixation and fleeting intense obsession with things it makes it- really difficult to consistently update. I leave it for months at a time and I am constantly guilt-ridden about it. Because it’s my baby and I have a lot of wonderful readers. I fear I’ll never be able to finish it. Especially since I’ve written so much and I’m still only in the beginning of it. ( ; A ; )

Also, I’ve spent so much time with Xanatos, Feemor and Bruck that they just feel like mine now. I can’t read any fics that involve them, it’s too strange. Which is a damn shame because I love them so much haha OH ALSO!! I think it’s the first really big fic to include those three?? So I’m very proud about that haha (I’ve had so many ppl comment about how they actually Give A Shit about these three and are Invested bc of me haha)

Favorite fic(s) you’ve written: 

hurricane on the edge of oblivion (with nowhere to go) (Star Wars)

My long-term passion project. My love-letter to Star Wars, I suppose. Reading it now I feel like a lot of it is clunky or long-winded, but I think it really shows the foundation of my writing today :) Main characters are Obi-Wan, Xanatos Du Crion, Qui-Gon Jinn, Bruck Chun and Feemor. Eventually we’ll get to Maul, Savage, Feral, Shmi Skywalker, (more!) Ahsoka, Anakin and a shit ton of clones ❤

things we hunger for (Guardian)

My Ye Zun self-indulgent fic. It’s a time travel amnesia Weilanzun! Honestly has some of my fav writing I’ve ever done. It’s so soft and really indulges in the hurt/comfort. It gives Ye Zun the friends and family I think he deserves. Also, he gets to grow into a (mostly!) functional person and I adore him.

the beast that slumbers within your soul (mdzs)

Jiang Cheng centric fic!! I feel like all my favourite fics I’ve written are love letters haha. This is one def my love letter to Jiang Cheng. This fic possessed me for two whole days. I wrote 16k in almost one sitting. I went to sleep at 6 in the morning bc I couldn’t stop writing. And when I drifted off I kept thinking of new ideas so I’d whip out my phone and write down lines and notes. I- have never ever ever felt that way about anything. It was- insane. It felt insane. It was so amazing. I’m still riding the memory of that high.

 Basically Jiang Cheng actually finds Baoshan Sanren and it turns out she’s a fox demon and Jiang Cheng is descended from wolves. It’s- okay I said the fic above this had my favourite writing?? That was a lie. This has my favourite writing I’ve ever done. It’s unfinished bc I am in dmbj hell but I am still excited about the next chapter which features Wei Wuxian’s pov!!

the whispers of spirits (dmbj)

My current passion project. In a way it kinda feels similar to hurricane? Bc multiple povs, incorporating different aspects of canon (we’ll get there!! I promise!), shit ton of research, etc. etc. I really really really love it for so many reasons. I’m basically taking all the things I was unsatisfied with in Reboot and Sha Hai and running with it. Found family and whump galore! It’s also a love letter to the women of dmbj who really deserve so so so much better.

Honourable mention to:

One Day (you’ll have given more of yourself than is meant to be taken) (Marvel)

This fic also kinda possessed me. I just- couldn’t get rid of the idea of a trans!Thor. And I mean a mtf Thor! It’s just? So many people look at Thor and go “that’s a Real Man.” Full stop. They never think there could be anything more, and it really really really bothered me. So I wrote out my feelings. I’m not trans. I don’t have that experience at all. I’ve had issues and confusion about my gender but nothing like this. I just wanted to do justice to this idea of Thor in my head. And I still feel a bit nervous having posted it. But I've gotten so many comments from people who really connected with what I’ve written? So I’m very very thankful I wrote it and it has a very special place in my heart. It’s a very cathartic fic.

Fic I spent least time on: 

Probably we rise (Star Wars) and I think it shows haha. I wrote it in response to Dave Filoni posting a drawing of Ahsoka and Gandalf telling her “People thought I was dead, too, and look how that turned out...” So I incorporated Ahsoka (and Din and Grogu and Ezra!!!) into the ending of Rise of Skywalker, kinda explaining how I think they could all still be alive. :)

Longest fic: 

hurricane is my longest fic (159k) but I’m kinda worried whispers will eclipse that.....

