#i feel so isolated but like my friend just left my house an hour ago

[stargirllanaa]

୨⎯ "Bad Liar" - R.C

❥ Masterlist

Warnings: NONCON smut, Dark!Rafe, Toxic relationship, abusive relationship, Domestic violence, mentions of drinking, rafes pretty bad as usual

Summary: You snuck out to hang with the pogue’s… bad idea. Idea is from a comment on this post.

A/n ✎: OMG thank you for 200 followers!! I started writing Rafe like 3 weeks ago but the overwhelming support has been so motivating <333 love you all sm! Please reblog and comment if you enjoyed!!! Btw my request are open again, don’t be shy ;)

Wc: 2.1k

18+ MINORS DNI YOU WILL BE BLOCKED!

You quietly entered your house, locking the door behind you. It was 2 am, and you had just driven home from the other side of the island because you had to sneak around to hang out with your friends. Your boyfriend Rafe didn't like your choice of friends, often calling them ‘dirty pogues’ and claiming that they were all ‘trying to turn you against him,’ and that pissed you off.

Just because Rafe had a problem with Pogues didn't mean you had to, and frankly, his reasoning for hating them so much was stupid; because of his issue with them, you were frequently isolated. Still, you wouldn't let Rafe stop you from having a social life outside of him, so you would sometimes sneak out late at night, go to the cut, visit your friends, and return home like nothing had happened.

You did feel guilty about going behind Rafe's back, but what could you do? You weren't going to cut all your friends off because Rafe told you to. It wasn't like you were cheating.

You made sure to cover all of your tracks. Knowing Rafe had your location, you left your phone at home every time you snuck out. You always left at night so you could text Rafe ‘goodnight,’ and he wouldn't suspect anything from you not responding, and you would always make it back in three hours at the most just to be careful. You knew if Rafe found out about you sneaking around, he would be furious; you had been disobeying his wishes for months and lying to his face.

As you crept up your stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, you couldn't help but smile; even though you hated to admit it, you and Rafe never had fun. I mean, you two had ‘fun’ in his way, like going golfing, parties, ‘Rafe stuff,’ but you two would never do anything you wanted to do, and with The Pogues, it was the opposite; you got to get messy, get drunk on the beach even do girly things like braid Sarah's hair or have Kie paint your nails, things that you could never do with rafe. It was a relief to do something you enjoyed.

You opened the door to your bedroom, which was pitch black; you had turned all your lights out before you left; you felt around on the wall for the light switch, flipping it upwards. The lights momentarily blinded you, but you jumped when you saw the manlike figure on your bed. When your eyes finally focused, it was worse than what you expected.

Rafe was sitting on your bed, staring directly at you; his face was unreadable and emotionless, which was terrifying. Your boyfriend was usually expressive, the type to lash out when angry; you had never seen him this calm, and you certainly didn't expect him to be calm after catching you going behind his back.

You stood frozen in the doorway, unable to tear your gaze away from him or move. This didn't feel real.

“Where were you?” Rafe asked, breaking the silence; his voice was monotone, empty of emotion as he sat on your bed, just looking at you.

Your throat felt dry, and your tongue heavy with unsaid words. You struggled to find your voice and form a coherent response, and the utter shock and fear rendered you speechless.

“I don't want to repeat myself,” Rafe mumbled under his breath; he was allowing you to come clean and save yourself from whatever he had planned if he caught you in a lie.

“I was…” you blinked a couple of tears back, thinking of what to say. “I went to the gas station… to get some.” you looked up and then back at him, fidgeting with your hands. “snacks.” you lied, voice cracking from nerves.

Rafe smirked, slighting, breaking his calm facade. Did this amuse him?

“Right.” Rafe nodded, looking at his lap as if he was thinking about what you just said. “So you went to the gas station, right?” he asked, awaiting a response.

You nodded, but you couldn't stop the tears from glazing your eyes and your whole body from trembling.

“And you left your phone at home?” Rafe questioned you, head tilting slightly and his eyes narrowing.

You completely forgot that since Rafe was waiting for you in your room and most likely saw your phone on your nightstand. Your lies were falling apart before your eyes.

“I forgot-” You mumbled quietly, still standing in your doorway. You hoped you weren't loud enough to wake anyone in your house, but you were too scared to get closer to Rafe.

“Y/n,” Rafe muttered, pushing himself off the bed, now standing in front of it. “I'm done with the lies. Alright?” the blonde sighs, now talking with his hands. “I've been here for,” he looks down at his expensive watch, taking in the time. “2 hours,” Rafe admits, fist clenching to his side.

Your face fell when he said that, he had caught you; he had to know; there was no excuse or lie you could think of to justify why you were at the gas station for 2 hours in the middle of the night. Your heart started to beat faster, and your tears finally spilled over; you weren't just scared, you were terrified; you didn't want to admit to hanging out with the Pogues, but what else could you do? You had tried lying and failed, making the situation worse, and Rafe probably already expected the worst. I mean, you were sneaking out in the middle of the night. That would look like cheating to anyone.

“And I don't see any snacks either.” Rafe sighs as he combs his finger through his hair.

He was right; you didn't even think of that; you were a horrible liar.

“So I'm going to ask you one more time.” Rafe’s posture was stiff, and his hands were shaky, “where. Were. you.” his tone was sharp, and his breathing was speeding up as he waited for your response.

“I was at the chateau…ok?!” You blurted out loudly, quickly covering your mouth after realizing your door was still open. “John B’s place, it was me, Sarah.” his eyes rolled when you mentioned his sister, “Kiara, Pope, JJ.” You were now half whispering and hyperventilating simultaneously; your tears were prevalent as you told your boyfriend everything. There was no point in lying anymore, he had caught you, and he was pissed.

“We were just hanging out, and I'm sorry; I know I should have-” You were just saying anything that came to mind, trying to improve this situation, word vomit.

“Come here.” Your boyfriend mumbled, cutting you off; his voice was low and shaky.

You shook your head. ‘No,’ you didn't want to be anywhere near him right now; you had just admitted to lying to him multiple times and didn't want to face the consequences.

“Ok,” he shakes his head before running his hand through his hair again and saying something under his breath that you didn't quite catch.

Before you knew it, he was charging at you. You tried to run out the doorway, but as soon as you turned, one of his arms was wrapped around your waist, pulling you against his stiff chest, and with the other, he used his hand to cover your mouth in one swift motion before using his foot to shut your door.

“You were lying to me.” he hissed into your ear, pushing you against your wall, back facing him. “Calculating plans behind my back.” he used the hand that was around your waist to grab a chuck of your hair, forcing your head to snap to the side. “To hang out with dirty Pogues.” he was now gripping your hair so tight you felt it might come out of your head. “And probably sleep with them behind my back.” His voice didn't raise once as he automatically assumed the worst.

You couldn't deny his claims; his hand was over your mouth tight, your parents were right upstairs, and he knew that.

“How many times? Huh?” Rafe questioned you, pulling your hair back just enough to make eye contact, and when you looked into his eyes, they didn't look normal; they were dark. “How many times did you fuck those disgusting Pogues while you pretend to be asleep?” he was dead serious.

He slowly moved his hand from over your mouth, waiting for you to respond, but when you let out a loud cry instead, he quickly covered it again before slamming your head against the wall, which was also noisier than he expected.

In Rafe's mind, he couldn't accept the fact that you and another guy could just be friends, especially not you and a Pogue; in Rafe's mind, you 100% cheated on him, and there was no convincing him otherwise. He was disgusted; who knows where those pogues had been or who they had been in? They were filthy and grimy; who knows what you could have given him.

“You're disgusting.” Rafe whispers in your ear before flipping your body around to face him, stuck between him and the walls.

“I can't believe I trusted you.” His hand was now grabbing at your hair again, gripping the top of your scalp and using it as leverage to push you down on your knees in front of him.

You fought back, trying to stand straight, but Rafe quickly overpowered you. And before you knew it, you were kneeling before him like he wanted.

“I'm going to let go of you, and if you make any noise…” he paused momentarily, looking deeply into your eyes. “I'll kick your fucking teeth in.” he threatened, voice still shaking. “Understand?”

You nodded to the best of your ability with his tight grip on your hair and face.

When he let go, you tried your best to stay quiet, letting out little cries and whimpers, but not enough for him to fulfill his threat. The tears hadn't stopped since he'd caught you, and you were so fucking exhausted from all the fun you had earlier and now the pain, accusations, and tears. But when you looked up to see Rafe unbuttoning his pants, you couldn't keep quiet.

“No-” You protested quietly, as you started to hyperventilate, tears now fully clouding your vision. “Rafe-” You couldn't even catch your breath. You were panicking.

“Shut the fuck up,” Rafe demanded quietly, but his tone was still harsh as he pulled down his pants.

“I can't breathe-” You were cut off by Rafe pushing your head, causing it to slam against the wall; you immediately rubbed the back of your head to soothe the pain as you cried harder.

Rafe was getting more annoyed with you by the second, jaw ticking every time he looked at you. He grabbed your chin roughly, pulling your face closer to his crotch.

“I told you to shut the fuck up.” Rafe sneered as he used his other hand to pull his boxers down and begin stroking his cock right in front of your face.

You couldn't stop crying. You couldn't believe this was happening; just an hour ago, you were out with your friends, having fun, not even worried about your boyfriend. You had gotten away with sneaking out so many times already; how could you have known today would be any different?

“Open your mouth,” Rafe demanded as he held his cock right in front of your lips.

You tried to turn your head to the side, but Rafe wasn't having it. His grip on your chin got tighter and tighter until you tried to cry out in pain, but as soon as you opened your mouth, he got what he wanted.

His hand holding your chin was back on your hair as he guided your head up and down at a quick, harsh pace. Sounds of gags and rafes and low moans filled the room. It was music to his ears but traumatizing for you.

“Fuck y/n.” Rafe moaned out, “I'm gonna miss this.”

You were a little confused, but if you were being honest, you were barely listening to Rafe anyway, too emotionally broken to pay attention to whatever he was saying.

“Can't be with a bitch who would fuck a pogue,” Rafe grunted out.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Enjoyed my fic? Leave feedback! Comment/reblog!

Wanna see more? Check out my fic Sweet little lies.

Also tagging @necroflame (bc I lied about the post time to many times 😭) and @fabienne6656 for the idea!!! Thx bye..

#dark!rafe cameron #dark!rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fanfiction #dark rafe cameron #obx fanfiction #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #dark rafe x reader #obx imagine #dark!fic #dark!rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #rafe obx #rafe fanfiction #rafe outer banks #obx fic #rafe imagine

[squishycheekanon]

SoftDark! Slasher!Techno

Prompt: You ask a stranger to pretend to be your boyfriend to get rid of your ex.

Warnings: violence, stalking, unhinged Techno, 6’6 Techno, blood, murder,

You hadn’t wanted to go out, that much was clear to your best friend, Mia, when she had pestered you non stop only to have you brush her off each time with a huff and a ‘no’. Though she was very persistant, it was Halloween, she had whined. This coming from the woman that went out every year for Halloween, you however didn’t, you’d been out a few times for it but the last few years it had just seemed so trivial.

“You know just because you keep nagging me about it doesn’t mean I’m gonna change my mind.” You groaned trying your hardest to keep your temper at neutral.

“Please! I promise I won’t ever ask you to go out with me again!” She pressed, eyes wide with hope, it made you deflate a little. You knew you were giving in.

A pregnant pause sounded throughout the room before you conceded, “fine.” She squealed loudly and began bouncing around the room going on about what costumes to wear, it made you laugh.

About an hour later when she’d finally finished and calmed down you’d pushed her out your cabin, she stood her ground only leaving when you promised to meet her for hot cocoa the next day to discuss costumes and makeup. Only when you agreed did she leave letting you breath a sigh of relief as you watched her walk down the footpath leading into the woods that surrounded your quaint little home.

Living far away from society wasn’t exactly your choice to begin with, and even with many many protests from Mia, the place had begun to grow on you. As did the routine, getting up early, chopping up firewood as best you could, foraging and exploring the woods around your home so much so you had mapped them out.

