#i feel like i should be more scared or stressed or upset but
If you only going to text me to say goodnight, why text me at all
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Boy do i feel fuckin useless
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Mental Illness - My Mental Health Story
TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, Suicide, Sexual Harassment
“You should smile more.”
“It could be worse.”
“Just don’t think about it.”
These were the phrases I heard throughout all of my elementary and high school years. There was never a time when my peers and teachers, would not mention some bizarre, ignorant statement revolving around mental health. Not to mention, my family also contributed heavily to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Essentially, my family approached the subject of mental health with extreme hesitation, they refused to talk about how it affects people of all age, gender, ethical background (etc.) Every time I would say “I’m feeling lost” my family would automatically dismiss my frantic worries and it was not any different when I went to school. My peers would continuously remind me that my pain was not valid and that I need to stop being so sensitive. My primary parental figures, my mother and brother did not have the adequate knowledge or tools to be able to hold space for me. I would frequently hear my mom say, “I could understand someone suffering from PTSD feeling upset or sad but you’re so young and healthy honey, you have nothing to worry about” or the old classic “Someone else has it worse than you”. Whether I was at home or at school, I heard the same ignorant statements spewing out from what felt like everyone. And I could never comprehend what was the point of these falsely “encouraging” statements and why profusely use them? These kinds of statements do not uplift, nor do they empower those struggling with mental health issues, if anything it makes it extremely debilitating when your emotions are not acknowledged nor validated. One cannot expect to simply brush away another person’s emotion, thought or feeling as though it means nothing.
With that being said, growing up, I lived in a dysfunctional household alongside my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother. My mother would always be juggling work, schooling, and her dating life. My brother was very reluctant about staying home so he would always vanish after school, hang out with friends, party hard and engage with various street substances. Now my grandmother? It was not long after she immigrated that she began to immerse herself within the Jehovah’s Witnesses ideology and “religiously” strayed away from us as my mother likes to say. My mother was never fond of religious practices that were not “orthodox”. My grandmother wanted to indoctrinate my mom, brother, and I into joining her religious little club but failed which resulted in countless fights, yelling matches, and multiple dents left in our walls. The back and forth with the yelling was what scared me most in my childhood even if it was over something as small as not closing the cabinet door. I think it was around this time period I experienced violence/ trauma at home and truth be told I was extremely stressed and anxious all the time as a kid. My mother would cover the punched indents by taking magazines and sticking pages onto the indent. Often times my stomach would turn as I looked at the pages covering the area where my brother punched the wall with brutal force. Moreover, I felt impending sadness because all I ever wanted was for everyone in my family to be able coexist and not argue. I was trying to keep the peace between everyone, yet I was always the one that got caught in the middle of everything whether I liked it or not. I would get blamed a lot for trying to mend things for everyone. Even though all I wanted was the best for all my family members.
Fast forward to my pre-teen/ teenage years. By this point, my brother and grandmother were no longer living under the same roof as my mother and I. My brother was living with his ex-girlfriend while working as a security guard meanwhile my grandmother was living in her own little subsidized apartment preaching the word of Jehovah. At that particular time, my mother and I lived in a marvellous urban semi-detached house in a peaceful neighbourhood. My mother’s boyfriend had moved in with us and for the most part I was really happy because at least it was not just me and her.
My mother’s boyfriend lived with us while I was going to school. He was a really nice, caring and warm-hearted individual although I could never understand why my mother argued with him so much. I once told him “You should propose to her, I can see you two together forever” to which he replied with a welcoming smile.
But eventually just like with all good things, there comes an end. The inevitable breakup my mom went through was very bitter and I had to be there for her. Afterall, I was technically the only child that was around to emotionally comfort her. Ironically, the breakup occurred during the time I was being bullied in school. And it was difficult to be fully present for my mother while dealing with a lot of negativity at school. I had been experiencing cyber bullying on MSN by a bunch of peers calling me “weird”, “ugly” and “different”. To make matters worse, the group of kids that bullied me online ended up following me everywhere I went for recess which posed as a big obstacle for my well being. I had to eat inside the portables when teachers weren’t around or inside the girl’s bathroom stall just to avoid being teased. I never felt like I had a safe space to myself where I could be vulnerable and open up. Not to mention, it was a difficult time and there was practically no one I could confide in. I didn’t have a social circle of supportive friends, after all I was an antisocial person. Fear washed over me as I worried about disclosing my unpleasant experience to my mother because she was already dealing with so much, the heartbreak, the bills, work problems (etc.), it was then and there that I decided to lie instead of telling the truth. Ultimately, lying became my cooping mechanism to deal with the ongoing pain.
I kept up the lying for a long time in order to make it seem like everything was okay. I lied to everyone from family members to school peers to the teaching staff to principals to counselors.
For the longest time, lying sheltered me from all sorts of unnecessary questions. No one could really tell whether I was truthful or disloyal because I was able to make it sound believable. When I was a teenager, I continued to go down the same destructive path by being dishonest with myself and others. Many times, the thought of suicide crossed my mind and when I started to think about it and plan/coordinate the intricate details it did not hit me that something was very wrong, and I needed urgent help. A big part of the problem was that I was so used to downplaying my pain, given my family circumstance and stigmatization I experienced growing up with. There is no denying that I would engage in negative self talk convincing myself that I deserved the pain and suffering for not being likeable enough or for not being smart enough.
Sometimes I think that is the thing… people do not understand that I lied because that was what I was required to do in order to survive my childhood. I, myself do not tolerate lying and I think it is a form of betrayal and if I were to be completely honest, I would have NEVER lied to my mom had it been safe for me to express myself authentically in my household.
I did not live in a household where it was safe to speak my mind freely and disagree with my mother. Disagreeing was always the last thing I wanted to do, disagreeing meant I got the belt, my devices would get confiscated or that I was going to get grounded. They say, “Honesty is the best policy” and I do not disagree however, it is not as black and white as one may think. In my situation, lying was not only an adaptive coping mechanism but it became a survival mechanism to keep me safe from harm/threat.
I did not have very much individuality growing up. I felt as though having an opinion of my own was bad. In order to perpetuate this fixated mindset that I had, my mother constantly deemed certain attributed behaviours or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. So, say you were upset about a recent breakup with your partner, my mother would scoff and say, “You know life isn’t just about love right?” and play it like it means nothing to the person affected by the situation.
The first time I ever felt depressed was when I was 13. At that age I did not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. It did not help when I was being picked on by my classmates telling me “Go die”, “You belong in a ditch ugly bitch.”
The moment when things started getting out of hand was when I was first started my Art and Family Studies class in the same semester. In both classes I was placed into groups amongst other students. In Family Studies I had to be in a collaborative group that would divide responsibilities and tasks accordingly. When it came to cooking, my group consisted of four snobby, rich yet immature peers who were unwilling to help and contribute in any shape or form, I had to become the bigger person and sure enough I took all the responsibilities on myself. Though, it was not a smart move. But I was super shy and felt anxious to do anything different least to say speak up and advocate for myself, so I did what I had to do which was prepare meals, clean, and wash the dishes. At the end of the day, none of my peers thanked me, the only thank you I got was getting groped while washing the dishes and getting laughed at.
After what happened I ran to my best friend in tears to tell her what happened just to find her say “It’s not that bad, you’ll be fine” I felt like my blood was going to boil and I was about to start fuming. I stood thinking “Huh, that is so weird, is this how you comfort a person after being sexually harassed?”
Not to sound all grim but that experience showed me that no one really cared about me. No one cared that I got groped or how I felt in that moment. Let alone not even my “best friend” who was supposed to fulfill her role and be there for me. All I wanted was comfort and to be heard out. I could not even tell my mother about this experience until I turned 21 because of how ashamed I felt carrying around that experience and not having the ability to open up and mourn what happened that day and to be able to heal that damaged part of myself. I carried that incident with me for 7 years in silence because I was scared of being honest.
That specific experience was very detrimental to my mental health. Everything began to spiral out of control, I sprawled into a dark depressive state. I began to have intense panic attacks, insomnia, forgetfulness (etc.) After a certain duration of time, I had thoughts of suicide lingering at the back of my head. I questioned my worth, my identity, my culture, my everything.
The bullying and name calling persisted and became so intense that I ended up missing weeks of school time. Some of the boys in my Art class found it funny to make fun of my last name and call me “Prostitute”.
One day in the early springtime, my Art teacher noticed the marks on my wrists as I was painting and had not said anything until I made it to my last period class. I was called down to the guidance counselors office and was interrogated with questions.
“It has come to our concern that one of the staff members noticed cuts on your arms.”
I sat in silence trying hard to contain my anxiety.
“Are you struggling with depression or low mood? Is everything okay at home?”
It came to the point when I got so tired of lying about my pain that I admitted “Yes, I am struggling, I need help”. I dived into the bullying occurrences, the cat calling, my low grades, my self-esteem, the groping, my home situation (etc). After that, I was told that my mother would have to be called down to the school for “safety” reasons even though my counselor promised not to disclose any personal information to my mother. My greatest fear was that I did not want my mom to know that something was wrong.
Of course, my mom came to my school. She was told everything that had happened. I met her at the counselor’s office just to find her wailing in distress “You are such an embarrassment” and “Your counselor told me what you did, how could you do this?”. When the counselor gave us resources for help, my mother grabbed the papers and shoved them into the trash, got up and yanked me out the office.
The next three days that followed, my mother withdrew into her room not saying a word to me. I felt really uneasy and upset. She had her right to be alone but locking herself away from me and avoiding communication altogether? Didn’t make much sense.
I felt extremely guilty for not opening up to my mother sooner. But instead of choosing to be compassionate and caring she chose to resort to anger. She furiously blamed me for being “quiet” and “not trustful” which all landed on my shoulders again. It was “my” fault I thought.
Bottling this up resulted in a full-blown mental breakdown. I could not focus or concentrate because of everything building up. It came to the point where my mom had to choose between living in a toxic community or starting fresh elsewhere.
And even though my mother kept subjecting me to her harmful stigmatizations, the transition from my old school to my new one helped me greatly. When we moved away, I gradually started to feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Very quickly, I ended up adapting to my new high school where I finally made friends.