Shortest fic: 

Of my posted ones it’s The Five Moments it Took Tony and Scott to Admit They Were Best Friends (and the first time they ever did), currently clocks at 1.6k. It’s unfinished tho so maybe that doesn’t count.... otherwise it’s we rise which is completed and 2k.

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks: 

hurricane overall has the most of all these. Though I don’t think hits counts as much bc it’s multi-chapter. If you discount multi-chapter stuff, most hits goes to my obikin smutfic Homecoming, bc people are horny af haha

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: 

If I had energy I’d like to rewrite the beginning of hurricane bc it feels so so wordy. I’d want to expand on One Day bc I really would like to write a whole series with trans!Thor. And like- I’d really like the focus to finish any of my WIPs.

Share a bit of a WIP: I really wanna share my Guardian/dmbj crossover that I started back in August. Bc I adore the idea of wu xie&shen wei&ye zun triplets! Plus time travel!!! I dunno if I’ll ever finish it tho ( ; A ; ) It just feels like a lot to deal with right now.

This scene takes place during the Mountain Awl arc. Guardian crew and desperado fam run across each other at the village! Wu Xie has recently found out that he’s adopted and he’s searching for answers in the area Sanshu originally found amnesiac!toddler!Wu Xie in :) Gonna pull two snippets bc I’m v excited and this might be the only time anyone else sees this fic haha:

“Oh?” Pangzi focuses on Yunlan now, lips twisting. “You think I’ve ‘got the wrong guy,’ huh?” He laughs, but it’s not a nice sound. “That’s rich! Are you that cocky or are you just stupid?”

Bristling, Yunlan drops his hands and scowls. “Excuse me?”

“Sir,” Shen Wei tries. “I think—”

Pangzi’s eyes snap back to Shen Wei, sharp and blazing. “How dare you fucking steal his face!”

What?

Automatically, Zhao Yunlan turns to Shen Wei, but the professor looks just as shell-shocked as Zhao Yunlan feels which- is seriously something. Since everything about Shen Wei is so carefully controlled, kept to the minimum. Except for those delightful little smiles that bloom across his lovely face, or the startled little bursts of laughter that fall from his lips. Or even when anger and frustration spark across his features, cracking his calm veneer open enough that he can see a glimmer of what lies beneath, the fire in those eyes. Zhao Yunlan delights in those moments, makes a game of making Shen Wei’s control slip.

He tells himself it’s nothing more than a game. Nothing more than trying to find out what makes Shen Wei tick.

Zhao Yunlan’s always been very bad at lying to himself. Or very good. Depending on who you’re asking.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Yunlan splutters.

But before anyone can say anything else, a very familiar voice calls:

“Pangzi? What’s wrong?”

Yunlan can feel Shen Wei stiffen, and Yunlan himself is pulled to that voice like a planet in orbit, like the inevitable plummet to the ground.

Another shadow wavers in the doorway before it steps out onto the dirt. Light illuminates shaggy hair, limning it gold, sharply casting everything else in shadow. But as the figure nears, the contrast softens until Yunlan can see the newcomer’s face properly and- and—

“Wu Xie!” Pangzi growls. “We’ve got ourselves an impostor!”

The man wearing Shen Wei’s face steps up to them, brows furrowed and mouth pulled down into a sharp frown. He glances between them, eyes landing on Shen Wei. His scowl deepens. He opens his mouth, but then—

“Wu Xie?” Shen Wei breathes, all trembly and lost and hopeless.

Heart in his throat, Yunlan turns to Shen Wei again. Turns and flinches at that stricken look upon Shen Wei’s pale pinched face.

“A-Xie?” Shen Wei chokes. “Didi?”

and

Pangzi snorts. “Professor?”

“I-it’s true!”

Startled Yunlan swings his attention over to Jiajia who clenches her backpack to her chest, face screwed up in admirable determination. “P-professor Shen took me and Xiao Quan on a field trip to investigate an archeological site around here!”

“Oh?” Wu Xie drawls all slow and amused. “Well, what a coincidence. We’re archeologists, too.”

“With guns?” Yunlan bites out.

