#i feel lonely and undesirable and i’m drowning in guilt and it’s KILLING ME

[amrbokhari]

My Sinful Apology

For what purpose did I begin?

I am, thus I sin, therefore I wish I’d never been.

Decision after decision,

from good to bad was not my transition, but flaws and misdeeds of my intrinsic disposition,

actions for which I crave yet doubt to be forgiven, I fear if only death separates me from perdition,

an inevitable collision.

*

Here I attempt to clear up my soul,

to banish its hole in the hope of being whole,

may the clarity of me be a miracle to befall.

*

Forgive me, Allah,

for being a sinner,

of the religion that should make its believer a winner.

I was made for a task of such simplicity, but still I derail with all imbecility,

I’m lost in the abyss of incapability.

I try but fail then I try I swear, I’ve reached a point where it seems like I don’t really care,

yet I ask for atonement, is that really fair?

I’m ashamed to repent, I don’t try anymore,

myself I resent, my regret’s to the core,

I’m afraid of my end and what the grave has in store,

the terror of being dragged to hell on the floor, straight and surely to its infernal door,

I pray I can fix what I’ve done before gore, and to the gates of heaven I can capably soar.

*

Forgive me, Mother,

for being your child,

for treating you in ways that are far from mild, but remember me as your kid of a nature so wild.

You give me the world in my hands, you provide,

you give me the wings I require to glide,

living without you would be suicide, and how do I repay you?

I refuse you your pride, I put you aside,

I see you in my path then decide to divide,

but when it gets dark at the time I’m outside, I crawl back inside,

to the only safe haven where I know I can hide.

I can never repay you for what you have done,

for being my stars, my moon, and my emitting sun,

but like an ominous cloud I absorbed and obscured your light then reduced it to none,

I bring shame to the truth that you call me your son.

*

Forgive me, Father,

for being your boy,

for the bond we never had, that we chose to destroy,

but the satisfying fact that I call you my dad, is something I cherish with internal joy.

I’m sorry for the times that we fought,

yelled and screamed with no absolute thought,

but what really leaves me disturbed and distraught,

is that your contentment I failed, never to be caught,

when it was the only thing I should have actually sought.

*

Forgive me, my sisters,

for being your brother,

for not being your guide that would help you discover, the evil in this place we call Earth and uncover,

forgive me that I make you seek help from another.

I should have always been there to guard and protect, I never meant to overwhelm you with utter disrespect,

all I really wanted was your joy when you saw me, but even that I failed to collect,

instead like a virus I’d wreck and infect.

I wish these words in your presence I’d admit, but I hide behind the letters of this poem as I sit,

it’s the coward that I am,

may the day come when you see me as the man I wish you’d depict.

*

Forgive me, everyone,

for being me,

for acting like all your troubles I couldn’t see,

I honestly desired to be a hero, but I think that’s something I’ll never be,

I just watch you all drown in sorrow’s sea of tragedy,

hoping you will all perish peacefully and quietly, while I float in the boat of an inexcusable plea,

resembling an uncourageously parasitic flea.

Amidst you yet without you,

I choose to unconscionably flee,

while all of you are smothered by your countries’ debris,

it is the undesired destiny, our ironically inhumane humanity,

no one ever said being was full of glee,

in the end we are all inseparably lonely,

cursed with deathly longevity, while attempting to exist in this unreal reality, one from which we’ll never be blissfully free.

I’m sorry to those whose lives I made sure were hard,

to those I’ve hurt, harmed and scarred,

I’m filthy, wicked and wrong for allowing myself to mistreat for so long, things for which I should be mercilessly barred,

all those promises I chose to disregard,

I fear for the ones that I love to be punished while I disguise as this bard.

*

Forgive me, Life,

for being alive,

for failing to strive but continuing to shell the organs that help me survive.

I permitted my mind to be overtaken by plight,

used my eyes with no actual sight,

dedicated my tongue to being impolite,

inhaled oxygen with ungrateful lungs through day and night,

and let my heart beat halfheartedly, but it’s the way that I chose to live despite.

I’m sorry for living a death, undeserving of a single breath,

for wasting a life that could have been alive,

and steering it into darkness,

allowing it to dive.

*

Forgive me, Amr,

for being you,

I failed to make you believe there was nothing you couldn’t do,

I wonder what our kid self would think of becoming who he’d become, of growing up to no clue,

realizing that his sky won’t always remain blue,

that like a ship he would sink, then wish in life he’d never blink, or else be presented with venom for a drink,

he deserved more than this life’s version of diversion,

I let you both down and I’m ashamed of what we have, this degradingly unbreakable link of distortion.

I’m sorry for letting yourself go to waste,

for not giving you ambitions, leaving you a life of distaste,

for making the wrong decisions, all those dreams you never chased,

for hiding behind medicine to try granting you worth, but only worthlessness forever and always came forth.

I let you be with no friend,

pushed you to always be the one to offend, to commit mistakes that would ruin any chance to fix and mend,

providing you with every pathway to morally descend.

*

All these apologies and still,

guilt, self-loathing and emptiness remain to fill,

the regret inside me I thought I could kill,

to feel free and content I think I never will.

So is this really it? Me hoping for a prodigy?

What a soul-wrecking ideology,

while I yearn to be reduced to the dirt of my biology,

to be an essential part of this land’s welcoming geology,

and be left with nothing but everything I have,

my own sinful apology.

*********

Amr