One thing I cannot deny is that there definitely was a silver lining to all of this. Although I went through severe bullying and torment at school and home, I managed to reclaim my power and through that I discovered my inner peace after being extracted from my toxic high school. The new school that I ended up attending completely changed me and inspired me to become a more authentic version of myself. It was almost as though I did a complete 180°
My new peers and teachers were enthusiastic, open-minded and caring. The new community I was surrounding myself in was a very positive one that broke down stigmas and encouraged deep understanding and acceptance. My mind was blown when I found that it was easier to conversate with girls and guys at my new school, I was gradually becoming confident and more vocal, and I liked the feeling of not hiding myself away from the world. It felt rejuvenating to finally be heard and seen by others.
Slowly but surely, I began to partake in various activities at my school. I joined the Poetry Club which I would have never considered joining had I stayed back in my old school due to fear of how I was perceived. Ultimately, I started caring and nurturing myself more. My new friends supported me, and teachers began to openly listen to my stories and encouraged me to write. When I started writing, I realized that I could use this medium to cope with my depression and anxiety. The acknowledgment made a major difference in my life like never before.
If it were not for the transition from my old high school, I would have not made progress in developing into the woman I am today. I know that I am not my pain, I am not my mistakes.
Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes, of course. Just like any human being I have my days when I am not feeling the greatest however, I am more open to learning about how to engage with my mind, body and soul in order to soothe myself during turbulent times. I still have that inner critic however, I have been engaging with activities such as bike riding, painting, drawing, and reading to help occupy my mind which as a result has reduced the time that I spend ruminating. Occupying myself has worked magic, I am now able to reduce and control how much time I spend self-loathing, criticizing, and judging myself. Rather than judging every thought, I’ve learned to slow down and observe.
If you stuck along until the end of my story, I want to thank you for reading through my experience. My hope is that my story can shed some light on the myths and stigmas surrounding mental health, especially within the Eastern European community. I want you all to know that you are ALL valid and I wanted to be able to share my story so that my readers know that they are not alone.
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My thoughts (that nobody asked for) on Love, Victor season 2!
It's been two days (I think?) since I finished watching season 2 and while I was eating before I was like:"Ehy! Why not making a post on my blog on what points I liked and the ones I didn't like?". So here I am :)
Tag me if you're going to write this kind of post too because I'm really curious of the other thoughts!
What I liked:
the glow up of Victor's mom through the season. I MEAN, C'MON. IT WAS SOOO WELL REPRESENTED. You can actually see how she goes from "Have fun with your friend" to "I'm sure someday you'll find a person...no, you'll find a man perfect for you". loved it
Victor and Felix being stressed about their first time. FINALLY showing a group of (male) teenagers being super stressed and resulting dumb for that after. that was some quality content, especially because society puts so much pressure on males because they should always act confident while the females are the only ones allowed to be scared and nervous about this kind of things.
Victor's dad not understanding everything about the lgbtqia+ community, but doing researchers and going to a meet while still being supportive. That was so important. Representing that you can be supportive while not understanding everything and educating yourself for that: that's an ally.
QUEENS BEFORE PEENS
BI representation: Andrew, Lake, Pilar>>>>
Showing Felix struggle with his mom bipolar: paying the rent, making sure your mom took her pills, being afraid the police will divide you, being scared to ask for help because of judgement... I don't and I don't know other persons in this situation, but showing that the teenager can be more mature than the adult itself and just showing the struggle, I think it was really well done.
Felix relationship with Lake and Pilar: surprisingly enough, I'm really happy that the whole thing didn't feel forced. Lake and Felix had a good relationship. Lake brook Felix trust, and even though she had good intentions, Felix was right to be upset at her. The break-up didn't feel extreme and, personally, I wasn't sad but happy either about it. Pilar didn't seem like "Lake's replacement" for not even a minute because we already saw in the past season that she had a good bond with Felix. He made his choice and it's fine!
YOU TELL ME AND I'LL DITCH THESE GAYS LIKE A CORPORATION AFTER PRIDE MONTH
Rahim character: Rahim is just the purest ray of sunshine! He was essential to represent (with Victor) about coming out to really religious parents. I personally don't know a lot on how Islam relations with homosexuality, so I hope the writers are going to add more of it in the next seasons. But I also really enjoyed seeing a good feminine man representation. It wasn't stereotyped and that also reminded that sexuality hasn't a "look": everyone has their way of showing themselves to the world!!
I REALLY HOPE TO SEE MORE OF THAT GIRL WITH LAKE: she's pretty okay????
there's a lot of other things but I'm going to stop here lol
What I didn't like:
the love triangle with Victor, Rahim and Benji: okay dear writers, I know we need some spice and stuff, but I really think this drama was unnecessary and just made even more miscommunication. why couldn't Rahim just stay as a supportive friend? why couldn't Venji just show some healthy communication and figure out their problems individually and together as a good couple? PLEASE
the whole white thing (I don't know how to call it lol): so sue me, but I didn't really liked when Victor and Rahim conversation went like:
V: It's not that he doesn't understand, he's just... R: ...white?
now, hear me out. I think that there are some differences between being a white American and a white European. I think that's the main reason of how I felt called out lol (I'm from EU). Coming from a really White Christian family, I could really relate in part to Victor's position, so when Rahim dropped that out of nowhere I was a little bit: (0_0) ??
maybe I'm being a bitch, but I hope that by saying this I'm not invalidating anyone. As I said, I'm not an American, and I'll never know what it's like coming from a non-white family. And I don't feel offended by that line, just a little bit surprised I guess??
finally, I can say that this was probably my favorite season because it touched more deeply to subject that I'm more interested about. I still can't decide if the drama was actually essential or not though. I love Rahim with my whole heart, but Venji as a little place in my heart since day one :) DON'T HATE ON RAHIM THO PEOPLE!!!
I'm looking really forward for the next season, I just hope it'll not be just a big gay drama but that it'll stay focused on representing people the best they can and just spread love!!! ok bye and thx sm for reading :D
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I don't know what to do at this point hhhahah
Everytime I think I'm slipping out of depression, something comes back up like money or my mom giving me shit and I just immediately slip back in.
Worked at Amazon for a while and it fucked me up so badly in multiple ways that I haven't been able to will myself to work, and the money's dried up. I've no way to pay for the only thing distracting me from this shit. Ans everyone got mad at me for quitting even though they could see and hear that it was seriously taking a toll on me, and even suggested that I go work for Amazon AGAIN. all because the money is decent. And because of Amazon, I feel absolutely fucking worthless since I have no skills or strengths required for non-college jobs. I can't even drive because it scares me too much and my eyesight makes it too difficult to tell what the other person is doing or how far they are.
The mere thought of leaving the house or even money makes me want to scream and cry. My family is constantly forcing me to discuss jobs and careers and literally cannot fucking understand my desire not to be around people at all. And since I haven't gone to college (or plan to), I've no choice but to work with people and that thought alone is enough to bring me into a panic. I can't even think of a career I'd like to go into anyway; I have severe apathy which just makes it impossible to enjoy or take interest in anything. My life at this point is either just playing the same game (which I can't play anymore now) or wasting away in bed. I was so excited when my school shut down l because of covid and masks were mandatory because I didn't have to put up with people or be seen. But now that everyone's getting vaccinated, things are opening up again and masks are becoming irrelevant. I'm so scared about what's to come in the future since covid is no longer an excuse to stay home. I'm scared that I'm going to be thrown out because my mom is convinced I'm just "lazy" and "taking advantage of her"
Don't even think I'll be able to apply for disability since I haven't worked long enough and I haven't been officially diagnosed with what I suspect to be agoraphobia (...yet). Dunno if I even will, since it might just be passed off as regular ol' anxiety. I've started meeting with a therapist, but I only meet her once every few months, and my mom is obviously going to get upset that she has to pay for it so that's even more shit I get to deal with... I hear it's hell to get disability for agoraphobia anyway and the checks practically scrape the bottom of the barrel so not sure if it'd even help at all.
And of course no matter what I do or how I feel, I'm constantly berated by good ol' mother because I apparently have no right to feel sad or exhausted or anything since I'm unemployed. And she constantly reminds me that I owe her about $3k (for things that she should be providing a teen in the first place). And then she reminds me of how she might die at anytime or her suicide plans, as if that makes things any better. I can't even sleep anymore because of the stress just piling up and having no ability to vent or do something about it.
I don't know what to do anymore, and It's bound to get worse since I've no way to take my mind off it anymore. I'm ready to just give up. Everything is going to get worse and worse until I just can't take it anymore. I just wanna be happy for once, but life wants me to suffer as much as possible.
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Castaspella Masks her Emotions (constantly)
time for another over-analysis of a character the writers didn't think about NEARLY as much as I do.
(in fact, do not even bother reading if you ship this. It's not for you. It will never be for you.)
I already mentioned a couple times in this post and this post that Castaspella is actually pretty good at remaining calm in stressful situations, at hiding her emotions.
Shadow Weaver is a master manipulator, and it takes her quite awhile to get a reaction out of Castaspella, despite being there for hours.
But Castaspella doesn't just mask her emotions in stressful situations.
Aunt Casta, I've seen the ceremony dozens of times, and we're all really tired from travelling. Maybe we'll skip it this time?
Nonsense! Your friend Adora hasn't seen it, and it's quite a sight to behold for a newcomer. Besides, don't you want to spend more time with your Aunt?
Of course! But we also really wanted to show Adora the beach!
Well, if the beach is the only reason you're here, I really shouldn't keep you, should I? I certainly wouldn't want to waste your time.
Auntie, I didn't mean it that way.
Castaspella is, understandably, upset. Her niece rarely visits, and when Castaspella drops everything she's doing because her niece popped in unannounced with a new friend, it turns out— her niece was just using her for Mystacor privileges. It's not a "adora, meet my fun + cool aunt!", despite the fact Adora was perfectly fine and even excited to have a tour of Mystacor. She even seemed happy with how affectionate Castaspella is.
But Glimmer wanted the beach, and the steam grotto. Adora was fine with hanging out with Castaspella— she was having fun on the tour, even, up until she saw a shadow spy.