Wu Xie raises a brow, grin full of teeth. “Well, you can never be too prepared.”

“Right,” Yunlan drawls right back. “Are you a professor, too, then? You come here with your students?”

Wu Xie outright grins. “You could say that, I suppose.”

Out of the corner of his eye, one of the men rolls his eyes. He’s the one with sharp features, glasses and looped earbuds. Does he think it’s appropriate to listen to music at a time like this? Yunlan admires the man’s gall.

aahhhh vish thanks so much again for tagging me!! This was so fun to relive my fic memories!! I’m gonna tag @alwaysaslutforshakespeare @jockvillagersonly @tehfanglyfish @lichelleme @undyingsunshine @humanlighthouse  @thewindsofsong I’m curious about your guys’ writing and fandom journey!! As always, no pressure to actually complete this!! I just thought it was fun ❤

Wow if you read all of this I am very humbled and impressed, thank you!!

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

#cross talks #my fic #fanfiction #uhhh what else do i tag this as i dunno #about me #cross posts #wip fic

[futurewriter2000]

I have a question for you but you dont have to answer it if you dont want to. I want to reset my life and myself. I dont know if I can explain it perfectly but I want to improve my life quality both emotionally and productively. Do you have any recommendations on how to do that?

Oh, honey. There isn’t a reset button but you know what there is? There’s you. There’s your will, you determination, your strength, your love and there’s me to stand by you through all of that. 

I don’t mind answering. I care about you because if you wrote to me out of billions of blogs on here, than that means that you trust me enough. Even if it is anonymous. 

The fact that you want to improve your life in certain areas, is such a huge step to take. I’m proud of you already. 

I know this is going to sound weird but I say that you should listen to your heart and intuition. Stop holding your emotions in, stop trying to please people, stop pretending to be somebody you’re not. I know it’s easier said then done but it’s a process, such a slow process might I add. Here are some things that helped me change my life for the better. 

Positive thinking. This is the worst thing people want to hear. I know. It sucks ass to think positively but I promise you, once you start, once you start forcing yourself to look on the bright side, you’ll start doing it as a good habit. Positive thinking manifests into reality. That’s what 11:11 means for anybody, who follows numerology. This was actually my first step I took on my self-improving journey. Last January 2020 I was so done with life and I saw the numbers 11 everywhere and when I was crying my eyeballs out I saw 01.01 am in the morning and I was so annoyed by it that I googled it with teary eyes and it told me that seeing 1′s is a way of Universe, telling you to stop thinking negatively about everything and start thinking positively because it manifests in your reality. You know everybody likes to be around a positive person. Positivity is attractive af. The more positive you are, more positive people you will attract and inspire. What you give to the universe, the universe will give it back twice as much. So be careful of your own thoughts. 

Work on yourself. Just push everything away. Just the fact to think positively is working on yourself and whenever somebody tries to put you down, rise above it. Always, ALWAYS, look on the bright side, even if you may feel there isn’t one. If you had a shitty day and that everything seemed to go to waste, just think of what you had learned or plan for tomorrow because tomorrow is a new day. Plan, make goals, do a to do list for your life, look for your passion, explore, read,... do what makes you happy man. Write it down, just stay away from moping in your bed (and I’m not saying to not mope or to force yourself to be happy, no. If you feel sad and if you want to mope in your bed, take a day to feel that but don’t stay there forever. Don’t do that for days or weeks.) 

Work on your fears. I believe fear is an illusion. It’s something that exists in our minds and we don’t really know why but I think the biggest fear that there is is what other people think about us and just... dude... just push those thoughts away. Stop overthinking, stop letting anxiety take over because anxiety is bullshit. It’s complete bullshit. It’s not even real. It’s just your thoughts and fears and overthinking. Just tell yourself the opposite. If your anxiety says “They probably think I’m weird.” you say back “Yeah, so what? What will they do? Kill me? Tell other people? Let them tell other people, what will those other people do? Nothing. It’s none of my business. I’m weird and unique and fuck it. I don’t have time to think about this.” I literally always say “So what if they think that? What will they do about it? Nothing. It happened, so fuck it.” 

