#i feel so much anxiety sometimes i

[royalarchivist]

[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]

Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?

[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*

–

Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.

Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!

Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.

* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.

#Pactw #QSMP #Pac #March 18 2024 #As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators #I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore #I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know #like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on #And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation #but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk. #I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about #esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources #and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive'' #but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this'' #''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?'' #And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know #idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info #Happy to hear other folks' perspective #I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those #but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric #which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs #but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying #Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript #that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing #and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate #idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags #But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter #Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn

[stuckinapril]

still very much have my anxious attachment style at play but i'm getting so much better at being okay w people leaving

#i used to get hung up on that shit for a month #now i'm over it in like a day. depending on context ofc but that has been my general baseline #i feel so much more emotionally grounded not letting my anxiety ab this stuff fuck me up in the long term #i need to work on my snap judgment reactions but sometimes it's human to be a little messy #so i'm simply forgiving myself and working on being better #p

[wttcsms]

horribly short summary of what im trying to accomplish here, but if you were to read a fic featuring character, a soldier honorably discharged and is officially off the battlefield and yet he can’t seem to shake off the war from clinging to his body, and he’s basically a bit of a mess and feels incapable of returning to ordinary life and there’s you, the sweetest thing in the whole world, and he keeps trying to tell you he’s no good and you’re there to help him with everything (and it kills him a bit, to see you wasting your time to help him, and it kills him because he feels like he shouldn’t be the type of person who needs help) and !! just slowburn and falling in love and just read the tags for the vibe ok, who would it be for

#i was originally thinking ghost from cod since hello there’s so much source material to work with #and the fic would suit him nicely but also idk if i have cod readers left on my blog #so any characters are fine like an aot character would also prob fit the bill for this #but ive just been thinking abt everyone who’s analyzing hozier’s snippet #with how he takes his coffee black and his whiskey neat and how this girl is too sweet FOR HIM #as in… not being deserving of something so nice #and feeling that way but also showing how in the healing process - in the process of getting better - #we start to discover that we are allowed to enjoy and indulge in nice things. that we also deserve to live a life full of sweetness #and it’s a bit serious since it will touch on ptsd; on survivors guilt #and the fic is long - spanning from getting together to him having kids w u #& how even after all this time sometimes the war is still fresh as ever on his mind #and just !!! it’s a lot #also that Taylor line that’s like ‘is it really your anxiety that keeps you from giving me everything? #‘or do you just not want to’ + ‘you wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody’

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

#cats #holiday #OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few #days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below) #My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart #rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart #so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag #and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day #last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few #hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent #ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect #because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make #me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these #'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a #few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is #getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better #and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo #I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm.. #pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c #Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after #like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread... #I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was #doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally #ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully #whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos #ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever. #And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely #though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart #stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive #things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[okkennymay]

Speaking of said dad, he went on a lil mini 10 day holiday across the country to Perth to sight see nature and go on a boat ride to see some Orcas (he's retired, it's his way of getting out the house and not turning into an old man potato, and comes back with hundreds of photos of landscapes, plants and flowers and points of historical interests to show my Mum and I, with cool facts and stories in a slideshow~)

Unfortunately i was still sick at the time and didn't get the chance to join my mum in dropping him off at the airport, let alone the chance to give him a big 'ol hug before he left- so I drew him this 💖

You can't escape the 'Ken hugs.

#fun fact I actually have mild OCD when it comes to hugs especially with family members #sometimes they have to deal with me hugging them many times over until its right #and if I don't hug them before they leave I get anxious as hell #it used to be to the point of panic attacks- my brain would tell me because I didn't hug them they will die before I see them again #and they would never know how much I love them #Family gatherings are a hug fest- my family and their partners know the moment I bust through the door I must run the circuit #everyone gets hugged and neither of us have a choice in the matter #at least it's hugs and not something else like turning on and off the lights a number or times or closing and opening doors or some such #sure hug OCD sounds nice but when it's been like 5 minutes and 15 hugs it's not fun for either party-it's better these days but it took wor #or running out the door to your sisters car because the hug wasn't right and they're about to drive off and if I don't catch them in time- #-I'd cry for hours feeling dread and anxiety down to my bones until i end up sick and in bed- that's not so nice #the brains a bitch

[rubyscarbuncle]

I’m trans, and that’s so fucking awesome.