And as soon as Adora runs out of the room, as soon as she has a reason to— Castaspella acts as if the conversation just hadn't happened, as if she's perfectly fine. She returns to being Mystacor's Tour Guide for her niece and her friends, until Glimmer rubs salt in a wound.
Castaspella doesn't hate Angella. But it certainly must feel like Angella hates her— she keeps reaching out, only for Angella to reject her time and time again.
She's lonely. She has no family— her sister-in-law won't speak to her and her niece is using her for Mystacor privileges, and her brother is on a deserted island.
And Castaspella doesn't believe in the Princess Alliance, or the Rebellion— why would she, when she was a part of the first failed Alliance? Why should she believe that the addition of a traumatized teenager is going to change everything, going to succeed where everyone else failed?
Glimmer doesn't ask Castaspella to join the new Alliance, so we don't get to hear her thoughts on it more clearly. But the fact she isn't very involved in the war efforts is enough to know her stance. Mystacor is her priority.
And once again, Castaspella swiftly brushes the Angella thing aside, this time in favour of trying to scare Adora.
Castaspella has obviously held onto these feelings for a long time. With Angella having rejected her, Glimmer using her and Micah presumed deceased, it's not that big of a surprise she'd hide these feelings.
Which, according to this article, at least, is probably so she can avoid getting hurt. After all, Angella rejected her, Glimmer doesn't seem to like her half the time and Micah is presumed deceased.
As long as her niece still visits sometimes, right? (the only family she has.)
There is, however, a moment in this particular episode she does lose her cool— when Adora almost endangers Mystacor. No one has told Castaspella anything about Adora— nothing about her being raised by Shadow Weaver, the fact she didn't sleep, nothing.
And Glimmer and Bow didn't even know Adora was seeing shadow spies. She's out of the room for a minute and suddenly Adora has destroyed...
Castaspella actually exits the room, quite possibly to calm down. Despite Adora very nearly putting Mystacor in danger, Castaspella actually gives Adora a room to sleep in, and very notably, doesn't ban her from Mystacor. I think we all know Norwyn would have.
...and as soon as Adora gives her a reason to trust her, she does. (and appears not even a little peeved about the things Adora destroyed, which is honestly amazing.)
That, unfortunately, marks the end of Castaspella's appearances, up until S2 EP1, her second and probably briefest appearance.
Yes, it's a shame you couldn't be there in the battle where the alliance was formed.
I knew you'd bring that up here.
Angella's reasoning for bringing this up is quite unknown to me. We don't actually see Mystacor at all during the Battle of Bright Moon episode, and as such, we have no idea what Mystacor was going through.
I mean, if Entrapta's meddling with the Black Garnet was causing that to happen with the weather, what would it do to a floating kingdom? For all we know, Mystacor could've been collapsing.
Castaspella is calm, perhaps a little exasperated, to state that she knew Angella would bring this up, and bring it up in a public setting no less. She doesn't get any more speaking lines this episode.
I've seen portrayals of Castaspella where she is, quite frankly, a mess of emotions. All emotions, no logic, essentially.
Again, I've already talked in this post about her calmness during S3 EP1. So, onto her next appearance in Part 2.
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!!! hyper specific scenario - that’s kind of a request but you don’t have to do it uwu - but
super close long time besties (maybe they met when sal moved to the addison and then stayed friends when everyone went to college) sal and y/n arguing and confessing they’ve been in love with each other the whole time but didn’t tell each other
we stan some mutual pining idiots who can only fess up when yelling i-
apologies if that didn’t make any sense btw it is. so late in my time zone
this is one of my favorite tropes omg the confession arguments i love it i love it
sorry if the reader is kinda out of character for your personality, i tried to pick something basic but idk
sal confessing during an arguement - gender neutral reader
✧i was kinda unsure as to what to make the fight about
✧so hear we go ig, it might suck and im sorry agh
✧you guys have known each other for like
✧a really long time
✧and you've developed some strong mutual feelings for each other, but are too scared to admit it in fear you'll mess up the relationship
✧see, when you moved out on your own, you kinda started focusing on school work/your job way more than your own health
✧sal gets kinda worried upon seeing that you're not taking care of yourself as much as you used to, he doesnt want anything bad to happen to you
✧he knows you can do whatever you want, he just was kinda upset that you weren't taking care of yourself, it made him anxious
✧he asks if he can talk to you about something later and you agree, not thinking it was anything serious
✧sal starts telling you that he's been worried about you overworking yourself and that he thinks you should take some time for yourself because of how stressed you seem
✧and of course, its completely reasonable, however, you just kinda get defensive, saying how your school/work is more important
✧maybe you're scared of failure, maybe you just wanna impress people with your success, maybe its a completely different reason, but you just feel like you have to be productive and work all the time
✧so you get slightly annoyed at being called out and you and sal get into a slight argument
✧eventually, you just ask, "why does it even matter to you so much? why do you even care?"
✧and he's upset at this point and just kinda blurts out "i care so much because i'm in love with you!"
✧and it just gets really quiet as he realizes what he had just said
✧you ask him if he really meant it, and he figures theres no use in denying it anymore, after all he had just yelled it
✧he gets up to leave, annoyed at himself for messing everything up when he hears you behind him
✧"i'm in love with you, too."
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Hello tumblr, this is my first post here and I don't know how to use this app, don't even know if anyone will read this because it's so long.
I've never had a twitter account and I'm so fucking happy about that but I had been checking the trending and looking through the tweets at one point to see what people were saying and thankfully recently I stopped, but of course yesterday I was so stressed out I went to look at what people were upset about.
I have been a fan of Tommy since last summer so when he was getting the recognision going from under 1 mil subs, I was very excited and the trending always meant people were sharing their theories, words of appreciation, overly positive stuff so it was great being a part of that. And I'm not saying this because I want to be ignorant torwards things that at any point were /neg and important because they were and they were also addressed. But I want to say the world is a constant change and people need time to adapt because we are not gods that know about everything and every day there is something new that can be misinterpreted.
What I want to say is a lot of the change is overwhelming. It happened really fast from "omg a new, entertaining, young cc, I'm happy for him" to "you must be perfect or you should be called out". I'm not saying that twitter is bad now because people are not overjoyed/people are upset, please don't assume that. It's really good to bring attention to matters that should be brought up. People have rights to be upset about things that don't upset me. But it's one thing to aknowledge negative stuff and other to be hateful which I've seen more of.
I am white, a teen adult, not trans and also I can only consider myself an ally of lgbtqia+ because I still don't know enough about myself to say I'm an asexual. I know people will say I am priviliged and I am of course but that doesn't change the fact that I'm trying to know more about anyone's struggles but a lot of stuff is still out of my knowledge. My goverment is extremly homophobic, sexist, teach children to have anxiety and only allows people to feel accepted when they do as they are told. I'm sometimes scared to voice my opinions because even being a woman is enough to not be listened to. Also english is not my mother language so I never knew things like the n word or the r word or the f slur existed. So it's not a surprise that I learnt about them and about lgbtqia+ in my teen years and from the internet and also I'm sure there still is plenty to learn. With saying that I am really upset that so many people nowadays think that every popular person has to be this or that or they do not deserve the platform they were given. They are also human. They will learn, especially when internet is their job, especially when they said that they are keen on learning.
How can you expect someone not having your problems to understand them like you do and get upset at them for it. Just like you shouldn't expect people to know how it hurts being shot with a gun when they have never been shot. Just like I don't want to expect my friend to know how it feels to be suicidal when I voice my feelings. Seek help from educated people if you need it and seek knowledge from reliable resources. Content creators are people who CREATE CONTENT, it's their name. They are not here to give you a therapy session, they are not a president, they are not people who are supposed to do God's work, they don't have to be an activist, they can get overwhelmed, they are people just like you and me and people around us. And I think Tommy is very mature to admit that.
He said many times that he is not aware of everything and that's why he shouldn't be expected to voice his opinions on every matter and that is 100% valid. He said that he doesn't want to show his true self to the internet because his personal life is his personal life, 100% valid. He said he does content because he wants to make videos that can bring fun to others and he didn't sign up to be a role model, that is once again imo 100% valid. He is young and probably in need of a role model just as much as half the audience, he is not a superhero or a god, he is a normal teen boy, this shouldn't be hard to understand.
Personally ngl I've seen more poc people say they don't care about Schlatt than say that they have the right to decide who is Tommy's friend but they never get much likes because as much as "let people affected be heard" is twitter's motto, they only let people who get offended speak. By that I'm not saying there are no people both affected and offended, there are and have every right to be and we all know it but it is blown out of proportion.
I honestly feel disgusted by the behaviour of some people on twitter. They also have a big platform without realising it. It starts with a few likes and then people will like whatever gets likes and seems nicely written and the train goes on. Some of them, word things to get their anger out in a hateful manner and try sugarcoating it with "educating" when it's clearly added only so people can't call them out. It terrifies me that one day I see people say "I had a bad dream, I'm so sad" with others responding "I'm so sorry, drink water, get some sleep, it will get better" and the next day the same people can go and be hateful to the point of saying kys to a person who they don't agree with.
In my eyes there is also a problem with twitter yelling "that is wrong" but not realising why and how/if it affects anything. If Tommy says something wrong but tries his best to correct himself then shouldn't we focus on the intent more than on the terminology? How is it possible that "I don't want to offend anyone and if I do I'm sorry, I don't mean to and will correct myself, I just don't want to speak up on some matters because I don't feel responsible enough, I'm sorry if I used a wrong word to say something" is sitting next to people calling him names because he got a word wrong?
I also hate how people started tweeting "Tommy still doesn't understand that we weren't calling him transphobic, he never learns". Excuse me? I was there looking through thousands of tweets bluntly saying he was transphobic for just having KSI in the video, I won't believe bullshit saying there was none of that. Actually back then I've seen more of that than any educating, so what the actual fuck. On top of that I can only imagine how much hate he gets in private dms and I can only hope he never opens them. At the end of the day a lot of them are children who are fueled by anger and will probably regret it in a few years but that doesn't change the damage.
Also how fucking hypocritical and brutal and cold hearted is belittling Tommy's therapy because he doesn't show a lot of his anxiety (he also said that he doesn't do streams whenever he's upset/sad/angry but just so he can share positivity and joke around) but when it comes to anyone else (cc or a fan) who is willingly, openly talking about their mental health, it's treated with such care.
I feel so bad for him, it aches my heart to think how he must be feeling. He is literally trying his best to have a welcoming community when no one has to be judged, but he gets judged the most by the same community. Yesterday I got so stressed from twitter I had gag reflexes and almost cried and this is the reason for which I only keep up with updates accounts on twitter and that's my limit there and also why I installed tumblr some time ago to get myself to calm down and it worked yesterday too so I'm so very thanful for you guys here.
There is honestly so much more but it's already a big rant, so sorry about that. In coclusion I would like to say that if you want the world to be a nicer place, then start by being nicer. If you want people to know more, then let them learn. If you send hate to anyone, then stop and start thinking not only about your hurt but also about theirs. If you find that something is an issue that should be spoken about, then speak about it, there are a lot of people wanting to speak up, people with platforms that are made for this purpose, I see updates accounts retweet this kind of things all the time. Sure, cc has a much bigger audience but that doesn't mean you can't contribute without them and it's much better than someone speaking up about something they are not educated on.
One last thing: whoever you are, take care of yourself if you are overwhelmed, try distracting your mind, remember that you don't have to and won't ever know every single person's opinion on every single matter (that is something I got from Bo Burnham's "Inside" and it helps me with the anxiety I get from twitter so I hope it can help someone else too :) )
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I'm beginning to feel suicidal again. literally everything is making me cry and feel lonelier and lonelier and more and more stressed out. like I feel like I'm bearing everything alone
I don't need people to reach out to me. I'm not in danger to myself and I don't plan on doing thing. it's just a horrible sense of constant disappointment and pervasive loneliness and constant constant generalized feelings of rejection.
people try to make plans with me and then I can't join them because my brain and body won't let me and then I feel left out and completely alone.
I'm lucky I have a few friends I can reach out to but lately I've been dealing with a lot of silence and white noise. I keep having to readdress the fact that I was super happy and had a lot of hope before the pandemic laid me off and now I'm dealing with being stuck in a ditch.
I feel like I'm choking on dust.
I thought I was healing but I feel worse again. like all my effort is meaningless. and I can't even be upset because my upset results in blame placing and isolation.
I literally cannot take any more disappointment. I am super lost and out of control and scared of rejection and the walls are caving in and I keep making these sad fucking self pitying posts. I keep thinking people are perceiving me as miserable and incapable of growth.
the reality is that my growth doesn't feel like it's leading up to anything. like my efforts are just leading me to a dead end. I know I should be seeking out my own approval but it feels meaningless right now. I just want to stop existing.
I don't want to die I just want to be outside of this experience and time. I feel like I can't go anywhere now. I feel like I'm just a fucking background character.
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The First "I Love You" With Them (Stray Kids x Reader) - Maknae Line
Synopsis: The first time you ever say "I love you" to each other.
A/N: Here's the Maknae Line version as promised! Again, I got carried away on Felix's and it's sooooooo long in comparison to some of the others haha
<- HYUNG LINE (+ HYUNJIN)
The two of you are attempting to make a cheesecake using a recipe Felix had recommended, but it isn't going very well. Jisung usually left the baking to Felix at the dorms, while you had only ever baked cookies and basic cakes - cheesecake is a unique experience for the two of you, but you'd wanted to give it a go because it's Jisung's favourite dessert. However, there are a lot of steps you needed to take in-order-to make it perfectly, and due-to both your limited experiences of baking, it was far more complicated than you had anticipated.
"Do you think we should just give up?" Jisung finally asks you, ready to admit defeat, "I can just go buy one from the shops, we can always try again some other time...maybe with Felix around to supervise."
You sigh, turning away from him, "Yeah...I guess."
Jisung is quick to notice your drop in mood, and it makes him sad to see you so upset. You feel his hand softly rest against your arm as he tries to comfort you as best he can - this is a fairly new relationship, so you're both still learning about each other.
"Hey Y/N...don't be upset" he speaks gently, "I know we might have spent 2 hours in this kitchen for nothing but it wasn't all bad, was it? We got to spend a lot of time together and I had fun."
"I know, it's not that" you tell him.
"Then, what is it?" he asks you, "Let me help you."
"I just...I wanted it to be perfect" you flap, "You love cheesecake so much and I know how excited you were for making one together today, but it's all gone wrong and now you're going to have to settle with a crappy one from the store. I really must be the worst significant other ever."
"What? No! Don't say that, I love you!" the words had come falling from his mouth before he could think twice.
You freeze, before slowly turning around to face him. He looks at you, slightly alarmed by his own words, but still affirmative - "You don't have to say it back if...if you're not ready to, but please just know that I meant it" he says suddenly.
You smile fondly at him, before pressing a sweet kiss to his cheeks, "Han Jisung...I love you too."
His face lights up, "You do?"
"I do" you confirm.
He quickly picks you up and swings you around, before placing you back down on the ground. He looks at you reassuringly, "Honestly, Y/N...don't worry about the cheesecake. I was more excited about spending time with you than I was making one, and I got to do that and finally tell you how I feel. I don't see anything wrong with today at all."
You're running around your apartment like crazy, trying to make everything perfect for this afternoon whilst rapidly running out of time, considering Felix is due to arrive about another 10 minutes. It's your two months together as a couple, and you'd suggested putting on a home-prepared afternoon tea for the two of you at your place. You agreed to supply the savoury food while he agreed to supply the sweet treats seeing as not only does he love baking, he's also damn good at it.
You wouldn't normally stress too much over a date with Felix because everything was just so natural between the two of you, but today was going to be...special; today, you were going to tell Felix you loved him for the first time. You've been toying with the idea of saying it for a few weeks now, but you kept scaring yourself with it. You didn't know if it was still too soon to be saying it, but then you wondered if he'd be upset if you didn't say it soon. You really wish relationships came with an instruction manual so you didn't have to work these things out for yourself. Anyway, after speaking with your best friends, they told you that you should do what feels right to you...and telling him does feel right to you. You know that you love him, and you're ready to tell him. That's why you're so hell-bent on tonight going perfectly.
There's a knock at the front door just as you're placing the final set of plates on the table. Taking a deep breath to let go of all the stress you're feeling, you answer the door to find Felix smiling at you on the other side. He's dressed in faded blue jeans and a nice white shirt, and is holding a large box, presumably with the sweet treats he had promised you.
"You look..." you begin, "...wow."
"Thanks" he laughs, "So do you."
You smile softly to him before stepping back and inviting him inside. He makes his way straight into the kitchen where you had set everything up and he smiles widely, making you feel proud of yourself. The table was set perfectly, but you'd also decorated the room with tealight candles and had put a playlist of the songs the two of you love the most on in the background.
"This is so..." he speaks gently, "...wow."
You burst into a giggle, "Is that going to be our word from now on? Wow?"
He blushes in embarrassment, you pressing a light kiss to his cheeks - "I'm glad you like it. It took a lot longer than I had anticipated, but I think it was worth it" you tell him cheerfully.
"You know...I would have been happy to come around earlier to help you set things up" he replies, "I feel bad knowing it took you a while."
You twist your face at him, "No...no...I enjoyed it, and I wanted it to be perfect, because...well...I...I guess you'll find out later."
He raises his eyebrows, "That sounds...ominous."
Now it's you who is blushing, "It's nothing bad...I think...I hope."
When he's about to question you further on the matter, you quickly push the conversation on, hoping you haven't ruined the surprise - "I left a plate for the cakes, do you want to take them out the box and put them on there?"
His face, for the briefest moment looks panicked, as if you've rumbled something you weren't supposed to. It makes you feel confused with a weird sense of guilt. You're not quite sure why he looks so panicked or what you've said that made him feel that way, but it makes you feel bad. You raise your eyebrows at him, inquisitively.
"Um..." he mumbles, "...actually, could I just leave them in the box for now? You've prepared the table so beautifully, I don't want to clutter it too much."
You look at him softly for a moment, wondering why he insists on keeping them in the box. Perhaps he just feels self-conscious about them? Or maybe he wants whatever he has baked to be a surprise? You simply nod your head and take the box from him, placing it on the bench next to the table, before the two of you sit down to start your afternoon tea.
Conversation focuses on your plans for the summer, him telling you about Stray Kids' next comeback (minimal spoilers, of course) and you telling him about a potential road trip with your cousins at some point. He's complimentary of the food you had made, especially the small savoury pastries, and asks you for tips on how to make pastry as good as them - "It's the one thing I struggle to bake from scratch, but these are perfect, so you need to teach me!" he exclaims enthusiastically.
Whilst conversation flows easily between the two of you, the nerves begin to creep up on you, as you start trying to work out when to tell him how you feel and how to tell him. Maybe you should simply 'spit it out' and get it over and done with, but that seems a little insensitive and impersonal, so maybe you should give a little speech beforehand. Or would that just be overdramatic? Urgh! You hate this! You wish you were one of those people who didn't get nervous about this sort of thing.
"Do you uhh...do you want to start on the sweet treats?" Felix asks, a slight hesitation in his voice.
Your face lights up as you nod excitedly- you'll have dessert first, that will bide you some time to figure out what you're going to do. Felix smiles back to you nervously, standing to his feet and collecting the box from the bench. He placed it on the now empty table in front of you and gestures to it with his hands.
"There" he sighs, but he still seems nervous.
You tug the box open gently and lift the lid, and that's when you see why he has been acting so shy all night. Inside the box are a selection of cupcakes - all different kinds; some chocolate, some vanilla, some red velvet, some caramel - but each of them are decorated with a letter, all of them coming together to spell out a very simple message - I love you.
Your heart immediately bursts at the gesture, but you soon find yourself laughing, pretty much uncontrollably. How could this be? You've spent the whole night stressing about saying the exact same thing to him, and he beat you to it. This pretty much sums up your entire relationship, always trying to playfully outdo each other on who can shower the other with the most love. When you look back up at him, however, he looks at you with a hurt impression.
"Was this too cheesy?" He suddenly asks, "That's why you're laughing, isn't it?"
Your eyes widen as you shake your head, "Felix, no, I'm laughing because...you aren't going to believe it when I tell you."
He furrows his eyebrows.
"Felix, there's a reason I went so hard on getting tonight perfect" you tell him, "And that reason was because...well...I wanted to tell you that I love you."
He let's out the cutest gasp in realisation, which makes you feel shy - "but it looks like you beat me to it, huh?" you add.
"Oh" he remarks, "Let's re-do it. I'll put the cupcakes away and you can tell me you love me and then I'll show you the cupcakes and we'll laugh because you beat me to it."
He's about to do exactly that when you gently take him by the hand and pull his attention back onto you. You stand up and take a few steps closer to him - "No, I'm...I'm glad you got to it first. I've been worrying myself all night about the perfect way to say it to you, but you beat me to it in the most perfect way, and now I can tell you how I feel knowing you feel the same. I love you, Lee Felix, I truly, truly love you."
The sun shining through the curtains wake you up at an ungodly time of the morning. Rolling your eyes, you stretch out your body and lay staring up at the ceiling, thinking of all the things you had to do today. Nobody told you that being an adult came with so much responsibility. You wish you could go back to when you thought being an adult simply meant you were allowed to drink that special "adult juice" your parents spent so much time talking about.
You sigh to yourself, reaching for your phone for an early morning scroll through your Instagram feed. You never minded looking at social media in the early hours of the morning because all of the people from other time zones to you were posting, and you liked to actually see their content in real time.
However, what you weren't anticipating when you unlocked your phone was the amount of message notifications you had received from your boyfriend of four months in the earliest hours of the morning, two hours ago. You furrow your eyebrows to yourself; the two of you may not have been together for very long, but you had already worked out Seungmin wasn't the type of person to ever bombard you with messages like this at any time of day, let alone at 1am. The only difference is that he went over to a friend's for their birthday last night and had been drinking.
You clicked onto his messenger profile and read through all of his messages. He'd started off reasonably coherent, simply telling you about what he'd been drinking and recommending a certain cocktail to you. As the night progressed, he got more and more drunk, notable in his declining grammar meaning you could only just about decipher what he was saying. Most of it was just "I'm so drunk" and "I am going to be so hungover in the morning," which made you chuckle to yourself.
However, the most recent messages he sent an hour ago were actually voice messages - four voice messages, to be exact. You smile to yourself - if his messages were so badly coherent, how was his speech going to be? No doubt this would be something that would come back to haunt him one day. Sitting up and making yourself comfortable, you listen to them all one-by-one.
Voice Message 1: Y/N, it's Seungmin. Have you been getting my messages? I thought you might be awake still, but clearly not. I hope you're sleeping well and that you listen to this when you wake up. You know...I really must love you, if you're the first person I message when drunk.
Your heart nearly leaps out of your chest. Did he just say what you think he just said? Does he even realise he just said what he said? You play the first one again and, no, your ears weren't deceiving you - he really did say 'I love you.' Honestly, you could cry. You and Seungmin had only been together for a few months and you'd never uttered those words to each other before. He's somebody who is quite reserved and doesn't say things unless he means them, so your heart is in overdrive over him saying this - but, then again, he's drunk. Drunken words speak sober thoughts, right? Bracing yourself, you listen to the second voice message.
Y/N...that last message, I said something quite surprising, didn't I? I think I surprised myself saying it, but I mean it. I know I'm drunk so maybe you're thinking I don't really know what I'm saying, but trust me I'm not that kind of drunk. I always know what I'm talking about.
You can't help but laugh. It is oddly comforting to you that even in his drunk moments, he is still adamant he knows exactly what he is doing. You instinctively press play on the third as you laugh away to yourself.
Y/N...I keep feeling weird about these voice messages. I'm sorry for springing this on you like this, I wish I had waited until I was sober to do it so that I could articulate myself better...you deserve that, I'm sorry.
A sadness washes over you as you imagine Seungmin - albeit a very drunk Seungmin - making himself panic like this. It's cute in a way that he wanted the confession to be done in the 'proper' way and is disappointed in himself that he failed in doing that, but honestly...you weren't disappointed or upset that it came out in a drunken voice message. Yes, it might have been nice for him to have done it in-person, but there's something about the spontaneity of him doing it like this that has touched you. Finally, you listen to the last voice message.
Y/N...Minho says I'm being a pussy and I should just be assertive about my confession. So, that's what I'm going to do, because he is right...I am a pussy. Y/N, I love you, you make my heart very happy.
At this point, you are crying - partially because your boyfriend just told you he loves you for the first time, but also because the whole situation is hilarious to you. The way he said it so nonchalantly, to fretting about it, to just accepting it. The man barely ever drinks, and the one time he does, he goes on an entire emotional rollercoaster.
Once you finish laughing-slash-crying, you begin to feel bad over how much he was clearly fretting over it, and you want him to know that you aren't mad at him. A lot of people expect the first 'I love you' to be like it is in the films and TV shows, but you've never been that kind of person. What matters most to you is that he said it; that even in his drunken state, it was still important enough for him to send you voice message you straight away and not simply wait until another time. You're over the moon, and feel as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders - now that he's said it, you know that the relationship is heading in the direction you were hoping it would.
Now, it's your turn to give him the same reassurance, and you choose to do it the only way you know how - with a voice message of your own.
Seungmin...it appears you're a bit drunk, huh? I hope you're sleeping it off well, because you're going to be regretting it when you wake up. Also, thank you for listening to Minho and being assertive about your feelings - Minho is a smart guy, I've always liked him - but now it's my turn to be assertive. I love you too, Kim Seungmin, I love you and your drunken voice messages more than you will ever know.
Your head rests gently on Jeongin's shoulder as you both sit on the sofa watching a Marvel film with the other members. Friday night film night had become a staple in your relationship with Jeongin rather quickly, the two of you always snuggling up on the sofa together while the others deliberately pretend like they're disgusted by your display of affection. It was perhaps your favourite night of the week, but you would never tell the others that, otherwise they would start getting overconfident.
"Tony should have killed him while he had the chance" Changbin snorts.
You're watching Captain America: Civil War and Tony just found out that Bucky is the one who killed his parents. It's clearly a touchy plot point for the boys as they leap into discussion over who is to blame and who is in the right.
"Bucky can't help that he was brainwashed" Felix responds, "It's HYDRA who is to blame."
"Bullshit!" Changbin yells, "If this was your parents we were talking about, could you honestly say you wouldn't react the same way Tony did?"
"Of course I'd be mad" Felix agrees, "But I think shunning Bucky like that when he wasn't completely to blame wasn't entirely fair."
"I don't think it was Bucky he was shunning, I think it was Steve" you speak up, everybody turning to face you. You elaborate, "Tony isn't stupid, right? Tony is one of the smartest men on the planet, I'm pretty sure he has the capacity to understand that Bucky had no real control over his actions once his trigger words were spoken. Yes, he was angry at Bucky and he had every right to be, but I think he would have - at some point, at least - been able to see how Bucky wasn't the sole person to blame. I think that actually, if he was shunning anybody...it was Steve."
They continue listening intensely as you elaborate even further - "Steve and Tony had always had a turbulent relationship, but the biggest reason for that was because Tony envied Steve due-to the fact his father doted on Steve and, according to Tony's perception, doted on Steve more than he ever did him. However, Tony had great respect for Steve because he valued his father's opinions on people and Steve was this all-good, all-honest, all pure-of-hearted person according to his father. So, when it transpired that Steve knew the truth about his parents' deaths but deliberately kept it from him, he felt betrayed."
"Didn't Natasha also know the truth about Tony's parents?" Jisung points out, "Should he not also be mad at her?"
"On paper, yes" you agree, "But when you look at it more closely, you realise that Natasha knowing the truth wasn't the same kind of betrayal. When Natasha hid the truth from him, that was simply a betrayal of friendship; when Steve hid the truth from him, not only did he betray Tony's friendship, he also betrayed Tony's father's memory of him."
They all stare at you with inquisitive eyes, as if you've just given them something to think about. You quickly begin uncomfortable with how much attention they're getting, and you dramatically nuzzle your head into Jeongin's neck to hide from them.
"My girlfriend has a big brain!" Jeongin cheers proudly, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"
You immediately tense-up; you feel him do the same, and you're pretty sure the other members are able to sense the tension in the room judging by the way they are all deadly silent. You slowly remove your head from his neck and look up at him.
"No, you haven't" you tell him, "But I love you too, Jeongin."
Jeongin's face breaks out into the biggest smile, but you can't help but notice his face growing pinker and pinker by the second. You place your hand on his cheek and pull him in for a kiss on the lips.
You're suddenly broken apart by a pillow hitting the side of your heads. Seungmin glares at you both with a twisted expresision on his face - "For goodness sake, get a room!"
Without saying anything, Jeongin lifts himself off the sofa and pulls you up with him. The others stare at him with furrowed eyebrows.
"What are you doing?" Jisung questions.
Jeongin looks at them in confusion, "Going to get a room, what do you think?"
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I can’t stop thinking in extremes and it’s effecting my decisions
all my life I’ve thought about things and made decisions in a very black and white manner. For example, if something in my life is causing me stress or anxiety, I either have to keep going forward and putting 100% of my time into it or i have to completely quit and never look back. I can’t ever seem to just stay in the middle ground. I also avoid negative situations like the plague, I’ll see something bad that could potentially happen and tell myself I can never expose myself to it, and end up just hiding from everything. (I’ve been getting a little bit better at this lately. I have started asking myself if things are really as bad as a fear, it has helped a bit. Ive started to take more albeit small risks.) honestly if I had to compare this to anything it would be the flight or fight response. in which fighting continuing on as strong as ever and flight is literally just running away from the problem.
Im asking right now because I really need help to make a good decision. I don’t want to make the same mistake I always make. Over the past year I have been really obsessed with a particular piece of media. (Like I said, I am very prone to this because of my thinking. It’s always 100% or nothing) recently, that thing has been causing some stress in my life. It always happens, it’s a cycle, eventually drama or conflict comes up and it makes things harder to enjoy. And since I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with these things it’s making me really depressed and anxious.
my first thought as always when things started to come up that upset me is, pack up, leave, don’t look back, it’s not worth it. this time I was able to catch myself though, which is why I’m here right now. I don’t want to just drop everything and run like I always do. It’s proved very unhelpful to me. I figuativly lit aflame many many areas of my life out of fear, from friends, opportunities, places, activities, hobbies, etc. i know that that isn’t a good way to go about things. But I also know I need to stop making things the center of my attention, because nothing should be at the top of your mind all the time.
I know I could totally drop some parts of it, especially this particular thing. I could work on not obsessing and instead having a healthy, positive relationship with it. But I’m scared. I’m so scared. This anxiety overwhelms me and I just want to run. I want to run from every possible bad outcome and hide from every type of negative feeling. I know it sounds silly and inconsequential but that’s the point. It should be easy. But it’s not. If I run from this thing right now like I’ll always do I’ll just run to something else and the cycle will continue. I want to be strong this time. but It feels like everything is screaming at me not to. And I know I can’t listen to that voice in my head because it’s been wrong every time before but it just feels so loud and true.
if I keep thinking like this, I’m just going to keep cutting things out of my life until I have nothing left, then replacing them with things that inevitably have the same fate. How do I learn to deal with the anxiety that something could happen that could possibly upset me, and that I will possibly have negative experiences, or feel bad emotions. And how do I not do the opposite and just continue putting too much time and attention and value into things? I want to handle this well because I never have before but everything’s screaming at me to take the extremes and run from any pain or hurt or stress that I can and probably will experience at some point. I’ve had this sort of thinking all my life and I don’t know how to get out of it. I think I need help understanding what a healthy relationship with things in your life looks like, in this case entertainment. (shows, movies, books, etc, I tend to get very very fixated on certian things for months. My last two fixations literally lasted about 9 months each, it just gets very unhealthy. I don’t know how to enjoy things without doing this.)
submitted by /u/Summer4377
from Mental Health https://ift.tt/35cL4qp
Bonus Intersex! Scaramouche!
[[ WARNING: MINOR ANGST ]]
[[ Trans!Reader, Summary: Lovers for years friends for longer... you finally, finally, have to admit the truth, terrified but unable to live a lie. You can only hope Scaramouche won't hate you for, what you believe to be, your 'lies.'
Word Count: 1'265 ]]
You were living a lie.
You had known, for years, you couldn't keep existing like this, in a body that did not feel like your own, with a name that made your throat burn as you said it, it made your ears ring when you heard someone call you by it.
Even when he said it, with a sort of loving radiance in his voice, hidden thinly in public, and openly sung in private.
But it did not mean you could endure this agony for much longer. Too much pain. Too much exhaustion.
You thought about it, more and more. How would you even go about it? Telling him it up front? You seldom even knew his opinion on the matter... He reached to everything in disgust or anger, so that was no proper gauge, and you didn't think he'd be cruel in such a way, you didn't know.
And that was the whole issue, wasn't it? You didn't know how he'd react. You didn't know what he'd think.
You saw how, just today, he looked at you, staring with a single quirked brow, "I'm just stressed", you'd say, not a total lie but smothering much of the truth.
"There shouldn't be anything stressing you," he huffed, "You know I'm more than happy to rid you of anything upsetting you."
You smiled, weakly, "My mind is just... Not a happy place right now." You explained, gently.
"I'll arrange appointments with a therapist," he already smacked a piece of paper on a table, scribbling it down as an unintelligible note to himself, "Is there anything I should look for?" Meaning, what criteria to put for the poor Fatui worker that'd scour through all possible references and therapists for you,
"N-no, I'm sorry, I mean... I don't, that's not it." You fumbled out, trying to think of some other excuse, to cover up... There was too much in mind.
He stared at you, not hiding the worry in his face... and eventually, he just sighed, standing upright.
"Okay," he said plainly, "You clearly don't want to tell me. Tell me whenever you want to, I guess," he said with a dismissive wave, walking off already.
"What." He looked back at you, more than a little irritated.
"I love you."
He sighed, and smiled, just a little, "I love you too."
Weeks passed. Your fear did not diminish, and he kept bringing it up, if not trying to persuade you to tell him, he admitted he was worried that he did something wrong. Trying to reassure him was becoming more and more painful by the day--while it wasn't that he did anything, it was the fear that maybe he would. Maybe he wasn't as loving to you as you thought.
You couldn't remember him ever reacting to people who weren't the same as they were born with hatred... Well, no, you did, but he acted that way to everyone, so it didn't mean anything.
That made it scarier. You just had no idea--at all.
Finally, after he had cooked you dinner, you sat down, trying to relax your tense nerves as you minded your own business... But Scaramouche sat down beside you, looking at you.
"... Is there anything you want to tell me?" He asks, gently, a voice he reserves for manipulating others--and for truly trying to take care of you.
... You knew he was going to find out. Going to confront you.
And before you knew it, you were sobbing out, crying, babbling.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" You'd cry out, not even realizing that was your voice speaking, through broken sobs.
Scaramouche's expression was surprised--only for an instant, before it returned to that concerned look, and he held your hand gently, with reverence.
You told him everything.
You've known you weren't as you were born, trans, as you said, for a long, long time. Since before you met him.
You were scared--why risk losing one of the few people who treated you with-with just respect honestly, for something that, maybe, maybe could have been a phase? A lie? Just a... a story?
But Scaramouche only nodded, listening to your words through your sobs.
"I'm sorry," you whined, weakly, "I... I've known. I just didn't... I thought I could handle it. I didn't... I didn't want to lose you."
He nodded, "It's okay to be afraid."
"... But now you're mad at me, aren't you?" You asked, weakly, unable to meet his gaze.
"I'm hurt, not mad. I'm hurt you didn't trust me enough to tell me... But that's all." He reassured, "... I-I can relate, a little. I was... 'born'", he said that word oddly, "A man, and I am a man, but... I do, if only a little, understand."
You looked at him, trying to wipe away your tears. He pulled his hand away, you chasing it for a moment, and you saw him take off his shirt, undo it all.
Distantly, you remember you've seldom seen him naked. He told you, plainly, I don't want anyone to see. I don't like my body. You respected that. You didn't like your body, either, and he returned the favor, looking away when you were naked, unless you asked for his input directly.
As his shirt was off, you looked away from instinct, and he grabbed your jaw, and turned your head to look at him, "Don't look away," he scolded, gently. And, since he said so in an oddly angry-yet-adoring voice, you obeyed, looking at him... then his chest.
There was a black strip of fabric around his chest, and he moved his arms behind his back, and there was a gentle sound of clicking, and the fabric loosened, he sat back down and pulled it off, setting it out of the way, folded in half.
"Look at my chest-" he demanded, he had... breasts. Not massive, but enough so that you wouldn't be surprised if he had a vagina... actually, you were more surprised that you knew he had a penis, so...
"I'm not quite right," he admitted, "I don't know what happened, I've gotten it checked out, and it seems I'm not as much of a man as others. Not through my body, at least." He set a hand on your leg, "i know what it's like, a little, to not quite be where you want to be, what body you want to have. And I know a lot of people who have helped me, personally, so they can help you, too."
"Wait," you interrupted, "So you're... okay with this? That i've been lying to you?" You asked, still wanting to cry... and he frowned.
"Yes and no. I'm upset you didn't trust me," he said, "But as for your... identity? I have lied just as much, so I am as much to blame. I want to figure out how you can trust me more, but otherwise, I have no qualms against... any of this," he gestured between the two of you.
You hesitated... and then half leapt at him, holding him close. He made a small gasp of surprise, tensing... then he relaxed, and wrapped his arms around you as well.
"I love you," you whined, weakly, "I love you, I love you, I love you..."
"... I love you too. Should we talk about this tomorrow?"
"Yes... I... I just wanna hold you right now." He turned his head, trying to press a kiss to your cheek, and it landed on your ear.
"Alright. We can stay as long as you want."
"Thank you... i love you."
"I love you too."
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We had our virtual baby shower yesterday which was really nice but I feel like I should’ve enjoyed it more than I did. I guess it was a little difficult just because there were so many people and we didn’t really get to interact much with anyone in particular, and my husband messed up something with his computer so we had like 10 minutes worth of technical difficulties to start it off, which was really stressful. Then my brother in law kept talking over us and interrupting the games and I kept muting him every 10 seconds and he kept unmuting himself. It was pretty annoying. I do wish we had the real experience of a shower and of getting to see everyone, but we just didn’t feel safe doing that given the circumstances. But it was really nice to see so many people from so many different locations and so many different parts of our lives, so I guess that was the good thing about doing it virtually.
I guess I’ve just felt really off lately too because of our family issues. My grandpa is still so sick and is rapidly deteriorating. It’s getting to the point where my mom was saying we should visit him as much as possible because we don’t know how much time he has left. I’m so scared that he’s not going to make it to meet the baby, despite the fact that every time I see him he says definitively: “I’m going to make it until August” because he does want to meet him so badly. I just can’t even imagine how awful it would be to lose him RIGHT before having the baby and for him to have never gotten to meet his first great grandchild. It would absolutely break me. But not to mention, even if he does make it until the baby is born, it’s still going to break me when he passes. I’ve been so close to him my whole life, and seeing him basically fall apart over the past few months has been upsetting and terrifying. I’m trying to brace myself and am preparing to lose him because I know it’s coming. But I don’t think I’ll ever be “ready.”
Then my brother is getting even more horrible too. He’s now saying he’s going to move out of my mom’s house, but he clearly can’t take care of himself. He’s been on medical leave from college for 3 years because of physical and mental health problems. And now he claims he can just “move out” and “be independent” because he doesn’t want to listen to my mom anymore because he’s an “adult.” But he’s sick, and not self-sufficient in any way, so there is no way this is going to end well. And he’s going to end up falling back on the family both physically and financially when he realizes that he cannot in fact take care of himself alone. My mom is a wreck about the situation and I don’t blame her. He’s screamed at her and accused her of the most horrible things and she just feels like she’s completely failed him and like she’ll never get him back. I truly don’t know if she will, if any of us will. He’s still acting nice to me but I feel so hateful towards him for what he is putting our entire family through senselessly. But then at the same time, of course I still love him, and I don’t want him putting himself through this either. It’s a whole giant mess and I just wish I could smack some sense into him. Our family has enough issues to deal with and him creating these new ones is just so senseless and selfish and I can’t take it anymore.
Anyway, otherwise, I’ve been doing more of baby’s laundry. I ran like 3 loads of it today and it’s occurring to me that I may have gotten too many clothes for him. But folding and putting away his clean clothes just makes him feel so real and so close.
My husband is now getting to the point too where he’s saying that he feels nervous about the baby coming. I’m actually relieved to hear that, because he’s been weirdly calm this whole time and the fact that he hasn’t been acting at all nervous as made me worried that he is underestimating how difficult things are going to be!
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Hello! Could you please write a oneshot where mikami finds out that his s/o is pregnant with his kid 🥺💕 could you add more huh you know fluff?
ahh this is cute!!
(figured i should put this out today since it's mikami's bday)
♡ ⊹ ° . ˚ 𖧷 · ° . ♡ ⊹
Needless Worry - Teru Mikami x fem!reader
There was a nervousness filling your stomach at the thought of telling him the news. You were unsure of how he may react, and the thought of him being upset terrified you. It was unlikely that he'd have a negative reaction, but Mikami was hard to read so this could've easily been bad news to him.
All day, you felt nothing but anxiety as you waited for him to come home from work. He had never told you his opinion of starting a family, but you've been together forever so would he really be that bothered? The probability of you being dramatic was very high, but you couldn't help it. This was a big deal and the last thing you wanted was for the father of your child to be disappointed.
The sound of someone unlocking the door snapped you out of your thoughts, making your stomach drop. Mikami walked into the house, sending a small smile your way when you made eye contact. He removed his blazer before sitting on the couch next to you, kissing your cheek softly.
"Are you alright? You look a little pale." There was a concerned tone to his voice.
"Oh, I do? No, um, I'm okay. Maybe I need to eat." A nervous laugh left your lips. You hadn't realized your complexion had become lighter due to the stress.
Mikami grabbed your hand, squeezing it lightly. He could tell you were lying, but he wouldn't press you for the truth since it seemed to be bothering you so much. Feeling his hand in yours calmed you down a bit. Taking a deep breath, you braced yourself for the incoming news.
"Actually babe, I- I have something to tell you." You tried not to make it seem so terrible, but your shaky voice made that difficult.
He turned his body to face you, your knees now touching. You placed your other hand on top of your entwined ones, taking another deep breath before speaking.
"I wanted to tell you that- I'm pregnant." A kind smile was given to him as you waited for his response. However, he didn't say anything at all, which worried you. He simply brought your hands up to his lips, kissing them gently before returning the smile you had given him.
In a quite voice, he spoke, "We're gonna have a baby?"
Tears built up in your eyes as you happily nodded your head. Mikami's smile grew. He had let go of your hand, moving his to caress your cheek and pull you into a kiss. The kiss said more than words could; it was like joy was poured out into it, expressing the happiness he felt.
Pulling away slightly, he rested his forehead against yours, kissing the tip of your nose. "Why were you so worried? Did you think I'd be mad?"
"I don't know, I was just scared. But you're happy, right?"
He kissed you again, "Of course. I couldn't be happier."
The weight you had on your shoulders had been lifted. It was silly of you to think he would be upset over such a wonderful announcement. Mikami placed both his hands on your face, kissing you once more just to reassure you. You both smiled against each other's lips, elated by the new chapter of your life you'd be sharing together.
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Cw: this sounds more like a rant bc it kinda got personal so yeah
And I hate it when some people tell me to "touch grass" or something similar. I know sometimes its a joke but still. Sure I like weird fics, monster fics and things people would find questionable. But it's partly because upbringing to not do sexual activities before marriage and as a neurodivergent hypersexual person, this stressed me a lot. I was really scared of having sex and even now when after I actually did it I still feel uncertainty. I think reading fics like the Albedo one make me feel more at ease so I got really upset seeing people hate on it. Sorry that got really personal, I really was distressed about that for a couple days and had nowhere to vent it out
Ghh I hate when people say "touch grass" like mind your own business,,, I'm sorry to heat that your upbringing brought so much much stress about sex, but I'm happy you managed to find comfort in fics <3 It is really upsetting how people react especially towards something that is consensual, kink exists, some might be extreme to some people but for some it's a way to let out frustration. And tbh I feel like a lot of these fics (the good ones at least) demonstrate how bdsm relationships should be with the constant usage of safe words, communication etc. etc. and it shows that you don't need to be ashamed about having certain kinks
also just because you have a certain kink doesn't mean you crave for it 24/7 sometimes I'm in the mood for something dark sometimes I just want soft lovemaking, it's really all about the mood you're in and people shouldn't judge, if you don't like it ignore it
also no need to apologize for venting, we all need to vent and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to do so, lof you <3
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Hi! Can I please have a harry Potter and miraculous ladybug (boy)match please 💕
personality: I am very empathetic, always trying to keep the people around me happy (even if I'm not in the end) I hate disappointing people so I can over work myself sometimes. Mostly I am kind and polite, but a I get very sassy moments (I can also be very sarcastic). Im also kind of reserved when I first meet someone and it can take me awhile to show my fun, goofy, happy side to them also, i play with my hands a lot, I have a really high pitched (idk sorta cute?) sneeze, I can be very clumsy (I literally tripped on air once😂) when I do something scary my hands shaky after I've done the scary thing (if that makes any sense)
hobbies: reading, listening to music, exploring, dancing
likes: drawing, music (a lot of kpop), exploring/being out in nature, horror movies, cats(especially black ones), cuddles or literally any physical affection
dislikespeaches, any form of public speaking, spiders, I'm not the biggest fan of hights, big thunderstorms, being alone for to long
fears: falling from great heights
zodiac sign: aquarius
favorite songs: crazy by 4minutes, hip by mamamoo, play with fire, and anxiety by blackbear, Aya by mamamoo, and love to hate me by blackpink
Thank you ❤️
I ship you with: George Weasley!
George just adores you! He also thinks you are so so cute! He was quite surprised when he also saw how sassy and fierce you can really be, but that just made him fall for you even more than he already has. Honestly he thinks you're the most adorable and coolest girl he's ever met!
While he can be a little pushy sometimes, he always make sure you feel comfortable and safe. He just loves you so much it's heart warming! He likes how you are so friendly to nearly everyone you meet on your path, but he also makes sure you don't overwhelm yourself and friendly reminds you to take a break sometimes. He wouldn't want you to overwork yourself and become stressed. George really does hate seeing you upset. And when you are, he'll try his best to make you laugh, by poking some fun out of you, while pranking someone.
I have to say, in his opinion you're totally perfect for eachother and your relationship is full of laughter, fun and pure love. George really does love you a lot, even if it took some time to get to know you, because of your shyness at first, but that never stopped him to approach you and it didn't take much time for you to finally become an official couple.
I ship you with: Luka Couffaine!
Luka thinks you're such an adorable girl. And your clumsiness makes you also quite cute. Sometimes he'd tease you for it a bit, but in a friendly way and before you can trip on air again, Luka will always catch you before you fall. He wouldn't want for you to get hurt.
He loves how you also are a music enthusiast, just like him, so you often enjoy listening to your favorite songs together and he'd even dance with you sometimes. When you introduced him to Kpop at first he wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but after a short while he really started to like it too.
I don't think Luka is the type to be scared of spiders, so whenever you see a spider he'd be more than happy to remove the little guy for you and take it outside. And should you ever feel scared, then you can count on your boyfriend to help calm you down and soothe you until you feel great again.
Honestly your relationship is so wholesome and Luka is such a sweet guy and a gentleman. Nothing could ever stop his love for you. He's very loyal and would by any means never betray you, or harm you. He's very devoted to you and you're so beautiful to him and on his mind all the time.
I hope you like it! Thanks for requesting!
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Distance and The Fight
He won the award, and I'm proud of him. Best Leading Actor at Seoul Film Awards 2021 earlier this evening. As a fiancée, I'm more than proud. We talked via phone call about his winning, and I congratulate him too. But why... it ended so bad?
"How's your weight? Are you gaining some?"
"Are you eating well? Did you stop vomiting?"
"Tell me, Fre?"
"35 kilograms... I lose another four kilograms.."
I know he's super upset to hear the news I said honestly to him. I know how hard it was for him to face the situation, but I also suffered from the same thing—the guilt and the sadness that never ends.
Alverstoke was worried to death upon Frederica's condition. He didn't want her to feel sick again, hospitalized, and suffered from the never-ending pain. He wanted the best for her. But since Fre is a kind and soft-hearted person, plus, stubborn, he couldn't help but scold her. For the first time, because he knew she would never change except if someone scolded her.
He couldn't help it, although he knew her mental condition.
"Stop doing it. Please, Fre? I'm so tired of it. I don't want you to feel sick again. Do you understand? That time, when I saw you lying on the bed, weak, I can't think about anything except you. I'm not going to attend the awarding event tomorrow. I'm flying to Bali right now, or I'll take you to Seoul and watch your food consumption every day.
You know I always want you to have the best. I still want you to be healthy and to be strong. This is not how you do it, Fre? You're stubborn, and I need to tell you. I need to scold you. You're like a young child, wandering around, not knowing what you should do.
You're my only one. I love you, and I want you to be okay because I know, all these times, you're not okay." Frederica cried. She cried when she heard him scolding her just like that.
He could hear how he asked his manager to change his schedule, drove him straight to the airport, handed him the passport, and told him he's flying to Bali right now. "Al... stay there. What are you trying to do? You have your career. I have my siblings to take care of me." Frederica replied.
Still, all that she could hear was the sound of him, sighing.
"No. My career is nothing compared to you. You're my number one priority. I don't want anything to happen to you. You have your siblings, but you keep yourself quiet and silent. They knew nothing about what's happening with you.
With your mind and with your heart. They knew nothing because you always smiled at them fake. You tried to manipulate them so that they could see you as a strong, independent woman.
How many times I've seen you crying secretly in the bathroom or even under the pillow every night, Fre? Do you think I never heard of you? I'm always awake until two in the morning to protect you and to take care of you. I know how you had PTSD and now... the uninvited bulimia nervosa, that's why I'm anxious.
I'm always anxious about your condition, especially when we are a thousand miles apart from each other. Even when I was standing on the stage and held the trophy in my hands, the only person I was thinking and worried about was you." She cried loudly in front of the phone. She was sitting on the floor with the edge of the bed on her back.
"Thirty-five kilogram. You can't live like that, Fre. I told you, you don't need to be scared of your appearance. You look okay. You're pretty and amazing. I've told you that you don't need to be stressed out from your father's words. I'll try to ask him again and again."
"I'll be there in seven hours. At two in the morning. Eat well, take a rest." He hung up.
She threw her phone to the wall. The white telephone was crushed. It was broken. Frederica cried on the floor. She saw the foods prepared for her, but after she heard his words, she stopped. She didn't touch it. She knew she would vomit it out.
She sensed him from the tone of his voice and how he spoke to her. Frederica knew Alverstoke was super angry. "Why am I at fault?" she asked herself, losing her sanity slowly. She screamed and hit herself a couple of times on the head. She was blaming herself for the things that kept on stressing her out each day.
For the things that tore her heart apart and drove her insane slowly.
End of Distance and The Fight.
it’s been a long week and axel is hella tried and stressed and so is rosie. they just start bickering like any old couple but it just gets worse until he shouts at her. he’s never shouted at her before and she’s taken aback before crying and he doesn’t know what to do but he’s upset that he did it.
she was after him to communicate. lately, that seemed to be all she talked about. she wanted him to be a better communicator, to express his feelings to her. but axel had a difficult time doing that, he had a tendency to bottle everything up and bringing it all out into the open was hard for him. he’d tried to explain that to rosie, but that wasn’t good enough for her. she wanted him to face his problems and work through them, but honestly, that scared the hell out of him. “i feel like you’re shutting me out,” she said to him one night, after a long and arduous day. it seemed that nothing had been working out for either of them. the air conditioning was out in the house, and axel was working on fixing it, but he was getting nowhere with the damned thing. he was also up to his ears in cars to work on at the shop, and one crotchety old customer had been riding his ass about getting their car done for the last week. between feeling like he couldn’t properly take care of his home and his girl, and feeling like he was a failure at work, axel was not in the best headspace.
he was irritable and angry, and rosie knew something was up. of course, she’d been dealing with a lot on her own. with a slew of summer weddings in town, she was working long hours trying to get special wedding cake and dessert orders done. she was entirely exhausted, and coming home to a hot house didn’t help matters, either. it made both she and axel miserable, and it only fueled a session of bickering. “i wish you would just communicate with me.” at which axel sighed heavily as he got ready for bed that evening. “what do you want me to say, rosie? i’ve just had a bad week, that’s all. nothing more to it,” he muttered in annoyance. “there is more to it. all i’m asking is that you talk to me. please don’t shut me out,” she pressed. “i am talking to you! we’re talking right now, i don’t know what else you want me to say to you!” axel exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “i want you to talk about how you’re doing emotionally! sometimes i worry about you, axe. i just want to know if you’re okay or not.” looking back, axel didn’t know what pushed him over the edge. maybe it was just everything that had been brewing within him all week coming to a head. either way, he raised his voice, and he regretted it immediately. “just drop it, rosemary!” he suddenly shouted, and he wished he could take it back.
rosie went silent, eyes widening at his outburst. he’d never yelled at her before, and it shocked her to the core. she reacted as anyone might, with tears welling up in her eyes. “rosie, i—” axel tried, but she shook her head, pulling away from him. before he could say another word she was gone, rushing upstairs to their bedroom as closing the door behind her. he stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. should he go after her? should he give her space? either way, he felt like shit, and he was kicking himself for shouting. he was angry, and he took it out on her. the look on her face had crushed him, and now he felt that he’d done damage that he couldn’t reverse. however, instead of going after her, he gave her a moment to herself, and decided to seek advice from his best friend. he stepped out onto the porch and dialed rex’s number. when he answered, axel explained what had happened. “give her a little time, axe. she probably needs a minute to cry. then you can knock on the door and see if she wants to talk. you better fuckin’ apologize, too. she deserves that much.” so, axel took rex’s advice. he gave rosie some time to dry it out, but the whole time, he agonized over his own foolishness, and vowed never to raise his voice at her again.
finally, he quietly made his way upstairs, and knocked on their bedroom door. “rosie, can i come in?” he softly asked. for a moment, there was silence, but then, the door came open, revealing a tearful rosie. his heart ached all the more. however, before he could even speak, she broke the silence. “don’t you ever yell at me again,” she said. “we don’t shout at each other, that’s not how we work through our issues.” at that, he nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. “you’re right. i shouldn’t have yelled, and i’m sorry that i did. i promise you i’ll do better,” he confessed. “i know i’m awful at communicating. i’m trying, but honestly i don’t know how to fix it. i need your help, rosie. if i’m gonna do any of this i need your help.” she opened the door then, stepping forward to wrap her arms around his waist. “of course i’ll help you through it,” she said. “i’ll be by your side every step of the way. i want to get to the point where we can talk things out. no more bottling everything up. no more yelling.” axel nodded at her words. “no more yelling. i promise, rosie girl.”
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I have a complicated situation and would love advice from someone who understands a submissives wants/needs. I’ve been in a mainly vanilla relationship for over 8 years and we have a child together, with another on the way. I’m 7 months pregnant. It’s been stressful handing all of the finances pretty much on my own as he’s terrible at remembering to pay bills, and handle those things. I work from home, go to school and of course watch and home school our child every day. When he comes home from work he is never happy to see me and is upset if the house isn’t spotless. We have a five year old... stuff isn’t always picked up.
I come from a very dysfunctional family and he knows this and it seems every time he can he throws this in my face. Saying I’m just like my mother, etc. I know he’s just stressed out and upset himself but he doesn’t have the anxiety and ptsd that I do and it’s like he doesn’t care that it hurts me. He usually apologizes later in the day but then if I don’t want to do anything sexual with him it starts all over. I’m just always feeling like I’m not enough. I never do enough. He says I can’t take criticism. Am I being dramatic? I feel like over the years it’s just gotten worse. I’m scared to leave because he really is a great father and our son is so attached to him.
Any advice or insight is so much appreciated. Im used to more security from a d/s relationship and this has been so hard. Love your blog 💜
Thanks for the kind words <3.
I'll take the slightly easier part first.
When he's upset about how the house is, are the household chore things you have specifically agreed to do? Or are these just expectations that he's placing on you without you having negotiated this or agreed to it?
If you haven't specifically agreed to do the housework things that he's complaining about, then I'd wonder why he thinks it's reasonable to be upset with you for not doing them? I'd worry that could just be sexism.
If you haven't specifically negotiated the way that you divide responsibilities and he's just expecting this of you, then I'd recommend that you sit down and discuss your "roles". I know you said you guys are pretty vanilla, idk if you mean kink wise or 'lifestyle' wise...but even if you are vanilla lifestyle wise, it's healthy in any marriage to explicitly discuss and agree on how you divide responsibilities. The goal should be to create a sense of balance that you're both happy with.
The harder part...
Honestly the overall feeling I get from this is that he just isn't treating you respectfully. I think some of what you described would qualify as emotional abuse. Why on earth is he saying anything hurtful to you 'every chance he gets'? Why is he intentionally trying to hurt you? I also feel like this ask shows multiple red flags that he's being manipulative as well.
I only have this ask to go on, you know your relationship in way more detail of course. So I'd ask you if you feel he has respect for you or not, if seems to value you, appreciate you? In general does he treat you well? The feeling I get from this is that he doesn't. If you feel he doesn't, the next question would be do you think that is something that could be fixed? Could he learn to respect you enough, to value you enough? To treat you better? To communicate in a healthier way? Or do you feel that respect is something that happens naturally? If you feel the respect isn't there but it is fixable, then the next question would be does he see this as a problem? If he does, does he see it as enough of a problem to be seriously motivated to working on himself?
I hate giving 'negative' responses like this, but I do see red flags here so I have to be honest.
I hope you are able to sort this out, and that things get better for you, whichever path you take.
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𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮
pairings - daichi, asahi, tsukishima x gn!reader
warnings - mentions of being upset/angry, uhh fluff?
Daichi is probably one of the best, if not the best, person to go to when you’re struggling with anything. He has a lot of experience with things and he was the captain of a whole as volleyball team so chances are he’s had to sort out a fair few issues that aren’t his own. Even if he doesn’t fully understand what you’re going through, he is an amazing listener and genuinely does care about what you have to say to him. He genuinely hates seeing you cry and he is so quick to realise when you're upset even after a few moments of seeing you when you walk in. His main go to for comfort is shitty takeout food and cuddles, he doesn't have to say anything if you don't want him to but he will just be there for you to find your comfort.
Tsukishima kinda sucked at comforting you when you first started dating, not gonna lie. He was always too awkward, touches too delicate to really feel comforting. Once he got more in tune with you and what you need? He is surprisingly amazing at it. Tsukki is very quick to get you out of situations that upset you and he is very in tune with your emotions. The moment your face changes he is taking you away from that situation, even going so far as to ask you to put your phone down and come watch something with him. He says he isn't big on cuddles usually but he's willing to put that behind him in order to comfort you. Tracing shapes on your back while your head is tucked into his neck. He also doesn't talk much but it isn't because he wants to let you talk first, it's because he's scared he won't know what to say - not that it's usually an issue. Most of the time just being in his arms is enough for you.
Asahi is so fucking anxious when you get upset at the start. What if he says the wrong thing? What if it upsets you even more? Half the time he just left you alone and let you rant when you needed to but he soon realised he should probably be doing more than that. This slowly turned into comforting back rubs and then straight up pulling you onto his lap for cuddles when you're sad. He has this sweet habit of cupping your jaw to wipe away your tears - he does it when you're angry too because he likes seeing the way your anger melts off of you. Sometimes he is a little scared yeah, he hates the idea of him upsetting you. But he is so good at it, he's a good listener, he is nice to hug, so on. Asahi is your own little bubble in an otherwise very stressful world and he is good at making sure nothing negative effects you when you're together.
taglist - @prettysetterbaby @bunnybokuto
reblogs help content creators!
ehem @dailuna because i think you deserve it
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