I think if you work on yourself internally, you will positively start to realise changes on your other areas of your life. I think that people are so focused on their material world (such as job, future, life) that they completely neglect their spiritual world. Your soul needs peace, my man. It needs to be calmed down for a while. I know I probably sound like a hippie rn but it’s so true. Once I started working on my thinking, my emotions, my perspective on things... I just started noticing changes in my life. Such as: when I started thinking positively, a month later I believed in myself enough to be able to raise my grades and learn to treat my hair and skin. The moment I started to see changes on my grades and my hair and my skin, I wanted to work on my body and finish school once and for all. Once I started to see results from my workouts and healthy eating and that I was actually finishing school, I started to see people that were standing in my way and preventing them, so I let them go. Once I let them go (and boy did it hurt like a motherfucker) I started to realise who I am by myself, without any influences of who I should be and once I realised who I am, I also realised how toxic those people in my life were but I knew it man. In my gut I knew it that cutting some people out of my life was the right decisions because my soul got so lighter. It got so fucking light it made me breathe again. It was lonely at first because I didn’t know who I was without them but then I started to get my strength from that loneliness and I realised how many fucking things I can do by myself. Without asking people to do it for me or how to do it. I just did it and I’m ot afraid to do things on my own anymore. I actually prefer doing it on my own. Once I did that, in August I started to love my body, in September I finished school, in October I was accepted to the faculty but dropped out because it wasn’t my dream faculty and I didn’t want to go in the first place. In October I was finally happy and being my most self, I started reading again, drawing, painting, writing, going for long walks, connecting to my roots. I was myself again and it felt so liberating. I decided to take a gap year, create goals for the next year, plan things, organise myself a bit. In November I got a job and finally moved on from the past hurt and trauma. In December I met new people and was happiest I had ever been in so long and right now it’s going to be a year since that 01.01 moment that I looked on the clock and decided to think positively. 

It’s a slow process. There isn’t a reset button and trust me that it’s better that way because once you see the process you made, it makes you so proud and so motivated to keep going. I know it’s hard and long but it’s worth it and you’ll keep seeing signs and inspirations to keep going every day. Just don’t give up. 

I’ll be here if you need anything. I hope this helped and keep me updated. 

All the love <3

[lovetheonlyyouthereis]

Here’s my theory about the extent of Jimin’s birthday present for Jungkook.

Again, like I said, this is PURELY a theory and, like, 95% delulu/fan fiction, based on what we’ve learned in the past few hours and what I know about Jikook’s personalities. 

1) Jimin planned to surprise Jungkook this entire time.

I don’t necessarily think Jimin went to Paris for the sole purpose of shopping for JK’s birthday gifts or for the sole purpose of facilitating a surprise, but I think he did decide that, upon planning a trip to Paris, he would use the opportunity to surprise Jungkook.

We know from the RUN episode where the boys had to find the spy in the mall (and Jimin was one of the spies), that Jungkook is very gullible when it comes to Jimin. Jimin probably made up some story about why he wanted to go to Paris and how Jungkook’s birthday weekend was the ONLY time he could go. And Jungkook probably bought it.

But knowing Jimin, he probably needed to play quite a balancing act. Even though he didn’t do anything wrong and Jungkook was probably OK with him spending the weekend in Paris instead of with him, let’s be real: The Jimin we know would feel AWFUL for missing Jungkook’s birthday, even if the reason made sense.

Based on that Ramen interaction on 8/23, I’d stand to reason he spent a lot of time with JK before he left for Paris to sort of sell that he felt bad for spending Jungkook’s birthday in Paris. And Jungkook was probably kind of bummed, but trying to be mature. I can imagine him pouting while they were eating ramen like in the VLIVE after Jimin turned off the Eat Jin VLIVE without letting Jungkook say hello, like, “You’re going to be away on my birthday,” and Jimin being like, “I already apologized/explained. Can I leave now?” Haha.

2) Jimin pre-recorded Jungkook’s birthday message as a fake out.