You were confident you knew these woods better than anyone else.

After Mia had disappeared from your sight you’d closed your door and locked it. A main lock, and several little ones as well as a big wooden plank that slotted on two hooks. Impossible for anyone to break in. You repeated the actions with the backdoor and the windows, only feeling at ease when all of the entrances were locked up tight.

You’d been in this self assigned isolation for so long this was normal now, the feelings of anxiety and fear only leaving when everything was secure. No one would be getting in, especially not your ex. The man you were hiding from. The reason for your isolation. A disgusting being.

He’d put you through so much and when you’d finally escaped he came after you again, never wanting to let you go. He’d marked you in his eyes and he wasn’t going to let what he thought was his just leave. So here you were four years later hiding.

Mia had assured you that the police were doing everything in their power to find him and that it was safe to return to society but you knew better. He was smart, they’d never catch him. You’d live like this for the rest of your life, alone.

It wasn’t all bad, you were able to do pretty much whatever you wanted. With the big inheritance that your now gone family had left you, you had no need for a job. Money wasn’t a worry for you which was good.

You were able to buy food, and enough things to furnish your house in exactly the way you had wanted. You had enough clothes, even though there weren’t a lot of them, you still had everything you needed.

Most days you read or baked just like today, to keep your mind off the darkening sky you focused on your cookies and cakes that were baking away nicely while you stirred the home made jam.

You mind was numb as you watched an old movie on the IPad Mia had gotten you a couple Christmas’s ago. Crawling into bed with the lamp still on, you fell asleep with somewhat ease of knowing your hand was wrapped around the handle of your gun under your pillow. Just in case.

-

“Oh Nachzehrer where are you?” He hummed with a sing-song tone, thick boots and heavy footsteps pounded on the floor with each step. All he heard was a snort in reply, one that made the corners of his lips twitch with a smile under his mask.

“Shut up!” He spat when the man he carried groaned, “You were so loud and now you insist on making more noise? How selfish can you be?!” He snarled before dropping the man on the floor grimacing as the poor guy let out a scream.

“Nachzehrer! Dinner.”

-

You’d wrapped up warm today and good thing too as the cold air blew into your face making you snuggle into your red scarf. Looking both ways you crossed the street from the edge of the woods to the start of town, Bludhaven.

Sighing as you wandered through the street passing all the shops, only stopping when you reached The Bludhaven Grill. Stepping inside you scanned the room until your eyes landed on Mia, her bright green eyes flitting over the menu. Her dark purple hair pulled up into a messy bun, she always died her hair for Halloween.

The thought made you remember all the different colours she died her hair, every colour from the rainbow and more. A crazy hair colour for October and then November first she’s back to brown hair like it never happened.

“Hey!” You jumped slightly when Mia shouted your way, you shrunk away from the attention of the other people in the restaurant and made your way over. A quick hug later and you were pulling off your black coat and scarf, hanging them on the back of your seat before pulling off your black leather gloves too.

“I already ordered the coco,” Mia smiled brightly, “want any food?” She asked looking over the menu again.

“No thanks i ate a little while ago.” You replied starting to feel a little jittery, the way you always felt when you left the safety of your home. She nodded and continued to read through the food options.

“Oh how’s your sister by the way? I keep forgetting to ask, any news from her?” Mia asks not looking away from the menu.

“I don’t know actually I haven’t heard from her in a while but I guess you don’t have a lot of time to write when you’re in the military.” You answered, you missed your sister dearly.

“Where was she stationed again?” Mia asked this time her eyes meeting yours.

“France? Or Germany…. You know I’m not too sure actually.“ Mia just nodded deciding to drop it seeing how you began to look sad talking about it.

You shook your head to get rid of the current thoughts, glancing around the restaurant for anything out of the ordinary but you couldn’t see anything and you tried to repeat that over and over again in your head to make you relax. Obviously it didn’t work, you practically jumped out of your skin when the waiter placed your steaming hot coco in front of you.

The man looked at you weird before walking away, “Are you okay?” Mia asked concern lacing her voice, the emotion present on her face too.

“Yeah,” you said almost trying to convince yourself more than her, “yeah I’m a….I’m fine.” She looked unconvinced and made that very apparent by how her face contorted as if to say ‘seriously?’. You were quick to try and change the subject, “What costume did you decide on?”

Thankfully the question was enough to get her off your back, “oh! I decided on slutty witch.” She giggled.

“How original.” You scoffed with a playfulness to it.

“And what are you gonna wear huh?” She crossed her arms in fake annoyance.

“I haven’t particularly thought about it, it’s been quite a while since I’ve been out.” The two of you continued your chit chat and playful banter, concluding that Mia would pick your outfit and you’d just have to wear it. Definitely risky considering Mia’s style was very different than yours but you couldn’t think of a good enough excuse to say no.

Your coco finished, keeping you warm and starting to make you sleepy Mia offered to drive you home to which you accepted. She quickly ran to the bathroom leaving you to sit and think. That was bad, you took deep calming breathes to settle your anxiety. It just got worse, you picked up your coat pulling it on as well as your scarf all in a hurry to make it outside for some fresh air you crashed into someone.

Someone. A wall. A freakin mountain.

You fought every nerve in your body not to gape at the man standing in front of you. His size was astonishing, must be at least 6’6 in height. At least. His face was stoic, never changing even as his eyes darted around your face with pure curiosity. His facial expression never changed.

His hair was longish, coming to a stop at his sharp jawline. His face looked at little rough, but it matched the rest of him. His huge muscles melded with the black t-shirt he wore, you could see how thick his legs were almost begging to burst out of the dark blue jeans he was wearing.

“Sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going.” You apologised, trying your hardest not to stutter under his piercing gaze. All he did was nod, hands moving so they were sat in the front pockets of his jeans.

“Let’s go man.” Another guy who look so similar to him but his hair was longer and tied back in a low bun. He was a little bit taller, but wasn’t as muscular and big. He had a bit of pudge on him as well. Though if you didn’t know any better you’d call them, not twins, but definitely brothers. The man’s accent seemed foreign, French maybe?

Once again the giant nodded following his friend out of the grill, his eyes only leaving your figure when he had to walk out the door. You were frozen in place staring at where he last was.

“Who was that?” You almost screamed at the sound of her voice.

“Jeez Mia!” Placing your hand over your heart in fright, “we need to get you a bell.” You breathed listening to her laugh. Her question forgotten about, though as you walked out of the grill together and made it to her car you did wonder, who was that?

-

“So where are we going? To a bar? A party? Trick or treating?” You ask as Mia adds the last bit of mascara onto your eyelashes before pulling back admiring her work with a happy nod.

“We’re going to a festival in town. It’s only small but I’m pretty sure the whole town will be there.” She answers but notices the panic that covers your face, “hey, hey it’s okay. Relax. There’s music, a bar, there’s even a fair with apple bobbing and a ring toss. It’ll be fun.” She smiles softly her green eyes sparkling with care.

“That’s not like you. Usually you go to parties.” You said watching in the mirror as she shrugs then goes to tighten your extremely dark green corset, it was almost black. Delicate flower patters in a slightly lighter green graced the corset that sat snug over your creamed coloured blouse. The red skirt you had on reached the floor, covering your black tights and brown laced up riding boots. Little red riding hood, and not the slutty version. You were very pleased with Mia’s choice.

“I didn’t want your first time out in years to be some shitty party. We’ll actually have fun at this. Plus you can leave whenever you want, I’ll even come with you.” You quickly pull Mia into a tight hug one she accepts just a swiftly.

“Thank you.” You mutter so grateful to have Mia in your life. She squeezes you a little tighter, you stay like this for a while until you decide to stop being sappy and go have some fun for the first time in so long.

Mia drove the two of you into town and by the looks of the streets, the festival is already in full swing. The streetlights shining down on all the people dancing and smiling, everyone seemed to be having fun. Mia parked and the two of you made your way through the crowd of scary and slutty, even some funny costumes until you found yourself standing outside some barn.

It had been fully decked out in Halloween decorations and pretty lights. Surrounding the barn was the fair, to the left was a stage, some band rocking out on it with loads of people surrounding it singing along to some song you didn’t know. A slight breeze makes shiver, you pull the red velvet cloak tighter around you for warmth.

“Hey I’m gonna grab us some drinks.” Mia purrs staring the hot bartender down, it makes you laugh as you push her towards the bar inside the barn. There’s so many people inside and out you loose her in the sea of people but for once you don’t freak out. You just admire your surroundings, happy to be out of your cabin, it felt nice.

But all good things come to an end.

“Long time no see sweetie.” David grinned viciously leaving a sickening feeling to swirl around you. “Boy have I been waiting for this moment.” He reaches out for you and you fall back into the crowed to get away from him. Your feet move before your brain can register and you’re so glad as you begin running and screaming.

“Please help!” You screeched as loudly as you could trying to get people to hear you over the booming music. No one did, until you crashed into someone. Again. His face was covered by a mask of some kind, it looked like the skull of a pig, the tusks still intact. Soulless dark eyes glared at you through the eyes holes, but you recognised the giant. You’d never seen anyone as big as him before, there’s no way you’d forget him.

“You.” Your voice held uncertainty and surprise but Techno focused on the fear evident in your eyes, screaming at him. He recognised it so easily. Pulling off his mask to get a better look, although the fear you displayed didn’t bring him the dopamine rush as it usually did.

“Please!” You grab onto his boiler suit outfit so tight and with such desperation that the voices in his head go quiet. “Help me! Please!” You plead eyes burning with the threat of tears, but he nods and instantly you breath a sigh of relief, “my ex is here, he is dangerous and looking for me. Please, I…I,” you scrambled for way he could help, when the idea popped into your head, “pretend to be my boyfriend.”

Techno tilts his head slightly, face unchanged from the first time you’d met, from when you’d just bumped into him. With an uncertainty in his movements he hooks an arm around your waist pulling your body against his hulking form. The air twitches with power, that’s what you felt in the force he tugged you forward. Unbridled power just emanating from him. You felt so tiny staring up at him towering over you, eyes staring into your soul yet face still stoic.

“What the fuck!” The yell is one your familiar with in the worst ways, it makes your body tremble, makes you grip onto Techno’s Michael Myers costume tighter. Techno notices and find himself frowning, finds himself not liking it one. God. Damn. Bit.

The voices in his head begin ranting and raving the second he takes his eyes off you and they land on what he could only describe as a pathetic excuse for a man. But that way you shake against him, he could see how such a man could make a little thing like you cower in fear.

“Get off her!” Your ex, David, growled his shoulders squared ready for a fight even as he glared up at the absolute beast of a man that currently held you in his arms.

“Okay.” Techno agreed. You panicked, your heartbeat rising, breathing picking up. That’s what you get for asking a stranger for help. A panic attack back on the rise you released your grip on Techno’s outfit and began to back away from him. He watched you still a frown on his face, the first bit of emotion you’d seen him display.

That was until he turned to his left, facing your ex who had his eyes on you with a hunger that made you stomach churn in disgust. Techno’s eyes light up as he rolled his shoulders, his arm moving back before he swung it and punched your ex right in the face.

He fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Techno glanced at you, his rubies looking you up and down with a flicker of concern? Maybe? Before he leaned down grabbing David’s wrist and dragged him away.

You stood there dumbfounded, what had just happened? And where was he taking him? You didn’t understand, but you were going to. Searching the room you spotted Mia seeing her making out with the hot bartender. She was okay, that gave you the green light to rush out of the barn. The whole world felt like it was swirling and spinning as you looked for a giant dragging a man with him.

There! Your eyes widened as you watched him disappear into the woods, and then the stupid kicked in and you sprinted after them. The further you got into the woods the quicker you started to realise just how idiotic this really was.

You didn’t know this man, he was a stranger and yes he may have saved you but right now he was dragging your ex along the dirt floor like he was nothing. You didn’t like where this was going and you sure as hell didn’t want to see how it ended. Turning around you realised that you were in the middle of nowhere, no festival in sight.

