#i feel like no matter what i do to myself nothing will change

[devourable]

⚠︎ the stalker

sfw, mdni, beta read by @fluffula | tags ;; masc yandere x gn reader — stalking (duh), themes of self deprecation/lack of self worth, erotomania

hii im back from my unannounced hiatus bc i have more time on my hands :] ik vega didnt win the poll but fsr theyre the only one i could get myself to write sooo 🫶 i know im super rusty since I haven't written in ages so sorry if this is a lackluster return fic. it just be like that

vega just wasn’t the type of person that people liked. it was a fact, and he was well aware of it.

they were lanky and awkward, unkempt, and often didn’t know what to say or do in any given social situation. no one went out of their way to interact with them and vice versa. the few times he ended up around others anyway, he always found himself sidelined by the few people he could refer to as friends — they’d never be the focus, if they weren’t forgotten about entirely.

they weren’t anyone’s first choice. hell, they weren’t a second or third choice, either. it was a sad existence that he had accepted long ago — why bother trying to fit in if he wasn’t wanted? he was so boring, he wouldn’t wanna hang out with himself either, anyway. so every day and every night, they were alone.

then, he met you.

it started so simply. you started working at the same office as them, and they knew off the bat that it was your first time in a place like this. they expected nothing of you — maybe a lukewarm greeting as you passed each other during the workday, but not much more than that. so it surprised them when after your introduction, you rounded their desk and gently asked if they could show you around. maybe it was something about your tone, maybe it was that friendly look in your eye, maybe it was just you as a whole. but something about you just got them. they were out of their chair before they realized it.

they weren't the talkative type, but it didn't matter — you kept asking questions during the entire tour. what was that room for? how long had they been working there? did they like working there? you wanted their attention and they for the life of them couldn’t get why. even less so, they didn’t understand why they were so ready to give it to you. they couldn't help the way they stuttered out their answers to your questions, nor the way their face flushed after you laughed at the way they responded. but you did have to work, so you withdrew from them eventually to do just that.

well after you departed to your cubicle, you remained on their mind. your voice, the way you laughed, how you looked, it all swirled around in their mind as they sat in their desk. it remained that way the entire day, the following night, and the day after — they couldn't get you off their mind!

you chose him. you chose him, out of everyone else in the office. you were the only person that did that, and it made them feel so seen. so real, so… loved? was this what love was? the pounding in their chest and their flushed face would make him believe so. they couldn’t wait to see you again. just the thought of you returning the next day and every day after that bloomed butterflies in their tummy.

vega’s longing for you only grew more and more intense after every passing day. every day you came to work, they’d be the first to greet you and the last to bid you goodbye. they even changed their days off to match yours — going to work hardly seemed worth it if you weren’t there to make the day more bearable. every day they sat at their desk, daydreaming about spending time with you, going home with you, doing all the things they never imagined that they’d ever do before. and even though they were too awkward to seek you out during the work day, it didn’t stop them from staring at you every chance they got.

but after that first day, you paid less and less attention to them. you had work to do, after all, and no matter how hard they yearned for you, it grew harder to get you to notice them and harder for them to watch you. it was excruciating. for the first time in his life, vega wanted to be wanted — by you, specifically. he wanted your attention, your voice, your eyes on them again. but if they couldn’t have that, they needed to see you more to make up for it.

the stalking started small at first. occasionally following you when you got up from your desk to give a file to your supervisor or use the restroom, pretending to be distracted should you ever notice them (which you hardly did — they didn’t know if that bothered them or not). sometimes he ended his day at the same time yours ended so he could walk out with you, watching you leave from their car before they left themself. and eventually they started to follow you home directly. it was always from a distance. they wouldn’t want to frighten you, after all! it was okay as long as you weren’t bothered by it, he told himself.

he memorized your routine so he could base his own around it. you went to the store? he was going too. spending the day at the library? he was stalking after you from a different aisle. sometimes they’d leave little gifts on your doorstep just to see your bewildered reaction. watching you became his favorite pastime — they almost liked it more than talking to you directly. you somehow never noticed them lurking, staring at you from some shady hiding spot, panting and trembling just from the sheer excitement that your existence caused them. were you aware of just how cute you were when you thought no one was watching you? knowing all your bad habits, your mannerisms and all the things you did in private was exhilarating. it was like a secret for just the two of you. and whenever you came into work and talked to him like you usually did, it made him so fucking excited. did you know? maybe you did and you were fine with it. that had to be why you were so nice to them. they loved the idea of you liking their bad behavior.

vega had no plans of confessing to you anytime soon. he had so much fun stalking you, he saw no need to ruin it with his feelings. besides, you liked them back anyway — you had to have, why else would you let him get away with it for so long? he knew you wanted him, and he wanted you in return. all he had to do was wait for you.

#💌 vega l. ;; the stalker #i ;; the magician — my writing #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere oc #yandere x oc #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere nsft #male yandere x reader #yandere male #male yandere oc #nonbinary yandere #nb yandere #yandere boy

[endereies]

Fuck it - Matt Sturniolo - Part 8

Spotify playlist:

Authors notes:

sorry this took like two weeks to finish, school was stressing me out and i couldnt bring myself to write anything major sooo

Warnings: swearing, idfk at this point lol

Word count: 2074

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

“Is this something we are meant to do?”

“Fuck it.”

“Jesus Matt, what took you so lo- oh.” Chris turns to face me, meeting my exhausted expression as I rubbed my face. “Rough night?”