I think all of us thought, when we watched Jimin’s video for Jungkook, that it was a little weird. But we were all so stressed out from all the BS going down on Twitter and all the doubters and antis popping off on Tumblr over the past few days that we didn’t feel free to speculate about it or be irreverently delulu. But yes, when I watched the video, I was like, “This is weird AF.” Like, Jimin always goes all out on Jimin’s birthday. Why did he post this stilted-ass video? Is he planning some sort of surprise?

I stopped myself from voicing this opinion, landing on the idea that maybe they had some inside joke between them. Like it was a play on that thing they do where they pretend they don’t know each other and shake each other’s hands at events for photos? And that they must have texted outside of the video. Jimin must have texted him like, “I miss you. Wish I was there for your birthday. Hope you’re having an amazing day. Can’t wait to celebrate when I get back! LOL at my goofy video for the fans.”

Well, knowing what I know now, I do think that they def texted outside of that video, but the video itself was to keep up appearances. I think Jungkook knows that Jimin would never not post ANYTHING on social media for his birthday. Even if they were planning to see each other at a later date to celebrate since ~JiMIn wAs In ParIS~, it’s just not like Jimin to NOT  post anything on Twitter for Jungkook’s b-day. So Jimin posted that pre-recorded video to throw Jungkook off his sent.

Like, “Happy birthday, Jungkook! Look at the parisian landscape behind me! I’m def still in Paris! We’ll celebrate later, I promise. Haha.. But I’m TOTALLY still in Paris, see?”

3) Jimin used Hobi to facilitate the surprise party.

I believe that Jimin planned the surprise party, but used J-Hope to facilitate it. The decorations in the background suggest Jimin was the one who decorated for the party, but how could he have decorated Jungkook’s apartment in the evening and had Jungkook show up without blowing the surprise?

WELL, *DISCLAIMER: WE’RE GETTING DEEP IN DELULU TOWN HERE* I think that the party took place at J-Hope’s apartment. I think, since J-Hope and JK live in the same complex, Jimin planned the party using J-Hope. He told all of Jungkook’s friends about the party, showed up at J-Hope’s early to do the decorating, and then just made sure J-Hope texted Jungkook to show up at his apartment at the right time. I could even imagine him going over what J-Hope should text JK to come over. Haha. But, you know, this is delulu as hell. lololol.

4) Jungkook was probably so friggin’ surprised.

I can imagine Jungkook showing up to J-Hope’s apartment feeling resigned to the fact that it was the first time he was spending his birthday apart from Jimin. He was probably ok with it, but lowkey bummed. Probably thinking he was just going to chill with Hobi, have a drink or something.

But I can imagine he opened the door to find Jimin standing in the center of all his friends and Hobi in Hobi’s apartment with that rainbow cake and all his presents and what not, and him just starting to cry (like in the birthday prank from way back when). Because even though he was cool with Jimin spending his birthday in Paris, he would have really liked to spend his bday with Jimin, too, you know? So he’s crying and Jimin’s like BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, THEY’RE MELTING...

And after he blows out the candles, Jimin probably set down the cake and hugged Jungkook and started consoling JK and petting his head to calm him down like in Bring The Soul, like, “Why are you crying? Stop. You’re going to make me cry!”

Then he starts giving him all the presents he bought for him in Paris and Jungkook’s just like, “Jinja?Jinja? I really had no clue!” And when he opens the shirt Jimin bought for him, Jimin demands he puts it on that instant (like he demanded he put all his stuff in the bag he bought him last year) so that he could take a picture of him wearing the shirt. And Jungkook is so happy that he does it.

And Jimin is giving Jungkook (in the shirt he bought him in Paris with his messy fluffy hair) heart eyes like he did in the birthday bag bangtan bomb from last year because he’s so happy he pulled off his huge surprise, so he wants the world to know he did a good job and snaps a pic to post on Twitter.

Yeah, so that’s the theory/fan fic I wrote in my head based on everything we learned over the past few hours. Delulu as hell, but oddly, I also don’t feel like it’s too far fetched. And even if Jikook are just friends (though I do feel like they’re more), I still think Jimin planned this surprise for him because their bond is so great.

Even if only a fraction of this theory-verging-on-fan-fic turns out to be correct, Jimin is really such a sentimental, caring person. Can you imagine being this loved? Damn, I’m jealous.