“Shit.” You cursed under your breath turning back to see that the giant and your ex had disappeared too. Now you were alone, lost in the middle of the woods.

“Okay okay you can do this, you know the woods it’s just darker.” You coaxed yourself, you needed to stay calm and collected. Easy right?

“Help!” Wrong. The ear shattering scream of what you thought was your ex sprouted a new level of fear inside of you.

You followed the desperate cries until you saw something out of a horror movie the absolute beast of a man was holding your ex down while he cut him open. It reminded you of when you had to dissect a frog in science, the very same technique.

Your ex cried and screamed for him to stop only for Techno to tut and reply with shut up. The scene before you had your stomach churning, you felt absolutely sickened to your core. Watching the man who had brought you so much pain writhe on the dirty ground, it wasn’t what you thought you’d feel.

Maybe you’d feel justice? Happy? Relieved? No, you felt sick as your eyes followed the way his guts spewed out from his stomach. Holding your hand over your mouth as to not make a sound, you sought strength from the tree a little ahead of you. Stepping forward, all you wanted was to grip onto the tree, all you wanted was some support, instead, a snapping noise emanated around you.

You’d stepped on a twig. You knew it and looking up into the dark dangerous eyes of the giant, he knew it too.

You wondered in that moment where the gentle giant who was kind enough to protect you had disappeared to. He looked hungry and murderous, like killing once had ignited the fire in him. “Run kleines Lamm, this lions hungry.”

“Shit!” You screeched as he advanced towards you, you ran as fast as you could. You left your brain behind and ran, no thoughts entered your head. All you knew was that you had to keep running and ignore the thundering footsteps behind you, it felt like they were shaking the whole forest.

You looked back for a split second and saw him slowing down, it pushed you to move faster knowing the advantage this gave you. You made your body go and when you thought you couldn’t move anymore you kept going. This was quite literally life or death and despite the fact that you were sure you’d be the first to die in any horror movie, you were not dying today.

Glancing back once more was a mistake given that you tripped and landed on your ankle funny, a cut on your knee and both of your hands were grazed. Hearing him closing in on you, you manage to pull yourself behind a tree. The massive trunk kept you out of site while you looked over your leg with a small hiss escaping your mouth.

You quickly covered your mouth with both hands, trying to ignore the blood that was dripping from the cut in your knee, you peeked out from behind the tree to see him stood quite far away, his eyes searching the forest through that pig skull mask of his.

You were, officially, screwed.

“You shouldn’t have followed me kleines Lamm. I don’t want to hurt you.” The words felt fuzzy and wrong coming out of his mouth, “You really should have stayed at the festival.” Shivers racked through your body at his words and the murderous tone he was so desperately trying to soften.

“Oh Nachzehrer where are you?” Techno hummed with a sing-song tone. You heard a snort in reply, and if you thought that the giant’s footsteps were loud, these were booming. Peeking back out you spotted what looked to be a massive warthog, his body three times the size of a regular one. He was vicious, with blood all round his mouth and tusks.

You were so entranced with the warthog, so terrified by its presence that you missed it. You should of been smarter, you should of fought harder. But in the end the bad guy always wins.

“Hello kleines Lamm.” Was the last thing you heard before it all went black.

-

Your head was pounding, it felt like your brain was trying to claw its was out of your skull. With blurry vision you looked at your surroundings, instantly noticing the gigantic warthog laid in the corner of the room chewing on a bone. You couldn’t react, you were absolutely gone…

Delta India delta, Yankee Oscar uniform, golf echo tango, tango hotel echo, hotel Oscar November echo Yankee Charlie Oscar Mike echo, Romeo echo Charlie India papa echo?

You were so drowsy, so out of it, so delirious it the words you thought you heard made no sense…

“India, hotel alpha victor echo, hotel echo Romeo”

#slasher!techno #squishy’shalloweenparty #squishycheekanon #squishycheekanonanswer #asks are appreciated #beefy!techno #squishtalks

[samithefungus]

Coffin meets reader who actually alive but buried bc some people had knocked them out and hope they had suffocate underground. Coffin help the reader get back to the surface (and maybe a little bit of revenge)

Thank you Anon for the request, hope you like it.<3

Coffin x Buried Alive Reader

WARNINGS: Mention of Panic, Claustrophobia and Suffocation

-You were with some 'friends' in a fairly isolated cottage in the countryside

-They had asked if you wanted to stop to help with some renovations and you agreed

-As soon as you arrived you found your friends welcoming you

-When you entered the house everything seemed to be in pretty good order and you didn't understand what needed to be renovated

-You asked for explanations from your friends who said: "We'll explain it to you later, right now we've prepared tea for you, why don't you go and drink it"

-You agreed, so they accompanied you to the kitchen and gave you a cup of tea

-After a few sips, however, you felt strange; your head was spinning, and when you got up to go outside to get some air, you fell to the ground, losing conscious

-Your 'friends' picked you up, loaded you into their car and took you to the cemetery; then they buried you in an empty grave

-The headstone had the name "David" engraved on it, and a coffin was already there

-They had located that grave long ago, and what better place to hide a corpse (or rather who would soon become a corpse) than a grave in a cemetery; no one would come looking for you there

-Initially they wanted to kill you directly, but no one had the courage; so they opted to drug you and bury you alive so that you suffocated to death

-You regained consciousness a few hours later, not quite remembering what had happened

-When you opened your eyes you didn't understand where it was, and when you tried to get up you hit your head on something wooden

- "Ouch!" You heard "Be more careful!"

-You looked up, then turned your head to the right and then to the left; you were surrounded by wood...and it just spoke to you

- "Excuse me, but where exactly am I? And who are you?" You asked cordially

- "I am Coffin, and as you can also guess, you are buried under the ground" He answered you

- "Buried? But I'm not dead" You said confusedly

- "If you are here you must be dear" He answered you

-It couldn't be; you knew you couldn't be dead, you could feel your heart beating and your chest enlarging when you breathed

-This thing of being presumed dead made you anxious, the you began to shake, you felt your heart beating faster and faster, and you began to breathe frantically

-Coffin noticed this behavior and it seemed very strange to him, usually the other dead people he had hosted were not so 'active'; except for one who would not stop talking, but that is another story

-Coffin could clearly hear your heartbeat and see your chest getting bigger with every breath you took, something unusual for a dead person; maybe you were right and you weren't really dead

-But that means that if you had continued to breathe so frantically, you would run out of oxygen

-Then Coffin tried to calm you down, and strangely enough he succeeded

- "Well, now that you are calm, explain to me what happened dear" Coffin asked

- "I don't remember much" You replied

- "Then tell me what you remember" He said to you

- "Let's see...I had gone to some of my friends' house to help them with some renovations; as soon as I arrived they offered me tea, but after a few sips my head started to spin, so I got up to go outside for some air, but I fell to the ground and everything has become dark, then when I opened them again I was here"

- "Well...From this I can't tell if you're dead or alive, but I have a sure-fire method to figure it out; there should be a pair of scissors in there, take them and cut off a finger; I know it sounds brutal, but it will help, trust me"

-You looked around for the scissors, and when you found them, you cut one of your finger off

-Blood started coming out and you made a little noise of pain

- "My God, so it's true, you're alive!" Coffin exclaimed

-You started to get lost in your thoughts; you thought that those bastards you thought were your friends tricked you, drugging you and burying you so that you could suffocate to death underground, you thought that most likely there were no renovations to be done either and that was just a way to get you to an isolated place where they could carry out their plan, you thought that you would soon die there and no one would ever look for you

-You looked around and seeing yourself surrounded by wood gave you a claustrophobic attack and you started breathing frantically again

-Coffin tried again to calm you down, but this time he did not succeed easily

- "Calm down, You've run out of oxygen," he told you

- "WHAT'S THE POINT OF THINKING ABOUT PRESERVING OXYGEN IF I'M GOING TO DIE HERE ANYWAY!!!" You cried out in panic

- "You won't die, I promise, I have friends on surface who can dig you out" Coffin said

-Hearing that sentence you calmed down and your breathing became regular again; you had a hope of salvation

-A couple of hours passed, but the situation always seemed the same

-Coffin tried to keep you company as much as possible and you appreciated that, but your oxygen was beginning to run out

-Because of this you had a severe headache and were beginning to feel very sleepy

-You were beginning to feel the cramped space you were enclosed in getting tighter and tighter every minute that passed

-You began to sweat, chills were running through your body, and you felt a strong sense of nausea; your pulse was racing and you were trying to keep your breathing under control

-You felt the wooden walls as if they were clenching and were about to crush you

-You knew you were delirious, perhaps from lack of oxygen, perhaps from claustrophobia, or perhaps from both

-At some point you started to see blurry and feel heavy-eyed and you were sure you were going to die

-Suddenly you saw a light and thought you were dead and that was heaven, but when you felt fresh air enter your nose you realized that that light was the sunlight and you were finally free

-You quickly climbed out of the pit and breathed deeply; at that moment it was as if the air tasted good

-You wanted to thank Coffin's friend who had set you free, but when you turned around no one was there

- "So what are you going to do now?"  Coffin asked you

- "I survived and now that only one thing to do...Revenge!!!" You answered almost indemonically

- "I'd like to help you in some way," Coffin told you

- "If you really want to...could you dig some pits please"

- "Sure dear, but what do you need them for?" He asked you

- "You'll see!!!" You replied

-Then you headed for your ex-friends' house, fortunately it was not very far from the cemetery

-You spied on them, waiting until one by one they were isolated and then hitting them in the head with a heavy object

-You didn't want to kill them, you just wanted to knock them out; and fortunately you knew where to hit to accomplish your intent

-Then you put the unconscious bodies in your car and drove to the spot where Coffin had dug the pits

-You threw the bodies one by one into the pits and then buried them

- "Did you kill them?" Coffin asked

- "No, they're just unconscious, they will suffocate to death in the pits" You replied

-There was a moment of silence, then you spoke again: "Coffin, thank you for everything; you are the best thing that has happened to me in my whole life"

-Coffin didn't expect to hear this, but honestly he was also pleased and you can tell that he even blushed a little bit

#x reader #don't hug me i'm scared #dhmis #dhmis x reader #dhmis coffin

[kazemi-archive]

Out of the House

Pairing: Oikawa Tōru x Reader

Word Count: ~1.2k

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mentions of drinking, mentions of throwing up

Summary: Think all my friends secretly hate me. I tend to self-destruct when I’m left alone on weekends. I hate parties but I think I need to go to one. Hangovers suck but I think I need to get drunk and do reckless shit all in the name of being young. I think I just really need to get out of the house.

Part Eleven of Desiderium

A/N: If dialogue is in blue, this is irl something that was said to me or by me. Thank you for being here live for my therapy.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling of my living room, my head was laying uncomfortably on the arm of my couch, my legs haphazardly thrown over the other one and quickly going numb. However, I couldn’t be bothered enough to adjust my position. I picked up my phone and checked the time as I slid it open. No new messages. I dropped my phone back onto my chest. My messages to my friends were still left on delivered. Ones asking if we could find a time to get together. The first time I’d tried to ask in almost six months.

Six months since Tōru and I had ended. I had fallen into a slump with reaching out. Buried myself in work and then isolation. It had taken its toll. Seeing my friends go out and do things together. They’d stopped trying to talk to me too. And now, being left on delivered for the last few hours… made me think all my friends secretly hate me. My brain provided justification - that was why no one could hang out. Logically I know they were just busy but it didn’t change the thoughts.

I get it. I do. Being busy. It seemed like I was always busy lately. But whether they hated me or were just busy, I could really use a friend right now. It felt like I wasn’t myself lately and I knew exactly why, the complete change of never seeing my friends anymore was destructive to me.

But now, on the weekend, the first full weekend I’d had off in a while, I couldn’t help but shrink in on myself. I could feel the thoughts in my head growing heavy, being left alone on the weekend. It was something I hadn’t had to experience in quite a while. I’d had Tōru for so long to keep me from being alone. And in the six months since, I’d tried to not be off work for too long. But now, I was reminded of why I’d avoided staying home alone for long periods. I tended to self-destruct when left alone. To not leave my bed or my couch.