“Alyia and I were messaging all night; I think I slept…? Maybe an hour at best” My eyes immediately side eye Chris when I see him start to smirk at me. “Oh, shut up Chris. At least I’m talking to a girl”

“Nick is quick to stop our bickering by setting some food down in front of Chris and I, one by one. My body slumps down to the chair next to me, my head heavily hitting the pillow underneath me.

I raise an eyebrow to Nick, adjusting myself slowly in my seat.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t fucking burn it this time...” I smile to myself when I hear his sighs, tired of me bringing it up. Nick returns to the kitchen counter to get his own share of waffles, along with some syrup he had previously subsided for himself.

“So, what were you and Alyia chatting about?” Chris’s words emit around and mouth full of food, making me grimace before I think about my answer.

“Just, stuff I guess…nothing special.” An arm leans over my body to pick up a waffle that I then dip into some extra syrup that had dripped off.

“Don’t look at me like that Chris, I can fucking feel you staring.” I glare over to Chris, his eyes already staring into mine. “What…you meet a girl and suddenly you stay out late with her in random places that you wont even tell us about, and you stay up all night talking over the phone with her. You can’t tell me that’s not weird.

“That’s not weird.” I simply roll my eyes once he starts his typical mocking.

“You have to admit Matt, this is really uncommon for you, you don’t even do that with Nate half the time.” Nick shrugs his shoulders, keeping his gaze towards his food.

“Why do you encourage him, Nick…” I let a sigh brush pass my lips and roll my eyes.

Nick goes to speak again but the chime of my phone interrupts him.

Alyia🎸:

‘Hey Matt, are we still down for practice today?’

“Lemme guess, that’s Alyia” Instantly, Chris chimes in and I glare at him again. He instantly holds his hands up by his head in defence, standing up to take his plate to the kitchen. My phone chimes again and I pick it up to respond, I feel Nick’s eyes on me again, so I look at him. I nod my head reluctantly at him showing that Chris was right, not that I would admit that to him.

-

“Hey! Glad to know you came, I didn’t know if you would after the amount that I kept you up last night.” Her words see to mumble as her body becomes closed off to me.

“It’s fine, I’m just surprised that my parents or brothers yelled at me this morning for being awake so long.” A clear attempt at a joke is made yet her tight-lipped smile made me regret my choice of words. “Oh… sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry about it, Matt, I’m fairly used to their distancing at this point to be honest, I don’t want you to apologize for anything.” Her smile changes to one of sincerity, making me return it back.

“I just feel bad…you know?”

“Why?” The genuine curiosity confused me. “I have learnt to adapt to them; besides I have some pretty awesome people around me, I’m not in complete solitude.”

Her words linger in my brain, perhaps more than they should.

I’ve learnt to adapt to them.

It sounded too nonchalant for a sentence of high intensity. I had seen this happen multiple times now, especially around her mom. Only, I simply never wanted to pry. The night she stayed over for the first time, her mom called her. The contact’s name was a start, her full legal name was on show with no emojis or care. I thought it was odd but when the voices transferred and mingled over the phone it began a little too clear, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it. The mood swings when she was mentioned was one that I had grown unexpectedly familiar too. I had tried to avoid that topic whenever I could and luckily Nick and Chris hadn’t mentioned it either.

“Matt?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry…” My hand subconsciously rubs the back of neck before wrapping around the chain of my necklace. “What did you say?”

“I was just wondering if you wanted to try any of the songs we mentioned last night.”

-

I couldn’t shake this morning all that well, I didn’t know why either. She wasn’t saying anything in a way to make me question it. I didn’t even know the entire story, but I knew enough.

“Uhm, excuse me? You’re Matthew, right?” A steady voice came from beside me as I walked, dragging me from my thoughts. My body turns to face where the sound comes from, and I notice a boy about my age walking by my side.

“Yeah? Can I help you.” I slow my pace down to a more comfortable pace and I pay attention to him, the slight smile below the glasses which round his face, the darker skin matching his black hair which was tied into loose dreads. He wore a lot of leather, patched with badges and band logos which for the most part were recognisable to me.

“Actually yeah, were you the one who played drums at the talent show two or so months ago?”

“With Damien, Jess and Martha? I was, why?” I get intrigued the more I listen to his voice and the rasps that emit every few words.

“Miss Ackley has been putting together some type of music club shit, after school! She asked a few of us to get together some people who might be interested in joining a band or any form of music club to enhance skill.” His words ramble together, and I try and comprehend them as best as I can.

“Like a band camp?” My eyebrow raises at him, and we pause when I reach my locker, trying to show my interest while putting the pin for it in.

“Sorta, we are planning a ‘band camp’ trip for the end of the year but for now it’s a space to form bands and people to adapt our skill sets in.” He can tell I’m hesitant over this, I mean this is what I have Alyia for, right?

“We aren’t looking for any answers today, simply that you consider it. And if it isn’t your ideal situation, then you could share this to anyone who might be interested.” A flyer stands between me and the boy, decorated in deep yellows and blues spreading behind multiple instruments and equipment.

“I’ll have a look into that, thanks.”

“Of course, if you have any questions about it, my number is at the bottom of that sheet.” He beams at me, and I just look down to find the number, taking my time since my lack of sleep affects my vision.

