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#i fear im going to let u down one day with my opinions
trufflesmushroom · 5 months
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coworker called me ‘happy-go-lucky’ the other day. nearly gaped from the like. disbelief and indignation. its like wow good to know im able to mask super effectively at work but its like yeah wow holy shit what a reminder that u can never fully control how others view u and ppl can form some completely inaccurate opinions about who u r as a person based solely on outward appearances and shallow social interactions in strictly regulated settings and it can be astonishing.
like. basically everyone who has ever known me for a certain minimum period of time can very easily tell that im very much not happy-go-lucky in the least. in fact im unpleasantly intense about basically everything and extremely opinionated about shit no one cares about and most of the time im ticked off about the world and in fact assertive to a fault. but i dont take it out on ppl, and i try to achieve this balance of always staying true to myself and what i think and how i feel, and letting myself express it all, while maintaining like a basic awareness and decency about how it affects others. im loud and confident and it makes ppl assume im an extrovert when rlly i just dont have social anxiety or a fear of public speaking or any real insecurity to speak of in most spaces. im not energizing from being around other ppl tho. im simply unafraid and generally pretty genial. its still draining me. im still not like. idk. not just brainlessly happy. in fact im not a very happy person like objectively speaking. i dont remember if ive ever cried from happiness before. been thinking about that one a lot recently. maybe thats bad. maybe its normal. idk. but ppl still. even to this day. categorize my exuberant, expressive behavior as like. fucking manic pixie dream girl bullshit. im swiftly aging out of that archetype but it doesnt stop the typecasting. like no dude im not some sweet zany puppy. like im genuinely rlly dour. just because im not taking it out on others doesnt mean im not actually just completely serious about fucking everything inside and i cant turn it off. im this way because i strongly believe that its my right. its about conviction. it is completely purposeful. dont ever fucking doubt it. and why wouldnt i be on guard anyway, white man!!!! its not like being a gay trans asian diaspora disabled lower middle class [insert like ten other things here] fucking idiot ever made it okay to just let my guard down like ever!!!!!!! how dare u assume im not clinically anxious like u. fucking white man. happy-go-lucky my ass. the fucking implications. the mental associations. brainless. worry-free. sweet. free spirited. gtfo dude
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wigglesforsquiggles · 2 years
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1-10 >:]
this is the second time i've had to type this bc as i finished tbis it got DELETED ;-;
1. what are 3 things you'd say shaped you into who you are?
uhh one is definilty when i discovered you tube for the first time and promptly got sent down a medical rabbit hole, leading to my intense fear of rabies, seeing a dedication video to a dead child by their parents who were convinced he was jesus incarnated (as in, actual jesus, not a metaphor for being an angel), and the little part of my brain that diagnoses me with every disease i learn about
another would be kneeling on the landing next to my sibling late at night, watching my parents watch tv. you could just about see into the living room from there, and we often snuck down the first set of stairs to watch tv once we were sent up to bed bc we were bored children and didn't want to sleep. i always felt to proud whenever we heard my dad stand up (he has knees that click like a horse) and ran upstairs giggling before he could catch us out of bed. looking back we obviously made a lot of noise and were definitely not as subtle as we thought
lastly i'll say getting lost in this museum when i was like 5. there was this mini gift shop half way through the museum and i got distracted with an etch-a-sketch (it was the first time i had seen one) and fiddled with it for a while (i was trying to figure out how it made lines), and then i looked up and i was alone in a massive room. i must have cried a little, but i stayed where i was and waited for my parents to find me (despite wanting to go further into the museum to find them), and eventually they came back for me :D i can't remember if i went to an employee and told them i was lost or not but it was very scary at the time
I just remembered what i put originally for one of the paragraphs so u get an extra one. one time i read the part of the huger games where Rue dies 3 times a day for a week to make myself cry just to prove i could. i can't tell you a reason past i would still do this today if i used my kindle more
2. show us a picture of your handwriting?
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3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?
i must confess i almost never rewatch anything - my ability to watch films ourside a cinema is almost non existent anyways lmao
the only time ive rewatched any film is The Old Guard where i needed to show it to all my friends but could only hang out w them on different days, leading me to watch the film 5 times over 2 weeks.
maybe i'll say the mama mia films bc ive only watched them w friends and it's just fun to sing along
4. what's an inside joke you have with your family or friends?
ok, do not question me with this but "arson" being a code word for incest
i will not explain more than telling you lockdown was a weird time and a conversation that starting with immortal fairies having dna lead to this
it's very funny thoigh when i randomly hear the word and this specific firend and i make eye contact, trying not to laugh at a joke only we know
5. what made you start your blog?
i saw so many tumblr posts screenshotted in instsgram, and i finally caved and got in on the action :D
6. what's the best and worst part of being online/a creator?
best - making friends :D i love being able to talk to people all over the world and just ask how they are and see their opinions. @ ing ppl on posts that make me think of them is an unmatched joy :D
worst - the discourse. i get upset rly easily and also am still working on my critical thinking skills so it's easy for me to get caught up in drama and let it affect me emotionally. i only rly. price it when im offline for a few days and go: wow i feel so normal
7. what scares you the most and why?
death, mostly. i used to stay up late at night and cry silently because i was so scared about not existing anymore. simply my mind being gone and not being able to do anything about it. but i just don't think about it anymore and it's all good :D
8. any reoccurring dreams?
like 30% of my dreams are reoccurring actually. all my dreams are incredibly vivid and nonsensical (more random plot points being put together like a game of madlibs more than anything else)
i guess i'll say the one about being stuck in a water parkour course in a pair, (with the aesthetic of fire bot and water girl) and finally climbing up a vine with my partner after being faster than everyone else, and getting to attend a lesson on how to have lesbian sex - in a room like my local gym (and worrying bc i wasn't out in this dream)
9. tell a story about your childhood
i got to play moshi monsters for the first time on my mums red laptop on the island counter at age 9 i think - but i had to stand up because my foot was in a blue container filled with salt water because there was a splinter the length and width of my pinky stuck in the bottom of it
i later went to a&e to get it taken out after a day because it took that long to convince me to go to the hospital (i was terrified of pain and medicine and wouldn't let anyone touch it). the doctor that saw me was very nice and used numbing spray (very cold) and got it out in under 5 seconds. to this day the only time ive been in hospital bar being a baby.
10. would you say you're an emotional person?
oh 100% - it's a meme amongst my friends at this point. i was assigned those greyhounds that jenna marbles has that look like they're crying all the time , for reasons you can guess
i also feel things very intensely, happiness anger and fear are all very overwhelming to me and it's only in the past few years ive been able to get them partly under control
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debththrets · 2 years
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anyways i wanted to discuss something in a conversational way.. it's not happening on edtwt no way. those bitches are crazy. but..
i saw something that said "if you're anorexic, you can't say you're not fatphobic, because you're scared of gaining weight." im not really sure how to feel about this take. obviously being anorexic is a "bit" deeper than just wanting to lose weight. for me it's about Control. fasting all day and only eating parts of my food make me feel in control and safe. watching the scale number go down means i'm in control of myself. if it goes up, it's scary and not what was supposed to happen... anorexia is generally a trauma response or a coping mechanism, not out of hatred of fat people
but i also can't say i'm not scared of gaining weight either. i am, but it's not because i hate fat people OBVIOUSLY. that's fucking insane. but being anorexic for so long warps your perception of reality like a Mother Fucker.. when food is the only thing you feel like you can control- when it's not working- you fucking spiralll bruhhh... in my experience, gaining weight has led me to the worst moments of my life, not because of the sheer fact that i gained, but because i let it happen. i lost control of myself which means i gained weight. i Need the control Back. aka failed recovery.
idk its a weird asf take a saw. they were 14 but like man... anorexia is the want to lose weight disorder but there's so much more to it. anorexia isn't fatphobic- you can't shame a bunch of mentally ill people who freak out and will do everything in their power to avoid one too many strawberries... to call that fatphobic just seems to ignore the nuanced reality of being anorexic. i go through periods where i think "this is stupid. i hate my existence everyday by doing this. i want to eat like normal" and everytime it feels like my life is falling apart when i do bc it's different. it's not safe. i don't know exactly what i'm eating so how can i be sure that it's okay? that it's safe to behave like this?? i sound annoyingly deep but that's how my anorexic experience has been.
i mean, what are you supposed to tell people who are overweight and anorexic? "oh you're just fatphobic" ..??? no??? and what about when they're in a healthier bmi range? suddenly then they Are fatphobic??? overweight people Can be fatphobic i mean objectively someone whose overweight can hate other people for being overweight. but someone being fatphobic SOLELY because they have anorexia?? is a weird take.
tl;dr: anorexia is a lot deeper than "being scared of gaining weight". i feel like any reasonable therapist could tell you that. it's a symptom of anorexia to have an irrational fear of weight gain, but that doesn't make somebody fatphobic. it's not fatphobic to lose weight in general.
uhh i think my replies are off but i don't know how to fix it sorry.... if someone reads this and has some awesome input i'd love to hear other opinions on this. if u can dm me do that i guess if you wanna discuss it philosophy style!! :) my anorexia experience is different from everybody else's, no one has the exact same experience probably.. that's just mental illness.
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rrxnjun · 1 year
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IM SORRY FOR ANSWERING SO SUPER LATE LIFE GOT SO HECTIC ALL OF THE SUDDEN☹️
STILL WITH THE TAKE THE STAIRS FIC U GAVE ME LIFE WITH IT ACTUALLY IT WAS SO NICE TO JUST TURN MY BRAIN OFF AND READ IT SO I THANK U FOR IT!! and like actually need a jaemin in my life istg!! AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE TEASER OF UR NEW CHENLE FIC!!! IT ALREADY SEEMS SO FUN!! SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! 🥳🤭
I AGREE I WOULD ALSO RATHER JUST GOOGLE THE END OF THE SHOW!!
AHH I HOPE U FOUND SOME ARTISTS SINCE THEN!!! AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF UR DAY AND TRANSLATING FOR ME!! IM SURE U ARE VERY BUSY AS WELL SO THANK U SO MUCH I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!🥹🥹💝💓 and my god the lyrics are so☹️☹️☹️ it's just such a great song and now it even got so much better with understanding it!!!🥲
WELL IF IT DOES HAPPEN I WILL BE HERE XD parents smh /j (but like actually i understand them cuz traveling alone can be risky☹️) thank u i hope we will figure something out if it does happen🥹🥹
IM GLAD THAT U ARE DONE WITH ONE OF UR ESSAYS ALREADY!! AND I HOPE SINCE MY LAST ASK U STILL ARE DOING GOOD WITH UR SCHOOL WORK AND STUFF🥳
I LOVE UR POSTS THERE LMAO SO DONT BE SORRY and ofc i agree!!! zach was my fav from the why dont we boys🤭 OH MY I HAVENT HEARD ABOUT THE VAMPS IN AGES damn now i'm gonna go and listen to them😵‍💫(also saw that u turned into a treasure stan🫣 and ur take on jikjin!! it's such a great song glad u listened to it!!!)