#Jikook #Kookmin #Jimin #Jungkook

[cobalt-penguin]

y’know what i’m still feeling annoyed and petty, plus i’m stuck inside and it’s storming out so why not type out a checklist of what everyone in TOW did to me.

since i am mean and manipulative, petty and pathetic, and so much more? why not bring up some old beef and give ya’ll something to eat. 

Gansey: tried repeatedly to instigate drama -- if not actively break up -- my OC ships by encouraging -- through IC shenanigans -- cheating and lying. One of these happened while I was on vacation with my family and i still remember crying about it in a hotel bathroom because i thought one of my few ships in the RP was over and I hadn’t even been asked about it. This also included trying to get his OC Tomas to make IC/OOC (hey you can feign innocence when it’s in that dubiously OOC space, until its receptive in which case you can say it was IC the whole time!) at one of my ship partner’s OCs. Made repeated fat jokes at one of my fat characters (the same one they were clearly trying to get away from their partner...hmm...). Claimed I was always running to vague on my personal. Fair enough, I did, but they did the same thing. In poem form. Never answered my message about leaving the RP group because they felt ‘disrespected” by it. Repeatedly including untagged dubcon/noncon elements on the dashboard and triggering me. Lying to Ivy and me about having a full Overwatch party then trying to say “oh it just emptied you can join now”. hid this “FAR” idea from the rest of the RP community and then played coy when they got found out and asked about it by another anon (not me). Made fun of other RP groups in Tumblr tags then, when I asked them and their friends not to, was told “we’re a step above them.” Saying I was excluding them from things when I asked to play OW with them AND invited them to my horror RP group AND, only months beforehand, were inviting them to my Marvel RP??Trying to emotionally manipulate me through threatening to kill characters they had obviously grown tired of playing (probably because their major connections were to me and not their other friends) -- “haha i’m probably going to kill (my oc) idk but doesn’t that make you upset?? what will (your character) even do??” Engaging in nasty “”IC”” interactions with my character, basically telling me, through them, off, and being supported by the entire community in doing so. All of this really hurt me because I considered Gansey a friend and a major inspiration at one point in my life. Someone I non-jokingly looked up to and trusted. I feel like Gansey left TAR, our first RP group, because of how controlling, self-interested, petty, and mean-spirited the admins there were. That they were limiting other people’s creativity while building up their own narrative -- everyone else just there to be their audience. But you and Roman literally became Usa and Jen. Congrats. You lived long enough to become everything you’d rebelled against. And yes Gansey -- I saw all of your messages to everyone. Emotionally manipulating others -- telling them how terrible you are you don’t deserve their friendship, but would like to -- isn’t an apology. Its a tactic. Do better in the future. And despite me “blocking” you? There were a hundred ways to still reach out to me if that was what you really wanted. But let’s be real. It wasn’t. That was part of your gambit to. Goodbye. 

Rosie: asked literally EVERYONE about what had happened with the ““TOW explosion”” except me. never even asked my side of the story. Rosie I don’t even get because the other admins treated her like shit -- making her do all the coding and technical components for the entire RP -- but she was still defending them to the end. Okay. And then to treat Shelly like utter SHIT even though Reyne was running her passive-aggressive mouth off about people who couldn't even defend themselves? Amazing. Yeah, she’s the bully. Your perspective was so twitested by your biases that you were ready to victim blame Shelly just because Reyne had to run at the sight of someone actually throwing their bulltshit back at them. 

Reyne: Like Gansey, frequently indulged in cheating/cucking scnearios for fun -- again, including my own characters without asking or telling me. Don’t think Reyne ever apologized for this, IC or OOC. Dropped ships with me repeatedly -- leaving the group even -- without a word. Passive-aggressive to the max. Made a ship with Gansey just to play out her Teen Wolf OTP -- something that will never not be funny to me, when she called Gansey’s “character” Stiles. Smooth. 