After that he walks away with a small wave from his wrist, but my gaze heavily remains on the paper in my hand. Everything seems manually drawn to match each other and I admire the colours and patterns before my eyes trace the text. My body walks forward towards the music room, letting muscle memory take over while I keep reading over things. After a paragraph or so I look at the number again and notice a name marked next to it – Benjamin.

My hand reaches the door handle and I push it open to meet Alyia. Her hands tracing over each string gently to produce a small hum, barely audible from her headphones. I stand there for a bit watching her play, she just seemed so relaxed but that could just be the lack of sleep. The small hair stands which fall slowly don’t seem to bother her as she keeps strumming softly.

“Are you going to keep staring or what” her voice grabs my attention even though her body doesn’t change position until her sentence is over.

“Oh, uhm sorry.” I mutter before swiftly moving and shutting the door behind me, placing my bag next to the leather seats.

“Have you been handed one of these yet?” I lay the sheet onto the seat next to her and watch as she stops playing and sets down her guitar. Her headphones now rest on her neck as she scans the paper.

“What is this?” She shoots a confused look at me, but I try not to pay too much attention to it.

“Just read it and find out…” I playfully roll my eyes at Alyia and move to sit over by my drum kit.

“Band camp? That’s some corny shit, don’t tell me you’re going to that ‘camp rock’ shit.” She tries to joke but her face falters when I don’t reciprocate her smile.

“Actually, I was…and it’s not ‘camp rock’. It’s a social place to help practice with other people, and then a summer camp at the end of the year to go and meet professionals and go to a festival to perform.”

“Oh...my bad.” A brief and awkward silence falls over us until I decide to speak again.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to join me but…” I swing side to side on my chair as my voice dims down.

“Matt, I don’t like crowds and besides I practice solo. This isn’t something I am exactly interested in.”

“You practice with me fine enough?” I try and convince her a little, but she only rolls her eyes at me.

“You’re different, you know that.” She pauses abruptly to stare me noticing my immediate smile. “Don’t let that get your head.”

“Too late for that.” I remain smirking at her, but Alyia just glares at me back, I move past that pretty quick and relax my body down on my seat.

“C’mon” I drag out the syllables as I talk, getting up to stand in front of her. “It could be real fun, extra practice between us…and other people of course.”

“Okay. Don’t say it like that first of all.” Her voice quiets after her words and I attempt to gain her attention back with a slight wave of my hand.

“And second?” my face relaxes from its previous smile and changes to a more curious one.

“Second of all…I’ll think about it…” Alyia’s words soften and are quiet due to her admission.

“Yes!” my stupid smile is met with her own as I jump from my seat and pick up the information sheet by her side and start to ramble through the text.

Alyia pov:

I don’t even know why I had given in to matt so easily, but I guess I just didn’t want to let him down. He seemed so excited and yet I wasn’t, I can’t remember the last time I ever played music in front of anyone, except Matt. The more he rambled next to me, the less of his words I remembered. I heard his voice clearly, but I was internally planning what situations might arise if I did show up. It didn’t seem like a lot but as someone who has been separated from people most of their life, this was a big deal.

The bell rang and made both Matt and I jump at the sudden sound that echoed through the hallways.

Matt grabs a few of his things and places them back into his bag and slides the sheet back over to rest next to my leg.

“Promise me you’ll consider it? At least…” his eyes stare into mine, almost begging me to think about it, as if he can’t handle his own in a small crowd of people.

“Fine. Only because you asked me alright?” I stand up and swing my bag over my shoulder.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” The nickname catches me off guard, like it has every other time, and he smiles at the shocked expression on my face and walks away quickly.

My body stays still in its position for a short while longer, processing the nickname. He hasn’t done it without some sort of comforting context to it and this was different.

And in public.

@melliflws @axolotllover225 @yuhayeee @st7rnioioss @sturn-bugz @sturniolosmind @worldlxvlys @patscorner @breeloveschris @y0urm4m @bernardsbendystraws @junnniiieee07 @mayhem-72 @luverboychris

#sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo

[the-laughing-lunatic]

headcannons for spy, medic, scout, and sniper, with a transmasc S/O?

(Hell yea man, trans guy myself so this is right up my alley B) Thx for requesting! :D)

Spy, Medic, Scout and Sniper w/ a trans masc S/O!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 

☆Spy☆

He took up drag both femme + masc in his younger years to help his disguises, so he’ll help you look more masculine 

“Mon chéri, you really must stop using gauze to bind, it is not doing your chest or yourself any favors. If you don’t have a proper binder you can use pantyhose, you know.”

He’d take you to help you get a tailored suit and put on a tie if you were never taught as a child

When you get the horrors (dysphoria and or period ) he’ll stay with you to help you in his smoking room

“Darling, will you please stop grabbing my knife so you’ll respawn without your period? It’s not gonna work, you’ve tried it before.”

“Ugh, fine. …can I pretty please get a kiss then?”

“...You’re not getting the cyanide in my teeth either.”

“Come on!”

☆Medic☆

He’s pretty well versed in this kind of thing, as an ex-doctor who isn’t bound by the law at all he’s definitely performed gender-affirming surgeries in secret in the past (for the price of a few unnecessary organs or course)

He’d offer to do your top + bottom surgery for the boyfriend discount of not stealing any of your body parts

He’s completely fine if you don’t want that though 

“It doesn’t matter what you have in your pants, schatz, what matters is that you have a man’s heart.”

“Aw, Ludwig—”

“And a man's kidney, lungs, ohoho! And an especially manly appendix.”

