#i feel like im waiting for something but idk what anymore

[beananium]

oh its all so painfully real

#vent #transphobia #fuck. #i can barely compose my thoughts. im so upset and pissed off at my family #my grandmother screams my deadname on top of her lungs to call for me when i need to do something for her #and idk tonight i just got set off by it and started crying #eventually i composed myself only to be met with 'thats your name. its what i gave you' by my dad and... #idk i feel like i'll never be fucking accepted for who i am at all #it feels like i'm wearing a heavy mask that just wants to snap my neck if i move wrong #like i'm in the wrong for wanting to change my name due to it not reflecting me anymore #like everyone sees me as a basket case just waiting to be 'fixed' or whatever #its so... ..... i can't stop crying #my grandmother also said she cant change her ways and its making me want to bash my head into a wall until my brain turns into paste #IMAGINE IF I CALLED YOU DENNIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? WOULD YOU FUCKING LIKE THAT??? #i'm so stressed and upset i don't want to do this anymore #im probably just going to listen to music to de-stress. don't have energy to do anything else

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

skipping class for the first time in my life bc my professor has covid and he sent out an email saying we’re having class and he’s asymptomatic and will wear a mask per cdc guidelines even tho he’s past the 5 day required isolation period. like. great whatevs but have you actually tested negative

update: the answer was no he had not

#stressed as FUCK #it’s fine we have a textbook and he doesn’t take roll #hoping he doesn’t do an extra credit activity but if i miss it for the sake of my health so be it #i have to go home afterwards anyway bc i have an appointment the next day with my thyroid dr #stressed abt that too bc my mum has dropped all precautions as if she isn’t in her 60s and didn’t lose her husband to covid #and idk what my sibling is doing but i know they’ve stopped masking at their practices and i wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped masking #all together. they also only wear cloth masks but at least it was something #idk i just feel like im the only one not ignoring it. like. when my dad got sick i asked him early on if he could smell and he was like #‘I’m just congested’ and my mum was like ‘no he’s just sick it’s not covid’ and then we waited until it was too late #like. i tell my mum that there’s nothing we could have done bc i don’t want her to feel guilty but like #idk. part of me thinks that if people had just listened to me and gotten him tested earlier and not lived in denial that maybe he’d still be #here. and my mum is pretty healthy but again she’s in her 60s. i don’t want to lose another parent to covid. or if she gets it and has it #bad or ends up with long covid then im gonna have to come home to take care of her or. idek. like i don’t live at home anymore so i can’t #pick up the slack if something happens to her. and my sibling definitely can’t #it’s so stressful. did we not watch the same process of my dad rapidly deteriorating. by the time we took him to the hospital he looked like #a corpse. he was completely grey and his eyes were glazed and he couldn’t even sit up or wave goodbye. has she just forgotten that happened #am i the only one who remembers watching my dad deteriorate in front of us #vent tw #covid tw

[taegularities]

hope you're all liking the epilogue and that you enjoyed the whole series in general. thank you for giving it so much love and support. can't wait to share more 🤍

#i'll be completely honest #you guys n the love you give are the reason why i'm still here #bc there are days and weeks when i.... don'tenjoytumblranymore #it's not bc of interaction or anything bc my god you guys talk to me so much ily :( #but tumblr has changed... the bts fandom has changed. the dash is literally EMPTY #it feels so different from when i joined back early 2021... everyone was so happy and loud back then #and so enthusiastic about writing too... like i still fkn love writing all i write #but the level of excitement about writing has changed.. it's why i try to take it slower these days #my god i used to have a schedule lmao could never today 💀 #but yeah idk... sometimes im like... this isn't fun anymore and maybe it's time to give up #but that's exactly when y'all come thru and say something SUPER SWEET and i'm like.. wait ykw #i love this space.. it's still comfort and warmth #so yeah thank you for giving me hope and keeping me here you mean so much to me #the platform changes and sucks sometimes but you guys remain here and are as fucking kind as ever and #make this little community irreplaceable #i love you #and yeah. i just needed to get this off my chest bc it has been on my mind for rlly long #especially since those community labels butchered and changed interaction :/ like i just know the c&f family could've been #a lot bigger if not for the label on pt1.. could've really been one of the biggest stories around here but lol it is what it is !! the love #is overwhelming as it is so thank you <3 #okay that's way too long pls ignore me bye #tdl???