I sighed. And flipped to the picture the Makki had sent me a few weeks ago. It was an invite. To one of his friend’s parties. One for tonight. I’d said no originally. I hate parties, always had. So many people and situations where I had to interact. I hated everything about them. But staring at that invite, maybe it’s what I needed.

I dragged myself off the couch and over to my closet. I hadn’t spoken to Makki in a while and I wondered if it would be weird if I just showed up. I took a deep breath as I stared at my closet before opening my messages again.

Hey Hiro, the offer for the party tonight, still on the table?

I sat down, staring up at the closet, trying to imagine what I’d wear if I did go. Maybe a party was my solution to the feeling that was eating away at my insides now. The emptiness that came from not interacting with people. I need to go to one.

My phone rang with a reply. Just one word on the screen. Sure. I hated that word. But I would take it. I shook my head, convincing myself he meant it.

I needed this. I repeated it in my head every time I almost tried to talk myself out of going. I laid out my outfit and put on some music to help me get out of my head. It would help. Being able to be loud, sing to music, raise my voice over a crowd.

I got ready fast. A little too fast because I still had an hour before it would be acceptable for me to leave and not be too early.

I remember making the decision to start drinking. To pick up the unopened bottle of alcohol in my cabinet and finally open it, deciding that a little bit of liquid courage could be in order. If I was going to a party I would do it right. I remember getting into the uber tipsy and showing up, and barreling into Makki’s arms when I saw him, laughing as he smiled. I remember that. I didn’t however remember how I got here.

A hand was in my hair as I hunched over the toilet, holding back the strands as I groaned again. I rested my head against the cold of the seat, dreading what would become of me in the morning. Hangovers sucked, my least favorite thing, and I would definitely be getting one tomorrow morning.

“Are you okay?” Mattsun’s voice was soft as he brushed more hair out of my face, watching my expression screw up in pain. He sighed and rubbed my back comfortingly, dropping onto the floor next to me. “How much have you drunk?”

“I don’t know.” I mumbled my answer and cracked my eyes open to see his blurry face looking at me. “A lot.”

“That was some reckless shit, y/n. You know you can’t drink that much.” I felt terrible. It was no wonder that they could hate me. I sniffled and closed my eyes again. Reckless shit… for what? In the name of being young? Living out my 20s like Tōru was doing? I was sure he wasn’t crying on the bathroom floor of a stranger’s house right now. Shit. Crying.

“I’m sorry ‘Sei.” I mumbled and he shushed me, rubbing my back some more. “I didn’t mean to, please don’t hate me. I just wanted to be fun.”

“Hey,” he cupped my face, lifting it slowly, carefully, “I don’t hate you. None of us do. We’re just worried.” He sighed and I opened my eyes to look at him again and he looked almost sad. “You don’t have to be drunk to come have fun with us.” He propped me up, once he realized that I was done, and helped me stand as he flushed the toilet. He turned on the sink for me. “Let’s get you cleaned up, I’ll take you home?”

“I miss you guys.” I admitted, flinching when my hands hit the cold water. “I think I’m not allowed to hang out with you all, maybe I’m sabotaging that way, by not reaching out.”

“You know that-”

“I think maybe I’m making you all hate me.” I sniffled and ignored how he opened his mouth to talk, address the tears on my face. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the night.” I hated this. It wasn’t even about Tōru anymore. This pain in my chest. It was feeling like he deserved to get all of our friends. That I couldn’t interact with them anymore.

Mattsun’s arms around me brought me back to the moment and I realized I had been sobbing. “Y/n, I think you really need to get out of the house.” If he didn’t hate me before then he must- “We don’t hate you, talk to us more. We don’t belong to him. We’re your friends too. You’re not getting rid of us that easily after so many years.”

a/n: no fun facts this time just... breaking up when you share friends makes you isolate from your friends some times.

#𓇻 Desiderium

[coldshrugs]

cw: death mentions

so. a few years ago now, my grandpa died on thanksgiving. it was after dinner at my mom's house (he lived with her during that last year). it was a really good dinner. all of the family was there and everyone got along for once. he seemed really pleased to be in the middle of it all.

about an hour after everyone left, he died.

last night i got a call from my sister that our other grandpa was at the hospital with critically low oxygen levels, and that he may not last the night. we both rushed there right away.

i will be honest, i've neglected seeing most of my family for the last four years. covid has given me a touch of agoraphobia, my neurologist worried this might lean into OCD. this fear coupled with some extreme burnout means i'm still struggling with "being normal" in the world and wrangling my instinct to isolate or check out completely.

anyway, i didn't exactly plan for my first time seeing my grandfather after such a long time to be like this. he had his humor and his interest, he was hungry and he wanted to go home. more than anything, he wanted a damn cigarette. but he was ashen, papery. he looked so tired (but maybe he was just that bored from sitting in the ER for hours).

his oxygen stabilized while i was at the hospital, though no one can say how long it'll last. he'll have some scans and then maybe go home today. maybe to die. who knows?

i don't speak to my dad (well, my sister's dad, but you know how weird families can get) or his wife, or the other kids besides my sister. so if i want to see my grandpa again, i have to endure people who make me uncomfortable, people who dislike "people like me" (black, queer), even though they "love" me.

it's thanksgiving week. i have so much to be thankful for, mostly the patience of my family, partner, and friends for dealing with me even if i try not to let folks see the full extent of how fragile i feel most days. but i just want this week to be over. to find out if lightning is going to strike twice.

all of this is to explain (without having to have the individual conversations) that if i'm a little bit withdrawn for the rest of the month, or year, here's why.

#azia stuff #death mention #gonna try to keep things light on the blog but depending on mood i may not be posting much #just don't want anyone to worry if that happens

[kichimiangra]

Life update and happy Halloween

So it's been a week of me completely self isolating so I figure it's about time I crawl out of the woodwork to vent about where I've been to make me feel better.

My sibs and I went to a Game con with my brother. Didn't really have fun. apparently it was the year of fucking tall shovey nerds who had no problem shoving my 5'3" ass around like a kick ball but who fucking cares. Immediately had company over for like 4 days after and whether it's good company or not company in general just drains my battery.

As soon as company left my brother threw out his back. It was so bad we almost called an ambulance. While he was down for the count my older sister had already had plans for a vacation to go to NYC Comic Con with her friend and would be gone all week, which left just me and my 90lb mother to handle all the chores of the farm for the week.

During this week my mom went through a bout of depression and insisted she needed more animals to fix it, as she does, so a few new friends were added to the farm family and I participated with my fam in the baton pass relay of walking a pony home 6 miles, and then company came of AGAIN to help out because we couldn't handle it all alone.

In fairness, as stressful as that time was I would do this all again for the next event to have never happened. One week ago from today my goat, my son, Muh Buhbee, Vincent Van Goat passed away...

I don't know how to explain this better... To some people he would be a pet... and to different people that word means different things. To me, Vinny was my son. I was handed this dying baby boy, rejected by his mother and left out in a field in the rain for 2 hours after his birth on a surprisingly chilly June day... The man of the house managed to get him to drink some pasteurized cows milk from his fridge, which he could not digest and immediately had violent diarrhea... He was two hours old... and I took him and held him and woke up every two hours to feed him and begged him to live. And he did. This was my son and all the feelings and attachment that goes with that title. Unfortunately he was a meat goat. A breed only bred to get fat and be slaughtered after a year, not bred and screened for potential health problems later down the line. The vet said that by the time he had shown symptoms it would have been too late and that he was in considerable pain and having minor seizures. The vet assisted him in passing away last Tuesday. I have been emotionally fucked ever since. And when I'm fucked I self isolate. I'm trying to be normal again. Trying to be okay. I'm tired of being sad. But I still am. Before the loss of Vinny some new friends came to live at the farm.

Frida is spicy. Lovey and great with humans. Unfortunately she is telling the other goats that she is the new boss with Vinny gone.

Lily isn't fighting her on that but Daisy is not having it. I think Frida is probably going to win the right to be the new barn boss though.

Despite being good with humans, Frida has completely rejected her own son, Rembrandt and won't let him hang out with the other goats. He has his own group now with the twins

Terra and Luna. Both are sweet girls but Luna is more sociable than Terra. I'm going to try and get back to being the usual freak I am, because self isolating longer than a week is probably not healthy for me. but I'm still sad. I'm still tired. And I still wake up and for a split second fel normal because for that moment I forget that I lost Muh Buhbee.

#This has been in the queue

[theweirdwideweb]

Well I've really scared the shit outta the people who care about me in the past 24 hours. Including me! I started EMDR therapy about two months ago, which is a special therapy for trauma where you process memories with the aid of eye movements. It sounds like bullshit, but I have never been effected by therapy this way. They told me to choose a less traumatic memory to start with and we have been working on it for three full sessions. The "less traumatic" memory I chose actually wound up being heavily connected to all these painful issues I'm grappling with recently: body dysmorphia, social isolation, social rejection, self image, self worth, fearing others, fearing myself. ALL this shit. And these eye movements are somehow unlocking these pent up bodily emotions to the point where I am feeling bad. On top of that June 28th was my 2 year alcohol sobriety milestone and 1 year nicotine milestone. This year I decided to quit smoking weed. I had become reliant on it again, as I have been for almost all of my adult life. So I'm dealing with all these intense bodily emotions connected to my very sense of identity---every fear and insecurity I have is just being rattled continuously. Then I quit smoking weed two weeks ago. At first it was fine. Yes, I was having big feelings but that's good actually! Yes! Working through that shit. But I begin to feel worse and worse. I am really going through something in my life right now. I cut ties with my only close friend, I'm essentially friendless if you only count people I see irl regularly. And it's also rattling alll these insecurities for me. I began to feel the situation was hopeless. The problem is too big, it's too late, it's not fixable---it's just who I am. I have a fear that there is something about me which I can't control which repels people. My looks, how I carry myself, my behavior---something makes me fundamentally weird, revolting, unlovable. Like people pity me or are afraid of me. Heavy shit, right? Recently I've had some violently depressive episodes. It's a kind of darkness I rarely experience. So last night I'm at the movies. I went by myself. I go to the movies by myself pretty often actually, at least once a week. Anyway so I'm at this movie and it's getting crowded in the theater. There's multiple groups of people sitting in every row --- except for my row. Not a single other person sat in my row. It was a prime row! This is just dinging every one of these deep dark fears once again. I'm looking at all these people with their friends and lovers sitting in the rows in front of me. The move starts and I could feel the empty seat next to me. It was like a cold, empty, bottomless void, and I could feel it inside myself too. It was purely an emotional state, not really any thoughts behind it, and I didn't have the specific thought that I wanted to kill myself, no plan no nothing like that, but I know that is how people feel before they commit suicide. I touched something dark. So this stupid Nicolas Cage movie is going and I'm sitting there trying to pretend I'm fine but inside my head I'm trying to figure out what to do. I figure---anything I have to do to stop feeling this way is acceptable. Fuck your sobriety. Do anything to stop this. It was thunderstorming as I left the theater and I parked way down the block and there's lighting everywhere. I'm walking in the rain with no umbrella and I'm so cold. I get in my car and turn up the heat and I'm saying to stuff to myself like, "Just go home. Just gooo home." I had to pass home on my way to the liquor store and I honestly didn't know which one I was going to until I pulled into my own parking lot. I was completely rattled all night. I told on myself to my sisters right away. This morning I spoke to them again and decided to cancel EMDR this week and start smoking weed as soon as possible. Called out of work. Went to my sister's house and got some weed from her. Went to therapy. We came up with a safety plan. I called out of work again tomorrow. My only job for the next few days is relax.

#tw suicide

[aceontheline]

CaliYork Fic (Pt 13)

ANGST INCOMING

In between taking care of Cali and attending future "Table Meetings", York felt a pit in his stomach. It felt familiar, yet confusing. He noticed that Massachusetts had taken a liking to Virginia, as he would always see the two flirting with each other and giggling. York felt... Jealous? Angry? He wasn't sure what he was feeling. Either way, he wanted to rid these feelings in his head by distracting himself. York decided to go for a walk for a little while, in order to immerse himself in pure isolation.