(it’s medic he’s gonna be a little silly)

The second you mention you’re on your period he immediately gets so much stuff for you, painkillers, a hot water bottle, blankets and snacks for you

Will pamper the hell out of you

If you’re getting hit with dysphoria he’ll reassure you

“I just- I just don’t feel like a man right now.”

“You? Not a man? Nonsense! If you weren’t a man, I wouldn’t be dating you, now would I?”

“I know, but-”

“But nothing, you are sehr männlich, and my mein Freund, those silly thoughts won’t change that.”

☆Scout☆

You’re gonna need to help him out a little bit

“So like– you’re a guy right? But you got a girl’s body or whatever, so is this gay or not?”

“It’s gay, Jeremy.”

“Okay, okay, just double-checkin’.”

If you’re on your period he tries to help in the main way he does with you: cuddles

He’d wrap his arms around your waist from behind and hold you and the hot water bottle pressed to your stomach close to him

Kisses your neck and just rambles about how handsome you are

“You’re a real hot guy, y’know that, prince? Jus’ makes you even stronger that you go through all this shit.”

“Shut up.”

“You picked the wrong guy to date if you wanted someone who could shut up, hotcakes. You’re stayin’ here and hearing about how handsome you are for a while.”

☆Sniper☆

Bro does not give a shit imma be real

“Mate, I couldn’t care less whether or not you’re a gal, a bloke, or a bloody alien. You’re sweet, and ya make me smile.”

Def relates to you with not fitting in with the other kids in childhood

If you’ve had top surgery y’all are chest scar bfs

When you get dysphoric he’ll get you two to do stuff to distract you

[quick, instantaneous, sudden] camping trips, hunting, hiking, or even trying to shoot at the blu base for funsies

Can’t be dysphoric when you’re running for your life, right?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

#Tf2 #tf2 x reader #team fortress 2 #team fortress 2 x reader #spy tf2 #spy tf2 x reader #medic tf2 #medic tf2 x reader #scout tf2 #scout tf2 x reader #sniper tf2 #sniper tf2 x reader #tf2 headcanons #x reader

[purgetrooperfox]

15 Lines Game

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture their character/personality/vibe. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you’re free to include those as well.

I'm here from someone's open tags heehoo

passing on npts to @hamburgerslippers @totentnz @killerspinal @kiwikipedia @alwayskote @galacticgraffiti @certified-anakinfucker and anyone who wants to do it!!

“It's not like I frequent these events,” he mutters, feeling like a broken record. “I would appreciate the help though, thank you.”

“A great many things might seem unbecoming when their purpose is obscured, Master Tapal.”

"Peacekeeping has many faces. The diplomats and negotiators do work that I can hardly even imagine." [redacted context] "You're right, all the same. There's a certain naivete and unconscious bias in a lot of Knights. Lack of perspective about what it takes to survive."

“The artist who gave my father his markings was the one to give me mine," he continues, a touch wistful. "Going back home was strange. Seeing the ways it had changed and the ways it was still stuck was… hard.”

"You would be wise not to show your condescension so openly, Skywalker. If I can feel it, so can most beings on this planet. Need I remind you that ties with the Force run deep here?"

“Just Bastra is fine,” Vargdan sighs. The look he fixes on Kenobi is equal parts irritation and resignation. “You said it was urgent, so I didn't pit stop on Coruscant."

“Not the way you do, but my Master did.” His smile is sad, but free from the weight of grief. “He took them very literally, and if you know what they’re like, I imagine you can see how that would toy with one’s mind.”

“The Order is all I have. This is the only reason I ever got off Dathomir.”

“It's not safe to be out here alone,” he says without turning, forcing her to jog a few steps before matching his pace, “especially for unsubtle thieves.”

“Don't say that. Not now. You had your reasons, you had Sifo-Dyas, and I got that. Eventually. It doesn't matter anymore.”

“I know.” A silence, then an admission, “She's not as angry as I was, I don't think.”

"I mean, it's not like I know how to conduct an army. Bones is miles more qualified than I am, so I'll gladly defer to his judgment."

"This was kept from you for a reason. Some stories are best left buried."

"Obi-Wan was killed in action on Utapau," he repeats. "I know nothing more of it."

“I nearly did, after Sifo-Dyas died.” [redacted context] “I was on my own out there, after, no contact with the Temple to replace him. In all that– with that gang, the things I had to watch. The things I had to do. I was right at the edge.”

(nocte and des under there ⬇️)

“It’s not just the job.” Still, Nocte pulls off his gloves and dumps them in a bin. His expression settles into something hard to read. "You're one of us now, whether you're ready to act like it or not."

"I've put myself on the line enough at least one lifetime, but here we are."

"I don't pity you, MacTavish. I didn't come here to fight with you either."

"What was it you said? No room for morality in war?"

"Well," he grunts, "call it a lapse in judgment if it helps you sleep at night. Not like I'd take offense."

“It doesn’t matter, Soap. It’s just not my bloody name.”

"It's exhausting. The upper crust is exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?"

"Price is going to kill me and it'll be your fault. Me and Lee, both," he complains, though it rings hollow when he doesn't stop her.

"It'll grow back, probably faster than the higher ups would like."

"I don't care whose fault it is. Get your asses back here and fix it."

"Are you threatening to blackmail me, Captain? Because that's a two-way street after–"

He whistles, low and appreciative. "That is one big bastard."

