#i fucking hate tumblrs system

[tiddygame]

i’ve stared at this for so long that i now hate it and think ive lost all concept of how to write so take this and get it out of my google docs

the introduction is rough and the medical depictions (and accuracy/realism) could use some (a lot of) work but whatever! here it is, my vague yet still oddly specific idea of how the face reveal would go in @myriadblvck ’s streamer au:

tw: description of a panic attack? i think?

[this takes place post first irl meet but before they’re officially together]

imagine ghost has a glasgow smile but on one side they carved a little too deep and left some nerve damage. time and surgery helped, after which he could eat unimpeded and talk without a lisp, but there's still some facial nerve damage and/or skin contractures from scarring, specifically around the corner of his mouth.

now, everytime he smiles, be it shit eating grin or a full genuine joy filled smile that not even grumpy mcgrumperson could hold off, it always looks wrong because one corner doesn't raise fully like the other.

everything else is fine, there isn’t any facial paralysis, he just smiles… wrong. especially since only one eye properly squints when he smiles, giving him the look of someone who got stuck mid wink.

if he wants to look “normal” (or as normal as he could get it) he has to manually squint his other eye. still, it always felt weird; you don't realize how much those muscles affect the rest of your face until they're gone.

it's why he learned to always wear the mask.

when his expression is neutral, you don’t really notice it. if you can see his mouth when he talks however, it’s obvious that there’s something wrong. he wouldn’t say he’s necessarily ashamed of the scars and damage itself, but it’s the stares that are the worst. before he started hiding behind it, people would openly gawk or even glare at him as if he was some ne’er-do-well gang member that got what was coming to him.

he still remembers the cosmetic surgeon that had been talking to him about fixing the contractures— the whole appointment was a fucking nightmare. the cuts had healed nicely enough especially considering how bad it could have been; he was lucky to only need a little cosmetic help. the only reason he was there was so he could fucking eat food without struggling to open his mouth.

the doctor spent god knows how long breaking down everything wrong with his face like he was a fucking car mechanic lying about how dirty your filter is. the guy constantly mentioned that while he was under, they could also fix his jawline, do a rhinoplasty, trying to break him down to agree to more work.

he was already fuming my the time the doc brought up how kids would react. asking ghost if he wanted to scare children since “you cant expect the little youngins that are still learning about the world to not get scared by something scary,” and that “even some adults would cringe at the scarring.”

what stuck out most was the condescending smile he had when he said it. as if he was pointing out the obvious and ghost was being stupid and shortsighted by not agreeing.

he declined everything except what was medically necessary. the procedure went fine and after an aggravatingly long recovery period, he could eat solid foods again without issue. but the comments still stuck with him.

…okay, maybe he’s a little ashamed.

scaring kids with your face doesn’t feel good and being reminded of everything you’ve lost when you try to smile can really fuck you up in a way words fail to describe.

so yeah, he hates it. he’s gotten used to the mask, both skull clad balaclava and simple medical mask, being a permanent layer of armor. even now that he’s a bit more comfortable in his own skin it still feels wrong to pull it off.

when he gets close to soap, it still feels like a layer of vulnerability that he’ll never be prepared for.

the first time he let soap see his face, there hadn’t been any grandiose build up, no extravagant planning.

simon had arrived just a few hours earlier. he hated commercial flights with a burning passion but it was always worth it to see johnny.

with soaps twin out of town for the week, he had decided to take leave to spend time with his friend, a friend that he most certainly did NOT have a crush on (a disclaimer roach and gaz heard everytime they started snickering over ghost taking leave.)

johnny had cooked something nice and simple for dinner, saying that simon had spent too long with MREs and deserved real food (ghost only agreed if he was the one washing the dishes, soap had laughed and told him he's not so kind as to let him off the hook for chores).

when they ate, it was always in the living room with johnny taking care to always stay angled away from simon, never trying to catch a glimpse, regardless of how much he wanted to see what was under the mask. the obvious gesture of kindness and respect for his boundaries always left him feeling all weird and fuzzy inside. but, then again, johnny seemed pretty good at triggering that feeling in general.

their finished plates were on the coffee table and johnny was watching whatever dumb movie he had put on. he was pretty sure the man spent more time talking over it and making fun of everything than he did actually watching it (it was simon’s favorite way to watch a movie.)

ghost however, was watching soap. thinking.

in the end, it was an impulsive decision made after a strong three seconds of consideration.