(liebestraum anon💕 and sorry if i disappear again and for writing a lot i swear i will try and keep it short for once☹️)
AHH ITS TOTALLY OKAY!!!! cant say i didnt miss you but i ofc understand that u have your own life and responsibilities and such,, so dont worry about it🤍🤍 AND THANK U SM AGAIN!!!
DJDJSJ MY CHENLE FIC IS FUN BUT THEN IT GETS DEPRESSING REAL QUICK SO UHHH HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR SOME ANGST ;-; (also i started rewriting liebestraum. just thought i'd let you know<3)
im super glad u enjoyed my translation!! the lyrics are really screamable in my opinion,,, and i also hope i did them justice however i bet i did a better job than all of the ones i saw online :p its not the best artistic lyricism but i like it nonetheless DJSK sometimes u need simple songs to jam to.
travelling alone COULD be risky </3 me and my uni friends randomly travelled to vienna last week because it was warm out and we thought our seasonal depression was finally over and i love me some spontaneous decisions but also it was so anxiety inducing bc it was my first time going abroad with no supervision 😭😭 we had SO much fun but also the stress we were put through to find the bus platform back home ??? never again. was so bad that i broke my 5 month streak of not smoking bc i had to calm myself down somehow and then i was put through the stress of buying cigarettes in german when i caNT SPEAK GOOD GERMAN but 10/10 i would do it again and it made me more confident abt travelling with friends so i WILL drag my equally spontaneous uni friends to budapest as soon as i can. (please tell me they speak at least a little english there)
I AM ACTUALLY DONE W 4 ESSAYS NOW WHOOP WHOOP ‼‼‼ 4 MORE TO GO BUT IM DOING WELL NO STRESS SO FAR. HOPE YOUR SCHOOL IS GOING WELL TOO!
wait do u rlly bc i think im so annoying on there sometimes like girl chill😭😭 but ZACH WAS ALWAYS MY FAV TOO altho i did have a daniel phase. I havent listened to the vamps in ages either i should catch up or sum ;-;
omg dont mention the teumefication of bar i wont admit it to myself yet DHSKSK however jikjin is now my fav song and i fear seeing my 2023 spotify wrapped bc of it now. ive also been watching a concerning amount of treasure map and finding myself in love with jihoon but thats...not important rn.
ill be waiting for u liebestraum anon!!! dw abt sending long asks i always look forward to them🤍 hope your days are filled with joy mwah
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relaxxattack · 3 years
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hi im asking u this bc u seem to be bee duo enthusiast so
ive been calling c! beeduos relationship platonic because i thought that was what their cc’s said, and i thought they had said that they were uncomfortable with ppl shipping the characters. But ive seen a lot of posts that say their relationship is canonically romantic? and i absolutely do not want to come across as homophobic by watering down a mlm relationship to just friends because that happens so much in media so.
what is the canon state of their relationship / ur opinions on the platonic thibg
dont worry abt answering if u dont want to!! i see a lot of differing opinions and i trust yours :)
aw it’s totally fine, im flattered you asked me about this!
let me put it simply: it’s a whole mess, lol.
first im going to talk about what’s happened fandom-wide that caused differing opinions, and then i’ll explain my own opinion/interpretation. :]
(this got really fucking long im so sorry)
ranboo and tubbo initially proclaimed the relationship was romantic, specifically in argument with the wiki editors who had set it as platonic by default. (you can see this in the vod where they decide they’re canonically married— it’s very funny. chat tells them the marriage is already on the wiki, they check, tubbo is jokingly offended that it says platonic and asks if he needs to up the romance).
tubbo also makes jokes about adultry, which sort of implies the relationship is not necessarily a platonic one.
(theres definetly more in that stream alone but it’s been a long time since i watched it so i don’t remember a lot of it.)
the wiki, because of this, suffers from going back and forth on platonic and romantic, seemingly unsure where the joke ends and the canon begins, or if its canonically a joke! a mess, as you can already tell.
this gets more complicated as the marriage bit goes on: outsiders, such as phil and scott, both at one point say “platonic marriage”, which then ranboo and tubbo agree with. however, when chat asks them if they’re platonic, they say the opposite. so there is a lot of confusion there.
there’s also the difficulty of being able to tell streamers and characters apart. ranboo and tubbo both don’t like being shipped irl, and that’s their boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. (they’re also minors, but tbh when they’re 18 in a year i will still be following their boundaries regardless of their legal age).
due to people not wanting to be accused of minor shipping, they started adding the platonic tone indicator to most of their drawings— basically a way of saying “no homo”. meanwhile, tubbo frequently on stream flirts with ranboo and makes quite a bit of nsfw comments towards him that are frankly hilarious.
this goes on for a while with nobody really sure what’s canon, but a lot of people assuming it’s probably platonic, until: the drama of the mods night. a few mods dmed all the wiki editors telling them ranboo wanted his canon character relationship officially set to platonic.
unfortunately for those mods; the very same day, a few hours later, ranboo on stream makes fun of puffy delivering him and tubbo “friendship flowers”. because, and i quote, “bruh. we’re literally married. this must be how the ancient greeks felt.”
in case you don’t know, the internet often jokes about how historians will call ancient greeks ‘very good friends’ when they are quite obviously gay. so in this context, ranboo is joking that people will call him and c!tubbo, who are married, “close friends”, when he doesn’t think they are.
basically, ranboo canonized romantic bee duo, the very same day the mods told everyone he’d wanted a platonic one.
chaos and drama immediately erupted everywhere. on tumblr, we were talking about how weird it was of his mods to do something like that without asking him first. we ALSO talked about how weird it was of them to assume that ranboo can’t make his own decisions, or assume teenagers cannot be in relationships without it being sexual. twitter did the same thing but in the opposite direction: called ranboo mods homophobic, or said they were mad ranboo felt pressured into making a romantic relationship canon ‘just so people could have mlm rep.’
i dont want to go into detail about the drama that happened that night because apparently official people follow me and i dont want to stir it up or have them come “clarify” things. im just saying what we talked about.
ranboo in typical ranboo fashion apologized quickly and seriously. he was deeply sorry for possibly offending anyone with how he’d portrayed his rp relationship with tubbo, and he also assured everyone the mod thing was just a miscommunication.
he said he would talk to tubbo and they’d decide once and for all whether it was platonic or romantic, and then announce so everyone would know.
it’s now been a few months and we've had no word from them on that development. we still have no clue.
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now, here’s my opinion:
i want to take ranboos word for it that it was a miscommunication with his mods, but... we had it on good authority from people on the wiki team and people in the discord with the mods that (while it was happening) they were really going after the wiki admins, and also made some weird comments about it. that combined with the way ranboo seemingly had no clue (considering he canonized their romance that very same day).... it’s very. sus of the mods.
then there’s the canon we’ve got since then. although occasionally adults in the room have called it a “platonic marriage” and tubbo once (back when it first started) called it a “plankton tectonic” marriage, in roleplay it’s been... kind of not that. tubbo and ranboo make nsfw jokes about each other in character, and their characters also share a master bedroom and bed in the mansion. there's also the way c!tommy really thinks it’s a romance between them as well, and they agree with and play off that— for instance confirming that they “fell in love” when he asked, or ranboo confirming that they “make out on occasion”.
people will still put platonic on their art and posts, imo, because they’re worried about breaking ranboo and tubbo’s irl boundaries by looking like they ship them. or even just being accused of shipping real life minors. and that’s a valid fear to have.
the thing is though: c!bee duo are not cc!bee duo. they’re roleplay characters. cc!bee duo are not okay with being shipped, but they made their characters get canonically married, and call each other “husbands”. so it’s okay to write the word “husband” in your comic without adding “platonic” to it, i promise.
telling the ccs that their characters have to be platonic is... weird. it comes off as not only babying them, but also as saying teens can’t date without it being gross. which isn’t true.
(this is why seeing people overuse “platonic husband” so much bothers me. like, they ARE husbands. you can just say it. what are you trying to hide...?)
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do i think they’re canonically romantic? ehh, its likely. it’s still okay to interpret them as platonic, because again, it’s hard to tell where jokes end and roleplay begins. like, maybe it’s jokes in the rp too, and c!bee duo are just friends. friends can and should be allowed to make jokes like that with each other! aro & ace marriages exist!
or, maybe it’s actually part of the rp, and they’re very much romantic. we don’t know!
some people say they could be a qpr (queerplatonic romance), which i could see. (a qpr is a relationship that fluctuates between, or can’t quite be sorted into, “romantic” and “platonic”. people in a qpr can do romantic things while having platonic feelings for each other). in my opinion this is a very valid interpretation as well!
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CONCLUSION (sorry this got so long omfg):
are c!bee duo romantic?
its likely, but you can still interpret them however you like!
should i put /p on bee duo content?
ehhh? i find it annoying when it’s overused (as do others), but if you’re worried you can. its up to preference. putting it too much is weird though
should i put /p on things cc! bee duo do?
no. you’re not the one saying it so you can’t decide the tone tags for that. imagine you said something to your friend and a random stranger came up and was like “haha but that was /p right...?”
can i ship c!bee duo?
mmm. i’m not sure on this one. they are canonically married and very flirtatious, but the ccs don’t like being shipped and they’re close enough to being the ccs that actively shipping might be against boundaries.
can i treat c!bee duo as romantic?
yes. literally just don’t be weird about it. it’s not that hard! you can understand that two characters are husbands without making it weird
here’s the most important thing: boundaries. cc bee duo still haven’t told us what their preferences and canon is about this whole thing.
right now, i am assuming based on what they already show us they’re comfortable with, but! the second they give us any more info! all these opinions will change!
i am only going off what they do. i would never want to cross boundaries at all. i just wish they would make theirs a little more clear.
..... i hope that helped anon, i went way off the rails... i need to go to sleep.
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9tzuyu · 3 years
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closest to me
prompt: coming out to natasha as nonbinary
note: totally meant to write this months ago, but whateverrrr. and yes, i am aware that not all nb people use they/them, this was just my own little work :p.
warnings: being scared to come out to ur sexy redhead russian of a gf :[
i’d tag but i also don’t want to somehow trigger someone :[
thank u moli for proofreading i love u to the moon and back.
. . .
you’d come out to two of your close friends, ones you knew wouldn’t judge you. they’d taken it just as expected, but that was no surprise when you’d known them your entire life. your shared opinions and thoughts were what brought you together in the first place. 
your friends immediately began using your correct pronouns, and you’d never felt more right in your life. it was refreshing to hear yourself being referred by they/them rather than she/her. their constant support made you feel normal again. after so much struggling, things were finally being put into place.
but there was one person, one very important person whom you hadn’t come out to yet, and that was your girlfriend.
natasha.
the thought of having the conversation alone with her was terrifying. granted, you knew she’d never be anything but supportive, but all the what if’s came flooding through with each attempt you made. 
your fingers trembled as you fiddled with the silver chain around your neck, a nervous habit you’d seemed to form over the years of wearing it. 
god you wanted to tell her so bad.
but as you stood in the kitchen, natasha’s hands around your waist, you began to panic all over again. the familiar fear of judgment wrapped around your throat. 
you didn’t know natasha the majority of your life like you did with friends, so you weren’t really sure what her exact opinions on different pronouns were. sure, she was part of the lgbt community, and of course she was supportive of trans people, but it still made you wonder how she’d feel about pronouns that weren’t he/him or she/her. 