"Quit trying to pick me apart, Lieutenant, I'm fine."

"We shouldn't," he forces himself to say. "We can't."

"How do you ever get anything done with your head that far up your ass?"

"You will mind your goddamn manners or you'll see a different 'doc. Do you understand?"

“You came in with a referral, made my life a little easier, so I'll give you a discount. I respect you, Viktor, you're good at what you do. Not to mention your days in the ring – I was such a fan.” His expression twitches toward something that might even be genuine. “How about this, I'll dig up this chrome for you and you'll owe me a favor.”

"I doubt Royce would've let me walk away from that. Heard he's got a new right hand."

"Hard to believe that's true," he said, laughing a little. "Reckon this is more memory than imagination."

“The crew called me Eyes, which was a gonk ass nickname. Stuck, though."

“I’ve known Hands for a long time, grew up in Pacifica. Don’t get me wrong, I heard about you on the street, but didn’t really pay it any mind until he started asking after you.”

"I think you answered your own question. It's a clinic, ain't it? I'm getting doctored."

"Fucking disgraceful is what it is. You build something, pour your blood sweat and tears into it, just for some upstart leadhead to run it into the ground."

“So I’ll talk to him, clear this up,” he says, even though it’s an uncomfortable prospect. “He probably respects me enough to halfway listen.”

"No. No one ever made me do anything. I lost a lot, but I won't lose that."

#leocs #bastra vargdan #clone medic nocte #but more like #atama 'nocte' te rangi #des 'eyes' gallagher #tag game #this was an interesting one for picking quotes and stuff

[roxygen22]

Still Here (Chapter 7)

Summary: Three little words from Timmy send you into a panic.

A/N: A shorter chapter, but a BIG one.

Catch up on previous chapters here.

"I should have followed you when you asked me."

In slow motion, Timothée's lips met yours. They were as plush and soft as you remembered. His hands eagerly made their way to your hips to pull your body to his. One of your hands snaked up his back while the other gripped his neck to pull him deeper into the kiss.

"[Y/N], I love you," he moaned when came up for air.

Instantly, you pulled away. He kept his arms out, stunned by your sudden absence from them.

"Timmy...I can't tell you how much I want this. I have feelings for you, too. But it's too soon. I- I can't say it back yet," your voice trembled. You walked over to his truck and dropped the tailgate to sit. "This isn't just a matter of picking up where we left off 12 years ago. I've lived a whole separate life in between. I have a daughter depending on me to keep my shit together.

I got so wrapped up in being wife and mother, I- I don't even know who I am anymore. I need to figure that out first. I rushed headlong into my last relationship with blinders on. I couldn't see anything else but him. I latched onto him because I was alone and lonely. Sound familiar? I lost myself in trying to be whatever he wanted me to be. I can't- I can't do that again." You put both of your hands to your forehead. "I've barely been back more than a month, and I'm already entertaining a new relationship."

Timothée joined you on the tailgate. "But, it's not new."

"Yes, it is!" you shouted. "I'm not the same person I was 12 years ago. We need to get to know each other again to make sure we actually like each other for who we are now, not just getting wrapped up in the nostalgia of what was. I- I've been hurt, wounded, heart flayed open at the hands of someone else who also once said they loved me. Then they fell out of love with me. What does that say about me? What does that say about love?" your voice faded to a whisper.

"It says more about him," Timothée growled. "That he's a damn fool. And so was I to let you go in the first place. But unlike that idiot, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU!" He jumped off the tailgate to pace the sidewalk.

You blinked owlishly at him. "What?"

"Why do you think I couldn't follow through with my engagement in Texas? She was funny, beautiful even...but she wasn't you. And that wasn't fair to her."

"And I don't think this is fair to you!" you exclaimed. "I feel so drained right now. I don't have a lot of emotional energy to offer, and what reserve I do have needs to go to Madison. She's my number one priority. I hope you understand that I'm not saying no. I'm asking for slow."

He stopped pacing and stood directly in front of you, one hand resting on your knee. The other cupped your face. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll go as slow as you need. But, I'm not going to stop telling you that I love you. You deserve to hear it. Know it. Feel it. I will still be here when you decide it's safe to love me back." He broke the seriousness with a flash of his classic lopsided grin. "And if you think being honest with me is going to change how I feel about you, then maaaaybe you're not quite as smart as I thought."

You laughed softly and leaned into his touch. "I'm glad I haven't scared you off. Most men would turn tail and run at the sight of a divorcée with a pre-teen daughter."

"Well, I'm not most men, and I've actually grown quite fond of Madison," Timothée replied.

"I can tell. And she likes you, too, it seems. I think that's what scares me most, though. Any decision I make impacts her as well. She got hurt in all of this, too. I don't want her to get attached to someone who may not stick around. Not that- I don't mean that you would do that. Just in general."

"I knew what you meant. I respect you for putting her first. I would expect nothing less from you. And I'd sooner walk through fire than hurt her." He kissed the top of your head and sat back down beside you. You rested your head on his shoulder for a few silent moments.

"We seem to have our most serious conversations in the back of this truck." You looked up at him and half-smiled.

"I can think of some other things that have happened in this truck, too." He winked.

"Timmy!" you popped him lightly on the arm in feigned embarrassment.

"So what now?" he asked in a more serious tone.