“Oughhh but I feel awful and I face constant discrimination” not to minimize that, but maybe that’s not where the story ends, maybe my life doesn’t have to be about the shitty parts, maybe my life doesn’t just have to be the hurdles I’m jumping over and the people that I’m stuck dealing with.

Maybe I can love that i am a part of something bigger, that I am a part of a group of people that would rather etch their true name on their tombstone than be someone they’re not. That I am someone who has deeply explored themselves as a person and is constantly changing and growing and loving myself in new ways and with a sincerity and exploration that no one else can in the same way. I’m constantly reinventing myself and enjoying the person, not only that I’m turning into but that I am right now, albeit with the challenges that come with it. And fuck anyone else.

I’ve been spending too long focusing on my anxieties and trying to “become” a girl or “pass” as a woman. Too long saying that I’m not enough as a girl until I pass or treating transness as this “condition” I’ve been straddled with that makes me worse off compared to a cis woman, but I’m me, and I’ll live and breathe and love life to my own tune, and I will die to that tune, and i don’t care who the fuck doesn’t jam to it because it’s not their life. I have been given this opportunity to love myself and claw a home into this body of mine by force if I have to, and that’s something I can always take pride in.

I’m trans, and that’s so so so fucking awesome

#trans #transgender #transgenderism #lgbtq #lgbtq+ #lgbt #and no this is not to minimize trans struggles or to say that those anxieties and fears and discrimination aren’t hard #or that they don’t sometimes make me miserable #but that not just in spite of it but regardless of it I want to continue to love myself and who i am and who i will turn into is awesome #and that I have more than enough permission to just be me #my voice and my body don’t dictate my happiness #and I can choose to love these things about myself no matter how someone else feels about them #or no matter how much they will make passing harder #I don’t give a shit #because I’m me and I’m trans and transgenderism will always live on no matter how much it attempts to be squashed and that’s so awesome

[mister13eyond]

talking to a friend about getting back into art and i think the #1 most important piece of art advice i could ever get or give is just "figure out what is FUN to you"

like i think there is sooooo much emphasis on how to build SKILL in art but a lot of it really treats art like a job or like video game grinding, like it's this thankless job that you have to work at in order to reach a Threshold and i know it's not EASY to make yourself have fun but like

imo a solid 70% of the reason i create art is because the Act of Drawing is fun to me. it's fun problem-solving and planning and putting down lines and playing with colors and tools. it's fun to depict little scenes in my head or to create outfits or to find ways to fill the canvas. never forget that creating can be fun. sometimes it's hard and sometimes you have to battle through your own blockades to get there but the ultimate goal should always be to ENJOY it, to find what you enjoy doing and then do it forever. improvement will follow enjoyment.

i think especially with all the debate about ML image generation it's more important than ever to embrace FUN. if you're only focused on the end result it's so easy to get in your own head- to think about what doesn't look good or what skills you don't have yet or to compare yourself to other artists. but photography didn't kill the art of drawing and AI won't either because, simply put, there will always be people who want to do the physical act of making art because it's fun to do! using paints and markers, splashing colors around, doing shitty pen doodles, using the symmetry tool in your art program to do abstract mandalas that are just squiggles formed into patterns. do art like you're 5 and you've been handed markers to pass the time. do art like you're bored in class and you're keeping your brain entertained by drawing stick figure comics in the margins. do art like an absent thing, do art because it satisfies your brain. the goal is not to make something beautiful and perfect, the goal is to make something because your hands need to make and your body needs to make.

#i know and love so many people who have intense anxiety about their ability to create art and who are so hard on themselves about the result #and i think that's a REALLY easy thing to feel because creating is also vulnerable & physically difficult and there is SOOOO much to master #but i think for me the people who churn out 300 colored pencil front facing hands behind their backs oc doodles on lined notebook paper- #are the ones with the right idea. they're the ones i aspire to be like #i'm not saying i never struggle either bc tbh #as someone with depression and adhd there are times where the Act of Having Fun is simply not possible #sometimes i CAN'T enjoy things because my ability to feel joy is locked behind a barrier of my mental illness #so i don't think it's an Easy thing to do by far and I don't think you can just Magically Make Yourself Happy And Having Fun #but i DO think that experimenting in a low-stakes low-pressure manner until you find something that clicks in your brain helps #doing things for the sake of doing them is the only way to figure out which ones WILL be fun to you #not all of them will. some things will feel like a slog #but i think you have to look for the passion before you're able to face the slog #if you jump right into the parts that are Hard and Challenge Your Limits it's easy to spin your wheels and get stuck #but if you focus on the super small stakes and the things that are thoughtless and focused more on Sensation- #the sensory experience of mixing paint or the scratch of pencil on paper or the smooth way a specific pen makes lines- #then you can lose yourself in the physical aspect of it FIRST #and then once you've started really ENJOYING those sensations you can start learning new ways to use them #because now you have the drive to want to do more #now you have the desire to find new ways to apply this thing you like doing #long post #even longer tags #art #drawing #artists #art advice

[didderd]

Why you so cool?

Why?

And how?

Tell me your secrets.

TELL ME!

*holds a rubber duck at Tacs head*

Tell me or he's goin quackin!

Better yet!

*holds the Tourette squads hostage with rubber ducks. They just lay on the ground, being non-threatening.*

TELL THE WORLD THE SECRET OF BEING A DOPE ASS PERSON!

DFJNBKJKJDFNV

IDK! erm..

be a silly lil guy

have anxiety

draw skeletons

#was originally gonna go a lot more self deprecating wif this #but it was too much #yall may see what i show yall online n think i'm cool #but if u saw how much of a mess i am irl i don't think u'd believe that anymore lmao #also th ''have anxiety'' part is lowkey tru lmao #i am so afraid of appearing not cool that i overthink everything #and usually hold myself back when i feel like something i'm abt to say might b weird or too much or something #but i still sometimes dont end up holding myself back when i should have n then i regret it #anyways #ofc i do not wish this much anxiety on any of yall tho #bc it rly sucks #but i know som of yall do hav it :'> #wishing everyone a not so anxiety week <3333 #specially with thanksgiving #sry for rambling abt anxiety on ur silly ask lmao #didderd asks #anonymous

[mage-propaganda]

On the one hand, whenever I see my “loving men” post (which I made, like, over a year ago I think at this point) get another influx of notes I feel good that I’m helping some people out there that need it. On the other hand, I mostly get anxious because whenever I get influxes of notes on that post like 50% of them are bad takes, and it feels like a fair number of those takes lead people onto my blog and into my inbox to be gross and transphobic.

If I haven’t answered any of my mutuals asks lately I’m sorry, but I’ve been specifically ignoring my inbox the last few months as I seem to have like weekly big influxes from that post which means sifting through what feels like 10,000 “your boyfriend actually sees you as a straight woman, and he should kill himself too” anons.

#personal #that post was mlm btw #like I’m not ashamed to be a bisexual mlm #I’m a trans guy I’m not gonna feel ashamed to be a guy #just ooof #that post gives me so much anxiety now #sometimes I wish I never made it

[craycraybluejay]

How many great artists and scientists and iventors dyou think died in slave plantations, concentration camps, and meaningless bullshit wars and genocides?

#i think about it every now and then and feel like crying #you know? #someone who died to the cruelty of humanity could have cured cancer #and their lives matter either way but #it causes me anxiety to think that even with whatever value I have it can only mean so much #people are irrational and cruel. i could invent fucking time travel and in some spaces it simply would not matter #how do you play at stocks and mind games with someone who does not Think in that way #a smart play for power or play for anything else is only useful so long as other involved parties arent insane or stupid #how frustrating is that? #irresponsible stupid people in power make my blood boil more than just the power itself #you cant even concede to someone like that either bc they wont understand compromise or surrender #but also its like telling a bully you'll tell his mom that his dad cheated #but the bully is stupid and beats you up anyway and now you both lose because youre definitely going to tell now #you could have come out both winners if he understood your leverage and backed off #but now youre both losers cause you are still all bruised and bloody and he gets to deal with his parents messy divorce #don't negotiate with stupid people. recognize when they arent understanding and just try something else like running #dont fret sometimes an appeal to emotion will kick em into gear #'ill tell your mom' vs 'your mom will be so devastated and sad when she finds out :(' #obv dont do that unless someones abusing their power over you/hurting you in a situation you cant just run from #because the best solution if possible is almost always run. leave. get away. #but if you have to fight you want to get at any angle you can #you want to corner the other person so they go from being offense to defense #and if youre just digging/prepping for a bigger thing you want to get them frazzled enough to make a mistake #again. this is for self defense especially in long term abusive/toxic situations #people who abuse using their power usually have ego problems. sometimes you can take a gamble and go for the ego #they do this to you. do it BACK. #and preferably have a weapon on hand if they are liable to violence and unpredictability #better to look for a lawyer than check on the status of your life and health insurances #it is never too late to fight back. some people will tell you helplines but they have not helped me or anyone i know #so i'm telling you how to fight back and protect yourself by any means necessary

[httpiastri]

#im about to FREAK OUT bcs of my boss #like yes i'm so thankful and happy to be employed. really. #but my boss is so #it feels like he's never doing anything.... he's only in the office max 2 days per week and idk #hes just very strange #but the worst thing is that he just takes his own work and dumps it on me #which is fine in some ways! like i sometimes just sit around with no work to do #so then it's good to have something to do #but today... not only did i already have a shit ton of work to do but #he tells me to book a hotel for a conference they're having ?? and that's not even near what's in my work description?????? #(i basically just do numbers rn. i sit with spreadsheets and move numbers around and stuff like that) #and the worst part is that he told me i cant email them... i must call........ #and i get that this sounds super silly to those who don't have a fear of speaking on the phone but #it makes me freak the f out #i cant even talk on the phone with my parents. or my brother. or a friend. like genuinely just no i cant #it brings out so so much anxiety in me #i get dizzy just thinking about it #and again this is really really not even similar to anything in my job description ???? i wouldn't have signed up if i knew i had to do thi #and when i have things that i need to do but i physically cant then my brain just goes into pause mode and i don't do anything at all #instead of doing one of the many things i *could* do (like write an email anyway) #there's just no way im gonna be able to call but idk what my boss is gonna think if i mail.... because he specifically said that i must cal #rrGGG im just so frustrated!!!!! #and i needed to get this out.... soz for the rant #i just think i would cry (genuinely) if i were to make that call #alSO BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTION IS SO UNCLEAR LIKE ALWAYS WITH THIS GUY #I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO #gonna go drink a lot of water so i dont cry now 👍 sorry bye

[mysticfemme]

I consistently say that I'm not sure whether I like medieval studies, and yet when I'm doing an assignment I often end up focussing on something medieval. I just took ELEVEN BOOKS from the shelf on the Gawain poet because apparently I'm a nerd

#also little side ramble but when i was out with my friend yesterday i was so worried because of how much of a nerd i am #she's quite girly and trendy and has a big group of friends and they go out a lot and stuff #and I'm just here burying my head in medieval books and i wish i could be interesting like her #but i just feel so so dull sometimes #even though i dress like the coolest medievalist-to-be #plus i had a lil social anxiety freak out yesterday when i was out with her and was just terrified the entire time that she hated me #I'm wearing my new docs today tho so I'm excitedddd #also i bought a new dress yesterday but i have nowhere to wear it and it's not very cottagecore like at all #rants n rambles

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible' #(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence) #and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#oh wow... #i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day... #all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words: #''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in'' #which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it? #forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me? #pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread? #panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head? #yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)? #isn't that literally what masking is?! #and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem'' #when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?! #you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above] #my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''.... #same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit'' #ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

[sebcosmothetransguy]

(tw)

🎵🎶what do we do when we have depressive thoughts?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we have sh urges?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna die?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶what do we do when we wanna self-sabotage?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

🎵🎶and what do we do when we are remembering our trauma?🎶🎵

👏make art👏

#tw: mention of sh #vent #tw vent #silly depressed posting #all the misunderstandings with that one post i made has been getting to me #i don’t know why it’s getting to me so much #but yeah #depressed posting #anxiety posting #mental health #mentally ill #anxious #depressed #anxiety #depression #sh urges #si urges #coping mechanism #making art helps sometimes #i’ll make that art for my short story now maybe #or maybe i’ll game a bit #i’m not too sure yet #i’ll be safe though #self sabotage #wanna not be good though #wanna self isolate though #and in the span of a few minutes my tumblr feed has turned into posts about bpd #i find it scary how when i was in a toxic relationship i had so many symptoms of bpd #like that was just trauma #and it’s sad and terrifying that someone can feel that way every single day