#i feel so empty inside right now

[nightymein69]

Laudna is so fucking important to me, I just need them to find a way to bring her back. Please. There has to be a way.

#cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #I feel so empty inside right now

[princessofxianle]

my tgcf collection is complete... I might cry...

ft. Feng Xin

#THE EXTRA GOODIES WERE THE BEST #2 big artists i recognized RIGHT away #love love love #i feel so empty inside now lol #tgcf #tgcf vol 8 #tian guan ci fu #heaven official's blessing #hob #mxtx #feng xin

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there #im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold #at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire #theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade #of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about #the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc #its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a #metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm #just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long #sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone #its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it #everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much #damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i #collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells #me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my #wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im #excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it #feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun #is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's #what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy #but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire #unrelated #hm i should maybe add a tw to this #tw self injury #but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life #but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it

[xcziel]

got a bunch of little baby plants and am doing some repotting but damn i have a hard time remembering which ones can't have direct light

all but a few of them are low light types because i don't like window or overhead light (i am a cave gremlin)

but some of them need at least indirect light and i'm trying to get those situated well to the french doors (also i bought another seasonal fern bc i am weak and it's hogging a bunch of the space)

some of the tiny ones are barely hanging on and idk what to do else besides sun+ water

i thiiiink it's the tiny peperomia, the mini spider plant, and the aglaonema that really need out of the direct sunbeams and the couple of little succulents that need moved in more

the one snake plant that i haven't watered for six months needed a bigger pot so i upgraded it and i hope it takes it well. the bitty pearl pothos doesn't need a bigger pot but less sun and more drainage i think, so it got a new pot too

why do i get tempted by plants when i hate natural light so much? i did buy a *little* grow light for the corner though

i need plants that are ok with just ambient low light - the sansevieria is out of the window reach entirely but has been putting up fresh green shoots? the big peace lily keeps unfurling new leaves in the dark corner as long as it gets plenty of water?

but the other peace lily that was by the window is crunchy now and idk how to rehab it (still green? and not wilted but the leaves are crunkly so)

also i seeded some rosemary and sage and they are sprouting but the mint did not come up at all ://

#someone stop me from buying more snake plants just bc they survive #i killed my poor desk philodendron idk how and the diffenbachia too #i need more idiot proof plants but i keep having hopes when i walk past the racks outside the store #i need a palm or something tall for the living room across from the peace lily that just gets a tiny bit more light #also i want a billion succulents but one outdoor one died and its still hard to restrain myself #i need plants that light 60watt lamp light for by the bed where no natural light reaches lol #but also i need an explanation of where this indoor plant hunger comes from #i have a yard but everything out there dies come the months of baking heat #and only the grass really comes back - it's going gangbusters in the empty plant bed right now where nothing else seems to grow #(but weeds) #and if i have to bring the plants in for the summer they can't need bright light which is what they would get on the porch #also i don't want to bring bugs inside quite frankly - the spiders are enough for me (the gnat or two is too many) #i need to figure out how to get my pothos to be fluffier again rather than super leggy it's ridiculous #plant whining #i desperately want a ficus and i'm so afraid i can't keep it alive #i am very attentive for a while but then there will be a period where i keep thinking 'i will water tomorrow' only it can be almost a week #mainly i think the tap water is not great and i now i want to water with filtered water but i think i keep using more water than i should #why can't plant-coddling instincts be inherited? i just don't have that 'feel' for exactly what they need like my mom

[criedtoneverdreamagain]

Simon Barry called this season the “Empire Strikes Back” to season 1’s “A New Hope” and honestly? Pretty accurate

#it was so good #probably one of the best sophomore seasons I’ve seen in television recently #and I feel beyond empty inside and sad #what an emotional rollercoaster #we need a season 3 because we need a happy avatrice kiss PLEASE #we know Ava is alive but I need her back RIGHT NOW #warrior nun 2 #warrior nun netflix #warrior nun

[reikunrei]

sleepy bc I accidentally stayed up late monologuing to myself about how free! really should have ended for the nth time 🥴