After about a half hour walk, he went back home and got a text from Cali. Cali said he needed more Ibuprofen because his fever was still there and he felt a bit achy. York got the pain medicine for him and brought some cold water & crackers. York laid in bed with Cali for a while, just until Cali fell asleep again. Then he got up out of bed and tried walking around the house. York ran into Florida and Louisiana who were enjoying their time together, so he just said a quick "Hello" and left them alone. The only one who was all alone was Gov... Of course he was. York sighed heavily, opening the door to Gov's office after a few knocks.

Gov was confused as to why York was just standing around in his office, touching almost everything in sight and trying to overanalyze the little things. Gov went up to York and touched his shoulder, asking if everything was alright.

"No. I can't figure out my own feelings. They're like a damn labyrinth of confusion" York replied, muttering angrily.

"Well, I can certainly try and help. What's going on?" Gov asked, prompting York to sit across from him. York sat down.

"I think... I think I might still be into Mass. I know how he treated me before we ended things, but I'm more so thinking about... Before all that. The good times, ya know? Like how he's treating Virginia now" York said, crossing his arms like normal.

"Well, do you think you're looking upon their potential relationship brewing and wondering why you couldn't have that all throughout? Or are you perhaps thinking you want a second chance to see if he's really changed?" Gov asked.

York was unsure of his answer. He just knew that either way, he didn't like what he was feeling, and he asserted that to Gov. Gov reassured York that he's a smart guy and that he would eventually figure it out. "But anytime you need me, I'll be here" Gov attested reassuringly, placing a hand on York's shoulder. Surprisingly, that seemed to be what York needed in that moment. Reassurance that someone would be there for him, no matter the circumstance. York thanked Gov and walked out of his office, and over to the West side. Halfway there, he ran into Texas. Texas simply smirked and tipped his hat to York, and York gave that head nod of respect.

York got to Cali's room and saw the Non-Binary flag he had still hanging on the wall where he put it. He went up to the flag and touched it with two fingers, seeming longing and contented. York instantly warped back to his own room, seeing Cali trying to get up to use the bathroom. York helped him up a bit and left Cali to do his business. York sat down on the edge of his bed and ran his rough, calloused hands over his face, trying to stop the thoughts from flooding in... When he saw Mass walking past his room. York cornered Mass and looked him right in the eyes. Yep... The same feelings arose once more. York's heart started skipping a beat and before he knew it, he was holding Mass' hand. Mass backed away and asked what York thought he was doing.

"I don't know! I'm sorry. We're JUST friends... Why am I being so weird?!" York yelled, sinking to the ground.

"You see me flirting with Virginia, probably. I don't know what's going on in your head. Maybe you're confused if you still hold feelings for me? Especially since I had that heart to heart with you not too long ago about wanting us to--"

Bam. Before they knew it, York's lips were connected with Mass'. York felt nothing, as did Mass. They separated from the kiss rather quickly and just stared at each other. York frantically apologized and felt his heart beat out of his chest. Mass put his hands on York's shoulders and looked at him in the eyes. Mass seemed to calm York down with just his gaze alone. York felt... Oddly safe in Mass' arms right now. The two stayed like that for a moment, but pulled away once they heard Cali call for York. "Not a word about this to Cali" York stated angrily. Mass nodded and shook on it with York. York ran back to his room in time to see Cali, laying down back in bed.

The two were cuddling all throughout the day, but the pit in York's stomach had grown and he couldn't get over these troubling feelings. His mind was racing with thoughts of "How could you do that?", "Why did you kiss Mass?" and "You betrayed Cali. Tell him, so he can abandon you". York waited for Cali to wake up.

Turns out, that didn't take too long. Cali woke up after about an hour's worth of a nap, and York waited to tell him.

"Cali... I did something horrible" York said, sadly.

"Oh no... Is everything okay?" Cali asked, looking at York with sad eyes to match. York swallowed loudly, his heart in his throat.

"I... I kissed Mass. I'm so sorry" York responded.

"Well. I'm not too happy about that, obviously. I want to hear your reasoning as to why" Cali said.

York was sweating profusely. He truly didn't know why he did what he did, and he made that clear when he was trying to explain himself. York summarized that he felt like crap for doing what he did, and that he thought he did it because... He was jealous of what Mass and Virginia clearly have now, and that he wanted a second chance. Cali clearly stated that York shouldn't be too concerned about Mass' new relationships. "I know, I know... But why couldn't I have that?" York asked under his breath, covering it in shock. Cali immediately got up out of bed and left the room. "Well, let me know when you figure things out" Cali said angrily, storming out.

York didn't go after him. Instead, he just stood there, speechless. His eyes welled up with tears. Mass saw him in this state, walking over to York.

"You tell him? I kinda figured you would. He seems pretty livid" Mass replied.

"That's a fuckin' understatement. I-I don't know what to-"

"Give him time" Mass interrupted York. "You need to give yourself time to think too. You need to understand that what we had is done. I moved on, and you need to figure out what's stopping you from doing the same" Mass replied, putting a hand on York's shoulder.

Mass walked away and went to Virginia's room. York thought for a moment and realized that he did have someone he could go to... Gov. He texted Gov, asking him if he was available right now. York anxiously awaited a response and got one within five minutes. "Sure. My door's open. Come on down, I'm wrapping up with Texas right now"

Crap. Texas would be there too. Well, who knows? Perhaps York could get some wisdom from him as well. Perspective, so to speak. York instantly warped to Gov's room and saw the two shaking hands.

"Wait. Texas, could you stay? I want to talk to both of you" York asked.

"Well, sure. What's up?" Texas asked.

York inhaled and exhaled deeply, stating it was about him and Cali's relationship. The two were interested. All attention went to York.

Prev ( Here ) ; Next ( Here )

Masterpost ( Here )

#wttt #welcome to the table #wttt fanfic #caliyork #wttt california #wttt new york #wttt massachusetts

[bomberqueen17]

tired

so I went in to work briefly on Monday, and with the manager’s approval, brought home a VCR and the little digitizing machine, and several boxes of VHS tapes that were waiting for me to get to them this week. So i’m running VHS transfer orders, which ties me to the kitchen table. But that’s fine because I also am doing all the cooking and all the dishes and all the cleaning-- the kitchen had not been cleaned in the week during which I was away either, so there’s a lot-- and so I’ve been tied to the kitchen all day anyway.

I also did a huge grocery shopping trip, since I tested negative for COVID again but who knows if that’ll last, and there’s fucking nothing in the house. Like I picked up a few things at the farm but all the staples I rely on, we’ve run low on stock and Dude does all the grocery shopping and is fucking allergic to the concept of stocking up. He will buy whatever is on the list, but he won’t like, use the last jar of pasta sauce, think to himself “we use this in unplanned meals all the time and it’s shelf-stable, I should get more”. No, it’s when it’s fallen to me to save the day by coming up with a meal when we’ve got nothing planned, and I’m like I know, spaghetti, and he’s like oh I used up the sauce and we have no more.

BUY MORE

anyway. I did make a list of Always Check If We Have This And If Not, Buy It a while ago, and he’s good about that, but there always wind up being things like.... spaghetti... blease why don’t we have any spaghetti in this house a box is shelf-stable for like ten years just buy more of it if you don’t know if we have any.

Anyhow. I went to two different grocery stores and dropped three figures at each one, which didn’t feel great, but now we Have Shit, so if i get sick too and we can’t leave the house, we can have food.

(Do we have local friends who could shop for us? You’d think so, but Dude never speaks to any of his family, not for any reason, but he doesn’t, so there’s nobody we’re on the kind of terms of “hey we both have COVID, can you run to Wegmans and get these five things for us?” Nope! Sigh.)

So, anyway, I’ve done about two hours’ worth of shopping, two hours’ worth of dishes and cleaning, an hour of laundry, and six hours’ worth of video transfers.

And I cooked three meals. And the last one looked like this:

Someone said “breakfast for dinner” and I was seized by a Sudden Mighty Need for waffles, so I made waffles and breakfast sausage, and topped it with whipped cream from a can and some fresh strawberries and some frozen blueberries because i deserve that.

But the thing that’s really getting to me is that I’m lonely.

I got Dude isolated in the spare bedroom, which has a back door that goes out onto the sunporch out back, which acts as our summertime living room. So he’s there, it’s comfortable, he has a bed, a desk, a couch, and a table, it’s right next to the bathroom so he doesn’t have to walk past me, and he’s fully 100% isolated from the kitchen so I can do all that work in there without needing to wear a mask.

But it means I can’t see him or hear him. And it means I can’t talk to him. We did a video chat at one point, but his throat is so sore he can’t really speak. And mostly when we hang out, we hang out quietly, just next to each other on the couch, and he’ll show me videos and things, and I’ll read him things I find that are funny. It’s hard to do that over video chat.

Last week was my week away from him. Next week will be my week away from him. This week, it sucks to have him locked away in a different room and we can’t see or hear each other. It’s a lot! And I hate it. And I’m getting annoyed and tired, always doing the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping, and just carrying him a tray of food and getting back a tray of dishes left on the hallway floor. it gets old. It’s sad. and I’m just.

Well I’m tired.

But I don’t have the plague so I guess I’ll take it. :/

#covid-19 #current life #about the author #that quarantine lyfe

[vegtable-bucket]

This is a very long and self indulgent vent post. Feel free to disregard and tw for sucidial ideation. I am currently seeking help but I needed to vent.

So 2023 I think is the official worst year of my life. I thought as the years went on life would like.... get easier??? But no lmao it somehow gets progressively harder and I feel like I am completely drowning and suffering at every turn. I will essentially plan a little treat for myself and that treat will then turn into like a comical death trap of some sort. I feel like whoever is controlling my sim is trying to torture me.

I'm just going to list the terrible things that I've had to deal with since I have what 5 months left of this year to claw my way through?

My cat was diagnosed with cancer. That cancer spread so rapidly in the span of one week, I got her diagnosis on her last day on earth.

Prior to this, she was puking 3 times a day and so I was cleaning up puke and sobbing over her for a month striaght

Vet bills

The doctor who did the biopsy of my cats cancer didn't relay how severe her cancer was causing me to have to spend 5 hours in the the ER. I was separated from my cat during those 5 hours. My phone was on 1%. Ready player one was my only entertainment. Many dogs got checked before my blood puking cancer ridden cat. The person at the front desk said "we only treat several emergencies first." Meaning vomiting blood isn't urget............. wild.

Obviously I had to put my cat down. She was 7 years old. I miss Pirate everyday. I used to call her an angel from outerspace, now she's really sailing around up there.

I had to do this without my husband present because he was at.... his grandma's funeral in England. I couldn't go because I was taking care of our dying cat. I find this to be an especially twisted fate since he left right before I had a psychotic break due to all the stress

I got covid. And I got it like a month ago in the middle of the summer. This ate away at my travel time making it so I couldn't see one of my friends in portland.

I got exposed to covid over the weekend and if I get sick again my job will take my remaining 3 days off. This is my last year in America and if those days are taken from me I won't be able to see my family for the holidays

I dont get to leave this hell country this year after excitedly telling everyone I was out of here. Embaressing.

Every single trip I have planned this year has been a complete disaster

I either didn't get to see the friend I planned to see, or my time with that friend was limited to reasons outside of either of our control leaving me to feel completely isolated, lonely and like nobody's priority or important friend (even though that's irrational)

I've had an issue with almost every single flight I've taken this year. Will it be delayed or canceled making me have to take the flight that makes it so arrive home at 4am? The answer is always yes!

My job had revealed itself to be a toxic work enviornement before but it continues to worsen.

My job makes me want to kill myself, like actively. I've had the worst suicidal ideation of life since I was 13 and having to visit my abusive and neglectful father

Somehow, at 27, all of my trauma seems to be bubbling up in the worst possible way and nobody in my support system is close to me right now/alive.