“you uhm— you can look by the way,” ghost stared at the can of soda in his hands, immediately regretting the words.

“what?” soap didn’t fully turn, just shifted slightly to hear him better. a simple gesture to show he was listening without turning to face him. it normally made simon happy to see that johnny was more than willing to accommodate for his boundaries. now though it made him feel stupid for robbing johnny of a normal face to face conversation, a normal human interaction, just over his idiotic insecurities.

“my face, you—,” he felt his heart block his airway and tried clearing his throat before continuing, “you can look if you want,” christ he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. why was he getting so fucked up over this?

“are you sure?” he hadn’t turned yet, but ghost could see his pensive expression from here. this should be nothing. realistically, he knew johnny seeing his scars wouldn’t suddenly make him hate him… right?

“yes.”

but it was more than the fear of hatred, wasn’t it? he was scared that johnny would see him. see more than just the scars, see all of the ugly idiosyncrasies and insecurities laid bare. afraid that johnny would see the truth of how unlovable he was.

jesus he was getting so fucking worked up and dramatic over nothing.

ghost didn’t look up. he made an effort to not focus on his peripheral vision. he heard soap turn, heard the intake of breath. the silence was loud only for a second. then, deafening white noise surrounded him, inescapable, suffocating.

fuck.

he didn’t regret giving permission but god did he regret everything else; the stupid scars, the stupid nerve damage, the stupid way he had managed to fall for someone so fucking good like johnny while he was unequivocally unworthy of his love.

stop being so fucking dramatic. you are not together, never have been and never will be. reality was blatant in front of him but it didn’t stop his heart from foolishly hoping.

he heard soap stand and walk closer. saw from where he was still staring a hole in the can his feet step in front of his. saw johnny’s hands raise. he took a deep breath in, closed his eyes, and with a great deal of effort didn’t flinch when soaps fingers grazed his cheek.

both of his hands came up to cup his face, holding him and ever so slightly tilting his face up, giving him the chance to pull away. he didn’t. he may be a coward but he wasn’t backing down.

ghost eventually opened his eyes to see soap staring at him with wide eyes. he looked away, staring off to some point on the right. he hated not knowing what soap was thinking.

they stayed there for a while before soap broke the silence, muttering, “i fuckin knew you had freckles.”

it was stupid but it shocked a laugh out of ghost. he meant to drop his head, embarrassed that something so dumb made him laugh, but accidentally just pushed himself further into soaps hands making him blush.

he looked up and saw soap staring even harder than before. the chuckle died in his chest.

“do that again.”

ghost just gave him a confused look.

“smile.”

such a simple request, a one word sentence, but it set his face ablaze. his breath caught in his throat, somewhere around where his heart was still trying to choke him.

…he hadn’t thought it was that bad but soaps reaction indicated otherwise. fuck. was his it that awful? he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. this was stupid. he was stupid.

“simon,” of course, one word from johnny and it felt like he could breathe again.

“please?”

fucking goddamn soap and his stupid fucking puppy dog eyes and the way he has ghost wrapped around his fucking finger without even realizing.

ghost smiled. there was no real mirth, more a grimace than anything else. he just wanted to get this over with.

soap was still staring at him, his thumbs tracing his lips, following scars, drawing imaginary lines between freckles… if he wasn't so terrified it might have felt nice.

“Christ,” ghosts heart cracked more, “you weren't lying when you said you were beautiful.”

ghost huffed a laugh and went back to staring off to the right, the fake smile dropping. of course soap would try to lighten the mood with a joke.

his panic fled as quickly as it had consumed him, now just left sitting in soap's living room, face still cradled in caring hands, resigned to his mistakes.

he felt so tired and johnny's hands felt so inviting.