[bangcakes]

.

#still crazy to me that i live in a world where i can just ??? message him whenever i want n he replies ??? #we've come such a long way its insane #like this time last year we hadnt even messaged unless it was thru like. the class dc server JDJDJDJDJDJ #actually like a year ago yesterday he blew my fuckin mind bc i was walkin from the parking lot to class n he was just standing there #waiting for me ???????? it blew my fuckin mind bc at that point id given up on him right. i was like ok no way this guys into me but JDJDJDJ #i was super early for the test n he said he had to go put something away in his car n he happened to see me n we talked all the way to #the exam and all b4 JDJDJSSJNSNS #our relationship is so weird. like just so weird #i feel like we gravitate toward each other its..... idek JDNNDDNNDNZ #this has never happened to me b4. like usually i talk to the guy n its like o .... actually ur not what i imagined djdjsjsjs #but this guy #... so annoying bc he gets better every time n we've known each other for over a year now #idk i just.... ive talked about it b4 but our similarities are insane. and like the way we kept bumping into each other ???? #idk its so weird JDJDZJJZJZJS #i think its mutual i really do. i think its just gonna take awhile to make a move. idk if its gonna be me or him but... #yeah im not really worried anymore #personal

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[d-eathvalley]

i completely lost it during the entire scene when ryunggu froze time to talk to his mum. him tying her thread to honeybee, ensuring his promise of protecting her in this life and the ones after and just seeing how they both acknowledged what has happened broke me completely. (anyways im putting more of my thoughts in the tags bc i tend to ramble more there for some reason)

#i want to say it’s my favourite episode thus far but ofc it definitely couldve been written better #for one i personally felt like her husband was kinda useless lol the writer shouldve really wrote more lines for him #hate how their conversations feels so … one sided(?) #and of course the obvious thing that sticks out is the lack of professional/medical care that’s represented #like she gets no counselling or therapy after going through something so traumatic??? #i get that the show i guess ‘doesnt take itself too seriously’ but if they’re gonna do it right might as well go all in ya know? #also rip to ryunggu’s blonde extensions/two toned mullet you will be dearly missed #but im tryna think about what it meant for him to not having those extensions anymore #whats the metaphorical meaning #i guess letting go of your past etc.(?) #idk but also NO PREVIEW FOR THE NEXT EP SO YOU DEFINITELY KNOW THAT WE’RE TACKLING THE MAIN CHARACTERS PLOT NOW #PHEW CANT WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK #mbc tomorrow #tomorrow (2022)

[scuopsie]

Does anyone else feel… bored? Not even necessary on tumblr. But in mbb verse or kpop in general.

Like… monsta x are on tour and i feel like we have so little content (especially here on tumblr)? Which doesn’t make sense.

#this is more of a rant than a complaint #and definitely not a complaint at update accounts. thats not what this is about #like sure we’re getting fancams every stop but thats not all concerts were about #i mean… I remember from my previous experiences when my ults would tour aside from getting the usual fancams #we’d be getting so many interaction vids going viral #and ments #ments were so huge…. they were usually different at every concert and after every shown we had to wait for them to get translated #(ofc this isnt the case here bc mx are touring the us and they either speak eng or they have a live translator) #but i feel like im barely seeing anything new every stop #idk if they’re not happening or they are but just not going viral #like… sure there are a lot of clips on twt but i fucking hate consuming shit there #and no one reposts stuff on tumblr anymore #Ame is inactive and im clearly not doing it #and i know these clips arent something update accs usually repost #like does anyone else remember having 3-4 different angles of an interaction or an incident that everyone would talk abt for days? #like i cant tell if im growing out of mx/kpop or is it just genuinely not as fun as it used to be #i dont even make sense to me so if anyone else feels remotely the same please come forward im going insane ldfkkdkd #niki screaming into the void #another thing #weren’t a lot of these old hilarious vlives that we talk abt to this day from tour eras? #like them just doing group vlives in their hotel rooms and doing/saying dumb shit? #what a situation bro? prank call? minhyuk and jooheon’s secret bonding experience? #im pretty sure all of this happened in hotel rooms #AND SO MANY MORE

[mrfutureboy]

:c

#original entry #im going to vent about art stuff #so feel free to skip this #so im frustrated bc drawing has been so hard for me this past year and if yall couldnt tell im not really making any art definitely not post #ing it. im aware its one of those things thatll only get worse the less i do it bc PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT #but my life this past year has been all over the place and so i havent had time and really no motivation #however i have a few commissions from december i still havent finished #and i feel HORRIBLE that its taken me so long #but some of these pieces. one in particular i have to pretty much redraw every time i come back to it bc its just giving me so many problems #(this isnt the fault of the commissioner lemme just go ahead and say that now) #i WANT to work on it and i work on it for hours but theres no progress bc ive just erased and redrawn things that whole time but something #STILL always looks off and it makes me so frustrated and i want to cry #and so im frustrated but i feel so guilty bc its been such a long time and so often when i do come back to it i just wanna give up and refun #d them. bc it isnt enjoyable anymore #it isnt enjoyable and given how much time ive already spent struggling its really not worth the money. especially bc my comms were half pric #e when i got all these comms (which is WHY i got all these comms) #so i feel like i devalued my self a little and i definitely spread myself way too thin bc i got like 6 commissions in one night or smth like #that. but i feel so guilty giving up!! this persons been WAITING for this!!! #idk yall i didnt want to cry so i stopped working on it but im SO frustrated and dont know what to do

[fagrights]

i just need to get this out sorry

#like im done with trying to fix it now .. cant ive tried for idk 3+ years and i cant so its not on me anymore #now i just am thinking back on how many times i tried to make her feel secure in our relationship but she questioned me every #single time #so maybe it was really inevitable that this would happen #that she would get so caught up in her own head that it would be impossible for her to believe that i could care for her #that we ARE best friends and my life means something with her in it #she was always waiting for the end of it so i guess im giving her exactly what she feared but i cant keep doing this so #cant text her now cause i think im too upset about it but i will think on it. #ive known her my whole life feels so wrong to be in this space with her but i mentally cannot take it anymore #and emotionally too i feel so bad but its not really my fault or my place to feel bad even like. this is all her own messed up sense of sel #self and so maybe that makes me feel even worse idk

[spacelesscowboy]

i love. i love feeling completely disconnected from my friends.

#emyrs.txt #vent tw #I KNOW. IM NOT A BURDEN TO THEM BUT MY BRAIN IS LIKE. HM. UNLESS 👀👀 #IDKKKK I JUST HAVE ALWAYS FELT LIKE IM THE ONE REACHING OUT. ALWAYS. IM ALWAYS THE ONE REACHING OUT. ITS MAKING ME INSANE. #i always feel like i’m the one who is desperate to keep a relationship going. like. i’m the only one who cares about it in the first place #and sometimes when i hang out w my friends / talk to them / etc. i don’t feel like that anymore bc i feel like they care about us being #friends but in the in-between of us talking/hanging out i feel like i am untethered and just. floating around. waiting for them 2 want to #talk to me. (hint: they almost never do.) #and it’s like. do i even exist to u outside of the times when we hang out. #bc i’m constantly every day thinking about my friends. like legit i am doing anything and i go. hm. what if i made my friend soemthing. #like. i debated making traditional korean clothes using traditional korean methods for my friend bc i’m literally insane and i want them to #know i cherish him and love him so much and think about them all the time and as a thank u for putting up w me etc etc. like. #that’s literally insane who does that. lol. NANDMFMF #idk. #i kinda lost my point here but to reiterate what i was saying before. #i always feel like i’m the one reaching out. and i understand that they’re sometimes busy or they forget to answer or something comes up i #get that !! #i just hate that months would go by w/o us talking if i didn’t send something every few days #and also i hate that they only respond w a keysmash or a few words like bestie !! #i am TRYING to start a conversation w u i am not just sending this for shits and giggles !! #me sending dumb shit is me trying 2 start a conversation w u !!!!!!!!! u r driving me insane !!!!!!!!!!! /lh #i wish. i was not mentally ill. NSNDNFNFM #also. i wish i could be normal about the relationships i have with other people and not need constant reassurance from everyone all the time #i’ve tried to tone it down a bit + as well as the self hatred bc it gets old and boring and annoying QUICKLY and i dont wanna push my #friends away even further but sometimes it’s all i can feel and it truly does feel like. #i’m just alone. floating along in space. untethered. #like. my life is inconsequential and no one would even really care if i just. disappeared. #or something. idk. #it’s 5 am and i haven’t gone to sleep yet it might be the sleep deprivation talking lmfao.

[be-good-to-bugs]

fr why does my body always feel sick and my brain always feels horrible.

#the bin #im always bored and sad. always. unless im high. thats the only thing that helps #why does weed gotta be so damn expensive. and why does my only source of it have to be my weird ass sister #i wanna ask her to pick more up for me but she gets weird about it. whatever. i can wait another week i guess. #im so tired if feeling like garbage constantly. being alone constantly feels so awful. i just need to get through one more month of this #and then ill at least have people to talk to sometimes. im gonna probably put all my effort into meeting peopel after i move #because i cant do this anymore. #i hate feeling so alone all the time. i hate being so alone all the time. everything just sucks so much. im trying so hard to fill the void #with something but it doesnt matter. i feel slightly better for breif moment and then i feel miserable again #i dont understand whats so wrong with me. i dont know how to talk to people at all. online or offline. i dont know where to go at all #i feel like i cant navigate the world at all im so lost. i want to step out of my comfort zone but i dont even know how #i feel so much more willing to than i ever have but im so confused and lost. my comfort zone is so uncomfortable and i just want out #i ferl like i dug this he myself. i dont know if thats true. i know its not all my fault but it also truly truly is all my fault #everybody else seems to be doing just fine. even my one sibling who never leaves the house has lots of friends online #and the others all made friends just fine. something about me is broken. idk whats wrong and how to fix it. #i know i just need to step out and meet people but where do i even do that? what are other people doing that im not? #:/ ill figure it out. i hope soon.

[borderlinegerard]

more zoloft please

#personal #my posts #suicide and sh tw probably... #commenting on my posts all he wants but not just manning up and dming me or something... ok #honestly its whatever. besides when ive made these posts ive barely thought about him #if he wants anything to happen he can dm me instead of just waiting for me to do something #things have gotten. better and worse at the same time? #i relapsed like A Lot this week #but im making new friends and things are kinda just looking generally brighter #dont know if that says anything about me not talking to Him anymore.. but im happier #but like if im happier whats with the scars on my shoulders? #i feel a lot different now? #i guess im actually living. but its weird because a lot of the time i still want to die So Bad #so like whats this weird mix of All The Emotions #honestly one of my friends said he isnt picking sides and it kinda makes me feel like shit #because if you arent with me then youre against me. you know... #idk that part is kinda petty and Not a big deal #guess theres just a lot happenijg right mow and i dont know how to deal with it #i think things are generally better but im still in a space of. the world is good but i want to die #idk... good luck charlie

[strwbrymlkshake]

been getting a lot more into Killing lately

#mine #vent post again hello. for the love of god #🎸 #anyways um uhh uhhah uhagh i feel like violence is more apparent in my life #though it could def be due to the violent outburst i had the other day. just the aftermath of it ig #i have been feeling depressed and like i cant control my own life bc things are being withheld from me #hrgngh :( as usual. nothing is changing. i have to wait like this for a long ass time before it does. #oh right the point of this post: i keep feeling like my bf is mad at me even though there is literally nothing to signify that #he did not even say he was mad at me so why is my anxiety thru the roof HUH. well probably trauma #he said he would love me no matter what! but im still so worrieedddd :< i guess it wasnt a big thing to be mad about anyways so #i dont understand why he WOULD be mad about it. so unless he says he is mad/upset then he ISNT but my brain does not get this #there is NO reason for me not to trust him #also i have moved on from the 'why doesnt he message me first in the morning' fiasco which is good. i dont have an explanation as to why #i just am not mad about it anymore idk lol. well besides that my brain is feeling illogical things that i can recognize are illogical #but they still impact me :< its not fair at all... i could hypothetically construct reasoning why hes mad at me rn but im only hurting #myself this way. me moment. it was relatively innocent its not something to be MAD about he said hed love me for all my mistakes #so even if it was a problem he wouldnt stop loving me!!! do you understand brain? goodness... #HES LIKE. he is my beloved forever and i want to be holding him or touching him always. going to punch a wall idk #i just love him so much i dont want to mess up ever!!!!! god damn!! we are both depressed / have mental problems so we are doing our best #metaphorically smoking a joint with him rn i miss him. drugs are bad btw i would never do a weed. only in the metaphorical sense #i want us both to be less miserable so together we can be happy!! but why am i keeping him from doing things he likes... #but i want him to be happy?! but i want to spend time with him :( im gonna cry. WHAT AM I MAKING MYSELF UPSET FOR #he didnt even say he was mad at me i am just spinning this way out of proportion! ok!? he loves me forever #but yea i feel like my social filter for violence related things dissipated entirely. so i have been openly talking abt killing people #which is not good i am not going to do any of these things. my brain is too fond of them