Guess what? In an ironic twist of fate applying to jobs also makes me want to kill myself and I find to be a dramatic waste of time.

My husband and I set up trips around this time of year which made it so when his grandmother died, he will have seen me once in the span of 4 weeks. Meaning the only person who I can mourn the loss of my cat with is gone. I will be coming home to an empty house when I return tomorrow and my depression is not making it easy to take care of myself

Living in America has never seemed more dystopian. My rights are simply withering away while inflation stacks up. It's been an expensive year by itself but the recession isn't helping

I feel completely lost on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be financially stable (as I am lucky enough to be now) but I'm unsure of my future in england. I don't know if I really should pursue my masters because I feel my entire body aching to do something I enjoy and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to work in a field that improves people's lives and doesn't make me want to kill myself

I will never be mentally emotionally or financially stable enough to have kids. Having them seems terrifying to me. I cry for my younger self imagining her life and how unfair the world was to her, and wondering why I was born if not to suffer

I can barely focus on anything in my life anymore. I feel like my attention span has stopped working and I can only do a task for 15 minutes before feeling exhausted

Crippling weed dependency

I can't remember the last time I felt geniunely happy. If I spend anytime not listening to something or distracting myself my brain is essentially torturing and harassing me and telling me the many ways in which I should kill myself

I cannot afford a grippy sock vacation to make me not kill myself. I feel like I'd want to be there for a whole month and that's probably like 800k and would mean losong my job lmao

Having to wait for life to improve slowly on its own is agonizing to me as I really just want to leave America as quickly as I can to get away from it all. And then I remember all the things and people and places I will miss and I get this unearthly ache of sadness.

I'm also not blind and know terf island (england) is also doing remarkably terrible and I will be moving to a very xenophobic country far away from the familiar.

Everything that happens on the news now makes me fully believe I'm living in a dark comedy about a species that is run by a group of people so greedy that they are racing to extinction

*gestures widely at the state of everything*

I visited my dad's side of the family without nick (husband) present and not only did they bully and antagonize me the entire time, but they also said the most off the wall insanely racist shit I've ever heard in my life. So vile i was physcially ill after interacting with them. But I have to keep up appearances for my future wedding.

I want to cut them out of my life so fucking bad it's unreal. My mom is begging and pleading with me to not do it but being around such vile people makes me physically ill.

This things I used to love now feel distant and boring to me now. I feel like it's so hard to laugh at anything anymore

The real kicker for this is I always pack period items just in case, and I didn't for once and now I am dealing with painful cramps at 3am away from ibprofin and like all of civilization

Okay that's it. I hope none of you read this it's incredibly self indulgent and pitying. I feel as though I've never been allowed to be sad and it's all bubbling up this year and suffocating me. And then people keep telling me to not kill myself which makes me feel guilty for wanting to end it all in the first place. I've always hated asking for help, I hate people feeling sorry for me, I hate struggling. I've never even attempted because im too chickenshit.

Can't wait to share this post in therapy. Which I won't be able to afford for awhile.

I miss feeling joy.

#tw sui ideation #tw sui vent

[little-witchys-garden]

Escaping my abuser

Tw: abuse

This person was vicious, ferally cruel, abusive in everyway and extremely manipulative.

I became friends with my abuser over a year ago, a mutual friend " abandoned" them and made them walk home in an ice storm and I felt bad and making the mistake of letting them into my house.. That's how our " friendship" started and it was just downhill from there..

Soon my abuser began showing me " group chats on discord" and other apps I didn't have of our mutual friend saying horrible things about me, of my mutual's friends saying horrible things about me very personal things that I was extremely insecure about. The mutual friend had been pulling away from me and I believed these texts since I trusted abuser and they had " so much evidence".

My abuser began telling me horrible things about our mutual friend mostly stuff about " things the mutual told her" which would leave me crying a lot. They'd only do it face to face though never over text now I realize it was because they wanted no evidence maybe that should have been my first clue it was all a lie..

My abuser would cry and sob how our mutual was only using their body, how they felt so violated and unsafe around the mutual then how they noticed the mutual looking at me, flirting with me and how they were deeply worried for me and my safety. They used my trauma from SA making me think I hadn't noticed any of it, making me scared of mutual and their manipulation worked....

They'd give me endless sob stories of their life leaving me crying, comforting them and letting them stay in my home but looking back all of those stories were most likely a lie since the time/dates of all those horrible events never lined up or would change, how everyone in their life who left them was either an abuser or a r-pist.. I feel it was all a lie for my sympathy and making manipulation easier..

They would sniffle about not having money or being hungry manipulating me and my family into buying them things, very expensive things.. They'd only take expensive things..

I was soon isolating myself from my friends, my followers, my family, I even stopped doing things I liked because if I wasn't at their call they'd make me feel horrible, like I was a bad person, a bad friend and abandoning/abusing them.

If I ever dared disagree with my abuser, they'd verbally and emotionally abused me for hours while using my mental health against me repeatedly asking if was having a tantrum { cause my autism }, if I was having a mental break down, if I was in a manic state and how I was " abusing and gas-lighting" for simply disagreeing or saying no. They'd send all my text messages to their other friends telling their friends that I was having a mental crisis, say I was abusing them and how I was bring unreasonable and I'd get random texts from strangers shaming me and telling me I need to

" handle my mental health instead of abusing abuser"

Again this would be all over me politely disagreeing with them or just simply saying NO and they'd escalate it until I told them I loved them and apologized for speaking in the first place...

I was questioning myself at every turn and my mental health was going down the drain.. they made me constantly feel stupid, that nobody would care for my thoughts and like I couldn't trust myself.

Our mutual " friend" wasn't that well for me either and made my self esteem go down but abuser kept making it worse, kept pushing me to cut her off, isolating me more and filling my ears and mind with horrible things that made me resent mutual, I wanted to confront mutual on everything and know if it was all true.

my abuser I think realized if I did that their lies and plan would fall apart so they burst into tears and told me that they wouldn't feel safe if I confronted mutual with everything they told me and showed me, they encouraged me in silently distancing myself for "their safety "and through tears I agreed. I thought about asking mutual's partner about it all since he was a pretty honest guy and I figured he'd know counting he was bad at lying so if know if he was lying yet again abuser saw this and turned on the tears and manipulation. Sniffling how mutual's partner best friends with one of their many r-pists, how unsafe they felt, how what if mutual's partner got mad and hurt them or got aggressive and pressured me into not asking the partner. Once me and mutual broke it off civally just like abuser wanted that's when abuser showed their true colors, They told mutual everything they said was what I said, they showed texts that I share with them on my feelings over the thing's they had told me, they showed texts that I never sent { fakes } and sent me hateful text standing up for mutual for sharing with mutual making themself look innocent.

Mutual had way more money then me, more money then my family and I think that was what abuser was after at the core of it all or maybe it was obsession.. But here's what I know for a fact and what abuser let slip.

They were just using me in making the mutual jealous and isolating the mutual since they didn't want us being close. Using my for a free place, using me for my money, using the kindness of my family, and over all just using me as a puppet, I was a puppet in their strange obsession with mutual or for mutual's money. It was like the fog was lifted and I saw everything for what it truly really was.

I was happy when the " friendship" ended since I saw abuser for who they truly were and didn't want that in my life. but abuser couldn't let that stand though and contacted me on different accounts harassing me and making me feel unsafe until I made it clear NEVER contact me again or I'd call the cops.

There's where everything is at for now..

Art by 何かあればTwitter→#多分なかよしで呟いてください。何かするかもしれません

#abuse #abuse cw #abuse mention #abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #recovery #toxic behavior #toxic relationship #toxic people

[peterspaperplane]

We Saw Elephants

September 16, 2022.

Before I began to write this piece (which contains stories from accurately two months and a week ago) I googled “Elephant can Remember” and got a lot of review for Agatha Christie’s work. My memory confused that for “An Elephant Never Forgets”.

When I googled with the right keywords, this is what I found:

“By using experiences that are stored in its brain as memories, an elephant is able to handle many dangerous situations that might appear in future. For instance, if they survived a drought in childhood, then they would be able to sense the danger of drought in a particular area (basically making a mental connection with the childhood memory ingrained in its brain).”

I haven’t read Madame Christie’s “Elephant can Remember”, though I always wanted to (I remembered Nemesis was a really great company of mine during my isolation time in Nusa Tenggara Timur). I haven’t actually seen elephants (though I might, when I was so much smaller, in some zoos), though I always wanted to.

That one particular Thursday, I got a message from sis:

Dad is coming this weekend. You better stay home, ok?

I didn’t reply. I stared on my phone screen for a while, and been thinking for the rest of the day. At home, we didn’t really have chance to talk because we were too busy—I was busy planning things with my new social life, my sis is always busy with her little family and work.

In time like this, my head would always, always turn to Uncu (derived from Minangnese of ‘uncle’—he has 11 nieces and nephews in total, and about to have one more). Uncu (a.k.a. Ridho a.k.a Dori) is that type of friend who would definitely say yes even if you asked him to go to Antarctic within only 5 minutes before departure. He lives his best life everyday, now that is the good thing.

The bad thing is, we both sometimes are impulsive. I texted him:

I don’t wanna be in the city this weekend. U wanna go somewhere?

Dori, being himself, replied within only minute:

Sure! Where?

Indeed, that too is my question. Where? We—Dori and I—had been to places: Pantai Laguna Kaur (8 hours from the city), Pantai Manna (4 hours away, en route to Kaur), Curup (only 2 hours riding). That would be another-time stories.

So, where? This should be a great escape—but Uncu’s supposed to not know this. This should be just a casual weekend adventure for him. I texted him back:

What about seeing elephant?

Dori is a fruitful storyteller, hence if he once went there, I should have known. But I didn’t. Dori replied back:

Ok.

If there is one thing about Dubas that I am forever grateful for, it is no other than the fact that I found people that I would treasure the most, including Uncu—I mean, Dori. Or whatever.

_________________

I think I did write that I have been staying away from home for months now. Not only because our home preserves a lot of memories about Mum, but more because of the reason that I found out Dad was finding some other women—but that’s unnecessary.

I saw no reasons to explain it to him, or to anyone, so I decided to leave. I decided to stop talking to him. When my sister told me that we should get this problem solved and Dad is about to come in town, my nature told me to run. So I did.

I remember, when I was younger and more sensitive, Mum would sometimes get mad and yell at me. I hid. Everybody was trying to search for me, as though I was really gone. At that time, I like the feeling of being found. I somehow enjoyed the fear in my Mum’s voice as she was looking for me in corners of the house—terrible, I know—while I was curling up right in the left nook of the house.

As I grew up, I came to know that I no longer want to be found. When my instinct tells me run, what I wanted to was actually get lost. I keep pretending that the problems do not exist, so I could live just finely. I keep on avoiding people who hurt me, instead of confronting them and tell what I actually feel.

I have read and heard things about overcoming this-and-that-part-of-life-and-so-on wisely but never get better at doing it in real life. Nobody does, anyway. 2022, as I recall, was not only the year of grief, but also the year of escape. I have been escaping from what I should have faced in the first place. Sometimes, the sense of satisfaction by doing this scared me.

Seblat, the site where we could see elephants live in their habitat is about 6 hours away.

We went on Friday afternoon, after my office hours ended. Uncu was happily jobless at that time (now he’s a busy man, huft). We arrived at Ketahun in the drizzly night, nearby Oma’s house. But Oma also should not know this escape. So, we booked a cheap motel room for one night and intended to leave in the next morning—which we did.

It took another 2 hours to get to Putri Hijau, and another half an hour into the deeper forest, relied onto only Google Maps. After a long ride with feeling of afraid that we might have taken the wrong path, we finally, awkwardly, arrived.

There was no ticketing in the gate, though there were some welcoming statues. There were some (we believe) animal-coaches looking after the elephant as they chewed their lunch, though they were not really welcoming us as we thought they should have. We were just suddenly being really shy and somehow embarrassed.

I remembered, we stared on each other and asked “Is it the right place?” through our eyes, even that we knew the answer was most probably “Yes, this is the place.”

I think it’s really true that elephants have the most sincere eyes. I saw it. We saw elephants.

But none of us was brave enough to ask any of the old men there to guide us or, just to let us touch the elephant. But it was too beautiful to hurt. Even though they are gigantic, I felt somehow that my hands could hurt them. They looked so powerful, and yet vulnerable. They look so big, and yet warm. They look so textured, and yet so pale. They contained so many paradoxes.

Uncu and I observed the elephants from our motorcycle for the next thirty minutes, until their coaches herded them to go down on the stream. Uncu took a video while they were showering in the water (I should ask him for this). That was the end of our meeting with those elephants.

I don’t know about Uncu, but I did not regret this. Well, that statement is partially because I got away from home, partially because I really did so. I wanted to go there again one day.

______________

As I continued my research on elephants’ memories, I found out that they are not the most superior type. Clark's nutcracker birds able to hide their food in differently-complex and secretive places for the winter. However, I’m pretty sure that the proverb wouldn’t change to “Clark's nutcracker bird never forgets” easily. All in all, it’s still elephants that steal my heart. And after that particular journey I had with Uncu, I might never think elephants as just animals now. They helped me in a hurtfully beautiful phase of my life.

As for Uncu, he told me that the journey was absurdly, stupidly fun. I’m happy that he thinks so.

“Rest assured that forgetting is an essential part of life…”

[defyalllogic]

Am I the Asshole for exorcising the ghost my wife told me was in our house even though I told her I didn't believe he was real?

In my hometown, the belief in hauntings was widespread. While some of these tales may hold a grain of truth, others were likely fueled by bandwagon mentality and the thrill of fear in an otherwise monotonous town. As a child, the eerie atmosphere of my hometown's quiet streets sent shivers down my spine. T. The towering presence of old houses and abandoned buildings cast elongated shadows stretching into infinity. The treeline at the town's edge loomed, its tangled branches and jagged leaves giving off an ominous aura. I couldn't shake the feeling that unseen eyes were watching my every move. Although my parents insisted it was mere imagination, I couldn't shake the belief that a dark presence lingered beyond my vision. A sense of unease saturated the air, causing my skin to crawl as if plagued by a horde of tiny spiders. Whispers of spectral encounters and eerie legends circulated among the townspeople, some carrying an unsettling glimmer of authenticity. The trill of my ringtone jolted me from my work. Seeing my dad's name, I quickly answered. "Your old man's ready to retire," he announced in his gravelly voice. "I'd like you to take over the business. If you're willing." I nearly dropped the phone in surprise. Returning home to continue the family legacy was an opportunity I'd dreamed of but never expected so soon. Years had passed since I left for college, yet the magnetic pull of my hometown drew me back, fueled by a potent mix of nostalgia and duty. It was my chance to forge a life I could be proud of in a place with many memories. I shared the news with Julie that night as we cleaned up after dinner. "We could move back to my hometown," I said. "You could finally start that interior design firm you've always wanted." Julie paused, a plate still in her hands. "Leave the city?" Life in the city had its initial excitement, but as time passed, Julie and I felt trapped and isolated in our cramped apartment. We longed for a yard and a sense of community, and the corporate office where I toiled away for long hours was slowly draining my spirit. I took the dish from her and set it down. Turning her to face me, I searched her eyes. "I know it's a big change. But we could build a life there together. Focus on us and what's really important to us." Julie glanced around our cramped apartment piled high with fabric swatches and paint samples. The corners of her mouth turned up. She had reservations about leaving the city where she had built her successful business. I reassured her that her talents would be sought after in an area lacking modern design services. I had faith in her ability to make it work. "As long as I'm with you, I'm home," she said. Her embrace was answer enough. We stayed up late discussing possibilities, excitedly planning for the future. Returning to my hometown wasn't just an opportunity but a new beginning. A chance to rediscover ourselves in a place filled with memories. Together, we would start the next chapter. Our story began six years ago, back in college, at a lively party on campus. I spotted Julie amidst the bustling crowd in the frat house, laughing and surrounded by her friends. Something about the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled captivated me instantly. We hit it off immediately, and we've been inseparable since then. I knew deep down that she was the one for me. After graduation, we married and settled in the city, where Julie built her interior design business. Her talent for envisioning the potential of spaces and breathing new life into dull environments was genuinely remarkable. Her passion and creativity drew me to her in the first place, and I couldn't be prouder of her. The drive back to my hometown seemed longer than I remembered. As we entered the town limits, a flood of memories rushed over me, filling my mind with nostalgia. The streets, once vibrant with children's laughter and the hum of daily life, now seemed hushed, as if they held their breath in anticipation of our return. Weathered by time, the old buildings stood as silent witnesses, their aged facades hinting at the stories of bygone eras. Julie peacefully dozed off in the passenger seat beside me, her head gently resting against the window. As I gazed at her serene, sleeping face, a wave of love washed over me, reminding me how fortunate I was to have her by my side, willing to embark on this new chapter with me. In the heart of our cozy town, we uncovered our new haven, a place brimming with potential. Unlike the cramped city dwellings, this house allowed Julie to unleash her creative talents. A designated corner eagerly awaited her skilled hands to breathe new life into furniture while stacks of supplies stood ready to be transformed into artistic marvels. It represented a refreshing departure from urban life's chaotic hustle and bustle. Despite our remote location, the power of time and the boundless internet bridged the gap between our small town and the wider world. This connection opened doors in our family business for Julie and me. With a few clicks and keystrokes, she could connect with clients, showcase her portfolio, and infuse her unique touch into interior design. As we settled into our new home, excitement and nervousness filled the air. The walls stood as witnesses, bearing the weight of our dreams and ambitions. Their aged surfaces seemed to whisper promises of fresh starts, inviting us to embrace the unknown. The possibilities stretched out before us like an open canvas, ready to be painted with the strokes of our determination. It was an opportunity to carve out our place in a town that had shaped us, a testament to the resilience and adaptability of small-town dreams. However, amid the thrill of new beginnings, an unsettling presence lingered. It wasn't just a figment of my childhood imagination resurfacing; it was something tangible, an unease that seeped into every nook and cranny of our new home. The house, weathered by time, groaned and creaked with each gust of wind as if the walls were exhaling a heavy sigh. Days blended into weeks, and Julie and I immersed ourselves in our respective pursuits. She wholeheartedly dove into her work, surrounded by paint swatches and fabric samples, her creative energy filling every corner of the room. Meanwhile, I devoted my time to the family business, shouldering the weight of responsibility. The demands of my job pulled me in different directions, leaving me with little time to spare for the most important person in my life. I was conscious of my shortcomings as a husband, noticing the subtle signs of neglect that had crept into our relationship. I stepped through the front door each evening to find Julie sitting motionless at the table. Her eyes remained fixed on her sketches rather than greeting me. The air hung heavy with silence. The scent of fresh paint and sawdust lingered in the air, evidence of the ongoing renovations that had consumed our lives. Renovations I had convinced myself would bring fulfillment to Julie's life when I fell short. I brewed a pot of coffee and sat across from her. "How was your day?" I asked gently. "Fine," she murmured without looking up. My enthusiasm sounded hollow, even to my own ears. Julie's half-hearted responses revealed her unhappiness. I had hoped this move would bring us closer, yet somehow, I felt her slipping away. After dinner, I retreated to my home office while Julie cleaned the kitchen alone. I stared blankly at budgets rather than joining her. The ever-growing to-do list provided a convenient excuse for my absence. I promised myself I'd address these concerns, but the ever-growing to-do list and the relentless pace of life kept pushing it further down the line, leaving it as an unfulfilled pledge, waiting to be honored. I listened to Julie's measured breathing next to me at night, knowing sleep evaded her. I longed to bridge the divide that had grown between us, but my best intentions remained unfulfilled, promises whispered into the darkness. I noticed Julie withdrawing further into herself, the light in her eyes dimming more each day. She moved through our home like a ghost, her vibrant spirit fading. I heard the truth in her silence - that the life I had brought her to was slowly crushing her. And I had no one to blame but myself. The heaviness in the air was palpable whenever I entered a room. Our once happy chatter had been replaced by the faint creak of floorboards and the scratch of my pen. The walls of this house were suffocating us. I had persuaded Julie to come here, yet I couldn't give her the one thing she needed - companionship. My wife, ever determined, sat at a makeshift desk amidst a jumble of fabric swatches, paint samples, and design magazines. Her once hopeful eyes would momentarily brighten upon my arrival, a spark of joy amidst her weariness. The toll of this endeavor was apparent in the lines etched on her face, a weariness that I couldn't ignore. I sunk into the worn-out cushions of the living room, and the weight of Julie's exhaustion hung heavily in the air. Her voice trembled with fatigue and vulnerability as she exhaled, her words filled with resignation. "I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this," she confessed, her gaze fixed on a distant point beyond the window. "Spending every day alone in this house has been so hard." A surge of guilt coursed through me like an electric shock, snapping me out of my self-absorbed state. The realization hit me like a heavy blow, making me comprehend that I had become so consumed by my own responsibilities and work that I didn't grasp the depth of Julie's isolation and the scale of her struggles. "I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice filled with sincerity and remorse. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Julie paused, her eyes uncertain, before sharing an unexpected truth. "You know, it's not completely lonely," she whispered softly, barely audible. "There's a ghost in the house. He goes by the name of Adam." Initially, I couldn't help but chuckle, assuming it was a playful joke to lighten the mood. However, my skepticism gradually faded as Julie shared her encounters with this otherworldly presence. The hope and joy that danced in her eyes as she spoke were undeniable, a glimpse of a spark that had been absent from her for weeks. And so, I embraced her story. "How did you find out his name?" I asked, my curiosity piqued as I tried to suppress a smile. "I asked him," she replied, rolling her eyes at my incredulous expression as if I were the one being ridiculous. "He just introduced himself?" I glanced around the room, half-expecting a response from the empty air. "Hey, Adam. Thanks for keeping my wife company. I'll take it from here." I pulled her close and kissed her with a playful smile, silently conveying my understanding and support. I was about to suggest that we head upstairs to let the night wash away our worries when breaking glass resounded from the other side of the house. Julie playfully nudged me away, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "I guess he doesn't appreciate being dismissed. He's quite the cowboy," she quipped, her voice filled with amusement and affection. Awkwardly, I smiled and chuckled, unsettled by the absurdity of everything yet ready to reaffirm my commitment to the woman I loved. I wanted to ensure she knew she was loved and secure in our home. Despite my doubts and skepticism, I decided to support my wife in her connection with the ghost that had taken up residence in our home. The idea of her feeling frightened or lonely in our new house deeply unsettled me. However, when I gathered the courage to suggest removing the ghost, she became visibly upset. Her voice trembled with emotion as she pleaded with me not to proceed. In her tearful plea, she insisted that Adam, the ghost, understood her like no one else, offering solace during her otherwise solitary days. While the idea of ghosts seemed implausible, I couldn't ignore the genuine glow illuminating her face as she spoke of their conversations or how her body eased in Adam's company. Conflicting emotions swirled inside me, caught between reason and the urge to safeguard her newfound joy. "He's the only one who listens to me," she sobbed, tears welling in her eyes. "He's the only one who understands." At that moment, I had to face the undeniable truth. The way her eyes sparkled and the passion that filled her voice when she spoke of our spectral visitor, it was clear that Adam held a special place in her heart. The idea of tearing him away from her, leaving her alone in this unfamiliar place once again, was a burden I couldn't bear. "The only one?" I asked, hurt by her words and the possibility of their truth in her eyes. Did I not listen or understand her? She smiled sweetly. "Well, the only one here to listen most of the time." I nodded in understanding. With a heavy heart and a feeling of acceptance, I made peace with Adam's presence in our home, knowing we would be sharing it with a ghost. Little did I realize that this choice was just the start of a profound sequence of events, an unfolding chain reaction that would forever reshape our lives. In the following days, I struggled to dismiss the idea that my wife, Julie, spent her time conversing with a ghost. I convinced myself it was a product of her imagination, a way to cope. However, no matter how much I tried to push it away, feelings of envy and frustration took hold, growing into a persistent ache. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions, unable to understand why Julie chose a ghost over her living partner. Yet, deep down, I recognized Adam's significance in her life, the comfort and companionship he seemed to provide. Reluctantly, I decided to let him stay, allowing this ghost to coexist with us. I even attempted to befriend him, treating him like an elusive roommate. Gradually, I sensed Adam's presence around us, like a fleeting breeze that stirred the air, his intangible essence lingering in the corners of our home. And with each passing day, I couldn't help but notice the comfort and contentment that emanated from Julie when he was near. The situation was perplexing, stirring up a mix of emotions within me. On the one hand, seeing Julie genuinely happy brought relief, knowing that she had discovered a source of comfort in this unusual bond. However, unease settled in, a silent concern deep within my heart. I couldn't help but question what this meant for our marriage and my role in her life. One afternoon, as Julie set out to run errands, I summoned the courage to confront Adam. I entered the living room, where his ghostly presence seemed most potent, and addressed the empty air with determination and vulnerability. "Listen, Adam," I began, my voice filled with authority and understanding. "I recognize the bond you share with Julie and appreciate the comfort you bring her. However, there are moments when it seems like you're pulling her away from me. But you're a ghost, and I'm her husband. I value the added perspective and insights you offer – because of you, she opened up about feeling alone. I now understand that I haven't been as available to her as I should have been. But I want to be the one she confides in and spends time with. You understand that, right? Julie is my wife." Naturally, there was no response, only a haunting silence that permeated the empty room as if mocking my attempt to communicate with a ghost. I couldn't help but bristle with a sense of foolishness, speaking into thin air, expecting a reply from a spectral being. Yet, beneath the surface, a growing annoyance and frustration simmered within me. How dare this ghost think it was too superior to acknowledge me? With a sigh, I shook my head, disbelief and irritation coursing through my veins. This situation had tested the limits of reason and patience. But even in the face of such absurdity, my determination to regain Julie's attention and reconnect with her on a deeper level remained unwavering. As the days passed, Julie's attachment to Adam grew, consuming more and more of her time and attention. I silently watched, growing frustrated, as she dedicated increasing energy to conversing with him. Her laughter echoed like a secret melody; their shared dreams whispered into the air. Each day, a sense of alienation took hold within the confines of our home. However, one night, a shift in the air signaled an unexpected turn of events. After a day spent decorating and organizing, Julie retired to bed earlier than usual. Meanwhile, I remained awake, engrossed in a book, attempting to drown out the symphony of creaks and groans that filled our aging house. Suddenly, a bone-chilling coldness coursed through me, cutting through the layers of my being. It wasn't a mere draft-induced shiver but something more profound and primal. Raising my eyes from the pages, I saw Adam standing in the doorway, his gaze fixed upon me. I froze, my mind unable to comprehend the impossible figure before me. Adam wasn't a frail, translucent specter. Instead, he stood before me as a rugged, handsome cowboy in his prime, radiating a raw magnetism. His muscular build and rugged good looks spoke of a life spent toiling under the sun. He emitted a natural, commanding energy that seemed to electrify the air. My throat went dry, and my heartbeat deafened me. I opened my mouth to cry out, but only a strangled gasp escaped. This couldn't be real. Had my mind finally snapped under the strain of jealousy? But every detail - from the creases on his weathered hands to the faded blue of his denim shirt - spoke to his undeniable, tangible presence. Adam's piercing eyes locked onto mine with an intensity that shook me. An onslaught of questions flooded my mind, threatening to rupture the fragile dam separating reality from madness. How could he manifest so solidly? What did he want? And why now, after all this time, beyond the veil? The room appeared to tilt and spin around me. I dug my fingers into the arms of the chair, clinging to it like an anchor in a storm-tossed sea. My knuckles turned white, yet I barely registered the pain consumed by the maelstrom of shock and disbelief swirling within me. After what felt like an eternity, Adam offered a cryptic smile before evaporating into the ceiling, leaving behind a deafening silence. I stared at the space he had occupied, half-expecting him to reappear. The encounter had unfolded in mere moments, leaving me reeling, casting uncertainty into everything I thought I knew. "What the fuck was that?" I muttered under my breath, the words escaping on an unsteady breath. Deep down, a part of me resisted accepting the truth that threatened to unravel my understanding of the world. Julie's voice floated down from the upper floors as I tried to process the inexplicable encounter. Whispers that carried the weight of secrets and intimacy. Intrigued and filled with curiosity and trepidation, I tiptoed up the stairs, my heart pounding. Cautiously, I peered into our bedroom, where Julie sat on the edge of the bed, her gaze fixed on the corner where Adam had vanished. Unable to contain my curiosity, I gathered my courage and entered the room. "Are you alright?" I asked, my voice a mix of concern and annoyance. Julie turned to face me, her eyes shimmering with an unusual glow, reflecting a connection that transcended the realm of the living. "Adam was sharing a story with me," she replied, her voice tinged with excitement and a touch of longing. I couldn't help but notice how she bit her bottom lip, a subtle gesture that usually accompanied the steamy parts of her beloved romance novels. A pang of jealousy shot through me, threatening to unravel the understanding I had tried to maintain. However, as I observed Julie, I saw the joy and comfort radiating from her. Read the full article

[necromoonstar]

I feel like giving an update if anyone is worried about me because I was posting hours ago

Turns out the new bar behind my home decided to throw a dubstep / techno / I don’t know the music but it was very just RUBH BRUBH in rhythm types sounds for hours. During their advertised closed hours (while being open).

I got a lot worse than my last post stated and I did everything I could to just hang out in the safest part of the house distracting myself which was really hard when I was so nauseous even trying to watch videos felt like I had motion sickness in a car; which is weird for me since I don’t think I even get that.

I waited a few hours until after I thought it finally stopped before trying to go back to bed, but not in my bed but in again a safer part of the house /just in case/ and sleep wasn’t good either.

But I did get some rest, and I’m recovering. I haven’t had any more seizures so far since waking but my limbs barely want to move and don’t have a lot of strength.

I’m going to have to call up a friend to look after me and help me out but at least I have left over soup so I don’t have to do a lot of work to eat.

I’m /okay/ after all that pain and suffering and fear, but I’m not back to my normal yet at any measure. But I’m mentally a lot better and more healthy. Just the body needs to catch up

Sorry if I worried anyone but I gotta say venting was nice, being able to have some where to scream while I felt isolated and scared helped me have some strength.

Hopefully today I’ll be able to work on the shipping side blog and maybe play some Mario Wonder. Just going to try to keep it simple

#bagged a post #negative

[lcnelyday]

keats diary: tw sadness, mental health, and tears.

i have been playing dnd since may of 2020 with the same three people. my two cousins, kelsey and lindsee, and kelsey's husband, cass. these are my three best friends. i spend all my time with them and i love them and they are the people that keep me sane. i generally run our dnd games, with the exception of two months in the winter when cass runs a game.

a few weeks ago, i had a conversation with cass who pulled out of our dnd table because he didn't like my dm style. this was soul crushing, especially when he also plays at another table, which none of the rest of us play at. it felt like i was being broken up with and left me devastated.

the next day, my best friend pulled away from me. this was a far messier situation, and i won't expand on it, but it felt like part of my heart was being carved out. we tried to hold onto what we had built, but i was so frustrated with how things turned out, and how much it was hurting my mental health so i ended things.

it felt like three breakups. first losing my favorite hobby, as the others didn't want to play without cass, so now i just don't play dnd. and then my best friend, twice. one right after another, two in two consecutive days.

the worst part is that for the last three weeks, i have been alone. cass and kelsey are incredibly busy, and even when i babysit for them, there's a massive chance that they will drop me off at home right after work rather than us hanging out as usual, watching yellowstone or dimension20 or something like that. i have no best friend to cry to about how isolated i am feeling. lindsee hasn't talked to me since my friend and i first stepped back, and while i don't think any of it is intentional, my heart very much disagrees with me.

i feel like an exposed nerve. raw and vulnerable with no one to offer me support or shelter. i have the worst case of rejection sensitivity i have ever had in my entire life. part of my whole personality has been taken from me, and the two groups i have tried to join are not taking anyone new in. not to mention i have lost the most important person in my life and my greatest writing partner, and that cut is by my own hand.

to top off the isolation with my four most important people, my eldest brother got a rabbit, which i am deathly allergic to, so i can't go to my home reservation because i have no way of visiting anyone since his house is the hangout house. my other older brother is frustrated with me because i don't want to go camp in the middle of the desert with him and his family (no trees for shade, cacti everywhere, and a fifty fifty chance he wants to go to our older brothers if it's too hot, see the rabbit reasons i can't risk that). my younger brother is dealing with a tragic event with his girlfriend, so i cannot and would not bother them right now. my closest friend is lindsee's seventeen year old kid, who goes on walks with me a few nights a week around our neighborhood. i am incredibly grateful for this relationship. we grew up together, and have been friends for most of their life. they are the one person who is supportive of my non binary discovery this year, they let me cry and bitch and then they tell me all about their life and teenage drama. they want us to be roommates when they graduate, but i told them i am not living with an eighteen year old, and i am not doing roommates again.

i don't know what i am doing. i keep pushing forward, taking my meds, drinking water, getting the recommended hours of sleep, and sunshine, and exercise. i watch my dnd actual play shows and play video games. i take care of my plants and keep my place clean. it's like i am in a depression, but it looks nothing like it's ever looked before because i look fine. but i am not fine. i am crying every day, all through the day, while i sweep my stairs and brush my teeth. when i get home from my walks, before i go to sleep. when i make my breakfast or as i unpack my groceries. i am in hell. so i write.

#about keats #this is just a long way of me talking about my feelings and life right now because i have no one to talk to so i scream into the void #ooc

[captaindibbzy]

Last week a friend of the family died. This post will be talking about abuse.

My mum had known him all her life, and my dad had known him for 50 years, which is longer than my parents had known each other. He was in his 70's and he died of a heart attack in the morning.

And I fully believe his wife killed him.

His wife is an abusive bitch. There has been family drama going on there all my life. Once she stabbed him in the middle of an argument and in the panic that followed instead of calling an ambulance she took his shirt off and tried to wash the blood out. She bullied and coerced him and shouted at him.

They have two kids, and when they had grown up enough she left him for someone who had more money. Except she never really left. She moved in with this other man, and then continued to come back every day and she cleaned the house. She belittled him. She continued to bully him. She would get the kids to join in. She would isolate him, and make him do house work for her when he wasn't well. When she was in hospital she went to his house when she got let out and made him look after her instead of to her boyfriend.

He never consented to this by the way. He'd just been stamped on so much that he didn't fight it.

He had fibromyalgia and a few years ago he had a heart problems. And she continued to yell at him until he did the strenuous tasks she didn't want to do. She had health conditions too but you see hers were real and much more important.

She sent him to the supermarket early in the morning. He suffered a cardiac arrest while there. They kept his heart going for an hour while in the supermarket with compressions. It broke his ribs.

And it is my firm belief that if he could have got away, got out, or if she'd just fucked off, or stopped, or anything else, he would still be alive today, and he would have been happier for it.

And now we have his widow playing the part of believed wife. Oh how cruel the world is to take her dear husband from her!

We know what you are. You did this to him. You killed him with your selfish abusive toxic actions.

It has upset my dad a lot. The guy was one of his best friends. He lost another good friend to a heart attack not too many years ago. He lost his mother in December, our dog just before that, and our cat in October. He had a kidney out in the pandemic for cancer, and he had a heart attack in 2018 over Christmas. It must feel like death is getting closer and closer for him. He has nowhere to go now that's close enough to just pop out for a cup of coffee with a friend, no one to talk to about the problems he is working out, mechanics and electronics, whether to sell things, or buy things, or do things, and would you come with him?

There's a heater sitting in the hallway my dad bought for him the week before he died. He was going to help install it in his friends garage so they could be warm when tinkering together.

She killed him.

#personal #death mention