"I don't know. This is new to me, too. I guess we do what we have been doing. We hang out. We talk. We get to know each other's adult selves. But no PDA in front of Maddy. Not yet. I will talk to her when I feel the time is right and slowly introduce the concept of me dating again."

"I can live with that. But when she's not around, can I still do this?" He leaned over and teasingly grazed his lips over yours.

"I can live with that," you breathed out. This time, you closed the gap, all but slamming your mouth against his for a deeper kiss.

<><><><><>

Chapter 8

Masterlist

Tag List: @croatianprincess @bluizh

#timothée chalamet #timothee chalamet #timothee chalamet x reader #timothée chalamet x reader #Timothée x reader #timothee x reader #reader insert #timothée x you #timothee x you #timothée chalamet x you #timothee chalamet x you #divorce #single parent #single parenting #female reader #mom reader #high school sweethearts #angst #whump #eventual happy ending #timothee chalamet fanfiction #timothée chalamet imagine #timothee fanfic

[fictionkinfessions]

what a wild experience it is to be relatively young while also having a large number of past lives constantly popping up in my memory.

i've been nonhuman more times than i know, but just like i suited myself then, humanity fits me perfectly now. i have more estranged family members than the combined amount of everyone i've met in this life, but still act awkward around my blood relatives because i haven't quite gotten confident in this new self yet. i've worked any imaginable number of jobs but my new first one still seems just as intimidating, at least socially. i've held unbelievable, unsustainable power and more times than not used it for good, for the sake of my people, but i feel guilty accepting simple help from my loved ones. every past and present social convention is more suggestion to me now, yet still i follow, knowing there's nothing worse than being above or below everything where the only part of you others can see is your shadow.

where i once was the pitch black void of destruction for my enemies, i'm now small and soft and doting, and the craziest part is, i was always both.

i cycle between feeling intimidated by/estranged to those older than me and thinking of people my age or older as kids. just like most anyone, they're rambunctious and unafraid and openly, adorably don't know what they're doing because, in their eyes, it's the beginning of their first time. i've done that, too, but remembering it from the perspective of beyond keeps me from experiencing it quite the same way again. the amount of times even before adulthood i have been referred to as an "old soul" is comical- i am old, so old that my highest desire is to teach, to care, to protect others whenever they need it, yet i'll never be too old to remain young in the ways that matter. every menial "coming of age" thing i have done and will go on to do i have done once, twice, a thousand times, but this time is not special in that it won't be when i stop getting excited. my brain prevents me from remembering it all, but if i've learned anything, it's that excitement and joy are all that remain when all else fades away. knowing this means every choice i make will not be a missed or seized opportunity, rather a dedication to love and life itself.

i've had the hard truths of existence carved into my mind over and over. i've been broken and reassembled and built up to tumble back again, yet each time i move on, the burning remnants become nothing more than a fuzzy afterimage that superimposes itself on my being, now entirely different in the exact same way. really, that's the beauty of it; a different body and mind with the same information will come to a different conclusion, even if similar. no set of hands can sculpt a lump of clay the exact same way twice. i am the clay and i am the hands and i am the eyes that gaze upon my self-creation in admiration, in a way some may wish to but cannot in quite as much depth. one day i will hold an entirely new form and choose a new, yet equally true, metaphor to describe the ways in which i've changed. and then, too, i will be young and grown, and grow up while remaining young, and love relentlessly, unconditionally. in this, i will never be alone.

collectively, i'd say my age outranks that of this universe itself. but just like it, i am still a kid, marvelling at the gift of life with bright eyes despite every wild possibility. beauty is within the love you create. so i say to you, another irreplicable creation within the crushing embrace of existence:

reread that cringe book you like, or replay that game that used to be your favorite as a kid, or pick up the hobby you've wanted to try that you know the people around you would think is lame. rant about the most seemingly meaningless things just because you wanna. be as spiritual or non-spiritual as you wish. embrace your various identities and interests with a whole heart, and if they change, let them. you change every day you exist, and you will never be precisely as you were or will be, which makes the you you are now infinitely valuable. if your people are too blinded by the biases of this world to make peace with the harmless things that bring you joy, find new people who can admire the story of each smudged fingerprint in your surface just as readily as every smooth curve and minute detail. whether it be through friendship, romance or family, let yourself be shaped by the influence of others in that irreplicable way you would never achieve on your own. stand on your business when you have to, act the way you feel, speak your mind. make mistakes and learn from them, and make them again, and learn something entirely new. take it from me: you will never run out of things to learn or to love, and that's the greatest gift of all. learn what you need and what you can, and most importantly of all, learn what you love so that you might have the time to love it for as long as possible. remember your time is limited, but acknowledge anything you do to fulfill yourself or something important/necessary to you is not a waste, despite how limited you may be. take whatever pace makes you comfortable, no matter what vindictive minds may insist, and live a life full of all the things you and your loved ones desire, so that no matter when the day comes that you move on, you will know it was worth it.

and, if you can, leave a positive impact on those you meet who could use your irreplicable influence. never force yourself to become beholden to another (just as any other shouldn't be to you) and uphold your personal safety before anyone else's, but if you have the chance to change something for the better, don't choose to let it go. if nothing else, you'll thank yourself for it, as will i. i know you're struggling, and you are trying, and i love you. i believe in you. as long as you always protect and value your own voice, you will live in the best way. never give up on that.