Frankii: Repeatedly dropped me and my characters from plots. Gave me one of the most hurtful comments of my RP community by essentially being like “maybe if your plots and characters weren’t so confusing than more people would want to RP with you.” Invited to join my horror RP group and never made a character. also told me this after Gansey wrote that enormous callout about me, that Roman piggybacked on while the getting was good: “also I'm not here to advocate on behalf of my friend but I really don't think Gansey was trying to be rude last night, they can come off a certain way when they're stressed.” COOL. The rest of Frankii’s message I really appreciated, at the time, but, surprise surprise, then despite us being “cool” they never spoke to me again. 

Laura: I actually really liked Laura tbh but I guess she didn’t feel the same. Some of our interactions back in TAR were actually some of my favorites. I invited her to join my horror RP group and she never made a character. When I asked about this -- and if she needed any help making someone or wanted to leave -- she said she was working on it. Basically stonewalled me over time. Honestly though? Not a lot to say I actually think Laura is a good writer and pretty cool. Its just obvious who her friends were and I, stupidly, thought I was included in that. 

Anna: Actually I really liked Anna too tbh but I guess I vastly overestimated our friendship? It happens. Dropped me from one of her plots -- after talking to me about including me in one of hers because she felt “obligated” basically, from being featured in my own -- without mentioning why or talking to me about it. Invited to join new RP -- refused (not mad about this, just making note of it). Refused to follow my new account when I lost my old one because “lol they’re such a furry”. 

Roman: lmao where to even start. Roman was condescending and elitist literally from the beginning of TAR. barely acknowledged my existence until he had to.I started a plot with an open invitation to the entire RP group, with a deadline so I could start writing. Roman waits until its over and complains that they were left out. I include him anyway. Roman mocks the fact that I ask to tag or outright remove aphrodisiac dust -- because I don’t like seeing untagged dubcon/noncon on my dashboard, it upsets me a lot -- and then goes on a whole thread about it after I go to bed and can’t even defend myself. Apparently told his friends not to invite me to things because he doesn’t like me??? And then he has the nerve to be like communication is key and you can come talk anytime??? While having me on their public “friends” list with a description about me on his blog??? omfg...I literally can’t. To this day. Actually let this image speak for itself.

Everything Else: The repeated, childish treatment of strippers as immoral (””your character is stripping?? my character is so upset and is going to protect them!!”). The implication that characters who were stripping were also automatically sex workers. The continued references to my character, who owned this establishment, as being sleazy and manipulative. Also, honestly, what was with ya’ll adopting some random teenager into your OW groups? That was weird af. And then bringing some random person into TOW without asking anyone and trying to pull rank like “we’re the admin team and we can do whatever we want”. and shit-talking Meg and me in your “open forum” when all we wanted to do was get on with out lives. Like? Who cares? Ya’ll didn’t want me, at least, there anyway, clearly. You don’t get to exclude me then talk about how disrespectful and “wrong” the way I left was..........

Me: I didn’t do everything perfectly either. I know I could be passive-aggressive. I could be self-interested. I could make bitter comments. I dealt with feeling angry and upset by making memes -- which, I’m gonna be honest, I get why ya’ll were upset but I don’t regret either. I had spent so long in TAR/TOW with nobody interested in my characters and plots -- originally because I didn’t vid and played furries but, later, well.........see above -- that I did focus on my own narrative. I wasn’t invited to plots. I didn’t have sexy vampires and boy band werewolves. I played weird characters that didn’t fit the common niche of the cast of an angst and hookup filled supernatural YA novel. Maybe my plots were confusing but, honestly? It was because they were always going to be in the background. I wasn’t disinterested in anyone’s stories. I had just been left out of them for so long -- having to beg to even be a mention in a single mention -- that I had to make my own. I wasn’t there to just be an audience member to be aghast by Roman’s newest quirky boy or Gansey’s newest possessed twink. I was a writer. A member of the community. And, at the time? I thought a friend. Someone who deserved appreciation and respect. 

I know who my true friends are now. We did, ironically, exactly what you did -- we have out own group, our own setting, our own community. 

And I still live with the mean and manipulative things YALL said everyday. Even as an adult -- even with everything I’ve accomplished and am so proud of -- I’m still traumatized by being treated so poorly -- for years -- and not even realizing it. Something I’m still working on -- one of the many reasons I still have trust issues to this day. Congrats. That’s your legacy on me. aNYWAY

byeeeeeee