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#i feel like i am already mourning
bbygirl-aemond · 8 months
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don't hmu i just wrote the last line of stormbreak and i don't think i will ever mentally recover from it actually
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I wish I could go back in time and convince my past self that I was not morally obligated to give my time and mental energy to listening to and thinking about the things people who constantly spoke to and about me in disparaging, angry ways had to say about social issues and that constantly feeling miserable and obsessing over how I was Evil was not only not a vital prerequistive for moral growth, it was actively making it harder for me to make moral choices.
But, I mean, these things take time. I guess. Sure would be nice if it was possible to just wave a magic wand and not have harmful core beliefs anymore that you knew on an intellectual level weren't true and were harmful to you, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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no-light-left-on · 2 months
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every person who writes dh1 setting whalers-centric fics that gets me thoroughly invested in what are essentially all ocs I am kissing yall on the mouth
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miodiodavinci · 2 months
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good news: we have water again ! ! ! a pipe had burst somewhere up the street so the city came out and fixed it today (we still need to run the tap to get rid of the air and muddy water but. it's something.)
bad news: i had to go to my partner's to do laundry and shower so i missed out on work time today (bad) (anxiety inducing) (i don't need this right now)
worst news: i have a killer headache and my throat is suspiciously stiff 👁 👁
#please please please for the love of god ; ; ;#i am begging and pleading do Not let this be a repeat of last semester ; ; ; ;#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ;#i am. suddenly stuck by The Unwelcome Guest last week cryptically asking me when you're supposed to test for covid#and then saying 'hmm. okay. good to know.' and then refusing to elaborate#i swear. to god if she got me sick i'm#i. can't even say. i'm suddenly struck by such helpless grief thinking about how little i can do to keep her from being in my life ; ; ; ;#we literally Evicted her she all but threatened my older sibling into letting her visit weekly to take care of her potted plants#and then in october last year she was like 'my roommate has covid and i don't have money for a hotel i have nowhere to go :'('#so the agreement was she could stay for One Week#and basically she has been. on and off our couch since then.#like. only going back to her apartment for 1 to 3 days at a time before spending another two weeks in our house.#with new excuses every time.#and literally Every Time I Say No And Put My Foot Down older sibling begs on her behalf because she's busy hounding and guilt-tripping them#so like. what can i even do if it turns out she infected me with covid because she didn't care to disclose that she was feeling sick#(and decided to come over anyway)#i'm just. overwhelmed ; ; ;#i feel like crying ; ; ;#i'm already busy pre-mourning the loss of my mental health and down time with my internship starting back next week#i don't need to worry about whether or not i'm going to be bed ridden for 2 weeks#and suffer Even More lasting lung and brain and blood and fatigue issues on top of that ; ; ; ;#a a a a a i just. feel like crying a lot ; ; ; ;#i'm already behind ; ; ;#i should ; ; ; try to work more tonight before the inevitability of it all hits me tomorrow ; ; ; ; ;
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semperreformanda · 3 months
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should’ve just made a FAQ page for everyone’s questions about my baby/birth because it’s getting stressful answering the same questions and people throwing so many advice and unnecessary comments 🥲
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We're less than a month away from the Doctor Who 60th anniversary specials, and I can't help but think back on Sarah Jane Smith, inarguably the most important Companion in the history of Doctor Who and one of two Companions who was brought back for every single anniversary special until her untimely death. Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, the other Companion who was in every special until his death just 2 months prior to Elisabeth Sladen's, has had his legacy brilliantly upheld through his daughter Kate Lethbridge-Stewart. While the Brigadier himself has been absent from the past 2 anniversary specials, his daughter carries on his legacy and has appeared in every one that he missed.
But Sarah Jane, so beloved, so deeply missed, was not so honored in the 50th anniversary special. And that's partly because Lis' death was so sudden and unexpected nobody knew whether Sarah Jane should canonically be gone or not. But now, semi-canonically, the world of Doctor Who has also said farewell to Sarah Jane, and my most desperate hope is that, since she's canonically gone, the 60th anniversary specials will take a moment to recognize her or honor her in some way. We deserve to see the Doctor mourn her, the way we saw him mourn the Brigadier. We, as fans of Sarah Jane, deserve to see her honored in the show proper, and not just in the lockdown short that was made in her honor.