“what’s on your mind, baby? i can practically hear the gears turning in your head.” 
you sighed. natasha always knew when you were lying, so you couldn’t make something up off the top of your head. she wouldn’t force you to talk either though. she’d give a push, but nothing more until you were certain you were ready — or in some cases, when she knew it was becoming too much to bear on your own. 
“just dumb stuff. i’ll get over it soon.” 
natasha nodded against your back, containing her concern for now. “you know i’m here.” she whispered, taking one of your hands away from your necklace.
“want to go downtown? we can look at some of the new shops that just opened up” 
you smiled, “sure.”
for the next few weeks, you weren’t seeming to find any relief though, and natasha picked up on it. she tried her best to make things easier for you, but none of it seemed to work. 
time and time again you reassured her that nothing was wrong, that things would clear up on their own, but another month down the road and natasha could still sense that something was eating away at you.
it’d gotten a little more obvious now. you didn’t go out as much with her when she was with her friends. the constant referral to you as something, or someone, you weren’t was a steady reminder of how outcast you’d originally felt when coming to terms with who you are. 
“she/her” felt like a slap in the face every time you heard it. the words were exhausting, damn near agonizing to hear. but day after day you tried to suck it up out of fear of being rejected by one of the very special people you loved most. 
it wasn’t until one sunday night when natasha came home to you crying in your shared bed when she’d finally had enough. her worry was through the roof and seeing you struggle so much pained her. 
she dropped her keys on the nightstand and crawled into bed behind you, securing her arms tightly around your figure. 
“talk to me. whatever it is, i want to hear about it.”
but that only made you cry harder. you couldn’t help but feel more alienated than you already felt. why were you crying over such a stupid little thing? you could already hear the false words slip from natasha’s lips.
“hey, baby. shh, shh, you’re okay.”
you turned your body to face natasha, teary eyes looking into hers. “you might hate me, or think i’m weird, or a freak, or that i’m just confused.” 
your girlfriend gently combed through your hair with her nails. “i could never think those things about you. please tell me what this is about because i have no idea and i just want to help.”
her steady hand movement rubbing your arm while the other twirled your hand between her fingertips eventually brought you to a more reasonable state. 
“you know how trans people typically go by their opposing pronouns?”
“mhm.”
“well... i don’t- i just- god this is so frustrating!” you frowned, unconsciously grasping at the chain around your neck.
“are you trying to tell me you’re trans?”
“no, no, it’s not that. well, i don’t think so, depends on who you talk to. some people like me consider themselves to be classified under the trans umbrella, but not everyone.” 
natasha hummed once more while tracing small shapes against your skin. 
“what do you think of nonbinary people? like, you know, those who don’t use she/her or he/him?” 
she shrugged, and your heart sank for a brief second before she spoke. “i don’t have a problem with it. why?”
“i don’t like being referred to as she/her. my pronouns are they/them. i’m not a man and i’m not a woman... will that ever bother you?”
a smile broke out across the redhead’s face. “doesn’t bother me one single bit. i love you for you, y/n. not for who you think you’re supposed to be.” 
relief was all you could feel. as cliche as it sounded, the weight of the world felt like it had been lifted from your shoulders. you didn’t have to worry anymore, not while natasha was around.
“is this what’s been bothering you for so long?”
you reached over and grabbed a loose red strand, it was your turn to play with her hair. “yeah. i knew you wouldn’t judge, but-”
“what if.” she confirmed and you nodded. 
“does anyone else know?”
“just my two friends i grew up with.”
“no one else?” you shook your head, looping a red curl around your finger. “nope.”
“is that why you stopped hanging out with me, tony, clint and the rest of them? because everyone referred to you as she and her?”
“yeah, felt like a punch in the stomach every time i heard it. made me feel weird, not normal i guess.” you mumbled, almost embarrassed by the confession.
natasha placed a long kiss on the top of your head, rubbing your back for extra support. “they would never judge you, i’d cut them off in a heartbeat if they did. if it helps any, i can ask how they feel about it? poke around some and let you know what they say? then when they don’t have a problem with it, which they won’t, you can come out when you’re ready, yeah?”
you nodded again, although it was slightly hesitant. “sounds good.”
“forgive me if i mess up a couple of times. i’ll try not to make a big deal out of it and just correct myself.” another kiss was delivered to your head.
“oh! last question. promise.”
“yes?”
“when im around other people and you’re not with me do you want me to use they/them? i don’t want to out you when you’re not ready.”
“i swear you’re perfect,” you giggled. “but you can use they/them both when im with you and when i’m not. just try to keep it casual? please?”
“anything for you, sweetheart.”
164 notes · View notes
youn9racha · 3 years
Note
can you do dilf tropes for skz? (each member has a dilf trope kinda thing) 🙏🏼
Ella’s Thoughts #14 (??) (requested)
hmm i’m not sure about that one, but i’ll give it a try. also i assume you mean it in a wholesome way, so i practically made it as them as dads 💀💀💀 i hope its not a problem.
Headcanons: Stray Kids as dilfs/dads
Chan
Unpopular opinion: i see chan being more of a stepdad dilf rather than a biological dilf (no i do not mean it like that, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER !!) he strikes me as the type to not want children but he would love to take care of them nonetheless. like a non-dilf dilf type of guy (like he is rn lmfao.) he does not by any means hates children, he would love to have kids with you if you both want to. he just feels having a kids is too much, and its enough that he serves as a father figure to not only seven boys, but also to some stays, i think he would better off taking care of the boys’ kids or your kids of a previous relationship rather than having actual ones.
BUT if he were to have kids, its not any different from the way he treats his members. i mean there‘s an obvious difference, but he would still be that goofy, caring yet slightly strict father who constantly looks after his kids, especially if his kid is a girl, but it wouldn’t be any different if his kid was a boy as well.
oh and he’s a silver fox dilf like i’ve mentioned in the past :)
Minho
I mean ain’t he technically a dilf (along with chan) ???? mans already has three cats, ain’t that enough ??? no jk, minho’s the type of dilf who’s very chill and nonchalant about the way he’s handling his child. Like he strikes me as the type of dad dilf who would ignore his child’s cry for attention, but obviously it would be a totally different story if his kid, lets say, gets injured, there he would be this comforting dad who would both tend his child’s wound and also try to make them smile by making goofy sounds and faces.
I can also see him enabling his child’s chaotic antics. as long as no one’s hurt or crying, he’s not stopping them.
all in all; Minho’s a 3 c’s dilf; chill, chaotic yet cherishing.
Changbin
Oh boy is this man’s a child. i think he’d be more like Minho, but has a little bit of Chan element to it. He has the tendency to be very childish and he allows himself to be kid-like with his kids, however he does happen to discipline his kid when his kid has done something wrong. He still however acts all goofy and he sometimes makes baby faces and noises to his kid in order to make them laugh when they’re younger, or endearingly embarrass them when they get older
He‘s definitely more freeing than Chan, but he’s less lenient than Minho when it comes to parenting, however he’s a baby dilf, so be it.
Hyunjin
Again, this man’s already a father of a dog, kami, so he’s a technically dilf as well. He’s the type of dilf who’s very stylish and attractive to anyone of all age demographics, and he knows it. He would also SPOIL THE SHIT out of his child. he may also match his child with his outfit. like if i’m wearing burberry, my child’s wearing burberry.
All in all, Hyunjin’s a stylish rich daddy >:)
Jisung
How can someone gives off teen dad vibes despite being in his twenties and does not even have a pet, let alone a child? for some reason, jisung gives off that vibes. Don’t get me wrong, he’d definitely be affectionate and caring, but you can’t tell me that this man isn’r the most unprepared and anxious dad ever. Like every new parent, he does feel scared to carry a baby, in fear of dropping it, but his child would be 18 years old and he’d still be anxious as fuck.
All in all, he’s a caring and kind dilf but this man is a nervous wreck, he’s a cause for disaster most time. But he is cute, so he can get a pass lmffaooo.
Felix
ngl i’ll probably cry writing this…. cry of laughter, because gOD IS HE MORE EMBARRASSING THAN JISUNG !!! idk whats my vendetta against felix, but on god i love this kid so much. YES KID, because you going take care of two kids rather than one, you’re a single parent, i’m sorry.
in all seriousness, he’s a child parent, and he often is seen silding down the slide with his child in his lap. He constantly makes that baby voice he makes at times. He’s also the perfect guy to read his kid a bed time story, and he would also have a bake day with his child as well <3333 nahh he’d be an adorable ass dilf no joke.
Seungmin
this man… he is a savage in itself, and you think his kid, the literally creature that came out of his testes, would get a special treatment? think again, because he would absolutely drag his child through the mud. i obviously don’t think this man would do anything to hurt his child, emotionally or physically. think of it as a father-child banter between them. bonus if his child happens to have the same personality as him.
he does get all intimidating when mad, which envokes fear onto anyone close to him, however i still do think he’d be a fine ass dilf…. he just needs to shut his smart ass up before i beat him and his child u—
Jeongin
He’s giving felix and jisung here as well. clueless, scared, and anxious. mans a baby, why the fuck would you give him a child? he’d hold the child with his eyes wide open and be like “…. wait thats mine?! help me!” in a panicking voice making him and the baby cry.
he would be the type of dad who would let his child off the hook most of the times. he gives off “my child isn’t wrong, you are” vibes highkey. He also is the type of dad who would yell at his child for not cheating at an online class. what i’m saying is he’s a weird dilf thats all im saying lmfao
oh you disagree ? THATS TOO BAD I DON’T CARE !!! //j
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teklarn · 3 years
Text
𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾 (𝓹𝓽. 2)
 character(s): katsuki bakugou x gn!reader 
a/n: ok so i just started writing on tumblr and honestly in my opinion for my first time posting smth on this the first part did really well thank u for all the likes :) (told from second pov; e.g you, your) reblogs are greatly appreciated :))
summary: bakugou x gn!reader. they have feelings for one another but have no idea how to express them, however y/n has someone pining for their attention. 
genre: a lil bit angsty 
warnings: cursing, jealousy, mutual pining, slow burn romance, aged-up to third year, love triangle (square?), physical injuries, kirishima gets a little toxic, also shirtless bakugou (awooga), a crap ton of time skips bc i can’t write action scenes for shit, bakugou is a flirt (lowkey but yeah), mentions of blood 
word count: 2112
pt 1 , pt 3
- - - 
kirishima had broken the skin on his lower lip with how hard he was biting it. he stood in the bathroom, rinsing his mouth, ignoring the slight sting the water brought. 
y/n was currently being blasted by bakugou, and they were fighting back. 
jealousy panged in his chest. 
bakugou had never let him know about how he felt about you, however kirishima was sure he felt something for them. you and bakugou were both a jumble of prideful and longing stares towards each other from across every room. the tension was thick enough to slice through. and while kirishima would never make a move in fear of ruining the friendship between him and bakugou, as well as him and y/n, gosh it didn’t stop him from wanting to. 
he’d stood on the side, cheering you on to no end. the sports festival last year, the year before that, training exercises, he was always there. kirishima was always there. 
whenever you needed him, whenever you wanted his company. so what did bakugou have over him? sure, the blond was strong and had bigger goals than kirishima, but why should that matter? 
what did bakugou have? why would you want him more when he was never near you? never made an effort to see you to be there when you asked for help. 
it was popular belief that bakugou was a noisy idiot, but he was actually quite a quiet boy. he didn’t bother to raise his hand in class, however he always knew the answer. he spoke rarely and only made conversation with those he was close with if they were the ones to make the effort to converse with him first. 
jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. kirishima despised it. 
whenever did he begin wanting to beat bakugou at something? 
the cloud of guilt welling up in his chest was going to become unbearable, and soon everything he ever wanted to say was going to come up like word vomit at the worst possible time. 
you swiped at your cheek, brushing off the crumbling dirt. your timing had been off, and their flip backwards had landed you in an awkward position. a vulnerable one. 
honestly, though, it wasn’t like it really mattered. bakugou was a bit transparent himself. he wore a smug look like a golden medal, and held back his power just enough to keep you on your feet. 
his cocky attitude was irritating and it drew you in like a moth drawn to a lamp. 
sweat was beading down your temple. the day was exceptionally hot, the sun beaming down on your back like a proud child. 
you and bakugou had been at it for a while. with anyone else, you would have quit by now. it’s not that you gave up easily. no, not ever. but fights could get boring, especially if you were just smashing away at them with your quirk and they were acting like they could take it. 
perhaps you were being cocky. 
this fight, though. this was interesting. not only because it was bakugou; also because you knew so little about him. 
it was likely he never shared anything important to anyone. he was quite introverted. 
it was interesting for another reason. 
it was hot, bakugou sweats a lot. gosh, he looked delicious without a shirt on. he had a built figure accompanied by strong arms and a broad chest. 
he’d filled out quite nicely the past few years. you hadn’t noticed until now how much he’d grown. 
“don’t get distracted.” 
your eyes snapped up from his chest to his eyes. bakugou became a blur, shooting himself off the ground and flipping once in the air before propelling himself back down. 
before you could do anything, bakugou had you pinned, one leg pinning yours, both his hands wrapped around your wrists. he’d ditched his gauntlets, leaving the metal assistants in the sweltering heat, claiming he wanted to give you an equal fight. 
he panted atop you, hands tightening. 
tokage didn’t bother to leave her dorm today, thank goodness. it had just been the three of you. you, bakugou, and kirishima. 
the red head had suspiciously vanished halfway through the fight, though.
bakugou’s crimson eyes bored into yours. neither of you blinked for a moment. perhaps just a small eternity each of you silently reveled in. 
his erratic breaths slowed, and so did yours, although you stayed the same. unmoving, faces neutral but eyes giving away long-held secrets. 
your ears flushed, and butterflies came rising up uncontrollably. you should have pushed him off. instead you gave him a wicked grin, which earned a look from him and you couldn’t tell if he was confused or annoyed. 
“your big ass forehead is blocking the bright-as-hell sun. stay like this,” you mocked, wrenching your wrists from his grasp and snaking your arms around his neck. 
his cheeks burned red. “w-what?” 
“you heard me.” 
he scoffed, tugging you off his neck and standing. “shut up, shitface. we aren’t even done yet.” he readied himself in a fighting stance once more. 
“i thought you said you wanted to stop when you won?” you brushed yourself off as you stood. 
“i know what i said. you probably weren’t even giving it your all.” 
“’course i was.” you cocked your head. “why wouldn’t i?” 
“you’re strong, damn idiot.” 
you feigned surprise, pressed a hand to your fluttering chest. “the bakugou, dynamight himself, complimenting a humble soul like me? oh, i really must be good, then.” 
“not as good as me.” his face dropped from a smile. bakugou never got enough training no matter how early or late he stayed up, or how many hours on the weekends were spent kicking a bag or sparring with friends. hard workers did all of the work there was a still wondered if they were doing enough. the number one spot wasn’t empty, but it was still reserved for dynamight. 
y/n had collapsed on their bed. kirishima was itching to tell them how he felt, however he was stuck at the doorway. 
they weren’t even dressed for bed, nor were they showered. 
he settled with leaving his friend alone, and shut the door softly to find bakugou standing right behind him. 
kirishima jumped back, closing his eyes in relief. “bakugou. what the heck man?” 
“you’re creepy as shit.” 
“i- what? you were the one staring at me while i-” 
“while you peeped in on y/n?” 
“i wasn’t peeping. i walked them back after the fight and they just collapsed. you were off doing something else and you worked them too hard.” 
it wasn’t a shock that bakugou was still riled up from the duel. this boy had the energy of a mad man. 
when bakugou didn’t say anything, kirishima said once again, “you overworked them.” 
bakugou swat away the comment. “only because they’re not working hard enough.” 
kirishima raised an eyebrow. “they work hard. they’re perfectly fine.” 
“fine?” 
“they’re amazing.”
“i know that, shitty hair. you think i’m blind?” 
“everyone can make improvements at their own pace.” kirishima’s voice dropped. 
“you train with me.” 
“it’s an hour before curfew.” 
bakugou jut a thumb in the direction of the door. “so? maybe you need some more practice, too,” he joked. 
“you’re an ass, bakugou,” kirishima released a breathy chuckle. 
the two wandered off to one of the training grounds. it was open, a wide court where they’d both kicked someone else’s ass. 
the sun was just setting, a new cool breeze coming to fill the spot of the violent sun rays. 
it was routine to fight each other out of nowhere. kirishima was usually quite playful, spewing jokes once in a while and taunting his friend. 
this fight was different. his face was stone-cold. kirishima often took the defensive role, as his quirk didn’t allow him to project any direct attacks to bakugou.
it wasn’t like kirishima was angry at bakugou, but as soon as they started charging towards one another, he couldn’t hold back. his chest tightened, arms hardening and joints becoming strong and stiff. 
with one clean sweep of his arm, bakugou was backing away from kirishima, propelling himself to the edge of the arena with a small blast. he’d always been up for a challenge. kirishima was willing to give him one. 
his sudden competitive demeanor seemed to be egging on bakugou’s. the blond tongued the inside of his cheek, grunting as he shot forth, hair flying wildly. 
swiftly, kirishima dodged, just barely missing a blast. his torso wasn’t hardened, so if he’d dodged any later, his stomach would have been scorched. 
bakugou always took their fights seriously. he knew better than to underestimate the boy who had put together his very own rescue mission. 
kirishima’s opponent stumbled from the momentum. he took his chance and brought a hardened elbow down on bakugou’s back, hearing a satisfying crack. 
bakugou was crushed to the ground with the hit. his face smashed into the sandy ground. he coughed, turning over and spitting dirt to the side. 
it took a moment for him to register what he did, but kirishima was at bakugou’s side within seconds. the sun was nearly gone, a pale blue sky flickering with the first sights of stars. 
it was hard to make it out at first, but not impossible. kirishima saw the blood dripping and smeared just above bakugou’s lip. he groaned, cupping his face in both hands as he sat upright. 
“argh” bakugou gasped. “shit, kirishima. what the hell?” 
“i...i’m sorry dude, i didn’t mean to.” i wanted to, but i didn’t mean to. 
bakugou raised an eyebrow and let a smile seep through his pain. “you’re improving, though.” 
“are you alright?” kirishima traced the small cut on his lip from earlier with the tip of his tongue. 
“i’m fine, i’m fine.” bakugou swatted his hand away. he struggled to get up, refusing kirishima’s help. 
“we should head back before this gets any worse.” 
bakugou kept his large hands hovering under his chin to catch the dripping and occasional chunks of blood.  
although he wanted the duel to continue (it was finally interesting) bakugou wasn’t stubborn enough to keep going. so he nodded, once again denying kirishima’s efforts to help him out. 
you were in the common area, fiddling with a rubik’s cube. it was just you, as everyone else was spending the night among each other. ashido had invited you to her dorm a while ago, but you’d denied, wanting to spend a few more giddy moments to yourself. 
the door rattled, and in came your two friends, one with furrowed brows and the other with blood drenching the front of his shirt. 
bakugou’s head was tilted up in an attempt to stop the blood from flowing down. his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed the blood trailing down the back of his throat. 
“oh my gosh,” you gasped out, racing to the bathroom. you came back with sanitary wipes in one hand and tissue in the other. “what happened?” 
“we were training,” kirishima started, taking a few tissues from the box and handing them to his friend, “and i accidentally hit him too hard.” 
“you didn’t hit me that hard. you barely did any damage!” bakugou objected. you approached him, and through his fingers, bakugou peered down at you. 
you asked him with your eyes, and he gave you silent permission to pry his arms away from his face. “are you okay?” 
“i’m just dandy,” he scoffed. 
“dude, i’m really sorry—” 
“shut the hell up kirishima. i don’t want your pity. i swear this is the only time i’ll surrender to you, you asswipe.”
you didn’t laugh, not even a chuckle. “bakugou, you need to see recovery girl.” 
“what the hell? no way. all she’s gonna do is give me one of those shitty slobbery kisses and scold me for being careless.” 
“your nose is broken,” you said gently. 
“so? can’t you fix it?” 
you raised a questioning brow. “you want me to help you?” 
“can you or can you not?” 
“i can try to set it but you’re better off going to recovery girl instead of settling with―” 
“all i need is possible. i don’t want to deal with that old lady’s shit right now.” using the tissues kirishima had stuffed into his hand, he caught the remaining blood dripping down his nose. “let’s go.” 
you were more than unsure. he would end up with a crooked nose if you made any small mistake, but he didn’t think twice as he grabbed your shoulder and led you in the direction of your dorm. 
kirishima wished he hadn’t broken bakugou’s nose. not because he felt bad, though. 
144 notes · View notes
sakkac · 3 years
Text
re: fumetsu no anata e as of chapter 139.2
this started as a response to @bestbonnist​‘s post on chapter 139.2 but now i’m just dissecting differences and similarities between tonari, mizuha, and kahak like im writing an essay for a uni class. i interchangeably use he/they pronouns for fushi and my writing may be clumsy (bc im not actually writing for uni ❤️).
mizuha is a broken mirror to tonari (and kahak a foil to the two aforementioned) in this modern-day arc, especially in their expressions of love for fushi. tonari’s love for fushi is aged over hundreds of years and mizuha’s, at first glance, is an infatuation just based on how long they’ve known each other. im the biggest kahak stan ever, but even i understand kahak’s love started as an infatuation for parona’s form. though, i’d consider the word infatuation compromised when it comes to defining mizuha’s love, bc u cant be sure if her love for fushi is entirely her own, seeing as it had been passed from generation to generation of guardians.