(p.s: also don't give up on your sleep schedule! i'm sitting in tumblr writing this at 4 am on a friday morning. when this is posted, chances are you will never know me or even want to, but remember those you do know and hold them fondly in your heart. and especially appreciate those who choose to work for the benefit of others, like mpc! (thank you for providing this space for people to share things they otherwise couldn't.))

to whoever you might be today, take it easy out there.

- a friend

x

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #memories issue #seekin #ableist language cw #mod party cat

[roachemoji]

.

#bo posting #vent #im self isolating #but i think i want to be alone #but i also dont #but the kind of company i want i cant have #intrusive thoughts about ny relationships are getting overwhelmingly #in too afraid to ask for anything #feels like if i do ill make things worse somehow #like im being a bad or inconsiderate person #but not avoiding things also makes me bad and inconsiderate #that im being a coward and should just deal with whatever outcome. even ifvits negative and nothing changes or gets done #and if i upset people it is my fault. and avoiding it is only prolonging that. ill upset someone no matter what i do #i just dont feel safe being a person with needs and emotions that affect others #that feels like it sounds sarcastic but im anxious and sad nd i dont understand how to help myself or what to do #and thrn we come full circle to why i cant ask for help

[ironmanstan]

I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops

#m thinking now and im like #i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything #in genuinely so long #and i was like kinda becoming ok w it #my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it #part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me #deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care #im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao #my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me #and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me #like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok. #he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when #he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time #and he was like yeah bc you are worthless #and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao #i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something #nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol #m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should #vent

[softshuji]

Sometimes it feels like my mom punishes me for things I can't control and it's actually kinda really upsetting.

#i fell asleep yesterday after work as i mentioned before and that means i wasn't able to wash up after dinner #she said to me today that if i fell asleeo again before dinner she'd be pissed off at me #and usually a comment like that wouldn't bother me #but I'm the only one working full time/ with two jobs in my house #especially when my brothers don't do anything around the house #even though they don't have jobs/ do anything full time. and yet the responsibility of housekeeping is always left to me #even if I'm tired. The reason i can't fo to sleep early ia because cleaning the downstairs before i go takes a while #ofc it would when you have a family of 9 and you're the only person doing it #she never asks them either #and then she gets upset at me if like yesterday i don't do these things #and it's like #everyone keeps telling me fo stop treating myself as a machine #but it's kinda hard when everyone else does the same #today/ this week when work has been really tough and im struggling already because im having a hard time #it's the last thing you wanna hear that someone's upset at you for doing something that could have been shared between others #i don't know it just feels like a sledgehammer fo the chest every time #i just feel I'm constantly disappointing someone because im not able to do what they say #ans no matter how much i say it's unfair nothing ever changes.

[pezpenser205]

3am monday morning mood

#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here #op #........................................................................................................................................... #........................................................................................................................ #...................................................................................................................... #....................................................................................................................... #........................................................... #............................................................ #sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason #was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen #i dont have a lot of time #2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do #i feel like im dreaming all the time #'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now #its simple a + b = c math #(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here) #i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still) #i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal. #like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore #everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate. #im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point #when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity #i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore #im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling- #-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore #-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life #i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real. #this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing #i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here #i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all

[asordidbarwere]

first valentine's day in a long time that I have someone worth doting on and I'm wasting it feeling like shit about myself and my identity and everything else

#literally can't think about anything other than not feeling like i deserve to call myself trans #and how being called a lesbian makes me uncomfortable but being considered a lesbian brings my gf such joy #so if we're together wtf does that mean #i wish everything were easier #i feel like nothing compared to the transfem struggle #hatred isnt constantly weaponized against me #what right do i have to claim the trans identity at all #i hate being considered a woman but i do nothing to suggest I'm anything else #like i think i can just declare ''I'm a boy'' and have that mean shit #is there even a kind of masculinity that exists in this world that isn't just oppressive and violent #how can i say i admire those things and strive for them in front of someone who hates how it was expected of them their whole life #why am i so not okay with transitioning #why can't i do anything but live in fear #I'm going to fuck this up. i finally get to know what real love feels like and I'm going to sabotage all of it #I'm going to make them hate me and there's nothing i can do #it's just a matter of time #I'm scared that they'll go in hrt and it will make them unrecognizable to me as the person i fell in love with #and isn't that horrible of me? doesn't that make me as much of a transphobic monster as my ex #i feel like absolute shit. i wish I'd died in that car accident. i wish I'd never met someone who makes me so happy #so that i wouldn't have anything to fear losing or changing #i wish i didn't exist. i hate this whole fucking world #and also what disgusting level of privilege we all have to be giving a fuck about our genders while a genocide rages on #i wish i could wish for death but i don't wish for my gf to go through that loss #i wish i truly had nothing to lose. i don't deserve a damn thing

[quietwingsinthesky]

the amount of time i spend thinking about Even carrying the metacrisis doctor’s fob watch is really quite disproportionate to how much ive fleshed out that part of the story in my head