I desperately need Sarah Jane to get just one moment to be honored in the 60th anniversary specials, since she cannot grace them with her presence, whether that be through the appearance of her children, Luke and Sky, or through the appearance of her own companions, Maria, Rani, and Clyde. Because for so many young people, Sarah Jane Smith was their Doctor, even more so than the Doctor himself, and she deserves to be honored and remembered in Doctor Who's specials.
Until the main show actually honors her the way she deserves, I'm glad we got this:
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There is no one single piece of media that makes me cry more than this right here, and I really hope that the 60th anniversary specials can manage to surpass this by honoring her in some way.
We deserved at least another 20 years with her, but at least in the world of Doctor Who we got Sarah Jane for almost ten years longer than we got Elisabeth.
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fragmentedblade · 7 months
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The implications that Blade and Dan Heng remember more than they admit is driving me nuts
#Fragments and scraps#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Not just Blade's general drive but already what Kafka said about how she was going to take off his mind#the memories of Jing Yuan‚ Jingliu‚ Dan Heng *and Yingxing* made me think he remembers a lot more than he lets on#And then Todd's quest? How he is watching the High Elder statue‚ wonders if that guy was happy‚ and tells us he is 'mourning for folly'?#And that short line uttered in that precise location after this animated short seems even more meaningful#And then Dan Heng? The way he is there? The way he knows where to he at all?#And he pours the drink and it's almost a shared drink beyond time. Once again. Like they did before#Like the wish mentioned in that one leaked Imbibitor Lunae character story. He did get it. In a way. He did get it#The way Dan Heng gazes with eyes full of tenderness and sorrow also seems to imply that he remembers somewhat#Perhaps not all. Perhaps there's not even the feeling#But it feels a bit like mourning lost friends. A bit like the gaze Jing Yuan can't help but give him at times#Perhaps not a lingering feeling Dan Heng has‚ but at least the echo of a love that once was#It also felt like he was seeing them for a moment#It felt like he remembered them#'I am not him'‚ he claims‚ over and over. And he is not wrong. But it seems like the fondness Dan Feng had for his friends#transcended the barriers of death and accompanied him to his next life somewhat#And after centuries of nothingness still Dan Heng can't help but give a tender sorrowful smile to the friends that were#It's heartbreaking that something in the four of them is still mourning‚ each in their way and as they can#What is Blade's and Jingliu's drive for revenge if not that? What is Blade's 'mourning for folly' if not that?#What is Kafka unable to control Blade's mara in the Luofu if not that? What are Jing Yuan's bouts of tiredness‚ the pressure on his chest‚#the way he welcomed his old friends with a joke? What is it if not that the fact that‚ yes‚ after using them‚ but that he let them go?#What is the weight of Dan Heng's smile and his gesture pouring the drink if not that?#No wonder they can't move on if they loved each other so much it transcended duties‚ time‚ life‚ death and madness#Edit: as per Jingliu's quest this was obviously confirmed‚ especially and most intensely in Blade's case (19/10/2023)
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permanentreverie · 1 year
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on many levels I love Not Being American except for the fact what I want to see concerts
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ariesbilly · 3 months
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Sometimes a wave of grief will hit me so hard for someone who hasn’t even died yet
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americanphancakes · 10 months
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I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit
I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.
So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.
I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.
(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)
I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.
I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.
At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.
When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.
My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?
I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.
Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.
So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.
So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3
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cryolyst · 6 months
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#they speak!#ignore this#my coworker needs to move out and i can't tell if he was mostly joking or completely serious but he asked if i wanted to rent a place w him#and it's so tempting it's. so fucking tempting i want to move out so bad#and especially on days like today where i have to listen to my parents fail to communicate without getting loud and angry#like i feel so awful. i'm 22 and i still have to hide in my room and try not to cry. i can't live like this anymore.#and it feels so hopeless because what else can i do? fuck up my health even more by working more hours?#so i can afford renting a tiny place? when i'm already so unwell and struggling to take care of myself??#and i know i'm not at a place to cut my parents out of my life so i'd have to endure all the judgement they'll have about who i room with#and i know know know no matter who i room with there'll be judgement. because i can't even talk to friends casually without it lol#not to overshare on main but i was omw to work on friday and almost cried at the bus station#because i was thinking about how i never really had an adult in my life that really truly loved and nurtured me#like yeah i had teachers and later in my teens some community members that supported me and were positive influences with positive impacts#and as much as i am hurt by my parents they still very much cared for me and shaped me as a person. both for better and for worse.#and yeah be the adult that is there for yourself now and all that but.#i can never change the fact that there wasn't someone that was there. and i wish i could stop mourning but it's hard. it's so hard.#and one day it will get easier but for now i just have to endure it. i guess. hahaha. :)
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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year
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Self love
People tell me to love myself but what does that even mean? I'm not even sure what the self is but I've been digging and searching and rearranging the letters in my name, trying to find something that's really me for 20 years.
I've tried to identify with my pain, the things I love, the things about me that aren't normal and the things about me that are, I've tried to identify with my painful and angry body but I'm never really there, in any of those things.
It's like telling me to admire my skin when there's nothing but scar tissue left- I don't hate it for being scarred but it isn't skin and its painful to the touch. How can I love a thing that hurts? I can't even remember this abstract concept of "me" that I'm supposed to love. I'm looking for him and fearing he will never come back.
I've tried identifying with my choices but what does that say about me? Am I my motivations, the actions, or the results? I'm never sure those are good things. I've hurt people with my choices before and yes, I've learned from those things and yes, I consider them mistakes so maybe my motivations are good.
But I don't have many choices to make and I never have. It makes me feel powerless, small in an existential way. I don't particularly want to be powerful, I just want to exist. I hate that my choices have been taken from me. I will find my power if it kills me. I will find myself someday.
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tenspontaneite · 1 year
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The problem with all this delicious sad s4 rayllum is that it's such a different flavour to s1-3 rayllum that it is quite hard to channel my enthusiasm for it into my existing fics. F
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catspinach · 1 year
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my dog is pissing blood in his diaper and we gotta take him to the vet tomorrow.. hopefully its just a bad UTI but he's an old man and his time is coming....
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evadingreallife · 1 year
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🤷🏻‍♀️
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yeslordmyking · 2 years
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I'm so lonely and bored, but the company I want and the hobbies I want to engage in aren't holy, and I don't want to have to repent for doing what I like. I hope the changes my heart need to make come soon and with as little pain as possible.
Put on the new self. Even if you have no idea how not to be the old self anymore..
#I just wanted to be myself. now she has to go away forever and somebody else has to become my new self#someone I don't know. someone I don't feel like I'll enjoy being. someone who's not really real just someone i know I'm supposed to be#someone better. holier. more righteous. more pure. a good example... until that person becomes who I am naturally#a saint. I must become a saint. God will make me do it if I don't willingly die to who I am now. who I've always been#we're not supposed to miss and mourn our less holy selves. but I will#and I'm scared of the spiritually mature woman I have no choice but to become if I am to claim that I love God and want to go to Heaven#maybe this mentality will all be in the past#when i'm old and boring and want Heaven more than I want any future on this evil earth#but right now it feels like death even though I thought I already died when I got baptized. maybe I was still young and foolish then#this is the mature spiritual mindset I should've had when I got baptized but instead I was too caught up thinking I could get what I want#die to your flesh every day brothers and sisters. I guess the phrase 'even if it kills you' makes sense now#I just hope the people I pray for will be saved before the end even if I stop keeping up with them and knowing what to pray over them#at least let me have that Lord. if my life must become a wasteland of what I usually used to love please at least save what I love#so we can reunite in Heaven in purer holier forms that are acceptable to you#yeah... Ok rambling instead of sleeping.#nobody on here cares I scared away all oomf s long time ago... back to lonely full circle. goodnight to myself 🫂♡#night depression#late night thoughts#oversharing#tmi#christian struggles#personal#random#may it please the Lord
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