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(chapter 134, read right to left)
tonari and mizuha aren’t that different once you look deeply into the both of them. mizuha’s personality and actions are factors in tonari’s dislike of her, but what ultimately repels tonari from mizuha is that she knows they’re similar, and that manifests most clearly in how she reacts to fushi being with mizuha. i.e. resenting fushi for using her friends’ vessels to help their “love life” in chapter 135.5. she can’t stand mizuha bc mizuha is able to express her love for fushi and fushi does not reject (or accept) it; tonari still hasn’t fully admitted to herself that she likes fushi romantically (perhaps because she can’t separate it from the devotion that led her to harden her body to poisons and to promise her corpse to rest at fushi’s feet), so seeing mizuha appear to progress further than she has irritates her. as for kahak, tonari only has the biases of the other pseudo-immortals and her own of past hayase reincarnations to rely on. (this is not as plot-related, but these two also both like books. kahak read tonari’s fushi book, so i wish they actually met, but in a world where tonari didnt hate hayase beyond death.)
tonari as a child seemed like she thought herself superior to others, perhaps a natural result of her upbringing. she was raised on a prison island, but she herself never committed any crime; banding together w other kids like her, writing about her life in her book (which keeps her separate from or above others in a way). but this thinking ceases at her relationship w fushi. however, i believe this started before they even met. tonari’s childhood dream at seven years old was to write a book her father would be impressed by. she also used to believe in god, while her family was still whole. she even prayed to god when he decided to participate in the tournament in chapter 35. however, she stops referring to god by the time her father had shown tarnish. coincidentally, she meets fushi, who would “upend everything... jeannanda and [her] fate.” she ends up, instead of writing for her father, writing a book to allow a peaceful existence for fushi for whenever they decided to come back. this act shows that the adult tonari has written fushi to a level above her, out of her reach. 
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(chapter 35)
here i’ll quote ray’s words about kahak and tonari: “she also has a surprising amount in common with Kahaku, too, with the ‘I want to protect you even if you disagree.’” the way tonari had waited and honed her body for fushi resembles kahak’s attachment; she had finished living for herself, so now she was only allowing herself to live to further create an ideal vessel for fushi (which also brings up one of hayase’s goals). the difference is that kahak lived for fushi because, as raikkousaki said, fushi was the only thing he was “ALLOWED to live for.” however, while tonari is unquestionably devoted to fushi now, what pulled her to him was black hood’s coercion. as a result of black hood’s words to her, she manipulated fushi into helping her solve her problems, to save her from the island. this first “meeting” also revealed that she was attracted to their white hair; she later admits that she admires their fair skin, contributing to the idea that she could view fushi as the equivalent of a god or at the least, a vision of purity (which is :/ imo, bc of her dark skin). we should also keep in mind that, this, technically her first impression of fushi, and his later display of violent immortality in the arena would further his image as a “legend.” 
mizuha was exposed to fushi’s immortality and reveres him like tonari and kahak respectively do and did. instead of the specific word “legend,” it’s “immortal monster.” her first formal exposure to fushi’s fabled power was not unlike tonari’s, since mizuha had went into her grandfather’s library and read on fushi in chapter 124.1. after this, she manipulates fushi to save her, again paralleling the beginning of tonari’s relationship with fushi, but it’s from her overbearing mother and herself. both tonari and mizuha forced their problems onto fushi, but mizuha doesn’t have black hood stepping in front of her saying “you must lead him.” instead, she may have been influenced by the left hand, but i believe mizuha’s thoughts are majorly her own (left hand lies in wait within mizuha’s consciousness like a predator), and what they appear to say is that she’s leading fushi until he decides to follow her willingly. as for kahak, we only have a few pages on his childhood and what we can make of it and of his actions as an adult is that he was willing to follow fushi wherever they went, until left hand betrayed them both.
mizuha’s superiority complex comes from a different place than young tonari’s; she was a prestigious child from young, in addition to her fear of her uniqueness fading as she aged. this caused her to feel separate from other children. when she meets fushi, she sees how different he is from everyone else and uses subtle ways to keep him with her, while never directly admitting she wants him to stay with her, except for ch 125′s “i’m scared. stay with me tonight,” after her mother’s sudden murder. she usually uses excuses instead, like cutely demanding fushi to walk with her after school and go on dates with her.
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(chapter 36 vs. chapter 128.2)
as fushi was introduced to the people around tonari and mizuha, they received similar reactions, i.e. “your hair is so pretty!” and “woah, his hair is white!” in the pages following these, the similarities continue into tonari and mizuha gaining ownership over fushi: in ch 36 oopa declares “tonari found him. so he belongs to tonari,” while the islanders try to get on fushi’s good side, and in ch 128 fushi goes out of their way to ask which club mizuha belongs to when asked to join a club (vocalizing her claim on them so she doesn’t have to directly do so).
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(chapters 38, 106, and 139)
when the opening comes for mizuha to actually admit her feelings in chapter 139, she tries, but demands instead, “so... love me.” this recalls kahak’s confession to kai in 105.3, that he wants to “protect fushi’s humanity.” kahak and mizuha were both covered in blood when they spoke, but the atmospheres and characters are different; mizuha is clever w her words, but still too immature to let go of her pride, whereas kahak was the exact opposite. he rid of himself of his pride for fushi when he was a child, but said a lot of the wrong things to fushi when it came down to it. additionally, mizuha, when she wants something, she’ll phrase her words so that it seems like there’s only one choice: to follow her. this has been the case for others including fushi (chapters 120.2′s testing of hanna with “if i died, would you cry for me?” and 132.1′s “i’ll teach you about love” and the following guilt-trip). tonari is more direct with her words and meaning than either mizuha or kahak, bc of her personality. she directly confronts fushi when she realizes he had felt betrayed by her in chapter 38, because she still needed him for his plans. but mizuha is more direct with her actions; in chapter 129.1, she latches herself onto fushi, while trying to get information out of him. after the failed marriage proposal, rather than physically attaching himself to fushi like mizuha, kahak used acts of domesticity and protection to subtly appeal to and maintain his space next to them.
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(chapter 38 vs chapter 139)
tonari’s “there are people in this world who are better off dead” above isn’t far from the knockers’ reasoning behind “wishing for death is paramount to being dead” and the reason for mizuha’s mother’s death: left hand decided to “eliminate the cause of [mizuha’s breaking point’s] stress.” what this shows is that tonari can also justify murder, though granted, this is from a hundred chapters ago. however, this black and white thinking comes back in the modern era where tonari holds prejudice against mizuha because of her relation to hayase. tonari knows her dislike of mizuha is unfair, she can’t get around it. tonari is still as prideful as she was when she lived on jeannanda; it’s just that she is able to use fushi to justify her opinions now. i also want to bring up mizuha’s reaction to her mother’s death and funa’s knocker’s “purging and guidance.” mizuha seems comfortable with the sight of death, despite having a more normal childhood than tonari, because her actual main concern overwhelms it; she is always thinking on how she can appeal to fushi (almost like kahak), or in other words, how to salvage her pride. so instead of being concerned over being the actual murderer, she is concerned with appearing as a murderer to fushi.
so to actually answer ray’s question, objectively, tonari’s love is as excessive as kahak and mizuha’s. but personally, i think tonari’s love for fushi right now is also unhealthy, though it comes out of good will. kahak’s love also ended in fushi’s benefit, but it was undoubtedly unhealthy. and ofc, mizuha’s love is also unhealthy; she reaches for fushi for perfection, tonari reaches for fushi for humility.
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junnibook · 3 years
Note
Pt.2 Can I request nsfw alphabet's For 1.hawks 2.iwa-chan 3.daichi 4. SHIGARAKI!!
Shigaraki Tomura nsfw alphabet.
A/n: have fun you dust loving reader 🙏🏼
Q: would you force skin care on him?
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A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
wait, your alive? like your not a pile of dust on his bed? wow okay.. well firstly his aftercare sucks, just saying, he doesn’t care to stay around and if he does have deep feelings for you it would still suck because he’ll either go do “work” or he’ll play the game. his way of after care is keeping you alive so don’t push it.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
he likes your boobs and your face. one he’s like a child and most children cling to their mothers chest plus he likes the size and how they feel. they do have a lot of bite marks. he likes your face because of all the fear and emotions you show him. he cant get enough of that, make those faces for him more often. 
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
he’s a messy boy. okay so one his cum would taste overly salty so if your a swallower get a cup of water because your gonna need it, two its super thick for no reason at all. he likes to leave his cum any and everywhere. he doesn’t came if it’s messy. you turned him on, purposely so that’s your problem.
D = Dick size ( the size of their dick)
he’s above average and isn’t too thick but makes up for it in length. i wouldn’t say he’s a proud boy he honestly doesn’t care if he’s big or not, if someone had somethings to say they could gladly be turned into a pile of ash and he would pee on it it and move on with his ashy day.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
none, the boy doesn’t like people before he met you or whom ever, he was like a needy wild animal he had it the first time, didn’t know how to act. just humping away feeling that good ol pleasure and was blinded by it, yea if you had your first with him than he would 100% be rough with you... masochist.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
he quickly finds out that he likes to be deep into you- like fully into you, he likes mating press the most, just be on birth control because he doesn’t like condoms like at all. im sure you don’t want any baby shiggys running around turning children into dust right?
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
no way, not a chance. you won’t catch him being goofy at all. he has his DICK out and is showing himself to YOU. be glad that you made this far, don’t test him by trying to be goofy. 
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
100% not shaved or trimmed. why would he? he’s a busy man plus he doesn’t care like at all.. if you have a problem with it shave it your self other than that don’t say anything abt it.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
N O he doesn’t know romance it’s not in his mind set. the most he will do that you can call romantic is go easier and or softer on you. if your looking for emotional sex for comfort or something.. get you a side piece and use them for that one thing
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
yea he does, it’s a stress relief and on his pettiest of days he’ll leave his cum near you. he wouldn’t care if you thought it was gross, he’ll leave his cum by you and move on with his day.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
he likes: praise kink, because he likes no he loves when you praise him for making you go dumb over his dick. 
he likes giving you just a little pain.. he likes the literal tears in your eyes. 
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
anywhere he pleases which is mostly in his room. all for one told him off the last time he fucked in public since people got a half a look at his face. but if he wasn’t told not to he’d fuck you in public. “ show the hero’s how you take dick from a villain”  
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
anything- he’s so easily turned on, but if he’s playing the game and you try and distract him- he takes that as a threat and literally will sit on you so that you can’t move- or if he’s angry and almost won and you made him lose, he’ll grab you by the neck, have his thumb dangerously close to the rest of his fingers on your throat pull you close and look into your eyes. “stop being annoying before i makes you regret it “ 
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
sit down loves he isn’t a bottom nor does he want to try it out, he’s top and if you don’t like it - leave {btw you cant leave because he literally won’t let you} he also doesn’t eat you out- he thinks it’s gross-
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
his head is terrible, he hates eating you out AND him fingering you is like Russian roulette, his thumb might accidently meet up with the rest of his fingers and turn your pussy into dust- no more wap for you, you now have the dap {dusty ass puh} also he might let you suck him might not- he has trust issues and he doesn’t trust your teeth. 
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
like i said- he isn’t the type to go slow, he’s chasing his own pleasure si yes he will go hard and fast nonstop. safe words are needed but will be ignored- just saying so if you don’t like it so rough that your legs give out for a few days than find a new partner because he isn’t for you love. 
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
quickies are basically you sucking him up while he plays the game - if you want him that bad than you can wait until he wants to get off the game and fuck you, lucky for you it isn’t a long wait.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
he use to be risky until he had his face shown at his attacks and so he can’t be risky and fuck you out in public to often, before he was seen he would fuck you in public places- where they could hear you moan 
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
he can last up to two rounds- sorry maybe three if he’s needy and maybe four if he’s stressed which is all the time.. so it depends on his mood because it changes from time to time as you know.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
he doesn’t have time for things likes that and besides but how much he’s giving you- you wouldn’t be able to think about anything yet alone toys. he thinks they are weird and un needed. “are you saying my dick isn’t good enough for you? “ say no if you want, he’ll have you in tears begging for him in minutes.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
meh- not to much he doesn’t have time to waste on teasing you, he has plans and wouldn’t want to pause them just to tease you, take the dick and go to sleep. it’ll knock you out for sure so sleep up before he wants more. 
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
he doesn’t moan he insults- like degradation kink is a small kink of his, he likes the way it sounds coming form him and he loves the way you repeat it when he tells you too, because who are you to refuse him. 
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
he is down to share you, he likes the idea of breaking you down while using another guys dick. that would probably be a punishment though, like if you happened tp the extra annoying that day and just kept brothering him. 
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
his dick is ashy so be careful don’t get rub burn- im joking it’s not ashy probably  the most non ashy  place on his body,
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
not as high as you might think- taking down the heros will always come first on his mind- his games are second and you come.. well last- your the last thing on his mind. no offense.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
knocked out no questions asked, your knocked out too for sure, he put you straight tp sleep. so take the sleep while you can.
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how do u handle ur social anxiety? ive been struggling a lot with it lately to the point ive sorta been breaking down and what better way for advice than to ask someone that comforts u (mun[?] too)
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Mun... might have something more useful for you.
aesops way of coping is probably avoidance but we all know that aint the best way aha. anyway this was one ask i could not stop thinking about because i read it n went (john mulaney voice) Huh my anxiety never got so bad till a break down, n then it happened to me a few days later. i do find this funny yes
anyway, the most useful thing ive learnt to handle my social anxiety (not entirely tho but its a good start) is to identify which trains of thought is Social Anxiety tm speaking so u can immediately know those r lies. stuff like Oh they’re laughing at me just as I walk by, they’re laughing at me, or Someone else is here, they probably hate me, I should go somewhere else but I cant, aaaaaaaaaaaaa
(if im not wrong,) usually theyre statements that are along the lines of “they hate you” or “you’re wrong”, n they’re based off an irrational fear of others that can be countered using evidence or, well, logic and rationale. things like “No one is keeping a checklist of your mistakes, you’re literally the only one doing that and scrutinizing each one of them, others dont care so much about these things.” (ive found this to be a very good counterargument to use for a lot of situations so im bolding it) or “You wouldn’t think that if someone else messes up, it should be the same for them. And if they say it isnt a big deal, it probably isnt”. for me i usually keep repeating these more logical explanations n counterarguments to myself to kinda quell the social anxiety voice for a bit. i know there are cases that it doesnt work 100%, but its a good start
n if ur also like me who avoids eating/ getting food cos theres human interaction involved, i kinda try to get my friends to drag me out whenever possible. no shame, even a simple “hey lets drop by the convenience store later so i can grab a snack” is better than starving for like. a day or so. its also cos of this whenever i plan my schedule for the day, i see if i can plan it such that its convenient for me to get food for both lunch and dinner (sorry im not one for breakfast aha). n also i find that if i dont like the food (sorry im a very picky eater), i would rather starve than eat, so now im willing to pay a bit more for food i like n will eat
or just having someone else to talk to about these kinds of things, and kinda having a second opinion of “was that weird of me” or “should i have done that” with someone (ppl give advice better to others than to themselves aha) really helps, i think. u could probably also ask for advice maybe (like this? XD) ((after i had a small meltdown that day i went to my boyfriend’s to complain for an hour n honestly that helped me to release a lot of distressed energy n its better than stewing in it for the rest of the day + i got some advice that i slowly worked on when i was feeling up to it enough))
im also still kinda bad at small talk with strangers, especially ppl whom i just met. i find a small trick to this (that again does not work all the time) is to try to find a relevant topic (background is also fine i guess, depends on context), n as they answer find something about their answer that u can branch off into another topic. it could be a personal anecdote that is remotely related to that topic, it just gives u things to talk about aha (eg someone saw me drawing n commented that one of their friends also draws, n i started talking about how i used to get really bad grades in art class. which wasnt quite the topic but it worked). n when ur ending ur turn to talk, try to have something that the other person can comment on/ answer. having said that, this is hard if the other person is equally awkward/ doesnt give u much to branch off on from their replies (i mean they really only answer your question n rarely elaborates unless prompted. eg “what did you have for lunch?” “pasta.” “oh, what kind?” “carbonara.”). then i say its only as awkward as u make it to be, perhaps u would be better off kinda just sitting together in silence. its not weird unless u make it, n not every moment has to be filled with conversation.
thank u so much for this ask by the way, social anxiety is a huge bitch to have n it sucks extra much that a lot of our fears seem incredibly stupid from a “normal” point of view n we are constantly on edge even if we seem 101% fine cos we’re not fine aha. but just know ur not alone in this, n i hope some of these might have helped. 
i guess i should put some sort of disclaimer here, these r just some of my own personal problems n the solutions i have are mostly for me (maybe except for countering the thoughts), so i understand if they might not work for others. so i kinda recommend just sitting down, identifying which aspects social anxiety is affecting n finding a solution that works for u is kinda the best. try out different methods, if they dont work thats alright, if it does then thats great. it takes a lot of time, admittedly i starved myself for a couple of semesters before i found this solution for myself. it also take a lot of constant effort to counter, n to that i wish u all the best, n good luck in finding methods that work for u <3
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roguestarsailor · 3 years
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You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.
It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.
Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???
the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???
like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??
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this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!
everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 
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Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 
then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.
rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 
i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre
but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 
anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.
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zwowow · 3 years
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this might be very triggering so its fine if u dont do it, but kells self harming secretly and em finding out and kells thinks he’s gonna be mad but em is comforting instead
sorry for the ask, im the same anon that went thru a break up and it aint going well
tw: self harm 
I’m sorry my love, break ups are rough and it really sounds like ur goin thru it. sorry this took a while! but hopefully you’ve had time to heal a bit between sending this ask nd now. 
psa to all I’ve never self harmed, so i’m just hoping this captures the idk headspace? alright :/ 
He started when he was a teenager. That’s how long he’s been doing this shit. It’s fucking shameful that he hasn’t grown out of it in over a decade, but it’s also one of the only things that’s consistently soothed him. When weed isn’t enough to calm him, or shake him from a spiral of self-loathing, he always comes back to this. Not because it makes him feel better, but because it makes him feel something. 
He can focus on the pain and only the physical pain. His emotions, the real world shit he has to deal with, can fall to the side for a moment and he can revel in the hurt. The hurt that he has control over. 
That’s a part of it, too. Control. So much of the existential pain he feels is beyond what he himself can change. Everyone gets to have an opinion on him, and regardless if it’s good or bad, he has to know it and internalize it. He has no choice. Time moves on and he can’t control what his past self has done, but the regret eats him alive. His head spins when he thinks about all of the shit that’s wrong in his life that he no longer has the power to change. 
But the harm he does himself? Knowingly and methodically? It’s all controlled. He’s got it all under control. 
Or at least he did. Recently, he’s had the itch to hurt more and more frequently. There’s so much going on in his life that he’s no longer in control of even the one thing that makes him feel grounded. The old scars and fresh wounds are getting harder to hide. Even on his inked skin, raised bumps and sensitive bruises are easy to find when his boyfriend spends all of his time roaming his hands gently over his body. 
But Em can’t find out. Colson refuses to let him. He’d think Colson is pathetic (he is). He’d be disgusted by him (he should be). He’d hate him (but he couldn’t hate him more than Colson hates himself). 
He tries not to hurt himself around Em because of this, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Sometimes he needs it. 
Colson sneaks out of bed one night at Em’s place while his boyfriend is sleeping. On his way out, he grabs his small bag that has just a few of the items he uses to hurt himself. His fingers shake around the bag and his breath quickens in his chest. 
Ain’t it funny that the shame he feels from doing this just makes him want to do it more? 
When he makes it to a bathroom far enough away from Em’s room that he doubts he would make the effort to find him all the way down here, he lays the bag on the counter and opens it up. 
This hadn’t started with the razor blades and lighters he keeps in the bag. He’s worked himself here from pulling out his leg hair and scratching his own arms raw just to feel the sting. The older and more well known he got, the more out of control he felt, and from there he made the jump from nervous ticks to genuine self harm. 
He used to starve himself, too. He thinks back to only a couple of years ago and picks up the lighter. He could go days without eating, even while on tour. There were times where he’d pass out after shows from the hunger, but he’d write it off to others as exhaustion. That had been one of the most pleasing ways to hurt himself. The gentle build up to physical depletion to match what he felt emotionally was fulfilling in a way he couldn’t possibly explain to anyone. 
And that’s why he stopped. Em started to catch on. He started to ask questions no one had asked before. He was obsessed with feeding Colson and keeping him healthy. 
Colson started eating regularly because Em would’ve hated to know his not eating wasn’t just absent-minded forgetting. He would’ve been so disappointed to find out it was deliberate starvation. Colson didn’t want to disappoint Em. 
He still doesn’t. Colson puts the lighter on the counter and takes out one of his blades, too. Em would hate to see this. He wouldn’t understand. 
Inhaling shakily through his nose, Colson looks between his two options for tonight. He leaves the blade on the counter and picks up the lighter. Em is sure to notice if he has a fresh cut. A burn is easier to hide. 
He flicks the lighter to life and is deciding where to hold it on his body when he hears the first knock. 
“Kells.” Shit. He loosens his grip on the lighter and the flame goes out. 
What is Em doing out of bed, and what the fuck is he doing down here?
“Kells,” Em tries again, “You good?” 
“I’m fine.” He lies. 
“Are you fucking smoking in there?” Outside, Em’s voice grows suspicious. He heard the lighter go on and now he thinks Colson is smoking weed in his bathroom. That would be easier to explain. 
After too long of a pause he says, “No.” 
Em doesn’t give a warning before he throws open the bathroom door. Colson wants to knock his head into the mirror for not thinking to lock it. He dives for the blade on the counter, but Em is staring right at it. 
“What the fuck?” Em looks between Colson and the counter multiple times. It’s a stupid overdramatic response, but he wants to slit his fucking wrists from that look. 
Em’s brow furrows. Colson feels sick to his stomach. Em is pissed at him. He’s disgusted by him. He doesn’t know whether to throw him out or call a mental hospital. He hates him. He must be so angry. 
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out. I was trying to hide it. I shouldn’t have done it here. I know it’s fucking sick. I know it’s fucking crazy to cut and burn myself, I know but I...” Excuses and apologies trip over each other running off of his tongue. 
“You’re cutting yourself?” Em interrupts him. His intense gaze sweeps over Colson. He’s not disgusted or angry like he’d thought. He’s shocked, confused, and even a bit hurt. 
“I... yeah.”
“Why?” A loaded question like that shoots Colson right through the chest. Why? He can hardly answer the question to himself, how is he supposed to explain it to Em?
Em said it himself, he was just clownin’ when talking about cutting himself, how fucked up does someone have to be to actually do that? Colson doesn’t want to explain to Em how fucked up he is.
When he doesn’t answer, Em looks back down at the blade and then at the lighter still in his hand. Kells sees the thousands of things he wants to say and the million questions he wants to ask in his eyes. Finally his eyes set, and Kells braces himself for the next thing to come out of Em’s mouth. 
“Don’t do that shit tonight, yeah? Just come back to bed.” The response shocks Colson even more silent than he’d been. Does he still want to know why, or is he just dropping it? 
As if reading his mind, Em shrugs, “You can tell me why when you’re ready. Tonight, I just want to cuddle your ass.” He holds out his hand to Colson and laces their fingers together tightly when he grabs on. Em tugs him gently out of the bathroom and down the hall back to his room. Colson leaves the lighter and the blade on the counter. 
When they’re back in bed, Em holds him differently than he has before, His arm feels weighted, it presses Colson gently down into the bed, unable to move from the hold. Em holds him from behind protectively and breathes into Colson’s neck. It’s so close it’s almost claustrophobic, but Colson wouldn’t pull away from it even if he could. The urge to hurt himself is immediately replaced by the need to burrow in closer to Em’s grounding touch. 
He falls asleep easily, letting the last of his shame and fear at Em’s reaction leave his body without a fight. 
In the morning, he goes to clean his stuff up in the bathroom, or to throw it away, but not to use it. When he gets there, the bag, the razor, and the lighter are nowhere to be found. Instead of being anxious at the loss, he feels a bit calmed by it. 
This isn’t the end. He won’t be able to stop hurting himself just because Em got rid of a few of his blades and one of his many designated lighters, but it is a start. 
Em knows now, he’s looking out for it. And if the way he always acts toward him, from the making sure Colson is eating to the cuddle last night is any indication, he’ll be there when Colson needs it. He’ll take care of him. 
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misterbitches · 3 years
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I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed
Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:
keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.
The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:
- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)
-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose
- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try
But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.
0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.
1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.
Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.
I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is
2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.
There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.
The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.
So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.
At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.
fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.
Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”
If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.
Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.
And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.
Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao
Antiblackness
Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.
FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....
Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.
Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.
There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.
ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that
It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.
These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.
Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao
Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.
Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.
It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility
Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.
This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.
There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.
additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.
Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...
We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.
That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.
HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:
a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?
These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.
Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.
History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)
Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)
Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:
Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!
Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3
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nyomjoon · 3 years
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why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride
Why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride & the most deserving of a fangirl club
to preface, the main girl (futaba) and main guy (kou) had crushes on each other in middle school, which would’ve progressed when kou invited her out to see her at a place near a clock. however, kou did not show up because one of their classmates questioned futaba on whether she fancied kou, and she was extremely introverted and replied that she hated boys - which she did. but, she had felt differently for kou since he was more gentle and less brutish than the other guys who were really the epitome of pubescent boys. so i see the appeal to kou. upon hearing this, kou decided not to show up in fear that she would not reciprocate his feelings. alas, she was left waiting in the cold for most of the night, and would not hear from him till highschool because he moved away due to his parents’ divorce. he also changes his last name from tanaka to mabuchi (this is significant). 
edit: it has been brought to my attention that kou hadn’t shown up bc it was his parents divorce that day. i might’ve missed this detail but i assume when he tells futaba it’s not at the beginning so rlly mayb it’s another element to the ~character development~
I
When reminiscing, i only remember Kou to be the nonchalant, token tsundere, yeah he doesn’t care about you or your feelings. and upon surface level i found it to be so annoying, because he was the guy who left futaba out of his own fear. she was owed an explanation because despite it being middleschool, i too, would’ve been traumatised if the boy i liked had stood me up and not to mention leave school without a word to any��of this classmates. i can side with futaba because i am also an introvert and it plucks a lot of courage to be able to ask someone out in the first place. however, that being said - being an asshole straight off the bat can only mean that there’s room or character development which to my little 12 year old self - failed to realise. 
II
when kou moved middle schools, he struggled to find his group of friends, which in hindsight would probably be difficult for anyone who was going through what he had - his parents splitting. however, he meets ms. narumi, who initially we are grateful that she was able to help kou break out of his shell and develop friendships at school albeit he wasn’t besties with anyone. despite this, i will never forgive what she does later. as i’ve mentioned earlier, when kou enters highschool he becomes an asshole. this is because he experiences his mother dying and as anyone would be, he became bitter. he was more closed off than before and upon this revelation, we begin to sympathise for kou. because losing a loved one is as depressing as it comes and we begin to understand that with his parents divorce there was no one else there for his mother except for him. his older brother, given the split, had stayed with his father and so to satisfy his mother kou spent all his middle school years studying, with a realisation too late that he had made no better memories with his late mother. 
consequent to his loss, we accept that his “asshole” personality is justified and he had become a man full of regret. during highschool, he moved back in with his father however, avoided spending time with his family at all costs. he’s revealed to be hanging around a group of friends to merely ‘waste time’ and really, he doesn’t enjoy anything in life. yet, ms. futaba, is persistent in nature and still has feelings for him so attempts to develop a friendship because of their previous relationship. much to his dismay, he still harbours remnants of his crush for her, however, he cannot and refuses to acknowledge it - he does this by not saying it aloud but he’s written her name in a notebook and despite the knowledge of its existence he does not tear or throw it away. 
III
as futaba and kou’s relationship develop even further - she convinces him to stop seeing the friends and instead he has better friends at school who are all in this event committee or something like that. however, as the story progresses, narumi comes back and asks kou to help her because shes moved to the same town and has also experienced the death of a parent - which also happened after her parents divorced. knowing what that feels like, he felt obligated to help her out. i’m not sure if he intended to be an anchor for her, but this situation turned out to be very manipulative - because narumi was purposefully trying to hold down kou and drag him away from his character development, because as you would assume, futaba & co. are the steps towards moving on from his bitterness, regret and anger, and narumi tries her best to pull him away from it which inherently just inhibited his growth. 
kou isn’t aware of this manipulation, because despite being an asshole prior he sympathises with narumi - which, really shows how kind hearted he is. he goes even further with his generosity by rejecting futaba, because even if they had dated, he still could not leave narumi because he felt as it was his duty to help her overcome her own adversities, which would’ve made futaba uncomfortable. it was/is in fact not his duty to help her overcome her trauma because as we all know it’s part of her own journey, and by helping her, he is still being tied to the past and he himself cannot overcome his trauma. 
IV
because he had rejected futaba, she decides to move on and although it does not happen immediately, she starts dating this other guy who in my opinion (which is completely objective btw) is so pushy and forward and he’s just a rat. because she starts to date this dude, kou realises that he still likes her, and depsite seeing them together he is unable to move on, or get rid of his feelings for her. now normally, this would be a bit problematic, however, because i hated kikuchi (futaba’s new bf) i don’t care. so, what i enjoyed about this particular bit of his transformation is that he was able to preserve the good things of his childhood which was fundamentally, memories of futaba and the times he spent with her. so when kou has his final talk with narumi - he lets himself out of that toxic environment, which is probably step five of his character development. and he goes back to the town he lived in when his mum died. he takes futaba with him to override the horrible memories that he had made - ones that reminded him of his parents divorce and his mum’s death. his logic behind this method was because when he was in the infirmary he was able to overcome his hate of the disinfectant smell because he was with futaba. 
he also reconciled with his mother’s passing by visiting her grave and letting her know that he is finally able to move on. 
another bit i wanted to mention, because it was so chivalrous of kou - basically, futaba got mugged and her bag had a strap that meant a lot to her. and so she tried chasing him, however, she got lost because she kicked the guy in the face and tried to run away. eventually, kou found her and she was really shocked and she actually had a fever so he had to carry her all the way to her hotel room. and then she mentioned that she lost her bag and really needed it. so, he left the hotel room and retrieved it and during his absence was when all the friends gathered in her room. when he comes back, he’s found the bag and throws it at her boyfriend which is funny because it shows how useless the boyfriend is lol. 
V
after this, he does not give up trying to chase after futaba, because she’s been such a pivotal element to his life - which we can all see. his hard work does not go in vain, they do end up together which is very pleasing. but the final bit to his reform is his last name change. as you can imagine, the initial change from tanaka to mabuchi was probably something that was traumatic but then when he changes it back to tanaka he’s able to move on from his bitterness from his mother’s death. not to mention, he was very adamant on futaba to stop calling him tanaka but its pretty significant that he was able to overcome his personal struggles. 
im too hungry so i can’t think anymore, if any of u read the manga add to the list!!1!!!111!!!!!
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bedtimebrain · 3 years
Text
EXO KAI: Detective Gone Wrong P2
Characters: JonginxYou
You came to know Jongin by accident, but have no clue he’s EXO’s Kai. And when you found out....
Part 1 Part 3
Your text messages with Jongki didn’t just stop there after that night. You guys texted frequently, on and off work. Though neither of you always replied instantly, the conversation kept going.
Jongki seems to have really long working hours occasionally. You were still not sure what kind of job he does, he seems to be doing a variety of things during his working hours, and even travels around sometimes.
You came to a weak conclusion that he might be a fitness trainer for those rich family wives, which explains why he would need to go to the gym during his working hours and his nice body. You decided to tell him you wild Guess tonight when you go over.
‘Jongki oppa!’ You knocked on his door and shouted excitedly.
‘annyeong Y/N!’
‘I came with food bribes to use your TV! Ginseng chicken soup!’ You presented the thermal pot to him at the door removed your shoes
‘Anyway it’s meant for you, i already ate some at home before coming over. I mean it’s almost 9pm, I’m sorry I couldn’t wait to eat w you’ you added
‘Gumawo, this food bribe is more than what I expected, haha. I’m gna eat on the dining table, just use the TV’
‘Woohoo!’ You cheered and speeded over to his sofa and switched on his TV while he set his dining table.
‘Oppa! You have Netflix? I’m gna use it ok!’