#imagine haru saying what he said to rin at the end of fs1 right. the ‘you always run away’ or w/e #and he’s angry but also upset w himself for saying it when he doesn’t REALLY mean it #and now he’s afraid he’s going to hurt his other friends so he secluded himself and throws himself into swimming #but his body is still shutting down! and albert is the one to say something #he says how he admired haru’s swimming. how the water favored him. but now something’s different. something’s wrong #and he says something that gets haru to listen. maybe haru’s a little stubborn and is like ‘stay out of this’ but it still gets #under his skin. so either he just goes to iwatobi or azuma tells him to #and he wanders around reliving memories. but they’re sort of staled now. he feels like he has no emotions. it’s like the start of s1 again #then he goes to their time capsule. and he digs it up. and inside are all their letters and the footage we saw of all his friends at the #beginning of fs1 on a dvd or thumb drive or smthn #he takes it home to his empty iwatobi house and plays it #at this point he is thinking about quitting. but then HE would be the one running away. and that fight with rin stings even more #and he doesn’t want to let his friends down. not when almost all of them are swimming Because of him #he’s so scared they’ll hate him or br angry. he wants to quit but he feels like he can’t bc who is he without swimming? #but then he watches the videos. and it mentions swimming sure. but he realizes all of his friends love him for HIM #and he can go back to tokyo and tell them everything he’s been thinking. about how he’s gonna quit. bc he just can’t do it #and of course they all support it. makoto does right out the gate. as does nagisa. rei cries a little bit he’d rather haru be happy #very similar to his choice in s1. he’s sad he can’t swim with haru. but he understood that the friendship comes first #and rin is maybe pissed. but you know he can’t be pissed for long. and he apologizes for putting haru on a pedestal #and then haru’s like well… I have to swim one final relay. so they sneak in and explain to the teammates at the last second and swap places #(none of that talking to the coach shit. I want them to commit crimes like they did in s1) #and they don’t care about winning they don’t care what the results are. they just want to see one final sight. share one final swim together #and it makes haru strong. but he’s accepted that competitive swimming isn’t for him. and he quits happily #maybe becomes a coach of sorts alongside makoto #anyway. stayed up late thinking abt it and now I’m in bed late writing it out #I did Not mean to do it it just Possesses me #i say things

[daz4i]

oh my god my brain is being so unnecessarily LOUD rn 😒

#one of those 'i can't breathe i can't handle being alive right now at all' moments xx hate it here #vent #? i guess #now that i don't have anything long term to care abt I'm done with existence man #(i still. have 2 things i need to get ready. but they're both for this weekend so it's not long term. eh) #don't get me wrong. it was hard and stressful and i wanted to die before too. but now it's the empty sort of wanting to die #liiiiiike so empty it feels my lungs are caving in and i can't even breathe to fill in the space inside me. doomed to remain empty yknow?

[floral-hex]

god, I feel so empty

#this isn’t asking for attention I promise #I don’t know… #where do you even put this? if anywhere #big melancholic existential slump kicked off a week or so ago #I just… I don’t know… #I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. #I don’t know what I’m living for. just to live I suppose. but it feels thin. unimportant. unfulfilling. #it all feels inevitably pointless #and I feel so goddamn fucking empty inside #I feel so alone #I’m not even enjoying my own company much lately #I just mope and yearn and waste away #I need to… progress. I need to evolve. I need to move forward but I have no idea how to do that #the more time I waste the harder it gets but it’s so daunting that I waste more time deciding #what can I do? what can be done? #I just want to know it’ll be okay. I just want to know where to go. #and god I can’t lie I just want to sit with someone and have them enjoy my company and share their affection if only for a little while #no way in hell am I getting back on a dating app anytime soon. what a sadness trap. #it’s either wasted hope or failed connections because I’m too shit at forming relations. at being interesting. at having anything to offer. #who needs that pain? not me. not right away. I feel so needy but I don’t need that right now. #I’m so fucking lonely #I just need something to do. #it’s just… getting hard. the nights are dark. the days are long. it all feels hopeless. #I hate this #but whatever. #this isn’t important #you can ignore this #text

[bredforloyalty]

i have to use tumblr less some of you are becoming like healthy stable fully realized people (or always have been) and i'm happy for you and cheering you on and acknowledging the pieces of advice that appear on my dash but tbh it makes me feel.. not good. due to my headspace these last few weeks or months or years

#feel shit about myself. i mean. as i often feel #like i can't be that. there are several things wrong with me on a deeper level but there are even more things wrong on the surface level #like everyday functioning and maturity you know. sometimes i get complimented on how articulate i am but if you look inside #you'll see that i am empty. a nothing person #with no real goals or aspirations or achievements. or hobbies #i have none of the qualities that someone who's ready for life has. do you know what i mean? #i'm scared all the time like i'm a coward and i don't sit with discomfort i just keep avoiding it #and it feels like every time i take a step forward it's followed by taking two steps back #and it feels like i can't talk about it with anyone because i cannot promise to become a different better person because i don't see a #precedent.. of me being able to make that happen. and i can't ask anyone to love me like this #it drives people away‚ talking about it but never fixing yourself or getting over your issues and i don't trust myself to fix it or stop #giving a shit #so what now #i'll just keep it all right here until i explode or die of old age i guess #kata.txt

[six-of-ravens]

okay I'm like 3 days behind on camp nano but I am GOING to get caught up today I swear I am GOING to do it I REFUSE to lose another nano...

#i kinda wrote myself into a corner tuesday night and never got out of it #not gonna delete words tho!!! just gonna start the scene again right below that #i feel like im at a record low for Writing Motivation OTL #i like this hobby! i want to keep it! and yet!! #and i know the best way to get back into it is just to do nano so i remember how to write...bc i don't even know where to start anymore #but still...my brain is as empty and smooth as a stone #stones aren't empty but. you get it. like an egg. if it was a kinda empty stone it'd be a geode? geodes have fun stuff inside tho #i just have like. cobwebs. and dust. #ANYWAY. GOING TO WRITE. GOING TO GET CAUGHT UP. #gonna hit the forums and find a new word crawl maybe. i liked this old HP one for years but now it's not fun anymore #maybe i can find a TAZ one...

[blackwaxidol]

Redressed my nail again, taped my finger so I don't injure the joint, did this whilst listening to Valin's playlist, got emotionally T-boned when "Dress" came on, now I am doing my leg exercises, the usual... Goodnight, everyone.

#My sleeping pills are working fine however... So I will sleep now. #I feel a little melancholic... #I have a strange emotion inside of me since a few days ago. #I had a dream where I met Atsushi. I woke up and I felt a bittersweet emotion I can't describe. #It was very out of nowhere. Sort of in-passing. I tend not to encounter recognisable people in my dreams. #Or people at all. My dreams are empty nonsense. It was unusual. #Everything in that dream was a kind of dark blue. Bathed in that kind of light. I thought that was interesting. #Doesn't make me happy or sad. Just makes... #I don't know. I suppose right now I am ''sad''. My throat hurts because my muscles are crushing it like a tin can so I don't cry. #Hah... #Regardless. Goodnight everyone... #I come back to this post after an hour to make a kind of edit in the tags. #I feel much better now. And I imagine moreso when I go to sleep and wake up. #Goodnight everyone. Kiss kiss...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water #it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing #still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy #maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body #and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing #but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things #i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they #crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord #and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness #i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give #interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year #was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped #the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury #and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right #but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel #fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe #but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water #anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time #vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see #unrelated

[transguyfestersincloset]

Here's a crappy sketch cause I'm stressed and the world is feeling hopeless.

#random shit #sketch #did this on Microsoft Journal and took a blurry screenshot #which is exactly the depressing mood I'm feeling #that kind of empty #half hearted scream #I dunno I've just been feeling kind of lost and hopeless #especially with all the crap trans people are facing right now #and I'm just in the closet... #feeling awful #trying to move forward but I'm stuck? #does anyone have tips to feel better about the world or something? #trans #transmasc #lgbtq+ #queer #I feel so tired but like- in my soul #dead inside #that's the vibe #sorry for the vent #vent

[seafoodsoda]

I'm so tired lately all i've been doing is laying in bed all day and I can't really get up and out of my room. part of me is thinking "maybe I'm not eating enough right now" so my body isn't making energy, ooooor this is the seasonal depression everyone's talking about (it's me i'm people this happens every year)

#personal rambles #tw depression #i'd tag went but I don't really feel anything towards this mood but 'tired' #which is I guess the whole point of feeling empty inside is that you lack the energy to feel frustrated #and I associate venting with stronger emotions than i'm feeling right now so it doesn't feel appropriate #i'll probably be okay in a week (wishful thinking) it just kinda sucks right now

[fortheloveofthestyles]

It’s been a goddamn year I don’t know why I’m still this numb

#I just wish I could really feel things again #I’m just so empty right now #I miss not having this emptiness inside me #it’s all too much for nothingness #even when I feel like I’m laughing I feel hollow #I thought for a moment a couple days ago I got something back #But once that conversation ended I was empty again #I can’t do this #I hate this #just ignore this #I just needed to get this off my chest #the people I’ve told just say it’ll come back but it’s been a year #He took everything from me #even my fucking laugh

[castdowns]

26.

#I don’t even know if I feel like crying #I made it to 26 and I have people who love me but I still feel so sad and empty and ill-at-ease #it’s hard to feel good right now I guess #my a parents are looking for me #and I am here and I am trying to be calm but I feel so raw inside #I think I feel like I’ve been suffocating for a long time #I don’t want to talk to them and I don’t miss them #I’m just unsure of myself #I am still learning who I am #I want a new name #I want to know home won’t crumble beneath my feet again