[mbat]

not looking forward to christmas anymore

#ignore me #vent #my post #i was supposed to make the pudding that my mom used to make that she hadnt made in like a decade and i was so excited to #but my grandma practically barged into my room like 'hey give me the pudding mix im anxious i need to make sure this all gets done' and #i dont know how to say no to my grandma so i handed them over but now ive been crying on and off for over 2 hours #my dads like 'oh just do the other steps its fine' no its fucking not. its fucking not fine it was meant to be me #we all had designated foods to fucking make that was meant to be mine. it was my moms fucking recipe i wanted to fucking make it all myself #and i dont care how immature it is of me but im gonna fucking sabotage it when everyone asleep i dont care #ill eat a whole cake all by myself i dont fucking care #yes im actually having a whole breakdown about this this was so important to me and its fucking ruined #i had that pudding mix in my room for over a year waiting to make it #i dont fucking care that theyre gonna be mad at be this wasnt going to be fucking fun anyway #every holiday fucking feels like nothing anymore what does it matter #i wanted to make it so bad i was so excited i wanted to feel connected to my mom again i wanted to do the process #i literally cant fucking do anythijg im so upset #i was literally so close to fucking breaking something or hurting myself earlier im so fucking upset #and i swear on my life do NOT send me messages or asks dont fucking talk to me #alternatively tomorrow i could go to the store myself and get more pudding idk #i refuse to let this be the first time this puddings made in forever and it wasnt made by me you dont fucking get it #its one of the best things ive ever eaten and it was my moms and shes gone and #its part of my fucking childhood memories it was everything to me #my grandma just wanted to make it cause she cant fucking sit still or be patient. wheres the fucking love wheres the fucking connection #the moment the sun rises i dont fucking care im walking the the fucking mile and a half in whatever temperature itll be

[hyperexplosion]

.

#vent again just ignore please and thank you. chewing at my arm. ik why we have to wait till next year for me to get help i do know why and #i understand but it also just sucks. its at least helping though no matter what i just gotta hold on but i rly dont want to hold on anymore #id say i sound pathetic or worthless but im not. ik im not. talked about mental health with my best friend today snd idk made me so self #aware of myself i feel gross and ugly. i cant even look in mirror by how ugly i am. i want to drink. i really want to drink. it sucks. #ditched or the person seems bored.. there's no point lmai. #the craving sucks. im sleepin almost all day and than night fucking sucks. i should be sleeping now but i need to write my thoughts out or #i will feel worse i will feel so much worse snd i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to bother people. i hope when im like.. getting hel #and getting better i hope i can like idk not be afraid to ask people to vibe with me. maybe one day but im so scared amount i have been #and sorry tired of hearing same 'just do something distract yourself' yeah only so much a distraction is s distraction. i never felt this #low.. i never felt this low for months now. im so tired idk this week is busy maybe that will help. maybe decorating for my fav holiday wil #help my brain a little. than again why would she want me around. i think about how dad asked mom if i was okay on my birthday. is the facad #fading? are people catching on? i need to stop before i see my brother on friday. even my best friend noticed he hugged me but i didnt even #hug back i just leaned into him for awhile before moving away. i want to die. will i? no. i wont. im too scared. but i want to. #i can sleep now. #i think people should stop lying i hate liars i am not afraid to drop anyone that does.