Seeing how excited you are he couldn’t help but laugh.
‘Omo 100 days my prince. My friend loves this show, she say loves the male lead! Oppa did u watch this?? Or are u not into dramas?’ You turned your head back to ask jongki who was eating at the dining table
‘100 days my prince ?! Wow, I guess it’s really popular among the females. No I didn’t watch the full thing, just here and there.’
You loudly declared you were going to watch it, and toggled to watch the first episode. But you were hooked. You couldn’t stop at the first episode, by the time you were done with the second it was already past 12.
Nicely, jongki also came out from the shower as your episode ended. Saying your byes and your goodnights, you thanked him for hosting and he thanked you back for the food. You headed home, it was a good night indeed!
Again in that week, you both decided to meet for supper. Over supper you asked
‘Oppa I wanted to ask you previously but I forgot, are you a fitness trainer for rich people? You have such a nice body and you earn so much and you have not so regular working hours. I’ve been thinking about it..’
‘No I’m not! Why are you always coming up with strange conclusions, hahah. I’m pretty sure I don’t sound like a fitness trainer right, I told you I just came from a show’ he said as he stuffed the ssambap into his mouth
‘Right , I thought so too. Are you a model then? I’m sorry but I know you have abs’ you said it with your mouth full and sent a wink to him, making him laugh
‘How would you know I have abs! I’m not a model but you’re close hahaha’
‘Ok, I’ll continue thinking about it then, haha’
—-
‘Oppa, don’t you think the male lead is really charming? I found out his name, he’s do kyungsoo from EXO!!’ You kept your eyes on the screen , oblivious to the questioning look jongki had on his face.
Tonight, you were at Jongki’s place after work again, to catch up on 100 days my prince since he was home.
The past few times you watched, he never sat down with you as he was always busy with chores. But today he decided to, and he was starting to irritate you when he kept cracking up once in a while.
‘Oppa what’s so funny? You’re so annoying!’You threw a cushion at him , but he caught it and stuck his tongue out at you
At the end of the episode, Jongki quickly took the remote on the table.
‘I’m deciding what to watch next!’ He gloated
But the previous episode ended on a cliff hanger! You weren’t going to let him have it. You attempted to snatch the remote from him and you both ended up in a chase around the house.
Obviously you weren’t going to win against the owner, giving up, you both sat back down on the sofa, panting and dying of laughter. Looking up at the TV screen, it was now on YouTube. You guys must have accidentally switched the screen while fooling around.
His YouTube homepage were all EXO Kai dance videos. Not that you know exactly who that is but you heard about him.
‘Ohhhh opppaaaaa you’re an EXO fan? You like EXO Kai~’ you raised your brows at him and said it in a teasing tone
But he started kneeling over in laughter. You didn’t get what’s so funny though, but anyway you continued asking
‘Oppa can you dance ? Im sure you like dancing right? Show me please !!!!’
Recovering from his fits of laugh, he looked straight at you
‘You really wanna see?’
‘YES!!’ You shouted like a fangirl.
He connected his phone to his speaker and started playing some pop song that was totally not your style. It went something like ‘don’t mess up my tempo~~’. Though the song wasn’t really blessing your ears but jongki’s dancing was absolutely world class in your opinion.
You didn’t know much about dancing. But damn, anyone would know he’s a good dancer. Though he was just dancing for fun, just for you, he bothered with his facial expressions, giving life to his dance. You felt your heart started thumping, as you realise how attractive jongki was in this moment.
When it came to an end, you did a standing ovation just for him and cheered.
‘You’re hella hot, I’m serious.’ You raised a thumbs up at him and he got a little shy at your honest compliments
‘How are you not attached if you’re so eligible though. How do girls around you not fall for you?’
Seeming not too sure how to answer your question, he started
‘Uhm, actually I’ve been in and out of relationships. But I guess they dont really last because of the nature of my job? And some other reasons I guess’
‘Are you a back up dancer ? That’s why? I mean it can be little hard if you’re always dancing with hot girls or something’ you replied thoughtfully
‘About love, I’m fine, fate will come. But Y/N, I look like a back up dancer to you?’ He was all serious as he asked, and you were a little shocked
Teasing him, you replied ‘you’re the main dancer in my heart’ and you showed him a heart sign. His expression softened, showing that ‘I’m so done with you’ face
‘Oppa I know you’re done with my nonsense for tonight, and I’m not going to watch your Kai dancing videos, you can slowly watch them when I’m home sleeping. Bye~ see you soon’ you picked up your belongings and gave him a side hug as you said your goodbyes.
—-
‘Y/N ah, let’s watch a horror movie tonight.’
Tonight you both were having supper take out at his place, since it was too cold to go outside. By the time the food arrived it was already late, but you didn’t mind since you had an off the next day.
‘But I really can’t , I’ll have indigestion’ you pouted
Not really taking your aegyo jongki insisted ‘I’m sorry , we are watching it. At most we finish our supper first’
And he was smug about it, especially when you kept whining after.
‘Oppa, I’m warning you. I might scream, cry, bite you or tear your clothes apart because I’m a scaredy cat. Don’t regret your decision’ you warned him just before he offed the lights
The movie barely started but you were already feeling scared. You moved closer to him and hugged the cushions tightly. At every scary part you looked away and leaned closer to jongki without thinking.
Omg omg, the jump scare is coming!
You quickly shut your eyes as the story progressed to it’s main crux.
‘YOUR SOULS SHALL BE MINE’
The boom of the zombie’s voice sent you in a scream and you jumped onto jongki. You hugged him tightly and burst into tears, you were scared out of your life.Of course, this got jongki cracking up instead.
‘It’s just a movie , don’t be scared’ He put his arms around and gave your shoulders a rub.
After you calmed down a little, you attempted to sit up and recover the distance between the both of you. But suddenly there were flashes of light from the TV. And you headed right for Jongki’s chest, grasping him tightly.
‘I DONT WANNA WATCH ANYMORE’ you yelled and sobbed hard
Seeing how you were really in a bad state, jongki gave in and stopped the movie.
‘Y/N I’ll go on the light, ok?’ He tried to free himself from your hold but you weren’t letting him go, you were scared and when you were scared you were clingy like a child. Getting the hint, he stayed beside you and let you cry your fears out. Feeling a little bad about this, he apologised softly ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you hated it so much’
‘I definitely won’t be able to sleep tonight. You jerk’ you threw a punch on his chest and said in between hitches of breaths, not really calm yet.
He tucked your head under his chin and pat you lightly, hoping to comfort you the best he could. Your eyes started to feel swollen and heavy from all the crying, together with his rhythmic pats, it all produced a hypnotic effect on you. Without even knowing, you drifted off to sleep.
You had no idea how long you were asleep for before you woke up to see jongki laying you down on the bed.
He turned around ready to leave but you reached out for his hand before he walked far. You could feel him gently trying to remove himself from your hold but you subconsciously asked
‘can you stay for a while?’
He lightly tapped your hand, and you let go of it. The next thing you feel was the bed dipping down on the other side.
Opening your eyes, you saw jongki sitting up beside you then you safely drifted off to sleep again.
It was already morning when you woke again, checking your watch it was 6.30am. Still sitting up, jongki had fallen asleep. You laughed a little seeing him like this, but at the same time feeling a little bad and guilty. You slowly got out of the bed and went over to the side where jongki was, wanting to adjust his sleeping posture without waking him up.
You put one hand over his torso and one hand behind his head, wanting to gently adjust him. But you were only able to move him slightly before you got stuck in a really awkward position. You managed to get half of his torso lying on the bed, but your hand was now stuck under it.
You tried pulling your hand out as lightly as you could, but you the awkward position you were in was not really holding you up well, and you were losing your balance. You quickly grabbed the bed frame and steadied yourself, but seeing jongki’s sleeping face so close made you forget about the task at hand. You leaned in to take a closer look, and the more you looked, you don’t know why there was this overwhelming desire to kiss him. Without thinking, you quickly gave him a peck.
It was as if he felt your kiss or something because he suddenly turned over to his side making you fall onto him. You let out a Yelp in shock.
He opened his eyes and murmured ‘What are doing?’ You were in such an awkward position you couldn’t even think of a good answer. But he didn’t wait either, he just continued saying
‘Just sleep, it’s still early’ and pulled you right back into bed instead, this time locking you in his arms as he closed his eyes.
You were utterly confused at what had just happened and there’s no way you could be sleeping with your heart almost exploding in your chest. You tried to wriggle out of his hold, but it wasn’t much use. So instead, you forced yourself to take deep breaths in and out and the next thing you know, you were woken up by the jarring alarm.
You thought jongki would be shock to wake up next to you, but you were totally wrong. He seem to be very much clear that he had you sleep right next to him. Turning off the alarm, he turned to face you and tucked your hair behind your ears. Catching you off guard like this, you jerked your head backwards.
‘What are you doing?’ You asked and sat up, wide awake now.
‘Didnt you kiss me last night?’ He looked at you straight in your eye, and tried to control his smirk.
Realising you fell into your own pothole, you immediately tried to escape. Jumping out of bed and out of the room. You went straight for the washroom and tidied up yourself as fast as you could. Grabbing your coat and your belongings you stood by the door all ready to leave. Only that you needed Jongki’s fingerprint .
After about 5 minutes had passed as you waited nervously, he finally came walking through to the living room with his mad scientist hair.
‘What’s up with you ? You literally transformed in 5 minutes’ he joked
What in the world was he thinking? Is he playing with you or what? What’s all his actions suppose to mean?
You had this inner thoughts but did you really wanna know the answer to these?
Okay, yes you wanted to. But do you dare to ask?
No you didn’t. So you could only suck it up like a loser and be confused and embarrassed all by yourself.
He took a step closer to you but you massively overreacted and almost fell backwards. But all he wanted was to reach across you to open the door.
Seeing how flustered you looked, he took the chance to tease you. Keeping his hand on the handle, he stepped closer to you and you moved back. Just like in the movies, his head kept moving towards you until you hit the wall. You shut your eyes and scrunched your face
‘What do you want!!!’ You pushed him away and yelled
You didn’t realise you have been holding your breath all this while. Jongki on the other hand seem to be having fun with this. But you were trying your best to look serious and firm about this.
He didn’t reply, but simply opened the door instead. You stepped out right away the minute he opened it.
‘Okay bye’ giving him a panicky goodbye wanting to run away already. But he called you
‘Y/N! Look behind you!’ And he pointed to behind you
You quickly turned but there wasn’t anything. What the hell ?
Turning back, you came face to face with him instead and he gave you a kiss on your lips.
‘Okay you can leave now, bye bye! See you soon!’
What just happened? You have no idea what just happened.
Your mind was blank. Really blank, as blank than an empty canvas.
And your heart was beating erratically as you walked away in a daze.
Kim Jongki.... am i falling for you? are you falling for me? ------------
Decided to split another part out so i don’t have to rush the ending. The story hasn’t exactly hit the climax yet? Let’s see how it turns out!
Edit: Part 3
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