“i wasn't joking,” soap looked…upset? angry? wait— fuck, what’d he do?

ghost stared back at soap, confused and tired. soaps nails felt the grooves of the scar, catching where the skin was raised and lowered.

“you don't have to lie, soap. im a grown man. I'm not fragile. you don't need to coddle me,” ghost said it like it was a joke, hoping soap would laugh along and that this would all just blow over. that tomorrow morning they could forget this ever happened.

“are you calling me a liar?” soap’s brow furrowed. great. instead, he had managed to make everything worse and piss off soap as well.

ghost took in a deep breath, giving himself another shot at calming things down, “no, I'm not. I think you're lying, but you're not a liar,” he stood and stepped to the side, grabbing their dirty plates and walking them to the kitchen sink, “you just don't want to upset me, it's fine. I get it. you're a nice person but you don't have to lie to spare my feelings.”

“I am not fucking lying!” as per usual, all ghost had managed to do was make things worse. there’s a reason he had decided to stick to the battlefield and give up on domesticity.

“well alright then. agree to disagree,” he turned the kitchen tap and started rinsing the dishes, waiting for the water to heat up. just walk away. end it there. let us forget about this stupid blunder and move on. please just leave it. please, please, please—

“no.”

the force behind it damn near made ghost drop the plate he was holding. he managed to set it in the sink carefully and turned to face soap, who was now in the kitchen as well.

“i— I'm not just gonna fucking— simon,” soap took in a deeper breath and went to continue but ghost was faster.

“johnny,” he interrupted, walking forward with his hands up in a gesture of surrender, approaching slowly.

one last chance to not fuck everything up.

“the fact is they're called deformities for a reason. they're not cute. they're not pretty. they're your body’s way of healing what it can and protecting what it can't. it's not meant to look nice, it's just—”

“bullshit they’re not pretty! says fucking who?” the genuine distress in soap’s voice and force behind his words caught him off guard. “simon—”

he huffed and ran his fingers through his hair roughly, pulling slightly at the strands. christ, ghost needs to shut the fuck up. every single time he speaks he just upsets soap more and more.

he needs to retake his hostage negotiations courses. clearly he has forgotten everything about how to diffuse a situation.

johnny takes another second to breathe and collect his thoughts before he speaks.

“simon. I know that— that ‘this’ isn't something that's going to fix itself overnight and I don't expect it to. but, ‘the fact is,’ I think you're pretty.”

ghost opens his mouth to disagree but johnny doesn’t let him.

“no no,” johnny put his hand over simon’s mouth, shocking him into silence. he blinks twice, stupefied.

“i think— no. I know you're pretty. cute even. beautiful is a given but obviously worth mentioning.”

his hand moved to cup simon’s cheek. ghost grabbed his wrist but didn’t stop him, wether it was a warning or encouragement he himself didn’t know.

johnny continued, unperturbed, “you disagreeing doesn't change that, right?”

there was a pause and simon realized he wanted an answer.

“johnny-”

“ah ah!” his hand moved back to cover his mouth, grabbing his face and shaking his head back and forth, over accentuating his words, “you disagreeing doesn't change that, right? yes or no.”

he stopped shaking him and moved his hand back to simon’s cheek. simon sighed, defeated, “yes. you are right.”

johnny looked smug, “good. and what do you say when i give you a compliment you don’t agree with?”

simon sputtered, “wha— i don't fucking know—”

“nothing! you don’t say anything!” soap looked way too proud of himself and he continued, “or thank you if you feel so inclined.”

“that was a trick question,” simon replied eventually.

johnny thumbed over his scars once more, again tracing them, “sure it was. now go take a shower.”

he patted his cheek twice and walked to the hallway.

“wait,” johnny probably shook the few remaining brain cells out of his head. “this whole conversation ends with you telling me that I stink?”

“yes. rancid,” johnny opened the door to the linen closet. simon was still in the kitchen. the tap was still running.

“no dipshit, do you not remember telling me that commercial planes makes you feel gross?” johnny threw a towel at him, which he caught just in time for johnny to hit him with a bath rag.

ghost had mentioned that… ages ago, he thinks. on facetime with each other, discussing the merits of bathrooms on public transport. he had said that enclosed, crowded spaces like commercial planes or buses made him feel, well, gross. how—or why—did he remember that?

“but… I’m supposed to wash the dishes?” a weak argument against the stubbornness he was faced with but simon had officially lost track of his mind and this conversation.

johnny shot him a weird look as he walked back towards the kitchen sink. simon still hadn’t moved.

“did you think i was being serious earlier?”

“yes???” he felt like he had been given a lobotomy.

johnny decided to take pity on him and explained in a soft voice that felt out of place, “i was being sarcastic. i’m not going to make you wash the dishes, simon.”

“but that was the agreement: you cook and i wash the dishes.”

johnny laughed as if he remembered something funny, “yeah, i lied.”

simon still stood there, trying to figure out if he had a stroke. johnny had been angry, completely pissed at him, but now was letting him off the hook and calling him pretty? what the fuck is happening?

johnny turned him and pushed him towards the hallway. simon could have resisted but his resolve always seems to crumble around johnny mactavish.

“now go shower, you beautiful bastard,” soap grabbed one of the plates out of the sink and started washing it with water that had probably heated ages ago.

ghost walked towards the bathroom, feeling like he was on autopilot, limbs disconnected from his brain. his cheek still felt… odd? weird? tingly?

it felt something from where johnny had grabbed it. ghost thinks… he thinks he likes the feeling, whatever it is.

he needs to sleep.

#ghost: i look like a monster :( #soap: OH NO HES HOT #[also the interaction ghost has with the doctor is based on real life experience both me and other family members have had lmao] #also also it goes w/o saying but this isn’t negative towards cosmetic surgery but rather the cosmetic surgery industry #not pictured: me having a full scale debate w/ myself over tagging the person this is literally for #look i have anxiety alright #ghostsoap #soapghost #ghoap #unreliable narrator #(soap is so fucking in love and ghost is so fucking stupid) #streamer au #streamer! au #streamer! soap #or is it #streamer!soap #god i hate tumblrs tagging system #my writing

[mearchy]

Sometimes when I’m writing it’s like this

But the rest of the time it is like this

Can someone uuh. send help. Can someone sedate me

#i go from why didn’t i become a writer? why don’t i do this full time? #i could stand to be a starving writer! #to i fucking hate writing i’m in agony i’m in pain #i’m eviscerating the words from my body #and also if i don’t i will die #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writers #ao3 #bookblr #wip #fanfic #wattpad #star wars #x men #mine #google docs is my most hated enemy #and my most beloved friend #word is better functionally #but docs has an excellent cloud system #and also good commenting and editing functions

[a-totally-reasonable-username]

Getting normal-people-sick when you're chronically ill is just wrong. That shouldn't be a thing. It should be mutually exclusive.

#but chronic illness and a weak af body and shitty immune system means that you get every. single. cold and virus you could possibly catch #i hate it here #how is this my life?? #why is this my life?? #chronic illness #disability #disabled #chronically ill #i'm so goddamn tired and just lying i bed waiting till i can sleep again #it's fucking boring to be this exhausted #cripple punk #tumblr

[theshadowrealmitself]

*really late at night/early morning*

Brain: Hey, I know you’re exhausted, but for the first time in forever I’m gonna make you feel inspired to write a story, I’m also gonna give you a really good outline of how the story goes and how it ends, which you usually have trouble with

Me: But-

Brain: Oh I know, you’re not gonna be able to do it tonight, you’re also gonna lose that motivation to do it when you wake up, this is just to fuck with you rn while you try to sleep :3c

#im. im fucking obsessed with every part of this plot bunny #please please PLEASE let me keep motivation to work on it when I wake up #I already wrote down the outline so I don’t forget it #*please* #ugh only problem with writing stuff I intend to post on ao3 is that I’ve also put in my other side account on one of my stories #and I hardly use that side account because one of my exes started stalking it after we broke up #he wasn’t even following me while we were dating!! #he waited till after I broke up with him to follow me!! #and then after I blocked him he still kept interacting with my blog!!! #tumblr make a better fucking blocking system. #yeah so I’m worried about him potentially knowing my ao3 account #and I really hope he doesn’t follow this account #@ eric if you’re *still* looking at my stuff just know that you’re a mega creep and I hate you. #seriously dude. #haven’t deleted that side account or my ao3 cause I’m still attached to them #but yeah it sucks posting to either of them knowing that there’s a CREEP who WONT RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES looking at them #god I hate him #no fandom

[not-so-rosyyy]

Where all this "he worship her" thing even come from? I dont see it 🤷‍♀️ just because he wears z on his pants? Nah

have you heard of idioms, anon? no? please google, i don't have the time today to explain shit to pea-sized brains

#nurse they're out again #i'm sorry but i've been getting so many of these kinds of asks today and i can only block so much #i fucking hate tumblr's block system fr

[rinielelrandir]

Very amused that people who don't know me at all read apparently half of what I posted earlier on I/P and decided my take that "I don't support any nation state and think we should do away with all of them but since this is the system we currently have it's decidedly antisemitic to single out Israel as The One To Destroy Above All Others and we should instead support peace and safety for both Israelis and Palestinians" is equivalent to "genocide is good actually." Like I know this is tumblr, aka the "piss on the poor" reading comprehension website but also like, idk, maybe learn to read before yelling at random people online and accusing them of supporting genocide? Also for the record, it's *really fucking weird and antisemitic* to yell at random Jews on the internet and accuse them of supporting genocide because they have Opinions You Personally Disagree With.

You can, in fact, simply block people who's takes you don't like. It's free! And easy! You hit the three dots at the top of the post, it opens a drop down menu and you select "block". Now the person who you think has Bad and Evil Opinions™️ will never show up in tags for you again! Problem solved! They might, unfortunately, show up on your dashboard if someone you follow reblogs something they posted or added to, because tumblr is slightly broken in that regard, but you will be saved from their opinions in tags. And they won't be able to interact with you! And there's even a handy feature you can use to hide *all* content they've ever made/posted, even stuff you're dearly beloved mutual who thinks they're cool reblogs. You just, blacklist the username. Now they will show up as filtered content and you have to manually unhide any post that mentions their username in any way, saving you from the Opinions You Don't Like. And they're free to continue *their* internet experience without you yelling at them for tagging things with something that is a general filter/sort/information tag simply because *you* think their opinions are Bad and Don't Belong There.

#look i know i stepped in it by making a post about i/p at all #let alone by actually tagging it #but i really don't appreciate the fact that someone fucking yelled at me #for the crime of *checks notes* #tagging my i/p 'palestine' #like oh my bad for using the tumblr tagging system correctly i guess??? #sorry i wanted mutuals who have the tags 'israel' + 'palestine' blacklisted #so they can choose when/how they want to engage with upsetting & potentially triggering content #the actually ability to chose??? #like i'm very bad at tagging reblogs generally #but i try to tag any original posts that might be upsetting or triggering correctly #bc people use filters & blacklists & i don't want to be the reason those don't work! #i haven't had posts that gained notes quickly in years so uh that was a 'fun' experience this morning i guess #definitely a different brand of hate than the autism posts used to get #tho i did get some uh interesting anon hate back in the day #can't wait to see what being openly jewish on the internet brings *there* #(narrator voice: he could indeed wait & dearly hopes people will be normal about this) #antisemitism

[screampied]

WHYDOESTHISKEEPFUCIJNG HAPEPGN

#tumblr hates me #they don’t wanna see me grow 😒 #fuck u n ur stupid ice age tag system #bye #this happens eVERYTIME I POST SLMETJKNG

[bunni-bonez]

kinda lame that “radfem” has become associated with gender essentialism and terf shit when feminism that is radical fucking rules and is right most of the time.

#Like #I hate tumblr radfems but they are so right about how fucked shit is for women at every level #The problem with radfems is that their analysis is barely more systemic than liberals #like yeah misogyny is bad and systemic #good job #but you gotta ask why and stop saying it’s because men are inherently evil (most are evil bc material conditions) #radical Marxist feminism is the only way tbh #anyway read Silvia federici #radfem #< swinging at a hornets nest with that last tag

[woahjo]

okay i think im just gonna do the dots. i have like.. repetition fatigue since it's what i used on my sideblogs to tag since it was easy, but ig it's better to be used to them than forget and get my blog's organization all fucked up again forever.

#i am literally nauseous thinking about my old blogs tagging system #it looked so sexy... but it was such a pain in the ass and nothing could ever be found unless i linked the tags #and i hate having spaces in tags bc i feel like tumblr fucks up the organization more when there are spaces #that is based ENTIRELY in me being suspicious but i did notice my sideblogs had better organization bc i didn't use spaces in my tags #or maybe because i didn't post 8000 times a day tee hee

[paskariu]

Hemophobia aka phobia of blood sucks ass. Send post

#vent #i understand reblogging shocking images of protests for freedom #but if i get triggered by one more untagged blood post i'm throwing my phone against a fucking wall #riu speaks #enough tumblr for today i guess while my nervous system gets itself in order again i still feel shaky #can't even fucking walk right rn i hate this

[glass-clown]

i miss gwa gwa gwednesday....

#clown yells into the void #i cant for the life of me find that fucking post i hate tumblrs search system I HATE IT HERE #actually i looked up gwednesday and i immediately got transgirl tiddies so i cant be too angry about that #but u get my point

[lwoorl]

I'll say it: "Oh all AI artists do is write a stupid description and immediately get an image with no effort, there's no art in that" is the new "Digital painting doesn't count as art because it takes no effort"

#Look I'm aware there're moral reasons to criticize AI art such as how corporations will use it #and the fact lots of models (not all however) use stolen content #But all you have to do is visit a forum dedicated to AI art to quickly realize it actually takes some effort to make quality images #And honestly from what I've seen those guys are often very respectful of traditional artists if not traditional artists themselves #Not a single bit of 'haha those idiots are working hard when they could simply use AI!' that Tumblr likes to strawman them as #Lots of 'So I did the base with AI and then painted over it manually in Photoshop' and 'I trained this model myself with my own drawings' #And I'm not saying there aren't some guys that are being assholes over it on Twitter #But when you go to an actual community dedicated to it. Honestly these guys are rather nice #I've seen some truly astounding projects #like there was this guy that was using people's scars to create maps of forests and mointains to sort of explore the theme of healing #And this one that took videos of his city and overlayed them with some solarpunk kind of thing #And this one that was doing a collection of dreams that was half AI amd half traditional painting #Anyway the point is you guys are being way too mean to a group of people that genuinely want to use the technology to create cool art #And while I'm aware there are issues related to its use #it's actually really fucked up you're attacking the individual artists instead of corporations??? #It's as if you were attacking the chocolate guy over the systemic problems related to the chocolate industry! #And also tumblrs always like 'Oh AI is disgusting I hate AI art so I'll just hate in it without dealing with the issue' #While AI art forums often have posts with people discussing how go use it ethically when applied to commercial use!! #Honestly these guys are doing way more about tackling the issue than tumblr and you should feel bad!!!

[somnolentprophet]

Throwback to that time when I was in elementary and we were taking a trip to the museum to learn about Native Americans for social studies, and while this lady was talking about Pocahontas's romantic relationship with Smith, I interrupted and told my friend next to me that she was actually 11 or 12 years old when they met.

AND THIS BITCH. looked at me. looked me up and down. CRINGED. and said "No she wasn't".

I repeated it saying that she was and that she should know this considering she works in the fucking museum.

she scoffed and ignored me and my questions for the rest of the motherfucking trip.

I think about this moment ever since it happened. I hope she falls into despair.

#history #wtf #fyp #tumblr fyp #i hope every cramp she has hospitalizes her #i still fucking hate her #the moment when i stopped believing in what school and adults taught me #fuck the system