#i still find myself not caring if the metacrisis doctor couldnt use one. he can because i said so and because donna shouldn’t get amnesiaed #alone. #but anyway. even. its just something about like. #here is your best friend. the man who showed you how big the universe could be. its still him human or not. its still the doctor. #can’t call him that. have to watch your tongue always because no matter how familiar their faces are. these two people do not remember #everything you did together and never can. at least they still love each other. nothing could change that. that’s what matters. you steer #them into each other’s lives so carefully and watch to see if they’re going to get hurt. but they don’t. it’s okay. #and still. and still. you carry your best friend’s life. everything that he is. you can hold it in the palm of your hand. he gave it to you. #he entrusted it to you. well. that’s not entirely true. technically you volunteered. but how else could you say thank you. #you made your world so so small again. for him. larger than you would’ve been used to once but you know what galaxies feel like to fly #across. and now you’re stuck in time and space. this is for love too. this is for the life you hold in your hands. #or wear around your neck on a chain. and because you chose this. you can never see him again. or you see him every day and he doesn’t #recognize all of you. #that would make anyone desperate wouldn’t it? make you do something stupid. make you turn to someone you shouldn’t. #even makes bad choices when they are cornered. i think. #dw oc #the important bit is of course that the only way they can ever get rid of it is by their own choice. which they never would choose to do. #(because tentoo won’t take it back. he’s his own person. impressions of the doctor influencing him. but the part of him that is donna doing #so as well. a whole new person. who does not want her memories back and to be unmade.) #but the point is that the moment even takes it. they will never let it go. they will lose it. on painful occasion. but it always finds its #way back. depending on the context this presence and responsibility is either comforting in its constancy. #or. in a less kind world. a horrifying reminder of how far they have fallen from who they tried to be for him.

[hyunjining]

anyone else battling overwhelming anxiety every single day because of The Horrors

#i just get derailed from my day for hours doomscrolling #giving myself anxiety headaches and stomach aches #it’s all just genocide and pandemic and cost of living crisis #and even things that used to be good and fun are tied to evil #and it doesn’t matter how much we kick and scream nothing ever changes #and i can hardly tell my family that all of this is destroying my brain because they all think i need to worry about myself first #which like honestly i don’t know how i’m gonna have a good future anyway the way the world is going #like… what the fuck are we gonna do #sorry had to let that out #i feel like i can be honest here

[xamaxenta]

It’s difficult to not feel discouraged sometimes when your partner is also an artist and happens to be faster than you in every conceivable way

This doesn’t bother me often because everyone is different and comparing production time and skill against each other or anyone is detrimental mostly and its ok to have your own workflow

but it does weigh on me vaguely sometimes sometimes that she can finish 2-3 full coloured pieces within a week and ive been painfully scratching out the same number but theyre only sketches that ill never revisit within a month

None of this actually matters in the long run, it just makes me feel bad on occasion

#like i should be doing more #im very sorry for complaining so much online #i just dont really have any other way to express myself #i know some of you have generously and kindly reached out to me to offer an ear #but my fatal flaw is i cant talk to anyone about my problems i just idk it was beaten into me that none of it matter #matters or my problems arent a big deal and i know ots healthy to think actuallt my problems are worth talking about or a big deal #but its hard to change a behaviour that was kinda literally beaten jnto you that talking about stuff likw this is a waste of time #i guess i just feel bad that i could do more and i dont because i dont want to #but i also want to if that makes any sense at all #i suppose it also doesnt help that alot of the work im doing right now i actually sorta hate like none of it is good to me personally #i want to stop being toxic towards myself #i just wanna stop hating me and who i am and what i do every step of the way #but that mean little voice inside me is like ahh. it wont shut up #I always say i need a break or more time but what am i gonna do with it #doing nothing at all isnt fulfilling #it sounds. sad like what teenager me did and i dont want to be or feel like that ever again but its fuckjng hard #this is so woe is me #im a liar bc i say the main text doesnt bother me but it bothers me alot im very envious of her speed prolificness and drive to create #and i have none like thats so unfair #this makes me sound ultra bitter god fucking damn it #i want to go to sleep and genuinely never fucking wake up again #please im done i just dont want to

[thompsborn]

me, 30 minutes ago: its 1 am and i should sleep <3

me, immediately after: refreshes tumblr, decidedly does not go to sleep

#i say this like its funny haha #but tbh it is mostly because i am so fucking. Devastated about the horrible shit happening to palestinians #i saw so many videos and pictures today of such horrible things that they’re suffering through right now #and im seeing it through a screen from my safe little bubble in my house and its still destroying me emotionally and mentally #i cant imagine the fear and horror they must be feeling in gaza #and the fact that they have probably felt this fear and horror for a very long time because of israel’s ethnic cleansing of their people #im in such a privileged position and the least i can do is spread awareness and i donated what i could and i have plans to reach out to my l #local government and encourage them to speak up and condemn the genocide of palestine and im looking for local protests and shit like #im gonna do what i can but i know i cant do enough as just a singular individual with low social impact and not a lot of money #but i’ll still do what i can no matter what #i wouldnt be able to live with myself knowing i sat back and said nothing while the palestinians suffered so much #which honestly i already did because i wasn’t educated about it prior to this past week and thats entirely my fault #i mean partially i know its western civilization not showing the horrors that israel has committed but i try to stay in the loop on things #and try to be aware of things happening in the world and i failed to become aware of this before now #i could have been doing more for years to try and spread awareness for palestine and i never did and i wish i could go back and change that #but i cant #but what i CAN do is speak up now that i know and spread awareness and refuse to let palestine go down without a fight #sorry this is a fandom sideblog i know ive been posting a lot on my main blog and i do need to go to bed and whatever #its just hard to sleep knowing that as i sit here safe and comfortable in my bed there are children families innocent people dying in gaza #and the world is actively and successfully trying to paint palestine as the bad guys #its fucking awful and despicable

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC