#i forget get how much I love drawing Mal

[writingsfromhome]

If you Love Something

A/N: this has been an idea sitting in my drafts for a while. You and Harry had a brief but intense relationship as teenagers, were forced to make a serious decision then, and it’s aftereffects have lingered for the rest of your lives. It deals with some heavier topics so read with caution (alcoholism, depression, unwanted pregnancy etc). I’d describe it as sad but hopeful.

Part 2

—————————————

Age 17.

It started in secret. We’d found each other on the roof of a house party. Truth be told, I saw him sneak out of the window where people were crowded around the TV watching some controversial music video I hadn’t heard about. And I’d followed.

I knew who Harry was. Had him in English, Maths, and Biology last year. He was well spoken, thoughtful, and silly. I never spoke to him once though. Only admired him from afar.

Tonight I had my first drink and then another. I was feeling buzzed and despite being painfully shy for most of the time I’d known everyone here, I was suddenly gripped by the realization that we were approaching the last year we would all be together. Why had I waited this long to pursue someone I thought was cute?

I snuck out after him, when my friends weren’t looking. I even tilted the window more closed than usual so no one would suspect anything; I had the attic room at home so I knew how to maneuver the angled roof to get comfortable.

“You need any help?” Harry’s voice is clear in the silence.

“I’m alright.” I stand up to peer at him. He’s climbed near the top.

“Sure? You don’t seem steady.”

“Oh I’m steady,” I prove it to him by climbing up to where he was. “See?”

“I’m mistaken. My bad.” He holds out a hand to help me sit beside him and the night sky flashes brighter for an instant when I grasp his hand. My stomach is in knots.

“Harry. Styles.” I don’t know why I say his full name but I was nervous.

He repeats my full name back to me. I don’t know why I’m surprised he knows it. It’s not like we went to a big school.

“What brings you out here?”

I try to be bold about it, “You?”

“Party was getting too much.” He says. I stare at him in confusion while he complains about something his friends had gotten up to.

I replay my answer and realized it sounded like I’d skipped answering his question and asked the question back. Bugger.

“You know my name.” I interrupt him, forgetting he was telling me a story. Awkward.

“Yeah? Of course I do.”

“We’ve never talked.”

“We talked. Once in Maths. We had to grade each other’s answers.”

Oh yeah. I burn when I remember the 4/10 he’d given me with a smiley face saying that maths was masochistic.

“Barely.”

“I know you though,” he says with a softness that makes my heart stutter.

“Do you?” I look to him, resting my chin on my shoulder. He gazes down at me and I swear I could taste the colours around us.

His eyes draw me deeper as he inches closer. Was he going to kiss me? Oh my god.

I look back out to the roof and he jerks away. Omg.

“I do.”

“Oh,” I don’t know what to do after that awkward moment.

“I know you’re really quiet and shy but your smile is so loud you can see it from across the room.” He says and my breath catches as he continues. “You’re yourself with your friends, you really like Harry Potter and field hockey. You would kill Mal Adams if you could get away with it and you hate Maths just as much as you love art. You’re dating Oli Graves but your smile is only ever shining half as bright when you’re around him. Can I go on?”

I stop breathing completely halfway through his declaration of knowing me. All this time I had my eye on him, I didn’t know he was watching me too.

“I didn’t ask you for your opinion on my relationship.”

“You didn’t. I didn’t give you one either.”

I glare at him. He was right. He smiles knowing he was. I’m mad that I’m not mad at him. That he was right.

“What are you doing with a guy like that?”

Oli and I had been dating for 7 months now. He was loud and fun in a way I wish I could be. That’s why I liked him so much. That’s why I was at a party like this to begin with.

“He’s a good guy.”

“That’s all?” He asks. I look over but he’s looking up at the sky. I follow his gaze and get lost in the great expanse of nighttime.

“I think you deserve someone who sees you. Don’t you?”

“Did Ally see you?” I ask with a hint of aggression I didn’t mean to have.

“Ally and I broke up during Easter. So there’s your answer.” He’s unbothered.

“Well what do you want?” I ask.

“Right now? Or in life?”

I shrug. “Both?”

“I want to explore the world and meet all kinds of people. I wanna make the world a better place by being in it. It’s cheesy as shit so if you ever said I said this I’ll deny it and you’ll look like-“

“My lips are sealed.” I turn his way to promise him that. It makes me laugh at how serious he looks saying it all and when I do his face relaxes.

“You laugh is nice too. I forgot to mention that.”

That quiets me very quickly.

“And right now,” he continues. “I’d really like to kiss you.”

My ears ring. Did I hear him right? Could you get so drunk you hallucinate? I swear the cold air had sobered me-

“Did you hear what I said?” Harry’s moved in closer to me. Did I? I don’t know.

“What d-“

“I’d like to kiss you.”

I nod, afraid to talk and realize I’d hallucinated him saying that.

The world melts away when he kisses me. It’s tender, nothing like Oli and his jagged pushy kissing. In the nighttime air it’s warm, and soft, and easy.

“I know you,” Harry says when we part. I’d nearly climbed into his lap and I try to edge away, embarrassed, but he keeps a hand firm on my thigh.

“I know you too Harry,” I breathe. He smiles and it crinkles his luscious eyes.

I think I was falling.

***

We keep it a secret after I break up with Oli. For months, until mid-August when I invite him over for dinner after my mom insists on meeting “the boy I was all doe-eyed over”. The night with my family goes so well—Harry is the picture of a courteous gentleman that even my sister is swayed by him despite saying boys were gross. I ask him to hang out, in public, the next day. He doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

That’s what I love about Harry—yes love. He’s not pushy, he lets me go at my own pace. He respects me and sees me for everything I am and loves me anyway. I wanted to spend my whole life with him.

It was so intense and relaxed at the same time. It felt like no relationship I’d been in before. I felt different being with him, even my friends noticed.

When final year started, Harry and I were official but we didn’t flaunt it. We didn’t need to. My friends knew about us and they were happy for us, they told me I was more me. Whatever that meant.

Life was phenomenal and I was living in a dusky haze. Nothing could touch us.

Until one day in February. I was out with my sister, mum didn’t want to take her out and since I recently got my driver’s license with plenty of lessons from Harry, I was driving her to the mall. She needed Valentine’s Day cards.

“I thought you said love is stupid.” I remind her on the way.

“It is.”

“So why the hell am I driving you to buy cards for a made up holiday?”

“Because!” She crosses her arms and stares out the window. I flick her arm at a red light.

“You have a crush.”

“I do not!”

“Do too. Who is it? James? Mattie? Hamid?”

“Ew! They’re freaks.” My sister continues staring out the window.

“Why do you want to buy cards so bad!?”

“I just want them! For my friends!”

“Okay then,” I didn’t believe her. But I couldn’t bring her home crying or mum would ground me.

A lot of places have slim pickings. Wandering the aisle of Waterstones I catch sight of a family friend. She was my dad’s uni friend’s daughter, a few years older than me but by the time I got to secondary she had dropped out after getting pregnant. I remember the buzz when everyone found out.

I avoid her and find an aisle to occupy myself.

Harry and I were always careful, mum had already given me the talk and he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t. I imagine Harry as a dad. He would make a good one I think.

As one thought leads to another I go cold as I realize something. My last period was during the holidays.

I feel like I’m walking in a swarm of locusts as I walk to the edge of the aisle, scanning for my sister. Maybe I can pop into a pharmacy before she’s done. Maybe…

This was crazy. It was probably just a missed period.

But if it isn’t, another voice asks. I felt it in my gut. I had to do this.

I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember anything about the rest of that day except two faint lines, and then two faint lines again, and a third time. I fall asleep before dinner that night and shut the world out.

***

“I know something’s wrong.” Harry’s walking me home after school. It’s Valentine’s Day and he’d been nothing but sweet. He bought me chocolates, flowers, and we planned to cook dinner together after school. I had bought him chocolates too, and had written him a heartfelt note with a bunch of photos of us weeks ago. The box was in my room, waiting for tonight. “Do you not like the flowers? Or is it dinner? We can go out somewhere instead?”

“No everything’s lovely.” I’d never heard Harry this desperate before. It gets under my skin even though part of me knows that’s not really it. But having him hover over me all week trying to figure out what was wrong was too much.

I’d spent every night this week with a hand over my belly. Thinking about it. I hadn’t told anyone. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. All I can think of was Jenny and I didn’t want that life. I couldn’t. I couldn’t be a mother.

“Please. What’s the matter.” Harry asks again, tugging at my hands but I pull them away.

“I just need some space!” I shout and he flinches. “I’m sorry Harry. I just need space right now.”

“Right now like…” he scratches his head. “I don’t get you. It’s Valentine’s Day, we’ve been talking about this day for weeks what do you mean you want space?”

“I can’t do this right now. Please.”

“Are you-are we…”

“I’m not breaking up with you.” I look at Harry with tears in my eyes, I didn’t want to cry out here. But every time I look at him I remember the reality. What’s growing inside me. I can’t take it. “I just can’t do today.”

I go inside my house. Leave him without further explanation. I feel awful, I can’t hold the tears in long enough to get to my room.

***

“Hey love?” My mum and dad knock on my door at half past 5. I lay in the dark, having cried myself dry. “We’re worried about you. Can we talk.”

“I can’t.” I say, voice stuffy.

“I thought you and that boyfriend of yours had plans,” dad says. He liked Harry but he rarely called him by his name. “Did something happen?”

“No!” I wanted them to leave me alone. “I just. I had to cancel. I’m fine.”

“Don’t sound fine to me love,” I feel the mattress dip as mum sits down. Dad strokes my hair. They whisper something I can’t hear and a pair of footsteps pad out of my room.

“Mum just leave me alone.” I try again.

“I’m not.” She pushes me further into my bed and leans down, tugging my blanket down. When I finally look at her she smiles kindly and kisses my forehead. That fills me up enough to start wailing again. “Oh love, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” I sob into my blanket. Mom lays down beside me and I let myself be cradled like a child. God, I had a child. This was so fucked.

“Talk to me. We can figure it out together.”

I don’t know how my parents would react. They were never particularly strict, especially after what happened with Jenny I remember them always being sympathetic. We even visited her in hospital with a gift.

Mum strokes my hair and whispers that it’ll be okay. Slowly my sobbing eases into light sniffles. I had to tell her. She would know what to do. And if she hated me for it, I would just have to deal with it.

“Mum don’t be mad-“

“I won’t honey I-“

“No. Mum.” I cut her off. She moves back on the pillow so she can see my whole face, moving a strand of hair so I couldn’t hide. “Something…messed up. Happened. And…I was careful. We were always careful I don’t know what happened but I-“

I watch her face changed. Like she knew. She knew what was coming but she waits patiently as I muster up the courage to say the words that felt too real once I said them.

“Mum I’m…I’m pregnant.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she bites her lip. What was she thinking? Was she crying for me or with me? Why wasn’t she saying anything!?

“Mum-“

“C’mere.” She wraps me in her embrace again and kisses the top of my head. My body feels drained and limp. I finally told somebody. It was real. This living thing inside of me was real.

“What happened?” She asks next. And I tell her what I think happened. When. How I found out. She listens, holding my hand in hers. When I’m done and it’s poured out of me she smiles supportively. “This isn’t a bad thing okay? It’s okay. Any decision you make is up to you. I’ll talk to your dad but just know you call the shots okay? I love you.”

This is what carries me. The love.

She asks me it I told Harry yet and I tell her the truth. She urges me to tell him. I tell her I wanted to so bad but I was scared.

She leaves shortly after that, I hear her talking softly outside my room. Nobody calls me for dinner until 7, a soft knock on my door. My sister would never be so soft, I assume it’s dad so I tell him to come in. I was scared to face him.

It’s Harry instead.

“Harry!” I cover my splotchy face with my blanket, why was he here? Did mum invite him? This was soo embarrassing.

My heart pounds and Harry is silent until he takes a seat where mum had previously been.

“I came over, your mum invited me. She explained.”

She did what? For a moment I feel betrayed.

“She said you weren’t doing so well. Stressed? I could make you some tea if you’d like. But I told you y/n, you’ll get into unis. You don’t have to worry so…”

I sigh. Mum had told him a half-truth. But he had come. Of course he had.

I couldn’t even think about uni right now because that lead me down a road of what if I couldn’t go because I had a baby. And that life felt so bleak it made me depressed.

“Harry.” I inch my blanket down a little and his eyes go round when he looks at me.

“You look…awful.”

“I know.” I cover my face with my hair but he brushes it away and kisses my forehead.

“No. I’m worried about you. I brought dinner-“

“Oh Harry.” I spot the bag he brought with him.

“I made it all for us. With my mum’s help but mostly me. I packed it to bring to you.”

I didn’t deserve him. And I had to tell him. And he was going to break up with me. What high school boy wanted a child?

“Harry it’s not uni.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was carrying another living thing. It was the size of a seed but I was carrying it inside me. Like a living breathing pot. I was a potted plant.

“Then what is it?” His brows crinkle. “Is it us?”

“No!” I rush to tell him. “I…I don’t know how to say this. And I don’t know how you’re going to react but it’s okay either way.”

“What are you talking about?” His hands slide up my lap. “What is it?”

“Harry. I’m um, I’m pregnant.”

I watch him freeze and stay exactly how he is, his brows pinch ever so slightly. I knew this look. He looked still on the outside but his mind was racing. And I was scared what was racing through it.

“Pregnant?”

“Yeah. From…the holidays.”

“How did-I thought we-“

“I guess it’s not foolproof.” I whisper. Mum had told me to go on the pill, and I hadn’t listened because all my friends told me it made them gain weight. If only I had listened. Now I was gaining weight anyway.

“What are we going to do?” He asks next. And I never realized six little words could weigh the world. If I could cut those words out and surgically implant them into my heart I would. Just to remind me the equal parts relieved and comforted they made me.

I hold his face in my hands, new tears springing to my eyes. He was in this. With me.

He kisses me and pulls me into a hug. I cry into his shirt again and he holds me so tight I swear I could break.

“I don’t know if I can keep it Harry,” I finally whisper to him.

His hands fist in my shirt, he holds his breath and after a long minute he lets me go with it.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Was he really okay with all this?

“It’s…I can’t make you keep it.”

“You’d want to keep it?” I couldn’t believe it.

“It’s…” he swallows his sentence and keeps his gaze on my stomach. I tug his hand and lay it over it. When his eyes meet mine I see a hint of heartbreak. We were going to break our hearts either way I think.

Not once did I think he might want to keep it.

“It’s okay.” Harry finally says. “We’re so young right? How would we keep a baby and go to school, and do everything we always talk about?”

“Yeah I don’t…I don’t know.”

“I love you.” He says with such a sudden passion. I wrap my arms around his and return the sentiment.

Eventually we lay down and just talk about everything. Truthfully, my head was telling me not to keep the baby but everything else felt dead thinking about it.

Maybe that’s why it took me until April to finally make a decision. It was the size of a plum by then, and a tiny bump was starting to show but only when I stood naked in front of the mirror. With clothes on, nobody was the wiser. But the longer I kept it, I think the more Harry fell in love with it. The idea of it.

We have a long talk during our Easter holiday. We talked in my bedroom until the sun comes up. I tell him I was sure of my decision.

I’d gotten accepted to Cambridge by then. Harry was staying in London. We knew it wasn’t feasible. To live the life we always wanted, we had to get rid of this new life we never knew could happen.

I don’t know why but I don’t tell him the day I go to do it. I go with my mum. Mum drops my sister off at school—she didn’t know. Mum said she had a big mouth.

We drive in silence. When we park mum asks how I feel.

“Sad.” It was the truth. I knew this was right. But it felt like shite.

“Yeah.” She rubs my hands. “Want to go in?”

“I just want to sit here for a bit.” I tell her.

“Okay. I’ll go sign you in.”

She takes my purse and hers and leaves me there. I take the moment to ground myself. Say goodbye to the other future.

When mum knocks on my window I jump.

“Yn? Is everything alright?”

“Yeah yeah I’m coming in.” I open the door.

“You know you’ve been sitting here half hour?”

I pause, one leg out the door and one still in. “I…I must have got lost in my head. Sorry mum-“

“Look. Do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know…I have to.”

“There are other options love-“

“But how can I give it up and live my whole life like that?”

“We can help raise her. You can go on and live your life-“

“I’d be a horrible mother.” Mum and I had this row so many times before. It always ended in me storming away but I couldn’t here.

“You don’t need to make the decision today.”

“But I do.” I tell her. “Otherwise it’ll drive me insane.”

I tuck both feet back into the car and rest my hand on my belly. I’d allowed myself to do that only in my room, when I was alone. Doing it out here made it feel even more real. Suddenly I couldn’t imagine going through with the decision.

“I can’t do this.” I tell my mum.

She smooths my hair down and kisses my temple. My door closes and a few seconds later she climbs in beside me.

“Think about it.”

“I can’t. But I can’t keep it either.”

“Okay.” Mum pulls me into her and I think I should cry but I can’t. I’m calm, maybe I know I’d made the right decision. Or just a decision. I was going to stick to this.

“I can’t raise it. I’m just a child I…maybe someone out there wants a baby and can’t have one maybe-“

“I’ll look into it for you.” Mum promises. “You set the rules remember?”

And that’s how it goes. Mum looks into it, we decide to go for adoption. We go to the hospital on the first warm day of the year. By then I’d taken to wearing jumpers over flowy dresses and been thankful for the first time in my life that I wasn’t skinny like other girls. At most angles you couldn’t tell my belly was so perfectly round.

By then too, Harry had accepted the decision. He seemed relieved. Thinking aloud he’d said maybe he could raise it, but quickly turned around when I asked him what he’d do about uni.

“Someone out there can take care of it better than us. Someone will love the baby like we do.”

During the summer, I tell all my friends I was staying with family in midlands. And I do go up there, that’s where the couple who was adopting lived. Harry and I meet them with my mum and his. It’s awkward, we run out of conversation fast. But their house is big and they already have a 2 year old from an adoption last year. My baby was going to be loved here. And have a sibling.

“We did want to discuss one last thing,” they’d said before we left. We all listen intently. “We…find it best when it’s a no contact adoption. We’ve had a lot of friends who keep contact open and it gets messy-“

“What?” I hadn’t really thought about this until now. Hearing I’d have to give the baby up and go on like it didn’t exist felt wrong. Harry’s hand slips into mine.

“This is typical,” Harry’s mum says from his side. “Let’s hear it out.”

“Right. So just to prevent future complications, we do no contact. Of course when baby’s older and wants to seek out the real parents we can’t stop them. But until then…”

“Thank you.” My mum steps in when it goes silent. I could hardly wrap my head around what they were saying. When it gets older?

Pretty soon mum is ushering me out and Harry’s hand is still clutching mine. We don’t let go until we reach my Uncle’s where we were staying until August. The baby was due in September. I was going to miss the first week of class.

“I can’t do this.” I tell them later. “How can we just have no contact.”

“I thought you knew.” Mum says. “I explained that some parents want this when they adopt.”

She might have. Ever since I hit the third trimester like my doctor said, I’ve had a hard time listening and understanding what someone was saying after they spoke too long. I was glad school was done—for obvious reasons, but also for not having to sit in a class and learn.

“We have no other choice.” Harry says from beside me. He rubs my back and slowly, I zone back into the conversation. “We can find another family but they might want the same thing.”

“What if the baby never looks for us?” I turn to him, our heads press against the other’s. “What if we go our whole lives just wondering?”

“What’s the other option?” Harry whispers. He was right. I just didn’t want to get it.

Acceptance slowly creeps into me over the course of the summer. It was always hot carrying another person around, I was always hungry and thirsty, and very cranky. Harry came up to see me every other weekend when he could, mum stayed with me and that summer was one I could never forget.

It was September 1st, a particularly hot day. Rain fell in the afternoon and by the time the unforgiving sun set, the cool air was heavenly.

I sat by the bedroom window, moisturizing my belly like mum had shown me, talking to the baby. I wrote it a letter last week all about me, that I loved them and hoped the best for them. I told the baby about my family, how Harry and I met, and then I sealed it in an envelope with a picture of Harry and me. It was taken last Halloween when we’d both dressed up as each other. I tell mum to give it to the new parents. In case the day came the baby wondered about who we were.

As I spoke softly, I felt a gush of something wet down my leg.

“What?” I stand up, confused. “I…”

It takes me a second. I was going into labour.

“Mum!” I shout. “Mum! Come here!”

She rushes in and confirms it. It was happening.

“But it’s supposed to be next week!” I try not to panic but that’s all I can do as mum grabs our things and my aunt rushes to the car. “Does this mean something’s wrong? Is the baby o-“

I freeze as a contraction forces me to fold. I’d felt the kicking and the nausea and everything in between but these. These were a bitch.

Somehow we make it to hospital. Somehow I lay on a bed and push when the doctor tells me to. I nearly pass out. I just wanted Harry here with me. He didn’t know his kid was being born.

With a final push that felt like I was ascending my body and leaving it behind, I hear a wail and I cry. The baby was out, they cried and everything was okay.

“Okay congratulations mummy,” a nurse crouches down to me. “We’re going to clean you and baby up. She’s healthy and looks okay.”

“What?” I can barely see with my hair in my face and the nurses around me. It was a she? I had a baby girl?

We were never told the gender, so we wouldn’t get attached. But I had a baby girl. The nurse just called me mum.

I feel the tears on my cheeks, I was crying too. I try to look around me but a new nurse is talking in hushed voices to the doctor.

“…outside…call…adoption…shouldn’t or….contact-“

“What’s going on?” I can barely get the words out. “What?”

“Oh my love,” suddenly mum’s in the room and things are a bit better. A bit better.

“Mum what’s going on?”

“The baby’s born. The parents are outside they’re going to meet her soon.”

“What?” I look at mum’s face and it’s shining with tears. Why was she crying?

“Oh she’s beautiful love, she’s perfect. But your job’s done now. You should rest.”

“Mum,” I cry. “Where is she? Can’t I hold her?”

“No love,” mum moves my hair out of my face. I feel something break in half inside of me. I couldn’t even hold the baby? The baby girl? Mine and Harry’s baby girl?

“Why? Mum why? I just want to see her-“

“I’m sorry,” mum says through tears. “It’s just the way it is. She’s going to a loving home okay? She’s good. You’re okay.”

I can’t stop crying. I was going to lose her last April and I stopped that but I lost her anyway. My baby, I was never going to see her.

I remember when my sister was born. I was 5 and I was angry she’d taken the attention away. But when I saw her with her perfect toes and angel face I was obsessed with her. I even remember her first steps, she’d taken them at a park with mum and dad and me together. I was never going to know these things about my own baby. I was never going to know her.

I must pass out soon after. I remember waking up to the nurses instructing me about something. I’m half asleep and barely remember what I did when I get up. When I do wake it’s morning and there’s a figure on the chair beside me.

“You’re up.”

Harry. Relief washes over me knowing he’s here.

“Harry they took her,” I tell him.

“I know. I know yn.”

I move aside and he crawls into bed with me. I must look disgusting but he watches me with love brimming in his eyes. I can tell he’s been crying.

“I feel empty,” I whisper. Like someone had carved me out like a pumpkin. Something I’d had with me all year was gone. “How can I just move on? Start uni and all that when I…they just took her.”

“I keep thinking that.” Harry says. “Khalil invited me to a party to meet some blokes from uni and I just sat in my car the whole time. I couldn’t even go in. She…she was never going to be ours.”

“I feel awful.” I burrow into his neck as he strokes my hair. “A baby girl.”

“A baby girl,” Harry echoes.

***

I head to uni a week later. My body still feels like it fought a war and lost. It’s like it still thinks there’s a baby there. I produce milk for a few days, continue to have contractions, my belly is saggier than usual and I can’t stop crying about everything.

My dad drops me off to uni. He tells me he was proud of me, that I was always his baby girl. I cry then just like I cried at home when I said bye to mum, or when my sister hugged me which she never does. I can’t stop crying.

When I move into my dorm I feel like a completely different person than I thought I was going to be. My dormmate fills me in on everything she’s learned, complains about a boy and a party and it just feels so irrelevant to me. Did I used to care about those things? I had a baby. And now I didn’t.

By October, Harry and I are in different worlds. We hadn’t broken up but we talk weekly. Each week there’s less to talk about. When I visit home in October, being around him just makes me sad. He tries to cheer me up, make it like old times, but I know he’s hurting inside too.

I decide to do the breaking up. And at first he’s angry, insisting we could make it work. He actually refuses and walks away. We don’t talk for a whole day.

But at a house party in South where his uni mates were from, he accepts the end.

Through tears we kiss each other one final time, we whisper sweet nothings, we pour into each other all the hopes and wishes we had for each other.

When he hugs me for the last time I leave something behind. It’s similar to waking up the morning after my delivery and knowing something was gone. I really feel the shape of the loss. It sits in my sternum, a hole that grows smaller with time, but not just yet.

I fall into a depressed state for most of my first semester but my dormmate doesn’t give up on me and eventually I go to my first uni party. Eventually my brain fog clears and I actually go to all my classes. Eventually my life, on the outside, looks like it could be back to normal but inside I ache with the loss. So much that it becomes part of me. I don’t know where it ends, and I begin. It lives in me.

Age 23.

“The first of many hey?” Mal clinks his bottle to mine. I barely knew Mal but we were both friends with Khalil and therefore both at his stag.

“Before you know it we’re all going down,” one of Khalil’s friends joins in. “Stag after stag, suit after suit, it’s gonna be a blur man.”

“Let’s enjoy it while we can!” Someone cheers and everyone raises their beers. I toast with a smile; blokes loved to act like being in a relationship was the last thing they wanted when I knew most of them were mush in their girlfriend’s hands.

I also smile knowing I bought an engagement ring a few weeks back. I wanted to propose to Shannon, we met on her 22 when a friend invited me along. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the birthday girl. We’d been together since.

“Who do you think’s next?” The bets start going and nobody bets on me. Everyone always thought Shan was too good for me, they were counting on us breaking up. I was going to prove them all wrong.

The night gets sloppier until we all head back to the air bnb we’d rented for this. Tomorrow we were all supposed to go play golf like we were cosplaying old money bastards when we all knew we were just broke blokes from East. But I guaranteed they’d all be too hungover. We would get to the club and just drink the hangovers away.

And I’m right. I update Shan that I’m right when the boys stay in the dining area of the club. They decide on lunch and I step out to talk to my girlfriend.

“No birds allowed this weekend,” someone pipes in when I excuse myself.

“That’s just cuz you’re miserable Eli.” I brush past as the boys laugh. At me. And him.

I catch up with Shan. It was a bright day for September and I stay a little longer after the phone ends. Shan was in med school, she was always stressed or sleep deprived. I tried to support her the best I could—right now she needed moral support that she was going to get an internship she was applying for.

“Mummy doesn’t like when I have sweets,” a small voice says to my left. I look at a father with his daughter. He’s crouched down zipping her sweater up while she rambles on.

“Well it’s going to be our secret.” The dad says. “Sundays are for sweets aren’t they?”

“I love sweets.” She responds.

The father catches my eye and I shoot him a smile.

“Her mum’s going to hear every detail when we get home,” he says as he stands. “Can’t keep a secret to save her life.”

I laugh. The way she was rambling on, I didn’t think so. “How old’s she?”

“6.” He says, smiling down at her fondly. My heart aches.

“Almost 7.” She corrects her dad.

“Birthday’s in the spring.” He says more to me. “But almost 7 sure.”

I see them leave with one more shared smile, like we’re in on something. I imagine that’s how it would feel to be a parent. Always knowing something your kid doesn’t.

My daughter was 6. Wherever she was.

Thinking about the daughter I never had, the girl I lost always leaves me a little winded. Today’s no different.

Yn and I both made an agreement and it had been the hardest thing I’d done. Letting her go. It took me a proper year to even think about moving on.

I liked to think about yn, doing everything she wanted to do. But when I thought about the baby I spiralled into a dark pit. Sometimes when I drank too much, it pulled me in too deep to get out of. That’s what Shan liked to call my depressive drinking. She’s limited me to 3 drinks since.

Before I go in I take a minute to think about yn, where she might be. I hear from friends in high school random facts about her life. But I wonder how she’s doing. If she thinks about our baby like I do. How life would have been if I’d been here, calling her on the phone instead, asking if our baby girl was doing alright.

Age 29.

I stare at the nape of the man in front of me. It couldn’t be, but I’d memorized the back of his head—amongst other things, nearly 2 decades ago and I would bet £1000 I knew who this was. But I continue staring until the cashier rings him up.

In the same voice I remember, the one from my memories and my fantasies, I hear him say: “debit.”

I wait for him to pay before saying, “Harry?”

He turns so quickly he drops his card, wallet, and keys.

“Hi!” I laugh awkwardly and crouch down to help him pick his things up. There’s an awareness that the people in the queue behind me are witness to a moment that feels more intimate than a grocery store chat and it makes me shrink a little in my shell like a spooked turtle.

“Hi I-uh,” Harry short-circuits in front of me as the bored cashier holds his receipt out and stares at him with eyes that have worked one shift too many.

“I’ll just bag-“

“Yeah we can talk later.” I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile but it feels watery. I couldn’t believe of all the places I’d run into him, it was a grocery queue. How intense in such a mundane place.

As I watch my total rise on screen I risk a glance at Harry. His hand hovers over a white reusable bag, I wonder if that was his. Or his wife’s. If they did their weekly shop in a mismatch of bags that looked like that or they were the type of couple to have a set.

His eyes are on me though, somehow here and not here. I feel the same way.

I look back to the cashier asking me how I was paying. She glances between Harry and I. I don’t look back at him. Or the growing queue a few feet away.

I take my groceries—just some items my mum asked me to pick up, and stuff them into the tote I’m wearing. Harry waits for me by the exit.

“Hi.” He says as his eyes scan my face. I do the same, taking in all the ways time had spent with him. It must have been good—he looked good. “I can’t believe-“

“A Whole Foods of all places.” I laugh. A grin splits his face but his eyes stay on me.

“That smile, that laugh. God I’ve missed you.”

“I…missed you too.” How I could miss someone I’d known for one year and then never again for nearly two decades…I didn’t realize it was possible until now.

“Are you busy?” He asks. “Maybe we can grab a drink or?”

“I don’t…drink.” I hated that I had to announce it to people. I was still at the stage where I was figuring out how to say it confidently, or find a way around saying it.

“Oh.” Harry glances down at my belly and I realize he’d misunderstood but it’s too unspoken to correct him. “Cafe?”

“Yeah. That sounds lovely.” Honestly going anywhere with him sounded lovely right now. I wanted to cancel all my plans for the day and just sit with him. Stare at him and catch up. I couldn’t believe he was here.

We walk in a comfortable but waiting silence, like taking a cold drink out to a park with the anticipation it’s going to be good , and no desperation to open it as soon as you get it.

“Usual? Tea?” Harry asks when we step into a nearby cafe. It’s big for a cafe but has enough students working on laptops to not feel empty. I nod, unsure how to feel that Harry still knows what I order at a cafe. Or that my order hasn’t changed since 17.

I find us a booth and pretty soon he’s sliding into the seat across from me. The two of us can’t stop smiling.

“Hi,” he says again.

“Hi…”

“You look good, the same but better.”

“I was going to say the same thing about you!” I exclaim. More smiling.

“How’s…I mean, how are you? How is everything? What-“

“There’s so much to ask-“

“I don’t even know how to ask what I want to know!” Harry laughs and I’m warmed from the inside out at the sound of it.

“This shouldn’t be hard!”

“No.” He scrubs his face. “I’m really buzzing that we’ve run into each other.”

“Me too. It’s a bit unbelievable.”

“I know.” He continues gripping his cup and not taking his eyes off of me. It’s the exact way he used to look at me when we were teenagers. It nearly takes my breath away. “You look good—but I already said that. Sorry.”

“No,” I laugh. “That’s all that’s running through my head.”

“Oh—I remember hearing you were engaged a few years ago-“

“Yeah.” I turn my hand so he can see the ring. “Married now. You?”

“Yeah,” he looks down at his own hand. He had so many rings on I couldn’t tell from a glance. “Coming up to 5 years now.”

“Wow. It’s only 1.5 for me but Tatum and I—my husband, we’d been since uni.”

“Took him a while.”

“Mhm,” it had been a sore subject way back then. Harry says it casually but he studies my face. I know he wants to ask more but he’ll politely maneuver around it.

“Are you happy?”

I let out a breath. “That’s more complicated than anything else you could ask!”

“Is it?”

“Yeah I-“ I shrug. “I don’t know if I am. But I also have no idea what I could do about it. So. There’s that.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” My stomach curdles with his words. I didn’t want pity, least of all from Harry. Harry. I can’t believe he was here. “I get it though. Everyone says your 30s are even more glorious than your 20s. We’ll see soon enough if they’re right.”

I meet his eye, they always intimidated me to look too long into. Even now, I glance back down at my drink. When I look up again he has a wry smile twisting his lips. He knew.

I was sorry to hear life hadn’t been as good for him. And then I understand, it wasn’t pity he was giving me. He truly was sorry like I.

I thought about Harry often. Of course I did. I liked to imagine him living out his dreams like he always talked about. I liked to imagine him happy and thriving.

“Do you ever think about us?” I have to ask. “If we did it all differently?”

“We would have had a 12 year old with us.”

Hearing him say it feels like someone had taken a screwdriver and opened me up. Raw and exposed. But looking at him I know he thought about her as much as I had. Both of us were apparently mourning a future neither of us had fought for.

“Yeah,” I breathe but I just sound winded.

“We were trying, at one point—Shan and I.” Harry fiddles with his ring. “Did all the tests and the trials and the shite. But no kids. It put a real strain on my relationship. I think we cracked instead of bending. And I don’t think either of us know how to make it right again.”

I grasp his hand and squeeze. “I know what that’s like. It’s hard. I…a couple years ago. I lost a baby. A baby boy. I felt like it was a punishment for-“

“Don’t.”

We hold onto each other, our drinks long forgotten. He holds my hand and it feels like being known again, like I wasn’t such an awful person. That someone could see everything I’ve done and still choose to have love for me.

“I’m sorry.” He tells me.

“Me too.” I bite my lip. With a sigh I let him go and lean back. Here we’d been so excited to bump into each other but we’d both been carrying sorrow and grief. It wasn’t very hopeful.

“So I guess you’re not drinking because you’re-“

“No.” I say, surprisingly without feeling awkward. “I’m just sober right now. Trying to figure out life without a drink.”

“Sounds like torture but I respect that. Sounds hard.”

“It was at first. I like the feeling now of thinking clearly. But I miss a glass of wine I do sometimes.”

We smile at each other.

“So do you live around here?” Harry broaches talking again after both of us had lapsed into silence for a while. I blink away the fog of the past.

“Yeah. You?”

“Nah. Shan’s out of town and I was feeling lonely. Came over to visit my sister. I’m just staying with her for the week.”

“Lucky me then.” I smile.

“Lucky me too.” He smiles back. It’s soft. We’re soft. It felt impossible to me after all this time the tenderness was still the strongest thing between us.

We chat a bit more, much about nothing. What we did for a job, anyone we still kept in touch with from school. Nothing that meant a lot.

“I need to head off now,” I say when my phone buzzes for a second time. “I was on my way to my mum’s. She keeps calling me.”

“Yeah. Don’t want to keep you.” Harry says but he stays seated. So do I.

We continue just studying the other until my phone rings again and I laugh. “It was…I really loved seeing you.”

I slide out and Harry mirrors me. I still come to his chest, he still smells the same and stands the same and looks just as handsome.

“How about uhm, how about dinner some time?” Harry asks. I knew it was coming, it’s still painful saying no.

“I…can’t. I…we can’t just do dinner, can we?”

“No,” Harry bows his head. We had too much history to just do dinner. From what he said—and I knew, both our lives were too complicated to add the allure of each other into the mix. I couldn’t do that to my life as tempted as I was. Especially not sober.

“Yeah.” He stands straight again and gives me space to head to the door. “Good seeing you. Give your mum my best if she doesn’t hate me.”

“She doesn’t.” I assure him. We stand awkwardly not sure if a kiss, a hug, or a wave was appropriate. We settle for a hug.

I remember the last time I was enveloped in his arms, tucked away into his tall frame. When we said goodbye forever, agreed to live our best lives separately. We’d both been too scarred to be anything together. Too much grief.

“Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Harry smiles at me when we part.

“Maybe,” I say knowing full well I wouldn’t do groceries on the weekend anymore.

With a final wave we both part ways again, this time it doesn’t feel as much like closure.

Age 35.

“Graduation’s graduating, what a mouthful.” I say to Andie. We sit in the parking lot of a local pub back home. Both of us had avoided reunions after going to the first one 10 years ago and being reminded of how much people liked to remind you of who you used to be. But this year Andie found out an old flame was going and single. And this is the first year I saw that Harry had checked off going. So we’d decided to go together.

I could have easily reached out to him. Asked him about meeting up there. But I didn’t want to come across any way. I remember our run-in 6 years ago. We felt the same way—we would do anything for each other, and I didn’t want any affect over him coming. Last I heard he was still in a relationship. Just cuz I was didn’t mean I had to ruin another.

“Okay. We going in?” Andie passes me her flask.

I’d taken to drinking again. Originally I stopped after a particularly bad night when I was 28. It nearly cost me my wedding back then.

I stopped to get sober. To feel what it felt like not to rely on alcohol to keep from feeling my emotions. I had a lot of grief I never processed. And unfortunately being sober, and processing the grief and depression, had ultimately cost me my marriage. But I was better for it. I knew what unconditional love and support was. I didn’t want to settle for someone who only loved me at my best.

Now I felt in control when I drank. I knew when to stop.

“Let’s go!”

“Do you think he’ll remember me?” Andie asks as we walk up to the place.

“You comment on so many of his posts. I think he does.” I tease.

“Gah. It would have saved me so much heartbreak if I just told him back 18 years ago how I felt.”

“Maybe,” I think about my confessed love 18 years ago and the heartbreak that ensued.

“Well at least I would have gotten him outta my system. Oh god I see him-“

“Hi ladies,” we’re stopped near the front and given name tags, making small talk with the girls working the booth. I vaguely remember them from a club but I have to read their name tags to pretend I remembered them at all.

Andie ditches me pretty quickly but I don’t mind. I find some friends I saw a couple times a year. Guess this was the couple time this year.

The whole time my eyes scan the room. People had brought their partners and I wondered if Harry would do the same. Deep down, I prayed he didn’t. I just wanted to see him.

I spot him halfway through the night. He’s leaning against the bar talking to Khalil. I remembered they used to be friends, he was always nice to me while Harry and I dated.

I watch him talk and drink. I lose him for a bit and then catch him leaving. Shite.

I excuse myself and rush out but nearly trip over myself slowing down. He was just outside for a smoke break.

“When did that habit start?” I ask. He nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Fu-y/n you scared me.” He shakes his face dramatically, like he’s getting something off of it. I bite back a smile, he was pretty drunk. “When did you get here? I didn’t know you came to these things?”

“I don’t.” I correct him. I couldn’t tell him I came for him. “It was just the name of this reunion, Graduation’s graduating. How could I pass it up?”

This earns a laugh. Eases the air between us. “Did you see Oli in there? He’s gotten bald.”

“He looks like his dad actually,” I remember his dad was always coming to Oli’s football matches, screaming at his son to run faster.

“Glad you didn’t end up with him?” Harry smirks.

“Oh yeah. I heard last reunion he just kept going up for the karaoke sober. If I want my bloke to embarrass me, at least give him the excuse of being drunk.”

“Shit,” Harry laughs. “I remember that! I remember! Wish I could forget!”

I laugh with him. “Harry you’re getting pretty close to drunk yourself.”

“Ah yeah. More than 3 drinks that, I’m being naughty tonight.”

I scrunch my nose, no idea what he’s talking about.

“I can’t believe you’re here tonight,” Harry says again. “I thought I wasn’t going to see you again for another 12 years after our last time.”

“Thought I’d halve the time.” I watch Harry squash out the butt.

“Glad you did.” He looks at me and I’m 17 again. Why couldn’t we both be single? Why did I come here knowing I couldn’t have him.

Maybe I was as masochistic as the person who invented maths.

“Yn?” A voice calls out to me. “Oi! It is you I thought I was dreaming you up! What a sight!”

I’d been avoiding Oli all night. Not anymore.

I glance at Harry and he hides a smirk. Oli notices Harry then and his face hardens a little.

“Oli! Long time!” I go in for the hug he’s reaching for, unsure why he was so sweaty on an autumn night. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” he grins at me. “You look good! Not a day over 25.”

“Don’t flatter me Oli,” I roll my eyes. “It’s not going to get you anything.”

“I’m not looking! I swear it!” He says earnestly. “I’m just paying you a compliment. It’s good to see you. Hey, I’m actually in a good relationship. Gonna propose to her.”

“Are you? What’s she like?”

I stand in the brisk evening as Oli tells me about his girlfriend. I’m happy for him, what we had in high school wasn’t really a relationship but I never wished him bad. He was a good guy, I was glad he found his person.

I change the subject when he asks about my love life, tell him I was getting cold. We head back in and I tell him I’d catch up to him later. I’d lost Harry and wanted to find him again. I had more I wanted to talk about.

“Khalil,” I interrupt him playing pool. He goes in for a hug and I engage in polite small talk until I tire of it. “I’m looking for Harry.”

“Of course you are,” he wags a finger at me. “I saw him leaving ten minutes ago?”

“Jeez really?” I couldn’t believe I missed him! After coming here just for him. Maybe he had to get home, maybe he had a kid by now. Had to tuck him in.

“He’s not doing so well since the divorce-“

“What?” I stare at Khalil like he’s spoken gibberish. Why hadn’t I heard about that?

“Ehm yeah. He’s pretty private about it.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. He’s been separated a few years now but he just signed the papers a couple weeks ago. I dunno. He gets kinda depressed around this time of year. Probably the weather.”

It was September. It wasn’t the weather.

I had to find him.

I brush past the people I went to school with. I followed Harry outside to a roof 17 years ago and today I follow him out to find him again. We needed to talk.

I look both ways, hoping for a miracle.

I spot a figure slumped on the far end of the road. I recognize the church, it was where we went every Easter and Christmas growing up.

I walk towards the figure until I can make out the hair. It was Harry. Thank god.

“Why’d you leave?” I ask him when he looks up to my approaching footsteps.

“I drank too much,” he hangs his head again. I sit beside him.

“I heard about the divorce. I’m sorry.”

Harry shrugs. “We separated a while ago. It was coming for a long time.”

“Yeah. Still.” I say.

We sit in silence, the only sound is our breathing and the faint noises from the pub down the road.

“She’s in her last year by now.” I say without further explanation. I know he’d know.

“Our baby’s 17.”

Our baby? I feel choked up. All these years we’d been apart, built our own lives, and there was still an our even when there hadn’t been.

“It’s always been us hasn’t it?” Harry says. “Nobody understands.”

“They couldn’t. We were so young, making such a big decision.”

“Oh y/n.” He leans into me and I wrap my arm around his shoulder. He’s cold, his jacket pooled on the steps around him. I gather it to spread over his shoulder but he stops me. “How much heartbreak can you have in one lifetime?”

I sit, aching for the pain Harry was going through. Knowing it was mirrored in me.

“I’ve had enough for a lifetime. I know that.”

“Me too.” Harry sighs. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.” I intertwine our hands. They still fit the exact same, all these years later. I examine them, but they looked the same too. I wonder if our baby girl ever looked at her hands, wondered who she inherited them from.

“D’you think she thinks about us?” Harry asks what I’m thinking.

“Maybe.” I say. “I like to think so. I just hope she doesn’t hate us for giving her up.”

“Yeah me too I think…” he hangs his head. I hear him sniffle. Seems like Harry hit the point of drinking where all you could feel is regret. I remember those days. I knew where he was.

When he doesn’t finish his sentence I fill the silence; “Me and Tatum split uh…four years ago now.” I update him. “You probably heard something about it. I remember my mum saying she ran into yours when it was happening. They probably talked all about it.”

I wait for Harry to give confirmation but he stays the way he is.

“I went sober a few years before then. Almost ruined our wedding cuz I was exactly where you were. Unprocessed grief and all I could do was drink about it. I’d given up a baby at 18, then lost a baby a decade later. It feels silly to say out loud, that something that never really came into this world—something the size of a fruit could act like the rock you push up the hill every morning. The grief you fight at your darkest times. How could we be haunted by something that didn’t even exist—not technically. But that’s just the way it was. And that’s the way it had to be when we were 18. I’m not always sure I made the right decision overall but I know it was a decision we had to make at the time. I’ve had to find my peace. So do you Harry.”

“Yeah. I-I have to. Y’know? Sometimes I wonder if I would have made her proud.” Harry sniffles. I had similar thoughts. My throat feels tight remembering. “I don’t think, right now, I would be.”

“She’s so loved. She is so loved Harry. Whatever…wherever she is.”

“I love you.” Harry turns to me. His face is raw with grief and emotion. “Never stopped loving you. But I don’t want to give you this version of me.”

“I’ll take any version of you Harry.” I reassure him. “I think we’ve seen too much of each other to be able to hide anything away.”

He tips forward slowly until his head rests on my chest. I hold him there, just like he’d done for me so many years ago. I tell him the type of thing that meant everything to me back then and I hope it helps him to hear it: “We’ll get through this Harry.”

***

“I don’t remember getting here.”

I look up from my book, Harry stands in my kitchen with a confused look on his face. It was weird seeing him here in my flat. But it was so right too.

“We walked home. I thought you sobered up.”

“Nuh-uh.” He takes a few steps towards me, hesitant.

“Coffee?”

“Maybe I’ll take a shower first?”

“First door on your right. Extra towels in the cupboard.”

“Thanks.”

We look at one another for a beat before he moves back. I make another pot of coffee and clean up from breakfast while he showers.

Next time he walks back in he looks a lot better. Smells nice too.

“Black please.” He says when I hold the coffee up.

I pour him a cup and watch him sip it.

“Thank you for last night.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” I tell him.

“I remember what you said to me. You’re right of course. I think I knew it, I just didn’t have anyone to talk to about it with. Nobody knew about us…”

“You didn’t have to keep it a secret ‘til this day Harry.” I was surprised he had. “You didn’t even tell any of your friends?”

“The only people who knew were my family, a-and Shan. But. Year after year it didn’t mean the same thing to her. I stopped talking to her about it pretty quickly. Think it made it worse because her and I couldn’t actually…”

“Yeah.” I understood.

“But I realized. I think it was losing both of you. I feel like you were taken away too. We just went from being around each other all the time to cold turkey. That was a loss too so…”

“Yeah.” Again, I understood.

“I’m 35. I’ve gotta…get my head on straight.”

I examine him. “Looks okay to me?”

He smiles and puts his cup down.

“I’m sorry to hear about your divorce.”

“Meh that was years ago. Hard then. Fine now. For the best.”

“I agree,” Harry moves around the table to stand where I am. My heart pulses just like it always does around him. He rests a hand on my hip, dragging it up to wrap around my waist. He must feel how hard my heart’s beating. “Did I tell you? That I love you?”

“Maybe?” I feel myself growing more present. The hole that always lived inside of me growing even smaller in this moment. It allows me to settle on the floor better; less air, more weight.

“Well I do. I love you. At 17, or at 35.” He says this with a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth.

“Well. I love you.” I return the kiss, relish in the way his hand grips my tank. “At 17, or 35.”

“Sometimes I wish I held on tighter at 17. But I look at you now and I’m excited to get to know you again.”

His words pour over me like honey. It was sweet we were still on the same page.

“I’m not letting you go this time.” Harry whispers in my ear. He pulls me in tight, swaying from side to side. “I want to spend 41 and 50 with you. I want all of you, every side.”

“Perfect,” I peer up at him. “That’s exactly what I want too.”

“And maybe one day,” he continues in a hush voice. “We’ll get a call from a young girl. She’ll tell us all about her life in a town up north. About a picture she has of her mother dressed like her father and her father dressed like her mother.”

“She’ll tell us she’s had a good life, and she’s thought about the people in the picture. She’d tell us she wants to meet them.”

“We would be able to show her the love we kept for her. Our love’s like a venn diagram, the bit in the middle is just for her. She’d know why she was born in the first place.”

“Closure,” I whisper to him. “We would know closure.”

I remember the day she was taken, how the loss of not even being able to see her felt bigger than the loss of her itself back then.

I think of a 17 year old girl, with green eyes and brown hair. With my smile and Harry’s dimples. My hands, and Harry’s height. She was loved by people, families, that she didn’t even know existed yet.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it’s meant to be it’ll come back.

As Harry and I stay intertwined in the kitchen of my flat, I send out a wish into the universe for her like I did most days. That she was healthy, happy, and one day curious enough to seek us out. That one day, she would come back.

Right now I focus on the man in my arms. The one I never thought I’d get to hold again. For now this was all I needed. I’d loved him, let him go, and after so many years apart, we were back.

#harry styles fic #writingsfromhome #harry styles x reader #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #fic #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry stylesxreader #read with caution #sad but hopeful #kinda nervous to post #this fic is qd

[dutifullynuttywitch]

A thief’s oath

Blades of Light and Shadow

Summary: Takes place after Blades of light and shadow 2. Autumn (MC) and gang have defeated the Ash Empress and merged the kingdoms. Mal wants to take care of his tired kit, so he makes good on his thief’s oath.

Pairings: Mal Volari X MC (Autumn Nightbloom)

Rating: Teen

1600 words

It’d been mere hours since that fateful decision to merge the realms. A cataclysmic change with repercussions they’d only begun to fathom.

Mal gazes out of the Light Army’s command tent, shuddering at the skeletal trees now dotting the green forests and the movements of shadow creatures roaming the landscape. The sky alternates between blue and purplish hues, late afternoon sunlight streaking faintly through rolling storm laden clouds.

Autumn, the Hero of Morella twice over now, had jumped into action, convening the leaders of Whitetower, Undermount, Zaradun, Flotilla, the Goblins and Ashen kingdom to discuss peaceful coexistence. They had been at it for hours, with Tyril, Imtura, Cherta and Willow working to influence their fellow delegates, Nia doing her best to advise king Arlan as Priestess of Light, and Valax mediating with the Ashen lords, all poring over quickly redrawn maps and borders.

“Who do you think you are, you insolent fool, to claim the lands south of Riverbend?!” King Arland glowers at a haughty Ashen lord, face contorted with rage.

Figures, Mal sneers, the powerful squabbling over land and power with complete disregard to us common folk.

At least his kit and their friends were doing everything in their power to do right by the people of the newly merged realm.

His gaze warms as he takes her in. His brilliant, beautiful Autumn. Her brow creases as she works with Valax to mediate between King Arlan and the Ashen Lordling. He notices the dark patches under her eyes. A tired tenseness in her movements.

In two strides he’s at her side, snaking an arm around her waist as he whispers gently in her ear.

“Kit, my love, time for a little break.”

“I can’t. Kindda in the middle of something.” She pecks him on the cheek, making to dive back into the negotiations.

Mal tightens his hold, and she huffs impatiently.

“Mal, we have to figure this out! If we can’t reach compromises, we risk war.. again!”

“I get that, Kit, but we’re talking a complete re-drawing of the world map, the integration of new cities and people… it’s gonna take more than a couple of hours crammed in a tent to figure things out and you all know it. You’ve barely slept over the past few days, and let’s not forget you just fought and vanquished a god. You need a break.”

He kisses lightly behind her ear, his hand moving from her waist to her lower back in soothing circles.

“Plus, I recall taking a thief’s oath a little while back.” He gazes at her, a small smirk tugging at his lips. “And I intend to keep it.”

Her eyes sparkle at the memory of stolen kisses, her body melting in his strong arms.

“Remind me again what that oath was, your magnificence?”

“Well, the first part was to whisk you away. It’ll have to be a temporary escape for now.” He whispers in her ear, nipping at the lobe and trailing soft kisses down the back of her neck.

Autumn flushes at his ministrations, a warmth building in her belly. She relents.

“A short break would be good. Tyril, Imtura, Nia, Valax, you guys fine if we step out for a bit?”

Imtura smirks knowingly at her friend’s flushed complexion. “Go, Autumn, we’ve got this.”

“Aw thanks, Immy, much obliged!” Mal smirks mischievously, wagging his eyebrows. He ducks out as an empty cup flies past his head, Imtura bellowing “I told ya not to call me that, landrat!!”

He takes Autumn's hand, strolling across the camp towards their shared tent.

She breathes in the crisp air, already feeling a little of the tension lift. “Thanks for this, Mal. I didn’t realize how much I needed a breather. Things were getting pretty tense in there.” She sighs wearily. “Honestly this is all a little overwhelming. Give me monsters and bad guys to fight any day, but politics… really not my cup of tea.”

“Hey, you were brilliant in there, Kit. Everyone listens to you, the Hero of the Realms. Don’t you ever doubt yourself.”

She smiles at his fervent tone, giving his hand a grateful squeeze.

“But you can’t always be there for everyone and not take care of yourself. We’ve both learned the hard way that doesn’t do any good…. So… let me take care of you.” He finishes softly.

“Mal, I love you.” She turns to him, her handsome rogue, and pulls him into a soft kiss.

“I love you too, my kit, always.” Mal deepens the kiss, tasting her, hands roaming freely making her gasp.

“Mal, tent. Now. “

He chuckles and leads her faster across the camp, stealing hot kisses along the way.

Soon Mal ushers her into their tent, lighting a few candles before settling onto the bedroll, gently pulling her down next to him.

“Now, about the second part of that oath…”

With a flourish, he produces a bottle of Celestial Vintage.

“… a bottle of the finest wine a man can steal! Swiped it from the tent of a pompous elven lordling.” He winks, flashing her a devilish grin.

She leans in for a kiss, chuckling. “Please tell me it’s the only thing you’ve swiped from our allies? Unless you want to single-handedly derail our peace talks...”

“You know kit, I’m all about redistributing wealth. And I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you.” He purrs against her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

“But don’t worry, nothing else of value’s gone missing. Thief’s honor.”

He grins and produces a pair of glasses, pouring them both a generous serving.

Autumn takes a sip, closing her eyes as she marvels at the familiar explosion of taste, the brightness of sunshine blending perfectly with the crispness of snow and sweetness of honey.

“Hmmm… just like that bottle in Undermount.”

She cracks an eyelid to see Mal gazing at her intently, a soft smile lighting his features.

“Our first date.” He leans in to brush his lips against hers, his breath ghosting her cheek.

“Hah! You admit it was a date!” She grins triumphantly, taking another sip of the wonderful nectar, feeling a delicious warmth spreading, slowly melting away some of her weariness.

“Well… yeah, it was most definitely implied.” He chuckles, a little bashful.

“Implied being the key word. Were you, Mal the Magnificent, great adventurer and seducer of countless Contessas, nervous to ask me out?” She bats her eyes sweetly, biting her lower lip to hide a smirk.

“What? No? Never! I just …. Figured I’d play it cool, considering your propensity to flirt with any and every two-legged creature in the realm.” He growls playfully at her, leaning in to steal a heated kiss, savouring the sweet effervescence of wine lingering on her tongue.

She smirks and straddles his hips, earning a satisfying groan.

“Oh, I see. You, my charming. Rakish. Absolute flirt of a rogue. Were worried I’d say no.” She punctuates each sentence with a kiss. “I wonder, my handsome scoundrel, how can I convince you that you’re all I could ever want?”

“Now that’s very easy, kit…” Mal whispers huskily, snaking his arms around her waist and holding her flush, trailing hungry kisses down her neck. “We can start by ridding you of all of these pesky clothes.”

All too soon, Autumn sighs, untangling herself from her lover’s arms, making to return to her duties.

She laughs heartily as she pushes him onto his back, losing herself in her rogue’s embrace.

Mal grabs her waist, tugging her back into a lazy caress. “Wait, kit, rest just a little longer.”

She kisses him softly, settling back into his arms. “You know, we’re really stretching this ‘break’.”

She considers, “You’re right, about these peace talks requiring proper time and patience if we want to get it right. I’ll suggest we relocate to Whitetower Palace for now. We’ll eventually need to travel the realm to help the communities rebuild.”

“I’ll follow you wherever you go, kit. As long as you’ll have me.” He kisses her softly. “Though I am happy we’ll be in Whitetower for a little while. I’ve been wanting to check up on the orphanage, make sure the kids are doing good.”

“Mal, have I told you how proud I am?” She gazes up at him intently. “I’m glad others are now seeing what I always knew about you, that under all this bravado, you’re a pretty honorable man.”

“S’nothing, really,” Mal smiles ruefully, “wanted to do good by you. Also, to give these kids a better life than I had growing up…”

“Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more.” She plants soft kisses along his neck and chest before continuing, a little hesitant. “Actually, we haven’t talked about what we’d do after all this… I was wondering if... if you’d let me help you with the orphanage?”

Mal looks at her in surprise “That’s what you want? To stay in Whitetower?”

“I want to be with you, Mal, and you’ve made a life here with your sister and Vivi, Nia, the kids… I’d love to be part of it. Plus, I’m an orphan too, remember? Kindda invested in helping you give them a better life.” She smiles up at him softly.

For a moment, Mal is speechless. Then he beams with pleasure, pulling her into a searing kiss. “I’d like nothing better, Autumn.”

“Well then that’s settled! Let’s meet up with the others and get about moving our negotiations into Whitetower.” She pushes up, quickly getting dressed.

“But there’s still wine left!” Mal pouts, searching around for his boots.

“To be continued, then.” Autumn smiles wickedly as she saunters out into the darkened camp.

#blades of light and shadow #mal volari #playchoices #blades of light and shadow 2 #bolas 2 #mal volari x mc #choices fanfic #blades fanfic #fan fiction #choices blades #choices #bolas #choices stories you play

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Skipped the day yesterday because my PC died, but I’ll try to write more replies today!

Starting with the ones related to our recently posted drawings~ But there are also some about twst characters and ships: Malleus, Riddle, Sebek/Jamil and many many more.

hipsterteller asked:

*sees Azul and Idia making out* welp someone better take a picture

I’m pretty sure Jade and Floyd are already on it. Maybe Ortho too, but for more wholesome reasons than the tweels…

hipsterteller asked:

Dang it Kalim…

He just HAD to ask Jamil to come back as soon as possible!

Anonymous asked:

~ 🎵 There goes the vizier hauling ass, like always 🎵 ~

Lmao thank you for the mental image of Jamil racing through the streets of Silk City in his big-ass robes. Looks like he forgot to get the food though... Maybe he and Kalim could have some fish for dinner?

You’re welcome~ Poor Jamil, getting food from the store isn’t even his job, but he was nice enough to go, and for what? To race right back through the streets of Silk City in his big-ass robes 😭

If Azul, Jade and Floyd didn’t bring them a pizza this time, they’ll have to have fish for dinner…

Anonymous asked:

Jamil is gonna murder these people, he doesn't care if he gets in trouble. That reminds me, does the...oh who am I kidding, of course they knew Jamil is acting like a snake by using Kalim again.

Jamil is so sick and tired of them, it’s been 30 seconds and he is already done LOL

They probably haven’t seen each other in quite some time, and Jamil isn’t planning on doing his subtle-Kalim-seduction thing in front of these three, but I have a feeling they’ll still notice that there is something going on between them. They know a snake when they see one…

Anonymous asked:

We seen the mafia Octavinelle often visiting Scalding Sands, but what about the Shrouds visiting there since they are often with the mafia?

Oh Ortho would love to visit, but he doesn’t usually get to go with the Octavinelle trio and stays by Idia’s side; and Idia probably hates the idea of visiting Scalding Sands, because it’s way too hot, and Kalim and Jamil are there, and Kalim is annoying and Jamil is scary, and the whole thing is going to be awkward, what is this really, a college reuinon? Yada-yada, mumbling Idia noises.

But still, they’ll visit them at least once. Even if Azul isn’t persuasive enough, Ortho’s puppy eyes are going to break Idia’s will for sure.

snowblub asked:

Whenever I see a post of yours and I know it's yours btw I look at what's there then forget I'm following you then go up to press follow and then realise that I do follow you. Short memory struggles... The amount of times this has happened is a bit embarrassing ngl.

But at least now you know that you got someone who would follow you a hundred times if possible?? I just thought to tell you.

AHHH This is so sweet of you?? Thank you so much. The fact that my drawings give you an urge to press follow despire already following is such an amazing thing to hear! <3 <3 <3

Anonymous asked:

I made the mistake of showing a newer friend your twitter account, I did warn them...😭😭😭

Like yes I like you BEACUSE your problematic, someone has to speak for us :(

~Anon &lt;3

Ohh, I hope you didn’t have a bad fight with them, Anon. Having arguments and even falling-outs with friends because of ship-related content is always unfortunate :(

We can only speak for ourselves, but if you feel seen/inspired by the fact that we have the audacity to post our problematic stuff, I’m very happy to hear that!! <3 Thank you for supporting us.

Anonymous asked:

I've also been thinking about how Malleus threw off the dom/sub radar, and I think it's funny if he throws off everyone else's radar too and even himself guesses whether others are doms/subs wrong like 90% of the time LOL that's how we got rollo & mal flirting with each other, both convinced the other is going to rail them later that night, only to be met with disappointment😔 it's okay boys, there are plenty of gargoyles in the sea....

Anon THIS! I COMPLETELY AGREE lol Especially with Rollo and Malleus; I don’t know if Rollo expected anything from Malleus (he was being a tsundere, that’s for sure), but Malleus clearly read the room in… his own way…

We like to joke that this happens because Malleus learned the art of flirting from Lilia.

Now I can’t stop imagining Malleus’ confused blinks when he learns about the dom/sub positioning of some of the couples.

Anonymous asked:

Do you think Epel would like Heathers?

I don't know, Anon, I think Epel wouldn't really get Heathers 😭 But he'll appreciate the fact that it's less "girly" and more intense.

Anonymous asked:

"azul is only hot when he's angry" anon here. i changed my mind. i saw the light. im a redeemed soul.

Ah Anon! It’s good to hear back from you and see that you are no longer a hater of Azul’s natural immeasurable sex appeal. I’m sure Azul would be very pleased to hear that (and sexy) <3

(But in all seriousness I do wonder what made you change your mind…)

Anonymous asked:

I don't know if he's ever expressed a desire to become one in canon, but occasionally I cone across fics and fanart that portray Riddle as a Prosecutor. Every time I end up imagining him as an Ace Attorney rival and then end up laughing because I picture Phoenix thinking 'I thought I was done with the Von Karmas.'

Anon, he fits the role of an Ace Attorney Prosecutor PERFECTLY, and he would be SUCH AN ANNOYING BITCH TO PLAY AGAISNT LOL We love Ace Attorney very much, so we also joke about Riddle being a prosecutor from time to time. I have at least one sketch related to this topic but we posted it on ko-fi.

Our go-to is usually to give Ace the Attorney role, not only because of his name, but also because him being confrontational with Riddle is always a fun thing to imagine.

Imagine Riddle’s angry sprites as a prosecutor… he’s even worse than some of the Von Karmas… at least he doesn’t use a whip I guess lol

Anonymous asked:

i saw this sebejami doujin on pixiv and Sebek is my favorite boy along with Ortho so, what do you think about their dynamic?

They’re intriguing! It’s always interesting when someone who isn’t Malleus gets Sebek’s kind-of-sort-of-approval (a very important achievement I know), and Jamil somehow managed to do it. Maybe it’s because he managed to sit through Sebek’s hours-long rant about Malleus’ grateness in that one vignette, but it honestly shows just how interestingly their personalities play based off each other. Jamil is constantly done with everyone’s bs, but he’s unfrotunately tolerant enough to take a passive role and listen. But he is also enough of a tease to enjoy Sebek’s “cute” and silly moments, like when he watched him almost fight a goat during the Glorious Masquerade event. So I feel like to him Sebek would be a massive pain in the ass (and let’s be honest, with Jamil – who isn’t?), but also have his surprisingly endearing moments.

But this is based on their interactions in the Glorious Masquerade event + that one vignette in which Jamil promised to listen to Sebek’s odes for Malleus lol

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

Do you have any headcanons of if it's revealed Lilia and Malleus are married or at least SHOULD be? Cause, again, the idea of Silver never questioning kisses and what not until NRC when they said I Love Yous and kissed in public and someone pointed it out is so funny to be

The thought has never occurred to me because to be honest, just like Silver, I never question anything that Lilia does lol

But I can picture some people from the NRC being confused about Lilia and Malleus’ relationship, because they’re definitely closer than just being friends… so while I’m not sure if they would think about them as a married couple(or who should get married), some people definitely think they’re banging lol

And Silver is very chill about it… if only these people knew the whole truth about Lilia’s relationship with both Silver and Malleus… marriage is the last thing that would come to their mind lol

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

Hot take: Deuce gives Jack boob-jobs aka when you put a boner between the pectorals aka breasts/boobs and either the person receiving would move against the chest or the one who's chest is being used would squeezed their chest together and bounce. Thank my cousin for this random headcanon, never needed to know this was a thing but here we are

This 100% should be a thing, and Deuce 100% should do that, because Jack deserves it!!

This also 100% wouldn’t be Jack’s idea, so… I’m looking at Deuce knowing that he has seen this before. What are you reading/watching in your free time, Deuce?

#replies #our aus #mafia au #sultan au

[aprillikesthings]

The next episode itself is a two-parter, and I think that rather than split them up I will just watch through, which might mean I have to reblog this post multiple times.

Finishing out season four!

s4, eps 12&13 Destiny

Usual reminder: this is a REwatch and there’s spoilers ahoy, I make a lot of bad jokes (some of which are Adult In Nature), I reference other cartoons, I make random asides.

(also, this time specifically, I had some alcohol)

Tbh? it's a lot like watching things like this with me in person aaahahaha I always want to pause and infodump shit -_-

lol Emily is destroying Shadow Weaver's garden

Emily acts like Mal the cat does sometimes. WHAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH you are not supposed to have that! Get out of there!

UGGGH

it's easy to forget how BIG Scorpia is??

LOLOL oh my god I went downstairs for like an hour and a half talking to my partners about the most random shit and then playing with the cat and also: I've had most of a can of wine.

One of these:

YEAH (that's a huge image)

so if these get weird: blame the wine I guess

oh also @corpseauthority and I picked out fake fur and minky fabric for the ears and tail of my Catra cosplay :D :D :D I'M SO EXCITED

OKAY BACK TO SHE-RA

the only thing better than Scorpia's "huh?" is Shadow Weaver's flat "what"

Shadow Weaver: no we need the other princesses Glimmer: well they're gone but-- Scorpia, Shadow Weaver, and Emily: WAIT, WHAT???

AND THEN

okay but is the guard telling you this Double Trouble

ROLL INTRO

that thing was not meant to hold four humans and a horse with wings

why are you SNIFFING HIM

Entrapta: "I don't know you" Micah: "Yes, you do. You stole my food." Entrapta: "OH YEAH! It was delicious :D"

oh god Adora's like "....but are you okay? we came here to find you 🥺"

and she's like YEAH I'M GREAT

"each more deadly than the next??? it's PARADISE"

I love her so much oh my godddd

Bow: "We're here to rescue you" Entrapta: "didn't I just rescue YOU?"

Bow mentions Hordak and Entrapta pulls her little new bug-eye mask down :(

Adora: so hey we uhhhhhhhh really need your help due to a terrible secret of the First Ones that nobody but us knows

"WHy didn't you say so???"

well that's a callback to s1 ep1

THERE SHE IS!! MY BABY 😍 I LOVE HER SO MUCH

nooo

anyway Kyle, Rogelio, and Lonnie come in and Catra's like OH UHHH so...what's happening

Lonnie: "we just got back from conquering another Rebel town" Kyle: ":D You should've seen us!! It was all:"

and then he kicks Scorpia's old locker, with the drawings on it, and Catra gets mad

Ironically the degree to which Catra is UPSET is making me ship them harder lol

bb you need a break you are getting feral

Man Lonnie has her number lol. "What is wrong with you? We're winning! Even you should be happy."

god I love when she's this deranged

she slams poor Lonnie against a locker

john cena dot gif

but also OH DO THEY REMIND YOU OF WHO YOU USED TO BE? HMM? what you really wanted??? what actually gave you something like joy or contentment????? are you trying to just erase any part of you capable of feeling good?????????

Kyle is RIGHT

The cinematic parallels between Catra and Glimmer in this episode ("forget my friends I'M IN CHARGE HERE and YOU NEED TO FOLLOW ORDERS") are *chef's kiss*

Catra realizing this isn't what she actually wants: part ....a lot

STOP REMINDING ME I HAVE FEELINGS!!

The other three leave, she yanks the drawings off Scorpia's old locker, then THUMPs her head on it. And then Double Trouble shows up!

okay wait tho the way she pauses and then thumps her head on it is so funny I wish I could gif it, it's so cat-like and also Very Emo

I don't think this is supposed to be funny but it IS and I cannot stop rewinding and laughing. I blame the wine.

THONK

help i've rewatched it like five times now

okay

lol right??

Me, when I was info-dumping my own fic at myself: is it weird to imagine these two banging??? Me now: nope

Double Trouble: "Apologies for the delay, kitten. I got ...held up...in Bright Moon"

Anyway they give a little speech about how the Princesses keep fighting and She-Ra is away

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK

(now THERE's an old fandom reference ahahaha)

"We can't let them return to the Fright Zone!" TOO FUCKING LATE

YOU STOLE HER GARNET YOU WOULD THINK SO

Anyway they argue about the possibility of Glimmer taking Scorpia back to the Fright Zone

GOD I HATE IT WHEN SHE'S RIGHT UGGGHHHH

lolol I am. like. less than ten minutes into the FIRST OF TWO EPISODES and i've hit the image limit.

#april rewatches spop #destiny

[fryingpan1234567]

MALCONNOR HEADCANONS I FELL DOWN A RABBITHOLE WHEEE

As much as Connor loves it when Malcolm is serious and distinguished, he loves it more when he lets his walls down and acts like a teenager. When he laughs really hard at a joke Leo’s just told, without hiding his smile with a hand or his shirt collar. When his cheeks are all puffed out like a chipmunk because he’s just shoved half a peanut butter sandwich in his mouth. When Annabeth bestows upon him a pink feathery boa and he’s dancing around the Athena cabin with his siblings, singing along to the Disney Hercules soundtrack, spinning the littles around. Every time Connor sees a moment like that, he falls more in love

Speaking of singing!! They’re both actually decent lol but Malcolm is better— it’s not uncommon to wander past these idiots at any given point in the day and hear them singing some cheesy Disney duet shit like they’re already married

It’s been said before but the Hermes cabin is narrowly beating the Athena cabin for Best Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan and Connor DOES NOT LET MALCOLM FORGET IT

Connor is more openly flirty, but it’s so easy to get him to blush Malcolm barely has to try

Literally all it takes is one wink from across the room or pressing a kiss to the underside of Connor’s jaw in passing (height difference my beloved) and Connor can’t function for like an hour

The shovel talk both of these two would get Jesus Christ

Malcolm’s favorite pillow is Connor’s chest

Also Connor is the only person who can get Malcolm to step away from his work for much-needed care

Because that dumbass will not sleep and eat for days at a time

Yeah they use pet names but they also call each other Con and Mal (DC and Descendants crossover? No way?)

They’re both fuckin Disney nerds smh (SAME HONESTLY)

Malcolm likes theater and musicals and Connor’s more into Marvel and Star Wars and things like that

Constant teasing, but no harmful pranks or anything like that lol

Malcolm is a morning person. Connor is not.

Most mornings, Con wakes up to Mal laying on top of him just like when they fell asleep, soft music coming from Malcolm’s phone on the nightstand while he reads some book waiting for Connor to wake up

Con is more of a no shirt + sweats kind of pajama person and Mal is more oversized shirt (probably Connor’s) and shorts/ nothing underneath

BOTH OF WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE TO THE OTHER AND IT CAUSES SOME FOCUS PROBLEMS THAT MEAN GETTING READY IN THE MORNINGS TAKES FIVE TIMES LONGER THAN IT NEEDS TO

Malcolm doesn’t drink, but he does get all delirious and shit when he’s super sleep deprived

Connor definitely drinks, but he just gets (somehow) more affectionate than normal

PDA to the max

Sparring!! All the sparring tropes!! It fits them!!

(Pinned to the wall/ ground? Both of them breathing heavily, faces inches apart? Going ‘fuck it’ and making out? USING THAT DISTRACTION TO GET THE UPPER HAND? Please)

The older sibling shadow gets talked about too much but. It’s true

They’re both night owls but Connor lasts longer because Malcolm gets up earlier

Con’s got the longest most complicated coffee order ever and then Mal will just be like “iced black coffee” and Connor’s just. Astounded. Every time

”HOW DO YOU DRINK THAT SHIT?” “It’s good, you’re just not used to it.” “THAT IS SO NASTY.” “Sweetheart, that drink you have could kill you if you get it enough times.” “BABE. NO. THAT WOULD KILL ME AFTER LIKE ONE SIP.”

Coffee dramatics aside, their food taste is actually pretty similar

They like the same snacks and candy and everything, at least

When they’re doin the competitive thing they call each other by their last names

They both would trade each other for a corn chip to win Uno (“DRAW SIX BABY BOY” “I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU”)

#malconnor #MY BOYS #I love them #riordanverse

[mewshuuartblog]

i been wanting to do this for months and finally motivated my lazy ass to do it lol

anyway more bio stuff under cut!

i have 3 different 'yuu's that i alternate through might have noticed that in my comics though i tend to draw sour!miu a little more just because she has a 'idgaf' attitude which makes hilarious situations.

All

all version of miu are ambidextrous, meaning they write with both hands. sour tends to write more with her left hand.

all three prefer to eat meat but only sourmiu and miu highly prefers meat. sweet miu will eat anything aslong as its good.

all three have the same coffin icon [as seen above] wonder wat that means lol

when asked about their home land they often say its much much hotter than the scolding sands.

Sour Miu

sour miu has a strong 'i dont give a fuck' attitude and a deathglare thatll make your blood run cold.

she dosent really care that she got teleported to twisted wonderland, so she has no true desire to find a way home.

though she appears very cold, she loves grim after spending so much time with him. she also loves lucius. whether or not this mean she likes cats is unclear.

this isnt to say she dosent likes the main cast, she just prefers grim more.

her favorite hobby is spying on kids around NRC. no one knows how she does it without getting caught. not even rook

[18+] its implied that she moonlights as a 'study partner' around campus late at night. this is because crowley dosent give her enough money to last a full month, so she finds other means to obtain money. there is also other reasons why she does this but refuses to tell, however, it seems crowley is fully aware of her 'study partner' gig and is scared/refuses to stop her????

another side hobby of hers is tormenting crowley, grim also enjoys this activity.

when asked about her age she purposefully gives wrong answers. its implied shes old, but no one knows how old she is.

has an incredible sense of smell

Sweet Miu

sweet miu is similar to sour, but is waaaaaaay nicer lol

sweet miu also moonlights as a study partner, but she actual helps students who struggle in their classes. kalim frequently meets her in the library with other students late at night. this is a side gig she does get paid for and is seen as a better alternative to azul [which he loaths]

she loves to cook and has been asked by malleus on more than one occasion to help lilia [you already know how well that went without me having to tell you]

much like sourmiu, she doesn't have a real desire to go back home.

is the only one out of the 3 miu's who actually has an age, 17.

has a huge crush on azul despite his shady business practice.

in the boardgame club, she loves games of chance, cause she sucks at strategy games and often loses to azul and idia.

Miu

miu is kinda just regular, shares similar stuff to sourmiu but acts much more normal lol.

literally fell head over hills in love with malleus at first sight.

she called malleus 'horton' up till the song and dance competition. she now calls him by his real name. [with the exception of 'mal' or 'malmal']

often has to bail ace, deuce and grim out of trouble.

in the beginning, miu did wish to go home, but as time went on she came to love her friends, malleus and grim especially, and had mixed feeling on what she wanted.

for some reason, when asked about her age she keeps forgetting what she said. its become a running gag that she cant remember her age. though this has become highly suspicious.

she loves to make her own clothes and has actually created her own wardrobe along with grims herself.

has no idea what a 'herbivore' is

is deathly afraid of vegetables

#twst #twst oc #mew art #need this so i can keep my own shit together lol

[thesmokingguns]

The Darkling Sunshine

Word Count: 2715

A/N: There is one scene scene in the show and book that I did not agree with and really thought that should have went the other way. Yes it would have changed the entire story but you know for the better. This is just my reimagining of the scene where Baghra tells Alina she needs to go. I did write Alina in the ‘I POV’ and didn’t use her name.

YOUR POV

“Oh Saints.” you had no sense of direction. Mal had tried to teach you by pointing at stars and giving them names but what help did that give you as you rushed through stone hallways on command on Baghra.

Baghra, the mother of the Black Heretic.

You did believe her that he was her son. You believed that he was the man who created the fold and you did trust that he was planning on using it as a weapon but there was something gnawing in your gut about what else she said. Was Aleksander trying to make you his slave or did he see more in you?

Part of you wondered what he could see, a poor orphan girl who had been sent to the army to draw maps but instead wasted paper daring mythical creatures. You who didn’t understand the way the grisha were meant to live and who made mistake after mistake. You, who he had just been kissing.

There had been an anger in his kiss, you could taste it as his teeth gnashed yours and his hand slid your skirts up to your belly. But hadn’t you been angry as well? There was so much happening and everyone was pointing you in different directions, wanting to control you. But maybe you needed to stop and start asking questions of your own.

The Night air was cool and you were thankful for the black kefta that you had on as you emerged by the stables. Everyone was still inside the Little Palace celebrating the grisha’s performances. No doubt they are all talking about you, the sun summoner. These same people who had for years ignored you now kneeling down before you.

The power had felt…amazing.

You needed to gather your wits around you, looking around and realizing there were more enemies than friends. Especially after Baghra had said some grisha were loyal to her. You were given two options: you could run and hide or you could sneak back in and talk to Aleksander. Both options terrified you.

Where would you go if you ran? What would you do? The world was at war and the Fold existed like a black scar across the land, an emptiness that you couldn’t travel around easily. And if you went back inside you would be surrounded by silent enemies and a man who was powerful and could have been using your affection as a toy. He could be trying to bed you just to get you closer to him, instead of actually wanting you. But didn’t you deserve answers?

You were torn.

It was hard to describe your feelings for General Kirigan. It was different from how you felt about Mal. Mal was this comforting presence in your life, your best friend who had been there for you at all the worst times. You had known that he would always be there for you and that safety had provided you a comfort that had been what you thought was love. But Mal hadn’t seen you that way. Instead he tumbled in the darkness with anything that had a mouth and legs. Grisha or soldier. Mal didn’t care as long as he could press his strong body into someone and forget. He just never had wanted you.

But with Aleksander, the way he looked at you made your heart stop. He understood the burden of your gift but also the magic you couldn’t see in it. When you two had kissed the first time you had tasted his surprise, the loneliness on his lips. And you had understood him then because you had been lonely like that for a long time. There were layers to a man who was branded one way and your fingers itched to peel them apart, to see who he was under all the shadows that swirled around him.

“Oh Saints, I hope I’m doing the right thing.” You turned quickled slicing your cheek on a sharp corner of the barn. Your blood slid down, staining the gold embroidery of your kefta. You were quick in shrugging it off. Wiping some of your blood on the fabric and letting it fall down to the ground of the barn as you turned, looking at the hidden way you had come out of and knowing you were going to climb back up.

You had questions that needed to be answered and you weren’t going to just let them not be, And if Baghra was right you were going to be making the worst mistake of your life, but if she was wrong. You breathed out, this could be the start of your life and not the continuous running away from your problems that you had been doing.

The Darkling POV

‘Y/N?” I strode into the room, looking for her. Heart racing after the assassination attempt and needing the weight of her in my arms to make sure that she was safe. “Y/N?” I turned to look into my bedroom, hoping I had taken too long for her.

The empty room took my breath away and I struggled for a moment for control over my emotions. Fear. I had fear for the first time and I had to grab at my heart that was trembling in my chest to verify that it was true, that this was what I was feeling.

She was gone.

My breath struggled and I was weak, giving in for a few seconds before the cool familiarity of my anger slid into place. My hand knotting in a fist as I turned rushing from the room as I felt teh sneer on my face.

Mal.

Pathetic little tracker boy who had realized that as soon as someone else got their hands on Y/N they would see she was special. He had a lifetime to be with her and yet he had chosen wrong time and time again.

I had been wrong, thinking that their childhood lovesick story was over. Had done so well in intercepting the letters that they wrote each other, burning them after reading about how they confided in each other, playing with words to avoid using words of true feelings. But Y/N had stopped writing a few weeks ago and Genya had stopped asking about the tracker so I had thought it was fine.

Now he had come into my palace and he had taken her? He would pay for this. He would pay for this greatly. And he better not have touched a hair on Y/N’s head.

Striding across the grounds I was panting, out of breath as I gre angry with the thought of how I would find them. He idea of her under him letting him rut against her like a dog twisted my stomach, making bile burn my throat. But as I looked up, I saw her.

My mother and knew that something was wrong.

“He’s not here.” she said cooly and I knew she knew who I was looking for but I played along with her anyway.

“Who?” She was wasting my time and I think she relished in seeing me like this, seeing me hurt. Not everyone had all the graces that came with motherhood and mine had too many years to let me down.

“The tracker. Yes, I know about him and your little mission.” Baghra was strong and trained all the grisha. I had given her too much power in touching so many lives. Power that I was regretting now because obviously she had formed bonds and connections with people who were loyal to her over me.

That would have to be dealt with at a later time. Right now I just needed to find the tracker and rip him limb to limb. Find Y/N make sure she wasn’t hurt and bring her back inside, keep her safe. I just needed to keep her safe.

“What have you done with him?” She wanted to play games and I knew by now I had to play along for a little bit to get the answers I was searching for.

“Disposed of along with your hopes of killing the stag.” Ah so she did know about the stag. The stag that would give Y/N more power, let her really unleash her light onto the world.

My little saint was going to be stronger than me and I couldn’t wait to see her shine. This would be my greatest gift to her. The way I would express my feelings to her, to show her that I didn’t care if we weren’t equal. I would give her the world just to be by her side.

“I always have hope, mother. Even you can’t kill that.” She thought I was evil. Fine. Let them all thing I was evil. They didn’t understand the weight of keeping grisha alive. Y/N would. She would understand me.

“That isn't hope. That's greed. You would use y/n against the rest of the world.” I didn’t give her any emotion. There was no way I was going to let her know that what she was saying confused me endlessly.

For years my mother had stood beside me and helped me protect the grisha. She remembered how we were hunted and treated so above all else she should understand the sacrifices that needed to be made for our kind. And here she was, standing against me as she talked about the world like it wasn’t full of people who wanted to erase us.

“You mean against our enemies? Without me, there’s just her. Standing alone She is all that matters now, not me. She is the future She is the one-”

“Yes, but where is she?” Now this, this I did not like.

She had taken Y/N from me. She had taken her and done something to make her leave. What had she done  to poison her against me or was it so easy that she had just told her who I was and she had run away, afraid of me? Y/N liked the old stories, the stories that were my memories but were her history. She smiled, as she recited the tales of the black heretic, looking at me and not knowing that the story she told was mine.

And now she knew and she was gone.

“Careful, you don’t really matter anymore either.And if you put her in harms way think about what I might do.” I turned, the anger was too much now but the hurt was there and surprising me with its ache.

She had chosen to leave. Chosen to go. Chosen that I was not good enough for her. She had made me her villain and if that was what she wanted, I would play my part.

“General Kirigan.” I stopped, freezing as Ivan held up her Kefta, stained in blood. My head turned to Baghra as her mouth fell open, hand coming up in shock as she saw it too. I took it, my hands feeling like they were trembling as I touched it, smearing it.

“It’s fresh. Send out troops to find her and make sure she isn’t harmed. I will head out in the morning. The King must not know about this.” I knew Ivan could be discreet, knew he was at least loyal.

As he rushed away I turned, holding the bloody kefta, eyes narrowing as I looked at Baghra now.

“This blood is on  your hands.” She didn’t know what to say to that, letting me turn walking back to my rooms, holding the kefta and hoping no harm had come to Y/N. Maybe she had been forced to go. Maybe I had been wrong to think she would leave so easily.

All I cared about was her safety

Your POV

The stairs were endless and where they led confused me more and more. I was exhausted, dried blood on my face as I finally pushed open a door, stumbling inside  and falling to the ground. Deep struggling breaths for what seemed like miles of climbing. My thighs and calves ached from the exercise. All that champagne instead of water not doing me any favors. I wiped at my face, cursing as I reopened the cut and watched my blood spill out on the floor to General Kirigan’s war room.

My foot kicked the door closed behind me and I laid on the ground for a second, trying to gather the strength to stand again.

The door to the room opened and I knew it was him. I could tell from the way he strode in, heavily stepped and confident that he was here.

My eyes closed as I sighed out, safe. I hoped.

“Aleksander.” I said  his name, pushing myself up. He was told me quicker than I expected, helping me stand as he looked at me. His eyes wide in surprise. He had thought I had left him, he thought I could leave him.

“Y/N. I thought that…you’re hurt.” he touched my cheek, my blood on his finger smearing it as he moved me towards his room, sitting me on his bed as he kneeled beside me, holding my hands in his.

“I know who you are, Aleksander. I know that you’re the Black Heretic. But what I don’t know is what you want from me and what I am  to you.” It felt silly to ask these questions to him. To ask this powerful man who I was to him.

I wanted him to say I was more than just one of his grisha. I wanted him to single me out and to feel special. But I was afraid that he was going to say that I was just a piece in his puzzle. The weapon he needed to make the fold do what he wanted. But I needed to know. I needed to know if I had made a mistake coming back here.

Aleksander stood up, walking away from me as he poured a glass of water, handing it to me as he looked at me, hand to his mouth as he thought.

“Let me call for a bath for you and for Genya to heal you. We can talk of-”

“No. Aleksander, please.” The tears were in my eyes as I begged him and he sighed, dropping to his knees in front of me, the emotions on his face so prominent that I dropped the water, neither of us caring.

“Y/N, you’re the future. You’re going to save the grisha. You can destroy the fold or we can use it to bring peace to a world that knows nothing but war. We can save so many lives. Grisha and not. And…and we can do it together. You and I as…equals.” I nodded my head, understanding what e was saying.

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I had wanted to-

“And…I’m afraid that I’m quite in love with you, Y/N and you have presented yourself to be my greatest weakness.” He looked so vulnerable then, so unsure of himself as he told me this and I knew it hurt him to be weak. But this was what I needed from him.

I slid down, landing more in his lap than on the floor, cupping his face, fingers over the beard as I pulled him to me, kissing him to seal my fate. I had come back to him and I was glad of it. His hands were wrapped around me, lifting us from where we kneeled by each other on the floor, pressing me into the bed as he covered his body with mine. His hand slid over my cheek, stopping as I flinched.

“We have talked. Now you must let me get Genya here to heal you, my little saint. Please, let me take care of you?” I nodded, allowing this as he got up, stopping as he turned, looking at me in his bed, “I’m going to love you for eternity, you do know that?”  he asked as I looked at him, tilting my head.

“And not a day less.” He was so beautiful when he smirked like that, when he allowed himself happiness. And I wanted to be that for him.

The Darlkling’s sunshine.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bones #the darkling #the darkling fanfic #the darkling fan fiction #Ben Barnes fan fic #general kirigan fan fic #shadow and bone fan fic #shadow and bones fan fiction #ben Barnes fan fiction #Ben Barnes fanfic

[terraliensvent]

Okay here is something I’ve been wanting to talk about.

I hate seeing people who have had their entire reputation and career in art destroyed by the Mods (Pony and Mal are just 2 of the examples I can think of) just sit there and watch the staff get so much recognition, love and support.

Mal is a genuine person, I’ve talked to them one on one many times and they’re absolutely amazing. I don’t know much about Ponyzilla because I frankly do not want to support them ban evading on toyhouse and drawing nsfw as a minor.

But atleast with Ponyzilla they somewhat fixed it by having people donate to them and Kina.

My thoughts on this situation is that, both Pony and Kina are massive artists, whilst I understand why they did it for Kina. But for Pony?? They have several other social medias they could just advertise their art on and probably already do that.

They destroyed any chance of some smaller artists like Mal to get what they deserve, appreciation and recognition. Their art is genuinely amazing. I think they deserve the same support they all gave Kina and Pony.

In fact not only should Mal get that support, recognition and appreciation. But other small artists should too.

I know this is old drama but I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while.

im not really gonna touch specifically on pony and mal in the way you did because i just dont know them and i dont know much about them

BUT what i will say is that the way they were totally run down by terra staff (mainly coy and civ) was unforgivable

im not religious but like that whole “he who is without sin can cast the first stone” bs, like terra people forget how coy and civ both did really weird things, coy posted nsfw to their story (pic of a deer getting f//ngered with just a heart emoji over the butt to cover it) and civ posted nsfw on toyhouse as a minor (which is still up btw! you can scroll back in their gallery its there)

like they arent without fault either! but since theyre popular people kinda sweep it away and act like it doesnt exist

also remember when mal was in the chats was talking about how they got a new terra they liked (originally designed by coy) and civ came in like “uhmmmm not to be that person but arent u on coys blacklist, im sitting right next to them and they say u are so :/“ when at that point in time, mal was never on the public blacklist and it made a whole thing of it for nothing, like why do you want to cause problems so bad??

#closed species #closed species vent #terralien #terraliens #vent

[anna-neko]

aight @sol-draws-sometimes, I'm just gonna slap a bunch of words here before forget We gonna be keyboard smashing back and forth a bit

so yeah.. Jackrum is most complex on the genre spectrum, every nuance and then some

A big strong farm girl went to war; she buried that metaphorical part of herself with William's corpse but clearly she didn't remain in the Army because of big He ambitions. She saw other girls (many, obv far too many) scrambling to enlist for So Many Desperate Reasons & decided to stay in his position to help them. Just like all the rest (all the girls in the squad) she isn't here for reason as basic as "i wanna be a guy" like... not in that way

but but but but, remember all those times Sarge says "upon my oath, I am not a swearing man" (or violent, or shouty, or other adjective) Technically always a true line, innit.

If pressed to fill out a form post-war sarge would probly scribble down "Abomination Unto Nuggan" and leave it at that

ALSO WHILE IM HERE isn't it interesting how Shufti is other side of that coin!??!?! So similar yet opposite to Jackrum Girl followed guy into war, guy she thought loved her..... and it turned out terrible, but at least in her case she could proudly leave the Army, have a child, get a widow's pension and even found another guy who def seems to care about her

ANYWAY, while my book [HarperCollins ebook] does keep the final Sarge kitchen line with the "around her", when Polly is meeting new potential recruits she does say "Oh, you can join as men if you want. You get better swearwords" ... maybe it was just your audiobook gettin a bit too snip-happy with the abridging?

Because the rest of the pronouns game was on point! Especially keeping it "he" with Maladict after everyone else admits to being girls BUT MAL TECHNICALLY HASN'T YET (and won't until what, almost the end??? when they've met Angua!! Pages and pages after it's been obvious)

Lofty & Tonker have no use for men, clearly. but also... like... after the Magdalene Laundry Bad Girls School.... i may be in minority here, dont see them as gay either. Clutching at each other as found-family sisters, absolutely! Manic violent revenge-and-retribution seeking sisters

ditto for Wazzer. She's such a good pious girl, she's got too much of the Dutchess in her head to notice anything else

and now that this is done and you'd like to find ALL the literary in-jokes: https://www.lspace.org/books/apf/monstrous-regiment.html Stuff like very specific War references, or Songs parodies

All the lil oral puns & footnotes is why Sir pTerry in audiobook format is most impossible for me. I need to be flipping pages following all those lil asterisks (and repeating a line to myself for ages trying to figure out WTF the joke is. "the day is A Great Big Fish" haunted me for months!!)

PS: what font changes?

#bookclub #discworld #monstrous regiment

[shellyseashell]

PRINCESS AUDRIA ROSE

name & meaning: i have no idea why i started called her audria but it’s an old english name that means noble strength so it fits i guess.

age & birthday: 16, probably a spring birthday

sexuality: lesbian with a looooot of comphet

height: 5’3

powers: you’re going to tell me she grew up in the moors and didn’t learn SOME magic? she can probably do very minor charms.

mbti: estj, the executive

background: as with mal, i base my headcanons for her off the 2014 maleficent. through that, i see the moors/ulstead as very tense allies (because they took away their protector, maleficent, and the dark fey won’t forget about that, and neither will aurora), or straight up not being a part of auradon.

either way, she grows up in the moors, and not with her grandmother (who i’m pretty sure is dead). her perfectionism instead comes from knowing her mother didn’t get to grow up as a princess, so she has to be the perfect one to make up for it, and that maleficent and mal (who should be protecting their kingdom) are not there, so it’s up to her to protect her home.

despite not knowing maleficent or mal, she wishes she could meet them. they’re family she’s never met.

residence: the moors and ulstead castle

affiliation: the moors, ulstead

weapons & fighting style: swords

miscellaneous:

- she genuinely likes people, though sometimes she struggles to show this. it comes from growing up around fey.

- wants to know her place can’t be taken away, and in her mind, being queen is the only way to do that.

- she isn’t sure she believes all the stories about maleficent but she knows enough to want to meet her

- i’m not sure if she’d attend auradon prep. depends on the au i guess.

- despite how much she likes people, she’s insanely good at holding grudges

- her arrogance is mostly an act, because she has to be perfect

- she likes drawing

- she does ballet

- her and aurora give each other makeovers a lot

- theater kid

- wants to be more than a queen, but she’s settled herself to that being her role. but it feels like there’s something missing in her life.

- loves arguing even if she doesn’t believe in what she’s arguing for. it’s for the sake of a fight.

- she’s a heavy sleeper, so sometimes she’ll wake up and panic that she slept longer than would be normal. often, she just doesn’t sleep.

- she loves to sing

- she has an insanely decorated sword

#descendants headcanons #disney descendants #audrey rose

[brandybradyrandyandyndy]

Got tagged by @official-lauchzwiebel

Thanks for thinking of me!!! :-)

So...

1. What are you currently reading

Rico, Oskar und der Diebstahlstein by Andreas Steinhöfel; Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg; and still Twilight bc I couldn't get myself to pick it up again since the last time I was asked this question 🥸

2. Best movie I've seen in the cinema last year?

Honestly? Actually Puss in Boots - The Last Wish. I immediately fell in love with the animation when I first watched the trailer and when I went to see the whole movie I was completely carried away by the story too! I love this movie so much. Kitties and puppies 😭😭💞

3. What do you usually wear?

In the summer? Button-up/t-shirt + shorts + funny socks + crocs

In the winter? Sweater (with something collared underneath) + high-rise jeans (in any color with any leg width except skinny jeans) + funny socks + docs or crocs boots + the purple winter jacket I got from the h&m men's section only a few weeks ago but I've been wearing it non-stop bc it's exactly the kind of jacket I've been looking for for years and I finally have a cool functional winter jacket in my favorite color!!! 😩🤌💜💜💜

4. Star sign? Celebrity etc. you share your birthday with?

Leo, and I share a birthday with the episodes Eclipse Lake from The Owl House and Wishmaker from Miraculous Ladybug 😌

If we're going with real celebrities like singers or actors.. I was born exactly one day before Tristan Göbel :-)

5. Do you go by your name or nickname?

Depends. My close friends and family mostly call me Lenny, but I always introduce myself to new people with my birth name.

6. Did you grow up to what you wanted to be as a child?

Even as a child I never knew what I wanted to be and I always wrote "weiß ich noch nicht" in that empty space in the Freundebuch, so basically yes bc I still have no plans but now I'm studying languages 👍

7. What's something you're good/bad at?

I'm pretty good at crafty and creative stuff like crocheting, sewing, drawing and all that. Also learning new languages comes pretty easy to me, but I'll probably withdraw this statement after I've gotten back the results from my uni exams that I have yet to write...

Something I'm really, really bad at is being consistent with something. There's always something I'm forgetting and when it comes to important stuff like uni I often can't get myself to even open the uni website on my laptop as if I was paralyzed. Ahaha, anyway on to the next question...

8. Dogs or cats?

See, I'm the person who claims that they like both. And y'know I do like both. When I see someone walking outside with their dog I'm the one excitedly squeaking: "SCHAU MAL EIN HUNDI!!! :-)", but when I see a cat I get even more excited and in my head I'm like: "!!!!!!!!!!!!" bc I don't want to make too many loud noises and scare it off (you know I wanna pet that kitty!!!)

9. If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your fav picture/line/something you created this past year?

The tiny Sendung Mit Der Maus-Maus I crocheted :-)

10. What's something you'd like to create content for?

Tough one. First of all gzsz bc I'm basically the only funny fanartist they have. I mean I've seen some artists drawing realistic portraits from screenshots but that's why I say I'm the only funny one out there. Anyone can redraw a screenshot but I'm the only person willing to draw Maren and Katrin or Michi and Tobias kissing, so even if my sketches look messy and I post so inconsistently that I'll never get more than 3 notes on something I still think I'm doing a more valuable job than people who redraw something that's already happened only for the sake of flexing how realistic their artstyle is. (It's a different story tho if the redraw is stylized!!! There's so much personality to stylized art!!)

So... To come back to the original question. Gzsz definitely, maybe some crossovers like my ml au as well shhshshss, Miraculous Ladybug in general, also Osomatsu-san or Owl House and all that stuff I'm currently watching. Tschick. Yeah.

11. What's something you're currently obsessed with?

Just scroll through my blog for a while.

Besides that? Crocheting. I love that you can do it while watching something, so I feel like I'm doing something useful even while watching AWZ 😩

12. What's a hidden talent of yours?

Nobody peels mandarin oranges and clementines like me! I always peel them in a spiral pattern and almost never fail!! 😤💪

13. Are you religious?

Nice try Gretchen. I'm not gonna answer that.

14. What's something you wish to have at this moment?

Right now at this exact moment? Nothing really. Bin grad wunschlos glücklich, als hätte ich ein halbes Erdbeermarmeladebrot mit Honig verzehrt und würde mit leerer Gedankenblase irgendwo rumliegen und den Rest meines Tages genießen 🍯🍓🍞

Tagging @tofufei @midnightxxcrisis @9puppiesdrowninginapool @jofngve and of course everyone else who wants!!! 😸💕

#tag game

[talimlbcnart]

Fiquei muito feliz em conhecer seu trabalho e saber que temos outros brasileiros (já que a maioria que encontrei que falavam português eram de Portugal), eu amei muito sua arte e forma de construir a narrativa, mal posso esperar para o próximo capítulo de Miraculous Bnha.

Mas eu queria te perguntar, como você cria as comics, pois eu tenho planejamento de uma, mas é minha primeira vez, e bem... é melhor pedir dicas para quem está mais acostumado com isso. Pode responder em inglês se preferir.

Aww, thank you <3. (Eu vou responder em Inglês já que a maioria dos meus seguidores não falam Português).

To be fair, I don't know if you meant to ask like how I come up with ideas or how I draw the panels for the comics and such. So I'll try to answer both.

Coming up with Ideas:

Usually when I start a comic I think about it for some time, I come up with some scenes I'm my head first (and the basic "lore" for it if its an AU) and just have fun imagining different scenarios. Most of the time I take inspiration from other people's ideas or even my everyday experiences.

When its a long comic tho (SuAU, RoommatesAU, etc.) I prefer to write it on my phone. The dialog, describe the scene. It's not always that I can sit down and draw it, so I prefer to write it so I don't forget my ideas.

Drawing:

This is the most fun but also difficult part. My best advice is: have fun with it.

Try diferent angles, use as much reference as you want, take inspiration from other artists's comics and styles.

You don't have to make it perfect on the first try, that's why we make sketches. Sometimes I sketch 6 pages in a row and keep all of it, sometimes I change 70% of it. I love sketching, its a fun and quick way to put your ideas in the paper without having to worry if looks good or not.

When doing panels, pay close attention to what yours caracthers are doing. If they are waving in a panels the next one they should be in the middle putting their hand down. This helps the reader to not get lost on what is happening.

That's why I don't like to re-use panels, I feel like it takes the reader out of the story and make them remember "oh yeah, this is just a drawing."

Immersive Scene:

Another thing I love to do is incorporate simple day to day behaviors in the caracthers. I like to imagine my comics as just a bunch of screenshots. The action is happening and you're trying to take pictures of it. Think about how you and the people around you would act if put in the scenarios the caracther's you're drawing are.

Exemple: Two caracthers are having a conversation and one isn't paying attention. How do I show that to the reader? Maybe they have their head resting on their hand, looking away from the caracther who's speaking. Maybe they are playing with something or checking their phone.

Another thing I try to pay attention to is the background. Are the surroundings important to the story?

If yes, try to draw some background so the readers know where the caracthers are. Is it night or day? Are they inside or outside?

First Exemple: my roommates au comic, I wanted to introduce the audience to their apartment, so I'm made sure the FIRST panel was focused more on the background. Then some simpler panels after and the last one was to show their kitchen (that was covered in the first panel).

Second Exemple: My valentines day comic, I wanted to show that it was cold and they were outside but I didn't want to disctract people from Deku's face expressions and the fact that Shouto's jacket was too big for him. So I'm put light blue and white on the background and a bunch of snowflakes on top of everything else. It showed they were outside, it's was cold, and Deku's was tiny compared to his friend. I didn't have to draw an entire street for that, heck I didn't even draw panels on that one.

Painting:

Colors can add so much to your story. And it doesn't have to be lots of it either. Sometimes sticking with just one pallet can work to your advantage. It saves time and helps to convey the feeling you're going for.

It's a sad scene? Desaturated colors, mostly blues and purples.

A happy scene? Light yellows, greens and whites.

A warm, cozy scene? Light reds, yellows and oranges.

Watching some videos on color theory might help too, especially when doing shadows and stuff.

Anyway this is all I can think of. I hope it helped. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask, I'd love to answer them.

#talianswers #comics #artists on tumblr #art

[witchthewriter]

Is it okay If i ask for three ships? Grishaverse, The 100 and harry potter.

Things About me:

I'm 5'3, isfp hufflepuff (does that matter??)

I like drawing, I am a bit of an artist stuck in art block but i draw whenever I'm inspired. I indulge in listening to music a lot since I don't really like silence when I'm alone for too long. For that being said, I like spending my time alone usually but sometimes I like the company of someone I'm close to. To be said I'm a bit of a loner and really quiet to the point someone might think I'm mute but I just don't have much or know what to talk about. I'm friendly, a bit timid and shy but I like being kind to others and don't mind discarding my plans for them. I tend to be angry or annoyed easily whenever I'm with people I don't really feel good about. At times I can be cranky and grumpy but I soften as well. I dislike going to the same place or doing the same things, It usually ruins my day like that, another thing i dislike are people with no morals. I also have a bit of fear of dogs and heights. Whenever I get excited I'm usually more talkative and open but later regretting it after. But overall I'm chill! I think abour what people think of be as a lot since I'm afraid of them thinking I'm weird. I can say I'm a bit of a people pleaser becausee I like being kind to people. I can be emotional and sensitive and get overwhelmed easily in big situations. I try to help as much as i can in situations even if it overwhelms me.

I hope didn't overshare 💀💀

Want to be shipped? Here be the instructions 🦋

Hey! Thank you so so much for participating my love <3

What each ship has in common:

⋆ Reserved/prefer to be around certain people ⋆ Stands up for what they believe in ⋆ Adaptable ⋆ Independent ⋆ Loyal

𝐆𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

Mal doesn't like the spotlight, he doesn't want to be with someone who he has to share with anyone else. And I think that's how you guys would connect. You said you don't like large groups and I really think he doesn't either. He prefers one on one.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・He likes to gift you things; your favourite food, jewellery, scarves, etc. Anything he thinks you'll like

・Will go to the ends of the earth to protect you

・Can see when you get nervous/overwhelmed and helps you instantly. Taking you aside and doing the deep breathing aid.

・Having a very flirty relationship

・Spending ALOT of time alone with each other - to the point where you forget that there is other people in the world

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝟏𝟎𝟎

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I chose John Murphy because I think you match well with characters who feel the strong need to protect/care for those they care about. However, it's different. Not like Clarke or Bellamy where they care for the whole group, no. With Murphy it's only you he cares about. Only you he would save the world for. Everyone else can suck it.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Probably being quiet enemies at first. Like you just went along with the group, hating Murphy. It wasn't until you got to know him that you felt comfortable enough to show your true opinions/personality.

・He LOVES seeing you smile!!!!!

・Expect him to throw hands at anyone who makes you uncomfortable

・It's you two against the world

・Knowing what each other is thinking without the other having to say a word

𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐷𝑒𝑠𝑐𝑟𝑖𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

I think Neville would be the best out of all these ships for you. In terms of you suited your personality, your likes and dislikes - especially the fact that you like to have your alone time. Or rather, spend your time with selective people.

𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠

・Stands up for you no matter what - he will always have your back and defend you.

・PROTECTIVE AF; doesn't let anyone f*ck with his baby.

・Will literally take you anywhere you want to go; listens to your problems, I definitely feel like Neville would be the best bf

・HAND HOLDING HAND HOLDING OMG. Kissing your knuckles, the palm of your hand, the back of your hand

・Spending time together but no need for conversation. You can be doing completely different things but there's a comfortability between the two of you, that no one has to talk.

#open ships #let me ship you #ship game

[dani-luminae]

Right, got distracted by you killing off a character for a second 😂

My whumper self naturally loved Ben straight up collapsing from exhaustion and the gentle caretaking from Mal, Beast and Lia (or at least lia's attempt). I don't know if you meant it as a burn on D2 /D3 Dude or not but Lia forgetting Dude's name made me chuckle.

But knowing Melody is dead (apparently? Or is she? Since you said you'd 'fix it' 👀) puts Ariel's quick bond with Lia in a new light 🥺 their relationship is so sweet and Ariel giving Lia her journal just 😭 I loved it!

Lia was ready to fight those reporters for Ariel, and frankly, I say let her.

Again I love every interaction Ariel and Lia have and the song scene in this chapter especially because in my head I keep seeing

Because they keep going "I can relate to x experience or x feeling you're having", it's great.

"In Ben, she had come to see the might of a star like herself" SHE WANTS TO STAY AND PROTECT HIM 😭 BUT SHE'LL HAVE TO LEAVE HIM EVENTUALLY

Lia sitting with Ben while he's asleep, drawing him (with her powers which is freaking cool) ugh, one of my favourite otp things 😭

10/10

Poor Ben collapsing. He needs a nap. At least everyone's being very gentle with him after everything he's been through 🥺🥺🥺

And yes, Lia forgetting Dude's name was kinda meant meanly on my part. I wish I could forget that dog as easily as she did.

I don't wanna give away too much on the fate of Melody... but I wouldn't count that reporter's words as a trustworthy source. I'll be elaborating on that, and this won't be the last time we hear of it. In the meantime, I think Ariel's definitely semi-adopted Lia, and Lia will definitely put her new journal to use!

I wanted to let Lia fight those reporters! But then Lia would never have heard "Part of Your World" and realized how alike she and Ariel are, so no fighting today. Lia getting to hear "Part of Your World" is intrinsic to her understanding, because as it's said in the chapter, she didn't fully realize the similarities from Ariel's tale alone.

YES I'M STILL LOSING MY MIND OVER THOSE MOMENTS WITH BEN AND LIA AND I WROTE THEM

It's probably going to be so nerve-wracking for Lia when she does have to leave him, even for a few days at Seaside!

Yes OTP moments are the best!!!!!

[cashweasel]

Can you um ... Mal? Please?

Milk man ;)

#mal volari #blades of light and shadow #don’t mind me just trying to empty my ask inbox #excuse the thirst I don’t control it #i forget get how much I love drawing Mal #and his haaaaaiiiirr #I love his hair #DAMN BOI DAMN BOI HE THICCCKKK #ask #playchoices #choices stories you play #play choices #my art

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Draw your swords, pt. 13

Summary: Terrified of losing Y/N, the Darkling lets his defenses fall.

Warnings: angst, slight fluff, sexual content

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five // Part six // Part seven // Part eight // Part nine // Part ten // Part eleven // Part twelve  

=================================

“Stay with me”, the Darkling trembled as he rushed back to the camp. He held her body close to his chest, her head slumped right where his heart beats thunderstorms in her name.

She’s slipping away, he can feel it. The injuries she suffered and the power she used weakened her irreversibly.

He should be angry with her, enraged, but he had no strength to spare for violent emotions. His heart couldn’t bare much more than the pain he found himself drowning in. It wasn’t the pain of his own wounds, rather the pain of her parted lips and ragged breaths that came like final gushes of air her lungs released.

“HEALER!” He shouted, hoping, praying to the Saints he never believed in before.

“HEALER!” There was something in his screams for help, an unimaginable pain behind it.

Y/N’s fingers twitched, her chest rising in a strange manner; what should expand with an inhale suddenly draws in, a paradox he had seen in dying soldiers.

“HEALER!” It was the kind of scream that went straight for the heart.

Everyone tensed, following the Darkling – a man who never showed genuine emotion other than rage. His call for healers felt like a cry from the heart and soul that stretched across the foundations of who he is. The anguish tore through him as he saw a healer run toward him.

Letting out a shuddered breath in relief, he collapsed to his knees. “Not me!” He growled as the healer tried placing her hands on him, “Help her! Save my wife!”

Nodding, the healer looked down at Y/N with wide eyes. Another healer arrived too, then another, and another.

The Darkling refused to let her out of his embrace as two of the healers tried to take her away. “No!”

“We have to take her”, the first healer insisted. “She doesn’t have long and we have to act fast and that’s not going to happen while you’re clinging to her!” Eyes wide, she covers her mouth as it dawns on her who she’s speaking to. “Respectfully, General.”

Staring at her with raw suffering, Aleksander licked his trembling lips. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to her temple instead of her forehead – forehead kisses in this moment would feel as if he’s kissing her corpse before her final rest. 

He couldn’t stomach that thought.

“If you die, I’ll never forgive you”, he whispers. 

This isn’t how it’s meant to be, how it’s supposed to be. He could never believe anyone ever loved anyone the way he loves her.

Nothing ever made him so frightened as the thought of losing her.

“Take her”, Mal tells them. Looking down at Kirigan who seemed incapable of standing back up on his own, he realized he had to take over.. “And send someone for your General. Send everyone for the wounded in the field.”

Aleksander looked up, jaw clenched and eyes swimming in tears he has yet to shed.

“I’m not leaving”, Mal quipped. “She’s my General.”

Y/N wasn’t able to scream, despite the pain darkening her mind. She tried to focus on her breathing, on staying alive. The only awareness she had was of Aleksander’s arms around her – she felt his scent. When he touched her face, when he tried to gain her attention, she couldn’t open her eyes. Her ears kept ringing, mixing with a rumbling inside his chest. She managed to blink her eyes open once, just one more time to see him, but all she managed to get was a glimpse of his chin and beard.

She wondered how he’d look without it, if it would make him seem boyish, softer. Maybe it would have erased the burden on his shoulders - they may be wide, but they shouldn’t have to carry all that weight alone.

Suddenly, his scent was gone. She tried to reach for him, but her arms could not move, hanging freely instead. Cold seeped in, clinging to her insides, wrapping itself around her heart.

Slowly, her agony had faded. The pain gradually lifted, dissipating like fog. For a moment, she wondered if this is what death feels like – no more pain? No more suffering? Being alone and cold?

Despite everything, if she had a choice, she’d embrace the pain. If pain means she would return to him, to his warm arms, she’d gladly suffer.

Dizzy, confused, she felt herself being pulled up into reality. The disjointed haze receded enough for her to make sense of the world around her. Her eyelids feel heavy as she opens her eyes, the edges of her vision flickering. Blinking fast, her eyebrows knitted as her vision blurred.

‘Aleksander’, she wanted to call, but couldn’t say a word. 

How odd it is that he’s the last one she thought about when she thought she’d die and he’s still the first one to come to mind when she wakes? 

She no longer felt cold. He always had the ability to keep the cold away.

Sniffling, she jerked her hands away as she became aware of another’s touch. Sitting up on a table she was laid upon, she pulled herself aside before looking to the one who touched her earlier.

“It’s just me”, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “I needed to see you.” His voice is soft, sweet like honey.

Scoffing, she narrows her eyes at him and the cup of water he held out for her to take. Her mouth is dry, her throat like sandpaper. She may be angry with him, but the water he held out felt more important than their fight.

“Are you in any pain?” He asks, watching her drink all of the water in one go. “I could have them come and take it away.”

Letting out a loud sigh, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Raising an eyebrow, she licked her dry lips.

“Can they take you away?”

Snorting, he suppresses a smile. As long as she’s capable of annoying him, she’s going to be fine.

“What were you thinking?” Threading his fingers through his hair, Aleksander frowned. “You could have died.”

“Would have saved you a lot of trouble in the future”, she quips. Standing, she stumbles.

Feeling his hands on her waist, Y/N felt her heart skip a beat. Even now, when she’d like nothing more than to walk away, her body reacts to him. Looking up at him, she inhales sharply as she sees the tears in his eyes.

“I’m scared”, he admitted and she blinked.

“Of what?” She frowned, “Me?” Does her power frighten him? Because it frightens her.

He shook his head, “Of me”, he looked at her. His hands trembled as they touched her skin, “I’m scared of hurting you.”

“I’m scared of you hurting me, too.”

Dropping his hand, he takes a step back. “I don’t think I’m capable of ever hurting you.”

“Tell that to my neck”, she remarks. Her hand brushes over where his hand had tightened its grip just the night before, fixing his gaze on him. He seemed to regret it.

‘Good’, she thought. ‘I hope it haunts him, because it will haunt me.’

“I apologize”, Aleksander swallows thickly. He can’t remember the last time he apologized to someone. A part of him questioned if he ever apologized for anything he’s done in his unusually long life. “I had no right to act the way I did.”

“You once told me I could choose the way to punish you if you ever hurt me”, she takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.

Aleksander nods, “I’m a man of my word.”

“What’s your name”, she asks. “Real name.”

His eyes locked on hers like magnets of different polarities. Isn’t that exactly what they are? She’s his polar opposite in every way, fated to attract.

“Aleksander Morozova.” He uttered a name long forgotten; a name he wanted to forget. 

Aleksander was a weak boy who failed everyone that cared for him. He was soft, young, naïve and a damned fool for ever believing Grisha would ever be free. Even now as he elevated their status, Grisha had to serve a human – the Tsar.

Her eyes held barely contained anger. As her hands clasped, a few stray flickers of light appeared on her fingertips. Unclasping her hands immediately, she raised her chin up. “I want to know everything. Tell me your story.”

“And when will I hear yours?” Darkling demanded, swiping his thumb under his lower lip.

“You seem to mistake this for negotiations”, she maintained eye contact defiantly. “Last night you told me to either go back to the Palace or to cross the fold and return to my father. It’s a choice that would easily mean I can choose to stay with you or leave and never look back.”

Placing a hand on his chest, Y/N smirked. “You can either tell me the whole truth or watch me leave.” She spoke through gritted teeth, “Don’t push me unless you’re willing to lose.” 

Cupping his left cheek, she allowed a luminescent glow cast a light on his handsome features. She was angry, so angry and tired and her own power often terrified her. For once, she wanted to use it for her own benefit rather than hide it.

“What good will it do?” Aleksander’s bottom lip quivers as her light illuminates tears collecting in his dark eyes. “You’ll hate me as they all do. Even my mother saw me as a monster.”

“I’ve seen what you really are. And I never turned away…what makes you think I will now?”

She felt his jaw clench under the palm of her hand as he swallowed thickly, “You would if you could see my heart, all of it.”

Exhaling through her nose, she shook her head. Her eyes soften, her lips parting. How could she ever be indifferent to his suffering? She wished she could be colder, to leave him in tears and not look back. Hearing his words, his belief that he’s unlovable tugged at her heartstrings. 

"Have you no faith in me?"

In a fight, they’re lethal, but around each other their armor is gone.

“I’ve waited for you for centuries. I dreamed about you for hundreds of years before I ever saw your face. I longed for you, missed you, died and lived for you.” Taking her face in his hands, Aleksander bends. His forehead meets hers as his nose brushes against the tip of hers.

“Ever since I laid eyes on you, my dreams have been clearer, focused on you. And in my dreams I am kissing your mouth and you’re whispering ‘where have you been’”, his eyes overflow with tears as he continues with a fractured smile. “I say, ‘I’ve been lost, but I’m here now’.” 

Swallowing thickly, he felt as if his heart was breaking. “You’re the only person who has ever been able to find the real me. You saw me underneath all the darkness.” Reaching for her hand, his fingers tremble. “I was waiting for you without knowing it. I’ll make up for all the mistakes, for all the years I was supposed to be kissing you.”

“So why is it so hard for you to be honest with me?” She whispers, her hands trembling as they hold onto his shoulders.

His frown deepens, “Why weren’t you honest with me?”

“You once joked and said I’m no Inferni”, she shrugged. “You were right about that. My mother was. Father never knew about either of us. Your turn.”

“I was honest”, he sighs. Stepping back, he frowns. “I told you my name, I answered your questions about the black heretic.”

Reaching for him, she felt her heartache intensify once his tears began to flow freely across his cheeks.

“Don’t”, he recoiled from her touch. She wrapped her arms around her own waist, hurt by the rejection. 

“It’s not easy for me to talk about my past. It’s as if I’m cutting myself open, letting the ugliness spill out. It’s not painless.” Swallowing thickly, Darkling’s eyes widen as he tries to hold back more tears from escaping him. “It would have been simpler to close myself off and find an unremarkable lover who’d never dare defy me, but I keep taking the risk because I want to be with you and I hope that one day you will feel the same way about me.”

“I want”, she stopped, tucking her hair behind her ears. 

His voice was quieter, “What do you want? I’ll give you everything.”

“I don’t know”, she replied honestly. “I’m hurt, Aleks. You hurt me after you promised to protect me.”

Running a hand across his face, wiping his tears away. He averts his gaze. Watching her break because of him deepens the cracks in his poorly stapled, bleeding heart.

“What do you want”, she looked to him with a weight in her chest. How can loving someone hurt so badly even when the love is reciprocated?

“Never mind what I want”, he turned away. Facing her now would have chipped away at his fragile sanity, so he did what a coward would – he hid.

“You asked what I want”, she placed her hands on her hips. “I want to know what you want.”

Shaking his head, he let out a breathless chuckle. “You”, he smiled. “I’ll always want you.”

Closing the distance between them, she closed her arms around his neck. Before she could reach for him, he gripped her by her thighs and lifted her effortlessly. Wrapping her legs around his waist on instinct, she got lost in the rush of blood to her head when he pinned her against the table behind her. He paused, searching her eyes. 

Whatever he was looking for, she hoped he found it.

“I don’t own you”, his eyes flicker to her lips as she sinks her front teeth into the soft flesh of her bottom lip. “I never did. Human or Grisha, you always owned me. I was just too blind to see it.”

Brushing his lips against hers, Aleksander smiled in resignation. His eyes are so different in moments like these, softer than she ever imagined eyes could be.

“Your silver tongue won’t get you far”, she struggled to keep her eyes open with his lips a whisper away. “But you’re free to try.”

She felt his burning gaze, finding it hard to concentrate on much besides breathing. He observed her, capturing her soft, naturally charming and appealing nature. She’s genuine and sweet, the reason why everyone’s head turns when she walks into the room.

How did he not realize it before?

She’s the sun.

She always was. 

He always did squint angrily at her like he does with the fireball in the sky.

Y/N’s hands ran up and down his chest as her lips claimed his - passionately, roughly, determinedly. Without a word, she started to unbutton his kefta, her cold fingertips brushing his warm skin - until she lost patience and ripped the bottom part wide open, pressing her palm against his chest as he broke the kiss.

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows in concern.

“I’ll be mad at you tomorrow. Kiss me”, she ordered, drawing a smile on his lips as she pulled him closer, her lips reattaching to his, her teeth sinking into his lower one.

Pushing him onto the floor, she didn’t waste time. Her bottoms were down so quickly he hardly had time to take a proper breath before she unfastened his pants too.

Heaving, Aleksander could hardly get enough of the view on top of him - her beautiful mouth opening in pleasure every time she sunk down on him, her eyes rolling back into her head, her hands placed over his chest to keep herself steady. She speeds up, prompting his loud, uninhibited moans that drew an honest smile upon her lips. He trusted up and into her as his high hit fully, taking her by surprise. She gasped, his thrust giving her an unexpected release as she clenched around him.

Gasping for breath, she laid on top of him. Y/N was very aware of his arm around her as it pulled her close, his hand on her hip, giving it a light squeeze. He leaned into her, his lips pressing a tender kiss to her temple, making her tingle with anticipation of something more - something she shouldn’t think about after their argument.

How can she trust his change of heart has nothing to do with the fact she’s the Sun Summoner? How can she ever trust him at all?

Clearing her throat, she pulled herself off Aleksander. “Put something on, someone might come in”, she told him as she secured her pants back on. She could hardly look at him, afraid he’d weaken her resolve. She couldn’t forgive him so easily, even if her heart ached for him.

“Let me in”, a voice from outside the tent made Y/N look to the entrance with a frown.

She crossed the distance swiftly, her hands ready in case she had to use her sword. She goes to place her hand on the hilt only to find her sword is not on her.

It’s a good thing that’s not her only weapon.

“Hey!” She shouts at the Grisha as they pulled someone away. “Stop!”

“General?!” Mal laughs as he manages to look back at her, fighting against the Grisha.

“Mal?” She chuckles, glad to see he’s still alive. 

“Leave him alone!” She orders, feeling a presence behind her. She didn’t need to look to know it’s Aleksander. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t in the mood for anymore talking.

“You’re alive?!” Mal goes in for the hug, but his eyes catch a glimpse of Kirigan’s glare and he slowly backs away. “We need to regroup.”

“How many have we lost?” She frowns.

“You’re Grisha now”, Aleksander speaks up. “You don’t have to fight for the humans.”

Glancing over her shoulder, she scoffs at him. How could he even think she’d give up on her people now? 

“That’s not something I’d like. I enjoy my humanity.”

She was the flame who lit his life on fire and while he was burning, he wanted to thank her for it and ask her to stay a while longer. Darkling nearly chuckled at the thought of calling her fire, but she is and he craves the burn.

The Darkling wanted Y/N to be the one addicted to him, in equal measure as he was addicted to her. He wanted to give her a reason to stay with him, if not for love, then for lust. He’d find a way to her heart in the meantime and knowing they’ll have a forever comforts him, but he needed to have her in every other way until then.

He knew he could make her truly happy if she’d let him and he wasn’t about to let her go.

Not without a fight.

Watching her walk away with the soldier, he clicked his tongue. Mal, whoever he is, poses a threat he needs to handle.

Swiftly.

=============================

A/N - I struggled so much writing this chapter, hope you guys like it. I’m probably gonna pass out now, I’m exhausted. xx

Tags: @bruxa0007 @rangotangomango @kaitlyn2907 @thestoryofmylife9 @shelivesindaydreamswme @hxrgreeves @safetyhtom @kaqua @savannah-elliott @all-art-is-quite-useless  @azure23x @girlmadeofavocados @ashdab2611 @acciorudolphx @ladyblablabla @wckedheart @xceafh @sanna2020 @tarkanelima-blog @takethee @mellifluous-cosmos @marvel-ousnesss @tea-effect @starlightofsolaria @p3nny4urth0ught5 @blackbirddaredevil23 @sarcastic-and-cool @slytherinsbiggestproblem @within-thehollowcrown @notthatchhavi @musicconversedance @freakytillthemoon @lgkoval @honeyofthegods @queenmalhinewahine @misselsbells06 @whatthefluffrichard @aami98 @britriestbr @itsfangirlmendes @padme-parker @readingsssssssss @runawayolives @thehighladyofasgard @emlynblack @keithseabrook27 @dailydoseofchoices @deceivedeer @olympiacosplay @pansysgirlfriend @extrakyloren  @daybleedsintonightfa11 @thoughts-and-funnies @weirdowithnobeardo @folkloresworld @remugoodgirl @yagorlemmalyn @gonehopelessgirl @fefethecoffeeaddict @naughtynecromancer @poison-of-the-ivie @strawb3rrydr3ss @supersouthy @theilliterateironman @evyiione @kimoranelson03 @wizardwheezes @woodsabby6 @liajiah @its-carlerrr​ 

PART 14

#the darkling x reader #the darkling #aleksander morozova x reader #aleksander morozova #general kirigan x reader #kirigan x reader #general kirigan #shadown and bone